Assertiveness You Will Learn How To

Demonstrate and model assertive behavior for win-win outcomes Gain self-awareness of your attitudes, behavior patterns and habits Develop a positive, proactive response to difficult behaviors in others Exhibit confidence in your ability to address challenging situations Enhance your skill set using proven tools, tactics and techniques Generate the results you want when dealing with others

Course Benefits Professionals at all levels need the ability to project their thoughts and ideas with an assertive communication style. The skill of expressing opinions confidently and clearly is critical. In this course, you gain the knowledge and skills to proactively and effectively apply appropriate levels of assertiveness in a professional environment. You also design a personalized action plan to further develop your assertiveness skills for use back at work. Who Should Attend Anyone interested in building effective and assertive communication skills, including business, nonprofit, government and educational professionals, team and project leaders. RealityPlus Experiential activities, including real-playing and role-playing, allow you to simulate realworld situations and practice the skills and techniques presented throughout the course. Activities include:

Practicing assertive communication Exhibiting confident body language Developing assertive characteristics Modeling assertive behavior options Assertively managing real-world pressures and demands Profiling your conflict handling style Applying assertiveness techniques Responding proactively to common challenges Planning successful outcomes Giving and receiving structured feedback

Course 244 Content

Introduction

Identifying goals and themes The power of self-awareness Establishing the value of mutual benefit

Assertiveness Essentials
Recognizing modes of interactive behavior

Considering critical attributes of assertive behavior Identifying characteristics of nonassertive behavior Acknowledging areas of personal vulnerability and opportunity Responding appropriately to manipulation or bullying

Contextual and situational considerations

Asserting 360 degrees: Peers, direct-reports, bosses and vendors Assessing the impact of organizational culture Accommodating intercultural norms Navigating power relationships within the organization

Expressing Personal Power

Pinpointing patterns of behavior

Raising self-awareness The role of personal history Exploring how identity, fear and habits impact results Creating new personal effectiveness

Mapping how people handle conflict

Enhancing your ability to respond to conflict Recognizing your conflict style as a factor in assertiveness Responding differently to different situations Considering the role of Emotional and Social Intelligence

Overcoming Challenging Situations

Applying viable assertiveness techniques

Deciding which situations call for assertiveness Witnessing the dynamics of constructive and destructive interactions

Adopting effective assertiveness strategies

Developing options to respond productively Identifying your assertiveness style and adapting your approach Giving up blame and focusing on solutions Seeing the win-win potential of cooperation Finding the root cause through effective questioning

Building Your Assertiveness Skill Set

Committing to assertive and skillful outcomes

Developing powerful nonverbal communication Accepting responsibility for resolution Initiating improved communication Communicating clearly in complex situations Deflecting criticism and personal attacks

Developing the tools

The power of "I" statements Saying "no" productively Addressing difficult issues using the DESC approach Pushing through resistance Selecting the appropriate tools

Mastering Assertiveness
Establishing a proactive assertiveness style

Taking time to think clearly Modeling productive approaches Responding to everyday situations Giving and receiving feedback

Practicing effective assertiveness principles

Leveraging a four-step process model Accurately assessing your situation Targeting desired outcomes Measuring results

Launching Your Assertiveness Plan

Constructing an assertiveness action plan

Adopting an attitude of responsibility and mutual respect Committing to timelines and outcomes Prioritizing changes in assertive behavior

Putting the "action" into the assertiveness action plan

Constructing a blueprint for your action plan Applying best practices under pressure Reinforcing your newly developed assertiveness skills for long-term value

Scheduling time to assess progress Practicing assertive behaviors Modifying your action plan to accommodate change

Programme Topics

What is assertive behaviour Benefits of assertiveness (for you and your organisation) Recognise aggression, indirect aggression and submissive behaviours Identify how best to deal with different behaviour styles Rational and irrational thoughts Saying no assertively and sticking to it! Responding to criticism Rights & beliefs Developing assertiveness skills to give feedback Demonstrating being assertive Action plan for the future

Assertiveness

Working with People; Not Against Them

Stand firm when you need to. iStockphoto/JayKay57 Do you consider yourself to be assertive? And what does being assertive mean to you? Does it mean exercising your rights all the time, every time? Or does it mean knowing when to let someone else or some other cause or outcome take precedence over your rights?

