Metal Ass

the.effing.
librarian
METAL ASS
effinglibrarian.blogspot.com, the director’s cut*
by the.effing.librarian
Compiled from the blog, http://effinglibrarian.blogspot.com

from posts April 2008 through April 2009.
* additions, deletions with all new commentary.
2
the.effing.librarian
©2009, the.effing.librarian, LLC.
No portion of this book may be used without permission, unless

you manage to do it without getting caught, in which case, wow,
you are clever. But if I do catch you, I’m kicking your less-than-
clever ass.
The majority of this book was previously published at

http://effinglibrarian.blogspot.com during a period when any con-
cerned person was free to complain and have your grievance heard
by me through your comments. Now that this is a handful of pa-
per, I guess it’s too late to bitch about anything I say. What? You
say you’re going to complain anyway. Go ahead, but I’m not listen-
ing.
As usual, I can’t guarantee that anything in this book will make any
damn sense like it seemed to when I first wrote it.
The title of this book is METAL ASS. This is from one of my early
blog posts where I said that I didn’t realize that when I became I
librarian that I’d sit so much that I would need a metal ass.
I wanted to just call the book Asses, which is still a good title. But
Metal Ass is confusing out of context, just as most of these blog
posts will seem. At the time, I swear, there was a point I tried to
make, although it might not seem clear now, barely one year later.
But I’ll do my best to make what you read not suck. And again, this
is all subjective. What may not seem to suck now, could suck
bucket loads tomorrow. I’m not a fucking magician. I can’t take
shit and turn it into steak. Even if I was the one who wrote it origi-
nally.
But since my job now is as editor, the shit I wrote before may
prove to truly be shit. Although as a writer, it was solid gold. If I
knew how much it sucked back then, why didn’t I say anything?
God, I must suck as an editor if I let myself continue to suck as a
writer for those two years. Editor me hates writer me and writer
me wants to kill editor me. And so one of us must die.
Oh, no, silly. We were just kidding. Editor me loves writer me, and
writer me is just crazy about editor me.
We were just pulling your leg.
4
I mention on the title page that this is a “director’s cut” with added
commentary, etc. But if you never read my blog, the whole thing
was commentary. That’s the point of a blog, to comment on crap.
So if you’re reading this without any idea what the point of it is,
you’re going to see many short posts on random topics where I try
to write something funny.
And that’s pretty much it. If that’s not your cup of tea, then put
the book down and go into the kitchen and make yourself a cup of
your tea. If that’s what you want.
METAL ASS, like Fame and Fortune and Other F Words, is produced
mainly to record the time I spent not doing my real job very well so
I can justify all the goofing off. It’s not really supposed to represent
literature. Unless it does.
Oh, and since I forgot last time, thanks to LISNews. Although now, I
can’t really remember why.
And thanks to Stephen Michael Kellat for letting me be a part of

one (or two) of his podcasts.
WELCOME
to the second
volume of
blog, dead tree
edition.
6
Again, this is already on the Web for free in blog form. If you are
holding this in your hands, printed on paper, shame on you for de-
stroying nature. If you are reading this on some kind of handheld
electronic do-dad, then double shame for destroying the publishing
industry. If this was beamed directly into your brain from satel-
lites in space, then wow, that’s pretty cool.
If you were around the last time then you know that all I’m going
to do is paste in the original blog post minus anything that I think
might get me sued, plus add any new thoughts I have that could
make the original post even more hilarious. If that’s even possible.
Another really useful trick you might see is that I’ll attempt to fill
the vast areas of white space with text. It doesn’t even have to be
related to anything else going on or even English; it might even be
jaks jhefjdkfjojf jud fdfoipa’.
Or maybe I’ll have to make the font size for some text really large.
But one cool thing about publishing my own book is that I can in-
clude all of my comic strips called Black Shirts. For a very short
time, I wrote a comic about two guys who work on a starship that
looks a lot like the Enterprise, but not the one from Star Trek be-
cause that is one of those things the could be me sued.
So, here is (clears throat, uses Batman voice) Black Shirts: (Batman
is a registered trademark of DC Comics, I think.)
8
Seriously dude, what’s wit all the I thought the ship ran on crystals. Seriously, what’s wit all the
tubes? tubes?
It does. The crystals heat the wa-
They carry power for the ship. ter and the pipes carry the steam
that powers the ship.
10
Some tubes carry electrical stuff And some like these are marked
and some are filled with waste GNDN. “Goes nowhere, does
water. nothing.”
Like poo tubes? Then why are we repairing them?

Where did you hear about that What the heck is that thing? You say that like I’m supposed to
GNDN stuff? know what that is.
I read it here. A book.

Okay, that’s enough of that. You get the idea. Pasting those im-
ages is really a pain in the ass. I thought it would be easier, but the
image gets too small so then I have to retype all the text sideways.
Yeah, you try it.
So go find the cartoons online. They should still be at

http://www.toondoo.com/user/effinglibrarian.
It was really a lot of fun to write the comics. But again, at some
point it begins to feel like work, and that’s when I need to quit
doing it. Work is great if they pay you to do it, but not so much
fun when they don’t.
So let’s get on with the blog posts.
The first one is about the Movers and Shakers award given out by
Library Journal to library workers who either work harder than the
rest of us loser-slackers or kiss so much ass that they get showered
with undeserved praise. I don’t know there stories, so I’ll give
them the benefit of the doubt. Besides, I know how little I actually
work.
12
Monday, March 24, 2008
Moving. Shaking.
There are some real assholes in our profession. I'm not going
to point anywhere, but you can find your own examples of as-
sholery by reading comments about this year's LJ Movers &
Shakers 1 list. And those comments refer to the inclusion of
non-MLS persons receiving recognition for their contribu-
tions to the profession.
This is my feeling: if you work in a library in a capacity that

makes you feel like a librarian, you're a fucking librarian.
I got my degree over 15 years ago, and if I've become a lazy ass
who doesn't want to improve services or reach out to the
community, that undoubtedly has changed in that time, to
share the benefits of the library, then reward those who do. If
I ain't movin' it and I ain't shakin' it, then recognize those who
are.
Frankly, I would love to win an award, and it does bother me

when someone gets recognized for having the freedom to do a
special project while I spent the year supervising all the crap I
got conned into managing. I don't have time to look good. But
the other side of that is, since I'm so busy I'll never learn how
much I might really suck. I'm busy, but am I useful-busy or
just same-old-shit busy? (For the record, I'm useful busy. Be-
cause I say so.)
The same with this blog. I would love to have someone recog-
nize my writing for something that deserves an award, but I
don't even know what this blog is about. I don't advocate any
position except for, "don't be an asshole."
1
http://www.libraryjournal.com/toc-
archive/2008/20080315.html?section=Movers+%26%+Shakers
Don't be so much of an asshole that you can't recognize the

useful people around you because you don't see their profes-
sional credentials. That's my position. And here's the link to
next year's award 2 so you can nominate me for being so awe-
some; I'll help get you started:
Reasons for nomination:

Advocates the universally important position of, "don't be an
asshole."
Describe one event, project, or situation that illu-

strates your reason for this nomination:
Writes the.effing.librarian blog which sets the standard for
anti-assholery.
Describe one attribute or characteristic that illu-

strates this nominee's unique ability:
Demonstrates through the example of post-post-modern
thinking, the way assholery is acceptable and unacceptable in
the library profession.
Wish me luck.
I didn’t win a 2009 Mover and Shaker Award. I know you were
just dying to know, right?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
So now I'm happy?
2
http://www.libraryjournal.com/info/CA606274.html
14
This Time article 3 says that you will become increasingly un-
happy until you turn 44, and then you will get hit by a bus.
I could argue that the.effing.librarian is unhappy or disgrun-

tled or even bi-polar (or manic-depressive, although I prefer
hyper-melancholic). Regarding emotional states, I like to mix
it up.
But knowing that I've already been just about as unhappy as I

could ever be and that the best years of my life are ahead of
me, well, kinda makes me sad.
I don't even know how I would define not being happy. Out-
side of being ill or broke, I don't know if I've ever been really
unhappy. I remember how terrified I was for the month after I
graduated from library school that I wouldn't find a job, and
that I'd have to go back to working in retail in some store
serving unhappy people who complain all the time and do
god-awful things in the fitting rooms and steal and have no
respect for any of the nice things the store was trying to do. I
wanted to be a librarian and work in a library.
Yes, because I wasn't aware that people would behave exactly

the same. Silly me.
The.effing.librarian has had a full and exciting life so far. I'd

tell you more, but then I might never to be able to sell my fake
memoir later when I pretend to be someone else.
I don’t know if you purchased a copy the first volume of

the.effing.librarian’s blog, well, actually I do know because no
one purchased it, but it was initially priced at $15.95. When cop-
ies didn’t sell at that price, I decided to increase it by six thousand
percent. Because the harder things are to obtain, the more desir-
3
“Is Our Happiness Preordained?” by Laura Blue, March 12, 2008.
Time magazine.
able they become. And no, I still didn’t sell any copies at $1,000 a
pop, but that’s not my fault. You need to make more money.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What Libraries can learn from a $5,000 Hooker.
I have a friend who runs a salon. He once styled Hillary Clin-

ton's hair. He has no posted prices for his services, and
charges pretty much whatever he feels his client should pay.
Regardless of the time or effort spent on any two clients, the
fee he charges will vary by $100 or more between them for
similar services. Yet I'm positive that the client who spends
more is confident she received the better treatment.
So based on these two articles, "Eliot Spitzer and the Price-

Placebo Effect"4 and "Of e-books, business models and Eliot
Spitzer‘s hookers,"5 I'm beginning to wonder when libraries
will start charging huge amounts for basic services.
The Washington Post article says that people who pay too
much for stuff feel better about that purchase.
We already know that rich people pay a buttload of cash for

worthless crap to convince us that it's special. Like Amazon
spending $4 million of The Tales of Beedle the Bard. Sure, the
money went to charity, so why not just give the money to
charity? The same thing with the Mona Lisa. I really have
nothing against the painting, but if were ever for sale, I'm sure
that the sale price will be in the billions of dollars. Why? Be-
4
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-
dyn/content/article/2008/03/16/AR2008031602168.html
5
http://www.teleread.org/blog/2008/03/17/of-e-books-business-
models-and-eliot-spitzers-hooker/
16
cause someone has billions of dollars, and that someone

would need to prove to the rest of us what a cool dude he is.
Humans must need to overvalue things to validate out exis-

tence. If nothing is worth more than you'll ever make in your
lifetime, then what's the point of living? If no one can produce
something so awesome that it captures the emotions for gen-
erations, then why create? Why live at all? So we need these
things, these expensive, special things that few of us can ob-
tain. Otherwise, we're just naked mammals.
The guy who pays $5,000 for a prostitute probably thinks,

"I'm gonna impress her. Not every John can drop five grand
on a hooker. She's gonna remember me."
Spending money is all most of us have to make some sort of

impression on the world. We buy expensive cars and wear ex-
pensive jewelry. And as for sex, the man who can say the fol-
lowing must be super-awesome, and deserving of respect: "I
spent $5,000 on something that when I was a teen, I used to
get for free, or at most, for half a can of Coors and a few
french fries."
If libraries want to prosper, we need to act like a $5,000

hooker: provide the same service for everyone, but charge the
people who look like they can afford it. If your library is in a
poor part of town, but is often visited by more wealthy resi-
dents, charge them for use of the library. And don't just
charge $1, charge $10. And charge non-residents ten bucks
for Internet access.
Charge to use a clean bathroom. Charge for a quiet corner of

the library. Don't these things have the same qualities as the
$5,000 prostitute? They're cleaner; it's a nicer environment,
and fewer people have soiled the equipment.
Charge for things to make the purchaser feel that little bit of
immortality that comes with purchasing nice things. Take a
tip from the ads for Patek Phillipe watches that say, "'You
never actually own a Patek Philippe. You merely look after it

for the next generation.'" The meaning being that something
you own will carry a little bit of you on with it after you're
gone. The thing is more important than you.
I'd never really thought about these fees before but recently I
saw a list of fees for a library that rents meeting rooms and
the top price is around $2,000! For a meeting room...in the
library!
So we need to charge fees, disgustingly huge fees. And if the

science is there to back it up, then all the more reason to do it.
The next post is what I mean by humor being in the eye of the
beholder. I wrote it as if I were a person named Uncle Morty. I
don’t know who that is, but he seems to be a gag writer. I still
laugh at this post, but I for damn sure am not going to try to de-
fend it as funny.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Add joke. Stir.
I don't like to double-dip into the same story-sour cream, but

this is genius.
Add this to What Libraries can learn from a $5,000 Hooker. I

should have thought of this line before I posted, but here it is,
a little late, but worth the wait:
"Libraries should try to be more like the interior of a classy
limousine and not like the back seat of Travis Bickle's 6 taxi."
Oh, that is gold. Travis Bickle. Bickle is a funny word, don't

6
From the movie, Taxi Driver.
18
you think? I should file that with my other jokes. But which
file? Who should get first crack at my genius?
Rodney Dangerfield? The king! But sadly, he is dead.
The Jay file? Maybe. Johnny would have loved it.
The Dave Letterman file? No. He never returned my call on
that Clinton gag which he used!
Bruce Vilanch? He's a prince! But maybe he could throw a lit-

tle business my way. It wouldn't kill him.
Or maybe I'll keep it in the movie file, you know for when
Garry Marshall calls. He could've used it in Pretty Woman!
Maybe for the sequel! Garry, call me.
How the Lawyer brain thinks...
[The inevitable next step in the case of the deaf kiddie porn
watcher and the Tulare County library system.7]
In case you don’t know where this is coming from, this is the de-
fendant’s attorney as he addresses the court:
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the egregious-

ness of the offense against my client is almost palpable. I can
feel it. Can't you feel it? Just like how my client deals with his
infirmity. Deaf people touch people's faces in order to hear
them, right? No? Are you sure? Well, that's neither here nor
there. I shall continue.
Now this is neither the time nor place to discuss what some
library worker thought she saw, I'm here to speak for the vic-
7
Some guy was arrested for looking at porn after the “librarian” turned
him in, and surprise, had kiddie porn found on his home computer.
tim, a man who through an unfortunate defect of his forma-

tion in the womb, a womb we have all shared under the eyes
of the Lord, was preyed upon by the neglectful, callous, and
dare I say, due to the irony, the blindness of the library.
The library, and through the library, the library workers, vi-
olated his most precious rights when they sneaked up on him
and spied on his Internet activities. They sneaked like thieves
in the night and stole from him. They stole his privacy and his
dignity and they stole his freedom. The day they spied on his
protected Internet activities, they stole a piece of America
from each one of us, ladies and gentlemen. The America our
mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles, and brothers and sis-
ters, have fought for in many wars and died to protect. Or
maybe not died, but got seriously injured. Or maybe had to
enroll in a sub-standard college to avoid the draft. Or had to
go to Canada. Think about that ladies and gentlemen: Canada.
The library worker, who has since become a celebrity admits

to standing behind my client, who could not hear her behind
him. She had awareness of his abilities and of his inabilities
and she took unfair advantage of them.
According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, my client,

who is deaf, is entitled to have an accommodation for his dis-
ability. The library, having prior knowledge of this disability,
was required to install a mirror near the terminal so the man
could see who is standing behind him. By denying this fair
and simple accommodation, the library violated his rights by
not giving him equal treatment, meaning, an equal opportuni-
ty with someone who does not suffer a disability to cover or
disguise or delete his porn viewing if he spots someone stand-
ing near. My client was denied the opportunity to destroy evi-
dence which could incriminate him in a court of law, a che-
rished freedom guaranteed to all citizens from the President
down to the lowly Vice-President.
The library clearly had no looky-behind-my-backy mirror in-

20
stalled as was decided in the case of Arizona vs. Chester the

Deaf Molester.
So ladies and gentlemen, find for my client, and for America.

Thank you.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Real question, I think.
This note is from 4/10/2001.
Voice on phone: ―This is OnStar calling for one of our custom-

ers…‖
―Is it for Batman?‖ I queried.
―No,‖ the voice replied. ―Our customer would like to know if

you have computer access and fax capabilities.‖
―I thought Batman had a computer in his car.‖ I was skeptical.
―It‘s not Batman,‖ the voice insisted.
―Okay. Well, tell the person who isn‘t Batman that we have
computers with Internet access, but no fax.‖
I don‘t know why I would make up something like this, so it

must be something that really happened. It‘s not like me to lie
to myself. But frankly, I can't remember if I made it up. May-
be I‘m like that Memento guy, but instead of having a 15
minute short-term memory-loss problem, mine is 7 years.
Wow, so every 7 years, I forget everything like it never hap-

pened. That‘s weird. Maybe I should see a doctor.
I’m pretty damn sure that I didn’t make up the first part of that
call. I think someone did call from OnStar asking about comput-
ers, and I asked if it was Batman. You see how you respond if
some official-sounding voice calls and asks for something for a
client; I’m betting you’ll ask if it’s for Batman. Or James Bond.
But I’m pretty sure I made up the rest.
Friday, March 28, 2008
WTF: "WTF"
Here is an article 8 by a Keith Wilson from Northern Kentucky

University: ―WTF: Librarians quietly assisting students.‖
Now, I find this really offensive. WTF stands for "what the
fuck" and is used to express surprise, shock, or outrage. Now,
in that context, does it sound surprising or shocking our out-
rageous that librarians assist students?
No, the fucking WTF is surprising, shocking and outrageous.
Librarians help students all the time, asshole.
You can't just use WTF whenever you feel like it; you gotta
cherry-pick those motherfuckers. Otherwise, what little power
language still wields, will whither and be lost forever. If we
have no control over when we use the word fuck, then what's
the point of having it? We'll need to create a new word. And
making new words as useful as fuck isn't easy. So you
shouldn't just throw your fucks around.
http://media.www.thenortherner.com/media/storage/paper527/news/20
08/03/26/Features/Wtf-Librarians.Quietly.Assisting.Students-
3283108.shtml
22
There are rules.
Rule 3(f). You can use one fuck as a modifier during every
continuous 23 seconds of conversation, or every 71 conti-
nuous words of text that do not include an exclamation point.
Any exclamation point resets the count. That includes varia-
tions such as fucking, etc. (And nouns are in there, some-
where.)
There are no guidelines or restrictions for using fuck as a

verb. In fact, more are encouraged.
And you're only allowed one motherfucker per 12 minutes of

conversation. Unless you carry a firearm or hold a seat in
public office, then by all means, let them fall like spring rain.
These aren't my rules. These were established during the

famous Richard Nixon-Lenny Bruce meeting of 1964. It is
widely believed that these limitations on using fuck in conver-
sation forced Nixon to curb his use of it and hence, carry the
Republican nomination in 1968.
So, watch your WTFs Northern Kentucky University when it

comes to librarians. We are not "WTF: helping students," we
are fucking helping students, motherfucker!
I think this post actually earned all librarians an apology from that
student journalist.
No, it didn’t. I’m just kidding. No one cares about your feelings.
Video games bad for brain science

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) Longitudinal

Brain Imaging Project needs morbid brains. An ongoing study
9 has been monitoring the growth of teen grey matter. "Partic-
ipants visit the NIMH at approximately two-year intervals for

brain imaging, neuropsychological and behavioral assessment
and collection of DNA."
The study, so far, proves that teenage brains are very different
from adult and child brains.
"Novelty seeking/sensation seeking and risk taking," are

both causes or brain growth during adolescence and for risky
and even dangerous adolescent behaviors.
But what risk-taking is involved in video gaming? How can

Science benefit from kids playing video games? What can be
done to increase the brain "morbidity from adolescent risk
taking"?
I guess one kid could whale on another kid with a Guitar Hero
plastic guitar or a Dance Dance Revolution untied shoelace
mishap might cause a brain injury against a TV screen, but for
the most part, video games keep kids from taking any risks at
all.
Compare to my adolescent non-video-game-playing risk tak-

ing:
Dove from roof into pool.
Rocks, baseballs, pool sticks bounced off head.
Shot in forehead, from b-b gun.
Punched.
"Clothelined," forearmed, elbowed during football
games.
Crashed bike into both stationary and moving cars.
9
http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/brain_imaging_proje
ct_shows_teen_brains_really_are_different
24
Jumped off roof onto ground and other kids.

Pushed out of tree.
Fell from top of NY stoop.
Rode bike off increasingly higher ramps, falling often.
Upon landing, cracked bike in half, forever changing
reproductive ability; all future produced DNA now
carries modified gene producing offspring with innate
"fear of fractions."
So kids need to stop playing video games and get out of the
house and hit each other and jump off tall things and suffer
some head trauma. If not simply to keep them from growing
up as nerds and dorks, but to advance our understanding of
neuroscience.
Am I a joiner, yet?
I've screwed myself with this blog. Because of being here, I've
picked up lots of new stuff that I can apply to my job. But yet,
I can't ever discuss this new knowledge because I, the regu-
lar.librarian, didn't learn it; the.effing.librarian learned it.
When I am at work, I am the other guy. But I'm not learning

that much new stuff at work. It's you jerks who post all this
new crap. One day, in an online workshop, the presenter was
showcasing his site and pointed out that he has 20 subscrib-
ers (or something). And I said mine was something bigger,
and he asked what my site was. And then I realized, that no,
when I'm working, I don't have subscribers. I have no blog. I
have nothing.
But now, I'm at the point where I want to join things to learn
more, to contribute whatever I might know. But how do I join
when the part of me that knows writes a (sometimes) nasty
and offensive blog?
But I guess the real problem is that I'm really not a joiner. Not
since I was around eight or nine years old and played base-
ball. Boy, that was a good year. All I needed was to hit puberty
so I could grow some facial hair and get a razor company en-
dorsement; and then the cash would come rolling in. But,
alas, the war came and I was drafted. I spent the next five
years hurling knuckle balls at the enemy until I threw out my
arm. But damn, I looked good in purple.
I'm guessing you aren't a joiner, either. I can guess by the

paucity of commentary left on my posts. Not that they really
invite commentary; they're usually just statements or opi-
nions bundled with a few "shits" or "asses."
Well, I want to join something. But I want to keep doing this

because it's fun. Don't be surprised if I join your ning or Face-
book group. But don't worry, I'll use a different name. I don't
anticipate anyone getting too excited about having
the.effing.librarian join her group.
And one of the benefits of joining a librarian group is that you

probably won't make me get any more tattoos like they make
you get in prison or the Girl Scouts. I'm not sure how "book
lover" will go with all my crucifixes and devil heads. But if you
got something with flames, I'll pull down my pants and get in
line. (You think I got room anywhere else?)
...I'll make you a tape...
...And with those words, countless losers attempted to win

your heart.
"So I made you a tape. Don't listen now. Wait until

you get home so you don't have any distractions. Then
26
listen. But no pressure. Take your time. And yeah, you

noticed the tape. I didn't have any fresh tapes, so I
recorded over The Klingon Way: a warrior's guide.
But it's okay. There wasn't any translation on it for,
"You have a butt that would make Kahless weep." Ha
ha! Just kidding. Not really. It's just you're so beauti-
ful. And... and... well, I gotta go or I'll be late for band
practice. Gotta keep my lips in shape! Ha ha ha!"
It's here10. Yes, I know everyone is hosting tracks there. Yes, I

know it doesn't look cool.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Maybe next year.
Yesterday I had the idea that I would try to convince every

blogger to make her site unavailable for one day, April 1.
Every year people go out their way to construct bogus stories

(did you check your Gmail today?) to have fun with the rest of
us. But I thought it would be more fun if all the bloggers chose
not to participate. To not post. To not feed. To just ignore it
all.
But then I forgot about my great idea until after lunch. And
then I turned off my blog for a couple of hours. I went to the
Settings and made it restricted to just me:
Your blog is restricted so that only you can read it.

Other visitors to this blog will not be able to read any
posts; instead they will get a message stating that this
is a private blog.
Now, it's just this blog, so no one noticed (well, one person
noticed). But it still looked interesting that whoever visited
10
Muxtape is a site that hosts songs. Mine are/were at:
http://effinglibrarian.muxtape.com/
saw the message, "This blog is open to invited readers only."

It would be cooler if it said, "This blog is closed today. Sorry
for any inconvenience."
So like I said, maybe next year we'll do this. I would love to

see a news story about thousands of blogs taking the day off.
Think about it. Tell your friends.
So I'm not White.
I'm not laughing at Stuff White People Like 11. And it saddens
me, because I am a white person. I skimmed over about 20
posts before I came to #64 Recycling, which finally got me to
half-smile. It reminded me of my friend Jim who is a recycler.
I've known him since third grade and he's always been con-
cerned about his effect on the planet, carrying a little garbage
bag on the handle bars of his bike and composting his own
feces in a spice planter out on the back patio.
But I don't get the humor of the site. It's like non-humor.
Wait. Give me a sec to see if they have an entry for "books."
Nope, don't see one. Maybe they're saving that for their own
book.
But lots of people seem to think the site is hilarious. So again,

that saddens me. Because I'm hilarious.
All this just brings me back to the purpose of this blog, to en-
tertain myself. And the nine of you who laugh with me.
But if you find Stuff White People Like hilarious, don't try to
explain it to me. I still won't get it and then there will be an
11
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
28
awkward period where I will have to decide whether your en-

dorsement deserves a lie from me to give it another chance.
But I won't lie because I can't. And then the disappointment
will pass like a shadow across your smile and a tiny flame of
anger will squeeze your heart like a fist. And then we will part,
knowing that the impasse is too great.
Is this something you really want to end our friendship over?

Doesn't our love deserve more that this? I think so.
Anyway, just because I don't find them funny, it doesn't mean

I can't congratulate them on their success. So I do. And I'll
keep waiting for my email from Random House.
My Muxtape, annotated
Other than things I find funny or annoying, there isn't much

truth on this blog. Any "facts" I claim about me are probably
made-up. But I posted some songs to that Muxtape 12 site, and
I will tell a little about myself through them:
Big Dipper/ Another Life. This is one of my favorite songs. As

with most of my favorite songs, I don't have any idea what it's
about and probably couldn't sing it or recite more than a few
words of lyrics. But I love it. I don't try to analyze what I love.
I had a painting class in college and I made one painting of a
woman growing out of a tree. It wasn't very good since I'm not
good with anatomy and I didn't own any paints that could be
mixed into a decent flesh color. But still I'm proud of it. And I
titled it, Another Life, after this song. If I ever did something
that made me famous, when it was finished, like if I wrote
something that got made into a movie, I would dance at the
12
It looks like Muxtape can’t host real songs anymore. Bad, bad, Mux-
tape.
end to this song. From the bouncy beat to the jangly guitar to
words like, "left her body," I love it. Even if you reported that
it was written by Heinrich Himmler for Eva Braun's 30th
birthday, I would have difficulty giving it up. So if you have
that information, please keep it to yourself and don't try to
ruin my day.
Four Tops/ Are You Man Enough? (theme from Shaft in Afri-
ca). By the time they hit the first "are you man enough, big
and bad enough" you should be pumping your fist in the air.
This songs makes me think I have the balls to be there for you
when you need me. No, not to help you paint the living room.
But to help you kick ass. But most likely to help you kick-turn-
kick-spin in synchronized Motown dance steps.
Too Much Joy/ Susquehanna Hat Company. This is a song

that spans generations. Search for video on the Abbott and
Costello routine of the same name to see what I mean. That's
why I love it; you need to know the history to get the joke.
And so much American culture is lost. In case you don't find
it, in the comedy routine, whenever someone hears the words,
Susquehanna Hat, they go nuts for and destroy the hat that
Lou is holding. For each person, the Susquehanna Hat holds a
bad memory. So in the song, a girl named Susquehanna Hat
Company makes everyone go batshit. At the end of "the novel
of which we dare not speak," I congratulate the reader for fi-
nishing the book and announce that it's time to dance, and to
cue up this song.
Meco/ Disco Starwars. No reason. Just seemed funny.
Switchblade Kittens/ Ode to Harry Potter. No reason. Just for

book nerds.
Boa/ Duvet. The opening credit song for the anime (Serial
Experiments)- Lain. It's just a lush, haunting song that makes
the show even better. I love how the song just starts like we're
30
already in the middle of the story: "and you don't seem to un-
derstand..." Very cool.
Yatsura/ Slain by elf. Not sure why I like this, but it has some-
thing to do with when Homer Simpson goes to college and
while playing Dungeons and Dragons is slain by an elf. It's
just sounds funny.
Dragon Ash/ Battle Royale closing credits. I don't know what

this is because it's in Japanese. But Battle Royale is one of the
awesomest movies ever. High school students are drugged
and taken to an island where they are forced to kill each other
so that one will survive and be welcomed back into society.
Japanese teenage girls in school uniforms carrying Uzis: nuff
said. I imagine the lyrics are something like: "I've loved you
secretly and now I have to kill you. Our days of carefree youth
have been stolen away. Run with me because I have a plan." If
you don't have a renewed love of life after watching these kids
shoot the crap out of each other for 90 minutes, then you're
already dead.
Oingo Boingo/ Better Luck Next Time. From the soundtrack

to The Last American Virgin. What a movie. Kid falls in love
with pretty girl. Pretty girl falls for bad boy best friend. Bad
boy knocks up girl. Kid spends money and time on girl and
gets her an abortion. Kid thinks girl will love him for this. But
he is so wrong. I decided long ago that Oingo Boingo is my fa-
vorite band because they happened to be there at the right
time.
Diane Izzo/ Ground. I love the earthy predatory prowl of this

song. I always get the lyrics wrong when I imagine that she
sings, "I wanted love to be blind." I'm not sure what this song
is about, but it makes me sorry for all the times I told a girl I
didn't like her because she was ugly. For the record, I think I
only did it once, but that was one too many. And the look on
her face has haunted me ever since. But she got me back when
she called and left a message that she was Rita, a hot cheer-
leader, and she wanted to talk to me. In my defense, my mom
made me call because it was rude to ignore phone messages,

but I got Rita's number from the phone book and called her
only to have her ask, "Effing, who?" Don't piss off ugly girls;
they have boxes full of revenge to get you back with.
Spookey Ruben/ Wendy McDonald. Just fun.
So. Let's hang out. Okay?
Thursday, April 3, 2008
When the hell did I get a metric clock?
So I'm getting ready for work this morning and one minute
it's 8:00 and I go to the kitchen and when I come back, sud-
denly it's 8:10. And I look at the clock and it remains 8:10
(probably because it knows I'm watching). Then I do some-
thing else and look up and it's 8:20.
This is an analog clock, so there's no computer in it to want to

screw with me. Not like the clock on the microwave that cooks
my food for either half the time I set or twice as long, so that
I'm either biting into a frozen Lean Pocket or a boiling hot,
about to explode, one. I swear, when computers finally con-
quer humanity, that microwave is going to be the Grup-
penführer, that Nazi bastard.
So do I have a metric clock that measures time in decami-

nutes? Maybe it doesn't register 8:11, 8;12, 8:13 on its face,
but as soon as it passes 8:19:59, the minute hand jumps from
8:10 to 8:20. Is that possible? Probably not. It's probably just
a side-effect of my pouring Wild Turkey on my Cap'n Crunch.
32
The Rules of Desire.
Rule no. 1: People are lazy.

Rule no. 2: People do what other people do.
Everything you will ever learn about the Internet will be sup-
ported by these two statements.
I was just reading a post called Digital Desire 13 and realized

that everything about "desire paths" is wrong. Desire paths
show where people want to go, which it not constant. People
want the shortest path to whatever it is they want.
Now I'd heard of this before about how colleges tried to antic-
ipate these paths to create walkways through the grass. But
people will always take the shortest path to what they desire.
Move their desire or introduce a more desirable object and
the path moves with it. How can anyone keep up?
The point is, concrete and desire don't mix, I don't care how
sexy that statue looks with her eternally firm rump and erect
bosom; they still tell me to leave it alone.
So you can't anticipate desire. But you can create it. How you
prepare and what you receive are never equal. But still we try.
But I can see how the Internet can respond to desire much
more quickly than architects or city planners and create the
illusion that it can fulfill all desires.
So when you create that new app, think on-demand and not
browser plug-in or registered user or any restrictions at all.
Because people are lazy. If only someone could learn how to
manage Rule no. 2.
13
http://playfullibrarian.blogspot.com/2008/04/digital-desire.html
Now, on the Playful Librarian page with the original article,

the ShiftSpace video talks about modifying any page on the
web with notes, new code and new pictures and videos.
And this is one new thing that satisfies the rules. ShiftSpace 14
allows you to modify existing work on any existing page. For
the lazy seeking the popular, this is the perfect application.
I see the future of the web, on sites all over the world, in every
language, pages from CNN, The New York Times, Google,
Amazon.com, Whitehouse.gov, and The Onion, filled with lies
and childish pranks and images of world leaders and celebri-
ties in hilarious situations (involving farm animals). And me
never leaving my chair. Oh, what beautiful world.
I don’t do book reviews, but I was reading (not really reading be-
cause most of the comics are wordless) this collection of comic
strips and wanted to share.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Zombies and mummies and Elvis, (oh, my)
Mini review of Meow, Baby! by Jason. ISBN 1560976950.
Zombies eating people under an umbrella while it rains.

Vampires, mummies and skeletons chasing people then stop-
ping for photo ops before continuing the chase. A "Termina-
tor" slapping himself after forgetting to use his catch phrase.
Most of these wordless comic strips by Jason are pretty funny.
Some of it gets a little sexual (a few panels are a lot sexual),

but otherwise most of these cartoons are great examples for
14
http://www.shiftspace.org/, a website to let you modify any web page
you want, however you want.
34
teens to learn the art of telling a story without words. If your

library teaches kids how to do webcomics, some of Jason's
strips can be really helpful (and most are pretty funny).
I really liked one with the vampire out at a bar, but he

couldn't hook up so he gets a beer and some snacks and goes
home to watch TV; and just as he's nodding off, Professor Van
Helsing jumps out and plunges a stake through the vampire's
heart. I know I hate it when someone interrupts my nap to kill
me.
I remember after I saw The Last Man on Earth with Vincent

Price and wondered what it was like for the vampires he
hunted. Like if they published a newspaper with headlines
like,
DAYTIME KILLER STRIKES AGAIN
"We were completely helpless," reports the lone

survivor of the brutal mid-day attack. "Once the sun is
in the sky and he knocks down the door and lets in all
that sunlight, there's no way to defend yourself. And
the garlic! He it throws through the window like a
bomb, and you don't have any choice but to run,
screaming, into that deadly blinding light. Look at the
burns on my face! I barely escaped with my life. He's a
menace and must be stopped."
Council members have sent good will ambassadors

to the human's lair, but their pleas have fallen on deaf
ears, often meeting a brutal and irrational reply from
him.
Many demand a stronger response from our lead-

ers. "We are a civilized race," says the Council Leader,
"why can't we all just get along?"
Saturday, April 5, 2008
An open letter to James Patterson
Mr. Patterson, you prolific bastard, I know you don't need any
help from any librarian on how to publish bestsellers, but
please take a moment to think about this as a title and setting
for a future novel, or using "find and replace," any current
novel that is about to go to print:
According to this story from the Edmonton Journal 15:
Stabbed man staggers into downtown library
"It's the library of fear," says security guard.
I know we've made fun of you in the past, see entry at judge a
book by its cover 16, but if you would consider The Library of
Fear for an upcoming title, all will be forgiven. Okay, most.
Well, a lot will be forgiven.
On behalf of librarians everywhere, thank you for your time,

the.effing.librarian.
Equivalent Life Skillz.
15
http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/news/story.html?id=29514bf
5-fc18-40e2-bf4f-dd797afb914c&k=97569
16
Yes, they really made fun.
http://judgeabook.blogspot.com/2008/03/james-patterson-my-hero.html
36
This next post might not make sense, but it’s supposed to be my
résumé. If I had to look for a job now in the Library 2.0, gamer
world.
In place of education or experience, I would just post my Guitar

Hero score, in this case, my guitar tabs for “Eruption” by Van Ha-
len.
(And part of the joke is that there is no “Eruption” on any stan-

dard version of Guitar Hero. Woo-hoo, the hilarity just never
ends.)
Ok, so the image doesn’t look good enough, so I removed it. But
basically, it looked like this:
The Effing Librarian

Anytown, USA
OBJECTIVE: A career in a modern, youth-oriented library.

EXPERIENCE: Modded PS2 with “Eruption” by VH.
Yeah, not so hilarious.

Biesterfeld 17 still in the news
Yes, it angers me when a librarian (even when she is a "not a

librarian") is fired from her job, especially when it seems like
she was doing everything right.
But as a supervisor, I also value the probationary period that

allows me to terminate an employment for any reason. I've
been lucky so far to hire good people, so I don't have the rules
memorized, but I went through probation for my job and I've
known several librarians who also survived the probationary
period.
Even though I was doing good work, I was still never sure that
I would be allowed to remain; that final day came with the ex-
pected relief, but up till then I knew that my job wasn't guar-
anteed.
It's difficult to separate these events because I believe that I

should be able to terminate someone on probation without
scrutiny. It can take months to get approval to re-advertise a
position, and often it's the best decision for the department to
keep an average employee for as long as possible before ter-
minating her.
But I also believe supervisors and library boards should back

up their employees' decisions, as long as they conform with
policy.
All I can say is, I'm glad it wasn't my phone that rang that day
with Biesterfeld on the other end. Can you imagine being the
supervisor (yes, we're using our imaginations here, kids), fully
intent on letting Biesterfeld go, and getting that call that
someone is looking at kiddie porn? You tell her, basically, to
17
Just Google “Biesterfeld.” I don’t have time to explain.
38
ignore it, or at least not to judge the material as illegal, but to

get the guy to stop. You don't want to create an incident that's
going to interfere with your ability to fire this employee.
And as long as we're using our imaginations, here are three

other things you don't want to hear from anyone you're about
to fire:
I just saved a kitten from up a tree.

I just performed the Heimlich on Barack Obama who
was choking on a Starlight mint, and saved his life.
I just destroyed the one ring to rule them all. Oh, and
Gollum is dead.
You'd made your decision days ago and the only policy you
care about is not using any language that would indicate
praise or that you are approving her continued employment
with the library. In fact, you probably have a form ready with
some variation of this statement on it: "It is my recommenda-
tion that this individual's employment NOT be continued at
this time."
So I sympathize with Biesterfeld because the evidence still

points to her doing the right thing. But if I had that document
on my desk, for terminating an average employee so I could
look for someone better, I would have signed it and sent it on
its way to human resources. Like I said, it's difficult to sepa-
rate these issues, but I didn't get my job because I'm a nice
guy. I make my decisions based on what's best for my de-
partment and the library. And sometimes those decisions
suck.
How my dreams will kill me.

