1 MAN: I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant. It was a Horn and Hardert Cafeteria.

And this beautiful girl walked in, and I turned to Arthur and I said: "Arthur, you see that girl? Im going to marry her. And two weeks later, we were married. And it's over fifty years later,and we're still married. AMANDA - I love you. HARRY - I love you. AMANDA - Oh, Hi, Sally! Sally, this is Harry Burns. Harry, this is Sally Albright. HARRY - Nice to meet you. SALLY - You wanna drive the first shift? HARRY - No, youre there already. You can start. SALLY - Backs open. AMANDA - Call me! HARRY - Ill call you as soon as I get there. AMANDA - Oh, call me from the road. HARRY - Ill call you before that. 2 AMANDA - I love you. HARRY - I love you. SALLY - Sorry! HARRY - I miss you already. AMANDA - I miss you. HARRY - Huh? I miss you already. Bye. AMANDA - Bye. SALLY - I have it all figured out. It's an eighteen hour trip, which breaks down into six shifts of three hours each.Or alternatively we could break it down by mileage. There's a... there's a map on the uh... visor,that I've marked to show the locations where we can change shifts. HARRY - Grape? SALLY - No,I don't like to eat between meals. HARRY - I'll roll down the window. Why don't you tell me the story of your life? SALLY - The story of my life? HARRY - We got eighteen hours to kill before we hit New York. SALLY - The story of my life isn't even gonna get us out of Chicago! I mean, nothing's happened to me, yet. That's why I'm going to New York. HARRY - So something'll happen to you? SALLY - Yes. HARRY - Like what? SALLY - Like I'm going to journalism school to become a reporter. HARRY - So you can write about things that happen to other people. SALLY - That's one way to look at it. HARRY - Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you live there your whole life and nothing happens, you never meet anybody, you never become anything, and finally you die one o' those New York deaths where nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway. SALLY - Amanda mentioned you had a dark side. HARRY - That's what drew her to me. SALLY - Your dark side. HARRY - Sure.Why, don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dots their "i's" with little hearts. SALLY - I have just as much of a dark side as the next person. HARRY - Oh, really? When I buy new book, I always read the last page first.

That way, in case I die beforeI finish I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side. SALLY - That doesn't mean you're deep or anything. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person. HARRY - So am I. SALLY - And I don't see that there's anything wrong with that. HARRY Of course not. You're too busy being happy. You ever think about death? SALLY - Yes! HARRY - Sure you do. A fleeting thought that drifts inand out of the transom of your mind. I spend hours. I spend days. SALLY - And you think this makes you a better person? HARRY - Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not. That's all I'm saying. SALLY In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it. You're wrong. HARRY - I'm not wrong. He wants... SALLY - You're wrong. 3 HARRY - He wants her to leave. That's why he puts her on the plane. SALLY - I don't think she wants to stay! HARRY - Of course she wants to stay.Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy? SALLY - I don't wanna spend the rest of my life in Casablanca, married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don't. HARRY - You'd rather be in a passionless marriage... SALLY - And be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia. HARRY - than live with the man you've had the greatest sex of your life with just because he owns a bar and that is all he does. SALLY - Yes! And so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie. HARRY - I understand. SALLY - What? What? HARRY - Nothing. SALLY - What? HARRY - Forget about it. SALLY - What? What? Forget about what? HARRY - It's not important. SALLY - Now just tell me! HARRY - Obviously, you haven't had great sex, yet. Two, please. HOSTESS - Yeah, right over there. SALLY - Yes, I have. HARRY - No, you haven't. SALLY - It just so happens that I've had plenty of good sex. HARRY - With whom? SALLY - What? HARRY - With whom have you had this great sex? SALLY - I'm not gonna tell you that! HARRY - Fine. Don't tell me. SALLY - Shel Gordon. HARRY - Shel. Sheldon? No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.

SALLY - I did, too! HARRY - No, you didn't. SALLY - A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon is your man. But humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. "Do it to me, Sheldon. You're an animal,Sheldon. Ride me big, Sheldon." Doesn't work. WAITRESS - Hi. What can I get you? HARRY - I'll have the number three. SALLY - I'd like the Chef's Salad, please,with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie a la mode. WAITRESS - Chef and apple a la mode. SALLY - But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side,and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla, if you have it.If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it's real. If it's out of the can, then nothing. WAITRESS - Not even the pie? SALLY - No, just the pie, but then not heated. WAITRESS - Uh huh. SALLY - What? HARRY - Nothin'. Nothin'.So, how come you broke up with Sheldon? SALLY - How do you know we broke up? HARRY - Because if you didn't break up you wouldn't be here with me, you'd be off with Sheldon the Wonder Schlong. SALLY - First of all, I am not with you.And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up. HARRY You're right, you're right.I don't wanna know. SALLY - Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous and I had these "Days of the Week" underpants. HARRY - I'm sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this. "Days of the Week" underpants? SALLY - Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me: "You never wear Sunday". He's all suspicious. Where was Sunday, where had I left Sunday! And I told him and he didn't believe me. HARRY - What ? SALLY - They don't make Sunday. HARRY - Why not? 4 SALLY - Because of God. Okay, so fifteen per cent of my share is... six ninety. Leave seven. What? Do I have something on my face? HARRY - You're a very attractive person. SALLY - Thank you. HARRY - Amanda never said how attractive you were. SALLY - Well, maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive. HARRY - I don't think it's a matter of opinion. Empirically you are attractive. SALLY - Amanda is my friend. HARRY - So? SALLY - So you're going with her. HARRY - So? SALLY - So you're coming on to me. HARRY - No, I wasn't. What? Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a "come on"? All right, all right. Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on. What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, okay? I take it back.

SALLY - You can't take it back. HARRY - Why not? SALLY - Because it's already out there. HARRY - Oh, jeez, what're we supposed to do? Call the cops, it's already out there! SALLY - Just let it lie. Okay? HARRY - Great! Let it lie. That's my policy. That's what I always say. Let it lie. Wanna spend the night in a motel? See what I did? I didn't let it lie. SALLY - Harry. HARRY - I said I would and then I didn't. SALLY - Harry. HARRY - I went the other way. SALLY - Harry. HARRY - What? SALLY - We are just going to be friends, okay? 5 HARRY - Great. Friends. Its the best thing.You realize of course that we could never be friends. SALLY - Why not? HARRY - What I'm saying is, and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form, is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. SALLY - That's not true.I have a number of men friends, and there's no sex involved. HARRY - No, you don't. SALLY - Yes, I do. HARRY - No, you don't. SALLY - Yes, I do. HARRY - You only think you do. SALLY - You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? HARRY - No. What I'm saying is they all wanna have sex with you. SALLY - They do not. HARRY - Do, too. SALLY - They do not. HARRY - Do, too. SALLY - How do you know? HARRY - Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. SALLY - So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive. HARRY - No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too. SALLY - What if they don't wanna have sex with you ? HARRY - Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there.So the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. SALLY - Well, I guess we're not gonna be friends, then. HARRY - Guess not. SALLY - That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York. MUSIC - You say either and I say either, you say neither and I say neither. Either, either. Neither, neither. Let's call the whole thing off. You like potato and I like potahto. You like tomato and I like tomahto. Potato, potahto. Tomato, tomahto. Let's call the whole thing off. HARRY - Thanks for the ride. SALLY - Yeah, it was interesting. HARRY - It was nice knowing you. SALLY - Yeah. Well, have a nice life. HARRY - You, too.

