Memoir

Closure
By Brandan Doyle

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda I want you to know One thing. You know how this is: If I look At the crystal moon, at the red branch Of the slow autumn at my window, If I touch Near the fire The impalpable ash Or the wrinkled body of the log, Everything carries me to you, As if everything that exists, Aromas, light, metals, Were little boats That sail Toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, If little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly You forget me Do not look for me, For I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, The wind of banners That passes through my life, And you decide To leave me at the shore Of the heart where I have roots, Remember That on that day, At that hour, I shall lift my arms And my roots will set off To seek another land. But If each day, Each hour, You feel that you are destined for me With implacable sweetness, If each day a flower Climbs up to your lips to seek me, Ah my love, ah my own, In me all that fire is repeated, In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, My love feeds on your love, beloved, And as long as you live it will be in your arms Without leaving mine.

Contents
Chapter I: The Prologue Chapter II: The Girl Chapter III: The Relationship Chapter IV: The Breakup Chapter V: The First of Many The Nine-Hundred Worded Message Chapter VI: The Promise Chapter VII: The Broken Promise Chapter VIII: The Third The Apology Letter Chapter IX: The Jealousy Chapter X: The Final Stretch Chapter XI: The Moving On The One-Thousand and One-Hundred Worded Message Chapter XII: The Closure Chapter XIII: The Parasite Chapter XIV: The Decision Chapter XV: The Sympathy Chapter XVI: The Finishing Touches Chapter XVII: The Apology The Written Apology Chapter XVIII: The Dj vu Chapter XIX: The Friendship Chapter XX: The Sea Chapter XXI: The Good-Bye Chapter XXII: The End Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 8 Page 9 Page 11 Page 12 Page 14 Page 16 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 22 Page 25 Page 27 Page 29 Page 30 Page 32 Page 34 Page 35 Page 37 Page 39 Page 41 Page 43 Page 45 Page 47

Chapter I: The Prologue

It all started with a girl, but we will get to that in a little while. This is a story about my first experience with relationships; I am not going to go through why my story is any different to any other this is just my side behind a very stressful situation. In Hollywood Movies they tend to portray the male as a heartless and soulless prick who doesnt care about the girl and nine times out of ten is the cause of anything bad that happens in the girls life, that the man is not supposed to care about relationships and is only after girls for their assets. However, this story will prove the opposite that sometimes it is the girl that turns out to be the heartless lover. I was born and raised in a small town named Gladstone and had lived there my entire life. Growing up was easy for me, I had a lot of luxuries, I didnt work, but still had an income, I attended school and had friends, life was easy. I was raised by my father mainly, my parents were divorced, but my father was easy going and basically gave both me and my sister what we wanted, though I wasnt completely spoilt. At my mothers house she taught us morals and life values, teaching us that if we wanted something in life we had to work for it and earn it. Having both luxuries and these life values allowed me to remain with a high morale. At school I was trusted by most teachers; I did all my work in class and was getting moderate to high grades. I didnt do homework, and I left most assignments till the last minute, yet I was still getting good grades. For most of my years at school, I hung out with this one group, which I had been a part of since grade one. We usually spent our lunches playing sport or screwing around talking about, what we did on our weekends or what we are planning for the weekends. I was the brains of the group, everyone usually looked towards me for knowledge, I was also the group clown, managing to make almost anyone laugh within the group. At home, I lived mainly with my father. I stayed over my mothers house whenever he was working up until I was the age of eighteen when I had moved into my fathers house. The neighbourhood I lived in was a small cul-de-sac, the neighbours were quiet and I lived two doors away from my best friend, I had known him since I was three. We had gotten up to a lot of mischief when were kids, running around the street, no computers, just us running around using our imagination and some destructive tools to our disposal, which we took from my father on occasion. In the year of 2007 I had moved into a new house, leaving my once well-known neighbourhood behind and moving to a new. The new neighbourhood was foreign to me; we lived on a hill, not much room to roam around. Our backyard was extremely small; the in-ground pool took up most of the room, and also the shed and aviaries. The new place was boring, thats when my day to day life had changed, when I was once a very active child I was now very unsocial and spent most of my time in my room, playing on the Xbox. That is also when I started to like school more, home was boring and being at school was fun, socialising and playing sports was a lot better than sitting in my room playing video games. As for relationships I wasnt the one for them during my time in school. I had a set of rules and I followed them closely. I knew how serious a relationship was; watching my mothers love life had given me a lot of knowledge on how relationships can fail and how they can also become strong and unbreakable. I was biting my time and waiting till I was mature enough and had the time to support a serious relationship, I wasnt after one of those date for a while then break up. I wanted my first relationship to be serious and work towards becoming unbreakable, I wanted to meet that one person who I could the rest of my life with. However, I knew the girls at school werent the type for those kinds of relationships they were too young and immature. 3

Chapter II: The Girl

However that all begun to change during my last year of school in 2011, when a girl begun attending the school that I was attending. She had moved from Mackay down to Gladstone, leaving her parents behind and moving in with her uncle and aunt. Initially I had no idea who she was and I wasnt too interested in getting to know her either, but that had changed when she had joined my group that I sat with at lunches. From first sights of her she seemed very young, I thought she was in year ten, until she had asked who was in her Horticulture class, thats when I found out she was actually in my grade, and had introduced myself. My first opinion of her was that she was cute; she was olive skinned with brown hair and brown eyes the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen and she always wore her hair up which I thought looked adorable. I got to know her a little bit, wasnt too fond with getting to know her, at least nothing more than just a friend, she appeared to be the type who would be more interested in the Alpha Male, and that a nice guy like me wouldnt have a chance. She also did some things that I swore if a girl had ever done I wouldnt pursue them. The final factor was that at the time I had strong feelings for another girl, though I had no chance with her, she was already taken. However, over the next few months of knowing her, I got to know her more, and eventually started to develop feelings for her. It just hit me, out of know where, I add developed feelings for her. The only problem was that judging by first impressions she was not my type whatsoever, she hung out with people that I thought were down right pricks, her best friend was a good example. But I still had feelings for the other girl; she was perfect, beautiful, smart and funny. I had even known her for years, so I knew what she was like. I held onto the belief that I should only have feelings for one person at a time and strongly refer to my favourite Johnny Depp quote. If you love two people at the same time, and you must make a choice. Go for the second one, if you truly loved the first, you would have never fallen for the second. I had told myself that I would not pursue her; I had a set of rules during my time at school, number one being. Never date in High School, the girls are immature and dont know what they want, it wont ever work out But my feelings were so inclined. So instead I told myself that if these feelings didnt change within a two month timeframe I would ask her out. They didnt change instead they grew stronger to the point where I couldnt hold it in any longer. Its like when I first told my best friend that I liked her, his first reaction was Really!? All I could say was I know, I know! Dont worry I wont do anything about it. She isnt worth it; I will just let these feelings fade Thats what I should have done.

Chapter III: The Relationship

On the date of May 13th I had asked her out during a Horticulture lesson, it had been the first time that I had ever asked any girl out, I was very nervous and the words I had rehearsed werent the ones that had come out of my mouth. I initially had a plan, she had told me a week prior that I should get a girlfriend, when I had replied I was working on it, and she offered to give me any advice that I needed. So the plan was to ask her for advice on how to ask out the girl that I liked, I would take this opportunity to add in as many compliments about her as possible. Telling her that the girl I liked was smart, kind, beautiful, funny, etc. and then ask her how I would ask such a girl out, after she had given me the advice I would ask her out in the exact way she told me to. Instead it was something I had come up with on the spot, it wasnt as smooth but I quote I have thought of a thousand different ways to say this, but I am just going to say it, I like you more than just friends, at that moment the lighting on her eyes shimmered the most beautiful colour I had ever possibly seen in my life, to my surprise she replied that it was very cute, I kept telling her how it wasnt how I planned on doing it and that it was really the first time I had ever done it, but she kept telling me how cute she found it, she added that she would think about it over the weekend. It left me with an extra spring in my step for the rest of the weekend, and very nervous, I didnt know what to expect. Monday had come and I was very nervous and shy around her, it wasnt until second break that I had actually spoken to her, thats when she had told me yes. I really didnt know how to react, I was stunned, I even asked my friend if she said yes just to make sure, she asked for my number and I didnt hesitate to give it to her. Monday afternoon I had gotten home and received a text from an unknown number, the message had said Hey, its your girlfriend. A smile had quickly lit up my face as I quickly replied I was low on credit and that we would talk over Facebook. From there we had talked all afternoon, I had complimented her about her new profile picture, saying she looked gorgeous in it, she had offered to send it to me, and I had at first denied until she insisted. She asked if I could send her back one, I had told her that I wasnt the type to get a lot of photos taken, but I would try. For the next half hour I had taken a lot of pictures of myself, trying to find the right one that didnt make me look like an idiot. I had finally got one that looked adequate and sent it to her she replied that she loved it. I was trying very carefully to do nothing wrong and take it as slow as possible; I was after a serious relationship. She was just as supportive telling me she was willing to take it slow and go at a pace I was comfortable with. This was another great feature about her; she was always so considerate and tolerant of me, which was great. I was the same towards her as well, trying my hardest to satisfy her every need. I thought we hit it off pretty well, I had discovered we had a lot in common, and I mean a lot. She was perfect in every way, at least from my point of view. We had talked nonstop at school and also at home, constantly bonding and communicating. We had arranged to go see Fast 5 within the third weekend of our relationship, she was originally going to ask me out to the movies, and I thought I would cut her off, so I surprised her by asking her to the movies a week into the relationship. She seemed very excited about going to the movies with me, everything was going great, and nothing was going wrong. We even made bigger plans with another couple; we were going to go on a road trip down to New Castle at the end of the year instead of going to schoolies, just the four of us. I was constantly getting advice from mine and her friends, giving me feedback on what she thought of me, from what I was told she thought I was great, I wasnt like those other guys that wanted something. They also were saying what I should do and shouldnt do, though I had taken this all in, it 5

wasnt that I followed their every advice blindly, I thought it through first. At the group it was great, we were talking there, having fun and just getting to know each other better. Friends were constantly trying to peer pressure me into doing things that I wasnt comfortable with doing yet, though she backed me up telling them to stop. The group was basically the same the only difference was that I was happier; I was with someone I truly cared about and could see a future with, couldnt have been happier. Of course there were some problems, not that it was the relationship itself, it was mainly concerning a guy who would nonstop hassle her and flirt with her, she told me that he wouldnt stop it and she wanted me to do something about it, I said I would deal with it, and that I did, though the way I dealt with it wasnt of my original plan, he had come into our group during a lunch break and I had over reacted and told him to leave in a not so polite way, he decided not to leave and insisted that I force him to leave, I had instead stood down, I wasnt going to get into a fight over this he wasnt worth it. During the next break I had decided that I would apologise and tell him how I was in a bad mood, but I asked nicely if he would leave her alone and stop the flirting, from there the flirting had stopped. Besides that the relationship was flawless, we occasionally complimented each other and made each other smile endlessly, I sent her some poetry, all made up on the spot, but nonetheless was lovely. Though the annoyance of always getting a reply of Thats cute, I still enjoyed it. One Saturday night she had been drinking, we were texting, though her words were misspelt I could still understand, we didnt talk for too long, but I didnt mind, it made my night even talking to her for five seconds would satisfy me and leave me with an uncontrollable feeling of happiness for the rest of night. I had decided to go to bed leaving her with a text saying so, she sent me back. okaay babee good noght havee a goood dream about us n tell me about it tomz x This had sparked creativity, using this opportunity to send her back something sweet the next day. So as I laid there in my bed staring at the ceiling my mind was going through overdrive thinking up all the sweet and romantic scenarios that could possibly happen within a dream. I had finally come up with a scenario and had rehearsed it over and over, so that when I awoke in the morning it would still be clear in my head. It had worked and when I got to a computer I had quickly typed it all up and sent it to her. It was my first time at coming up with these kind of sweet charming stories, tad nervous. We were sitting on the beach holding each other close, watching the sun set, the beach itself stretched as far the eye could see, there were no building, cars and roads anywhere, just the two of us, the sand was the most whitest, and softest sand I had ever known, the ocean was a light blue, the clearest and the sun's rays were reflecting a bright blue aura that floated above the water surface. But even all of these features combined were only half as beautiful as you. I wasnt much of a poet and I knew it. But I still enjoyed sending this message even if it made me look like an idiot. I was the happiest I had ever been, I could go on endlessly about every little thing we did together. I really thought she was the one; she was perfect in every way that I could see. On the second Monday of the relationship, I had received a text from her early in the morning.

