The following issue is misdated.

It should have appeared as Vol. 26, No. 13,

April 22, 2005.
Music For
!ace - Page
 John Bolton for U.N. Ambassador? Real ly?
By Mike Billings
I think The Stony Brook is a joke. If you the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 according to the Bush Doctrine. Since the intel-
wandered into the office on production weekend stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference." ligence on the matter was not as clear as Bolton
and kidnapped a third of the staff, stuffed them Although this is his most infamous statement, was going to make it out to be, a State
in burlap sacks and threw them into the Long Bolton has also contended that the U.N. is "Only Department intelligence officer suggested that
Island Sound, no 'one would notice a difference. valuable when it serves the U.S.," and "There is the language should be watered down so as not
Considering my views on The Press in general, I no such thing as the United Nations." Not sur- to incite unjustified animosity. While this
am obviously qualified to hold an important prisingly, democrats have openly questioned if request seems perfectly reasonable, even neces-
position on the paper, per-
haps an editorsnip. Does
w Bolton even wants the job
_C T T
or U.N. ambassaaor since
1WT
sary considering the purported ambivalence of
the intelligence, Bolton allegedly flipped out.
anyone disagree with me? he has shown such blatant According to testimony from former
No? Good. If you disagree, animosity towards the State Department official Carl Ford, Bolton was
you must think that the' organization. so insulted that his speech be watered down, he
paper is perfect. Look, I'm While publicly verbally abused an intelligence officer so low on
just a reformer, and The espousing ridiculous and the bureaucratic food chain, he equated the
Press is in serious in need inflammatory statements incident to "an 800-pound gorilla devouring a
of reform. The fact that I is bad enough for a diplo- banana." Reportedly, Bolton went so far as to
hate the organization itself mat who is set to represent try to get the analyst fired. Ford also accused
is no reason to deny me this the United States to the Bolton of being a "serial abuser," painting a
opportunity. rest of the world, Bolton picture of a man who throws his weight around
Ridiculous as this also comes with a less than and treats his underlings like garbage. In
situation is, it parallels stellar track record in response to these allegations, republicans on
what is happening within terms of job performance. the Senate Foreign Relations Committee point
the government right now. As the current out that, despite the fact Ford calls Bolton a
Recently, the Senate Foreign Undersecretary of State serial abuser, he only mentioned one incident.
Relations Committee has for Arms Control and While this is true, democrats had seven other
been questioning John International Security, witnesses lined to give accounts of Bolton's
Bolton, George Bush's nomi- Bolton has not made a good abuse, but Richard Luger refused to allow-their
nee to represent the United impression. Upon hearing testimony.
States as ambassador to the of his nomination, 62 cur- At this point, it is likely that Bolton
U.N. A staunch supporter of rent and former diplomats will be confirmed by the predominantly repub-
the Bush agenda, Bolton has drafted a letter outlining lican Foreign Relations Committee on April 19.
worked under the last three the reasons that Bolton While many conservatives have shown unwaver-
conservative administra- would be a poor choice for ing support for Bolton, he really could be the
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o'I worst person for the job. Personal accounts
has actually been praised bilaterally for his only has he opposed a. number of treaties, the aside, there is no denying what he has said
intelligence and breadth of knowledge. In fact, most egregious and public incident occurred in about the United Nations and the agenda he
Bolton graduated summa cum laude from Yale 2002 involving a speech on Cuba. plans to push. Bolton will only serve to further
University. If this is true, however, what's the To strengthen the Bush agenda of paint- alienate other nations_ who have been insulted
problem? ing certain countries as dangerous to freedom by George Bush, and America's interests may be
The problem is that Bolton has a reputa- and liberty Bolton planned to deliver a speech ignored while this bully is representing us in
tion for being a jerk, especially towards the regarding the weapons capability of Cuba. In the United Nations.
United Nations. In 1994, Bolton made several the speech, Bolton was going to accuse the nation
abrasive comments that are now coming back to of producing biological weapons, a move that
would leave Cuba open to a justified attack

NYPIRGVictoy
Equals No Tuition Hike
By Marcel Votlucka
After months of suspense, there will be no The new budget comes as a victory for stu-
tuition hikes or aid cuts for SUNY and CUNY stu- dents and NYPIRG, which led a grassroots effort
dents. among SUNY students to, resist the proposed
The State Senate, State Assembly, and tuition hikes and aid cuts. NYPIRG held a rally
Governor Pataki finally reached an agreement on on campus on March 30, exhorting students to
higher education funding as part of this year's call the Governor in an effort to protest the
state budget. Besides rejecting tuition increas- hikes. NYPIRG also organized a lobby day in
es for incoming students, the budget rejects a Albany, which resulted in 112 meetings
proposal to increase tuition for incoming stu-i between students and state legislators. 500 stu-
dents every year. The budget provides full dents from across the state attended this event,
funding for' TAP as well as opportunity pro- a testament to NYPIRG's efforts.
grams such as EOP, HEOP, SEEK, and College Miriam Kramer, NYPIRG's higher educa-
Discovery. tion coordinator, describes NYPIRG's position on
Governor Pataki proposed a tuition the matter this way, "If anything, this year's
increase in addition to incremental increases budget proves that if there's a legislative will,
each year as well as cuts to TAP and EOP. 75% there's a way to both hold the line on tuition and
of Stony Brook students rely on financial aid, increase funding for the state's colleges and
and advocates for higher education argue that univer sities."
the governor's proposals could've hurt these NYPIRG activist Juliet DiFrenza remarked,
students' ability to pay for college. In fact, "I think that this should be a lesson for all stu-
Stony Brook students in particular could've dents who think that not voicing their opinion,
faced higher increases because of the higher who think that they have no power over what the
costs of operating SBU compared to other SUNY government does. As for the win, I think this a
schools. Stony Brook students already pay an momentous occasion which illustrates the power
average of $13,000 per year in expenses. students hold when they band together."
Pataki opted not to challenge the state leg- Other student reactions were more suc-
islature's decision to reject his previous pro- cinct. When asked about NYPIRG's victory,
posals. This was a source of tension for activists Christine Tanaka responded with a shout of
and students awaiting a decision .on the budget. "Yaaaaaay!"

Page 2
 A Personal Interview Writh
A IHomeless Youth on Long Island
I I'I I
Scenario #1: you wake up in a hot tiny
I I By Lena Tumasyan
Additionally, 20-25% of single adult homeless in Nassau county and 163 in Suffolk county. If
dorm cubical, or your parent's house. You population suffers from some form of severe and one can get to a service, then perhaps they'll be
unfurl your "I gotta remember to do my laundry persistent mental illness, many of whom are able to eat tonight. But portions need to be
today" covers. Slowly, you drag yourself out of schizophrenics. A 1999 review of homelessness rationed as the homeless population grows and
bed because you are still sleepy from the night in 50 cities found that in almost every city, the funding decreases. Research shows that even
before, whether it's because you spend a good number of homeless far exceeded emergency mild under-nutrition in young children can
part of the night studying/partying, or whatev- shelter and transitional housing (to be dis- affect both physical and brain development. An
er else you decided to spend your precious cussed later) spaces. Two thirds of people with adolescent or even a young adult still needs
sleep hours doing. You might argue with your AIDS had been homeless. enough nutrients to grow, especially gfow
coinhabitants over who gets the bathroom first, My friend was set up into an emergency healthily.
but eventually you all get to clean yourselves housing facility by a social worker in Suffolk Michael..used whatever money he got
up. Next, you head to the cafeteria to spend County. She promised the house would be occu- from whatever jobs he can find to buy gas and
money on yet another ridiculously overpriced pied by his peer group, but when he got there he food, portion accordingly. But what happens
meal and get to class. found that: he was the youngest person in the when you don't have enough money to buy food?
Scenario #2: you wake up in a cold house (oldest being in his 50's), one individual Stealing was never an option for him, and thank-
crammed backseat. You unfurl your multiple in his 40's was homosexual and bipolar. There fully friends were there, but there would still
layers of "I wonder where the cheapest laundro- were close to 10 men living in that house, which be many days of going hungry for a meal or two
mat is" blankets. Quickly you sit up and put was far too many for the size. Because of the or days without food or with only minimal food.
your heaviest jacket on so the -20oF cold would- crammed conditions, there was barely any room How do you get a job without a permanent
n't hit you so hard. After you step outside your for people's things, or even space to move. The address ?
car you do a few stretches trying to get the knots house was filthy, the beds - dirty, and only one 44% of homeless adults in America are
out of your "twisted by the car shortness" body. sheet for a blanket in a room as cold as the out- employed, according to a July 2004 country-
You grab your bathroom kit, and go over to the doors. There is a curfew; if you are not back by wide study.
first public bathroom you can find to take care All job applications look for a home
of yourself in their sink. Next, you calculate address, so how does one get a job if he/she does
how, much money you have and how much you ,not have an address or a phone number to write
can spend on breakfast or whether you'll be eat- down? Step A - leave blank what you can, Step B
ing breakfast at all. - use your friend's information (of course as
This is not an attempt you convince you them for permission first). Getting mail and
of how much better off you are or how everyone using a phpne is the same idea.
takes things for granted - in fact, I believe that Communication in general is difficult
many people already know how lucky they are, and blotchy. Most days he walks to a library and
perhaps in different ways. My article is meant uses a computer to access the internet and email
to personify a common charity cause, "home- accounts. He might also be able to instant mes-
lessness," through one individual's personal sage his friends, and has to save his work on
experience. My friend, Michael Edward Coates portable formats. I remember on particular
was generous enough to share his life. He is one encounter where we bumped into someone he
individual that I know of that has been home- knows. The other person almost exclaimed with
less. Although, as my research progressed, I a "My god, I almost thought you were dead!" type
met at least two others who are or were at home- of reaction. With the incredible rates of depres-
less as well, sion and mental trauma that occurs with many
Why would you leave home? youths who are homeless, I am glad he is not.
According to multiple sources, 46-50% But what did you do dbout school? Did
of children (defined as ages 0-18, which I refer you finish high school?
to as "youth") run away from home because they Homeless youth face difficulties attend-
have been physically abused at home. 17% out ing school because of legal guardianship
of those have been also been forced into unwant- requirements, residency requirements, proper
ed sexual activity. In 1999, nearly 1.7 million records, and lack of transportation. As a result,
youth in the nation ran away or were kicked out homeless youth face severe challenges in
of their homes. At the age of 16, Michael was not Michael didn't feel he could trust any- obtaining an education. 38% of national home-
an exception. One member of the family beat one in that house. He stayed there 2 days and 1 less population do not have a high school degree
him, the other didn't stop it, so he left, leaving. night and once he left he never returned. "I am- by age 18. 53% have reported dropping out for
high school as well. 19 years old and I am not going- to live under indefinite period of times.
Did you try going to an agency for help? such ridiculous rules in such an under kept Michael attempted continuing school,
Few homeless youth are housed in emer- house. At some point, rent was expected of me. but because he was constantly moving around he
gency shelter as a result of lack of beds, shelter SS was supposed to pay it,- but paper work and starting missing a lot of it and wasn't able to go.
admission policies, and a preference for greater red tape always gets in the way. I would have to His need for money and a job also took prece-
autonomy. According to law, if you are under 18 sue my parents for the money and I wasn't about dence over an education, hoping that he could
and show up to a Department of Social Services to do that." Another time at a different agency save up enough to work fewer hours so that he
(DSS) office without a parent, they will refer he was refused housing altogether because, "his could manage going to school and work together.
you to Child Protection Services to be put in fos- car is sufficient enough to not be considered an But such schedules are very difficult to keep up
ter care. For example, on Friday March 25th, emergency" regardless of the sub-zero weather. for a long time. He still wishes to finish high
when the school week was finishing up and peo- What did you do for money or food? school, but taking those credits at a community
ple are going home to relax/party/work, 290 An estimated 340,080 children in NYS college, perhaps at Suffolk Community College.
childless adults (18 and over) showed up to the are hungry, 49% of those using food pantries are He is adamant about completing the goal to "fin-
Suffolk County DSS. That same day another 715 children, 35% using soup kitchens are children. ish high school" and not get a "GED.'
persons showed up who in total had 86 children, In 2003 New York City Coalition Against Hunger How do you take care of yourself physi-
all seeking emergency housing. reports that 81% of agencies faced an increased cally? Like hygiene, and doctors and such?
Michel spent his" time going back and demand for food, but only 22% obtained more Where do you go to the bathroom?
forth from living on the streets to staying at his food and funding. In fact, more than twice as 55% of nationally homeless individuals
friends' and relative's houses, staying with many agencies faced cuts in food and money as reported as not having medical insurance.
them for a few days or weeks, But no matter how obtained increases. In 2004 State Legislature Not having enough to eat also coincides with get-
much your friend or uncle loves you, eventual- passed a budget to use a $350,000 surplus from ting sick. When you do get sick, your body takes
ly you need to leave. "After a while you become another program, TANF, to support Hunger much longer to get better because of your over-
a nomad, and you don't think you can ever set- Prevention and Nutrition Assistance Program. all lack of nutrients and the growing use of
tle down for a long time in any one place." However, governor Pataki vetoed this budget, nutrients due to the illness.
What were the conditions like? creating an even larger $2 million funding gap The last time Michael has seen a physi-
5.3% of homeless youth in New York in the HPNAP.
Stafe under the age of 25 are HIV positive. There are 62 emergency food programs

Page 3
 COCA Dissolved by Senaitel:
Questions Remain About Proced ure - By Michael Prazak
This Tuesday, April 5, legislation was ment funding the organization). In that respect, pletely under the control of SAB, and very little
presented to the Undergraduate Student depending on whom you speak to, COCA has was presented about the intricacies of such a
Government (USG) Senate to strip the Committee delivered. They have provided a wide array of move. Essentially, policy was passed, with very
on Cinematic Arts (COCA), which screens viewing experiences, each at least attempting to little review, and even less elucidation on the
movies on campus, of its quasi-independent reach a campus as diverse as Stony Brook repercussions of such an action. One student at
agency status, bringing it completely under University. Therefore, one must consider, if the the meeting suggested that the obligated stipend
control of the Student Activities Board (SAB). paid to individuals in COCA was excessive and
The reasoning behind this move was expounded perhaps unnecessary. If that is the case, can the
by the presenter of the legislation, Vice COCA helmed by SAB function to the same level
President of Student Affairs, Ilan Nassimi. of competency in terms of delivering films on
According to him, COCA operates completely time and regularly? Or is USG merely engaging
unrestrained and without any restrictions, in a pipe dream that will never actually reach
therefore, they are less than perceptive about, fruition? Either way, it seems that the main
their budget and spending which led to a lack of group that will be losing out in this situation
funding for the second half of the 2004-2005 will be the students themselves. Are we to
year. Citations of inability to locate COCA self- believe that this Student Government, although
governance laws as well as COCA's failure to admittedly in its infancy, can deliver on so bold
appear at the presentation of this legislation a promise?
were piled upon the claims of ineptness. Senate on Tuesday actually resembled
Several of the attending Senators more an assembly line of yes-men than anything
expressed similar dissatisfaction with COCA's else. A self-regulating and rigorous entity this
performance and quickly fell in line behind was not. As matter of fact, the speaking sena-
this legislation. The only protest, if you apply tors resembled mere Muppets, with the subtle
the rules of language about the term very loose- hand up their ass feeding them their opinion (I
ly, was a cdrrection made by USG President won't even get into the looming, whispering
Jared Wong concerning the funding involved in. Lago's that hover about the senate floor, drip-
the replacement of a film projector. It was orig- ping poison into willing ears). If anything, the
inally claimed by Nassimi that the projector presentation of this motion merely served to
was replaced by funds in excess of COCA's give one a broader view \of the Senate's inner
spending budget, when in fact the replacement workings. Having only witnessed these things
funds were taken directly from their budget. second hand, it was a rare treat to actually see
Otherwise, very little resistance to this bill was organization ,has not failed in the qualitative it in action. The drama promised and delivered
expressed, and it passed unanimously. sense, that its only failure has been due its lack here was on par with that from COCA. Maybe
This immediately brings to mind many of funding. In other words, COCA was presum- that is actually the Senate's intent: to provide us
questions about such a sudden move. Typically, able shut down for running out of funding, not with the same experience that we get when we go
the establishment of semi-independent agen- for the lack of delivery in terms of its purpose. to the movies. Escapist emotional fantasy pro-
cies is to ensure a neutral view-point and unbi- In fact, very little was mentioned in vided with real life repercussions. Here, $9.50
ased organization, uninfluenced by any incum- terms of how the organization replacing COCA would only get you legislated against.
bent political officials (in a sense, to ensure a would function. There were allusions made to
standard of quality regardless of the govern- this newly dependent group merely falling com-

War,I Occupation
I and the Fut Lre
_ . . i I i i · 1 , .I I By William Whaiton
With hurried excitement Stony Brook's servative politicians backed with military cre- could result from the aerial bombing of ques-
fledgling right-wing students tell us that April dentials to replace their chicken hawk prede- tionable sites, Rutter commented "If you are
20th will be a day to experience the "epitome of cessors. .expecting casualties, you have to be willing to
an all American soldier" as Scott Rutter comes With this in mind, Rutter has crafted a accept collateral damage."ii Further, in a meet-
to deliver a speech. Considering that they have nifty presentation that features a fantastic neo- ing with the Middle East forum Rutter boasted "I
also told me that privatizing social security is conservative view of the world in which didn't care. I only cared about my soldiers. If
good, homosexuals do not deserve civil rights American soldiers and citizens are increasing- something was moving and it wasn't wearing an
and that there is a massive liberal conspiracy to ly pleased by'carrying out and paying $156 bil- American uniform and it was an Iraqi it was
control the media, it seemed necessary to exam- lion for the occupation of Iraq. Unfortunately, dead. No questions asked."iii Consider these
ine this bold promotional claim. Is Rutter real- their genocidal bliss, Rutter argues, is consis- quotes in relation to the Geneva Conventions
ly representative of the American soldier in tently misrepresented by the "liberal" mass particularly Convention IV, Part I, Article 3,
Iraq? Will he, as the Patriot claims, provide media that insists on trumping up anti-war sen- which commands that occupying armies identi-
timents. fy and do no harm to civilian populations.iv If
"balance" to the Stony Brook campus?
What I discovered was that far from this clause was enforced, Rutter would most
being representative, the life story of Scott certainly be investigated if not convicted for
Rutter is one of shameless self-promotion in an war crimes against humanity,
attempt to convert a military career into politi- We should also consider Rutter's
cal power. From his position at FOX news and description as compared to that of Corporal
his association with the far right Young Michael Hoffman, a Marine who also served in
America's Foundation, Rutter offers anything Operation Iraqi Freedom. Hoffman warned that
but balance to the discussion about the contin- "the chaos of war should never be understated."
uing occupation of Iraq. Instead, his message of "On the way to Baghdad, I saw bodies by the
happy soldiers and the need for uncritical sup- road, many in civilian clothing." The hardest
port by the American public gives testimony to A Fantastic Soldier's Story thing for Hoffman was "...knowing what we have
the idea that war is best understood as the con- During "Operation Iraqi Freedom" Lt. done to those kids over there."v He recently
tinuation of politics by another means. Colonel Rutter commanded a platoon of 850 sol- told the Guardiannewspaper that he is haunted
For the past year, Rutter has traveled to diers whose main assignment was to seize by thinking of how many children were killed
college campuses throughout the country, stolen Baghdad's airport and financial district. He by his artillery battery.vi
Iraqi flag in hand, to tell of the wonders of war trained this group to display "brute force and Riutter's unit seizure of the Baghdad air-
and the need for passive acceptance of the Bush ignorance" as they encountered the enemy.i port was accomplished with seemingly little
agenda. War, it seems, will enrich not only oil However, these skills were employed when organized resistance. Rutter maintains that the
companies and weapons makers but will also Rutter's troops encpuritered Iraqi civilians.
serve to produce a new generation of neo-con- Concerning possible civilian deaths that

Page 4
 Bloomberg and the New York Jets are
the Real Devils in Hell's KitcI ien
By Steve Deaner
Let me start off by saying that I am a that all the blue walls that are in place were to soften babies' asses, he is trying to figure out
huge New York Giants fan and I hate the Jets. covered with green tarps. It truly was an ugly a. way to take the laughingstock of the National
My second favorite football team on any given sight to see. The fact that the Jets do not have a Football League and make them into a legitimate
Sunday is the team playing against the Jets. stadium to call their own, and must rent their team. His first step in doing this is to build a
Every four years, the Jets and Giants play each field from one of their arch enemies, like some stadium on the west side of Manhattan with the
other in a battle of epic proportions, at least to loser forty year old who has to pay rent to live help of his billionaire buddy, New York City
us football fans. Two years ago, I went with two in his parent's home, is the underlying psycho- Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
Jets fan friends of mine, lets call them Chian logical reason that most Jets fans want a new Woody and Bloomy are both members of
and Bristian, to the battleground known as stadium. They feel like a lesser people because an elite club, the billionaires club. It is very
Giants stadium, for the game. For anyone who is they don't have a stadium to call their own. To common for the members of this club to have a
not football savvy, it is important to know a these people I would say, you are not a lesser superiority complex. They all want to leave this
weird fact about both teams. You see, both people because you do.not have a home field, you earth being remembered as being great men who
teams call Giants stadium their home. Anytime are a lesser people because you like the Jets. did great, historical things. They all want to
the Jets fans go to watch their favorite team at This paranoid nature of Jets fans runs leave a legacy. That is why the mayor wants to
home, they must walk into a stadium with the all the way to the top of their managerial hier- have this stadium built, and it is why he is try-
name "GIANTS" emblazoned in blue and red on archy,' all the way to the ivory towers of the ing-to bring the 2012 Olympics to the city.
the front. The Jets fans are truly a people with- Johnson and Johnson Corporation, the company Bloomy wants to have a place to go when he is
out a home. This is a very sour reality for Jets that makes powder to help prevent rashes on done with being mayor, hopefully sooner rather
fans, especially for Chian and Bristian. babies' asses, to the owner of the Jets, Woody
On our way into the stadium, I noticed Johnson. When Woody isn't finding better ways

Bloomberg's War: Steriizing the ( Lty

By Brian Wasser
As if gentrification, ever-increasing the widespread discrimination in the name of political and economic establishment never
corporate and advertising presence and mid- sterilizing, regulating and limiting, to cared about that before; why start now? What
town "disneyfication" weren't enough, the arguable degrees of ideologically, institution-- kind of state are we living in that it's too dan-
Bloomberg Administration, late last month, ally premeditated intention on the part of city gerous and scary in the mind of officials and
filed a lawsuit against "Times Up," a direct- governments and the greater establishment. elites, for people to share common space?
action, grassroots environmental group based In a clumsy attempt to finally defeat Unfortunately, cities are one of the few places
in the City. The suit is based on the fact that Critical Mass and other, similar events based left where this sharing, this interaction, this
"Times Up" promotes Critical Mass bike rides around taking back the public urban land- free movement can at least partially take
and other "illegal" events, most based around scape for the people (events that owe their place. Out here in exurbia, you can't even
public space reclamation. Critical Mass, success against infiltration and suppression find a place on the water that isn't completely
which started in 1992 in San Francisco, is an from the authorities to their democratic, seized by gated communities, bourgeois coun-
event whereby cyclists can ride around their inclusive, nonhierarchical structure), try clubs, and other forms of private proper-
cities in large numbers, as both a statement ty;.no place to just hang out and not be both-
against the impersonal, congesting traffic of ered by security or fences.
cars, and as a reason just to get out, socialize, This debate has always existed, and it
and interact with others in a large-scale, won't go away. The recent lawsuit is only one
decentralized, egalitarian movement. The example in the continual process of convert-
overtones of open anarchist politics at the ing the city into a stale, contrived space,
roots of the movement have frustrated city meaningful only in its property value, and
officials and governments throughout the devoid of any real character or spontaneity.
country. After all, there's no inherent ille- Another instance is the plan intending pri-
gality; it's just people riding their bikes, that vately dominated, inane "renovation" for
happen to be all- in one place, and therefore Washington Square Park, a plan just proposed
happen to jam the automobile traffic that is by an elite, sixteen-person committee. The
increasingly taking over the organic, public project includes eliminating the circular sit-
city. As urban landscapes are continually ting areas, decreasing gathering space, chop-
reinvented in the name of profit and con- ping down all the trees and installing a five
sumerism, often at the expense of a larger foot fence around the park's perimeter, to be
sense of community, events promoted by locked at night. The park, as public space,
"Times Up" serve a vital, reactionary purpose. will essentially be ruined, after scheduled
Critical Mass riders received a lot of attention Bloomberg's New York has undermined more construction begins, just after NYU students
for arrests last year during the Republican than the organizations it deems illegal. The leave for the summer. It will no longer be a
Convention in August. action holds that the public cannot partici- hub of public, artistic, political, social activ-
There's something wrong, to begin pate in Critical Mass rides. More generally, ity.
with, about arresting people for existing in any "event," any gathering, of mere than twen- So, like a good American mayor,
public spaces. There's also something wrong ty people, is to be deemed illegal without a Bloomberg is winning his war on terrorism,
with restricting the public for the sake of permit. For example, congregating in any that is, on the homeless, on activists, on
keeping traffic flowing. The city belongs as park, for any reason, is unlawful. Are you skateboarders and anyone who refuses to be
much to people on foot as it does to those in kidding me? Not only is almost every square relegated, by new forms of control, to private,
cars. There are, however, two sides of the foot of the City private property (even, career-and-materialism hideaways. The bat-
argument. There has to be "some" order. With increasingly, in the parks), but now it is off tle is also being won, by developers and offi-
regard to the cyclists, it is argued that they limits to be in a group in public too. The suit cials, against organizations that exist in order
are just doing it to cause havoc, to annoy the is clumsy for two reasons. One, it is a small to promote varied environmentally sustain-
motorists. That's not really true, but when step in the ideological attack on the democrat- able solutions. I don't know about you, but I
was intentionality ever a reason to discrimi- ic nature of public space as a whole, and on feel safe now that that message can't be
nate between two legally equal entities (all the rights we have to get the fuck out of our spread, that more cyclists are hauled to jail
traffic laws that apply to cars apply to bikes)? houses and live a little, to live, actively, in a with every successive Critical Mass ride, and
How is someone who goes out to engage with meaningful social context. Second, it will be that the sidewalks are full of metal boxes and
others in making a statement about the city's almost completely useless in practice, other neon signs, rather than ten full blocks of peo-
spatial framework, for example, any less jus- than annoying those who desire genuine pub- ple, people who want a city that doesn't pun-
tified in contributing to congestion than lic interaction, and diverting the attention of ish individuals for cultivating an individual
someone who's driving across town to see law enforcement to stifling that which is actu- connection to their society.
what's on sale at H&M? That's just the point- ally conducive for a healthy society. But the
Page 5
 the ston brook

PRES
Editorials
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the community

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and features

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Editorial Board I~
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ssub .Commandante
Joe Filippazzo :~
Christ is not, a Pol itician
ns r lsn U .: .::
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On Sunday, April 24, the Family Research Southern Baptists and Born Again Christians are mad
Managing Editor Council will be holding a massive telecast lead by sen- with power and will not stop until the entire world
Mike Billings' ate majority leader Bill Frist. The event, while consti- either dies or converts at their hands. George Bush fer-
tutionally protected as free speech is a deplorable act vently believes in the rapture and that is something we
Associate Editor which shakes the moral, political and ethical standards must fear. George and friends aim to take over the
Amberly Timperio we supposedly run 'this nation on. There is freedom of Middle East and pave the way for the second coming.
religion in this nation, there is freedom of speech. This is fact, not up for debate. When the senate major-
Business Manager There is also supposed to be separation of church and ity leader is telling you that you will hate filibusters if
David K. Ginn state. Clearly that is no longer the case. you are a good Christian, we have a problem.
Politicians are allowed to have religion, and are It's all in the name of religion now and what you
Production Manager allowed to be active members of their churches, syna- are told, not what you think. You can't decide to be a
Rob Pearsall gogues, temples, mosques, etc. They should not be good Christian or not, or what your views on filibuster
allowed to tug on the religious heart strings of the are. You are told them by "better" more powerful
News Editors devout and use that as a way to sway Americans into Christians. There is no democracy in that. Christ com-
Joan Leong believing what the say or as a way to conjure up votes. pels you to vote, and vote for him. In this country we
Michael Prazak Back in the cold war we fought the "Godless commie have to make our ultimate choice very soon. Are we a
pinkos" and now, we're fighting the Godless democrats. secular nation with freedom of religion, or are we a
Features Editor This is complete insanity. The Stony Brook Press as an Christian nation hell bent on converting everyone else?
Melanie Donovan organization promotes the mixing of religion and poli- How easily these same Christians forget that
tics, and disapproves of ANY public policy issue or they are the ones who made filibuster famous when they
Arts Editor legal issue becoming a matter of Christian vs. non- used it to block civil rights legislation. How easily they
Meri Wayne Christian. George Bush has publicly stated that he has forget their holy war against minorities in this country
doubts about evolution, and that the philosophy of Jesus (which is still going on really). We have a climate of
Photo Editor rules his presidency. If the latter comment was actual- holy war in our land. We scream and holler against the
Jowy Romano ly true, he would not be bombing women and children holy war against America by some extremists, but we
indiscriminately. If George Bush was a true Christian, are waging our own right here in the US. Are we at The
Copy Editors he would be spreading love not hate. Stony Brook Press the only ones who can see this? If so,
Matthew Willemain The breed of Christianity which has shown up in then it is our duty to inform the public of this gross pox
Marcel Votlucka this country is unlike anything else in the world. on humanity we call our current political climate.
Nicole L Barry

Webslinger
Tom Clark
The Death Penalty is an
Minister of Archives
Joe Rios
Abuse of State Power
The news that the New York State Assembly its purpose of defending our rights and liberties, but as

I Peasan
Ay Ombudsman
Dustin Herlich

VlafthewAugustine Jamie Mignone

recently voted to reject the state's death penalty law
should come as a joy to those of us who value liberty,
justice and human life. Now New York joins such states
as Connecticut, 'Nebraska, Illinois and New Mexico in
working to overhaul the death penalty. We should look
soon as you turn your back to it, it may very well turn
on you. The state is basically a legal monopoly on vio-
lence, and the police and the army are meant to channel
that violence into national and community defense.
Most libertarians see capital punishment as an exces-
acquie Bachman Ali Nazir forward to the day when capital punishment bites the sive use of this violence aimed at individual citizens.
ames Blonde Mike Nevradakis dust all over the country. While one's first impulse upon meeting a murderer may
3en Bravmann Jason Ng Opposition to capital punishment comes from be to wish death upon-him or her in the name of justice,
Philip Camacho Andrew Pernick many diverse sources, but there are three main points it's for our own good that the state not have the legal
Sarah Cassone Laura Positano that opponents make. First is the very real threat of power to target individual citizens for execution,
Willy Cibinskas Rachel Eagle Reiter executing innocent people-at which point it becomes because this power can and is abused and applied
Juliet DiFrenza Ian Rice murder. Second, there are questions as to whether it's unfairly and inconsistently.
Mike"Bublz"Fabbri Justin Rowe applied fairly and impartially. It's often mentioned Many innocent people have been exonerated who
Vincent Festa Tiffany Russo that black men have a higher chance of facing capital would've faced death otherwise; since 1773, 119 people
Rob Gilheany Joey Safdia punishment than other criminals, because of the pro- in 25 states have been released from, death row with evi-
Sam Goldman Natalie Schultz foundly racist nature of this nation's criminal justice dence of their innocence, according to the Death Penalty
rara Lynn Groth, Tom Senkus system. Third, maiy suggest that it's too lenient a pun- Information Center. Imagine all the numbers of wholly
Paula Guy Jorge Sierra ishment; that forcing murderers to rot in jail for the innocent people who have been mistakenly murdered by
test of their miserable lives is a far more fitting pun- the state over the years and you'll get a sense of just how
Jackie Hayes Christine Tanaka
ishment-and far more painful psychologically. But dangerous it is, to allow the government to have this kind
Steph Hayes Claudia Toloza
there's one argument against capital punishment that of awesome power over life and death. To further illus-
Daniel Hofer Lena Tumasyan trate the gravity of this issue, several of the legislators
we don't often hear, which is actually the best argument
Adam Kearney Brian Wasser who voted to re-instate New York State's capital punish-
against it-that capital punishment gives the state too
'Ihe Cxuntf' Late Morgan Wilding ment law in 1995 have,changed their minds this time
much power.
Bill Lewis Chris Williams around, opting to flatline it for this year.
As a libertarian, I believe that the state is at
Antony Lin Brian Wong "'Thisis a historic step by New York, which is
best a necessary evil. And because it is a necessary
Seth Maggiore Jessica Worthington evil, we ought to regard it like a wild bull; it can serve the first state in a long, long time to scrutinize the
lohn-Mascher Ed Zadoroznv death penalty with public hearings, debate it, and then
essentially reject it." So said Richard Dieter, executive
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during the academic year and twice director of Death Penalty Information Center, which is
during summer session by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit
an anti-death penalty advocacy group.
organization funded by the Student Activity Fee.
The opinions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints And indeed the key word here is scrutiny. We
do not necessarily reflect those of The StonyBrook Press as a whole. all should scrutinize the motives of any action taken by
Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect editorial policy. the state, especially when the lives of other human
For more information on advertising and deadlines call (631)632-6451. beings are in the balance, whether they be law-abiding
Staff meetings are held Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. citizens or heartless murderers. When it comes to state
First copy free. For additional copies contact the Business Manager. power, suspicion-extreme suspicion-should always be
The Stony Brook Press the guiding rule. Capital punishment is a good example
Suites 060 & 061, Student Union
SLJNY at Stony Brook
Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200
(631) 632-4137 Voice

Page 6
 ill I
-the ston broo
·

I
P RES
the community news and fes
Letters

t1 mne isign., go nungry so you cani worry aout your couies-

terol. Millions have to leave their families and
You poor things, I implore you to remem- go to far away lands to be shot dead so that you
ber that you have the potential to be people. Its can have a bigger automobile between now and
cold and lonely at the "top" with only greed to fifty years from now when the oil dries up,
keep you company. Dividend write-offs offer' eighteen years of life gone for another half-cen-
little consolation for you who truly hate your- tury of your vanity.
selves so much that you treat all others like You worship false idols. Dirty green
objects, resources, functions, in a word, slaves. pieces of paper. They don't love you back. They
Your ineffectual parents threw money at tell you what to do so they can keep themselves
the problem they considered you, instead of company and multiply. You see yourselves in
time and loving kindness, and now you have no them. The similarity is this; you only care about
real palpable sense of humanity as a result. yourselves. The few of you must live fearfully
They treat you like property, just a custodian and plot to keep yourselves in power by impos-
for their possessions when they die. They still ing fear on others. You instill the fear of not
throw money at you in an attempt to compensate, having enough money among the poor. You've
they run solely on guilt, and now you can gotten them to believe in it, and now they'll do
destroy an oil business, shank stockholders, anything you tell them, so they can perpetually
mistreat hard-working employees, start a vie for the imaginary "enough money." You've
tabloid, to fill the void where what was to be tricked them into thinking that salvation is got-
human never blossomed. ten through drudgery.
You've got your faith. Your anthropomor- Everything you've done is going to hurt
phized account of spirituality will send you to you. It doesn't prevent the rest of us from know-
the hell it has invented long before your death. ing that we are free, it just makes it more diffi-
You're in for more lonliness when your god cult for everyone, including you.
doesn't answer you, the God spelled with a cap- All that I can say about you has a single
ital "G" who for some strange reason has told point and underlying law; your lack of compas-
you that you have the authority to destroy all sion will be your undoing. 'Your high-walled
that He made. Ask why he has forsaken you. Its neighborhoods are standing signs of your own
because you've got it backwards. You created denial and guilt. Because you need so much to
him, and then forsake the reasons why. It must keep yourselves distracted, and you cannot deal
be lonely. with the results of the deficit of resources that
You have prevented others from being you've created, you've built yourselves
human on your quest to remain without any fortresses. You turn a blind eye to the poverty
essence that would constitute the idea of "soul." that you are responsible for, so you can be com-
Why can there not be others that are unlike fortable with the unwarranted power that you
you? Does it hurt to see human beings having were born with. Wasted potential. That's what
fun, living lives, being nice to each other, not you love and that's what you are and that's all
being killed or punishing themselves, eating that you'll ever love and that's all that you'U
enough, being healthy, breathing clean air. Do ever be. That is your worst sin, second only to
living human beings unsettle you? How about your lack of compassion.
living and gay? or black? or intelligent? or Give up your fear. Let go of your hate.
female? No, not at all, you don't consider those Change your xenophobic spirituality. Pursue
ways of being to be human. meaningful action, forsake money. Do these
You have to keep taking from others to words sound familiar? If not, then your place of
stay the way you are. You are parasites. You are worship needs to do some fact checking.
a burden on humanity. For you, millions must
work so hard that they have little time or ener- Many blessings and good luck,
gy to think. Millions must risk their lives to Jamie Mignone,
live up to your double-standard. Millions.must Human Being

Are you an http:/ /Alleged.Leftist?

Come to, supposedly, The Stony Brook Press.
According to "rumors," meetings are purported to be at 1:00pm,
or thereabouts, on what sources say, are Wednesdays in, as I
have been told, the Union 2 in what unconfirmed reports say is
Room 060, which is located in, some imply, the so-called
http:/ union.basement.

1:Which canonly be described as an "alleged leftist jamboree"

2:The act of umtingor the state of being united

Page 7
 SInt er o* nal
Internati cessation of aggression during World War II.
However, the violence in these protests has been
Eliahu reversed an earlier decision and
declared that the anti-erectile dysfunction
sudden and the permissive allowance of physi- drug Viagra can be kosher for Passover. Rabbis
Ecuador- State of Emergency Declared cal aggression against Japanese interests in the over the past several years have ruled against
province by the Chinese government has sur- the taking of Viagra during Passover because
On Friday April 15, President Lucio prised many. Talks between the nations have the pill's outside coating contains leaven. Jews
Gutierrez declared a state of emergency in been engaged but many suspect these meetings are banned from eating leaven during the eight-
Quito, Ecuador. This measure was taken due to to have very little effect on the already strained day-long holiday in remembrance of the Jews'
the unrest caused by Gutierrez's dismissal of relations. exodus from Egypt. This law extends to pharma-
the Supreme Court. This is not the first time ceuticals as well, so long as the drugs are not
that Supreme Court has been dissolved in Kofi Annan Cleared in the taken for a life-threatening condition. Since
Ecuador. In December of 2004, Gutierrez had Oil-For-Food Scandal erectile dysfunction is hardly a life-threaten-
dismissed the Supreme Court judges claiming ing condition, few rabbis have approved Viagra
that they were biased and favoring opposition Annan was accused of mismanaging $60 million use during the holiday since its introduction in
parties. More specifically, Gutierrez took this in the oil-for-food program by UN officials. He 1998.
action soon after judges of the Supreme Court was cleared of improperly awarding funds to a The new ruling came amid reports that
had sided wi,th opposition politicians in a failed Swiss company that his son was employed by. Israeli rabbis and Pfizer Pharmaceuticals-
attempt to impeach him. Some believe that The new evidence finds that they do not have Israel have been receiving a steady of stream of
Gutierrez's action in December had to do with enough proof to connect Annan to the corrupt phone calls regarding the subject. According to
facilitating the return of former Ecuadorian actions taken by his son. However, his son role's the Jerusalem Post, Pfizer contacted Rabbi
President Abdala Bucaram, who had been exiled in this scandal is still under investigation. The Menahem Burstein, head of the Puah Institute
to Panama after being charged with corruption. oil-for-food program began as an effort to alle- for Fertility and Medicine According to Halacha
Fellow party members of Bucaram's apparently viate the suffering of the Iraqi people as a result (Jewish Scripture). Burstein, in turn, contacted
had backed up Gutierrez in order to prevent his of UN sanctions following the invasion of Kuwait Rabbi Eliahu, who ruled that Viagra can be
impeachment. Critics of Gutierrez's actions in 1990. The tables have turned and Kofi Annan taken during Passover if the pills are placed
claim that the disintegration of the Supreme is pointing his finger at Britain and the United into special kosher gelatin capsules prior to
Court is unconstitutional and believe that States for turning a blind eye to the oil smug- Passover, and then swallowed with the pill.
Gutierrez is behaving like a dictator. The decla- gling that was going on. Since the program had No word yet on whether Cialis or Levitra face
ration of a state of emergency reduces the indi- begun, Saddam had managed to steal billions of the same issues.
vidual rights of Ecuadorian citizens greatly, as dollars that was directed for the relief of his
of now they are not allowed to assemble publicly people. Annan believed that since the oil was Venezuela Plans to Go After Oil Companies
and the military has been instructed to main- sold to Turkey and Jordan who are allies of the
tain order. Whatever the case may be this situ- two countries, the US and Britain decided to According to India Daily, President
ation has definitely put a lot of stress on the turn a blind eye to what was happening. The Chavez plans to go after international oil com-
people of Ecuador. British and US reject these claims. More details panies in Venezuela for tax evasion. On April
On Saturday April 16, President to follow. 14, the Venezuelan Energy Ministry made state-
Gutierrez lifted the state of emergency he had ments that it would begin a full-scale tax inves-
declared the day before. The state of emergency Iraq Names its tigation into all foreign firms operating in the
was not taken lightly by Ecuadorian citizens Transitional Government oil industry. They are expected to gain about
who soon after it was declared poured into the $2 billion following the conclusion of the inves-
streets in disapproval. The issuing and lifting After months of speculation and debate, tigations.
of a state of emergency in a matter of two days the Iraqi National Assembly has finally named Chavez also plans to alter 32 oil con-
shows that the political situation in Ecuador is its president and two parliamen't"deputies. In a tracts with companies including Chevron Texaco
unstable and that more problems are likely surprising appointment,- minority Kurdish Corp. and Conoco Phillips, forcing them into
until this issue has been resolved. leader Jalal Talabani was named interim gov- joint contracts with the state. Venezuela would
ernment president. The two new parliament then hold 51% stake in all oil ventures, thereby
Anti-Japanese Sentiment deputies are Shiite Islamist Adel Abdel Mahdi maximizing the government's oil revenue.
Rages in China and Sunni president Ghazi al-Yawar. Despite Chavez fears outside aggression and for-
the differences in their religious backgrounds, eign intervention in response to oil company
Tens of thousands of Chinese gathered in they all managed to work together to name the investigations. He has since strengthened rela-
Shanghai this past week to protest a cumulative top three positions in the new transitional gov- tions with Brazil, India, Russia, and China and
series of controversial decisions made recently ernment. Shiite majority leader Ibrahim al- has also organized a large militia under his
by the Japanese government. Sparked off, ini- Jafaari has been named the Prime Minister. direct control.
tially, by a recent edition of a Japanese history After years of restraint, under Saddam's
text that downplayed that nation's abuse of Baathist's Party, the Sunni majority and the Bolivian Congress Plans to Review Oil
China during World War II. This came in the oppressed Kurdish minority are finally able to and Gas Contracts
form of regaling the massacre of Nan King to the exert their influence over the government. The
status of event, only paying lip service to its new transitional government have had to bury The Bolivian Congress will review close
impact and brutality. This was compounded by their feelings of disdain towards the Shia- to 72 oil and gas contracts, including a contract
the Japanese government's decision to begin Sunnis who have tortured and violated their with Royal Dutch Shell following a high court
ocean drilling in an area still under dispute rights under Saddam's regime. Hopefully with decision stating that lawmakers could ratify or
between the two nations. Finally, the recent the new key figures in place every voice of the annul contracts made under previous govern-
attempt by Japan to be installed as a full mem- Iraqi citizen will finally be heard and they are ments.
ber of the UN Security Council has renewed a one step closer to achieving a lasting peace. According to Bloomberg.com, current
sentiment, of the Japanese as a war mongering Bolivian President Carlos Mesa opposes any
people, among the Chinese. These flare-ups have Viagra Ruled Kosher for Passover changes to the contracts stating, "The decisions
signaled a renewal of tensions between the two that the National Congress takes regarding the
Asian nations that have been brewing since the On April 14, Israeli Rabbi Mordechai responsibility of previous Presidents. minis-

Page 8
ters and congressman on this issue are deci- baby and put her in a large display tank for this past Thursday. While no jail time was
sions we'll have to respect." viewing. Questions about the normalcy of this issued, three orders of protection were signed
Yet, Evo Morales, leader of the Movement Toward mix and if this is messing with nature will most by the defendant. If Mr. Rasulo is caught violat-
Socialism, the second largest political party in likely be brought up. It is said by scientists ing said orders he risks facing up to a year in
Bolivia, is pushing for Congress to void the con- that this breed is not unnatural, because prison combined with a fine of up to $1,000 dol-
tracts. Manuel Morales, the party'sdeputy stat- although the two animals are .different species, lars.
ed, "These companies made a big mistake in they are in the same family. Mixes like this one
failing to have Congress ratify the contracts... have also been found in the wild. The wholphin K-Rock Changes Format,
these contracts are null and void, and Bolivian is definitely a scary thought when you think Spawns Internet Sibling
law does not permit litigation by a foreign com- about the combinations of different species.
pany." Hopefully, if these hybrids really do occur in On April 4, New York's WXRK (92.3 FM),
the wild, it will be left up to nature and not sci- which originally started out as a classic rock
Newly Declassified Documents Shed entists. station before switching to modern rock in
More Light on Negroponte's Involvement 1985, has changed its format to mainstream
in Iran-Contra Affair rock, expanding its playlist to include more
Wal-Mart Donates rock from the 80's and 90's in an attempt to gain
The Washington Post recently exposed $35 million to Wildlife a larger audience.
newly declassified cables and memos they Viacom's Infinity Broadcasting, which
obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. Admitting that they are bastards, Wal-Mart owns the station, also simultaneously launched
These documents reveal that Negroponte had donates $35 million dollars to offset the damage a streaming internet radio station on their web-
pressured the President's National Security they have done to the environment in their site, krockradio.com. Dubbed KROCK2, the
Advisor and CIA Director to continue supplying expansive retail history. They promised to buy internet stream will focus more on playing new
the Contras with arms, even after the House all the acres of lands equal to their acres of music, including more avant-garde music that
voted to cut all financial aid to the Contras in stores and reserve them as "priority" wildlife normally would not be played over the air.
1983. The memos specifically suggested main- habitats. The idea was first proposed to Wal- WXRK's Robert Cross told Billboard, "we
taining secret arms deals. Mart last year by the National Fish and Wildlife were serving two masters, and this is a way for
The Bush Administration recently nom- Foundation chairman Max Chapman Jr. and us to split it into two, and super-serve the new
inated John Negroponte for the National claims that Wal-Mart didn't hesitate to take up music needs on the Web and [satisfy] the people
Intelligence Director. In an interview with the offer. The Sierra Club released this com- who just want the best rock of the last 15-20
Democracy Now's Amy Goodman Negroponte ment, "Wal-Mart thinks it can paint over its years in one place." Infinity's Rob Barnett told
stated in regards to the documents that, "what- record with a nice shade of green, but that won't Billboard that the "positive reaction" to
ever courses of action I recommended in hide its true colors," said Eric Olson. While Infinity's internet-only WHFS in Washington,
Honduras were always entirely consistent with everyone has its criticisms with Wal-Mart, they D.C. influenced their decision to start up
applicable law at the time." Later he admitted deserve some credit for being the first major KROCK2.
that, "I haven't had an opportunity to look at the corporation to take a step towards conservation. With the format flip, New York now sup-
cables to which the Washington Post refers." Wal-Mart has continual lawsuits against them plants Philadelphia as the largest market with-
either for labor practice or their numerous out a modern rock station, and follows the clos-
environmental violations. Whatever their ing of modern rock stations in Philly, D.C.,
National motive, they are trying to clean up their image Houston, Tampa, San Jose and Miami.
just in time for Earth Day on April 22nd. (For more information, read "Rock Radio
Frightening Statistics Rolls Over - Will It Play Dead?" in the previous
issue of The Press or thepress.info).
The anticorporate activist group Citizen Local
Works compiled the following statistics about Return Of Union Bathrooms
excessive executive compensation from reports Freaks Attack Campus
in the New York Times, Business Week and the This week heralds the return of the famous
research of Pearl Meyer & Partners and Mercer The weekend of I-Con 24 saw an unheard Union Deli bathrooms! Finally, students are no
Human Resource Consulting: 1) chief executive of amount of additional activities occurring longer forced to use whatever empty au bon soup
salaries at 179 of the largest companies who had completely independent of the gathering itself. container they can find. The student body has
not changed management in the past year rose From the Music for Peace Festival, in the been without this prime spot for piddling for
12% to an average of $9.84 million 2) consult- Graduate Caf6, to the Cabaret s showing of the nearly the entire year, and its lack has been
ants predict CEO pay increases to exceed 20% rock musical Hair in the Fanny Brice Theatre. sorely felt. The countless horror stories of stu-
this year 3) bonuses at 100 successful big com- One could ask why campus life isn't always as dents dying in that very hallway, overcome by
paines rose by 46.4%. lively as it was this weekend. Perhaps adminis- their own filth and crapulence, have been dis-
tration is trying to purge the campus of any seminated like urban legends around a camp-
Whale-Dolphin Crossbreed in Hawaii lively energy in one fell swoop, much like the fire. The facilities have largely been deemed
Dionysian festivals of ancient Greece. In any "worthy of shitting in," and so it seems the
In Honolulu, Hawaii, the second whale- event, the students of the campus hold out dwin- entire renovation was entirely justified. This
dolphin mix was born on December 23rd. Its dling hope that weekends like this may become comes at the recent unveiling of Stony Brooks
mother, Kekaimalu, is a mix of a false killer more common. new Delancy Street Deli, which any number of
whale and an Atlantic bottlenose dolphin. The taglines could encompass, but the most telling
yet to be named wholphin is one-fourth false SBU Student Arrested one is "the Deli, down the hall from the Deli."
killer whale and three-fourths Atlantic bot- So, finally, thlose seeking to relive the joy of
tlenose dolphin. The young wholphin is the size Stony Brook University student, stumbling out of Papa Joes, clenching their
of a 1 year-old Atlantic bottlenose dolphin and Vincent Rasulo (former USG senator and stead- twisted guts, into the arms of the Union Deli
her skin is the mix between a dolphin's grey fast member of the CORE party), was arrested bathroom are treated to a wonderful sense of
skin and a false killer whale's black skin. Wednesday night on three counts of harassment nostalgia. The old and the new coming together
Officials at the Sea Life Park will soon name the in the second degree. He was arraigned in court per usual at Stony Brook University!