For example, is the boss who places a pile of work on an employee's desk the afternoon before that employee goes on vacation, being assertive? Or, is the employee who is about to go on vacation being assertive when she tells the boss that the work will be done upon her return? It's not always easy to identify truly assertive behavior. This is because there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggression. So, some definitions are helpful when trying to separate the two: Assertiveness is based on balance - it requires being forthright about your wants and needs while still considering the rights, needs, and wants of others. When you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily get it. Aggressive behavior is based on winning - it requires that you do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs, feelings or desires of others. When you are aggressive, you take what you want regardless, and you don't usually ask. So, that boss was being aggressive. Yes, he had work that needed to be done. However, by dumping it on his employee at such an inappropriate time, he showed a total lack of regard for the needs and feeling of his employee. The employee on the other hand, demonstrated assertive behavior when she informed her boss that the work would be done, but it would be done after she returned from vacation. She asserted her rights while recognizing her boss' need to get the job done. Assertiveness is not necessarily easy, but it is a skill that can be learned. Developing your assertiveness starts with a good understanding of who you are and a belief in the value you bring. When you have that, you have the basis of self-confidence. Assertiveness helps to build on that self-confidence and provides many other benefits for improving your relationships at work and in other areas of your life as well. In general, assertive people:

Get to "win-win" more easily they see the value in their opponent and in his/her position, and can quickly find common ground. Are better problem solvers they feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution. Are less stressed they know they have personal power and they don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or expected. Are doers they get things done because they know they can.

When you act assertively you act fairly and with empathy. The power you use comes from your self-assurance and not from intimidation or bullying. When you treat others with such fairness and respect, you get that same treatment in return. You are well liked and people see you as a leader and someone they want to work with.

Developing Your Assertiveness

Some people are naturally more assertive than others. If your disposition tends more towards being either passive or aggressive, you need to work on the following skills to develop your assertiveness.

Value yourself and your rights:

Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires are just as important as everyone else's. But remember they are not more important than anyone else's, either. Recognise your rights and protect them. Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times. Stop apologizing for everything.

Identify your needs and wants, and ask for them to be satisfied:

Don't wait for someone to recognize what you need (you might wait forever!) Understand that to perform to your full potential, your needs must be met. Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others' needs in the process.

Acknowledge that people are responsible for their own behavior:

Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for the how people react to your assertive statements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can only control yourself. As long as you are not violating someone else's needs, then you have the right to say or do what you want.

Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner:

Allow yourself to be angry, but always be respectful. Do say what's on your mind, but do it in a way that protects the other person's feelings. Control your emotions. Stand up for yourself and confront people who challenge you and/or your rights.

Receive criticism and compliments positively:

Accept compliments graciously. Allow yourself to make mistakes and ask for help. Accept feedback positively be prepared to say you don't agree but do not get defensive or angry.

Learn to say "No" when you need to. This is the granddaddy of assertiveness!

Know your limits and what will cause you to feel taken advantage of. Know that you can't do everything or please everyone and learn to be OK with that. Go with what is right for you. Suggest an alternative for a win-win solution.

Assertive Communication Techniques

There are a variety of ways to communicate assertively. By understanding how to be assertive, you can quickly adapt these techniques to any situation you are facing. I statements

Use "I want.", "I need." or "I feel." to convey basic assertions. I feel strongly that we need to bring in a third party to mediate this disagreement. Empathic Assertion First, recognize how the other person views the situation: I understand you are having trouble working with Arlene. Then, express what you need: ...however, this project needs to be completed by Friday. Let's all sit down and come up with a plan to get it done. Escalating Assertion This type of assertiveness is necessary when your first attempts are not successful in getting your needs met. The technique involves getting more and more firm as time goes on. It may end in you telling the person what you will do next if you do not receive satisfaction. Remember though, regardless of the consequences you give, you may not get what you want in the end. John, this is the third time this week I've had to speak to you about arriving late. If you are late one more time this month, I will activate the disciplinary process. Ask For More Time Sometimes, you just need to put off saying anything. You might be too emotional or you might really not know what you want. Be honest and tell the person you need a few minutes to compose your thoughts. Dave, your request has caught me off guard. I'll get back to you within the half hour. Change Your Verbs

Use 'won't' instead of can't' Use 'want' instead of 'need' Use 'choose to' instead of 'have to' Use 'could' instead of 'should'.

Broken Record Prepare ahead of time the message you want to convey: I cannot take on any more projects right now.

During the conversation, keep restating your message using the same language over and over again. Don't relent. Eventually the person is likely to realize that you really mean what you are saying. I would like you to work on the Clancy project. I cannot take on any more projects right now. I'll pay extra for you accommodating me. I cannot take on any more projects right now. Seriously, this is really important, my boss insists this gets done. I cannot take on any more projects right now. Will you do it as a personal favor? I'm sorry, I value our past relationship but I simply cannot take on any more projects right now.

Tip: Be careful with the broken record technique. If you use it to protect yourself from exploitation, that's good. However if you use it to bully someone into taking action that's against their interests, it's manipulative, dishonest and bad.

Scripting This technique involves preparing your responses using a four-pronged approach that describes:
1. The event: tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem. Jacob, the production costs this month are 23% higher than average. You didn't give me any indication of this, which meant that I was completely surprised by the news. 2. Your feelings: describe how you feel about express your emotions clearly. This frustrates me and makes me feel like you don't understand or appreciate how important financial controls are in the company. 3. Your needs: tell the other person what you need so they don't have to guess. I need you to be honest with me and let me know when we start going significantly over budget on anything. 4. The consequences: describe the positive outcome if you needs are fulfilled. I'm here to help you and support you in any way I can. If you trust me, then together we can turn this around.