with our relationship i think we should only do it at our table i dont want the whole school findin out were datin jus yeet okaay?? The first sight of with our relationship had my heart race into panic, the thought of her breaking up with me was running through my head, though after reading the rest my heart had resumed normal beat. I had agreed blindly to it, knowing that she had a good reason for not allowing the rest the school knowing just yet. I had asked her at lunch what the reason was and she had replied she didnt know, once again I had accepted that blindly. Personally it bothered me a little, I was so happy to be with her I didnt care if anyone else knew. In fact I was proud to have her and was itching to tell people about her, but she had told me that no one was to know yet. Secretly I did tell other people, I didnt let her know but I did. Though from there the relationship was different, but at the time I couldnt tell, the messages had no longer included any sort of effort, the old smiley faces and love hearts were gone, and she had acted completely different to me. I didnt even realise it but the relationship was over from there, the message she sent was a pre-break up, she was waiting until she had the confidence to do it. I didnt take that message as a pre-breakup, I was still going full speed ahead. I was trying desperately to get the relationship off the ground, but like they say it takes two to tango and unfortunately it was a one man effort, she took the message a pre-breakup and thus gave up on the relationship. Though the message started to make more sense especially during the following day, May 24th was the second Tuesday into our relationship. At this point I was starting to get use to the relationship, slowly starting to test waters and finding my boundaries. During the Horticulture class that day I had sat next to one of my friends and I had asked her how I would approach kissing my girlfriend. She had replied that it was cute and gave me the best advice she could, she told me that during your next hug you should kiss her on the cheek, and over the next few weeks get closer and closer to the lips. It was the best advice I could have gotten, now I had to decide whether or not it was the right time. Of course it was, it was only a kiss on the cheek, friends kiss each other on the cheek. Its not like I was asking to make out with her, it was only a small peck on the cheek. At the time I believed that, and up to the point I did it I thought it was the right timing. I was surprised for her to turn around say it was too soon. Too soon? It didnt make any sense, but I was the supporting boyfriend and it was just better off that I agreed to disagree, so I had apologised and said it wont happen again at least for a while. After that I had reviewed the message she gave me on the Monday, it started to have a second meaning to me, it was either a pre-breakup, or she was just embarrassed to be seen with me. Either way it was bad news.

Chapter IV: The Breakup

Like they say what goes up must come down, the relationship had ended. On May 29 th the relationship had come to a dead end, she had told me it was because of her family dynamic and assessment, she didnt have time for any relationship, though she added that at the end of year we could restart the relationship. I had accepted that, being the type of person I was, as soon as I heard it was her family dynamic I understood and gave her space. Though this had hurt me badly, I knew that if I gave the time and space, she would come back when she was ready. That wasnt the case. At first I didnt know how to react, the relationship was over, just like that. There was nothing I could do, I was devastated, and the next day was awkward, for half the day I didnt speak to her, I was giving her space until some helpful advice from a friend encouraged me to talk to her. During the second lunch break, I had sat down and had a quick talk to her, she said that it was family issues, and she was sorry it ended the way it did but reassured me with promises of that at the end of the year we would have another crack at it, I had also asked if she was still going on the road trip and she said she was, and we finished it there with a quick hug. It had reassured me with what she had said; that it was in fact just a family dynamic and that we would be together at the end of the year. It had made me feel better knowing that we would still have a go at it, we had still arranged to go see the movies. That was until she said that something had come up, I knew what that meant, sadly I did, and that reassuring she had given me was diminished with the thought that she was lying, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. The next day, I wanted to make sure. Early in the morning I arranged to talk to her, it was only going to be a quick talk. The question on the table was is this going to be a permanent separation? She said she didnt know and wanted time to think; I accepted that and told her that she can take as long as she wanted and that I would wait for as long as I needed. Later on that afternoon she had sent me a text, it had said that she had been thinking about what I asked her in the morning and she said that I wouldnt like it but she wanted it to be a permanent separation. This had made my heart sink, all that she had said, was all a lie and that even if the family issues were to end, she wouldnt be interested with dating me afterwards. This led me to believe that I was the problem and that I had made a mistake. This left me with a lot of thinking, what did I do wrong? Did she ever like me? Was I not good enough? All these and more were running through my head like a loose speedway train. I didnt know anymore I was losing track of reality trying to play detective in my own head. The first week was alright, we still talked and had fun, and everything was the way it used to be. Her friends who I talked to on occasion, told me that it was family issues and I had nothing to worry about, and that we made the perfect couple, give her some time and she will come back. Initially I denied that and had told them that I didnt believe it for a second, they had quickly told me otherwise It may seem like she is pushing you away, but that is just the way she deals with it, give her some time. It nearly had me in tears; I felt like a dick for thinking that she would lie to me like that. The thought of her coming back was what kept me from breaking down, it was the one factor that kept me going and pushing forward.

Chapter V: The First of Many

Two weeks had passed since the abrupt ending of the so called relationship, it had left me with a lot of time to think, there were a lot of sleepless nights and my appetite was also lost, and I was still lingering on the hope of rekindling our past teenage romance. During the weekend she had asked to speak to me, my heart had lit up with foolish hope, what was she going to say? Would we finally be back together? That hope was quickly diminished when she announced she was developing feelings for another man, the fact that I knew him struck a chord; I was emotionally shattered leaving me in the dark, alone and on the tracks of an oncoming metaphorical train and those butterflies that were once in me now felt like razor wire, slowly tearing at my insides. Did she have family issues? Did she even like me to start with? Was she talking to him while we were together? Even the thought of her still caring when she wished for my permission to pursue him was drowned out by my sorrow; though it had hurt me I still had deep feelings for her and couldnt bear to see her hurt so I encouraged her to pursue him and gave her my best wishes. How could she move on so quickly? That is what was getting to me the most; of course the fact the guy she was pursuing was a good friend of mine was getting to me as well. I was just as disappointed in him as I was with her. He had asked me a day before if I still had feelings for her and without hesitation I said yes. The fact she could move on so quickly from me had me thinking again, was it me? Was I the one who made a mistake in the relationship? Or was I not good enough? That afternoon she was in another relationship, and I was left in the rubble of a broken heart. At that point my self-esteem had crumbled; I was an emotionless zombie for the entire week. At school I had given her the silent treatment, I didnt want anything to do with her, she lied to me, she had broken my heart and I couldnt bear to talk to her. Throughout that week she was asking me what was wrong, she knew what was wrong, but I wouldnt give her an inch, I continued the silence. I couldnt believe she had the urge to ask me what was wrong, that is what really annoyed me. I was thinking of getting professional help, it was an option that ran through my head like the blood in my veins, but I knew I was emotionally strong and that this would all sort itself out; I just had to give it time. The prize at the end of the finish line is what kept me going, the thought that I would get through this and that time heals everything. I knew this was going to happen, since the minute I met her I had a gut feeling this would happen. If this situation has taught me anything it is to follow my instincts. Like most doctors will tell you with basically anything Usually your first gut feeling is what it really is. Thats exactly what it was, she was trouble and I should have realised that to begin with. Her boyfriend was the type of person who didnt know what a relationship was; he saw that girls were only there for their assets instead of them being there for a loving relationship, the term people gave him was desperate. I knew from day one the relationship wasnt going to last, he wasnt her type and she wasnt aware of it, he was the complete opposite of her, she loved sports and he hated it, she was after a loving relationship he wasnt. Later during one afternoon her new boyfriend had messaged me on Facebook. He was telling me that even though that he was dating her, I should still be friends with her. I replied saying to him that I wasnt in the mood all week, assessment was getting to me and I didnt want to talk to anyone, which was a lie obviously. I then proceeded to show my good side, so I sent her an apology for my actions throughout the week, I really didnt want to apologise, really I had full rights to act the way I did. She had replied saying she knows how assessment can annoy me; obviously her boyfriend told 9

her what I told him, so I decided to tell her that it wasnt assessment and I wrote a 900 word message and sent it to her. The message was targeted at her, it wasnt designed to tell her how bad she made me feel it was designed to target her every flaw, and how she had commitment issues, etc. She replied later on saying how she was sorry and that life was getting difficult for her, and that she still wanted to be friends with me. She vented out for quite some time telling me all her problems, me having a caring nature had tried my hardest to comfort her, even after all that she had done to me, to my surprise she even offered to break up with him, if I wanted, with no hesitation I told her no. There were two reasons for this, one being that I didnt want the relationship to end just because I was heartbroken and two, he wasnt after a relationship and I was well aware of this, I wanted her to find out on her own, it was the only way to educate her on the choice she made. She didnt know it but he was also chatting up another girl while dating her, I was well aware of it and I was thinking of telling her, but instead I had decided that karma would be the best option. Allow her to get attached first, then when the time came she would find out and it would affect her the most. I realise that a lot of the things I did were selfish and it wasnt like me to do these things but, I was losing my mind and she had hurt me so I thought revenge was in order. She had confronted me during a lunch break, at first she made it look subtle, asking me how I was going, I really wasnt in the mood to talk to her, but I replied good, yourself? She replied with good and didnt say anything afterwards, it left me thinking, what was she planning? What was she after? Didnt she realise I was still in pain? Thankfully at that minute a friend had asked friend me if I wanted to go to the English block with him to hand in an assignment, she initially offered to come along that was until her boyfriend wanted to come along as well, thats when she decided she would rather stay. She had then sat down away from the group, she was avoiding everyone, that proved something must have been wrong but I was still in too much pain to give her my sympathy. Why should I give her sympathy for after what she had done to me? During our horticulture class which was after the lunch break, I noticed she would constantly look over to me with a frown, she was trying to make me feel bad, I tried very hard to not allow this, but my caring nature and the feelings I felt for her were getting the best of me. As soon as we left the class room I walked up to her and said So you wanted to talk? she nodded and that is where we started talking. She was saying how her Best Friend who she had up at Mackay was threatening to bash her when she went up there for the holidays, I was half tempted to tell her to go away and cry to her boyfriend about it, but I knew it must have been serious if she wanted to talk to me instead of her boyfriend. So I told her the best I could, I told her about reverse psychology, in which she tells her friend to go ahead and beat her up and that she wont solve anything by beating her up. She did just that and it worked flawlessly.

10

The Nine-Hundred Worded Message

FUCK IT! I WILL TELL YOU OVER FACEBOOK What I am about to say or vent as you will may or may not jeopardise our friendship but really I couldnt care less this has to be done, if I hold this in for any longer I am going to explode. Id like to say that the reason I am so annoyed and pissed off isnt because of you but the problem with that is it is completely all about you, all this rage, annoyance, and anger is because of you it has always been because of you. Id like to start off by saying you have commitment issues, that is painfully obvious, whenever a relationship gets serious you get the fuck out of there, this will affect you in the long run. This is not about us breaking up it was better that we broke, I wouldnt be able to stand being in a relationship with a person who didnt like me. Its because you had LIED to me, instead of telling me the truth you had performed a selfish act, what may have been classified as letting me down easy or making me feel better, actually was a selfish act on your part. Let me refresh your memory, you had stated, NOT IN PERSON, but instead cowardly on FACEBOOK, instead of having the common decency to do it in person. You said that you wanted to be single for the rest of the year, ONE that sounds like complete bullshit and TWO I was right to believe that was a lie to begin with, you then had decided telling me that you had family issues, though that is completely plausible, EVERYONE has family issues and we all deal with them, you just made it harder on yourself by pushing me away, now I had stupidly believed these were the reasons we broke up, HOW STUPID OF ME, but after reviewing the relationship it became PAINFULLY clear, that you never had feeling for me, it was all just some sort of selfish bullshit, you toyed with my feeling like they were nothing. YOU MIGHT of had feeling some point within the relationship, but by the end of the second week it became obvious you werent interested anymore, and like the idiot I was I ignored that acted as if this is supposed to happen, this might have been my first relationship but hell even I could tell you werent interested. The question Ive got is ask is was it really worth it? Fucking with my feeling, playing my heart as if it didnt matter, if you didnt have feeling for me or knew that the relationship wasnt going to last, WHY THE FUCK GO OUT WITH ME? You probably didnt realise it at first but, Ive been single all this time not because I couldnt get a girlfriend but because I had been waiting for that one person who I was confident enough that would really be worth having a shot, I dont jump into relationships without full thought, I had feelings for you for over a month before I was certain that you could be the right one for me. Boy was I wrong; you definitely had a side I wasnt aware of. Now you might argue back that you really did have feeling that all you said was the truth, HA! If that were true you wouldnt had pushed me away and then you wouldnt of gone out with Luke not even 2 weeks after breaking up, you offered to find me a girlfriend WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! You may have thought that was a nice thing to ask but FUCK it wasnt even close to being nice, I am still recovering from the break up last thing I need is for another girl to come into my life and break my heart, Im not like you, I dont go out with someone for 2 weeks and make sure to have a new relationship each month. Now youre probably wondering why I am saying this over FACEBOOK, its mainly due to you didnt have the decency to break up and apologise in person, so I wont have the decency to say this in person. GOOD DAY TO YOU! I dont expect a reply from this either, it will probably be too much for you to take in. And if you decide to tell Luke about this I really couldnt care less he isnt in my good books either. And thats that you wanted to know how I was feeling, you wanted to know what was wrong, now you know. I hope this wasnt too overwhelming and if you dont want to be friends anymore I can completely understand that. HOPE I DON'T REGRET SENDING THIS, TOO LATE NOW

