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    Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First?": (Complete Text)

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    cgrams2
    Abbott and Costello engage in their famous "Who's on First?" comedy routine. Abbott tries to explain to Costello the names of the players on their baseball team, but Costello misunderstands and thinks the players' names are literally "Who", "What", and "I Don't Know". After much confusion and repetition as Costello tries to clarify the players' actual names, they resign themselves to the absurdity of the situation by shouting "Third Base!" in frustration.

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    Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First?": (Complete Text)

    Uploaded by

    cgrams2
    258 views4 pages
    Abbott and Costello engage in their famous "Who's on First?" comedy routine. Abbott tries to explain to Costello the names of the players on their baseball team, but Costello misunderstands and thinks the players' names are literally "Who", "What", and "I Don't Know". After much confusion and repetition as Costello tries to clarify the players' actual names, they resign themselves to the absurdity of the situation by shouting "Third Base!" in frustration.

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    Abbott and Costello

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    Abbott and Costello engage in their famous "Who's on First?" comedy routine. Abbott tries to explain to Costello the names of the players on their baseball team, but Costello misunderstands and thinks the players' names are literally "Who", "What", and "I Don't Know". After much confusion and repetition as Costello tries to clarify the players' actual names, they resign themselves to the absurdity of the situation by shouting "Third Base!" in frustration.

    Copyright:

    Attribution Non-Commercial (BY-NC)
    Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as docx, pdf, or txt
    258 views4 pages

    Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First?": (Complete Text)

    Uploaded by

    cgrams2
    Abbott and Costello engage in their famous "Who's on First?" comedy routine. Abbott tries to explain to Costello the names of the players on their baseball team, but Costello misunderstands and thinks the players' names are literally "Who", "What", and "I Don't Know". After much confusion and repetition as Costello tries to clarify the players' actual names, they resign themselves to the absurdity of the situation by shouting "Third Base!" in frustration.

    Copyright:

    Attribution Non-Commercial (BY-NC)
    Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as docx, pdf, or txt
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    The comedy routine involves Abbott confusing Costello by using players' names as other words like 'Who', 'What', and 'I Don't Know'.

    Abbott tries to explain to Costello the names of the players on the baseball team but uses the names as other words which confuses Costello.

    The players' names are Who (first base), What (second base), I Don't Know (third base), Tomorrow (pitcher), Today (catcher), Because (left fielder), Why (center fielder).

    Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?

    "

    (Complete Text)

    Abbott: Alright, now whaddya want?


    Costello: Now look, I'm the head of the sports department. I gotta know the baseball players' names.
    Do you know the guys' names?
    Abbott: Oh sure.
    Costello: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
    Abbott: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers
    peculiar names.
    Costello: You mean funny names.
    Abbott: Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean -
    Costello: His brother Daffy -
    Abbott: Daffy Dean -
    Costello: And their cousin!
    Abbott: Who's that?
    Costello: Goofy!
    Abbott: Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags - we have Who's on first, What's on second, I
    Don't Know's on third.
    Costello: That's what I wanna find out.
    Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third -
    Costello: You know the fellows' names?
    Abbott: Certainly!
    Costello: Well then who's on first?
    Abbott: Yes!
    Costello: I mean the fellow's name!
    Abbott: Who!
    Costello: The guy on first!
    Abbott: Who!
    Costello: The first baseman!
    Abbott: Who!
    Costello: The guy playing first!
    Abbott: Who is on first!
    Costello: Now whaddya askin' me for?
    Abbott: I'm telling you Who is on first.
    Costello: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!
    Abbott: That's the man's name.
    Costello: That's who's name?
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
    Abbott: Who.
    Costello: The guy on first.
    Abbott: Who!
    Costello: The first baseman.
    Abbott: Who is on first!
    Costello: Have you got a contract with the first baseman?
    Abbott: Absolutely.
    Costello: Who signs the contract?
    Abbott: Well, naturally!
    Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

    1
    Abbott: Every dollar. Why not? The man's entitled to it.
    Costello: Who is?
    Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
    Costello: Who's wife?
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
    Abbott: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base.
    Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
    Abbott: Who is on first.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Abbott: He's on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.
    Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?
    Abbott: You mentioned his name!
    Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
    Abbott: No - Who's playing first.
    Costello: Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on third.
    Abbott: No - What's on second.
    Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
    Abbott: Who's on first.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Abbott: He's on third.
    Costello: Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it?
    Abbott: What was it you wanted?
    Costello: Now who's playin' third base?
    Abbott: Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
    Costello: Why? Who am I putting over there?
    Abbott: Yes. But we don't want him there.
    Costello: What's the guy's name on third base?
    Abbott: What belongs on second.
    Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
    Abbott: Who's on first.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE! [Costello says this with a sense of resignation]
    Costello: You got an outfield?
    Abbott: Oh yes!
    Costello: The left fielder's name?
    Abbott: Why.
    Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
    Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
    Costello: Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.
    Abbott: Who is playing fir-
    Costello: STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name.
    Abbott: What's on second.
    Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
    Abbott: Who's on first.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE! [Costello says this with a sense of resignation]
    Costello: The left fielder's name?
    Abbott: Why.
    Costello: Because!
    Abbott: Oh, he's center field.
    Costello: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
    Abbott: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
    Costello: The pitcher's name.

    2
    Abbott: Tomorrow.
    Costello: You don't wanna tell me today?
    Abbott: I'm tellin' you now.
    Costello: Then go ahead.
    Abbott: Tomorrow.
    Costello: What time?
    Abbott: What time what?
    Costello: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?
    Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir-
    Costello: I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first. I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.
    Abbott: What's on second.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE! [Costello says this with a sense of resignation]
    Costello: You got a catcher?
    Abbott: Oh, absolutely.
    Costello: The catcher's name.
    Abbott: Today.
    Costello: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
    Abbott: Now you've got it.
    Costello: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.
    Abbott: Well, I can't help that.
    Costello: Well, I'm a catcher too.
    Abbott: I know that.
    Costello: Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets
    up.
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good
    catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
    Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
    Costello: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!
    Abbott: Well, that's all you have to do.
    Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: Now who's got it?
    Abbott: Naturally!
    Costello: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?
    Abbott: Naturally!
    Costello: Who caught it?
    Abbott: Naturally.
    Costello: Who?
    Abbott: Naturally!
    Costello: Naturally.
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
    Abbott: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it?
    Costello: Naturally.
    Abbott: That's right. There we go.
    Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
    Abbott: You don't!
    Costello: I throw it to who?

    3
    Abbott: Naturally.
    Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
    Abbott: You're not saying it that way.
    Costello: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.
    Abbott: You don't - you throw the ball to Who?
    Costello: Naturally!
    Abbott: Well, say that!
    Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the ball to who?
    Abbott: Naturally.
    Costello: Ask me.
    Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
    Costello: Naturally.
    Abbott: That's it.
    Costello: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?
    Abbott: Naturally!
    Costello: Who has it?
    Abbott: Naturally!
    Costello: HE BETTER HAVE IT1! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs
    the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it
    to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to
    Tomorrow - triple play.
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't
    know. He's on third and I don't give a darn!
    Abbott: What was that?
    Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
    Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

    1
    He better = he’d better = he ought to, he should
    4

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