Page 9
.4

.4

~.1;
 New York Should Join Washingon In
-
Removing Our Electral Head from Our 44ss
By Matt Willemain
The way we elect some of our leaders, plurality voting, we do not realize that it does American Political Science Association.
like presidents and governors, is bullshit. It is not have to be this way. Reformers have had a Instant runoff voting guarantees that the
called plurality voting. This is when everybody lot of success lately with a different system for eventual winner has the support of a majority.
votes one time for one favorite candidate, and single-winner elections called instant runoff It allows for more people to participate in poli-
the candidate with more votes than any other, no voting. tics, and frees voters to stand up for what they
matter how few votes that is, wins. This system really believe in. Since candidates still have the
is terrible, because if you have more than two :~ · j opportunity to win a second or third choice vote
candidates it all comes crashing down. If you ... -, from the people who will vote first for their
have ever tried to rent a movie with ten people rivals, they have an incentive to disagree
you know exactly what I'm talking about. We respectfully, and to pay attention to supports of
should use a different method, called instant ...,. ,. .
their rivals.
runoff voting. On 12 April, a bill allowing cities in
-' •
The consequences of plurality voting for -·~l · Washington State to try instant runoff voting
our democracy are dramatic. Good recent exam- passed their legislature. If Washington's
T.ii
"'"a,~n.z,~e-~--c;·;--o~cln,,,.,~_l

ples are the two presidential campaigns of !:: i Governor Christine Gregoire, gives her approval,
Ralph Nader in 2000 and 2004. Worried about Vancouver will join San Francisco as US cities
"spoiling" the election, many people who would using instant runoff, or as they call it in there,
love to see Nader as President decided not to ranked choice voting.- The voters there have
vote for him. More than that, an embarrassing already approved a trial of the method.
number of people felt that it was ok to force We ought to be giving instant runoff vot-
Nader off of state ballots, stripping anyone who ing a chance here in New York. Assemblyman
might have voted for him of their most funda- Fred Thiele has introduced legislation to that
mental democratic rights. Problems like the end, but this is a symbolic gesture. In the cir-
ones faced by Nader are the tip of the iceberg. cus that is New York State politics, Democrats in
How many great people do not run for office, the Senate, and Republicans in the Assembly
expecting to face this very situation? How much (like Thiele) are virtually powerless without
more interesting and meaningful would the last tremendous support from the public. For
presidential election have been if John McCain instant runoff voting to have a real chance, it
or Howard Dean felt that they could run as inde- would need the support of an Assembly
pendents? Democrat or Senate Republican, like our own
Most people do not vote. One of the big Runoff elections, instant or otherwise, Assemblyman Steve Englebright or Senator John
reasons for this is that elections suck. They are are used to elect the heads of state of nearly Flanagan, who, incidentally, happens to be the
too often uninteresting, meaningless and overly every democracy in the world, and we use them Chairman of the Senate Elections Committee.
negative. Candidates with the potential to ener- in our own student government. In ordinary More information about instant runoff
gize people are too often shut out of politics. runoff elections, if the winner out of three or voting can be found at the advocate site Fair
More and more, the choices we are offered do not more candidates doesn't have support from the Vote, clicking on the "IRV America" subjection.
make a difference. For instance, if you are majority, the top two candidates run head to Fair Vote is a broad electoral reform effort
against the invasion and ongoing occupation of head in a second election. With instant runoffs, founded by former moderate Republican con-
Iraq, neither the Democratic or Republican par- you skip the second election and go to the polls gressman and 1980 independent presidential
ties deserves your vote. In the polarizped us- once, listing the candidates you support in the candidate John Anderson. The web site is at
versus-them two party climate, politicians feel order you prefer. Instant runoff voting elects http://www.fairvote.org
free to pull all kinds of nasty tricks on their the Mayors of London and San Francisco and the Assemblyman Steve Englebright can be
opponents, and, once in office, to completely presidents of Ireland and Malta. It is has been called in Albany at 518.455.4804 or reached by
ignore supporters of their defeated opponent. used successfully for half a century for the mail at LOB 824, Albany, NY 12248. Senator
Due to the fact that we take the way we Australian legislature. It is recommended by John Flanagan can be called in Albany at
run our political system for granted, and Robert's Rules of Order, the definitive guide to 518.455.2071 or reach by mail at Room 817
because we do not question institutions like running meetings, and is used internally by The LOB, Albany, NY 12247.

Budgets Struggled Through, but Reconcil ed,

at Recent Senate Meetin
By Michael Praz
This Tuesday, April 19, there were pre- increase in the student activity fee, while only arate vote provided for a referendum in which
sented to the Undergraduate Student requiring clubs and organizations to cut 25 students will be asked if they want to raise the
Government (USG) Senate floor a series of budg- percent- from t heir expected budget. This activity fee $0, $10 or $14. The Senate also
et proposals aimed at providing a new, balanced option seemed 1ike it would pass unanimously, deliberately failed to pass a budget by the
economic plan for the upcoming semesters. until issues wvith its implementation and already extended deadline, as a decision to
Chairperson of the budget committee Raj Gupta urgency were h ighlighted by several members defer the budgetary responsibility to the
was noticeably absent during the presentation of NYPIRG. -Executive Council. This seemed to please most
of said budget, leaving a bewildered, but From he:re, options were entertained in attendance, although several still displayed a
admirably focused, Ilan Nassimi to field ques- ranging from no activity fee increase, along with visible amount of disagreement with the adopt-
tions in his stead. the resulting draimatic 50 percent cut to all club ed policy.
A cover letter, listing budget options, budgets, to an evren steeper activity fee increase, A few epilogue-like things happened,
was handed out, in conjunction with listings of $14 instead of $10, which would mean only though they bear decreasing importance to the
each campus group and their standing within small cuts to eveery campus club's budget. This topic of the budget. First, someone stated that
the new viewpoint neutral system for student deadlocked both the Senate and the gallery, and perhaps if both options, the $10 and the $14
activity fee funding. The list presented three eventually devol lved to a large unrefined discus- dollar, along with the default no increase
different options for the USG Senate to consider, sion and argume nt session. It seemed as if near- option, were placed on the ballot for vote it
along with a superfluous fourth option, deemed ly all present understood the need for a deci- would help to inform students of the options
impossible due to the SUNY Chancellor's sion to be mad(e,however, a large part of the available to them. Finally, a repentant and
Guidelines. The intricacies of each were pre- gallery could no ,t necessarily agree on what the puppy-dog eyed Robert Romano delivered his
sented, and the Senate then opened the floor to direct outcome should be. apology for a mix up in scheduling the Vice-
questions from the gallery, which was filled Finally, 1the Senate voted symbolically to Presidential debates. Instead of on Thursday,
with representatives from many clubs. raise the activit y fee ten dollars, but this can- as advertised, they would occur, on Wednesday.
Initially, the most appealing option not be implemer ited until after students vote on Many people in attendance agreed his dourness
seemed to be the one that asked for a $10 the issue in upcc)ming campus elections. A sep- seemed sincere.
Page 11
 - ·-
War, Ocupation and the Fut Lire
By William Wharton
World Trade Center on September 11th where kind of united front.
"...the pillars of our strengthathe World Trade The sum total of Rutter's maneuvering
ease or conquest was basea on tne overwneiming Center's with planes hanging out of them."x from the military to FOX News to an organiza-
military superiority and civilizing force of the This event, Rutter claims, has produced an tion of the far right came during the 2004
US. "No other civilization in the world," he unwavering commitment to the occupation of Congressional elections in Pennsylvania. In a
claims, could have accomplished the conquest of Iraq among the soldiers that needs to be repli- hastily organized campaign, Rutter presented
Baghdad in a mere 21 days.vii He sought to cated among the citizens of the country. Rutter himself as a Republican candidate in the elec-
enshrine this civilizational advance permanent- insists that there must be an unwavering sup- toral race for Pennsylvania's District 13 but
ly by renaming the seized airport as the George port of both the US troops and the US govern- failed to win the party's nomination. He was,
Bush, International Airport until he realized ment among all Americans. Anything less is an however, able to generate $150,000 in campaign
there was an airport with a similar name in invitation for more terrorist activity. cash contributions and one can be fairly certain
Houston. What Rutter refused to recognize was Of course these claims are particularly that this initial entrance into the electoral
that the ease of conquest was based primarily on absurd given the evidence of soldier's increas- realm will be followed by more serious efforts
the conscious strategy of the Iraqi military ing refusals to carry out suicidal orders from in the future.xii
which was converting itself from a standing their superiors and the rapid development of
army to a network of guerilla fighters. veteran anti-war groups such as the Iraqi Whose Future Will It Be?
Here, with George Bush preparing to Veterans against the War and Military Family Rutter's view of the world is instructive
land on an aircraft carrier to announce the end Speak Out. Even more remarkably, Rutter's in that it can provide the Stony Brook communi-
of combat operations, Rutter's platoon received positions keep alive the utterly false claim cir- ty with a clear exposition of the type of society
a seemingly bizarre order - break up a car-jack- culated by the. Bush administration that there the far right wishes to further construct in
ing ring operating in Baghdad. The organization was some direct connection between Iraq and America. A .passive citizenry, militaristic
of the insurgency was forcing the US military the Sentember 11th attacks. force informed by a civilizing mission and the
leadership to convert its troops into a police elimination of social guarantees such as public
force in a desperate attempt to effect an effi- education and social security are just some of
cient occupation. .Rutter quickly arrested 150 the highlights of the world that Rutter and the
Iraqis but was forced to admit to the press that far right desire.
it had become increasingly difficult to discrim- At Stony Brook, undergraduates are-just
inate between civilians and the Iraqi military. one of the groups faced with the cruel logic of
Nevertheless, at least publicly, Rutter main- the Republicans political project as more than
tained a confident bravado by matching Bush's $150 billion dollars in tax money poured into
call for insurgents to "bring it on" by claiming the occupation of Iraqi while SUNY Trustees
that "we own the night."viii announce yearly "automatic" tuition increases.
It is, therefore, essential that when Scott
Escape from Baghdad Rutter, an epitome of the regressive policies of
or a One-Man Retreat right-wing, arrives at Stony Brook he is made to
However, privately Rutter must have understand that students and workers at Stony
realized how impossible it would be occupy Iraq Brook will not stand idly by while their future
in the face of guerilla insurgency. It was at this is destroyed. Indeed, April 20th could become
moment that he displayed how dissimilar his a day in which the politics of fear are converted
class privileges were from the vast majority of into those of peace and liberation. The very
US troops. Unlike the thousands of troops possibility of a democratic future depends on
forced to remain in Iraq through the policy of However, these views must be under- our collective ability to overcome the assault by
"stop-loss," Rutter filed for retirement and was stood as part of Rutter's larger political affilia- the right and build and fight for a vision of the
discharged. tion with the Young America's Foundation future capable of positively linking the human
Again, unlike'veterans who face high (YAF).xi YAF is an organization which brings development of all peoples of the world.
levels of unemployment, Rutter was immediate- together elements of the far right and assists in In this endeavor it is possible to follow
ly hired as a military expert by FOX News. the organization and funding of far right groups the lead of another Iraqi veteran and perhaps a
Rutter's overdetermined patriotic bravado fit on university campuses. Rutter is part of the better "epitome of an all American soldier" the
the political profile of FOX perfectly. Equally, militarist wing of this organization with other previously mentioned Corporal Michael
his ability to reduce every military question to notorious far right speakers such as Pat Hoffman. Instead of visiting campuses to
tactics or the allocation of resources instead of Buchanan, Christian Coalition head Richard enhance far-right politics and burying the
examining the politics of occupation, allowed Reed and David Horowitz. aspirations of working people, Hoffman formed
FOX viewers to develop the false sense that the The YAF is currently focused on deliv- the Iraqi Veteran's Against the War.xiii Far
US military somehow controlled the situation in ering speakers to campuses in support of the from aggrandizing war, IVAW is dedicated to
Iraq. Subsequently, the Lt. Colonel who had privatization of social security and drumming "saving lives and ending the violence in 'raq by
been reduced to breaking up a stolen car ring, up support for the failing occupation of Iraq. an immediate withdrawal of all occupying
returned to Iraq. as a high-paid "embedded" Additionally, this organization enables seem- forces." On April 20th the Stony Brook commu-
analyst for Fox News. ingly disparate sections of the far-right, for nity can advance IVAW's call by building a
His post at FOX provided Rutter with the instance Christian fundamentalists such as mass demonstration against the future Scott
perfect forum to begin to reap the political ben- Reed and xenophobic protectionists such as Rutter, George Bush and the Stony Brook
efits of posing as the authentic voice of the US Buchanan, to cooperate with one another in a Republicans are prepared to create for all of us.
soldier in Iraq. He cultivated this role prima-
rily by his tactically shrewd and very public
championing of the campaign for Sgt. Paul Smith
to receive the medal honor. Smith was a combat
engineer who was killed when his unit of 16 sol-
diers attacked a group of 100 retreating Iraqi
soldiers. Why would these soldiers attempt
such a seemingly suicidal maneuver?
Rutter explains that the platoon
received orders to act in a defensive manner but
Rutter concluded that "the best defense is an
offense." Smith, he claimed was a real hero, "...a
guy jumping from vehicles on fire, throwing
hand grenades," [whose] "...last words were 'do
not let the ammunition run out."' (MEF) More
importantly, Smith's life and death is yet anoth-
er of the "...good news stories out there" that the
liberal anti-war media refuses to cover.ix
People like Smith, Rutter argues, are
part of a new generation of American soldiers
and youth who were united by the attack on the

Page 12
 SSeal Hunting in Can ida
By Tiffany Russo
The seal-hunting season began this year seals could result in an increased population of
on March 29 with aspirations to murder squid, aid then the cod population would be in
319,500 baby seals, and probably more since an even more devastating state then it was with
last year the Canadian government allowed close the seals.
to 16,000 more seals than the quota. While And, by the way, when I say "murder," I
Canadian fishermen involved this bloody indus- most definitely mean cruelly! Baby seals are
try claim that seal killing practices are humane, most commonly killed by clubbing, either with
whereas many animal rights activists state oth- a traditional wooden club or an ice pick-like
erwise. tool called a hakapik, or with guns. So, if the
When harp seals are born they are baby seal isn't being brutally beaten to death, it
nursed by their mother's milk until they are is being shot at, and unless your Annie Oakley,
covered in fluffy, white fur, after this time, shooting a small animal on a moving boat does
about twelve days, the mothers must leave the not result in a perfect hit and instant death, but
pups on their own in order to mate. During this pain and suffering.
time the baby seals remain still and survive Many seals that are not killed by the
solely on their blubber. After a few more days first shot may also be left to die, whimpering,
the seals undergo yet another transformation, squirming., and just helplessly wasting away
from their cute white baby fur to a sleek, black- because most furriers deduct money for each
spotted pelt. This is the Very pelt they will be bullet shot through-the baby's fur. Therefore it
clubbed or shot to death for, usually when the is not economically worth it when Mr.
pups are between 12 days and 12 weeks of age. Lovesbloodybabyseals shoots and misses his
The Canadian fishermen claim that the target 3 times, and so he chooses just to move on
killing of the innocent, defenseless infant seals to the next cute baby animal who is trying to
helps to protect their depleting fish stocks, but wiggle his way around the dead and wounded
the Humane Society of the United States, along bodies, and the slippery red liquid streaming
with other marine scientists, declares that see is that animals and, even us ignorant, dumb along the sparkling, white ice. There is no rea-
there is no scientific evidence that the removal humans, are a part of a larger cycle, an ecosys- son for this massacre, for there certainly must
of harp seals will produce any increases in fish tem with, lets say "checks and balances", except be other conservation methods to reconcile this
populations. This issue was addressed by the that in nature they actually work. For example, conflict between fisherman, and baby seal.
Department of Fisheries and Oceans who, in harp seals doeat cod, but they also eat many Otherwise, what good are we humans, when
1994 when the seals were again being blamed other marine organisms, including some other instead of using our fully developed brains; we
for declining cod stocks, stated "the collapse of predators of the codfish. So, since harp seals decide to kill other species because it's most
northern cod can be attributed solely to overex- eat squid, which eat cod, then removing the convenient for us.
ploitation by humans." What most people fail to

End of an IEra
By Natalie Schultz
Saturday, April 2, 2005 changing its ways to accommodate modern soci- beyond just the Catholic faithful. He fought
At 2:37PM New York time, 9:37PM in ety. In the 1960's the Catholic Church under- against Communism, he spoke out against the
Italy, Pope John Paul II passed away. This was went the reforms of Vatican II so that the lay war in Iraq. He was the first Pope to visit Israel;
not a surprise; the media had been consistently people would not stray and so that it would be to pray in a synagogue and enter a mosque. He
reporting on his life, awaiting his death, for the more appealing to converts. The Orthodox reached out to the Third World and appointed
past two days. In fact, media coverage turned Church has not changed its ways to attract more Cardinals from remote areas of the world.
from consistent coverage over thirteen days followers. He was a man who encompassed all with
waiting for Terri Schiavo to die. As soon as she Everything else in our society has an open hand. Under his leadership the
left this earth, the Pope took his final turn for evolved to accommodate modernity; I believe Catholic Church has become a key player in
the worst. For over two weeks straight the that religion is tradition, a sort of escape from world politics. To be honest, this is a scary
media focused intently on the impending deaths the real, chaotic world. Why should the church thought. The American flag is flying through-
of two people; both happened to be Catholic. modernize to accommodate the people? The out our country at half-staff in respect. This is
Was this a sign? I don't know. But I must admit truly faithful should be willing to return to tra- fine. What scares me most is what will happen
that it is rather eerie. dition one day a week. next. Who will be the next Pope? Will the
How do I feel personally about the Pope's The Catholic half of me happens to be Catholic Church continue to influence world
passing? I must admit that I don't know. I was Polish. Pope John Paul II was Polish. He was the politics from behind the scenes? In an increas-
raised half Catholic and half Eastern Orthodox. first Slavic Pope, the first non-Italian Pope in vlxy I
ilngl A I I x I,,,,1 A
Personally, after rebelling against thirteen over 450 years. In 2003 I went to Poland. There have
years of Catholic religious classes and the I witnessed churches full of parishioners every ful
accompanying ceremonies culminating in single day-children, teenagers, young adults guid
Confirmation, I spent my teenage years as an and the elderly. Some people went in for just a unde
avowed Atheist. Now, no longer forced to go to few minutes to pray and then left. When travel- of p(
church, I have slowly become less antagonistic ing through the Polish countryside I noticed to ui
toward Christianity. that every single cemetery was covered in a sion
Catholicism is really not for me. I much blanket of flowers. I found out that the Poles quer
prefer and relate to the more traditional Eastern visit their loved ones every day and place fresh lead
Orthodox Church. Orthodox Christians do not flowers on their graves. I was shocked and than
acknowledge the Pope. We split from the impressed; I finally understood that my Polish
Catholic Church in 1054, the over-wielding grandparents going'to mass many times a week
power of the Pope being the reason. The Pope is was not that unusual.
considered the human representation of God For many people today, especially those
here on earth; Orthodox Christians believe that of my generation, Pope John Paul II is the only
no human can represent God, that only God is Pope we have ever known. Many people alive
God and no single human should have that much today do not know what life was like pre-
power over other humans. Vatican II. We have grown up in a fast-moving,
Today the Pope does not have nearly as modern world of globalization. Pope John Paul
much power over society as he did back in the II epitomized this new world. He was conserva-
Middle Ages. So why do I relate more with the tive on issues such as marriage, divorce and
Orthodox Church? I suppose it is because it abortion, understandable for any Catholic
hasn't changed much at all since 1054. The priest. More importantly, Pope John Paul II was
Orthodox Church is traditional; it has not suc- the most liberal world-traveling Pope who has
cumbed to the desire to compel the faithful by ever lived. He reached out beyond the Vatican,
 i
Bloomberg
·-
and the New
I
York ets ontinued...
By Steve Deaner
annual tax revenue for the city, in the form of and the area is a ghost town anytime there isn't
Jets games, conventions, concerts and, of course, a sporting event, concert or convention going on.
than later, and stand out front and stop passers the 2012 Olympics. I hate to be the bearer of No one came to the area to shop, because you can
'by, and the homeless people living in the deso- bad news for our beloved mayor, but the 2012 shop anywhere in the city. Now, the area is an
late area it is going to create, and be able to say Olympics are not coming here. The problem attraction for the seedy underbelly of the city.
to them that he is responsible for this great cre- with the Olympics is that Bloomy can't buy it. No one around means no one to see the crimes
ation. This stadium, in the mayor's mind, is The Olympics have an International Olympic they are committing. On your walk you pass by
equivalent to the Coliseum in Rome. He believes Committee that votes on where future Olympics the area where Mrs. Smith used to live. Her
it will bring prestige to the city and, more are to be held. The key word here is interna- apartment building wasn't one of the lucky
importantly, prestige to him. He doesn't want tional. I am pretty sure that we are not very ones, and was torn down. Her apartment was
this stadium because it will bring in more well liked internationally because of our for- bought out for a fraction of the price it really
money to the city or because it will be good for eign policy. Right now we are fighting an cost, and she was forced to live on the street and
the people of New .York, he wants to build it so unpopular war in Iraq. Members of the Olympic become a prostitute because she couldn't sup-
that he will be remembered as more than the committee will not vote for a United States port her family. As you look toward where the
mayor who followed Rudy Giuliani and had to Olympics for that very reason. So, a big chunk waterfront once was, you no longer see the tran-
buy his way into Gracie mansion. There is no of that 72.5 million a year, annually, is just fan- quil beauty of the water. All you see now is big
doubt that the man is an egomaniac who will put tasy. The rest of that number is also fantasy white box that serves as the home of the New
himself first and the people of New York City because there really is no way of telling how York Jets. Depressed by the sight of this mon-
last. There is no other conclusion to draw when. much money a stadium will generate. There is strous box, you quickly pull a gun out of your
you look at the facts behind the financing of this no way to tell how many rock concerts or con- pocket and blow your brains out, the memory of
stadium and the economic, environmental and ventions the project will attract. Judging by the what your home used to look like lingering in
social impact it will have on the people of Hell's fact that the Jets are the ones telling you that it your head until the last instance.
Kitchen and the city as a whole. will- generate 72.5 million dollars, the number The preceding story may be a little bit of
First off, economically, this stadium of events predicted is probably a grand over- an over exaggeration, but it gets to the heart of
makes absolutely no sense. This stadium is statement. No other stadium in the country has the issue of whether to build the stadium. By
going to cost 1.4 billion dollars to construct. No ever even come close to generating this amount building this stadium on the west side rail
other stadium in the United States has ever sur- of revenue. Most other stadiums have a lot bet- yard, you are destroying the community that
passed the billion dollar mark. In fact, when ter team then the Jets playing in them, too. lives there now. A countless number of people
4-... . . . ... . . + •n .. . . ... ....
* 1 .. 1 .+ win
ue iorce L 0 LC ne L1C~ y)'
twO new s ita iums w Ce ouiiL 111i will De olrcea out Ui te nuomes
Liey vt
Philadelphia, it cost under 1 billion dol- lived in for years to accommodate this sta-
lars combined. But it's not the price of the dium. Generations of people who have
stadium that bothers me that much. I interacted with and lived next to each
wouldn't care if the stadium cost 50 billion other will be forced to disperse throughout
dollars to construct, as long as billionaire the city. The problem with the developers
Woody put in all his own money to build it. of this world is that they forget that a com-
My major problem is that this. billionaire is munity is organic. It has tendencies that
asking the people of New York to put in 600 have been built up through years of inter-
million dollars into the stacium in the form action. It has its own cultural identity,
of taxation. The Jets are saying they will because of the interactions of people
put in the other 800 million. The problem throughout the years. You can not just cre-
with these billionaires is that they are a ate a community identity by putting up
little fuzzy on their math. I guess that's new residential areas. It takes time for a
what happens when you pay people to do the community awareness to come to be. It has
math for you. In reality, the Jets have only taken a lot of time for the people of Hell's
committed 250 million dollars in guaran- Kitchen to develop their identity. The very
teed money. The other $450 million essence of who these people are, and their
(another $100 million will be paid by the self identity, is tied into their community.
NFL) is being committed to the project by By forcing them to move out, and changing
outside developers who will use space sur- the dynamics of the community, you are
rounding the stadium to build residential killing the social identity of the people
areas and restaurants. This $450 million who live there. You are stripping these
will only be committed to the project if the people of their identity by putting a stadi-
west side property is rezoned to accommo- um there. The thing that makes cities great
date residential buildings. This rezoning in this world is the fact that there is no
plan has lots ot opposition, and it will be other type or community organization
hard to get this rezoning done. Once you swallow the hard economic where you can have cultural interaction on such
So, in reality the Jets and their rich reality of this proposed stadium, you must then a large scale. In building the West Side Stadium
owner are putting in 250 million dollars, while think of the people who live on the west side of and the surrounding residlential areas, you are
the taxpayers of New York are asked to put in Manhattan, and the people of Hell's Kitchen, and destroying the natural cultural interaction that
600 million dollars for a retractable roof and a how this monstrosity of a stadium will affect happens in Hell's Kitchen everyday, and replac-
platform over the rail yards. This is absolute- them. Let's put aside the fact that the mayor is ing it with an artificial setting, one that will
ly. unbelievable. It is even more unbelievable asking these people to pay for a stadium that strip the area of its cultural uniqueness.
when you think of all the other ways this pub- they don't want and just deal with the effect on Many people reading this may ask where
lic money could be spent to better the city. Last the sociology of the area. Imagine that you lived this stadium should be built, if not'the west
time I checked, the NYPD hadn't gotten a raise there right now. As you walk outside of your side of Manhattan. For these people I have a
in a long time, and fire houses were being closed apartment, you are just a quick walk away from solution that will cost the taxpayer nothing and
all over the city. Last time I checked, most kids the waterfront. On your way there, you pass not interrupt any long standing community on a
in city public schools were reading about the your old friend Mrs. Smith, who has lived in the grand scale. My solution would be to put the
civil war from text books made in the 1800's, area for fifty years. You wave to her as you pass, stadium in Queens, where Shea Stadium now
and were learning in classrooms where students- and are filled with the happiness that only exists. The New York Mets baseball team is also
have to sit on top of each other because of over- comes from seeing an old friend. You finally get looking to build a new stadium of their own. I
crowding, and had to watch out for the roof col- to the waterfront, and are immediately filled propose that the Jets and Mets get together and
lapsing on them while they were learning. I with joy. Going to the water is one of the great build a dual baseball and football stadium. The
know that I would rather have our 600 million pleasures in your life. It's an escape from the two teams can split the cost, meaning that the
dollars go to fixing major problems that afflict hectic city life you live. taxpayers would have to pay nothing, and they
the city, instead of building some rich billion- Now, imagine you live on the west side could build on an area of the city already set
aire a football stadium he could build on his and the stadium has been built. Your apartment aside for a sports stadium. I feel this is a good
own. building is one of the few apartments that compromise for the people of the city and the
The Jets and the mayor argue that the weren't torn down by the city. As you open the New York Jets. The over running of open space
taxpayers should pay for a lot of the stadium's door, you must first walk over the homeless man by developers who want to build huge skyscrap-
costs because of the amount of money it will sleeping on your steps. Since the stadium has ers on every area of land in the world must be
generate, approximately 72.5 million dollars in been built, all of the local residents are gone stopped, and I for one am taking my stand here.

Page 14
 The PATRIOT Act.. New Pope
Revisited Chosen
By David K. Ginn By Dustin Herlich
"Anyone who would sacrifice freedom for peace My guess is they probably even skip that step, Cardinal Ratzinger of Germany has now
deserves neither." - Benjamin Franklin too. been selected as the new Pope. Cardinal
2) Force the police to turn over wiretaps Ratzinger, from here ,on in known as Pope
The Patriot Act, the bill that allows the and other local investigation information to said Benedict XVI, has called himself a "Simple, hum-
federal government virtually unlimited access agencies without any kind of warrant. ble worker in God's vineyard." Joseph Ratzinger,
to your personal life and information, is up for 3) Allow said agencies to monitor now 78, was born in Bavaria in 1927 to a tradi-
review, and hopefully expiration shortly after- library activities, such ,as book borrowing and tional family. Ratzinger attended seminary, but
ward. The act was introduced a month after the computer usage. The best part about this one is was interrupted in his studies to serve in the
Steptember 11 terrorist attacks, when President the librarians are required not to tell their Nazi army as an anti-aircraft gunner in Munich.
George W. Bush decided that the United States patrons about this when it happens. Now that's It is this experience in the Nazi army
should both accuse every person with a beard freedom. that much of the criticism of him stems from.
and a turban of mass murder and invade the pri- Well, there is good news here. The good Supporters claim that his experiences as a Nazi
vate lives of its own citizens, in order to help news is that all three of these provisions are set led him to stand'up for truth-and justice. Critics
stop terrorism. to expire on December 31, 2005. If our govern- refer to this, simply, as insanity. The Catholic
ment has improved at all since 2001, it will vote Church during WWII turned a decisive blind eye
the bill down for renewal. We hope so. to the horrors of WWII, and turned down many
My real question is about Section 215 opportunities to save persecuted people in Italy
(the "library act"). I wonder how many terror- during the war.
ists would go into a library to take out books on According to Wolfgang Cooper, who is a
terrorism. I mean, you can't be a very good ter- commentator on religious affairs in Germany, the
rorist if you have to do that. How about a book Cardinal could become a divisive figure in the
on building bombs? I'll tell you, the first place
I'll go when I want to build a bomb is the public
library. Fucking moronic.
I think the real problem isn't that
there's a flow of information about bomb-build-
ing, but rather that there's a flow of people who
want to blow other people up.
Security doesn't solve the problems it
wants to solve, in my opinion. There's a theory
called "The Red Queen Theory" that describes
this type of movement. The Red Queen Theory
states "run, run, as fast as you can, just to stay
where you are." This means that security does-
n't stop terrorists; instead, security just makes
The first of these actions caused every better terrorists. Likewise, better terrorists
singe person in the Middle East to say "fuck make better security, and the two will go on and
you, America, and now you're not getting any on and on and on, forever. This is the inevitable
fucking oil." The second action caused every evolution of national security in our nation, and
person in America to say "fuck you, America. 'it's good to know there's at least a hint of some-
Um...fuck you." thing other than fascism when the government
Well, now we have high gas prices, a war decided that bills like the Patriot Act should
that will never end and a beautiful Little Patriot expire. Let's just hope it stays expired. No one
Act to go with it. Here's what the Patriot Act really wants that shit. church. "I think if Cardinal Ratzinger was Pope,
can do for you: Well, maybe some people do, and those a large distance could grow between the leader-
1) Allow government agencies like the people should be searched and subject to the ship of the Church and the faith." It is no secret
Central Intelligence Agency and the Department provisions act. Well, maybe not. That's not even that Ratzinger is a hard-line conservative,
of Homeland Security to monitor internet activ- fair, because there are some things about people unapologetic and unyielding. Where John Paul
ities by ordinary people and investigate them, that other people have...the act is stupid and II was regarded as progressive and forward
as long as they have permission from the server. should be whacked. The end. thinking, Ratzinger is regarded as arcane.
Ratzinger has been a head of the
Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which
Hispanic Literature Symposium is a group in the Vatican that has been the
guardian of orthodoxy, since 1981. According to
Mary Grant of the US Survivors Network of Those
By Lena Tumasyan Abused by Priests, "Ratzinger is a polarizing
On Saturday, April 9th, the Department "Gender and Violence," "Constructing and figure to many, who seems to prefer combative-
of Hispanic Languages & Literature held its Deconstructing the Nation," "Violence and ness to compromise and compassion. Still, we
annual symposium. The topic discussed this Intellectual Figures," there were eight panels wish him well."
semester, entirely in Spanish, was "Arms and in total. Catholics in this country have become
Letters: Old and New Violences in Hispanic The final lecture took place in the much increasingly disillusioned by the lack of atten-
Literature." larger lecture hall on the 4th floor, which was tion the Vatican has given the abuse issue, and
The keynote speaker invited was Jean almost entirely filled (about 100 seats) with hopefully this Pope will address this matter in a
Franco, who held a lecture on the topic of "The graduate students, professors, and guests. It satisfactory manner. Pope Benedict XV was pope
Violence of Language.' Franco is a famous pro- was an exciting and educational program for all during WWI. We can only hope that the new Pope
fessor, essayist and literary critic born in whom attended, especially at the end during the Benedict will be remembered in years to come as
1924, and graduated from the University of question and answer session with numerously- a Pope who reigned in a time of peace.
Manchester with a BA and later an MA. She awarded Franco. German Chancellor Gerhard Schroder
focuses on the fields of literature, women's The Department of Hispanic Languages said that Ratzinger's appointment is a great
studies, and cultural studies, particularly & Literature, is part of the College of Arts and honor for all Germans. Clearly this Pope has his
nationalism and post-nationalism as they relate Science (http://ws.cc.stonybrook.edu/hispan- supporters and his opponents, but so has every
to Latin American cultural production. ic/index.html). Its programs list a major (SPN), Pope. Only time will tell how this Pope per-
The event assembled at the Charles B. minor, M.A. and PhD programs. The symposium forms. The Catholics of the world have high
Wang Center at 9am and lasted through Franco's was also co-sponsored by the Humanities hopes, and high expectations. Hopefully he will
lecture, which began at 4:30pm. Topics were Institute. live up to expectations and appease critics.
analyzed in approximately one and a half hour This article also appears in the Stony
slots, two at a time, in smaller "panel" rooms Here is the link to the conference info online: Brook Independent.
with moderators. Some of the panels were http://ws. cc.stonybrook. edu/hispanic/Confere
"Representations of the Spanish Civil War," nces/Violence2 005/armasletras.htm
Page 15
 10 States Sue the EPA
By Joan Leong
For years, the public have been warned Mercury is an extremely toxic pollutant awareness of the harmful effects of mercury, the
about the dangers of mercury emissions in our Food and drug Administration (FDA )and EPA
that is released into the air when coal is burned.
water, yet it was largely ignored. Last year, The mercury is returned back to the earth has only stressed to the public the dangers of
briefly after Satan became president again, the through rainwater and it runs through our consuming fish in these water and drinking
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) sneak- lakes, rivers and streams. The fish in these from these waters. These warnings in compari-
ily rewrote the Clean Air Act to favor large waters become contaminated and the people who son to actual action are completely unaccept-
power plants over the health and safety of its able.
citizens. It allows for the power plants, which According to the New Jersey attorney
are the greatest contributors to mercury pro- general, he believes that if the federal govern-
duction, to release three times the amount of ment employ stricter standards for mercury
pollution previously allotted. pollution and used the latest technology, it
The revised standards also include a "cap and would cut the toxins back by 90 percent. The
trade" plan which means that the plants are able dangers of mercury extend beyond dangers to
to buy or trade pollution credits from other neurological development of babies; it is also
plants. Each credit waives away the plant's perilous to wildlife. Fish that eat the other mer-
responsibility to maintain a certain percentage cury infested fish become toxic to other animals
of mercury released by increasing that amount who consume these fish as part of their diet.
simply by purchasing credits that give them The waters are no longer safe and if the
more leeway to pollute. That is such a bullshit fish die, the ecosystems are thrown off balance
loophole that further proves the EPA is a big and it will result in an inhabitable body of
joke now. They certainly do not protect anything water. Everyone is familiar with the cycle of life
anymore and they are a tool in destroying the and how every living thing participates in help-
environment. ing to maintain a healthy environment. Mercury
Finally, the states are speaking up and will have a large effect on environment if the
protecting the people like they should. Ten federal government continues to pretend like it
states have banded together to sue the EPA for is not a problem. The dangers have been proven
not adequately protecting children and expec- in newborn infants and 60,000 each year-a-re-at
tant mothers from the hazardous effects of mer- risk.
cury. Wisconsin is the most recent addition in This is an extremely serious problem
the fight against the federal government's regu- and it is preposterous that the federal govern-
lations of mercury. New Jersey is leading the ment continues to overlook it like it does not
campaign and has full support from California, exist. Some people do not think twice about the
Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New eat these fish put themselves in serious expo- environment at all, and like Bush, they believe
Hampshire, New Mexico, New York and Vermont. sure to mercury. Children and expectant moth- that global warming does not exist, but this
Governor Jim Doyle of Wisconsin criticizes ers are the ones at highest risk and will suffer directly affects everyone and it is time to take
Bush for "cowing to big businesses" and allow- the most harm. Exposure to toxic mercury caus- action. Hopefully, in the light of this developing
ing 19 states to increase their mercury produc- es serious damage to fetal development and lawsuit, changes will take place before anymore
tion by setting standards that are higher than affects the brain and nervous system progress. wildlife or children are tragically impaired as
the recent levels. The EPA released a statement When infants and young children are exposed to a result of an easily preventable problem.
saying, "is confident in the legal foundation of mercury toxins it can be extremely dangerous
the rule-making and plans to vigorously defend and will cause delay and impairment to walking, Take Action! www.nomercury.org
the rule."
- Blis-fgoa
talking and fine motor skills. Since the rising

The
The Bliss of Ignorar ice
vs. the Burden of Knowledge By Andy Kallio
The other night I went to the debate and her survival of a Nazi concentration camp. I agree that the belief in God has no scientific
about whether or not God exists. I want to share He said that nothing good came from the experi- basis and that the answers we are searching for
how I feel after having thought about it a little. ence, and that if there was a god who wanted to will most likely be found with science rather
I am an atheist, always have been and always teach his mother discipline he could have put than God. However, I say fuck rationale, reason
will be. I believe that there is a scientific her through a boot camp instead. This comment and science. These three things are why doctors
explanation for everything and is an insult to his mother and have my mother convinced that she has to take
that God was created out of Jewish people. It indicates a eight pills a cay to prevent nersel irom corn-
man's, impatience to figure man who has no appreciation mitting suicide. It is the by products of science
everything out before he was for life. How could you possi- that have given my father cancer. It is science
able to. My reaction to the bly say that nothing good could that has alienated me from myself and the peo-
debate is quite the contrary to come from surviving a concen- pie around me. It is science that kills millions
what you would expect, in light tration camp? I would be so of people everyday and only cures thousands. I
of what I have just written. I proud of my mother if she had. don't care how or why this place was created.
found myself pulling for the I'm not saying that he and his The answers to those questions have no rele-
theist. I'm not sure if this was mother should be grateful to vance to the life I live. The only thing I can do
because of a susceptibility for Hitler. Nevertheless, there has is observe the situation I am in and react to it.
pulling for the underdog that to be several positive returns And react in a manner that will make my and my
was developed, from watching from such an accomplishment, neighbors time in consciousness as pleasant as
movies like Rockyand Rudy, or His mother has a perspective possible. Rationality, reason and science make
some kind of subconscious completely different from our time unpleasant. It makes people blind to
belief in the American Dream most people. She has a differ- the wisdom that can be gained from a concentra-
that forced me to pull for the ent perspective on man's true tion camp survivor. It makes horror movies not
little guy. Nevertheless, I nature. This truth is what as fun for me as they are for someone who actu-
fe .
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Ll
alP f
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atheists and theists are both ally believes in ghosts. It has pretty much
ner. looking for. The search for fucked everything, yet I must admit that it is
When I watched the theist I saw a hum- truth is what atheism and theism are. They are the only road to truth. Therefore I have to ask
ble man who was there for love. The atheist, on searchers who looking in opposite directions. myself what is better: the bliss of ignorance or
the other hand, was a man on a mission. It I agreed with pretty much every other the burden of knowledge.
seemed as if he was being paid for what he was argument that the.atheist made. He used the
doing. The thing that was most disturbing about arguments of reason and science. I agree that it
the atheist was his comment about his mother is irrational and unreasonable to believe in God.

Page 16
 he New Europe Comes to Stony Brcok
By Dustin Herlich
On April 14th through the 16th, Stony ing, though, is that as it was said on the April penalty. The European governments are also
Brook University played home to a conference 15th 2005 special edition of In Focus, when you many years ahead of our own in their separation
entitled "The New Europe." The conference was have a panel of five European leaders, you will of church aid state. We are reverting back to a
presented by Stony Brook University get five different answers about the EU, and religious monarchy while Europe is actually
Department of European Languages, Center for. about how big it should get. moving on and moving ahead. Europeans do like
Italian Studies, Center for Global History, and the US, and do like Americans, they said so on
the Department of History. As the web site for In Focus, but they think we're a little silly
the conference says: sometimes.
"Diplomats and researchers from In many other places in the world you
different disciplines will discuss the are starting to see collectives similar to the EU.
creation and evolution of the European South America is trying something, and many
Union and the challenges it will face as nations in Africa are interested in a more com-
it moves forward in creating its consti- munal government. The United States, one could
tution and strengthening its cohesion. argue, is- already what the EU is becoming, but
It is extremely important to know what there is more of a federalist mentality in the EU.
is the European position on immigra- There is more power to central governments.
tion, migration, globalization, nation- Right now there really is not much in the way of
alism, minor languages, NATO, etc. military authority, but none the less the EU
Will EU be able to deliver on all that is government does matter to the people of the
expected of it? This conference will One of the greater experiences that came European Union. Europe is not a big place, and
address and inform us of the history, out of this conference was the special edition of the borders are shrinking. The US is a big place
culture, politics, and .economics that In Focus. On this edition we had the good for- that keeps getting bigger. We have states that
stretch across the Atlantic and are tune of having a panel of dignitaries and aca- ban gay marriage, and states that welcome it.
important to the well-being and securi- demics in the radio studio, and we got to hear We have states like Texas that make a hobby out
ty of both the United States and some personal views on the European Union and of the death penalty and states that have ended
Europe." what it really means for the world. We were the death penalty.
The mission of the conference was to able to highlight some of the issues that have The European Union is a collective of
create dialog, and sow a seed of communication plagued the ever-widening gap between Europe nations that is working towards peace, prosper-
between the EU and outside nations. There were and the US (and I don't mean the transatlantic ity and good relations not just within their bor-
also questions raised about the prospects of: rift zone). Europe now in many ways is ahead of ders, but with nations and collectives all around
other nations joining the EU, specifically the US. Socially, politically, and now even eco- the globe. The United States should take some
Russia. Other former eastern block states such nomically. Yes, the US still has a larger GDP notes when it comes to Europe and its activities.
as the Ukraine are in the process of joining the and GNP, but the Euro is stronger than the Here in the US we have largely forgotten about
EU as we speak. This all brings us to the ques- Dollar, employment rates are higher and the Europe in favor of Terry Schiavo, the war on ter-
tion "How big is Europe really?" Ask a cartog- people are happier in general. ror and SUV rollover accidents. One of the
rapher and he'll tell you that it ends promptly Europe is also ahead of the curve on greatest things about this conference is that it
at the Ural Mountains. Ask someone at this con- issues such as true democracy and the death brings our relations with Europe into the fore-
vention, and you'll most certainly be getting a penalty. To be considered for membership you front and forces us to look at the big picture.
very different answer. What is most interest- have to be a democracy, and can't have the death

Taxation isExtort ion By Marcel Votlucka

I sometimes wonder which is worse: the Why is it acceptable for some people to force their employees' paychecks and sending it off to
government, or the Mafia. Oh wait; they may as you and me-under pain of death-to subsidize the Treasury. This was called the "withholding
well be the same thing. their fat salaries and their generous handouts to tax," but a more fitting term would be gariish-
If you're wondering how the logic of this corporate welfare queens and their bloody wars ing the workers' wages. This is the system that
admittedly brash remark works itself out, try abroad? exists to this day.
the following. It's simple; just publicly refuse SArtnillv my nnpnino sunacr-etinn RP.' n.ce tay.es are withheld from our

to pay your taxes. The government will come for by someone else (our
you and the police will try to throw you in jail. nent, we don't really see
If you resist, you will be shot. Pay up, or get a a visceral way. Instead
bullet in your head. It's essentially the same sum of thousands each
tactic employed by Mafia thugs. I a paycheck with "Gross
After a long week's labor, you get the d gripe over the differ-
dubious pleasure of having warmongering ; return form and maybe,
politicians get 30 to 40 percent of your money ind. Someone withholds
our of your paycheck. And it is indeed your ou but all you ever real-
money, not theirs. They didn't earn it. They lerical difference. You
didn't slave away for it. They don't own it. They :tual money as you shell
have no right to demand it from you. And they the warmongers and fat
certainly have no right to take it form you by The end result of this is
force. Taxation is essentially extortion. iat you never really feel
There's a reason why everybody hates the the full impact of taxa-
IRS. There's a reason why Republicans win elec- tion. Out of sight, out
tions by pledging to lower taxes-even though of mind.
they never do it once elected. There's a reason Surely if you
why, in olden times, tax collectors took their had to mail a check for
place among the most hated and reviled profes- e thousand bucks to the
sions. If some thief burglarized your home, y every year instead of
you'd be outraged over the loss of your proper- your employer withhold
ty. You'd likely be even more outraged if the rest. you would be pret-
thief had accomplices holding you at gunpoint War II, people paid their taxes to the govern- ty pissed off. You'd shed a tear or two as you
while stealing your stuff. ment in one lump sum every March. But between wrote out that check and stuffed it in the mail-
So why is it okay for the government to the war expenses and the New Deal programs, box and watched all that cash go down the drain.
garnish your wages under the unseen yet the government was racking up quite a huge bill. And that contributes to us believing in the
implicit threat of punishment if you fail to com- Knowing full well that most people wouldn't be legitimacy of taxation. Out of sight, out of
ply? Why does the IRS get to keep extensive happy having to pay higher taxes, they came up mind...and therefore acceptable.
records on your personal financial matters, with the ingenious solution of having employers
with little to no accountability on their part? withhold the appropriate amount of money from
 Can Someone PLEASE (jet
Tom Delay His Meds??
By Sam Goldman
A brief rundown of Tom DeLay's reign as rule that would force House leaders to step down another seedy attempt by the liberal media to
House Majority Leader since 2004 (thanks to if indicted; the new rules will allow a commit- embarrass me."
Wikipedia): tee to review any indictment to determine if it But here's my favorite: On March 18,
is politically motivated before asking anyone to during the Terri Schiavo nonsense, DeLay
September 30, 2004 - Ethics committee finds step down. However, after loud protests from the addressed the Family Research Council in
that DeLay violated House rules in 2003 in his public, including Republicans, DeLay and the Washingotn. Incredibly, DeLay drew parallels
efforts to pass a health care bill. Apparently, Republicans back off. between himself and a woman who was in a per-
DeLay made an offer to Representative Nick manent vegetative state!
Smith (then R-Michigan), who was retiring, that March 10, 2005 - news reports state that a del- "...it's bigger than any one of us, and we
DeLay would endorse Smith's son for his seat if egation of Republican House members, includ- have to do everything that is in our power to
Smith would vote in favor of the bill. ing DeLay, accepted an expenses-paid trip to save Terri Schiavo and anybody else that may be
South Korea in 2001 from a registered foreign in this kind of position...This is exactly the
October 6, 2004 - Ethics committee admonishes agent, despite House rules that bar accepting kind of issue that's going on in America, that
DeLay for a second time, this time for violations travel expenses from foreign agents. attacks against the conservative moment,
stemming from complaints filed over the sum- against me and against many others...the other
mer by Rep. Chris Bell (D-Texas). Specifically, April 6, 2005 - the New York Times reports that side has figured out how to win and to defeat the
D\aT -ran c PA n\A
id nwiar
the- committee found that DeLay asked the FAA a',-ty
h ,s p e•.vr c;onser va itJi~
ve 1 v m ntI
'L1iL,
V•lL,
eL C1
andL1~
•Uj
to track a small plane that he thought was car- $500,000 to members" of his that is to go after people per-
rying Democratic Texas state legislators, who family, including his wife sonally, charge them with
were fleeing to Oklahoma to prevent a quorum in and only daughter. On the frivolous charges, link up
the state legislature. same date, the Washington with all these do-gooder
The panel also scolds DeLay for appearing at a Post reports that a firm lob- organizations funded by
fundraiser for an energy firm just as Congress bying on behalf of the George Soros, and then get the
was about to hold hearings on major energy leg- Russian government paid for'a national media on their side.
islation. Citing memos from the energy firm trip to Russia by DeLay and That whole syndicate that
stating that they believed $56,000 in donations four of his staff in 1997. At they have going on right now
to DeLay's PAC would get them 'a seat at the the time, Congress was con- is for one purpose and one
table," the committee finds that DeLay violated sidering a number of bills purpose only, and that is to
the rule that lawmakers may not solicit dona- relating to Russia, including destroy the conservative
tions "that may create even the appearance" that a loan package by the IMF to movement."
they will lead to special treatment. help the then-fragile Russian Even throwing out the
However, the committee decides to delay action economy. recent exposes by the Times
on Bell's third charge, which dealt with improp- and The Post, it is a fact that
er fundraising by a DeLay-headed PAC. Bell Now, you'd think that, DeLay has been admonished
charged that the PAC improperly raised funds after this laundry list of mis- three times by the bipartisan
from corporations to channel to local Texas leg- deeds. Tom DeLav would House ethics committee over
islative races. The complaint is still pending remember the old adage that the last year, and three mem-
before the committee. 'tis better to keep quiet and let people think bers of a PAC that he headed are in jail. While I
you're a fool -than to open your mouth and would understand DeLay and the GOP being
September 21, 2004 A Texas grand jury remove all doubt. But, sadly, Mr. DeLay hasn't pissed that the Dems would seize this issue,
indicts three members of the PAC, including its learned that lesson. DeLay seems not to understand that he deserves
executive director, on charges of money laun- No, Mr. DeLay has been loud and outspo- no small amount of blame for, at the very least
dering and accepting illegal campaign contribu- ken in his belief that this is all some sort of (I make no assumption about his guilt or inno-
tions. DeLay and his supporters contend that conspiracy. He's being targeted, he says. It's a cence), making decisions that earn the scrutiny
the whole thing was politically motivated. "mammoth operation" by the Democrats and of the House ethics committee. Instead, DeLay is
Fearing a possible indictment of DeLay, House George Soros to embarrass Republican leader- consistently and loudly pointing the finger at
Republicans attempt to change an early 1990's ship. The New York Times article? It's "just everyone else. For DeLay to claim that liberals
are spending their time and money solely to tar-
get him is delusional. The Democratic Party has
laregly been silent. Moveon.org is more inter-
ested in Social Security. The Nation is paying
more attention over the GOP's attacks on the
federal judiciary and the "nuclear option" of
rewriting House rules to prevent the filibuster
of federal judges (although I will note that, as
House Majority Leader, DeLay is very invlved in
both those issues).
Remember when Bill Clinton was
embroiled in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and
Hilary went on TV and claimed that there was a
"vast right-wing conspiracy" to defame her hus-
band? Do you remember how she got mocked?
How everyone said she was nuts? And now
DeLay is saying almost the exact same thing.
How is this any different? Why shouldn't DeLay
get mocked for saying that everyone is out to get
him?
This from a man who, when told by a fed-
eral employee that he was not not allowed to
smoke on government property, retored, "I am
the federal government." Apparently Chris
Shays doesn't think so. Shays (R-CT) became the
first Republican to call for DeLay to step down
as majority leader, calling him "an absolute,
embarrassment to me and to the Republican
Party." Wonder if DeLay will say his remarks
are also part of a liberal conspiracy. It seems
that everyone nowadays are out to get poor wid-
dle Tom DeLay.
 Leaves
PO
Report eavs Gim How One Per son
-`· · I- I
Outlook for Us All Ruined USG:
I Wasser
Brian
By