11

Chapter VI: The Promise

Eight days into her relationship she had confronted me again, I really didnt want to talk to her, but I allowed her to get her words in. She had asked me my opinion on her boyfriend, she was being told by others that he was desperate and wasnt after a relationship, but instead after something else. I had told her, I cant answer that, it would be too biased; I had stated that I still had feelings for her and for me to answer the question it would be a biased answer. She had told me later on that afternoon that she was breaking up with him, she was afraid that she was being used. I told her that she is better off doing it the proper way this time, in person and not over Facebook, she agreed. She also added that she still had feelings for me, but she promised that she was going to take a break off of dating for a year, and that she was hoping to start up our relationship after the year. For the next few days we sat away from the group at school, she didnt want to be near him. She thought it was awkward and he had also over reacted to the break up. I had talked to him after the break up asking if he was alright, and he said he was fine. About five minutes later he had commented on a status she had put up, going off at her saying just because you have family reasons doesnt mean you should break up, god! I have family issues! her sister had quickly responded going off at him. She had also showed me some texts he had sent her, and they mainly consisted of him trying to get her back. Messages such as he hadnt stopped thinking about her and that he cherished every moment, etc. She didnt find it cute in fact she was annoyed by it. She was also having doubts about the break up, but I was there reassuring her telling her how he was desperate, he wasnt her type. She had thanked me for being so supportive, I told her thats what friends are for, I hated saying that, I wasnt happy with just a friendship. A day after their break up, he was in another relationship and I had quickly texted her asking if she saw the relationship change. She hadnt so I had to fill her in; I asked if she was alright? She had replied that she was fine and didnt care. Though her Facebook statuses suggested otherwise with sentences such as I knew you used me! Surprisingly I was extremely angry at him, the next day I was planning on smacking his head in, he hadnt showed instead he had went to his new girlfriends place and well the anger just sat there idle and faded away. I had rung her up that afternoon, making sure if she was alright. She once again said she was alright, I told her about how I was planning on smacking his head in and she agreed and wanted me to do that. I also spent this time to wish her the best as she went back up to Mackay for the holidays. She had ran me through her schedule and said she would message me, and that if I wanted to talk I should just message her. I said that would be great, and I would do that. She had thanked me again for being amazing and supportive. The thought that she still had feelings for me was rushing through my head. I again had something to look forward to, at the end of the year we would once again have a go at a relationship. I was happy and excited knowing that all this hard work that I am putting in would pay off in the long run. But was she really being sincere? At first I believed it, didnt have a choice, it happened too fast, later on before the holidays I had become suspicious, and did not believe that after the year I would have any chance. So that was my goal, I would use the two weeks from the holidays to move on, and forget about her. I had removed her number; I had deleted and blocked her off Facebook. 12

I had spent most of this time reading over our only messages hoping to decipher anything and everything, just trying to find any sort of key element that would suggest how this situation came to be. I had found little, but some things I came over that I couldnt believe I didnt notice before, for example the message she sent me about no one outside of the group knowing about our relationship, I couldnt believe something like that could get past me. I had also read countless websites on getting over your ex, and you wont believe the amount of web pages that suggest that the men are the ones who move on the quickest and that the men are the heartless ones, this had offended me, the thought that people believed that men were heartless. I came across this one page though that had helped me through it a lot; he had 7 simple steps, as I read over each step it occurred to me that this was going to be easy and that in no time I would be healed. The other problem I started to notice was with me, I was so busy playing detective in my head that I didnt realise it was hurting me, I had the problem of over thinking stuff, I would discover a thousand different ways one sentence could be interpreted. This was affecting me, I was getting angry and depressed for no reason, I had turned every message she ever sent to me into lies and deceitful thoughts.

13

Chapter VII: The Broken Promise

During the first week of the next term I had ignored her, completely not talking to her. She asked me what was wrong I told her it was nothing, just tired and trying to stay focussed on my school work. This wasnt the case obviously, I was just having a hard time moving on and I needed the extra time, I didnt like ignoring her, she was the only person who made my heart light up with every second I talked to her, but it had to be done. On July 18th she had confronted me and asked me if I deactivated my account on Facebook, I told her that I would tell her next lunch break, she had agreed. The next lunch break I had spent the time to tell her what was going on, I had told her that I was unsure if she still had feelings for me and that if the end of the year was going to happen. She reassured me that everything that she had ever told me was the truth. Though she did bring up something about girls and she wasnt sure what she thought was better, dating girls or boys. I told her I was going to unblock her and that we could talk later on if she wanted. Later on I had added her back and wrote up a quick 400 word apology, she had repeated that she still liked me but she was also thinking about the dating thing she had stated earlier on in the day. She was making a decision between me or a girl she had a crush on. Once again my heart had sunk, she was doing it again. Being the person I was, I again told her I cant make you do anything, you will have to come up with this decision yourself, but I can tell you to follow your heart. She said she was afraid that the decision she was making was going to break me, I reassured her saying That may be so, but I will get over it, just remember if this relationship you take doesnt work out, I may still be there for you. She said she would love that and thanked me for being so amazing. And there it was again, heartbroken and still completely in love with her. I tried getting in some advice in, I told her that she should take this time to realise what she wants in a relationship, and I told her that this is important in order to have a potentially stable relationship. She had to realise that by going from relationship to relationship it wouldnt help her realise what she wanted in a relationship, she needed to finally sit down and find out what she wanted. She agreed she would, but whether or not she had listened to me was another thing. I kept supporting her throughout this point, showing her no hard feelings. I asked questions such as who asked who out? And reassured her with telling her how much I supported her and that if she was happy than so was I, that wasnt the case it really was tearing me apart inside, but I didnt want her worrying about me, I told her I would rather see you happy even if it makes me completely miserable. One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else. I had never fully understood that quote until now; it was completely true it was one of the hardest things I had to go through. Our friendship from there had hit it off, I had basically became one of her closest friends, I was trying to reserve my seat, hoping that if I get close enough I could re-establish our old relationship. Over the next month, I was asking questions, getting a lot of feelings off my chest. These questions mainly consisted of whether or not she still liked me, and for some reason she still persisted with that she did, it didnt make much sense to me, she was in a relationship, but still managed to have feelings for me.

14

During this time, I was also trying my hardest to help her. She had a problem of making decisions and they always ended up badly, I was there to try and teach her my ways, the way to think before making a decision and knowing how to make the better one for her. There was no right or wrong decision, one was just better than the other. But she also had the problem of not allowing people in, no matter how much I pushed, no matter how much I poked at her, my words fell on deaf ears and she continued to make bad decisions.

15

Chapter VIII: The Third

The time came once again, that her relationship was over. This was where I had comforted her, asking her if she was alright, and what happened. She had told me that her girlfriend was a player and was also dating a guy as well as her. So she ended it, this left her heartbroken like me, but she added that as revenge she had already someone else lined up. I asked who it was, hoping that it was me, but unfortunately I was toyed with again, it was another girl, what made it worse was that she had only known her over Facebook and that they had only started talking the day before. She told me not to take it to heart, how could I not? She had rejected me twice, leaving me to think that I wasnt good enough, that even a complete stranger fits up to her expectations and that I was not what she wanted, that I didnt have what it took to satisfy her. This also left me to think that everything she was telling me was a lie and I being the next she would date was just lie to keep me keen and loyal. This had hurt me badly; it had left me once again on the tracks of a metaphorical train. Every night I had tried to cry, but no matter how much I sat there going through all the things she done to me, I could but manage a single tear. I knew that crying was the best way to release emotions, but I was so used to bottling up my emotions that when it came time to show emotions I could not do it. With no way to release my emotions my body was converting all my sorrow and pain into anger and rage, but that just kept building as I could not release that either. She was digging herself into a hole, I couldnt stand by and watch her ruin her life and continue to ruin mine, and it had to be stopped. The following day I had come up with a speech, I messaged her early in the morning saying that we needed to talk. She arrived five minutes later wondering what we needed to talk about, I was surprised by how early she had arrived at school, but nonetheless I got straight to the point. I started out telling her she was going down a dark road that she may not be able to return from. I told her and I quote this Look, by jumping from relationship to relationship it isnt helping you, you are emotionally crippled and you are just trying to cover it. Whatever hole you are trying to fill you wont be able to fill it, instead you are going to make it larger and eventually youre going to hate yourself for it. In your current state I dont ever see you having a stable relationship. That instance there went on for quite some time, it was the first time we had ever argued. Up to that point we had the perfect time together, no bickering, no fighting and no hassle. I had hurt her badly, but it was all the truth, she was just too stubborn to realise, or better yet she did realise and like they say the truth hurts the most. My intentions were good, I had to put myself into a strangers shoes, a friend would have sugar coated it while a stranger would just tell her how it was, it wasnt easy, I didnt enjoy telling her so bluntly, I had to, it was for her own good. However, not all that I said was the intention to help her, she had hurt me, lied to me several times. I snapped at her with blinding rage, targeting all of her emotional flaws, trying so desperately to break her down. I had forgotten most of what I had said, but I was well aware that it was hurting her. For the rest of the day she avoided me and refused to talk to me, I decided it was necessary to apologise, so I sent her a text saying that I was sorry. That didnt work; even attempts to apologise in person were but an utter failure. It made me feel like an asshole, I really couldnt believe I was capable of doing that, I was kicking myself in the back of the head. So when I got home I had wrote up a five hundred word apology and sent it. I then sat there endlessly worrying, thoughts of her ending the friendship or worse was running through my head the entire time, I felt lost and the guilt 16

was gut wrenching. She didnt reply back until she had finished work. She accepted the apology, though she said that it would take some time to regain my trust, I blindly offered a free hit if she deemed necessary, I told her that I deserved it after saying such things to her. From there on she had acted different to me, it wasnt the same. She didnt talk to me as often; this lasted for a couple of weeks, until she finally started to talk to me again. Once again I had gained the title of being a close friend, somewhere I had offered to be her best friend she had agreed, though she said that her current best friend didnt like her having more than one best friend, I had replied with well, you can have more than one, she had said that wont do, but she said that she needed a male best friend. From there I had the new title of BBF Boy Best Friend which was great, though that didnt last.

17

The Apology Letter

Im sorry, what I said today, I really didnt mean. I was pissed off okay, I lash out people I shouldnt, and I realise what I said this morning was absolutely awful and to god I wish I could take it all back but unfortunately I cant. I feel horrible, downright horrible for saying what I said; I really didnt think I was capable of saying such things. Ive been kicking myself in the back of the head all day, thinking why I had said the things I did. I cant believe people call me smart, what I had done today was downright the dumbest thing anyone could do. To upset you was not my intention at all; the words that I had said were not as I had planned. All day I have been trying to say I am sorry, I am completely sorry, but you have been avoiding me all day and I understand that, because if I had someone say the things that I had said to me I would be avoiding them too. I cant be anymore sorry and I know theres probably no way for me to make it up to you but if you would find in your heart to forgive me. But if you dont, I completely understand and will leave you alone. I dont know what else I could say; this was the biggest mistake I have made in a long time. I want to make it up to you, Ill even give you a free shot if that would help it, and I deserve to be hit for what I have said. I am sorry.

