14

AN N O TAT E D S C R I PT

CANNIBAL!
The Musical

By Trey Parker

Adapted by Troy Heard

[This is the production script as revised prior to opening night. As with most
shows I direct, I did a great deal of homework beforehand so as to come into
the rehearsal prepared to answer a barrage of questions. But because of its
quirky style, Cannibal was a rather unique and insane experience. So to give
you a closer look into the work that went into this show I developed what is
probably the first theatrical “director’s commentary.” You’ll find these
sidebar notes written in bold throughout the script, in this very font. And as
stated before every DVD commentary, the opinions contained within do not
reflect those of the producer.]
 15

CHARACTERS

ALFERD PACKER, our hero

[Ted Evans, a baby-faced innocent – perfect in this role. Ted has this
perpetual “who, me?” look on his face, which is what Packer needed.]

JAMES HUMPHREY, a young braggart (Doubles as a CITIZEN)

[Kent Brickles, who worked extremely hard for this part. I had him in mind
for Humphrey, and he was extremely nervous when he came in to audition.
Had I not known him, I probably wouldn’t have given him a second look.
But I knew how bad he wanted it and gave him a second chance. It paid off.]

SHANNON BELL, an obsessive Mormon priest

[Nate Devoll, who I would never have thought of in this part. But I heard
through the grapevine this was who he wanted, and I took a risk, that, again,
paid off. He wound up getting selected as the fight captain.]

ISRAEL SWAN, an eternally optimistic, smiling bastard

(Doubles as a CITIZEN)
[Ryan Brown, a freshman. Like Swan, he’s an eternally optimistic, smiling
fellow…typecasting.]

FRANK MILLER, a butcher (Doubles as a CITIZEN)

[Mike Lippert, a scary looking Film/Video major and a very good sport.
Robyn actually considered him for Packer. But since he was willing to
perform the full nudity required on stage, he became Miller.]

GEORGE NOON, a 19-year-old virgin (Doubles as a

CITIZEN)
[Susanna Merrick, in the first gender-blind casting I did for this show. She
did a fantastic audition and was taken aback when I asked her to play a boy.
Once she got the walk down, however, she nailed it.]

POLLY PRY, a reporter

[Aurelia Riley, absolutely gorgeous and just as talented. She walked away
with the role at her audition. She later told me that she auditioned on the
spur of the moment, not knowing anything about this show. Plus, this was
her first lead at SCAD. She has great comic timing and a fearlessness that
reminds me of Cameron Diaz.]

WARREN MILLS, a sleazy prosecuting attorney (Doubles as

a MINER, INDIAN WARRIOR and CYCLOPS)
[Ralf Jean Pierre, someone I’d worked with before. With Ralf, the only
question was not whether to use him, but where to plug him into the show.
He’s a newcomer to the whole acting thing, but has a great comic sense.]
 16

FRENCHY CABAZON, a trapper (Doubles as a MINER)

[Becky White, another person I’d worked with often before. She’s extremely
talented, one of my favorite performers. But she said up front she wasn’t
interested in playing a romantic lead. This led to my idea of casting the
trappers as a trio of sexy biker chicks. And it worked.]

NUTTER and LOUTZENHEISER, his cronies (Doubles as

MINERS)
[Courtney Brinson and Sasha Travis. Courtney was another person who
auditioned off the cuff. But she did such a great audition I wanted to use her
somewhere. Casting women as trappers opened up the door for her. She’s
pretty, but can play goofy at the same time. I knew Sasha from working with
her during Little Voice. I only wish there could’ve been a bigger role for her,
but the S&M trapper seemed to make her happy.]

INDIAN CHIEF, who looks strangely Japanese (Doubles as

MINER)
[David Andrews, a very unique individual. From the beginning, I had
nobody else in mind for this role. Nobody came in during auditions that
could’ve played. And in the end, I don’t believe anyone would’ve argued that
he wasn’t perfect.]

FEMALE ENSEMBLE 1 – HUMPHREY’S MOTHER, JUDGE, CITIZEN

[Stephanie Selai, a freshman with plenty of stage presence.]

FEMALE ENSEMBLE 2 – HUMPHREY’S SISTER, SHOPKEEPER, SIGN

INTERPRETER, SHEEP, CHEERLEADER
[Brooke Slemmer, a freshman. Brooke has Saturday Night Live potential.
She’s great at deadpan humor.]

FEMALE ENSEMBLE 4 – CHINAMAN, MINER, EL GATO, INDIAN

SQUAW, BARTENDER, CITIZEN
[Kate Carson-Groner, one of my favorite performers in the Media and
Performing Arts Department. She brings a positive feeling to every project
she’s involved in.]

MALE ENSEMBLE 4 – NOON’S FATHER, INDIAN BRAVE, BOTH

SHERIFFS
[Kyle Strickland, another freshman, and a very hard worker.]

LIANNE, Packer’s horse, played by a bicycle with a

horse’s head
[Thanks to Cassie Westbrook, who loaned her beach bike, and to Jeff Fuell,
who sculpted a beautiful horse head.]
 17

SET

A unit set with levels and ramps. A jail cell to one

side, a rear projection screen to the other.

[We used the leftover deck from SCAD’s production of The Learned Ladies.
It had a central rake, which, when we first moved into the space, proved
tricky for the fights. But Lee Soroko, our fight director, came in and
everybody adjusted. I also recycled the backdrop from Baby with the
Bathwater, which consisted of arches upstage right and left. I replaced a
center door unit with a rear projection screen…in our case, an old piece of
muslin snagged from the scene shop spattered with red paint. I painted a
snow-capped mountain range with a bright blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds
– very South Park-esque, and general enough to accommodate the many
different settings. A small cell wall was the only piece built from scratch.]
 18

UNIT ONE – “PROLOGUE”

In which the stage is set for Packer’s bloodbath…

ACT ONE
(The house is plunged into black. An
orchestra is heard tuning up.)

NARRATOR (V/O)
The musical you are about to see was originally
produced in 1954. Upstaged by the overwhelming
popularity of “Oklahoma!” its short-lived theatre run
was cancelled, and “Cannibal! The Musical” soon fell
into obscurity. The original score, re-discovered just
last year, has been painstakingly restored using state-
of-the-art harmony enhancing and computer
reconstruction technology. The musical’s violent
scenes have been omitted for your viewing pleasure.

[The prerecorded voice-over was my cameo in the show, ala Hitchcock. I

remember doing several takes. Several were too British, some were too Irish.
I really wanted to go deadpan, similar to John Laroquette’s voice-over at the
beginning of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.]

(To a pre-recorded round of applause,

the ACCOMPANIST is escorted on by a
SECRET SERVICE AGENT.)

[The opening moments here always gave me problems. I think we would’ve

saved time having Robyn in place already, but my earliest memories of
musical theatre always involved bringing out the conductor for his bow.
Plus, it solved the problem of getting an actor in place in our entrance-less
down left area, as her escort. But once she was in place and the blood red
lights rose on the smoky stage, the audience was ready to groove.]

[MUSIC CUE 1: OVERTURE! (A)]

(LIGHTS RISE on the set. Dimly lit.)

PROJECTION: “DEEP IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS”

[This was the first of a series of projections created by Erin Staub. Some just
named the scene locations; others were scenic “illustrations.”]

(ISRAEL SWAN runs on in a panic. He

keeps looking behind him.)
 19

SWAN
Packer’s gone completely insane! He’s gonna kill us
all! I just have to calm down…don’t get excited…

(A noise comes from offstage.

[In the film, this sequence was done without dialogue. This wasn’t going to
work as well on stage, not having the cinematic tools of editing and close-ups
to build suspense. So I adapted, creating a classic horror movie moment of
the cat leaping at the victim before the killer appears. Kyle provided a
bizarre “raptor-esque” sound effect here from the “bushes.” It soon grew on
me and I justified it as homage to Jurassic Park. In a way, it told the
audience that this evening was going to be very off-kilter.]

He tiptoes over to check it out. With a

loud hiss, a CAT comes flying on. Swan
struggles with it and tosses it off.)

SWAN
Silly pussy.

(Swan turns around and comes face to

face with ALFERD PACKER, a hungry
bastard with a maniacal look in his
eyes.)

SWAN
Did you see that, Packer? It was only a pussycat.

(Swan does a double take and screams,

but before he can escape Packer SINKS
HIS TEETH INTO SWAN’S ARM AND RIPS IT
OFF! Swan hops around in pain.

[This being the first effect, I was dead set on having a couple of blood streams
shooting out. So what we did was a fake arm on a long sleeved shirt, rubber
hand and all. The sleeve was cut off and velcroed back on. Ryan wore a red
t-shirt underneath that had the bottom of a milk jug sewn over the shoulder
where the arm was to be attached. He had an IV bag strapped to his side,
and the tube ran up and around through holes in the milk jug base. Then the
rigged shirt was placed on over all this. Ted came in, struggled with the arm,
ripped it off, and Ryan would squeeze the IV bag with his free arm sending
streams of blood out onto the stage. However, the best part was we didn’t
need to use blood at all. Because the stage was washed in dark red lights and
fog, water worked just as fine, and was easy to clean up during the scene
change. Well, except for one performance…]
 20

GEORGE NOON runs on behind Packer, but

Packer tries to bludgeon him to death
with Swan’s dismembered arm. This
doesn’t work, so Packer leaps on him and
bites into his jugular.)

[Lee created a fantastic bit of staging here where Susie, as Noon, narrowly
avoided getting knocked on the head by Packer by diving down into a
forward roll. I can’t count the times that she went right down on her head.
Eventually it was changed to a shoulder roll, as to avoid any more
unnecessary head lumps.]

NOON
Holy cow! Jeepers!

(SHANNON WILSON BELL runs on from

another entrance and tries to tackle
Packer)

BELL
Damn you, Packer!

(But Packer gets the better of him and

RIPS HIS SKULL CAP OFF, REVEALING A
PULSING BRAIN.)

[Cheap bit of stage magic here. Nate wore a fitted skullcap, on which we
painted a brain. Then he had very ugly wig on top of that. Ted slipped his
fingers under the wig, showed a bit of struggle, and then peeled back the wig,
revealing the brain. Voila!]

BELL
Zowie!

(GEORGE HUMPHREY enters and tries to

sneak away, but Packer grabs him and
snaps his neck. POP POP POP!

[Of all the crazy effects, silly puppets, and inane dance numbers included in
Cannibal, the single most effective moment of the evening was achieved with
a concealed two-inch square piece of bubble wrap. It never failed to gross
out the audience.]

FRANK MILLER runs on with an axe. He

and Packer grapple over the weapon.
Packer bites Miller, tripping him up.
Packer grabs the axe and hoists it above
 21

his head with a scream. He’s about to

bring it down when EVERYBODY FREEZES.

UNIT TWO – “CLOSING REMARKS”

In which Mills accuses and Packer defends…

A spotlight picks up MILLS, the sleazy

prosecuting attorney, miming Packer
swinging the axe.)

MILLS
And then he cuts up the bodies.

ENSEMBLE
Oh, gross. Yuck.

MILLS
And when he finally arrives tired and beaten he says,
“Oh, I don’t know what happened to my companions. They
left me behind.” And everybody believes him, they feel
sorry for him, and they just let him go on to Saguache.
Now what would he have you believe? That under these
horrible conditions it was justified? No, gentlemen of
the jury, it is never justified to murder. Murder is
wrong. So, I ask you to come back with the verdict…to
hang this bastard for what he has done!!! The
prosecution rests.

(The Ensemble goes wild.)

PACKER
(Breaking freeze.)
But that’s not the way it happened!

[This line is Parker’s homage to the trial of Star Trek’s Captain James T.
Kirk.]

[MUSIC CUE 2: OVERTURE! (B)]

(Blackout. All exit, zombie-like.

Credit sequence on the projection screen
as the carnage is cleaned up.)

PROJECTION: TREY PARKER’S “CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL!”

PROJECTION: STARRING… (ETC.)

 22

PROJECTION: LAKE CITY, COLORADO 1883

[The opening credit sequence is one that I wish I could’ve spent more time
on. I felt it dragged the pace horribly. Cutting it wasn’t an option because
we needed the time to clean up the stage after the bloodbath, and for a few
costume changes. Plus, every classic musical has the grand overture. But
since we didn’t get the overhead projector until the last minute, we never had
a chance to finesse the credits. Kudos to Erin, however. Throwing up the
names of the cast gave the audience a chance to cheer on their favorites.

Going into the next scene, the street scene, I originally wanted the bird sound
effect from the Act One finale of SCAD’s production of The Grapes of Wrath.
I eventually gave up on locating that, thinking that the reference would be
too obscure. Ryan McCurdy, the sound designer, brought in a sound that put
the scene somewhere in the Amazon basin. Eventually, we got a decent, run-
of-the-mill sunny day bird sound. ]

UNIT THREE – “Mills the Mack Daddy”

In which Mills seduces and Polly dissuades…

(POLLY PRY, our heroine, enters, and

runs into Mills on the street.)

MILLS
Miss Pry, hello!

POLLY
Oh. Hello, Mr. Mills.

[Ralf and Aurelia had a bizarre chemistry. Aurelia is an attractive young

lady but offsets that with a left-field comic sense. We never got to the point
where Mills was lusting after her. Ralf played it a little too smooth and
collective. I personally think he was just intimidated by Aurelia.]

MILLS
You busy?

POLLY
I was gonna try to get an interview with Mr. Packer.

MILLS
Now how could you possibly want to spend your afternoon
with a beast like that when you could spend it with a
gentleman like myself, huh?

POLLY
 23

Believe me, I don’t relish the thought of having to

speak with him, or even be in the same room with him.
But it’s what I must do. I am a reporter.

[A female reporter in those days was rare, so her essential action was to “get
the story,” because that could make her career. Mills’ essential action was
simply to get laid.]

MILLS
Yes, and a most beautiful one at that. Can we meet for
dinner then?

POLLY
Ah, when I’m done here, I’ll be at the hotel.

MILLS
At the hotel.

POLLY
If I can get him talking soon enough.

MILLS
I’ll give you a hint. If you want to get him talking,
ask him about Lianne.

POLLY
Lianne?

MILLS
Trust me.
(He exits, doing a bootie dance.)
At the hotel!

[Ralf didn’t do the bootie dance. He clicked his teeth in a bizarrely obscene
gesture. There is no way of describing this.]

POLLY
(Sotto)
What an asshole.

UNIT FOUR – “Meet the Cannibal”

In which Polly flirts and Packer gives in…

(Polly enters the jail area. Packer is

revealed in the cell, nothing like the
frightening monster of the Prologue, but
rather cleaned up and humble.)
 24

[Sasha Travis, our lighting designer, had a beautiful shift here from the
exterior to the interior of the jail cell. She lit the cell with three lights,
managing to illuminate the performers and create an eerie atmosphere.
Packer glowed in backlight as he entered from up to downstage right.]