MUSIC You like potato and I like potahto. You like tomato and I like tomahto. Potato, potahto. Tomato, tomahto. Let's call the whole thing off. OLD WOMAN - We fell in love in high school. OLD MAN - Yeah, we were high school sweethearts. OLD WOMAN - But then, after our junior year, his parents moved away. OLD MAN - But I never forgot her. OLD WOMAN - He never forgot me. OLD MAN - No, her face was burned on my brain. And it was thirty-four years later that I was walking down Broadway and I saw her coming out of Toffenetti's. OLD WOMAN - And we both looked at each other, and it was just as though not a single day had gone by. OLD MAN - She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen. OLD WOMAN - He was just the same. He looked exactly the same! FIVE YEARS LATER 6. MUSIC - It seems we stood and talked like this before. We looked at each other in the same way then. But I can't remember where or when. HARRY - Joe! I thought it was you. I thought it was you! Harry Burns. JOE - Harry, Harry. How ya doin'? HARRY - Good. How ya doin'? JOE - I'm just fine. I'm doin' fine. HARRY - Great. I was just walking by and I thought it was you and here it is, it's you. JOE - Yeah, yeah, it was. HARRY - You still with the D.A.'s office? JOE - No, I switched to the other side. What about you? HARRY - I'm working with this small firm, we do political consulting. JOE - Oh ! Yeah? HARRY - Yeah, it's been great. Yeah. JOE - Oh, Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns. Uh... Harry and I used to uh, we lived in the same building. HARRY - Yeah ! Well, listen I got a plane to catch, it was really good to see you, Joe. JOE - You too, Harry. HARRY - Bye. SALLY - Thank God he couldn't place me.I drove from college to New York with him five years ago and it was the longest night of my life. JOE - What happened? SALLY - He made a pass at me, and when I said no, he was going with a girlfriend of mine, uh,...Oh, God, I can't remember her name. Don't get involved with me,Joe, I am twenty-six years old and I can't even remember the name of the girl I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend. JOE - So, what happened? SALLY - When? JOE - When, when he made a pass at you, you said no,... SALLY - Oh, oh.I said we could just be friends. And this part I remember. He said that men and women could never really be friends. Do you think that's true? JOE - No. SALLY - Do you have any women friends? Just friends? JOE - No. But I will get one if it's important to you.

SALLY - Amanda Reese! That was her name. Thank God! JOE - I will miss you. I love you. SALLY - You do? JOE - Yes. SALLY - I love you. 7 STEWARDESS - And what would you like to drink? PASSENGER - Nothing, thanks. SALLY - Do you have any Bloody Mary mix? STEWARDESS - Yes. SALLY - No, wait.Here's what I want: regular tomato juice, filled about three quarters and add a splash of Bloody Mary mix, just a splash, and a little piece of lime, but on the side. HARRY - The University of Chicago, right? SALLY - Yes. HARRY - Did you look this good at the University of Chicago? SALLY - No. HARRY - Did we ever uh... SALLY - No. No! We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation. MALE PASSENGER - Would you two like to sit together? SALLY - No. HARRY - Great! Thank you. You were a good friend of um... SALLY - Amanda's.I can't believe you can't remember her name. HARRY - Whaddya mean, I can remember. Amanda, right? Amanda Rice. SALLY - Reese. HARRY - Reese, right. That's what I said. Whatever happened to her? SALLY - I have no idea. HARRY - You have no idea? You were really good friends with her.We didn't make it because you were such good friends. SALLY - You went with her. HARRY - And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend that you don't even keep in touch with? SALLY - Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice. HARRY - Fair enough. Fair enough.You were gonna be a gymnast. SALLY - A journalist. HARRY - Right, that's what I said. And? SALLY - I am a journalist, I work at The News. HARRY - Great. And you're with Joe.Well, that's great. Great. You're together, what, three weeks? SALLY - A month. How did you know that? HARRY - You take someone to the airport it's clearly the beginning of a relationship. That's why I' ve never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship. SALLY - Why? HARRY - Because,eventually things move on and you don't take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me: "How come you never take me to the airport anymore?". SALLY - It's amazing. You look like a normal person, but actually you are the Angel of Death. HARRY - Are you gonna marry him? SALLY - We've only know each other for a month, and besides, neither one of us is looking to get married right now. HARRY - I'm getting married. SALLY - You are?

HARRY - Um hmm. SALLY - You are? HARRY - Yeah. SALLY - Who is she? HARRY - Helen Hillson. She's a lawyer. She's keeping her name. SALLY - You're getting married. HARRY - Yeah. What's so funny about that? SALLY - Yes... No. It's just so optimistic of you, Harry. HARRY - Well, you'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you. SALLY - Well, it's wonderful,it's nice to see you embracing life in this manner. HARRY - Yeah, plus, you know you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing. SALLY - What whole thing? HARRY - The whole "life of a single guy" thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite... go back to her place, you have sex, and the minute you're finished,you know what goes through your mind? "How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home? Is thirty seconds enough?" SALLY - That's what you're thinking? Is that true? HARRY - Sure. All men think that. How long do you like to be held afterwards? All night, right? See, that's the problem. Somewhere, between thirty seconds and all night, is your problem. SALLY - I don't have a problem. HARRY - Yeah, you do. 8 HARRY - Staying over? SALLY - Yes. HARRY - Would you like to have dinner? Just friends. SALLY - I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends. HARRY - When did I say that? SALLY - On the ride to New York. HARRY - No, no, no, no I never said that.Yes, that's right. They can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people. Then they can. This is an amendment to the earlier rule.If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted.That doesn't work either. Because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with,like it means something is missing from the relationship and you have to go outside to get it. Then when you say no, no, no, it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship, the person you're involved with, then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with. Which you probably are.I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding. Let's face it. Which brings up back to the earlier rule, before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends. So, where does that leave us? SALLY - Harry. HARRY - What? SALLY - Good bye. HARRY - Okay. I'll just stop walking, I'll let you go ahead. THIRD MAN - We were married forty years ago. We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie. THIRD WOMAN - But first you lived with Barbara. THIRD MAN - Right, Barbara. But I didn't marry Barbara. I married Marjorie. THIRD WOMAN - Then you got a divorce. THIRD MAN - Right, then I married Katie.

THIRD WOMAN - Another divorce. THIRD MAN -Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her. I was with some girl I don't even remember. THIRD WOMAN - Roberta. THIRD MAN - Right. Roberta. But I couldn't take my eyes off you. I remember, I snuck over to her and I said... What did I say? THIRD WOMAN - You said: "What're you doin' after?". THIRD MAN - Right. So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee, a month later we're married. THIRD WOMAN - Thirty-five years to the day after our first marriage. 9 MARIE - So I went through his pockets, okay? ALICE - Marie, why do you go through his pockets? MARIE - You know what I found? ALICE - No, what? MARIE - They just bought a dining room table. He and his wife just went out and spent sixteen hundred dollars on a dining room table. ALICE - Where? MARIE - The point isn't "where", Alice, the point is, he's never gonna leave her. ALICE - So, what else is new? You've known this for two years! MARIE - You're right. You're right. I know you're right. ALICE - Why can't you find someone single? When I was single I knew lots of nice single men. There must be someone. Sally found someone. MARIE - Sally got the last good one. SALLY - Joe and I broke up. ALICE - What? MARIE - When? SALLY - Monday. ALICE - You waited three days to tell us? MARIE - You mean Joe's available? ALICE - For God's sakes, Marie, don't you have any feelings about this? She's obviously upset. SALLY - I'm not that upset. We've been growing apart for quite a while. MARIE - But you guys were a couple. You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays! SALLY - I said to myself: "You deserve more than this. You're thirty-one years old..." MARIE - And the clock is ticking. SALLY - No, the clock doesn't really start to tick until you're thirty-six. ALICE - God, you're in such great shape. SALLY - Well, I've had a few days to get used to it and, uh, I feel okay. MARIE - Good. Then you're ready. ALICE - Really, Marie. MARIE - Well,how else do you think you do it? I've got the perfect guy. I don't happen to find him attractive, but you might. She doesn't have a problem with chins. SALLY - Marie, I'm not ready yet. MARIE But you just said you were over him. SALLY - I am over him, but I am in a mourning period. Who is it? MARIE - Alex Anderson. SALLY - Oh! You fixed me up with him six years ago. MARIE - Sorry! SALLY - God!