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Chapter IX: The Jealousy

The fact she was hanging around this guy who she had stated annoyed her a lot. In fact that guy annoyed almost everyone. I was confused because when we were dating she had asked me to get this guy as well to back off, he was always following her around, and she was sick of it. Then one week she decides that she is best friends with him and says that it was a change in her mood, but moods are associated with emotions and that only meant one thing in my mind, she was falling for him. The very thought of her falling for him felt like a knife through the heart, the guy himself was a feral, she was way too good for him, and if she was to fall for him, my self-esteem would drop to an alltime low. The pain was unbearable, it was my first time experiencing jealousy and it had hit me hard, I couldnt stand it. For the next three weeks, our friendship had resumed, we were talking again, except it was different, when it used to be me and her, it was now me, her and that guy. Her and that guy had become close friends, it was getting to me, they had been texting each other over weekends, when she never texted me and they also hung out on weekends, another thing me and her never did. I was jealous, the very thought had ran through my head like a wild fire, it was a fire that was sparked and had caught on fast. It had bothered me that he had already gotten further than I had in a much shorter time, for months I had tried very hard to become close friends with her, but she kept pushing me aside. I had to get to the bottom of it, she said she didnt like him and would never date him, I was still suspicious, she had lost my trust, I didnt believe anything she told me anymore, and I had good reasons not to. Was she lying to me? I couldnt tell anymore. I couldnt tell the difference between what was up from what was down, this entire situation was getting to me, and it was becoming a huge burden in my life. Lingering on the hope that this would all sort itself out, I was becoming emotionally exhausted, I couldnt go on any further. During this time I had also kept a promise that I had made during our relationship. The promise was that for her 18th birthday she deserved something special, and I did just that, saving up for nearly an entire month using the spare change I got from tuckshop, I managed to earn $120. The initial plan was to go to a jeweller at the Kin Kora Shopping Centre and get her the necklace I had marked out online. However when I got there the store I initially wanted to go to wasnt there so I shopped around and found another jeweller and a necklace that looked perfect, it had cost $89, cheaper and looked better than the original necklace. Though her birthday was still a couple of months away, I had decided to give it to her early, she loved it, and had worn it to school every day after that. I had at one point asked her if she was still going on the road trip and she had said she wasnt sure and that she might not be, this had left me thinking will I be able to convince her otherwise. The reason I really wanted to go was because she was going to be there, but now that she wasnt sure if she was going, did I still want to go? I didnt know it left me thinking on how awkward it would be for me to go on a road trip with a couple by myself.

19

Chapter X: The Final Stretch

The time had come when she had failed another relationship, I didnt know about it until a couple of days after it had happened, she obviously didnt want me to know until I had asked. I had once again comforted her, asked her if she was alright, and what happened. The ironic thing was that it had ended the exact same as our relationship ended; her girlfriend had broken up with her because she didnt have time for a relationship, though she didnt show it, I knew this had affected her the most, she had developed strong feelings for her and it had ended. It ended the exact same as ours had and at the time I dont think she realised that. But at this point I was going mentally insane, impatient and unsure if I was making the right decisions. I was acting on whims and not thinking thoroughly, I had jumped the gun and asked her more questions, this time I got the shrug of the shoulders and Why do you ask? It was obvious why I was asking, I had a gut full of it. Why do you ask? Those four words were a bane in this situation, like a thorn in my side. She knew why and I couldnt believe she was being so stupid about it, it frustrated me and it didnt help that every time I asked a serious question hoping to get a straight answer, but instead getting the shrug of the shoulders and why do you ask? September 11th at approximately ten oclock at night I had put up a status on Facebook. Why does she continue to play with my head? Sick of these mind games. Five minutes later I had receive a message from her saying I dont think I play with your head I ignored it, I wasnt in the mood to talk to her, she had then sent another message ten minutes later saying hey The story behind that was, every night around eleven oclock we usually messaged each other starting with hey, once again I ignored it. I decided to write on one of her friends walls, she must have saw it and realised I was ignoring her, because later on around midnight I had noticed she removed me; I was in a better mood then and decided it was time to talk. I messaged her saying hey, she messaged back and thats when we had a long talk, she had finally admitted that she was unsure if she still liked me in that way and needed time to think, I told her Take as long as you need, let me know as soon as you find out, think carefully and think twice before coming up with your final decision, you dont need any more regrets. The next four days were going to be the hardest for me, thankfully her new best friend, that annoying guy, was suspended and wouldnt be at school till Wednesday so I had the next two days of her to myself, enough time to decide for myself. During Monday, I had spent as much time with her, talking, joking and having fun. Also taking the time to ask some questions, wasnt trying to push it too far I knew that these questions would have been getting on her nerves. I was just fishing for answers and trying to notice any sort of signs that indicated she was lying. She hadnt come to school on Tuesday, she told me that she was going to go shopping and wouldnt arrive until late, that was until the day ended and she didnt arrive. Throughout the day it left me to think, the problem with thinking was that I had been doing it all year and I was having a gut full of it. For some reason the longer I was away from her the angrier and annoyed with her I got and I didnt know why, but I believed it had to do with all the thinking I was doing. Then Wednesday came along, they had arrived to school together and walked by my PE class, thats when I cracked, all the pressure, all of this, the entire last four months had hit me all at once, I didnt show it there I just ignored them. From then on the rest of the day I was a mindless zombie, I didnt laugh, didnt smile, didnt have any fun for the rest of the day. Every minute felt like hours, I had finally cracked. 20

Earlier in the day I had been talking to a friend telling him this story, he said that some things that I wasnt aware of, such as that from what he gathered, I hated being so nice to her, but the truth was that I hated that I loved being so nice to her. I had also filled him in with my suspicion with her new best friend, he wasnt too sure about it, he didnt notice. Throughout the first break she was persistent with asking me what was wrong, I kept telling her it was nothing, I really didnt want to talk to her, it was killing me, I was losing control. When the guy arrived at the group at lunch, I felt the piercing in my heart again, as he greeted her with poking her ribs and sitting beside her, shoulder to shoulder. My friend sitting beside them had looked over to me at that point poking a face and pointing at them to say I know what you mean. That had once again caused the butterflies to become razor wire. I had then decided I had enough and left the group keeping her out of my sight.

21

Chapter XI: The Moving On

I came up with a decision, it was a tough one to make and I knew that it could end badly. I had spent the entire Wednesday afternoon writing up a message, explaining everything; on what was going on and how I was going no contact with her. This chapter of my life was finally coming to an end. The message contained a lot of detail on why I was doing what I was doing. I told her that I wont be sitting at the group and that I will talk to her again in a couple of months. The message was around one thousand one hundred words long, so there was a lot of information within its contents. After sending the message I got a response twenty minutes after it was sent, she had said that this situation was hurting her too, and she wasnt sure why she wasnt interested anymore. She also said that I shouldnt leave the group it wouldnt be the same without me, I told her I had to and that I really didnt want it to go this way, but it did. She also asked What if later on in life, I do want to date you then what? I replied saying If later on in life you want to give us another go, all you have to do is ask. The next day September 15th, was the last day I would talk to her for a long time, both of us took the opportunity to talk about it and enjoy the last day of us talking for a while. Though the only time I got time to talk to her was during period four maths class, it wasnt necessary for me to attend maths on Thursday afternoons, but she was failing maths and needed the extra help so every Thursday I would volunteer to stay and help her, we had done some work, while still taking the opportunity to talk as much as possible. It was difficult to say good bye that afternoon, but I managed. Thoughts of how it used to be run through my head as I gave her the final hug, all of the good times, the bad times had been drowned out by all the glorious times we had spent together. She had also added that she would text me over the holidays, she obviously did not understand the meaning of no contact, but I went with it and said that it would great. She said that if I ever wanted to talk I should just text her, but I had already been doing that every day and normally getting no response, when I did get a response it was usually one word messages she would put no effort into it and that just showed she wasnt interested. I didnt plan on texting her; I had removed her number and decided that anything that reminded me of her would be removed from my sight. I had removed lots of songs that reminded me of her and placed them into a usb, far away from my sight. There were a lot of songs I had once listen to while dating her, but as soon as it was over those songs would bring me sorrow, and thus they were stored away, until the day I was over this. It had only been three days and I was still thinking about her constantly, not for a second was she off my mind. But I knew it was for the best. They were the most difficult first few days, having full knowledge that what I was doing could help me, but I was also afraid that it may destroy the friendship we had. I found those days to be important, I had found out that our friendship was valuable and irreplaceable. We were both there for each other, through thick and thin, both were each others rocks, a stone that either one of us could lean against through any situation. Maybe we werent meant to be a couple; maybe our friendship was destined to be stronger than any other. I also took this time to realise that she might have been in as much pain as I was. Maybe the reason she didnt give me a straight answer to whether or not she liked me in that way was because she was so used to having relationships that failed and got nowhere, she had already dated me once and she was probably afraid it would end the same way again at that point she would have not only 22

failed another relationship, but ultimately, lost one of her closest friends, a friend she couldnt live without. But that wouldnt be the case, no matter what happened there would be no way our friendship could end, we had been there for each other through thick and thin, it was too strong to end, it would only get stronger. She may never realise this, even if we did have another chance at a relationship, and if it did fail, our friendship would still stay intact. She was the only person who could end the friendship, for it was too important for me. Or was I just giving her too much credit, maybe it was exactly how it sounded, that she really was using me and didnt care. On the first Thursday of the holidays, I had decided that I wouldnt ever get a text from her, even after she promised she would, and I was sick of having late nights waiting for that phone to light up. She told me if I ever wanted to talk I should text her, but I wasnt going to do that, I was sick of getting no response, she wasnt interested so why should I put in effort? I had turned off my phone and stored it into my school bag, never to be turned back on for the holidays. I had gotten as much help from friends during the first week of the holidays, I had told this story over and over again, to the point that I didnt care anymore, that this entire story meant nothing. By the end of the first week due to endless advice and recalling of everything she had done to me, the feelings for her had faded, I had achieved my goal. She was on my mind, but not as much and the thought of her wasnt as strong. I went from waiting on end for a text from her, to just carrying on with my life, and whether or not she thought of me was not something I worried about. I thought back to the start and memories of how it used to be. Though the memories of what she had done to me had flushed out the good times, I had to stop thinking about her. The second week would prove to be the hardest. Within the first few days of the second week it had hit me hard, I had thought that I was achieving my goal and that the two week holidays would have been enough, which was not the case. I was thinking about her twice as much, it was both the good times which brought a smile to my face, but the sudden realisation that it would never be like that again had quickly diminished my happiness and had converted those emotions into frustration and anger. I was thinking of things to say to her when I got back to school, these were not nice things to say either. Some of the conversations that were running through my head were fully capable of destroying whatever friendship we had left. I had to stop thinking about her; I had to find a distraction that would keep me occupied and keep bad thoughts away. These constant thoughts and memories were slowly deteriorating my sanity; I was trapped in my own head, spending every waking moment in my own hell. I was trying everything to stop thinking about it, I had tried working out, studying, playing games, and nothing was working. The more I tried to forget the more my brain played games with me, intensifying the thoughts, intensifying the rage that was so hell bent with getting out. I told myself to keep it together, just to keep pushing forward and that it would all be over soon. My own body was making it harder, harder than what it had to be, it didnt have to be this difficult. After a few sleepless nights of staring at the ceiling contemplating over my life, I had finally made a breakthrough. The thoughts of her were fading once more, this time I was confident that it would be for good. I had finally figured out why this was so difficult for me, and why I was having such a hard time of moving on. I was afraid. Afraid that the moment I move on she would want me back, and I 23

would possibly say no, and completely miss the chance to be with her again. But as I thought about it more I came to realise that if that was the case it was better than being in my current state and it was time to stop worrying about the future and start focussing on my present. I had to move on and get on with my life, I knew that much, and there was nothing going to stop me from succeeding that goal. A lot of people were asking me Wow, she did all of that to you? Why do you still want her? There was a time when I knew how to answer that. Now I didnt know why, could it be that I really did love her? Or could it be that I had put so much effort into getting back with her that if I had failed it would have seemed like a waste of time? Dont waste your time chasing those who dont appreciate you, it will only end up hurting you.