POLLY
Hello?

PACKER
(Startling Polly)
The sheriff’s gone.

POLLY
Good enough. I’m here to see you anyway. My name is
Polly Pry. I was wondering if I could ask you a few
questions about your story.

PACKER
My lawyer says I can’t talk to reporters.

[This is the only scene where I worked with Aurelia on Polly’s tactics. As
written, Polly Pry is a two-dimensional character whose romantic interest in
Packer comes out of nowhere. We justified that Packer’s innocence was so
completely charming in an “oh, shucks” sort of way that one couldn’t help
falling for him. Regardless, Aurelia’s use of physical gestures in this scene
was priceless, particularly when she threw herself against the wall in a
helpless damsel pose.]

POLLY
Yes, of course he did. That’s very smart of him. But
I’m not a reporter. I’m just a… Well, the truth is, I
saw you in the courtroom and I thought to myself, “How
could this handsome, intelligent man have ever done
what they say he did…”

PACKER
I didn’t.

POLLY
And then I thought about how lonely you must be, in
this dark, nasty cell all cooped up.

PACKER
 25

Hey, you really think so? This is the nicest place

I’ve lived in a really long time.

POLLY
With no one to talk to at all. And then I realized how
badly you must need someone to just listen.

PACKER
I do?

POLLY
Uh-huh. And then I thought maybe I should come down
here and give you some company.
(Polly leans in close; the following
exchange is very intimate.)
Maybe, maybe tell you some secrets. And you can tell
me secrets.

PACKER
Okay.

POLLY
So, what exactly happened during your trip to
Breckenridge?

PACKER
I can’t talk about that.

POLLY
(Shot down)
Okay, let’s talk about something else. Oh, I know.
Why don’t you tell me about Lianne?

PACKER
(Leaping up)
You know her?

POLLY
Yes. Yes! I know her well. I wanted to find out a
little bit more about you two. Was she with you on
your trip?

PACKER
I don’t know, my lawyer’s supposed to come back any
minute and he gets really angry-
 26

POLLY
Certainly your lawyer wouldn’t mind you talking just a
little bit about Lianne. Especially to someone who’s
just a simple townsfolk.

PACKER
I guess he wouldn’t.

POLLY
So, what was she like?

PACKER
She was beautiful. She had long, dark shiny hair. And
almond eyes. And little pointy ears. And a big,
fluffy tail. And she was fast, like this – pow!

UNIT FIVE – “SHPADOINKLE!”

In which Packer rejoices…

[MUSIC CUE 3: SHPADOINKLE!]

PROJECTION: BINGHAM MINE, UTAH 1873

(The CHINAMAN runs in with LIANNE, for

our purposes, a bicycle with a horse
head and tail. He passes Lianne off to
Packer.)

[The bicycle Lianne was a “borrowed” idea from the Dad’s Garage
production. Jeff Fuell, an Industrial Design major, sculpted a beautiful
horse’s head out of foam, which was mounted onto the handlebars of bicycle.
I have read of another production that used an actor in a horse costume, but
there’s something about Ted riding the bike down the rake that just couldn’t
be matched. Every night I had the terrifying vision of Ted not braking and
winding up in the lap of a front-row audience member.]

PACKER
Thank you.

CHINAMAN
You’re welcome!

[The “chinaman” was a random bit that was cut. Kate C-G simply rolled out
the bike and passed it to Ted, with the above dialogue. I think Kate was on
and off the stage about ten times in five minutes during the opening
moments.]
 27

PACKER
THE SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN
THE SUN’S AS WARM AS A BAKED POTATO
I THINK I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT I MEAN
WHEN I SAY IT’S A SHPADOINKLE DAY

[This marks the first appearance of “shpadoinkle.” In his DVD commentary,

Parker explains that “shpadoinkle” is a word used when no other word can
describe the most exhilarating feeling of joy. The opening notes of this song
appear at the end of almost every episode of South Park when the Braniff
logo appears. It’s also at the beginning of “Quiet Mountain Town” in the
film South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut.

Because this song is a spoof of “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’” in Oklahoma,

we paid homage to the opening of the movie where Curley rides past the
cornstalks on his horse. In ours, Packer hopped on the bike and rode it to
the edge of the stage – quite a scary feat on a raked stage.]

AND AS I RIDE WITH MY GIRL

SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
WE’LL MOVE ALONG, SET OUR GOALS HIGH
WITH EYES FULL OF HOPE AS WE AIM FOR THE…

SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN

(Ensemble enter juggling tree branches
and potatoes)
MY HEART’S AS FULL AS A BAKED POTATO
I THINK I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT I MEAN
WHEN I SAY IT’S A SHPADOINKLE DAY!
WHEN I SAY IT’S A HAPPY-GO-MOINKALY LUCKY
SHPADOINKLELY…
DAYYYYYY!

UNIT SIX – “THE HAPPY BASTARD”

In which Swan is introduced and Packer joins up…

(Packer parks Lianne off to the side.

Swan enters; grin eternally plastered on
his face.)

SWAN
Hey! Mornin’, Alf!

PACKER
Mornin’, Swan. Find any gold yet?
 28

SWAN
Not in this gosh darn canyon. That’s why a group of us
are going to Breckenridge today.

PACKER
Breckenridge? In Colorado territory?

SWAN
That’s the place. Say, you oughta come with us. The
more the merrier.

PACKER
Shucks. I’d love to go back to Colorado territory.

SWAN
I didn’t know you were from Colorado territory.

[We joked that a Cannibal drinking game could be created by doing a shot
every time somebody said “Colorado territory.”]

PACKER
Yeah, I worked in Georgetown for a while before I came
here.

SWAN
Ah.

PACKER
Say, who’s guiding you there?

SWAN
Lucky Larry. He’s from Denver.

PACKER
You think maybe I could just talk to Lucky Larry?

SWAN
Sure, I’m going to meet a group of them now.

PACKER
Swell!

UNIT SEVEN – “HEADED EAST”

In which the miners band together…
 29

(Bell enters preaching from the Book of

Mormon. A group of Ensemble miners
gather around listening skeptically)

[Parker makes frequent references to Mormons in his work. His film

Orgazmo features the first Mormon porno super hero.]

BELL
Let’s not forget the story from the Book of Mormon
where Brigham Young planted many cornfields. And then
locusts came and began to eat his crops. And then the
Lord sent down a flock of seagulls…

[I think maybe one person throughout the entire rehearsal period and
performances ever picked up on this cheap 1980s prog rock reference.]

(A SMOKING CORPSE is carried across by

Ensemble)

[I threw this prop together with about twelve bucks, wig form, some thrift
store clothes, and black spray paint.]

SWAN
My goodness, what is that.

ENSEMBLE
Lucky Larry. He was struck down by lightning last
night.

[Kate C-G again, carrying that cheaply made dummy with a heavily
disguised David Andrews.]

PACKER
Gosh, is he going to be okay?
(Others stare at Packer)
What?

BELL
Now we can’t let ourselves get discouraged. They say
there’s enough gold in Breckenridge to build walls out
of. The Lord works in mysterious ways and I think this
is a test of our will. My fellow Mormons know what I’m
talking about. Trials and tribulations, that’s what
life’s all about! Now are we gonna let this one little
thing keep us from fulfilling our dreams?!

MINERS
 30

Yes!

BELL
Oh, come on now. We’ve gotta be strong, don’t we?

MINERS
No!

BELL
But I’m telling you, we can still make it.

MILLER
Our guide is dead!

BELL
Well there’s gotta be someone from around here who
knows that territory a bit. Anybody?

SWAN
(to Packer)
Hey, didn’t you say you’re from Colorado territory?

PACKER
I just worked there for a little while.

SWAN
Hey, this guy’s from Colorado territory!

BELL
Wonderful! What’s your name, sir?

PACKER
I’m Alferd Packer; this is my horse, Lianne.

[This one line started the whole Cannibal phenomena. Trey wanted to say
this in response to his cheating fiancée, because “everybody rides a horse.”
Now, in the horse, Lianne farts when she’s introduced. I thought that was
just tasteless, so I cut it. Besides, I couldn’t figure out how to do the effect
live on stage.]

BELL
There, you see?

MILLER
Don’t be stupid. Let’s go back to mining here.

BELL
 31

But there’s no gold here. When’s the last time anybody

made a strike?

(Noon runs on with his Father right

behind.)

NOON
I’ll go.

NOON’S FATHER
No, come on, son. We’ll head out in the spring.

NOON
But, dad, if we wait until spring all the gold will be
gone. I need to go out now!

NOON’S FATHER
No, it’s too dangerous. What if you get lost or run
out of food?

NOON
Dad, I can’t be your little boy forever. Don’t you
understand?

NOON’S FATHER
No, I don’t understand. Ah, go ahead; break your
mother’s heart.

NOON
I’m in.

[In the film, avant-garde filmmaker Stan Brakhage played Noon’s father.
Also, the film had all the miners present during Bell’s lecture. I took this
opportunity to give each of the miners their own “entrance.”]

BELL
There, you see? Don’t you all feel a little bit
ashamed? This nice, young, brave-

MILLER
Stupid.

(The Miners laugh.)

BELL
Go on and laugh.
 32

(Humphrey is dragged on by his Mother and

Sister.)

[Stefani Selai played Humphrey’s mom as a refugee from Fiddler on the Roof.
Brooke played the sister as a snot-nosed brat.]

HUMPHREY’S MOTHER
Son, why don’t you go?

HUMPHREY
Huh?

HUMPHREY’S MOTHER
You’ve always said you wanted to get out of Utah.

HUMPHREY
No, I didn’t!

HUMPHREY’S MOTHER
Yes, you did. I distinctly remember you saying you
wanted to get our of Utah and go east.

HUMPHREY
No, I didn’t!

HUMPHREY’S MOTHER
Son, don’t argue with me. If you go to Breckenridge
now, you can stake a claim and me and your sister can
come out in spring. Son, don’t argue with me.
(To Bell)
He’s in.

BELL
Wonderful! That makes five.

MILLER
Good luck. You’ll need it.

(The Ensemble laughs and split up)

UNIT EIGHT – “SHPADOINKLE (REPRISE)”

In which Bell peps up the team and Miller joins in…

NOON
Say, when do we leave?

SWAN
 33

The sooner the better, I say.

BELL
Well, let’s ask our new guide. Mr. Packer?

PACKER
I guess I’m ready whenever you guys are.

BELL
Well, then, let’s get packing!

PACKER
What?

[MUSIC CUE 4: SHPADOINKLE! (REPRISE)]

BELL
IT’S A LONG, LONG WAY FOR US TO GO
BUT IF WE DON’T TRY WE’LL NEVER KNOW
STAY OPTIMISTIC, SET OUR GOALS HIGH
THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN’T DO IF WE AIM FOR
THE…

[This was Nate’s first singing solo, and as I recapped in the journal he had
some trouble with it. In musicals, you have to tell the story, so I related it to
him in acting terms and did a boost of confidence. When he threw caution to
the wind and just did it, he was great – although he never believed me when I
told him.]

MINERS
SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN
THE AIR’S AS PURE AS A BAKED POTATO
WE THINK WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE MEAN
WHEN WE SAY IT’S A SHPADOINKLE DAY.
WHEN WE SAY IT’S A SHPADOINKLE DAY!

[In homage to the old Broadway tradition of reprising a song over and over
again, this is the first of two reprises of “Shpadoinkle.” Jill created
wonderfully disgusting choreography for this number where Bell winds up
being wheeled across the stage in the wheelbarrow. It ends with all the
miners gathered around, arms out in a traditional “end of song” pose.]

MILLER
Hey, how long’s it gonna take?

PACKER
 34

(from his position at the end of

“Shpadoinkle!”)
Oh, not more than like three weeks at the most.

MILLER
All right. I’m in.

[Miller stuck his hand out at the end here to complete the “final pose.” It
always got a laugh. The audience didn’t have a chance for applause,
however, because we went right into the next number, “Don’t Be Stupid.”
“Stupid” was cut from the film, so we were lucky to get a copy of the music.
Although it’s rather brief, I did want another song in the show and this was a
chance for the ensemble to have focus early on.

Now in terms of character motivation, we could never figure out a good

reason for Miller to join the miners after being so adamant against going in
the first place. We finally decided that nobody could resist the power of a
musical number.]

(Our faithful crew head out. Blackout.)

UNIT NINE – “DON’T BE STUPID”

In which the Ensemble warn the miners of the danger
ahead…

[MUSIC CUE 5: DON’T BE STUPID!]

ENSEMBLE
DON’T BE STUPID! WAIT UNTIL SPRING!
THE MOUNTAINS IN THE WINTER
ARE A TREACHEROUS THING!
JUST LOOK AT THESE FOOLS,
THEY THINK THEY CAN MAKE IT!
IT’LL BE TWENTY BELOW,
AND THEY SAY THEY CAN TAKE IT!
WHAT A BUNCH OF STUPID MOTHER…

[The music for this song has them singing “fuckers” in beautiful harmony. I
thought it was funnier to plunge them into black before they hit that lyric.

The lights on this next scene rose to reveal the group in a tableau, their
positions commenting on their current predicament. The tableau idea was a
last minute addition, added the night before opening.]
 35

UNIT TEN – “MY FIRST BAD FEELING”

In which El Gato presents an omen…

PACKER
And so Lianne and I headed east with the other miners,
thinking it would be a nice happy trip. And four weeks
later, we were just outside of Provo.

(Our faithful crew heads back on.)

MILLER
Three weeks my ass, Packer!

PACKER
That’s when I got my first bad feeling.

NOON
Geez, sure is a lot of walking. I swear my legs are
killing me. How much farther to Provo?

PACKER
We’ve got to be really close now.

BELL
And then from Provo, how far to Breckenridge?

PACKER
See, I always have Lianne with me when I go out, so I
don’t know how long it’s gonna take us on foot.

HUMPHREY
Gosh, I sure wish I had a horse. How much did you pay
for yours, Packer?

PACKER
I didn’t. She’s been mine since I was little.

BELL
Well, she certainly is a Shpadoinkle horse.

(EL GATO, an insane puppet, appears.)

[This was the first of two brilliant props designed and built by MPRA
graduate student Noah Harrell. El Gato was based on Itchy the Cat from
The Simpsons. When I first saw the infrastructure, it looked a nice,
reasonable size. Then Noah went crazy and built layer upon layer until the
final piece was a monstrous cat with crazy eyes and floppy arms. It was
 36

amazing construction and loomed over its operator, Kate Carson-Groner.

The cat was justified because there was a black cat that made random
appearances throughout the movie as an omen. So I figured, why not
combine the two and have the symbolic omen play the soothsayer role? The
role is homage to Crazy Ralph from the Friday the 13th film series.