I had one of those dreams again.
I had to go to class at some college to make up for classes I

missed when I was getting my A.A. And I had this little bed-
room in a large on campus dorm that I shared with people I
never met and never managed to attend class on time, but al-
ways went to find the instructor to get an extension or some
kind of make-up work. In last night's dream, I went to a meet-
ing of fans of Kurt Vonnegut to hear a speaker discuss his
work. But when I got there, there was no speaker, and every-
one was just talking about politics and war, and then the dis-
cussion switched to Harlan Ellison, and I said that I have a
signed copy of one of his books, and that somehow made me
the highest ranking idiot in the room, so that when I left, oth-
ers followed me and kept asking me questions like I knew
something. But all I wanted to do was get back to my room
and lie down. But the school was impossibly huge and my
building was so far away that walking might take hours. And
just when I would feel alone with my thoughts, one of the Elli-
son guys would pop up and ask me something, so I had to
ditch him. And then I woke up.
I haven't had one of these dreams for years. I used to have

three different series, this college one where I had to make up
some classes and these others about streams and water parks;
here are my last notes from a few years ago:
Details-- a large body of water where lots of people

go and you can rent a small plane that takes off from
the water and I flew one several times. and others
have gone with me. I've done this for years. I fly south
for 30 minutes and land on the water (I have no
memory of using controls in the plane)
and I think we--how did we get from the plane to
the land? because we walk along the stream and the
water and there are signs that this is some nature pre-
serve or state park but there are never any people
around.
40
but I've been with someone else on this trip? who?
and then there's the water park--it has a really large

parking lot, but I've always found a space right near
the gate and there's often a line but I don't remember
waiting in it. and one of the rides is some kind of
haunted house with lots of rooms that you walk and
ride through. one ride is in a large pool with several
tracks like a roller coaster but ends in the water.
Now I understand why I only sleep for 5 hours at night. Any

more and I have these dreams of these other lives. And I think
that's what will kill me, avoiding those other lives. So I sleep
less to keep the dreams in check and live this life, without
sleep, which keeps me irritable and short-tempered.
So either way, the dreams will kill me. If I sleep 7-8 hours like
I should, I dream of a life I don't have but seem to want. If I
sleep less, I will get some disease that medical science says we
get when we don't sleep.
But damn, I sure enjoy those walks along that stream.
How the Internet kills our dreams.
I remember helping a guy get an email account and he wanted

to use his name for his username, but it was taken. He asked
how his name was already taken by someone else?
We are told we are special, that we are unique. But not on the
Internet. Our username is already taken.
There’s a site called Lifehacker 18 where you can learn really cool
stuff and mundane stuff that everyone should already know. I
forgot what I read this day that made me feel like Lifehacker is
populated by idiots, but here is my contribution to the wisdom
that is Lifehacker.
Tie Laces to Reduce Tripping
I see that there are strings dangling from my shoes which in-
terfere with my walking when I wear them. I've heard that
these strings, or laces, ought to be tied into a knot or bow to
help hold my shoes on my feet.
At first I resisted this advice because I don't always want my

shoes on my feet. Like when I take a shower, I would want to
remove my shoes first. But I'm told that these knots or bows
are not permanent and I should untie them and retie them
each time I wear my shoes.
I know it sounds crazy, but it works. Tying shoe laces is easy;

anyone can do it. 19
I'm such a chicken.
Francine Fialkoff has an editorial 20 up for the May LJ that I

had to blog about.
18
http://lifehacker.com
19
See YouTube for video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc4H6goKFB0
20
http://www.libraryjournal.com/article/CA6550453.html
42
I wrote something, posted it, then took it back, then put it on

my LISNews blog page, here 21. I wanted to write it and I
wanted to post it, but not here.
It's like when you buy a funky (maybe even fugly) lamp that
you thought might go well in the living room, but it doesn't.
Then you try the bedroom, and nope, it doesn't work there,
either. But you still like it. So you give to a friend for her
birthday.
Many friendships have ended over ugly lamps.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Call me when it's ready.
One of the Unshelved 22 guys (really, do I need to know who

they are? they make a funny cartoon and I read it. and I
bought 2 shirts, what more do you want?) blogged about giv-
ing up on Facebook, and I agree. But I believe that we should
give up on everything that announces "some assembly re-
quired."
I only use what's ready. I don't want to create any part of the
Internet. And I don't want to increase your wealth by adding
my personal info to your social networking site.
Call me any farm animal you want to the Internet's Little Red
Hen. But I am going to eat that bread. It doesn't matter how
much work you do, you need me to consume it. The Internet
is not a finite resource like wheat or bread. It relies on users to
be successful.
21
http://lisnews.org/node/29765
22
again, Unshelved is a librarian comic.
When your site's services are done to the point where all I
need to do is type or click, then I will be there. But don't make
me poke or lick or sniff or dance to earn linden dollars or
build or anything. Make it so I do something once and I'm
done. Maybe it's ten years of using search engines, but that's
all I have the patience for. Type. Enter. Right click. Save as.
That's as much as the Internet gets out of me.
I know this means it's possible that eventually one company

will rule the entire Internet, but if I'm that important that all
"not yet ready" players will fail without my help, then they de-
serve to fail.
Build it and I will use it. Don't invite me to the pool party then
hand me a shovel and expect me to dig. But when it's ready,
call me and I'll bring beer.
And guess what? If I were the dog or cat in that Little Red
Hen story, I'm waiting till that hen eats all that bread, then
I'm eating her.
Help me to help you get to "Yes"
I just had a phone call that went something like this:
The caller asks for something that by the way she worded her
question, we either have or don't have, and I couldn't tell right
away. So I gave her some options.
Me: "Right now my only answers to your question can be,

Maybe or No.
If you want a Yes answer to your question, then first
answer mine. I'm trying to help you turn that Maybe
into Yes.
44
Don‘t you want to hear Yes?"
I think this annoyed her, but I pointed out that I, too, wanted
my answer to be Yes. We both wanted the same thing.
Really, I wasn't trying to be an ass, but I asked her, "If you can
get that done by logging into that site through the Internet,
then Yes, we have that available. If you need any special soft-
ware to do that, then No, we don't have that."
So eventually she got her Yes.
(No thanks to me. Okay, I am an ass.)
Too bad you can’t see the photos I doctored for the next item;
they looked cool. The original photos from the real website are
still there 23. But what happened was JK Rowling’s dress couldn’t
restrain her boobs and almost presented one to the paparazzi.
But a friend (or publicist) snatched it and all was made well. I
changed the photo to add a wizard’s wand poking in from the
crowd as the spell Exposium is cast. Then the second photo
shows the results of the counter spell, Modesto, as Jo recovers
her magical mound.
Harry Potter creator is (almost) magically delicious
Our beloved JK Rowling almost became the victim of some

dark arts when a rogue wizard thrust his wand into the air
and cast Exposium (ex-POZ-ee-um) in an attempt to reveal
more of the author than she intended when she dressed for
23
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-558510/JK-bust-
nearly-got-away.html
the evening's events. The spell's usual effect exposes hidden

items and is most often used to cause "wardrobe malfunc-
tions."
But the billionaire authoress travels with her own private wi-
zard bodyguard who promptly countered the spell with Mod-
esto! and saved our revered (and modest) Potter mum with a
quick cover-up. Note how the caster's hand needs to be in
contact with the fleshy bits to be effective.
Look how satisfied she is. Personal bodyguard wizards are ex-
pensive, but given this recent example, well worth every pen-
ny.
The offending wizard would have been destroyed with a word,

had he not disappeared into a puff of smoke.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Did you ever try to mail a letter?
I was just thinking about flexibility regarding digital natives

and non-natives. And I wondered how flexible the digital na-
tives are compared to non-natives.
I get emails every day from people, some kids, about stuff they
can't do on our web site. Either they didn't find a book or they
couldn't renew a check-out date for an item or they couldn't
find someone to email about their complaints about the
things they can't do.
And often my first thought is, but it's right there; it says "find
books in our catalog" right there on the front page next to the
big image of an octopus holding books and CDs and DVDs in
its tentacles (just kidding about the octopus). The page with
46
the link to email me is about five clicks off the main page: how
did you find me???
And that's what made me think of how complex it is to simply

write and mail a letter.
You need to find an envelope.

You need to find a pen that writes.
You need to remember the zip code.
You need a stamp.
You need a mail box. If you're mailing a payment to
someone, you probably don't want to leave it in your
mailbox all alone and unguarded. So you need to find
an official USPS mailbox.
You need to mail the letter, not the baby.
And if it's so complex to do such a common thing, then why

do digital non-natives seem to exhibit such negative emotions
regarding technology? When I teach a computer class, the
thing I stress is that using a computer and using the Internet
is just doing the same 3-5 things over and over and ignoring
everything else. When someone says that she gets distracted
by all the ads and things on web pages, I ask, "Then how did
you get here? Did you drive?" You have a destination when
you get in the car.
If people behaved (okay, some do) on the road like they do on

the Internet, going to any page that looks interesting, when
would anyone ever make it to work or home. They would all
be crashed and mangled in front of the adult book stores and
casinos.
With everything we learn, we build an internal library of in-

formation. We scan and sift data intelligently based on that
library. We apply metadata to the new information. We be-
come flexible.
That's why I wonder about why technology, particularly com-

puters, causes this rift. Or are we all equally flexible (and in-
flexible), the natives and non-natives, but with different pre-
judices? I see digital natives and non-natives having more in
common than one might think.
Someone published a book for children called My Beautiful

Mommy where Mommy decides she needs to be more beautiful
and gets her nose and boobs fixed.
Now, there’s no point in commenting on how we sell beauty and

success to our children to turn them into monsters: we are as-
sholes. That’s what we do. And I blame God.
The first part of this next post is my interpretation of the story

the book tells, told from the child’s perspective.
Where is my mommy?
I don't look like mommy anymore. And Mommy doesn't look

like me anymore.
Mommy told Dr. Michael that when I was in her belly she got
really big and that she was unhappy with the way she looked.
But mommy looks like me, all round and happy.
Why doesn't mommy want to look like me, anymore?
I would tell her she is so beautiful and she would say how
much we are alike. That I'm beautiful, too.
48
But not any more. Mommy wants to be more beautiful, like

she was before I came. Before I was born. And that makes me
sad because I think she's beautiful now.
Mommy has a new nose, too. All tiny and pointy. How can she
even breathe through it, I don't know. She used to say that my
bumpy nose was perfect. But she said her nose was too bum-
py. Now I hate my bumpy nose. I heard Aunt Lisa say that I
have mommy's old nose.
Mommy is also bumpier on her front, all big and pointy. I

don't like her new bumps. How can she even hold me in her
arms with such big bumps on her chest?
[thank you. thank you. I would like to thank my dialogue

coach for helping me to sound like a little girl. but frankly, you
only have to threaten to punch me...]
If a plastic surgeon wants to distribute a pamphlet through

his practice with this information, great. But I hope I don't
hear about storytimes where librarians read this shit to child-
ren.
"You're all fat and short and flat-chested.

You'll never be happy with those lips.
Go ahead, pick that nose while you still got it. And
suck in those tummies."
Why do we blog?
I always thought these people with millions of hits on their

blogs made tons of money 24. So now I wonder what the hell I
do this for.
Strike that. I never did this for money. I sell shirts, but I don't
mark up the prices; I don't make anything from the sales. I
just think it's a funny slogan (―effing right, I‘m a librarian‖).
And I haven't compiled all this crap into a book, although I
still might. But man, to think that all those visits never pro-
duce a decent income is depressing.
And I'm not a social person. At gatherings, I like to get a plate

of lasagna from the buffet and stand in the corner sipping a
bourbon and Coke. Unless my friends are there, then there's a
real chance I'll get crazy drunk and dance and tell jokes and
make the fool, even at a funeral where I could end up swap-
ping clothes with the deceased. (Sorry dad, I know you
wanted to be buried in your favorite suit.)
I see some people blogging long, detailed posts, emotional,

joyful, regretful, angry posts with very few or no comments.
And I think, good for you for not simply linking to pictures of
JK Rowling's boob popping out and tagging it with whorish
keywords.
And for the most part, I feel that social networking sites are
for crap, with all the stuff you need to enter into your profile
just to look up a high school friend. It's like being invited to go
to a fun costume party but told to dress as your favorite fif-
teenth century cartographer. Screw it, I'm going as a pirate.
So thanks for stopping by. You ain't making me rich, but

you're welcome just the same.
24
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/16/nyregion/16potter.html
50
What kind of book am I?
This is an entertaining story about a group called Living Li-

brary 25. It's about borrowing people at a London library. Each
volunteer, or living book, was catalogued and available for
check out; there was Gay Man, Person with Mental Health
Difficulties, Muslim, and even Ex Gang Member.
You borrow the ―book,‖ and that person tells you about them-
selves for half an hour.
In the London library, people were borrowed several times

each for 30 minute reads during the Living Library and it
looks like it was successful at getting stories told. I just won-
der, like in some of the recent publishing scandals, if any of
the books lied.
Okay, I thought about what my category might be if we did

this in my library. I think I would be Regrets Career Choice. I
would talk about how I could have been a doctor or an archi-
tect or an actor or a garbage man or a washroom attendant or
a beggar instead of a librarian.
And then I would cry for the next 28 minutes.
5 children's TV characters I'd shag?
25
living-library.org
I just read, ―5 children's TV characters I'd shag.‖ 26 Really? I

can't imagine having any erotic thoughts over any character
from a children's TV show. Not like coming home to find the
girlfriend in a bath robe with a vodka and cranberry juice
watching Blue's Clues (I guess she had a thing for Steve, and
frankly, who didn't).
But I'll give it a shot. I don't remember watching any kids'

shows with any sexy characters.
The Bugaloos? Caroline Ellis was cute, but sexless. I mean she
was a bug.
Smurfette? Stop. Really. She's blue. And under that dress and
blonde wig, I think she was just another dude.
HR Pufnstuf? I don't think anyone wanted to sleep with
Pufnstuf; they just wanted to know where he got his boots.
And what about those dark circles under his eyes; was that
from partying all night or were they prison tear-drop tattoos
from the other dragons he shanked to win those damn sexy
white cowboy boots?
Betty Rubble? Josie and the Pussycats? No. All the female car-
toon characters were pretty generic. I might be willing to vote
for one of the Sailor Moon girls, but I was much too old to be
watching that show when it came out, so Sailor who? I don't
know what you're talking about.
So that leaves me with just one:
Isis 27. Sexy. Possibly the sexiest, non-spandex wearing live

action TV character. White mini-dress and platform boots. If
only the show wasn't so damn lame. Yes, I own it on DVD
and, man, that show really sucked. Each episode ended with a
moral delivered like brick to the face: stay in school; don't
steal; guns kill; don't do it until you are married. It just proves
26
http://timesonline.typepad.com/alphamummy/2007/11/childrens-tv-
ch.html
27
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secrets_of_Isis
52
how sexy Joanna Cameron was that I watched that show week
after week.
In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream.
Our library participates in an ask-the-librarian service and I

sometimes work that virtual desk. It's a great service, if people
would just use their brains before they attempt to connect to
it.
First, I'm not doing your homework, especially your court

mandated homework: don't ask me how many teens died in
DUI-related accidents last year. The first thing I'll tell you, if
I'm not in my usual mood, is that much of this data will be be
over a year old, so no one is going to finish counting all of last
year's numbers until some time next year. This goes triple for
all the idiots who check for statistics on January 2nd.
The Ask a librarian service can't always find you hard num-
bers, but we can give you leads.
You ask a question and I ask a question back. And you, like a
non-paranoid, civilized person, answer that question without
freaking out or asking more, completely unrelated questions.
Yes, it is normal for a librarian to ask, Why do you need this
information? or What will this be used for? It helps us to de-
cide how much answer you get, from quick to detailed. We are
not spying on you for the government. Yes, we will blog about
your idiot question or your paranoia, but that's just between
librarians. We won't tell the FBI about your question. We
promise.
Most of my questions are local to the asker and out of my

power to answer:
What is my library card number? Where is my book? How
much is that fine?
These are the chat equivalent to Where’s the bathroom?
I also hate when someone writes back, You‘re the librarian,

and you should know this.
Yes, I should. Pay your freakin' taxes so we can buy more very
expensive resources so I'll know it for you next time. [Then I
disconnect.]
And then when someone asks, How do you know how to do

that?
I answer, ―I observe what is there and I apply it to what I al-
ready know and then I take action. Monkeys do it all the
time.‖
For most people who log on to the service, there is an answer

to their question; it's called a phone.
But people don't like using the phone because then they are at
the mercy of, well, me, and often get put on hold, and then
what? They have to sit there holding the phone and waiting. I
guess they could read the paper while they wait, or they could
watch TV, or they could go to the toilet, or put it on speaker,
but when I click back and say, Hello? Hello? if you're not
ready for me, I might hang up. But when they chat, they can
do other stuff, answer email, chat with someone else, maybe a
second librarian to compare answers, who knows.
There are other advantages and disadvantages to the service.

One disadvantage, there are transcripts of each chat session,
so others can see just how much of an ass I really am. But one
great advantage is that if you don't want to answer something,
you can just claim that your computer froze. I mean, not eve-
ryone asks stupid questions; sometimes someone asks some-
thing that I'm just not qualified to answer (because Wikipedia
doesn't have an entry- really? don't all librarians simply quote
Wikipedia for everything?) and instead of looking stupid, I
just pour my coffee over the computer monitor, oops. No, you
can always take an email address and answer later.
54
I like finding the article online and emailing it. Often I'll email
stuff just because. Maybe they'll find a use for the article later.
Or maybe I just like collecting email address. To give to the
FBI.
I don’t know if you remember, but in the last book, I had a post
about “beware the head of Bill Clinton.” I made a tiny disembo-
died Bill Clinton head and I liked it so much that for this next sto-
ry, I made Reagan and Bush heads, too. The heads float along on
a chart showing US Marijuana Arrests.
A different kind of Muggles 28 book
―YOU‘RE SMOKING MARIJUANA!‖ yelled out Jack-

ie.
Four men on the corner, taken by surprise, started
laughing when they saw Jackie and her mother.
―Oh?‖ said the fourth. ―I call it... reefers, muggles,

cheeba cheeba, sinsemilla, sweet leaf and weee-‖
-from , It's Just a Plant
LISNews mentioned a children's book on Pot. And all I have

to say is, Crazy Talk... CRAZYTAAAALLK!!!! I don't have any-
thing against educating kids on marijuana. But when a book
tells horrifying and outrageous lies, I have to take a stand. On
page ten, the mother takes the child to see her doctor about
28
see Harry Potter for use of “muggles”
medical uses for marijuana. And the receptionist tells them to

go right in to see the doctor (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
Forget the marijuana. What magical fantasy land do these

people inhabit that they get to see the doctor without a 40
minute wait? And that's with an appointment.
I'm not going to point out that the girl gets the above four pot
smokers arrested by broadcasting their activity to the whole
block, so that passing cops could hear her, but what's really
amusing is one chart on the last page. It shows how arrests for
marijuana possession have gone up over the years. Note the
biggest spike in arrests (after Bill Clinton becomes President).
I want to hear the mother explain that:
"In the United States, during the 1990's, the Republicans

made all the rules, and since they hated President Clinton so
much, they were making it harder for him to score weed by
arresting everyone who might give him some."
"Are Republicans bad people, mommy."
"The worst."
"But the chart shows that more people can buy weed without
getting arrested when there's a Republican president."
"You got me there. It's a mystery, for sure."
"Are you going to vote Republican for the next president?"
"Yeah, when Hell freezes over. Come on, we need to stock up

for the next four, um, eight years."

56
How the world sees us.
I'm not sure what this college newspaper column is about, but
the description says, "Off the Wall seeks to answer otherwise
redundant inquiries written by real people on real property."
Here is one response to the question, ―Why doesn't anyone

write on these walls in the library bathrooms?"29
I, for one, have no interest in angering The Libra-

rians,…
I'm glad that at least one college library spreads fear among
students.
So these college student journalists poke around in public toi-

lets looking for interesting graffiti? Then they discuss it in the
paper. Yeah, right.
Hello. Pay no attention to me, I'm a journalist just writing

about the graffiti here in the bathroom stalls. Go about your
business.
I'm not falling for that line again. Yes, you fooled me once,
Mr. Gore Vidal, if that‘s your real name, but never again.
But I have a note from my doctor
Librarian: Sir, you can't do that in the library.
29
http://media.www.chicagoflame.com/media/storage/paper519/news/20
08/04/21/Features/Quiet.In.The.Library-3338365.shtml
Man: But it's for my enlarged prostate. If I don't do it, I could

die. Besides, I have a note from my doctor.
[The librarian thinks about it.]
Librarian: Okay, but I'm going to have to make a copy of

that note. And file it. Somewhere.
There were some recent news stories ("Study: Frequent Mas-

turbation May Prevent Prostate Cancer" 30 -- yes, that's a Fox
News headline) claiming that men who masturbate, suffer
from fewer prostate problems.
I remember a movie (just searched Charles Grodin and pros-

tate and found a clip 31) where Charles Grodin is told by his
doctor to release the tension that's causing pain in his pros-
tate and to masturbate if he isn't having "relations" with his
wife. Watch the clip if you think Grodin's reactions are funny,
which I sometimes do, so maybe that's why I remember this
scene after so many years. Surely, it's not because I thought
the doctor's advice might come in handy (excuse the pun).
So if a bad movie (Movers & Shakers 32) from 1985 knew

about the link between masturbation and prostate health, I
wonder what happened that it suddenly made news again.
Was some scientist caught with his pants down and then re-
membered that info?
No, apparently it's just Fox News rehashing old stories: here
is U.S. News stating that the original story is garbage 33.
30
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,352276,00.html
31
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/movers-and-shakers-movie-clip-
prostate/1743705485
32
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089628/
33
http://www.usnews.com/blogs/thinking-harder/2008/4/23/reporting-
on-masturbation-cancer-link-is-wrong.html
58
Either way, I'm telling all of our male patrons to hold on to

those notes.
Happy Blogoversary to me!
It's looks like tomorrow is my one year blogoversary. I don't

know if that means anything to you, but all that means to me
is that there are things I put off doing a year ago that I proba-
bly still haven't done because I've been blogging. Like the
laundry and the dishes. And stuff here at work, like repairing
equipment and ordering supplies. I haven't refilled the paper
clip dispenser on the service desk since June, and I think the
stapler's been empty since around August. And I think I for-
got to fire someone, so he's still here performing incompetent-
ly. Which deflects blame from me, so win-win!
If you don’t know, there is a popular librarian blogger named the

Annoyed Librarian and many people are bothered by not knowing
her real name. The next post is about anonymous blogging and
why someone should have the right to post stuff under a fake
name.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?
My name is Jennifer Belmore and I work in the library ad-

ministration office at the University Library at Urbana-
Champaign, IL. And I am the Annoyed Librarian.
What does that tell you? Nothing at that point. But I would
love to see what would happen at that switchboard:
"Is that Belmore? B-e-l? You said "B"as in boy, not ‗P‘?
No, I don't have anyone with that name. Yes, the on-
line directory is up to date, so you could search there.
Thank you for calling. You know, I've had 30 calls to-
day about Jennifer Belmore. Is she new? Everyone
wants to talk to her supervisor. No, I don't know who
keeps calling, but I wish they would stop. No, they
won't leave names."
I'm not trying to increase my search results by blogging her,

but I just read a few things this week about her blog and ano-
nymous posting in general, so I'm using AL as an example.
So she (the Annoyed Librarian) could lie about who she is

(and say she is and works at the above or any other location,
sorry, Urbana, I hope this doesn't create a problem, we'll see
how stupid people are on Monday) and piss off unknown
people who have to answer all the complaints about her. Or
for no money at all, she could create a website for the, I don't
know, Librarian Futures, the online journal, and generate
pdfs of fake articles where every name on the editorial board
is fake. She can have ten different email addresses if she
wanted. Anyone can do this.
Wow, maybe I'll take all my old posts and generate some bo-
gus letterhead and republish it all as pdfs and see who down-
loads them or uses them at future conferences: "a recent ar-
ticle from Librarian Futures, the online journal said, 'farts,
farts, ass, ass, ass.'"
And who would know? Everything is online; I don't need

printed matter. And Google believes whatever name I give it.
But that would be a lie. And as far as I know, AL doesn't lie.
60
The right to complain is the most fundamental human right.

"Infinite goodness is creating a being, you know in advance is
going to complain." 34 (I love that quote.) You absolutely need
to defend her right to complain. Yes, I don't care about what.
Recent criticism of AL called her ―…intolerable to the library

world…‖ 35
And that blogger calls AL's opinions intolerable, as in intoler-

able. Again, this whole, "if only you would only tell me who
you are" business. So I can put a little sad face next to your
name in our Big Book of Librarian Names.
This is why I try to protect my identity. So I don't get labeled.

I don't even want to give out my name in person. If you ask
me at the library what my name is, I just want to recoil and
protect myself. No good has ever come from someone know-
ing my name; if you want to praise or criticize my work, just
describe me and someone will figure it out. Or just put the
gold star on the back of my hand.
I feel like I'm being violated when someone (the anonymous

public someones) wants to know my name. Tell me your name
first. No, didn't think so. A name has value. We meet; we
shake hands; we exchange names. Until I can see that you're
not a threat, I'm not telling you who I am.
And if you think that's paranoia, do you watch TV and mov-

ies? It's always the serial rapist and the murderer who calls to
find the names of his victims. Or worse, it's the sales reps who
call back every day for two weeks to get you to buy some use-
less crap.
"But the profession needs solidarity and accountability."

What? And conspiracy? If things are wrong with the profes-
sion, we need to feel like we can express that dissatisfaction
34
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081237/quotes
35
http://libraryjuicepress.com/blog/?p=408
without retribution. When I read how people want to punish

AL, it just reinforces how important the rignt to remain pri-
vate is. Only people who have been victims of attacks can
know what giving up your name means.
A recent article at the Electronic Frontier Foundation 36 , EFF,

(wow, looks like effing) has this:
The tradition of anonymous speech is older than the

United States itself— Alexander Hamilton, James
Madison, and John Jay wrote the Federalist Papers
under the pseudonym "Publius," and "the Federal
Farmer" spoke up in rebuttal.
Now is AL mean? Of course, she's mean. And often too angry.

Like all my exes. But does she write about topics people care
about. She's damn popular, so she must. Is that the key here?
That her opinions threaten other opinions? That her voice is
heard?
When I read these attacks, it's like I'm watching some movie
about fifteenth century Europe where some poor schmuck is
being tormented by the Church:
"He mocks Rome and the Church by juggling in the

square."
"He juggles?"
"Yes, he juggles three balls of varying color. The pur-

ple one representing the papal office. The blue
representing the politicians. And the red representing
the people."
"He juggles the people?"
36
http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2008/04/defending-anonymity-online-
legislation-would-give-
62
"Yes, your Holiness."
"And sometimes he holds the red ball between his

teeth like an apple while continuing to toss the purple
and blue balls with one hand."
"What does this mean?"
"That the Church does not represent the people. That

the Church feeds off the labors of the people."
"Oh, surely you make too much of this."
"No, I do not. For sometimes, he drops the purple ball

and it falls to the ground and rolls away."
"What?"
"We are sure that he intentionally drops the purple

ball. We have witnessed it."
"Maybe all this is harmless. Maybe he's just not a very

good juggler."
"The people do not think so."
"What must we do?"

"Do not worry, your Holiness. I shall take care of it."
I'm glad AL remains a mystery. We should all defend her right

to hold on to her balls.
Fat. Fat. Fat.

I'm a librarian, so I'm fat. I know all librarians aren't fat. Or at

least I'll say that to keep the peace. All the other librarians are
fat. Not you.
But I'm fat. It actually uses the word, sedentary on my job de-
scription. So I sit on my huge ass for most of the day. Okay, to
be honest, I'm about 30 pounds overweight.
But I'm 4' 10" so it really shows. Or if I wanted to be really

honest, I'm 45 pounds away from my all time sexy weight
when I was in library school, went to the gym three times a
week, ran a mile each visit, benched 200 pounds on the
weight machine, and rode my bike everywhere. Being too
broke to buy gas does a lot to get me in shape. Maybe that's
why gas prices are so high; maybe some oil executive saw me
in my Daisy Dukes and wants my sweet cheeks back on a bike.
So anyway, I go to Yahoo and there's that old link on their

page again about the 20 foods you should never eat. It seems
to be in rotation. But I think it's a new list, so I click. But no, it
has the same items, especially the Worst Mexican Entrée 37:
Chipotle Mexican Grilled Chicken Burrito. Damn. I love Mex-
ican food. And I like Chipotle; the portions are gigantic for the
prices. So it freaks me out that they've been targeted as having
one of the worst fast food menu items. And the listed nutri-
tional information is insane: 1,179 calories, 47 g fat, 125 g
carbs, 2,656 mg sodium . "Holy crap!" yells my heart. "That
can't be right," says my giant sexy ass.
And since I don't know where they got their information from
(it doesn't seem to be easy to locate on the Chipotle site-- but
if you search for it, you can find a link to the nutritional info),
did some research online. And lucky for this fat man, I found
Chipotlefan with their Nutrition Calculator where I can
37
http://www.menshealth.com/eatthis/20-Worst-
Foods/16_Worst_Mexican_Entree.php
64
choose items until I find the right combination that will make
my heart explode from all the sodium. Or not. Yeah, not. So if
the calculator is accurate, there are a few things I can still or-
der that won't cause immediate death. Yea!
Yes, this was important enough to blog about, dammit. It's

food!
But the way the economy is going here in the U. S., all of our
food will just go to countries that can afford to pay more for it.
And then I'll lose that weight. It'll be the "Thank you Wall
Street for exploiting every possible way to make money by
trading on every food staple from rice to potatoes to corn" di-
et.
Have you been touched by His Noodly Appendage?
I swear if I weren't raised Catholic and completely terrified

that changing religions would bring a nun to smite me with a
ruler (for eternity), I would become a Pastafarian 38.
Although it may seem contradictory and even blasphemous, I

have been known to greet friends with, "I have been touched
by His Noodly Appendage." And yes, meaning the Flying
Spaghetti Monster's Noodly Appendage. Whose did you
think? Have you been reading my diary?
I'm still satisfied with my choice of deity, but I often think

about it because they got pirates.
38
http://www.venganza.org/about/frequently-asked-questions
Friday, May 2, 2008
Music
So R.E.M. has a new record. And it's getting good reviews. I

just clicked on their site and gave a quick listen to the tracks,
and it sounds good, like early 1980's filtered through the de-
bris of a natural disaster, a little rough, but glad to be alive.
I have good memories of R.E.M. After yesterday's post about

the old photo, I found another from 1984 when we went to see
them play at Daytona Beach (I should post it because it shows
the.effing.librarian shirtless, woo-hoo!). It was cool because
they were performing on the second stage, not on the beach,
so the crowd was much smaller. The main stage had The Fixx,
I think. I wish I could find a list of tour dates for 1983-1985
because I know we saw them at University of Miami and Flor-
ida Atlantic University around the same time, but I can't re-
member exactly when.
Another reason to like them was that they recorded in the

area and you could sometimes see them around town like the
times I saw Peter Buck in the North Miami Borders store.
Wait, is that what made me want to be a librarian? That I
wanted to be prepared for the next time I saw a celebrity or
musician in a book store? So I could step up and help them
find what they needed? All this time I thought it was because
a witch foretold that I would become a librarian (okay, maybe
not a witch, but a really, really, really, really, really old wom-
an). Damn you Peter Buck! I wanted to be a male model. I just
never had the cheekbones for it. You stole my dreams!
Or maybe I have this renewed interest in R.E.M. because I

saw a recent photo of Michael Stipe and I'm starting to look
just like him. Yeah, that's sad. Especially since I'm only ten
years old.
Oh, and thanks for nothing, Wikipedia, for this link:

66
―R.E.M. tours, The following is a comprehensive listing of

R.E.M. tours and itineraries.‖ 39
1995
Monster Tour
* May 15 - Mountain View, CA - Shoreline Amphithea-
ter
* October 10 - Richmond, VA - Richmond Coliseum
Someone want to beef that up a little? You could add one con-
cert date and increase Wikipedia's usefulness by 33 per cent!
How could you create a page called a "comprehensive" list
and give up after two items? That's not even a half-ass list. Is
two items even enough to be called a list? If you go to the
store for two items and you need to write them down so you
don't forget, shouldn't you also put down, "make appointment
with doctor about memory loss"? Can you have just two items
on your "bucket list"?
kiss Valerie Bertinelli on the lips

release a red balloon from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Is that a list? How many things did Morgan Freeman have on

his list?40 I'm disappointed in you, Wikipedia.
Now, where the hell can I go to meet Valerie Bertinelli? Yeah,

I know she's almost 50; it's an old list. Are you arguing with
the list? No, I didn't think so.
Friday, May 2, 2008
I used to think I was a writer.
39
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R.E.M._tours
40
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bucket_list
I went through that period in my teens and twenties when I

thought I might be good enough to be a writer. I used to work
in a department store and I would take the bags used for
packing purchases and tear them down the seams, fold them
inside out and write stories on the blank insides. I remember
finding a folder filled with paper bags with all this crap writ-
ten on them and that's when I realized I had to buy a comput-
er. Or at least a notebook.
I would write letters to the editors of the local newspapers and

get that heart-attack-inducing thrill when I'd unfold the paper
to see my words printed there next to honest-to-God news
stories. One day there was a call for me and the voice on the
other end told me she'd read one of my letters and was moved
enough to find my number and call to tell me. She asked what
else I'd written or published, and I told her that I hoped to
publish something some day, after I graduated from high
school.
So yeah, I like to think about what I write, like it matters.

Sometimes I care enough to go back and look at the words
and listen to how they sound in my head. But sometimes I
forget to even spell check. I used to think that writing was a
discipline, but over the years I've decided it's just luck. Some
people get to be writers and some don't. The words don't mat-
ter so much.
So as you can see, I've been lost in memories this week, think-
ing about my past. And then this picture sparked another
memory. You see that face (it links to a bigger version-you
might need to copy/paste the link 41), I wrote a poem once and
drew a picture just like that, but the face was the Earth, but
with a big eye like that and a tear spilling off. And this was the
poem:
41
http://www.menobodyknows.com/nobodykares.jpg
68
You give yourself a pat on the back for discovering the

world had developed a crack so you put a pan under-
neath to keep it from leaking on your carpet. But as
you looked up into the crack, you saw the crack was
looking back at your nice, clean carpet.
Meaning some people think that the world's problems can be

ignored and that you can protect yourself from them. But you
can't; the problems will always find you.
So anyway, I'll try not to remember too much stuff anymore.

It's just sad when some old man sits next to you and starts to
reminisce about the old days. Unless he says he had a three-
way with Jack Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe, then you listen
real good.
But sorry, I don't have any cool stories like that. Unless you
can prove you're at least 21 years of age.
The next post is just a link to an image, so go look at it. Okay, I’ll
add the text because you’re too lazy to look.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Welcome to the library. 42
Yes
You may keep your mouth shut.
You may leave that alone.
You may sit your ass down.
You may leave that food outside.
You may put that back where you found it.
You may flush the toilet after you use it.
42
http://www.geocities.com/effinglibrarian/yes.png
You may take your phone call outside.

You may stop touching yourself.
You may speak politely to me.
You may walk in the library.
You may go someplace else.
Monday, May 5, 2008
100 Lamest Excuses for Not Innovating, or for Turn-

ing Down an Invitation to Join the Office Sex Orgy, I
forget which ...and that gets me into trouble.
As the.effing.librarian, I travel around this good, nay great,

country of ours speaking to the kind folks who will listen to
my advice about libraries and the future of libraries.
And when my talk is over and the whiners have gone home to
their tear-soaked beds and I'm left with my kind of people,
thinkers, doers, librarians, and we have finished the better
part of a bottle of Goldschlager, the same suggestion forgoes
caution and raises itself up from slumber time and time again:
How's about you and me and all of us get nekkid?
And though these are groovy, happening people of progres-

sive like-minds, there is sometimes resistance. And this is the
point: if we can't bring people together for a simple sex orgy,
how can we overcome the obstacles in the profession and pre-
pare for the future of libraries?
The solution is within yourself. As you read through the list,

take note of the excuses YOU find yourself making. Especially
the really attractive ones of you, the ones who said NO last
time. The ones who said, ―If you don't put your clothes back
on, I'm calling the police.‖
70
So here are the top 25 of the top 100 Lamest Excuses for NOT
Joining the Office Sex Orgy.
1. I'm not sure how to begin.

2. I'm already juggling way too many projects.
3. I'm too left-brained for this sort of thing.
4. I'm not good at presenting my ideas.
5. I'm too new around here.
6. I've tried before and failed.
7. I'm no good at office politics.
8. I've never done anything like this before.
9. Teamwork is a joke around here.
10. IT won't go for it.
11. My boss will get all the credit.
12. Summer's coming.
13. I'm hypoglycemic.
14. I'm getting too old for this.
15. We won't be able to get it past legal.
16. I won't be able to get enough resources.
17. My home life will suffer.
18. It's against my religion.
19. I've got too much on my plate.
20. Someone will steal my ideas.
21. I don't tolerate ambiguity all that well.
22. I don't have the right personality to build a
team.
23. Now is not a good time to start a new project.
24. I'm just not not the creative type.
25. I'll be laughed out of town.
Actually, this is part of a list of "The Top 100 Lamest Excuses

for Not Innovating. 43" I found this on Dances With Books 44
(thanks!).
43
http://www.ideachampions.com/weblogs/archives/2008/04/the_top_10
0_lam.shtml
44
http://danceswithbooks.livejournal.com/40669.html
But as I read that list, I thought that those excuses could be

found everywhere to avoid almost anything. And then I
thought of the orgy thing and the answers still worked, and
even better than in the original article.
So, no, the.effing.librarian doesn't travel around giving

speeches. I don't even know how I would do that, never hav-
ing been invited to speak. I guess I could just show up at li-
braries and ask for Jean or Liz or Sue until someone gets con-
fused and lets me into their meeting. And then I could stand
at the front of the room and say a few words before anyone
figured out that it was me who ate all the donuts. That could
work.
See you at your next meeting. Don't worry; I'll leave my

clothes on. And no, there's no flavor donut I won't eat. So
don't get smart and buy all lemon-filled because I'll eat them
all just to spite you.
The next one would make a great April Fool’s joke if someone had
the time to create the fake website.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Relax: know that you're safe here.
I have good news for visitors of the.effing.librarian: I've re-

cently contracted with Blog Angels. 45
Blog Angels provides blog guard services for major corpora-

tions around the world. Many web sites are continually and
constantly monitored by corporate staff, but small blogs like
this one are often left unoccupied for hours at a time. I can't
45
http://www.blogangels.biz/ (a fake website)
72
be everywhere at once; I need to eat and work and poop.

Okay, yes I do all those things at my desk, but you know what
I mean.
So who is there to guard your blog when you are away? Who's
going to keep out the riff-raff? Have you ever seen a blog
that's been overtaken by hoodlums and thugs? I've seen plen-
ty of blogs, innocent oases for vacation photos, kitties wearing
feather boas, breastfeeding tips, and diet diaries suddenly get
tagged with graffitos, their banners pulled down, posts disas-
sembled, and feeds choked without that watchful eye or stur-
dy boot around to keep order.
And that's where Blog Angels comes in. The brainchild of Tina
V., a former Guardian Angel® and Ray O., a third-degree
black belt and former Green Beret, Blog Angels watches over
my blog to keep you safe.
Intellectual property is no joke, and neither is your security.