24

The One-Thousand and One-Hundred Worded Message

This is going to be a long read, around 1100 words, whether or not you read it is up to you, but it is important. I was deciding all day whether or not to send this, but I came up with a decision, I am unsure of what kind of reaction I will get, but hey! Why not, my life cant get any worse than what it already is. Look, I really do like you, I mean really do. I would do anything to be with you, but this is just too much for me, I cant handle this anymore, I am breaking down. I have become emotionally exhausted, I no longer laugh, I hardly smile and I am hardly ever having fun. Every minute feels like hours and I cant take this anymore. I know you havent made a decision yet, but the reason I am doing this is because you are starting to shows signs of disinterest. You no longer talk to me, only times you do is to ask for lunch, ask if I am alright, ask if I can do this for you, it is never Hey how was your weekend or Hey, wanna do something this weekend?, the only times you ever really talk to me is when I talk to you first and that is usually one sided, that shows that you are not interested and I have had a gut full of it. I never wanted it to come to this, I never thought it would. When I first met you, I told myself I will never associate myself with her, I had a gut feeling this would happen, on first sites you showed a sense of immaturity and irrational thinking. But when I got to know you better you showed something to me, that irrational thinking can be changed, if I pushed the right buttons. I tried I really did, and the only reason I had been trying to push you into the right direction is because I thought maybe it would lead you towards me. I tried, I failed and I am not stupid enough to stay around for any longer before you hurt me any further. I tried telling you that it wasnt your fault, when really the whole time all I wanted to do was say it was, and make you feel as bad as I did, but I am not that type of person and I like I said, Never lower yourself down to others. That is gold advice, and I will follow it to my grave. To try and make you feel bad wouldnt make me any better than those who bring me down. It really is your fault, this couldve all been avoided all of it. By several different scenarios, one you told me the real reason why you broke up with me, instead of family issues and saying the same bullshit you told Thomas caught you out on that pathetic lie. The other you didnt break up with me, but that happened oh well. Or you didnt make everything complicated by saying you still did have feelings for me and tell me again and again that I was next in line; you know how skanky that sounds? Are people just options to you? Do you just see everyone as a possible date? No wonder your relationships dont last, I feel sorry for you, I really do. The last scenario is my entire fault, if I had never asked you out, these feelings would have faded and I would be sitting here right now, not writing you fan mail but instead working on something else. I have also recently realise, that I hate buying you lunch, I hate doing your work, I hate being so nice to you, I hate being so caring for you, and yet I get nothing in return. I hate seeing you with Marac you wont believe how much I hate it, every time I see you with him, my heart stops and a large amount of rage engulfs my head, you say you dont like him you say you wont date him, but come on, be honest, you went out with Luke, you went out with Leana, youre not the best at picking, there are plenty of fish in the see, but YOU suck at fishing, and you are very unpredictable. I am not a jealous person, but your dating habits have me worried. Since Sunday night, my brain has hit overdrive, I gave you the choices. You said it will take you a while, naturally I accepted that. The problem is that from then on, my brain had changed, every message, every comment, your every action was assessed and for some reason my brain was telling 25

me, She isnt interested anymore, but then why would she be taking so long to come up with a decision, I know I am a smart, nice guy maybe she does still like me, just deciding to make sure, or maybe she doesnt isnt saying to not hurt my feelings, god knows. But now, here I am deciding to write this, explaining as much as I can remember and think of. Of course there probably a lot more that I would like to say, but at the moment is all that can come to mind. I thought Karma was supposed to reward those who are good and punish those who have done wrong, WHERE IS MY KARMA! I have been there for you always and looking out for you and nothing goes my way, instead everything goes downhill. I am starting to think logically, I know you dont like me in that way anymore and I still dont understand why not? Hell I wouldnt doubt that you dont care about our friendship, you say you do but then you shows signs of not caring and I am done with it. That is life, and if wish to live a happy one, I have to do this. I dont expect this to affect you in anyway, not in the slightest; I am going N/C. But if you do so as wish to contact me, unfortunately you do have my number and you can still talk to me through either Bruce or Taichijanna or even in Horticulture, but I dont advise you to talk to me unless either you make up your mind or you have a really bloody good reason too, also dont bother trying to get anyone to ask me whats going on, there is only one person I will talk to and that is Ben, but he wont tell you shit, dont bother barking up his tree. Besides that I dont want to talk to you, it hurts too much, oh god it hurts, like a knife through the heart. I must also emphasise that this isnt me, I am going through a lot right now and well, this is the option that is suggested so much, so I am taking it. You have until midnight to talk to me, after that N/C. After all of this is done, if you are still interested, not betting on it, but if you are, I would be so kind to give you another chance, but really I dont think you will be interested, but you never know. Hopefully when this is all over, I am feeling better. Until then talk to you in a couple of months, give or take depending on the healing process, or if you come up with a decision. And I dont think you will be able to change my mind. - Catch ya DLK.

26

Chapter XII: The Closure

With the goal in mind the first week back was do or die. The first few days were the hardest, adjusting to the new group. The new group was different to my old, which was good, it didnt in anyway remind me of her, and this was the group that was needed to move on effectively. But that did not in any way completely block out thoughts of her. People within the group were asking why I had changed groups, I had quickly run them through the story in really low detail, so that it was short and sweet, but still conveyed the correct message. I had effectively avoided seeing her for the first day, not even seeing a second of her. I believed this would be easy that I would have been over her in no time. But there was something still going on, for some reason I was still very tempted to talk to her. Temptation had gotten the best of me and texted her that very night, bad idea. The texts started off easy; with the traditional hey it felt like the good days all over again. That was not the case and that became apparent very quickly. I had asked her how she was going and she said she was doing well, I reassured her telling her that when this was all over that we could continue our friendship if she wished. She said what I believed to be a yes. I had also added how this whole situation made me feel like I had destroyed our friendship and to my surprise she said that I had destroyed it. That was not what I wanted to hear, I flinched, and I didnt know how to reply to that. She just told me that I was responsible for the destruction of our old friendship. She asked how the moving on was going, and I had replied not well, and she once again replied to my surprise thats good. What the hell was she trying to do? It was enraging me with her stupid replies, was she trying to piss me off? I replied What are you trying to do? If youre trying to annoy me, its working. She had replied saying that this is what she was talking about that we were constantly arguing and she didnt like arguing with me. I had told her that her messages were stupid and useless and that they were frustrating me, she had quickly stated that she was also texting someone else at the same time and that she may have gotten the messages mixed up. Obvious lie, I wasnt going to buy it for a second. She messaged again saying sorry, I ignored it and then got a second message a little while later saying she was going to bed, once again I didnt reply. I couldnt believe she had just done that, it frustrated me to the max. Was she finally showing her true colours? Or was she becoming the very girl I was trying to prevent her from becoming? I didnt know all I did know is that pissed me off. Horticulture lessons were the worst, every five seconds I could hear her voice, hear her name and seeing her with the guy still annoyed me immensely. I was losing my mind and was half tempted to send my head through the desk I was sitting at, repeatedly. The friend next to me was seeing me at my worst; I felt embarrassed but was in too much emotional pain to care. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt, from there I promised that I would do anything to move on, this was just too much and I knew soon it would do more harm than right. Finally back on track to moving on, I started to have thoughts about the girl in my new group. I had a crush on her the year before, we were in the same legal class and talked basically all the time, but I missed my chance with her last year, a friend had asked her out and I had moved on from her. I thought that if I had those feelings then those feelings were still there, all I had to do was work on getting them back. This is what I believed would be the one factor that would help me greatly with moving on. I had decided that I would wait. I was planning on asking her out in a few weeks time, but the more I thought about it the hastier I became. Within the second week back at school I had jumped the gun 27

and arranged to talk to her, where I would ask her out, I wasnt thinking straight. Deep down I knew she would say no, but I continued anyway. At lunch she had arrived and I had asked if I could talk to her privately, she said sure and we walked over to the tables away from the group. I had kept it short and sweet Would you want to go out with me? she had replied I dont know you that well, I would have to get to know you first, and can I have your number? I said sure and I handed her my number. For the rest of the day it left me thinking, I knew that it was a no, but a potential yes. I was thinking heavily, but not about my ex, which was a huge surprise, the first day I had ever had up to that point that I wasnt thinking about her. Was I ready for a relationship? The answer was no, did I have feelings for the girl? Again the answer was no and was asking her out the right idea? No. I had made a complete fool of myself, but I didnt regret it. Though she said no, it made me realise that I wasnt ready for a relationship, but ultimately I could finally for the first time in a long time say I had finally moved on. My goal was complete, I had finally moved on, and I was both happy and excited, it was the greatest feeling ever, felt like the biggest weight was finally lifted off my shoulders and I was finally free. I had to spread the good news, this finally meant that my friendship with my ex could finally resume. I decided to text her that night, the traditional hey had started it off, I started with How you been? she said In pain. I asked what for? And she had replied that she had gotten a chemical second degree burn on her right wrist, and that it was from work. She didnt share any details on how she managed to do that. I continued I can gladly say that I am now over you, and we can get our friendship back on track, could we hang out one lunch, just the two of us? she replied with Maybe, if I am in the mood. That was the worst reply I could possibly get, I knew her too well, a quick translation shows No, it wont ever happen. She had just blown me off, the problem was is that what I was going to say was very important and had to be said in person. For too long had both of us hid behind electronics whenever we had a serious talk it was time to do it in person.

28

Chapter XIII: The Parasite

For almost a week we hadnt spoken to each other, I had been getting more involved in my group, and I was also informed that her and that guy had an argument and had stopped talking to each other. It didnt bother me none, I was too set on talking to her, I needed to talk to her desperately this was going to be the one talk to end them all. After an IT class I had taken a different route hoping to cut her off and talk, the only concern was that I did cut off her off but she was with the guy, it confused me, was I misinformed? She said hey, and I said hey back, but kept moving on. Once again I missed my chance, but she with the guy again, funny how quickly they can bounce back together, I have one argument with her and it is the end of the world, they have one and they are still best buds. This talk had to be done, I spent the entire week deciding what I would say, trying to convey the right message, I was also deciding how to say it, whether I should keep my calm persona or decide to allow my mothers anger shine. I was a calm person, but I also had my mothers anger in me, if you ticked me off or got into my bad books, I had full capability of making you wish you hadnt. This was going to be the last time we ever talked for a long time, it would be the last she would hear from me and after school it would the last she ever saw from me. For too long had I allowed her to push me around, she was a parasite and I knew that now, before I was blinded. Love was allowing me to see what I wanted to see, I wasnt seeing the truth. The definition of parasite is an organism that attaches itself to a host organism and drains it of sustenance, the parasite continues to do that until the host cannot provide no more, at which point the parasite moves to the next host. I was that host, I was the person who bought her lunch and did her work and was there when she needed me, but as soon as I stopped doing that I was useless to her and she attached herself to the next person. That was it she had to go, she was causing too much pain and she wasnt worth leaving without last words. The message I wanted to convey was that I wasnt going to continue this friendship no more, she had to go, she was to leave me alone and leave my life. I also wanted to say that I tried helping her, trying hard to teach her the values and morals I was brought up with, morals on how to make the right decisions and how to be a good person, even relationship values. But she pushed me away and she had become the very person I was trying to prevent her from becoming. I would let her know that she made a mistake, and that it would take her quite some time to realise it, in ten, maybe twenty years she would look back to this time and realise that she had a really nice guy and she pushed him away, she would then have to decide, should I call him? Find some way to contact him? She would then have to hope that I was nice enough to forgive her. I had confronted her during a horticulture lesson, I told her that we desperately needed to talk and it was important, she had stated that she wouldnt be at school for another two weeks and we would talk then, I didnt believe her, she would find some way of blowing me off, that was fine with me, if push came to shove I would find her group and embarrass her in front of her new friends, I didnt care it was going to happen and she wasnt going to avoid it. Throughout the lesson it was the same old again, hearing her voice and her name, just got to me, the feelings werent jealousy or love, it was hatred, and for once in my time I hated someone. I absolutely despised her, I hated her every aspect, and she had become the person I feared she would become, I tried desperately to change her but she continued down the dark road. And it was too late to turn back now. After class I reminded her that we needed to talk.