Kate did the pre-recorded voice, with me filling in the psychotic laugh.]

PACKER
(To El Gato)
Oh, um…hello! Could you tell us how much further it is
to Provo?

BELL
We have to get some supplies for our big trip into the
Rocky Mountains.

EL GATO
You’ll never come back again. It’s got a curse on it.

HUMPHREY
Provo?

EL GATO
The Rocky Mountains. I gotta warn you. You’re doomed,
doomed, doomed! You’re doomed, doomed! Turn back
while you still can. You’re doomed! You’re all
doomed!

(El Gato disappears.)

MINERS
Thank you.

UNIT ELEVEN – “THE STORE”

In which the Miners realize Packer’s the wrong guide
for them..

PROJECTION: A GENERAL STORE IN PROVO (FINALLY)

(A SHOPKEEPER appears with a crate of

goods. She kicks back reading a
tabloid.)

[Brooke played the shopkeeper. She’s so wonderfully deadpan that at first I

didn’t think she got the joke. But then the joke was on me…she got it. She
 37

was reading a National Enquirer during this scene, and the fudge is the
beginning of a very long set-up.]

BELL
Howdy.

SHOPKEEPER
Howdy.

NOON
Howdy.

SHOPKEEPER
Howdy.

SWAN
How do you do?

SHOPKEEPER
Howdy.

MILLER
Howdy.

SHOPKEEPER
How do you do?

HUMPHREY
Howdy.

SHOPKEEPER
Howdy.

PACKER
How do you do?

SHOPKEEPER
Howdy.

PACKER
Hey, they’ve got maps to Colorado territory.

[Katrina Rice designed the map, along with several other period props.]

MILLER
Jesus, now he needs a fucking map!
 38

BELL
Miller, if you don’t want to go, don’t go. But if you
can’t get along with the others, I’m gonna have to put
you in time out.

[This is the beginning of another long joke set-up. Comedy works in threes.]

MILLER
In what?

BELL
Anyone who can’t get along with the others has to sit
twenty feet away by themselves for an hour.

SWAN
That’s a good idea. It gives you a chance to cool down
when things get steamed up.

BELL
Exactly.

MILLER
You’ve gotta be kidding me.

HUMPHREY
You guys! They have fudge here!

[There goes that set-up.]

NOON
What about blankets? Shouldn’t we get more?

BELL
That’s a good idea. Let’s just do this as quickly as
possible. I think we’re already running a little
behind schedule.

MILLER
What schedule?

UNIT TWELVE – “ARABIAN’S A TRAPPER HORSE”

In which the Trappers flex their muscles and a rivalry
is set…

(Packer sees FRENCHY, NUTTER and

LOUTZENHESIER, three bad ass Trappers,
outside petting Lianne)
 39

[One of my favorite films is Russ Meyer’s Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! It’s
about a trio of tough go-go dancers who rough up a bizarre family of men
who hold them hostage. Knowing that we were inevitably going to work
together, Becky White said she was tired of playing the ingénue roles. So
when we watched Faster Pussycat together, a collective light bulb went off
over our heads. I began working on how I was going to justify the trappers
as women. However, the lyrics in their song refer to them as trapping MEN.
I just sucked it up and played it without apologies. I think it worked.

Again, they are poorly written characters, so we developed individual

personalities for the trappers. Frenchy, the leader, was the toughest one.
Loutzenheiser was small, but deadly, and attired in S&M gear. Nutter was
nuts – pretty, but dumb as a rock.]

BELL
Do we have a schedule, Mr. Packer?

(Packer runs to Lianne. The Shopkeeper

disappears with her crate of goods.)

SWAN
Mr. Packer?

FRENCHY
Is this your horse?

PACKER
Yep.

FRENCHY
Purty.

PACKER
(Grabs Frenchy’s hand from Lianne and
shakes it.)
I’m Alferd Packer.

FRENCHY
Frenchy Cabazon.

PACKER
Oh, you’re French.

FRENCHY
No.
 40

PACKER
Oh.

FRENCHY
We’re just stopping through your quaint little town
here on the way to Colorado territory.

PACKER
Oh, I’m not from here. In fact, I’m leading a party to
Colorado territory myself.

NUTTER
Whereabouts?

PACKER
Breckenridge

FRENCHY
Is that near Saguache?

PACKER
Saguache is… Um, yeah, it’s, uh…near Saguache.

[Ted’s awkwardness as Packer trying to appear smart was great.]

(The other Miners gather around Packer…

Sharks vs. Jets.)

FRENCHY
Say, you gents wanna trade some furs for the trip?
(She pulls a bloody pelt from her
pouch.)
We’ve got rabbits and beavers.

[I told Becky not to throw away the “beaver” part. She delivered it straight
to Nate, who could never keep a straight face.]

SWAN
How horrible!

HUMPHREY
Where’d you guys get all those little dead animals?

LOUTZENHEISER
We’re trappers, stupid!
 41

PACKER
Poor little bunny rabbits?

FRENCHY
Figured you were all trappers, too.
(Re. Lianne)
She’s an Arabian, ain’t she?

PACKER
Yeah.

FRENCHY
Arabians are trapper horses.

[Robyn slapped a vibraslap at this point, to make the rattlesnake warning

sound alerting the audience…trouble is nigh.]

LOUTZENHEISER
You ain’t trappers

MILLER
No, we’re miners.

NUTTER
You’re diggers.

LOUTZENHEISER
Trapper horse ain’t supposed to be with no digger.

HUMPHREY
(Attempted sarcasm, re. Nutter’s
Coonskin Cap)
Nice hat.

[Completely random attempt at an insult. In the film, it referred to a skunk

hat. In ours, it was about Loutzenheiser’s leather biker cap. Additionally,
we had them turn on the miners in retaliation.]

FRENCHY
Oh boy, a bunch of diggers tracing through the Rockies
in the middle of winter. That’s rich.

NUTTER
I’ll say.
 42

FRENCHY
Don’t you boys know how scary the mountains are? What
are you gonna do if you run into some Injuns? Or the
Cyclops?

HUMPHREY
There’s no Cyclops in the Rocky Mountains. Is there,
you guys?

BELL
We’re not afraid of anything. We have Jesus on our
side.

[Nate, smugly wielding his trusty Book of Mormon, always got a laugh]

FRENCHY
Oh well, if you’re not scared or anything. AAAAGH!
(He fakes out Packer, who screams and
falls.)
Have a nice trip, boys.

(The Trappers exit. Bell helps Packer

up.)

BELL
Goodbye.

SWAN
So, who’s cooking dinner tonight?

HUMPHREY
I’ll cook. I’m a great cook

MILLER
Humphrey, everyone knows you’re a chronic liar.

HUMPHREY
But I can! I’m a super cook!

UNIT THIRTEEN – “A HORSE IS A HORSE”

In which Packer begins to doubt Lianne…

[MUSIC CUE 6: SCENE SHIFT!!!]

[This scene shift was handled as efficiently as possible, but as always the
advantage film has over theatre is the tool of editing.
 43

In the beginning I wanted an electric light-up campfire. I finally threw

together a two-dimension cartoon cutout that effective and aesthetically
pleasing. Also, the “green crap” was colored oatmeal.

As an homage within homage, Nate, as Bell, was reading The Odyssey, which
we lifted from the movie. This was such a subtle reference to the other
Odyssey references such as the Indians-as-Sirens and, of course, the
Cyclops.]

(The scene SHIFTS to a campsite. The

Miners are watching Humphrey cook some
nasty green crap over a fake campfire.)

MILLER
You son of a bitch, Humphrey!

HUMPHREY
Oh, come on. You haven’t even tried it yet!

(Miller tries some of the crap.)

MILLER
You son of a bitch, Humphrey.
SWAN
(Scarfing down the crap.)
Mmmm, this stuff is great! Can I have some more of the
yellow stuff?

[The eternally optimistic Swan wasn’t a far stretch for Ryan Brown to play.]

PACKER
(Grooming Lianne)
Hey, do you guys think it’s true that she’s a trapper
horse?

BELL
Ohhh, a horse is a horse.

HUMPHREY
Of course.

PACKER
Of course. But I don’t ever think Arabians are trapper
horses, are they?
 44

[The “horse is a horse” is, of course, a reference to the old television show
Mr. Ed. Many more people got this joke than I had imagined would. I
suppose TV Land is good for something, after all.]

SWAN
What matters, Mr. Packer, is that you’re good to that
horse. Trappers never are.

BELL
He’s right.

MILLER
Man, you guys make me sick. What is this, a feel-good
convention?

BELL
Now, listen, we’ve got a long journey ahead of us.
It’s important that we all get along. Now, you’re
hurting peoples feelings. You’re gonna have to find a
more constructive way to express your anger.

MILLER
Okay, well, fuck you! How’s that for constructive?

[This is probably my favorite line in the entire script. I have no idea why, but
it seems to sum up the sophomoric attitude of the show. Of course, a bunch
of miners hiking through the Rocky Mountains in the 1870s probably
weren’t discussing “feel-good conventions” and social sensitivity. With
dialogue like this, all rules were out the window.]

BELL
That’s great. Now go to time out, mister.

[This was funny, but in the grand theory of comedy, it was only the second
step in a comic triad.]

SWAN
We warned you.

MILLER
God, you guys are weird.

(Miller walks fifteen feet away.)

BELL
Uh-uh-uh! Twenty feet away.
 45

BELL (CONT.)
(Miller walks five more feet and plops
down.)
Turn around. You know the rules.
(Miller turns away)

UNIT FOURTEEN – “NOON IS HORNY”

In which Noon pleads for sex…

[Getting Susie into the mindset of a horny teenaged boy was one of my
challenges. No amount of explaining the psychology ever worked.
Eventually I told her that she has a carrot and two potatoes dangling
uncomfortably between her legs, and the only way she’d be able to get rid of
them is to have sex. Somehow, this analogy worked.]

NOON
Man, I can’t wait to get to Breckenridge and see all
those pretty women.

SWAN
That’s really all you care about, isn’t it!

NOON
I mean, I’ve been hiking around with my dad for ages.
It’s like the only people we see are guys. I think the
only time I’ve actually seen a woman was in Salt Lake
City. And all the women there are so…

HUMPHREY
Mormon.

NOON
I’m nineteen now, you know. I mean I just wanna get in
there and see what it feels like to…you know.

PACKER
What?

BELL
Well, young man, if there’s half as much gold in those
hills as people say, you’ll be rich, and you won’t have
any problem finding, uhhh…that.

PACKER
What?…What?
 46

UNIT FIFTEEN – “ALL I’M ASKING FOR”

In which the Miners plead for their dreams to come
true…

[MUSIC CUE 7: THAT’S ALL I’M ASKING FOR!]

NOON
I KNOW THAT THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN WOMEN
I JUST CAN’T SEEM TO
FIGURE OUT WHAT ELSE THERE IS
I DON’T NEED IT EVERY NIGHT,
EVERY MORNING WOULD BE JUST FINE
A LITTLE SEX, THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR
THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR!

MINERS
THAT’S ALL HE’S ASKIN’ FOR!

NOON
SOMETHING I CAN TEST,
A GAL WOULD SUIT ME BEST
I GOT A THING TO USE,
I KNOW WHAT TO USE IT FOR
A GIRL I CAN LOVE AND KISS AND HOLD AND FU-
(Bell slaps his hand over Noon’s mouth
in time)
THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR!

BELL
NOW I DON’T WANNA BE RICH
FOR THE SAKE OF WOMEN
I WANNA BE RICH FOR THE SAKE OF OUR LORD
ENOUGH TO BUILD A CHURCH
WHERE EVERYONE CAN COME
ENOUGH FOR THE LORD
THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR
THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR

MINERS
THAT’S ALL HE’S ASKIN’ FOR

HUMPHREY
IT AIN’T A LOT TO ASK
I’M SURE WE’LL GET IT FAST
A FRIEND OF MINE WAS MINING
AND HE MADE A LOT OF CASH
 47

HE MADE A GAZILLION DOLLARS, HOW IS THAT?

THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR!

MILLER
He did not make a gazillion dollars!

HUMPHREY
You wanna ask him? I’ll tell you where he lives!

MINERS
THAT’S ALL HE’S ASKIN’ FOR

HUMPHREY
THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR

SWAN
WE TIRED OF BEING SICK
WE’RE SICK OF BEING POOR
WE’VE HAD A LITTLE LUCK
NOW WE WANT A LITTLE MORE

MINERS
ENOUGH SO WE’D NEVER DO ANYTHING ANYMORE
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKIN’ FOR

SWAN
Hey, what about you, Mr. Miller? What are you askin’
for?

MILLER
No, no. I don’t sing.

BELL
Aw, come on. If you can talk, you can sing.

MILLER
I just wanna make enough so I can open up a shop of my
own and go on with my family trade.

BELL
Well, there, that’s great! What is it you do?

MILLER
I’m a butcher.

NOON
You’re a butcher?!
 48

MILLER
Yeah.

[Fun moment here. I wanted to implicate Miller as the real cannibal in

Packer’s version of the story.]

(The other miners edge their way away

from Miller.)

PACKER
I’VE NEVER HAD MUCH
IN THE WAY OF FRIENDS OR FAM’LY
MY HORSE IS THE ONLY PAL I’VE EVER KNOWN
I’D LIKE TO BUILD A RANCH
IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN AIR
A HOME FOR US, THAT’S ALL I’M ASKIN’ FOR!

MINERS
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKIN’ FOR!
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKIN’ FOR!
WE’RE TIRED OF BEING SICK,
WE’RE SICK OF BEING POOR
WE’VE HAD A LITTLE LUCK,
NOW WE WANT A LITTLE MORE

NOON
A GIRL I CAN LOVE!

BELL
A CHURCH!

PACKER
A RANCH!

MILLER
A…STORE.

MINERS
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKIN’…
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKIN…
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKIN’ FOR!

(All laugh.)

[Guys singing and dancing. That’s always pretty damn funny. They fell into
a huge “cuddle puddle” at the end of the number. Knee slapping galore. It
was so syrupy sappy, you could puke.]
 49

SWAN
Shpadoinkle!

(More laughter!)

PACKER
You know, the thing I think I want more than anything
is just to go south to Saguache and find those
Trappers, and go right up to them and go, “Ha! We made
it!”

[Time for the buzz kill…]

(El Gato reappears.)

EL GATO
You’re doomed! You’re all doomed!

(El Gato re-disappears.)

PACKER
Heh. Yeah.

(Blackout.)

UNIT SIXTEEN – “LIANNE…MISSING!”

In which Packer begins the search for his lost love…

PROJECTION: THE NEXT MORNING

(Rooster sound.

