Parenting A Teen Girl: A Crash Course On Conflict, Communication & Connection With Your Teenage Daughter

Publishers Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright 2012 by Lucie Hemmen New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson Acquired by Jess OBrien Edited by Jean Blomquist
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Hemmen, Lucie. Parenting a teen girl : a crash course on conflict, communication, and connection with your teenage daughter / Lucie Hemmen. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-60882-213-3 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-214-0 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-215-7 (epub) 1. Teenage girls. 2. Parenting. 3. Parent and child. I. Title. HQ798.H446 2012 305.2352--dc23 2012011749
Printed in the United States of America
14 10
13 9
12 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
First printing
Contents
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Talking Trash about Teens: A Reality Check . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 A Crash Course on Connection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Self-Care for Sanity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 Talking with Teens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 Eat, Sleep, Move: Supporting Your Daughters Health . . . . . . . 61 Walking on the Wild Side: Supporting Safe Decision Making . . . 79 Achievement Stress Rescue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99 Taming the Tech Tiger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .115 Teen Girl Social and Emotional Evolution . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133
10 Cultivating Happiness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171
Self-Care for Sanity
If youre like a lot of parents, the harder time your teen daughter is having, the harder time youre having. The saying Parents can only be as happy as their unhappiest child strikes a chord of recognition. If you feel as if things are just too busy to take care of yourself, pay close attention to this chapter and the exercises designed to boost your self-care. Small changes now have the power to create great results in all aspects of your life. You May Be Noticing: You feel exhausted a lot of the time. You look forward to your semiannual teeth cleaning as an opportunity to lie down and relax. You question your mood and memory more often than you used to. Spacing out to TV represents your best stab at self-care. You cant remember the last thing you did to really treat yourself. You suspect it involved an ill-advised food choice.
Parenting a Teen Girl
You hear yourself say, Things are just really busy right now way too often. You assume youll resurrect your friendships and love life when things slow down a little.
Healthy Separation
Its very common for parents to feel overwhelmed by the challenges of raising teen girls. When we dont take time to nourish our own health, friendships, and interests, we risk emotionally collapsing into the lives of our daughters. Some parents say: My daughter is so intense. On her bad days, I feel like her hostage. I feel heartbroken when my daughter struggles. I have trouble separating my mood from hers. My daughters attitude affects the whole family. I resent how powerfully she impacts the family mood. Part of self-care is cultivating a sense of healthy separation. When you nourish your own life, you will feel less emotionally vacuumed into your daughters moods. Youll be able to see yourself as an anchor while shes a sailboat bobbing on turbulent seas. Instead of tumbling on deck, youll feel grounded and stable. As the anchor, youll remain separate yet connected. When you Some parents dont feel anchored; they feel theyre missing nourish your the boat entirely. If you feel this way, please be assured that, by own life, you the time you finish this book, youll have the skills and informawill feel less tion you need to increase healthy connection in all of your relaemotionally tionships. Many factors create disconnection and alienation in vacuumed into families: conflict, divorce, trauma, loss, addiction, and mental illness. Even without such factors, many parents feel hurt and your sidelined as their teen daughters become more involved with daughters friends and less with family. Without getting mired in
moods.
32
Self- Care for Sanity
frustration, guilt, blame, or regret, seek to create more healthy connection in your life. Start with your own balanced self-care, which will, in turn, energize a better relationship with your daughter.
Your Teens Impact on You and How to Deal with It

Youve probably noticed that your daughter isnt the only one on the roller coaster. In a study of more than two hundred teens and their families, researchers found that parents experience big changes in their own lives when their children hit puberty (Steinberg and Steinberg 1994). It turns out that midlife crisis has less to do with the age of the adult than with the age of the oldest child in a family. Midlife distress is often set off by the oldest child entering adolescence. Marital satisfaction reaches an all-time low when the oldest child hits the teen years. On the upside, couples that stay together report an increase in marital satisfaction in postteen years. Whether parents are married or single, Steinberg and Steinbergs research shows a parents happiness influences the quality of parent-teen interaction. Taking care of yourself strengthens your resistance to the stresses of the teen years. It also reduces your susceptibility to those parental moments that wed all rather not talk about.
Bad Parent Hangover