29

Chapter XIV: The Decision

Throughout the rest of the following week, I was checking a list, bit by bit. I had first established what I would say, that was easy, I knew I had to let her know how she made me feel. What I didnt count on was my conscience deciding it wanted to have a say in the matter. I was fighting a war in my own head, deciding whether or not to even have the talk, half of me wanted to make her finally pay for what she had done, while the other wanted not to do anything about it. I had to make a decision, speak up and defy my own beliefs and morals, three in specific or say nothing. Never burn a bridge, dont sink down to others levels and never let anyone change you for any reason. Either decision I chose I would regret, if I said nothing I would think, what could of happened if I did, and that went the same with if I did have the talk. It was a Catch 22 no matter which choice I made I would come to regret it. I had to make a decision quickly; available time was running out fast. I had decided at one point that I was in fact going to do it; I was going to say what was needed to be said. But then days later I had talked myself out of it, I was losing a war, focussing so much on this one decision. Thankfully my life wasnt interfered I had continued to finish my school work, and the new group was going great. I was fitting in quite well, speaking more and becoming well known throughout the group. Once again I had decided I would have the talk, this time it was going to stick, I had spent hours day and night thinking of what to say, and how to say it. I had it all planned out I knew where it would happen, I knew when it would happen and I knew what I would say, it was all about the delivery. I needed to think of what words I would use, and which emotional flaws to target. The very thought of doing it was cleansing, finally getting say the words I always wanted to say, she was finally going to pay for what she had done. The following week I had decided I would sit back at the group and test the waters, I had been told that she had changed groups, allowing me to move in without the risk of running into her. That wasnt the case, I had run into one of my friends and he had asked me if I was sitting at the group at lunch, I had replied that I was, he asked if I was going to talk to her, I had replied to him No, fuck her. Excuse my French. He had replied with a witty comment You would, wouldnt you? with one single groan he had apologised. As I walked up the group my heart had jumped into panic as I saw the back of her bag, she was at the group, I groaned, but continued on. As I arrived at the tables she gave me dagger eyes, I sat down far away from her, I knew something was up, she was pissed off, at what I had no idea. I had spoken to the annoying guy; it was the first in quite a long time. He had brought her up during a conversation and I had told him how she hadnt spoken to me in quite some time, he told me that she wasnt interested anymore with talking to me and really had a gut full of me, he had added she had blamed the entire last five months on me, that I was the cause of the situation. That was the last straw, before I was deciding whether or not to say anything, now it was confirmed. I had to say something, if she was so ignorant to blame me on the situation; she was going down, how could she be so oblivious, egotistical to think that I was the cause for all of this? Now it all made sense thats why she gave me a look at the group, she was pissed off at me, and that was fine because if she wanted to be that way, it took two to play that game.

30

The next horticulture lesson had come along, and I knew it had to be done that day; I had been hyping myself up the night before and wasnt going to allow anything from stopping me. The lesson started off well, the teacher ran us through what we needed to get done, as usual I was ahead of the class and was allowed to go to the library, I had asked a friend if he wanted to come along as well, he said he would, he needed to search up some chemical control methods for the coral cactus. Before I left the room I asked her if I could speak to her at lunch, she flinched and said Yeah, if I am not doing anything. Translation No, and I am going to try and avoid you. I knew she was going to try and get away, but I still needed to think of what I was going to say. I used the seventy minute lesson to research words that reflected what I was feeling and how to describe her. Such words as egotistical, ungrateful, self-righteous and manipulative, I had to make sure that I was getting the right message through. I only had one try at this and I had to make it right.

31

Chapter XV: The Sympathy

I was at the library with one of my friends explaining what I was planning on doing to her, and he had told me that he had never seen me so pissed off, I had explained that I was normally a friendly guy, but if you get on my bad side, you will pay for it. She had gotten on my bad side and my mothers temper was starting to show. I was set, this was going to happen, and she wasnt going to avoid it, I was even willing to do it in front of her friends if it came to that. One of my other friends had walked into the library, he was asking me if he could get the control methods for Black Willow, which I had handed him, and he added that he had convinced her to talk to me. He said that she said that I do most of the talking anyway, she wanted to hear what I wanted to say then she would say what she wanted to say. She was also under a lot of stress and couldnt handle any more crap. He told her not to worry that this talk would relieve her and she wouldnt regret it, he knew what I was going to say, just he also knew how important it was for me to have this talk. Though that is when I had second thoughts, when I thought I had fought my conscience off, it had come back in the form of sympathy. Knowing that she was under stress already, might push her over the edge, I tried to ignore it. I needed this talk; I wasnt going to allow her to control me again. But I couldnt help it; she had my sympathy and probably always will. It was just the type of person I was, I stood by my morals and beliefs strongly referring to three in specific. Never burn a bridge; you may need to cross it again later in life. Never lower yourself to others levels, no matter what they have done to you. Never allow any one person change you; you are who you are, never change because of one person. These three I followed in my everyday life, if I was to do the talk I would be doing all three in one go. She had ruined most of my last year of school, pissed me off and nearly had me going against my own life values. The time had come, there was ten minutes until the class ended and I was in a hurry to get back to the horticulture room. I made my way out of the library and walked towards the back entrance of the class room, as I stood on the stairs she had opened the door and walked out, she gave me another look and power walked away. Unable to chase after her, I had put my books away, gave the teacher my work sheets and left the room in a hurry, I rushed towards the group. No surprise when I got there, she wasnt there she had gone. I was all kinds of pissed off at that moment, swearing under my breath, storming around the group until I finally sat down and started to talk to some friends. One of my friends had asked if I was going to talk to her, when I had told them that she ran away, also adding how pissed off I was. I missed my chance once again, twice that had happened now, thoughts of how much of a coward she was and what I was going to say and what I was going to say she deserved. Too many surprises in one day, she was making her way back to the group, she didnt chicken out. She had given the signal, a signal I hadnt seen in over two months, it was the signal we had established that we use whenever we needed to talk. I gave the signal back and we had gone to the place where our first talk had taken place nearly three months ago. The talk had started out with a pause and I had said You go first, I am sure you have a lot to say, why not get it out first. She replied that she had nothing to say and was more interested in what I had to say. I had paused; I had made a quick coin toss in my head, deciding to go all out or just to see 32

what her opinion on this situation was. I had told her that she had changed; that she obviously wasnt interested with our friendship anymore and that is all I ever wanted in the end. I had told her about the offensive texts she had sent back to me and how it showed signs of her being angry at me. She had said that other people use her mobile and they might have texted me, I knew that was a lie, I had seen enough of her texts to know it was her. I had also added that the way she looked at me when I re-entered the group the day before. She said that it was because she didnt expect me to be back so soon. I had stated that I had gotten over her and that was why I re-entered the group, I still didnt understand why she gave me that look. The talk wasnt going the way I had planned it, I was being sympathetic, being too nice not insulting her at all. My friend was watching I could see him smirking in the corner of my eye, trying to hold back laughter. I continued, saying what she had told me a while back, that after the break up when she went up to Mackay she would come back better, I said that wasnt the case instead she came back worse, that she was going down a bad road and that it would hurt her in the long run, making sure to tell her about all of her bad decisions. I told her that I knew she was making bad decisions, but I kept telling her They were good decisions when in reality they were horrible, she asked why I didnt tell her that she was making decisions. I said I was her friend and that I had already tried that and where did that get me? It got me nowhere instead, you had avoided me completely. She said that was because I was going off at her, and I cut her off there saying that it was another technique, you werent getting the picture when I was being nice, slowly nudging you into the right direction you had ignored me, making another bad decision. I told her that I was a natural counsellor; I was able to help everyone who wanted it. She said that she didnt know that and if she did she would have spoken to me for guidance. I had told her many times before that I was trying to help her, was she really that thick skulled? She had then asked if I could start helping her make the right choices the following week, I had said that would be fine. I knew she wouldnt do anything, and I wasnt planning on reminding her either, if she wanted help it was time she started doing something about it. I had asked her one last time, Do you still want to be my friend? She had replied yes, and she asked if I still wanted to as well, I replied I didnt know. I added. If we were to become friends again, we wouldnt be as close as we used to be, not for a long time, you had broken my trust and you needed to earn it back. For the last five months, all you had done was drag me around, play with my heart and break me down. It would take quite some time for you to earn my trust back I had warned her that she was lucky that I didnt have my mothers temper, it could have been a completely different talk and she wouldnt be standing here with a smile on your face, she would probably be crying and avoiding me all over again, this time for the last time. I had ended it after that. The talk was over, it didnt go the way I had initially planned, and I knew that I would regret one day for not doing it the way I had planned. I just couldnt do it, I was too sympathetic and that was the problem, but now the tables had turned, if she did value our friendship then it meant she would have to make an effort now, I wasnt going to. I didnt care if the friendship went nowhere from there, I was happy that I finally had the talk and that I could finally just move on and get on with my life, instead of worrying about her dismal crap. 33

Chapter XVI: The Finishing Touches

I was trying so hard to become one of her closest friends, and for a while I thought that would be true. Then out of nowhere she had all of a sudden just stopped caring, she tried not to show it but it was there, she had just stopped replying to my messages had stopped talking to me on occasion and when I was talking to her she used to give me her undivided attention but now when someone started talking while I was all of her attention went to the other person. I was now known as the person who would buy her lunch or help her with her work, I was no longer the close friend. I had finally accepted the fact she stopped caring a long time ago and that it was my turn to do the same. If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they dont, they never were. I had learnt a great deal from that chapter in my life, moving on is difficult, but everyone must go through it one day in their life. That is something I will never forget and I will one day look back on it and say I wouldnt be who I am today, if I didnt go through that situation. I had also learnt some things on friendship, it isnt who comes or who goes, nor is it about who you have known longer it is about those who choose to stay. A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go. If I could go back to the very start, back to May 13th and redo the entire day, I wouldnt have changed a thing. But if I could go back to the time where she had jumped into the first relationship after me, I would have walked away. I would have forgotten her, and I would have probably left her with a couple of bad words. It wouldnt have been because I was a bad person; it would have been for my own good, avoiding all of the pain she was going to put me through. We were just two different people living in the same world, trying to get by as best as we could, we both had questions in life that would probably never be answered, but they would always be there. I dont know whether or not we will ever be as close friends as before or even a couple again, and I dont know if the decisions I made were the right ones. All I do know is that this chapter in my life had to happen, and it was better off that it happened earlier in my life than later. That the perfect girl is just waiting around the corner; I just have to stay open minded and patient. Everything happens for a reason. People change so that we can learn to let go, things go wrong so that we can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

34

Chapter XVII: The Apology

Now for this next chapter to make sense you would have to know that I was making an Autobiography, this one to be exact. I had started making this Autobiography September 23 rd of 2011. The autobiography was originally intended for an assignment in English; however it soon became my own little project. It allowed me to get a lot of bottled up emotions that I was feeling out on paper, it was very cleansing and helped with this situation a lot. The autobiography was a success the teacher loved it and even some of my friends who proof read it, loved it. Though no names were mentioned, a lot of people knew who I was talking about, and now they knew exactly how it made me feel. I had made many copies and handed it out to a lot of my friends and those who were interested, however she had gotten a copy off of a friend, this was one week after I had talked to her, she was hell bent on getting our friendship back together, which was good. She had gotten a copy and read some of it during a lesson; she had then confronted me during horticulture. She had said that she didnt know my autobiography was about her, I had corrected her, saying that I had told her it was about her weeks ago. She had then said that a lot of her friends had read it, those werent my friends so I was surprised to hear that other people were reading it as well. She had asked me for a copy and I had agreed, but I warned her, apologising to her in advance for anything that may offend her. The autobiography was never intended for her eyes, so I was a little hesitant to hand her a copy. She had taken it home that afternoon, and read it over the weekend. We were talking again over the phone through, trying to re-establish our broken friendship. I asked her over the weekend if she had read it and she said that she hadnt, she was busy and also sick. During school on Monday, I had run into her at tuckshop, smacking the back of her bag, I was surprised for her to yelp, she had dropped something on her leg during Art and the sudden surprise and impact of the smacking had hurt her leg, which I quickly apologised for. While waiting in line she was telling me how she had finished reading it, and I once again apologised for anything that she found offensive. She said that was alright, but she wanted to talk when we got back to the group, I was surprised for once she wanted to talk to me, it wasnt the other way around, I told her sure and that I would love that. Whatever she had to say, it must have been important. When we had gotten our lunch and walked back to the group I suggested we go sit down over at the small tree in the shade, she had agreed. When we sat down, I asked her what this talk was going to be about. She had told me that she wanted to apologise, to my surprise I had asked what for? She said that she stayed up till two in the morning writing up a two page apology in response to my Autobiography. This was most unexpected, for the entire weekend I spent my time thinking that her reading the autobiography would have a negative effect on our friendship, instead it opened her eyes. As she pulled out the two pages that were all folded up, she asked if it would be easier for her to read it out aloud or for me just to read it in my own time. I had told her that it would be better off if she read it, that way the apology sounded more sincere. The apology was very well written and quite emotional, it sounded very sincere, and it basically had stated that she was sorry for making me feel bad and how she was immature and selfish and knew that the whole situation was all her fault. After that, we just sat there and talked, getting all of our emotions out, she was consistently coaxing me towards saying something. She was asking if my feelings were still the same, I had asked her what she meant, she said the ones in my autobiography, which I had replied which ones, I had stated a lot of feelings in the autobiography. She had replied Youre smart; you figure it out at which time I had looked over to her and said you mean the feelings towards you? She had nodded. 35