The Millennium Ecosystem Assessment our "privileges." A

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EI EIM N W E
View

iWW
Report, the largest review of the planet's "life- But the message is immediate, especially
support" systems, released on March 30, con- for governments. That's where the real problem By Esam Al-Shareffi
cluded that human activities threaten Earth's lies, the problem on the "causal" end of the This is the story of spoiled potential; to
ability to support future generations. This is issue. If this issue were as big as the Pope's explain what I mean by that I will use an analo-
not news, and it comes as no surprise. What is death, in terms of air time, melodrama and table gy...it is as if a once beautiful red rose was nur-
significant about the release is the scope of its talk, the overwhelming message, from the bottom tured and cared for with the best fertilizer was
message. Never before have 1,300 scientists up, would be that policymakers need to act, now. suddenly stomped at vengefully with the boot of
from almost 100 countries joined together to And, of course, the dominant political and eco- a person devoid of conscience, until it lay tat-
make the scientific claim that we can no longer nomic class doesn't like the thought of that. tered, utterly broken.
take for granted that the human race can survive They're also as lazy as we are; where do you It all started out as a rather legitimate
to see the end of the 21st Century. At first, this begin in the face of something this big? This proposal. A student had indicated that various
seems like some kind joke. I've heard we're all may be where the report holds the most pru- religious groups on campus, such as the Catholic
going to die before. Might as well make the most dence. Campus Ministry, the various Protestant groups,
of it. But the report is careful to let us decide Regardless of how this issue is per- as well as the Muslim Student Association, were
that for ourselves. The focus is the more imme- ceived, regardless of the ideology, it is really being unfairly denied funding and access to
diate economic suicide, and courses of action for big news for everyone, and many of us know it. Student Activity Fee funds. The issue coincid-
policymakers. The report validates the fear of an upcoming ed with something similar brought up by the
fresh water shortage, that the crucial resource is Special Services Council (which gives funding to
arid will be water, not oil. More generally, the new groups on campus), wherein its head sought
report points out that, so far, we've successfully advice from the Executive Council of USG on how
been able to mitigate or "get by" with the envi- to proceed. This was a big issue, to say the least,
ronmental damage we have caused. Integrating and it seemed that there was almost immediate
diverse, regional data into a global framework of consensus on the need to redress this injustice.
this scale has given insight into our success thus The only question was the wording of a bill or
far_namely, that it is fleeting. Nearly half of the rule change and the timing of the process, the
ecosystems vital to the life of the planet are issues were left to a special committee, headed
severely degraded, and half a dozen major "tip- by Irfan Syed and involving many USG officials,
ping points" could suddenly and immediately to arrange for the actual wording for such a
undermine global and societal stability, in ways change. It seemed at first to be the first time in
the extent of which neither have we ever before my experience that USG rapidly and clearly set
seen, nor would we be likely to continue to rem- out for a specific change and was actually going
edy. Our luck is bound to run out. And even if to follow through, a remarkable achievement in
The report points out that humans have we can continue to get by, it's going to be the the making!
changed ecosystems so rapidly and extensively poorest people of the world who will suffer more Unfortunately, things. did not turn out
in the last 50 years that the damage is beyond and more. Talk of global economic stability and that way. Mr. Syed's leadership was tainted
irreversible. What's more, for us in our own justice will become increasingly abstract and almost from the first step by arrogance, intimi-
daily lives, this damage equates to almost cer- pointless. And it's true, the correlation between dation, and corruption. Instead of following the
tain economic suicide. As this damage contin- existing wealth and an immunity (i.e., blind- remit of his committee, namely to create a for-
ues, we will continue to see accelerating deteri- ness) to the Earth's pressing problems is direct mal process of funding religious groups, he was
oration of the natural processes and species that and irrefutable. immediately negotiating how much funding each
purify water and air, prevent natural and bio- group should get. When the committee agreed in
logical disasters and offer potential for medi- principle to various ideas, it left the actual
cines for current and future diseases and bio- writing of the bill to Mr. -Syed and Ruistum
logical threats. The quality of life that ecosys- Nyquist, the head of the Special Setvices
tems provide, directly and indirectly, will con- Council at the time.
tinue to decrease for us and all other species. Here Irfan's true colors became even
Dead zones will develop, as well as sudden, mas- clearer. Without consulting with his fellow
sive disease outbreaks. Perhaps most striking, committee member, he presented a completely
the environmental damage we are causing poses different "CORE bill," completely hidden from
an almost insurmountable obstacle for interna- view until minutes before the Senate meeting in
tional efforts to eliminate poverty and inequali- which it was presented. During the Senate ses-
ty. The report's message, therefore, holds added sion in which it was heard, he gave evasive
potency for the governments that have pledged to answers and would make outright lies to the
.eradicate poverty by half in the next decade. assembled gathering, and when the pressure
You would think this would be-bigger news. Isn't from this ,despicable. display reached a thresh-
the elimination of inequality and the preserva- old, he flat out refused to answer questions.
tion. f resources (and not the occupation of an Overall, the report eloquently shows how Anrid why should he? How could anyone expect
unarmed nation) the real way to nip future ter- connected everything is. Deforestation, for someone to answer questions in a straight face
rorism, future conflicts, in the bud? Isn't it example, often leads to less rainfall, which about a lengthy bill, within which was imbedded
important to hear the proof that our societal undermines the forests that still exist, which a clear plan to marginalize the USG and grant
infrastructures, our ways of life, are at risk accelerates changes in regional climate, thereby: him absolute power? Within this bill were
when the environment is, and more immediately undermining both humian. communities and numerous provisions, which would have made it
than we might think? Isn't it relevant for the species that keep systems intact, already possible, if implemented, to give this unelected,
global population to fully understand the extent stressed by a million other factors. The bottom despicable thug the power to allocate student
to which we need to change the course that we've can fall out from under us where and when we funds.
always been on, in order to maintain our health, can't really see it coming. Unfortuinately, the As it happened, the bill was passed in
progress and existence? report doesn't go nearly far enough in advocat- the Senate, not vetoed by the President, became
Part of the problem, once again, is the ing and specifying solutions for both the eco- law, and would still be in effect, had it not been
lack of immediacy of the message for our daily nomic inequality and the ecological devastation. by an injunction from the USG Supreme Court,
lives. For the media outlets, this kind of story But it does point out that solutions are possible, filed by Mr. Nyquist and I, which has frozen
doesn't sell. It should, but it doesn't, and the with significant changes, changes that will that legislation to this day. The damage, howev-
mainstream media knows it. So the problem on result in better standards of living for all. In er, is already done. Most of the USG Senate is
the "perception" end of this issue is really with the meantime, the first thing to do is make our firmly under the "CORE" banner, the USG
a media that exists for profit and theatrics, and policymakers aware that we are aware of this President is either incapable or unwilling to do
not for the sake of a populace that would be edu- grave, self-inherited responsibility. And take anything to stop this, the atmosphere of intimi-
cated and energized enough to demand sufficient shorter showers. dation and despicable governance is now
institutional reform and drastic policy change
from both our leaders, and from those who abuse
 How One Person Ruined USG ontinu ed...
By Esam AI-Shareffi
importance, driven by rhetoric that they must members, accusing them in what can only be
know is false and yet supporting it anyway, described as idiotic paranoia of plotting against
engrained, and the CORE party and its members because they are good peons. In the Senate, him, taking the side of CORE when he should
are favored to win the upcoming student elec- these supporters unashamedly acted as mouth- have stood by the Council he was charged to
tions. So how could all of this have happened? pieces and puppets, forgetting their duty to the lead.
Who is to blame?! student body and favoring their status as slaves.
First and foremost, we must blame the Even the most casual observer cannot help but
leader, Irfan Syed, for unbridled and unsur- balk at how overt this scheme is... as these pawns
passed opportunism, illegal and unethical tac- speak they often look to their master, seeking
tics, and everything from intentional misrepre- reassurance that they are saying what they are
sentation to blackmail and death threats being "supposed to say," and being good little pup-
traced to people connected to him. What is so pies, maybe hoping for one of those little bis-
sad, of course, is that this is not the full extent cuit treats. What drives these people to such
of charges I levy against him. For despite all of acts? Do they truly have nothing better to do at
his evil actions, despite his stomping on the red this University than act in such a passion?
rose I described earlier, despite the fact that he Does the tranquility of servitude outweigh the
has enough support within the Student passion and vigor of independent thinking? I
Government to do anything, he and his cronies will never know how anyone could stoop so low.
have failed in doing anything substantive. All After the tacit supporters comes anoth-
they have achieved is chaos, anarchy, an atmos- er group to blame, namely the USG officials at
phere of gang warfare instead of good gover-: the time who could have stopped this madness,
nance, and they have confirmed that no matter and this is their story. First, I blame USG
how outrageous your ambition, all you need is President Jared Wong. He first seemed to be an
the ability-to sink lower than everyone else to excellent President, passionate about goals set
achieve twisted goals. How he sleeps at night, out in his platform, working for change, and
surrounded by the hatred of society, the hatred supporting common sense policies that benefit
of his own cronies who describe him as author- students. How this all devolved is the story for
itarian and insane, and his own self-loathing another article, one that I will never write
that is apparent to even the most casual observ- because of the respect I still hold for him, but
er, is a mystery, to say the least. his role in this story is too big to be swept
But one person alone cannot achieve under the carpet. Mr. Wong is to blame for not
such spectacular success (or failure, based on doing his job, for a failure to lead. As USG
your perspective). There are so many others President, he is ultimately responsible for
worthy of contempt, to name them all would be everything that goes on in the organization he is
an exercise in futility, but they know who they elected to lead, and good leadership was lacking.
are. Let us describe then in detail how they Specifically, he failed in vetoing the CORE bill,
sold themselves out. which so clearly stated the intent of its author, Mr. Wong is not the only responsible
CORE's supporters are the scum of the Mr. Syed, to take over USG by its provisions. He party here. I too failed in my leadership duties.
earth. Obviously lacking self-esteem, or having failed then to exercise his constitutional duty Instead of treating the villain with the contempt
a desire for chaos and anarchy, or perhaps a lit- to defend the USG Constitution, and when time he deserved, instead of ordering him to shut up
tle of both, they answered Mr. Syed's call like came to write the Supreme Court challenge, he on the floor of the Senate and damn the conse-
moths to a flame, delighted that they could be immediately distanced himself out of fear. He quences, I chose to treat him and his supporters
part of something, for society has shunned them failed once more when in the USG Senate he led with dignity and decency that they were not
in all else. They were drawn to a feeling of the charge against his fellow Executive Council worthy of. As the former Vice President, I
.
............
------- .............
.. .......
--------------
.. ................
.. ..........
........
.... should have stepped up and defended the red
HOURS: rose that I had, with others, worked to build.

Every Day 10AM tn QPM 2I -

LUI- i
A Afl Now I am reduced to the pitiful state of criticiz-
ing the institution whose constitution and by-
Sunday 10AM t( laws I helped write, its symbol I was proud to
wear and now only look at with disdain, and the
wasted opportunity...instead of making some-
thing great we must now fight to limit the dam-
age that the student government is suffering.
What a shame!
The last group that deserves some blame
is the student body. This is never popular, crit-
icizing the reader who has just spent a good