Blog Angels guarantees to keep the peace. With Blog Angels
on the job, know that your comments are safe from vandalism
and your visits are as uneventful at night as they would be in
daylight.
Anytime, 24/7/365 that you visit the.effing.librarian, you'll be

safe from muggings, car jackings, terrorist dirty bombs, and
litterbugs.
When you see the "winged sword stabbing a computer moni-

tor"™ logo, you know that everything is well. With Blog An-
gels on the job.
If you don't blog every day or if you're worried about what

happens to your blog when you can't be there, then try Blog
Angels: a little piece of mind for your little piece of the net.
Mention the.effing.librarian and get the first month free.

On May 7, 2008, I learned that I could take on 28 children in a

fight.46
My Obituary.
It seems like there are lots of stories out there about librarians
who close the book or finish the chapter or hit their due date
or have their privileges expire or delete their account or just
plain die.
The story tells inevitably of a person who loved to read and

share the joy of reading with others, especially sick children
and wounded animals and the homeless.
Since I'm not a reader, I guess my story would be pretty short.

But I have an excuse. I don't read because it makes me tired. I
don't know if it's processing words or black text on white pa-
per, but reading wears me out. It could also be that I can't
read more than a few words without having some idea about
something that has me off thinking about something else.
Here is me reading a book:

"Call me Ishmael."
Call me Ishmael. That is so simple. And it's so informal, like
he's my friend. I need to think about an opening line like that.
Keep it simple. Keep is simple. But is simple still popular? I
need to find a new book. What's on the bestseller list? How
do those books start? No, wait. I need to stick to the basics.
Keep it simple. Yeah. Simple. Man, I need a nap. But first, a
sandwich.
And that is why I never finished Moby Dick.
46
http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb/fight5
74
So what could someone say about me after a career as a libra-

rian? I'm not getting any younger. I could go any day now.
Especially since I haven't been able to stop drinking. Or quit
smoking. Or kick the toad licking.
So if you haven't thought about what your story might be,

maybe you should. Because otherwise it will be left to your
boss and co-workers to write something. And if you die before
me, you know I'm writing that you loved the Longarm 47 no-
vels, especially the sex scenes which you underlined with a red
felt-tip pen, adding "Yes!" in the margins.
So about me, so far I have this:

He tried never to kill anyone. Except that one guy. You know
the guy. The one who stopped coming a few years ago. I'm not
saying anything, but don't dig up behind the dumpster. Let
someone else find it; you don't want to know about it.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mother's Day founder: copyright pioneer, crazy nut-

ball
According to her obituary in the NYT (11/25/1948), Anna Jar-

vis, founder of Mother's Day, claimed a copyright to the holi-
day to keep it from being exploited. I think that's a unique ap-
proach to what is now part of Creative Commons licensing:
non-commercial, no derivative works, etc.
The article also says that "she denounced confectioners, flor-

ists and other groups whom she accused of gouging the pub-
lic," as her preferred flower, the carnation, had fallen victim
to higher prices, presumably caused by higher demand (which
she created - is that irony, or what?).
47
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Longarm
So what did she expect would happen? People are going to

change and suddenly do what you want them to do. What An-
na wanted was for people to spend time with their mothers.
Isn't that crazy? "Spend time with mom? You mean, today? I
know it's Sunday and you think we should all be with our
mothers praying, but that just means that the roads are open,
the beaches are clear, the golf courses are empty.
So I'm sending mom a nice card and a box of candy because

Mr. Hallmark and Mr. Hershey make it so easy. Look at the
inscription, 'From the North to the East and from the South to
the West, of all the Mothers, you are the best.' See, isn't that
great! I don't have to write anything. This relieves so much
guilt. And look, I spent almost $14. I'll try to stop by to see her
next month."
So like millions of you, I plan to spend the day with my moth-

er. Because I have this huge load of laundry to do, which I can
just drop off while I go to the movies and she'll take care of it.
Yeah, that would be a great plan. If only mom would let me
know where she moved to.
Since she moved away last year and didn't tell me to where, I
think she feels like every day has been Mother's Day. So good
for her. And I save the $2.50 I would have spent on a card.
And what are you doing here today, anyway??? Go see your
mom!!!!!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Double and triple-dipping in the book world.
I'm not talking about publishing abuses like:
76
Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus; Men are From
Mars, Women are from Venus, and Your Dog is From Pluto;
Men are From Mars, but Some Other Men are From Uranus;
For Men Who Are Like Mercury (Speedy) in the Bedroom;
etc.
And I'm not talking about the Chicken Soup series: for the
Wiccan Soul or for the Death Row Inmate Soul, or for the
Zombie and Vampire Undead, Soulless Soul.
And not talking about buying another Conan DVD release

plastered with a sticker for "Now, with EXTRA Schwarzeneg-
ger!" that you play the second audio track to hear 10 minutes
of silence then "KO-nun" and 10 more minutes of what
sounds like heavy breathing then "200 KEE-LOZ" and ten
more minutes of silence then "Not a Not-ZEE, Austrian." So
the production company decides to release the disk again, but
with an apology for the first disk "because Mr. Schwarzeneg-
ger was not told why he had been escorted into a darkened
room, he promptly fell asleep, and the audio-commentary you
hear on the previous release is Mr. Schwarzenegger dreaming.
So don't look upon the previous release as a rip-off, but treat
it as a rare glimpse into the soul of a great American."
And I'm not complaining about what we had to deal with in

the 1970's when I had to buy the same album in four different
formats; first on vinyl, then 8-track (because those were on
their way out and usually in the clearance bins), then cassette
(because the record started skipping), and then CD. I'm not
complaining about that since the only record I actually did
that with was the Sex Pistols' Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's
the Sex Pistols.
(Little known fact: the.effing.librarian's fantasy band is called

The Flaming Sex Poodles, named from grabbing random cas-
settes out of a box: The Flamin' Groovies, the Sex Pistols and
The Fabulous Poodles).
I'm here to complain about Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy

Book. I bought this when it was first published and gave it
away as a gift. Then they issued a smaller version of the origi-
nal which I bought for myself. Then about a month ago, I was
in a Borders and they had a new version with mostly the same
content but some added art plus a DVD. Part of me wanted to
buy it for the DVD, but I couldn't bring myself to buy the
same book a third time, even for the bonus content. So that's
what I'm talking about.
Actually, I'm not sure what I was talking about.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
DRM babies.
I'm sick of hearing kids whine about DRM.48
The minute the first song or movie was converted to a format

you could download, you should have known that some com-
pany would find a way to interrupt your enjoyment of it. You
live in an accelerated culture. And it's not getting better. Ex-
pect that after 2009 everything you've ever downloaded will
evaporate. Or worse, still take up space on your hard drives,
but be inaccessible. Or turn into Barry Manilow tunes.
This is Moore's law 49 applied to the digital world:
Your perceived ownership of a thing will reduce by

one-half every 2 years. The distance between useful-
ness and obsolescence expands or shrinks based on
popularity. More popular items will need replacement
faster as market saturation peaks sooner.
48
http://www.defectivebydesign.org/Libraries-Eliminate-DRM
49
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moores_law
78
Hence, books will always be around.
So you've never heard of planned obsolescence? Did you think

you could use this crap forever?! Oh, look how convenient this
is, that I can download everything! Convenience has been a
trap since the 1920's. Convenience sucks.
Prepare for obsolescence. I have five DVD players in un-

opened boxes. I have a record player and a collection of
record albums. I have a zombie Adolphe Menjou and zombie
Irene Dunne in my garage to act out scences from my favorite
films for me. Yeah, I dug them up and zombified them, so I
won't even need DVDs in the future.
And I'm converting all my albums and mp3s to eunuch. I got

an authentic eunuch who memorizes all my songs and sings
them to me on demand; he accepts all ID3 tags and has shuf-
fle and repeat. He eats too much, but there's always a trade
off.
Soon the only permanent thing we will have is printed text on

paper. And what do we call it when you bind those pages be-
tween two covers? Kids? Anyone?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
One reason privatized libraries will fail.
Family files lawsuit in metal bat injury case 50.
A 12-year-old boy who was pitching in a baseball game, died

from being struck in the chest with a ball hit off of an alumi-
num bat.
50
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jUbYSwlZLXBsu72aa-
7NuYShuHjAD90OP31O0
Now, this is a tragic event, tragic because a child suffered a

serious injury, but also tragic because there was a sporting
event held with children participating and no adult there
seemed to know CPR.
But what it says to me is that any "pain and suffering" can be

used to link any two events. Now, Steven threw the ball, start-
ing this whole cycle, and after the ball was hit, he was unable
to catch the ball or deflect it from hitting him or get out of the
way. Now, I'm not trying to be a hard-ass, but up to that one
pitch, it seemed to be okay with his parents whenever Steven
pitched to any other batter who faced their son using an alu-
minum bat.
So, again, up to the point of injury, Steven's parents thought

aluminum bats were safe enough to let their son stand fifty
feet away and throw a baseball at another kid who was swing-
ing one.
But what does this have to do with the privatization of libra-

ries? As long as libraries are public institutions, there seems
to be the generally accepted belief that libraries are not liable
for any injury caused by the reading of books or the sharing of
ideas. So a lawsuit like this one shows me that there will be a
point when a private library, run by a corporation, will be
blamed for some future event. For example, if a parent plans
for her child to grow up to become a doctor, but the child de-
cides to become anything but a doctor because he saw it in a
book, the library will be sued for lost wages. If someone gets
fat because the recipes in a cookbook were irresistible, the li-
brary will be sued. If a child throws a baseball and another
child hits it back with an unabridged dictionary hard enough
to cause injury, the library will be sued. Library card paper
cuts: sued; Adam Sandler movies: sued; gay penguin picture
books: sued; Harry Potter turning your daughter into a Wic-
can: sued; not enough parking spaces: sued; no cell phone
use: sued; too many cell phone users: sued; Internet comput-
80
er mouse slimy: sued; Internet too slow: sued; Internet down:

double-sued.
Now I know this is America, and everyone is free to sue any-

one for any damn thing they want, and that lawyers of the
spawn of Hell, but how many more lawsuits does this country
need?
Some people are skeptical of this suit because they don‘t see
the connection between using aluminum bats and the boy‘s
injury. One of those skeptics is right here. Now all you par-
ents with a kid involved in organized sports, go now and learn
CPR, or lock your kid in his room. Oh, I forgot, it's America;
do nothing now and sue everyone later.
And as someone who played baseball as a kid and pitched,

one of reasons teams uses aluminum bats was because wood
bats would break. I don't know what your experience is, but I
was much less terrified of a ball being hit back at me from an
aluminum bat than I was of a wood bat cracking in half 51 and
sending a one-pound chunk of jagged wood at me at 35 mph.
Is he serious? Seriously crazy!
"Bill Kxxxx is the author of numerous books of poetry and an

associate professor at the Writing, Literature & Publishing
Faculty of Emerson College in Boston." And according to the
One True Source for all Knowledge ® 52, "[Bill] Kxxxx posted
his entire catalog of poems to a blog, citing dissatisfaction
with the print world and considering his poetry 'failed' as
51
http://thenewsdispatch.com/main.asp?SectionID=8&SubSectionID=96
&ArticleID=13617
52
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Kxxxx_(poet)
'none of [it] achieved any popularity or significant critical ac-

claim'."
Wow. At first glance, Bill Kxxxx is my kind of guy; he blogs

out of professional failure. But then he seems to get a little
kooky in a recent blog post 53, comparing librarians to Nazis
because we weed books.
Deacquisition.
...
Everybody knows librarians are sexually repressed;
that is a truism, a generally accepted fact—
Nope. I wouldn't argue with that. I think I have some serious

problems in that department. Just ask my mom, my dear,
sweet, hot mom.
And indeed for most librarians the only erotic release

possible occurs when they commit the perverted act of
deacquisition, when they destroy the products of crea-
tive minds.
Well, Bill, to be honest, I tried that once, but could only man-
age enough fluid to "deacquire" a thin volume of poetry, so
that might be the reason for your anger. When I was a young
man, sure I could use "erotic release" to deacquire a whole
carton of Stephen Kings, all those 700 page novels. But since
I'm older and poetry volumes are slim, these are what I
choose. Why don't you take up writing fiction?
What do librarians do? They take the books and toss them in
the dumpster out back — have you noticed the huge dump-
sters behind most public libraries? Have you looked into
them, to see what they contain? You probably haven't, be-
cause they hide or camoflage these dumpsters,—
53
http://billkxxxx.typepad.com/billkxxxx/2008/05/philip-larkins.html
82
We don't camouflage our dumpster; it says clearly on the out-

side, "Books that Suck Ass" in large angry red letters.
You can question them about their discard policies,

but don't delude yourself they'll tell you the truth: re-
member they're public employees, they're like mem-
bers of your legislature, malfeasants who hide their
evil behind walls of bureaucratise and lies.
No, seriously, we deacquire books that suck ass. If your book

has sat on the shelf for five years gathering dust, then what do
you expect us to do with it? Warehouse it forever? Collecting
poetry is always a problem for libraries; it doesn't produce the
same circulation statistics as fiction, and we throw out the
crap that nobody reads.
I'm glad you've posted every poem on your site for others to
enjoy, but I'm really not sure why the librarian pissed you off.
Did she throw away your favorite book? It's not clear to me.
Take a breath, count to 100, then follow up your post. You
crazy old kook.
The 48-hour angel.
It looks like we all better find another career by 2010 when

Emilio Estevez releases his movie, The Public 54, about the 48-
hours when "a conscientious librarian tends to the homeless
and mentally ill people who use the public library as a home-
less shelter" during the two coldest days of the year, in Los
Angeles.
54
I remember when I first read Chip Ward's article 55 about the

homeless and mentally ill situation in Salt Lake City Public
Library. It was one of those moments of, "Yeah! Get those
crazy people out of our library." But obviously, I didn't get it.
Chip doesn't want the crazy people out of the library; he wants
a social service network created to make the crazy people
normal by creating housing and job training programs. He be-
lieves we all need to change.
Now Chip is retired (and interviewed in the latest LJ 56), Emi-

lio is relatively rich and famous, and librarians are waiting for
things to get worse. Me, I'd love to change. Make me rich and
famous so I don't have to work in the library after 2009 when
this movie gets released and every crazy person in America
shows up at our front door looking for Emilio to give them
cookies and a cup of coffee.
Otherwise, I still gotta pay the bills.
Monday, May 26, 2008
"Tarantulas are tasty...like lobster."
I've never intentionally eaten a bug. Okay, I chewed Bubble

Yum bubble gum because it had spider eggs in it (it really
didn't 57), but I've made it this long without eating bugs that
nothing short of nuclear fallout creating cattle-sized worms
that taste like a Porterhouse steak is going to get me to eat
them now.
55
http://www.atlanticfreepress.com/content/view/1306/32/
56
http://www.libraryjournal.com/article/CA6563612.html
57
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/bubbleyum.asp
84
Muscatine [Iowa] librarians issue challenge: Read and we'll

eat bugs 58. Two librarians plan to eat bugs if the kids read
enough books.
"I never ate a bug that big before," says Steve McQueen in the
movie Tom Horn when he looks down at the lobster on his
plate. But he seemed game to eat it, since everyone else was
ready to chow down on theirs.
But I'm not eating bugs. Not ever. Not even if Pizza Hut
comes up with the TarantuLovers pizza and throws in free
CinnaSticks. Not even to promote reading: I don't care if you
kids never read again.
You wanna do something to promote reading like a normal

person, follow the lead of the Library Gremlin 59 and get an
ant farm, which I think is pretty cool. Unless she's planning to
stick a straw in the thing and suck all the ants out, shoot them
onto a cracker, and chomp on them. Then I'm calling the po-
lice.
I take any opportunity to write about zombies. The previous book

devoted a whole chapter to them. So here is one more post:
"The Zed Word"
I like horror movies and horror comics and horror fiction.

Don't get me wrong, they scare the crap out of me, and I don't
58
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-ap-ia-exchange-
bugeatin,0,2709029.story
59
http://librarygremlin.blogspot.com/2008/05/summer-reading-
decoration-pics.html
like being scared. But I like knowing that the scary stuff is out
there to terrify me poopless.
When I was around eight or nine years old, I would wake up

every night and walk through the house with a flashlight
checking for Frankenstein's monster because I thought that
just dreaming about him would make him come find me. And
years later, I remember how creeped out I got when I read
Theodore Sturgeon's "It," with that final line that read, "And
Babe screams at night and has grown very thin."
So I just saw Diary of the Dead, and I liked it. I just don't get
how people allow themselves to get bit so easily in zombie
movies. And how it takes so long for everyone to figure out
that they should shoot for the head. I prefer the slow zombie
theory used in the Dead series; this allows one to fantasize
about surviving the zombie holocaust. Fast zombies are just a
horror wet-dream, creating a new problem just to piss-off the
purists.
But then the virus or whatever created the zombies could still
exist so that all future dead would still rise up. So the interest-
ing part of either fantasy would be the group of people who
survived and how they need to deal with their future dead.
That's what's fun about horror stories; not the creature, but
how the humans deal with the threat. It's fun to think of crazy
new monsters that kill everyone, hell, I do it every day. But
zombies are cool because they are both the known and the
unknown; they're people that we recognize, friends and fami-
ly, but they're not the same. So we are torn by that recognition
and the new threat. And that creates the emotional turmoil to
drive the plot.
And we try to remember to aim for the head.
86
I'll take that as an invitation... but just in case...
I've said before that I'm not a joiner. Unless your party has an
open bar, or unless I'm avoiding being eaten by that escaped
tiger by getting in the center of your group and pushing
grandma out to the edge as a stringy, bony sacrifice, I pretty
much keep to myself.
But I just joined something on FriendFeed called Librariology

60, admined by Marianne Lenox 61.
Now Marianne seems really cool, and I like reading about all
the new stuff she finds and posts on The MLxperience. Al-
though sometimes she talks about new techstuff that reminds
me how far down I am on the tech-evolutionary ladder, like
I'm one rung away from being a monkey. And not one of those
cute monkeys, but a hairy, red-assed, sodomizing, poo-
flinging monkey. Oh, so close, and I would never have to wear
pants again. (About all the other monkeystuff, well, just ask
the people who work with me; poo is flung daily.)
But what if other people don't want me to join their little

groups? What if the.effing.librarian isn't welcome at those
parties? In that case, as a service to those people, I created
this handy button. If you post an invitation on your blog that
on the surface seems to be for everyone, but is really only for
everyone else, then save me the embarrassment of trying to
join and add it to your post. Thanks.
Friday, May 30, 2008
the war is over; we lost.
60
http://friendfeed.com/rooms/librariology#
61
http://mlxperience.blogspot.com/
"That's it man, game over man, game over!" -Aliens.
Here's news from UCLA 62:
A library worker got reprimanded for telling a library patron

to stop looking at porn on the library computer. Someone
complained about the porn-viewer and the worker told the
guy to stop. But then the library administration said that
people who complain about porn are idiots who should be ig-
nored.
I don't understand how one person wins and one loses in this
battle for privacy. If the building is a public place and anyone
is allowed in, then at what point do their activities in this pub-
lic place become private.
If I use a computer to look at pictures of penises that can be

seen by anyone who passes behind me, and that's okay, then
why is it against the rules to expose my own penis to be seen
by passers-by? What if the images displayed on the computer
were taken of my penis? Is it against the rules only if they can
prove it's my penis and not a stranger's? So I can expose my
own penis to others as long as it's a digital image displayed on
a screen in the library and one can't prove that it's mine?
What if I print out the image? What if I print the image on a
tee-shirt and wear it into the library? What if I take the page
with the image and place it in front of my crotch? Is it okay
only if my pants are zipped? What if my penis is outside of my
pants but concealed behind the printed image? Are these
things okay in the library?
That's what drives me crazy about all this access to viewing

pornography on computers in the library: if all of this other
stuff is wrong, then why is this one thing right?
62
http://www.dailybruin.ucla.edu/news/2008/may/30/peepers-using-
public-library/
88
Dirty Words.
Sad. I read This Post is Rated X 63 and clicked on the links in

the post and got a little excited that I might find some popular
books with "motherf*cker" in the title, like maybe an Andy
Rooney autobiography, Motherf*cking Piles: 30 Years on My
Ass at 60 Minutes. But I didn't see anything that could make
the bestseller list.
(Warning: the following paragraphs have the expletive

masking turned off, since the "dirty words" are necessary,
IMO.)
The point of the article is that some libraries don't want to en-
able comments in their online catalogs because they don't
want to deal with the potential obscene language. It's funny
how a new medium suddenly makes us all assholes. People
don't walk through the library shouting fuck or motherfucker.
But open up comments on a web site and the fucks appear like
ants at a picnic. Like everyone forgets how to behave. And
even if you shout fuck in the library, it doesn't linger by the
check-out desk or echo tiny fucks throughout the day. But if
you post a fuck on the library's catalog, it could be there an-
noying people for days before it's spotted and deleted.
And then you need to create all new policy for all those poten-
tial fucks. Who monitors for fucks? Are the fucks protected
speech, even if the poster is anonymous?
63
http://www.libraryjournal.com/blog/1090000309/post/1730027373.htm
l
So I can see why libraries don't want to deal with the head-
aches associated with allowing comments. I wonder what the
free speech advocates will say if it becomes their job to mod-
erate the comments: "Fuck."
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Leave it to the professionals. Please.
"Stay behind the yellow line, asshole."
I take my car in to the local service station to have the oil

changed; I use a coupon that gets me the oil service, and a
new oil filter and a tire rotation, all for under $15. The down-
side is that the mechanic tries to sell me lots of other expen-
sive services by frightening me with some safety-related issue
about my car's condition:
"These brakes need replacing, sir. I don't think it's legal to use
baseball cards as brake pads."
"Screw you," I say. "Carl Yastrzemski hasn't let me down, yet."
But I say it from the other side of the yellow line. The shop
has yellow safety lines painted on the concrete floor to desig-
nate where the customer can be safely away from the tools
that can rend off appendages or demolish bones.
Now the oil-change kid might make half my salary, but that
doesn't give me the right to violate his workspace. In that sit-
uation, he's the professional, and I respect this and let him do
his job.
90
So why don't these other assholes let us do ours? Here's a re-

view 64 of The Library at Night by Alberto Manguel which in-
cludes another accusation that librarians are unfit to preserve
books.
Nowadays, of course, the idea of the library is under

attack, and many librarians seem the last people who
should be left alone with a book and a waste-paper
basket.
I don't know about university librarians, but public librarians

are a direct extension of the public: if you don't value a book
enough to borrow it once a year, then how can you expect me
to protect it? After all, Suzanne Somers continues to publish
beauty books, and I need to make room.
So yes, we preserve books, the best we can, with the limited

space we're given. The above article mentions "[t]he child-
ren's library at the concentration camp at Birkenau consisted
of eight books, but 'sometimes rose to nine or 10.'" But it
doesn't say that they had 100 books. They kept as many books
as they could store safely. One book too many, and they would
be discovered. The author doesn't reject the titles held or post
an indictment of the collection policies; he's not going to cri-
ticize them for risking their lives to read a copy of Heidi, by
Johanna Spyri. But each volume we preserve or discard falls
under the finest scrutiny.
Modern librarians are told to pack two pounds of olives in a

one pound bag. We do the best we can. If we have old volumes
on the shelves, you complain; if we discard dusty books, you
cry out for our heads.
With everything on the Internet, why can't these amateur pre-

servationists do their jobs and cease criticizing? All you need
64
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/arts/main.jhtml?xml=/arts/2008/05/24/bom
an124.xml
to do is check WorldCat for your pet titles to see where they

live, then contact someone at that library with your concerns.
Here, look, I'll get you started:
"The book, ________________, is a rare treasure, please

do not discard it."
And as soon as we all have our books RFID-tagged, we can en-

ter those concerns in the record so we don't accidentally toss
out your cherished books (or that we do, depending on how
much of an ass you've been to us in the past).
Soon, through digitization and POD, librarians may shed this

reputation as book harpies, since everything will be available
to everyone... for another ten years, until the technology de-
grades and the data can't be read, by any machine, anywhere.
Of course, there are titles this librarian would never discard:

Classic Greek Boner Plays including Lysistrata, The Collected
Love is... , and anything by Erma Bombeck.
And you can be sure that we will have a print copy of Kevin
Trudeau's More Bullshit I'm Allowed to Sell You on our
shelves because, dammit, you saw it advertised on television
and we can't get that baby back on the floor fast enough.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
How to get teens into the library.
Library director guilty of giving minors alcohol 65.
You mean, that's WRONG??!!
65
http://gazettextra.com/news/2008/jun/05/library-director-guilty-
giving-minors-alcohol/
92
I better take down those signs...
World of Wine
World of Whisky
World of Warcraft
@ the library!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Ok, it's my fault.
I've been lucky to know lots of interesting people; even the

people who visit this blog are a lot more interesting than I
could ever be myself. I may be reliable, often hilarious, and
lip-smackingly gorgeous, but otherwise, I'm not really that in-
teresting.
But when I was younger and even more beautiful (is that even
possible?), I went with a girl whose family lived in Caracas.
One summer, we visited her family there and I met some im-
portant Venezuelans. Because I'm American, they hated me
immediately. "What gives American the right to tell the world
how to live?" they argued. "Because we kick ass," I replied.
Them: "America tells us how much they will pay for

our oil. If we charge too much, they say they will stop
buying from us. So they treat us like animals."
Me: "Then why don't you find someone else to buy

your oil? It's not our fault that you only look to the
closest country to sell to; start selling to other coun-
tries and the competition will make the oil more valu-
able because different countries might be willing to
pay more for it."
These were not officially important people in the government

I argued with, but sons of important people. And this was
over twenty years ago, so these sons of important people
could be important now. So like I say, the current price of oil
could be my fault.
But I never told them to start a socialist dictatorship. That

was their own idea.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The Adventures of Mad-Cow Cow and Bird-Flu Duck
A cow stands alone in a field. A duck flies in.

Duck: I have bird flu.
Cow: I have mad cow disease.
Duck: Is that what the X means?
Cow: Yeah. They marked me, but I ran away.
Duck: Me, too.
They look at each other.

Together: You wanna hang out?
So the two of them walked along together until they
came to an county fair. When the people see them,
they run away from them until the fair is deserted.
Duck: Want to go on some rides?

The duck and cow go on rides. The duck pulls the
handle to start the ride then flies on to join the cow.
(Then flies off again to stop the ride.) They had cotton
candy. Cow won a prize ringing the bell.
Then they died.
94
Ctrl-a Ctrl-c Alt-Tab Ctrl-v
You don't know how many times a day I do these steps;

Ctrl-a Ctrl-c Alt-Tab Ctrl-v.
Whenever I want to post something I open the blog or com-

ment box then open Notepad and type my stuff in Notepad.
Then I Ctrl-a Ctrl-c Alt-Tab Ctrl-v and paste what I wrote.
I'm just so tired of losing stuff when boxes go bad, when I

click Submit and then my stuff evaporates into random elec-
trons. The words are there, then they're gone. Then I get an-
gry and can't concentrate to reproduce what was there. Five,
ten, or twenty minutes gone from my life.
So now I post then Ctrl-s to save my stuff into hundreds of ti-

ny .txt files all stored on my flash drive, until they too disap-
pear.
Friday, June 13, 2008
We are all naked.
So while I read Little Brother 66, I wondered about this fear

that the book promoted that we are losing our privacy. And it
made me realize that we are on the road to a future where no-
body will have any privacy at all.
All this reminds me of that movie, Sneakers 67, where the final
solution to all governments spying on each other is to have
"no more secrets." I wonder if in the future, we will agree to
66
by Cory Doctorow
67
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105435/quotes
be completely naked, to put all our secret thoughts and beha-

viors out into the open for everyone to see. Much like the ori-
gin of the handshake (that I made up):
In an ancient land, there was a king who enjoyed sur-

prises. Acrobats, sorcerers, magicians and transves-
tites all visited the royal palace to amaze the king with
their secret talents.
One day a master of performing illusions with playing

cards appeared before the king. He raised the sleeves
of his robe to reveal bare arms and seemingly empty
hands, but out of thin air, he produced a playing card.
Wide-eyed, the king applauded for more. The illusion-
ist produced another card and another and another
from right in front of the king's nose, and all by what
could only be magic.
The king wished to possess this magic, so he had the

illusionists hands cut off. He shook the hands vigo-
rously, but the king could not make the cards appear,
so he threw the hands into the pile with the other
hands and various body parts .
Soon word got out that the king was mad and that he
sat upon his throne of severed hands muttering about
how someone keeps grabbing his butt.
So to protect themselves from the king's madness and

to keep their hands, from then on, all people, upon
meeting a stranger, would thrust out their hands and
allow the stranger to shake them and examine them
for cards.
Last week Google opened their Health site "vhere ve keep zhe
seekrets." Google is always trying new things, collecting usage
96
data, evaluating the variety of data, sending it back down to

The Master, The Dark Lord, then abandoning those things or
continuing to use them depending on the results. Remember
Froogle? Which became Product Search? Which seems to now
be Mobile Product Search? I'm not sure if they've given up on
that or not because it's still functioning (if you go to
froogle.com) in beta, but they don't use that name to describe
it. Google has a bunch of stuff in the lab, but I don't see
Froogle as an active tool. It's not a big deal, but it shows that
companies can abandon a product whenever they want.
So what happens to all the medical records if they abandon

this project, or if any website that provides a similar service
decides to quit or sell their assets to another company?
Eventually there will be a day when we have no secrets, when

we're essentially naked before each other, but in my belief sys-
tem, that ain't happening till after I'm dead.
I don't know how these databases can function. I believe that

the one truth we all share is that we lie. That's the most basic
rule of privacy. Your mom might warn you that some day that
lie will come back to bite you in the ass, but everyone knows
that much more often, it's the truth that leaves the deepest
teeth marks.
This next post is probably the first time I really thought of quitting
this blog. I always knew I would quit, that it was a limited jour-
ney, well, that I wouldn’t give a shit about this indefinitely. And
so if you’re reading this, then you know that the blog ended. Be-
cause, well, that was the point; to finish the blog then compile
the book.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
very unhappy.
I am absolutely unhappy with the amount of work I'm sup-

posed to be doing now. I don't see any way to get it all done.
The amount of work I'm hiding in the closet and under the
cushions and sweeping under the rug would be enough to
keep another FTE busy.
If I can just get through June...
I don’t mind posting large quotes from The Associated Press be-
cause it’s out of protest. And I think that’s protected free speech
so they can’t sue me for it, unless it’s clearly a nuisance suit.
Fair Use.
Stolen from here 68, "[AP VP Jim Kennedy] says they don't
want to cast a pall over the blogosphere but that they want
blogs to use short summaries, rather than even short quota-
tions."
Apparently, the Associated Press doesn't want anyone to steal

their content. And by stealing, they mean repeating. Like if I
wanted to tell a friend about a story I read, I'd say, "Dude,
some guy went nuts today and he
www.ap.org/stories/SITE=114355678933.htm. Isn't that awe-
some!" Or maybe if it appeared in print, I might be able to
hold up the paper without violating the AP copyright.
What they want you to do is this:
68
98
What kind of web or intranet use would you

like?
Free Web Post. Post this article on your website, blog,
social networking page, or intranet for a limited time,
free of charge, with ads. Includes the AP logo, copy-
right notice, and links. You can link to the article or
display it using inline frames.
Instant Web Post. Get a web-friendly version of this
article instantly. Includes the AP logo, copyright no-
tice and links, with no ads. Hosted by iCopyright and
guaranteed available for the term you specify. You can
link to the article or display it using inline frames. Use
this option if you don't want ads and want to post the
article longer than 30 days.
Excerpt for Web Use. License parts of this article for
republishing on your website or intranet. Pricing
based on the number of words excerpted.
So from now on, if I need to blog about an AP story, I can only

summarize the story. In other words, I retell the story to make
it mine. Which now becomes my story and my copyright. The
AP can't copyright names of geographic locations or chrono-
logical dates or individual's names, so I can use those freely.
But the events, I will make up. They probably also don't want
us to use personal quotations, quotes which are statements
made by individuals who may dispute this forfeiture of own-
ership:
"I'm sorry, you don't own what you said. The second
the AP reported your words, they ceased to be yours.
If you want to maintain control of your property, keep
your mouth shut and blog your thoughts later."
The Associated Press can kiss my ass. Or was that a given?

forgot to zombie blog
There's a thing called "Blog like it's the end of the world"
(search: BLITEOTW) where you're supposed to pretend
there's a zombie uprising, but yet pretend that it's not so bad
that you don't have time to get on the Internet, log in, and
blog about it instead of running around and screaming, "I told
you so! You said it couldn't happen, but I told you so. Who's
crazy now?"
But I forget to blog that day. I think I forgot last year, too. But
I'm not worried. I'm ready for the real zombie apocalypse
when it comes.
The trunk of my car contains:
1. crowbar- for prying, destroying stairways, bludgeon-

ing
2. machete- for slicing
3. matches- for burning
4. holy water- in case it's really a vampire or Paris Hilton
apocalypse.
So don't worry about the.little.ol.effing.librarian. And whether

it's either a zombie or vampire apocalypse, it's a good idea to
wear a turtleneck. And that's the only time. Unless your aunt
knits. And you're six-years-old.
Remember: turtleneck sweaters deflect zombie and vampire

attacks, but look dorky in every other situation. Unless you
travel back in time to 1969 to a party at the Playboy Mansion,
then you're swingin', baby!
100
The Associated Press still sucks, but so do we.
Usually I make a bad joke, or several, about an issue and then

forget about it. But I found my way back to this issue through
Angel Rivera 69 and I have some extra thoughts.
Some bloggers want you to boycott the Associate Press be-

cause the AP want to limit fair use 70. They want to guarantee
that they get some financial compensation from our using
their property. Whether it's an ad or actual money, they feel
that whatever they publish, they should control, completely.
And then "fair use" will get a new definition created by them
which will be completely one-sided and totally unfair. So for
that, the AP sucks. If you agree with that, then click the link
and join the boycott.
But I feel it is also we who suck. We right-click and paste con-

tent and links without giving proper attribution. If I wrote a
formal paper and didn't credit my sources, you'd call me a
plagiarist. So why doesn't anyone care when bloggers omit
that source credit? If you intend to have your opinions taken
seriously, you should be expected to cite your sources.
If news sources want me to give them credit, then they should

consider adding MLA and APA formatted citations to their
stories like paid databases provide. Then we lazy bloggers
could copy and paste that info to add to our posts.
As I commented on Angel's page, I'm not boycotting the AP,

I'm just ignoring their claims, for now. But I do expect that
some time in the future we will start citing sources in our blog
posts in footnotes and not just linking to stories. For "fair use"
69
http://itinerantlibrarian.blogspot.com/2008/06/does-associated-press-
need-to-learn.html
70
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fair_use
to be truly fair, we bloggers should be required to do a little

more work.
Yes, the AP still sucks, but we're librarians, and we should

know better.
[note: I always have trouble referring to organizations,

whether to use singlular or plural; it's supposed to not matter
as long as you are consistent...never sure if I am. oh, god, I
used to be so smart. what happened?]
For some reason, someone asked to be a guest writer on my blog.

And for another inexplicable reason, I agreed and posted the ar-
ticle. I never did that ever again.
Why have a guest poster?
Today I have a guest author. She (he, who knows about real
identities, anyway) emailed the.effing.librarian and asked if
she could write a post to increase her web presence. I don't
know what writing for this blog could do to help anyone's vi-
sibility on the web; it sure hasn't helped mine. But 13 of you
have purchased "effing" merchandise, so there is a very good
chance that I could travel the globe for the rest of my life and
still never meet one person wearing my tee-shirt.
If you googly Heather's (the guest) email, you'll find her many
guest contributions on many sites. So I'm not sure what bene-
fit there is to posting on other's blogs. On the one hand, you
become more visible, but on the other, you become more visi-
102
ble. I avoid being visible: I am the boy/ that can enjoy/ invisi-
bility 71. (But I heard it from Sonic Youth, not Joyce.)
If you ever want to spot me at a conference, look for the guy

who's trying not to be noticed. I understand my weaknesses,
and given too much attention, I will abuse it. Just watch the
video of me giving the toast at my friend's wedding reception,
or any wedding video where I appear, for that matter.
I don't comment so much on blogs because I'd feel like a

whore, overused and easy. But I try to visit and comment on
sites where I think an appearance might be welcome or at
least not given a swift boot to the ass. If I've commented on
your site, I'm sorry, I was probably drunk. Or horny: God, you
are so hot.
No one has invited me to write for her blog nor has anyone
offered to write for mine; as much as blogging is supposed to
be part of the family of social media, blogging is mainly a soli-
tary pursuit.
Wait, I take that back. Birdie at LISNews asked me to contri-

bute, but since I didn't think I could guarantee writing any-
thing that wouldn't embarrass her or Blake, I declined. But I
comment there and I have a blog there, but I don't claim to be
a contributor.
Ultimately, the answer to why I have a guest poster is, she

asked.
Again, I wonder why any of us do this. Is it better to be slog-

ging through the web alone, or is it better to band together
and battle grues. What would we do if this were a mmog?
I don't know if the.effing.librarian will become a brand. I will

edit all these posts into book form some day, and that could
become something I might prize.
71
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4300
But there's always the question of why do we do this? To help,

to entertain, I don't know. Before I named this blog, I thought
I was going to call it The Dude Librarian. I guess I could have
begun each post with "Dude!" like, "Dude, today we have a
guest contributor." Gosh, why did I abandon that idea?
Here is a snippet of a message I sent to someone on

4/26/2007: "a dude librarian, hey, maybe I should have a
blog called 'the dude librarian'..."
But on the same day I opened my Gmail account under the

current name; what made me think of the.effing.librarian???
Weird.
[note: the current Wikipedia entry for Evol has been edited to
remove "the lines 'I am the boy/That can enjoy/Invisibility'
from 'Secret Girl' are lifted from James Joyce's novel Ulysses,"
so I wonder if there is no confirmation that the lines are from
Joyce, or heard elsewhere.]
An Open Letter to Everyone I Will Ever Piss Off.
It's difficult for me to make a joke without making it seem like

an insult. Recently, I posted something on LISNews about,
well, read it:
"Who else got "Colleen" drawn in their Unshelved

book? at least, I think it's Colleen. it's sort of a cloud
or lake landscape with the twin setting suns of Ta-
tooine... no, wait, it's Colleen.
Did anyone else order Frequently Asked Questions to
get the bonus drawing and autographs (it looks like a
"G-something" and "B-something-with-a-dot")?
104
Just wondering if Bill varied what he drew and what

the distribution might be and how rare each drawing
is and how collectible and which mylar bag should I
use and how much will it be worth in five years and
does anyone ever read my blog?"
For those who don't read Unshelved, the authors are Gene
Ambaum and Bill Barnes. And after I wrote that, I tweeted
Bill the link to the question, and he replied:
Yes, that's Colleen. As a rule each book has a character

and catchphrase that I scribble in it when signing.
That way we don't have to think about it, which is
good when we're signing hundreds and hundreds of
books. For FAQ it was Colleen and the catchphrase
was "Don't ask us!". But anyone who asked for some-
thing specific got it.
Some cartoonists offer "artist editions" of their books
for an additional dollar amount, with real took-some-
time drawings. I don't pretend that this is what we're
giving you for being nice enough to preorder. But then
we didn't charge you for it either :-)
I didn't mean sound ungrateful for the drawing and signature.