I didnt know how to answer that, I honestly didnt know anymore, but I said I guess. They may always be there. It would have been more beneficial to say, no or I did not know. Why was she asking? What was she up to? I didnt know and didnt care enough to ask. After quite some talking again, I wanted her to answer one question, why did she keep saying she liked me and then go out with other people? She had replied that maybe she did still like me. That was odd, still? What did she mean by that? I asked her, Do you still have feelings for me? she had nodded, that was a huge surprise, not even a month ago she was telling me that she didnt have feelings for me and now she does? What the hell? What the fuck was she trying to do, she had just read my Autobiography she knows how bad she made me feel and now she does this? What the fuck. The very second I come off the menu, I become desirable? I asked her if she was being completely truthful, she nodded again. Did she really? She added that she was going to finally take a break off of dating and that she had been single for almost two days, no surprise, give her about a month and that will change. She said she wanted to have another relationship with me, but she wasnt too sure when, she said that if she had to take a guess she would think sometime mid next year. It was a promise I knew she couldnt keep. She had already made this promise once before, and I believed her, I trusted her to keep it. With a snap of her fingers it was broken with no second thoughts. Why was this situation going to be different, the venue was the same, she was the same, nothing had changed since last time. Except this time I knew it was going to happen, I could prepare for the inevitable, not like last time where I was lingering on every moment that she would come back following the false hope of her returning to me. I was different and she was the same she was five months ago. But at the same time there was a thought running through my head. If she had read my autobiography, if she had finally understood what she had done to me, and if she really did want our friendship back on track; Why would she say she still had feelings for me?

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Chapter XVIII: The Dj vu

It didnt make much sense to me. Why would she risk it all over again, why would she purposely do the same thing again with full knowledge that it could potentially destroy the friendship. It didnt make sense, but I wasnt in the right mind to try and decipher her crazy ways. Girls were different, a great friend of mine once told me. Doyle, girls dont make sense, they dont think like us, thats why I think they come from a different planet. He was a great guy, with a terrific sense of humour, but he was right. Not about them being from a different planet, that they dont make sense. They really didnt think like us guys, if they did, life would be a lot easier, and I doubt I would be making this autobiography right now. Then again, the way I was thinking at this point didnt make much sense either. I was falling for her again. The frigging fool I was, falling for her again. She had already destroyed the greatest year of my life, and now she comes back to me and tells me that she has feelings for me. Instead of telling her off, I accept the fact and fall straight back into her twisted games. She had full control again, but I wasnt going to allow her to think that, I had to start being tough on her, not so tough that she thinks I am a prick, the kind that keeps her in line the very second she starts to step over. She had my trust back, which she didnt deserve and I wasnt going to allow her to know it either. From then on, anything she said that I disagreed in the slightest I would protest against. This was to show her that I was in control, not her, that I was pulling the strings, however in reality she was still the puppet master. She just didnt know it. I was even lying to my friends and family, telling them that I was allowing her to try and get our friendship back and that I didnt want anything more from it. I was even telling them how she had told me that she still had feelings for me, but I wasnt stupid and I wasnt going to fall for it again. That was not true; I was falling for it again. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, I was taught to fight for what you wanted, and she truly was what I wanted more than anything else. If there was even the smallest chance that she would take me back, I was willing to take that, at all costs, no matter what the risk was. If she was being sincere about the promise, I was willing to wait as long as it took, she was worth it. She was damn as hell worth it; I would have gone around the world on foot, just for a chance to be with her again. I knew saying that was stupid, that after what she did to me, I shouldnt be thinking that way, but I was, I was in love and it was consuming my every thought. Its funny; it takes weeks, maybe even years to move on from someone, but only a second to dive back into it. I hadnt forgotten what she had done to me. No way had I forgotten that, but if she was being truthful then she deserved to be forgiven, however if she wasnt then I knew what to do. If she was once again taking me for a spin and deciding that she wanted to destroy me emotionally again then I wasnt going to sit there and take that. She would get exactly what was on my mind. There was no way I was going to allow her to do it again and get away with it.

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Chapter XIX: The Friendship

At the time of this, I was still at the other group. I was getting to know them more, and it was going well. I was getting along really well at this point; I was consistently talking and making jokes. At the same time school was coming to an end, the final weeks were closing in, and in a weeks time I was planning on going back to the other group. I wasnt too sure if that was a good idea, she was there and I knew I was losing control again, I was deciding between staying and going back. I had promised some people that I would be back in the fifth week of the term, and I stuck by that. Our friendship was going at a slow pace; it was going nowhere and fast. She wasnt putting in an effort, when she had promised that she would make an effort, she wasnt. And I again was to take control, but it would make me vulnerable again, she would assume that she was in control again, I didnt want that. I had no choice, three weeks until school ended and we would never see each other again unless I did something quick. If I was to sit back and wait for her to make an effort, we would never talk again, and the chances of rekindling our past relationship would definitely plummet. Then on I was putting effort in, I was the one making the plans. I had told her that if she wanted the friendship to work out she had to start making an effort. Though that didnt work out, I dont think she actually understood how much I wanted this friendship to work out, but at the same time how easy it could be destroyed. I put my best foot forward; started offering to buy her lunch again, see if that got her to put in some effort, it did, but it was very minimal. Slowly but surely she was putting in some effort, texting me often and actually talking to me at lunches. It was much, but it was something, which was better than nothing. I really wanted this friendship to work out, it was very important to me; to lose her would have killed me. She and another girl were the most important girls to me in my life, losing her would mean that I had lost both of them, and I didnt want to lose her, like I had lost the other. We were talking on occasion, though she was getting sick of the one on one talks we had, I wasnt, it was the only time I could sit down and talk to her face to face. Otherwise, I had to sit there in the group and talk over others, and having the inability to have any private talking. At the group there was always someone who wanted to talk to her, always that one person who would beat me to her and not allow me to talk to her. On occasion it was that guy, however at the time he was starting to get jealous because me and her were talking again and he did not like that one bit. To him I was competition, he was afraid that I would steal her away from him. He was taking it personal, and starting to make it very difficult for me to talk to her. Always snooping around and always butting in and talking over me while I am having a one on one conversation with her. That was until he screwed up. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, it was a matter of time. One Saturday night, she was to go over to a party, for a few drinks and hang out with friends, he had tagged along. Now I wasnt there, some of the detail may not be accurate. He had been drinking that night; apparently he had quite a number of shots within five minutes, which had obviously made him drunk considerately quickly. During his drunken incoherent ordeal he was announcing his love for her, but not in any ordinary way. He was very violent about it, with her promises of never being with a person who is violent; she had rejected him, at which point had worsened the situation, and he had continued his violence and was inclined to annoy her for the rest of the night. She had asked him to stop many times, but he had continued on, announcing his love and being violent all around. He had also request that she would sleep with him, at which once again she had denied, and decided to leave his pass out body in the bathroom, and slept in a friends double bed. I had found that out 40

from her friend the morning after, I had asked how last night was and she told me it was different. I asked why that was and that is basically the response I got. Monday had come along and she was different, it was the change in facial expression, and general body language. At lunch I had caught up to her as she was walking to the library, I asked what was wrong. She had replied it was about Saturday night, I asked what happened; of course I already knew I was testing her, trying to find out whether or not she would tell me. She had told me that she was not going to tell me because she was afraid it would make me jealous. Now I was confused, did her friend tell me the right facts? I played along with it, trying to force the information out of her. She was being stubborn telling me I was better off not knowing and that she was not going to tell me, but I should ask her friend if I wanted to know. I told her I wouldnt that I trusted her, that if she thought I was better off not knowing then I wasnt going ask anyone. Throughout the week I played the pretend I know nothing game. It had worked I was sure I was convincing her that I had no knowledge of what had happened. Though it was still getting me nowhere she still wasnt going to tell me. That was until she had done something I did not expect. One Wednesday night, I was surfing Facebook aimlessly, just looking at statuses, the same old. Yet for some odd reason my instincts were telling me to visit her Facebook, now I hadnt visited her Facebook in over a month, I didnt want to. But curiosity got the best of me, much to my surprise I had quickly back pedalled, and stared in awe. I couldnt believe my eyes. Her relationship status had changed once again, it had read in a relationship that was it, she had to me again. First opinions were that she had lied, and I was fine with that. It meant I knew what I had to do, however towards an hour after it had sunk in, the sudden realisation of what she had done had hit me. I was infuriated, bling with rage. Of course I wasnt the type of person to chuck a tantrum and start smashing things; instead it was cussing and yelling at anyone who was willing to listen to my meaningless babbling. Towards midnight I was at the point of ripping her head off, and I was going to do it too. I was thinking maybe if I go to sleep I will wake up better, I didnt. When I had awoke the very next morning I was just as pissed off, and had my sights set on destroying her. I had one goal and one goal only, that was to tell her to get the hell out of my life, leave me alone and never come back. However, that was not the case, during a Horticulture lesson I had told someone my plans and they had told me that she might have made it in a relationship so that it would throw off the guy. That was a good thought, it had me thinking. If that is the reason, then I have no reason to be angry, but if it wasnt then I was going to tear her head off. At second break I had cut her off, with my sights set on destroying her, but instead of starting it off in a blinding rage. I had asked her if she knew why I was pissed off. She had replied she didnt know and when I told her, her eyes had widened and she had quickly replied with that it was to throw the guy off and that she really wasnt in a relationship. This was good and bad news, good news that she hadnt lied to me, bad news that the anger was to once again be bottled away. I had told her that I thought she was in a relationship and that she had lied to me; she said she was sorry for making me think that. I told her next time you should tell me. She said she would from now on. From there she was explaining the latest news on the guy and her; he had stepped up his obsession. We had the next class together, and throughout it she was getting constant texts from him. The texts were about how he loved her and wanted to be with her, basically she was telling him she did not want to be with him, but he was not taking no for an answer.

41

The story is getting very difficult to tell, at this point there are four things going on. Trying to earn our friendship back, her being abused by the guy, her ex trying to win her back, and me trying to control the situation between her and the guy. It was getting way too complicated for me, I was about to graduate. Instead of trying to enjoy my last few weeks of school, I was too busy being stressed out by her and all the little situations that followed it. I was losing my mind, I couldnt handle it anymore, and I just wished that it was simple, that we never broke up. That we were still together, instead of worrying about all this I was helping in organising the road trip down to New Castle with her and the other couple. But it wasnt and I was left to pick up all the little pieces, she wasnt making it easier for me instead she was making it harder and more stressful. The situation between her and the guy was getting hectic, and her ex who was at the time trying to get back with her, was trying to defend her, it wasnt necessary. It was between her and the guy, the ex was just making matters worse, trying to pick a fight with him, and she was just as bad, purposely trying to make the guy jealous. That was the one thing I could not stand, that was where I drew the line. I hated the guy, but what they were doing to him I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy it was cruel and damn insane. I had to step in, trying to explain how this could go bad, and end up causing more harm than good. She had stopped and the ex had stopped shortly after. But I was still no good, what they had done to him already was enough to send anyone insane. I knew what it felt like; it was no walk in the park. Jealousy was a strong thing and could drive anyone mad, you have no control over it. It just happens.