MARIE - All right. Wait. Here. Here we go. Ken Darman. SALLY - He's been married for over a year. MARIE - Really. Married.Oh, wait, wait, wait. I got one. SALLY - Look. There is no point in my going out with someone I might really if I met him at the right time, but who right now has no chance of being anything to me but a transitional man. MARIE - Okay. But don't wait too long. Remember what happened to David Warsaw? His wife left him and everyone said, give him some time, don't move in too fast. Six months later he was dead. SALLY - What are you saying, I should get married to someone right away in case he's about to die? ALICE - At least you could say you were married. MARIE - I'm saying that the right man for you might be out there right now, and if you don't grab him someone else will,and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband. 10 PLAYERS - Ten! Hut! JESS - When did this happen? HARRY - Friday. Helen comes home from work and she says: "I don't know if I wanna be married anymore". Like it's the institution,you know, like it's nothing personal, just something she's been thinkin' about in a casual way, I'm calm. I say: "Why don't we take some time to think about it". You know, don't rush into anything. JESS - Yeah, right. HARRY - Next day, she says she's thought about it,and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it,she says. But we can still date, like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I could stop dating. So I don't see where "we can still date" is any big incentive. Since the last thing you wanna do is date your wife who is supposed to love you. Which is what I'm saying to her when it occurs to me that maybe she doesn't. I say to her: "Don't you love me anymore?". You know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you." JESS - Oooh, that's harsh! You don't bounce back from that right away. HARRY - Thanks, Jess. JESS - No, I'm a writer. I know dialogue,and that's particularly harsh. HARRY - Then she tells me that someone in her office is going to South America,and she can sublet his apartment. I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings. "I can sublet his apartment." The words are still hanging in the air, you know, like a balloon attached to her mouth... JESS - Like a cartoon. HARRY - Right. So I go to the door,and there are moving men there.Now I start to get suspicious. I say: "Helen,when did you call these movers?". And she doesn't say anything. So I ask the movers. "When did this woman book you for this gig?". And they're just standing there. Three huge guys, one of 'em wearing a t-shirt that says, "Don't fuck with Mister Zero". So I said: "Helen when did you make this arrangement?". She says: "A week ago". I said: "Youve known for a week and you didn't tell me?". And she says:"I didn't wanna ruin your birthday". JESS - You're saying Mister Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did? HARRY - Mister Zero knew. JESS - I can't believe this! HARRY - I haven't told you the bad part yet. JESS - What could be worst than Mister Zero knowing? HARRY - It's all a lie.She's in love with somebody else. Some tax attorney. She moved in with him. JESS - How did you find out? HARRY - I followed her. I stood outside the building. JESS - So humiliating!

HARRY - Tell me about it. And you know, I knew,I knew the whole time that even though we were happy, it was just an illusion, and that one day she would kick the shit outta me. JESS - Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong. HARRY - Oh, really? Well,that symptom is fucking my wife. 11 MARIE - So I just happened to see his American Express bill. SALLY - What do you mean you "just happened" to see it? MARIE - Well, he was shaving,and there it was, in his briefcase. SALLY - What if he came out and saw you looking through his briefcase? MARIE - You're missing the point.I'm telling you what I found. He just spent a hundred and twenty dollars on a new nightgown for his wife! I don't think he's ever gonna leave her. SALLY - No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her. 12 MARIE - You're right, you're right.I know you're right. Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth. SALLY - I know him. You'd like him. He's married. MARIE - Who is he? SALLY - Harry Burns.He's a political consultant. MARIE - He's cute. SALLY - You think he's cute? MARIE - How do you know he's married? SALLY - Because the last time I saw him he was getting married. MARIE - When was that? SALLY - Six years ago. MARIE - So he might not be married anymore. SALLY - Also, he's obnoxious. MARIE - Ha, this is just like in the movies, remember? In "The Lady Vanishes", when she says to him: "You're the most obnoxious man I ever met". SALLY - He's contemptible. MARIE - And they fall madly in love. SALLY - Also, he never remembers me. HARRY - Sally Albright. SALLY - Hi, Harry. HARRY - I thought it was you. SALLY - It is. This is Marie. Was Marie. HARRY - How are you? SALLY - Fine. HARRY - How's Joe? SALLY - Fine. I hear he's fine. HARRY - You're not with Joe anymore? SALLY - We just broke up. HARRY - Oh. I'm sorry. That's too bad. SALLY - Yeah? Well, you know. Yeah. So. What about you? HARRY - I'm fine. SALLY - How's married life? HARRY - Not so good. I, uh, I'm getting a divorce. SALLY - Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. HARRY - Yeah, well, what're you gonna do? What happened with you guys?

SALLY - When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together but we didn't wanna get married, because every time anyone we knew got married it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true. It's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids and... Actually, my, my one girlfriend who has kids. Alice. And she would complain about how she and Gary never did it any more. She didn't even complain about it now that I think about it. She just said it matter-offactly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time,the kids just took every sexual impulse they had outta them. Joe and I used to talk about it and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship.We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I promised to take her to the circus. And we were in the cab playing "I spy". "I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamppost." And she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids and the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders and she said: "I spy a family". And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home and I said:"The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice". HARRY - And the kitchen floor... SALLY - Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile. Anyway, we talked about it for a long time, and I said: "This is what I want", and he said: "Well, I don't", and I said: "Well,I guess it's over", and he left. And the thing is I... I feel really fine! I am over him. I mean, I really am over him. That was it for him, that was the most that he could give...and every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced that I did the right thing. HARRY - Boy, you sound really healthy. 13 SALLY - Yeah. At least I got the apartment. HARRY - That's what everybody says to me, too. But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is, you read the obituary column. Yeah. You find out who died,go to the building, and then you tip the doorman. What they could do to make it easier is combine the obituaries with the real estate section. So, and then you have: "Mister Klein today leaving a wife, two children and a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace". You know, the first time we met, I really didn't like you that much. SALLY - I didn't like you. HARRY - Yes, you did. You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now. SALLY - You know, I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment but really it's an insult. HARRY - Okay, you're still as hard as nails. SALLY - I just didn't wanna sleep with you and you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you. HARRY - What's the Statute of Limitations on apologies? SALLY - Ten years. HARRY - Oooh, I can just get in under the wire. SALLY - Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? HARRY - Are we becoming friends now? SALLY - Well,... yeah. HARRY - Great! A woman friend. You know you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted sleep with in my entire life. SALLY - That's wonderful, Harry. FOURTH MAN - We were both born in the same hospital...