[Kate provided the prerecorded rooster sound. Our little homage to our
production of Cyrano in which she did the same live.]

Lights rise. Lianne is GONE!!!)

PACKER
Here girl! Lianne!

HUMPHREY
(Asleep)
Coming, mom!

PACKER
I don’t know where she could be.
 50

NOON
You had her tied up, didn’t you?

PACKER
No, I never do. Lianne!

HUMPHREY
(Still asleep)
This is my house!

[Parker has never explained Humphrey’s outbursts. We’re assuming that

this is the phenomenon that occurs whenever an adolescent male, in the
liminal state of R.E.M., is given a wake-up call for school.]

BELL
What’s going on here?

NOON
Packer’s horse left.

MILLER
What?! Our food was on that horse!

HUMPHREY
Shut up, you guys! I’m tired.

PACKER
She’ll be back. She probably just went ahead to find
some water or something. Lianne! Here, girl!

BELL
Hey, c’mon, Packer. We should get going.

PACKER
Well, I can’t go now. I’ve got to find her.

MILLER
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look, asshole, you said you’d take
us to Breckinridge. You’re not gonna leave us here to
find it ourselves.

PACKER
Well, I’m not gonna leave here without her.
 51

MILLER
(Pulling out his gun)
Well, I say you are.

[Nate’s brilliant ad lib: he steps between Miller and Packer with a raised
finger and mouths, “Time out.” In terms of dramatic action, the stakes are
now raised, and the gun has been introduced.]

BELL
(Pushing down the gun)
We’ve got to keep moving, Packer. Especially now that
we’ve lost all our food. We have to get to the next
town as soon as possible.

NOON
Hey, Packer, looks like her trails lead off that way.
Maybe she’s in front of us.

PACKER
Maybe.

(The lights to half, the gang follows

ahead.)

UNIT SEVENTEEN – “THE BEAR TRAP”

In which Bell’s dire fate is set…

PACKER
Lianne’s tracks headed east, and so I kept following
them. The men didn’t care as long as we were still
aiming for Breckenridge. And then something happened
that changed everything.

(Lights return. A bear trap is set.)

[It seemed proper that the S&M loving Loutzenheiser should set the bear
trap.]

PACKER
Here, girl!

HUMPHREY
How far to Colorado territory?

[Slam back another shot.]

 52

PACKER
I don’t know. We’ve got to be pretty close. Lianne!
(He tries a two-fingered whistle and
fails.)
Here, girl! She’s lost.

MILLER
She’s not lost. She just took off.

PACKER
She didn’t just take off. We’re friends, and friends
don’t just take off.

HUMPHREY
Watch out for that bear trap.

BELL
What?
(Bell steps into a bear trap. SNAP!)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shpadoinkle!!!

[We didn’t get this crucial prop until the night before the preview. When it
finally came in, I was relieved. Built by Dana Hunt, it was this bizarre
looking, monstrous contraption that worked on a simple mechanism. Nate
steps on a central support stick that falls off, allowing the two spring-loaded
halves to snap up. Simple, but effective.]

MILLER
Get it open!

(The Miners try to pull the trap off.)

HUMPHREY
You guys are doing it wrong. You do it like this.
(Humphrey manages to open the trap, but
it SNAPS SHUT AGAIN! Bell screams.)
Whoops! Okay.
(Humphrey opens it again, and it SNAPS
SHUT AGAIN!)

PACKER
Here, let me try.
(Packer successfully removes the bear
trap.)
Hey, I did it!
 53

BELL
Who the heck put a bear trap here?

MILLER
It’s not that bad, is it?

BELL
I don’t know. Let me see.

(Bell kicks Humphrey in the ass with the

bad leg.)

HUMPHREY
Ow!

BELL
Yeah, it’s fine.

[Cheap joke – swift kick to the rear, followed by Kent rubbing his sore butt.]

UNIT EIGHTEEN – “THE RIVER”

In which the Miners forge on, and lose their direction…

(The Ensemble enters with a long piece

of blue fabric. They do that old
“river” theatre trick by pulling the
sheet and waving it.)

HUMPHREY
Hey, look you guys, the Green River.

[This actually worked. The two girls entering with the cloth, combined with
Kent’s “how ridiculous is this” delivery, gave us the laugh. However, I never
stopping thinking of a way to split the stage in half.]

(Bell washes off his leg in the river.)

BELL
Boy, I’m not having much luck on this trip, am I?

SWAN
Ah, look on the bright side. At least you didn’t get
your head caught in that thing.

NOON
How the hell are we supposed to cross this?
 54

PACKER
Wait, there’s supposed to be a bridge. We must be too
far north. Or too far south.

MILLER
Some guide.

HUMPHREY
Okay, we take our wheelbarrow, build it into a little
boat, and then ride it across, and then build it back
into a wheelbarrow again!

NOON
Talk about a waste of time. Don’t be such a horse’s
as. Sorry, Packer. How deep do you think it is?
(Packer picks up a rock and tosses it in
the river. It bounces off one of the
Ensemble member’s heads.)

ENSEMBLE
(Deadpan)
Ow.

MILLER
What the hell is that supposed to prove?

PACKER
Well…um…I don’t know.

BELL
Let’s just see what we can carry.

(They hoist their bags over their head.)

NOON
You really think we can make it?

SWAN
Sure, just as long as we all go at once. That way if
one of us starts shooting downstream, we’ll all be
there to catch him.

[Ralf actually pointed out this joke to me. Swan says all this, but he
ultimately jumps the gun and leaps into the river before anyone else.]

NOON
Downstream?
 55

MILLER
Nobody’s going downstream.

HUMPHREY
This is gonna suck.

BELL
Okay. On three. One. Two.
(Swan runs into the water.)
Three!

(Everyone else runs in. Strobe effect.

They wash offstage.)

[This became the much contested underwater ballet. Meghan absolutely

hated this. This moment began with the audience getting sprayed
by ensemble members wielding water guns. Then the stage was
washed in blue light. Miller made a quick dash out for a costume
change. Ryan was swept off, striking the wheelbarrow.
Humphrey and Bell had a sweet moment together as they danced
off…until the undertow split them apart. Finally, Packer drifted
off, mouthing “Lianne.” All the while, Robyn was underscoring
with the love theme from Titanic. In the end, however, the
audience loved it.]

UNIT NINETEEN – “CAMPFIRE LOVE”

In which the Miners bond together for warmth…

(The Miners enter, wet.)

NOON
I can’t feel my balls!

[There was something odd about hearing this little girl’s voice saying this
line. But, it’s was this reading in callbacks that won her the part.]

BELL
Hey, Packer, any more big rivers between here and
Breckenridge?

[Nate held the key to this set-up, yet throughout the rehearsal he kept saying,
“between here and the Colorado.” Of course, it ruined the joke. He finally
hit it during the performances.]

PACKER
 56

No. Just the Colorado.

NOON
You guys! I can’t feel my balls!

SWAN
We better set up camp quick and get out of these
clothes. Otherwise, we’ll get sick with hypothermia or
something awful.

BELL
He’s right. We gotta get some body heat going.

(They begin slipping into sleeping bags.

The campfire slides back on.)

NOON
Yeah. I’m starting to feel them again. That scared
the shit out of me.

HUMPHREY
Oh gosh, I never thought I’d be sleeping next to a
naked man on this trip.

NOON
Just do what I’m doing. Just pretend like you’re
laying next to a nice, soft woman.

MILLER
What?!

NOON
I’m just imagining old Mr. Miller here as a nice, tall
blonde.

MILLER
Aww, goddamnit! I want a different partner!

[Miller ran off the stage, completely naked, revealing his butt to the
audience’s pleasure. He stripped off before this entrance and came in
wrapped in an Indian blanket. This stopped the show cold…but in a good
way. I wonder what the attending faculty member thought when they saw
this part of their student revealed…]

BELL
 57

I think we should all take a minute and thank the Lord

for helping us get over the river.

[At one point, Nate took a pause after “Lord.” It worked. With the ensuing
prayers, Humphrey muttered “peas and carrots, peas and carrots.” They all
ended with “amen.”]

(They each mutter their own little

pathetic half-assed prayer.)

HUMPHREY
I can’t go on. I’m so hungry. Oh, wait, I’ve got some
fudge!

(He pulls a chunk out of his sack and

starts munching.)

[There’s the second part of that triad.]

UNIT TWENTY – “ON TOP OF YOU”

In which Packer proclaims his loss and heartbreak over
Lianne…

NOON
Hey, Packer. You really miss Lianne, don’t you?

PACKER
Boy, I’ll say. I just can’t believe she’d just take
off like that.

SWAN
Don’t worry, Mr. Packer. There’s plenty of horses in
the world. You’ll find another one.

PACKER
I don’t want another one.

[MUSIC CUE 8: WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU!]

PACKER
SHE’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS TO ME
WHENEVER I WAS WITH HER
I WAS ALWAYS AS GENTLE AS I COULD BE
AND NOW I DON’T KNOW WHY,
BUT SHE’S GONE AWAY
AND I’LL JUST HAVE TO STAND
ON MY OWN TWO LEGS
 58

(A PACKER LOOKALIKE emerges, and romps

with a LITTLE LEEANN TRICYCLE)

[Ted was so damn good we wound up cutting the Baby Packer bit.]

YOUR EYES, YOUR SMILE

MADE MY LITTLE LIFE WORTHWHILE
THERE WAS NOTHING I COULDN’T DO
WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU

I’D PULL HER HAIR AND SHE’D KNOW TO STOP

AND WHEN SHE’D LOOK BEHIND HER,
I’D ALWAYS BE THERE
AND NOW I DON’T KNOW WHY,
BUT SHE, SHE’S GONE
AND ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO CARRY ON

(The Packer Lookalike and Leeann share a

soda)

[Erin flashed a close-up picture of a horse on the screen.]

YOUR EYES, YOUR SMILE

MADE MY LITTLE LIFE WORTHWHILE
THE SKY WAS A LOT MORE BLUE
WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU

(Packer Lookalike and Leeann fade away)

[Ted picked up his blanket, fondled it, and opened it revealing a horse.]

WHEN I WAS ON TOP

WHEN I WAS ON TOP
WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU

HUMPHREY
(Offering a bit of chocolate)
Fudge, Packer?

[And, finally, that payoff. Here’s an example of where lighting can make or
break a joke. Sasha had the lights going to half after the song. Humphrey’s
joke was lost. I asked her to keep the lights at the same level to hold the
moment. The line got a laugh.]
 59

UNIT TWENTY-ONE – “POLLY LEADS ON”

In which Packer willing shares his story…

(Packer crosses back to the cell. Polly

is on the other side of the bars, pad
and pencil in hand.)

PACKER
She was the only one I had. The only thing that made
me feel important. The only thing that made me feel
wanted. That night I swore I’d get those men to
Breckenridge as fast as possible.

POLLY
So that was the last time you saw her?

PACKER
No, I saw her again all right.

POLLY
The trappers took her.

PACKER
I don’t know if anybody took her. But a few weeks
later we crossed over into Colorado territory.

[You should be tipsy by now.]

UNIT TWENTY-TWO – “Utes are Indians”

In which the Miners hide, Humphrey brags, and all are
screwed…

(The other Miners reappear SOAKING WET.

Packer rejoins them. There is snow
sprinkled in the crevices.)

HUMPHREY
Are there any more big rivers between here and
Breckenridge?
(Imitating Packer)
“Oh no, just the Colorado.” The biggest fucking river
I’ve seen in my entire life, he said dripping with
water!

PACKER
It didn’t use to be that big.
 60

BELL
Well, I suppose we should all get into our bags again.

MILLER
NO! Let’s just keep walking. At least until the sun
goes down. I ain’t THAT cold.

PROJECTION: “GREETINGS FROM THE GRAND CANYON”

POSTCARD

[Instead of a projection, I had Brooke bring in a cartoon-looking sign saying

“Grand Canyon.” Now, actually, we didn’t think this was really the Grand
Canyon. It didn’t fit with the logical geography of their journey. But Parker
didn’t say it wasn’t, and it was always a funny joke. I think the sign worked
better than a projection because Brooke had a visible reaction to the miners’
idiocy.]

MILLER
Oh, this is good, Packer. You’re just a regular
Christopher Columbus.

PACKER
Well, we made it. This is Colorado territory.

NOON
Looks like we’re gonna make it after all.

PACKER
Come on, we can just walk around it. It can’t be that
big.

SWAN
Hey, look you guys. Snow!

(Packer sees something in the distance

and freezes.)

BELL
What is it, Packer?

PACKER
Up over that ridge.

(Lights reveal the INDIAN WARRIOR and a

BRAVE. They look vaguely Japanese. In
fact, they are KABUKI INDIANS!!!)
 61

[The Indians. Trey Parker cast Japanese actors as the Indians for a complete
and total anachro-fest. Ralf, the Indian Warrior, is African-American, and
Kyle, the Brave, has New York features. So we gave Ralf a huge afro, track
pants, and war paint. Kyle had a coolie hat and karate suit. So, there is NO
justification for any of this. It was so bizarre it was funny.]

MILLER
Utes!

PACKER
No, I think they’re Indians.

BELL
Utes ARE Indians

SWAN
(Playing with snow)
Hey, you guys wanna build a snowman or something?

BELL
Shut up, Swan! Get down.

(The groups, sans the distracted Swan,

duck and cover. The Indians advance.)

PACKER
Do you think they see us?

BELL
I don’t know

(He looks up. The Indians are right in

front of them.)

WARRIOR
(In Japanese)
Kimi wa nani ono da? (Who are you?)

(The other Miners smile and rise.)

BELL
Morning.

PACKER
Morning.

(No response.)
 62

BELL
Oh, shit.

BRAVE
Kitanai minari shiyagatte. (Your clothing is really
shabby.)

BELL
(To Packer, sotto)
What is that, Ute?

PACKER
(Sotto)
I don’t know.

BRAVE
Momotaro shiteru na? (Know about Momotaro?)

(The Indians laugh. The Miners join

them, uncomfortably)

NOON
(Sotto)
What the hell kind of language is that?

PACKER
(Sotto)
I don’t know. Just keep laughing.

(The Miners laugh)

HUMPHREY
Wait, you guys. Let me talk to them. I know how to
speak Indian.

(He approaches the Indians.)

BELL
We’re gonna die.

HUMPHREY
(Not really Japanese)
Weep wah, weep wah, surro no happo.

WARRIOR
 63

Nani itto n jaa, omee? (What the heck are you saying?)

HUMPHREY
(to Miners, simultaneously
signing “Jesus Christ is dead.”)
He say, “Welcome to the Land of Blue Light.”

BRAVE
Omai wa sono uchi, sakan to ishoo ni onemu suru koto ni
naru zo! (Keep it up and you’ll be sleeping with the
fishes, see?!)