FOURTH WORLD COMICS

33 Route 111, Smthtow, NY 11787
chunk of time reading your poorly written arti-
cle, but truth be told a democracy is only as
strong as its citizens, and will only survive with
their active vigilance and support. Less than
15% of the electorate voted in the last USG elec-
(Hillside Shoppng Center) tions and there are so few candidates for most
posts that students are left with few options,
most of which are bad. Small but well-organized
groups, such as CORE (which by the way stands
for "Council of Righteous Egalitarians"), some-
times using illegitimate or shameful tactics, can
STAR TREK * DR WHO TOYS * STAR WARS- achieve electoral success by running candidates
who are either unopposed, or when opposed, can
SCIENCE FICTION * POSTERS T-HIRTS count on the support of a "core" of voters to shift
the tide and effectively elect reprehensible
individuals, with no agenda other than obstruc-
JAPANIMATIN * VIDEOTAPES. MODEL KITS tion and anarchy, and who can and will use
every reprehensible tactic available to them to
MAGIC: THE iIHERIN
0ý
com, WN
__.
~~~~.
~~~.:........
~~.
~~~..~...:...
~~. · : · -:· ·· : ··;.s.,; achieve success. Students should therefore do

..
.....
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..
..
..
....

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their part, read the platforms of the candidates,

8 .
...
..
.......
..
. ......
...
...
..

.
.. ....
...
.................
.....
... M.W
....
...
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.
...
...
.
..
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.
.
... ...
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K
......
........
.. .......... .....
......
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............................... ·
.......
........
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attend or listen to the debates, and then make an
informed choice at the polls. That is all that a
former official could ask and I hope the next
year brings us the good governance we all
deserve.

Page 20
 ·· · I
Beter Off A Dying 0og
· I By Natalie Schultz
For the record, I will make my own stand feeding tube after all. But at the request of swallow some water on her own; to die in peace,
clear: I am 100% in favor of physician-assisted Michael Schiavo, Judge Greer ruled that if any- not in a drug-induced state.
suicide. If a person is terminally ill and able to one, including her parents, even attempted to Hearing the horrible details of this
clearly state that he or she wants to die, they give her a drink of water, or an ice cube or even woman's treatment brought three things to my
should have the right to do so; for the govern- wipe her mouth with a washcloth, that they mind. First of all it reminded me'of the Salem
ment to prevent someone from taking their own would be arrested! Are you kidding me? A Witch Trials: no fair trial, no hearing of evi-
life is an invasion of privacy, it prevents such a dying dog would at least be allowed the small dence that could prove her innocent (the judge
person from exercising their very right to lib- comfort of a bowl of water; to refuse a dog water refused to allow a cat-scan or swallow test
erty and the pursuit of happiness. As for abor- is a crime. Oh wait, last time I checked, to before the plug was pulled). It also reminded
tion, I feel the same way; no person or govern- refuse a human, or any living being, water is a me of the scene from the film Paradise Road
ment should have the ability to tell another per- crime. when one of the female prisoners in a Japanese
son what he or she can or cannot do to his or her Let us now pretend that this woman was concentration camp was tied up outside for a
own body; it is their own choice. never in a permanent vegetative state; that she week and refused food and water. Ironically, it
Liberals across this country have been was never in need of a feeding tube. Let us pre- also reminds me of crimes committed in other
attacking Congress for over-stepping its juris- tend that her husband is having an affair and parts of the world today that we love to con-
diction by getting involved in the Terri Schiavo has two children with his mistress and that for demn, such as the public stoning of women.
case. I'll be the first to state that I hate big gov- whatever reason he does not want to divorce his Our government has the nerve to head up
ernment; I am a conservative-leaning Anarchist. wife. So instead he ties his wife down to her bed the prosecution of brutal dictators in other
But the fact is, as it is now, we must live and and refuses her food and water until she slowly parts of the world for crimes against humanity,
work within the confines of the government and dies of starvation. What would happen to her yet right here, in our very own country, our gov-
laws as they currently exist. Our founding husband in this case? Well, gee willikers ernment, via the ruling of a state judge, has con-
fathers purposely separated the government Mister Wilson, me thinks he'd be arrested and doned a crime against humanity upon one of our
into three branches - the executive, legislature convicted ofmurder! free citizens.
and judiciary. Our founding fathers were very Now let us pretend that two parents In this case our Congress had every
smart; they knew that the stronger and more decide to lock their children in a closet and right, in fact it was their duty, to do everything
powerful our country would become, the more deny them food and water. What would happen possible to make sure this innocent woman's
corrupt the leaders of our country would in this case? Child Protection Services would rights were not being violated by the ruling of
become as well. So, they purposely separated come along and take the custody of these chil- one state judge. The executive and legislative
the powers of government, thereby instituting a dren away from their parents. The parents branches of government have every right to
program of checks and balances. What does this would be arrested and lose their guardianship intervene if they feel that the judiciary is fail-
mean? This means that if one branch of govern- over the children. ing to uphold our rights.
ment is over-stepping its boundaries, or that Michael Schiavo held guardianship over To order the removal of a feeding tube is
the decisions of one branch of government may his wife Terri; he was in charge of making deci- one thing; to order starvation by outlawing the
impede any citizen from exercising their rights sions for a woman who could not speak for her- administration of food or water via her mouth is
to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, self. After many years he decided to go on with a whole different story. This judge has violated
that another branch can step in and take action his life and began a new life with a new woman his oath to uphold the law, to protect our rights.
to right that wrong. and had two children with her. I completely This judge is a criminal and he should be put on
Liberals are in an uproar because our understand his predicament; no one should be trial as an accomplice to murder.
Congress stepped in on behalf of the parents of forced to put their life on hold because of the
Terri Schiavo after Florida State Judge George unfortunate position their significant other is
Greer ruled in favor of her husband, Michael in. So why didn't he divorce her and allow her
Schiavo, to remove her feeding tube after she parents, who obviously love her, to take over
had been in a permanent vegetative state for fif- guardian'ship? I don't know if he could divorce
teen years. Liberals viewed this ruling of her by law, since both parties usually have to
Congress as the government getting involved in sign the divorce papers. But if that was the case,
a personal family case, as big government get- if the law was the reason he could not divorce
ting too involved in our p'ersonal lives. But the her, then a special hearing should have been
fact is, Congress did not make a ruling in the held under such circumstances to allow her
case; Congress simply realized that an innocent parents to sign the papers on her behalf. But no,
life was at stake and that it was high time that instead of allowing a divorce, this judge allowed
our system of checks and balances was put into a man to free himself from his marriage vows via
action. Congress only voted to allow the case to murder. Henry VIII faced this same predica-
t---~-
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. .... »,,
>-
1A. anr 1 Al l \r » tri
hie FirCt \X;I;fP
oe taKen up oy 1
courts; to err or e
of caution; to n' s

an innocent wor e
die simply bec
one state ju
ruled that e
time had come. a
Befor s
s
Terri's feedin
tube was remove
for the last timi g
I was most cc h
tainly of the op d
that the plug sl it
that I would nev
vegetative state r
was pulled, hov o
case came to lig n
ter of letting a o

became apparer y
murdered so tha
life with his gir
Let's st
that made me se
been pulled; OK
But what if, b
given a glass o
actually take a
r
SL ~v^. T Y* aU .....
,,, x a -v
am, vemmus a
no van uo an
happen, perhaps
 i I
A Personal Interview Continu ed...
By Lena Tumasyan
because sometimes people go into empty park- more people are losing homes due to rising
ing. lots to do drugs, have sex, and prostitute, costs. A minimum wage worker would have to
cian was during a short period of time he spent and he wants no connection to it. work 92 hours each week to afford a 1-bedroom
with his mother at his home in the past year. When I asked him about the stereotypes apartment, or at least $15 per hour working full
Since then he got sick with a very painful throat of homeless people being drunk, smelly, crazy, time. In fact, there is no community in the
and was not able to go to a doctor. He hasn't seen he answered, "I have to agree with some of the entire U.S. where a minimum wage worker can
a dentist in years. He says, "If there was one stereotypes - if you do not shower for a while, afford a market rate 2 bedroom apartment for a
thing I always took care of it was my teeth- even you can't help but become smelly. But most of us family.
being homeless." After all a pack of toothpaste are not crazy, and I do no t drink -not only do In Suffolk county Jan Jamroz, a Program
is cheaper then fixing a tooth. I think it's bad for you and ruins whatever liver Administrator of Parish Social Ministry of
A couple restrictions with hygiene: if you got, but it is also very expensive." Catholic Charities on Long Island, is pledging to
you're staying at someone's house you at least More about the breakdown of homeless reduce the "red tape" in DSS and to have better
get to shower. When you stay in your car you do youth in Long Island... communication of the services. Fortunately or
your best to clean yourself up in public toilets, There are approximately 300,000 home- unfortunately, 72% of agencies are religiously
but sometimes your end up going for a while less youths in the U.S. In a 1997 Nassau County affiliated, something a homeless person will
without a good bath. You end up using public survey, for every 1,000 residents, 7.3 are young have feelings about. Goodwill stores will sell
toilets, but Michael refused to be indecent in- people that were homeless at some point. The new and gently used good at very reduced
that, "sometimes ILwould want to release myself Suffolk County Youth Bureau in 2003 worked on prices, there are at least 5 across Nassau and
so bad in the middle of the night, I thought my appointing 362 16-20 year olds into a transi- Suffolk counties.
bowels would burst, but I would refuse to go in tional independent living program; 99 12-17 At the Stfny Brook Campus...
the bushes the way other people sometimes do." year olds were kept in emergency housing up to The NYPIRG (New York Public Interest
How were you treated in the community? 30 days. Nationally, 68% of homeless Group) Stony Brook chapter has a project run-
What stereotypes about homeless people do you Americans are male, 32% female; the top three ning about "homelessness and hunger." It also
agree or disagree with? groups according to race are 40% are white, 40% sponsors annual "sleep-outs" during the Fall
To my reader: if you see a homeless guy are black, 11% Hispanic; 15% of homeless per- semester where people sleep outdoors for one
on the street, would you give him a penny? You sons live in families. night in cardboard boxes. Go here for more
are the community. Some may curse or abuse Basically, more than 1 in 50 American i n f o r m a t i o n
him, destroy his property, such as his car, and children will experience homelessness in the http://www.ic.sunysb.edu/Clubs/nypirg/ or
call the police. Others are more accepting, and U.S. this year. 1 of every 3 homeless persons is call them directly at (631) 622-6457.
understanding that he is not there by choice, a child. Next time you walk into Javits 100, What do you miss the most about having
nor is he harmful to anyone. which has the seating capacity of 500, realize a permanent home?
Michael never stayed in one place for too that 10 people do not have a permanent home -
long. He doesn't want the neighbors or authori- perhaps they are staying in a dorm temporarily "I didn't realize it before but one of the things I
ties getting suspicious about a car permanently and once summer comes their "bed" will be a miss the most is taking my shoes off." I could-
parked on a block. He'd rather park in a big lot park bench. n't help but laugh, "yea, at night when it gets
next to a store or shopping center. "I stayed More about the type of help offered... ridiculously cold, and I'm trying to sleep in my
near the mall for a while, because well, the mall The McKinney Act was the first major car, I have on two pairs of socks and don't take
was always heated, had bathrooms, hot running federal legislative response to homelessness. It my boots off so my feet stay warm. As soon as I
water, food, and I was around people. I went has been amended 4 times through 1994. In get a bed to sleep on, I'll love taking them off."
there a lot, I almost became a light fixture January 2005 the Bush administration pledged
there." $140 million for New York State, $107 million Go here to purchase a plastic' "homeless"
At night he tries to "disappear" under of which will go to New York City and the sub- bracelet:
his multiple blankets so that people won't think urbs. Meanwhile the Section 8 federal housing http://www.rmsyr.org/WebSite_Current/Home/
there's anyone in the backseat. A cop tapped on assistance program is under attack, and Bracelets SoldInStoresAndOnLine.htm
his window ,nonetheless and asked him to "go although the aid hasn't decreased as much as Emergency food locator: http://hungeraction-
home." Michael replied with, "I'm homeless, I'm initially proposed, it has caused many prob- nys.org/index.htm or 1-866-692-3663
trying my best here, if I am truly bothering lems. One of which is a further lack of housing Nassau County DSS: (516) 571-5428
then you may ask me to move." The cop let it go. because companies won't build for poor people Suffolk County DSS: (631) 854-9700
But even finding a good lot at night is not easy if this program is unstable, and that more and

Page 22
 What is Falun Gong? And Why Are Peo pie
Being Persecuted for Practicing it?
By Claudia Toloza
At last week's Stony Brook Digita 1 Movie arrested, beaten, tortured, sent to labor camps, China. As he explained at the end of his film the
Festival a very powerful film called Sanidstorm or killed. One important thing to note is that Chinese government has even gone so far as to
was shown. This film depicted the tortuire of a although many practitioners who have been try to stop his film from being shown at various
Falun Gong practitioner after she ha d been arrested and tortured by the government, they film festivals. During the discussion at the end
arrested by the Chinese government. Aft Ler hav- do not use violence in retribution. This was one of the film other audience members stood up
incr watched theP film T hPcame intere. ted ando nf the acnpre'tc hown in the film .'SnnAstnrm in ndl cnnlokp hea t their nwnn nprcnal PYnPriPnrc

decided finding out more ian that was as practitioners of Falun Gong. One woman, who
I had never heard of Falu tortured did happened to be a Professor at a local Long Island
watching this film or ab< ite against her school, told her story of having been dismissed
that many practitioners s. She instead from her job because she was a Falun Gong prac-
tortured for practicing ii 1 one of the titioner. Another man, who was also a practi-
Falun Gong, n Gong values tioner of Falun Gong, spoke with difficulty
referred to as Falun Dafa olerance. The because of his overwhelming emotions about his
practice comprised oj inese govern- ordeal in China. He, like many practitioners of
combination of exerci ent has used Falun Gong, was forced to leave his native land
and meditation. This prn x t e n s i v e only because he was a practitioner of Falun
tice was created by Mr. 3sources in Gong.
Hongzhi and was inti rder to sup- It seems rather pointless that the
duced to the public ress the prac- Chinese government would put so much effort
1992. The three main go ce of Falun time and money-in trying to suppress a practice
of Falun Gong are to te, ong. One of that does not seem to be causing any physical
"Truthfulness, Compassi teir most pow- harm to people. The Chinese Government per-
and Forbearance." Since ful weapons haps fears that the popularity of Falun Gong
introduction Falun C Sbeen their may be a threat to their control over the Chinese
became extremely popul plete control people. Whatever the case may be it is this
China and the practice oj Smedia, which reporter's opinion that the persecution and tor-
Gong has spread to vario lave used to ture of people is an inhumane act no matter what
tries worldwide. The tlun Gong in a the situation is.
interest and support o ight labeling For more information about Falun Gong
Gong caught the interes Lctice of Falun .and the film Sandstorm visit:
Chinese government who a cult, among -www.sandstormmovie.com
20, 1999 declared the practice of Falu n Gong other things. The reach of the Chinese -www.fofg.org
illegal. Government and their extreme dedication to -www.faluninfo.net
Since July 20, 1999 the Commun ist gov- suppressing Falun Gong has spread overseas. -www.falundafa.org (Falun Gong Books,
ernment of China has established a pers ecution The director of the aforementioned film Audio, and Video can be download at this site
campaign against Falun Gong practi tioners. Sandstorm, Michael Mahonen, has in fact been FREE OF CHARGE, that's rite I said it FREE)
Many Falun Gong practitioners hay e been blacklisted and is prohibited from traveling to

Quisurfing: Its a Word Damnit!

By Jacquie Bachman
With summer upon us, one begins to er, cup your hands, and paddle past the break- the board, and then double check to make sure
wonder, "What the heck am I going to do with ing waves. In order to get out far enough to catch the wave is clear...finally you pop up to your
myself? Gosh!" If you aren't big on the whole a wave you'll need to do what we call a "duck- feet-keeping your hips low and chest up (you
idea of graduating in four years then you're dive" under the breaking waves. To do this push need to keep your center of gravity low and not
most likely planning on getting a summer job. the nose of the, board under the water, throw too far forward). When you're first learning
(...that's like a dollar an hour...) So then when your body weight onto the board, and pop up you'll want to focus on consistently placing
you aren't working, or consuming substances, or through the back side of the wave. This entire your feet in the same place when you pop up. So
sleeping, what should you do? Surf my friends, "paddling out process" will definitely be a you're standing...ride the wave in, at the end of
surf. your ride it's best to not jump off the board
The beach is an amazing place to be in (broken ankle=no fun), just sit back down but
the summer time, especially on Long Island. If don't get too close to the shore whilst standing
you want a list of my favorite surf spots, feel on the board because you'll eventually fall for-
free to ask. But for now, I'd like to address a ward.
request that I frequently get. "Teach me to Before you go to the beach to attempt
surf." I certainly don't want to give the impres- surfing you should definitely check the condi-
sion that it's easy, and I'm not by any means tions, safety first my friend, safety first.
close to being a professional, but I'm a firm Hopefully by now if you were already slightly
believer in the idea that if I can do something- interested in the art of surfing you can try to
just about any numbskull can. So, here goes my of... but it gets much easier. Now-we wait for a catch some waves. Maybe you care even less
in short (...well as short as I could) on the 'how wave, to do this you want to sit on the board fac- about the sport, or maybe you feel a little bit
to' of surfing. First, one must obtain a board of ing the oncoming waves, make sure the nose dumber after reading this, but shit, I hope
some kind, I suggest starting off with a soft long stays up and your weight stays centered. Once that's not the case. To m6st surfers it's not just
board (it's much easier to learn on a long board you spot your desired wave, make sure you're a sport, it's a life-style. Surfing has been
and the soft part well...isn't mandatory but centered on the board (notice how this keeps around for ages and has evolved a lot throughout
trust me-your body will appreciate it..,). Next, coming up, might it be...important?), find the the years, you should definitely try it out
get in the water (side note-PLEASE know how to peak (the highest and most poweiful part) of the because not only is it fun and physical (and
swim first, the board might technically be a wave, time your paddling, paddle like a bat out also, come on- you're at the beach in the ocean
floatation device but it won't save your life, and .of hell, and watch out for other surfers. Some with the sun on you all day, how much more can
also...there's no need to be afraid of the water, surf etiquette: the surfer closer to the peak has you ask for dangit?) ... but it's also very relaxing
it's your friend, but do however be aware of how the right of.way, don't EVER drop in on some- and spiritual, you become one with a wave, with
the tides work because they can indeed be dan- one's wave. So...by now, you're paddling with the ocean, something larger than you can imag-
gerous, trust me on. that one...) So where were the wave (still on your stomach), the next step ine, it's incredible...it's...amazing...unless of
we, right... we're in the water laying on the board is popping up. First you should practice on the course in your spare time in the beautiful sum-
on your stomach, now you must paddle out. To beach to figure out whether you're regular (left mer months you'd rather be online chatting with
do this get yourself centered 6n the board, keep foot forward) or goofy (right) footed; next you babes...all day, which would be completely
your head and chest up, keep your legs togeth- arch up by lifting your chest and stomach off understandable.

Page 23
 - I :--;:-;:::::;' I iI :I -I I i - ~- II I I : -I I I --

Exploring 101
- By Brian Wasser
Now that the weather is nicer, we can also many other buildings to explore in the There is a lot of evidence pointing to
finally get out and do more than explore the restricted area, many of which contain equip- alleged activities that have happened, or are
shitty steam tunnels underneath campus. One ment and cabling that is definitely more recent still happening there. There's a lot of random
of the best places on Long Island to go explore is than would be expected given the alleged date of weirdness that still suggests the site is more
Camp Hero, in Montauk. It's only an hour-and- shutting down operations in 1980. There's also than a park. Either way, Camp Hero has been the
a-half drive, unless you take the time to stop a creepy, old, wooden house on top of a hill that center of many government conspiracies and
and piss on the East Hampton sidewalks. With supposed secret projects. The first was the
the appropriate music, it's well worth the trip. alleged Philadelphia Experiment, in 1943.
There are a lot of stories about this There was also Phoenix, a weather modification
place, some true, some wild conspiracy theories. project that giew to encompass, apparently,
Either way, exploring the site, especially at everything from psychological experimentation
night (which is illegal) is definitely exciting underground, to mass-mind control experi-
and creepy. Even if you don't believe in ghosts, ments (using the radar dish), to what would
aliens or secret government experiments, you become HAARP (a project now based in Alaska
get the overwhelming feeling you are being apparently being used to electrify the iono-
watched. sphere to control the weather, provide ground
During WWII, as a defense against a pos- penetrating tomography and affect moods on a
sible invasion of the East coast, the Navy took large scale). People have said they've seen
over many of the main buildings in Montauk UFO's at Camp Hero, some have seen ghosts,
town, and constructed a huge network of tun- some have been confronted by random "energy
nels, bunkers, barracks, gun casemates and company" employees wandering around in the
other facilities designed either to blend into the middle of the woods and others have just felt
landscape, or to be completely underground. really weird vibes. For me, personally, after
These facilities were expanded and modified the first time exploring Camp Hero, I keep hav-
during the Cold War for various purposes. The ing recurring dreams about hidden places that
full extent of the operations is still unknown, turn out to exist the next time I go there. There
but you can basically go anywhere in the greater has random doors going down to nowhere, and are other, more explainable phenomena that are
Montauk area and find evidence of this. For weird drawings all over the walls. At other said to happen there as well, such as electron-
example, wherever you go, you're likely to find places, you can find bunkers in the sides of ics malfunctioning at specific spots, strange
wires, pieces of foundation or entrances to tun- hills, sealed with cinder blocks and concrete. weather patterns only above the Camp and
nels, all coming out of:the side of the cliffs. At Sometimes you can find holes in these sealed bizarre acoustic effects at certain locations.
random places in Montauk, you can also find walls (which are always quickly resealed). If And that's just the start. There's a lot of infor-
abandoned concrete buildings in the middle of you do, squeeze inside, and explore what you mation online about Camp Hero, some obviously
nowhere. But the center of all this is Camp Hero will find to be an endless network of tunnels, written by loonies (reptile aliens transporting
itself, several miles out of town and near the some with cages in them, or rooms that have you, through one of the tunnels, to a dimension
lighthouse. At the center of the camp is a huge been completely destroyed for no apparent rea- in which the Nazis won World War II), and some
radar tower, which can be seen from miles away. son. Apparently, the tunnels lead all the way to that are less dorky (e.g., John Quinn). Either
If you're good at hopping seven foot fences with the Fischer Tower, miles away in Montauk town. way, Camp Hero has everything: conspiracies,
barbed wire on top, you can go right up to the To this day, we can only speculate as to the real ghosts, mind control, drugs, abandoned build-
radar building and explore there. uses of the tower. ings, scenic views, creppy vibes, miscellaneous
Since 1984, most of the area has been Camp Hero closes immediately at sunset, breakings of the law, an anti-tourist air despite
converted into a State Park (except, oddly and during the day you'll probably get caught in being a state park, subterranean mazes, dream-
enough, everything below ground still belongs the restricted areas by park police, who are like synchronicities, interesting graffiti and,
to the U.S. government). The areas that are still always accompanied by a random civilian who most of all, great potential for getting really
closed to the public are said to be restricted seems really agitated; so, your best bet is to lost. Even if none of the conspiracies are true,
because they have not yet been cleared of unex- park at the lighthouse at night, walk along the this place is perfect for abandoned rooftop
ploded bombs, while the rest of the park has. beach, and climb the cliffs to get into the park. climbings and random wanderings. And if you
You'd think that the main areas of the camp If you hear weird clicking sounds, get the fuck don't like it, just find your way to the beach and
would have been cleared of these random bombs out of there. But the park is huge, so you'll. have a bonfire.
first, and not the obscure, thickly-wooded areas probably get lost anyway, which is good. You'll
where visitors are allowed to walk. There are just have to spend the night.
 Media Ethics
What is the Media?
By Dustin Herlich
A while back I wrote a column about even editors yet they would gladly print a
media, and titled it "What Exactly Is piece that was written by George W. Bush
Journalism?" I thought I had clearly spelled himself. Good journalism raises questions
out what real journalism is, and what the without abusing the use of allegations. Good
purpose of journalism is but apparently I journalism ignores personal bias as much as
failed. In response to the egregious misuse possible and presents facts. Sometimes in
of journalism now present in not only Stony- the course of good journalism your own
Brook media, but general US media as well, I beliefs are questioned.
shall return to the topic of proper journal- Journalism sometimes means that you
ism, and speak a little on what is and what is put aside your beliefs and even your morals
not allowed in journalism. to get a story. It is not uncommon for a jour-
Journalism, contrary to what Rupert nalist to go under cover and pose as a mem-
Murdoch wants us to believe, is not a tool for ber of a group they clearly have no business
spewing out political discourse. Contrary to being part of. Is this lying? Yes, in a sense I
what Jerry Falwell would like us to believe, it is, but a NARC who pretends he or she is a
the media is not liberal. Contrary to what drug enforcement agent is also lying. Why
Alan Combs may say, there is no vast right do we support the NARC but boo the journal-
wing conspiracy. Trent Lott and Pat ist? Why do we hate real journalism in this
Robertson are way off the mar.k when they. country and take it for granted? Journalism
say that Jews control the media. According can prove men on death row are innocent and
to Mel Gibson and his father, Jews not only uncover true motives in a crime. There are
control the media, but they detonated the countless examples of a story being broken,
World Trade Center by remote control. and as a result of the hard work of the jour-
Journalism is not FOX news, and.journalism nalist there being legal action taken against
is not blogging. an injustice.
Journalism enlightens and informs
the public. If pictures of hundreds of
coffins of US soldiers upset you, maybe
you'll think twice about voting for the per-
son who helped send these soldiers to their
death. Conversely, good journalism may
rally you to support a cause that is just, no
matter how brutal the fight is. The public
needs a free, independent and unbiased
media in order to be informed enough to
make decisions that actually matter. Too
much we see commentary and entertainment
passed off as news. Brittney Spears having a
Journalism is the dissemination of baby is not news. We've created a climate in
information that informs the public and this country where we believe that enter-
helps democracy function. In this country tainment is news, and it's not news without
we have become so twisted in our percep- flashy graphics and pictures of horrible
tions of the media, and what journalism is accidents. We have the most free flow of
that it is frightening. When high school stu- news and information on the planet but we
dents across the nation believe that the squander it on special interest commentary
media is TOO free, we have a problem. channels and reports of who-the newest star
Journalism sometimes shows us things we is on "The Simple Life." Americans don't
don't really want to see. The people at FOX care about the world around them any more.
News don't agree with that. They think jour- The media is failing to make Americans care
nalism is just something that furthers the about what they should care about and
ideals of Republican Party and the Christian instead feeding them canned propaganda
Right. Journalism, real journalism, follows pieces put out by the White House. Even
the Society of Professional Journalism's worse, the media has started to make the
Code of Ethics available at decisions for the American people and thus
http://www.spj.org/ethics_code.asp. completely stopped doing their true job.
A newsletter is not journalism, and What we really need in this nation
legally is not protected by the laws and right now is a truly free press that does not
court decisions that specifically relate to favor either side. We need a press that tells
recognized media outlets. Newsletters are us the facts we do and don't want to hear and
absolutely covered by general free speech a press that helps us make decisions for our-
laws, but writers of newsletters and pam- selves. We need a media that empowers us to
phlets are not covered by journalistic shield decide for ourselves and reminds us we CAN
laws. The Post interestingly enough was make our--- own decisions. This demand,
started just on the premise of ending though, unfortunately has to come from the
Benjamin Franklin's career, but somehow public and not from the media organizations
they have evolved into something akin to on down. Hopefully after a year of writing
news. You won't find a single piece in The these pieces I've made some small difference
Post that isn't straight up commentary, but in your perceptions of media and your gen-
it has a loyal readership somehow. eral knowledge of journalism. If there is
An individual journalist may have something you'd like to see in the final
his or her own political ideals and as a col- installment of this column coming in the
lective an editorial board may have their next issue, please contact The Stony Brook
own political leanings but that should have Press, The Stony Brook Independent
nothing to do- with the actual content in the (www.sbindependent.org) or WUSB
paper. The Wall Street Journal has one of (www.wusb.fm) and leave me a message. I'll
the best-written and most hard line conser- most assuredly get back to you in good speed
vative editorial sections in the country. The and I'll do my best to answer all your ques-
Stony Brook Press editorial board clearly tions next issue.
has a large number of liberal writers and
 President
Ilan Nassimi (CORE) Diana Acosta
Positive Positive
1) Has expressed interest in a Constitutional Review, 1) Has wholeheatedly denounced the illegal and
a reform sorely needed in the government. immoral tactics of the CORE party.
2) Has proven his willingness to fight the 2) She is an outspoken, free-thinker who is inter-
Administration to improve student life. ested in the position to enact actual change in USG.
3) Has shown the necessary intelligence, creativity, 3) She has emphasized the need for greater com-
and enthusiasm to run the government. / munication between USG and the campus media, an
rrl
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Negative
1) He's too much of a politician. Will not renounce the slimy, under- Negative
handed tactics of the CORE party for fear of losing the election. 1) She is a little too trustworthy of the Administration. Right now USG needs
2) He is a strong advocate of the party system, which only polarizes to stand on its alone and start acting like an independent organization.
USG and stifles independent thought. 2) Has yet to recognize the need for Constitutional reform.

Ilan has good intentions but his ethics are questionable at best. Diana, with a little help, could be a fantastic president for USG.

Executive Vice President

Richard Hsu (CORE) Samuel
Darguin

Positive Positive
1) ... huh. 1) Curent Pro Tempore of the Senate. Would easily
make transition to the position of Chair (EVP).
Negative 2) Independently minded. One of the few Senators
1) Has been a senator for a full year and has proved who actually speaks out.
that he hasn't learned a fucking thing. 3) Has called others out on their attempts to pass
2) *Made a slanderous presentation to the Senate and illegal legislation. Concerned with USG legitimacy.
flAlaclv nnrtravepd a nrivatPe studnt a~i a ranist thugc

and social deviant. (For the video clip of Hsu's sickenly defamatory Ne ative
speech, visit www.thepress.info) To this day, Hsu has shown no acknowl- 1) Needs to polish up on execution of parlimentary procedure.
edgement, let alone remorse for his disgusting behavior.
PLEASE PLEASE VOTE FOR SAM. He would do a fantastic job as
Richard Hsu is a monster and he will undoubtedly destroy the Executive Vice President. He has demonstrated his genuine interest in
Senate. If you vote against anyone in this election, vote against Hsu. student advocacy and would do his best to get the Senate on track.

Vice President of Communications

Victoria Yarisantos (CORE) Samone Rogers Nichole Reyes
We've never met her, but she's on the Samone has been on the sidelines of She's less underwhelming than Samone
CORE party ticket. All this tells us is that she USG for some time now but she has never done and she's not on the CORE ticket, so I guessshe's
is easily influenced and has paid little atten- anything noteworthy in our opinion. Be it a your candidate. She's nice to talk to, but will
tion to USG in the past year. Just by virtue of lack of communication or just modesty, we just she step up to the massive reform that this posi-
being in CORE, make her your last choice. don't know. tion needs?

Vice President of Clubs and Organizations

Ralph Thomas Francisco Narvaez
He is a pretty vocal senator who is usually on the correct side A newcomer to USG, we had the opportunity to sit lown with
of the issue at hand. In terms of original thought, he has never pre- him for a while and talk about the elections in general. He was gen-
sented a bill to the Senate, but he is always able to inject ideas into a uinely concerned about getting into office and making chang es but was
conversation. In meeting with him personally, he seemed slightly worried about being unaffiliated with a party for fear of beinig crushed
aloof, but he seems to have good intentions, by voting blocks on campus. In the end, he rightly abandoned the CORE
S~-party; a courageous move that speaks volumes about his cha]racter.

Senior Class Representative

Gianna Crespo Annlyn Bristol
She is the only Class Rep Candidate who has attended more than During the Class Rep debates, she was well versed on the issues
zero Executive Council meetings, which makes her that much more pre- and would probably do a good job as Senior Class Representative. On
pared for the position. Currently she is a Senator who seems to weigh the other hand, she has never attended an Executive Council meeting
the issues fairly, but she isn't the most outspoken person we've met. and may have more of a learning curve than Gianna.

Sophomore Class Representative

Ana Hernandez Michael Nacmias (CORE)
We actually have nothing to say about Ana Hernandez. She We spoke briefly with Mike and he didn't seem like aLbad guy,
debated adequately, but she also has never attended an Executive but he definately doesn't know what's going on. After atte mpting to
Council meeting. It's conceivable that she would do a good job but explain to him what the CORE party represents, he seemed w holly dis-
we...just...don't...know. interested. He is definately not a leader and probably shouldIn't be on
the Executive Council.
Page 26 By Joe Filippazzo and Mike Billings
 USG Senate
The following people will be Senators no. To start off, only 7 of the 16 candidates they want to be considered anywhere on par
matter what. That's good in some cases and real- went to the dabate. Whether this was a precur- with an effective legislator.
ly, really bad in others. Keep in mind there are sor to next year's Senatorial attendance or not Especially disappointing were Marc
22 Senate seats and only 16 have been filled. remains to be seen. Gross (CORE) and Enyu Shih (CORE) who proba-
Firstly: Amy Wisnoski is possibly the bly didn't even know where they were. Their
Enyu Shih (CORE) best fucking thing that has ever happened to answers were so painfully short and generic;
Marc Gross (CORE) USG. Holy shit. She ate everyone else alive at the that the audience actually laughed at them. But,
Michael Cohan debate and has demonstrated that an incoming lo! They are senators now.
Milap Patel senator should know something about the seat If Richard Hsu were to win Executive
Amol Amin they are about to fill. If I was any other Senate Vice President, he would chair Senate meetings.
Amy Wisnoski candidate, I would now be so insecure that I Oh my fucking christ. Oh my fucking christ.
Ajay Pawar would henceforth sleep with my USG This would literally be the end of USG's
Tanzim Khan Constitution. Amy is a godsend to the Senate. To Legislative Branch. So as a reminder, YOU MUST
Simardip Grewal boot, Amy was the only one who knew the dif- VOTE FOR SAMUEL DARGUIN IN THE EXECU-
Nigam Vyas ference between a bill and a resolution; an TIVE VICE PRESIDENT RACE!
Jaspreet Toor important distinction. This is not a joke. Richard Hsu is so woe-
Natasha Patel Secondly: Of everyone else, Alyssa fully inadequate for this position that babies
Jonathan Reichman (CORE) Fasano and Jonathan Reichman were probably will weep. Do not vote for Richard Hsu. Do not
Aryeh Glas (CORE) the only ones who could even hold their own. vote for Richard Hsu. Do not vote for Richard
Walter Sysak (CORE) These three are the only ones who really should Hsu. Do not vote for Richard Hsu. Do not vote for
Alyssa Fasano be senators. Everyone else, granted they are Richard Hsu. Do not vote for Richard Hsu. Do not
actually interested, have a lot of work to do if vote for Richard Hsu. Please.

USG Treasure Vice President Vice President Junior Class Representative

of Student Life of Accademic Affairs

Jackie Wu (CORE) Romual Jean-Baptiste Chinelo Onochie Kanika Jain

So, this guy already won. Romual is currently the We are very involved with Again, this is someone we
Individually, he is a bit of a mys- Freshman Class Representative. the USG Senate and we do not know have not had the opportunity, to
tery but he makes a habit of asso- When he speaks in the Senate, he who this person is. In fact, she meet so it is difficult to get a
ciating himself with nefarious has relatively good ideas but he attended meetings so infrequently reading on her. She does, however,
individuals in the CORE party. In has yet to develop a sense 6f tact. that she has been removed from get points for mentioning a specif-
the few interactions we've had His track record is less than her Senate position. This is not a ic part of the USG Constitution in
with him, he seemed ill-suited to impressive so he'll have a lot to good sign considering that the VP her patform. This either means
hold any Executive Council prove. Honestly, he doesn't seem of Academic Affairs has a much that she is at least trying to be
Position. Abstention is nice form to take the job too seriously, but more vigorous role in USG than a informed or she just wants brown-
of protest. we could do worse. senator. ie points. Either way, you got 'er!

Vote for all

positions on
SOLAR
from
April 25th
to
April 29th!
You Must Vote!
Page 27
 Alec Empire (Futurist)
I , I --I --· -I By Vincent Michael Festa
After fifteen years of totally fucking up using guitars and in his latest work. In this they're not their own producer. Futurist can
everyone's program and their heads with almost case Futurist is totally comprised of black slow down the pace without losing its touch or
every form of electronic music out there, metal, but with Empire's touch everything will vocal power, as with "Point Of No Return" or the
Empire has finally picked up the guitar full- be A-OK, even for those expecting another beats hard-driving "Terror Alert: High". "Uproar",
time. That's night, Empire's not heavily relying and noise mash-fest. hands down, is a cut above the rest, being the
on electronics this time. On Futurist, it's not about the intrica- most aggressive, driving the roughest in guitar
Alec Empire had done it all. Between cies of jungle patterns, how to distinguish work, the loudest in vocals and the hardest in
techno, jungle, drum and bass, sampladelics, sounds apart from unrecognizable walls of drums.
video-game noise, acid (which if used in huge noise, or to count the different paths one cut can All the while, Empire's shouts are as
doses can be the most exciting!), reggae sam- create itself. It's all guitars, vocals and drums always loud and repetitive to the point where no
pling, IDM, white-washing with little help of electronics. one will sleep on Futurist. He has never calmed
extreme noise and just out-of- Empire's formulae for Futurist down; and why would he if there's so much chaos
nowhere craziness crossed is to blaze a simple, straight- and action going on around him? Always per-
with Berlin-style punk rock forward path of constant, sonal and confrontational, there's always his
edginess residing alongside aggressive, underground metal themes of catharsis, feeling, questioning, disil-
the air of black death consist- that keeps to the point while he lusionment, direction and what's really inside
ing of artistic murder, depres- puts in his own style of his of him, never backing down from how he really
sion, depravity, defacement razor-sharp, hard-edged per- feels ("I disrespect you / For everything you
and pollution, Empire has sonality and attitude. do" on "Vertigo" and "We're gonna' be bringers
been on a non-stop course in Empire wastes of chaos!" on "In Disguise"). He also hasn't
getting his musical statement absolutely no time starting up changed any, since he still has a thing for the
across. Now, we can add the Futurist with "Kiss Of Death". Armageddon... someone give him the number to
rock quality to the list. Although it won't bring on 'the Killing Joke!
The latest album is death of rock n' roll', it can Futurist goes all the way through put-
Futurist, and Empire has speed it up with its get-up- ting up one hell of a fight. It can do that because
redone himself'again, just as and-go-for-yours guitar atti- it doesn't deal with music industry middlemen
he does every three or four tude and Empire's headlight ready to ambush the potential of an artist with
years. Across twelve tracks, vocals and lyricism. "Night Of some formula for all-for-profit purposes. As a
.- -~-~, ,1 TIA
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rr,
result, it's an all-out, honest-to-Gott ass-kick-
and a new Flying V, and with Nic Endo (elec- to Nine Inch Nail's "March Of The Pigs" with ing that is sorely needed for the state of metal,
tronics), and other personnel, rides through fast-pattering drumwerk and more ramped up, just like Probot's self-titled was, a year ago.
with absolutely none of the so-called industry high-altitude vocals and lyrics with action Empire's mindset is all good, as he
politics, pop-cock-rock industry cliches, or ("Night of violence / We're gonna' give it to always had the right idea of how serious he, or
"tried-and-true" formulaes like selling your you!") "Overdose" is a great example of Empire -any artist, should be about music, and how
soul to the devil for instant success. and co. going mid-tempo, while keeping up with, music in general should be dealt with. His
For the record (again), he's not relying and delivering, sheer power and output. overall attitude was always critical, active,
on programmed guitar loops and electronic - "Gotta Get Out", the first single of challenging, sometimes malicious, suicidal,
placement like he did on Atari Teenage Riot or Futurist, is one hell of an example of what a deadly and was always totally serious. Futurist
on his last album Intelligence and. Sacrifice. rock record should have: energy, intensity, soul is no exception, as it is always extremely excit-
Here, he's playing for real because Empire and innovation. It's too bad that most radio ing and energetic to have Alec Empire release
wanted to have a totally different approach in bands don't even take a hint. Then again, __
music that was, and is still, like no other.

Braveverravery The Bravery Brav ery

,,, A little over one year ago, The Bravery
-r I I I
of] that band being in a different kind of band,
By Sam Goldman
rock ballad than The Killers' "Andy, You're a
didn't exist. Their lead singer, Sam Endicott, and how do you defend that? If you say, 'My Star," which was a very misguided attempt at
was in a ska/punk band called Skabba The Hut heart really belongs to what I'm doing now,' but blues. While The Killers seem intent on chan-
(he even now lists Fugazi and Minor Threat as you used to be in a ska band." Ouch. neling pop stalwarts like Duran Duran, The
among his influences). Then he heard some I don't blame him for bitching. It's fair- Bravery would rather emulate Blondie or New
toe ourw opaisn Order.
electroclash - the short-liv able to araw. comparisons
ment that fused punk, elec :n the two bands - hell, The second thing is that there is a sense
and new wave - and decided 're even on the same label. of fun and experimentation with The Bravery.
he liked the sound, t t The Bravery's punk/DIY From loopy keyboards (the chorus of
"thought all the band oots infuse their self-pro- "Fearless") to some garage rock riffs ("Swollen
sucked," in his own words. A duced debut album with an Summer," their best song) to wiseass lyrics
little over a-year later, after energy that makes The (from "Public Service Announcement", "You put
appearances at CMJ, SXSW, a Killers - and pretty much the broke in brokenhearted / You put the art in
sold-out residency at every other band of its ilk retarded") to weird synthy noises ("The Ring
Arlene's Grocery and a - look stodgy by compar- Song" finally uses that weird bubbly noise
Pamplona-sized rush to ison. that's on seemingly every keyboard ever made),
sign them to a major label, From their first single, The Bravery make a point not to take themselves
Endicott suddenly looks like "An Honest Mistake," all so damn seriously, and to sound like they're
a cross between Robert Smitl the way to the last song, having a damn good time.
and Billy Idol, and his band Rites of Spring," two things There will be people who won't listen to
on the same New New W come very clear. The first The Bravery out of general principle. These
pedestal as The Killers anc that The Bravery aren't people are idiots. The Bravery may not be made
Hot Heat. Such is the music rested in schmaltzy, up of lifelong New Wave lovers, and they might
ness nowadays. rdiose pop melodies. They have been skanking it up while their contempo-
You just can't do stuf a rock band first and fore- raries may have been digging Fischerspooner,
thnt L n,
L.1JLC l 1 nnt
g 11UJ 1VL L'.atcrh
.a ,%. 1 shit
L Xfc Ixfr
L5.UA
O 1 VI I . t with the guitar and esne- but if the only thing that matters to you is the
Enter Killers frontman Brandon Flowers. cially the drums driving short, snappy songs music on the CD in your grubby little fingers,
"They're signed because we're a band," Flowers that seem full of boundless energy. Even their The Bravery will not let you down.
told MTV. "I've heard rumors about [members only ballad, "Tyrant," sounds more like a real
Page 28
 Sideways: It's Only Wine!
SBy Seth Maggiore
Have you ever wondered what was inside let down, not to mention drunk. They find and plot wasn't particularly bad either, it just was-
a box of wine (and don't say wine, smartass)? I lose and find love, and at the end of the film n't anything great. The few hilarious alcohol-
mean what holds the wine in the cardboard? It's Miles and Jack both achieve some level of reso- drenched, socially awkward scenes couldn't
a plastic bag with a tap at the end, a large plas- lution and happiness in their lives (don't worry, make up for the hackneyed attempts of emotion-
tic bag that contains five liters of grapey good- this description doesn't give anything crucial ally pivotal moments. The worst part about
ness. When dispersed to an adequate amount of away). Basically, it's a cultured version of Sideways was that it seemed like the story took
friends (four to five is best), this tasty wonder Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, minus the forever to unfold, and when it did the movie was
can be a social lubricant unparalleled to any weed and the humor. almost over. To sum it up, the whole thing was
other liquid I know of. But what happens when The characters are, for the most part, the awfully underwhelming for a film which got so
neopnle start drinking wine nut hest aspnect of this movie. many accolades from very prestigious critics.
of fancy, expensive bottles and Although they're forced to play Essentially, the problem with Sideways
make it their life's mission to out ridiculous antics and are is it seemed like the writers were trying too
quench their finely tuned given pretty dull lines to work hard to make a sophisticated comedy instead of
palate? The answer can be wit- with, the actors do a good job just telling a good story. At certain points in
nessed in the movie Sideways. making the viewer sort of care the movie I: felt like I was watching deleted
This critically about them in a semi-con- scenes of Fraser. I understood the barrage of
acclaimed film directed by cerned way. I think if the movie esoteric and pretentious references; they just
Anthony Payne (released on was cast differently, it would weren't all that funny or suitable. Films like
DVD April 5 by the way) is, in have failed automatically and this unfortunately make wine appear to be the
short, about a neurotic strug- no one would ever have both- choice beverage of snobby alcohol elitist and the
gling writer (Miles), -and his ered to go out and waste their French alike, when that's really not the case.
over-the-hill actor/man-slut money watching it. The scenery Good times and good people can be enjoyed with
friend (Jack) going on a tour of of the vineyards and the moun- cheap, working people's wine. Up till a week ago
vineyards in northern tains of northern California I believed in the former, but I was enlightened
California mainly to 1) find were nice, and it did offer by a stolen box of Peter Vella wine to the real-
that perfect bottle of wine and something unique to Sideways. ization that, in fact, wine is good for all people.
2) celebrate Jack's last days of Not that I know a whole lot It's really good. But Sideways isn't, so don't rent
bachelorhood before he gets about California, but I'd say it. There, I just saved you five dollars and two
married. Over the week-long vacation the pair that the north is the underrated part, which hours of your time if you intended on seeing it.
get beaten up, chased after, fucked around and Schwarzenegger has the power to terminate. The You owe me a box of wine.

-
Pig Desyer (Terrif Per)
S By Vincent Michael Festa
Before listening to Terrifyer, it is sound that lay underneath was refreshing; never enough as they continue to top themselves
advised that you get out of bed, take a shower, grindcore at super-high speeds to the point in the pressurization and decompression
dry yourself off, put on your deodorant, brush where it physic-ally woke fans up, pressurized department. "Towering Flesh" and
your hair, brush your teeth with the best tooth- heads, and induced real headaches. With relent- "Gravedancer" are the only tracks that clock out
paste, get dressed nicely, have a big breakfast, less maniac drumming, guitar riffs literally past three minutes and people who know Pig
then sit tight as Terrifyer gets underway, going in high-speed circles, and even sound- Destroyer know that it's a more than average
because you'll need all the polishing you can bytes and sound clips, Pig Destroyer made length. They are the crown jewels of the disc, if
before being slaughtered, battered, brutally itself a very highly respectable and most atten- there is even such a place in their world.
beaten, and aurally killed by the Washington tive act of its kind. Pig Destroyer's lyrics are of a special
DC trio. -Because after experiencing something Pig Destroyer is still the choice for touch: despite tearing it up as loud as inhuman-
like no other, there won't be anything else left. music-attention-deficit-disorder fans every- ly possible, the way all words are put together
It wasn't until around Autumn 2001 that where. Track times ranging from a mere ten sec- may end up being as cute, delicate and playful,
Pig Destroyer got the attention of the entire onds (at least :45 for Terrifyer) to more than mangled with devastating and wasteful, with no
death metal and grindcore scene that it three minutes mean that there is always some- use of commas.
deserved. Thanks to Relapse Records they thing to look forward towithouthitting the fast- Disc 2 shows another side of them never
issued 38 Counts of Battery, and when new forward button. Again, add that to its per- available or even possible until now: a 5.1
believers wanted more, Relapse then released formance speed that is faster than most of Surround Sound DVD of the total opposite of Pig
Prowler In The Yard and the rest was history. everything on the planet and it's definitely Destroyer, a soothing relaxer called "Natasha"
The band name itself warranted and going to wake up and then force those to stay up which may help you recuperate from the blur of
gained attention from ..... listening to Pig Destroyer. The aural imagery of which is them. This time Pig Destroyer take on
their entire discs when exposed for too long a much slower pace (amazing!), starting, drag-
could result in its own (and possibly your) ging, stopping, and starting again through one
schizophrenia. Think of The Locust except that gory dream and the messed-up psyche of
it's the horror version and not the sci-fi kind. Natasha. If you never had the time to catch a
Now we have Terrifyer, and it totally breather, this is it, all on this disc.
lives up to its name. The title alone exemplifies Now that more and more people will no
the brand of sound Pig Destroyer performs. This doubt be caught in their path like a deer in
time, however, it's a double disc. Disc 1 is the truck headlights, those who want more will be
real-side of them: the devastating, head-wash- happy to hear that two other releases have now
.ing, frantic, bloody mess that we all love and suddenly surfaced: Painter Of Dead Girls is a
expect them to be. Relentless, non-stop, all-the. collection of their split records and for those
way insanity. who need to have it all arid Explosions In Ward
It only takes just 40 seconds before the 6 is the most elusive in their back-catalogue
fun begins, from there it feels like blood wants and also being their first full-length (which
to burst right out of the band members flesh. thankfully reappears on 38 Counts Of Battery).
Pig Destroyer, like all of their previous albums, Any which way you get your hands on Pig
push for even faster speeds through pounding Destroyer, make sure they're clean and not be
machine-gun drums and whip-rush guitar work already red-handed, because when they start
that leave almost no sparsity, and not without coming around they will kick your ass, and they
J.R. Haye's nerve-damaging screaming. It's willbeat the living shit out of you.
Page 29
 Einsturzende NeuBauten (Kollaps, Strategy
Against Architectu re, Kalte Sterne)
By Vincent Michael Festa
Originating from Berlin in 1980, demonstrates vibrating and seething noise, and which came to the surprise of many EN fans and
Einsturzende Neubauten did what no other other tracks on the record feature samples of TV rivetheads, returning to their early years of
artist in any genre did: they defined a genre of and movies. All the while, the material featured "snap/crackle/pop!"
their own music exactly the way it should've here has its own form, unstructure, unpre- Kalte Sterne is more a wealth of materi-
sounded. Hearing the new wave of industrial dictability and demonstration: subliminal al taken from EN's Kollaps era, only this time
music now in 2005, it's all about keyboards, sounds coming out of nowhere and Bargeld's Kalte Sterne contains more new material than
programmed beats, dark evil voices, the color vocals yell, scream, shriek and agonize to add to the former two releases showcased here (only
black and a wicked sense of evil, despair, and ,the undisciplined, unstructured metal frame- two tracks were repeated). Aside from Kollaps
terror. In 1980 it was a totally different story, work turning nhvsical to aural. and SAA, which was more of a
as EN lived up to doing what they set out to do After that, it didn't "take it now" approach, Kalte
as they epitomized the term "industrial" and stop there, as Strategies Sterne becomes a stretch to
used power tools, jackhammers, coils1 metal-on- Against Architecture was listen to, as the speed of most-
metal percussion, homemade instruments and released shortly thereafter as ly everything becomes slower.
other structures to create and define the indus- EN's first retrospect, and For those who love poundings,
trial sound. offered' more of the same, but EN delivers giving various
Starting as a performance art group of only in a slightly more varied grades of its pre-structured
Bargeld and N.U. Unruh, Einsturzende and different dose. Containing aggressi o n- romrslow-Vmarch-
Neubauten later added Beate Bartel and Gudrun Kollaps in its entirety, the CD ing, to totally restless percus-
Gut. The latter two left and were replaced with featured -new and different sion, to the point where at
chief machine operator of the group F.M. tracks from Kollaps (which also times EN try to take hand at
Einheit, and eventually released Kollaps after a had added material). The most acting like a real rock band.
series of EP and tape releases. Kollaps would be interesting cut here is the hell- Their chaos also
what the previous releases were: unstructured ish and scalding-hot "Zum Tier sounds and feels a little dif-
noises grating, pounding and damaging as a Machen", which is an ever- ferent on Kalte Stern, because
result of EN damaging and abusing their instru- changing journey-aural it's possible that this is EN's
ments as well as wrecking listeners' hearing. through struggle, agony and earliest material, showing
Though Neubauten's earlier work reflected pain as evidenced by Bargeld's their yet-experience side oI
Bargeld's earlier life and psyche, it always was heavy shrieking and where an autopsy machine things. And normally they wouldn't have been
visibly more about noise and music and music was used. "Negative Nein" journeys through the using electronics or synths in their music up
as art, and with that came the physical aspect of murky waters, "Schwarz" takes off in a totally until when other industrial artists started to
what is true industrial music: the action of different direction of "Tanz Debil" as its intro remix them. Astroblaster techniques and some
physically working with real everyday materi- becomes the song itself humming all-the way sound-blasted tape and record noises will throw
als to produce music. Never mind that the group through, and EN makes its first treads through hardcore EN fans off the assembly belt. Also,
uses power tools, they prove that music can be at least some definitive song structure in "Kalte industrial darling Lydia Lunch makes one of
made with some very unconventional means. Sterne". Oddly enough, the fact that one of the her very first appearances anywhere showing
Kollaps was the-first available and ear- music tracks was physically stolen is also the off her spoken-word talents, sounding like a
liest document of their works. "Tanz Debil" musical aspect of itself and appears here. craggly worn-out hag introducing all the blood-
lashes out and its guitar strings twang out of Figure it out. suckers and leeches, complimenting the tonal
order, as its statements are about those who From there, EN refined their music feelings of Kalte Sterne and defining most of the
have greed as a debilitation. Criss-crossing, without ditching their metal-on-metal ethos, overall quality of the album.
alternating percussion runs through "Steh Auf releasing albums such as Tabula Rasa, Ende It's great to experience this side of them,
Berlin" and starts only after a jackhammer Neu, Silence Is Sexy and Perpetuum Mobile. or anything other than conventional music, for a
attack, and the title track crawls through, pick- They also never forgot where they came from. change. For that we thank EN and Mute for
ing and stringing itself out slowly. "Jet'm" Issued from Koch last year is Kalte Sterne, releasing more of their unreleased material.
 New Order - Waiting For The Sirens' Call
By Brian Wasser, Tiffany Russo, and Paula Guy
Brian Wasser: Tiffany Russo: Paula Guy:

Too bad you can't dance to most of the Until recently I had never heard New When it comes to New Order, I am biased
songs on this. Or can you? I miss Temptation. Order, besides the horrible cover of Blue towards love. So this review of "Waiting for the
Is this god-like genius? Give it a year. Why are Monday by Orgy, and I am sad for this. I Sirens' Call" is not objective. It is a love story, in
they still making music? Because they're New wish I could have been a New Order fan for which I wank allover New Order. In saying this,
Order. Why does it always sound new? Same much longer, but to make up for lost time I I was reasonably scared when the first song "Hey
answer. If they play True Faith at Hammerstein, am going to a concert in May, having unoffi- Joe", kicked in, as it is full of guitar, and does not
I'll be happy. I hate Hammerstein. Ican't wait cial New Order dance parties wherever I go, make me immediately want to jump up and dance
for the inevitable dance remixes. "Jetstream" and listening to the new album with open like a retard..Too many guitars. No! Make them
sounds middle-aged, but it makes me happy. I ears. The new album has a different sound stop! Thankfully, New Order was only teasing me,
like guitars, but not this much. But this is New than of most of the New Order songs I have like a sadistic asshole, because the rest of the
Order, we have to love it; let it sink in, and previously heard. The first two songs are album is much more beat-full, and conducive to
maybe "Guilt Is A Useless Emotion" will find its rather mellow, kind of head boppin' type of dance. Peter Hook's bass does its sexy thing;
way onto future Carlos the DJ mixes. This is no songs, not quite the "dance like you don't Bernard Sumner serenades you with his lazy
Technique, but New Order sound reinvigorated. care what people are saying" type of songs, Britishness. There are pieces of lovely.
It's 2005, and the songs are fresh, but some- but the melodies are nonetheless catchy. "Morning Night and Day," for example, is held
thing about it still bring back memories of when And yet maybe too cheesy, but at the same together with a hypnotic little riff, which trances
I was little. Which is good. It's also good that time warmly optimistic with lyrics like one into a state nearing happiness. "Jetstream,"
they don't seem to be falling into the same trap "You've gotta hold your head up high,. You is even more excellent, with crafty keyboards
almost every "older" band eventually falls into. know it's not too late to try, You've gotta lift and an anthem-like chorus. Structurally, the
"Working Overtime" sounds like The Stooges. that heavy load, You've gotta get back in con- songs on "Waiting for the Sirens' Call," are less
Overall, I still wish I had been old enough to lis- trol, Why don't you put that gun right down. creative than New Order's older material. There
ten to New Order, and appreciate them, back in Before you kill the love you found..." I like are less random, loopy pieces, which wander off
the mid-80's. And yet, minus Gillian, it's the the beat of "Guilt is a useless emotion," but mid-song for their own jam session. However, this
same band, just different songs, most with the there's something about the background album still makes me dance like an imbecile.
same timeless energy. If New Wave is the only singers that reminds me of a Maroon 5 type "Guilt is a Useless Emotion," swings and ham-
music that can make my white ass dance, then song. My favorite song on the new album as mers at your subconscious dance-buttons like
pop that resonates with the echoes of that past, of now has to be "Morning night and day", the best of New Order. New Order is still my
I guess, is the next best thing. That said, I'll mainly for the bass line, and the lyrics, favorite old Manchester-folk. I give them three
stick to the old stuff, the stuff that still sounds which remind me of the kind of nights I've and a half out of five hugs. Actually, I give them
more dynamic than this album. That is, I would, been having lately, "I hit the floor in a pile all my hugs. I love them, they are awesome, and I
if the new songs hadn't already stuck. of dust". am going to be dancing to them at the
Hammerstein Ball Room on May 5.

Unsane (Blood Run)

By Vincent Michael Festa
To the guys of Unsane, Halloween came keep their "Kings Of..." title. Star ting off with drunken miserable luck. *It also marks Dave