Lets face it, parenting a teen girl isnt easy, and we all have moments were not proud of. My personal experience as the mother of two teen girls, combined with my private practice work, led me to discover the bad parent hangover, the painful emotional aftermath that lingers after a parental meltdown. Some parents yell, some cry, some throw full-blown tantrums. A defining feature is lack of emotional control. Busy parents lacking healthy balance are at high risk to impulsively react in challenging moments. Instead of responding skillfully, we react from weariness, hurt, impatience, or hostility.
33
While many things lie beyond parental controlthe weather, the economy, your daughters mood creating self-care does not. You have the ability to initiate and maintain a practice of solid self-care that benefits everyone. Taking care of yourself is a necessity, not a luxury. It gives you the energy to be the happiest and most effective person and parent you can be.
Changing the Scene

Most parents can easily note the regular stressors that turn a good day into a bad movie. For you and your daughter, it might be mornings before school, when stress levels are high and time is scarce. Or maybe its during homework or those dreaded moments before you tell your daughter, No, you cant do that. During these times, its easy to stumble into heated scenes youd rather avoid. Try using the Changing the Scene technique to rewrite them. The exercise below will show you how.
Exercise: Changing the Scene

Find a few minutes and a quiet space. Take your time with each step. Breathe deeply and bring to mind as much detail as possible. 1. Imagine one of your stress-trigger situations. 2. Instead of your typical reaction, imagine yourself feeling calm and effective. 3. Imagine words coming out of your mouth that are intelligent, focused, and productive. What would you say? 4. With as much detail as possible, imagine feeling, sounding, and responding exactly as youd like to. The more vividly you can imagine these positive changes in your mind and feel them in your body, the more your brain will generate the neural pathways and networks to help you actualize in real life what you rehearse mentally. The next time you encounter one of your stress-trigger situations, breathe deeply and tap into your rewrite of the scene. If your daughter acts from a different script, remember you have control only of yourself, and stick to your part. 34
Taking Inventory
We all squirm when thinking about our bad parenting moments. For me, theyre especially embarrassing considering my immersion in the topic of teen girl development. As we raise our teen girls, most of us will have parenting moments we wouldnt want captured on a smart phone and posted on YouTube! To strike a balance, we must also create and acknowledge our good parenting moments. The exercise below will help you reflect on those moments. Like teen girls, we parents can be our best when we generate and sustain positive feelings about ourselves.
Exercise: Good Parent Inventory

:ULWH D TXLFN LQYHQWRU\ WKDW UHHFWV WKLQJV \RX NQRZ \RX GR well as a parent. Acknowledge big acts or small, subtle offerings. If you do a great job getting your daughter to her many commitments on time, write that down. If youre great at walking the line between supporting her and letting her make her own mistakes, note that now. If youre gifted at tuning in to her feelings, put that on your list. Remind yourself WKDW DOO RI \RXU HIIRUWV DUH DQ H[SUHVVLRQ RI ORYH WKDW EHQHW \RX DQG \RXU GDXJKWHU
My Inventory of Strengths
You Are the Well