FOURTH WOMAN - In nineteen twenty-one. FOURTH MAN - Seven days apart. FOURTH WOMAN - In the same hospital. FOURTH MAN - We both grew up one block away from each other. FOURTH WOMAN - We both lived in tenements. FOURTH MAN - On the Lower East Side. FOURTH WOMAN - On Delancey Street. FOURTH MAN - My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten. FOURTH WOMAN - He lived on Fordham Road. FOURTH MAN - Hers moved when she was eleven. FOURTH WOMAN - I lived on a hundred and eighty-seventh Street. FOURTH MAN - For six years she worked on the fifteenth floor... FOURTH WOMAN - I worked for a very promising neurologist, Doctor Permelman,... - as a nurse... FOURTH MAN - Where I had a practice on the fourteenth floor in the very same building. FOURTH WOMAN - We never met. FOURTH MAN - We never met. FOURTH WOMAN - Can you imagine that? FOURTH MAN - Do you know where we met ? In an elevator. FOURTH WOMAN - I was visiting my family. FOURTH MAN - At the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago Illinois. FOURTH WOMAN - He was on the third floor, I was on the twelfth. FOURTH MAN - I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her. Nine extra floors. 14 SALLY - Hello. HARRY - You sleeping? SALLY - No, I was watching Casablanca. HARRY - Channel, please. SALLY - Eleven. HARRY - Thank you. Got it. Now you're telling me you would be happier with Victor Lazlo than with Humphrey Bogart? SALLY - When did I say that? HARRY - When we drove to New York. SALLY - I never said that. I would never have said that. HARRY - All right, fine. Have it your way. Have you been sleeping? SALLY - Why? HARRY - 'Cause I haven't been sleeping. I really miss Helen. Maybe I'm comin' down with something. Last night I was up at four in the morning watching "Leave it to Beaver" in Spanish. "Buenos Dias, Senora Cleaver. Donde esta Wallace y Theodore?". I'm not well. SALLY - Well, I went to bed at seven-thirty last night. I haven't done that since the third grade. HARRY - Well, that's the good thing about depression. You get your rest. SALLY - I'm not depressed. HARRY - Okay, fine. Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed? SALLY - I did for a while, but now I'm pretty much using the whole bed. HARRY - God, that's great. I feel weird when just my leg wanders over. I miss her. SALLY - I don't miss him. I really don't. HARRY - Not even a little? SALLY - You know what I miss? I miss the idea of him. HARRY - Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen. No, I miss the whole Helen.

SALLY - Oh, last scene. 15 TV - Bye, Rich. HARRY - Oh, Ingrid Bergman. Now she's low maintenance. SALLY - Low maintenance? HARRY - There are two kinds of women, high maintenance and low maintenance. SALLY - And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance? HARRY - An L.M. Definitely. SALLY - Which one am I? HARRY - You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance. SALLY - I don't see that. HARRY - You don't see that? "Waiter, I'll begin with the house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing." "I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil but on the side." "And then the salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side." "On the side" is a very big thing for you. SALLY - No,I just want it the way I want it. HARRY - I know. High maintenance. BOGART - Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. HARRY - Best last line of a movie ever. I'm definitely coming down with something. Probably a twenty-four hour tumor, they're going around. SALLY - You don't have a tumor. HARRY - How do you know? SALLY - If you're so worried, go see a doctor. HARRY - No, he'll just tell me it's nothing. SALLY - Will you be able to sleep? HARRY - If not I'll be okay. SALLY - What'll you do? HARRY - I'll stay up and moan. Maybe I should practice now. SALLY - Good night, Harry HARRY - Good night. 16 HARRY - I had my dream again. Where I'm making love and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it. The finals. I got a nine-eight from the Canadian, a perfect ten from the American,and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a five-six. Musta been a dismount. SALLY - Basically it's the same one I've been having since I was twelve. HARRY - What happens? SALLY - No, it's... it's too embarrassing. HARRY - Don't tell me. SALLY - Okay, there's this guy. HARRY - What's he look like? SALLY - I dunno, he's just kinda faceless. HARRY - Faceless guy. Okay. Then what ? SALLY - He rips off my clothes. HARRY - Then what happens? SALLY - That's it. HARRY - That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes and that's the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve. Exactly the same. SALLY - Well, sometimes I vary it a little. HARRY - Which part?

SALLY - What I'm wearing. What? HARRY - Nothing. HARRY - I have decided that for the rest of the day we are going to talk like this. SALLY - Like this ? HARRY - No, please.To repeat after me. Pepper. SALLY - Pepper. HARRY - Pepper. SALLY - Pepper. HARRY - Pepper. SALLY - Pepper. HARRY - Pepper. SALLY - Pepper. HARRY - Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash. SALLY - Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash. HARRY - There is too much pepper on my paprikash. But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie. SALLY - Oh, no ! HARRY - But I would be proud... SALLY - But I would be proud... HARRY - to partake... SALLY - to partake... HARRY - of your pecan pie. SALLY - of your pecan pie. HARRY - Pecan pie. SALLY - Pecan pie. HARRY - Pecan pie. SALLY - Pecan pie. HARRY - Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight? SALLY - Would you like to go... HARRY - Not to repeat, please, to answer. Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight? SALLY - Oh, oh, oh. I'd love to, Harry, but I can't. HARRY - Whaddyou have? A hot date? SALLY - Well, yeah. Yeah. HARRY - Really? SALLY - Yeah. I wa... I was gonna tell you, but I-I don't know, I just... felt strange about it. HARRY - Why? SALLY - Well, because we've been spending so much time together. HARRY - Well, I think that's great that you have a date. SALLY - You do? HARRY - Yeah. Is that what you're gonna wear? SALLY - Yeah. Well, I-I dunno. Why? HARRY - I think you should wear skirts more. You look really good in skirts. SALLY - I do? HARRY - Yeah. You know,I have a theory that hieroglyphics are really an ancient comic strip about a character named "Sphinxy". SALLY - You know, Harry, I think you should get out there, too. HARRY - Oh, I'm not ready. SALLY - You should. HARRY - I would not be good for anybody right now. SALLY - It's time.

HARRY - It was the most uncomfortable night of my life. SALLY - See, now, it has to go this way. Well, the first date back is always the toughest, Harry. HARRY - You only had one date. How do you know it's not gonna get worse? SALLY - How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table? HARRY - You're talkin' dream date compared to my horror. I started out fine, she's a very nice person. And we're sitting and we're talking in this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was makin' jokes, you know, like: "Hey, I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia". "This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave". Yeah! Nothing from her, not even a smile. So I downshift into small talk, I ask her where she went to school and she says Michigan State. And this reminds me of Helen, all of a sudden, I'm in the middle of this massive anxiety attack,my heart's beatin' like a wild man,and I start sweatin' like a pig. SALLY - Helen went to Michigan State? HARRY - No, she went to North-western. But they're both "Big Ten" schools. I got so upset I hadda leave the restaurant. SALLY - Harry, I think this takes a long time. It might be months before we're actually able to enjoy going out with someone new. HARRY - Yeah. SALLY - And maybe longer before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new. HARRY - Oh, I went to bed with her. SALLY - You went to bed with her? HARRY - Sure. SALLY - Oh. 17 JESS - I don't understand this relationship. HARRY - Whaddya mean? JESS - You enjoy being with her? HARRY - Yeah. JESS - You find her attractive? HARRY - Yeah. JESS - And you're not sleeping with her. HARRY - No. JESS - You're afraid to let yourself be happy. HARRY - Why can't you gimme credit for this? This is a big thing for me.I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I feel like I'm growing. NINE YEAR OLD - Are you finished? HARRY - Hey, I got a whole stack o' quarters and I was here first. NINE YEAR OLD - Were not. HARRY - Was, too. NINE YEAR OLD - Were not! HARRY - Was, too! NINE YEAR OLD - You jerk. HARRY - Little creep. HARRY - Where was I? JESS - You were growing. HARRY - Yeah. It's very freeing.I can say anything to her. JESS - Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?