six months earlier this year. Good. the highly corrosive "Backslide," it shows that Curran's first attempt at supplying the same
Here's a reason to have a Brooklyn-type they're still in the same shape as they were hungry vocals on an Unsane record like he usu-
welcome-back party. Unsane release Blood Run since OccupationalHazardwith Ch ris Spencer's ally does as part of [J.J. Paradise] Player's Club.
after an eight-year hiatus as themselves but not howl, Dave Curran's stretch-an 1-slide tech- On "Latch", Curran brings back some of the
from making music as members played with niques, and Vince Signorelli's ul tra-cymballic spirit of what was "Smells Like Rain" on their
Cutthroats 9 and the [J.J. Paradise] Players drum taste and battery. Later on it gets better: OccupationalHazard record. The most Unsane?
Club. Between eight years and these two bands "Killing Time" re-introduces Un!sane's trade- It's gonna have to be "D Train," the super-
there were no shortage of experiencing danger mark cooled-out mellow slides an d stark navi- charged blowout extravaganza that ends up
from the Unsane trio: while they were away, gation of hard-driving guitar. Th( e treacherous being the fullest. The ender, "Dead Weight,"
Cutthroats 9 were the tougher, rougher, higher "Release" adds more element of danger to the brings back memories of "Get Off My Back" and
clarity side of things while the Smattered, Smothered, and Covered,
Players Club were the free-- is a fitting way to end the record on
wheeling tough-guys looking for a slow, disastrous, and devastating
a daring and dangerous time. end.
Now that Unsane is back, the real Otherwise, there is only a minor
main critical danger begins.. and flaw. The overall quality and form of
ends with them. "Anything" changes abruptly.
Why will it? Because the Unfortunately, both alter egos and
blood-soaked cover art says s ocalists don't exactly match well
and it always had been on all ol ith each other.
their records, matching All the while, Unsane retains a
Unsane's ferocity, identity, and lot of their drag-down, knockout, and
situation as noise-rock kings. beat-up viciousness. The use of a
And with Chris Spencer's vocals couple of new techniques and record-
and lyrics accompanying their ing frequencies may give Unsane fans
driving, wrangling, fight-for- a need for the group to use more of
your-life sound with such out- that to maybe max-out Unsane's
iu 1Ai
QaL a an -n,% anu fic-
Ind t•Inti;l l . fn ;1iLiALi-'n
dIII r thi; n 5 kr-
gouig cLrazLlessa, agulny, U U IIus- aU1
UloLi•LUI
e oIIIUUcnllg unsoNI llegarl-
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tration, Unsane could match a murder or crime disc and perfectly sets up Spencer' s critical and , head-, and'tooth-aches.
scene in a movie or even real-life. gut-wrenching vocal skills. Now that the new Unsane album is here,
Blood Run continues the tradition of For those still alive afte r track four, feel free to lock your doors, windows, and hide
harrowing noise-rock pioneered by them. At "Make Them Pay" and "Hammere( d Out" shows your loved ones, that is unless you love to find
times it also brings back some of their elements that Unsane can slug it out blue s-rock style, yourself in the middle of a no-holds-barred
from their previous albums helping them to with "Hammered Out" being more down on its action noise-rock assault.

Page 31
 Laughing Shock
I By Yevgeniy Deyko
We take our seats. The curtain never often our only way of escaping the monotonous applause. The salesman-like tone and voice of
lifts. A surprise is never reveled. The stage is traps that many of our lives become. This main Josh Lucas is a bull's-eye for the character of
naked to our view. The audience sits, and I won- and profound point reaches a pinnacle and can- the gentleman caller.. Although at times both
der as to the whereabouts of the fireplace with not be more blatantly obvious than when Tom the actors of Tom and the much awaited gentle-
the overbearing photo of Mr. Wingfield looming talks about the movies that he watches. Tom's man caller are at awkward and unnatural, as if
over it. The lights grow weak, and the acting obsession with movies, which the audience finds the two actors momentarily lost their lines.
starts. as another point of uncomfortable laughter, I applaud the performance overall, and
So I sit up above the prestigious floor overtly depicts the struggle we as individuals would recommend that it be seen once by all,
ia-- •A .
seats in the balcony, waiting patiently for the face in society to escape once. Aiter naving
play to unfold its life. Having already read the monotonous and wasted lives read the play, it
play I find the humor dry, and I cringe as the Although the actin equires some bear-
spokes of monotony are driven through my ears. was not an overwhelmini ing and patience on
The play is an intellectual play; which enter- success, where the audienc( the viewers' part to
tains less and teaches more. I understand that would be driven ferventli get through this dia-
and keep my ears open and at attention. into the story, it was an over logue dependent
Although for most, the ideas that the play vents all pleasant and successfu .ntellect play. I
are uncomfortable gusts of air to breathe in. performance. Through th regret to say that I
Peels of laughter burst from the audience as character of Mrs. Wingfielh ould have simply
Mrs. Amanda Wingfield, played by the lumi- Lange did inspire a feeling ( een content with
nous Jessica Lange, says to her son, Tom, that repulsion with her chara( eading the play on
her daughter, Laura, "thinks that [Tom] does not ter's purblind joviality. TI )aper. It is a play
like it here." It is also apparently amusing, or ignorance is bliss mentalii hat was written more
uncomfortable, to an overwhelming majority of that Lange portrayed wi or paper than the
the audience when Amanda finally admits that expertise, where she r< Being comprehensive-
her daughter is a cripple. The idea that is hopeful and optimistic in v Swith the plot and
exhibited here is that we all distort our every- action that somehow her daughter and son could theme of the play, it is drudgery to go
day realities in one fashion or another, and be normal and succeed in the life they lead through it yet again. Time can be better spent,
watching this I am saddened by this theatrical infuriates the audience with pity and contempt. Like the playwright himself wrote through the
version of neuroticism that I see on a daily The borderline retarded psychology of the character of Tom, "I sit in the dark and watch
basis. The castles that we bi ild in that sky, domesticated daughter and the resentful yet adventure enacted." What I want, though, is to
which are our hopes, wishes find dreams, are sympathetic behavior of Tom also deserves some experience this trite adventure for myself.

Trojan Shared The Stony

Pleasure Condoms Brook Press
By Dr. FistFuck
Recently, I took a few of these on a ral body activated moisturized warmness."
test drive with a willing female friend of And, in my small-brain thinking for the
mine. Now, on the box, the condoms are big-brain haste, I bought the econosized
lahbeled as "Warm ,pn.sation. box (twelve condomsT for a costly $19.99.
Lubricant." And pesos. Nearly ten
of the box expla your average latex,
further detail, "Wa oms for a box of
lubrication activC
by natural bo< partner was squeal-
moisture, release ght at the added
gentle, warm sen- combo, obviously
sations for both complete opposite
partners." Sounds
frickin' awesome! [aybe that's the pay-
As with re sensation, or sex-,
most safe-sex fnal Rincer- ch recan't
devices, they are ugh of the warming
geared towards th
woman's pleasure
sation and wants
more of me. Maybe, Where all the
kind of forget that that's the "shared
wrapped around a
Ribbed For Her Ple
pleasure" catch..
Well, any-
lonely women are.
this and other item way, they are not
thinking a condom worth $20 out of
ened male sensation, instead of that garden
hose wrapped-.round-my-dick feeling.
Now, here to my delight, as if answering my
your college trust
fund, and they certainly do not live up to,
the advertising on the box.
Meetings
dreams, is Shared Pleasure! I was like a
giddy schoolboy unwrapping his first con-
Definitely, two willies down.
Harry the Helpful Hemoglobin says,
Wednesdays
traband copy of Playboy as I tore into the
box.
"Always use a willing, age-of-consent
partner. Otherwise, it may result in some at: 1 pm
I was sorely (thank God not literal- uncomfortable jail time. Oh, and always
ly) disappointed. The condoms felt slight-
ly thicker than normal, and I actually had
practice safe sex, too." Union room 060
more of a numbing sensation than a "natu-

Page 32
 Songs of Pensive Soulofa
By Michael Prazak
Ireland I've often been here proclaiming that the
band Rufio might be a little better if they'd slow
down some of their beats and let the listener
Harper
By William Lewis enjoy their harmonies. It seems that in a round- By William Lewis
about manner the band Pensive has proved me
This year at ICON 24 we had the wrong. Their chord structures are immaculate, Gabh eolas Rubh' a' Bhaird air. (Scottish
chance to have the Brobdingnagian Bards to the vocal harmonies layered carefully with a Gaelic: Take it like the Bard's point). Marc Gunn,
perform some of their songs. One of the meticulous attention to detail. Each track of the other half of the Brobdingagian Bards, had
albums that the Brobdingnagian Bards have this CD is scrutinized with such manic energy released his first solo album Soul of a Harper
made, that happens to feature some of the that scarcely a genuine moment squeaks only in 2003. The album is a pleasant soulful
songs that were -played here by the through. In short, it's a highly polished and sound of a bard that has traveled well over this
Brobdingnagian Bards, is the album Songs of sparkling piece of corporate art. world. Only 13 tracks long, Marc Gunn with his
Ireland. Songs of Irelandis a nice collection The songs themselves aren't necessarily autoharp sings of meaningful melodies of Celtic
of songs that you would be lucky to hear at bad; they just don't belong here on my CD play- origins.
your local Irish pub or at different Irish er, bare and naked before my ears. They belong
folk shows. in the background of some coming-of-age teen
Some songs like "Rocky Road to comedy, where they'd serve to bolster the feel-
Dublin," "Finnegan's Wake," "Come Out Ye good atmospihere. A CD in search of a back-
Black and Tans," and the "Rising of the ground film it seems, like the entire thing was
Moon" happen to be some of the many other composed with marketability in mind. I feel
songs that have been covered by such famous slightly bad remarking on these aspects, as the
Irish groups like The Irish Rovers and the CD is still music after all, and countless bands
Clancy Brothers, yet the Brobdingnagian do the very same.
Bards cover the songs just as well with a tra- However, I felt it was important to get
ditional sound. With the mix of a recorder, that little irksome bit out of the way, as it now
mandolin and autoharp, the Brobdingnagian allows me to more carefully consider the music With the start of the album, Marc Gunn
Bards are able to put a traditional sound on on the CD. As mentioned before, it's not a bad starts off with one of the more heart touching
all the songs that are not commonly heard in CD, and perhaps to a specific demographic it songs "The Bridge," which sounds like a lover
a traditional sound. would be nothing short of CD spindle fodder, who is trying to- reconnect with his love that he
Though some of the songs on this wearing away at the motors of a 14 year-old is at odds with. From the tone of his voice and
album are of a serious nature such as "Come girl's portable CD player,. I guess I've given speed on his autoharp Marc is able to convey to
Out Ye Black and Tans" and "Patriot Game," away what I think about it though. It essential- the listener the feeling that ripples at the heart
which happen to deal with the matter of ly sounds like pop-punk's stab at the over-pro- and soul of the singer as the album progresses in
being a Patriot. for ones beliefs, other songs duced gloss that made Lincoln Park so success- its manner. True, some songs that Marc Gunn
such as "Big Strong Man" and "The Unicorn ful. This is an admirable quality, especially in sings and strums out are light hearted, but the
Song," happen to be both light hearted songs. our market. However, I am a 24 year-old tired album on the whole is a spiritual path of one
With an added twist to the Irish Rover's song and listless college student, so I'm less inclined person's travels. The tone of Marc's voice is one
"The Unicorn Song," the Brobdingnagian to be embracing, of a man that has seen much as a singer and is
Bards change the ending to help stop Marc This first and second track alone set the able to express his feelings in the most moving
Gunn from crying in the midst of the song mood, and it's at first very easy to fall into the songs that he is able to play and sing unaided by
over the thought that the Unicorn just hap- general mood. Well, that is, until around track his autoharp.
pens to drown in the song. Songs of Ireland 7 or 8 when you start thinking, "what's going on If someone you know loves traditional
is an up paced pub song-filled album that is in the world right now, I think NPR was going to Celtic/Scottish music then Marc's album Soul of
good for people of all ages, and you don't do some interview with a very important so-and- a Harperis a must-get for them. With an amaz-
have to be either Irish or Scottish to enjoy so." BBC World Service suddenly becomes that ing solo voice and touching sounds of his auto-
the album for the traditional sound that it much more urgent in your mind, and you casu- harp Marc is able to put someone into the point
has to offer the listener. You can get a copy ally flip it on, And the comparison becomes of view of this solo Bard as he sings from a love
of this album and is its 19 tracks at that much more congealed in its uppity British of life point of view, ranging from heartfelt songs
http://www.thebards.net/cds/ for only tones. such as "The Bridge" to "My Love is Like a Red,
$12.95. Red Rose" and to "Buttercup's Lament."
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Page .33
 Aphex Twin (Analord Series 1-5)
By Vincent Michael Festa
I couldn't believe what I read about thinking about how to get the new Aphex out a lot of that moist, juicy, succulent acid as
Aphex Twin. No, it's not about him making new records anyway because I do needto have every- right angles with those angles helping Aphex
material solely consisting of goat noises and thing, like those blasted Pokemon creatures, I look even more like Autechre on "Midi Evil Rave
conversations about women's tits, or releasing decided to order Analord 1-5 from my friendly 1" and its twin (pun intended) "Midi Evil Rave
another close to near imaginary record (Q- overseas.recotd store in Leeds, UK who luckily 2". "Klop Job" is absolute Aphex weirdness
Chastic, anyone?). Nothing like that, but an took my hard-earned money well-concealed with a tingy yet ominous and mysterious synth-
entirely different joke, as Aphex Twin (Richard inside a cutesy Easter Bunny card (thanks line running past toggly acid lines, with its
D. James) is in the midst of releasing 12 12" EPs Norman Records!) sunnier sister "Boxing Day" tapping along
of new material, one of which will be really Indeed the first half of the Analord starting the EP Caustic Window-wise.
expensive since it came with the series limited- series has its many technical high points: most Analord 4 may give Aphex fans good
edition binder, which is already asking for a' of the pace and speed of the cuts on the first five memories of the Hangable Auto Bulb series upon
high price. records go nice and easy. Even the various hearing "Crying In Your Face." After that, the
Called the Analord EPs, these are 12 new track-listing references and pictures of Aphex' EP goes in the way of the nicer side of the
releases from Aphex himself consisting of ana- equipment means that it's all about the techni- Caustic Window tracks, with a much more stead-
logue sounds used from Richard's mammoth cal aspect of things. ier drive but with somewhat of lesser, easier
analogue synth collection plus drum machines, deviation with some of its tracks.
keys, and other homemade kits used over the Analord 5 has only two tracks but take
years. They are still scheduled to be released their course very thoroughly. Various samples
(all 12 of them) during the first half of this make their appearances fading in and out dur-
year. Analord 10 was released with a special ing "Reunion 2," where an unbalanced synth-
photo album-like binder to house the other 12" line and drum pattern match forming a founda-
EPs. tion to keep the track scribbling on itself.
I do have almost all of Aphex' work, the fact that "Cilonen," on the other side of the record, is a
some of it is extremely rare and expensive more structurally balanced serving making this
leaves a hole in my collection much desired to EP upbeat.
be replaced. Hearing that this Aphex' new Overall, the first half of the series keeps
release is a series and yet another wacky pub- the spirit of his releases alive. With Aphex
licity stunt from this "Funny Little Man," I almost never repeating the same album twice,
immediately went into a huge scare trying to Analordretains its own sound and identity.
figure out how to pay for this one and count the The material is new, but the ideas and
remaining fingers on my hands while trying to techniques somewhat aren't, despite that the
mark my calendar on how and when to get the fact that sounds and samples coming out of
other Aphex records. homemade synths may make no difference as if
This is typical Aphex Twin tomfoolery. they weren't homemade. In fact, some of the run-
So far, he has released obscure titles under ning themes of Aphex run very prominent
obscure names (Gak and Power Pill), different across the first five records (Analord 6-11 are
versions of-titles, and releasing innovative and not available yet as of press time). This doesn't
intelligent material in small print runs in the disqualify Aphex's Analord releases as being
hundreds (the Caustic Window series), so bad, all the while his sound is moderate enough
Aphex Twin fanatics are going for broke in get- for anyone to enjoy.
ting everything Aphex because it is ground- Analord 1 starts the entire series as It's somewhere in the middle though:
breaking material. Somewhere in the UK, Aphex Aphex gets to the point with squiggly acid challengers will assess that to very heavy out-
is smiling deviously while at other times mind- drops guiding along boiling synthlines put in a short amount of time, evident of the lack
ing his own business whistling, as he is the ("Steppingfilter 101") followed by a twenty- of proof of artistic evolution and progress which
mastermind of how his work is put out, and fans second game of staticky synths and spittle beats is not the case since Aphex has been evolving
are stillgoing crazy over it. ("Canticle Crawl"). The record picks it up at and progressing for almost 20 years. On the
Then again, it could be worse: if you "MC4 Acid" with heavier acid intake while you other side of the coin, Aphex might have done
were an IDM fan back in 2000, would you have could swear that R2D2 guest-starred on "unti- these works over time and has keptwith the
known about a monthly series of CDs about the tied." More trickery and games ensue when the theme of analog-only works when the time was
final 20 minutes of the year 2000 by Raster- speeds double on "Grumpy Acid" and "158b right.
Noton? Could you have kept up with Psychic TV Analord." But give Aphex some big credit, as he
on their Guinness-world-record-breaking Analord 2 consists of mostly steady clearly gives the idea of this music only coming
release schedule during their late 80's heyday? flowing bodyrock with a much more evident from his home-made machines, and has given
Or if you were a hardcore Merzbow collector, presence of synth-tone. The key track is fans a wealth of new Aphex material on top of
would you seriously consider shelling out at "Laricheard" which could double as discarded releasing another ambitious project. But next
least $500 for a 50 CD and miscellany box set? material from close friend Autechre's LP5. time; spare us the huge gimmicks and the black
Desoite having to stress myself out A nal,.rA ? the khtter nf thp fivp thrnwn markePt svst.erm nnticsl

Page 34
 Can You Take Me to Jodelle
Delancey Street...to (TheAdventures
DELANCEY STREET!
By Chris Williams ofJodele)
April 12 - The call was sounded, "Free Haroon Naderi, senior and president of the
Food Upstairs!" The troops assembled and ran Muslim Student Association, described By Dustin Herlich
upstairs. The Press staff ran into the smiles of "Delancey Street" as "awesome." Andrew When you put the CD into a Mac, iTunes
two ushers at the entrance of "Delancey Street." Morgan, Food Service Director of The Bleacher comes up and tells you that this is a rock CD. Now,
"Delancey Street" will be the new glatt Club, said, "Excitement like this is conta- I have to say, this CD is definitely not the kind of
kosher eatery in the Stony Brook Union. The gious." Lee Margulies, freshman, said that rock I was expecting. From what I understand
term "kosher" refers to both an ethnic style of "Delancey Street" was a "good move for Hillel oddly enough just as I was listening to the CD,
cuisine and, more specifically, the adherence and the Stony Brook community. It allows the Jodelle herself was right upstairs in the
to Jewish religious dietary laws. These laws community to come together." University Cafe. If I had known I would have for-
include the absence of pork and the ritualistic, Sharing a meal can unite people. saken my headphones for a live performance. Oh
humane slaughter of specific animals. The However, the preparation of food cannot. well, such is life.
term "glatt" adds to "kosher" by stating that "The food is ok," said Junaid Arshad,
food was not only prepared under rabbinical junior. He added, "Some people wouldn't eat
supervision, but the most strict rabbinical here ["Delancey Street"] because they think
supervision. The rabbinical supervision is that it doesn't meet the standards of halal.
provided by the Hillel Foundation for Jewish Nothing personal." Similar to Jews and the
Life, which collaborated with the Faculty concept of "kosher," Muslims have the concept
Student Association (FSA) in developing of "halal." The basic halal laws also include
"Delancey Street." avoiding the consumption of pork and pork by-
The name "Delancey Street"_ refers to products. These laws also stress the humane
"New York's old Lower East Side, the Jewish slaughter of specific animals. Sister Sanaa
immigrant neighborhood of the late 1 9th and Nadim, Chaplain for the Muslim Student
early 2 0 th centuries." A paper marquee and Association, said that "[Muslims] can eat the
pristine steel kitchen provide a sneak peek of food of the People of the Book [Jews and
the venue. As klezmer music (Eastern Christians], as long as it adheres to dietary
European traditional jazz) played in the air, laws of halal." Similar to the laws for "kosher"
the trays of food hint at the impending delights in the Torah, the laws for "halal" are available
of the Fall 2005 opening. to Muslims through the Quran.
Besides kosher hot dogs and knishes, a Kevin Kelly, director of the FSA, said
variety of foods were presented: hot pastrami, that "Delancey Street" is "open for everybody"
corned beef, and rugalach. "There will be a and "more inviting." He also observed that the
fixed deli menu, and special lunch and dinner deli will be located closer to the Interfaith
dishes," said Hillel Director Rabbi Joseph Center of such a "multi-cultural campus." Moving on with the actual CD, I have to say
Topek. He also mentioned that kosher sushi However, Sister Sanaa revealed that she had no the cover art was nice and the little booklet inside
might be an occasional delicacy. input into the design of the cafeteria. She actually had the song lyrics printed on the inside.
With the astonishing variety of foods, learned about project details through Rabbi That's a little thing I am peculiar about. I really
there appears to be competition with the Joseph Topek. like when an artist does that, and I actually can't
Kosher Cafeteria of the Roth Quad Dining Hall. Perhaps, there can be plans for a halal stand not having the lyrics, especially when there
"There will be no competition with Roth," said cafeteria. As Kevin Kelly revealed, the Roth are parts of the song where the lyrics are hard to
Noah Aronin, sophomore and president of the Dining Hall will undergo renovations. As a comprehend. The album itself again I'd consider
Hillel. Rabbi Topek stated that "Delancey result, the restaurants will be moved. The less rock, and more folk. It's something that
Street" will be a "replacement for the Kosher hours of operation for "Delancey Street" are would be very at home on WFUV.
Cafe." Why? "Because it's better," he said. pending. For more information about It's actually not a terrible CD, just not
Noah agreed, "It's a huge improvement." "Delancey Street," please visit www.campus- what I'd normally listen to. It's soothing, fairly
The preview amazed many people. dining.org. innocuous. The production value of the CD is
pretty high. It's the kind of thing you'd want to
listen to when you are making dinner on a Sunday

Lovedrug afternoon, or when you're out on the back porch

sipping Sangria. The CD is mellow enough to be
good background music but not overly so, thus
turning it into glorified elevator music. Certainly
Pretend You'reAlive it's not what you would hear at the dentist's office
either. It's good to hear music like this coming
out these days. It's certainly not pop, and very
By David K. Ginn much not commercial.
Good. The CD is well put together and the songs,
while clearly all follow the same general sound of
the artist, are different enough to actually be sep-
arate songs, unlike something such as Dave
Matthews which can only hope to be a tenth of
what this album is. I would be interested in hear-
ing this artist do something a little heavier actu-
ally, a little more "rock" and less folk. Her voice
is really easy to listen to and with something a
little harder behind it, you could really have
something unique. It's good enough to sell, but
thankfully too unique for it to be the newest pop
sensation.

Page 35
 43ck9
bute
Presented by the Cabaret

A HAIRy Retrose
- By Liz Lamendola, Director of Hair
It seems like we just started working on learned yet.
Hair last week. I still can't come to grips with Then there was the lighting situation.
the fact that I don't have to be at rehearsals The lights in the space just didn't work. So a
every night (I still don't know if that is a good small group of us gave up sleep, during that week
thing or a bad thing). that we opened, to try to get anything to work.
Why Hair? Why, out of all the musicals Which, through the power of donated dimmers
in the world that I could have chosen, did I and cable and many electrical-savvy friends, we
choose this one? Well, first of all, I already did did. We put together some mighty fine light
Pirates of Penzance, so that one was out of the cues. (Go Sarah!) The set? We couldn't get the
question (as much fun as singing and dancing scaffolding that I originally wanted, so I changed
pirates are, there is only so much I can take); my mind to a really big platform. The week
and secondly, I have wanted to direct this show before we went up, we realized the platform
since I found out it existed?ab ut the time I was wouldn't work, so we used the crate idea (which,
in high school. At that time, the show was only I don't care?I think the crates were better than
known to me as the "naked" show?since, when all of my other ideas put together). Stress? I
this show came out, nudity and lewd behavior on don't know the meaning of the word?just keep me
stage were unheard of. Hair's popularity was stock full of Red Bull, alcohol and nicotine!
primarily based off a groovy soundtrack and It was about that time that I noticed the
"let's go see the naked people!" And hey, I men- cast started coming together?like they really
tioned this in my director's biography (in the were becoming a little Tribe of their own? which
program) and I am going to mention it again:
there are so many parallels to the late 60's,
early 70's and today?just look around you. Do
is great! 'It did so much for the dynamic of the
show! On top of that, they started taking matters
into their own hands (not all of which attempts I
Straight-Up
we really belong in Iraq? Did we ever belong in
Vietnam? How about the "moral fiber" of our
Nation; are we really that excited to have a
"president" who thinks it is his job to dictate to
am that thrilled about...but they meant well, all
the same), they knew their music (even the
'unlearned' music) front to back (not so much
sideways) and they were willing to do anything
Review
us his own freako belief system? History is and everything; they were all just falling in love
repeating itself?we have soldiers dying every with the show. And that has to be one of the By Dustin Herlich
day, and it has reached the point where these greatest feelings in the world?to see the people There are several kinds of hair. There
soldiers aren't recognized as people?they have working on your show, on your baby, to get that is the hair that grows on your head, the hair
become numbers. This is the world in which we same love for it. that your pet sheds off onto you, and the kind
live...this is a parallel to the world in which the Now, I would be lying if I were to say that that makes you really enjoy a few moments of
characters in Hair lived (but they had cooler we were backed 110% by this fabulous institu- life. Thankfully, the kind of hair I am review-
clothes). tion, because I think there were only a handful ing is the latter. Hair, the musical, was per-
But enough about theatre history?let's of theatre faculty who were truly behind this formed April 7ththrough the 10thin the year
jump to working on this show. We had a great show, and I don't even knowhow many from other 2005. The performers, however, warp you back
turn-out for auditions from people of many dif- departments. When I first transferred to this more towards 1965 (although- the play first was
ferent majors?not just theatre and s4usic?who school, I was informed that Stony Brook "doesn't performed in 1968). The production is a fair-
were extremely talented, our production staff do musicals." However, speaking from the two ly well known one and to see it done on stage at
was the best anyone could ask for and we were in years that I have been here, we may not be able a university may seem like it is not being given
the hunt for a band (the hunt that continued up to do musicals, but we can do an homage to treatment it deserves.
until the week of the show). The rehearsals Theresa Rebeck? Oh, don't even get me started. I beg to differ. The musical is probably
started off great?and then God decided that she Now, Hair was successful. Yeah, we had best suited right here at a place like Stony
was going to throw some sticks in the road for problems?but no more or less than any other Brook, and not at all in a large corporate the-
us...little things like: the leads were all getting show (well, minus our little band problem...once ater on Broadway. The show is about free love,
sick, the Tribe was getting sick, we had more again thank you oh great and wonderful band). free thought and true happiness. Who better to
snow days than Alaska, evening classes, car The only complaint that has been brought to my convey these ideal than the students" who actu-
problems, other department shows...and the list attention was that the venue wasn't big ally still hold these beliefs? The quality of the
goes on and on. So, about halfway through the enough?but, hey, that wasn't my call. I think we acting was very good, with some performers
music rehearsals, we realized that the first act learned a valuable lesson here?musicals can be standing out as true future stars. The Fanny
wasn't done...and the second act? Well, let's not done and people do want to see them. So what's Brice Theater is a great venue for a show like
talk about that. the big deal? Ok, that's enough of my ranting this. The tightly packed room definitely helps
I am a firm believer of not blocking any- and raving. If you want to talk about it some put people in the spirit of togetherness,
thing until the music is learned and embedded more, all you have to do is hunt me down?I'm in whether they like it or not.
in the actors' minds...well, when we had t minus the theatre all the time...hahaha. *ahem * The hard work and dedication that went
three weeks til opening, I decided to say, "Screw However, in closing I would just like to say: Hair into this show is obvious. Considering that the
that! Time to learn some dancin' !" So, there we was awesome! Hippies are cool! I love you all!
were?blocking a show that they hadn't quite And fuck you, Bush!"

Page 36
 Punjabi Music Gets Me So High, or
the Second Annual Bais akhi Banquet
By Chris Williams
The cool night grew cold as I ran. I was being so late. I was told that it was ok. I was name 'Singh,' meaning 'lion' in Persian. The
late. Hurriedly, I bought a ticket, and rushed to strangely reassured to hear that I was only ten females would take the name 'Kaur,' meaning
the ballroom. When I arrived at Ballroom A of. minutes late. "What?" I said. Then, I was told 'princess' which symbolized equality, courage,
the Student Activities Center, the speaker was that the event started on Indian Standard Time. kindness, steadfastness, and leadership. The
already talking. At least three other people knowingly agreed. founders of Sikhism created Khalsa to encourage
I thought that the banquet was supposed I flipped through the event's program. I individuals to stand up for their own civil
to start at 7:30 PM. The program said the remembered last year's banquet, the First rights and religious freedoms for all."
Baisakhi Banquet was at 7 PM. At least, I was Annual Baisakhi Banquet. It was better known The Bhangra team received a tremendous
correct about. the date: March 31, 2005. I sat as the Sikh Awareness Banquet. I was vaguely applause. The crowd absorbed the dancers.
and composed myself. Slowly, I looked at the knowledgeable about Sikhism. Later, Rickidon Then, people were encouraged to go to the dance
stage and I absorbed the speaker's words. Singh, the newly elected Vice President of the floor. A few brave individuals went.
Sapreet Saluja spoke of her time in- Sikh Student Association, informed me about I realized that lower lighting would set a
Kenya as a US Peace Corps business volunteer. Sikhism. better mood. My glasses fell off my face. After
With a clear voice, she described how wonderful Sikhism is a monotheistic faith originat- I returned my glasses, my vision was strange. I
and difficult her life was with her Kenyan fam- ing in the Punjab region of India. It recognizes lost a lens. Then, the lights were dimmed.
ily. The difficulty was the result of the impov- God as the only god. Unlike some other I scrambled to find the lens as people
erished living conditions of the country. As monotheistic faiths, Sikhism does not recognize walked. Then, I left to get a flashlight.
with many experiences, it ended. She described Avtarvada, a physical incarnation of God. I saw the performers of DDKY, the
her reluctant separation from her Kenyan fami- Moreover, according to Sikhism, humans are Korean percussion group. They were dressed in
ly. To her, the sense of family and community responsible for their own actions. Immunity bold, yellow, red, blue and black colors. I also
was great. Her relationship grew beyond that of cannot be claimed from the results of their own saw the brothers of the Muslim Student
Peace Corps volunteer. She developed an actions. (In other words, if you broke it, then Association. I asked about their event. It was a
extended family. Upon departing, she was it's your fault.) discussion about forgiveness. I left with a
encouraged to find a good husband. Sikhism has the daily practice of virtue, friendly reminder.
too. The Sri Guru Granth Sahib (the Sikh Holy When I replaced the lens to my glasses,
Book) acts as a perpetual Guru (teacher). Also,
the lives of the Gurus reveal how they adhered
to a code of ethics. Qualities, such as honesty
and patience, are nurtured by effort and perse-
verance. Each step leads toward the goal of
human life, which is to merge with God. This
goal is achieved through observing the teachings
of the Guru, meditating on the name of God, and
performing acts of service and charity.
I now understood why the proceeds of
the event would be donated to the "Save the
Children" charity. Sikhism encourages Sikhs to
help those in need.
Sukhi Singh, the then-Events
Coordinator, took the microphone and encour-
aged the crowd to sit. He asked; "Are you ready
for Bhangra?" There was a tepid response. So,
he roared, "Are you ready for Bhangra?" There
was a less tepid response.
The Bhangra team emerged on the floor.
The men were dressed in kurta (a long-sleeve
shirt that extends to the knees) and lungi (a
wraparound skirt like a sarong). The women
were dressed in shalwar-kameez.
Now, Sapreet Saluja works at Coach, Inc. The dancers took their positions. The DJ my vision cleared, and I saw a packed dance
She manages the distribution team that oversees started the music. The bass pounded as the floor. After I returned the flashlight, I ran
186 Coach stores throughout North America and Bhangra music started. The slow beat started back. I saw that more people were dancing.
Puerto Rico. She also stresses the importance of speeding. The dancers bounced to the beat. The The DJ started with Bhangra music.
community through volunteer work. She works men waved golden cloths. The women flowed to There was a fast rhythm punctuated by the beat
with the Peace Corps, the Girls Scouts, and the rhythm. At one point, a woman climbed onto of the tabla (an Indian drum). The night was
FATEH. a man's shoulders. Then, they both danced. full of the sounds of Bhangra remixes; hip-hop,
Her speech ended with an obligatory I did not understand how the music and rap, pop. Circles of people were dancing.
applause and an inspiring message, which were dance fit into the celebration of Baisakhi. I People were dancing in circles. People were
great appetizers. The main courses would be later spoke to Dr. Anand Azad, a Sikh and a co- dancing on each other shoulders. Men and
served soon. founder of the Center for Indian Studies. He women locked hands and spun. Men and men
Ritika Oberoi, then president of the Sikh describes Baisakhi as a harvesting holiday. spun. People were thrown toward each other, as
Student Association was thanked for organizing Rickidon Singh added, "Baisakhi, also spelled a line of people ran around the throbbing crowd.
the night. With a spoon in hand, she lead the Vaisakhi, marks the beginning of the New Year The dance floor grew humid, but people contin-
group that served the food. for the 26 million Sikhs around the world, and ued to dance.
Women dressed in colorful shalwar and is celebrated on April 13. The holiday holds A friend was surprised to see that I had
kanieez (loose fitting pajama-like pants and great significance for the Sikh community as it rhythm. I was surprised that I did not dance
loose fitting shirt, respectively) and smiled commemorates the birth of the Sikh nation. more. People were learning how to Bhangra
over trays of traditional Indian foods. Among Baisakhi is also viewed as the beginning of the dance in the crowd. I was one of them. I moved
the many delicacies, there was saag paneer harvest season, indicating a time of happiness. to the music. The room seemed to move to the
(cooked spinach with cottage cheese), naan "It was this day in the year 1699 when music.
(bread), and chicken'tikka masala (for lack of a Sthe tenth Guru of the Sikhs, Guru Gobind Singh The bass pounded. There was constant
better description, chicken curry). The food created the Khalsa, or the 'pure', concluding the motion. The room was getting hotter as people
tables were thick with hungry people. They initial work of Guru Nanak, the founder of danced. The energy was incredible and unhin-
were anxious to eat. Sikhism. Guru Gobind Singh founded the Khalsa dered. The obstacles were few. A woman with
People smiled and returned to the ball- in front of thousands gathered at Anandpur crutches moved to the beat. People in wheel-
room tables. Each table was dressed in a sap- Sahib, where the outer identity of the Sikhs-kes chairs were on the dance floor. People moved
phire blue tablecloth and had a lit candle in a (unshorn hair and beard) and a turban were now onto the stage and danced. The event security
glass bowl of water. to be seen as a mandatory part of the faith. The
At this time, I apologized to the hosts for male followers of Sikhism were to adopt the sur-
Page 37
 King of Ki ngs Sense, in the Meta Sense) -___ D, IU|Ik -lIlr DMih.
U y I'II IIal rIaI Ia
So, the release of Sin City has come and indemonstrable spirit lives on in these new
gone, it's caused some controversy and it's storm soldiers. Point in fact, its petty, childish
raised some brows. The reviews have ranged and altogether missing the point to come at the
from gritty film noir tour-de-force to sopho- film with criticisms of that sort. You're rehash-
moric and shallow pubescent hedonism. There ing already failed social theory, theory best left
is very little that has not been said about this dead.
film. It is from these multitudes of reviews that One of the few gems that shone through
I draw the focus of my own review. I'm not try- this momentous pile of shit clogging the social-
ing to review the film at all; I'm reviewing the psyche was the New York Times review, written
reviews, trying to point out some of the incon- by Manohla Dargis. Here, the reviewer focused
sistencies that seemed to crop up during my on the film aspects, a practice in rarity these
research. In other words, I feel this film was days, if one were to take the reviews currently
overly critiqued by criteria that it, perhaps, available as the hallmark standard. Absent were
should have not been judged on. In essence, this potshots at the maturity of the audience, and the
is a marginally informed review, by a marginal- originator of the series, Frank Miller, replaced
ly informed in film review matters individual. by valid artistic and technical critique. For
If you've read this far, you might as well go to shame general film-reviewing populace, you
the end. would all do well to learn from Manohla's bril-
To begin with, many of the reviews crit- liant display of aesthetic review.
ical of the film seemed to resemble less a meas- In finality, fuck you film critics on
ured and precise glance at the narrative, and Rottentomatoes.com that fit the description that
more a bashing from the mind set of 13-year- I've spent five hundred words describing. Stop
old boys. It's been a whole-hearted and derisive wailing on the geeky kids, they haven't.learned
attack on the culture of comic book with no any valid forms of defense since grade school, so
playground chaperone to pull the bullies off the your picking on them now is doubly juvenile. I
pummeled nerds. Under the guise of academia figure you were assaulting schoolyard peers of
Instead of addressing issues of pacing,
and high-mindedness, they decide to criticize yours around the same time you were figuring
or dialogue, cast-choice or rhythm, these self- out how to jerk off. This time stick tp column A,
comics as juvenile and uniformly misogynistic.
appointed forefathers of modern social reform
The tinge of irony is accented by the fact that it's much more productive and rewarding.
decided here and now, that comic books are bad,
those most critical of the comic book pastiche
and based in a sick and immature psychology.
and the emotional resonance of the genre, are Frederic Wertham would be so proud; his
seemingly the most uninformed about the topic

Sin City
Pretty FuckingSFranklin
Awesome Delano Roosevelt
-, 1,.
tne- movie
I liked it. A lot. Visual]I __y, .11 --. --. . -. -- 11 1- -
we n... Ioriiiant.
1 1 "" l' -U 11,
i

was stunning and groundbreak ,ing. Every scene was guest

moment captivated me and left me wanting director Robert I
more and more. To quote a gc )od friend of good friend an
mine, "I could watch this all d ay." I espe- dante, Quentin I
cially liked the main segment, the segment The segm
focusing on Mary. Mary is awes( ome. His lit-
tie quest is crazy, twisted, an d completely
n11I0%
Yellow Bastard"
ki"
Hartigan (Bruc<
IuKngll
Alba does a
aw esou

acting job, but

real credit goes
Willis. The mov
was great, and
Bruce Willis ev
looks back on
,i; L,
h- r rrpt T'
w I_-LI I fg U
eI L

unrestrained. It's breathtakinj g. The seg- say to him

ment with Dwight was good but not quite as "What you
good as Marv's. There's a certaLin scene in a talkin' 'bout,
car where the lead character hCas a brilliant Willis?"
exchange with Benecio DelTor o, and it is,

Page 38
 Sim City 2000
By Nicole L. Barry
I first played SimCity version for about $10 nowa- Swallow" speed for a millennia.
2000 on the PlayStation, and days, and this is incredibly I think the real brilliance of this game is
let me tell you, that is a really cost-efficient, as you're only the balance of the game's mechanics, neither too
fucking bad idea. It's impossi- paying roughly a penny for complicated to grasp, nor too simplified that
ble to maneuver; a lot of the lit- every hour this game will you feel that you don't have enough control. If
tle details aren't there, for sick out of your life. you're playing for the first time and you have
instance, reading the newspa- You build tragically cor- patience enough to read beforehand, look at a
per articles, the "Africanr rupt or beautiful cities; most FAQ on my favorite website for all things gam-
Swallow" speed, and the option of the time, by money cheats, ing, http://www.gamefaqs.com. Only then will
to pick bridge types. Plus, if because it takes an insanely you understand the beauty of balancing your
you want to make a map, it long period of time to start residential, commercial, and industrial zones,
takes about 15 years, most of cutting profit big enough to the tragedy of making tunnels too long, and that
them "articulating splines." buy Arcologies or Fusion your Sims don't care where the hospitals are, as
Saving takes about another 10. Reactors. But as with any- long as they exist.
I digress. The point of thing, as soon as you make Also, it's important to never ever let
this is that SimCity 2000 is the this game your bitch and David Ginn, or anyone else who exhibits a sim-
definitive and surely most make it play by your rules, it ilar lack of self control, near a computer that
enjoyable simulation game of becomes significantly easier. has SimCity 2000 on it. Ever.
its time. You can find the PC Or you can put it on "African
-

Sin
-
If you have read all the reviews of Sin gling expansive all- CGI- backgrounds that
By Sam G( oldman
ildat
and lets it loose upon the world. When Bruce
City, or have seen it yourself, you know what are full of eye-catching color effects (Marley Willis is shot and left for dead in the lake,
I am about to say. Sin City is gory, grisly, Shelton's dress in the opening scene is WOW) the reverse silhouette he is in not only is
violent, and sexist, and chock full of film breathtaking in its sheer beauty, but elo-
noir stereotypes. It is also a cinematic quently captured his lonely state.
achievement without any comparable refer- Pretty much everything about Sin City
ence point. has probably been said already. But I/think
Robert Rodriguez put his own career that what really should be emphasized is
on the line by opting out of the Directors that having actors act in front of a bluescreen
Guild to team up with Frank Miller to create while burying your creative juices in order
a movie that A) copies Miller's graphic nov- to be as faithful as possible to someone else's
els page by page while B) using the digital work can't be easy. In all the reviews I have
camera/bluescreen combination that was seen, no one gives Robert Rodriguez the cred-
used in the well-received Sky Captain and it he is so richly due. Considering how tal-
the World of Tomorrow and the poorly ented we already know Rodriguez to be, to get
received Star Wars Episodes I and II. Where the actors to give the great performances
Rodriguez outdoes Lucas is by actually get- with splendid acting that not only faithfully they do cements him as one of the best direc-
ting his actors to ACT. recreates Miller's dark comic, but captures tors of our time.
Rodri-uez deserves acclaim for iug- the seamy, us-against-the-evil-world spirit

AnotherTake on Sin City

SBy Matt Willemain
I didn't like it.

Sin City Page 39

 . .
..

The idea for the festival began in the summer of 2003, motivated by the Stony Brook Film
Festival and our own love for digital video. We wanted to create a unique forum specifically for digi-
Persistence
tal filmmakers to exhibit their creative works.

We were amazed by the overwhelming response our festival generated. We received over 100
of Vision
submissions from all over the world, including France, Spain and awide variety of states across the
country. The range of works we received allowed us to choose what is truly great about digital film- Persistence of Vision is a
making, the ability to do a lot with very little. short film about an introverted
medical school student who works
as a projectionist at a local movie
The videos presented during this three-day festival were some of the most innovative and orig- theatre on the side. In a moment of
inal works we've seen. We've chosen a wide range of digital films that illustrate the way people desperation, he steals some eyes
express the world today. From works that document social struggles, to animations and experimental from the laboratory he studies in
projects that explore the human condition, we hope that you're left with a true impression of the inde- to test a theory. Back at the movie
theatre, he finds out that his new
pendent digital filmmaking community today.
method allows him to capture the
image of the last thing an eye has
Below are reviews of just some of the films that struck us particularly. For a more indepth look seen before its body is killed.
at the festical, check out our website at www.SBDVFestival.org. Stay tuned for updates and informa- When dead homeless people are
tion on how to submit your own digital video works. brought in as specimens, his
curiosity gets the best of him and
he steals one of the eyes. To his
astonishment, the eye reveals that
his professor has been killing the
homeless people in the area.

The Ice Longest Should he keep quiet or will he use

his talents to intervene in the
killing?
Besides having an extreme-

Cream Man Night ly unique story, this film was

wonderfully shot with a retro,

, almost rustic feel to it. The cast

was comprised of only a handful of
people and the dialogue was kept
I sampled just over half of the movies The Longest Night is a short to a minimum but in this case, less
screened in the second annual digital video film masterpiece. It's about (or at was better. Rather than rely heav-
festival, and the only picture which scored a least seems to be about) a guy in a ily on character interaction,
perfect ten on my audience ballot was the world of darkness who goes out in Persistence of Vision made every
short horror picture The Ice Cream Man. It search of other people by building a point it set out to with clever visu-
was rushed, cliched and, to be honest, kind light on a backpack. al effects and a fast paced, engag-
of silly, but The Ice Cream Man was execut- The movie is shot in a sort of ing plot. While esthetically pleas-
ed perfectly. The filmmaker is the movie strobe, effect, but what makes the ing, I was glad to see that it was
equivalent of Andrew WK. You've seen this visual element so stunning is the much more than just ten minutes of
show before. In fact, you may have written lighting. The filmmakers did an digital eye candy.
this sort of genre exercise off as a waste of excellent job of making the world - Joe Filippazzo
your time. But it comes fast and hard, the truly look like a world of darkness
enthusiasm is unrelenting and you will be where the only light comes from small
so fucking refreshed by the absence of irony lamps. -
it'll be like you took a god damned shower in Despite all this, the most
genuine. .
The story is a little bit Faust and a
little bit Monkey's Paw. The titular myste-
rious, magical salesman dishes out summer-
amazing aspect of this movie is the
music. It's haunting, mesmerizing,
and beautiful. On the whole this
movie crosses all boundaries. A+.
Diary of a
time treats and devil's bargains alike with
an old fashioned charm that matches his
shockingly low fudgecicle prices. He wan-
ders into a hardware store and offers the
- David K. Ginn
Sfripper
· i

impossible from a beat up old tin box. When This movie was not very
the store's proprietor tries to kick The Ice good. It was informative, enlight-
Cream Man out of his business, he is met
with an offer to restore his dead wife to life-
but there is a price. Then everybody gets
Hired ening, and intriguing, but it was
also just god-awful. The music
appropriation was not only terri-
stabbed. bly appropriated but also just
Aside from the almost comically Hired is a half-hour short film which happens to be plain terrible. They didn't even
expressive faces of the lead actors, the best the most professional looking DV movie I have ever seen. The credit the music at the end.
feature of the movie is the sterling use of the filmmakers spent a lot of time making this movie look and The "re-enactment" scenes
classic horror movie music. The dissonant sound perfect. Also, the story is unique and wonderful. were not done very well. By the
pitch bend reaches a sublime new height in It's about a newly hired young man who, merely sec- way, if you're looking for some
The Ice Cream Man. Generously dispersed onds after being hired, watches his brand new boss get a sort of plot, this movie is a docu-
throughout the film's brief running time are phone call revealing that his (the Boss') daughter has just mentary about male strippers in
both singular wilting stings and a heavily died. What happens after this is a series of events that leaves South America who are very, very
pitch bent children's rhyme in bells, evoca- the viewer feeling entirely uncomfortable. Discomfort is the naive. This movie is not good. I
tive of dessert-dairy laden nights of child- key emotion in this movie, and it is relayed wonderfully. watched it twice, though, and
hood innocence that teeter on the cusp of Everything in this movie works. The writing, the act- that's twice more than I should
forgotten. Then everybody gets stabbed. ing, the lighting, the sound, the everything. This movie is have.
What a picture show! great. - David K. Ginn
- Matt Willemain - David K. Ginn

Page. 40 SBDV Fest

 Straight-Up
Review
Continued...
SBy Dustin Herlich

show was competing with I-CON, Musicians for

Peace and the Stony Brook Digital Video
Festival, seeing a packed house at the perform-
ance really must mean that it was something
special. It was possibly the most entertaining
three dollars I've spent in a long time. When
you go see a Broadway play, you may see famous
actors or really popular shows, but seeing a - I -- ill I I I II I I- in II
play at Stony Brook is something that everyone
should take a moment to try and do. Seeing peo-
ple you actually know trying to be someone else
is often hilarious, but more often impressive.
Even better is when some people are not actual-
ly acting, and just get to be themselves on stage
with a different name.
Hairwas great. It's a great show that was
well performed. I'd tell everyone to go see it,
but unfortuhately it's over. I will say, however,
that the next time there is a show at the Fanny
Brice, or anywhere on campus that has student
actors, GO SEE IT!

I t:3- uIA·AA
IV DU 11D:
BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THAT

JOIN SBU-TV 30
WR N#IEEDDIRtECTORS, PIPODucw•S, bODITOR
CAMERA PEOPL., CRIeW, ANbD tPIRNDtS
DROP BY ROOM 074 IN THEr UNION BAIgMENT
OR EMAtL SBUTVY IC.SUNYBB.EDU
I________ .1*
 CRIMINAL JUSTICE
Of the many skills cultivated in the pur-

SOCIOLOGY PSYCHOLOGY suit of excellence in criminal justice's practical

application-police work-among the most funda-
mental are keen powers of observation and the
Batman, prior to 1940, represented a With good reason, most of us consider ability to recognize and adapt to patterns.
specific apathetic attitude maintained by many Batman a hero. For years, he has saved countless Batman Chronicles, a collection of the oldest sto-
of the wealthy upper class in America. Instead lives ard captured a deluge of villains and ne'er- ries of that weird figure, the "Bat-man", gives us
of Batman being the vengeful agent of frighten- do-wells under the guise of a hatred for the crim- an excellent sampling of the behavior of the
ing retribution we are familiar with, he is inal element. While it's hard-to argue with his finest police officers that Manhattan has to offer.
rather a bored and meandering playboy devoid r6sume, what do we really know about Bruce And the results are not encouraging for that bot-
of any moral justification. Sipping wine and Wayne? To find out about his past, one must hark tomless pool of potential victims, that sorry lot
apparently free-basing with his close friend back to Batman's earliest adventures, where the who populate Gotham City.
Commissioner Gordon, the Bat-man's first hero we know and love today had yet to emerge. For our purposes we will focus on the
adventure is a product of a tag-along offered to Instead of a masked stalwart of justice, we are case study provided by recurring appearances of
him by the commissioner. The Bat-mans greeted with a bored socialite who murders crim- "that harlequin of hate" known as The Joker.
response to this is general disinterest, and he inals for sport. Doling out murder for vengeance and the collec-
only ends up going out of resignation. It is In the months before his tragic origin was tion of fabulous jewels, The Joker has the justi-
through these actions that Bruce Wayne, our concocted, Bruce Wayne was a spoiled rich kid fied audacity to claim the public airwaves and
mysterious, chilling and eerie hero, the "Bat- who spent his time lounging about with broadcast his intentions well in advance. Given
Commissioner Gordon. The first scene that the the specific time and targets of the Joker's dead-
man," becomes involved in the case.
It is important to note that although the reader sees is Bruce reclining in a smoking jacket ly plots, the police here are in a perfect environ-
Bat-man's disinterest in the crime is feigned, listening to the police band with the commission- ment for study.
his casual disregard for human life is not. Point er. In his hand, Bruce lovingly clutches a pipe, 'As a criminal debutant, The Joker makes
in fact, he spends the first four issues of this presumably smoldering with tobacco. Judging his introduction to New York Society with a
series repeatedly murdering with very little from Bruce's actions, however, it is clear that he is pirate broadcast in which he promises to kill
justificatiotf. In most cases, the criminal he actually inhaling cocaine, a method of consump- wealthy socialite Henry Claridge and claim from
ends up killing could have just as easily been tion that delivers the drug directly into the blood- him the famous Claridge Diamond. The police
stopped by non-lethal means, as our hero, being stream via the lungs. Bruce displays several of the response is comprehensive, and can be summed
a master of several martial arts, should have symptoms of someone dancing with the white lady; up in one word: cordon. As many cops as you can
been able to apply. Its also startling when one he is constantly euphoric, has an inhuman amount cram into a clown car form a protective circle
considers that most killed by Bat-man are of strength and energy, and never seems to be eat- around Claridge and his jewel, there to stay with
either poor or ethnics, the social relevance of ing or sleeping. Hopped up on freebase, Batman him through the hour The Joker has appointed for
the character coalesces. Never are the wealthy stalks the night looking to hunt petty crooks. his death. But they have been outsmarted; The
provocateurs assaulted and taught the imperma- In all of his early adventures, Batman is Joker doesn't even need to put in an appearance,
nence of life, they are merely hauled away in nothing less than a horrible murderer. Before the he has applied a precisely timed slow acting poi-
handcuffs, leaving a trail of illogical and oft- days when he pitted himself against super villains son the night before, as well as replaced the pre-
times anachronistic corpses in their wake. and megalomaniacal psychopaths, Batman hung stolen jewel with a phony. No number of cops can
This merely reflects the mindset of the. around his mansion in a daze waiting for some stop the murder, which happens right in front of
upper class of this era. Anyone outside of a petty thief to knock over a jewelry store. Rather the baffled police's eyes.
certain monetary bracket shouldn't be consid- than incapacitating the criminal and waiting for When the Joker next boldly announces,
ered human, merely pawns in a game to be the police, the early Batman saw himself as judge, before the fact, the exact time and location of his
played by the wealthy. This view of the "com- jury, and executioner. Ii other words, Batman next robbery/murder-Jay Wilde is the victim
moners" as fodder isn't particularly unique to would mindlessly kill people for committing lar- and his Ronkers Ruby the prize-the police are
this period, as we find the sentiment also crop- ceny or assault without a second thought. For quick to respond with a cordon of men, who are
ping up in many works of Victorian literature. example, a villain called Dr. Death ordered a easily overpowered. So it goes with Judge Drake,
However, the difference here is the appearance henchman to attack Batman during a confronta- who had previously passed sentence on the Joker,
of a character of this sort in our supposedly tion. As he let Dr. Death escape, Batman lassoed Chief of Police Chalmers, the Cleopatra Necklace
egalitarian society. Perhaps, as with the the unwitting henchman with a silk rope and grue- from the Drake Museum. In each case the police
Victorian novellas, the poor- and disenfran- somely snapped his. neck without a second response can be summed thusly: cordon. In each
chised, who are usually the main fiduciary sup- thought. Whereas the judicial system may have case, the police are wildly ineffectual, and the
porters for such art, are engaging in under- put the henchman in jail for a short time for only check on the Joker's criminal exploits are
standable escapism. How they long to be so attempted assault, Batman ripped his spinal col- the eerie "Bat-man".
flippantly wealthy that they can disregard laws umn asunder. This sequence of events is can be seen as
and moral restrains. Murdering their peers and Basically, Bruce Wayne is a drug-addled an opportunity to gather evidence. In this case,
fellow bottom-dwellers merely serves to height- psychopath who brings unrelenting death to minor there is no doubt as to who is responsible for the
en the escapist fantasy. criminals without any notion of remorse. In addi- crimes, or what motivates the fiendish mind
Even the idea of the Bat-man, which tion to this, Batman isn't a big fan of women, behind them, but rather the method he uses, and
existed prior to any specific origin, was most either. While detaining a female criminal who the efficacy of the police's response. The New
likely decided upon with errant care by Bruce protested her capture, Batman responded to her York police force's capacity to gather this evi-
complaints by raising his open palm and threat- dence and react in response is tested when The
Wayne. One can easily, imagine a scoffing and
foppish protagonist chuckling at the idea of the ening her by saying, "Papa wanna spank." As if Joker threatens yet another murder, that of
fear he would inspire as a living, walking bat- this weren't enough, he treats his fianc6e, Julie, reformer Edgar Martin. What innovative crime
man, drawing on the, at the time, near mythical like garbage. While attempting to rescue her from fighting method to the police' bring to bear
status of the Vampire. In a sense, the hard a kidnapper, Batman develops a crush on another against infamy? Digging deep into their bag of
earned Eastern European myth of the vhampyr one of the criminal's victims and ends up all but tricks, the police turn to the cordon. As the
was taken advantage of, and exploited, much ignoring Julie for the rest of the series. appointed hour for his murder approaches,
like the poor and disenfranchised were used Amazingly, everyone around him enabled Bruce's Martin cries out in fear for his very life. An offi-
and abused by the wealthy of the 1930's. The misogynistic, immoral and self-destructive cer reassures him, "Listen, Martin. This house is
fruits of the proletariat tree stolen by the par- behavior. Having his parents be murdered in front over-run with cops! A mouse couldn't get in
asitic tree-monkeys of the upper class. of him really straightened that jerk out. here, much less the Joker. Relax." Douchebags.

Page 42
 PHYSICS AsR-a Man
1939 was a hell of a time in the course of human
events. According to the Batman Chronicles, all foreign- Drowning irn a-
ers were jewel thieves, women were second class citizens,
murder could always be justified and physics didn't Swilmming Pool
exist. What a time to be alive! Granted, we have made
leaps and bounds in the physical sciences in the last 65
Anything
years, but some of the crap that writer Bill Finger comes
up with is pretty...batty. By a man drownirng
At one point in the Batman's adventures, he must in a swiring pool
do battle with the diabolical Master Monk, an evil vampire
hypnotist from Hungary! First, the Monk hypnotizes Julie Dear Man Drowning in a Swimming Pool,
Madison, Bruce Wayne's fiancee, and tries to have her kill
some random guy in a suit. Luckily, his plan is foiled My girlfriend thinks fuzzy cuffs
when Batman pulls the innocent man up onto a telephone are kinky. I disagree. What do you think
pole and leaves him there(?). The caped crusader then I should do? Should I buy fuzzy cuffs and
tracks his evil quarry to a secret mansion, where Julie is try to enjoy it? Should I tell her no?
once again being held captive. When Batman arrives, the Personally, I think leather ropes and a
Monk puts him in a trance and decides to feed him to the metal paddle are kinky, but she wouldn't
evil werewolf den! The Monk then morphs into a werewolf care if I told her that. I'm afraid if I don't
to call the other werewolves to the feast. What is the prob- do the fuzzy cuffs thing she'll find some
ability that the Monk could undergo this transformation? other guy to do it with. What should I do?
First, let's say that at any time t, each of the
Monk's atoms can be in one of two states, much like the - Unkinked in Delaware
intrinsic spin s of an atom. The only difference though is
that instead of "spin +?" or "spin -?", the atoms must be
in "Monk" or "Werewolf". Before the transformation, he is Dear Unkinked,
all Monk; that is, every single atom is a Monk atom. In
order for the Monk to "morph" into a werewolf, every sin-
gle Monk atom must lose its "Monkness" and attain
"Werewolfness." We're talking introductory thermal sta-
tistics here, folks. Using our binary model system, we can
easily calculate the probability that at any instant, all of
the atoms are in state werewolf. Since the human body has
on the order of exp(22) atoms, we implore the Stirling
Approximation to get our answer. It turns out that the
odds of the Monk spontaneously turning into the Werewolf
are about one part in two million trillion trillion trillion Dear Man Drowning in a Swimming Pool,
trillion trillion. That's a 2 with 66 zeros after it. In fact,
even if the Monk began from the beginning of time, about I like to eat. I like to eat a lot.
exp(18) seconds ago, and tried to turn into a werewolf Food is so yummy. I'm fat, though. I keep
once every second, the odds would still be one part in two eating and eating, and I keep gaining
trillion trillion trillion trillion, or a 2 with 48 zeros after weight. I want to stop being fat. What can
it. While the calculations seem to suggest that this trans- I do to stop eating and getting fat?
formation is virtually impossible, I would like to remind
the reader that Hungary is a magical and enigmatic land. - Gaining in California
Let's keep an open mind. Dear Gaining,
Not to spoil it for you, but Batman gets out of the
werewolf den and hunts down the evil vampire Monk.
Batman finds the immortal villain sleeping in a casket.
and decides to end his twisted assault on humankind.
Luckily, in the Batman world of the 1930s, every horrible,
outmoded stereotype that can be conceived is perfectly
accurate; all women are white and intrinsically helpless, Dear Man Drowning in a Swimming Pool,
all apes are ten feet tall carnivores, all Hindu's are shirt-
less, knife-wielding murderers, and of course, all vam- I wrote to you a month ago, but you
pires can be killed with silver bullets. Batman uses a never responded. Are you too busy
candle to melt a silver statue into bullets. Now, drowning to answer letters from your
Mendeleyev created the Periodic Table in 1869 so writer devoted fans? What kind of columnist are
Bill Finger has no excuse. Since the melting point of sil- you, anyway? Man, you truly suck.