But as a consumer, I feel I always have a right to criticize,
even when the product is free. I'm sure if I ever get to Heaven,
I'll complain, "You mean I obeyed three of those Command-
ments for this?"
You could argue that the drawing and signature wasn't free,
since it was a bonus offered to induce a purchase. But still,
Bill doesn't need to cramp up his drawing hand to sign a
couple hundred books in order to get people to buy; he could
have produced a limited edition postcard or mini-poster or
bumper sticker.
When authors and artists offer these gifts (I also purchased a

copy of Little Brother by Cory Doctorow through the mail for
the signature and inscription and free shipping offer that
Borderlands 72 made), we should be polite and say "thanks"

and not be assholes. Otherwise these authors will discontinue
these practices, and we will have to wait in long lines at boring
conventions just to get something signed.
So, thanks Bill. I will cherish my scribble. Until I sell it. To-
morrow.
Good. That's done. I don't need to be adding more names to

my other blog 73.
Google, on my shoulder.
"In the trial of a pornographic Web site operator, the

defense plans to show that residents of Pensacola are
more likely to use Google to search for terms like
'orgy' than for 'apple pie' or 'watermelon.'" 74 (NYT)
Okay. I am not a lawyer, nor am I very bright, but I will try to

explain what could happen from a trial like this.
The attorney for the defense wants to use Google's database of

searches sorted by geographic area to define what community
standards should be based on keywords used in those
searches.
The lawyer is trying to show that you like porn, no, that you
love porn. He wants to define community standards based on
what you search for on the Internet.
72
http://www.borderlands-books.com/
73
http://sorryforbeingsuchadick.blogspot.com/
74
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/24/technology/24obscene.html
106
I don't know about you, but I can find porn on my own,

there's a whole folder full of it in my favorites; I don't need
Google's help. But I do need help with baking an apple pie or
gauging the ripeness of a watermelon. The only time I use
Google to search for orgy information is when I need to know
how soon after one should I send out the "thank you" notes
(Miss Manners advises within 48 hours of the last guest leav-
ing the orgy).
All this googling is only going to establish a community stan-

dard for computer users who use Google to find stuff. And
regular porn is easy to find. But what if you need monkey
porn? So Google registers a large percentage of monkey porn
searches. Does that mean that my community loves monkey
porn because I search for it twenty times a day? No, it just
means that a subset of the original subset like monkey porn. It
isn't a random survey. It's like using Mötley Crüe fans to esti-
mate the total number of black widow tattoos and declare that
40% of USA residents have black widow tattoos.... not scien-
tific, just bullshit. But fun.
If mining Google search data becomes the norm for defining

community standards, then what's to stop anyone from pol-
luting that data. Is Google going to throw out disingenuous or
bogus searches? What if the local church has its members
search for love and Jesus and Savior and Bible? And what if
the defense attorney bombs the search with millions of pony
sex searches? Or rape searches? Or murder? Do rape and
murder become legal community standards because Almighty
Google says so? I'd bet there are thousands of searches for
porn and even child porn in any community.
Internet searching is impulsive. "Hmm, monkey... porn. Ooh.

Gross." So now, I've condemned my community to a future of
monkey porn video shops?
The next logical step in this is having thought police or having

Google ask before you submit a search, "Are you sure you
want to search for 'dolphin orgy'?"
Now that I'm Feeling Lucky button sounds more like Dirty
Harry asking, "...Ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky?
Well, do you, punk?"
Because the next logical step would be for the state prosecutor
to lose the case intentionally. Ponder this: if we allow Google
search results to define community standards, in essence, be-
coming an accurate and even legal snapshot of a community,
then what would stop law enforcement from performing the
same search to gauge criminal activity in a community. If we
are what we search, then if you search for how to hide your
weed, then you are criminal. If you search for how to secure a
child slave in your basement, then you have just established
probable cause for law enforcement to get a warrant to get
Google to turn over your IP address and then to get your pro-
vider to turn over your personal information and to have you
arrested.
The point is that no one should be spying on my searches just

as no one should be spying on my thoughts. That Google
keeps this information is just another reason that I never go
on the Internet without wearing a disguise. Today I'm dressed
as Raggedy Ann; tomorrow maybe Postmaster General Sa-
muel Osgood. See if you can find me now, you bastards.
[sorry, forgot to give credit to where I originally saw this, here

it is.. 75]
This is another one of those posts I make that really amuse me,
that I spend some time creating and hope others will laugh at. I
had to make a fake web page (not online, just the html for it and
open it in a browser) and take an image that I posted along with
the article.
75
http://librarianwoes.wordpress.com/2008/06/24/google-search-data-
may-determine-what%e2%80%99s-obscene/
108
It looked like a search engine with a search box. And I think it

fooled a few people.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?
"Does she love me?"

"Will I get the job?"
"Should I see a doctor about this rash?"
"Where should I hide my stash?"
"Does my boss know the real reason I'm not at work?"
According to the New York Times 76, "You‘re not supposed to

use the Internet like a Magic 8 Ball."
Yahoo Answers is supposed to do it, but Wikipedia isn't de-

signed to do it, and Google can't do it without some help;
therefore, we here at Effing Labs have done it for you.
Since the goal of the.effing.librarian is to increase brand

awareness and spread the love, we've designed a new website
where you can go and search for ways to make your life better:
www.WhoSaysEffingWhat.com.
How the Gosh Darn Thing Works:

Input a term and click the appropriate button and the search
function will sort out results based on proximity and general
approval comments such as: sucks, disappointed, crap, loved,
great, etc.
76
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/29/magazine/29wwln-medium-
t.html
The actual search string is a trade secret, but it attempts to lo-

cate the term partnered with its contextual meaning, either
positive or negative.
If some writes, "I hate bananas," and you search for the key-
word bananas and click on the Go For It button, that page
will not show up in the list of results, but it would show if you
click the Stay Away button. We have tested it, and it works.
And for stuff other than bananas, duh.
One added note: Before you try this site, remember, it doesn't
really exist, and I made it up.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Who are you?
This shit pisses me off. I don't know about you, but I don't like
giving away my life to some company, even if it's one memory
at a time.
Recently, I had to take an online test, so I had to register un-

der my real name and use a real credit card. Yes, my own cre-
dit card and my own name and not one of the names I got
from a child who died in infancy that I use in my other life as
an international assassin and poet.
So now they have my real name. But during the test, I'm
asked questions like:
"Name five people who are close to you." And, "Have you ever
had a major illness?" "Where did you attend high school?"
110
The New York Times says, "These are some of the commonly
asked 'fallback questions' that Web sites pose to users who
need to reset their passwords." 77
In this case, these questions were meant to confirm my identi-

ty during the course of the test. After one hour I'm asked to
name my high school; another hour later, I need to put down
my major illness. This is to keep me from allowing someone
else to take part of the test for me while I go out for a smoke.
But it didn't matter where I went to school because I lied to

the online test. I kept my answers on a sheet of paper to refer
to later if I needed to remember.
I lie to every website. I have a dog. I have a cat. I have a ferret.

I am a man. I am a woman. I'm 90 years old. I'm a newborn
babe. I am Portuguese, German, Black, Asian, an architect, a
sandwich, rich, right-handed, web-toed, music hater, bubble
gum lover,...
I don't want these companies to associate these traits or pre-

ferences or likes or dislikes with my true self. So I will always
lie. At my age I can't remember which high school I went to
anyway.
One day, I will take all those fake profiles for each of my ac-
counts and combine them into a real kick-ass superhero. Or
maybe they'll just add up to me.
Monday, July 7, 2008
"And oh, yeah, Kiss My Ass!"
77
http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/01/falling-over-fallback-
password-questions/
I don't know if I'll ever live long enough to fulfill my dream of

telling an employer to kiss my ass. The job I have now is pret-
ty good. No, very good. No, absolutely freaking awesome. I
have almost complete autonomy in that people leave me
alone. They assign me things to do, and then I do them, and
then they go away. It's a perfect arrangement.
So I feel sad for librarian Ray Messing, but I also have respect
because her employer was making her job impossible, and she
quit.
This story 78 says that on June 18, Ms. Messing announced

that she would retire as of the Children's Library because she
had been reassigned to "a project indexing historical obitu-
aries in the library basement."
And then in a separate paragraph of just one line, it says, "On

Friday, June 28, Ms. Messing did actually retire from the li-
brary."
She didn't drop her bloomers and tell everyone to kiss her ass,
but she said she would do something and she did it.
You could argue that Messing is one of those old librarians

who shushes noisy children just once then boils repeat viola-
tors in oil to brew her potions. Because after that final Board
meeting she said, "We disagreed over what was appropriate
behavior for children and caregivers in this tax supported
public space." So maybe she didn't want a modern Children's
Room with computers and too many windows to let in too
much light to spoil her bat tongue and eye of newt concoc-
tions. It's possible she was on her way out anyway.
78
http://www.larchmontgazette.com/2008/articles/20080628raymessing.h
tml
112
But still, how often does a job turn sour and the right mo-
ment. Maybe she was planning to retire anyway. Who knows?
But wouldn't it have been the coolest if she could have re-
membered to say those three little words?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
How not to steal library books.
Let this be a lesson to criminals everywhere: if you steal

$35,000 worth of library materials, you'll probably get
caught. Maybe.
Some guy in the Denver area was convicted of stealing library

materials, a reported 1,400 items. One library system esti-
mates his overdues at $11,000.
See, this is why people steal from libraries. You can run up
huge fines for unreturned items, which could go to a collec-
tion agency, but more often just gets added to your account.
And the idea that he could have out 300 items 79 on each of
his seven library cards is amazing. "'One day when he tried to
check out a 100 (items) or so, we said: 'That's probably
enough.''"
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! That's probably

enough? No, that fucking is enough! Now that the asshole is
convicted, did you go back and deduct those circulation statis-
tics from last year's totals? No, of course not. All you care
about are the numbers.
These libraries are just begging people to steal from them. So

many libraries don't require any ID for a library card. Or they
79
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN
_15_5657584,00.html
allow unlimited borrowing privileges. You have people who

wonder how our profession is crapped-upon by the public and
our elected officials; it's because we devalue ourselves!
We are caretakers of privacy and we are caretakers of proper-

ty. We are given a responsibility to manage all this property,
and we continue to perpetuate an environment where crimi-
nals thrive. "Sure, take 200 DVDs. Sure, hang around in the
bathroom for hours. Sure, intimidate other patrons and li-
brary staff."
You can hate me if you want, by my library will not turn into a
fucking circus on my watch.
And for all you would-be thieves, here is lesson one on how to
steal library materials:
Get some Avery 8160 labels and print out this image
(―WITHDRAWN‖). That gives you 30 automatic Withdrawn
stickers. Now, when you steal crap to sell on Craigslist, put a
sticker over the library label or somewhere on the title page so
the customers don't get too suspicious.
Or ideally, move to Denver, but keep your check-outs to 99

items at a time.
Friday, July 11, 2008
My most prized possessions.
If you ask a mother what she would grab first in the event of a
fire, she would answer, her children. If you asked the father
the same question, he would answer his Dan Marino auto-
graphed football and then his wallet and then his children.
If you asked the.effing.librarian what would get saved in the

event of a fire in the cardboard box he sleeps in behind the
114
Late Nite Laundry, he would answer, without hesitation, his

collection of naked lady pens.
I love naked lady pens, or as they are otherwise called "tip and
strip" pens, or float pens. I didn't know that there are collec-
tors 80 of float pens or that there are patents involved in re-
moving the ladies' clothing. If you look at the image, you can
see that the "clothing" slips away to reveal the lady beneath.
The patent page on the design is pretty interesting.
Whenever I pick up my naked lady pen, I imagine that I've

just been elected the President of the United States of Ameri-
ca. And as I take the Oath and prepare to sign my name into
the Big Book of U.S. Presidents, the Chief Justice of the Su-
preme Court realizes that he left his pen in the toilet where he
was working on the day's Sudoku puzzle.
Pulling my naked lady pen from my jacket pocket avoids any

embarrassment:
"Here, let me just sign with my naked lady pen."
"Let me see that. Why, look. She disrobes and dresses as you
alter the orientation of the pen. You card! That is most amus-
ing. The pleasure you must derive from such a spectacular
writing instrument. You will be our most popular president,
ever, as you are a true man of the people."
"Thank you, Chief Justice. Would you indulge me by pulling

my finger?"
The universal appeal of the naked lady pen has now spread to
the golfing community in the form of the Putt-Her (click for
video 81), naked lady golf club.
80
http://www.floatabout.com/
81
http://readygolf.com/info/video/putt_sor15_275_360.swf
I wonder what other products might benefit from the naked

lady pen technology... Or is it, that the naked lady pen is the
perfect model of form and function? Yes, that must be it. By
comparison that golf club is pretty stupid.
I guess you could create a sleeve where you could insert your
library card (or a smaller "key-chain" version on flexible plas-
tic) and your library logo would appear and disappear to cover
or reveal your library barcode.... that could work. But not as
well as dressing and undressing a tiny lady. Or dude. But I
don't own any of those naked dude pens. Not yet.
iPhone users: poor planners
I was at the mall today and saw the long line outside the Ap-
ple store for the people waiting to buy the new iPhone. And
the Apple employee was busy handing out bottled water to the
thirsty customers.
On the surface, this is a nice gesture; the customer is waiting

for several hours to buy a phone and will probably get thirsty,
so you provide water.
But then I thought, what idiot waits in line, knowing in ad-

vance that it might easily be two or more hours and doesn't
bring a snack and a drink? Apparently, many iPhone custom-
ers do.
You'd think Apple would use this as a test for who shouldn't
have an iPhone:
Did you know there would be a line?

No, why would there be a line?
Sorry, no iPhone for you.
116
Wait. Yes, I knew.

So you know there would be a line?
Yes.
Do you have a granola bar with you? Twinkie? Pop Tarts?
Um, no.
Gum?
No.
Go-GURT?
No. What's that?
It's yogurt in a squeeze tube.
Ew. No.
Mentos?
No.
Juice box?
No.
Mountain Dew?
No.
Skoal? Red Man? Marlboros? Weed?
Sorry.
Just kidding. But do you need weed? Cuz I got the shit. No
fooling.
No.
Raisinets? Chunky? Sno-caps?
No.
What the hell is wrong with you? We don't want your type
associated with the iPhone. We have a multi-million dollar
marketing campaign showing how awesome the iPhone is,
and by extension, the iPhone user. You, sir, are not by any
degree, awesome. You are a putz. Go back to your prepaid
TracPhone. What were you thinking when you set out today?
Or maybe you didn't think. Did you leave the oven on at
home? Did you feed the cat? Is your car still running out in
the parking lot with your Nanna sleeping in the front seat?
Do you think we want you leaving our iPhone on the sink in
the bathroom at Arby's? We don't want to hear that you
dropped it in the toilet and that you expect a replacement.
And we don't want to hear that you take our iPhone into an
Arby's. And no Taco Bell, either. Have you had a colonosco-
py? You should if you're eating that crap. Come back after
you've had one.
Racist library program exposed in NC
(ok, kidding about the racism.)
So the University of North Carolina has almost $900,000 to

trick "12 minority students to attend the school‘s two-year
graduate library and information studies program."
The story says, "In preparation of an anticipated shortage of

library leaders across the board due to retirement, and to ad-
dress the long-standing scarcity of library school faculty and
librarians..." 82
Why are they doing this? There are no library jobs for these
kids. Libraries across the country and around the world are
eliminating professional positions. Why would a university
run some poor students though a program, knowing in ad-
vance, that there will be no place for them to work? Where are
these jobs? Just type library cuts jobs into the googly and
see what you get. Or ask the Annoyed Librarian who writes
about this often. Or read the librarian shortage myth page 83.
"[A]lthough it is possible to obtain a generous salary

depending on the job and employer, the pay, in gener-
al, starting out, is typically not as high as in other
more visible professions – medicine, law, business, for
example. Library officials at UNCG say, however, that
increased pay does come as one 'moves up the ranks,'
82
http://www.carolinapeacemaker.com/News/article/article.asp?NewsID
=89865&sID=4
83
http://librarian-shortage.blogspot.com/
118
noting a six figure salary is probable for a library di-

rector in some cases."
So it's a Ponzi scheme? Can library officials only move up if

there are new librarians to push up from the bottom? Is this a
selfish move on the part of the UNC library administration?
Wouldn't they best serve their students by getting them into
medical or law programs? Why are they throwing this $900K
away?
"The money will also pay for tuition, stipends, textbooks and
medical insurance,.." The idea that we need to pay people to
get them interested in libraries always bothers me. What hap-
pens when they graduate into a field with no jobs? Does the
university continue to pay them to not work?
They probably just get a larger grant to make all the graduates
into professors to teach all the new students who will never
have library jobs until every other person in America is a li-
brarian. Unemployable, but tidy.
To Serve Us.
I finally understand the mystery that is Google. It can be

found by understanding the meaning behind their philosophy
of, Don't be evil.
When Google space aliens came to Earth to conquer us, they

made the same mistake so many space aliens had made be-
fore; they based their understanding of human society on
transmissions they'd received from deep in space.
When Google space aliens arrived on Earth, they had no in-

tention of not doing evil. The concepts of good or evil did not
exist in their realm. Because they existed millions, even bil-
lions, of miles away in space, the Google space aliens didn't

come to Earth specifically to cause harm. They came in re-
sponse to a message:
"You know I can be found,

Sitting home all alone,
If you can't come around,
At least please telephone.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true."
"Don't be cruel." Words and music by Otis Blackwell (and El-

vis). Sung by Elvis Presley. Billboard #1 hit, and one of the
greatest rock-n-roll songs ever recorded.
As I said, they didn't come here specifically to cause harm;

that came later.
The Google space aliens came here seeking Elvis. Due to a

miscommunication caused by poor translation software avail-
able on the Internet at the time, their desire to locate the
source of the song "Don't be cruel," which they had been en-
joying from deep space and whose lyrics beckoned them here,
came out as the now famous Google motto: Don't be evil. It
was a simple mistake.
But when the Google space aliens arrived on Earth with their
one goal of meeting Elvis, he was nowhere to be found. His
song said he'd be home, sitting all alone. But when they
looked, he wasn't there. Sure, rumors circulated that he'd just
been somewhere, and there's even evidence that he's every-
where 84. But he wasn't home when the Google aliens checked.
Apparently, Elvis had left the building. The song says to call,
but it doesn't list a number.
Makes sense now, huh.
84
http://www.mojonixon.com/elvis.ram
120
You don't need to believe, but all the evidence is there. To fa-
cilitate their search for Elvis, they created the largest search
tool ever known to mankind. Just read the Google corporate
philosophy 85 if you want more proof. Think of Elvis while you
read, and it all makes sense.
Sure, we can use Google to search for porn. We can search for
the perfect name for our newest cat. We can search for recipes
that use what we have in the refrigerator right now: salsa,
green beans, half a Milky Way bar, bourbon, two bagels. But
that doesn't stop Google's ultimate global search for Elvis.
Until then, they will continue to consume every bit of infor-

mation we have. Scanning. Crunching. Digitizing. Everything.
Including us.
Here is just more of why I needed to quit blogging; I became ob-

sessed with whether anyone read my blog. Who, how many,
when,… all that crap. It was making me nuts.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
(almost) One year of blog statistics
If I were a business, I wouldn't know what I should do better

to satisfy my customers. I guess that's why I'm a librarian. I
don't have a head for numbers. Any math beyond calculating
the sales tax on a bag of Funyuns®, eludes me completely.
Numbers are not my friends.
85
http://www.google.com/corporate/tenthings.html
I never hear of anyone discussing blog statistics, like what are

good visitor or page view numbers. Each time I write some-
thing, I wonder if anyone will read it. If I see a comment, it
makes if feel like the time spent was worthwhile.
Otherwise, all I have are numbers. And as I said, they aren't

speaking to me, so don't ask me what they might mean.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
$1 Million to study video games
From LISWire 86:

School of Information Awarded $1.2 Million from IMLS for
The Study of Digital Librarianship, Video Game Industry
"The School of Information at The University of Texas at Aus-

tin has received $1.2 million from the Institute of Museum
and Library Sciences (IMLS) to prepare students for libra-
rianship in a digital world..."
Aren't library schools supposed to prepare students for libra-

rianship in whatever world exists at the time? So up to the
point of awarding this grant, library schools have only been
preparing students for librarianship in the Bronze age world?
the Stone world? the strange World of Sid and Marty Krofft?
"The project will focus on providing doctoral students with a

deep understanding of digital librarianship..." Oh, they have
money for the new nerds. Nerd 2.0.
"Assistant Professor Megan Winget was awarded

$255,040 to advance her research in the video game
industry's methods, behaviors and attitudes for the
86
http://liswire.com/node/128
122
purpose of building more meaningful models of col-

lection and preservation of complex, community-built
digital creations."
Preservation of video games? Yeah, they're called Ziploc bags.

I think the one-gallon size will hold a Sony PlayStation. Buy
some kitchen garbage bags for a PS3. For $250,000, you
should be able to stock up.
Why are they studying the video game industry for preserva-
tion? The industry's view has never supported backwards
compatibility, hence no preservation, only disposal and the
purchase of new hardware. The only preservation in the gam-
ing world is done by individuals and fans of video games.
The story says that part of the grant is to educate professors

on archival storage, which I guess means to teach them to not
touch the contacts on the Atari 2600 game cart. I can see
these archivists discussing the best way to bag that Intellivi-
sion console, whether the controllers should be bagged indi-
vidually or in pairs, and in what temperature to store it all for
future generations. I wonder if they know about the landfill
piled high with ET: the Extra-Terrestrial Atari 2600 carts 87.
Tell them to call me if they want a box of Atari ST or 3DO

games. Yeah, 3DO; I even owned stock in the company. Yeah,
I'm a dope.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Protect your librarian nest egg.
As you are a librarian, I know you make at least as much as a

Wal-Mart stock clerk. And if you're like me, you probably
have most of your money invested in collectible Pez dispens-
87
http://www.snopes.com/business/market/atari.asp
ers and Hot Wheels cars. If so, you're confident your invest-
ments are secure and sleep well each night knowing you've
done the best you can to prepare for your retirement.
I own one of only three known Alice B. Toklas Pez dispensers.

Yeah, I know, cool.
Seriously, some people actually own real estate. Ha!
With the economy the way it is, you never know if your local
bank is going to fail (yeah, some people still put their money
in banks, crazy, I know). If you're concerned about your sav-
ings, take a look at the Electronic Deposit Insurance Estima-
tor (EDIE).
The fact is, you need to make sure your money is safe.
So if you're interested in a near mint "Who Shot J.R.?" Pez of

Larry Hagman, with bullet hole, send me an email. That baby
is classic.
the.effing.librarian, private dick
You always knew I was a dick. Other than Internet consensus,

we now have proof of my dickhood. And maybe yours.
I don't live in Texas, but I own a lot of guns (is 16 a lot?) and I
love chimichangas, so I feel a natural kinship with that state.
So it concerns me that Texas recently passed a law to expand
what defines a private "investigations company."
"Texas law regulates private investigators,...and

passed into law [an] expanded... definition to include
124
companies that sleuth around in computer data."

(from CNN Money, By Annalyn Censky July 18, 2008:
7:54 PM EDT 88)
"If a client asks the technician to dig around in search

of criminal activity or to track the behavior of em-
ployees, that would constitute an investigation."
I'm a nosey bastard, so I spy on my employees and coworkers,

then report them to their department head. Librarianship is a
cutthroat business and the only way to get ahead is by decep-
tion and character assassination. I once got a coworker reas-
signed to another location by digging up his cookie file and
forwarding it to his supervisor. Nobody liked that guy, any-
way. Besides, I wanted his chair.
So sure, destroying a coworker to get his 7-position adjustable

and full lumbar-support office chair is obvious, but why
would I sabotage my own employees? Don't smart employees
make me look like a better supervisor? Yeah, up to a point. As
long as I'm able to assume credit for their work. But eventual-
ly, the better employee begins to make a name for herself, and
that's when she crosses the line. Take her down quickly before
she comes under the protection of the shogunate (or another
supervisor who might lure her away to use her fighting skills
to defeat you).
What Texas statutes really say is: "(b) For purposes of Subsec-
tion (a)(1), obtaining or furnishing information includes in-
formation obtained or furnished through the review and anal-
ysis of, and the investigation into the content of, computer-
based data not available to the public." (emphasis mine)
88
http://money.cnn.com/2008/07/18/smallbusiness/texas_pc_pi_law.fsb/i
ndex.htm
So simply looking at cookies doesn't make you a dick. But

checking the IP addresses of websites viewed by computers
users does.
And yep, I do that, too. Because it's fun.
Naked Lady Pen 2.0
You read about my love for the naked lady pen (of course, you
did). And of course you also declared me a foolish person be-
cause the naked lady pen is a tacky, exploitative object that
belongs back in the 1950's with the naked lady playing cards
and Playboy club swizzle sticks.
But the naked lady pen concept is so much more. Thanks to a

Google search visitor searching for "naked lady pen iPhone,"
it got me thinking about the ability of the iPhone (and other
devices) to flip their screen displays to either a horizontal and
vertical orientation. Well the concept of the naked lady pen is
that the "image" changes based on vertical up or down so that
the lady appears either naked or dressed.
Is there an application for the iPhone that lets you switch be-
tween two different wallpaper images as you flip the phone
from vertical to horizontal?
If not, imagine as you flip the phone to imitate the effect of

the naked lady phone, you would have two mostly identical
images except that one would have matted or mapped area
where the third image would appear or disappear. The third
image could be anything, a black shape to mask the naked la-
dy or any image that appears and disappears just like any oth-
126
er "float" pen, a gradient, or a pattern. It would be like a liquid

wallpaper.
You could make "lava light" wallpaper for your iPhone or re-
produce Rorschach's mask (from Watchmen).
If this doesn't exist, please, get working on this. Doesn't it

sound cool?
"Dead" librarian to be deported
From FOX News 89 (so you know it's true!), a 23-year-old li-
brarian was busted for being in the United States illegally
when she was caught using the social security number of a
dead person.
Now she's young, and it's no surprise that she was able to get
through elementary school and high school without anyone
checking her data. But she also got through some college, I'm
guessing. And since the story says she's a librarian, she prob-
ably applied to a human resources department in some coun-
ty or city or school system which submitted her SSN to the
IRS who started taking out taxes, and still nobody noticed
that she'd died twenty years earlier.
I wonder what happens when you pay forty years of taxes into
the account of a dead person. Do you lose all that money be-
cause you're already dead? Right now everyone is worried that
the social security system will dry up in this country because
we will soon have more people taking money out than we'll
have putting in.
89
So is this the plan to save social security? Does the IRS turn a
blind eye to illegals using dead SSN numbers so that all those
tax payments can go into one big pot to be used to sustain the
current pay-outs? How hard is it to punch a few buttons and
have all the SSN numbers of every dead person print out to a
spreadsheet? What if the numbers are in the thousands, or
tens of thousands, or even more?
Hmm, the United States of America is using illegal immi-

grants to keep our social security system afloat... I like it. The
next time I'm at work trying to get the non-English speaker to
understand what I'm saying by repeating the exact same
words over and over, but slower and louder and drawing pic-
tures in the air with my finger until he puts his cell phone
away, I won't get angry. I will thank him for supporting my
retirement.
One of the debates bloggers should have with themselves is

whether or not to blog original content. I could set this blog to
just repost snippets from Google News about libraries and just sit
back and do nothing, and the content would create itself. (People
who simply link to other stuff are called Link Whores. You
should, at the very least, comment a line or two about why you
are linking.)
But I blog because I have a huge ego, and I want everyone to rec-
ognize my overwhelmingly superior writing talent. It’s that sim-
ple. So I can’t just link to stuff. How would you learn how amaz-
ing I am then?
It's link whore day! It's link whore day!
128
So I stumbled onto this site, Twitt(url)y, which is a URL

popularity "tweet" tracker, and it led me to The Lazy Bloggers
Post Generator 90 which got me this blog post:
Good Gravy! I just totally realised I have not updated

this since last year... You would not believe how in-
sane my life has become. But I'm sorry you'll just have
to take my word for it..I am flat out like a lizard drink-
ing with learning to play lawn bowls, watching Dexter,
just generally being a nuisance to my partner, my day
is dreadfully busy from sun up to whenever. I am
putting money aside so I can run away. deal with it. I
absolutely, positively promise to send a missive out on
the wire, post-haste. No, really! Just the way life is!
That was easier than trying to get my girlfriend's dog to com-

pose a post for me; I held a treat over the keyboard the other
night, trying to teach her to "paw at" or at least walk on some
keys, but nothing. The damn dog doesn't want to step on
bumpy plastic keys.
And then I found, Top 10 Wrong Placed Ads,which is pretty

funny, and Wee Wee Stats, which is less funny.
So there are my link whore links for today. Don't you just love
blogs that just post links to other more popular sites!
Here is something that I completely made up. But still, a few

people thought it was a real story about really stupid people,
even though I really tried to make the facts unbelievably stupid.
It just shows how much people trust the.effing.librarian. The
Colbert County Library was named as a “tip of the hat” to Ste-
phen Colbert, a true American.
90
this cool site lets you click multiple-choice answers and then gene-
rates a post for your blog.
Library sued for violating gamer privacy
[from the Associated Press,... not!]
Philip Landisberg, 14, participated in the Colbert County Li-

brary's Video Game Hot Licks Showdown on July 2, and
scored a "dismal" 60% on "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" dur-
ing the first round of the Guitar Hero Axe Attack.
"Sixty percent on that song, and on 'easy' is truly embarrass-

ing," explained young adult librarian Sarah Brand. "That song
is meant as a warm-up, to relax the kids and get them to feel
good about the game and themselves. I could understand if
the kid was wearing mittens because of some OCD problem,
or if he was obsessively touching himself while he played, as
so many boys at that age seem to do, or even if he was born
with lobster claws for hands like on Nip/Tuck, but damn, that
kid sucked. Is Nip/Tuck coming back? I love Christian so
much. But really, this kid just sucked. Oh, wait, that's my
phone."
For the record, Sean's son on Nip/Tuck was born with Ectro-
dactyly, or "lobster claw hands," a deformity which may seem
really cool to have because you get to have claws, but unfortu-
nately, makes touching yourself truly dangerous. And to clari-
fy, you should actually have a love/hate relationship with
Christian.
Phil's parents, although disappointed with Phil's perfor-

mance, have filed a lawsuit against the Colbert library for vi-
olating the teen's privacy. Philip's mother, Chloe Landisberg
said, "The library had no right to post that score for everyone
to see. Yes, Phil's level of suckage was egregious, but that just
proves that his score should not have been put up for all the
130
other kids to laugh at. The library is responsible. Do you know

that everyone calls him 'lobster boy' now?"
"We posted all the scores of each participant on a board in the

Youth area of the library," said librarian Brand. "If Fail, I
mean, Phil couldn't bring it, he should have stayed home and
played with his GoBots, or baked teddy bear-shaped sugar
cookies with his mom."
Chloe confirmed that kids have taken to calling her son "Fail"
instead of Phil, after the Internet term for failure. The Lan-
disbergs have sued the Colbert County Library System for $2
million citing privacy violations and pain and suffering.
The American Library Association has issued a statement

reaffirming the importance for teen privacy in libraries that
adds "privacy in game and gaming 'fun nights' and competi-
tions particularly in the posting or display of game scores" to
areas where those scores are "visible to the public" should be
treated with the same "ethical and legal protections" as patron
borrowing records.
"Teens are cruel," says Brad Chuck webmaster for the Young
Adult Library Services Association. "I do my best to avoid be-
ing around them. That's why I run the website."
The ALA also recommends on its YALSA website that teens

who "truly suck" at video games should just "stay home and
read a book."
[thanks to Terry 91 for the game consult]
Saturday, July 26, 2008
91
http://gamecouch.com/
SWM seeks successful F blogger
The NYT has an article about female bloggers, "Blogging‘s

Glass Ceiling," 92 (by KARA JESELLA Published: July 27,
2008), where they mention how one guy quit his job to stay
home and manage his wife's blog.
Where can I get a piece of that action?
My girlfriend started two blogs, but quit early. I keep trying to

convince her that she has something useful to say about a few
truly niche issues. But she won't bite. I can't even get her to
write a book even though I'm sure she could.
So I'm still trying to teach her dog to write my blog. I decided

that content isn't as important as meeting a deadline; if the
dog could manage to trod on 100 keys, if only random letters
or even to compose a message on something she truly cares
about, that would be good enough for me to click "Publish."
She's not a political dog; I don't expect her to promote an
agenda. Anything would be fine.
When I started blogging, I noticed that there were fewer men

blogging about library issues than women. It's simple math;
there are fewer male librarians. For the first month or two, I
intentionally wrote as either gender because I was worried
that women wouldn't want to read my blog. I'd seen a lot of
"grrl blogger" and "blogher" banners and I was a little afraid
that I wouldn't be accepted. But the ones who "discovered"
my blog didn't care.
92
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/27/fashion/27blogher.html
132
FYI, this was one of the posts 93 that encouraged me to con-

tinue blogging, so again, thanks to Library Talk for the early
good words.
And if you think this blog sucks, blame her.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Lazy Comment Generator: Please tell me someone

has done this
I was just at fairyhedgehog 94 and someone commented that

they'd like to see a "lazy commenter" generator. A real one.
I don't know how the web works, but it looks like you could
create a service that uses OpenID: You enter the feeds you
want to track into a form, and with each feed update, your
OpenID logs in and leaves a random comment from whatever
you enter into your comment file:
"You go, girl!"

"Death to The Man."
"LOL. Seriously, you rock!"
"Ask your doctor about Viagra."
"I did that once, I swear."
"I was just having that same thought. I swear we're
like twins. I think I love you. So I guess we're not
twins because then the love thing might be creepy."
"If that happens, I will move to Canada."
"If it weren't for the drugs, I think I'd kill (my-
self/you/Oprah)."
"I used to have that problem before I found Jesus."
93
http://librarytalk.coollibrarian.com/2007/05/just-when-you-thought-i-
had-given-up-on.html
94
http://fairyhedgehog.blogspot.com/2008/07/not-blogging.html
":)"
So I post something new, and your autocomment generator

gets my feed update and automatically logs in with your Ope-
nID and submits a random comment from the ones you en-
tered into your account.
The only flaw I can think of is the "Captcha" or security words

you need to type in to prove you're not a computer.
You may ask, what's the point? But I'd say that any comments
are better than none.
Yeah, rereading my examples above, on second thought, may-

be not.
I don’t usually repost other’s comments in these books, but Kevin

Musgrove 95 wrote:
“I swear I heard numbers one to ten, in sequence, as a

mobile 'phone conversation on the bus coming home to-
night.”
Which I thought was really funny because it does sound like a

conversation between two people… who aren’t in any way paying
attention to what the other is saying.
This next post is missing the image of a “delete” keyboard key-

cap; the one on a standard computer keyboard that says Delete. I
took an image of one and colored it gold, and it looks pretty cool.
But no color images here because they cost money to print.
95
http://helminthdale.blogspot.com/
134
The Golden Delete Key Award
I'm presenting myself with an award. I didn't earn it, and I

don't deserve it, but I created it, so who better to receive the
inaugural presentation of the award than me.
I would like to thank all the little people who made this award
possible. Frankly, you people. Since I have the award and you
don't, that makes me much better at whatever it is the award
is about.
The Golden Delete Key Award goes to bloggers who don't

suck. It's for anyone who knows enough to hit "delete" rather
than to post worthless crap.
So if this describes you, then please, accept this award with

me; display it with pride on your blog. If you know others who
don't suck, send a copy to them. After all, it's just an image:
right-click and Save (I don't know what you Mac people need
to do to get one). Let everyone know that you don't suck. Be-
cause without an award like this, how else would they know?
And in the spirit of "Right Back Atcha," I would like to pass

this award to @ the library 96 for all around blogging excel-
lence.
Yes, he did just present me with this wonderful "Premio"

award, and yes that's how I thought of the idea to create The
Golden Delete Key Award, and yes, I'm just a big thief who
steals other people's stuff, but mostly because he's an awe-
some blogger. Congratulations to everyone!
I will treasure these always.
96
http://librarianwoes.wordpress.com/
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We know nothing. Nothing.
Well, maybe we know something, but can't agree on what that

is.
Every day, the Internet supports and discounts every thought,

belief, and idea we might have:
Parents in one story let 8-year-old have cell phones, while in
another, doctors are limiting their use because of the unpro-
ven threat of increased brain tumors.
USAWeekend magazine's ParentSmart section says that par-

ents should learn to use Facebook to communicate with their
children, but the USAToday Technology section reports that
Congress wants to ban a child's access to Facebook and other
social networking sites within public libraries.
These are from stories that appeared practically simulta-

neously or within days of each other.
You can find something on the Internet to support any idea

you have rolling or skulking or panting or growing or slaver-
ing or bursting, out or around or through your head. The In-
ternet validates innovation as easily as insanity.
This might be another idea entirely, but the Internet is us.