HARRY - No, it's just different. It's a whole different perspective.I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men that she goes out with and I can talk to her about the women I see. JESS - You tell her about other women. HARRY - Yeah. Like the other night. I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible I took her to a place that wasn't human. She actually meowed. JESS - You made a woman meow? HARRY - Yeah, that's the point, I can say these things to her, and the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I'm not always thinkin' about how to get her into bed, I can just be myself. JESS - You made a woman meow? 18 SALLY - So what do you do with these women? Do you just get up outta bed and leave? HARRY - Sure. SALLY - Well, explain to me how you do it. What do you say? HARRY - I say I have an early meeting, an early haircut, an early squash game. SALLY - You don't play squash. HARRY - They don't know that. They just met me. SALLY - That's disgusting. HARRY - I know. I feel terrible. SALLY - You know, I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've ended up being some woman you had to get up outta bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and go clean your andirons. And you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would know this. HARRY - Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you. SALLY - Yes, it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman. HARRY - Hey, I don't feel great about this, but I don't hear anyone complainin'. SALLY - Of course not, you're out the door too fast. HARRY - I think they have an okay time. SALLY - How do you know? HARRY - Whaddya mean how do I know? I know! SALLY - Because they... HARRY - Yes, because they... SALLY - How do you know that they're really... HARRY - What are you saying? That they fake orgasm? SALLY - It's possible. HARRY - Get outta here! SALLY - Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it. HARRY - Well, they haven't faked it with me. SALLY - How do you know? HARRY - Because I know. SALLY - Oh, right. That's right.I forgot. You're a man. HARRY - What is that supposed to mean? SALLY - Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happens to them and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math. HARRY - You don't think that I could tell the difference? SALLY - No. HARRY - Get outta here. SALLY - Oh! Oh! Oooh! HARRY - Are you okay?

SALLY - Oooh! Oh, God! Oooh! Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, yeah, right there.Oh!Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! Yes! Yes !Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! Yes!Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, God!Oh! OLDER WOMAN - I'll have what she's having. 19 MUSIC - Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening. A beautiful sight. We're happy tonight, walking in the winter wonderland. Gone away, is the bluebird. Here to stay, is a new bird. He sings a love song as we go along, walking in a winter wonderland. In the meadow we can build a snowman then pretend it's Parson Brown. He'll say: "Are you married?". We'll say: "No, man". "But you can do the job when you're in town, brother." Later on, we'll conspire as we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans that we made. Walking in a winter wonderland. If they asked me I could write a book about the way you walk, and whisper and look. SALLY - I like you without your beard. You can see your face. HARRY - Yeah, it is my face.I'm dipping you! SALLY - I really wanna thank you for taking me out tonight. HARRY - Oh, don't be silly. And next New Years Eve, if neither of us is with anybody, you got a date. SALLY - Deal. See? Now we can dance cheek-to-cheek. - Hmm. MUSIC - Is just to tell them that I love you a lot then the world discovers as my book ends. How to make two lovers for friends. MAN - Hey, everybody, ten seconds to New Year! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... HARRY - Wanna get some air? SALLY - Yeah. CROWD -..five, four, three,two, one, Happy New Year! Happy New Year! HARRY - Happy New Year! SALLY - Happy New Year! FIFTH WOMAN - Well, he was the head counselor at the boys' camp, and I was the head counselor at the girls' camp. And they had the social one night. And he walked across the room. I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine. Because people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.But he was coming to talk to me, and he said:... FIFTH MAN - "I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls". FIFTH WOMAN - At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon. 20 SALLY - You sent flowers to yourself. MARIE - Sixty dollars I spent on this big stupid arrangement of flowers. And I wrote a card that I planned to leave on the front table where Arthur would just happen to see it. SALLY - What did the card say? MARIE - "Please say yes. Love, Jonathan." SALLY - Did it work?

MARIE - He never even came over. He forgot this charity thing that his wife was chairman of. He's never gonna leave her! SALLY - Of course he isn't. MARIE - You're right. You're right. I know you're right. Where is this place? SALLY - Somewhere on the next block. MARIE - Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this. SALLY - Look, Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends. And if by some chance you two hit it off, then we could all still be friends instead of drifting apart the way you do when you get involved with someone who doesn't know your friends. MARIE - You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur. SALLY - If Arthur ever left his wife, and I actually met him, I am sure that you and I would drift apart. MARIE - He's never gonna leave her. SALLY - Of course he isn't. MARIE - You're right. You're right. I know you're right. JESS - I dunno about this. HARRY - It's just a dinner. JESS - You know, I've finally gotten to a place in my life where I'm comfortable with the fact that it's just me and my work. If she's so great, why aren't you takin' her out? HARRY - How many times do I have to tell you? We're just friends. JESS - So you're saying she's not that attractive? HARRY - No, I told you she is attractive. JESS - Yeah, but you also said she had a good personality. HARRY - She has a good personality. What? JESS - When someone's not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality. HARRY - Look. If you had asked me: "What does she look like?" and I said: "She has a good personality", that means she's not attractive. But just because I happen to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either. She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality. JESS - So, which one is she? HARRY - Attractive. 21 JESS - But not beautiful, right? It's like whenever I read Jimmy Breslin, it's as if he's having some kind of a wake-up call for the City of New York. SALLY - What do you mean by a "wake-up" call? JESS - Oh, well, he's saying that the people in the city... HARRY - Would I have seen any of your windows? MARIE - Well, just a coupla weeks ago, I did a thing with hostages. HARRY - Oh, the people in blindfolds. MARIE - Yeah. HARRY - That is interesting. SALLY - Uh, let's just say I'm, I'm really just not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin. JESS - Well, he's the reason I became a writer, but, that's not important. SALLY - Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey. MARIE - Really? HARRY - Where are you from? MARIE - South Orange. HARRY - Haddenfield. MARIE - Oh! HARRY - So, what are we gonna order?

