The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)

The Devils Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.
"The man was in such deep distress,"
Said Tom, "that I could do no less
Than give him good advice." Said Jim:
"If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done."
BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common
sense.
KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and
has usually no head to speak of.
NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1813)

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a
wife.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this
truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property of some
one or other of their daughters.
My dear Mr. Bennet, said his lady to him one day, have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.
But it is, returned she; for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it.
Mr. Bennet made no answer.
Do you not want to know who has taken it? cried his wife impatiently.
You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.
This was invitation enough.
Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune from
the north of England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much
delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take possession before Michaelmas, and
some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week.
What is his name?
Bingley.
Is he married or single?
Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing
for our girls!
How so? How can it affect them?
My dear Mr. Bennet, replied his wife, how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his
marrying one of them.
Is that his design in settling here?
Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of them, and
therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes.
I see no occasion for that. You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will
be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, Mr. Bingley may like you the best of the party.
My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be anything
extraordinary now. When a woman has five grown-up daughters, she ought to give over thinking of her own
beauty.
In such cases, a woman has not often much beauty to think of.
But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Mr. Bingley when he comes into the neighbourhood.
It is more than I engage for, I assure you.
But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Indeed you must
go, for it will be impossible for us to visit him if you do not.
You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr. Bingley will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines
by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his marrying whichever he chooses of the girls; though I must throw
in a good word for my little Lizzy.
I desire you will do no such thing. Lizzy is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so
handsome as Jane, nor half so good-humoured as Lydia. But you are always giving her the preference.
They have none of them much to recommend them, replied he; they are all silly and ignorant like other girls;
but Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.
Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no
compassion for my poor nerves.
You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you
mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least.
Ah, you do not know what I suffer.
But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young men of four thousand a year come into the
neighbourhood.
It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not visit them.
Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them all.
Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley (1918)
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away".

The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

The Devils Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1813)

You might also like