And we know everything.
(Didn't I start out saying we know nothing? Oh, Everything

and Nothing are the same thing on the Internet. Sometimes I
just go right over my own head.)
136
Friday, August 1, 2008
Welcome to the Internet. Warning: User-generated

Content.
You can quote volumes of texts praising the goodness and no-
bility of man. But leave that same man alone with a magic
marker and he'll draw a wiener on Gainsborough's "Blue
Boy." (No, I don't think there are any wieners drawn on him,
yet, but I do have some vacation time coming, and well, I'm
just saying...)
So should it be a surprise that when the "Creature Creator"

portion of massively-multiplayer-online-role-playing-ultra-
Web 2.0-crapfest, Spore was released that guys started draw-
ing wieners on everything? The answer is No, for those of you
auditing this course.
Thus, the term Sporn, for characters in the Spore would with
fully-intact, and visibly active politically incorrect body parts
was created (Spore+porn, yeah, google that to see how many
guys just got their last name made into a funny).
One of the phalloffenders said it was just silly and juvenile to

create the "offensive" characters who engage in "sexually
graphic acts."
"Users can create animated scenarios for the characters to en-

gage in, some of which include sexually graphic acts." 97 See, I
told you. (from CNN, by Mallory Simon.)
Spore is rated E for Everyone, but includes content for Ani-

mated Blood, Comic Mischief, and Fantasy Violence. So it's
within the acceptable use of the game to injure another Spore
character, but be damned if you try to make love with one.
97
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/TECH/07/30/spore.sporn/?iref=mpstoryvie
w
"When EA got word of the Sporn creations, it began working

with YouTube to pull them down. Players who repeatedly upl-
oad 'offensive content' are warned, suspended and eventually
banned, [Lucy] Bradshaw said."
This is where I see the world heading. The larger these online
worlds become, the greater the likelihood that some corpora-
tions will own part of the Internet that we now take for
granted as being free. All these servers, cables and wires are
owned by someone other than us. At some point, when they
feel there's enough money in it, everything they find offensive
will be banned.
And violations will earn the offender a Scarlet Letter.
"Bradshaw hopes the sexual characters don't spoil Spore for

everyone or get in the way of what she says is a revolutionary
game."
Philosophically, I think people should be able to create what

they want, but personally, if I played this game, I don't think
I'd want to see some lumbering, or worse, super-fast, penis-
or vagina- or anus- shaped character approaching my inno-
cent, little bunny character.
So yeah, I might be one of those who would label the sexually-

graphic designers as Assholes. But would I make them wear
the letter, the badge of shame? Of course, I would. Doesn't it
look awesome? 98
"On a field, sable, the letter A, gules.‖
98
use your imagination.
138
Good news: our suffering brings library success
Here's a photo 99 from the NYT ("Are Economic Woes Push-

ing Up Library Circulation?" by Sewell Chan; Photo: Daniel
Barry).
The story has an almost gleeful tone when it describes how

bad times increase library use:
"Queens Library saw a 16 percent jump in circulation
and attendance immediately following Sept. 11, for in-
stance."
Woo-hoo! Terrorist mayhem increases library use!
But that's not what interests me about this story. Look at the
picture of the old guy reading with his busted single lens
glasses. Look at that; he has one lens from a pair of glasses in
part of a frame without a temple arm or any other parts of a
complete pair of glasses 100. It's the most depressing picture
I've seen all week. This poor old guy with less than a half-pair
of glasses.
I guess there are worse signs of a poor economy than a guy

with a half-pair of glasses, but I'm struggling to think of some.
Like maybe if he had only one shoe or if he was wearing the
jacket from a 1977 prom tuxedo, one of those green ones with
the white piping on the lapels. Really, I don't know. We get
lots of crazy or odd people in the library, but I rarely see
someone who just looks so damn destitute. It makes me sad
to look at it. So I'll just look away.
Ooh, look! Brangelina baby pictures!
99
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/08/01/are-economic-woes-
pushing-up-library-circulation/
100
http://visual.merriam-webster.com/clothing-articles/personal-
articles/eyeglasses/eyeglasses-parts.php
This next one was never posted, hence, no date. It just had to do
with tags that I used for my posts. Not important, but I wanted a
record. The parentheses just mean how many times the tag was
used.
Guilty.
Wow. I just noticed how much I reference myself in the third-

person in my tags. I must be some kind of ahole.
the.effing.librarian (27)
the.effing.librarian achieves the only fame he can (1)
the.effing.librarian considers long-term care insurance (1)
the.effing.librarian destroys the world (1)
the.effing.librarian is speechless (1)
the.effing.librarian meets the ideal woman (1)
the.effing.librarian pretends to be important (2)
the.effing.librarian remembers he forgot to turn in that Che-
mistry assignment (1)
the.effing.librarian screws with Canada again (1)
the.effing.librarian screws with licensed property (1)
the.effing.librarian should have deleted this one (1)
the.effing.librarian shows his age (1)
the.effing.librarian shows momentary weakness (1)
the.effing.librarian tries to become president (1)
the.effing.librarian tries to learn you something (1)
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Who Watches the Librarians?
I'm excited about the new Watchmen movie.
140
I never read Watchmen when it was originally published in

comic book form; I wasn't reading comics in 1986 as I was
busy trying to grow up and become an adult. (And look how
that turned out.) But I read the graphic novel a few years later
and was hooked. Luckily, Watchmen never caught on like
Batman or the X-Men, so I was able to pick up all the single
issues for probably a quarter apiece. I still have my Watchmen
tee-shirt from 1986.
I don't claim to be an expert on Watchmen. In fact, I can be

pretty sure that I've never read the complete text, all that crap
about birds just bores me, sorry.
But you might have noticed that I altered my banner to say,

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Bibliothecarii. I don't know Latin. But I
know that Quis custodiet ipsos custodes means "Who watches
the watchmen?"
But for my page, I wanted to find the Latin for "Who watches
the librarians?" And I couldn't find it. I found a reference to
bibliothecarius as modern Latin for librarian. It's just my
guess that it's plural would be bibliothecarii for librarians.
Dunno, just my guess.
I've seen reference to the word: "The librarii a bibliotheca or

bibliothecarii, who had charge of the libraries, were usually
slaves or freedmen," but not the phrase, quis custodiet ipsos
bibliothecarii. And that disappoints me.
It disappoints me that no one ever thought librarians needed

supervision or oversight. That we have the reputation for be-
ing honest and trustworthy. Yeah, sure, that's a good thing.
But come on, don't you want to read some history about those
ruthless librarians who controlled all access to information
and ruled with an iron fist? Where are those tales about me-
dieval librarians who kidnapped and enslaved children, or the
curse of the Egyptian librarian which causes the mummy to
rise from its sarcophagus to reclaim overdue library mate-
rials?
So we need this. I'm leaving this up at least long enough for

the googly to index it. I'm just doing my part so future evil,
bad-ass librarians can have the phrase ready for them (to put
on their evil tee-shirts).
Anyway, if you are interested in reading Watchmen (and real-

ly, you should read it), you might want to also read The Anno-
tated Watchmen 101.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Warning: a big fat guy will murder you.
Americans love to eat.

Americans love to kill.
So it's with an ironic twist that our love for killing criminals is
being thwarted by that criminal's love of food.
Apparently some big fat murderer rapist with a headache 102

who's been on death row for 20 years says that Ohio can't ex-
ecute him because he's too fat.
Now if anyone needs killing, it's a murderer rapist. If I had the

power, I would kill all the murderers, and then kill all the rap-
ists. And then I'd clone the murderer rapists so I could kill
them over and over and over again.
And, if I had the power, I'd make unicorns real.
101
http://www.capnwacky.com/rj/watchmen.html
102
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080805/ap_on_re_us/death_penalty_coo
ey
142
We know that obesity is harmful, causing heart disease and

diabetes, so aren't we sentencing someone to cruel and un-
usual punishment when we allow death row inmates to get fat
and die slowly from arterial sclerosis? I hear heart attacks are
painful, so why can't we just shoot him to keep him from that
fate?
Anyway, be careful. We already allow children and people

with extremely low intelligence to murder us without fair pu-
nishment; now we need to watch out for those fat guys. Ex-
cept I bet he wasn't fat when he did all that murdering. Damn,
now I have to watch out for everybody. Which is pretty much
how I live now.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I am Spock.
There's a thing going around about librarydayinthelife 103

where some librarians are posting info about their actual job
duties; maybe they're trying to inform or even inspire others.
Dunno. Or maybe they're just attempting to chronicle their
work life before their budgets get cut and their jobs get axed.
If the latter's the case, then let me add a little nugget of what
the.effing.librarian does at work before I find myself out on
the street selling wilted carnations to you on your way home
from work at that intersection in front of the library where the
drunk guys beg for change.
We have a library regular who's been a pain in my ass. He al-

ways looks for me to help him with something. But my help
doesn't seem to get him anywhere. Whatever I find for him,
he loses, and ends up back at the reference desk three days
later expecting me to find it all over again.
103
http://librarydayinthelife.pbwiki.com/
So a while back (April?), he asks me for all this information

on oil viscosity, fire extinguisher classifications, ladder
heights and safety, etc. Again, just a seemingly endless quest
for stuff that won't make his, or my, life any better.
So I find it all, and for ten minutes I am Spock. It's like I've
just completed a mind-meld with my mind to his mind and
I've experienced both his joys and horrors. I've been sub-
merged into his world of Class A-B-C flame retardant chemi-
cals and 30-weight motor oil. For that moment, I know what
he knows.
And then I forget. He leaves with his prints and I forget.

That's why it's so annoying when, three days later he comes in
to say he lost some of the papers and to ask for that same stuff
all over again.
But then, guess what? He comes back two weeks later and
says that what I gave him helped him get a job. And guess
what, still? He hasn't bothered me now for two months. Yeah,
he still comes into the library, but he doesn't need my help.
And that, my friends, is what's it's all about. Making it so our

patrons don't need us anymore; so the reference stats go
down; and so I'm out on the street on my ass, and unem-
ployed. Except for that flower business, of course.
Live long, and prosper.
These next two posts, again, and I can’t say this enough, are
things that seem to only amuse me. I first pretended that I was
challenged to a “blog-off” where the winner takes over the loser’s
blog.
144
Then I pretended to lose my blog to someone who changed my

blog into an LOL Squids page, where people can post funny pic-
tures of their squid with cute captions like, “I can has a kitty.”
Don’t try to understand it; just enjoy.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Itz bin brung.
the.effing.librarian has been challenged to a "blog off."
It seems that the.effing.librarian has been challenged by

someone who calls him/herself "the-F-ing-librarian" Here is
the email I received:
*u suk. yr syte sux. i chalng u 2 c huz d bst blogr. suka.
First, I didn't know Francine Fialkoff read my blog (kidding),

second, I didn't realize that "the.effing.librarian" brand had
become such a prized commodity that someone would want to
fight me over ownership or for the right to claim to be
the.effing.librarian. I mean, blogging has been popular for,
what ten years, and nobody ever wanted to be an effing libra-
rian before 2007.
But now someone wants to dethrone me. Maybe she wants a

cut from all those tee-shirt sales.
So, what exactly is a blog off?
Apparently, it's when two or more bloggers post simulta-

neously and spectators vote one the winner. It's like a dance-
off, or a rap challenge. It's some new shit that started in Ger-
many.
Anyway, if one blogger wants to dethrone another blogger, he

issues a challenge in the comments section of the target's
blog. Once the challenge is accepted (and dude, only a wuss
would decline a challenge) the date and time of the challenge
is set. The usual prize is that the winner gets to take over the
loser's blog. Yeah, it's big deal.
Luckily there's site designed specifically for settling these

complex blog off challenges: www.blog-off.org.
The blog-off people have created all the rules needed for a
blog off. They even have a "challenge stage" where up to four
bloggers can "represent" all on one screen simultaneously.
When you log in as a spectator (you need javascript enabled),

you will see (up to) four individual blogs (but in our case only
two, unless someone else wants to enter the challenge) on
your one screen, and you can see each post update in real
time. Then you vote on the post you think is the best. Each
level of the challenge has a topic, and posts get judged for ori-
ginality and "freshness" and how many clever ways you can
work in the name "Obama."
Our challenge has been set for August 6 at 10:00 PM EST, and
the URL is
www.blog-off.org/effing-challenge.
I know I don't need to ask because you guys will show up and
back me up. Man, I do not want to lose this site.
[note: I wouldn't know how to text in net shorthand to save

my life.]
[second note: yes, I made this up. blog off? are you fucking
nuts?]
146
[third note: apparently, there really are blog offs 104, who'da
thunk?]
Thursday, August 7, 2008
This is goodbye.
I lost the blog off. I will be turning over this blog to the new
owner today.
What can I say? I screwed up.
The first challenge was to compose a post in binary, which is

fine. Who doesn't know "oh-one-oh-one"? 01110011 01101111
01101101 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110010
01101011 00101100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01111001
01100010 01100101 00101110 (You know what I'm saying.)
But I forgot the overall rule that we were supposed to work in

the most Celine Dion lyrics into our posts. I neglected to read
that part of the rules and just used AC/DC when I wrote:
01011001 01101111 01110101 01110010 01100101 00100000

01100001 01101100 01110111 01100001 01111001 01110011
00100000 01110000 01110101 01110011 01101000 01101001
01101110 01100111 00101100 00100000 01110011 01101000
01101111 01110110 01101001 01101110 01100111 00001101
00001010 01010011 01100001 01110100 01101001 01110011
01100110 01101001 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110111
01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101110 01101111
01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00001101
00001010 01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100010
104
http://www.portlandmercury.com/portland/Blog?blog=41935&oid=860
150
01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00101100 00100000

01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101101 01110101
01110011 01110100 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000
01100111 01100101 01110100 01110100 01101001 01101110
01100111 00100000 01101111 01101100 01100100
Yeah, a rookie mistake. (I thought we were supposed to be

writing about Celine Dion.)
So, goodbye. This blog ends tonight at midnight. Here's a little

about the new owner: She's a big fan of squid, it seems, and
she's going to use this site to share all her LOLsquid images.
There's this whole LOLZ squid thing where people put funny
captions on pictures of their squid. Who knew?
If you also love squid, please send your LOLsquid images to

[email protected].
LOL Squids
Welcome to lolz and squidz. Feel free to uplode yurz!!11!! Ah

hope u like the nu approach!! I will change that ugleee banner
soon!!!!
I posted one picture of a squid lying in a car parking space with

the caption, “Oh, noes!1 Someone stoles squiddehs car!11,” and
then claimed that I took back my blog.
The usual suspects.
148
No warrant required.
To assist with an investigation of a suspected mass-murderer

(my term, since five people died) in an anthrax attack, "Li-
brary officials turned over the computers voluntarily to the
F.B.I. last week." A warrant was eventually approved to con-
duct a search of the computers, but the computers were sur-
rendered first. (NYT 105, August 7, 2008)
I don't know how you feel about what level of privacy library
patrons should be guaranteed while using library computers,
but there was HUGE discussion at LISNews recently about
whether there is ever a greater good when assisting law en-
forcement with a criminal investigation, or if libraries should
not only question authority but occasionally even be openly
hostile toward it.
Some of the comments supported a patron's privacy at all

costs regardless of any alleged criminal activity, and some be-
lieved that there are some "life and death" situations where
patron privacy no longer matters, or matters much less.
I would fight to guard the privacy of patron borrowing

records, but I don't give a crap about what they do on our
public computers. My belief is that if I don't control the data,
how can I promise to safeguard it?
But after reading some of the arguments, I was beginning to

question my stand on this issue; some were pretty persuasive.
But I didn't change my opinion. I mean, our borrower data-
base is used by staff, exclusively, therefore we are able to
make that promise that patron data will remain under our
control. But public computers are out in hostile territory; un-
protected, unwanted, and unloved.
Sometimes I feel that the library is like Rick's Café Américain

in Casablanca: sometimes when you beg Rick to protect you
105
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/08/washington/08anthrax.html
and hide you from your enemies, he agrees, but sometimes he

turns his back and leaves you to the Nazis.
Yes, sometimes I'm Rick. More often I'm Captain Louis. And
on Friday nights, I'm Ilsa. Like you didn't see that coming.
File under "stupid people"
This is only slightly library-related since it involves a library

worker. I don't know how I feel about having one of those jobs
that needs to be mentioned whenever an incident happens:
* librarian wounded in shoot-out over over-the-counter

drugs, says ointment was for his mother
* librarian suspected of ostrich rustling, says ostriches "fol-
lowed me home"
* librarian faints over meeting Lance Kerwin ("Oh, my God,
it's James at 15!" Don't judge. You would have fainted, too.)
You never see the jobs of dry cleaners or dental hygienists or

professional bowlers mentioned, but journalists are conti-
nually surprised that librarians seem to ever do anything be-
sides check in books.
So here's the story.
Some TV and/or news person in North Carolina named "Tom

C*******" says, "Immigration witch hunt must end. 106"
Here's my first criticism, Tom: witch hunts are good WHEN
106
http://www.starnewsonline.com/article/20080808/NEWS28/808080328
/-1/opinion
150
THEY FIND WITCHES. In this case of illegal immigration,

you can't seem to swing a crucifix in this country without
causing some witch to burst into flames. (Boy, was that a
weak metaphor, or what?)
But, to remind everyone, here is what happened 107:

a person in this country illegally was caught using the identity
of a dead person to get health care. Now, many believe that
health care records are sacred and no government agency
should have the power to search health records to find illegal
immigrants.
But let's make this easy for everyone to understand.
* The librarian in question was stealing another person's

identity.
* And that person was already dead.
* And the illegal immigrant was using that stolen identity of
a dead person to apply for health care.
** Dead person: health care.
You don't think someone should notice that? You think the
government, which is notoriously blind to most illegal activity
in this country, should also ignore this crime? Even when the
criminal is this stupid? When you basically stand up and say,
"Look at me! Look at how I am breaking the law!" and society
ignores you, then we have a problem. But when you attract
the same attention as any other dead person who applies for
health care, then what the hell did you expect?
"There is also the story of an illegal immigrant

stopped at 2 a.m. in the morning, driving without a
driver's license in a car with illegal plates. Whisked
away to jail, her three children, ranging in age from 14
to 6, were left alone beside the road for eight hours."
107
http://effinglibrarian.blogspot.com/2008/07/dead-librarian-to-be-
deported.html
Yes, it's wrong for Immigration or the police to leave children

unsupervised and unprotected on the side of the road, but law
enforcement can't be expected to arrest people only when it's
convenient for the suspect. Who do you think these people
are, former NFL running back's suspected of murder?
"We afford thugs in drive-by shootings more rights than we

are affording these here illegally." Again, "I am not a lawyer,"
nor have I read the Bill of Rights, except for the part that en-
courages me to purchase surplus Russian-made amphibious
military personnel carriers off the Internet, but I'd like to
think that citizens of a nation have more rights than non-
citizens, that legal residents have more freedoms than illegal
residents.
He adds, "This is reminiscent of Nazi Germany and Hitler's

reign of terror.." I don't remember that the Jews were in
Germany illegally. Tom C****** seems to think that Jews, by
their very existence, were breaking the law. "It is impossible
to believe that we started a revolution on the premise that
every person has rights,..." No, Tom, we started a revolution
in the country on the premise that every "property owner" has
rights.
And Tom, you might believe that since Hitler signed the "final
solution" to exterminate Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals, that
those groups were, technically, breaking the law by still con-
tinuing to breathe, but you should not, as a rational human
being, ever compare the situation in Nazi Germany to any ar-
rest of any person, unless that arrest leads to 8 million unre-
lated murders.
"Tom C******* is creator/host of NC ****, a weekly

statewide television discussion of N.C. issues airing
Sundays at 6:30 a.m. on WILM-TV."
152
Whew! It seems Tom is on local North Carolina TV at 6:30

a.m. on Sundays, so it's not likely that anyone will hear his
opinions, thanks for that.
I had no idea people took the Internet so seriously.
Some "emerging technologies librarian" had her Twitter ac-

count get dumped, and this nearly destroyed her 108.
I don't know what to say about people who have become ad-
dicted to their social networking software: "If you love it so
much, why don't you marry it?" I have a Twitter account
which I rarely use; if it stopped loving me, I don't think I'd no-
tice much.
And this whole talk of archiving your communication; I don't

think anyone should ever take for granted that the Internet
will ever do anything to make your live easier. Different, yeah,
but not easier. As you can see, by how much worry and effort
someone will apply to something that stops working.
This is why I don't get involved with social networking; I'm

still not convinced that I do anything that anyone needs to
know about.
108
http://mblog.lib.umich.edu/etechlib/archives/2008/08/twitter_banned.ht
ml
Petition to bring back LOL Squids.
No, I didn't make this petition 109. It was another concerned

citizen, and not a blood relative.
To: The Effing Librarian
The Effing Librarian

(http://effinglibrarian.blogspot.com/) was a better,
more informative, and more entertaining blog during
its LOL Squids phase. Please return to having LOL
Squids-based content including humorous cephalo-
pod macros and other cephalopod-themed content.
Sincerely,
The Undersigned
I said, I will link to and/or endorse any other squid-related

lolz, but any other effing librarian involvement is over. No, I
will not accept money. Wait, how much money?
The more you care, the less you have my attention.
I like when people ask me things then step away to let me do

my job.
I hate when people attempt to convince me that the thing they

seek is the most awesome thing that has ever been sought by
anyone.
109
http://www.petitiononline.com/LOLSquid/petition.html
154
I had a woman call today who wanted me to find her all of the
books written about her favorite artist, an underrated genius,
who, although recognized by his peers, is mostly overlooked
today, so that I would read the list to her over the phone and
she could tell me which of the books the library should get. I
searched WorldCat and found that there is exactly one book
about that artist, published thirty years ago, and currently
owned by seven libraries.
She didn't want an ILL; she wanted us to purchase the titles

based on her recommendation.
With each incremental increase of excitement in her voice, my

interest in locating her volume dwindled until all I could say
is, "We'll have someone work on that for you and call you
back."
Although I had done a pretty thorough search while she

yakked on and on, I told her that I only took the questions
and that someone else would search for her and then call her
back. Who would call her back? she wondered. I don't know, I
said, only it wouldn't be me. I wasn't going to discuss or argue
with her about how the library should buy non-existent books
regardless of how positive she was that many such books ex-
isted.
I really hate when people try to engage me in their interests as

if this will create some bond between us and I will work that
much harder to find their crap. But it's the opposite; tell me
what you want, then back off and let me work my magic.
Give up on trying to control me and let me do my job, and I

will find all that dopey stuff you care so much about, and
more. Otherwise, excuse me while I sharpen pencils, read my
email, yawn, and even pick my nose (both nostrils at once).
Yeah, what the Frankenstein monster said. (Fire.

Bad.)
I don't understand our love of fire. Not the hot stuff that cooks
food, but the word.
Already, we have:
Firefox (web browser)
Fire Dog (Circuit City's tech-nerds)
Fire crotch (something some idiot almost-celebrity called
another idiot slightly-better-known-celebrity)
Firebird (Marvel comics, yeah, like there wouldn't be a comic
book character called Firebird)
Does the descriptor "fire" make you want the thing more?
Now Yahoo! just released what seems to be a really cool and

useful web app which they mistakenly named Fire Eagle 110.
Pretty sure that name has to go. Why pick something that
sounds like the already super-popular Firefox, or even fire
crotch?
But I bet some executive really loved "Fire." And another

equally useless executive liked animals. So everyone sat
around on some Tuesday afternoon and came up with every
conceivable combination of "Fire" and some animal.
Fire Chicken.
Fire Skunk.
Fire Coatimundi.
Fire Whale.
Fire Python.
Fire Hamster.
Fire Mullet.
110
http://fireeagle.yahoo.net/
156
Fire Squid.
Fire Beagle.
Sadly, no one came up with Fire Kitteh, which would be really

awesomely cute.
A slightly less powerful (and former) Yahoo! executive sub-

mitted these:
Fire Ass.
Fire Beaver.
Fire Clown.
The thing that makes Fire Eagle cool, unlike the name, is that
it can track wherever you are in order for total strangers to
find you and kill you. Oh, wait, strike that. Invite you out for a
drink.
But it could make the Internet more of a "local" experience.

And that could be cool.
FYI: The most popular use for "fire" around my library is,
"When is someone going to fire that effing librarian?"
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Wear Sunscreen.
Now that I'm an old man, I get to see more doctors who insist
on doing things to my body that are sure to kill me. I'm sure if
I could just avoid seeing any medical professionals, I would
live to a ripe old age.
I don't know why I've been thinking about dying lately. Maybe
it's because my doctor is only scheduling my appointments
one week in advance. And he tells me to take a vacation so the
time won't go to waste. And when I mention that I want to get
a puppy, he laughs, then catches himself, then shakes his

head, and suggests I get a goldfish.
You think he's trying to tell me something?
When franchises go too far.
I read the discussion about the latest Mummy movie where

most critics agreed that it was time to retire that franchise,
that the ideas were gone and they were just milking a dead
goat.
But another franchise comes to mind in the book publishing

world: Gallop!
Now, Gallop! is a pretty cool idea; it uses "scanimation" to

animate still images by having stripes pass over an image the-
reby revealing one part or another and creating the illusion of
movement. It's a simple, but extremely cool effect.
And based on the popularity of that first book, the scanima-

tion people are releasing a second book, Swing!
And again, this is fine. But I just read that a third book is al-
ready in the works with the unpleasant title of, Poop!
Now, I don't know when an author or publisher should just

call it quits, but I think a book called Poop! might be that
point. I could imagine books with animals doing many other
things before I would imagine them pooping. You have Gal-
lop!, Swing!, maybe Hop! or Leap!, or, well, that's basically it,
isn't it? What else do animals do? Sleep! Yeah, that'll stretch
the use of scanimation to the cutting edge as animals lie com-
pletely still.
158
So maybe Poop! isn't so bad after all.
Here is some of the prose we can expect:
"Can you make a turd like a bird?"

"Flap-flap-crap!"
And here is the proposed cover art (note that the process for
the new title has been renamed "Scatimation"):
There is supposed to be a picture here of a book cover that looks

a lot like Gallop!, but says Poop! And has a bird on the cover
pooping. The original picture from the blog is an animated gif, so
the bird is actually pooping. Too bad, you can’t see it; it’s hila-
rious. Oh, well, another reason print is dead.
[yes, I made this up. this is a parody. there is no Poop! written

by Rufus Butler Seder or published by Workman Publishing.
tell them not to sue me.]
Not my kind of librarians.
Here's one for the pro-library-degree side: pedophiles and

terrorists are calling themselves librarians.
If you need an argument for who can call himself a librarian,

someone who works in a library or someone with an MLS or
even someone who performs the duties of a librarian, then
here are some examples for eliminating the last group from
consideration. Apparently, there is a "terrorist librarian"
named Nemo 111 who organizes and archives material that
111
could make it easier for some people to kill other people. And
another guy, named Philip Thompson 112, who archived and
organized 250,000 images of children that could be used to
attract adults who like to fantasize about or have actual sex
with children.
The data purist could argue that these guys are special libra-
rians, assisting their customers with finding information, but
most people would rightly call them scumbags.
That's the thing about knowledge. It's just a tool to be used by

whoever acquires it.
Professional "librarians" should be called that when conform

to an ethical code agreed upon by others in the profession and
even across other similarly recognized professions.
As long as they don't kill people or have sex with kids. Then
your privileges get rescinded.
I must be a technotard.
I just read about a comic book called Murderdrome 113 that

was designed specifically for viewing on the iPhone.
I just saw the video of how the comic can be read on the
iPhone, and I swear, I have no idea how anyone can generate
any level of emotion even approaching excitement for this.
112
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2579541/Paedophile-ring-
librarian-jailed-indefinitely.html
113
http://www.infuriouscomics.com/digital-comics/murderdrome/
160
I'm not criticizing the comic because there isn't enough shown
for anyone to evaluate. But man, I guess I was expecting flying
cars or something.
But to see static 2" x 3" panels get dragged across the screen, I
just don't get it. I hoped the machete was going to swing out
and cut off someone's finger and not just sit there like a 1940's
Superman comic book. But you can download it to your
iPhone, you say. Woo-hoo! I still don't care.
Why does the future continue to be more of the same, but just
more expensive?
It would have been more fun to see a video of a guy tape a tiny
Tijuana Bible to the iPhone screen and then flip through the
pages. Especially that one with Blondie; that was awesome.
The RIAA: still complete bastards
The RIAA continues to sue people, not to stop them from

downloading music or making music available for download,
but just because they are bastards.
A husband and wife were sued by the Recording Industry As-

sociation of America for something or other, I think just
breathing too loudly, but after the couple received notice of
the suit, they deleted the offending material from their com-
puter. The took the suit seriously and deleted whatever they
were told was bad.
But after they deleted the offending material, the RIAA took
that as proof that they were guilty of piracy.
Judge: "And what is the RIAA position?"

RIAA: "Well, your honor, they fixed the problem."

Judge:"So you withdraw the suit?"
RIAA:"No, your honor, they fixed the problem!"
Judge:"Isn't that the basis for your complaint? That they were
making music available on their computer? And so they
stopped do it. Didn't that satisfy the complaint?"
RIAA: "Absolutely not."
Judge: "Why not?"
RIAA: "Because we are total bastards!"
In the real world, if your mango tree is dropping mangoes on

my property that rot and attract insects, I might sue you to get
you to cut back your tree. I want your mangoes off my proper-
ty. But in the RIAA world, when they sue, they want you to
continue whatever violation was brought in the complaint.
Because if you continue, obviously, you're ignoring the com-
plaint, but if you stop doing whatever is in the complaint, you
violate the spirit of the complaint, which is that the RIAA
needs you to give them more evidence to create a stronger
case. Their argument is that everyone is guilty of something.
I still think we are witnessing the slow inexorable march to-

ward libraries.
The RIAA can't possibly approve of what libraries do, since we

allow so many people access to a single copy of something.
There's got to be some law against that, right? And libraries
don't charge for all this use!
That's one Bette Midler CD borrowed one time... okay, strike

that. Who would believe that anyone borrowed a Bette Midler
CD?
So that's one Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana CD borrowed 214

times multiplied by $16 in lost sales = how should I know. No
one said there'd be math.
162
So watch out librarians, for when you discharge that Bel Biv
DeVoe CD, you are destroying evidence! And you will go to
jail. Or more likely, be ordered to pay some billionaire execu-
tives about $3,000 as damages for all their lost revenue.
Did I mention they're bastards?
Why did libraries change?
I think people, most people, and not a vast majority, but most
people, want someone else to tell them what to do. I don't
think anyone really knows what to do. We're tired, we sleep.
We're hungry, we eat; that's our bodies telling us what to do.
And when people figure out what they should be doing, or

what makes them happy, they make rules about it. Rules help
us by telling us what to do or not do.
When I hear people wonder why nobody visits the library, I

tell them it's because we've stopped telling everyone what to
do. The old skool library would have a large "QUIET" sign on
the front desk, a simple message, or rule, that told everyone
what to do. People would rush through their busy, noisy lives,
but when that thought arose that they needed some peace and
quiet, they would remember that it's always quiet in the li-
brary. After all, there's that sign.
The library used to deliver a product, and it did it very well. It

was a quiet place where people could think and read and
learn.
But now libraries have abandoned that product. I don't know

why. It was a great product; if the supply of quiet ran out, you
could always create more. When things got too loud, a libra-
rian would shush everyone until the quiet returned.
People want things to make sense. Libraries used to be quiet

places, and that's why people visited. I agree that libraries
need to change to meet modern needs, but why did libraries
need to change that part, the part we did so well?
So when you come into my library, I for one, am telling you to

be quiet. Doesn't that make you feel better?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Why the.effing.librarian loves paper.
Some day I'm going to compile some of this blog into a book.
I don't believe the Internet has the same value as printed mat-
ter. One click, and all of the Internets can just dissassemble
into random packets, or worse, some supervillain might de-
vise a way to reassemble all of our data, baby pictures, history
reports, bibliographies, Netflix queues, bookmarks, mp3s, in-
to a gigantic image of Steve Jobs's ass and project it onto the
moon.
So I trust paper. I don't agree with its misuse, all that crap I
need to shred that people mail to me with all of my personal
information on it, but that's not the paper's fault. That's the
ink, that bastard. Ink is always giving up my secrets. Paper is
just the innocent pawn to that manipulator.
Anyway, here is some old crap republished. When I write stuff

like this, I can almost believe that it might be good enough to
put into a book. Almost.
Yes, paper takes space and needs to be stored properly, but so

do all the computers that need to be saved to access all this
164
old data in all the variety of formats that each new idiot de-
cides is the optimal preservation medium.
And because of all this indecision, I have no faith that we will

ever save anything.
When a future Ken Burns does his PBS special on life in the
early 21st Century, he won't have any source material other
than some text message retrieved from a 12-year-old's bat-
tered cell phone:
()/\/\‡6 ¿00 Þ\/\//\/I) /\/()()3 I()I
And we will be glad we have that (the message is: "omfg u

pwnd n00b lol," for the less l33t of us, or "you nerd"for my
mom).
During the Civil War, their 12-year-old boys wrote with pen
and ink:
It is with an infinite sadness that the news of your re-

cent illness has reached my ears. Yet President Lin-
coln's latest speech has strengthened our resolve to
weather this latest unpleasantness of battle with con-
fidence and stout brotherhood. The cherry blossoms
are in bloom and I have been inspired to knit a color-
ful eye patch for my recent wound.
We have these letters (even fake ones that I just made up) be-
cause people wrote stuff down on paper. If something is
meant to be preserved, then preserve it. On something stable,
tangible, readable.
Publishers print books; librarians buy books; libraries store

books. If people use the books, the librarians won't throw
them away.
This is how we decide what data are important. As obsolete as

you want to try to convince me it is, paper, and the books
made from it, is still more useful than a yottabyte of formless

digital crap. And until these bright minds can agree on how to
preserve this crap, libraries will continue to do what they al-
ways do, collect and preserve.
Maybe you should ask a librarian.
Friday, September 5, 2008
New Feature!
Blogger added some new feature where I can display the

people who read this blog over in a little widgety box, so that
you might feel less dirty for being here. The theory is, if those
other "people" manage to visit with some regularity, maybe
it's not such a bad place.
But I'd still wash my hands. It's the Internet; who knows
where it's been.
These are comments on that post:
exposed said... wow. so much for privacy, eh? :-(
The.Effing.Librarian said... it's only a privacy violation if you

don't have a choice. but since you have to click and "add" and
even choose to display or be anonymous, then yeah, it's pretty
private.
but I added the "feature" to see if anyone would be willing to

display themselves... so far, zero people want to publicize
their love for the.effing.librarian.
so I'm going to go inside and drink fourteen wine coolers and

cry.
166
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Google at 10: "I can see your heinie."
I was a big trash picker when I was ten. My friends and I

would ride our bikes around and dig through people's trash
piles to look for good stuff. This wasn't their regular garbage;
this was their junk like magazines, photos, clothes, old and
broken stuff. Once I found a cardboard box of old black and
white photos of naked people. Just thrown out in the trash
like nobody cared. Like nobody would even look for them. It
was one of the first times that I was conscious of other people,
that stuff went on in all those houses on my block.
I was ten, and finding this stuff was cool.
Once when I was confined to my house because of an injury, I

spied my neighbor digging a large hole in his flower bed.
When I learned that his wife was missing, I kept spying until I
found out that he'd killed her and hid her body in that hole.
And when the killer discovered that I knew everything, he
came to kill me, but I blinded him with the flash from my
camera and the police arrested him. Oh, wait, that wasn't me,
that was Jimmy Stewart.
Anyway, I watched people through binoculars, same thing.

(Did I say "watched"? No, not past tense, I still do it. And did I
say "binoculars"? I mean, telescope.)
So now that Google is ten years old (incorporated 9/7/1998),

what do you thing it's doing?
Google just launched an imaging satellite into orbit. Google's

new eyeball can "...collect imagery that can distinguish objects
on the Earth's surface as small as 0.41-meters or about 16

inches in size." 114
A quick check of the spread of my ass shows that it's big

enough that Google will soon be making birds-eye views of my
sweet booty available to the world. I'm going out to lie down
in the backyard right now and wait for Google to shoot my
close-up. You lucky people.
It's freakin' chicken!
I want to be a librarian for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
To guard the identities of the secret recipe "eleven herbs and

spices," there would be ten more librarians and each of us
would only know one of the ingredients. And we could never
be in the same location at the same time. Or at the same com-
pany picnic. My code name would be "Pepper."
For the first time in 20 years, the recipe for the original eleven
herbs and spices for Kentucky Fried Chicken has seen the
light of day. One of the most highly guarded corporate secrets,
the colonel's secret recipe is known to only two executives at
any time. Multiple suppliers blend the recipe for the famous
chicken so no two suppliers have the entire list of ingredients.
But when the aged, yellowing slip of paper was removed from
its hiding place, KFC President Roger Eaton glanced at the list
and noticed, probably for the first time in the history of the
68-year-old recipe, that paprika was listed twice.
114
http://www.licensing.noaa.gov/files/GeoEye-1.pdf
168
"Holy crap!" shouted Eaton at the revelation that Colonel

Sanders' secret recipe might contain only ten herbs and spic-
es.
―But it says right at the top, '11 herbs and spices Kentucky
chicken,‖ Eaton complained. ―But that senile old bastard
wrote paprika twice. What the hell is the eleventh ingredient?
It's been so long that anyone's seen this recipe, does anyone
even know?"
As a backup to the recipe, "Vials of the herbs and spices are

also stored in the secret filing cabinet." But when Eaton
checked them, they were filled with only marijuana and cat
hair.
Handcuffed to the arm of security guard, the chicken recipe

had to be moved to the secure kitchens of KFC to create their
new line of Original recipe chicken strips.
"Yeah, that's the answer," sighed Eaton. "Screw the 'eleven

herbs' crap. We'll just call everything Original recipe, and no
one will ever know."
Yes, I made that up.
Test preparation services get into social networking
In addition to creating high school aptitude, college prep, and

entrance exams for video game platforms115, some of the ma-
jor publishers in the educational study guide market are
115
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/gaming/2008-09-11-sat-
videogames_N.htm
branching out into producing study guides in combination

with social networking sites.
In the past, both Kaplan and Princeton Review have created

study guides that "play" within the Sony PSP and Nintendo
DS and Apple iPhone, study guides described by one publish-
er representative as being designed for "complete idiots."
Studying requires concentration, contemplation and under-

standing, while video games require rote memory of "power
ups" and enemy locations.
Educational testing is usually a one-shot proposition where

the student can only choose one answer per question and does
not allow unlimited "continues." Video games often have a
"god mode" whereby the player can do no wrong.
So producing study guides that play like video games so they

appeal to the average "gamer's" intellect is like giving a mon-
key a dozen eggs and expecting a souffle. Which is perfect if
your definition of souffle is twelve eggs smashed against a
wall.
Hence, the next logical level of testing preparation after video

games is to combine study aids with social networking soft-
ware. The addition of the 2.0 component advances study from
a solitary endeavor to one that includes whole groups.
The latest testing materials are used entirely online and utilize
"answer aggregation" whereby the student submits the study
question to the social networking sites and members vote up
or vote down the correct answer. Students no longer need to
rely on their own knowledge of the subject matter. To date,
bother Digg and Facebook have agreed to participate.
With the current emphasis on social networking on the Inter-

net, and with the importance and utility of the Internet ex-
panding every day, these publishers anticipate a future where
170
no answer is simply black and white, right or wrong, but more

likely an aggregate of the whims of the crowd at that particu-
lar moment.
College and university admissions officers are eager for this

new form of testing where there can be no claims of biased
testing or socio-economic advantage or disadvantage for stu-
dents. All correct answers are decided by the group.
Representatives for both Kaplan and Princeton Review and

several major universities where not surprised when the latest
batch of sample online tests utilizing the social networking
model recorded a majority of answers that included variations
on the use of the word, "ass." Even when the answers were
multiple choice. Somehow "ass" just kept showing up.
Now would I make this up?
Yes, I made that up, too.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
It's a Googly world.
"Nuke Me Gently." Anyone who's seen me naked, knows those

words. Anyone who saw Super Bowl XXII. And everyone in
the ABC TV broadcast booth. Especially Frank Gifford. I'm so
sorry. I was young. It was just a dare.
Those three words are tattooed on my body. I don't know if

you remember the opening scene from WarGames, (watch
clip 116, FF to 3:53) but when you see the key turn to the word
"GENTLY," that's partly where my tattoo comes from.
116
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReJ3RltihME
I guess in the scene it's supposed to be funny that in order to

launch a nuclear strike to kill millions of people, you need to
turn the key gently. Or it might not work. Darn.
So my feeling is, if you're going to blow the living crap out of

me with a nuclear bomb, at least try to be nice about it. Maybe
load the bomb with potpourri so the explosion will smell like
violets.
But it's not just nuclear bombs I fear. There are groups that
are so large and powerful that they dwarf us as if we're puny
insects. Everything they do alters our lives. Like trying to ob-
serve a particle so small that the act of exposing light upon it
alters its path. We are the tiny particles. And governments
and some corporations are so enormous, that simply by at-
tempting to interact with us, the alter our existence.
Like frying ants under a microscope, the simple act of such a

huge organism as a government drawing its eye upon us, we,
inevitably, are destroyed. An organization that big doesn't do
it callously or maliciously, but simply because it doesn't know
its own strength. We are tiny soft animals in Lennie's 117 mon-
strous grip.
Which is how I feel about Google. Google indexes so much in-

formation that it's crossed into the realm of controlling it. The
New York Times says, "Half the time, [Google] doesn't even
realize how egregious its behavior has become..." 118 [By JOE
NOCERA Published: September 12, 2008]
But Google is simply a middleman, a broker between the cus-

tomer and the data. On its own, Google is nothing. So how can
it be evil? I guess it can't.
117
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Of_Mice_and_Men
118
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/13/technology/13nocera.html
172
So, Google, I guess you're not evil. But you're becoming so big
that simply existing crushes us. Please be gentle.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sarah Palin criticized for using personal email ac-

count
So I guess you've heard that Sarah Palin had her Yahoo! email
account hacked by the group known as anonymous.
I'd read some criticism last week about Palin's use of a per-
sonal email account to avoid having her official state business
scrutinized. And you know, I don't care. I don't care about
what she texts to her friends. And I don't care about what she
texts to the CEO of Exxon. Okay, maybe I care about that.
But what did anonymous learn from hacking the future presi-
dent's email account? There were a few emails that looked like
official business, and sure there was this recipe she emailed to
a friend:
Sarah's Polar Bear Fondue

One polar bear, cleaned
10 pounds flour
4 dozen eggs
50 pounds Gruyere
50 pounds Emmental
corn starch
6 bottles dry white wine
1 pound garlic, peeled, crushed
serve with Triscuits, yummers!
But not much else.
My concern with Sarah Palin is that she exhibited no skill in

choosing her email address: [email protected].
I mean, come on. She was trying to hide her official business
in a personal email account, but chose "gov.palin"??? And her
argument is going to be that this is used for personal, private
communication?
She should have learned from previous presidents to conceal

her identity:
Abraham Lincoln: [email protected]

Teddy Roosevelt: [email protected]
Richard Nixon: [email protected]
So really, Sarah, for shame. And what was your password that
they were able to crack your account so easily? baracuda1?
Lie. Lie. Then lie some more.
It turns out that the hacker who cracked Sarah Palin's Yahoo!
account did it by simple deduction using information col-
lected from the Internet.
Most people are never going to become a target of a hacker.