SALLY - Well, I'm gonna start with the grilled radicchio. HARRY - Jess, Sally is a great orderer. Not only does she always pick the best thing on the menu, but she orders it in a way that even the chef didn't know how good it would be. JESS - I think restaurants have become too important. MARIE - Oh, I agree. "Restaurants are to people in the eighties what theater was to people in the sixties. "I read that in a magazine. JESS - I wrote that! HARRY - Get outta here! JESS - No, I did. I wrote that. MARIE - I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life! That's amazing! Don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it? JESS - I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the eighties". MARIE - Get over yourself! JESS - I did! MARIE - Where did I read that? JESS - New York Magazine. HARRY - Sally writes for New York Magazine. MARIE - You know, that piece had a real impact on me. I-I don't know that much about writing, but... JESS - Look, it spoke to you, and that pleases me. - I-I mean... MARIE - I really have to admire people who can-can be as... that articulate... JESS - Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before. MARIE - Oh! I've been looking for a red suede pump! What do you think of Jess? SALLY - Well, ... MARIE - Do you think you could go out with him? SALLY I don't know... MARIE - 'Cause I feel really comfortable with him. SALLY - You wanna go out with Jess. MARIE - If it would be all right with you. SALLY - Sure. Sure. I'm just worried about Harry. He's very sensitive. He's going through a rough period, and I just don't want you to reject him right now. MARIE - I wouldn't, I totally understand. SALLY - Okay. JESS - If you don't think you're gonna call Marie, do you mind if I call her? HARRY - No. JESS - Good. Good, good. HARRY - But for tonight you shouldn't. I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now. I mean you can call Marie,it's fine, but just like wait a week or so, you know? Don't make any moves tonight. JESS - Fine, no problem. I wasn't even thinkin' about tonight. Well, I don't really feel much like walkin' any more. I think I'll get a cab. MARIE - I'll go with you. JESS - Great! Taxi! SIXTH MAN - A man came to me and said: "I found a nice girl for you"."She lives in the next village. And she is ready for marriage." We were not supposed to meet until the wedding.But I wanted to make sure. So I sneak into her village,hid behind a tree,watch her washing the clothes.I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her. But she looked really nice to me. So I said: "Okay" to the man. We get married. We are married for fifty-five years. 22

HARRY - I have to get this. I have to get this. SALLY - Harry,we're here for Jess and Marie. HARRY - I know, we'll find 'em something. There's great stuff here! SALLY - We should have gone to the plant store. HARRY - Here. Perfect for them. SALLY - What's that? HARRY - Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan. SALLY - Why is this necessary in life? HARRY - I don't know. Look. Look at this. Also makes great fries.Oh, oh, oh. Good. Call off the dogs. The hunt is over. Sally, this is the greatest. Sally, please report to me. Look at this! This is the greatest. They're gonna love this. This is a singing machine. Look. You sing the-the-the-the lead, and this has the back-up and everything. This is from "Oklahoma!". Here's the lyrics right here. SALLY - "Surrey With the Fringe on Top". HARRY - Yeah, perfect. "Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry." "When I take you out in my surrey." "When I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top." Now you! SALLY - "Watch that fringe and see how it flutters. When I drive them high steppin' stutters." "Nosey pokes'll peek thru their shutters and their eyes will pop!" "The wheels are yeller,the upholstery's brown,the dashboard's genuine leather". "With isinglass curtains that will roll..." What? It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice.I know, it's terrible. Joe hated it. HARRY - It's Helen. SALLY - Helen? HARRY - She's coming right towards me. HELEN - How are you, Harry? HARRY - Fine. I'm fine. HELEN - Oh, this is Ira Stone. Harry Burns. IRA - Harry. HARRY - I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright. Helen Hillson... and Ira. HELEN - Nice to meet you. SALLY - Hi. HELEN - Well, see you. HARRY - Yeah. Bye. Nice to meet you, Ira. SALLY - You okay? HARRY - Yeah, I'm perfect. She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird. She looked very weird. SALLY - I've never seen her before. HARRY - Trust me. She looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must be retaining water. SALLY - Harry. HARRY - Believe me, the woman saved everything. SALLY - Sure you're okay? HARRY - Oh, I'm fine. Look, it hadda happen at some point. In a city of 8 million people, you're bound to run into your ex-wife. So "boom", it happened. And now I'm fine. 23 JESS - I like it. It works. It says home to me. MARIE - All right. All right, we'll let Harry and Sally be the judge. What do you think? HARRY - It's nice. JESS - Case closed.

MARIE - Of course he likes it. He's a guy. Sally? JESS - What's so awful about it? MARIE - It's so awful,there's no way to even begin to explain what is so awful about it. JESS - Honey,I don't object to any of your things. MARIE - If we had an extra room, we could put all your things in it, including your barstools and... JESS - Wait. Wait, honey, honey, wait, wait. You don't like my barstools? Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side. MARIE - I'm on your side. I'm just trying to help you have good taste. JESS - I have good taste! MARIE - Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor,but they couldn't possibly all have good taste! HARRY - You know, it's funny. We started out like this. Helen and I. We had blank walls. We hung things. We picked out tiles together. Then you know what happens? Six years later you find yourself singing "Surrey With the Fringe on Top" in front of Ira. SALLY - Do we have to talk about this right now? HARRY - Yes, I think that right now actually is the perfect time to talk about this, because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience. Right now everything is great. Everyone is happy,everyone is in love. And that's wonderful, but you gotta know, that sooner or later, you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of "That is Mine, This is yours". SALLY - Harry! HARRY - Please. Jess, Marie, do me a favor for your own good. Put your name in your books right now. Before they get mixed up and you don't know whose is whose. Because some day, believe it or not, you'll go fifteen rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table! This stupid wagon wheel Roy Rogers garage sale coffee table! JESS - I thought you liked it! HARRY - I was being nice! SALLY - He just bumped into Helen. MARIE - I want you to know,that I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table. HARRY - I know, I know,I shouldn't have done that. SALLY - Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing very feeling that you have every moment that you have them. HARRY - Oh, really? SALLY - Yes. There are times and places for things. HARRY - Well, the next time you're givin' a lecture series on social graces, would you let me know? 'Cause I'll sign up. SALLY - Hey! You don't have to take your anger out on me. HARRY - Oh, I think I'm entitled to throw a little anger your way. Especially when I'm being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners! SALLY - What is that supposed to mean? HARRY - I mean nothing bothers you! You never get upset about anything! SALLY - Don't be ridiculous! HARRY - What? You never get upset about Joe.I never see that back up on you. How is that possible? Don't you experience any feelings of loss? SALLY - I don't have to take this crap from you. HARRY - If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone? SALLY - I see people! HARRY - See people. Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe? SALLY - What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove that I'm over Joe because I fuck somebody? Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you.

Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love, not the way you do like you're out for revenge or something. HARRY - Are you finished now? SALLY - Yes. HARRY - Can I say something? SALLY - Yes. HARRY - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't say a word! 24 JESS - It's a monkey, its a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do. It... it's an ape. "Going ape". ALICE - It's a baby. JESS - Planet of the Apes. HARRY- Planet of the Apes? She just said it's a baby. How about planet of the dopes? JESS - It doesn't look like a baby. HARRY - It's a big mouth baby. Mick Jagger has a baby. JESS - Baby ape! Baby ape! HARRY - Stop with the ape, would you please? ALICE - Uh, baby's breath. HARRY - Baby... Rosemary's baby's mouth. Bab... bab... baby... "Won't you come home,Bill Baby?" - Baby... Baby... ALICE - Baby... Kiss the baby! HARRY - Melancholy Baby's mouth! JESS - Baby fish... Baby fish mouth! ALICE - Ethel Merman's... JESS - Baby fish mouth! JULIAN - Fifteen seconds. ALICE - Baby...ba... baby... HARRY - Baby boom! - Baby... JESS - Draw something resembling anything! ALICE - Baby...Crying baby.Kiss the baby... HARRY - Baby...Baby spittin up. Exorcist baby! ALICE - Uh, baby, "Yes, Sir, that's my baby". HARRY - No, Sir, don't mean maybe! JULIAN - That's it! Time's up! SALLY - Baby talk. JESS - Baby talk?What's that? That's not a saying. HARRY - Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation. I hear them talking! GARY - Final score. Our team, one ten, you guys sixty. SALLY - I can't draw. JULIAN - No! That's a baby, and that's clearly talkin'. You're wonderful. MARIE - All right, who wants coffee? JESS - I do, and I love you. ALICE - Do you have any tea? MARIE - One tea. HARRY - Industrial strength. I'll have a tea, also. SALLY - I'll help you. Decaf? JULIAN - Yeah. Cream. EMILY - Where's the bathroom? MARIE - Through that door, down the hall. JESS - Never looked like a baby to me.