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Chapter XX: The Sea

She had told me the second last Thursday of the term as I was walking her to her bike that she didnt want anyone to know about the end of the year, what she was planning on doing. Though I had agreed, thoughts of that Monday during our relationship had rushed back, it was rational to not tell anyone else, but at the same time it just felt too familiar. That was it again; a part of me knew she wasnt going to come back to me after that, the other held onto faith. It was better to have faith than to see the truth, faith made me happy, the truth was all but too heart wrenching. I had gotten a message from her one Sunday night. I wasnt expecting it, but when I read it I was surprised. She had told me that she did not want to date me anymore, that she was afraid that she was going to hurt me again. It didnt make any sense, sure I respect that she cared enough to say that, but at the same time it left me thinking that it was another lie. I tried to force a smile after reading the message, it left me both relieved and disappointed at the same time. I was hoping that this time she would really come back, though part of me already knew it was going to happen, I was disappointed that I was right all along. There was no way she could possible hurt me again, after what she had done to me, the very second that she showed any sign of hurting me, my bullshit meter would go off and I would go into the defensive. It was a smart lie, got to give her credit for thinking of it. She thought she was so smart, coming up with that excuse. But I knew the truth; she had always treated me as a backup option. She had dated me for a short time, but afterwards told me that she was just taking a break off of dating and that at the end of the year we would be back together. That was exhibit a, she had said that so that if during the year if she did not anyone else, I would still be there. She did find someone else, the first of many, which she soon found out was not the one for her. So she decided to play her cards right, telling me that she still had feelings for me. Once again it was the backup option, being the idiot I was I played along. She once again found someone else, only to find that it was never bound to be, Dj vu, she hits me with the same crap, telling me she still has feelings for me, and finds another, only to once more, that she had found another one that was not for her. She was looking for options, but she had lost me. She had finally run out of options and had no one else to cling onto, thats when she read my autobiography, and she knew me too well. She knew that I was kind hearted and easy to forgive. She decides to make the apology making it sound good, now she writes it down. She says its her bad memory and wanted to remember it. But in reality it was probably just so that I believed it, if the apology was real, it would have come from the heart, and there would be no need to write it down. But that wasnt the case, she had written it, and she had to read from it to remember what she wanted to say. I know I may be paranoid, but after what she had done to me, it was a possibility. I was basically putting all the evidence together; she had apologised to me and wanted our friendship back. She had jumped the gun and told me she had feelings for me; in an attempt to suck me back in, it worked. I was the fool who just couldnt learn his lesson; I was like a rat in a maze that consistently pressed the pleasure button until I had dropped dead, instead of hunting down the cheese and finishing the maze, being praised for continuing on in my life. She had changed her relationship status to in a relationship not only to make the guy jealous but also to be prepared for when she was in one, which wouldnt be too far off. She was hanging out with her ex more not only to make the guy jealous but also because she was developing feelings for him, finally she told me she didnt want to date me anymore because she was planning on going out with her ex again. I was the backup option. 43

Yes, I loved her, but she was hurting me, in more ways than one. I had to finally realise that she was bad for me; it was time to take my own advice. The most important decisions in life are the hardest to make. There was a fine line between what was important to a personal belief, compared to what is important in the terms of your own well-being. Sure, I loved her and yes I would give her another chance in a heartbeat, but that was problem, I was choosing self-satisfaction over what was beneficial for my own emotional stability. If I was to make a right decision it would be to take the chance to move on from her. Another way to put it is, It is easy to follow your heart but it is difficult to follow your brain. Following your heart can get you into some serious trouble, especially when your brain is already warning you, sure follow your heart but be smart about it. She had told me numerous times over our small talks, that I just have to find the one that likes me for me, and at the time I thought it would be her. I dont think we ever argued before, we always got along, we always had fun. There wasnt one dull moment from her that I could possibly remember. The way she made me feel whenever I was around her, felt like none other. There were a lot of fish in the sea, but really I wanted her to be my Nemo. She was the one person for the first time that I could see the rest of my life with. But the sad truth was that she just didnt see it the same way, and she may never see it that way, thats life, its a bitch.

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Chapter XXI: The Good-Bye

The end of the year was closing in fast. During the graduation breakfast I just couldnt get into the mood, this whole situation was clouding my mind. She had ruined everything for me, no; I had ruined everything for me. I couldnt blame her; I put myself into this situation, I fucked up and I was being punished accordingly. I was seated beside her ex and he was talking about how his plans for that night were ruined, he was planning on asking her out that night, but she had found out the night before. Though she already knew, she told me the Wednesday before that she knew he was going ask her out again, she would say no. Though, what he had told me that day was that after she found out she told him no. But added that he should try again in January, I had thanked him for letting me know, he had asked why, I had quickly told him that I was chasing her. He looked back down to the table with a slow and surprising oh and a look of guilt on his face, I had reassured him with a pat on the shoulder and encouraged him to chase after her. What she didnt tell me and I dont blame her for it was that she did have feelings for him, she just wanted to prove me wrong, that she could stay single for a few months. In reality she had nothing to prove, I had given up on her a while back, and I was just too exhausted to care. He had told me that she said no, but she told him to try again in January or February. That proved it, I was the backup, I was just sitting on the sidelines until she had found someone else, and the problem was that she had chosen her other ex over me. I couldnt complain if I was to complain that would make me a hypocrite, I was her ex too. It was over for me, I was sick of being pushed around by her; from May 29th all I was doing was running back and forth being toyed with. I had a gut full of it. I was not a backup option, she had to either choose me or lose me. I wont bother going into detail about the after party. It was an enjoyable night, had a few drinks. One of the best nights out with mates I had in quite a long time, except for a very small issue between her and the ex. I will not go into detail; it was a very small issue that I had endured, with help of a small distraction of helping a mate out who was blind drunk. Though what had happened that night had further pushed me to my final decision. I had told her that after school I would stop talking to her for an extended period of time, this was to move on from her and just recover. But I was thinking it through thoroughly and I was actually deciding to just never talk to her again, that maybe even after all that time it was just better off removing her from my life completely. I wasnt too sure; I still wanted to keep the option there, just in case over time I had changed my mind. I did want her back that was a given, it was as clear as the bright blue skies. But I really doubted she would ever come back and instead of worrying about and lingering on the hope I was just better off moving on, meeting new people. I never knew what the future may hold. Until then I was to move on, and stop worrying about it. I thought she was the perfect girl for me, I really did believe that, but in reality she wasnt. The girl would have actually liked me for me, wouldnt have put me through all of this, one who even if she did put me through this would come back in a heartbeat and was willing to give it another go. She wasnt like that, she didnt like me enough to come back, and it was that sudden realisation that made the decision to move on so much easier. This time the moving on would be much easier. School was over and there was no chance of us ever seeing each other, it wasnt like when I was at school, seeing her every day. It gave me the space from her I needed to successfully forget about her. There were some problems such as social networks which included Facebook; the main concern was that even when she was offline her name appeared on the right in my friends tab. It was as if Facebook was doing it on purpose to annoy me. 45

The next decision was easy, I had removed my username and password from my history, this was so it did not save my username and password, and the next was to block Facebook. From now on Facebook would come up blocked, very much like at school, only on my laptop. This had removed the need to hop on Facebook. From then on it became easier, there were no reminders of her, except for occasional people who asked me how it was going with the situation. I had told them that it was finally over and that I am now recovering. Those were the only reminders of her. That was until about two months after school. I was beginning to have dreams about her every night. It was odd, every night was the same dream; I am sitting at a table. The table is an exact replica of the one at the group during school, the surroundings are the same as school, students walking around, and the group down in the old green zone, all of it was the same. The table I was sitting at was crowded, completely full of people; the weird thing is that everyone there I didnt know, none of them. Except her, she was sitting across from me. From the start of the dream I was staring down at the table, scratching at the paint. Everyone was talking having their own conversations, very noisy. I was the only one who wasnt talking, at least that is I believe until I look up at her and see that she is staring straight at me, those brown eyes piercing straight through me. The weird thing was that even after two months my dream had her in full detail. From her freckles down to the tiniest hairs on her face. Everything was so vivid, could have sworn it was all real, only to wake once more and realise that it was all but a dream. This made no sense to me, every morning I would wake, trying to figure out what was going on. I believed that dreams had a meaning, dreams are your subconscious projecting emotions, but I was determined to put these aside. These meant nothing and I was hell-bent on leaving it at that. The dreams had continued for another week, until they had suddenly just disappeared. So did the thought of her. From three months on, I did not think of her whatsoever, she was finally off my mind. Not completely, the occasional thought whenever I listened to a specific song, or visited a website such as Facebook seeing her name or even the occasional mention of her name had brought back haunting memories. For once in my life, I was afraid, not with rational fears such as death, or losing a family member, instead I was afraid of my feelings. My entire life I held onto the belief that who cant control your feelings; who you like is who you like and there are no ways of controlling it. Instead of facing my fears like so many suggest I thought it was best just to push it aside, stop listening to those songs, and keep my distance from websites and places that reminded me of her. I wasnt going to contact her, that would be stupid of me, I had moved on, but no completely. Last thing I wanted was a repeat of last time; thinking that I had moved on then talk to her again and the old feelings flush back, I had to make sure it was finally over. Learn from my mistakes.

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Chapter XXII: The End

A basic principle of decision making is that you don't make decisions because they are easy; you don't make them because they are cheap; you don't make them because they're popular; you make them because they're right. Every decision I made were the correct ones. No decision is wrong; there are just ones that are better than others. The decisions I had made were the right ones for me to learn from, they were required for me to learn. I had learnt a great deal from all of this, a greater amount than I had ever imagined. I am actually quite grateful that this situation had come about, with the experience and knowledge of what had happened during 2011 will help me make better decisions when it comes to relationships, a wise man once told me You cannot fully love someone until you have had your heartbroken. To love is to risk it all, and if you have had your heartbroken you know the risk you are willing to take, so when you have decided that you are willing to give someone your all even when you know the pain of heartbreak, you truly love that person. A lot of people mistake their feelings for love, I was one of those, I was so nave thinking that it would never happen to me, it did, but I am not ashamed that I was caught off guard instead I am grateful. I found that this situation had not only helped me see clearly and realise that not everyone is not who they seem, but this situation has also allowed me to help those in very similar situations, I had already began helping a close friend out by the end of 2011, he was going through a very similar situation. He had been chasing this one girl for nearly a year, she was not interested, jumping from relationship to relationship, sound familiar? I had told him that he should stop pursuing her, she wasnt worth it; she was also taking advantage to his kindness. He would buy her lunch every day and get her what she wanted and she took advantage of it. He couldnt say no to her, I had told him to start practicing at saying no to her, I went through the same situation, and when he had insisted that I had no idea on what was going on, I had spent the next few hours telling him every last detail of my past experience, and it was an eye opener for him. And for the next half hour I had shown him all the evidence and justification on why he should cease to pursue her. He may or may not have followed my advice, but the feeling I got after trying to help him felt so great, using my past experience to help another was a good feeling, but the real kicker was that during and after the advice I had given it had helped me realise some things about her that I didnt catch onto at first, that only after some deep thought and re-evaluation that it was apparent. One of the biggest differences I had noticed was the transition from when the relationship had begun to the end; after it ended there was a big change in her attitude. She wasnt the same, and from that moment that I realised, it had started a huge domino effect, from May 30th to November 18th it was apparent that she had gotten worse and worse as time went on, towards me she still had good intensions but her actions would prove the opposite, and I am ashamed to have taken this long to realise it, she wasnt the same person I had fallen for all that time ago. My plan was now to start 2012 a new. Start over and start making the right decisions from the start, I would go into 2012 with the knowledge and experience that I had developed over the years to create a happier and more successful life for myself. Set life goals and objectives, get a job, look out for a first home, and develop a healthy relationship, slowly not rushed and with a reliable and mature person. It was the only thing I could do, plan for the future and forget about the past. Looking back on this situation though, I start to realise all the few things I could have done, and should have done, I even begin to realise that the way I handled it was quite silly, but thankfully it is a mistake I wont make twice. I now realise that sometimes people arent as they seem, and following your instincts is 47

sometimes the better option no matter what others say. She turned out to be the exact type of person I believed her to be the very second I met her. They say dont judge a book by its cover, I agree with that, but in this case it was probably the better option to do so. To be honest I dont even know why I dated her. All this time the question was Why did she break up with me? when I should have been asking Why did I ask her out? Sure, we had a lot of interests that were similar, we got along, but we were nothing alike. We were just too different, I was mature, and I knew where I was going in life. She was still a child, lived by the day, no regrets, no planning. Always willing to try new things without second thought because her friends done it. Me, I was the type to think everything through, knowing that every action had an equal or greater reaction. Thats how I lived my life and thats how I planned to live the rest of it.

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