Think of yourself as a well. The more water in the well, the more energy and personal resources you have to meet lifes demands. When your self-care is strong and 35
consistent, you fill the well with energy and personal resources that boost your overall mood and vitality. Youll think more flexibly, creatively, and intelligently. Youll face challenges with goodwill and patience. Doesnt it also make sense that watching you manage stress and make time for yourself is the best way to teach stress management and self-care to your daughter? You arent just a parent to your teen daughteryou are her sample adult. When you lead by example, teen girls pay attention. Often By boosting inclined to tune out what you say, they absorb a lot about how you your self-care, live life. you show your Too often parents unintentionally make life look like a drag. daughter (while While teens whine about homework, chores, siblings, and other reminding annoyances, adults often whine about traffic, bills, and the unreyourself) that lenting messes we clean up. Teens observe that it doesnt seem life can be fun. fun to be an adult. They question all the hoop jumping. They think, Im doing all of this just to become a stressed-out, bill-paying, messcleaning grump? Whatever! By boosting your self-care, you show your daughter (while reminding yourself) that life can be fun. Teen Girls Say: My mom started taking salsa lessons. She comes home all happy and dancing around. My dad goes to meditation every Wednesday night. Its made him way more chill and easygoing. We want him to go more! My dad was out of work for over a year, and his depression made everyone in my family miserable. Then he started mountain biking with a neighbor, which made life better for all of us. Prioritizing your own happiness and continued growth transforms both you and your daughter. As you enjoy your own life more, she sees it can be cool to become an adult. When you put yourself on your to-do list, you experience a lift in energy and mood that flows into all areas of your life.
36
Getting Started
What can you give yourself to improve your self-care? Is there an activity youve been curious about? Yoga? Pottery? Art? Mountain biking? Hiking? Meditation? Book club? Piano lessons? Martial arts? Parents Say: Its always piqued my interest when I see people kayaking. Ive heard a lot about the benefits of meditation and am kind of curious about taking a class or getting a CD. Ive always wanted to take an art class but just never seem to make it happen.
Exercise: New Activities I Would Like to Try

Think of some activities you would like to try to improve your self-care, and list them below.
Exercise: Reconnecting with Past Activities

If youre having trouble coming up with compelling new activities, try reconnecting with an activity from your past. For example, if you loved swimming, playing an instrument, or camping, reclaiming that activity will feel like a homecoming. Just be
37
SDWLHQW ZLWK \RXUVHOI XQWLO \RX KLW \RXU RZ ZLWK LW DJDLQ /LVW VRPH DFWLYLWLHV \RXG like to reclaim.
If you are motivated to connect with one or several activities right away, go for it. If not, be easy with yourself. Warm up slowly by taking microsteps.
Microsteps to Sanity
When taking action seems daunting, think small, because small efforts create momentum. To get started, research your interest and find information about local resources. You can also visit a local resource, such as the parks and recreation department in your city. You might end up chatting with someone about the activity, which generates even more momentum. Next, identify ways to schedule your activity. What can you remove from your schedule to make room for your self-care? (You may find this step very difficult because everything looks so important.) Write your self-care activity on your calendar treat your self-care commitment with the same respect that you treat other commitments. Now get excited about your plan. Make sure you have what you need. Share your enthusiasm with people, or talk to people who are already doing the activity. Finally, just show up! We can think about what we should do or want to do until the cows come home. Ultimately its about showing up. When parents make this breakthrough, they say things such as I cant believe I waited so long! and How did I get along without this? People never regret taking proper care of themselves. Heres a tip: If you are overscheduled now, say no to new commitments unless they represent self-care or something of absolute importance. Saying no protects you from burnout and gives you space to say yes to yourself.
38

Parenting A Teen Girl: A Crash Course On Conflict, Communication & Connection With Your Teenage Daughter

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Parenting A Teen Girl: A Crash Course On Conflict, Communication & Connection With Your Teenage Daughter

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Parenting A Teen Girl: A Crash Course On Conflict, Communication & Connection With Your Teenage Daughter

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

What are some activities mentioned that could improve self-care?

What are some activities mentioned that could improve self-care?

What are some benefits of prioritizing one's own happiness and growth according to the passage?

What are some benefits of prioritizing one's own happiness and growth according to the passage?

Publishers Note

All Rights Reserved

Printed in the United States of America

10 Cultivating Happiness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171

Self-Care for Sanity

Parenting a Teen Girl

Self- Care for Sanity

Your Teens Impact on You and How to Deal with It

Bad Parent Hangover

Parenting a Teen Girl

Changing the Scene

Exercise: Changing the Scene

Self- Care for Sanity

Exercise: Good Parent Inventory

You Are the Well

Parenting a Teen Girl

Self- Care for Sanity

Exercise: New Activities I Would Like to Try

Exercise: Reconnecting with Past Activities

Parenting a Teen Girl

You might also like