HUMPHREY
(to Miners)
“I am a carpenter, and this is my brother, Tom.”

MILLER
Humphrey, you are so full of shit!

PACKER
Ask them if they’ve seen a brown horse with a freckled
nose.

[Packer’s one-track mind. This defined his action throughout the play.]

BELL
He doesn’t know what they’re saying.

(Swan throws a snowball at Bell and

smacks him in the face.)

[Jeff Fuell created these wonderful snowballs with weight.]

SWAN
(Laughing)
Gotcha!

(The Indians laugh at Bell. Miller

pulls a gun and walks fast toward the
Warrior, pointing it in his face. The
Warrior kicks the gun away and draws a
kitana blade on Humphrey.)

[This was a difficult moment in fight rehearsal. Good fights have to have
true motivations. Lee asked why the Warrior pulled his kitana. I said it was
in retaliation to Miller pulling his gun. In reality I think it was because Trey
 64

Parker dropped a lot of acid during that time and thought it looked pretty
damn cool.]

BRAVE
Nanda?! Sugu kotchi koi!! Haiyaku! Haiyaku! (What
the heck?! Come here immediately!! Quickly!
Quickly!)

WARRIOR
Kuso, bakayarou! Kono eiga ga daikirai zo. (Shit, you
moron! I hate this movie.)

(The Brave grabs Humphrey and faces him

to the sword.)

HUMPHREY
Uh, you guys…I think they want us to follow them.

BRAVE
Ike. Kono eiga ga suggoi baka na eiga da na! (Go.
This is a really stupid movie!)

PACKER
What should we do?

NOON
Maybe they just want Humphrey.

WARRIOR
Kotchi koi!!! (Come here!!)

BELL
I guess we don’t have much choice.

(The Miners follow the Indians off.)

UNIT TWENTY-THREE – “YA! YA! YA!”

In which the Chief welcomes the “assholes” and Noon
falls in lust…

[MUSIC CUE 9: SCENE SHIFT!!!]

PROJECTION: INDIAN CAMP. (THE TEEPEES ARE MADE FROM

JAPANESE FLAGS)
 65

(The Indians and Miners re-enter. The

Warrior exits. The Brave begins doing
Tae Kwon Do exercises.)

[As the miners entered the camp, Robyn played that stereotypical Chinese
ditty from all the old black-and-white movies on the piano, and Stefani
played war drums back stage to the same rhythm.]

NOON
We’re in a lot of trouble here, aren’t we?

BELL
Just stay calm, let me do the talking. Humphrey, don’t
say anything.

MILLER
This is the weirdest Indian tribe I’ve ever seen.

(The INDIAN CHIEF enters. He’s friendly

and always smiling.)

[David Andrews, a true genius, entered to the sound of a loud, reverberating

gong. Bridget Tunstall did his wonderful Kabuki make-up. His costume was
a red Adidas tracksuit and a single feather. I gave him very little direction –
just pointed him in the right direction and told him don’t worry about being
offensive. Some Japanese friends of Kate came in and said the only note
they’d have is on the pronunciation of the words, that the culture twists were
actually very funny.]

CHIEF
Ya, ya, ya! Yoki kita na! Kimi ga kno eiga no
shujinkoo na n daroo? (Hi hi hi! Welcome! I guess
you are the hero of this movie?)

HUMPHREY
He says-

CHIEF
(Broken English)
Who are you, assholes?

HUMPHREY
Oh, he speaks English!

BELL
We are from Utah.
 66

(The Chief looks confused. Bell pulls

out his handy pocket Book of Mormon.)
Utah.

CHIEF
Ahh, Utah!

BELL
Could you tell me what tribe this is?

CHIEF
We are…Indians!

BELL
Yes, I see that. But what Indians?

CHIEF
You don’t think we are Indians?

BELL
No, no…I just-

CHIEF
We have teepees!

BELL
Right, I see, but-

CHIEF
Look at all these teepees we have. Because…we are…
Indians!

[During this, Erin was on the projector hastily scribbling in more teepees.]

PACKER
Yeah, they have teepees.

(A beautiful INDIAN SQUAW emerges and

joins the Chief. Noon beams.)

[Kate played the Indian squaw, dressed in short-shorts, a white wife beater
with a red dot, and a little feather.]

CHIEF
What is your destination?
 67

PACKER
Breckenridge.

BELL
It’s a small town east of here.

CHIEF
I know. There are lots of gold, ya?

SWAN
Ya, that’s the place.

CHIEF
I’m afraid there is terrible storm in the mountains.
If you like, wait here with us and other assholes for
storm to calm down.

(Noon starts flirting with the Squaw.

She flirts back.)

PACKER
What other assholes?

CHIEF
Ten days ago, a group of assholes like yourselves came
through here. I told them they should wait for the
storm to end.

BELL
Well, where are they.

CHIEF
(To Brave)
Ishoo ni kure!

BRAVE
Hai!

(He exits.)

CHIEF
(To Miners)
Choueechi will get them. But don’t be too long.
Dinner in one hour.

[There was a joke here…but I never could find the reference.]

 68

(The Chief and the Brave exit, leaving

behind the Squaw. The Miners disperse.)

BELL
Thank you…Chief.

NOON
(To Squaw)
Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I like your feather.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

(Noon jiggles his pocket change as the

Squaw giggles and exits.)

UNIT TWENTY-FOUR – “MINERS DIVIDED”

In which Miller and Humphrey plot to escape, and the
other disagree…

MILLER
Hey, screw this, man. If they’re not keeping us here,
let’s just ask fro some food and be on our way.

HUMPHREY
Yeah, we want to get to Breckenridge before all the
gold’s gone, remember?

SWAN
I don’t know. I really think we oughta wait that storm
out.

NOON
(Looking where the Squaw exited)
Yeah, me too.

SWAN
Indians know what they’re talking about when it comes
to weather.

UNIT TWENTY-FIVE – “THE TRAPPERS RETURN”

In which Frenchy rubs salt in Packer’s wound…

(The Brave re-enters, followed by THE

TRAPPERS!!! The Brave scurries off.)

FRENCHY
Well, look who’s here.
 69

PACKER
Ah, crap.

[I had Ted on the wrong side of the stage here, so I told him to scurry across
with one hand up to his face, hiding from the Trappers. The movement was
very quirky and it worked.]

FRENCHY
So you boys were lucky enough to run into the Nahunjin
too, huh? Good thing. You diggers would’ve died for
sure in that storm. Say, what happened to your horse,
Packer?

HUMPHREY
She ran away.
(Packer hits Humphrey)
What?

FRENCHY
(Laughing)
Boy, that’s a stitch.

NUTTER
(Laughing)
I’ll say.

PACKER
What’s so funny?

FRENCHY
C’mon, Packer. It’s only a matter of time. Trapper
horse can’t spend her whole life with no boring, dumb,
cheezemo miner!

[“Cheezemo” is another Parkerism that reappears in his work.]

PACKER
It’s better than just leaving traps where people can
step in them and stuff.

[Nothing betrays a limited vocabulary as the addition of “and stuff.”]

NOON
Yeah, killing all those fuzzy little animals all the
time.

LOUTZENHEISER
 70

Aw, don’t hurt the widdle animals!

HUMPHREY
Nice hat!

PACKER
Well, I’d rather be a miner than a trapper any day.

FRENCHY
You guys don’t even know what it means to be a trapper!

NUTTER
Yeah! Tell ‘em, Frenchy!

UNIT TWENTY-SIX – “THE TRAPPER SONG”

In which Frenchy praises the hard-scrabble life…

[MUSIC CUE 10: TRAPPER SONG!]

FRENCHY
(NUTTER & LOUTZENHEISER)
I CAN CATCH A HELPLESS ANIMAL
SKIN IT WITH MY BARE HANDS
I WAKE UP MUDDY AND I GO TO BED BLOODY
‘CAUSE I’M A TRAPPIN’ MAN

I CAN BRAVE THE NASTIEST WEATHER (WEATHER!)

EVEN IF IT’S EIGHTY BELOW (BELOW!)
MY PA WAS AN ELEPHANT BUT THAT’S IRRELEVANT
MY MA WAS AN ESKIMO

I EAT RABBITS’ HEADS FOR BREAKFAST

(BREAKFAST!)
WITH BEAVER BUTT ON THE SIDE (THE SIDE!)
MY MIND’S MAGNIFICENT
AND MY BODY NO DIFFERENT
I’M FULL OF TRAPPER PRIDE!

YO-HO!

NUTTER
YO-HO!

LOUTZENHEISER
YO-HO!

FRENCHY
 71

RIP THEIR FUR, CUT THEIR SKIN WITH MY KNIFE

YO-HO!

NUTTER
YO-HO!

LOUTZENHEISER
YO-HO!

FRENCHY
(NUTTER & LOUTZENHEISER)
ONE THING’S FOR SURE,
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A TRAPPIN’ LIFE!

I’M BADDER THAN THE BADDEST SAILOR (SAILOR!)

I MAKE LOVE TO WOMEN TEN FEET TALL
(GOOD LORD!)
I’VE GOT A CHEST OF WONDER
AND BALLS OF THUNDER
I CAN BREAK RIGHT THROUGH A WALL

I LOVE THE SOUND OF METAL (METAL!)

SNAPPING ON AN ANIMAL’S HEAD (KA-CHINK!)
SOMETIMES THEY WHIMPER
SOMETIMES THEY SCAMPER
BUT THEY ALWAYS END UP DEAD

LOUTZENHEISER
(Caressing a baby doll)
I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY
WHO DIDN’T GET PUSHED AROUND
NOW THAT I’M A TRAPPER
I’M THE MEANEST GAL AROUND

[The only moment of debate with Sasha. She couldn’t justify the sudden
appearance of the baby doll and suggested using the bloody bunny instead.
Well, I wrestled with this. I liked the moment of Becky ripping off the doll’s
head, but I eventually gave in and let them use the bunny. It made sense in
the end that Loutzenheiser, in her sensitive moment, would really love the
fuzzy li’l creature.]

FRENCHY
Second meanest!
(He rips off the doll’s head.)
THE BLOOD OF A FRESH-CUT RODENT (RODENT)
IS AS SWEET AS BRANDY WINE (DY-WINE)
 72

AND THE BRAIN OF AN ANTELOPE

TASTES LIKE CANTELOUPE
WHAT A YUMMY LIFE!

YO-HO!

LOUTZENHEISER
YO-HO!

NUTTER
YO-HO!

FRENCHY
RIP THEIR FUR, CUT THEIR EYES
OUT WITH MY KNIFE

YO-HO!

LOUTZENHEISER
YO-HO!

NUTTER
YO-HO!

[Courtney had to sing her parts off-key, to her disappointment. She wanted
to opportunity to show off her wonderful vocal talent. But she was so funny!]

UNIT TWENTY-SEVEN – “MUSIC THEORY”

In which Packer discovers a clue and accuses Frenchy…

NOON
(interrupting)
Oh, stop!

HUMPHREY
That’s sick!

FRENCH
I agree. Nutter, you were singing in the wrong key!

NUTTER
No, I wasn’t. It was Loutzenheiser. I was singing in
E flat minor.

FRENCHY
The song’s in F sharp major!
 73

BELL
I think they’re the same thing. I mean, E flat is the
relative minor of F sharp.

FRENCHY
No, it isn’t. The relative minor is three half-tones
up from the major, not down!

[In the film, the actor flubbed that last line, reversing the “up” and “down”.
It wasn’t logical, and knowing that SCAD has music students, I corrected it.]

NOON
No, it’s three down. Like A is the relative minor of C
major.

LOUTZENHEISER
But isn’t A sharp in C major?

BELL
Wait; are you singing Mixolydian scales, or something?

FRENCHY
A sharp is tonic to C major. It’s the sixth!

HUMPHREY
No, it isn’t!

SWAN
Well, it’d be like a raised thirteenth if anything.

FRENCHY
Oh, well. You guys are just a bunch of loser diggers
anyhow!

HUMPHREY
Oh see! You know we’re right!

[As an actor, I know that sometimes there are lines that just never stick.
Well, spouting music theory in the middle of a show like this was completely
mind blowing, and indeed was difficult to stick. I told them to blindly
memorize it and don’t overanalyze it. I think by the end of the run they
finally had their lines perfect.]

(Packer discovers a saddlebag behind the

trappers.)
 74

PACKER
I knew it! This is Lianne’s food bag. You dirty so
and so, where is she?

FRENCHY
I don’t know what you’re talking about. We found it on
the way here.

PACKER
You’re a liar.

FRENCHY
Are you calling me a liar?

PACKER
Yes.

NUTTER
You’d be wise to get out of here, buddy.

PACKER
Look, Frenchy, you know where she is and I’d really
like-

(Frenchy grabs Packer by the balls and

carries him across the stage.)

[Working up to this moment was fun. Becky was reluctant to grab anywhere
near Ted’s crotch, although the direction was to grab his thigh. Eventually it
worked, and Ted sold it well. We wondered if it came from a past
experience.]

FRENCHY
Nobody, but nobody, calls Frenchy Cabazon a liar!

SWAN
Hey, hey, hey now! Do you need to go to time out?

(Frenchy socks Swan in the face,

knocking him flat.)

FRENCHY
Anyone else? Huh? I didn’t think so. Now get out of
my personal space!

(The Miners begin to exit. Packer pulls

himself over to the cell.)
 75

UNIT TWENTY-EIGHT – “AND THEN?”

In which Packer continues his tale and Polly is
entranced…

PACKER
And so we stayed with the Indians and I watched the
Trappers’ every move.

POLLY
So then-

(The SHERIFF enters behind POLLY. He

speaks in a thick, Scottish brogue.)

[We justified the existence of a Scottish sheriff by him coming over through
Ellis Island and never stopping until he got to Saguache. Weak, sure, but
otherwise it was going to be another product of Parker’s acid trips.]

SHERIFF
Oh, got him going on about the horse again, did ya?
Come on, time to go back to the courthouse.

UNIT TWENTY-NINE – “THE VERDICT”

In which the Judge condemns Packer to death…

(He pulls Packer to the main area, where

a JUDGE and the Ensemble enter. We’re
in the courthouse.)

[We piped in the “People’s Court” theme over the sound system here. Old
joke, sure, but it worked.]

JUDGE
The defendant will rise.
(But he’s already up.)
Alferd Packer, a jury of twelve honest citizens have
sat in judgment on your case and have found you…guilty
of murder and cannibalism! Alferd Packer, the judgment
of this court is for you to be removed hence from the
jail of Hinsdale County, and then be taken to a place
of execution prepared for this purpose, within the
limits of the town of Lake City.