But this shows us that when you find yourself on the other
end of someone's anger or curiosity or lust, it's very simple for
them to find out enough about you to violate your privacy and
steal your identity.
What could someone find in your email account? Email con-

firmations from online vendors, banks, airlines, utilities, or
credit card payments. Any of those emails could have home
addresses or phone numbers or bank account information.
And with that information, they might be able to collect more.
174
I know it's great to make friends online, but I can't stress this
enough: you have got to learn to lie. And lie some more. Lie
your ass off.
Social networking sites are the worst culprits for tricking you
into giving up your secrets. Don't reveal everything about
your past. Leave a little mystery. This is perfect place to lie.
Change your birth date or your zodiac sign. Change your col-
lege graduation year. Invent a spouse or some kids. Your real
friends won't care because they know you're just protecting
yourself from predators.
When your accounts ask for a "security question," pick any-

thing and make up an answer.
My pet's name is Tallulah.
The name of my high school was Porkpie High.
My first grade teacher was Mr. Clean.
My first phone number was 464-7125.
Don't make it easy for someone to guess your security an-

swers.
And I write this stuff down. And if I use these accounts every
day, then I manage to remember this stuff. But sometimes I
forget what info I used when I created the account and start to
laugh when I see the welcome message, "Welcome, Amper-
sand T. Jellywinks!"
Yes, I sometimes get sloppy and start to log into

the.effing.librarian email account sometimes when my co-
workers are around. But I catch myself before I do.
Lucky for me though that my real name is Theeffin Glibra-

rian, so nobody ever notices. Yes, my name is pronounced
exactly the way it's spelled. It's Scottish.
Monday, September 22, 2008

An Open Letter to Hollywood (or Vancouver)
After viewing last night's Emmy Awards, we at

the.effing.librarian would like to take this time to reach
out the the television production community to pitch our idea
for a show. It's about a woman who works in the high-stress,
slow-paced world of a library.
During her work day helping people open files on their flash
drives, she fantasizes about an exciting lifestyle. But at night,
she goes out and lives one. She leads a double life using the
information she collects during the day to make her city a bet-
ter place after the sun goes down.
When she finds that the library is filled with criminals, terror-
ists, pedophiles, and good people who truly need help, she
discovers her true calling: to aid or punish each according to
her rigid rules for justice.
One night, she might stalk and castrate a child molester who
trolls for innocents online; another night she tutors illiterate
adults. She's a card-carrying member of the ALA, the ACLU
and the NRA.
And yes, our librarian needs love. She's a sexy panther on the
prowl, and no man, or woman, can escape her hunting skills.
Her body is a weapon, but it's also a work of art, inspiring
passion across genders and transgenders.
Oh, and did I mention that it's a musical? Or at least, it will

break out into musical numbers. We're thinking Amy Adams.
It's sex. It's violence. It's Sarah Palin glasses and big bore
rifles. It's helping kids to read, Curious George crafts, glue
sticks, glitter, job fairs, DDR, using Wii Fit in her underwear,
book talks, helping teens to appreciate the written word, and
176
social networking. So far, we call it, "Looking for Mr. Good-

Borrower."
Thank you for your time.
Do library catalogs violate copyright and intellectual

property rights?
Here is an article which discusses whether it's a copyright vi-

olation to display a book cover on library web sites 119.
Here is the.effing.librarian's opinion of the broader issue:
For years, librarians have been looking at books and telling

people what the book is about: Gettysburg, Battle of, Gettys-
burg, Pa., 1863 -- Fiction.
And for years, people, including competing authors, have

been able to riffle through these collections of book records,
or "card catalogs," to see what other authors are publishing.
Visiting the stacks to examine these texts is time-consuming,
but librarians have been bypassing the originals materials to
make this very valuable and useful information freely availa-
ble to competitors for years.
You can argue that the nature of cataloging is necessary to li-

braries; but is it, really?
Do libraries really need to decide in which subject category to

classify a book for someone to find it? Can't people just
browse through all the books to find what they want?
119
http://blog.librarylaw.com/librarylaw/2008/08/book-jackets--.html
And worse yet, libraries have been uploading these catalogs

onto the Internet, thus making all of this copyrighted material
available to anyone with Internet access. Shouldn't authors
and publishers be protected from this blatant disregard for
their intellectual property rights?
Is this legal?
Sure, you can argue fair use, but really, what is fair?
Aren't libraries in direct competition with book stores? And

book stores survive because of sales while libraries steal those
sales away by giving away free access to those same books. So
why should libraries be allowed to advertise and promote
books the same way book stores can? Why should libraries be
allowed to claim fair use when they so unfairly target booksel-
lers, publishers and authors?
Libraries create nothing. They hoist their bulks onto the

shoulders of the true artists and workers and demand that
they be carried along while giving nothing back. So why
should libraries be able to profit from the latest Stephen King
novel by displaying its cover in the online library catalog? U.S.
copyright law allows reproductions for "useful" objects, but
since when has anyone found any library catalog useful?
I don't think libraries should be able to catalog books. Even

when "cataloging in publication" information is available in
the front of a book, I don't feel libraries have the right to capi-
talize on the threats the Library of Congress makes against
publishers to force them to include this information in their
works.
"How does the Cataloging in Publication (CIP) pro-

gram relate to Copyright? 120
120
http://cip.loc.gov/cipfaq.html#relate
178
There is no relationship between the CIP program and

Copyright registration. The principal intention of cop-
yright records is to document the intellectual or crea-
tive ownership of a work. The principal intention of a
CIP record is to describe the bibliographic characte-
ristics of a work and thereby facilitate access to it in
library catalogs."
You notice there is no benefit to the publisher; there are no

additional protections, only the theft of intellectual property.
The Library of Congress says, "we will decide how to classify
your book" with the implicit threat that the LoC will make the
book virtually invisible with intentionally incompetent cata-
loging.
We at the.effing.librarian want to see libraries filled with un-

labeled, uncatalogued books, DVDs and CDs. We don't even
want them on shelves. We envision a room filled with card-
board boxes, with books in vertical stacks, with piles of books
in no particular order. If we truly want to keep libraries free
and knowledge free, then cataloging or organizing of any sort
can only abridge these freedoms.
A free library can only be one without constraints and boun-

daries and without any cataloging system at all.
[Oh, sorry. Sarcasm.]
Wow, I just skipped seven posts because I didn’t think they fit in-
to this book, as if there is some theme to what gets selected for
inclusion. So, if you’ve been wondering if this is everything that
was posted to the blog: No. Even my ego is not that overwhelm-
ing that I need to publish every word I’ve ever written.
But I think the answer is much simpler: the book is getting long.
As it is, I think I’ll be over 300 pages, and frankly, enough is
enough. Even for genius.
No one cares if you ban a crappy book.
Yay, it's Banned Books Week. But not for ugly books. Only
pretty, popular books get celebrated this week.
The ALA BBW press kit says, "Banned Books Week 2008 will
kick off in Chicago, with a Read-Out! The event will feature
popular banned or challenged authors and local Chicago cele-
brities..."
See? No one cares if unpopular books are banned or chal-

lenged or reconsidered or whatever you want to call it.
I would love to see the list of books that people have asked li-
braries to remove that were discarded without argument or
protest. The librarian just looked at it and said, "you're right,
that's crap and doesn't belong in our library; I don't know
what I was thinking when I ordered it. Thanks for pointing it
out."
A couple of weeks ago on the TV show House, the eponymous

doctor was reading what looked like some bad porn novel
with a title like Bondage Women in Prison; you know the
ones with no cover art and filled with typos like vajina and
oreola... like the ones I have on my bookcase over here.
[Points to books.]
What if someone saw that episode and came in to get that

book? And it was a real book. And no other library in the
180
country owned it, but it was available from your book vendor?
Would you buy a copy to fill the request?
No, you'd make some excuse about books requiring recom-

mendations from a prominent review source even though half
the books you buy are prepubs or mass-markets or popular
titles with no reviews except on Amazon. You probably
wouldn't buy a copy and no one would care.
I bet that happens in libraries every day. No one defends

those prison bondage books. Or reads them out loud at public
events. But that's a banned book celebration I'd circle on my
calendar.
I can finally realize my dream of becoming a pirate

librarian.
From this story on Yahoo!, By Mohamed Olad Hassan, Asso-

ciated Press Writer 121.
This is a story about Somali pirates stealing Russian tanks

and then apparently killing some of their own members in
some dispute.
But what's interesting is that the story says, "The pirates de-
nied the report."
The story says, "the pirate spokesman insisted the report

was not true."
WTF???!!! Pirates have spokesmen????
121
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080930/ap_on_re_af/af_somalia_piracy
It appears they do. The pirates' current spokesman is S*****

A** who spoke to the Associated Press from his satellite
phone.
And if pirates have spokesmen, do pirates also have archivists

to compile their violent open-sea pirate exploits, like these re-
ported by AP/Yahoo!?
And when the pirate archivist collects enough material, will

the pirates then realize their need for a librarian? You see
where I'm going with this.
How do I become the pirate librarian? Do I have to kill

their current spokesman in hand-to-hand combat? Like how I
got my current job? Because I can do that. I took the former
librarian out with an unabridged dictionary to the face and
finished her off with the guillotine paper cutter. I don't mess
around. And if I win, do I get his satellite phone?
The AP article says, "Piracy has become a lucrative criminal

racket in impoverished Somalia, bringing in tens of millions
of dollars a year in ransom."
Wow. Maybe I'll get a raise.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I still haven't grasped the nuances of blogging.
I notice that most bloggers use their comments to have actual

conversations with their guests; and I don't seem to be that
sort of clever host.
In the real world, I'm not a bad host. I usually have some
Cokes in the fridge and some Cheez-Its or crackers or some-
182
thing around to eat. And right now there's a half bottle of

Glenmorangie, three-quarters of a large bottle of Cutty Sark
and a full 1.75 liter bottle of Jim Beam in the kitchen. There
are two really dusty bottles of Australian Shiraz on the shelf
(yes, on their sides) getting older and dustier because I don't
know when to drink wine.
The bathroom is relatively clean and there's a clean towel if

you need to wash. There's toilet paper and an unopened
toothbrush if you need to stay the night.
But this blog thing eludes me. When I post something, I

usually think that's the end. I don't go back to comment on
comments left by you.
And I guess that's wrong. I continue to see these long conver-

sations go on at other blogs between the host and guests I
suspect that's what makes those other blogs so popular.
I'd like to be popular.
But I really don't want to work at it. What can I not have to do
that will still bring me popularity? How can I become popular
by doing absolutely nothing?
Oh, question: Has anyone ever held an "anonymous bloggers"

party at any national library-related convention? Have you
ever been to one? If you were at ALA and saw that someone
was holding an anonymous blogger party in their hotel room,
would you show up? Would you sign the guest book as ano-
nymous and stay and have a drink? Even if it was a glass of
extremely old Shiraz?
Just asking.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
...so I'm blogging at the mall...

My girlfriend is getting her hair cut and I' still have six
months of free T-Mobile access that came with my XO laptop
122. It‘s really difficult to type on this tiny keyboard. I don't
want to go back and fix the typos 123. But I do because you de-
serve only the best.
Anyway, this is a huge pain in the ass, and people are wonder-
ing what the hell I'm doing on this tiny green toy.
I just had some tourists sitting next to me eating and talking

in that way that only tourists seem to know how where every
consonant threatens to launch food chunks onto my key-
board; they pretended to ignore my tiny computer, but I could
tell that they had seen one on TV at one time and wanted des-
perately to tell me that they had. But i never looked up. As if
what I was doing was going to save the world.
This is a truly depressing moment in the story of

the.effing.librarian. I thought I would be cooler than this. But
no, I'm at the mall, blogging. I would delete this post, but I‘ve
been typing so very long that I can't bring myself to abandon
it. But I'll ignore 124 these last few typos to try to regain some
little self-respect as an anarchist.
I have seen the future.
When I teach my Internet class and discuss cookies, I use this

analogy: Imagine if you went to the grocery store to buy some
122
http://laptop.org, One Laptop per Child; go donate one now.
123
but I will for the blobogok (“blog book”) reader
124
no, I won’t.
184
soda and you walked to the usual spot in the back of the store
and got the soda and went back up front to pay; but the next
time you entered the store, the soda was right up front near
the check-out lane, that's what cookies can do. They allow
websites to track your movements and to redesign their pages
to accommodate your interests.
So I was listening to a show on NPR today about data mining

and consumer tribes and other stuff and I started to wonder
how soon the cookie effect will migrate to digital television
and even libraries.
I already wonder how soon it might be before your Internet

and my Internet are different. I mean, if Yahoo! had my data,
then why would they need a cookie to customize their front
end to match my interests? How soon until the whole Internet
arranges itself to show me only the stuff that it thinks I want
to see?
The same with digital television: how soon until I turn on

NBC at 7:00 pm and see an ad for a political candidate that is
tailored to my particular fears? 125 Let's say that the Republi-
cans and Democrats know that I'm more concerned about the
economy than I am about health care, how easy is it for them
to use a digital signal to send one targeted commercial to my
TV at the same time they send a different commercial to
yours? The candidates can just spend a day recording all dif-
ferent phrases which could be stitched together into virtually
limitless ads which get sent out to individual viewers based on
this data. Do they know who we are? Even if you have cable, is
there some unique digital fingerprint attached to each televi-
sion? If not now, could there be in the future?
I wonder how soon it will be until everything can be custo-

mized by the data provider, and completely out of my control?
125
as of April 2009, it looks like cable TV will begin targeting ads to
viewers soon. you’ll see one commercial while I see another.
The only solution I see is to screw with the data by swapping

grocery lists with a friend or watching your TV shows in their
living room. Then the location data gets distorted...until the
computers throw out the anomalous data. Because you can't
fool a computer.
Soon most libraries will move to put RFID tags in books and
even to using smart library cards, and any data you'd want to
gather could be collected. What do libraries want to know?
How long did the customer remain in the library? What aisles
did he visit? Did he do number one or number two in the
bathroom? What books did he touch after doing number two
and not washing his hands?
I think this digital age is a great time to be working in libra-

ries. I can't wait until I have the power to track our patrons'
movements and to sell that information to the highest bidder.
Republicans? Democrats? Did you hear me? I'll tell you any-
thing you want to know for the ambassadorship to the UK:
that's right, Robert Tuttle 126, your days are numbered.
Here is one of the reader comments from this post:
I am Keyser Soze.
I am Hans Gruber.
I am Inigo Montoya.
I am John Galt.
I am John Ya-ya.
I am John BigBootes. [Bigboottes!]
Let's see, that's Safeway; Bashas; Alberton's; Fry's; my local

camping store; and a local store.
126
at the time of the post, ambassador to the UK. I’m sure he’s all
packed to come home by now.
186
I regret that I haven't yet been able to use Indiana Jones or

Bond, James Bond as an "alias" but so far, this has worked for
me.....
and the.effing.librarian’s response:
right, but I think this doesn't matter because now they know
that Keyser Soze likes Pringles and Dr. Pepper. and that in-
formation is still linked to you until you stop buying Pringles
and Dr. Pepper. every time someone buys Pringles and Dr.
Pepper at Safeway the computer will learn a little more. and
five years from now, when your name is "Rick Jamesbitch"
and you make that same purchase, all that old data will magi-
cally link to you. like in the movie Conspiracy Theory, when
Mel Gibson buys Catcher in the Rye... in the future, a love of
Pringles and Dr. Pepper will be your downfall.
Monday, October 6, 2008
The Effing Library: the friendliest library.
Hijacked from LISNews 127, but the original post says:
"The NPPL‘s staff want to provide a great customer

experience. Doing things like knowing people‘s names
when they approach the circ desk and starting to
check them out even before they have time to find
their library card are a part of creating a good expe-
rience." 128
At The Effing Library (the.effing.library), we go one better. As

the patron enters the library, their smart library card
127
http://lisnews.org/everything_i_needed_know_about_library_policy_i_
learned_generation_kill
128
http://www.walkingpaper.org/643
broadcasts their presence to the Central Computer ("CC") sys-

tem where all of their borrowing history is displayed on my
screen, so that I can know as much about our patrons as poss-
ible in order to provide good customer service.
With that information, the CC then scans the motor vehicles

database for a driving history (accidents, tickets); the CC also
searches for names listed in the State's sexual predator data-
base. Within 90 seconds, all the public information available
about my patron is ready on my screen. "Hello, Mr. Johnson,
still drinking and driving and picking up underage girls? How
can I help you today?"
If the patron currently has library fines, the CC accesses the

property appraiser's website and searches for property
records; if the patron approaches the circulation desk to bor-
row materials, the fine payment is requested and if the patron
disputes the fine or claims financial hardship as an excuse for
non-payment, the clerk can see the current value of the pa-
tron's home along with tax records and any liens filed against
the property. If the patron continues to argue the fine, with a
single mouse-click, the circulation clerk adds the fine amount
to the tax bill. If the fine exceeds $10, a lien for that amount is
placed against the property in addition to the filing fees and
interest.
The Effing Library wants patrons to have a truly unique expe-

rience when they visit, so we hold it as our duty to know eve-
rything about them in order to assist them quickly and effi-
ciently.
And don't even think about Internet use. Every Christ-

mas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Feast of the Golden Dragon/The
Mending of the Earth celebration at the end of the year, the
library sends a card to every Internet user with a list of each
and every URL he entered into the address bar, whether he
actually visited that site or was just being curious. And we in-
clude a message of warm wishes and remind him that we can
188
always help with his search for knowledge during the coming
year and for the rest of his life.
And if you think our library patrons might be afraid to visit

our library with all of our staff completely aware of all of their
personal information; hell, they're terrified not to.
Fame and Fortune and other F words. 129
So I don't know if you heard, but apparently the Annoyed Li-

brarian has sold out and has started writing for LJ 130.
I saw a post that derided her (or their) new found fame as if
getting paid a little money for writing is a horrible thing. But
now she has to really write stuff. She has to find a way to be
annoyed about libraries once or twice a week in order to earn
her keep; and this means she's probably going to have to
make stuff up. I hope she can figure out how to do it and still
"keep it real." (sorry.)
But because of this news, I feel I need to confess something to

all of my readers, the.effing.librarian has been making money
writing about libraries for many years now, for example:
Dear Penthouse letters,
You won't believe what happened to me in the

LIBRARY the other day. I was browsing the stacks
looking for a tune-up manual for my badass Kawasaki
650 when I was approached by a woman who was
pretty stacked herself. She had huge double-D's, and
when she noticed my gaze targeting her huge rack, she
129
used this for the title of the first blobogok
130
http://www.libraryjournal.com/blog/580000658.html
pressed past me in the narrow aisle and pushed those

well-fed puppies against my tense chest. And you can
bet that's not all that was getting tense.
She was somewhere in her thirties, a little on the plain

side, but pretty, with her hair pinned up in the back
and her lips colored the same bright red that was
printed on the "no cell phones" sign in the front of the
Circulation desk. Her skirt stretched against her firm
backside as she bent down to retrieve my book.
"That's a tight ride," she said and grinned, hinting that

she was also a tight ride. "I bet you can ride it all
night."
What she said wasn't Fiction, and we hooked up later

on.
As you can see, we all need to make a little extra cash; I got
$50 for that one. But unlike the Annoyed Librarian, I
don't need to make up stories to do it.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
anatomy of a blog post
I know you probably don't care, but I always wonder where

blog posts come from. I can't tell from day to day whether I
will ever have anything to write. So now that it's fresh in my
mind, I'm going to break down my last post 131 and give some
commentary on how the.effing.librarian composes a joke.
131
see Fame and Fortune and other F words on the last two pages.
190
First, I had nothing. I rarely have anything to say. I need to

just read what's already out there and hope that it sparks
some opinion in my brain that I can use to say something,
whether funny or not. I did a search for librarian and saw a
post from some guy on how the Annoyed Librarian was sell-
ing out by taking up with Library Journal. That's what I
usually do when I can't think of what to write about; I put li-
brarian or library into Google and see what comes out. In
this
case, I'm not even sure if I used Google since I was reading a
story about Ask.com, so I might have been searching with
Ask.
So I read the guy's opinion. I can't even find it now. It was

some blog I've never read before, but he was mad that the AL
sold out. So I jumped over to read, or just scan, AL's latest
post. It seemed forced, but I won't pick on her first profes-
sional post. She got the gig based on her past stuff, so that's
all that matters.
Now, at this point, I still got nothing. But I have the "selling
out" angle and also "getting paid to write."
There are many staples of comedy: the pie in the face, the
Jack Nicholson impression, the Captain Kirk, the minority
stereotype; these are things that are easy to work into a joke.
And when the "Penthouse letter" popped into my head, I was
surprised that it was a gag I'd never used before. The only
negative side of writing a parody of a Penthouse letter is that
it can get dirty really fast. And I didn't want to write anything
too suggestive. Don't know why, but I laid down that rule.
So I wrote the first obvious joke, using the word "stacks" and
linking it to a women being "stacked." That comes right out of
Chapter 14 of the joke-writing manual 132. Then I needed a
reason for being in the library. I thought of cooking books, but
didn't think of anything funny right off. Remember, this isn't
132
meaning, “every single joke-writing manual ever written”
a professional blog; my jokes only need to satisfy my sense of

humor. If you don't laugh, tough shit. One day, when we all
have interactive webcams, and I can get a pop-up alert that
you are on my blog reading something, then I can log in, ena-
ble the camera, and see if you laugh. But until that day, I'm
just going to assume that you think everything I write is pure
gold.
I picked the Kawasaki repair manual because in a Penthouse

letter, the guy wants to seem macho. I did a quick search and
found that a "650" looked like a credible model. I initially had
"600" in the letter as a guess since I don't know anything
about motorcycles.
I went back and added "badass" to confirm my machismo and

add credibility to my story that I would nail a librarian.
At this point, I realized I was going to write this. Up to now, I

could have given up. But I had most of an idea and it seemed
worthwhile to keep going with it.
I picked the title, "We all serve somebody" because my point

was that we all need to do stuff to make a living. Not funny,
but my titles usually aren't. They're often the last thing I write
just before I click, Publish.
About now, I knew my ending was going to have to do with

making up stuff and writing something about how the An-
noyed Librarian will need to make up new stuff compared to
the.effing.librarian never needing to make up anything be-
cause it's all true.
Again, I went back to the comedy basics and wrote the part
about the "tight ride" adding the double meaning for the tight
librarian. This is what we imagine would be in the quintessen-
tial Penthouse letter, the weak double-entendre or tired pun.
Ditto for "tense."
192
When you realize you're spending brain energy to mimic a

forty-five-year-old unemployed high school dropout who lives
in his parent's basement and spends his days imagining that
all women worship his oversized belly, his bald head and his
tiny penis, or worse, some fifteen-year-old, who, himself, is
making up crap to send to Penthouse, then you become dis-
heartened: "Fuck, I studied Coleridge in English Lit for this?"
But you soldier on to honor the labor of all those writers who
went on before you; comedy is hard.
After I finish the letter, I go back to sweeten it by adding col-

or, adjectives or things to add visual truth, like the lip color
and the "no cell phones" sign. And I double-check to make
sure it's not too dirty, just in case someone out there might be
considering hiring the.effing.librarian for a professional job.
I read my posts two ways, one for how it sounds in my head,

and another for how the words appear on the screen. I often
go back and add or remove words to adjust narrative pacing.
Unless it's late and I don't proof at all.
Then I got lucky and came up with a better title for the post
and changed it. Sometimes when you overthink something,
the obvious eludes, but the new "fame and fortune" title was
simpler. And because of the new title, I went and added the
line about "What she said wasn't Fiction" because I need
another "F word."
Damn, now you know that what I wrote in the Penthouse let-
ter was fictional.
Unless what I'm writing now is made up and the letter is real.
Hmm. You can't really know what's the truth, can you? So as-
sume the letter is real and all of this, made up. Yes, that letter
is real.
"...not so much."
the.effing.librarian loves being blogged about.
Once, the.effing.librarian had a Technorati Authority 133 of 51

and we expected that number to keep going up up up. But
when people realize that we (I) really have nothing to offer,
they stop mentioning us in conversation, and worse, disconti-
nue linking to the blog.
Here is the latest mention that I have to agree with, that

seems to sum up everything I've ever done or will ever do:
When asked for blog recommendations at librarygrrls 134,
the.effing.librarian was suggested with this caveat, "Here's a
few...some of them are informative, and some, uh, not so
much..."
Thanks, librarygrrl28 135 for that vote of confidence.
I guess I have to accept that I'm not a popular girl. Or a pretty

girl. For Halloween, I should stop dressing up like Karen
Black in Airport '75 and start dressing up as Karen Black in
House of 1000 Corpses or Trilogy of Terror -- remember at
the end when she gets possessed by the African warrior spirit?
And on the topic of "not pretty," librarygrrl28 recommended a

blog called ―R***** R*****‖ that has got to be one of the ugli-
est blogs I've seen in a while. Really hideous color contrasts,
not shocking, just an ugly orgy of grape, lime and orange.
133
http://technorati.com/blogs/effinglibrarian.blogspot.com
134
http://community.livejournal.com/library_grrls/692942.html?thread=53
98990#t5398990
135
http://librarygrrl28.livejournal.com/
194
(And you know what happened to these guys 136 when they
had their last grape, lime and orange orgy...)
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Where do you poo?
In response to sites like MizPee.com, a general bathroom rat-

ing site, and Diaroogle.com, NYC area only, we at
the.effing.librarian have created YaPoo!, a site specifically
designed for evaluating and recommending public restroom
facilities located in public libraries.
YAPOO! The library toilet search engine.
Enter your pooping needs here, such as "male, just ate Mexican
food, needs space to read the paper..."
TOILET SEARCH
So far, YaPoo! is only for locating clean bathrooms in North

American public libraries, not college and university library
bathrooms, because, oh, God, is that even possible?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Smoking in the stacks.
136
reference Funny Face Gang, a powdered beverage mix from the
1960’s
I love watching people smoke. I read a story recently that says

that the tobacco companies paid Hollywood 137 to get their ac-
tors to smoke on television and in the movies.
But that's what makes those movies so awesome. How could

you have James Cagney, Bette Davis or Humphrey Bogart
without cigarettes? Without smoke? Read Roger Ebert's blog
138 for his thoughts on movies and smoking.
Notice: For all children and California liberals reading this:

smoking is yucky and smelly and dirty, and if you smoke you
won't have any friends because nobody likes people who
smoke.
But boy, smoking is so cool.
I was never a smoker myself, which is how I got on the path to

library school. As a junior in high school, my career counselor
offered me a cigarette, as he did to all students. If you were
able to smoke with him, and laugh and joke about the dorks in
the school, you received an excellent recommendation to an
out of state university, or, if you managed to scam the whole
pack from him, you got an introduction to the local Interna-
tional Brotherhood of Teamsters shop steward.
I coughed at my first puff and was sent to the library to sort

the back issues of Newsweek.
So I think libraries should be smoker-friendly. Paper and fire

is like bread and butter or like butter and heart disease.
I want to blow smoke rings while patrons drone on about how

long it's been since they've been to a library without getting to
the point of why they visited today. I want to gesture with a lit
137
http://tobaccocontrol.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/17/5/313
138
http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2008/10/thank_you_for_smoking.html
196
butt to get people to back away from the information desk. I

want to point to the information on my monitor with my ciga-
rette until the heat melts the protective layer of the LCD
screen to leave tiny bubbles in the plastic. And I want ten cig-
arette breaks a day.
Fire.
The only other times it's socially acceptable to hold fire is dur-
ing the 4th of July or on a late night visit to Frankenstein's
castle or when you want the band to play ―Free Bird.‖
Libraries would be much cooler places if we could smoke. And

librarians, well, we wouldn't be just librarians any more: we'd
be movie stars.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Today is “Work Like A Patron” Day
Today is "Work Like a Patron" Day when library people are

supposed to:
enter and leave the library through the public en-
trance (not the staff doors)
use the public restrooms
use the public computers to do your work
reserve public meeting rooms for meetings
follow all library policies
Obviously, the person who created these rules has never ac-
tually been in a public library. So I had to modify the original
rules in order to observe the day properly.
For "Work Like a Patron" Day 139, I plan to:

park in the handicapped spot;
bring my dog (or snake) to work;
use the computers to look at porn all day;
spill a drink on the computer and crush Goldfish
crackers into the carpet;
tell anyone who says I owe her money for fines to go
screw herself and that I will "burn her house down";
pee all over the toilet seat and the toilet paper roll,
and not flush, (duh);
take a nap by the newspapers;
steal someone's cell phone;
lose my car keys and demand that the library pay for a
locksmith;
jam the copier with foreign money or bent coins and
walk away;
demand money back for something I never paid for;
use the phone at the information desk and TALK real-
ly LOUD about personal stuff;
pull a fire alarm when I don't get my way;
whatever the hell I damn well please.
So everyone enjoy Work Like a Pirate Day, or

whatever the hell day this is.
Today is "Work Like a Nineteenth Century Librarian"

Day
139
http://www.swissarmylibrarian.net/2008/10/07/work-like-a-patron-
day
198
I've been listening to A Short History of Nearly Everything

140 in my car and I find it amazing that every task took so long
to complete in the early days of science. It was common for

one single experiment to take a year or more. I'm guessing
scientists spent much of that time dressing and fastening but-
tons.
But yet the research produced the most amazing discoveries.

It must be that slow processes produce deep thoughts.
I guess to be really aligned with the purpose of the book, I

should call this Work Like an Eighteenth Century Librarian
Day, but that century just seems so messy.
So for "Work Like a Nineteenth Century Librarian" Day, I

propose that we take our time and do things slowly and seek
timeless or even philosophical results. We should ask "Why?"
of our patrons, and "Why?" of the question or of questioning
itself. Seek timeless understanding. But mostly, take it slow.
Library patron: "I would like to see everything you

have on Fratercula arctica."
Nineteenth Century Librarian: "Please record your re-

quest upon this document, and I shall begin the re-
search at the first available opportunity."
Library patron: "May I inquire as to the length of time

it may take to fill?"
Nineteenth Century Librarian: "I shall endeavor to sa-

tisfy your request within six weeks."
Library patron: "Only six weeks? Miraculous!"
140
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Short_History_of_Nearly_Everything
Friday, October 17, 2008
ALA whispers a tiny hello from its ivory tower.
From LISNews 141:

The American Library Association now offers some newsletter
that-I-never-knew-existed to non-members.
"Editor-in-chief Leonard Kniffel offers an insider‘s view of

goings-on at ALA headquarters and what hot topics ALA staf-
fers are talking about in the hallways."
Is this what ALA staffers call water cooler talk?

Did you see last night's Censorship with the Stars? Where
those celebrities ban books from the library? They're sup-
posed to look at the books but not read them and decide
which one they would remove from the collection? I thought
it would be good, but mostly they chose books by thickness.
Anyway, I'm signing up.
"Associate Editor Greg Landgraf offers his perspective from

'the lower floors' of what many see as the ALA ivory tower."
ALA has towers? Seriously, I'm all the way down in Florida. I
don't know what it would take for me to care about what goes
on in ALA. People say, "If you care about your profession,
you'd join ALA." And I answer, "I see enough of my profession
out here, where I work." I would think that ALA needs to
come join me.
But I think this is a good first step. ALA, If you want me to

care about what you do, then tell me. And I will listen. And I'll
tell you about me. And after we get to know each other, then
141
http://lisnews.org/something_new_over_your_american_libraries
200
maybe we'll do some of the things I hear you like to do, like
scratch out all the "n-words" from Huck Finn or paste images
of gay penguins into random picture books.
How would we know they're gay penguins? Oh, we'd know.
This is the only good stuff from a week’s worth of posts:
I don't have kids.
It's not that I don't want kids, but the bidding got so high on
eBay that day when I put them up for sale that I couldn't
refuse the offer. Besides, if I reneged on the sale, my feedback
rating would plummet.
I put them up for sale as a joke, you know, as punishment. I

said, "If you don't settle down, I'm putting you up for sale on
eBay." And I logged in and wrote the description: "Evil child-
ren. Won't listen to parents. Good for stews."
A nice, old woman from the Black Forest bought them for 200
K (Krone) and a spell for eternal youth.
Boldly Going to Court.
It seems I need to engage the services of an attorney.
Apparently the Fox network has stolen my hilarious idea and

used it to create its own show about "lower level" workers on
the Starship Enterprise called Boldly Going Nowhere.
My strip is called Black Shirts and you saw some examples of the
hilarity back on the first few pages of this book. You remember,
right?
This is my own unique idea, that no person in the whole world

had ever imagined before I did it in January 2008. No one.
No one ever had the idea to parody Star Trek before. Not in
the 40 years since it was first broadcast on television has any-
one even considered making a comedy about the crew of the
Enterprise. I did it first.
Anyway, if you never read them, please read a couple of my

hilarious cartoons. That I did first. Before them. Thanks.
Oh, and by reading, you agree to be deposed in the coming lit-

igation against Fox. Thank you.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Why the Wikipedia Paradox will destroy the un-

iverse.
"Wikipedia does not publish original thought: all material in

Wikipedia must be attributable to a reliable, published
source."
(I read that at Wikipedia.)
Wikipedia is the first source for many journalists starting

their research.
If journalists continue to cite Wikipedia as a source, and Wi-

kipedia links to those articles for reliability, then Wikipedia
ultimately will use itself as a source, something its rules for-
bid: Catch-22.
202
When the published source relies on Wikipedia content, the

paradox arises.
Eventually Wikipedia "verifiability" will be supported entirely

by sources citing Wikipedia in one form or another, essential-
ly citing itself as expert.
How this hasn't happened yet, I don't know, but it should

happen soon. But I do know that when it does, Wikipedia will
vanish in a puff of logic. 142
This next post might not seem to make sense, but note the date;
it’s near Halloween.
Michael Myers warned as Halloween approaches
As Halloween draws near, police in Haddonfield, Illinois are

beefing up patrols and cracking down on serial murderers, of-
ficials said.
Children dressed as goblins and ghouls will be joined Oct. 31

by 35 sheriff's officers, officials said. Local police will also
check in with registered serial murderers on the two days be-
fore Halloween to make sure they follow the laws governing
their activities during the child-centric occasion, police said.
"Knock on wood, Halloween's been relatively mild the last

several years I can remember," said Sheriff Leigh Brackett, Jr.
142
What happens to God in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
The Division of Public Safety sent a letter this month to exact-

ly 1 registered serial murderer telling him to stay inside from
6 p.m. Oct. 31 until the next morning and not to answer his
door for trick-or-treaters, and especially not to kill them, said
Frederick Mixter, a spokesman for the public safety depart-
ment.
The letter also included a "No Murder" sign adorned with a

butcher knife graphic, which the offender was told to display
on the front door of his home. "Teens like to party in spooky
houses on Halloween," Mixter said, "but this sign should give
them plenty of warning to engage in their sexcapades else-
where, like in the vacant garage behind Roy's filling station.
That's where me and the missus go."
"We're trying to keep the public safe, and we're also trying to
make the serial murderers understand that they need to re-
main in compliance," Mixter said. "In this case, only one seri-
al murderer, but you get the point."
But Geoff Wilkins, attorney for the sole recipient of the public
safety letter, says his client, Michael Myers, in unfairly being
singled out. "Michael is a good kid, who because of his histo-
ry, is being targeted by law enforcement. It's pure harass-
ment," said Wilkins. "In the 30 years since the unfortunate
accident that resulted in the mutilations and deaths of Mi-
chael's family, the police have been blaming him for all kinds
of horrific crimes. This letter is the ultimate outrage because
the eye holes in Michael's killing mask make it impossible for
him to read the tiny print."
"But I say what I've always said when these crimes happen,"
Wilkins added, "look for the real killer because Michael was
with me all night bowling. You probably saw another seven-
foot-tall monster in a white William Shatner mask doing all
that killing."
204
Have you ever left an anonymous comment on your

own blog?

own blog praising a post?
own blog criticizing a post?
Have you ever left a signed comment on your own
blog praising or criticizing a post?
Have you ever started a flame war on your blog be-
tween your signed comments and your own anonym-
ous comments?
Anonymous said...
This blog sucks.
The Effing Librarian said...