ver is 961 degrees Celsius, and a candle's flame is only
800 degrees Celsius, that's impossible. Watch your ass, Unimpressed in
Bill Finger...Batman's killed for less-. Nebraska

The Living Tribunal is: Dear Unimpressed,

Michael Prazak, Mike Billings,
Matt Willemain, and Joe Filippazzo

Features
S44
involv
for an
unpop.

Thai
ut yo ations-
d sun ire the
ide in ck.

11 hav
ise te]

Features 40
 11 'TEN Battle of the Century
I, I, I n

T''l_ . T -ý m

irungs L Angel & Kirk &

TI a-medrI %.1%W. (AL
a+L Spike Spock
A,.L.AJ ILL

I-CON
10 Boffer fighting doesn't harm the
body it harms the soul
Psilocybin and/or Smirnoff
nakes everything... tolerable

Hentai has officially outlived its cool-

8 ness. Actually hentai was never
that cool to begin with.
Amounts of money spent in dealer's
room is directly proportional to
Sthe number of years spend living
in mom's basement.,
e'd like to make a joke pertaining
lhe diets of I-CON goers, but have
you been to Deng Lee's lately?
Believe it or not, having sex with a
5 fury isjustas illegalasifyouwere
boinking areal leopard.
During I-CON weekend, the concentra-
tion of overweight cosplayers actually
causes a shift in the earth's rotation.
V . -

paper cannot be folded over

an 7 times, human flesh can be
bided over much more

For many this was the first experi-

Sencewith things the rest of us take
for granted, like soap, the sun or
human c itact.
AAmeece is a tiny magical animal
1 withstr2,dex 16, con 10, Int 18-19.
Wis 12, and Cha 3
Page 46
 lt3~
It's Not as Easy as It Looks, is i t?

Commentary by Sam Goldman et; rather, it correlates to the amount of time you an official publication of your campus club? Why
spend on it (although you may want to invest in isn't the club mentioned in your paper? Do you guys
Hey Erik! something better than Kodak Fun Saver cameras). have meetings? Events? Pizza parties? Anything?
You and I haven't met, but I'm sure Greg Next, let's get to your content. Right now, Or is the Enduring Freedom Alliance just code for
Lubicich can tell you all about me. Virginia Morgan The Pantyhose seems focused on one thing and one "Legion of Press Haters?"
can also chip in with the two times we met on the thing only; that would be this little newspaper. Why Erik, you seem like a nice guy, so, in closing,
LIRR. My name's Sam. I used to be a big shot else would you start off with a Press parody on your '11 give you this to think about: if you are going to
around The Press office. Since I graduated and front page instead of, say, Terri Schiavo or the war in keep putting out a newspaper, you should attempt to
moved back to Brooklyn, I'm not nearly as involved Iraq? Aren't those more important issues than fuck- put out a newspaper with a certain amount of quali-
in day-to-day things as I used to be, but I come by ing with a newspaper that, no matter how hard you ty. Right now, you are embarrassing yourselves,
every now and again to say hi to all my friends. try, you will never ever beat in a contest of wits? your viewpoints, all student media organizations and
I noticed that you guys have started up a While you guys were out trying to stick it to The the 'university in general. I have nothing against a
conservative newspaper-I think it's called The Press, we had articles on Wolfowitz and the World paper on campus that espouses a right-wing view-
Liberatoror The Partisanor something. Anyway, it Bank, oil drilling in Alaska, abstinence education, point, but if you are not going to put in the time and
seems'like a decent start, but you seem to need some the war in Iraq, the crisis in the Congo, the tensions effort to create something worthwhile, you will con-
help. So I figure I'd give you some tips on how to between China and Taiwan, etc, etc, etc. The Press: tinue to get laughed at - by us and by everyone else.
make a newspaper. 1, The Peter Luger: 0. Aren't those the kinds of You and your staff will rationalize the student body's
First off, I'd point out that the first impres- issues a politically themed publication should dis- negative feedback by screaming "liberal campus,"
sion the reader gets of a newspaper is how it looks. cuss? Just a thought. without realizing that the problem was your utter
The articles may be great, but if it looks like a sev- One of The Press' stated missions is to incite lack of effort in creating a quality publication.
enth-grade PTA newsletter, well, that shit ain't gonna debate at Stony Brook. The Penis Pump should do Before blaming everyone else for the public's poor
fly. Everything about The Pediatrician screams the same. Take a stand on Terri Schiavo, gay mar- opinion of The Schwarzenegger, you should blame
"zero effort." Your pictures are pixilated, your lay- riage or campaign finance reform. That is how you yourselves.
out is all over the place and your masthead looks like get noticed. That is how you gain respect. Grow Well, Erik, that's about it. Good luck with
it was drawn on with Magic Marker. These things some balls, dude. The Pissant or The Poopie or whatever it's called.
don't have any correlation to the size of your budg- Oh, by the way, Erik, isn't The Philanderer Oh, and say hi to everyone for me, will ya? Thanks.

SHow Ta Make a
Right Wing Newspaper
Wit your host, Robbie da Roach

By Joe Filippazzo
 Drink of the Month
9icture of Virginia By Article II, SECTION 1 of the
Vlorganfunneling College Republican Constitution:
beer Courtesy of
Virginia Morgan
We must make known and pro-
Satire by Joe mote the principles of the
Filippazzo
Republican Party among mem-
bers of the Stony Brook
Republican Kool-Aid University Campus and surround-
ing Community.
1) Get water.
There's only one way to do this!
2) Put Kool-Aid in water. Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!
Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!
Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!
3) Cyanide. Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!
Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!
4) Mix well and Enjoy! Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!
Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!

I No. 2 April 200:

Freedom Editor
Amberly Jane Mansfield
Drink the Republican Kool-Aid!

ersUiohe
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2
The Fate of Freedom...
; .'*, . aand Everything
'. e "r E Ise ~~ ~ ~
By Joe Safdia "no". Being bombed and invaded without provoca- that was enacted by President George Washington.
tion by a major superpower on the other side of the You know, one of our founding fathers? One of the
Today is not a good day for me. I have a planet is actually the exact opposite of natural "men far wiser than us"? I'm sure you remember
migraine. This migraine did not come out of thin rights. him.
air, nor was it the result of incredibly loud music. All this was tolerable, but then Romano As for that strain of conventional wisdom,
No, this terrible pain in my skull is the result of truly dropped a bombshell that caused chunks of you got two out of the three right. We do NOT have
some horrible , painful words I saw on a piece of cerebellum to ooze its way out of my ears. After all the responsibility, or even the right, to invade and
paper today. The latest issue of the Patriot featured the ridiculous propaganda he's spewed in the past, Americanize the world in the search for more money,
an article by Robert J. Romano. The article, entitled and after everything our sorry excuse for a president or as you put it, "spread freedom and democracy
"The Fate of Freedom", started us off with a whim- has done to people both overseas and here at home, globally". And we are NOT the world's policemen.
sical little romp through American history-the Romano had the gall to tell us that those who oppose We have the United Nations to dictate what third-
good, patriotic parts at least. He told of how the war, or the "defeatists" and "isolationists" as he calls world countries can and cannot do. The United
rights we have are natural rights, or rights that all them, are the true enemies of human rights and the States does not have the authority to overthrow
humans have. This was not the part that made my force that will destroy the freedom we enjoy in the "evil dictators" left and right, especially when we
skull try to crush my brain to numb the agony. No United States. He informs us, "One strain of conven- have turned a blind eye toward and even aided dic-
that started right around when he stated that the nat- tional wisdom holds that it is not our responsibility tators far worse than Saddam Hussein. We are the
ural rights are country was founded upon are under to spread freedom and democracy globally, that most hated country on the planet because of all the
assault from the "forces of evil". Thank you very certain peoples cannot ever live in freedom due to terrible atrocities the United States Government has
much, Superman, but the last thing people need is their cultures and religions, and that we are not the committed during its involvement in the Middle
you scaring the crap out of them with black and world's policemen. Such isolationist tendencies East before and during the war. By "spreading free-
white terms such as this. This is exactly what Bush have been common throughout America's history, dom and democracy" (and I use those terms loosely
did with his phantom "War on Terror" and that is and they are no less dangerous today." -Mr. Romano, because we never had any plans to do anything with
why our friends and family are fighting and dying in your statement leads me to wonder what your true freedom and democracy), we are simply imposing
Iraq. But aside from that, Romano's words falsely. values are, not to mention what your grades in high our way of life onto other people, all in our search
make one think that we are in a dangerous new era school American History were. First off, what you for a good-sized oil field.
of American history. That if we don't take up arms don't know is that an isolationist desires his/her As for people believing that people who are
and fight for freedom that we are not in danger of country to be cut off from all other nations in the of different races, religions, creeds, etc. cannot
losing, we will lose our way of life to the terrorists. world, relying instead on total independence. The enjoy basic human rights, all I want to know is what
"Do we still hold the truth of natural rights to be self- people who you call isolationists actually support rock has your head been under for all these years.
evident?" Apparently the Bush Administration has a policy of "neutrality", or not getting involved, in People who oppose the Iraqi war want ALL people
every single war that happens on Earth. A policy
answered Romano's question with a resounding Continued on page 6

Letter From Mission Statement of The Comrade

.&!.|.. , , •

the Gun-toting
Social I ýl c
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Dearest Reader, have only served to open
your eyes to the evil that
When in the course of they perpetrate against us on
human events, certain times a daily basis. Only with
become germane towards their unjust rule could a
the acknowledgement of the humble paper such as ours . ... .. . .

people who make this news- be given credence by the

paper possible.
oppressive,
In the
capitalist
masses. As long as our
Republican persecutors hold
XMP_P..... nf
dystopia that has become fast their corrupt throne of Disdlimer:-Theviewsexprssed y th.. hes
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our nightmarish reality, only power, we shall never be --------
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you have the ability to silenced. ...............

strengthen our spirits and or visit

bolster our voices so that the Sincerely, www.thepress.info
most villainous transgres- Mike Billings,
sors amongst us must recog- Gun-Toting
Disclaimer: The views expressed by the writers in these
nize our righteous anger. Social Reactionary
Those pusillanimous columns are not necessarily the opinions on The Comrade
or it editorial staff.
stalwarts of conservatism
 New El st
Level Riff-Raff Cluttering
Cuttlered Thoughts 1 rewarded in a fair and vigorous cont, nt over
stupid; I prefer a model I like to call ise guys
Da Priority of Unaliel place of ideas. Any economist will t realized
a market isn't functioning propei Id.
Dere has been some cc entrenched players can use deir r
new regulations gove strength to stifle upstarts wit fresh
approved recently by valuable offerings. Dis is da beauty
just me-da noive of et mechanism-it can ensure dat cor are tur-
critics fail to appreciate case passive consumers of policy, udge or
are consistent with da rap! Da First Amendment rih rst class
principles of da found ur opponents by leve ment...
United States, whose fc wealth applies equ Lnnually
lican model, is a gift c sums of wealth! Y upposed
foundation of equal riq s with-dis, it iu might
recognized at da federn antee dat we
da executive, legislatih
of da government, eacl
stituted by da duly el
will of dose of us who 1 : elected
da great James Madisol Sto have
ton of dis nascent nati da First
upon which the flesh :hase da
practices would be d : institu-
"Democracy is the m- a result-
ment... democracies I de only
of turbulence and cor to teeter
found incompatible wil a Beast.
rights of property: and allow in
short in their lives as 1 :an be a
their deaths." What AV ! Ha ha
we must have political

Adapting the Concep Yhip role

ernment
Da oppressive Marxist e recog-
didates seeking electec it media
a system respecting da ra of an
racy, dat da best candit i of the
arguments, or who m tyranny
policies to further da <

The] e
By David "Knock ic, I can
sn't real-
Upon the contr( sents my
representatives from 1 hat must
republican parties agree t, either.
cuss the future of thei Las these
conference was aptly d t exist as
Color Conference" of tI
The argument b publican
representative made . an party.
"Your party can't succt comfort-
.red and red is also the c he has a
fore your party must be sion that
"But," replied and his
"your color is blue, and :an party
and people drown in wa r existed
sent death." it he has
"Ah," said the s mother
"but blue is also the cc )metown
look up to the sky, and sinto the
no clouds, so when pec
sky there's no clouds a nference
there's no rain and eve is article

4
 Burning the Reichstag
Compiled by organizing human beings into superifor force her to be a mother... then she is
Mike Billings and Joe Filippazzo and inferior groups and into the cheap coerced into putting her body at the dis-
labour in which this system still depends. posal of the fetus as if she were an
"I really believe that the pagans, and the We are talking about a society in which unclaimed natural resource or a chattel
abortionists, and the feminists, and the there will be no roles other than those slave.... Thus, the woman's most funda-
gays/ and the lesbians who are actively chosen or those earned. We are really talk- mental right of choice, the right to control
trying to make that an alternative ing about humanism." - Gloria Steinem her own body and happiness, is being
lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the abrogated." - Sharon Presley and Robert
American Way, all of them who have tried Abortion Cooke
to secularize America. I point the finger in
their face and say 'you helped this hap- The right: "We must reverse Roe The Right to Die
pen."-Jerry Falwell on September 11 vs Wade, persevere in the fight for life,
and restore to citizens the freedom to clean The right: "Terri Schiavo was a liv-
Feminism up the cultural pollution poisoning the ing human being, an innocent living
hearts and .minds of our children. The human being. Brain damaged, yes.
The right: "Feminism is about presidency must become a bully pulpit for Incapacitated, yes. Disabled, yes. But she
being anti-family and that it encourages traditional values, not gays in the mili- was a living human being. She was not
women to leave their husbands, kill their tary. We will get the US government com- being sustained on any artificial means -
children, practice witchcraft, destroy cap- pletely out of the abortion racket" - Pat by any artificial means. All she was being
italism and become lesbians." - Pat Buchanan done - all that was being done was she was
Robertson fed through a tube instead of her throat."
The left: "In the case of an unwant- - Tom DeLay (R-TX)
The left: "This is no simple ed pregnancy, the existential choice for a
reform. It really is a revolution. Sex and woman is not abortion vs. no abortion, but, The left: "340"-Number of inmates
race because they are easy and visible dif- as Garrett Hardin has pointed out, abortion executed in the State of Texas according to
ferences have been the primary ways of vs. compulsory childbearing. If others can the Texas Department of Justice.

How To Tell You've Arrived in Canada:

Slightly True Sto
Francophonics by Laura Positano not our president, eh," an athletic-looking girl plait." I gestured towards the chocolate cake
wisecracked. "Yeah, I can't believe how he encrusted with almonds. Mmm, sugar and
Au revoir etats-unis, bonjour Canada! wants to be friendly with the United Nations carbs, the twin nemeses of modern nutrition!
[Goodbye, United States, hello Canada] After after making it like he didn't need them...Oh She carefully removed the cake and put it in a
seeing this sign, I realized that I have left the yeah, that Bush dude is funny." One of the two small box in front of me. Feeling hungry, I
country. Finally I admit it. I'm lost. I searched guys in the group remarked. licked the frosting on top. It tasted great. "Le
and perused my many maps, but all in vain. I Embarrassed for my country, I quickly prix est vingt dollars. Payez-vous, s'il vous
never meant for this; I was supposed to be at my jogged towards Main Street. Stores, labeled in plait." Uh-oh, I thought. I looked in my wallet,
friend's wedding in Albany, in upstate New French, with only the pictures making clear what and oh no, no money. I panicked. Great.
York. Being a woman, I asked for directions was sold. Having not taken French since high I am in a foreign Country, away from
while still in New York, but to no avail. school, I feared my French would be too rusty to home, and am about to get in trouble for practi-
Everyone I asked was either a tourist or some- communicate with the locals. Yet from the cally stealing. Now stop that, I told myself.
one who did not speak English. beginning of my unplanned trek, I had somehow Don't be neurotic. Be calm, maybe there's
Try as I did, I could not find a single soul ,almost magically, regained my grasp. Their twenty dollars in your pocket. Sure enough, in
who was aware of how to give simple directions. language was no longer foreign to me. I was my left hand pocket, there was twenty dollars. I
The one time I was able to have ani actually speaking in French rather fluidly. handed her the money, and the woman smiled.
exchange with someone that did not leave me Suddenly, what I assumed would continue to be "Thanks," I said in my native tongue. In broken
more confused than I was when I started was an awkward situation was becoming an enjoy- English, she told me, "Madamoiselle, there was
when an elderly Quebec lady wearing a beret able jaunt. no need for vous to be worried. I do zat some-
cheerfully declared to me, "Entrez-vous au A bakery, entitled "la boulangerie", with times when I go to the food store myself." We
Canada. I welcome you to the magnificent land a giant loaf of bread beckoned my entrance. both laughed. I left the store, dancing, full of
that is Canada." Well, at least they're welcom- Mmm, carbs!!! The place smelled of the famil- glee.
ing, I thought. So I parked my father's car and iar, comforting aroma of cake and bread. Hearty I headed towards my dad's car and
got out to traverse the streets. I resolved myself whole wheat loaves, croissant rolls, beautiful placed the key in the ignition. I raced on to the
to either get directions to Albany or at least find cakes, decadent canolis and glistening cream border.
my way back to Long Island from Quebec. I puffs all looked so appealing. Oy, what a dilem- After successfully convincing the cus-
was determined to not let any time go to waste. ma. toms agents at the border thatmy cake was not a
I journeyed into a nearby park. Three "Voulez-vous le pain, mademoiselle?" bomb or some other illegal item that I was hid-
college kids, wearing University of Quebec tee [Would you like bread, miss?] A robust woman ing, I waved, Queen Mum style, and shouted,
shirts, were reading a Canadian newspaper with behind the counter holding a baguette asked, "Au revoir, Canada!"
President Bush's face on the cover. Uproarious pointing to me with the baguette. "No, madame.
laughter ensued. "Eh, that Bush, thank God he's Prendez-vous la glace avec chocolat, s'il vous
 Between the Iron Sheets
By Amberly Jane Mansfield criminal trollop terrorist, I binged on Ben &
Jerry's Butter Pecan, and stayed up all night
I was carousing on my yacht the other watching Golden Girls. Oh, that Sophia,
day, reading the latest Ayn Rand, when I mooning a chain gang on the Interstate.
instinctively rpached for the bubbly. It was What a card! And Rose, that cock-teasing
positively sweltering, and Rajid, my darky simpleton, with her St. Olaf "I can't believe
manservant, who my father picked up on a this is cheese" diet. Hilarity.
Lebanese hunting expedition, was lax in Staring at the photograph I felt some-
retrieving it from the galley. thing stir inside me. It couldn't be the
"Pish posh," I thought, "I'm an Caspian Beluga caviar, could it? Rajid prac-
empowered woman, why not get it for ing at it now just brought the memories tically forced me to eat it. It did taste funny.
myself." flooding back. Could it be ... No! I aborted that thing last
As I sauntered over to the darling Look how happy we seem. Oh Biff, week.
18th Century silver serving tray, a sight you had the lines of a Austin Healey, and the I was lost in thought. Mimsy brushed
caught me off-guard. It seems my Mimsy, a attitude of a Jag. And you chose me out of all my leg, I didn't notice when she started hump-
pedigree, had something caught between her the other Irish blue-bloods at Stony Brook. ing. No! I know what I must do! Unfurl daddy's
freshly-brushed incisors. I grabbed it, wiped Why did you leave me for ... oh, I can't say gun and go on a hunt of my own! That damn,
the spittle on a cashmere handkerchief, and it ... why did you leave me for an ... an... dirty anarchist isn't going to take my man!
examined the remains. anarchist? Uh, what a miserable faux pas. I stood up as Mimsy finished. She
It was a photograph of Biff and I, And that night you begged me for hours, and yelped. I was feeling woozy, and couldn't
before we broke up, taken at the Kittredge's finally I let you stick your finger in my anus. reach the cashmere handkerchief, let alone
soiree some time ago. Look at me, wearing I let you, because I thought we would be daddy's shotgun.
that divine scalloped sea-foam dress, and together forever. I'm sure your father is none I succeeded in stumbling three steps,
there's Rajid, being such a sport, on all fours too happy now. and managed to execute a feeble "She will
so I could have a footrest. Yes, after Biff broke my heart to rue the day!", before collapsing in eternal
I had thrown the photo away in a last engage in extramarital intercourse with some darkness on the poop deck.

The Fate of Freedom... and Everything E Ise

rights.
Continued from page 3 All this was tolerable, but then Romano
or as you put it, "spread freedom and democracy
globally". And we are NOT the world's policemen.
By Joe Safdia
truly dropped a bombshell that caused chunks of We have the United Nations to dictate what third-
cerebellum to ooze its way out of my ears. After all world countries can and cannot do. The United
Today is not a good day for me. I have a
the ridiculous propaganda he's spewed in the past, States does not have the authority to overthrow
migraine. This migraine did not come out of thin
and after everything our sorry excuse for a president "evil dictators" left and right, especially when we
air, nor was it the result of incredibly loud music.
has done to people both overseas and here at home, have turned a blind eye toward and even aided dic-
No, this terrible pain in my skull is the result of
Romano had the gall to tell us that those who oppose tators far worse than Saddam Hussein. We are the
some horrible , painful words I saw on a piece of
war, or the "defeatists" and "isolationists" as he calls most hated country on the planet because of all the
paper today. The latest issue of the Patriot featured
them, are the true enemies of human rights and the terrible atrocities the United States Government has
an article by Robert J. Romano. The article, entitled
force that will destroy the freedom we enjoy in the committed during its involvement in the Middle
"The Fate of Freedom", started us off with a whim-
United States. He informs us, "One strain of conven- East before and during the war. By "spreading free-
sical little romp through American history-the
tional wisdom holds that it is not our responsibility dom and democracy" (and I use those terms loosely
good, patriotic parts at least. He told of how the
to spread freedom and democracy globally, that because we never had any plans to do anything with
rights we have are natural rights, or rights that all
certain peoples cannot ever live in freedom due to freedom and democracy), we are simply imposing
humans have. This was not the part that made my
their cultures and religions, and that we are not the our way of life onto other people, all in our search
skull try to crush my brain to numb the agony. No
world's policemen. Such isolationist tendencies for a good-sized oil field.
that started right around when he stated that the nat-
have been common throughout America's history, As for people believing that people who are
ural rights are country was founded upon are under
and they are no less dangerous today." Mr. Romano, of different races, religions, creeds, etc. cannot
assault from the "forces of evil". Thank you very
your statement leads me to wonder what your true enjoy basic human rights, all I want to know is what
much, Superman, but the last thing people need is
values are, not to mention what your grades in high rock has your head been under for all these years.
you scaring the crap out of them with black and
school American History were. First off, what you People who oppose the Iraqi war want ALL people
white terms such as this. This is exactly what Bush
don't know is that an isolationist desires his/her to have the same rights and freedoms that all human
did with his phantom "War on Terror" and that is
country to be cut off from all other nations in the beings are entitled to, some of which include not
why our friends and family are fighting and dying in
world, relying instead on total independence. The being bombed, invaded, not losing everything you
Iraq. But aside from that, Romano's words falsely
people who you call isolationists actually support own and everyone you love just so a multi-billion-
make one think that we are in a dangerous new era
a policy of "neutrality", or not getting involved in aire can steal a few more million. What about the
of American history. That if we don't take up arms
every single war that happens on Earth. A policy freedom to be able to safely walk outside your own
and fight for freedom that we are not in.danger of
that was enacted by President George Washington. home, or stay in it for that matter? I have never
losing, we will lose our way of life to the terrorists.
You know, one of our founding fathers? One of the heard anyone say the Iraqi people don't deserve
"Do we still hold the truth of natural rights to be self-
"men far wiser than us"? I'm sure you remember freedom, they most definitely do, but Bush took
evident?"' Apparently the Bush Administration has
him. those away from them. A nation occupied and con-
answered Romano's question with a resounding
As for that strain of conventional wisdom, trolled by a foreign military, and therefore under
"no". Being bombed and invaded without provoca-
you got two out of the three right. We do NOT have martial law, is a nation that lacks freedom.
tion by a major superpower on the other side of the
the responsibility, or even the right, to invade and Your tirade against anti-war activists
planet is actually the exact opposite of natural
Americanize the world in the search for more money, (again referred to in "The Fate of Freedom as
6
Press Conspiracy To Steal World's Air Supply Expo sed!
By Dr. Pizda Wolfowitz Huyova XVIII Esq. been reported that Herlich has asked for a trip to
Europe, Filippazzo has asked for a Winnebago
[For the Copy Editor's Eyes Only: Before run- and Willemain has asked for peace on Earth and
ning this, check with Joe to see if it would be good will towards mankind.
premature to reveal that the socialist training In addition, to more easily facilitate the
camp rumor is a gag. Also, this article, while plan, The Comrade has learned that the staffers
funny, wastes an opportunity to criticize the of The Press have located a quantity of the elu-
essential element of the Patriotpiece it is paro- sive, highly valuable substance known as "the
dying- that there is no nepotistic rightistdomi- Schwartz," which will be the rocket fuel to
nation of student government. Also, does this launch their immoral plan. Working on that por-
spaceship run exclusively on ethanol or the Photo courtesy of Pizda Huyova tion of the ship is a small man known only as
Schwartz? You can't have it both ways, anony- speakers, which will broadcast "I Got a Man" by "Neighbor" who rips the base off of a menorah
mous parodizer! Plus I couldn't resist changing Positive K at unheard-of decibel levels through- and simultaneously snorts nine lines of a
the drug "combination" to a "cocktail".] out the globe. cocaine, Ritalin, peyote and gingko biloba cock-
The Comrade has learned of what The tail every hour on the hour, and fornicates with
Stony Brook Press staffers Joe Press will demand, and it is nothing short of hor- three Press staffers every night.
Filippazzo, Dustin Herlich and Matt Willemain rific in nature. Among the demands: the imme- Various Stony Brook University person-
are the ringleaders of a three-year-old conspira- diate replacement of George Bush with Janeane nel refused to comment; however, a source
cy to steal the world's air supply, and hold it for Garafolo, who would then preside over the inside the University's Undergraduate Student
ransom until a series of immoral, Godless, liber- Socialist States of AmeriCanada; the establish- Government says that an act will be introduced
al demands are met, The Comrade has learned. ment of "socialist training camps" throughout at the next Senate meeting to attempt to thwart
The three staffers, along with several of the central US; giant homosexual orgies to be The Press' heinous ideas. The People's Edict
their liberal Press henchmen, have been hard at held in Salt Lake City, Utah, and Birmingham, Ending Press Editorial Elegance (P.E.E.P.E.E.)
work in a bunker several miles underneath the Alabama, with a special bestiality orgy in Act will allow USG to go into the Press Office
university. There, they are constructing a giant, Austin, Texas; that PETA be allowed to take to confiscate every piece of computer equipment
environmentally friendly spaceship, which runs over England; the torching of all houses of reli- and burn effigies of Press staffer Marcel
Sonly on ethanol. Upon completion of the ship, it gious worship; that all Rupert Murdoch-owned Votlucka. The computer equipment would then
will be launched from underneath the fountain in stations worldwide be taken off the air in favor be placed in a cage with 50 lemmings, with the
the Academic Mall. When it establishes orbit, of a 24-hour Japanese squid demon anime porn expectation that the lemmings would be able to
the ship will transform into a gigantic fornicat- network and, lastly, that Bjork be named Grand crank out a monthly newspaper, which has'the
ing lesbian couple in coital positions. The Emperor and Goddess of The Earth. In addition, working title The Partisan. The USG source
mouths of each lesbian whore are allegedly The Press has asked for 250,000 tons each of told The Comrade, "We don't care about things
powerful enough to suck the world's air supply black tar heroin, marijuana, psilocybin and like blurry pictures, poor layout, and all that
out of the atmosphere. To scare the world even White Castle hamburgers, to be delivered to the other shit. Fuck, it's not like it's a real newspa-
further, the breasts are equipped with powerful Press Office by Ford Escape hybrids. It has also per or anything."

The Crossword Puzzle-tariat

Across Down
One heart that won't beat -c
Poem by Joe Rios 1. America's 2. Over 100,000
people do this in
I must go, I can't stay.
What will you do when I go away
Greatest and Iraq.

The pavement I stand on top of

most current
Will soon be on top of me
President of
I couldn't take the stress
And the technology failed on me. the United
rN A A 11
My plans were unfurled
Before I could take over the world.
States ot
My boss doesn't have a clue
America
I don't know what he'll do

This is a poem about the end of me

And my name is Richard Chaney.

7
 Jeff, Are You a True Patriot? Alliance is this: do not stop protesting this war, of the courageous Americans fighting for their
By Joe Safdia
because your voices of reason must be heard. If lives right now overseas in both Iraq and
The other night, I found myself reading anything, find a way to spread the message to Afghanistan. But is being the "epitome of an all
the second issue of The Patriot (for laughs of more and more people. American soldier" really the best thing one
course), when I found a most disturbingly prop- As for the protestors loathing our sol- could do? It's phrases like this that make people
aganda-filled article by Jeffrey Kruszyna, diers fighting for Iraq, where do you come off think that fighting a war is one of the greatest,
President of SBU College Republicans and spewing bullshit like this? The anti-war stu- most glorious things you could take part in. But
Executive Vice President of USG. In his article, dents of this campus have nothing but respect in reality it is harsh not only on the soldiers
"A True Patriot to Visit SBU", Kruszyna starts and admiration for the soldiers risking their lives themselves, but also on their friends and family,
off with words that should anger anyone who everyday. As a matter of fact, it is because we who sit at home and wonder if their loved ones
reads them. He states, "Last week's anti-war support our troops that we protest the war. We will make it back alive. It is phrases like the "all
protest was more like a showcase of everything don't want our mothers, fathers, husbands, American soldier" that are used to advertise war
that is wrong with the Stony Brook establish- wives, sons and daughters fighting and dying on to the unsuspecting people of this country.
ment. Besides the flagrantly anti-American some foreign battleground. No, we'd rather LTC Rutter is more than deserving of our
atmosphere-the festival's sponsor, the Social have them home safe with their families. The respect and admiration, he is a great man who
Justice Alliance, seems to loathe those brave "flagrantly anti-American atmosphere" comes has served his country with dignity and honor.
men and women who put their lives on the line from a loathing of the ad: 7ho "exemplifies everything
every day in order to defend our freedoms." tinues to send these innm is right about America"?
That sound you hear is an entire college campus people to their deaths for to disrespect the Lieutenant
groaning in pain. Congratulations, Jeff, for your own personal gain, and it )nel, but I personally believe
simple-minded, hate-filled propaganda has comes from the frustration there are other and better
earned you a place on my bad side, a place you people who defend this ac s to serve your country. I
do not want to be. Kruszyna continues on, to tell istration for doing so. eve that the pen is mightier
us the story of Lieutenant Colonel Scott Rutter, Kruszyna, what I'd lik Sthe sword. Rather than
who he calls a "true patriot". My question for know is do you, someone ing the military and fighting
you, Jeff, is this:. are you a true patriot? seems to support Bush's s, I believe it's better to
"Last week's anti-war protest was more for oil, support our trc %althe truth about our socie-
like a showcase of everything that is wrong with Because in my eyes, one nd government to the people
the Stony Brook establishment." So people agrees with sending people off to war for no rea- through the media in order to stop the wars. So
exercising their First Amendment right of son at all doesn't seem to have much support or in my eyes, I am serving my country by writing
Freedom of Speech is a showcase of what's respect for anyone but themselves. this article. The Social Justice Alliance was
wrong with the Stony Brook establishment? Or Kruszyna goes on to tell us of the serving this country by protesting the war. If
being against a senseless war that has not only impressive track record of Lieutenant Colonel you think you are such a freedom-loving patriot,
killed tens of thousands of Iraqi citizens, but also Scott Rutter, who served this country during Mr. Kruszyna, then pick up a sign, a pen, or
thousands of our own soldiers? I fail to see how both Persian Gulf Wars. I'm not going to repeat whatever you can think of and do whatever you
college students calling for peace instead of all of his accomplishments, but for once can to help show our government that this war
bloodshed is anything other than a showcase of Kruszyna and I agree. LTC Rutter deserves must end now and we want our soldiers home. I
everything that is right with the Stony Brook nothing less than our deepest respect for his mil- mean, you do support our troops, right? Then
establishment, My message to the Social Justice itary accomplishments. Not just Rutter, but all help bring them home!

A "Patriot" Doesn't Know

His Head From His Ass
A commentary on one day and I saw a clever little bumper war is generally a detrimental thing to our
a commentary by Joe Rios sticker that read "support our troops, bring troops. No war means no dead soldiers.
them home alive!" Suddenly it hit me like a Despite droves of mindless soccer moms and
In an article titled "A True Patriot to "lemon slice wrapped around a gold brick," conservatives with their "Support our
Visit SBU" by Jeffrey Kruznya appeared in there wasn't anything wrong with the rally, troops" bumper stickers and clever car mag-
the most recent issue of the conservative there was something wrong with the so nets, I REFUSE to submit to the mindless
called "troop supporters." support of the American war machine. For
paper The Patriot,it had a few words to say
Now I don't want to go on a rant here that exact reason I say that these so called
with regards to the anti-war protest, which
go as follows; "Besides the flagrantly anti- BUT.... Well actually I'm not going to write "Patriot" does not know their head from
American atmosphere - the festival's spon- a huge assed rant about it, I'm just going to their ass, and they should take a few minutes
sor, the Social Justice Alliance, seems to reason the whole situation as follows: to get their priorities strait!
People tend to thinkthat only evil lib- The next time someone says "I sup-
loathe those brave men and women who put
erals who wish massive deaths upon our port our troops!". remind them that their
their lives on the line every day in order to
troops hold anti-war rallies. This couldn't be stickers and magnets were made in china by
defend our freedoms."
further from the truth... in my eyes, the anti- 8 year old children, and tell them that if they
I sat there for a moment pondering it,
and kept on pondering it until I was driving war movement couldn't be a greater support want to help their troops, demand to have
of our troops because last time I checked, them brought home... ALIVE!
 - · :: ·-
1

1
Lterr Lessxs
Hello, gooc people. It's tiw\e for oratker Emcwle
v : o one knows tkoat your V\ow\ sucks 6erc,;se 1: Qrc;Je tke;kr,g worcK. coe-
oe
lesson\;\ vv\odernv r yo\w\o-r/
lvre o re kje goat c-ocks tkatc ske Yoesn't even knowJ.
Sooc! .
You see tke o~-;ere\ce? Tke seco&o one seew\s CTke3're/ Tke;r/ Tkere) newspaper rec6lly scuxs.
L-essov~ 3. Tkat o I;ttle oxro;o. 1 wo
• ero
er k.
I skoul tell yoi (tkey're/tke;r/tkere) o bawck
'"T-o" ;s cow\WmonluseoLword~, wuk Lesson\ Tkere, Tke;r, cn ThkeY're of w\;mdless w\orons for wcak;vn oa -oer l.;ke tkat.
;s usecd so cow\w\oJy;t rees to be el;;r\cated-
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M \;s- One of tkose w\oronys ss r;k±t over
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e of Oeenet ojr;fty octuloy kove rVoth;k to do u;ttk ore notker.
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I7 see sw\;/l;r ck;idrer. Ecywrfle 1: (Tke're/Tke;r/T7kere) a're peo-le over
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ll off (tkey're/tke;r/tkere) go;p
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rose, coes't t? surelybe •uc-keoa by tkof bfg doorkey Uc-ker." (tke3're/tke;r/tkere) newscfaper. AMloyhe
(tke're/tkeir/tkere) newspaper ;s so bo~A
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cas ;n 'T-ey're reacll, o-sk;xg -or tke dor~key to be tke t;w\e, ;rstefecd of e;\g (tkey're/tke;r/tkere) ;
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gcat c-ocks ske &oesn't even knowj. wep-fer.
A/o, try 0e fu\ -pw\e!
Here's C/ bod eor4ale:

Page 55
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Page 57
 - ·· II- ·· ···· ·· · ·· .... ~~~.~.~.~~~.._.~_.~..~.~..~~_~_~_.~~_L..

"Great googly moogly!

These numbers are
astounding!"

Buried deep beneath Red Sox

Mountain, the world's most
powerful supercomputer finishes
:a series of complex calculations,
and prints results into a hopper.

--- - ------- --- -

F

4-4 Phil Seibel approached

Keith Foulk. "Hey, Keith,
--
a, some of us are going
YOUVR 004 WORLD 4.4

CO
·
topside to play some catch,
why'oncha come along?"
SERIES ICHAMPION

(/er/e,

'= iS

"Ok, this is a top pri--

WSait a minute. I'm only
seeing Keith Foulke.
Where
are
Kevin
Millar
and
David
)rtiz?"

_·_ __ ·_ ·_ I · ·_· __ ____

·_ ·_ ·__

"Oh yeah!b" began Foulke.

Episode Five:
"Mlmm . Nrmm. Don'
wanna. Still sleeping.
Get--get off. Leemee
Ione."

x ,still sleeping!"
"Ortiz
"Well get him the hell up!"
"He doesn't want to/"
"I don't care!
Get back in there!" Off The Charts
"David Ortizi Get "Oh yeahi"
out of bed!"
__L I

Page 58
 lWe're supposed to scour
this distant ridge. Some
thing out here is showing
up all kinds of crazy on
the Supercomputer!"

--- m _· --

"Oh, hold up. Katie Keith Foulke scrambled

bar the door! up the cliffside, and
What's that up ahead, came upon a weird and
up on that cliffside? mysterious sight.

"This is it, all right!

You guys better get
your arses up here!"

"Oh yeah! You got it,

Millarl Let's check it
. .......
out! Ortiz, come here .......:.
.....

and give me a boost!"

· ;o

--· ··~· ·· __ 1.._*~~~._

___.
- II " 'r II " I " "' I "" " I " 1 111~
Journeyman utility
"What do you "Man, I got no idea. infielder Ricky Gutierrez
suppose 1 let's chimed in with similar
thing is, at it. questions.
Millar?" back
:o it, "Yeah, Theo. What
P.p
are you going to
do with that
crazy moon
rock?"

"So where is this

thing going, and
what is it for?"

r r

i I 11 I Ir I

"Um...to tell you the

truth, I don't know."

"I guess we could...

make bats out of it?"

--- ~~~·lld--~r
--- L~1I--~IPT~--*~PY ~·~Lqpl I 1 -·I · 1 --- IL_-~L-·LII r·--~ - ~-r~Cl~a L

Page 59
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WHAT MOM.? My Preist
says I'm the sexiest altar-boy in
the whole chuech !!!
Ad
And 'm
pregnant !!! Me and'
Sy pimp are so happ
v~gý 'N i.11

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Page 61
 -- r* I ·· Ii 9 C"9 " II Ik 1 S. . . ." . . .. . . .. . . .. . .

Anastacio Martinez
"Come on guys. I only
exhuded a cool confidence
crashed the plane, you
behind the controls of
know, a few times."
the Red Sox 747.

A few of your 2004 World "Hey, Anastacio...

Series Champion Boston You're not, um...going
Red Sox were winging home to crash again, are you?"
after a tropical vacation...

·*5
ks\ S
Cr~ <u
Episode 6:
cotJ i~
4.'

^i1 +*
YOUR P004 WORLD +-»
C^
SERIES IHAMPION

Splashdown
Runaround

1~

"About a hundred. But

I'll be honest with you,
Alan. After the first few,
my mind wandered, and
I think I've just been
autographing them."

"Man," began Trot Nixon,

"these beaches are perfect
for dirt surfing.

Especially out here by

the right field wal."l

" " " " """ " """" "'

----------- -- -- --- ----- -- --

"Aw, come on, Alan. Cut "So, Dougie, what are we

me some slack. You don't looking at, here? How
even know. Dougie and long until the makeshift
I have been hard at work. bamboo laptops
wr i * - '.. , . y <e» nrli r» cr
2Pa
we yve
someth
just ab<
put
togethe
that's
going tt
"Get with the program, be a
Nixon! Look at Bill real
Mueller, here. Now this help,"
guy has been showing said
some hustle, foraging!". Nixon.

Page 62
 '1L~1P ·· ··I ~- ~-se Ir~Tlp~

Doug Mirabelli was game.

"Ok, Sox, you heard the.
man. Let's get on up in
that cave-piece. There
could be something
useful in there."

"Sounds frivolo us,"

dismissed Embree.
"Besides, I can't see so
good in that dark. You
guys go on in, I'll try
to finish those laptops."

......
1......~._.1.
__~.~.· _.. . . . __..._~__~I_
..~....
I1L I il .
---
-----------
--
"Are you kidding me?
Deep in the island cave: Whose gold is that?"

"Hold fast and belay

Gold doubloons! yer' pilferin', dog!"

II I ~ " rll ""' 1 " I " I II r 'I " II~~I

L~

"Pirates!
Run!"

_~__ .~- r__._~_

·-- r ·~· " " "'-" "lw ··-·-·····-·-
r·-····· rr r r rr r

I[
II
"So, I got those
emails working.
h On rules^ I muelfle o basoon
tIIEhthhIZ - I rac---------cl

Leskanic is on
the way with the
ol' Sox Copter."
I I

Page 63
 The Qu for Toleran ce U~e

An Old Church, in a New World

Augustine By Matthew
First, let me start by saying I am reli- Yassir Arafat. I'm not attempting to draw per- priesthood. He would think it was a grand thing
gious, but unorthodox. I do things in my own sonality parallels; it's not about that. It's the for a man to start a family and also be a priest.
special little way. Things like the Holy Spirit opportunity to make the most of a given situa- It is terribly nescient to suggest that God would
and Jesus as my savior don't have much of a res- tion, to not let it pass us by. The Pope presided, judge people based on these things. The thir-
onance with me. The Gospel is something akin to over one of the most exclusionary, prejudiced teen-year-old pregnant rape victim, you would
a fairy tale; it's entertaining and perhaps has institutions in the world. He did his part, with deny her salvation because she took a morning
some deeper meaning if you care to search for it. reaching out to Judaism, contributing against after pill? I wouldn't. I was always taught that
Like most people of my generation, I find church communism, and making himself available to God's love is universal, and it's one of the things
dull and mostly uninspiring. I don't think it's the people. However, with his passing, we have that stuck with me. I was also taught to turn the
really Jesus' blood, symbolic or not it's a novel an opportunity to name someone whom is will- other cheek, and to promote brotherhood and
idea, but archaic to me. ing to attempt to be considerably more progres- peace. I just can't imagine the God that is taught
Second, let me say that I know this is a sive. The extreme conservatism the Pope was to us as being the same God that forbids so many
hypersensitive subject for many people, so I known for won him praise, and harsh criticism. things. Moral guidelines? Sure. The Ten
want to be very clear that I'm attempting to be Bill Clinton has come under a lot of fire recent- Commandments serve as a fantastic ideological
honest, and am in no way trying to offend. To me ly, but I think he said it best when he said, " framework. However, excommunicating a homo-
however, everything gets in the way of "God," The number of Catholics increased on his watch. sexual and condemning them in the name of God
whether my perception of God, or yours, But the number of priests didn't. He' s like all of is an atrocity.
whichever suits you. I don't think God cares if I us - he may have a mixed legacy." This perfect- The thing here is, you're allowed to have
sing His name at the top of my lungs. I don't ly illustrates the division any far leaning agen- your own opinion. If you find contraception sin-
think God wants people going through the sub- An ,7 n-11 AM 7ýk1 . 1M . v , f% Ms1,+ ITM
- n 1 r.. ful, it's your right as a person to do so. If you
ways making their peers anxious and uncom- don't want a woman to be a priest, if you refuse
fortable while "preaching the good word." I to associate with people whom don't believe in
don't think God wants everyone in the world to the same things you do, that's fine. However,
worship Him. What omnipotent being would be saying these things in Gods name is a complete-
so controlled by such earthly egotism? ly different story. Whether Pope, Cardinal,
The conceptualization and essence of Bishop or Priest, the influence you wield in
God is something greater then the church. I doing so as a leader is enormous, particularly in
pray, its unstructured, and I don't like the can- an organization that claims over a billion mem-
dor associated with revealing this here, but I do bers. Exclusionary practices breed the preju-
it at home. I do not feel the obligation to- attend dice that the world is trying so desperately to
Sunday mass. I think that God knows me for who Catnolocism is not alone in its ostracism move away from.
I am, and that's what matters. I anticipate there and rejection of certain groups and practices. Perhaps there is scriptural precedence
is heaven and hell, that something happens after Almost every major world religion is exclusion- for these beliefs, I'm sure it can be interpreted
my body gives up. Eternal darkness is wholly ary to some extent, but I'm speaking from hav- that there is. I am no expert in scripture, and I
unappealing. Perhaps religion was created to ing grown up a Catholic, attended a Catholic don't pretend to be. You can take out of anything
fill that void, who knows really? I do believe God high school, and personally witnessed the stig- whatever you'd like. Yet, there is a large differ-
exists; we all need to believe in something. The ma the Catholic dogma has inflicted on its fel- ence between a moral code such as the Ten
church helps to provide the means to this end. lows. It is also especially prevalent as the Commandments, and the practices Martin
To many, it is the physical representation of chance to adapt and ameliorate with a leader Luther protested against so many years ago. I
their beliefs. willing to be more inclusive is upon us. truly hope a leader is elected that will be will-
This is why you saw the images of so The church is brazenly anti-women and ing to be more progressive, more flexible and
many people crying, mourning the Pope's death. anti-homosexual. The church has many axioms more willing to open up the churches doors. To
Lines a mile long to see his body, to say good- that are problematic and quite dated in today's follow John Paul's steps and start running with
bye, to wish him well on his journey. People world. Beliefs such as the lack of decay indicat- them, truly creating a society of not just reli-
believe, fervently and whole-heartedly they ing sainthood are downright antiquated. I gious unity, but interpersonal tolerance and
believe. Typically when someone has so much understand there is a fine line to be toted when acceptance.
passion, we are either .enraptured and curious, interpreting scripture, and it is hard to over- It's a difficult thing to do, as beliefs run
or skeptical and condescending. When I see come precedent and tradition without tripping deep. Inevitably people will be offended, will
this, I lean towards the latter, yet I am almost over yourself. However, it's common knowledge dissent. The next Pope needs to accept this, and
envious. I wish to be caught up, to have so much the church is in a quandary in regards to a lead by example. He will have to be brave
faith in something, to feel so strongly. Yet, I decline in priests, and maintaining a base in enough to throw out traditions and reform prac-
don't, and that's who I am and it's all I can do, many first world nations. The fact that the Pope tices that have no place in today's church. To
envy. Yet, if nothing else, whether you're an took a hard line stance on things such as the extend an open hand to people of all lifestyle's,
atheist or a Muslim, a Jew or a Buddhist you death penalty, abortion, stem cell research, and cultures, and beliefs - both male and female.
must admit at the very least that the world lost celibacy alienated a large portion of the popu- Or, perhaps things will stay the same.
a great leader. I will concede this; I am touched lace, realistically only contributed to the It's possible the beliefs of the church, the
by the loss in regards to its effect on other peo- dilemma. The unfailing conservatism of his structure, code, and all of the doctrines, beliefs,
ple. I empathize with them. papacy exasperated the gap between theology and practices that are exclusionary and dis-
However, I can't help but feel like this is and modern culture. criminatory really are accurate interpretations
in some vague sense similar to the passing of God, to me, would not praise or condemn of Gods word. That's ok though if they are,
vou because you are a homosexual. To me, He because that's vour God, mine doesn't believe in

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; th rod and
thh stafI, they com fort me." - Psalm 2:4'

This isboth His might9 staff and His mighty rod.

-_
15-ml 'g, ký rod
 Panda GivesBir in Some Zoo...Who Can es?
By Vincent Michael Festa
A panda gave birth last year at the San It's about what bad things priests, how John Q. Public can help to keep prices down
Diego Zoo. But you didn't know that. Who cares? teachers, and corporate workers have done. or how to make more money while crawling and
It wasn't about the President, his war on an Forget about all the good things the priests, suffering through life and a now-till-death
innocent country that had nothing to do with the teachers, and corporate workers have done. debt.
9/11 terror attacks, or another United States It's all for lazy heiresses who never It's no longer about 'Teacher Of The
power move on the world. It's all about the worked a day in their lives, who are paid movie Year' or 'Father Of The Year'. More like "are you
"great" progress of what our President is doing roles on-screen and off-screen, talentless sis- my father?"
to protect us from terrorists and to protect our ters living in the shadows buying their stardom, It's about shopping at Wal-Mart or
freedom. Target and trying so hard to dress up like a
It's all about freedom and liberation of cliche because the media cares so much about
Iraq. It's not about the decades-long civil wars how you should look so as to be part of society.
and the thousands of people being killed in There's no room for creation or new ideas like
Nigeria, Rwanda, or Uganda. Africa has nothing dressing up as a leather sadist, vampire, or goth
to do with America's game plan, so why should girl. The media hates those.
we care? It's about Hollywood using gays and les-
It's about blanketing us with God, and bians as "darling little playthings" because
that's the way the Bible belt wants it to be, and they should always be seen in this light and it's
nothing else. It's not about a country where fun. Anything else and we never knew you. "Yes,
Moses, Allah or Buddha can co-exist. No, we yes! Look at the gay guy! Look! Look! Isn't he
can't have that. "One Nation Under God", or else. cute with that silly voice and his fashion sense?
It's about White Man's Land in the Dance for the camera! Yes! Yes!"
media. Anyone else is just a media stereotype of It's all for new ideas for teens on how to
the Mexican immigrant, the hot-blooded Arab one-up on each other. It's about putting people
terrorist, or the black drug-dealer. in their place, making them cry, how to laugh in
It's how Social Security will work out for other people's faces or say "I don't care" and
the 1%, not about the other people who are throwing them out when someone else needs
protesting and speaking out for better working sympathy.
conditions, humane treatment of the environ- It's all about the cars, the cash, the drug
ment, or raising the minimum wage pocket deals, the gunshots, the bullet holes, and most
change. . .. .. .. . .. .
. ... ........... . .. .. . . importantly the "bitches". Who cares about
It's no longer about expressing yourself rhyming, graffiti, subway trains, records, or the
in the newspaper or on the 5 o'clock news on how consciousness of rap. That doesn't sell!
bad living conditions are, unless it's watered It's what the media wants to tell you and
down and safe for mass consumption so that cor- or- backward-minded gold-diggers awarded with what you should believe, not about making your
porations can throw it out or turn it off. No real- their own reality shows for the masses who just own informed decisions and thinking freely.
emotion, no screaming, crying, anger, no ques- don't care. The people who do good are not the Anything outside of the "box" is bad for the
tions or complaints answered: only after you're ones to look up to, no no no no! They don't have media's pocket and no one else besides the
handcuffed at the rally or protest, or living in a millions or the power to make us laugh out loud. media deserves money in their pockets.
dilapidated building in a high-crime shoot-out It's about numbers going up. Never a Yes, indeed. It's all about fear, loathing,
neighborhood. dull moment without the scare of rising oil using, tragedy, distraction, lies, celebrity,
It's the next great distraction about a prices suffocating the average Joe or Jane in pride, and frustration. It's not about true free-
woman's life hanging in the balance only as an which we have no choice, or how costs of hospi- dom of the press or freedom of mind, it's really
excuse to show who has the power to dictate our tal bills and health insurance are going up about Big Media!
lives, and not about life itself. instead of all going down. Never will we hear
 - · I' I I

I
Dispelling the My ts of Magic
By Andrew Pernick and Bill Lewis
In this age of instant communication and MYT H: There's no such thing as magic. Secondly, the pentagram is but one of many
access to information, a wealth of disinforma- REAl LITY: Since emotional (i.e. natural) ener- sacred symbols in paganism and Wicca. Third,
tion, lies, rumors, and myths continue to flour- gies are expended during prayer so that that some don't feel the need to wear a pentagram.
ish regarding Wicca and paganism. These whict Sis prayed for happens or manifests, Simply put, this is a matter of personal prefer-
untruths are ever-present and damaging, and orave r is a tvne of magic. To deny that magic ence and belief.
have shown their ugly faces even at SUNY Stony works is to deny that prayer works. If this is
Brook. In order to shed some light on the mat- the case, why do you pray? MYTH: All pagans are open about being pagan
ter, to make the truth known so that ignorance or Wiccan.
can no longer be an excuse for the dissemination MYTH: I've got a friend who wears all black and REALITY: Due to the many myths, half-truths
of these falsehoods, we shall address these whose skin is very pale. She's got to be a witch, and outright lies about Wicca and paganism,
myths and lies and correct them and thus make right? many conceal their religion out of fear of being
reality triumph over gross stupidity and mali- REALITY: Goddess no! That is a very stereo- ostracized, alienated, insulted, discriminated
cious rumor-mongering. typical view of pagans and Wiccans. While it is against, and even, in some cases, physically
We must begin with a few simple defini- true that some pagans and Wiccans are Goths, attacked.
tions, since one cannot show what properties a the vast majority dress just like you do and try
thing lacks without first showing what proper- their best to blend into the social world. In fact, MYTH: Wicca and paganism are not real reli-
ties a thing has. In this vein, let us first define the person sitting right next to you right now gions in the'US.
paganism. Paganism is the worship of multiple could quite possibly be a pagan or Wiccan. REALITY:Paganism and Wicca have been rec-
and distinct Gods and Goddesses along with ognized, in some way, shape or form, as reli-
deep ritualistic practices designed to achieve a gions in the US since the US Air Force recog-
higher state of consciousness or being, the lat- nized Wipca as a religion in the 1950's.
ter referring to personal and spiritual growth. However, Wiccans and pagans are not accorded
All pagans believe in magic, the projection of the same status as non-pagans by certain US
natural energies to effect needed change. While institutions.
paganism may draw upon concepts from Eastern
religions and philosophies, all pagan religions MYTH: Pagans and Wiccans don't have holi-
are distinctly Western. Although pagans days.
acknowledge Christianity, Judaism, and Islam REALITY: For Wiccans and pagans, the two
as valid paths to Deity, pagans, as a matter of equinoxes, Ostara (around 3/21) and Mabon
faith, do not believe in the Abrahimic pantheon. (around 9/21), and the two solstices, Yule
In addition, Pagans do not have nor require a (around 12/21) and Midsummer (around 6/21),
central figure in whom all power over questions are holy days. As well, there are four other
of faith and morals lies. Paganism is not a spe- holy days: April 30 (Beltaine), August 1
cific religion in and of itself but is, in fact, an (Lughnasadh), October 31 (Samhain), and
umbrella term for all religions that fit the above February 2 (Imbolc). Various other pagan reli-
definition. gions may have other holy days, but these eight
Wicca is a pagan religion that worships holy days are common to virtually all pagan
one God alongside one Goddess, with the belief religions and serve as the high holy days.
in the twin notions of duality and balance in all
things, especially in Deity. All of Wiccan MYTH: Pagans and Wiccans don't believe in
morals and ethics derive from the Wiccan Rede, science.
"An ye harm none, do what thou Will;" in other REALITY: Since nature and life are sacred,
words, "An it harm none, including yourself, pagans and Wiccans endeavor to learn more
whether by. action or inaction, bring into this about both to learn more about the Divine. To do
world and create in this world... the ultimate MYTH: Pagans drink blood. this, pagans and Wiccans study many things,
goal or destiny [you] want to attain (Amber REALITY: Not only is all life sacred, but including science (but not pseudoscience), to
Laine Fisher, The Philosophy of Wicca, pp 150- pagans and Wiccans are, as a whole, very health- better their understanding of the universe and
conscious. Drinking blood is extremely all it encompasses.
151)." All Wiccans believe in some form of
karmic return for their actions, good and bad; unhealthy, not to mention sacrilegious.
some believe this karmic return to come three- MYTH: The Craft and Buffy the Vampire
fold ("The Threefold Law"). Although little MYTH: The five-pointed star is the symbol of Slayer are accurate depictions of magic.
'emphasis is placed upon it, all Wiccans believe the Devil. REALITY: NO! The type of "magic" you are
in some form of reincarnation. REALITY: One, pagans and Wiccans don't wor- referring to is fake - some call it "pyrotech-
With these definitions firmly estab- ship, not to mention don't believe in, the Devil. nics." Magic works in subtle ways. Movie magic
lished, we can now address the myths and lies Two, the symbol of tie Devil is an inverted cru- doesn't. Prayer doesn't work immediately, nor
that have been spread about paganism and cifix or cross. Three, the pentagram predates does it have cool special effects. Prayer is a
Wicca. Christianity by about 1500 years. In reality, type of magic, so why should other types of
the pentagram represents both the human body magic work immediately or have cool special
MYTH: Pagans are Devil-worshipers. and the five Aristotelean elements - Air, Earth, effects? Simply put, movie magic is designed to
REALITY! Pagans do not believe in the Fire, Water, and Faith (the topmost point). instill a sense of awe in the audie-nce to make
Christian pantheon. The Devil is a figure only money while real magic is designed to actual-
found within the Christian pantheon. MYTH: Pagans and Wiccans deny the existence ly work.
Therefore, pagans do not believe in the Devil. It of a soul.
is impossible to worship something you don't REALITY: To the contrary - all life is sacred MYTH: Pagans and Wiccans must do their cer-
because each and every living thing has a soul, emonies and rituals naked.
believe in.
including pagans and Wiccans. For this reason, REALITY: This is a matter of tradition and
MYTH: Pagans sacrifice animals, children, some pagans and Wiccans are vegetarians or personal preference. Besides, there's this thing
babies, virgins, etc. vegans. called "snow."
REALITY: Pagans hold that that every living
MYTH: All pagans and Wiccans wear penta- MYTH: Wiccans and pagans don't drink.
thing has a soul and therefore all life is sacred.
Thus, to kill for religious purposes would be grams. REALITY: First of all, it is the custom among
sacrilegious. REALITY: First off, some don't like jewelry. Wiccans, and some other pagans, to end a ritual

Page 66
 Dispelling the
May's the Time to Move Away
Myths of Magic
By Tara Lynne Groth
Continued... Along with thousands of other students
on campus I will be graduating this May.
New Jersey
First thing you think of: Garden State
Students move back home, some move for a job or First thing you want when you arrive: To
By Andrew Pernick and Bill Lewis to follow a love, a few may have never left home,_ _drive through as fast as possible-because it
several may be backpacking Europe, the soulful stinks!
by eating and drinking, typically ale or wine. brace themselves for the open road, and others Contrary to the commoners' belief-that
Second, while writing this article, the authors pop the zippers stuffing their suitcases with Jersey is all 1-95, it's actually mainly farm-
both had a couple of beers. Everything, accord- plans of moving some place new for no other land. Some beaches too. The abyss is fictional.
ing to paganism (and therefore according to reason because we can and because wanderlust So while you're milking a cow on the Jersey
Wicca),-is to be done in moderation, including is stifling. We may discover the 'grass isn't shore, think of me.
drinking. For the insanely curious, the beer always greener' or alternatively that 'change is Arizona
consumed during the writing of this article was good.' In all the excitement that anticipation First thing you think of: Grand Canyon.
Sapporo. arouses it is easy to focus on all the benefits of First thing you want when you arrive: To
a new locale and belittle the negatives. What find Area 51.
one may expect to be the Garden of Eden may Area 51 is in New Mexico, Agent
really be the Garden of Egads. Mulder. You can combine the low cost of living,
If given the opportunity to move any- the sunny California-esque weather, and the
where in the United States...where would you urban culture of Phoenix with gargantuan
go? According to recent Frommer's travel books desert beetles and rattle snakes. Shake out your
and many an Internet search engine, a few loca- shoes in the morning for scorpions. Enjoy the
tions were granted the status of "Best Place to palm trees and the sand with NO OCEAN.
€S h - ril d rn?
u<i-lI
IL V U. oIn-,g .aCll·U Is VnII Ls tere ou, w llere wuIJ youu go
too, but let's think outside the I'll be in California
box. searching for a job. Even though
A Handful of Places to my dermatologist says that I
Live (in no particular order): "have skin that should never
Florida see the light of day" I brace
MYTH: You have to be in a coven to be pagan or First thing you think myself for the California sun. I
Wiccan. of: Mickey Mouse.. can at least spend the summer
REALITY: Due to the wide dispersement of First thing you want covered in high SPFs painting
pagans throughout the population, many pagans when you arrive: Air condi- light bulbs on the beach and
would have great difficulty in even finding a tioning. playing guitar' while people
coven. Upon finding a coven, one must be You'll need the enter- pay me not to sing; or more
accepted into that coven, which presents a sec- tainment parks when the realistically join the Hare
ond layer of difficulty for pagans and Wiccans. fresh squeezed orange juice Krishna. I like to travel. They
Also, many opt, for their own reasons, be they and slow drivers turn sour. must travel a lot; I always see
the difficulties involved in finding and joining The cost of living is cheaper, them at airports.
a coven or just simple personal preference, to but then again the salaries aren't as high as in In my life there is a routine that
work alone. New York. The beaches are beautiful, but you're becomes crushing at times-but it's more toler-
shark bait. You'll never have to shovel snow, but able when irreplaceable conversations decorate
MYTH: Pagan and Wiccan rituals are really just you won't have to clean your home either when my days. I question if leaving Long Island will
giant orgies. a hurricane huffs and puffs it to the ground. satiate my desires. I begin to doubt it will, and