JUDGE (CONT.)
And then and there be hung by the neck, until you are
dead, dead, dead! And may god have mercy on your soul.
 76

[This was almost verbatim the same speech given to the real life Packer, so I
strictly forbade Stefani from paraphrasing. I felt since we’re taking so many
liberties with his life, the least we could do was keep his death sentence
intact.]

UNIT THIRTY – “THE AFTER-PARTY”

In which Mills celebrates and Polly disses…

(The Ensemble goes crazy and exits.

Mills runs up to Polly. The Sheriff
begins to shackle Packer.)

MILLS
Hey, we won!

POLLY
Yes, you certainly did.

(A shackled Packer is being dragged

across upstage.)

MILLS
So, I suppose it won’t be hard for a winning
prosecuting attorney to get a date for dinner?

(He takes Polly’s hand. Packer sees

this with shock as he is jerked
offstage.)

POLLY
No, I don’t suppose it will.
(She pulls her hand away, he exits.
Sotto.)
Asshole.

UNIT THIRTY-ONE – “THIS SIDE OF ME”

In which Polly embraces her love for Packer…

(She pulls out her pad and pencil. She

begins writing.)

POLLY (CONT.)
It was then that Packer’s horse, his only friend, ran
away. Did this loss lead to his murdering and eating
 77

his…unsuspecting companions? What could have caused

his madness?
(She puts down her pad.)
I can’t imagine him being so violent. He seems so…
harmless. Why should I care?

[MUSIC CUE 11: THIS SIDE OF ME!]

POLLY
WHAT IS THIS MAGIC I FEEL?
SEEMS NO MATTER WHERE I AM, IT FINDS ME
PUTS THE MEM’RIES OF HOPE INSIDE ME
MAKES ME WARM ONCE MORE

(Polly holds up a headshot of whoever

plays Packer.)

[Polly pulled Packer’s wanted poster down from the cell wall instead of using
the headshot. Another case of using what you have.]

HE’S JUST A QUIET MAN

BUT HIS EYES CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME
IS IT ONLY THAT I FEEL PITY?
COULD IT BE SOMETHING MORE?

SAFE AS AN ISLAND
FAR OFF TO SEA
I’D ALMOST FORGOTTEN
THIS SIDE OF ME

(A JANITOR mops his way toward Polly,

and looks off in the distance, toward
wherever Polly is singing.)

[I originally wanted a cameo by a faculty member. But when no faculty

members were forthcoming, I reassigned the part to an ensemble member
and changed the character. I felt the janitor gag would work best if it were
played by somebody not already seen onstage, so I scrapped it in lieu of a
sign interpreter. Brooke came out in a spot and did a fairly normal
interpretation of Polly’s lyrics…until she got to the chorus. At which point it
degenerated into a series of raunchy hand gestures and dance moves that
brought down the house. A great cap to the first act.]

WHAT IS THIS MAGIC I FEEL?

THOUGHT THIS MUSHY STUFF WAS BELOW ME
COULD IT BE HE IS THE ONE TO SHOW ME
WHAT COMPASSION IS FOR?
 78

(Polly catches him staring, and he moves

off.)

SAFE AS AN ISLAND
FAR OFF TO SEA
I’D ALMOST FORGOTTEN
THIS SIDE OF ME
PERHAPS I’M NOT THE COLD BITCH
I PRETENDED TO BE
I’D ALMOST FORGOTTEN THIS SIDE OF ME

(Polly takes another look at her notes.)

Ute Indian reservation? Hmm…

(Blackout.)

END OF ACT ONE

UNIT THIRTY-TWO – “LOVERS’ QUARREL”

In which Polly taunts, Packer denies, and then proves…
 79

ACT TWO

[MUSIC CUE 12: ENTR’ACTE]

[We had to create our own entr’acte, so I had Robyn take the organ chords
from the beginning of The Phantom of the Opera, and that went into a reprise
of “Don’t Be Stupid.”]

(Lights rise revealing Packer in his

cell. Polly enters, escorted by the
Sheriff.)

SHERIFF
Stay to the right.

[Another one of my homages, this time to The Silence of the Lambs. The cast
didn’t get it, but the audience did. Part of this was Kyle’s great timing.]

POLLY
Hello, Mr. Packer. How are you doing?

PACKER
How am I doing? Have you ever been sitting around
waiting to die?

POLLY
Yes, I have, as matter of fact.

PACKER
When?

POLLY
Well, all right. I’ve never…really.

PACKER
Didn’t think so.

POLLY
Now, you left the Indian camp in January. How long
before you realized-

PACKER
Oh, no no no. What’s the point? I told you what I
told you because I thought you cared. I didn’t realize
you were the Prosecuting Attorney’s girl.
 80

POLLY
I am not his girl! I just met the man last week.

PACKER
Whatever.

[All this modern vernacular! The juxtaposition of the old Western film style-
slash-Rodger and Hammerstein musical over the modern slang made it easy
to justify random gags throughout the show.]

POLLY
Are you jealous?

PACKER
Why the hell would I be jealous?! I’m gonna die
tomorrow!

POLLY
Well, he says I shouldn’t believe a word you say. He
said you went mad at that bar in Saguache.

PACKER
Oh, that’s the biggest joke ever! You want to know
what really happened? Okay, we were at the Indian
camp. It was the morning after another big snow and it
was also the first time I noticed Bell getting edgy.

UNIT THIRTY-THREE – “TAE BO WITH THE CHIEF”

In which Packer vows revenge and hits the road…

(Packer crosses to the stage area. More

snow around, and a few drifts. He
begins doing Tae Kwon Do with the
Chief.)

[More David Andrews brilliance as he invented a new form of Tae Kwon Do

blended with Jazzercise.]

CHIEF
Your skill is improving, Pakazan.

PACKER
Oh, thanks Chief. Hey, when do you think I’d be able
to use this stuff against like two big broads and one
short but tough one?
 81

CHIEF
You mean those crazy twappers?

PACKER
Yeah.

CHIEF
Ahhhh! Remember, this practice we do is not for
becoming bully, okay?

PACKER
Okay.

CHIEF
Besides, you have nothing to worry about. Those crazy
twappers left this morning.

PACKER
Oh really, good…
(Packer does a double take)
They what?!

CHIEF
Yeah, they decided to go ahead. Although I told them
not to. Those crazy twappers.

[This reeked of Elmer Fudd.]

PACKER
You’re kidding.
(The Chief shakes his head.)
You’re not kidding.

(Packer rushes off. Noon and TOMOMI,

the beautiful Squaw, enter opposite.)

UNIT THIRTY-FOUR – “MASH NOTE”

In which Noon shows off, and finds true lust…

NOON
I may look tough and mean-spirited, but I’m really a
sensitive artist.

[Guys will say ANYTHING to get a girl…]

TOMOMI
That’s very interesting.
 82

NOON
I paint, and I sculpt with my hands.

TOMOMI
That’s very interesting too.

NOON
You have no idea what I’m saying, do you?

TOMOMI
That’s very interesting.

[A guy’s dream. There was really no analogy I could give Susie for this.]

UNIT THIRTY-FIVE – “HIT THE ROAD, JACK”

In which Packer rallies the Miners to head off, and
Bell snaps…

(Packer runs on with his saddle pack.

Bell and Miller enter carrying firewood.
The other Miners straggle on.)

PACKER
We have to go!!! I mean, we should be going.

NOON
What?!

PACKER
Those trappers left this morning.

NOON
So?

PACKER
So? Maybe they saw a break in the weather.

NOON
(Holding on to Tomomi)
Well, I’m not going anywhere.
PACKER
C’mon, you guys. Have you forgotten your dreams? We
wanted to get to Breckenridge before all the gold was
gone, remember?

NOON
 83

No way!
(To Bell)
No way!

BELL
Well now, let’s think about this. If the trappers saw
a break in the storm, that could mean something. This
could be the last chance we get to get out of here for
months.

NOON
It’s the middle of the winter. You heard the chief!
He said to stay here! Remember? He said clearly…

BELL
Now, now, now. Calm down, okay? I mean, Breckenridge
can’t be that far, right?

PACKER
Yeah!

BELL
Besides, if you’d quit acting like a sex-started little
Mister Pervert, we’d be able to get out of here!

[We decided this was the first sign of Bell’s deteriorating mental state. He
snapped halfway though this line.]

TOMOMI
Hehehehahahaha, okay pervert!

BELL
Let’s get going.

UNIT THIRTY-SIX – “RAMEN”

In which the Chief sends off the Miners, with a too-
late warning…

(The Chief enters)

CHIEF
What?! You leaving? You crazy too!

BELL
That gold can’t wait for us any longer.

CHIEF
 84

I give you enough food for the trip, okay?

(Tomomi re-enters with a box of Ramen

noodles.)

[I wasn’t sure whether the box of Ramen would read to the audience, so at
one point I played with the Indians bringing in little take-out boxes from a
Chinese restaurant. But I didn’t keep in consideration that this WAS playing
to a primarily college audience. It got a HUGE laugh every night.]

BELL
Thanks, Chief.

(The Miners exit, shouting “Goodbye!”

“Thank you!” and “Shpadoinkle!”)

CHIEF
Hey! Watch out for Cyclops!
(To Tomomi)
Assholes!

[This Cyclops warning was too little, too late for our poor miners…]

(The lights fade out as Chief and Tomomi

exit.)

UNIT THIRTY-SEVEN – “EWW!”

In which Packer gets the Miners lost, and Bell’s up the
creek without a paddle…

PACKER (V.O.)
I may be slow sometimes, but I’m not stupid. I knew
the trappers had kidnapped Lianne, and that she was
waiting for me to save her. I thought I could catch up
to them on the way to Saguache, but then I got us kind
of lost.

(An ensemble member enters with a sign:

MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Lights rise on the
Miners, lost.)

BELL
This doesn’t look right, Packer.

PACKER
Chief said to follow the river east. We’re following
the river east.
 85

BELL
Yeah, but he didn’t say anything about this!

NOON
I can’t go on anymore. I’m starving.

MILLER
Don’t be such a wimp.

(Bell stops to examine his ankle that

has now turned gangrenous.)

HUMPHREY
Ewww!

BELL
This trip can’t get any worse for me.

SWAN
This canyon is so beautiful

(The lights go down.)

UNIT THIRTY-EIGHT – “LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!”

In which the Miners almost find food, meet the Cyclops,
and narrowly escape a love-fest…

PACKER
So we kept heading for Breckenridge, but we still
couldn’t find any food. And it wasn’t long before we
were deep in the Rocky Mountains.

(Lights rise.)

PACKER
We’ve got to be really close now!

NOON
I can’t go on. I need food. I can’t go on without it.

HUMPHREY
Me neither. I’m starving!
 86

(A BAA-ING SHEEP puppet suddenly

appears.)

[Another brilliant creation by Noah Harrell, this was a two piece puppet.
One hand hooked a pair of sheep paws around the doorframe; the other
manipulated the long necked puppet head that followed. It was so adorable
that it led to Mike’s ad-lib “so damn cute.”]

SWAN
Look!

HUMPHREY
A sheep!

NOON
Yes!

(He starts to unzip his pants.)

PACKER
(Stopping him)
No, no! To eat!

NOON
I know, I gotta take a piss.

(He runs to the other side of the

stage.)

[It wasn’t until tech week that Suzie finally got the bestiality gag here. She’d
been playing it as though she did, so her eventual moment of recognition was
hysterical.]

HUMPHREY
Here, little lamb chop. Here, boy.

(Miller draws his pistol and aims it at

the sheep, but hesitates.)

BELL
What are you waiting for? Shoot it!

MILLER
Well…you shoot it.

(He tries to hand the gun to Bell.)

 87

BELL
You’re supposed to be the butcher.

(He pushes the gun back toward the

sheep. A CYCLOPS dressed in a rebel
army uniform appears behind the group.)

MILLER
Well, I know, but…it’s so God damn cute!

(Bell snatches the gun away and aims at

the sheep.)

PACKER
I don’t think I can watch this.

BELL
So look the other way.

(Packer turns and comes eye to eye

(sorry!) with the Cyclops. He screams
like a little girly boy!)

HUMPHREY
What? He hasn’t even done it yet.

(The Miners turn around, see the

Cyclops, and scream!)

[After a volunteer bailed on making this effect, I had to create it on my own.

I took a rubber George Washington half-mask, sprayed on some Great Stuff
foam sealant, rigged an IV bag and a tube through the build up eye and
painted it to match Ralf’s skin. This was topped with a cheesy Confederate
soldier’s cap.]

CYCLOPS
Are you lookin’ at my eye?!!!

(Pus squirts in a nice stream right from

the Cyclops’ eye into Humphrey’s wide-
open mouth.)

[This was wishful thinking. We never did it, for fear of wetting the stage. We
wound up squirting the audience at the very end of the scene instead.]

MINERS
 88

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

CYCLOPS
Are you lookin’ at my eye?!!!!!

MINERS
No. No. No. Not at all.

CYCLOPS
A Union Army soldier did this to me in the big one.
Any of you boys fight for the Union Army?

(The Miners adopt awful Hollywood style

southern accents.)

MILLER
Shucks, no!

BELL
Shucky dang darn!

CYCLOPS
So, you the boys been killin’ all my sheepies with
those traps?

NOON
Nawwwww! We just now gots here!

CYCLOPS
Where you from?

HUMPHREY
Nashville!

CYCLOPS
Damn, it’s good to see some southern boys. It’s been a
long time.
(Singing, acapella)
WELL I WISH I WERE IN THE LAND OF COTTON
OLD TIMES THERE ARE NOT FORGOTTEN
LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!

(The Miners try to figure out the next

lyric. Humphrey pipes in with…)

HUMPHREY
YOU STUPID YANK!
 89

[They never got this tune, much to Robyn’s consternation.]

CYCLOPS
You ain’t southern boys!

MINERS
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

[MUSIC CUE 12B: THE CYCLOPS CHASE!]

(The Miners lead the Cyclops into a

classic Scooby-Doo chase. Finally,
everybody disappears, leaving the
Cyclops center stage, alone.)

[This is my bit of creativity. There was all the set-up throughout for the huge
Cyclops battle, which wound up being little more than homage to Homer’s
Odyssey. But what if the Cyclops were really a misunderstood monster?
That led to the following bit of playwrighting.]

CYCLOPS
I just wanna be loved.

(He squirts the front row. Blackout.)

[Projection Designer Erin Staub went crazy once she was given free reign. As
the Cyclops ran off crying and squirting, she threw up a hastily sketched
heart on the R.P. screen, topping off this silly moment.]

UNIT THIRTY-NINE – “SNOWMAN!”

In which Swan boosts the Miners’ spirits…

PACKER (V.O.)
As the days went by, the snow just got deeper and
deeper. And then I realized that maybe the men were
losing some hope.

(Lights rise on the frostbitten crew

slowing trudging in. Piles of snow all
over the place.)