No, you suck.
Anonymous said...
No, YOU suck!

You suck so much more than I ever could.
Anonymous said...
You are the suckingest sucker who ever sucked!!!!!

Touché. Well, I guess you win that round, my linguistic foe.
I think my blog would be much more interesting if I did that.

Gaming in libraries, old school.
When I was a kid, we used to play tag in the library.
This wasn't the usual version of tag where you run around and
chase someone, catch him, and shout "Tag! You're it." This
was library tag.
The number one rule of library tag was not to get caught play-
ing it. That meant you couldn't get caught by the librarian or
by a library patron while running or chasing or doing any of
the things one does when playing tag.
Our library was one huge atrium with a second floor overlook-
ing the lower. From three simple positions, the circulation,
children's and reference librarians could oversee 94% of the
public area.
The back of the elevator was clear acrylic and the stairs were
out in the middle of the main floor in the open, not tucked
away in the corners or concealed behind doors. If this were
WWII or Call of Duty, you'd be a dead man.
So this was slow tag, quiet tag. This was tag that involved
every other person in the library because if you got caught
misbehaving in the library, you got tossed out. And if you get
caught too many times, you might get banned from the li-
brary. And what would my mom say when I told her that I
couldn't wait in the library, after school, for her to pick me
up? I guess she'd say a lot after she caught her breath from
beating my ass.
So you could say that the.effing.librarian was an early advo-

cate for gaming in libraries.
206
Tag (shh) you're (shh) it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Texting for libraries.
I always love these proposals: that librarians need to use the

technology their customers use.
There is a new service out there at textalibrarian.com that of-

fers an easy way to let librarians answer questions sent from
mobile devices. Check out the groovy dude image on their
website compared to the dorky librarian image: Awesome! 143
The problem is, and this is absolutely fucking true, we are

smarter than these potential texting customers, and I'm really
sorry to say this to those high school or college students: we
are smarter than you. We can use your technology 50X better
than you can. And by better, I mean, more efficiently, with
greater utility, to solve actual problems.
You, on the other hand, continue to use technology as a wank

machine, shooting your digital DNA all over the technos-
phere. You text everyone for everything, using language that
no one understands. You text incomplete thoughts that are
completely dependent on another thought that you left out
from your message. You get offended when asked for clarifica-
tion. You get angry when you don't get the answer you want.
You, frankly, are an asshole. Your only purpose seems to be to
purchase technology, become bored or dissatisfied with its
performance and then purchase more. And then expect eve-
ryone else to do the same.
143
the dorky librarian image was on the blog: granny hair tied up in
back and rectangular-frame glasses
As it turns out, librarians do everything completely wrong. We

keep books which no one wants to read. We work in libraries
which no one wants to visit. We update web sites with every
possible bit of information we have which no one wants to
search through to find.
About the only thing we seem to do that's right is we take all

criticism seriously and try to make things better.
This solution might not work for us because, again, very

frankly, it's completely dependent on you keeping up your end
of the bargain which we all know you can't possibly do. But
another very important thing which is absolutely fucking true
is that librarians will keep trying. We will keep trying to make
it easier for you to find what you want, regardless of your ina-
bility to appreciate it.
Check out the sample questions that textalibrarian uses on

their animated gif:
"Do you have the Atlantis Prophecy on the shelf?"

"How long can I check out DVDs?"
"What are 2 great books about the Civil War?"
A librarian would have trouble with each of these questions.

Popular DVDs go out for one week, but you can get anything
with Woody Harrelson for a month.
And two great books about the Civil War? Which is probably
the most researched topic in American History… I can only
suggest two?
Plus, at a university, there could be several campuses with

several libraries each. So we have to be prepared for the in-
evitable long discussion to follow.
"Yes, that book is currently on the shelf at the Gladstone li-

brary."
208
"Where's that?"
"East campus. The large grey building with the bronze statue
of a phoenix out front."
"Is a phoenix like a bird?"
"Yes, it looks somewhat like a bird in that it has wings."
"OK"
"Do you think you can find it?"
"Is that the building by the Subway?"
"No."
"by the Einstein Bros?"
"Yes."
"Ok. How do I get the book?"
"It's here at the information desk now. Your initial query
asked if it was on the shelf; therefore, I inferred that you had a
basic knowledge of the library and how to locate materials in
it. It appears I overestimated your abilities. I apologize for
that. Although I've been told by colleagues that it's inevita-
ble."
For me, I'm already prepared for this new SMS library service.
I've created a batch file to send the following messages at 5-
second intervals to each person who texts me a question that
is impossible to answer through the tiny screen of their
phone:
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"Really. Dial my fucking phone number and talk to me."
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"Do you know how much time and energy is being wasted by
this transaction?"
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"Don't you realize that you are destroying a quarter acre of
South American rain forest each time you SEND a message?"
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"We have technology already in place for this request; it's
called a telephone."
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"You say some words and, this is the awesome part, I say
some words back IMMEDIATELY."
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"You never lose your train of thought because conversation
flows naturally."
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"Try it. I'm sitting right here waiting."
[1. 2. 3. 4. 5.]
"But wait a few minutes until I finish eating this bagel."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
What the hell was the Annoyed Librarian talking

about?
There's a little game I like to play called, What the hell was
the Annoyed Librarian talking about?
There's a another game I like to play called The Stormtrooper

Interrogates Princess Leia which begins with the familiar
line:
"Aren't you a little, uh, naked, for a Stormtrooper?"

But that's another story.
I don't know if you read The Annoyed Librarian blog, but she
posts stuff and lots of people comment. I mean lots. She could
post her grocery list and get 85 comments. By comparison,
the.effing.librarian usually gets none, zero.
On October 29, I left the following comment on her blog:

just curious, but after how many comments does the
thread take on its own life independent of the original
post? here, I think it's 14.
210
So what I like to do is not read her post, but jump directly to

the comments and scroll down to somewhere in the middle
and read, often something like this:
"Marcia was an awesome cheerleader until that football hit

her in the nose."
And I think, WTF was AL blogging that day? So I scroll back

up to see that the topic was something about libraries and kit-
ties making people feel good about themselves. Of course.
There's something positive to be said about being an unpopu-

lar blogger; I don't get confused when I read my own blog. I
don't have to read weird crap and wonder how all these idiots
found my site.
I assume people clicked here by accident looking for pictures

of naked librarians or library related sex toys or whatever goo-
fy googly search got them here. And then they left the site just
as they found it, like climbers of Mount Everest who take their
poop back down with them in tiny bags. My site is a well-
preserved monument to me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a naked Stormtrooper here to

see me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Open Positions at the.effing.librarian
Great News. The.effing.librarian is hiring full-time positons.
Have you ever wanted to work for the.effing.librarian?
Have you ever thought, "Hey, I'm one-part funny, two-parts

librarian, and three-parts awesome"?
Then did you think, "How many parts is that? Because

that's six parts of something, and I don't know what standard
I'm supposed to use. What if I'm meant to have 100 parts?
That leaves me ninety-four parts unknown. Well, now I'm
scared. What kind of monster am I?"
If you've asked yourself those questions, then you could live

the dream and become a full-time contributor to
the.effing.librarian.
Do you like long hours?

Do you have $500 to loan the.effing.librarian until he
can pay you back?
Do you have a car? Can you give me a lift while I'm be-
tween cars? Really, it's on the way.
There are only 3 requirements:

1. An MLS from an accredited institution.
2. $500.
3. Awesomeness.
Benefits include,
Health Insurance: sharing my HMO. But you have to

pretend to be my spouse. Yes, you have to make it
look convincing. Yes, including doing that. I said con-
vincing.
Unpaid leave.
An effinglibrarian coffee mug (after completion of six-
month probationary period).
Some people say that there aren't any professional library jobs
out there, but here at the.effing.librarian we say, "Can you
make that check out to 'cash'?"
212
What would Google look like if it was built by libra-

rians?
ReadWriteWeb 144 asks this question, What would Google

look like if it was built by librarians?
But here is the true answer:
First, Googol 145 would be spelled correctly.
And it would be made of wood. Because wood is strong and

durable and withstands the abuse put upon it by the uncaring
public.
Then it would be given a cute and silly name like "Good Gol-
ly, this is a great search tool!" This is so the librarians could
brand their product because librarians are all ‗bout the brand.
Googol would get weeded regularly so that all the old, unused,
dusty web sites get discarded from the index.
Googol would close at 9:00 p.m. and all major holidays.
Finally, Googol would get hacked into oblivion and shut down
because the librarians used the word "password" for the
password.
144
http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/google_if_built_by_librarians.p
hp
145
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Google
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Old rich white people gaming at your library.
LISNews reported on a Washington City Paper story about

The West End Library in Washington D.C. where many of the
library patrons are "older, richer, whiter members of the
neighborhood." 146
To accommodate the older, richer, whter patrons, the West
End Library schedules game nights where they play
Waltz Waltz Revolution (WWR), which is a slower,

richer, whiter version of the classic DDR. And they
play
World of WASPcraft, where the older, richer, whiter
patrons can rule the lands of 5-star hotels and Swiss
banks as a "half-Mage, half-Corporate Litigator" with
+9 Intimidation and Unlimited Credit.
Older, richer, whiter library patrons can enjoy game nights as

much as teens. As long as the games are tailored to their spe-
cific cultural backgrounds.
So if you are not providing these programs, then ask why is

your library so insensitive to this group of library user? I say
you should embrace the old, rich, white people,... but not too
hard because they crumble into dust.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Race and the Presidency in America.
146
http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/citydesk/2008/11/12/dc-
libraries-not-a-homeless-shelter/
214
Sorry. I am going to piss you off when you read this.
Sorry.
I don't mean to detract from Barack Obama's accomplishment

of rising from relative obscurity to become President; hell, I
even voted for him, and I really like McCain.
I was going to keep this to myself because I'd had two days
without reading or hearing about the Historic Presidential
election we just had in the U. S. A., but then I saw one more
story that used the term historic, so I have to say this, re-
gardless of how you might feel. So here it goes:
Why is this historic? Is it that he's black? Why should the col-
or of his skin matter? It doesn't seem to matter to Obama,
who referred to himself as a "mutt."
And then I realized that if it doesn't matter to him, then it

must matter to us. When we say this election made history,
we mean we made history.
WE made history by being the first generation enlightened

enough to elect a black person President. Sure, the Greatest
Generation fought Nazis and defeated Hitler, but we voted for
a black man. And the "founding fathers" fought for indepen-
dence from a foreign power, but we voted for a black man.
The North fought The South and Lincoln delivered the Eman-
cipation Proclamation, but we clicked on a website to donate
some money to a political campaign and brought real change.
So now I understand everything. When I voted for Obama, I

didn't give him my vote because I thought he was the margi-
nally better candidate, I did it to prove that I'm a better
person than every American who has ever lived be-
fore me.
So when I read about this Historic Presidency, I know now

that it was I, and no one else, who made history.
This next post isn’t very good, but sometimes I have an idea that I
must execute, regardless of its inferior quality. I don’t even think
it’s funny. But it’s got to be said.
Friday, November 21, 2008
The ALA: the NRA of Porn.
I love libraries. And I love guns. If the ALA and NRA com-
bined into a new organization, I would be the first to join. The
American Library and Rifle Association would be awesome:
Yes, sir, the loan period on Texas Rich by Fern Michaels is 14

days, but you can keep that Remington 7600 for 28 days.
No, we don't sell bullets here at the desk, but there's a car-
tridge vending machine in the lobby. You may fire the rifle in
the gun range by the meeting room, but before you enter,
please silence your cell phone.
I try to calculate how many books I'd need to get behind to

stop a bullet if I saw some crazy person start shooting up the
library. I'd like to think a couple of hardcover books could
save my life, but I don't know. And that's exactly the reason
why the ALA and NRA would make such a great team; books
could be evaluated by their stopping-power. 147
You could say that there are no similarities between these two
organizations, but I'd argue that they are very similar. The
American Library Association defends the First Amendment
147
this guy does it: http://www.theboxotruth.com/docs/bot31.htm
216
to the Constitution of the United States of American, and the

National Rifle Association fights to protect the Second.
The First Amendment guarantees a right to privacy, and the

ALA would argue that this right extends into the public li-
brary, extends into the Internet, and protects an individual's
right to view sexually oriented material ("monkey porn") in
this semi-public arena.
The Second Amendment guarantees something about arms

and militias that no one seems to understand, and protects
my right to own a ceramic and polymer fully-automatic ma-
chine pistol, invisible to X-rays.
But if the First Amendment can protect porn videos which

didn't exist when the Bill of Rights was drafted (regardless of
what weird stuff Ben Franklin had hidden in his bedroom),
then the Second Amendment must go all the way back to The
Bible when Cain killed Abel, with the prevailing theory being
that things would have different if God had used another of
Adam's ribs to make Abel a Glock.
So the National Rifle Association defends idiots who own gre-

nade launchers for the obvious reason that "bears is big." And
the American Library Association has expanded on Justice
Marshall's privacy opinion to include allowing a man to view
video of a "donkey show" on any computer in a public library
because it's educational.
In order to defend the broadest freedoms promised by The

Constitution, each of these associations promotes the broad-
est stupidity.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Twilight, Effing Twilight
Here is my obligatory Twilight 148 post. Which I know nothing

about.
But now I see from reviews that the movie version of Twilight
is just some beautiful brooding poets jumping through the
forest, who want to see their lives shine, like A Chorus Line,
but with more choreography.
So I think I'll skip this. Because really, what old man wants to
sit in a dark movie theater surrounded by teenage girls?
Monday, November 24, 2008
Text and the Single Girl.
MSNBC has a story on one women who was horrified to see

her date text someone during dinner 149.
Come on, this has been going on forever. On my first date

with "Tom," a handsome Virginian and author of the Declara-
tion of Independence, I recall that this happened, as I record-
ed it in my journal:
He retrieved a fresh quill from his coat and fashioned

a nib with his penknife. Spots of ink appeared on the
table as he removed the stopper from the inkwell
which was also pulled from a coat pocket.
148
popular vampire novel for teens, mainly girls
149
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27294186/?GT1=43001
218
As he unrolled the fresh parchment to cover a sub-

stantial area of the dinner table, I began to feel a tre-
mendous sense of foreboding as to how the evening
might play out. Was that a shadow or a turn of his lip
that altered his smile into that cruel appearance? The
ink rushed to the parchment in harsh dabs and
strokes. Was he texting another? Was it about me? If
only I had been allowed to learn to read.
So since before the 1770's when I was a girl and up till now,
men have always behaved rudely toward women.
The only solution I can recommend is for revenge: if the rela-

tionship advances to the point where you become intimate
and you are shtupping; when he is deeply involved in the
moment, take out a book and begin to read. If he complains,
just tell him, "Sorry, but this is a really good part. You contin-
ue; you're not interrupting me."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Did the Internet break its promise?
What did the Internet really promise?
So I'm reading this article that was linkyed here 150. And it's
talking about how the Internet is so big, that people fear it
and cluster together in tiny tribes to feel safe. Well, it didn't
say that, actually, but it said other stuff that was so painfully
obvious that it was, um, painful.
What it really says is that people go where people go. And we

all go to the same places and learn the same stuff. And the ar-
ticle argues that the Internet somehow is alive and is burying
research it doesn't like, or something.
150
http://lisnews.org/does_web_help_or_hamper_research
The author also believes that when you browse through a

journal, you often come across information that you weren't
necessarily searching for, but could aid your research. You
mean like, don't rush through life because you'll miss the im-
portant stuff? You mean like, stop and smell the roses? You
mean this obvious advice that we all seem to ignore because
our time is limited and we all want to be where everyone else
is so that we don't seem like losers, so we all rush back and
forth to Twitter and Facebook and Boing Boing and Lifehack-
er so we won't feel left out?
Seriously, what the fuck did anyone expect from the Internet?
The Internet never promised anything. We anthropomor-
phized it like when we think the cat is enjoying watching Gen-
eral Hospital with us. When we watch GH, we have a snack
and we give a treat to the cat; that's why she's sitting here! She
doesn't give a crap about what's on GH!!! Ooh, Jax did what,
Mr. Boots? Oh, my, Carly won't sit for that! More tuna, Mr.
Boots? (I have no idea what I just wrote since I don't have a
cat and don't watch soaps. But Mr. Boots was my adult film
name when I was working my way through college.)
I go online and read the news. I click on Entertainment and

read that news. Then I click US News or Tech News or World
News. And of course, I click on the Most Popular stories to
read the same 42 bits that everyone else reads. Come one,
who doesn't know that astronauts are drinking their own
urine? And who hasn't heard about the guy suing McDonald's
because the naked pictures of his wife that were on his phone
ended up on the Internet when the guy on the phone told him
he would keep the phone safe and not upload any naked pic-
tures he finds on the phone to the Web: he promised.
But if I picked up a newspaper, I might find other stories that

didn't make it into those popular collections of news. And that
newspaper might get me interested in other topics that I can
then search on the Internet.
220
See? That was the promise of the Internet, if anything. That

it's easy to search. The Internet never promised to make me a
better searcher or thinker; it only said, Hey, whatever you're
looking for, I can help you find it... if it's in a place that I can
find. So if people are more likely to search for what they al-
ready know, then why is that the Internet's fault?
Poor, poor Internet, you get blamed for everything. But you're
always there when I'm lonely. What? New stuff happened
since last night? Oh, tell me!
I have a line of tee-shirts for sale that bare the phrase, “effing
right, I’m a librarian.” At the time, I thought it was super clever,
and I thought hundreds of librarians would buy one.
Give the Gift of Love.
For that next gift, please buy him or her or it an Effing Libra-
rian t-shirt.
They're perfect for, oh, God, I don't know,...
Holy Crap! What the hell was I thinking??!!!!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Whoopsy!
I was just trying to pay a bill online and I received this mes-
sage along with this image 151:
There seems to be a problem accessing the site. We apologize

for the inconvenience. Please try again later.
Look at this chick with her scales of injustice arms and cocked
head and the pointed toe. Nothing says, Oh, well, tough shit.
Nothing I can do about it, better than that.
"We apologize for the inconvenience" does not go with that

image. That is not the apology pose. The apology pose is
slightly bowed with hands clasped together.
This is an official response from a huge corporation! This the

We're a fucking monopoly, so what are you gonna do about
it? pose.
Imagine the response from a company that's not so big; may-

be they have a picture of a guy taking a shit onto a keyboard.
For all the librarians who suggest that libraries act more like a
business, I am personally accepting that challenge and adopt-
ing this pose whenever we have a problem in our library.
The Internet is Down.

That bathroom is Out of Order.
We can't ban kids/ the homeless from the library.
No, I haven't seen your cell phone/ laptop/ keys/ wal-
let/ toddler.
All the copies of Twilight are checked out.
You shouldn't have sat there if the seat was wet.
Your car got towed because you can't park there.
Drive-bys happen!
I'm on break.
151
the picture might still be here:
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z213/effinglibrarian/SA_82.jpg
222
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
An Open Letter to Congress.
Dear United States Congress,
It is imperative that Congress appropriate $100 million for

libraries. Libraries are essential for freedom, yadda, yadda.
And if you can't manage that, can you get me some money to
cover my ass for buying the world's most expensive magazine?
ITP Publishing produced a one-of-a-kind 14K gold and 622

diamonds cover for the April 2008 launch of Kohl magazine.
And I bought it for our library. Yeah, awesome, huh. I knew
you'd appreciate that, since you, Congress, are known for pay-
ing $600 for a hammer.
But it really wasn't my fault, the ISSN was one digit off from
the Journal of Retired Precious Moments Figurines Quarter-
ly. Besides, I was thinking how great it would be to have a sol-
id gold and diamond-encrusted magazine in the library to
bring in the crowds. I thought it would attract more people
than even our "Wii - Fit Back into our Old Pants" Nights at
the library. And so, purchasing that one issue devoured our
entire 2008-2009 budget.
Without immediate assistance, I don't think our library can

survive. And as you know, for every $1 spent on libraries, the
community receives back a gajillion dollars in Monopoly
money or space credits or something; don't ask me, I'm not
good with numbers, duh.
So please get this check out to me asap. Yeah, make it out to

Cash.
Update: The most expensive magazine in the world was stolen

because we loaned it out but forgot to take I.D. Whoopsy!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Happy Birthday, Computer Mouse!
Where would librarians be without the computer mouse?

Where would I be without that dagger-like pain that shoots up
the back of my hand and across the top of my wrist from
hours of mouse dragging? I think I've been using a mouse for
computer work for the past 22 years, with a brief break in
1992 when I went to library school when we had no comput-
ers at all... because who needs to learn to use those?
But December 9 marks the 40th birthday of the computer

mouse. The very first computer mouse weighed in at a whop-
ping 417 pounds and was over 6 feet long. The "mouse techni-
cian" actually sat inside (see photo) of the mouse and operat-
ed it with foot pedals which propelled the mouse around on
the floor. Moving the cursor a distance of three inches on the
computer monitor required the technician to peddle a dis-
tance of 20 feet.
The top image shows the mouse and mouse driver. The mid-
dle image shows the undercarriage of the mouse with for-
ward/backward and left/right turning wheels. The bottom
image shows the 30,000 watt power supply. The first mouse
consumed as much electricity as all of downtown Cleveland,
Ohio. Which in 1968 was only one Dairy Queen and the movie
theater that played Planet of the Apes for the whole year, but
still...
Accurate information can be found at MouseSite 152. Because,

yes, I made all this up. Except for the birthday which is real.
152
http://sloan.stanford.edu/MouseSite/1968Demo.html
224
Thursday, December 4, 2008
:(
:P
8-o
:)
B(
XD
:\
"...may lead to social awkwardness, an inability to interpret

nonverbal messages, isolation... 153"
You've seen me naked.
There's a whole chorus of idiot librarians who chant, "Give

'em what they want" when it comes to what libraries should
do for the public.
Why the hell did I go to library school to learn liberrianship if

all I'm going to do is what people tell me? You think I went to
medical school? You think I'm a doctor? You think you can
walk in off the street and demand some new drug that you
don't need and could probably kill you and that I'll just sign a
prescription because the pharmaceutical company gives me a
free week in Kyoto if I do? Wait. Bad example.
According to CosmoGirl 154 (yes, I read CosmoGirl; I'm a life-

time subscriber):
153
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081203/ap_on_sc/sci_digital_brain
154
http://www.cosmogirl.com/lifeadvice/sex-and-tech-stats
A significant percentage of teens (ages 13-19) and

young adults (20-26) have electronically sent or post-
ed online nude or semi-nude pictures or videos of
themselves:
• 22% of teen girls
• 18% of teen boys
• 36% of young adult women
• 31% of young adult men
[Reposted from USAToday 155, but the original survey data are
here. 156]
So let's extrapolate some math based on these numbers. If

22% of teen girls and 36% of young adult women have posted
naked pictures of themselves online, which is a 63% increase,
then by the time you reach the perfectly ripe age of
the.effing.librarian, 100% of us have posted pictures or video
of ourselves naked on the Internet!
But let's get back to the naked teens. If the girl or boy wants
help sending their naked or semi-naked pictures to someone
on the Internet, should we help them? Should librarians just
give them what they want? There's a whole list of things libra-
rians shouldn't be doing, and when I get some free time, I
might compile it, but right now I'm watching Quark 157, so
maybe later.
I think I went to library school to learn what librarians should

and shouldn't do. I don't accept free publications from hate
groups and distribute them in the library. But maybe I'm
wrong. Maybe I'm censoring important information. Unfor-
tunately, our job requires us to judge things worthy of distri-
bution. If we only do what people want of us, then why the
155
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2008-12-09-
high-tech-flirting_N.htm
156
http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/sextech/
157
imdb.com/title/tt0077066/
226
fuck don't we just keep Amazon.com or some adult DVD site

open on a public computer and let everyone order whatever
the fuck they want and the library will pay for it?
Because, guess what? We don't fucking do that. Librarians

know better than that. Or it seems, up to a point. But don't get
me started on that list, the two Betty's are wearing hot pants
(yes, still watching Quark).
What we should be telling out patrons is:

"Don't you realize that five minutes after you upload
that photo, it's going to be in that guy's email?"
"No, sexxybabii is not a good password."
"Don't you understand how this shit works???!!!"
So go and look for my video; search for librarian and fine

booty. I know that's what you want.
The best job. Ever.
THIS IS NOT A LIE: I'm a professionally trained brassiere fit-

ter. I went to a class and everything, and I know sixty-one dif-
ferent ways to say boobies. Look, my certification is right here
on my driver's license, right next to my "Awesomeness Donor"
sticker. If I die, I have enough awesome to help ten regular
people.
Just imagine the.effing.librarian, telling women he can help

them find their correct bra size. And then having security
eject him from Disneyland. Because you can't fondle women
just because they sit in front of you on Space Mountain.
But there's a story at U.S.News & World Report about the best
careers 158 and librarian made the list. And there's some dis-
cussion about this on the various blogs.
Some have argued that library school is a huge waste of time

and money for all sorts of reasons: we don't learn any useful,
real world stuff; there are no jobs; and if we get one, we make
very little money. And there are things done by people in the
library bathrooms that would make even Will Rogers hate
them.
But I'm glad I went to library school and have a library job. I
have my job because I went (and graduated, as this "real" dip-
loma proves). It's those first four years of college that didn't
help.
If you tell anyone what you did in college for your four-year
degree, they will nod and agree that it was a waste. I have a
degree in literature and I sold bras for a living. My friend has
a degree in political science and he sells food products. My
other friend has criminal something degree and he has a
badge and carries a gun to work: well, two out of three degree
pursuits sucked.
So I appreciate that I was able to get that library degree. And

that I have this job, even if it isn't perfect. But is it one of the
best careers? Is it better than being a bra salesman? Not sure.
I mean both jobs are quite a handful. (Rimshot! Thank you
very much ladies and gentlemen. I'm here all week.)
158
http://www.usnews.com/articles/business/best-
careers/2008/12/11/best-careers-2009-librarian.html
228
Witnessed stupidity.
I was in the mall today as a woman approached the directory

to find the location of a particular store, and before she could
begin her search, her husband stopped her and said, "Don't
waste your time. I have my GPS turned on."
I have my GPS turned on. So we've reached the point where

we need satellites to help us find Sears.
Library New Year's Resolutions.
I was just reading a story about how librarians in Louisiana

have been banned from accepting cookies and cakes from
their library patrons 159. Because public libraries are govern-
ment agencies, librarians are often barred from accepting
gifts, unless that gift can be shared with everyone. So we ac-
cept chocolates, but we have to leave them out in the open for
everyone to enjoy (but not out in the open in front of the pa-
trons, that would be just stupid).
Some patrons understand how their holiday gift could be

viewed by the public or the press ("Corrupt Librarians Trade
Favors for Ding-Dongs"), so they've learned to play along.
When the thankful delivers a huge box of Godiva chocolates, I
accept the box, then hand back an egg salad sandwich while
proclaiming loud-enough-for-all-to-hear: "No, I cannot accept
this egg salad sandwich at Christmas as a thank-you for all of
my hard work." Or I pocket the $20 and hand back $1 while
modifying the announcement, "I could never accept a dollar
as a gift. Nope, never a single dollar. Cough. Cough."
159
http://ohmygov.com/blogs/general_news/archive/2008/12/22/la-
librarians-barred-from-accepting-holiday-cookies.aspx
All year long, we work hard for our customers. We get them to
the right websites and show them where to apply for state aid
or unemployment or even employment. We help them print
their airline boarding passes. We listen to their complaints.
We do hours of work that could cost them hundreds of dollars
in the private sector and we charge nothing. We clean up their
messes after they fuck around with everything.
So I don't understand why I can't have a treat once in a while.

I have to take their shit, but I can't take their cookies.
Why can't I ever say, "I'm sorry, sir, but as a government em-
ployee, I can't take your shit. It could be seen as a conflict of
interest"? That would be great. "Unless you've brought
enough shit for everyone. Did you want to give some shit to all
these other people? Especially that big guy over there. Sir, this
man would like to give you some shit."
So at least once a year, I try to remember how grateful I am to

have a job that pays me pretty good money and keeps me out
of jail. And Christmas is as good a time as any to remember
and be thankful. Because I'm a Lorax and this is when we
worship trees.
So at this moment of weakness, here are my New Year's Reso-

lutions for 2009:
1. I will try to not be mad when upstart blogs get thou-

sands of readers only two months after they start
posting; yes, I mean, Fuck You, Fuck You, Penguin 160,
you NKOTB, hilarious motherfucker. Yes, I'm mad
now, but I'll try to not be after the First. But for now,
suck a fat one.
160
http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/
230
2. I will continue to be more appreciative of all the hard

work and effort others make in the world. I know that
everyone has a job, and that job might suck, so I try to
remember that when I interact with other people at
their jobs. Most people try really hard to get things
right, and I want them to know that it's working. So I
smile back and say, Thank You, so they can think that
maybe, just maybe, they kept that crazy man from
murdering people: "I think I stopped this crazy guy
from killing someone, like maybe a whole school bus
filled with children, like a children's choir, who would
spend their last moments singing, 'Oh, Holy Night' as
he drove them off a bridge. Yeah, I think I kept that
from happening."
3. I will lose weight. Yeah, I know I've been letting my-

self go and you don't want to sleep with me anymore.
But I'm still a man, damn it, and I have needs. So I'll
lose the gut and do some push-ups. But you'll have to
lose those panties once in a while. (Oh, wait, where
am I writing this?)
Is three resolutions enough? Yeah. Otherwise, I'm perfect.
Monday, December 29, 2008
You text like a girl.
I was just reading a story on MSN about whether schools

should continue to teach handwriting.161
How can we continue to make fun of the boy with the femmy
handwriting if we don't teach it in school?
161
http://www.good.is/?p=8133&GT1=34127
How will we be able to identify the serial killers without that

sharply angled "y" in their diaries? Will smileys and emoti-
cons assist criminal profilers equally?

Oh, look, he told us he was preparing for a killing spree

right here.
I don't know about you, but when I see someone who can only
print and doesn't know cursive writing, I think he's kind of an
idiot, like some ranch hand who can only make an X for his
name. I think good handwriting says a lot about how your
brain organizes information. Lots of corrections and cross-
outs means you can't focus on one idea.
Like when I write my blog posts, you can't see just how many
mistakes I make when I type. If you could see this written out
on paper, you'd think I was a serial murderer for sure.
Monday, December 29, 2008
The Internet is Us.
I was reading about the Australian Internet filter 162 and the
free speech arguments against it, and I realized that the days
of free speech on the Internet are numbered.
The more we do on the Internet and the more it becomes a

necessary and even integrated part of our lives, the greater the
likelihood that governments will treat it like a physical loca-
tion, like a street.
162
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/techpolicy/2008-12-26-
australia-internet_N.htm
232
There are laws against what you can't do on the street. You
can't walk your dog naked (tell me Florida, who was I hurt-
ing?!); you can't have a strip club or liquor store too near a
school; you can't throw stuff at people from a speeding car...
lots of stuff is illegal.
Governments can limit access to roads or require licenses for

how we travel them.
It's like anything; the government might step in and say what
can't be available on the Internet. First it's okay for a person
to walk his dog barefoot, then maybe shirtless, but as soon as
the pants come off, it's suddenly everybody's business what I
do with my life.
People can protest all they want, but they will lose. The roads
have stop signs and traffic lights and sidewalks and painted
yellow lines to keep us all moving smoothly through traffic.
And right now, the Internet is a dirt road with bulldozers and
stream rollers perched on the horizon waiting to flatten the
ground and pave roads. And we won't have any control over
which direction we can go. Try driving your car on the side-
walk in any major city today and see what happens to you.
The government is going to filter the Internet for our own

good because we have no self control. Because the Internet is
us, and we are naked.
Microsoft receives coveted "hooker" patent.
Microsoft has been awarded a patent that allows them to

charge a user for the level of service he selects and uses from a
hardware or software package, otherwise known as a "bro-

thel" or "hooker menu."
[from Ars Technica 163, December 29, 2008.]
As men who acquire the services of prostitutes know, the

amount you pay is based on the services provided. And these
services are many and often packaged as a bundle, or pro-
vided à la carte.
Common names for bundled services are:

the around-the-world;
the half-and-half;
the johnny-come-lately;
the New Jersey Turnpike;
and the two-eggs-any-style.
I won't detail the services provided for each menu item; try
ordering one and surprise yourself.
A prostitute can provide virtually any level of service, from a

simple catch-and-release lasting a few minutes to a full-blown
nuclear meltdown that takes all night. The movie Pretty
Woman dramatizes this type of service transaction in this
scene:
[after negotiating a price of three thousand dollars]

Vivian (Julia Roberts): I would have stayed for two
thousand.
Edward Lewis (Richard Gere): I would have paid four.
As the article points out, Microsoft has the patent to negotiate

a scalable pricing schedule. But when blow jobs can be had for
$1 at the bus station, can Microsoft set a price that will appeal
to customers? (Okay, the article didn't mention blow jobs and
bus stations, but it could have.)
163
http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20081229-microsoft-patents-
granular-approach-to-computer-leasing.html
234
How the USPTO can grant a patent for a "pay as you go" pric-
ing scheme which has been in practice for thousands of years
is anyone's guess. Maybe it's because hookers don't carry ac-
tual service menus, so Microsoft could claim they came up
with it first.
I miss the twentieth century already.
I miss movies in theaters. I miss handwritten letters. I miss

talking on the phone while sitting in an easy chair. I miss
drinking water from a faucet. I miss video taping television
shows. I miss the promise of the future. I miss Hollywood
movie stars. I miss VHF/UHF. I miss doodling on paper. I
miss real butter. I miss pop top cans. And I miss newspapers.
I'm going to try to read the newspaper more often.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Coming Soon: the SpiPhone.
It won't be long before every mobile phone call you make is

stored on some server and converted to full-text and indexed
for easy access.
Some people worry that the government monitors our private

conversations, but I think it will be us who give away our pri-
vacy voluntarily because it will make our lives more conve-
nient.
How many times have you wished you could remember exact-
ly what someone said or what you said to someone over the
phone? You get in the car and suddenly blank on why you're
there. You access your recent calls by saying, "Find Mum to-
day" until you hear mum's voice, "Johnny, be a good boy and
go round the shops and pick us up a packet of crisps." And
you remember, and drive off to get your mom a snack. (Sorry
for my fake English "mum," but I just saw The Bank Job, so
I'm temporarily suffering from Foreign Accent Syndrome.)
Voice recognition keeps getting better and storage is cheap, so

it shouldn't be long before your cell phone can offer this ser-
vice. Whatever you say will be converted from audio to text
and available for email, or even blackmail. Imagine being able
to produce a transcript of any call you make to prove someone
said something they now claim they never said? Cool, huh?
And fucking terrifying. Do you really want a written account
of everything you say on the phone? As a testament to our pa-
thetic worthless lives? (How many times do you say, y'know
or right or um over the phone? Or just laugh and say some-
thing unintelligible?)
I'm guessing this is available now, right? Does the iPhone

have this? How hard can it be? I know there are levels of this
available now, but I'm talking about searchable data, about
talking on the phone and then retrieving information from
that call at a later time by requesting a search through every
word said during the conversation.
Maybe I'm wrong about the amount of storage or processing

power needed to convert analog audio to digital and then to
text and then to index it all. I see that the BlackBerry can cur-
rently only covert up to 3 minutes of speech to text.
So if it isn't available now, it should be soon. I guess the ques-

tion then would be, how important is convenience? Because I
always say, The road to Hell is paved with Convenience.
236
On a side note, I am playing with a text to voice site at AT&T

164 and making Juliette, a French voice, say to me, "Oh baby,
you are the best." And I think I'm in love.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A letter from J. D. Salinger.
"Hey, everybody. It's me, Jerome. Yeah, that's what the J

stands for. So now you know why I use my initials. Anyway, I
just turned 90, as mentioned in this piece in the New York
Times 165 where the author speculated on how I wouldn't cele-
brate my birthday. But I had a party like normal people, and
since I have an aggressive sweet tooth, I had ice cream cake.
I'm partial to the Fudgy the Whale cake from Carvel.
Anyway, like you, I thought I was already dead, too, since the
literary world hasn't heard from me for almost 30 years, who
knew? But I'm fine. It's weird to think that there are newspa-
pers with twenty-year-old obituaries about me that haven't
needed updating since I haven't done anything newsworthy.
Through the years, there have been times when I wanted to
emerge from my self-imposed isolation. I wanted to say some-
thing when Elvis died. And I cried when River Phoenix died;
he had so much promise. And I wrote letters to Britney Spears
and Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton that I never sent. It's not
important what I wrote. I thought about trying to get tickets
to President Obama's inauguration, but then I thought about
the crowds and the cold and figured I'd just Tivo the thing.
What have I been doing all these years? Where to start,...

where to start... well, I edit a blog called "Phony Bastards,"
which is kind of a celebrity blog with pictures of actress war-
drobe malfunctions and celebrity mug shots. It's on
164
http://www.research.att.com/%7Ettsweb/tts/demo.php
165
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/31/books/31sali.html
Wordpress. And back in the Seventies, I wrote a sequel to

Catcher in the Rye, with Holden on a cross-country trip with
his pet chimpanzee, but then Every Which Way But Loose
came out and it was a huge hit, so I shitcanned that manu-
script.
What else keeps me active? I laughed at Borat. And I wrote a

script for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer that I sent in anony-
mously that was never used. But I don't mind because Joss
Whedon's a genius, and I still microwave some popcorn on
Saturday nights and watch the DVDs. Other than that, I have-
n't written much. So it's no surprise if no one remembers who
I am when I finally kick it.
I'm thinking I should license my stuff for television or com-

mercials. You know, have a modern Holden star in kind of a
Dawson's Creek thing. What do you think?
Or how about this for a commercial for my Mac:

―When I don't write anything, I don't write it on my MacBook
Air.‖
Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, I think I'm going to make some

calls. I'm back, baby!"
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
China is our new ISP.
Our librarians are tired of dealing with porn. If we don't filter

out the porn, we have to endure accidental glances at "scat"
video and deal with the many patron complaints; but if we fil-
ter, we get that usual holier-than-thou look down their noses
attitude from the "true" librarians, the guardians of free
speech.
238
So from this moment on, we will cease filtering the Internet.