JULIAN - Which part? JESS - All of it. HARRY - Hey, Jess. You were gonna show me the cover art for your book. JESS - Oh, yeah, yeah. It's, it's in the den. Look, uh, Julian, help yourself, have some more wine, whatever you like, okay? I like saying it's in the den. It's got a nice ring to it. SALLY - Emily's a little young for Harry, don't you think? MARIE - Well, she's young but look what she's done. SALLY - What has she done? She makes desserts. HARRY - Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you? JESS - He's a good guy. You should talk to him, get to know him. HARRY - He's too tall to talk to. MARIE - She makes thirty-five hundred chocolate mousse pies a week. SALLY - Emily is "Aunt Emily"? JESS - He took us all to a Met game last week. It was great. HARRY - You all went to a Met game together? JESS - Yeah, but, but yeah, it was a last minute thing. HARRY - But Sally hates baseball! SALLY - Harry doesn't even like sweets! MARIE - Julian is great. SALLY - I know. He's a grown-up. JESS - Emily is terrific. HARRY - Yeah. Of course when I asked her where she was when Kennedy was shot, she said: "Ted Kennedy was shot?". JESS - No. HARRY - Hello. 25 SALLY - Are you alone? HARRY - Yeah. I was just finishing a book. SALLY - Could you come over? HARRY - What's the matter? SALLY - He's getting married. HARRY - Who? SALLY - Joe! HARRY - I'll be right there. SALLY - Hi. HARRY - Are you all right? SALLY - Come on in. I'm sorry to call you so late. HARRY - It's all right. SALLY - I need a Kleenex. HARRY - Okay. SALLY - Okay. He just called me up:"Wanted to see how you were","Fine, how are you?", "Fine". His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up, he's got a big case in Newark. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm sitting on the phone thinking: "I'm over him, I really am over him, I can't believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this". And then he said: "I have some news". She works in his office. She's a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly. He just met her! She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the one! All this time, I've been saying that he didn't wanna get married. But the truth is,he didn't wanna marry me! He didn't love me. HARRY - If you could take him back right now, would you? SALLY - No! But why didn't he wanna marry me?What's the matter with me?

HARRY - Nothing. SALLY - I'm difficult. HARRY - You're challenging. SALLY - I'm too structured. I'm completely closed off. HARRY - But in a good way. SALLY - No, no, no, I drove him away! And I'm gonna be forty! HARRY - When? SALLY - Some day. HARRY - In eight years. SALLY - But it's there! It's just sitting there like this big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was seventy-three. HARRY - Yeah,but he was too old to pick 'em up. Oh, come here. Come here. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be fine. You'll see. Go ahead, it's not one o' my favorites anyway. It's gonna be okay. Hmmm? Hmmm? Okay? Okay? I'll make some tea. SALLY - Harry, could you just hold me a little longer? HARRY - Oh, sure! There! Okay? 26 SALLY - Are you comfortable? HARRY - Sure. SALLY - Do you want something to drink or something? HARRY - No, I'm okay. SALLY - Well, I'm gonna get up for some water, so it's really no trouble. HARRY - Okay. Water. You have all your video tapes alphabetized and on index cards.Thank you. SALLY - Do you wanna watch something? HARRY - No, not unless you do. SALLY - No. That's okay. Do you wanna go to sleep? HARRY - Okay. 27 SALLY - Where are you going? HARRY - I gotta go. I gotta go home, I gotta change my clothes and then I have to go to work. And so do you. But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you're free. Are you free? SALLY - Yes. HARRY - Fine, I'll call you later. SALLY - Fine. HARRY - Fine. JESS - Yours. MARIE - Hello. SALLY - I'm sorry to call so early. MARIE - Are you all right? JESS - No one I know would call at this hour. SALLY - I did something terrible. MARIE - What did you do ? JESS - No one I know would call at this hour. SALLY - It's so awful. HARRY - I need to talk. MARIE - What happened? JESS - What's the matter? SALLY - Harry came over last night.

HARRY - I went over to Sally's last night. SALLY - Because I was upset that Joe was getting married. HARRY - And one thing led to another... SALLY - And before I knew it we were kissing and then... - To make a long story short... HARRY AND SALLY - We did it. JESS AND MARIE- They did it! MARIE - That's great, Sally. JESS - We've been praying for it. MARIE - You should have done it in the first place. JESS - For months we've been saying you should do it. MARIE - You guys belong together. JESS - It's like killing two birds with one stone. MARIE - It's like two wrongs make a right. JESS - How was it? HARRY - The during part was good,... SALLY - I thought it was good,... HARRY - But then I felt suffocated. SALLY - But then I guess it wasn't. JESS - Jesus, I'm sorry. MARIE - The worst. HARRY - I just wanted to get out there. SALLY - He just disappeared. HARRY - I feel so bad. SALLY - I'm so embarrassed. JESS - I don't blame you. MARIE - That's horrible. HARRY - I think I'm coming down with something. JESS - I think I'm catching a cold. JESS - Look, look, it would have been great if it worked out, but it didn't. MARIE - You should never go to bed with anyone when you've found out your last boyfriend is getting married. HARRY - Who's that talking? JESS - Who? SALLY - Is that Jess on the phone? JESS - It's Jane Fonda on the VCR. MARIE - It's Bryant Gumbel. JESS AND MARIE - Do you want to come over for breakfast? HARRY - No, I'm not up to it. SALLY - No, I feel too awful. JESS AND MARIE - Good. MARIE - I mean, it's so early. JESS - But call me later if you want. MARIE - I'll call you later, okay? HARRY - Okay, bye. SALLY - Bye. JESS - Bye. MARIE - Bye. God. JESS - I know. MARIE - Tell me I'll never have to be out there again. JESS - You will never have to be out there again.

28 SALLY - I'll just say we made a mistake. HARRY - Sally, it was a mistake. SALLY - I just hope I get to say it first. HARRY - I hope she says it before I do. SALLY - It was a mistake. HARRY - I'm so relieved that you think so, too. I'm not saying last night wasn't great. SALLY - It was! HARRY - Yes, it was! SALLY - We just never should have done it. HARRY - I couldn't agree more. SALLY - I'm so relieved! HARRY - Great. SALLY - Yeah. WAITER - Two mixed green salads. HARRY - It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk. Hmmm? It's just like, most of the time you go to bed with someone, and then she tells you all her stories, you tell her your stories, but with Sally and me, we'd already heard each other's stories. So once we went to bed, we did not know what we were supposed to do. You know? JESS - Sure, Harry. HARRY - I don't know. Maybe you get to a certain point in a relationship where it's just too late to have sex. You know? SALLY - Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding? MARIE - I don't think so. SALLY - Is he seeing anyone? MARIE - He was seeing this anthropologist, but... SALLY- What did she look like? MARIE - Thin. Pretty. Big tits.Your basic nightmare. What do you think? SALLY - Oh, Marie. MARIE - Oh, tell the truth. SALLY - It's just beautiful. MINISTER - We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess and to consecrate their vows of matrimony. The vows they will take join their lives. The wine they will share binds all their hopes together. And by the rings they will wear, they will be known to all, as husband and wife. 29 SALLY - I've never seen her so happy. She's a totally different person! ALICE - Oh, yeah, she is, but, it's great,... but, what we're gonna do about you? SALLY - Me? ALICE - Yeah. GARY - You wanna dance? ALICE - Oh, yeah! Yeah, I do. HARRY - Hi. SALLY - Hello. HARRY - Nice ceremony. SALLY - Beautiful.