HUMPHREY
Excuse me. I’ve been doing some thinking. Ummm…just
kind of looking at our situation here, and I’ve come to
the conclusion that WE’RE COMPLETELY FUCKED! Has
anybody else made this discovery?
 90

PACKER
But I’m sure this is the right way.

(The Miners mutter “I don’t wanna die!”

“Where are we?” Bell: “Yes, the snow is
deep.”)

[MUSIC CUE 13: LET’S BUILD A SNOWMAN!]

SWAN
SOMETIMES THE WORLD IS BLACK
AND TEARS RUN FROM YOUR EYES
AND MAYBE WE’LL ALL GET REALLY SICK
AND MAYBE WE’LL ALL DIE
SO…

[What else do you do when you’re near death? You sing a happy song!]

LET’S BUILD A SNOWMAN

WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND
WE CAN NAME HIM TOM
OR WE CAN NAME HIM GEORGE
WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL
OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL
SNOWMAN!

[Elizabeth Baxter made the stacking snowdrifts out of chicken wire and
muslin. They looked brilliant under the lights and wonderfully cheesy.]

HE’LL HAVE A HAPPY FACE, A HAPPY SMILE,

A HAPPY POINT OF VIEW
IF YOU BUILD ME A SNOWMAN, THEN I’LL BUILD
ONE FOR YOU!

SO, LET’S BUILD A SNOWMAN!

WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND
WE CAN NAME HIM BOB
OR WE CAN NAME HIM BEOWULF!
[Brilliant lyric!]
WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL
OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL
SNOWMAN!

HEY!

(TAP BREAK)
 91

(Swan hops behind a snow pile, feet

hidden and does an amazing tap dance.)

[Becky provided the taps offstage. For a while she wanted to follow his feet,
but I pointed out that it didn’t matter since the audience never saw his feet.
When she followed the rhythm of the song, it finally worked.]

HE’LL HAVE A HAPPY FACE, A HAPPY SMILE,

A HAPPY POINT OF VIEW
(MILLER: This fucker’s gone completely nuts!)
IF YOU BUILD ME A SNOWMAN, THEN I’LL BUILD
ONE FOR YOU
SNOWMAN! SNOWMAN! SNOWMAN!

(Miller goes up to Swan’s newly built

snowman and demolishes it with his
pickaxe. The men trudge off, Swan
trailing behind. Lights fade.)

UNIT FORTY – “SHOE LEATHER”

In which the Miners resort to desperate measures for
nourishment, and realize their fate…

PACKER
The days were bad, but the nights were worse. All we
did was try to keep from freezing. We were all
frostbitten and on our last legs, when the butcher
suggested that we eat our shoes.

PROJECTION: “ONE WEEK LATER…”

(Lights rise, the Miners are gathered

around a campfire.)

[The guys ate licorice laces here.]

HUMPHREY
Oh, I’m not eating my fucking shoes!

PACKER
He said the salt in the leather would only hold us over
for the night, but we didn’t care. It was one more
night to stay alive.
 92

(The men remove their shoes, roast them

over the campfire, and being to chow
down.)

MILLER
We’re just prolonging the inevitable. We’re dying, as
in dead, as in no more nothing.

BELL
The Lord works in mysterious ways.

MILLER
You realize how stupid that sounds right now, don’t
you?

BELL
Yes, I do.

SWAN
You know, pretty soon this whole trip will be behind us
and we can look back on it with fond memories.

BELL
What fond memories?!

SWAN
You have to stay optimistic. This is nothing that a
little positive thinking can’t get us through.

MILLER
How the hell can you say that? You’re frostbitten
worse than the rest of us!

SWAN
Well, you never realize what a good time you’re having
until it’s over.

BELL
Swan, why don’t you take a God damned minute to look at
our-

PACKER
C’mon guys. You’re just wasting valuable energy.

MILLER AND BELL

 93

Well then tell him to shut up!

PACKER
Swan, shut up.

SWAN
Oh, you.

NOON
Okay, Packer. What now? I can’t keep going on like
this forever.

HUMPHREY
Me neither.

BELL
What are we gonna do, Packer?!

SWAN
I know what we should do.

NOON
What?

[MUSIC CUE 14: LET’S BUILD A SNOWMAN! (REPRISE)]

SWAN
LET’S BUILD A SNOWMAN!
WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND

MILLER
Shut the fuck up, Swan!

SWAN
WE CAN NAME HIM SHANNON!
SHANNON WILSON BELL!

MILLER
Swan, shut the fuck up!

SWAN
WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL
OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL-

(Swan is interrupted by a bullet to the

head, fired by Bell.)
 94

[We used a very unreliable K-Mart cap gun that worked when it wanted to.
The guys wanted to switch over to a real starter’s pistol, but the cap gun
worked so well within the milieu of the show.]

NOON
Oh my God, he killed Swan!

HUMPHREY
You bastard!

[Our obligatory South Park reference.]

UNIT FORTY-ONE – “CANNIBALISM!”

In which the Miners break the final taboo…

(Bell walks away. The others go to

examine the corpse.)

PACKER
He looks so happy.

NOON
Just like he’s gonna sing a song.

[MUSIC CUE 14A: SWAN’S SWAN SONG]

NOON
Hey, Packer, if we make it out of this, we’re gonna
turn Bell in, aren’t we?

PACKER
I don’t know. We’ll just figure all of that out when
we get there.

NOON
IF we get there! Hell, we should have gone to
California or something.

MILLER
Well haven’t you ever heard of the Donner party?

HUMPHREY
Yeah, the Donner party, they got stuck in the
California mountains.

PACKER
 95

They had to eat each other to stay alive.

(The Miners all look over at their dead

companion’s body.)

HUMPHREY
Well, heck yeah! Why not?!

BELL
Wait a minute, Humphrey. You wouldn’t even eat your
shoes!

HUMPHREY
Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes!

MILLER
Well, what do we eat?

HUMPHREY
You’re the butcher.

MILLER
Yeah, but…I don’t know.

HUMPHREY
(Handing him the butcher’s knife)
So, butch!
(Miller reluctantly takes the knife and
walks over to Swan’s body. He starts
cutting into Swan’s butt.)

HUMPHREY (CONT.)
Wait, you’re cutting into his butt.

MILLER
Well, what kind of piece do you want?

HUMPHREY
Well, not butt!

(They begin passing around pieces of

Swan.

[Ryan had a Ziploc bag of wadded up Fruit Roll-Ups in his back pocket. As
Miller “cut” into Swan’s butt, he pulled a piece of gooey red mass out and
passed it to the nearest miner. As they bit into it, it would give a little nasty
 96

pull. However, the front rows couldn’t miss that unmistakable smell of fake
fruit.]

They each look around waiting for

someone to go first, then all just start
eating slowly. They all look really
ill, except for Humphrey, who is chowing
down on Swan’s arm. Packer sees this
and throws up.)

HUMPHREY
Ew gross, Packer!

NOON
(Re. Bell)
What about him?

BELL
I don’t want any.

MILLER
Fine, you’re in time out anyway.

(Packer lies down and drifts off.)

HUMPHREY
Oh, look. You got it on my pants!

(The lights change, and fog rolls in.

The other Miners drift off to sleep
during the following.)

UNIT FORTY-TWO – “DREAM BALLET”

In which Packer discovers his future…

[MUSIC CUE 14B: PACKER’S DREAM BALLET]

[So many 1940s and 50s musicals had these awful dream ballets as a way to
integrate dance into the story and to highlight the choreographer. Ours,
however, was gratuitous and mercifully short.]

PROJECTION: “DREAM BALLET”

(Packer rises and begins an awkward

ballet to “On Top of You.” French
emerges in a tutu and does a jig to “The
Trapper Song.” He pulls a knife out of
 97

his pocket and stabs Packer in time to

the music. Frenchy pirouettes off, and
the lights switch back to normal.
Everybody is asleep, but Packer snaps up
with a start.)

UNIT FORTY-THREE – “REVELATIONS”

In which Bell reveals Packer’s true destination…

PACKER
IKE!
(The others, startled, awaken.)
Sorry.

[A wonderful moment grew from an accident here. Ted wasn’t able to slip off
his tutu in time for the scene, so he started with it on. During the next few
lines, he tried to slip it off, to great effect.]

(The Miners start packing up, barely

ready to go again.)

HUMPHREY
Is there any more Swan left? I want breakfast.

(Packer picks up what’s left of Swan,

half devoured head and partial torso…)

[Erin LoPorto built this terrifically nasty prop torso out of papier-mâché,
with pipe cleaner tendons sticking out of the neck. Under the lights, it looked
excellent.]

PACKER
You know, I think we’re really close now.

NOON
You know, I have lost count of how many times you’ve
said that. How long have we been out here? Three
weeks?

HUMPHREY
More.

MILLER
How far can Breckenridge be?

BELL
 98

Jesus Christ, don’t you idiots get it? It’s that

stupid horse. That’s why we’re out here freezing and
starving to death. It’s because of that God damned
horse!

HUMPHREY
What?

BELL
We’re nowhere near Breckenridge. We’re way too far
south. Don’t you remember what’s south of
Breckenridge? Saguache!

NOON
That’s where the trappers were going.

PACKER
You asked me to take you to Breckenridge. That’s what
I’m trying to do.

BELL
Then why are we so far south?!

HUMPHREY
You guys, I just thought of something, too. Okay, no
remember when Swan was building that snowman? How the
hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet?

NOON
You just now thought of that?

HUMPHREY
Well, it’s pretty fucking weird, isn’t it?

(Bell jumps Humphrey and pummels the

shit out of him as the scene continues.)

[Kent, as Humphrey, had the most ridiculous costume – these big boots, a
pair of holey overalls pinned together, red long johns too short in the arms,
and the traditional “Humphrey” flap-eared trooper’s cap. One look at him
and you just knew he was the type of guy who people would pummel the shit
out of. Lee staged a great fight where Nate took a flying leap at Kent,
hopped onto his back, and beat him down on the ground. When down, Nate
took several punches at him, until he broke his hand on Kent’s jaw…then he
got up and started kicking. Kent had the most pathetic whimper each time
he took a blow. All the while, Ted’s downstage delivering this next speech,
oblivious to what’s going on behind him.]
 99

NOON
You know, Packer, because of you I am never going to
get laid.

PACKER
Bell’s infected leg had gotten so bad that he was
losing his Shpadoinkle. Everybody was, including me.
I kept thinking about Lianne with that dirty trapper.
I knew she’d never let anyone ride her but me, so all I
could think about was her poor little broken heart
waiting for me to come home. And then I vowed to
myself that no matter what, I wouldn’t let that happen.
That no matter what, I was gonna make it. I knew the
first step was to get the men’s spirits back up, like
Swan would have done.

(Packer holds up Swan’s demolished

torso.)

PACKER
You guys, look. “Let’s build a snowman...”

(Bell attacks Packer. Lights fade.)

UNIT FORTY-FOUR – “NEAR DEATH”

In which the Miners turn on Bell, and Packer keeps up
hope…

PROJECTION: “LATER…”

(Lights rise on the group on the brink

of death.)

MILLER
You know, it’s funny. When we started out on this
trip, all I wanted was to be rich. But now, just some
food. Some warmth. That’s all I’m asking for.

[Again, near death equals musical number!]

[MUSIC CUE 15: THAT’S ALL I’M ASKING FOR! (REPRISE)]

MINERS
(With whatever strand of life
they have left)
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKING FOR
 100

THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKING FOR

FORGET OUR PIECE OF PIE
WE JUST DON’T WANNA DIE
WE’VE HAD SOME ROTTEN LUCK
WE CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE
WE DON’T CARE IF WE’RE FOREVER POOR
THAT’S ALL WE’RE ASKIN’ FOR

[Humphrey collapsed on the final beat of the number.]

HUMPHREY
So cold. Can’t move. Can’t feel. Can’t make complete
sentences. We have to eat something.

MILLER
Maybe we should sacrifice somebody.

NOON
He’s right. If one of us dies, the others can live.

HUMPHREY
It should be Bell. He killed Swan. It’s only fair.

(Humphrey, Miller and Noon advance

toward Bell with hunger in their eyes.)

[This was like a moment from Night of the Living Dead, as the miners turned
on their former spiritual leader and dragged themselves across the stage, out
for blood.]

PACKER
Whoa, wait a minute. We’re almost over this last
ridge. We can probably see a long way from there.

NOON
We can’t do it, Packer. We can’t even stand up.

PACKER
(rising)
I’ll go. You guys just watch the fire.
(He starts to exit. Turns back.)
Nobody eat anybody!

(He exits. Blackout.)

 101

[MUSIC CUE 15A: OMINOUS SCENE SHIFT!]

UNIT FORTY-FIVE – “FIGHT TO THE FINISH”

In which the true Cannibal is revealed, and Bell and
Packer fight to the bitter end…

PROJECTION: “EVEN LATER…”

(Lights rise. Noon, Miller and Humphrey

are now as DEAD and DEVOURED as Swan.
The axe sticks up from Noon’s crotch, a
butcher’s knife is in Miller’s gut, and
Humphrey holds the gun in his hand.
Packer enters.)

PACKER
Okay, you guys. I was wrong about the ridge.
(He notices the carnage.)
What are you guys doing?

(Bell emerges with a hand on a stick.)

[And now the truth is revealed!]

BELL
Yeah, they were gonna kill me. After you left, they
attacked me. So I had to defend myself. Well, looks
like it’s survival of the strongest, eh, Packer? Maybe
it’s for the best. I mean, now we have enough meat to
last us for weeks. Hell, we may even be able to make
it till summer! Haha, yessir! The Lord works in
mysterious ways.
(He offers the hand to Packer.)
We can say…we lost these boys! Bury the bodies and
nobody will ever know. I can open my church, and you
can build your ranch.

PACKER
I think we should probably just go tell somebody, you
know. I mean, if it was in self-defense then they
won’t care.

BELL
 102

Don’t be stupid, man! Nobody will believe us. Don’t

forget, you ate Swan too! If anybody finds out about
ANY of this, they’ll hang us BOTH!

PACKER
Why? You killed him.

BELL
That’s not how I remember it! I’m not about to let
some ignorant punk ruin my chance at becoming a priest.

(Bell starts sawing off another body

part.)

PACKER
You know what, Bell? I think you’ve really lost it.
And I don’t think you killed these guys in self-defense
either. I think you just killed them. And…I’m
telling.

(Bell reaches for the axe.)

BELL
You’re not telling anybody anything…ever again!

(Bell swings the axe. Packer ducks,

grabs the butcher knife, and slams it
into Bell’s back.

[This actually became a pretty long fight scene. Lee Soroko’s brilliance lies
in his use of justified violence, cause and effect. The axe was swung at the
stage nightly, and stage management had to repair the dents with gaffer’s
tape.]