But we will also block the porn. Because we're moving our
server to China. Thank you, China, for blocking all the porn.
Now we can have the best of both worlds: no porn plus no

guilt. If someone wants to complain that he can't use Google
Images, we refer him to Hu Jintao, General Secretary of the
Communist Party of China, President of the People's Republic
of China.
Who do I contact about lifting the filter?
That's right.
Who?
Yes.
What?
No, Hu.
Who?
Of course.
Oh, the hilarity!
And yes, China also blocks the BBC and CNN and Greenpeace
and the Library of Congress and... but really, it's worth it.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Veni, vidi, youtubi.
I wept for the human race today. I was watching President-

elect Obama on C-SPAN as he moved through a crowd today
at a Washington D.C. high school one day (okay, I don't know

for sure when this was recorded) before he is to be sworn in as
our 44th President, and many people spoke with him and
shook his hand. But some, and this is why I wept, could only
look at Obama through the tiny screens on their phones or
cameras. Obama was within two feet, and seemingly happy to
meet any and all who wanted to reach out to him. He was no-
ticeably exhausted, but with each new face, he found the
energy to smile and look at each person and listen to their
words. If I had any doubts about his ability to handle his new
job, they vanished as I watched.
But look at those people, I thought. Look, Obama is right next

to you. Look at his face; he wants to meet you. He's here to
meet you. But these few idiots continued to look at him
through their mini screens, as if nothing existed unless it was
rendered into pixels.
I don't understand. I understand the power of television. And

I understand the importance of having a cool video on you
MySpace page, but when did that become more important
than meeting a real person? Shaking his hand? Saying hello?
I have nothing against anyone who said hello and took some
video. Those people have the best of both worlds. The people
who have no video, well maybe their friends will believe they
met Obama, and maybe they won't.
But those people who have completely abandoned this need

for human contact, I don't know. Maybe reality is changing.
Maybe nothing truly exists until someone clicks on it.
If a video is uploaded on the Internet and no one plays it, does

it make a sound?
240
Friday, January 23, 2009
OCLC vs. Everyone
Firstly, I'm no cataloger. And the ―C‖ I got in Doris Clack's

Bibliographic Organization class in library school is definite
proof. So what I have to say about cataloging records should
be understood as coming from one who ain't got a clue.
But I've been a librarian for over 15 years, and I've seen
people do original cataloging and I've seen them do copy cata-
loging. I've seen them do the actual work or pay to get the cat-
alog record. And either way, I would guess that the record for
that item belongs to the library that paid for the work to get
done or paid for someone to download it. But now I guess I
would be wrong because OCLC is taking the stand that all
your record are belong to us 166.
Now, I'm busy getting all the cream filling out of this here
package of Oreos so I can dunk the chocolate cookie part into
my bourbon that I don't have the time to read the OCLC posi-
tion, so I still have lots of questions:
What I want to know is, at what point do libraries own

the records in their catalogs?
Is there a point where OCLC "sold" records to libraries
in bad faith (since libraries were not informed that the
records belonged to OCLC in perpetuity)?
Is there anti-monopoly legislation that applies to an
organization like OCLC that attempts to control a
commodity too tightly?
How can OCLC claim intellectual property to some-
thing which is already widely known such as a MARC
record?
166
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_your_base_are_belong_to_us
Can't someone say they cataloged the same item iden-

tically independently? How could OCLC prove other-
wise?
And where does the Library of Congress fit into this? Don't
they have a database of records? Can libraries use these?
Now I believe OCLC has rights. But I'm not sure what they are
or should be. Should all records "sold" to libraries before
2009 become public domain records since OCLC policy was
not clearly established? And then should libraries decide
whether to continue their relationship with OCLC for their fu-
ture cataloging needs?
This is the problem I've always had with electronic product:

what are we really paying for, and what do we own? For ex-
ample, now that Apple is making their content DRM-free,
iPod customers need to repurchase music they already owned
in order to own it again for real. I always ask this about our
library databases that we purchase and then discard our print
resources that are now available electronically. What do we
own? Can we download the database and keep it on our server
and then cancel our subscription? What if you change the
content and remove something we value and put that content
into another database that we now need to buy (again)? Why
the hell did we dump all those perfectly good books?
Sites like Wikipedia and LibraryThing and Facebook have

proven that lots of people have a lot of free time to create con-
tent. And maybe libraries need to tap into this pool of free la-
bor to create all new records from scratch. Lord knows, I don't
have nearly enough to do during the day so that I could prob-
ably help. But thank goodness, I'm so nearly completely in-
competent that I'm really only qualified to supervise.
242
Monday, January 26, 2009
In Praise of Lying.
Society must have a problem with us lying. There's a new

show on Fox called Lie To Me where the investigators observe
human physiological changes and facial expressions to divine
when one is lying. Police dramas are always trying to get a
confession from a suspect. Forensic pathologists try to as-
semble the truth of the crime from fragments of evidence.
But lying is different. Everyone lies. Mostly we just withhold

truths, but when pushed, and the truth is too valuable to re-
veal, we all lie.
Lies are comforting in that they diminish immediate stress.

Lies are difficult for most people in that they need to be re-
membered and tagged with the same labels as their sibling
truths, similar but different, like twin Haley Millses sharing
parents.
If cornered, I would lie about authoring this blog. And on the

Internets, I would lie about my age, gender, or species. But
how could you tell if you don't know me. You can't see my
face, my lazy eye, my hump back, my excessive drooling.
But some people think they can tell. This guy says he can tell
who is lying 167.
But I don't know what the fuss is. Lying is far superior to truth
because it's creative. Are all lies equal? No. Some lies are hurt-
ful, but many more lies are fun. Lying is adaptation. Truth
may remain static, but lies evolve.
Truth is passive. Lying is Active.

The Truth just happens. Lying takes work.
167
http://www.paulekman.com/news.html
The Truth exists through observation. Lying requires inven-

tion.
LiveScience.com says that Lies Take Longer Than Truths 168.

What else takes longer? Home-baked bread: delicious. Good
sex (or so I'm told, repeatedly): ditto on deliciousness.
So maybe some people have learned to spot lies. Should it

matter? Not if you're a good liar. If you lie consistently and if
you lie to everyone, then no one will ever really know.
I just assume everyone on the Internet is lying. And that eve-

ryone is telling the truth. Just like me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Baby born in Denver library.
A woman stepped from a Denver bus, walked into the public

library and went into labor. They delivered her baby just in-
side the library entrance.
I don't know why a woman would take the bus to the library
when she was obviously in labor. Maybe she'd heard that baby
story times fill up fast and she just wanted to get signed up.
But as paramedics wheeled the new mother and child from

the lobby, the library manager informed the woman that she
owed the library ten cents because, "Clearly ma'am, your ba-
by was way overdue."
[Thank you, thank you, very much.]
168
http://www.livescience.com/technology/090125-lie-detector.html
244
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I Got the Babel Fish.
So some other study says that video games are linked to fre-
quent alcohol and drug use and low self-esteem 169 and some
other crap that really doesn't matter.
What I want to know is whether those surveyed were success-

ful gamers or gamers who suck. Because I can tell you from
experience that if you suck at games, the whole world sucks
and you feel like shit.
When I was a young man, in my fifties, I played some com-

puter and video games, but I didn't really care how I did. I
played Pitfall and all those other games, but I never forgot to
stop to have sex with my girlfriend, also in her fifties, ...yeah
you got an image of that in your mind? Enjoy that for a
minute.
But I remember the first computer game I bought, which was

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a text adventure. The
game loaded from a single floppy disk and cost me about $40.
And because it was so expensive, I played it every chance I got
for about six weeks, so you could say I was addicted.
But the thing about a text adventure is that once you hit a
wall, the game is over. If you can't get a door to open or get a
bird to drop a key, that's it. You can go back and see what you
missed, but seeing is relative. You can't really "look" at any-
thing unless you already know it's there. And having a bag full
of crap you've collected doesn't guarantee that you'll learn
how to use any of it.
169
http://tech.yahoo.com/news/nm/20090206/tc_nm/us_videogame_violen
ce
So you keep thinking about the puzzles and you hope you fig-
ure it out. And since this was nineteen-eighty-something,
there was no Internet to connect with to find a cheat code or
walkthru.
Of course there were the InvisiClues (had for another $12)

books, that had invisible text clues of increasing helpfulness
that you would highlight with a special pen to make them vis-
ible. But after a few days, they would become invisible again
and no amount of rubbing or wiping or threatening to burn a
different InvisiClues book, like maybe its mother, with a ligh-
ter would
persuade it to reveal the clues again. So you had to write the
clue out in pen if you wanted a permanent copy.
But eventually, with enough guessing or help, you would get

the thing or open the door, and move on to the next puzzle.
And you would feel a little thrill of satisfaction that you'd ac-
complished some seemingly impossible task. But the truth
was, and I think it's a huge leap in one's level of awareness, is
that each player suffered through the same difficulties.
In life, it's easy to say "you don't know me," or ever be con-
vinced that someone else has shared experiences with you.
But in these early text adventures, unless someone was given
a complete walkthru, each of us had the same experience. It
was like some kung-fu movie where you learn that Everyone
Must Travel the Same Path and that Each Trial is Shared by
All.
And there was nothing violent about the journey. Type N and
you go North. When you get to the bird, kill it with the rock or
give it an orange or whatever, and the bird does exactly what
it's programmed to do. Killing it wasn't a reflection on your
psyche, or something.
246
But then the graphical games came and everything I did was
wrong. I didn't jump at the right spot, or I never learned to
fly. The solution required too much coordination and practice.
I could never win at Tomb Raider because I couldn't swim or
jump properly. Jump. Fall and Die. Jump. Fall and Die.
Jump. Fall and Die. Jump. Fall and Die. The game wouldn't
take it for granted the Lara Croft would know how to jump.
So if modern video games make kids depressed or violent or

drunks, it's because games provide no clear answers. Or may-
be they force them to fly before they're ready, and they can't
help but to fall and die.
Either way, I don't have time for games now because I'm
sleeping with someone who's old enough to be your mom...
yeah, try to get that image out of your head.
Monday, February 9, 2009
No Kids Allowed.
So it looks like Maryland is about to waste $160,000 trying to

get teens to visit the library 170. Sure, the library will spend the
money on video games and manga and give away iPods as re-
wards for kids reading books, but when the money runs out,
the teens will leave because libraries aren't cool.
You know what's cool for teens? Trouble. If you want kids to
do something, tell them they can't do it. And if you think that
doesn't work, ask Tom Sawyer.
170
http://www.delmarvanow.com/article/20090208/LIFESTYLE/9020803
28/1024
Tom said to himself that it was not such a hollow world, af-
ter all. He had discovered a great law of human action, with-
out knowing it--namely, that in order to make a man or a boy
covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to
attain 171.
Maryland, If you want kids to use your library, spend some of

your $160K to put up a six-foot chain-link fence around the
teen area. And secure the only gate with a heavy chain and
lock. And hang a rusty sign that says, "Keep away. No
Teens allowed." And the next time you look, the fenced-off
area will be filled with with kids who've scaled the fence to vi-
olate the rule.
Trouble. "With a capital T that rhymes with B that stands for

Books."
And another thing, as I've said before: hire some good-looking

kids to work in your library. Not every kid needs to be smart
enough to shelve books correctly. People don't want to admit
it, but beauty is good quality. But beauty and hotness will get
kids into your library better than ten Xbox 360s.
Hire a cute guy and girl to greet people who visit the library.
Make them visible. Put them in your ads and on your posters.
All they have to do is walk around. If they are so attractive
that they keep bumping into things, have them wear elbow
and knee pads. Beautiful people aren't always the brightest.
And when old or ugly people come into the library, make
them wear a Mardi Gras mask to disguise their hideousness:
tell them its to protect them from the fumes from all the lead
ink in the books. Keep your library beautiful.
So if these are such great ideas, how come I never get invited
to discuss them at library meetings?
171
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/74
248
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Book crooks.
I've done a lot of bad stuff in my life. I probably had 2,000

baseball cards when I was a kid that I never paid for. I got in
fights and hurt some people. I threw rocks and firecrackers at
other kids. I started fires. I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
But I never stole anything from the library. Libraries were like
a sanctuary, a refuge, where everyone was equal because eve-
rything was available to anyone for free. I never vandalized a
library or broke or stole anything. I never tore pages from
books or magazines. I never even cut out pictures of topless
actresses printed in the French movie magazine, Seins dans
L'obscurité (which I just made up). And it still angers me to-
day when I read stories about libraries losing materials to
thieves.
I remember when I found out that a friend had taken a book

from the library, I said, "Man, you took that from the library...
you're an asshole." And I stole the book back from him and
left it on the floor inside the library entrance (because I was
afraid an alarm would go off if I tried to bring the book back
inside). And I felt good about returning it, until that asshole
shot me in the arm with his BB gun.
Friday, February 13, 2009
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Whenever Alec Baldwin is on SNL, I wish I could get him to

perform this sketch. Yes, I wrote this all by myself. And yes, I
think it's funny.
And again, I'm sorry for this.
Cast:
Alec Baldin as Pete Schweddy
John Goodman as Richard Fitz (a new character)
(this is basically the sketch... since it will never be performed,

I've never actually written it out on paper)
Pete: Hello, I'm Pete Schweddy. You may remember

me from my appearances on National Public Radio's
program, The Delicious Dish when we discussed my
popular holiday Schweddy Balls.
Richard: (makes yummy sounds)
Pete: And my delicious, meaty Schweddy Weiner.
Pete introduces his Friend, Richard Fitz, who runs a

Bed and Breakfast called, The Dick Fitz Inn.
[............anyway... this goes on... until...]
Pete: So Richard and I are here to announce our part-

nership on opening our combined B&B and eating
emporium, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn.
...
That's it. That's the joke. I just want to hear Alec Baldwin say,
The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn.
Yes, it's infantile. But hilarious.
250
Monday, February 23, 2009
Please don't kill the librarian.
In horror movies, one of the killer rules is that the first mur-
der should take advantage of a relationship the heroine has
with a peripheral character. Like a homeless person she talks
to when she volunteers at the local shelter, or especially, the
school librarian.
So from watching horror movies, we learn:
Do NOT befriend the campus nerd.
Do NOT stay after hours to let her scan the arcane histories of
the local area. She is not going to discover some long lost arti-
fact. She is only going to get you killed.
But if you are in the library when the slasher attacks, DO duck
when you see the nerd turn white and point to something be-
hind you. Do NOT stand still and say, "Why honey child, you
look like you have just seen a frightful sight." Especially if you
are a man.
Duck, dodge left, and haul ass from the building, as fast as
your pale, pudgy librarian legs will carry you. No, you don't
need your shawl. Especially if you are a man.
This next post was based on a news story that made a big splash
in the library blogging world.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Nebraska discovers its librarians: is Outraged!
Breaking News from the Action 3 News Action Team, Ne-

braska's top Action News Team for the past 2 years: "Some
librarians play games in the library. Are you as shocked as we
are? We bet you are!"
Apparently some Nebraska librarians bought a Sony PlaySta-

tion for their library and shot a video while they played
games. Nebraska (Motto, "No, Sir, We Don't Like It. Not One
Bit.") found the video on YouTube during a search for videos
on "another use for corn" and called the Action 3 News Team
to express its outrage. "It's outrageous," Nebraska apparently
said.
Now, when I play Fallout 3 at work and run the Xbox through
our new ceiling-mounted $4,000 DLP projector, I shut the
door to keep people from watching. Hell, I didn't trick my su-
pervisor into thinking all this gaming crap was for teen pro-
grams just to let actual teens get their hands on all this cool
stuff. I'm still in the planning stages. Planning stages that
could take all of 2009.
Not only were the librarians paid to "play games," they were
reimbursed for mileage to attend "workshops" and to "eat
lunch."
"How dare they," Nebraska responded when it heard.
The Action 3 News Team story concludes that the $400

"game is sitting in a closet, it is not even being used." Okay,
Action 3 News Team Assholes, do you want the librarians to
play games, or not???
The Nebraska Governor has appointed six people to find out

just when Nebraska acquired these librarians, and what it is
the librarians are doing there. Because they sure aren't farm-
ing.
252
No Stupid Questions? They're ALL Stupid Questions!
Why do librarians continue to claim that "there are no stupid

questions?"
Where is the librarian who says, "they are all stupid ques-
tions?"
No, he isn't me. I'm not that smart that I can say that all ques-
tions are stupid. Although we look alike, I'm not Dr. House 172.
I might say seven-eights are stupid questions, but I'm not
cocky enough to claim they all are.
But dammit, librarians answer a lot of stupid questions. One

of the worst is the email or IM for a specific book: "Does the
library have the book, **********?"
I want to answer, "Hey, idiot, you just bypassed the catalog

when you contacted me. The same catalog that has been on-
line for over 15 years. But no, you're so Net savvy that you can
chat with me for twelve minutes on your Crackberry or iTurd
or whatever new doodad you think will make you cooler,
about something you could have answered yourself in less
than half that time. Whoo, you're a freakin' Internet wizard!"
And on the opposite end, you Internet-deprived jerks, don't

call me on the phone and tell me to Google something for you:
"Can you Google me a meatloaf recipe that uses peanut but-
ter?" No. No I can't.
172
If you don't have something, you aren't allowed to tell other

people how to use it. If you don't have a car, don't tell me how
to drive. If you don't have a kid, don't tell me how to raise
mine. If you don't have a penis, don't tell me how to pee so I
don't get it all over the floor. If you don't have a life, don't tell
me how to live.
So yes, there are stupid questions. Because we are people, and

most of us aren't very bright. But go ahead and ask your stu-
pid questions; I'm here to help.
Just don't expect me to choke back my opinion because if you

ask if I think your question is stupid, you can be sure I'm
going to tell you the truth. "Yes, that's a stupid question. But
it's not the stupidest one I've been asked today. So stop worry-
ing. You're not the dumbest person out there. See that guy
over there; you should hear what he asked. He's the dumb-
est."
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The Library: America's Favorite Ponzi Scheme.
With all the news about Bernard Madoff and Robert Allen
Stanford, we might forget that America's real favorite Ponzi
scheme is the public library.
Remember what very few people bothered to ask Madoff a few

years before his whole fraud collapsed: "How is it that you
continue to offer such consistently steady returns while others
around you are failing?" It is not uncommon for libraries to
boast an increase of 15-20 or even 50%, crediting these fig-
ures on "Internet" use, "bathroom" use, and people generally
losing their jobs and all their worldly possessions and having
no place else to go.
254
While all is collapsing, libraries thrive.
Libraries thrive in tough times. Just Google it and see. (Oh, I

may just do that, Mr. Smartypants. Oh, who am I kidding,
I'm too lazy. Let me just go back to enjoying those adorable
photos of kitties inside tea cups. If only someone would in-
vent a device that lets me browse the Internet by simply
shifting my weight on my butt cheeks: left click, right click,
double-click. Oops, I think I just had a little accident.)
How do libraries continue to provide such excellent service

when the local Starbucks has just closed? I mean, Starbucks
charged $4 for a cup of coffee, didn't they make enough profit
to keep these stores viable? What are libraries doing that's so
much better?
Well, the secret is that libraries take your money and your
neighbor's money and your other neighbor, well not them be-
cause they rent, but their landlord's money and then libraries
buy books and other materials with it. And the libraries even
borrow more money and build more libraries and then make
you and your neighbors and the landlord pay it back for them.
How great is that?
Libraries don't need to charge $4 for a cup of coffee because

as long as you live and breathe, you will pay for libraries.
And the good news is, that it doesn't take very much money
for you to "buy in." And as long as you continue to pay your
share, without whining and complaining about paying taxes,
the library will be a strong part of your community. But if eve-
ryone complains to their elected officials and then tries to re-
duce their investments, the library will fail and all that money
will be lost. You don't want to lose your investment, do you?
So libraries are built on the premise that lots of investors will

pay in a consistent investment over a long period of time. And
everyone will see consistently high returns.
Now the older members of this association (we call them "se-
nior citizens") feel they are the original members and see their
advanced years as payment into the system, and often de-
mand higher returns. Libraries often comply with these re-
quests because old people hanging around just make the place
look bad, so we usually give them what they want and send
them home as quickly as possible.
But don't let this dissuade you. You, too, may complain about
not getting new books and DVDs fast enough, and the library
will help you for many years with quietly, passive-aggressive
service.
Libraries guarantee consistent returns. As long as you don't

panic and demand your money back. Or some government
bureaucrat doesn't decide to close libraries to satisfy some
budget shortfall caused by the local government investing all
of its money in Madoff Securities.
What is a Ponzi scheme? It's simply a system whereby the

original investors are paid back from the deposits of new in-
vestors. Now, in a really successful Ponzi scheme, the inves-
tors at the very top need to discontinue collecting from the
new investors at the bottom; they have to hit a cap so that
what the scam is collecting from the new investors is used to
pay off the multitude of middle-investors who have already
paid the top-tier investors.
When the top-tier continues to collect money long after

they've made back their investment plus any fair amount of
interest, then that's no longer a Ponzi scheme, it becomes the
Social Security Administration. (Will there be any money left
when you retire?)
But then what is the incentive for the top to continue collect-
ing money, unless they continue to take a cut?And that's the
256
problem with the traditional Ponzi scheme; at some point,

there just isn't enough money to satisfy all the victims.
Again, just like the Social Security system.
Where do libraries get all this money to satisfy new investors?

The apply for various grants and request increases from local
taxes. They raise money.
And that said, the.effing.librarian needs to raise a little mon-

ey. If you want to be a contributor to this fantastically profita-
ble and financially solid institution with over two years of sa-
tisfying its members' dreams and ambitions, then apply now.
It only takes $200,000 of "good faith" money to guarantee
your acceptance. And then you'll be in. And as
the.effing.librarian grows, so will your investment.
Public notice: the.effing.librarian is fully licensed in Came-

roon and Nigeria (as an auto window-tint installer and
doughnut shop, respectively).
How will I know when I'm dead?
How will Facebook know when I'm dead? Or how will I man-
age that final tweet?
I just read an article about people who died and their families
wanted their online friends to know. But how could they
access all their accounts when the only person with the pass-
word ain't telling.
I don't know about you, but I'd like to know when I'm dead.
I'd like an email or something. So to prepare for the inevita-
ble, I'm glad that Blogger allows me to schedule posts for
some future date. Like I can make a entry that will automati-
cally post if I'm not around to stop it. Maybe schedule it for
thirty days from today.
This could be the message:
It's been 30 days since I last logged into this account.

I don't think I would just forget about this account. I
think there's a good chance that I'm dead. If I don't
post anything soon to correct this, then I'd say I'm
dead.
Wait, what if I'm in a coma? There's hope, huh?

Maybe I'm just in a coma. And when I awake, I won't
remember any of this. And then we could be friends
again. Because I won't have any memory of all the
awful things I wrote here. Do you think you could
forgive me for all this terrible stuff I've been posting?
I bet you could... because of the coma.
Well, so far I haven't created this "death note." (Hey, that's

catchy. Someone should use that for the title of something.)
Mostly because I might just forget to log in for a month and I
wouldn't want for you to get the wrong idea when you read
the post. Because some of you are old and you might hurt
yourselves from all the joyous dancing.
But getting back to the original story ("Deaths of gamers leave

their online lives in limbo" AP 173), "Jerald Spangenberg col-
lapsed and died in the middle of a quest in an online game,..."
so his daughter went on her own quest to let the members of
his WoW guild know that he was dead in the "meat" world.
When one member found out weeks later, he said he'd
173
http://tech.yahoo.com/news/ap/20090314/ap_on_hi_te/tec_death_onlin
e
258
thought that Spangenberg's absence was due to "an argument

among the gamers that night."
"I figured he probably just needed some time to cool off," the
member said. No, no cooling off, unless you mean cooling
off to room temperature. He died. Right after an online
fight with you guys. Another video game related death.
But here is the important thing: how come Spangenberg

didn't give any of these guys his real data? What is the true
worth of online relationships? If I don't tell you in the online
world who I really am in the thingy world, is it because I don't
want you to know?
If this is true, then what about the daughter? Did she do the
wrong thing by tracking down the other members of the guild
(from which her own dad kept his real identity a secret)?
Regardless of how important we claim these online relation-

ships are, are they ever as valuable as our real relationships?
(If they are, then don't they become real relationships?)
Anyway, I guess the real test of whether the.effing.librarian is

dead is whether he remains hilarious. And if you would find
my death that funny, then I guess I wouldn't really be dead;
I'd become immortal. "There can be only ONE!"
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My "decision cube" doesn't know shit.
I don't know if you follow the.effing.librarian on Twitter, but

I've been having trouble with my decision cube.
If you don't know, a decision cube is a six-sided cube with a

different statement printed on each side, pretty much like a
die used for playing Yahtzee! or for shooting Craps. My deci-

sion cube helps me by telling me one of these things:
Yes.
No.
Take a break.
Go to sleep.
Stay late.
Go to lunch.
Go to bar.
Go home.
Ah, some of you are clever enough to be able to count. Yes,

that's eight decisions for a normal six-sided die. But in order
to answer a simple Yes/No question, I've colored three of the
sides a different color. When I want to know Yes or No, I ig-
nore the printed response and just look at which color comes
up.
But as you can see, my decision cube is more like a "slacker"

cube; it's weighted pretty heavily for decisions which keep me
from working. "Stay late" is the only pro-work decision it can
offer. And since I have so much work to do, you can see why
my decision cube has become like a tiny Eddie Haskell or
Beavis or Neil Patrick Harris, depending on your generation.
So far, my decision cube hasn't been much help. I've been giv-
en many more duties than a person should be expected to per-
form competently for as little money as they pay me, and so
I'm always juggling projects. My boss said, "maybe you need
help deciding which projects to devote more time to," without
actually telling me because, you know, that's probably part of
her job. So I got the cube. But it's not helping me get work
things done.
For example, here is my latest tweet on the cube's most recent

advice:
260
"the ‗decision cube‘ says GO TO SLEEP. what the hell

is wrong with you, decision cube? can't you see I just
got up. we have to go to work!"
I've been doing less and less work since I got the cube, but no
one seems to notice. Is it because the work isn't important or
because I won't be around long enough for it to matter? What
does this cube know that I don't? You don't have an answer
for that one, do you, you damn cube!
Here is when I finally decided that the blogging was over. I had
decided much earlier to stop, but up till now, I was still willing to
reconsider.
this is me.
I just logged into Twitter and the people I follow all seem to
be busy busy busy doing all kinds of stuff. And I realized that I
do nothing. If I told you what I did with my free time, how lit-
tle I actually do with my worthless, pathetic life, you'd rip
your the.effing.librarian poster down off your wall and put
back the Bobby Sherman poster I'd supplanted (Oh, Bobby,
you handsome devil, it's no wonder all the girls are in love
with you).
And I posted this "tweet":
the.effing.librarian will be speaking nowhere,

has no opening dates, is not busy at all and can
be reached almost anytime to do anything.
And that's all I have to say. If I post nothing else, that message
said it all. So that's it, I'm done. My blogging life is over.
I mean for today.
Friday, March 27, 2009
What I learned.
If I learned anything this week, it's that babies 174 are a hot
topic. If I want more people to put my blog posts on their Fa-
cebook pages, then I need to post more crap about babies.
I would love to have kids, but my imaginary girlfriend doesn't

want to ruin her figure by allowing me to crush her tiny body
with my superhuman strength. Oh, she'd love imaginary kids
to go with our imaginary relationship, but only with someone
who won't pulverize her pelvis into dust.
So the.effing.librarian is going to write more about babies. I

don't know anything about babies, so I'm going to select ran-
dom old posts and just substitute the word "baby" for some-
thing else, wherever it seems to fit.
I'm going to start by taking something from over there where

it says, "posts to read if what's up top sucks."
What's in your baby bag? 175
I have a "baby bag." It's what I take with me when a friend

calls for baby help. I like my baby bag: it's like a heavy duty
travel baby case, but without the baby.
174
not included in this book, but I had a post about breastfeeding in li-
braries (con) that prompted some opposing viewpoints (pro).
175
see What’s in your Nerd Bag? from the first blobogok.
262
In its place are these:
6-12 lb. diaper pre-loaded with crap

external baby warmer (a blanket)
anti-bacterial hand sanitizer
Mashed Peas (why do I have so many jars of mashed
peas?)
assorted bottles
breast pump screwdriver tool kit
usb thumb drive loaded with pictures of babies
bottled water
All I need is a tube of "butt paste," and I'd be ready for any
baby emergency. Except then my baby nerd status would be
certified; so in place of the ointment, I'll carry a flask of Jim
Beam. I'll just get one out of my "date with George Clooney"
bag. Hey, there's butt paste in there, too!
Wow, that worked better than I'd thought!

The.effing.librarian is going to be more popular than ever!!

My librarian contract.
So as a precaution, in anticipation of the day when librarians

can be sued for recommending inappropriate material, I've
created this librarian contract. Some might think I've over-
reacted, but I don't care. I'm doing everything to cover my ass.
I don't serve children, so this is not the child's version of the

contract. That one has bunnies printed on it.
I now refuse to assist Customers until they have read and

signed the following contract. After the customer signs it, a
copy is made and pinned to the customer's clothing. Any cus-

tomer wandering the library without a visible, signed contract
is ignored.
LIBRARIAN ASSISTANCE CONTRACT.
I understand that the "Librarian" is making no recom-

mendations for or against any particular subject or author.
The librarian is only available to facilitate your research

for information. Any information you collect for your re-
search is solely your responsibility. Any information you
hear or view, touch, smell, taste or sense in any way, as let-
ters, numbers, symbols or energy is entirely your responsi-
bility as you chose of your own free will to enter this struc-
ture or location.
The librarian can only assist you as far as your ability to

clearly communicate your need for assistance. If assistance
is not met to your expectations, return when you are better
able or willing to communicate in a way the librarian can
understand.
Any electronic communication you receive is not a guaran-

tee that a librarian has answered your query. Electronic da-
ta is unreliable and may have been tampered with between
the librarian's and your device. Therefore, if you need as-
sisted, non-recommendations for locating information, visit
the librarian in person, and wear something so we can at-
tach the contract.
By using the librarian for assistance, I waive any and all

rights to complain, to feel aggrieved, to seek civil or legal
judgment against the library or librarian. This contract does
not exclude any related protections which are not explicitly
stated for the library/librarian as guaranteed by other laws,
statutes or contracts.
264
I fully accept that the librarian may attempt to stick me

with the pin when he attaches the copy of this contract to my
garment. If stuck, any loud noise I make will invalidate this
contract and have me removed from the premises.
SIGNED:
Date:
Witness: God.
If you follow these rules, the librarian should never have a

reason to smack you right across your pathetic face. Unless
you look like your asking for it.
Feel free to copy this and edit as needed for your professional
use or entertainment. (No, of course, this isn't a real contract.
I don't know what I'm going to do with you people.)
The Effing Librarian Exists.
It's one thing to call oneself the.effing.librarian, but to have

another acknowledge the name and use it, is pretty okay.
"Good morning, the.effing.librarian," my girlfriend says
cheerfully. "Pass me the butter, the.effing.librarian." "I swear,
the.effing.librarian, I'm going to kill myself if you don't drop
that ridiculous name."
"No, I'm not calling you that," is what I expect to hear from
her, particularly when I demand to be called Count Flatulo,
when I'm full of farts. I think it's the cape that really bothers
her.
So when John Kelly of The Washington Post used it in a fol-

low-up to his column, ―It's a Plot, I Tell You!‖ (by John Kelly,
April 7, 2009 176), it made me feel a little better about my

name.
I mean, I like my name, and I know you love my name

(...except for that one of you who expected me to be called
"The Fucking Librarian" -- which, by the way, is the title of the
musical theater script I currently have waiting in the "to read
when Hell freezes" pile at Amy Adams's agent's office).
But anyway, I emailed John with my comment on his column

about the disappearance of library date due stamps and how
he felt it was a plot for libraries to collect more money in late
fees when he couldn't remember when to return his books. He
seemed to be inviting commentary, so I sent him some. And
he followed up today with the suggestions he'd collected from
concerned readers, "Okay, So End of Library Stamps Isn't the
End of the World," [Wednesday, April 8, 2009; Page B03 177].
The quote is reproduced it here:
Finally, a Florida librarian and blogger -- who goes

by the online name The Effing Librarian -- wrote:
"The plot is to accelerate senility by outsourcing your
memory to a computer. The old date stamp sparked
thought as you wondered who had the book last or
why there was a nine-year gap between those last two
borrowers. The date stamp was a link to history. But a
paper receipt, or even no receipt, is just more crap to
find a place for because it doesn't belong anywhere;
the receipt doesn't even make a good bookmark, it's so
small and flimsy."
176
177
266
The plot, TEL wrote, is to give Google unlimited

power. "Because you won't remember your PIN or
even the library Web address. So you'll Google it --
'when are my library books due back?' -- and Google
will show you ads for Amazon's Kindle."
So, again, pretty cool,... now that I've decided to give up being
the.effing.librarian. Forever. Or until I can find a way to make
money from it, like Joss Whedon did when he revived the idea
for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer several years after the movie
came out.
As soon as we get it at the library, I'll be sure to tear it out so

I'll have it forever.
Oh, I meant, copy it. Tear it out... we librarians never admit

to that in public!
As much as I enjoy writing for the blog, I just don’t love it. I love
writing funny gags, but I hate that I don’t get any feedback (or
that I get only a little feedback).
If I say something funny at work, I can see someone laugh, so I’m

encouraged to say more funny stuff around that person until I’ve
followed her home and I’m outside her house screaming, “HOW
ABOUT THIS ONE? HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?!!”
So I quit.
Going out of Business Unsale.
the.effing.librarian is going out of business. nothing is for

sale, but nothing will be left behind.
This is just a heads-up. I'm currently about a third of the way

through editing the second effinglibrarian book, titled METAL
ASS.
As soon as I finish and upload the files and get back the proof,
I will post a date when I will shut down this blog and delete all
the files.
I will announce a drawing to give away one copy each of the

two books, and hopefully, I can do all this before the end of
the month.
So I probably won't be posting anything until I've finished

editing and sent for the proof. Unless I think of something re-
ally, really funny.
This is NOT an April Fool's joke that I forgot to post on

Wednesday. No one has taken my dog and threatened to
shoot it if I don't stop blogging. No, I don't think I'm dying.
No, I haven't won the lottery.
I bet he thinks he's dying. Do you think you're dying?

No.
You don't look like you have cancer. Do you have
cancer?
No.
How about that thing they always have on House?
That amyloydosis. Do you have amyloydosis?
I don't think so. I don't know what that is.
Oh that House is so smart. And handsome. You
should go see him.
Okay, I'll think about it.
Good. And tell him I think he's handsome.
And there was this exchange in the comments:
268
Anonymous said...
I'm confused -- can't someone else become The Effing
Librarian? I thought it was like The Phantom or The
Pope. Are you more like Zorro?
And my captcha word is tastosor which should be a

real word.
12:56 PM
The.Effing.Librarian said...
Anonymous 12:56,
The.Effing.Librarian is most like Frosty the Snow-
man in that we share a magic hat. Anyone can do the
job, but there is only one hat.
And "Tastosor" is the little dinosaur in The Land Be-

fore Time XV: The Taste of Extinction, who dies when
he licks a volcano. It's not as funny as it sounds.
My work here is done.
You no longer need the.effing.librarian. This blog is over.
I'm glad so many of you could find the place. I know I didn't
give very good directions, calling it The Effing Librarian. I
should have named the blog, The Absolutely Fucking Hila-
rious Librarian.
I'll still have my Gmail account and you can reach me if you
have a scary dream and need reassurance that there are no
monsters. I'll still be the.effing.librarian; I'm just not going to
do it here.
But if I am ever needed again, I will be back. Wherever tyran-

ny pulls down the britches of good people and spanks the firm
round buttocks of lawfullness with the calloused hand of in-
justice, I will be there. Wherever freedom is just another word
for nothing left to lose, I will be there.
I am ending this blog. And I'm deleting it all from Blogger. I

began this thing on April 26, 2007, so I should end it before
then. Everything is going. Every ass, all the farts, every fuck.
Take a few asses, there are plenty to go around.
For you who have been her for a while, thanks for all the sup-
port; for those who just got here, tough shit, the party's over.
This thing's been going on for two years, and enough is
enough. I thought you'd think it was cool enough here to come
and hang out, but you waited too long and now all the booze is
gone except for some banana liqueur. Take it, it's yours. Sorry,
but I have to get back to work.
It's been fun making up goofy shit for you to read for the past
two years, but the time has come to kill this blog. It's become
more of a responsibility than I have the time to do it justice.
Lately, it's been feeling more like a second job, and the boss
hasn't paid me, since ever.
270
Anyway, it's been fun, mostly. Two years and 690-something

posts later, I now have two published books that I can give to
my friends for their birthdays. And again for Christmas. So
that's two gifts out of the way, time well spent, I'd say.
So yes, I am deleting this whole thing. This is not a gag. If you

left comments that you think are extra clever and want to
keep them, copy them now and reuse them on another blog; I
won't tell.
So the.effing.librarian blog is closed. Besides, the world is

supposed to end soon, and so I need to vacuum and clean this
place up.
If you need parting words of wisdom, don’t look here: read a

book.
-the.effing.librarian
This has been:

METAL ASS.
Now it’s time to dance.
272

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the.effing.

effinglibrarian.blogspot.com, the director’s cut*

Compiled from the blog, http://effinglibrarian.blogspot.com

* additions, deletions with all new commentary.

©2009, the.effing.librarian, LLC.

No portion of this book may be used without permission, unless

The majority of this book was previously published at

We were just pulling your leg.

And thanks to Stephen Michael Kellat for letting me be a part of

Like poo tubes? Then why are we repairing them?

I read it here. A book.

So go find the cartoons online. They should still be at

So let’s get on with the blog posts.

Monday, March 24, 2008

This is my feeling: if you work in a library in a capacity that

Frankly, I would love to win an award, and it does bother me

Don't be so much of an asshole that you can't recognize the

Reasons for nomination:

Describe one event, project, or situation that illu-

Describe one attribute or characteristic that illu-

Sunday, March 16, 2008

So now I'm happy?

I could argue that the.effing.librarian is unhappy or disgrun-

But knowing that I've already been just about as unhappy as I

Yes, because I wasn't aware that people would behave exactly

The.effing.librarian has had a full and exciting life so far. I'd

I don’t know if you purchased a copy the first volume of

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

What Libraries can learn from a $5,000 Hooker.

I have a friend who runs a salon. He once styled Hillary Clin-

So based on these two articles, "Eliot Spitzer and the Price-

We already know that rich people pay a buttload of cash for

cause someone has billions of dollars, and that someone

Humans must need to overvalue things to validate out exis-

The guy who pays $5,000 for a prostitute probably thinks,

Spending money is all most of us have to make some sort of

If libraries want to prosper, we need to act like a $5,000

Charge to use a clean bathroom. Charge for a quiet corner of

never actually own a Patek Philippe. You merely look after it

So we need to charge fees, disgustingly huge fees. And if the

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Add joke. Stir.

I don't like to double-dip into the same story-sour cream, but

Add this to What Libraries can learn from a $5,000 Hooker. I

Oh, that is gold. Travis Bickle. Bickle is a funny word, don't

Bruce Vilanch? He's a prince! But maybe he could throw a lit-

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

How the Lawyer brain thinks...

Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the egregious-

tim, a man who through an unfortunate defect of his forma-

The library worker, who has since become a celebrity admits

According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, my client,

The library clearly had no looky-behind-my-backy mirror in-

stalled as was decided in the case of Arizona vs. Chester the

So ladies and gentlemen, find for my client, and for America.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Real question, I think.

This note is from 4/10/2001.

Voice on phone: ―This is OnStar calling for one of our custom-

―Is it for Batman?‖ I queried.