REALITY: Ah, yes. The orgy question. NO! California I think I will just find the same routines,
Sex and sexuality are sacred, yes, but pagans First thing you think of: gold (please drones and aggravations as would be found any-
and Wiccans believe in moderation in all things. don't say Sideways-I didn't see it yet) where. If this is so, so be it. Some place new is
Considering the vast number of STD's and STI's First thing you want when you arrive: To at the very least-out of the ordinary. What it
one could be exposed to these days, orgies would see the Pacific. might not be is extraordinary. I see it my mis-
not be healthy undertakings - remember: pagans Surfers and So-Cal chickies make the sion to determine this.
and Wiccans believe the body to be sacred and beaches hot, and brush fires turn areas inland A girl, fellow Long Islander, I went to
thus to recklessly risk infection or disease into charcoal landscapes. You may have better college with during my spell in Rhode Island
would be profane and sacrilegious. Also, since odds of making it on MTV's-Pimp My Ride, but talked for the sake of talking, and only one
many pagans and Wiccans work alone, it would with car theft rates on the West Coast you'll be piece of wisdom I took from her. She believed
be quite difficult to have an orgy with only one- lucky if your car is waiting for you. While you that Long Island is a bubble and the people who
self. enjoy mudslides at a bar you could be covered live here believe they have the best, and that
with the real thing. You'll have sun all the time, even if you want to leave, the bubble traps you
Paganism and Wicca are victims of much but San Andrea's Fault could swallow you up in. You're safe from mudslides, tornadoes,
misunderstanding, partially due to the reli- under the bluest skies. tsunamis and the yeti. The most dangerous
gions' emphasis on seere y--We hope that we Nevada thing on Long Island is driving with so many
have given you a better understanding of who we First thing you think of: "Vegas, baby! deer. Back to the point, you can't leave this
are, what our religions are, and we also hope Vegas!" island unless you drive over a bridge, onto a
that we have answered many of the- questions S First thing you want when you arrive: To ferry, take a train or plane, or do the Andy
commonly asked of pagans and Wiccans. If you not lose money gambling. Dufresne and tunnel your way out like
have other questions or comments, if you wish to You can have a cheap wedding and a Shawshank.
discuss this further, or if you want to chat about pricy divorce-and no one would know (because But if you are fortunate enough to break
Wicca and paganism, you can email us at what happens in Vegas...). Supposedly you the seal and make your own bubble some where
usuireikimaster @hotmail.com (for Bill Lewis, don't feel the 90+ degree heat because there is else, how far would you go? The great thing
pagan), or [email protected] (for little humidity, but with citizens trying.to grow about bubbles is that some get pretty far before
Andrew Pernick, Wiccan). Blessed Be. grass in the desert and installing irrigation they pop.
Qv. tem.m thp. hrrnmp.tp.r in hp.inor p.hllP.ncr.r

......
Ai
 's
Ronkonkoima
By Tom Senkus
As one may or may not know, I take my aly. While it has a beach, in August it's closed Parsnips, and for the suburban hip, The
residence in the oft-mispronounced because of high bacteria content. Litter is abun- Snipper. Its music is horrible, the bartenders
Ronkonkoma. To those in the know, Roncompton. dant, and it's hard not to step on a soft drink cup are cliquey, but because the room is packed with
Actually, that's a bit harsh, but this town has or plastic wrapper. But, despite the crapifying desperate 40 year old and nubile naive females,
such odd quirks that I believe that anyone wish- the life aquatic, there's The Legend of the Lake. it's a good place to get your rocks off. Not that
ing to actually roam the town should get a In short, the legend's a story of an Indian I'd indulge in that sort of thing, but it's an expe-
healthy primer on my own Stinktown. princess' lover who commits suicide when he rience to have a mom-like female make out
Ronkonkoma is a hamlet, meaning that cannot be permitted to marry. The princess with...the side of yo' face!
it's voice in politics is nil, based on our minis- commits suicide herself, in a vow to take a young And the strip malls grow in abundance. There's
cule population. In other words, we are the Town male each year in honor of her loss. Smells a bit a store for everything you could want, but is
.of Islip's bitch. And despite our small size, I like R & J. In part, it's true. Yes, there's always there really a need for so many real estate
barely know anyone in our small town. That a bevy of males who die each winter (that cold offices, horse riding supply stores, and pizza
would seem odd, considering our downtown is a bitch!), but that's because, in suburbia, bored, joints? The Evil Empire of
faux-50's style double-sided strip mall. drunk jocks have nothing better to do than test Walmart/Kohl's/Super Stop and Shop strikes its
There's an unspoken hostility wafting off peo- the limits of thin ice. A creepy mosaic was claim further.
ple. Still thinking about moving? Well, if you
Said hostility can be accounted for by think about having your kids go to school, think
what our town really is: a commuter town. With again. Connetquot has gone on hosterity numer-
numerous methods of transportation, people are ous times and Sachem's high school split in
really just looking to get the hell out, go to work three to combat overcrowding, And that's not
and pass out. That's it. Two major highways are even accounting the so-called "rivalry" between
three miles apart, an airport runs almost 24-7, the two schools. It's more the perpetuation of
and the railway never ceases. sport coaches encouraging a vicarious pleasure
Speaking of the railway, the Long Island to maintain something that only the 70's can
Railroad is one of the tasteful things in bring back.
Ronkonkoma, in a pseudo-Tudor (say that five After graduating and revisiting
times fast) fashion, or at least I think it's Tudor. Connetquot High School, I found it to have
Besides the ubiquitous fast food and service recently gone under renovations, turning it into
shops, the three rival taxi companies add a com- a 50's modernist throwback clich6 eyesore.
petitive spice to the shit sandwich. Yells of By the way, you'll notice that many
"taxi" and outrageous driving are the norm. things in Ronk are bastardized versions of
Selfishly speaking, take Comfortable Ride Taxi. Indian names. Also BTW, Lake Ronkonkoma is
They're cheaper, there's less drugs in each driv- the same as Ronkonkoma, just with "lake" in
er, and the other two are tax write-offs. Also at front of it.
the rail is Tony, the homeless guy, with a smile Moreover, all this leads to a high level of
that encompasses "snaggletoothed" and an odd youthful rebellion. I can think of many fine
charisma. Apparently, he has sex with all sorts occasions exacting revenge on someone who cut
of Danish chicks on daily basis. . Riiiiiiight. me off, or burning a shopping cart in protest to
Another person of charisma isn't a per- corporate slavery. Seeing a 16 year old girl
son at all; but if it were a person, you'd give it smoking crack, or stoners loitering in front of
fellatio at the drop of a pant (or is it pants?) painted on a convenience store (Rosevale Avenue 'Sev, doesn't exactly live up to man's greatest
Little Vincent's is possibly the centerpiece of and Motor Parkway) with the Indian princess achievement. Windows are smashed nightly at
Ronkonkoma (Smithtown Boulevard and Rosedale demanding that "God Save This Town." the schools, and, much to my amusement, a cov-
Avenue). Feel free to irreverently buzz past the Weirder about the lake is the property value. I'd ered hole, incognito in the middle of the
red light at the corner and stop in for some of the hate to be the real estate agent trying to sell the Ronkonkoma Junior school, lies in wait for any
best pizza. You may disagree about the pizza lake-front property with trailer parks just newbie to twist their ankle.
quality (I love it!), but this establishment is blocks away. "Here's the foyer, the walk-in But there's some niceties. The bakery on
open until 2 am on Mon - Thur and 4 am on Fri - closets, and say hello to Bobby Ray wearing that Ocean Avenue and Johnson Avenue kicks major
Sun. In other words, stoner heaven. If you look Pantera shirt!" How would one go about explain- canola ass, the hidden nature preserve at
through bloodshot eyes, you can see a weird mix ing the Chicken Coop, a known crack house with Connetquot Park is gorgeous, and the seldom
of Greek/Italian entertainers. There's Telly chicken coops conspicuously out front. One of open bookstore on Lakeshore Drive peppers the
Savalas, a particularly homoerotic Tom Jones the greatest claims to fame of this area is that mind with mystery. Take it as it is, but this
and Lionel Hampton (c'mon, he could pass for two million dollars worth of cocaine were found town will surely disappoint.
Sicilian). The brick interior keeps the place buried in the yard of one of the prime proper- But I'm moving to Oregon. As with much
beastly warm in the summer, so after passing the ties. Go Ronkonkoma! of Long Island, the youth and the poor have no
enormous queue that forms in the summer, pre- If you need to get your bizzoooze on, options but to leave, to escape high property
pare to get stung by a wasp or two. Also, say Ronkonkoma's got you covered. Seven bars are taxes and quasi-quality value. Then again, when
hello to PizzaPuss, the cat in the parking lot who within walking distance of one another, making you can high-five the guys at 7/11, it's time to
subsists only on crusty cheese and cigarette this a DUI's dream. Most are Irish themed, or leave.
butts. have some gimmick of good food. One of my
The lake itself is something of an anom- favorites to wade through is Parsnip, called

Page 68
 Mandatory Insurance at In Response to
Dan Melucci's
USB: Cou lid it Happen?
By Ilan Nassimi
Statesman
At the end of March, the members of the
Executive Council of the Undergraduate Student
they had attempted to conduct a survey of the
students to find out popular opinion, and that
Commentary
Government (USG) received an e-mail from Andi the administration had ordered them to stop. By Sam Goldman
Abedini, a GSO (Graduate Student Organization) According to admin, they didn't appreciate the
Senator. The letter contained location informa- tone of voice in the survey. Afterwards, they Recently, in response to an article writ-
tion for a meeting with SHAC (the Student heard nothing from admin, until a recent notice ten in The Statesman, Faculty Student
Health Advisory Committee) and the Health was sent to them, telling them that the decision Association (FSA) President Dan Melucci wrote
Science Center. The meeting was in regards to a had been made. Instead, the administration did an article discussing some issues regarding
decision that had been made by the administra- a survey of their own, which was conveniently campus dining. I have some bones to pick.
tion, a decision to put a policy into place for fall done without the knowledge of any student Mr. Melucci addresses the price com-
'05, that would impose mandatory insurance on organization. As the survey was handed out, I plaint by stating that the cost of food subsidizes
all students, Undergraduate or Graduate, if they noticed, at the top of the survey, the term "N = things such as the number of eateries on campus
did not have their own. In the letter, Abedini 95". Ninety-five people: They surveyed nine- and what hours they are open. This is an inter-
pleaded for help on all fronts, especially from ty-five people out of a school filled with nearly esting statement. Interesting because it is not
USG. I was appalled. Who the hell did the 25,000 students. consistent with what has been said over the past
administration think they were to impose Finally, towards the end of the meeting, few years, namely that the Meal Plan Committee
mandatory, insurance on everyone? Dr. Bergeson and Peter Mastroianni began to takes a survey of prices around the Long Island
Myself, former USG Executive Vice crack. They told us that they would recommend area and makes its prices comparable. The FSA
President Esam al-Sheriffi and Student to Her Highness Shirley Strum that the admin- has never stated publicly, until Mr. Melucci's
Activities Board member istration put off the policy until real surveys piece in The Statesman, that when you but a
Tanya Poltoratskaia attended the meeting. The could be completed. After the meeting, I met a Coke, a certain amount of your meal plan money
administrator who had come to explain the deci- student who told me that she would actually
sion was the Medical Director for Student Health have to drop out of Stony Brook if the policy was
Services, Dr. Rachel Ann Bergeson. She implemented.
explained that the insurance would cost stu- At a recent Faculty-Student Association
dents almost $900 per person. Bergeson spoke (FSA) meeting, it was announced that admin had
for only a few minutes before the barrage of fire put off the policy until Fall '06, giving students
began against her. Representatives from GSO a full year to'fight the ruling. "I am glad that
and SHAC, including us from USG, all student the efforts of several...students .have con-
run organizations, began a verbal tongue lashing tributed to suspending this policy until suffi-
that lasted no less than hour. The GSO accused cient time is utilized to test its popularity and
the administration of behaving like a parent, utility with the student body..." said former
and demanded that they recognize that the Vice-President of USG, Esam al-Shareffi, after goes into something other than the price of the
administration had not taken the proper steps he heard the news. Coke, and taxes.
before imposing the policy. We threatened to We must continue the fight. The USG and GSO Why has the FSA not said this before?
throw the full weight of USG against it, and to are now giving out a survey to all students. It How much of, say, a twenty ounce Coke, goes to
hold student rallies outside the admin building. can be found in this newspaper or at the USG the FSA? Why do they need more costs besides
Bergeson responded with this despicable state- website: www.stonybrook.edu/usg the monies that they get from unused meal plan
ment: "...students don't want to pay for insur- Please help us fight the powers that be. I am points, the activation fees that the FSA encoun-
ance, instead they buy $150 pairs of sneakers." running for USG President on the CORE party ters, and the monies they receive for being the
As time passed, it became clear that the ticket, and if elected, I vow to continue to fight USG disbursement agent? Why can't the FSA
administration had purposefully avoided let- against student rights violations on this cam- better inform students about this?
ting the students know about their decision. A pus, in whatever form they take. My second question regards the idea that
representative from SHAC mentioned to us that the FSA has not evaluated the campus food serv-
ice for at least six years. This would' mean,
among other things, that certain complaints that
are out of the reach of the Meal Plan Committee
could have been brought before the FSA and not
have gotten attention until long after the com-
plaining student has graduated. Why has it
taken that long? Why not, say, every other year?
If a student is paying for the meal plan through-
out their college life, they deserve t6 have their
voices be heard before they graduate.
My last comment is this: Mr. Melucci
talks about the Meal Plan Resolutions Committee
being the place that students can bring issues to
the FSA and Chartwell's attemtopm. In my opin-
ion, this is a canard. Every year, the main com-
plaint about the meal plan is that prices are too
high. Every year, the high cost of food is a stu-
dent government campaign issue. Every year,
someone writes an article in a campus newspa-
per detailing the high costs of food. Every year.
For the FSA to claim to need a committee to know
the main complaint about the meal plan, they
must be deaf, dumb and blind. I do not need to
study the business or be a member of a commit-
tee to know that I think campus food prices,

Page 69
 Tribute Mih Hedb arg
By Tom Senkus
To All of Mitch's Fans, and in vain, I tried to find out who he was. is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open
Almost a nuevo Steven Wright, right down to the it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't
We are heartbroken to let you know that Mitch Baaahstonian accent. Gradually, he passed away buy it, I don't need another step between me and
passed away on Wednesday, March 30, 2005. .inmy memories to just a guy who told "the duck toast.
He dedicated his life to comedy and bringing joke" and vaguely resembled a duck. I felt like
joy to his fans. Mitch loved all of you. that guy in the Twilight Zone, where only he can I saw a human pyramid- once. It was totally
see the gremlin. Only I knew about him! unnecessary.
We ask that you remember Mitch through his Finally, I found him, uncensored on XM Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my
comedy - let him make you laugh, enjoy life Radio, and life was good again. I played him on clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made
and love one another. my radio show to have listeners call in and ask out of blankets.
just who that was. "Mitch Hedberg is the man"
The Hedberg Family was not an uncommon phrase.
And just as strangely as I met him, he
My first experience seeing Mitch left me. On Myspace (yes, I fucking joined), I
Hedberg was on the atrocious David Letterman subscribed to The Original Stewie, the Family
Show (or whatever it's called). I accidentally Guy character who is NOT real, but yea, it ups
switched on evil CBS and without the energy to my friend count, so eat me. Out of the corner of
move, I left it on the stun ray known as TV. the screen came Mitch Hedberg was gone.
Based on his appearance, I said, "No way," judg- No, it was no joke (no pun intended).
ing that he's just going to be another lame comic. Most comedy today is just tasteless
Then comes a series of jokes, expanding on each quasi-racism and dick-jokes. Make sure to pick
other in stoner randomness, but with odd intel- up a CD like Strategic Grill Locations or Mitch
ligence. The epitome is a simple joke about how All Together to change your perspective on how
the relationship between ducks liking him was comedy should be done.
in proportion to the amount of bread he had. On And without further ado, a few
paper, it sounds almost childish, but in Mitch's jokes.......
hands, it was hilarious.
For. some reason, I didn't catch his name, You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff

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Page 70
 Hunt for the 15 Year Long Undergrad "Stdent"
- -- By William Lewis
28, march 2005 there in Harriman Hall after hours when class- doing that with only a shot sized amount of
es were over,-and on the weekends. As well, he milk. Once he was kicked out of that man's home
The sky was a deep ash gray pouring has been seen washing himself in the men's and back to campus, "The Janitor" went back to
down in beads of water that were forming lakes room sinks. Its not hard at all to cut though living in Harriman Hall. He has done so to this
all over the saturated grounds of Stony Brook Harriman Hall to the Physics Building and Math very day. In one of the rooms that he happens to
University. It was here standing before the lake Tower since they share connecting hallways. sleep in, there are bags of clothing in which
of water that slowly crept into the Union that I After bring the members of the search some of the items happen to look like the same
stood with my band of hunters. Since I have party up to date on the current whereabouts of things that he happens to wear.
'been here at Stony Brook University, I have "The Janitor," we set off on a concrete bridge Once inside the basement of Harriman
heard rumors of a strange man that was a home- over the flowing lake of the Caf6. Seeking cover Hall, my search party was unable to find "The
less person who was living here on campus for under a shared umbrella with one of the team Janitor," but someone down there in the bowels
15 years, doing one class a semester so that he members, our little brave group set off on our of Harriman Hall told us that he knows of "The
can get away with being here on campus. trek to Harriman Hall to start looking. "The Janitor." But what was said to me was not of any
For a year I have been following leads on Janitor" has been sighted in the three buildings importance in our search. Finding nothing of
this person and so far most of them have indeed in the last couple of hours of the day; as well he worth in the bowels of Harriman Hall we went on
turned out to be true. Like the Goony that once has been sighted in the Earth and Space Sciences to check out another building in which "The
prowled the halls of campus, this person was building, the SAC, creeping around in the Janitor" has been seen. Doing a floor-by-floor
walking around and I had meet him before I Student Union, the Sports Complex, the com- search of the Physics Building, nothing hof sub-
knew it was him. His name is "The Janitor." muter lounge in Melville Library and its 3rd stance was found, to our dismay, other than
floor classrooms. unlocked doorways that led to the deepest
What makes this search for the location recesses of the building, of which I have heard
of "The Janitor" important and semi-dangerous "The Janitor" discuss. But nothing was there
is how "The Janitor" acts. Long before I knew that belonged to "The Janitor."
him as "The Janitor," I knew this guy had From our hunt and my contacts on cam-
issues. He told me all the damned time that the pus it has-been uncovered that "The Janitor" has
people in Admin where tapping the phone lines been seen digging though the trash outside of
and had put bugs all over the CSA office. Admin and the SAC, gathering papers that he
Needless to say, I find that hard to believe - could use in some unknown manner. As well I,
there is no reason in hell for the people in too, have seen him gather papers with peoples'
Admin to do such things. Believing that he is information, laughing about it. I have been
always being spied on by President Kenny, "The informed as well that this "Janitor" goes to dif-
Janitor" would never walk the same way twice in ferent club meetings grabbing food and stuffing
a day to a building as he told me, "so that you his pockets with it as he scampers away to hide
know if someone is following you." in a corner to eat bits of it and to later on gath-
None of us knew what would happen on er more as he runs out of the room.
our trek to search for "The Janitor" who stalks When it comes down to it, all anyone
the grounds of SBU, harassing students and knows of "The Janitor's" true motives of what he
staff. I was hoping to find him and ask him in has been doing in his 15 year stay he at SBU as
person what it is that he was hoping to do with an undergrad amounts to idle speculation.
all his shit. My contacts with the homeless When I have asked him about it all, "The
community on campus had it that "The Janitor" Janitor" would tell me that he has information
was not at all liked by any of them. With rain- on the people in Admin and that they are giving
water gathering around my feet and the feet of him his education for free to keep him for
my party, we kept on our way. All of\us had dif- telling anyone. Needless to say, I don't believe
Looking around for a bridge to use to ferent interactions with "The Janitor," but they that Admin is being blackmailed by him, or
cross the lake that was running into the all ended the same way: with us feeling creped anyone else.
University Cafe's courtyard, the smell of the out.
smoke from a lit cigarette filled the air. "What As we entered the side door of Harriman
are we doing again?" asked the smoking man Hall, we made our way down to the basement
that stood before me, a member of this search where the "Janitor" has been sighted. It has
party. With the other member of the group been said to others and to me by different mem-
looking on I told them both, again, that we are bers of clubs and offices down there that "The
looking for two things, that are rumored to be Janitor" has indeed been sleeping there and
true. One of them being the "hidden floor" that making one room in particular his home for the
is in either the Physics building or the Math past few years. "We have a problem with some-
tower, and the other being where the "Janitor" one who sleeps:here all the time," said a female
keeps his things down there. officer from a club there when she pointed to
It has been alleged that "The Janitor" "The Janitor." As I have been told by Alumni of
has been using at lest two rooms in Harriman the CSA, current puppets of "The Janitor," and
Hall to sleep in. Both of them he seems to have students and staff, "The Janitor" used to live in
the keys to - once when I met "The Janitor," he the train station lot in a car that was filled with
told me that he lifted keys from time to time. He his worldly belongings. The car sat there for
also told me that the manager of one of the other such a long time that all of its tires were flat
rooms likes to give out copies of the key to the and the car was thought to be abandoned. Then
room to people since he feels they own the room. one day the car was towed away while "The
It's not hard to dismiss this rumor as true since Janitor" was away from his car/home. It was "I will pay you double whatever you're
members of one of the rooms have told me that after that that he moved into Harriman Hall being paid for you to tell us who you're working
they have a problem with someone "sleeping" before he was taken in by a person from this for," he said to someone in front of me, telling
down there in their room. campus who felt sorry for him. me that he believes that the person works as a
With a busted fire exit door on the side It was alleged that he sat in this man's spy for Admin. For you, "Janitor" I am willing
of Harriman Hall, it's not hard for someone like home in just his dirty, skid-marked, ripped up to pay you double of whatever food you gather
"The Janitor" to slip into the building where he underwear eating dry oatmeal with a fork dur- and rant about if you step forth and tell us who
is well-known on one of the floors where there ing the day. I too have seen him eating dry oat- you think you're working for since you were
are people that seem to be protective of him. meal with a fork, just fully dressed (thank you able to get a Public Notary to come to USG Senate
"The Janitor" has been sighted many times very much) and I have heard him talk about meetings to sign different affidavits.

Page 71
 10 Reasons Why NCAA Basketbiall
..-.
BALin
Is More Exciting Than The N ony ... -. By Ant
Okay so this will be my first non-soccer For those who don't know, this also 7. The double dribble is actually

column ever. Believe it or not, I sadly follow exists in the NBA. When was the last time it was enforced.
other sports as well. March is over and millions called? In the recent Vermont vs. Syracuse
are missing some of the more entertaining qual- match, a Syracuse player received a technical I seriously doubt Kobe or Francis can
ities of basketball. Instead of watching the for hanging on the rim in a crucial moment late get away with what they do nowadc'vs, on the
NCAA, millions are caught up with the NBA. in the game. college level.
The fundamentals of the game are clearly gone.
Instead of focusing on winning, it has become all 4. Smaller amount of drawing a "wuss" 8. Timeouts called in the
about show time. The referees in the NBA get foul. backcourt=inbounding the ball in •e back-
worse and worse in terms of helping out the star court.
players, giving them the benefit of the doubt. In How many times does McGrady have to
no particular order I have compiled the top ten pump fake for a 3-pointer and then intentional- NBA apparently has their own desperate
reasons why the NCAA is of more entertainment ly have the defender fall right into him? Who way of creating more spectacular buzter beating
-than the soap operas of the NBA.. can forget the days when Reggie Miller used to endings by allowing options to inbound at half
do that? court.
1. The NCAA has the 5-second violation
during play. 5. No excessive shot clock problems. 9. Gutsy refs.

It's a whole lot better than watching an Quite hilarious how a great run is In the college game, I can actually see
NBA player hold the ball and post up for ages. stopped numerous times with these so-called two straight offensive fouls on a team in two
Remember the Barkley days? "shot-clock problems." Compared to the rich straight possessions even against the home side.
NBA, who would have thought the shot clocks in
2. No restricted area. the NCAA work better. 10. LACK OF PATRIOTISM YD the NBA

Of course, when Kobe is driving to the 6. The fans. I can't even begin to count the number of
basket, the defender should just step out of the NBA players that declined invitations to last
way or else it's an offensive foul. It's also a free A lot better than seeing fans that look summer's Olympic Games. The same happened
license for Shaq to go out of his way and bull- like they are waiting for a dentist appointment. in the World Championships in 2002. It should
doze any defender down and have a foul called A perfect example of passionate fans, the be an honor to represent your nation. Heck,
on that defender. Cameron Crazies at Cameron Indoor Stadium. country should come before club if anything.
Enough said.
3. Strictness of hanging on the rim.

SBU Rugby: The Battle for Long Isa nd

r By Ali Nazir
Randall's Island, New York: North from a year ago to now. Last year they were This game will determine the present
Eastern Rugby Tournament who was supposed to playing without a budget. They were blessed and the future of the team, because the program
be the ground where Stony Brook Rugby was to however from the years before, so they had jer- has a lot at stake. It could be the spark that they
be destroyed and left in shambles, after last seys (although torn and beat up) and most of the need to break the downward spiral that has
years disappointing showing in Division 2, equipment, and a determined coach who worked plagued the program for a couple of years. Once
^ c
ndIU
arosec
At."
rom
+1,/ 9% 10 cI, Qn
a -a r
I Y *AM
ti e aseiill a ne•W
,' XTri/ witlh tlhp tfpom for n wXhole, M
epmpc.tpe.r being a Divisionl team playing bloody and epic
sent giant teams running fc SCoach Danny Yarusso games with the likes West Point Military
Two seasons ago Stony Broc k for another semester to Academy and Rutgers University in 2002, to
dropped from Division h SBU Rugby; he has trying to hold on to be in Division 2. According
Division 2, even though in been along with the team to many of the other organizations and the dis-
they were favored to win since fall 04, making play of Hard Core Rugby at the Village Lions
the division, they finished this his forth semester. tournament, Stony Brook is a favorite in this
with a less then point five The spring semester, Battle of the Island taken place this may on the
hundred record. The Ston) unlike the fall semester, 14th. This game will truly test the mental and
Brook Wolf, pack, although jis filled with tourna- physical toughness and ambitions of the team
being eliminated in the ments and some games because the game is around finals week in
Tournament, gave two of that don't count towards school.
the biggest Rugby juggern ecord, unlike the fall in Players to watch this semester are Jeff
in the Northeast the fighi .ch there are playoffs Carey, who makes his return after a brief hiatus
their lives. The team p championship games. from the game of about two years, once known to
Princeton (Ivy Le, spring however, there is be the hardest hitter on the team .,returns as a
Champions) and We game that decides the player with less of a loose cannon role.- Mark
Chester PA (beat ot ite of the team; on May Moultoi, he led the team in the fall for scores
Princeton in the Fall 04 4 Stony Brook returns for another exciting season, he scored
Princeton ended up winni iversity plays Hofstra five Tri's (which is equivalent to five touch-
the tournament as a wh iversity to see which downs). And last lut not least two very young
Guess it was just Stony ] will stay in D2 and which players such as Brian Scully and Jonathan Isles,
luck that they had to play n D3. To simplify this, it who are playing exceptional roles towards this
the best teams there, but Stony Brook University team's success. Veterans' Rustim Nyquist and
TX I 0m n,). - n A ;i f 1fh John Feminella also return to the line up as
blowouts and those teams naa to give -tony wins, tney •stay ýin DIVisiUonI aniu 11 Lniey
Brook the respect that they deserved. lose they get moved once again, but this time well, backing up the younger players with their
The Rugby team has come a long way down to Division 3. exceptional knowledge of the game.

Page 72
 Lite Wond ers
I ii I By David K. Ginn
son that is being sold. There is nothing sacred
Little Wonders # 1 Little Wonders # 6
What the hell is the deal with Reality TV about catchiness. The flu is catchy. The black
Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn't have shows? I mean, come on already! Are our lives plague Was catchy. Nobody had to think those
a name book for aspiring porn stars. This is really that boring? Do we really have to watch ones up. They just sort of came up on their own.
advantageous because as many people know other people's lives in order to take the focus off Maybe if the big companies chose quality over
baby name books are completely ridiculous. our own? For a long time I shouted that it would marketability more people would be exposed to
What's worse than naming your child after the be clever to have People Magazine actually do all good quality and therefore it would naturally
name that some get-rich-quick author told you their articles and content on real people, like become catchy. Once again we see that there are
would be interesting? I actually think that the John the Town Drunk or the guy with the perfect some things man was not supposed to toy with.
primary market in baby name book sales consist lawn that everyone calls The Lawnmower Man.
of single .mothers who have nothing to do with Now that reality TV has surfaced, I take all that
their time and thus decide to kill their after- back. If there's one thing worse than sweating Little Wonders # 10
noon by reading names. It helps them discover balls over Tom Cruise's latest love interest, it's
what they could have named their children. sweating balls over Joe the Bartender's latest Whatever happened to the nutcracker?
That's somehow more appealing to the American screw up. It's all really degrading. How come I can't find a nutcracker that cracks
idea of decision making. It's always fun learn- nuts anymore? I went to the store the other day
ing about what you didn't do, because what you and spent $17 dollars on an "Authentic Wooden
did was actually just mundane and boring. I Nutcracker: Hand-painted and Complete with
think we need to start making some bad deci- Display Stand." The lever on the back even
sions, because after so many normal decisions pulled up and down so that the mouth opened
the world becomes a pretty stupid place. That's and closed. Then, when I tried to put it to some
why I think porn name books would outsell baby practical use, I broke the cheap wood of the poor
name books. Not only would it be more inter- guy's mouth before I even put a scratch on the
esting, but it would appeal to all types of con- chestnut. Now I see that the nutcracker has
sumers become just another pointless holiday icon,
drained fully of its original meaning.
Little Wonders # 2
Little Wonders # 11
I think we need to have more parades. I
think we should get together with our neighbors I look at people sometimes, and I wonder
and throw a parade simply because we can. .why they are such assholes.
Simply because we live in a free country and if
those that were alive during the Dark Ages Little Wonders # 12
could come see us now they'd wonder why we sit
at home al- day and then complain about it later Is it just me or do the words Chop Suey
at group therapy. Let's just throw a parade, and somehow radiate with excessive silliness?
let's invite everyone we know. That way people When I think Chop Suey, I think of four associa-
will understand that there doesn't always have tive images: cartoon critters flying off cabbage
to be a reason to be happy, patches, incompetent funny-men pretending to
_do kung fu, Paul Reubens, and lots of children
Little Wonders # 3 chasing each other on the playground. Does that
make me weird?
I think people take the concept of work-
ing too seriously. My boss once asked me, "Do Little Wonders # 13
you take this job seriously?" I sort of just
looked at him for a while. I didn't know how to How come I can't find barbecue in New
respond. Finally I just tilted my head awk- York, but if I go to North Carolina there ' s a bar-
wardly and said "No. Should I?" He thought I becue restaurant on every corner but no 7- lls?
was being a wise-ass. Honestly I wasn't. I was Just once I'd like to be able to enjoy barbecue
really just taken aback by the question. I had Little Wonders #7 and a Slurpee together. I wonder who regulates
not been made aware that you were supposed to this. There must be somebody, probably a cor-
take a place where you helped a bunch of stupid, I applaud anyone who rides a skateboard porate official, who decided at some point that
superficial people fulfill their self-important through the mall on a regular basis. the American public could not be introduced to
and over-cherished needs while making a lousy Congratulations. You've realized that everyone the combination of cherry Slurpees and barbe-
$7 to $10 dollars an hour and then be scolded in the world takes everything way too seriously, cue sandwiches. Who are they protecting?
by angry little bosses who are five years and that there is no plausible reason why you Why?
younger than you and think that you're a runt should be prohibited from skating down a hall-
who needs vocational discipline seriously. To way. Now let's enlighten everyone else. Little Wonders # 14
me it sounds like the kind of place that needs a
little silliness. In fact, everyone involved, Little Wonders # 8 The lap is an interesting body part. It's
including customers, bosses, and employees there one minute...and then the next minute it's
should have the veil lifted and be shown how When the hell did Yoga become a fitness. gone. Amazing., I wonder what kind of pressing
insignificant and pointless it all is. Maybe then craze? Leave it up to the Americans to twist and business a lap could possibly have. It's always
we can enjoy life. mangle every form of decent culture left in the leaving, never saying goodbye.
world so that it conforms with our basic way of
Little Wonders # 4 life. What would have been so horrible about Little Wonders # 15
people experimenting with different spiritual
Whatever happened to balloons? At ideas and practices? Did we really have to make I wonder what will happen if Hell really
what point did GameBoy Pocket Advance.replace it into another way to lose weight and pay some- does freeze over. I mean, think about it.
latex balloons? What the hell is wrong with one for it too,? What's going on here?- Everyone would have to fulfill their promises to
everybody? everyone else. My father most of all. That
Little Wonders # 9 would be a good day, too. I'd march right up to
Little Wonders # 5 the old man, extend my hand, and say: "Dad, do
There really is a company that decides you remember when I asked you if I could bor-
I don't think we eat enough cotton candy. exactly what we're going to like and exactly row a thousand dollars to put a down payment on
There are kids out there who've never had cot- what we're going to listen to. You know the my car, and you told me when hell froze over?
ton candy, simply because at some point in their whole eighties retro craze? That wasn't started Well, guess what? Hell's frozen, baby, so give
upbringing their parents decided that it would by consumers. How about modern pop music? me my money." No, I don't think I would do that.
be cheaper to watch a bunch of people eat it on Nope, not that either. There are people out there I'd probably just make a joke about it and walk
TV. Depressing, isn't it? that decide not on the best qualities of certain away.
marketable items and/or icons but instead on
the catchiness of that particular product or per-

Page 73
 Possibilities of Sprin g m.
By Paula Guy (with suggestions from Tiffany Russo and Brian VVasser)
Water falls from the sky, instead of ice. There is even sun, sometimes. Windows down.
People get sexy warm skin from sitting in the sun. You can 'shroom in Ashley Schiff.
You can get drunk at the beach. You appreciate ice.
You can watch the clouds and sky without freezing to death. Waterslides. Waterslides.
Free outdoor concerts (well, this would happen if this was the East Naps in the sun.
Coast or New Zealand). Tree climbing.
You can have campfires fire fire fire fire fire fire fire yes yes yes. Fire You can move Mary J outside.
fire fire. Can go back to throwing rocks, instead of snowballs.
You don't automatically die; when you step outside. Better value for money-getting drunk in hot weather.
Everyone can wear skirts and dresses -without stockings. Staring at flowers.
Leaves. Green. Things aren't dead. Fuck I hate winter. Fucking in the bushes, (or at least outside).
Fruit. Moss!
Feeling less like shit. Soft green grass.
Bare feet become a possibility. Jamie won't ever have to come back to Long Island.
You can frolic and dance to New Order outside! No incriminating footprints in the snow after acts of vandlalism.
Safer to be drunk - you are less likely to freeze to death if you Dandelions everywhere.
stay outside. Baths in the ocean.
People are warmer - so they should be happier. I will be. Picnics.
Warm concrete. Suicide rates might drop.
Warm sand.

Press Staffers In Heated Cusdy Batle

OverTebis Pi nce
By Vincent Michael Festa
Now that the Terry Schiavo case is done piece for mucho dinero so she can buy a house, away and deciding to head straight to the NY
and over with, the media has now decided to a nice car, a white picket fence, all the cute State Superior Court, where it favorably voted
focus all of their energy and attention on furry little animals to go with it, and then pre- for Barry and favorably looked at the Tetris
harassing a family's troubled life in hopes of pare for a real family with a real actual baby. piece as one huge money-making investment.
setting international precedent, government "What would I do with a Tetris piece?" With time, options, and money running out Ginn
power over people's lives, and journalistic asked Nicole Barry at a press conference in has filed a case to the U.S. Supreme Court where
tabloid sensationalism: Pressstaff writer David front of the. SBU Building. "If I pushed it on a they will have the final say in the case.
Ginn is running out of options in trying keep swing set, it would break! If I would teach it how The Tetris piece had no feeding tube
custody of the prized gold Tetris piece that he to walk and talk, it's not going to do anything!" inserted, you liberal fascist.
has given birth to two years ago. The two hkave sent their disputes first to This has not been the only time the
nir e. the Srrin rrtimeorf (00A4 th- Presoc ctaff mat.rl with
x acrhrnthbr Ever

loving Press couple of David Ginn and since Ginn and Barry, other Press
Nicole Barry have been battling over the staffers have been making babies to see
possession of their miracle baby. Since what fun pops out, but so far with disas-
then, millions of dollars have been spent trous results. Editor Matt Willemain
on having the case go through the USG and staff writer Paula Guy gave birth to
Senate, the University President, Stony Baby Stewie, who runs around with a
Brook Administration, and the NY State British accent and talks about killing
Superior Court, plus it may have to go to his mother. Editors Mike Billings and
the U.S. Supreme Court. Melanie Donovan gave birth to "Evil
Times were happy as the couple Otto," a bouncy and smiling happy face
spent their quality time in the Press with very evil intentions. But no one can
office beating each other's high-scores in top the couple of staffers Andrew
Nintendo Tetris, the most popular puzzle Pernick and Princess Lotus Flower
video game released. It occurred that Blossom Stephanie Hayes, who ended up
Ginn's stomach was getting bigger and giving birth to one Greg Lubicich who
bigger after heavy doses and prolonged went on to endorse Stony Brook's new
exposure of Tetris. It was believed that newspaper The Patriot, just like
the overexposure had caused Ginn to Nostradamus predicted.
become pregnant, but no one knew that it News Editor Michael Prazak is
would be a Tetris piece. another Press staffer also in the
When it occurred that it was Guinness Book Of World Records for
Tetris piece ard not a baby that Ginn was asexually immaculately giving birth to a
giving birth to, doctors all over the world 'HA-DOU-KEN!' after putting in thou-
and especially Russia...you can't possi- sands of hours into Street Fighter.
bly forget about Russia...called it the So far the case has raised many
"God-Giving Miracle Of All Miracles." questions. "Who chooses when someone
The couple of Ginn and Barry were lives or dies?" and "Is a living will nec-
recorded in the Guinness Book Of World essary?" are not any of them.
Records as the first couple ever to Meanwhile the battle continues
immaculately concept a game piece. on until either the U.S. Supreme Court
"When the tests were positive, we rules or both sides agree to settle.
cried with joy," lamented Ginn. "Nine "I love him. I really do. But what
months later...my girlfriend Nicole filmed it the USG. The USG Senate thought of the birth as I really want one day is to start a realfamily so
and everything.., and I gave birth to a Tetris only a toy piece and voted all rights to Barry. that I can teach her to play Tetris", empathized
piece. I thought life would never be brighter Ginn was not happy with the decision, so he Barry. "Right now, selling the Tetris piece
than 1970's sunshine."' filed a complaint and a hearing to the Stony means that we can have a realfamily. I just want
However, when it was revealed that the Brook Administration to look for answers only the best for all of us..'
Tetris piece was actually made of gold, both to run into the President of the University, Ginn disagrees, however. "This
parties feuded. Since giving birth to the Tetris Shirley Strum-Kenny. piece...<sob>...it's my life. I will never give up
piece, the two have been furious feuding over "My my, that'$ a cute little $ucker you my baby! Alexey Pazhitnov would be proud."
what to do with it. Ginn had declared it a mem- have there! Are you looking for a baby$itter?"
ber of the family, while Barry wanted to sell the asked Strum to the couple once, scaring them
Page 74
 Who's Straight? Who's Not
Guess The Straight Person
Panel Reveals All!
By Marcel Votlucka
Dozens of students filled the SAC As the event concluded, the audience
Ballroom B to decipher the sexual orientation of voted on who was gay, straight, lesbian, or
panelists at the Guess The Straight Person Panel bisexual on each panel. In some cases their
on Wednesday, April 6th. guesses were accurate, but quite a few surpris-
The event was hosted by the Lesbian Gay es awaited the audience. In some cases the audi-
D; .
D Iexuai
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iransgener
AT Ch
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ers
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were
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Alliance (LGBTA), and it wrong in their predic-
featured two panels; one tions, proving that sexual
male, the other female. orientation is not always
The audience asked vari- nhvinus
u v I %vUL
• L3
ann
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that
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ous questions and tried types don't often fit like a
to guess the sexual ori- glove.
entation of the panelists, This was the LGBTA's
based on their answers. point in holding the event;
Prizes were awarded to to dispel stereotypes and
whoever correctly showcase the diversity of
guessed the lone straight the queer community, but
person on each panel. in a fun, intriguing, and
"What's your decidedly non-preachy
favorite sexual posi-
•1-r/n3 ' r1 0
-
.
way.
A
~+ , A . ;...,-4 +r,]
hl
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V, y u t e
vibrator?" "Do you shave your chest?" "Where panel. Brian Wasser remarked, "it was funny
do you like to be massaged?" "Where do you how a lot of people were shocked when they
like to shop?" "Have you ever seen Priscilla, found out who was straight."
Queen of the Desert?" "Boxers or briefs?" The Tiffany Russo added, "I thought it was
panelists faced such questions, and even more fun, I thought it was a good idea. Based on the
personal ones. But the audience reserved the questions they asked, I could tell the audience
spiciest questions for the female panel, partic- was surprised that [panelists] didn't fit the
ularly the sex-related questions. It seemed no stereotypes. I think it was fun but also educa-
topic was off limits. tional."

Shaving
By David K. Ginn
Shaving can be so fucking annoying. It's shaving cream has completely disappeared!
such a pain in the ass. I have what some call That's amazing! I didn't really need the shaving
"sensitive skin." In other words, when I shave cream anyway. I was just joking when I put it on.
it hurts. I think a lot of people have this. I go I'm glad the shaving cream was in on it.
out and I buy the "sensitive skin" shaving If the shaving cream wasn't enough of a
cream. Well, recently I've discovered something problem I had the razor to back me up. I don't
truly amazing in the world of shaving cream. what kind of razor it was, but it must be pretty
I bought Rise Baby Face shaving cream, damn good. Only a high-tech razor can cut the
which promised a smooth, painless shave. What skin underneath a patch of hair without actual-
I got was far more impressive. Although they ly taking off any hair. That is special. That is
don't advertise it on the label, this truly a unique attribute. -It's bad enough that
shaving cream is actually magical the razor's chopping my face up, but it could at
 A TTTATTE TXTTETTET T VC

WHAT
THE
HELL
- IS

~1~
a · r,

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?

WHERE THE HELL CAN I GET A
COPY?!?
"Calm down now, GADFLY is
nothing to be afraid of. I will
explain it all to you in due time.
The premise is quite simple: a
forum for undergraduate work
where ideas may be exchanged
and opinions expressed. It is not
a newspaper nor is it an art mag-
azine. Draw pictures and take
photos; write papers, stories and
poems, your mind is the source
of our content. GADFLY is for
you to read and create, it
depends entirely on the commu-
nity for submissions. For now,
the first issue may be found in
the philosophy department
office, on the second floor of
Harriman Hall. I look forward
to hearing from you, write in
with your questions and submis-
sions, love and hate-mail."

gaui.lyuic. sunys u.euu

Page 76
 1) 13)
1 3 )
noun plural noun
2) 14)
verb ending in -ing plural noun

3) _ 15)
same as 1 sense

4) 16)
verb verb

5) 17)
adjective adjective

6) 18)
noun type of people
7) 19)
verb verb

8) 20.)
verb verb I~g
9) 21)
adjective measurement of time
10) _____
adjective ,
22)
adjective
1 1) 23)
adjective verb
1 2) _ 24)
quote noun
I I I I

Mission Statement of the Stony

Brook Press
At The Press we want to give you the best ____ _____ around.
We spend every night of every week - 2_ in our office so
our _3___ _ can be the best. Whereas other newspapers limit
content and 4 their writers to 5
6____ _ we want you to feel free to come in and _
for us, no matter what you want to__ about. Our paper is
9 , 1 , and __._ We want you,
the readers, to know what the students of this college are really saying. If
you don't know what they're saying, we'll tell you. They're saying
1.2

We have great _1 3 , big 14 ____, and a great

sense of ___ 1 5__ _. Also, we get the news to you the way you want
it. Every two weeks we sit down and _______6__ for you, the read-
er. We are the __ 7___
7 _ newspaper of Stony Brook, and we are
the greatest _._ -1 -8 in the world. Ldt us ___ 19 - you.
Let us _20 2 you.
We, The Stony Brook Press, want to _ 2 1_ you every
22 __ So listen to us, trust us, and 23 us. We
are your _____2

Page 77
 Freespace Opens its D ors
By Adam Kearney
Lining the walls of the Freespace ware- member you also support the movement, and discussions for women, the Freeschool program
house are large, color prints of rock 'n rollers, yourself. that holds panels and forums as. well as free
with their hipster haircuts glued to their faces As a social center seeking to enrich the classes, and the Freewheel Bike Program that
in sweat, clutching guitars and microphones. community, Long Island Free Space Inc. has trains kids and adults to repair and recycle
These blurred portraits are but snapshots of the seven programs that focus on different areas. In their bikes, while stressing the economic and
emotional energy that emanates from the stage: one corner of the room are a few coaches, a table, ecological benefits of bicycles for transporta-
cries of suburban discontent manifest in sonic ,and a large bookshelf containing neatly catego- tion in LI.
waves of fierce, young energy. Aimed at sup- rized stacks of independent publications. This Attached to a wall in the front office of
porting artistic enrichment and purposeful is the Alternative Media and Zine Library, the Freespace building on 23 Union Ave,
activity deep in the heart of Long Island's cul- where you can find staple-bound newsprints Ronkonkoma are some manila file folders, one
tural vacuum, this iconoclastic venue has written by socially progressive individuals for each of the programs, with their own head
recently hosted concerts, teach-ins, and bike from Florida to California. It is now also the coordinators and contact information, as well as
repairs in the spirit of DIY. home of a ragtag collection of issues from the SB a gigantic printer and some computers. Booking
The Freespace, a non-profit corporation, press (as if you'd ever read those). a show or an event is as easy as showing up and
began as the Modern Times Collective, a group of putting your name on the list under the Booking
young activists targeting the injustices of glob- Collective folder, as long as it coincides with the
alization. They stood firm against world trade Freespace's mission to "improve lives, bring
and participated in the protests at the ideas and projects to existence, and enrich Long
Republican National Convention in 2000. After Island's communities."
many were arrested, they decided that the tac- A variety .of other events are planned as
tics of urban street protesting were ineffectual well, such as dance parties, poetry readings,
at solving problems found in their own commu- and DIY flea markets. They're up for anything,
nities. The lesson was clear: the fight for a bet- except drinking, as it is an all ages crowd.
ter world starts at home. There was a diverse age group represented at
Long Island fails to provide a nurturing their Grand Opening on April 8t h, many of the
environment for artists and intellectuals grow- leaders are into their 20's with some of
ing up and living here. There are very few pub- youngest members barely in high school; this
lic establishments devoted to serving the needs fits the purpose of an open forum designed in
of activists, be they teenagers or young adults. part to inform kids of real problems in the com-
After a day at sthool or work there is nowhere munity and in the world that they would other-
to go and be useful, so most of us are encouraged wise be far more ignorant of. They accept dona-
from an early age to occupy ourselves with tions from interested parties, $75 makes you a
sports or purely academic after school pro- "Friend of the Kids," $1,000 earns you the title
grams. Artists and activists pursue a higher of "Next Generation Visionary." If you're inter-
calling: they change the world. Amidst the ested in supporting progressive interests,, this
empty fields and endless rows of residential is definitely one with positive, tangible results.
houses we call suburban sprawl, this passion is Their Grand Opening consisted of
easily discouraged. But with the Freespace in friendly chat over free coffee and light vegetar-
action, there is a double good. Not only does it The Booking Collective handles contacts ian cuisine: good atmosphere, good people. If
provide a safe, free hangout for likeminded, cre- for booking events; they're happy to host gigs you're in the area you might want to drop by and
ative people of all ages, but also when there is a for musicians. The Art Collective runs art check them out, maybe get involved. Or trek
small charge for an event like an evening rock shows and coordinates skills shares. The Youth over one weekend to watch some of Long Island's
concert, all the profits are funneled back into Workers Center provides information regarding best punk bands rattle for freedom. They might
the space, which organizes free events daily. workers rights on Long Island. There's the even give this Suffolk backwater some soul.
This way by supporting Freespace and being a Wimmins collective that arranges programs and
 Second Annual Baisakhi Banqi Jet
By Chris Williams
I spoke to people about the event. Geoff I remember the words of Sukhi Singh
Grecyaski, freshman, said, "I like it...a lot." about the banquet. He said, "It's not the amount
was caught by the energy. Tanya Oberoi, senior and then Vice-President of of people. It's the amount of spirit." I agree.
The lights were turned on. There was an the Sikh Student Association encouraged me to To Neha Sharma, your voice was present
initial shock, but people danced. Eventually, survey the crowd. She wanted me to observe the in spirit..
the DJ announced the final song. People danced diversity. She said, "Not everyone is Punjabi or For more information about Sikhism,
until the music stopped. Fanning themselves, Sikh or Indian, even." you can visit "http://gurudwara.faithweb.
they filtered out of the dance floor and returned Diana Minto, senior, was not used to com/GuruKirpa.html. For more information
to their items. going to such events. She said that she "felt wel- about the Sikh Student Association, you can e-
comed." She remarked that such a sense of com- mail [email protected].
munity is "'hard in a place with different peo-
ple." She concluded, "It's interesting."
Half of the headline to my article was an
overheard remark. There were few complaints.
Most complaints were about pain from dancing
too much.
Days later, I thought about the positive
features of the night. Admission to the banquet
was only five dollars, which was actually a
donation to tsunami relief. After the dancing,
there was leftover food. So, people left with
plates of food. In.addition, the banquet ended
before 11 PM. So, there was still time for peo-
ple to go to clubs early on Stony Brook
University's infamous Thursday party night.
-There were no major incidents during the party.
So, everyone went home safe.
The list was becoming exhaustive. From
all of these great points, I realized that the
Baisakhi Banquet is aa work of genius. It was
simple and incredible. It acknowledged
Sikhism and the Sikh Student Association.
According to Ritika Oberoi, the Sikh Student
Association was developed to provide a forum
for Sikhs. The club developed a resource in
which a community can meet. However, the club
is available to everyone. The banquet was avail-
able to everyone to help those in need.

Wanna Know Where You Can

Stick Your Opinions?
IIEAIRN TO COOK (hint: It Rhymes With "Stained-Glasshole")

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SIBU-TV CHANNEL 20 www.thep ress.info
CHECK ONI.INE FOR LOCA. IISTING

Page 79
 I·
College of Cardinals t Select a New Pcape
_~ _ By Jorge Sierra
On Monday, April 18, 117 members of commentators interviewed by the media indi- to a day of discussion and prayer after the ninth
the College of Cardinals of the Roman Catholic cates that, in general, the Cardinals will first vote and every seven unsuccessful votes after
Church are scheduled to meet in Vatican City to discuss what the most pressing needs of the that., The conclave will depart from the cen-
begin the process of selecting the next pope, in Church are, what direction the next pope should turies-old tradition of lodging in very uncom-
a series of meetings and ballots knowi as the lead it (presumably this has already been fortable quarters (a tradition forced upon them
conclave. Despite speculation on where the next done). Only then will they select as pope the by an angry populace when they took too long to
pope will come from and what his platform will person who can best carry out that platform. name the next pope). Hotel-style accommoda-
be, the Cardinals are observing a strict secrecy For example, in 1978, Communism loomed as a tion is now available for them.
regarding their personal roles in the selection major threat to the Catholic Church's values in The new changes may reduce the incen-
process and their own particular expectations. general and its worshippers in Communist tive for compromise and may make it more like-
The most influential actor in the deliberations nations in particular. The conclave selected ly that a hard-line conservative candidate will
may well be the late John Paul II, since he Karol Wojtyla of Poland, and the rest is history. prevail. In addition, under rules instituted in
appointed all but three of the electors. There is no shortage of global trends that the 1975, only Cardinals under 80 years of age may
The Cardinals must observe absolute next pope will have to address. Some addition- vote in a conclave. This was intended to cap the
secrecy during the conclave and be completely al trends of particular concern to the Catholic number of participants in a conclave at 120, as
cut off from the outside world at the risk of Church include the decline of Church atten- the church was growing so large it was becoming
immediate excommunication. According to dance in the industrialized world and a growing difficult to house all the participants. The
www.catholic-pages.com, there will be regular flock that is straining the priesthood. Although media has been quick to note that since John
sweeps for electronic devices (cell phones and it is expected that the next pope will "emerge" Paul II appointed almost all of the current elec-
the like) to enforce this rule. After each vote, from the Sistine Chapel, the conclave can actu- tors, this makes it even more likely that the
the ballots are burned, and the smoke is ally elect someone who is not a Cardinal, or even next pope's views will reflect his own. In the
released from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel: a bishop. end, however, it is difficult to draw any defini-
white smoke if a new pope has been elected, Expect the process to take a while. tive conclusions about what the conclave will
black smoke if the Cardinals have not come to an Catholic-pages.com explains that a pope must be decide. The last papal conclave stunned the
agreement. In another sign of the times, the elected by a two-thirds majority vote. Pope world and elected the first non-Italian pope in
naming of a new pope will further be signaled John Paul II instituted a rule that allows the 400 years. The world will just have to wait as
by the ringing of bells; apparently people some- conclave to elect a pope by a simple majority the Roman Catholic. leadership reflects, dis-
times have trouble telling if the smoke is white after 30 votes. However the Cardinals only vote cusses, and decides.
or black. once the first day of the conclave and three
The conventional wisdom from religious times a day thereafter. They may break for up

The Next Pope Should Accurat 2ly

Represent the Catholic Population By Amy Wisnoski
John Paul II, The Pope, the leader of the The voting itself occurs in the Sistine With almost 44% of Catholics living in Latin
Roman Catholic Church, died on Apri 1 2n d, Chapel by secret ballot. In early rounds, a two- America, from a purely representative point of
2005. It was a Saturday night in Rome, w]hen the thirds majority is required for victory. One bal- view, it seems that the pope's successor should
84-year-old Pontiff's 26 year reign cam(e to an lot may be held the first day. Thereafter, two be Latino.
end. I have been raised in the Roman C atholic ballots in immediate succession without dis- But there are problems with selecting a
Church, I attended a Roman Catholic grade cussion occur each morning, and two each after- Latin pope, most notably the recent divide
school, and I don't really know anything about noon. Each elector carries his ballot to the between Latin American Catholics and the
the Pope. I know that it is supposed to g(o with- chapel altar. Three "infirmarii" cardinals col- church on controversial issues like sex and
out explanation that this is a holy man, a great lect ballqts from any electors in the Domus too birth control. In Brazil, 70% of married women
man, an infallible man. And I can't d isagree sick to visit the chapel. Three "scrutineers" do use an artificial contraception, and ,80% of the
with any of that, with any merit, but I can't the counting. After balloting, the ballots and population claim to be followers of Catholicism.
agree with those descriptions either. T]he fact any notes are burned. If no one is elected after It's not that far-fetched to presume that a Latino
is, I never heard this man speak, I never s aw him three days, voting pauses for up to one day, to pope would attempt to reform the church's posi-
do anything other than wave; I have no re lation- allow for intense prayer and reflection. After tion on birth control, or an African pope for that
ship with this man at all, not even superrficial- seven more ballots, there's another pause, matter, in the name of preventing the spread of
ly. And yet, I did feel sadness when hie died. another day of prayer then seven ballots and HIV/AIDS. If the church is willing to choose a
Even if I can't justify it to myself. another pause, then seven ballots. At this point pioneering leader in order to fairly represent
The Pope is much more than a re ligious if there's still no winner, a simple majority of the Catholic population, it will become very
leader. He is, essentially a world leader. cardinals may agree to elect the Pope. When a clear within the next couple of weeks, when the
Representing not one city, or countr y, but winner emerges, he is asked whether he accepts, new pope is elected.
reaching across all boundaries and af fecting The new pontiff then announces his papal name Whether or not the church selects a pope
people globally. There are one billion Ca tholics and electors make an act of homage. Finally, the from the Southern Hemisphere will not change
in the world; one billion people who all 1believe pope blesses the crowd fromn the balcony of St. the fact that there are real, serious problems in
that this one man can do no wrong. rhat is Peter's Basilica. An important thing to note as the world that the current Catholic regime is not
power. Obviously, the decision of whio will well is that, this whole process is completely in handling effectively. One of the contenders for
reign on the papal throne next is one off enor- the control of the Holy Spirit. All the "Plan Bs" the papal throne, Nigerian-born Cardinal
mous gravity. And the rules dictating h ow the and safety nets are for the cardinals' peace-of- Francis Azinde said, "There is no Catholic hur-
next pope is chosen reflect just how se:riously mind.- ricane or Baptist drought. There is no Jewish
this matter needs to taken. A confidenti al con- The most interesting issue however isn't inflation or Muslim unemployment. There is no
clave of cardinals comprised of only ca rdinals the complicated procedure, but rather the can- Buddhist drug addiction or Hindu AIDS. These
under age 80, of whom 115 are expec:ted to didates. Of course, traditionally the pope is problems don't respect religious frontiers."
attend, are allowed to vote. The dean of the impossible to predict because the conclave is The Catholic Church needs to reconcile within
College of Cardinals, currently Gerrnany's resistant to selecting a contender who has been itself the facts of the world while still maintain
Joseph Ratzinger, officiates. Those votirng vow covered by the media; the rules state that its core values, even if that means re-working
total secrecy and promise to oppose in terfer- nobody's decision is to be influenced by the and re-thinking what those values actually are.
ence by secular authorities or anyone else . They media. However there is one major question The problem however is the Catholic Church
are forbidden to make any "pact, agre ement, worth speculating about: Where will the next doesn't have a very flexible reputation. As a
promise or other commitment" to win vo tes for pope hail from? non-practicing Catholic, I would like to see the
or against a candidate. They must not be swayed Europe boasts 27% of the world's church re-vitalize itself, and am vaguely hope-
"by friendship or aversion," media sugge stions, Catholics, and one hundred percent of the ful about the results of the papal election. But