HARRY - Boy, the holidays are rough. Every year, I just try to get from the day before Thanksgiving to the day after New Year's. SALLY - A lot of suicides. WAITER - Would you like a pea pod with shrimp? SALLY - Thank you. HARRY - No, thanks. How've you been? SALLY - Fine. HARRY - Are you seeing anybody? SALLY - Harry. HARRY- What? SALLY - I don't wanna talk about this. HARRY - Why not? SALLY - I don't want to talk about it. HARRY - Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever? SALLY - Forever? It just happened! HARRY - It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog? SALLY - Yes. Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario? HARRY - Yes. SALLY - Who is the dog? HARRY - You are. SALLY - I am. I am the dog. HARRY - Um hmmm. SALLY - I am the dog? I... I don't see that, Harry. If anybody is the dog, you are the dog. You wanna act like what happened didn't mean anything. HARRY - I'm not saying it didn't mean anything. I'm saying why does it have to mean everything? SALLY - Because it does, and you should know that better than anybody, because the minute that it happened, you walked right out the door! HARRY - I didn't walk out. SALLY - No. Sprinted is more like it. HARRY - We both agreed it was a mistake! SALLY - The worst mistake I ever made! HARRY - Whaddyou want from me? SALLY - I don't want anything from you. HARRY - Fine. Fine, but let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there that night to make love to you. That is not why I went there,but you looked up at me with those big weepy eyes: "Don't go home tonight, Harry. Hold me a little longer, Harry". What was I supposed to do? SALLY - What are you saying, you took pity on me? HARRY - No, I was... SALLY - Fuck you! JESS - Everybody, could I uh, have your attention, please. I'd like to propose a toast, to Harry and Sally. To Harry and Sally. If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive, we would not be here today. MUSIC - Have yourself a Merry little Christmas. Let yourself be light, from now on our troubles will be out of sight. Have yourself a Merry little Christmas. Make the Yuletide gay,from now on our troubles will be miles away. HARRY - Hi, it's me, it's the holiday season and I thought I'd remind you that this is the season for charity and forgiveness. And, although it is not widely known,it is also the season of grovelling. So, if you felt like calling me back, I'd be more than happy to do the traditional Christmas grovel. Give me a call.

SALLY - Hi, I'm not home right now. Call you right back. HARRY - If you're there, please pick up the phone. I really wanna talk to you. The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe that you are either: A - not at home,B - home, but don't want to talk to me, or C - home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either A or C, please call me back. Obviously she doesn't wanna talk to me. What do I have to do, be hit over the head? She wants to call me, she'll call me. I'm through makin' a schmuck outta myself. "If you're feeling sad and lonely,there's a service I can render, tell the one who digs you only, I can be so warm and tender." "Call me, maybe it's late to just call me." "Don't be afraid to just phone 'moi'. "Call me and I'll be around." Gimme a call. SALLY - Hi, Harry. HARRY - Hello. Hi! Hi! I... I didn't know that you would... that you were there. What're you doing? SALLY - I was just on my way out. HARRY - Where are you going? SALLY - Whaddya want, Harry? HARRY - Nothing. Nothing. I, I... just called to say I'm sorry. SALLY - Okay. I gotta go. HARRY - Wait a second, wait a... wait a second. What you're doin' for New Year's? Are you goin' to the Tylers' party? 'Cause I don't have a date. And if you don't have a date, we always said that if neither one of us had a date, we could be together for New Year's, and... SALLY - I can't do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize. Good bye. 31 DICK CLARK - And here we are, once again, the sixteenth annual New Year's Rockin' Eve, coming to you live... HARRY - What's so bad about this? You have Dick Clark, that's tradition. You have Malomars,the greatest cookie of all time. And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since nineteen seventy-three. MUSIC - Missed the Saturday dance. Heard they crowded the floor. Oh, I'm lost, I'm without you. Don't get around much anymore. SALLY - I don't know why I let you guys drag me to this. HARRY - This is much better. Fresh air. I have the streets all to myself. Who needs to be at a big crowded party pretending to have a good time? Plus this is the perfect time to catch up on my window shopping. This is good. DATE - So the guy says: "Read the card". SALLY - Oh! Yeah. I'm going home. MARIE - You'll never get a taxi. SALLY - Oh, God! HARRY - You realize, of course,that we could never be friends. SALLY - Why not? HARRY - What I'm saying, is that men and women can't be friends. Because the sex part always gets in the way. SALLY - That's not true. HARRY - No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. SALLY - What if they don't wanna have sex with you? HARRY - Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there. So the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. SALLY - Well, I guess we're not gonna be friends, then. HARRY - Guess not.

SALLY - That's too bad, because you were the only person that I knew in New York. MUSIC - It had to be you, It had to be you, I wondered around,and I finally found. The somebody who could make me be true. And could make me be blue... SALLY - I'm going. MARIE - It's almost midnight! SALLY - Well, the thought of not kissing somebody is just... JESS - I'll kiss you. HARRY - Hey, taxi! Taxi! Taxi! JESS - Come on, stay. Please. SALLY - Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go. MARIE - Oh, wait two minutes. SALLY - I'll call you tomorrow. MUSIC - ...might never be mean. Might never be cross or try to be boss. But they wouldn't do. For nobody else gave me the thrill with all your faults I love you still. It had to be you. HARRY - I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you. SALLY - What? HARRY - I love you. SALLY - How do you expect me to respond to this? HARRY - How about you love me, too? SALLY - How about "I'm leaving"? HARRY - Doesn't what I said mean anything to you? SALLY - I'm sorry, Harry,I know it's New Year's Eve,I know you're feeling lonely,but you just can't show up here,tell me you love me and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn't work this way. HARRY - How does it work? SALLY - I don't know, but not this way. HARRY - How about this way? I love that you get cold when is seventy-one degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're lookin' at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight, because when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with somebody,you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. SALLY - You see? That's just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you! And I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you. HARRY - What does this song mean? My whole life I don't know what this song means. I mean, "should old acquaintance be forgot"... does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances,or does it mean that if we happen toforget them we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot 'em! SALLY - Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something. Anyway, it's about old friends. HARRY - The first time we met, we hated each other. SALLY - No,you didn't hate me. I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn't even remember me! HARRY - I did, too. I remembered you. The third time we met, we became friends. SALLY - We were friends for a long time. HARRY - And then we weren't. SALLY - And then we fell in love. Three months later we got married. HARRY - It only took three months.

SALLY - Twelve years and three months. HARRY - We had this real...really wonderful wedding. SALLY - It was a...it really was... HARRY - It was great. We had this enormous coconut cake. SALLY - Huge coconut cake with the...with the tiers and there was this... There was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side. HARRY - Right. 'Cause not everybody likes it on the cake, 'cause it makes it very soggy. SALLY - Particularly the coconut, it soaks up a lot of that stuff, you really, it's important to keep it on the side. HARRY - Right.