Once you are clear about what you want to say and express, it is much easier to actually do it.

Key Points
Being assertive means knowing where the fine line is between assertion and aggression and balancing on it. It means having a strong sense of yourself and acknowledging that you deserve to get what you want. And it means standing up for yourself even in the most difficult situations. Assertiveness can be learned and developed, and although it won't happen overnight, by practicing the techniques presented here you will slowly become more confident in expressing your needs and wants. As your assertiveness improves, so will your productivity and efficiency. Start today and begin to see how being assertive allows you to work with people to accomplish tasks, solve problems, and reach solutions.
Assertiveness Skills

What is the Art of Saying No It's not Assertiveness Not Nice - Not Nasty Managing Feelings Saying No The Nice Factor Book Change Yourself to Change Others

What exactly is The Art of Saying No?

A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel pressurised when someone senior to them needs something done. There are even some work places where saying no is definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police force, could be a sackable or disciplinary offence. After having worked for some time with people where saying no either feels impossible or just isn't allowed, we created a body of work to address it. In some cases it is indeed, how to say no without ever saying the word. Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is a necessity. But in our experience, there is so much anxiety around the possible consequences of using it, that people don't say anything at all, or agree to things they'd rather not, or get landed with work that isn't theirs and so on. That can't be good for anyone, but especially the person who finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their own work done after they've finished everyone else's; or who swallows their resentment when they are 'volunteered' for something they don't want to do; or who quakes at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they manage.

This is one issue we have felt so passionately about that we even wrote a book that deals with it: The Nice Factor Book (Are you too Nice for your own good?) This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book, which is about how to say no in a way that's manageable, deals with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun. For a more in-depth look, do have a peek at the book.
It's Not Assertiveness

Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and assertiveness training. The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of the same. Well, no it isn't, and here's why. We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. For instance, people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive, as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation. It isn't. If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate. So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate. Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do. Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around. There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. The first is that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed. The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.
Not Nice Not Nasty

This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. When, in fact, they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty). What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a broken record - all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own good. The concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your own way)

needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour. It can include humour, submission, irresponsibility, manipulation, playfulness, aggressiveness, etc. The key point here is that the behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty - is chosen. We emphasise the word key, because until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.

Managing Feelings

It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid. Once people do that, then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign that something new is happening. At this point people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening. The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don't like. They can choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. They then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have to be compliant or nice.) Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'. In fact, you ignore those feelings at your peril. Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every similar situation will be the same. It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour. Many people know what they could say; they know what they could do. Most 'unassertive' people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say 'yes', while their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here. Therefore, in looking at practising 'the art of saying no', it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn't about becoming more assertive; rather it's about changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances. While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight jacket of it's own (often creating resistance and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is choice in the matter. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality. If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb.

Saying No

Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say 'no'. If you're saying something serious, notice whether you smile or not. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of what you're saying. If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more in charge, stand up. This also works when you're on the phone. Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological advantage. If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they want, avoid encouraging body language, such as nods and ahas. Keep your body language as still as possible. Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested (such as, 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?' etc.) It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of, 'I'm really sorry; I'm going to interrupt you.' Then use whatever tool fits the situation. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they could get the impression you're interested and willing. All the while they get no message to the contrary, they will think you're on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever...) Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for something), let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you want. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help you out, but I just can't.' Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don't want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, 'I need to let everyone know right at the top, that I can't fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).' Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.

Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:

Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of them. The first house has a Yale lock on the front door. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler. Which would you burgle?

When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back. By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. You become more burglarproof.

Changing Others by Changing Yourself

A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with, or feel intimidated by, would change. Then everything would be all right. We've all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I wouldn't be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining about my work, I'd be much happier.' 'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want. It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives, or when we're feeling hard done by. If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. It's also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves. What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better at 'the art of saying no'; none of us has to change our whole personalities to create a more satisfying outcome! Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive no to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress. Difficulty: Average Time Required: Very Little Extra Time

Here's How:
1. When approaching someone about behavior youd like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what theyve done thats upset you, rather than labels or judgments. Heres an example: Situation: Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date. Inappropriate: "Youre so rude! Youre always late." Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now its 11:50." 2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Dont exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:

Inappropriate: Now lunch is ruined. Assertive Communication: Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm. 3. Use I Messages. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with You, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with I, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame. For example: You Message: You need to stop that! I Message: Id like it if youd stop that. 4. Heres a great formula that puts it all together: When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings]. When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example: When you yell, I feel attacked. 5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this: When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel]. Here are some examples: When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated. When you tell the kids they can do something that Ive already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.

Tips:
1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax. 2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone. 3. Dont assume you know what the other persons motives are, especially if you think theyre negative. 4. When in a discussion, dont forget to listen and ask questions! Its important to understand the other persons point of view as well. 5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.