force, "fear or the pursuit of popularitjy." In church's past popes. Of course there is the not unlike my feelings for the current American
fact, beginning last Saturday, April 10, ,those issue of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa, an government, I'm keeping my expectations low.
115 cardinals began their vow of silence and the issue John Paul II did all but completely ignore,
total "media blackout." which suggests the next pope be an African.
Page 80 White Smoke = New Pope
 Completely Divied Values,
Poped Out Universal Church
- By Ted Swedalla By Jorge Sierra
The pope. He's dead. And by the time new one is Since the passing of Pope John demn acts of violence against abortion
finally elected, our ADD world will be all poped out. Paul II, it has occurred to some Americans practitioners, for example, and express
The cardinals aren't allowed to meet for at least two (mainly those in the media, but I'm sure compassion toward those troubled women
weeks, due to papal law. An eternity in the news cycle. I've some actual people as well) that there is who feel the need to have abortions. The
learned more about John Paul II in the last 4 hours that I had an ideological divide between the Vatican Church also preaches respect and accept-
in my entire life, and I went to catholic school for 9 years. leadership and American Catholics. Some ance toward persons who are homosexual.
Pope John Paul II was an important man. Let's just have even asked whether the next pope In the July 2003 essay, "Considerations
leave it at that. His part in the fall of Communism, apologiz- might bridge the divide. The most recog- Regarding Proposals to Give Legal
ing for the church's past sins and reaching out to all coun- nizable differences are the social issues-- Recognition to Unions Between
tries to end hostilities, these are things that important men the ones usually cited include abortion, Homosexual Persons," in which the
do. But, as the head of the church, the Pope guided their contraception and homosexuality. But the Catholic leadership takes an uncompro-
policies, which included attacks on gay marriage, abortion question of whether the next pope might mising hard-line stance against homosex-
and women. be more "liberal" than John Paul II pales ual relationships, Joseph Cardinal
The process that's about to begin will show the in comparison to the world's many sor- Ratzinger (the man who officiated at the
Catholic Church for the lumbering dinosaur it is. Don't get rows and injustices. The hopes of liber- Pope's funeral) cites Church doctrine
me wrong, Roman Catholics are among the best for tradition- als, Catholic and otherwise, are more stating that people with homosexual sex-
al pomp and circumstances. But Latin, come on, is there any- likely to be answered by the Church's ual orientations "must be accepted with
one besides paleontologists that still use Latin? continuing affirmation of the common respect, compassion and sensitivity.
It should be fun though, 3 weeks (minimum) of pope humanity of all people-even under a con- Every sign of unjust discrimination in
coverage. Whoever becomes the next pope will have some servative doctrine that denigrates their their regard should be avoided." An ABC
huge shoes to fill, not just as head of the Catholic Church, but activities as sinful. affiliate reports that as early as 1984,
as an important man. How the church handles the election Significant proportions of John Paul II embraced a gay man during
will determine what kind of player in the world they want to American Catholics think that God proba- his visit to San Francisco, saying, "God
k ^- ' * . '
' * ** * *
bly sides with liberals on social issues. loves you as I do," upon learning that he
(A partial disclosure is in order: I'm a was dying of AIDS (abclocal.go.com).
non-practicing Roman Catholic). A USA No longer does the Catholic
Today/CNN/Gallup poll conducted April Church espouse the exclusionary and
1-2, 2005, found that 37% of Catholics in intolerant rhetoric of our parents' gener-
the United States believe the next pope ation. Since the Vatican II counsel in
should "make doctrine on abortion less 1965, and during John Paul II's pontifi-
strict,:" and 78% think he should allow cate in particular, there has been a con-
A return to past glory is unlikely, as few institu- Catholics to use birth control. With sistent pattern of placing compassion
tions will ever be as powerful (or corrupt) as the Catholic regard to homosexuality, the most recent before Church doctrine, emphasizing
Church was in medieval times. Sounds like someone we know. LeMoyne College/Zogby International God's love for each and every person, no
But the election of an aging, European pope will signal a poll, from Spring 2004, found that 20% of matter what their creed or earthly deeds,
American Catholics believe the Catholic respecting all people who strive for the
return to tradition drowning in centuries old dogma. Also,
an older pope would mean a greater risk of having to do all Church should allow "sacramental mar- good of the world. This has" included
this again in a decade or so. And nothing lessens a 21s tcen- riage" to gay couples (33% support civil women who have abortions, it has includ-
tury persons attention like repetition in a global event. marriage and 62% support civil unions). ed gays and lesbians, it has included
That's the divide. adulterers, Jews, Muslims, atheists and
Quick, when's the next Olympics? and where?
It's a divide that sits uncomfort- even those Cafeteria Catholics
Pope John Paul's reign of 27 years is a long time for
a pope, third longest, in 2000 years. We've been come accus- ably next to world-changing issues, such (Americans). Of course there are insen-
tom to a sitting Pontiff, waving his hand, and not much else. as the threat of international terrorism sitive and narrow-minded priests, as with
Early film showed a spry pope (well spry for almost 60), and and the increasing exploitation of the every religion, and there is no question
that's what the world needs, an even younger pope, prefer- Third World-although the contraception that the Vatican expresses some of the
ably one that speaks English. issue may be relevant to the AIDS crisis. most rigidly conservative positions one
What the Catholic Church needs to do is to move for- Think about it for a moment. Catholic can imagine, but the transcendent values
ward. A new pope will have an unique opportunity to grab doctrine states that the Pope is selected of compassion and love, carried out
the worlds attention for a while, and he needs to bring seri- by the Holy Spirit (i.e., God), and millions through inclusion and mutual respect,
ous world issues to everyone's attention, especially those of of people around the world are praying for have contributed greatly to peace and jus-
us who call themselves Christians. just the right person to fill the shoes of tice on this earth. That is how to bridge
The election of a younger pope, from somewhere other the late John Paul II, the right person to the differences that divide us.
than Europe, will move the church forward. What's that you respond to numerous international chal- It is from this realization that one
say? Not gonna happen. Why not? The nation with the most lenges as well as institutional church can worship a God who, quite frankly, is
Catholics in the world is Brazil. The church's fastest grow- needs such as the priest shortage. complicit in much of the world's suffer-
ing regions are South & Central America and Africa. Places Imagine all these prayers reaching God ing. It is this moral example that allows
a new pope could do the most global good. Any coincidence saying that the Church should go this way, the Catholic Church to adopt such conser-
that a Polish pope would return home to spark the Solidarity no, that way; or at least imagine the vative positions on social issues and still
movement that would eventually end in the fall of Cardinals arguing the same among them- receive the blessing of the Almighty and
Communism? selves. And these prayers and reflections the people. Given such a context, who the
Think what an African or Latin American pope would are about those big worldly events and hell are we to think to demand, from God
be able to accomplish by sparking real debate on the African pressing Church needs. Not abortion., or anyone, "if you loved us you'd do this,
AIDS epidemic or the plight of thepoor and hungry across To those of us who believe gay if you loved us you'd do that"? It doesn't
the globe. That is one of the strengths of the papacy. Their marriage is genuine, abortion a necessary quite work that way.
ability to be an outside observer and point out what is 'bad' protection, and contraception a fully To those who believe and who are
and 'wrong' the world. Granted the church's definition what moral practice, it is legitimate to ask that in pain, there have been others who have
is 'wrong' has changed over the centuries. Just think of how a just God, a just Church, listen to our suffered the same moral troubles. But the
needs. That does not mean our prayers question is not whether the wording of
many US Senators would have purchased indulgences for
are answered, as the book of Job relates. Catholic doctrine on specific issues will
themselves-and business partners- had this practice still
existed. But they have come a long way from the banning of The grarider scheme of things in the world change; it won't. Increasingly, it is not
scientific fact and paying for forgiveness. admonishes us to be humble. This world whether the Church will reach out to
So now, I'll sit back and watch what happens. This lacks justice on so many levels. Shall we embrace all people; there is a good chance
will be the first Conclave I remember, so it should be inter- demand the realignment of all its scales to the next pontiff will continue to do just
esting. With two millennium of history to pull from our air- satisfy our needs first? that. The choice lies in whether we can, in
There is something else liberals turn, accept the love of God and the
waves will be covered with papal biographies and documen-
taries on Christianity. Few institutions have a history like don't always hear. The Catholic Church Church, even as we dissent from their
the Catholic church, drenched in power and secrecy, ever see has already addressed the social issues in restrictive doctrines. And that is a true
Hudson Hawk? a way that respects and affirms the people test of faith.
who bring them up. Catholic leaders con-

Grey Smoke, High Cardinals Request Pizza

Page 81
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 Have Fun Sht Your Giun
By Adam Kearney
There's an urge in every one of us to live They smoke pot like many teenagers do, old so-called pathetic argument: we did it
beyond rules. We manifest it in rebellions, usu- in generous amounts. It seems reasonable as an because we could.
ally in teenage years. It could consist of merely amateur to pose the question: "What would hap- Just about any normal teenager can go
throwing a bottle cap across the room, as I just pen if we smoked this whole ounce?" What you back to their happy home and pop in a
did, disregarding any reciprocal action from realize, after repeated experiments, is that Playstation game to their heart's content, as can
anyone that might be disturbed by it. I could nothing happens,,after about an eighth you reach any college student. But when we get the oppor-
have put my head through the nice, wooden fold- a plateau and there is no further increase in the tunity to do whatever we want, to act on any
ing door to the closet in my dorm room, or *gasp* high, but the kids don't know this yet and so inclination: productive, destructive or anywhere
lit my plastic cafeteria fried chicken container they smoke and smoke and smoke all fucking between, this is when we are truly having fun. I
on fire and tossed its melty guts from the win- day. This, in hindsight I realize, is what pre- can stroll over to the Press Office, pick up a
dow, but if I learned anything as a rebellious vented me from actually forming a band or hav- piece of furniture and literally launch it into the
teen, it's that these things get you in Big ing many girlfriends, and thus I will admit it is wall. It would not be the first or the last time
Trouble. Not that there's anything wrong with not a good thing. However, having the room right this has happened, and few would object, as most
Big Trouble, its just not conducive to the conclu- next to the school where these all-day sessions of the staff and editors have thankfully refor-
sion of my career here at illustrious Stony Brook can occur was a great way to meet interesting matted themselves from a life of parental and/or
University. And I've learned, in my experi- people, even if most of them are only using you societal programming. Not that destroying the
ences, that you must conclude. for you pad, but all relationships should be office would be fun, I like the office, and it's the
Call it Anarchy, or merely a diametrical- mutually beneficial, key word being mutual. freedom there that I like, that's what is fun. Life
ly opposed attitude towards the Nanny State, Meaning we're all using each other; a realistic is about freedom; America's supposed to be
that seeks to peek into your drawers to see how approach, but nevertheless real. about freedom. Breaking the rules is freedom.
good a boy you've been. They would love to run Now back in the dorms with all these reg-
a blacklight over your brain, like on MTV, but ulations that nobody follows, it isn't even fun
instead of looking for cum stains they want to see anymore to break the rules, where's that going to
how much money you're going to spend on crap get me? Homeless.' Innocence is lost, paradise
you don't want, but have been successfully exists for a minute and then it's gone. I stare at
brainwashed into desiring. They're hatching an the wall in my room with my bottle cap in hand.
index for the quality of Following Instructions. Feeling good, I consider tossing it with consid-
Right back to good old Moses, killed by his own erable strength, but reconsider, knowing that it
people in the desert, that's what we are taught could piss somebody off. Of course that some-
from history: give people a fixed, objective moral body probably deserves to get pissed off if that's
code and they will kill you, violently. Don't the way they're going to react. So I toss the fuck-
expect them to regret, that's what you told them ing thing and *click* it hits the wall and no
to do. sirens go off and no one laughs and I am totally
So given the first opportunity to disobey, not getting off, but then there was that brief
the natural inclination is to do just that. These instance of glee as it left my hand, knowing I had
freshman show up at their dorm and their first set its trajectory into effect and now could only
reaction is to get as drunk, stoned, unruly and watch what effects were provoked. Maybe that is
belligerent as possible, for once in their lives the secret of fun, the risk that comes from set-
mommy and daddy aren't going to take away the ting up a chain reaction that, once initiated, is
car keys if you puke all over the living room. completely outside your control. It's a con-
Sweet independence, I can finally get ripped off trolled accident: setting up the initial condi-
all by myself: meal plans, tuition hikes, books, tions and letting chaos take its course. Perhaps
car insurance-and for what? So I can do what I that's the secret to the best art as well. Like
always hated most: sit in a classroom and wait Pollock throwing a bucket of paint at a wall,
for time to pass, wait for it all to be over. It's- screw the rules.
like waiting to die, no one should have to live There are gaping holes in most of the Of course, the exact opposite of fun is
like that. Work is the same, perhaps worse. walls, insulation and sheetrock littering the required to obtain a college degree. Color by
That's why I'm in school: passing time at a desk stained and singed carpet, as a result of 150 numbers is fun, connect the dots, too, but when a
with an educated professor, even if it isn't pound high school students gleefully getting hypocritical value system is the norm, there's no
entirely voluntary, is preferable to spending the launched into them. Spray paint and posters real difference from elemenfary school except
same time behind a cash register, arguing cover the rest of the surface. The two hours that the words are bigger, essays longer and
coupons with the disabled, or sitting next to between the time school ends and the time my there's no crayons. We're not supposed to learn
some guy at a bar who wants to tell you his life mom comes home from work are complete chaos, about everything anymore, either, but instead
story, which probably consists of lying to my brother condones all sorts of destructive focus on one discipline that is to define us and
women. There's better knowledge than that. mischief towards his possessions, to the extent occupy us for the remainder of our existence.
I go back to my old house in Massapequa that he makes sixteen-year-old-me look like a Academic advisors don't use the word vocation,
once a week, partially due to some unconscious tightass. I had one cardinal rule as ringleader of it's taboo to think that one should pursue their
masochistic tendency, partially to get stoned that circus: there would be no throwing of own calling, too many religious overtones per-
and get my mail, but the biggest part is that I get things, and I'd enforce this with the aid of two haps, and who cares about individuality?
to see my little brother and his friends, who at metal spears and a sword I kept behind my Everyone's inclined to make money, right? Or at
sixteen give me a glimpse into my own develop- couch. This was mainly because I am gun-shy, least to spend it.
ment as a person (much insight into these mat- and when some rather large object comes So keep your true personality deep under
ters I painstakingly scribbled into five full whizzing past my head I have the tendency to get there, resist the hypocritical hegemony of
notebooks that were subsequently destroyed rather alarmed, plus I really had no desire to American .values being sprouted from the
when my brother burnt the house down in counterattack. Living without a strict authority mouths of its representatives in the public high-
January 2003). My mother is depressed and in my parents, I didn't understand the need in er education system, and above all Don't Get
hardly enforces any sort of law on the kids, as it these kids to let loose in such a nonsensical Caught, so that we secret conspirators to Fun and
was with me, and thus the upstairs two bedrooms manner. Why throw things at each other when we Free Spirit can one day have our own slice of
have become something akin to Afghanistan: vir- could paint the walls or something else artisti- Power.
tual lawlessness, terrorism, and plenty of drugs. cally productive. And here comes to light that
 M4P = MUSIC 4 US: Music for Peace Para de
By Chris Williams
April 8 - As the golden shine shim- ty of the world. Music would be the crossroads musicians as diverse as the world. Groups, such
mered in the distance, the wails of the sax waft- for understanding cultural differences. as Stolen Shack, exhibited their bluegrass tal-
ed in the air. The procession disappeared. The crowd swelled in diversity as the ents in the name of peace.
The Music for Peace Parade started. The band descended the zebra path. Soon, they Dawn Chamber, graduate student,
Stony Brook Jazz Band ushered in the thanked the numerous people that
Peace Project with a march to the helped to make the event occur. Ben
Administration building. As they Robison, graduate student, also spoke.
entered, employees, hung over banis- He addressed the significance of com-
ters in pleasant surprise. The munity in the project. He stressed the
employees made jazz with their importance of communication.
lunches. The band marched past the The Music for Peace Project
Registrar's office. Trumpets blew first occurred in 2004. For three
and resonated. The band circled. days, 73 concerts were sponsored in
The dusty Administration building 13 countries. This project was devel-
was shaken. It was vibrant with the oped and organized by the Musicians'
drawls of the trombone and the trills Alliance for Peace. Through collec-
of peace. tive contribution, they wanted to
"The campus is coming alive build a sense of community in the
with music and events," said Andrew name of peace. As the MAP website
Glass, junior. He added, "Everyone is states, "peace as a means and an end.-"
solar powered. They are energized Of participating in the Peace
by the beautiful weather." Project, Ray Andersoni, director of
The parade continued to the jazz studies for Stony Brook's music
Student Activities Center, People department, said that he "couldn't
,hopped onto the procession for say no." To him, "music is a calling."
peace. Some danced. Some disap- Described as a "virtuoso jazz trom-
peared with a smile. Others bonist," Ray Anderson led the Stony
marched. Brook Jazz Band.
With a moment's pause outside the SAC, approached the Wang Center. They perched Fellow musician and graduate student,
the band invaded the building. The disgruntled themselves outside the building. The blaze of Terry Greene was impressed by the size of the
faces of the studious showed that the band was music paused. Then, they entered. Music for Peace Project. "Ididn't know how big
making an impact. The quiet hallway was ablaze The parade pooled outside the Wang it is. It's not a sort of side show thing," he
with jazz. Center Theater. The excited flash of cameras remarked.
The music marched. With the peace showed that memorable days were coming. The Music for Peace Project was one of
banner held in the lead, it was a flag for a cause: The band continued. They walked into many ihuge events for the campus that weekend.
the Musicians' Alliance for Peace. the theater to a surprised group. They parked Other headline events include The Stony Brook
The Musicians' Alliance for Peace on the stage and in front of it. They ended with Digital Video (SBDV) Festival, I-CON 24, and
(MAP) was developed in 2001 by music stu- a fury of saxophones and trombones. the Cabaret Production of Hair.
dents at Stony Brook University. They respond- Kirsten Jerme, sophomore, introduced Some people did not know the variety. "I
ed to the events of September 11 with an appeal the upcoming weekend of events. The peace thought that I-CON was getting started early,"
to compassion and empathy. They built rela- parade opened a three day global collection of said Eli Steier, junior. He only heard the
tionships with artists and organizations. Their concerts. The variety was not limited to just the instruments. He did not see the band. That
intent was to respect and celebrate the diversi- world. Locally, there awaited a cornucopia of weekend, there was a feast for the senses.

M4P: Kumalo's Motherland Groo ve

SBy Chris Williams
April 10 - Deep bass tones flooded the internationally. The Musicians' Alliance for Peace: www.m4p.org
evening, as people poured into the venue. The Robbi Kumalo, wife of Bakithi, rose the Bakithi Kumalo's Website: boneinthenose.com
sound of jazz and traditional South African folk temperature. The cafe percolated, and people Ren6 McLean: cdbaby.com
kept the mood buoyant. rose to dance. She led a jam session of clapping
A -1
1- 1
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AI,
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As a finale to the three days of global ana snaKing. with her calls, the audi-
peace concerts, the Bakithi Kumalo Band per- ence cheered. Later, she sang a love
formed at the University Caf6. The evening was song to her husband. Her smooth voice
cool; the mood was chill. Bakithi Kumalo lead the set the mood.
group, which consisted of Robbi Kumalo (vocals), Ben Robison, one of the coordi-
Richard Cummings (piano), Rodney Harris nators of the Music for Peace Project,
(drums) and Rene McLean (saxophone). went on to the stage. In the warm
Among his many performances, Kumalo lights, he started to explain the mean-
lent his Grammy-Award winning bass to Paul ing of the Peace Project, Kumalo
Simon's album "Graceland." A native of Soweto, approached his words with a bass line.
South Africa, he has performed in the United Robison's explanation was transformed
States for over twenty years. He still continues to into spoken word.
mesmerize with his sound. However, he is not the A cool evening was made cooler
only celebrity of his band. Besides being a leg- with the successful completion of the
end in his own right, Ren6 McLean is the son of Music for Peace Project. The coirdina-
world famous alto saxophonist Jackie McLean. tor thanked everyone participating.
The younger McLean has worked with such greats I want to give a special thanks
as Dizzy Gillespie and Tito Puente. This multi- to Ellen Lindquist for all of her help.
reed instrumentalist conducted workshops and Peace.
lectured at universities and cultural programs
Page 86
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 How SPick Up Chicks
By Mike "Dusk" Billings
On a sun-drenched Saturday afternoon grows in perpetually thicker. While this may the room genuinely wanted a few pointers, sev-
in the middle of I-Con weekend, about two hun- be true the first time, shaving does not alter the eral members of the audience simply could not
dred science fiction enthusiasts saw a glimmer genetic makeup that determines' the length and handle talking about the subject of sex, dating,
of hope. Emblazoned on their weekend sched- thickness of hair. Then, as the guide was talk- and relationships without engaging in sarcas-
ules was the discussion forum that would turn ing about clothing she stated that the general tic, junior high comments. For example, before
out to be the most popular of the entire conven- rule of thumb is that one's attire should fit well the commencement of the event, someone had
tion: How to Pick up Chicks. Held in SAC 305, and not be overly baggy. This annioyed someone written "sex and roofies" on the chalkboard as
a horde of eager listeners numbering in the in the room wearing a baggy shirt and pants, an answer to the question of how to pick up
hundreds packed themselves in the small meet- who shouted out, "You just dismissed all of hip chicks. When the talk eventually made its way
ing room well beyond capacity. As countless hop fashion." Slightly flustered, the guide to actual human interactions and possible sex-
fire codes were shattered, the ual activity, someone point-
mostly male audience ed out that the aforemen-
squeezed against the walls, tioned combination was the
sat on the floor, and stood in only way any of them would
the doorway to partake in the ever be ale to touch a girl.
precious, precious knowledge While some of those in
that was to come. attendance proved that idea
In the front of the to be a real possibility, it
room, a fishnet-clad woman forced the guide to reiterate
in her early twenties stands the point that being a creepy
up and boldly orders the rapist is not the way to win a
snickering post adolescents girl's heart.
to attention as she announces Despite the fact that this
herself as our "guide." is pretty good advice, very
Before the talk began, the little of what the guide said
guide laid down the ground is going help anyone's dat-
rules; no hitting on the guide ing life. Other than "don't
and no laughing at other peo- be creepy," the guide stuck
ple's questions. The discus- to generalities when dis-
sion was broken up into four cussing how to talk to the
parts; hygiene, appearance, opposite gender. The stan-
interaction, and psychology. dard idioms of "just go up to
For anyone that has ever her and say 'hi,"' and "try to
attended I-Con, there is no find something in common
doubt that the hygiene por- that you can talk about"
tion sorely needed to spear- were the best principles she
head the lecture. The guide could espouse. When she
touched on the basics; bathe started to talk about why
every single day, use soap, girls love bad boys, it was
and don't be afraid of deodor- clear that our guide might
ant. Some may have thought that this part was clarified that the lecture only pertained to not be the expert on relationships she purport-
a little silly, but these people would change "geeks," and that she did not mean to insult ed herself to be. Knowing that the next section
their minds after spending thirty seconds in him. As the offended party geared up to for- involved psychology and the difference
the console gaming room. mulate a retort, half of the room began to jeer between plutonic friendships and romantic
The oration transitioned smoothly from him and whine about the fact that they were the relationships, my impending frustration com-
hygiene to appearance. Some of the issues dis- ones who needed help with girls. pelled me to take an early leave from the forum.
cussed pertained to length of hair, clothing, Even though this was when the audience In general, the talk was mildly entertaining,
and beard trimming. Although these subjects began to unravel, many of the.attendees had uninformative, and littered with bad jokes from
seem harmless enough, the proceedings started been making childish and markedly trite inter- an audience that really should have been pay-
becoming a little odd. First, the guide con- locutions throughout the address. It became ing more attention to .the part about bathing.
tended that when you shave bodily hair, it abundantly clear that although some people in
88 mph
 - I

My Brother and the Freakies:

My Afternoon at I-CON
By Meri Wayne
direction to coax him into going in through the anything.
main entrance with me. Matt may be generous with his friends,
Once inside, he led me through a mess of but not so much with his family. He only start-
costumed freaks into a classroom while talking ed buying real gifts for our birthdays three
about his weekend. He had found his wallet-it years ago and usually with money borrowed
fell out of his pocket at the Voltaire concert-but frpm Mom. In fact, I can only remember once
his asthma medication was M.I.A. Not so bad; when he bough me something for a non-
two years ago he lost his sneakers at a Con. Christmas/birthday occasion. I don't remem-
The classroom was bright, even with the ber what about, but about three years ago I was
blinds down. Projected onto the screen was an so infuriated with Matt that I stopped speaking
anime which my brother, perpetually incapable to him. Four or five days later I came home to
of summarizing things, told me nothing about. find a three foot, stuffed bear on my bed with a
We sat down next to, as I was introduced to her, sloppy, handwritten "I'm sorry." I still have
his friend Dylan's girlfriend (I learned, much the bear; he guards my bed at my mom's house.
later, that her name was Mo and she is fifteen). Back at I-CON, I was growing increas-
So there I was, in a room full of costumed ingly bored. Finally, as a last effort, I offered
freakies engrossed in this strange cartoon that food in exchange for leaving the strange anime
seemed to have some kind of homosocial rela- room. He agreed, and proceeded to offer my
tionship going on, sitting on the floor. Boredom hospitality to his friend Dylani's girlfriend, Mo.
set in very quickly, but whenever I whispered As we walked to the SAC, I explained to the
something to Matt, all of the freakies gave me young-uns the odd sexual parts of the campus.
dirty looks. The SAC, the Wang and the boobies in the main
Finally we went out to the balcony to see Staller lobby. Stony Brook, we decided, is a
some more of Matt's friends. These fifteen and pre-op, post-hormone transsexual.
Last weekend was the most happening sixteen year old kids thought they were so cool, After eating the delicious (or disgust-
weekend on campus that I can remember I-CON smoking their Marlboro Reds. One of them even ing, however you look at it) food that cost my
was taking over; the SBDV festival was in full told me his "How I started smoking" sob-story. meal plan $16.42, we headed over to the deal-
swing; and Hair was playing at the Fanny Brice er's room. I had $2 burning a hole in my pock-
Theater. What an awesome selection of things to et. Of course, the dealers had closed ten min-
see. Unfortunately for me, I was in Theater Two utes before we got there. There were only a few
of the Staller Center almost all weekend. For tables in the information area, but my money
some reason, who knows what, the light focus got spent.
for Three Sisters was taking place. From 9 a.m. Matt helped me pick out a sticker that
to 10:45 p.m. on Saturday and from noon to 11 reads "I [shape of a] Screw Robots" and a couple
p.m. on Sunday I was scheduled to be slaving of buttons. I was $1 shy of getting a Death
away in the theater while everyone I know frol- Warrant, but I did get to see the Sith rock band
icked merrily. toys. I took a picture for my collector-cousin
When we were released eight hours and the company's card to email the shot. With
early on Sunday I saw my chance to get some 500 left and no more cool pins to buy, we went
quality time with my younger brother, Matt, a outside. Sitting on the steps of the Sports
devoted, costumed, Conri fan. I also wanted to Complex, I watched him interact with his peers.
annoy and embarrass him in front of his I was impressed; I'd never really pictured Matt
friends. I wanted revenge for Friday night, as belonging anywhere, but it became painfully
when I graciously let him crash on my couch obvious that these were his people.
provided that he didn't call too late to let him Tired from my long weekend, I decided
in (I had to be up at 7:15 a.m.), which he did. to go home. I said goodbye to Matt and then
Five times. At 2:30 a.m. rummaged through a box marked "Free
Excited to be in daylight, I happily Toys-Take Me!" I walked home that evening
walked across campus to ESS, a building that with 1 sticker, 2 pins, a Kill Bill Volume 1
I've never been in. As I walked, listening to poster, an Extreme Sharks rollerblading toy, a
Nick Drake on my iPod and smoking the hand- Battlestar Galactaca key chain and a new sense
rolled, herbal treat that I'd be dreaming of all of who my brother is. And while we may not
weekend, I thought about what the best way to have gotten the quality time that I'd hoped for,
annoy Matt would be Should I tell embarrass- I must have seemed so old, like some kind of I think that maybe he's just a little closer to
ing stories to his friends? Should I mention his authority person or something, lecturing them letting me into his sick and twisted life.
hentai collection? Or the monkey-faced-purse on the dangers of smoking and second hand
he stole from me when he was five? Maybe the smoke. It was one of those moments that make
time he poured a bottle of my perfume on him- you realize just how very old you are. When I
self when he was eight. was their age, these kids were in the second or
No, those stories were too old. If I was third grade. That's not a very good feeling.
going to tell stories I needed, something more SWhile on the balcony I met three chicks
recent. Instead, I decided to exploit his fear of who were posing for pictures. Two of them were
cameras. Fear may be the wrong word, but it in costume and I have NO idea what they were
comes close. My camera would be on him non- supposed to be. Actually, apart from the
stop. Ghostbusters I saw on Friday, I couldn't identi-
But first, I had to find him. ESS. Earth, fy any other characters I came across. Anyway,
Space, Science? Even Study Sleeping? Every these girls were pretty cool-for freakies. They
Student Sucks? I have no idea. I'm a CCS major; let me take their picture and they took one of
I have classes in only four buildings on campus. me.
But I'd been to Harriman and, on Matt's advice,. When we went back inside to watch more
I headed over there. random anime (apparently we were just waiting
After waiting outside for ten minutes, for someone to call), I got to sit in a chair! Matt
my brother deviously called my cell phone and proceeded to show me all the crap he spent his
told me to turn around. Expecting him to be money on-gifts for random friends: a strange,
behind me, I was relatively unsurprised to find green, stuffed toy; a goth-like, gunmetal-col-
my lazy, little brother on the balcony. After ored choker with matching earrings fro his
much bickering, he came down to talk before girlfriend; and a Hello Kitty pirate pillow.
climbing up the balcony without me. It took Nothing for Meri; nothing to say, "Sorry for
much convincing and my terrible sense of waking you on Friday." But I wasn't expecting
akn.yo-o

Page 89
Photo Spread by Bill Lewis
e •
 Tournaments and Pagean trby
· · II I By Lena Tumasyan
powerful impact on a town. They created busi-
On Sattrday, April 9th at 3 PM in because they had to be designed not only to pro-
Harriman Hall room 116 an amazing event was tect the eyes, but to also provide the best range ness and perhaps the only livelihood that the
going on-the truth about knighthood was of vision (depicted by the range of helmet villages had. From blacksmiths to horsesmiths,
revealed. types). Typically, when helmeted, a knight had tailors, bakers, washers, and woodcutters.
Robert Mahling, who is a student at no peripheral vision. It was also quite heavy-25 During tournament, the lances were made of
Stony Brook, hosted a one-hour lecture about to 30 pounds, of which a few rested on the easily breakable wood, which had to be special-
medieval tournaments and pageantry. He has shoulders. When on a horse, part of the armor, ly logged and cut. Thus, the need for good hel-
been attending I-CON since I-CON 8, but it was thighs and lower, were mounted to the horse, to mets and shields-so that the wood splinters
his first time speaking about the subject matter. lighten the load. To wear armor meant to be bur- wouldn't enter the body. But another weapon
Accompanying him were Jordana Dlugacz, who dened by pounds of metal and to need a horse for was used that could impact the armor-ball and
has attended approximately 6-7 I-CONs, and movement. To wear armor also meant to smell chain. If thrust hard enough, -the ball could
Jim Phoel, who has been coming since I-CON 3. really bad from the sweating that goes under the impact enough to cause broken bones and severe
Dlugacz and Phoel formed a group named heated metal and' to take care of bathroom busi- internal bleeding.
"Kingdom of DragonWynde" in 2002, which ness inside the armor. Taking it off and putting Mahling, with the help of Dlugacz and
Mahling later joined for the lecture. "Kingdom it on was a very long procedure. But of course, Phoel, describes tournament as a crafty, pre-
of DragonWynde" also specializes in "costuming releasing waste into the armor was dangerous to orchestrated, duel to the possible death. It pro-
and film," and "fieldtime," which are reenact- ones health-and in fact could result in future vided both entertainment and a way to settle
ments of combats, stocks (dungeon), and courts problems, infections, sores, and a really bad disputes. The main characters, the knights, had
(official tradition). rash. to be specially trained from childhood as how to
I went into the room not knowing what to Knights were taught many things from fight in the tournament, outside the tournament
expect. I knew that the topic of tournaments was the time they were youths-how to fight with var- as well as other things that rich people needed
a popular one, especially with the recent film ious weapons, read, write, archery, horseman- to know how to do. Knighthood wasn't all fights
"A Knight's Tale" and an older film "First ship, court proceedings, math and the such. and feasts-it was a mess of smell, difficult to
Knight." Books typically represent a "knight in Mahling described a well-educated knight to be wear uniforms, and chivalrous as well as
shining armor," a heroic athletes with manners more of a "well-rounded" person, but not neces- unkindly behavior. Thank all ye who hath
of "chivalry" and "altruism." According to sarily a good one. What we consider chivalry cometh and endureth the very interesting lec-
Mahling, Dlugacz and Phoel, many of these are now was really just manners for the rich. ture. Good day!
misrepresentations, and in fact things we wish Dlugacz helped Mahling a lot in describing how
to believe were true, perhaps even romanticized "ladies" (or rich women) were treated in a par-
in books from the medieval times themselves as ticular way and behaved towards the knight in a
true, but in reality were very different. particular way, where actions had particular
Here is something we know: knights wore meanings assigned. The poor women were treat-
armor, it was made of metal, they had shields ed in whatever mood the knight was feeling the
and weapons, and nany helmets were designed day-if he was in the middle of pillaging a vil-
very differently. Here's what you might not lage, sure why not rape a few? There was noth-
know: the armor could weigh up to 100 pounds, ing her or her family could do about it.
they carried a sword, and the shields had mean- In reality knights could behave. very
ings. There were several types of swords: "light" nasty-simply because they could. When they
or "arming" swords were one-handed, and came to town all attention was on them, they had
"great," "broad," or "long" swords were two- ultimate respect and power, only that which a
handed. Depending on the time period, the rich duke might equal. But many times the
knight carried and knew how to use one or more. knights themselves owned sizable property and
The shield had information about where the all the people and pastures located there. The
knight was from geologically, what family he men and women of the town became his proper-
belonged to, and other similar information. ty to treat as he saw fit.
Spurs on boots were used as a weapon, to stomp Meanwhile, the tournaments, which were
and kill. originally designed as a way to reduce war by
I: '.
The helmet was a very important.piece
r ~ I I II
taking arguments out on this battlefield, had a
- : - - --

I-CON, Blah
-ByDustin "Sorcerer Supreme " Herlich
I-CON 24 came, went, and that was it. I use it. I'd like to open a soap stand at the next be something different. 40 more extra hours of
must say, personally I do have fun at I-CON. I con and see if anyone buys even a single bar. I Anime is nothing new and different. Change the
like walking around and taking pictures. I like doln't think they know what it is. I-CON has just formats, change the types of programs, have
socializing with old friends who wander back to lost the. spring in its step. more sessions. Do something racy, something
campus and occasionally I enjoy making fun of Maybe I'm alone in my observations, but eye catching. The rocketry was cool from what I
something absurd. This year the dealer room I really don't think so. No one really seemed understand, but there needs to be more of it.
was more crowded than it has been in the past. I that overly enthusiastic this year about any- To have a better con you need more inter-
don't really think more people were buying this thing. Prices in the dealer room are up, and active activities, not just movies and some gam-
'year; I just think that less people wanted to go to thanks to the University's backwards ways you ing, Give more exposure to HALO tournaments
the other events. I-CON has become expensive, can't sell anything that really sells in the deal- and less to DDR. How about bring back some old
and kind of ho-hum. Unfortunately it's also er room any more. There's nothing in there you school games like DOOM II, or even have
become much more of an anime event than any- can't getcheaper online these days, and very few Nintendo tournaments. I bet those would be
thing else. Some programs like Rocky -Horror unique items.:There were a few new stands that popular. How about more sessions on costume
draw huge crowds, and that was interesting, but were interesting, but just too much of the same, creation, significance and historical value of
to -break costumes, etc, etc? I-CON has really just lost
for the most part I just didn't see myself inter- year after year.. I-CON really needs
ested in most of the other programming. In years away and do something completely different. some its luster. I'm a big supporter of I-CON,
and They need more guests, they clearly need a bet- and a big fan. What I'm really getting at is that
past. they had herbalists and historians
experts of all interesting kinds. This year they ter location and they need more energy and life. I-CON needs to grow, and really do something
had. a program by the Christopher Reeves The people who run I-CON are dedicated special and different next year. It's going to be
Foundation, but many charge that I-CON is not individuals who donate countless hours of their the quarter century anniversary of I-CON, and
the. place for this. personal time to this event. For that, I thank they've never had a Star Trek Captain. There is
Some programs, like "How To Pick Up them. I applaud the efforts of those who really so much I-CON can do, they just have to actually
Women" were funny not on purpose, but based care about I-CON, but what I see is that too many do it. Fire all the old farts, and bring in more
on what kinds of creatures packed the room. people have been running I-CON since its incep- students. Get rid of guests who have been there
There was some good advice given, like if some- tion. They never leave and you never get fresh for 25 years- and invite some people who have
one steps back from you, don't keep moving for- blood in the mix. They-have their little sphere never come. How about Stan Lee, and other comic
ward. What was missing though was the REASON- of influence, their little gem of power and they writers, artists and now actors even. Let people
someone is stepping back away from you. It's don't give it up. That is why many left I-CON like me in on I-CON planning, and I bet you'll
called soap, and too few of the people at I-CON this year saying "it sucked." There just needs to have a better year than this one.
Page 94
 · -·
Brobdingagian Ba rds
By William Lewis
During the weekend of April 8-10 we was the start of where we find these two young way or another then its up to you.
here at Stony Brook got to play host to I-CON 24. men now. Tl~re biggest show that they did was
Itself it was not all that bad, nor was it all that From there the two men when on to play when they got to play at the Qscar party of The
hot. One of the many things that we get here at at different shows from fairs to I-CON which all Return of the King part of the Lord of the Rings
SBU for I-CON is the chance to see different have led to different adventures of the two men. movies in LA, yet no matter what show they are
performers show us their stuff in hopes to "Early on in the thing when we where playing doing finding themselves filled with joy and
knock our socks off from what they can do. This Marc was very shy," remised Andrew. "One of happens which shows on them the
I-CON, like some of the past others, brought to the girls took his tuner and put it down the Brobdingnagian Bards sing and play their songs
us a duet team of Irish and Scottish singers cleavage of her cosset and was kind of taunting for the people there.
called the Brobdingnagian Bards all the way him (Marc) with it. And being thegood friend I It was about four years ago that Marc
from Texas. was, and said 'No no Marc, I'll handle this for from the Bards had seen that another Celtic
Now the word "Brobdingnagian" comes you.' So I took a leap off stage and landed face band called Emerald Rose was playing here at I-
from the book Gulliver's Travels and it means first and received said tuner with my teeth.'" CON. Asking Emerald Rose how they (the
"of extraordinary size; gigantic; enormous." So And here I was thinking that Rocker's have all Brobdingnagian Bards) get to play here at I-CON
you can take that any way you want as I told my the fun, how wrong I was. the Bards found themselves here expecting
lads over the pound as I told them what With such songs like "Rocky Road to something out of SNL with James T. Kirk.
Brobdingnagian meant. With a sound that 'Dublin," "Finnegan's Wake," "Bog Down in the So with songs in hand the
reminds me of the Irish Rovers, The Clancy Valley" and the all time fav of mine "Do Virg-ins Brobdingnagian Bards take forth over Stony
Brothers, and classic Scottish folk music, the Taste Better," the Brobdingnagian Bards do Brook with a different array of songs that move
Brobdingnagian Bards took center stage in my their thing on stage for all the people. Once all. With such songs like "If I have-Million
- -i-- _. -- -- -C - --- I_- 4--L I * - _
caienaar or people 1o listen Ducats, -Bog Down in the
to during this I-CON. Valley," "Do Virgins Taste
It was since Better," and the famous
February of 1999 that Monty Python song "Always
Andrew McKee and Marc Look on the Bright Side of
Gunn have been playing Life," the Bards can bring
music together as the everyone to a wonderful
Brobdingnagian Bards with mood. When they sing
such an essence of deep "Always Look on the Bright
friendship that it radiates Side of Life" you just can't
from them while they are help but find yourself feel-
together on stage singing, ing warm and fuzzy on the
dancing, joking with the inside. The Bards' stage
people there to see them, show and songs are worth
and interacting with the every dime and penny you
other performers. With I- have to spend so that you can
CON being held here at a see them in person.
college with dorms and RAs With their shows
it is kind of fitting that the here at SBU for I-CON the
Brobdingnagian Bards were Bards were able to be found
here. Both Andrew McKee within Javits. Andrew
and Marc Gunn had the McKee had to say this about
chance to meet on the cam- that building that so many of
pus in Texas with: Marc us happen to find our way
being an RA fori Andrew into. "It's a wonderful place
who held the rule that no the building is well con-
one can be louder then him. structed and could with-
"He was. very stand any hurricane-force
thoughtful as an RA in the wind. And in fact in this
dorm," Andrew remarked building here, that we are in
about. Marc. With Marc's Javits that if there where any
rule of how loud people horrible accidents here that
could be on his floor, he I would remain right here in
would rock it out on his electric guitar and amp during one of their sets about a year ago while Javits. This is an impregnable building, kinda
while doing his duty as a RA. What started both doing "Do Virgins Taste Better" that, a little reminds me of the old 1 7 th and 1 8th century
men on their way to playing the music that we child no older then six asks aloud in the show forts." The Brobdingnagian Bards are funny,
all have make to know and love from them ranged "What are Virgins?" With such a song the smart, well versed in the theory/myth of Javits,
with it being something from a heritage desire Brobdingnagian Bards get e-mails from parents friendly guys, amazing musicians and all
to expand on. While on the south lawn of their telling them about how their kids got in trouble around pleasant people to be around with. For
old college in Texas Marc was found to be play- from singing the song "Do Virgins Taste Better" more information and samples of their timeless
ing some of his "Celtic" songs which led him to while at school. In all, it's just a nice song about sound you can go to www.thebards.net.
being asked to play at a renaissance fair, which a dragon and a Virgin and if you want to take one
 I-CON and Peace Conce rts
By Rob Gilheany
I split my weekend between I-Con and In the later afternoon I head some nice influence curriculum, in high schools or univer-
the Concerts for Peace. There was some kind of a music coming from the University Cafe. I went sities. It is very disturbing that the topic even
snafu with the SAC Box office and I-CON. There in. I spoke to Kevin Kelly, the FSA president. I comes up in 2005.
were no available weekend passes on Thursday. had known Kevin when he was a grad student. We The afternoon at the University Cafe,
So I went to the Gym and became an I-CON vol- exchanged pleasantries, and I spoke to Fred there was a Peace Concert. A band called "Stolen
unteer. My Press buddy James and I worked at Preston. The heavy hitters were all there. I even Shack" played they were very cool. I enjoyed the
stetting up the Dealers Room. This weekend is I- got to speak to Stony Brook President Shirley show very much. There were two of the three
CON weekend. It is a major Stony Brook tradi- Kenny. I said "I think it is great that Stony Brook members of the band: a keyboardist and a guitar
tion. Our campus gets transformed into a Science is taking over the Southampton Marin Science player/singer. They made nice music. The singer
Fiction, Fantasy fest. Lots of people come in cos- department. My old friend Chris Gobler was the told us of the songs they were playing. Several of
tumes ranging from Star Trek and Star Wars garb head of the department. She referred to him as the songs were old Scottish and English ballads
to Renaissance costumes. There are several films "Chris." I showed her my Alumni Association that were centuries old.
and live action role-players do their thing also. card. She said "We like the Alumni John Robinson, the bass player for
This weekend is also the weekend for Association." I had contemplated writing about Pumice were there with his daughter. He. chat-
Peace concerts and related events. I decided to the merger with the Southampton College Marine ted. I said that I was splitting my time between
split my time between I-CON and the Peace con- Sciences Department and Stony Brook. Now that I the peace concerts and I-CON. He said "I figured
certs. On Friday I went on a Ryder truck and got mentioned to Shirley, I guess I have to do it. you would be torn."
some tables and chairs schlepped around cam- I made it back to the Press office, I need Stolen Shack played more. The singer
pus. James, I and other I-CON volunteers did to do an I-CON thing. I made it Javits and saw the picked up a banjo and covered Bruce
this. This was fun. A nice rapport developed Will Smith Move "I-Robot" based on the Isaac Springsteen's "I'm on Fire." It was awesome. I
amongst us. I then went to the Wang Center to see Asimov novel. Will Smith really made this move went up to them and bought a CD.
a movie documentary on Apartheid and the worthwhile. I got back to the Press office and I have seven of the eight hours covered
struggle against it in South Africa. crashed. for my volunteering for I-CON. One more hour
On Friday afternoon, the Documentary On Saturday I went to some of the I-CON panels. and I can get my $10 deposit back. I didn't mind
"Amadala" was shown. This was a powerful At the SAC on the 3rd floor. "where is my flying if I didn't complete my last hour or got my $10.
movie about the internal fight against Apartheid car" was a topic of this panel I found myself at. But I was asked to volunteer for the banquet.
in South Africa. It showed the importance of The moderator of the panel read off a list of There is a awards banquet for I-CON that they do
music and dance in that human liberation strug- things real live scientists are working on (I'm evrey year. They give out an award for a career
gle. It showed the implemei writing science fiction, The
tation *of Apartheid. I ymond J Galleon award. Our
process involved the ma friend Gary Halada won the
relocation of Black people kington Award for his long
South Africa to "township ie connection to I-CON. That
where they would be ghe s cool. Gary got up accepted
toized and moved way fro award and gave a nice talk
the 'Whites' also known as tl t was filled with his jokes. I
Afrikaners. The regin rked the banquet for a few
called the policy " Goc irs pouring sodas for the
Neighbors." This documei ests. Conrad Brooks, the
tary showed the music ilgood of B movies was there.
spiritual and political. came up for a few drinks. I
traced their song and mus :ognized him and recited
as getting more militant es from "Ed Wood" like
time went on. We saw a wate ome, I have no home..." and "I
shed event, the massacre e to wear women's clothes."
children at Soweto, that mao eeded to get to the University
the movement more milita fe at 8pm for a peace concert.
while gaining more intern 'ulfilled my volunteer com-
tional support. The music g tment and made my way to
more militant. In the son SU-Cafe. A 11 piece
,"Bibles were taken out ai lombian Band called
AK's were put in" was said olklore Urbano Pablo Mayor"
their film. The documenta tyed. They smoked;-half of
pointed out that the 198 Scapacity crowd got up and
were the crescendo of tl aced. I danced too; it was fan-
movement. International su] tic. The leader of the band
port for liberation was big. d keyboardist introduced
Right here at Stoj Ssongs, "This song is from
Brook an organization call Colombian Caribbean cost"
ROAR (Riehtfullv Opposed d "this number is from the
Apartheid and Racism) was very active. The: going to have to remember what they are). Some Colombian Pacific cost" All their songs were
formed a coalition with BlackWorld, the Unity people took the title too literally, and only want- very danceable and musical. They did a cover of
Cultural Center, the Red Balloon and others to ed to talk about flying cars. " Can you imagine American jazz legend Thalonius Monk. Folklore
boycott Coca Cola on campus, they did business those idiots on the roads in flying carts?" was a Urbano was the highlight of the weekend.
with apartheid. One campus organization common feeling. I asked the moderator about the Back to I-CON. I made my way to Javits,
opposed this. The College Republicans. Star Trek Transport mechanism, and asked if my met some friends and we were going to see the
I remember the movement against organs would be intact. He said the tele-trans- Troma Films. These are low comedy films where
Apartheid, and how it manifested itself locally. portation is being worked on. He said that what our Hero "Toxi" beats up the bad guys. There is
The fight in South Africa led to a revolution. it does is record the information and makes a lots of gratuitous violence and lots of guts and
Nelson Mandela was released from prison after copy if what is being transported gets material- feces fly around.
27 years and the ANC (African National ized. "If you do that with you, does your soul get I took a short break from our friend
Congress) took power. Democracy prevailed. transported?" he asked. "Toxi." I checked on a few friends who were
Nelson Mandela made an historic visit to the The next panel I went to was titled watching Japanese Anime. I walked in. On the
United States. I went with a woman friend, "Intelligent Design" I checked it out. The pan- screen a cartoon girl was moaning and cartoon
Naomi, to see him at a rally on 125th Street in elists were all bright and well read. After a cops were penetrating her. It looked like a tor-
the heart of Harlem NYC. At this event Betty while it became clear to me that this panel was ture interrogatiodn. A cop, a purple humanoid
Shabazz gave a bouquet of flowers to Winnie attacking the validity of evolution. Actually creature walked in, unzipped himself and his
Mandela, former U.S. political prisoner, Dharuba only one person on the panel was against Darwin male organ went right into the girl's mouth. I
Bin Wahad spoke, then Nelson Mandela spoke. and evolution. I had that sinking feeling. was in this room for a minute and a half. I walked
We marched after his speech. Evolution is a fact. I don't find this argument out. I'm not comfortable that there is an audi-
This documentary brought back activist memo- interesting at all. Religion should be kept out of ence for that. I went back to the Troma films.
ries for me. science and the Flat Earth Society should not be Some may see irony in that. The Anime and

Page 96
 I-CON and Peace Concers contnued...
By Rob Gilheany
Troma films are in a different ballpark all fiction is supposed to look at humanity's issues After The Village I ran into a friend, Will White,
together. and put them in the future or put it deep in that and I said that I was going to see a film called
Sunday was the last day of I-CON and galaxy, Hillbilly Monster. It was a schlock movie filmed
Peace Concerts. I went to a panel about Politics I made my way to Javits. I ran into my old on a camcorder by some local yokels. Conrad
and Science Fiction. It became very clear that friend Michele Wacker. We chatted for a while, Brooks was in this movie, for no logical reason.
this was a conservative panel. The moderator, talked of 'old times and some of our old friends. I got back to the Press office, and then
John Normas, said that he was a Libertarian. And then we got to Javits. I went to see Conrad James, A.K. and I went to Ronkonkoma, for the
That OK, I don't despise them like I do many Brooks and his stories. I then went to another opening of the Anarchist Free Space. I spoke to
R ennhlicans . I hninld'vep said "Ynn'r a
Republican who smokes dope" but I
Kevin AAVl Vala
Van M•ptr n fw X
ar ear,

put together a fundraiser for his

g.6v
irrno I

missed that opportunity. I needed to do group, the Modern Times collective.

something to affect the panel discus- I talked to him. I checked out the
sion. I mentioned Marge Piercy. She is Space. I love the Space. I want to
an author I like. Though not mainly a hold the Be-In after party there.
science fiction author, she did write We got back to the Campus. I was
two science fiction novels, Woman on going to check out the last peace
the Edge of Time and He She and It. I concert of the weekend. A jazz band
said that she is incredible and her sci- was playing at the University Caf6,
ence fiction brings in the issues of which was packed. The jazz was
gender, sexual politics, labels and sta- good, the vibe was nice. I had some
tus together in ways I've never seen in Sierra Nevada pale ales and dug the
science fiction. The moderator said, "I show. Stony Brook Presser Jamie
don't read feminist fiction." was staffing the bar. He had dyed
I brought Marge Piercy up a last year's his hair red and yellow. I was wear-
I-CON and was shot down. I guess ing a red sweater and yellow shorts.
Marge Piercy is not to be spoken of at I said "Jamie! Check out your hair
I-CON. No doubt she would have some- and my ensemble."
thing to say about the misogyny in the Jim Leotta came in. He is a long
anime. time activist. I had known Jim since
The end of the panel that fool the 80s. Jim was the NYPIRG cam-
stared to comment on the panel. "I am pus coordinator hear at Stony Brook
happy with this panel." He started to for 2 years in the 80s.. I notice John
mention the people he admires. All the Mascher was at the peace concert.
right wing radio idiots. He event men- He is a current NYPIRG state board
tions Michael Savage, who like to tell representative. I grabbed John, "I
gay callers that they should die from want you to meet someone." We
AIDS. I have an idea for science fiction; maybe it room in Javits and saw The Village. That move hung out. John talked to Jim. Jim and I
can take on hate radio. Base it out its role in was better then I expected it. It was a very intel- exchanged old war stories. It was a nice way to
Rwanda or the Mathew Sheppard case. Science ligent movie. end this eventful weekend.

.wlj ram Iaq I-CON By David "Klingon" Ginn

Van DIS ghaHta Willeain ta'be legh it,,e lg Hta QaQ.

a
wlj wva'Did• tuq ach jIH
DIS "Star Trek" rejta' LEq
IDq "I-GIN". Pa'- gha Dic. taq
Daq "Red DAarf" tuq
c
gjHata la' du' dh' DIS. jIH ta'be' DAJavits t. m
DIrn je chaH "Ped Dfarf" g-aHta"
jaHta' naEeV lDq QaQ. jIH gh•jta
Story Brook. jIHl "p6:al clotls" r&q
tat"e' lgh "Star jaj ah jghoe' "s-pe
Trek" tuq ach cH Sop I-CON Soj ach cial cths" G~D
ghaHta' Q~ jIH ram. I-CTN
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h-kta' ja'ta'. MYtt D~rhrey. ChaR gIhaHta" QaQ.
Page 97
 Interview With Jewel St lite
I , very serious.
By Rob Pearsall
I like to naively think that I made a cou- MFD: You haven't gotten any wrong. (JS Laughs)
ple friends this I-CON. I thought I was going to
get my DVD set signed and that would be it, but SBP: American Idol or Lost? MFD: Or...good journalists or...
I ended up with the crazy idea of an interview
and delusions of grandeur. No grandeur yet, but JS: Oh my god! How can I...These are two shows JS: One.
I got the interview, and this snazzy new tape that I will not miss, you don't understand. Like,
recorder. Jewel Staite was kind enough to give both. American Idol. SBP: That's a valid answer.
us a few moments of her time (thanks again!) and
answer the questions I had written hours SBP: (Stunned silence) Three for four, that's ok, MFD: Absolutely.
before. You may know her from that cancelled that's ok.
Fox show Firefly, or that other cancelled Fox SBP: Chicago Style or New York Style.
show Wonderfalls. Don't let the "cancelled" bit MFD: Hey, I was obsessed with season two,
fool you. They are both great fuckin' shows, and buddy. Alright? JS: New York Style.
Fox doesn't know shit about quality program-
ming. She is playing Kaylee in Serenity this JS: Once you get the first, like, two episodes, SBP: Um...Alright, do you find dead-baby jokes
fall, which is a movie based off Firefly, written you're done. funny?
and directed by Joss Whedon. She was also on
Space. Cases on Nickelodeon. She had rainbow MFD: Exactly, you watch, like, any of that stuff. JS: Sure! (laughs)
hair and an imaginary friend that wasn't so
imaginary. But enough filmography, onto the JS: That's it. MFD: (Gives a thumbs up) You're super cool, by
questions! the way.
MFD: The casting specials or whatever, you're
Stony Brook Press: I bought this [tape recorder] in. JS: I love these questions, they're great. This is
today, 'cause I didn't really expect to get this the best interview I've had.
far. It was kind of a...I just decided, I think yes- JS: That's it. But I love Lost, it's so good. I love
terday, that I was gonna ask for an interview. both. SBP: I'm very proud of that.

Jewel Staite: (Laughs) Oh whatever, I don't mind. SBP: Alright. Back to the Future, I, II, or III? Guy Walking In: Are they coming up with good
questions?
My Friend Dave: You've been very courteous (Laughs all around)
thus far. JS: Yeah, they go, "Do you think dead-baby jokes
JS: Oh my god. arP funnv?"

JS: As long as you ask me very interesting ques-

tions. SBP: We're just a campus newspaper, we're not

MFD: Crap.

SBP: Well we've got a lot of either/or questions. THE STONY BROOK PRESS
JS: Do you have a, "Tell me about your charac-
ter," question?

SBP: No, no we don't.

JS: Ok, good.

SBP: Actually, we have nothing about Firefly

here...

JS: Ok.

MFD: I can ask you about Wonderfalls if you

really want me to.

JS: Whatever man, whatever you guys want to

ask me.

SBP: Well, to start off, we're at I-CON so, Star

Wars or Star Trek?

JS: Star Wars. (MFD laughs mildly)

SBP: Alright, let's see, Superman or Batman?

JS: Batman.

MFD: Fantastic.

JS: He's hotter.

SBP: This is going so well! (Laughs all around) WE HAVE YOUR GRATUITOUS
Harold and Kumar or Half Baked?

JS: Harold and Kumar.

SLAVE GIRL, AND IF YOU WANT
MFD: Oh my god! HER BACK, COME AND GET HER.
SBP: You're like our new best friend.

My Friend Joe: This is like.a test with correct MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 1 pm

answers.
STUDENT UNION ROOM 060
Page 98
_ __

Interview With Jewel Staite

SBy Rob Pearsall
JS: Sure! SBP: No...The American Idol one kinda threw us
off.
SBP: Alrig :ht, that requires mailing information
GWI: Yeah, they are actually. May I interrupt (hands he r the envelope that my questions are JS: (laughs) I knew it did!
you to... on). Yea h...my questions are on an envelope.
That show s how prepared I am. MFD: Well, mainly him. (Motioning to me)
JS: This is my husband. He-he.'ll stay quiet.
(Dead Air ) JS: You got really quiet, there. You were all,
SBP: What's-what's his name? like, (Makes nervous face and stays quiet)
SBP: For the record she is getting out an
JS: Matt-Matty. , address. There's a lot of dead air on that tape. Matty: What, they asked what TV shows you
watched?
MFD: That's something worthwhile for the arti- MFD: It's the best dead air ever. We're in a
cle. squash co urt. JS: They said, "Lost or American Idol?"

Matty: The best thing about these questions is I Matty: You saidAmerican Idol!? (MFD laughs)
can recycle them when your Q&As are boring.
Although I don't know about the dead-baby JS: Yeah, you would have said Lost.
jokes one.
Matty: Shit...
MFD: I think the audience would love it, per-
sonally. SBP: Yeah, your husband's cooler than you are.

SBP: There was, um, there was one question JS: Yeah, well, some days.
about fan-fiction [at the Q&A] and I want to
know how scared you really are of fan-fiction. .Girl In Room: I could see her watching American
Idol.
JS: It depends on who's writing it. (Matty
laughs) Matty: We were at the finale of the first one.
With Kelly Clarkson.
SBP: The general internet public. (MFD laughs)
Just the majority of fan-fiction, I know we're JS: This is the first year people have quit. I
scared of it. I want your thoughts. liked it.

MFD: I mean is there such a thing as... (This part of the tape is a little unintelligible)

JS: A little frightening-it's a little frightening. Matty: What do the numbers mean? What is in
Little bit. How could you not be a little fright- the thing? When the light came on, that was
ened, come on. amazing!

SBP: Like I was saying, I was expecting to be SBP: Yes, we're in the squash courts. (More unintelligible tape with laughter and
sacked by a PR guy before, when I walked up to talking)
you-so, um, the last question is do you want a JS: Did I disappoint you greatly? In any of my
copy of this interview or... answers? SBP: I think we're gonna end it here.
I