Bell falls. Packer walks away in fear.

He goes to Humphrey’s body and grabs his
hand – which pulls right from the body.
Packer begins to sing.

Bell rises again and screams. Packer

grabs the gun and fires. Bell crumples.

Packer begins to sing AGAIN, and Bell

returns AGAIN.

Bell chases Packer offstage. Behind the

screen, we see the fight. Packer slams
 103

the axe into Bell’s chest. Then a stick

in his eye. Then a meat cleaver into
his head. Bell finally collapses.

[This gave us the most trouble. For the longest time Lee and I were figuring
out how to do all this violence on stage in front of the audience. During a
fight rehearsal, Ryan Brown pointed out that we did have a screen. A light
bulb lit up among us! The violence could be mimed in silhouette, and as
Packer returned to the stage Bell just rigged himself with the various
implements.]

Packer returns to the stage. Begins to

sing…)

[MUSIC CUE 15B: PACKER’S LAMENT]

PACKER
WHO DO-

(Bell returns, with the axe in his

chest, stick in his eye and meat cleaver
in his head. Packer screams as Bell
collapses. Blackout.)

UNIT FORTY-SIX – “OUT OF THE FRYING PAN…”

In which Packer covers up his trail…

PACKER (V.O.)
The snowstorms didn’t let up, so I stayed in that camp
for weeks, living off the bodies of the others. I knew
right then that nobody would believe what happened. I
made my way to an Indian agency and they just fixed me
up and sent me to the nearest town. I told everyone
that I didn’t know where the others were, that I’d lost
them, but then…

UNIT FORTY-SEVEN – “SUSPICIOUS MINDS”

In which the Sheriff questions Packer, and Packer plays
dumb…well…

PROJECTION: “SAGUACHE”

(Packer crosses to the stage, where he

runs into the drunken SHERIFF OF
SAGUACHE.)
 104

[In the film, the actor playing the Sheriff of Saguache was a real lush, and
Parker had a great deal of trouble working with him. Kyle tried playing
drunk for a while, but it never quite worked. Finally, he had the idea to play
him as a huge redneck. That choice worked for laughs. Well, that, plus the
chest hair he drew on beneath his unbuttoned shirt.]

SHERIFF
Alferd Packer? I’m the sheriff of Saguache. Some
people are getting mighty suspicious of you.

PACKER
Me?

SHERIFF
Well, the rest of your party hasn’t shown up yet.

PACKER
Well, yeah.

SHERIFF
Well, we’re gonna put together a search party. I’d
like you to come along and show us where you last saw
them.

PACKER
I can’t. You see, I have to get back to Utah and try
to find my-

SHERIFF
Back to Utah?! What if those people are still up there
struggling for their lives?

PACKER
Okay, I’ll go.

SHERIFF
All right. Meet me at my office at sunrise. You know
what they say about sunrise, don’t you?

(A beat. Sheriff nods, and exits.

[In the film, the actor playing the Sheriff forgot his line and walked off. So
we kept it, and built a moment around it. The absurdity of this must’ve been
obvious, because it always got a laugh.]

UNIT FORTY-EIGHT – “LIANNE!”

 105

In which Packer discovers Lianne with Trappers…and the

truth is revealed…

Packer starts to exit opposite, when

Lianne enters! Ridden by FRENCHY,
followed by the other TRAPPERS.)

PACKER
Lianne!

FRENCHY
Hahaha. Don’t you look sharp? Whatcha doin’ here in
Saguache? I thought you were headed to Breckenridge.

PACKER
This is my horse.

FRENCHY
She…she just followed me here.

PACKER
She’s letting you ride her.

(Packer walks away, then turns and

starts beckoning her, like a dog.)

PACKER
Come here, girl.

(Lianne doesn’t move. Frenchy laughs.

He smacks the other trappers to join
in.)

FRENCHY
Tell you what. Give you eight dollars for her.

PACKER
Keep your money.
(Packer turns away.)
At that moment I realized Lianne hadn’t been stolen…she
left me…for her…

UNIT FORTY-NINE – “MOSEY ON UP TO THE BAR”

In which Frenchy provokes, and Packer attacks…

[MUSIC CUE 16A: SALOON MUSIC UNDERSCORE!]

 106

(A BARTENDER enters and sets up shop.)

BARTENDER
Que quieres, Senor?

PACKER
Un leche.

(She pours Packer a shot of milk.)

[That exchange was ad-libbed during a rehearsal in order to give the

bartender a bit of dialogue.]

FRENCHY
So they tell me you lost the rest of your party. Kinda
misplaced them, did ya? Now you’re just hanging back,
having a little drinkee-poo, huh?

PACKER
It’s not a drinkee-poo. Leave me alone.

FRENCHY
Not only did I get here two months ahead of you,
Packer, but I came back with everyone I started with.

PACKER
Tell me something, Frenchy. How does it feel to be
riding my horse?

FRENCHY
Come off it, Packer. Everyone in this town has ridden
your horse.

(Packer reels back and gives Frenchy an

uppercut. This hurts his hand. The
Sheriff bursts in, drunk.)

SHERIFF
(Pointing opposite)
Packer!
(MUSIC STING! Finding Packer)
Packer!
(ANOTHER MUSIC STING!)
You lied. They found the bodies on the pass…buried.
I’m taking you downtown…CANNIBAL!
 107

[Doing the musical stings during rehearsal was our favorite bit of “audience
participation.” When Robyn wasn’t around to play them on the piano, the
entire room joined in a loud “DUNH-duh!”]

CYCLOPS
(Appearing)
You little bastard. Now you must die.
(He snatches Packer by the collar and
slings him across the room.)
Damn cannibal Yankee!

[There is absolutely no real justification for the Cyclops to have emerged

from the Rocky Mountains other than the fact that when you hit bottom, you
still ain’t gone as far as you can go.]

UNIT FIFTY – “BAR FIGHT”

In which all hell breaks loose, and Packer conquers
Frenchy…

[MUSIC CUE 16: THE FIGHT!]

[Originally, I had wanted to insert a song called “Shatterproof” that had

been cut from the movie. The song, granted, isn’t that great, so it wasn’t
surprising when McHugh refused to release the rights. It worked out,
however, because the fight Lee choreographed was hysterically funny in the
tradition of Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles.]

(The Sheriff swings at Packer and

misses. Packer throws the Sheriff at
Frenchy, who swings and hits, sending
the Sheriff back to Loutzenheiser, who
kicks and knocks him down.

Meanwhile, Packer has grappled with the

Cyclops, poking out his other eye and
sending him offstage.

When Loutzenheiser gets the Sheriff

down, a CHEERLEADER appears.)

CHEERLEADER
Packer! Packer! He’s our man!
If he can’t do it, no one can.
When I say Alferd, you say Packer!
Alferd (Packer)!!
Alferd (Packer)!!
 108

[The cheerleader was my addition. I figured, as crazy as the show was, why
not throw in a catfight somewhere.]

(Nutter sees Loutzenheiser drooling over

Cheerleader, and goes in for the kill.
Nutter grabs the Cheerleader by her
ponytail.)

NUTTER
You bitch!

(The fall into a huge catfight, which

grabs everybody’s attention. The men
all send out praises…

But after a few moments, a huge,

familiar whistle sounds through the
auditorium. Frenchy and Packer remember
each other and begin circling, snapping
fingers. Frenchy draws her knife, and
Packer hops into a Jerome Robbins-esque
pose. They go into a vicious knife
fight.

Eventually, Packer slaps the knife from

Frenchy’s hand. Frenchy grabs Packer by
the throat. He’s almost gone when he
brings his hands up and grabs Frenchy by
the nipples.)

FRENCHY
Ow! Ow! Ow!

(He spins Frenchy, snaps her bra-strap,

and gets her into a headlock.)

[The “titty-twist” was the only equivalent we could come up with to balance
out the ball grab in Act One.]

UNIT FIFTY-ONE – “DESPERATION”

In which Packer escapes the bloodthirsty crowd…

PACKER
Okay, nobody move…or I’ll eat her right in front of
you!

FRENCHY
 109

He’s serious, man! Don’t move!

SHERIFF
He is a cannibal!

(Packer takes advantage of this

confusion to run off.)

FRENCHY
Don’t just stand there! Go get him!

SHERIFF
Let’s get him!

[MUSIC CUE 16A: THE CHASE! (UNDERSCORE)]

(HUGE CHASE SCENE…where the actors run

offstage one side and re-enter the other.
Eventually, Packer breaks off and shares a
moment with Lianne, he hears the others
coming and ducks behind her. Frenchy grabs
Lianne and runs off. Packer returns to the
cell.)

UNIT FIFTY-TWO – “WYOMING”

In which Packer concludes his story and Polly vows to
prove his innocence…

PACKER
And I ran and I ran and I ran just as fast as I could.

POLLY
But you made it to Wyoming, right?

PACKER
Yeah, but I would’ve been better off just letting those
people catch me and kill me.

POLLY
Why?

PACKER
You ever been to Wyoming?
 110

(A wolf howls as a tumbleweed crosses the

stage.)

[Brooke, still in cheerleader garb and exhausted from the chase scene, rolled
a two-dimensional tumbleweed across the stage. The exhaustion that she
played was indeed real.]

POLLY
Oh, God, it sounds horrible.

PACKER
It was. I managed to hide out there for a while, but
they caught up with me. Brought me back. And now I
don’t know what’s going to happen.

POLLY
You’ll be fine. I promise. And I’ll be with you the
whole time. You’ll see, Alferd. There won’t be a
hanging day.

PACKER
You have made me feel better. You know, I think maybe
there is hope.

[MUSIC CUE 17A: LOVE THEME!/”BASTARD” VAMP!]

(They try to kiss through the bars, but

it doesn’t work. Polly exits.

UNIT FIFTY-THREE – “HANG THE BASTARD!”

In which the townsfolk celebrate the end of Packer…

Spotlight catches MILLS and CITIZENS on

the opposite side of the stage.)

MILLS
I know today will be a day that goes down in history as
a day in which justice was truly served. Now, let’s
hang the bastard!

(The crowd cheers. The Sheriff walks up

to the cell and opens the door.)

SHERIFF
C’mon, Packer. It’s time for your show.
 111

PACKER
Wait, where did Miss Pry go?

SHERIFF
She went back to Denver.

PACKER
Denver?

SHERIFF
Yeah, she’s a reporter for the Denver Post. Didn’t you
know that? Douchebag.

[MUSIC CUE 17: HANG THE BASTARD!]

MILLS
HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH
HOIST HIS BODY TO THE SKY
IT’S AS NICE AS A DAY CAN BE
WON’T YOU COME TO THE HANGING WITH ME

(The Sheriff leads Packer to an

uppermost platform and prepares his
noose.)
[This was the big eleven o’clock number, so I filled the stage with as many
cast members as possible. Aurelia, Nate and David all had surprise entrances
later in the scene so they were off. I brought back Mike, Ryan, Susie and
Kent. Mike and Ryan each put on Groucho glasses, and Susie came back as
a little boy in a sailor suit with a huge lollypop. Kent was in bad drag with a
wig and dress – homage to the movie where Matt Stone reappears in the
same scene in drag.

During the song, Erin played “Hangman” on the projector.]

ENSEMBLE
HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH
HOIST HIS BODY TO THE SKY
IT’S AS NICE A DAY CAN BE
WON’T YOU COME TO THE HANGING WITH ME

HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM WELL

SEND HIS SORRY SOUL TO HELL
WHEN HIS NECKBONE SNAPS WE’LL KNOW
THAT THE CANNIBAL WON’T BE KILLING ANYMORE

LOUTZENHEISER
 112

HIS FACE WILL TURN RED,

THEN PURPLE, THEN BLUE

NUTTER
WE’LL WATCH FROM UP HERE
TO GET A GOOD VIEW

FRENCHY
(In ball-broken falsetto)
AND WHEN HIS EYES BUG OUT WE’LL KNOW
IT’S THE END OF HIM
AND THE END OF THE SHOW!

ENSEMBLE
SO HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM WITH CHEER
WE’LL MAKE SOME HOT DOGS
AND DRINK A FEW BEERS
AND WHEN HIS TONGUE ROLLS OUT WE’LL KNOW
IT’S THE END OF THE SHOW
AND WE ALL CAN GO HOME!

MEN
BUT NOT TILL WE HANG THE BASTARD,
HANG HIM HERE
THE MOST EXCITING THING
THIS TOWN HAS SEEN IN YEARS
WHEN HIS BODY STOPS JERKING WE’LL KNOW

WOMEN
IT’S THE END OF HIM

MEN
IT’S THE END OF HIM

WOMEN
IT’S THE END OF HIM

ENSEMBLE
AND THE END OF THE SHOW

SOLO
Cowbell solo!

(Ensemble member pops out and does an

awful cowbell solo.)
 113

[My frequent collaborator and Cannibal sound designer Ryan McCurdy, a

man of many talents, made a cameo appearance here as the punk rock
cowbell soloist. He hopped in the theatre in ripped clothing bearing a
cowbell, played a few bars, and hopped back out.]

ENSEMBLE
SO HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH
KISS HIS GUILTY BUTT GOODBYE
IT’S AS NICE AS A DAY CAN BE
WON’T YOU COME TO THE HANGING WITH ME?

SOLO
HIS VEINS WILL POP OUT ALL OVER HIS HEAD

SOLO
WE’LL TICKLE HIS ARMPITS
TO MAKE SURE HE’S DEAD

SOLO
AND WHEN HIS TONGUE ROLLS OUT WE’LL KNOW

TRIO
IT’S THE END OF HIM AND WE ALL CAN GO HOME

ENSEMBLE
(Chorus Line Fan Kicks!)
BUT NOT TILL WE
HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH
HOIST HIS BODY TO THE SKY
WHEN HIS BODY STOPS JERKING WE’LL KNOW

LOUTZENHEISER
IT’S THE END OF HIM,

MILLS
IT’S THE END OF HIM,

SHERIFF
IT’S THE END OF HIM

ENSEMBLE
NOW GET ON WITH THE SHOW!

HOORAY!

UNIT FIFTY-FOUR – “LAST WORDS”

 114

In which Packer gives up…

SHERIFF
Alferd Packer, do you have any last words?

PACKER
Yes, I do.

ENSEMBLE
Awww.

SHERIFF
Right, make it snappy.

PACKER
Probably the most important thing is that when things
get really bad and the world looks its darkest, you
just have to throw up your hands and say “Well,
alright!” cause it’s probably gonna get a whole hell of
a lot worse.

[That speech was a direct lift from Oklahoma, except in that it ends with “a
whole lot better” or something else sappy.]

SHERIFF
Jolly good speech. Now let’s get on with the hanging!

(Crowd cheers.)

SHERIFF
Release the floor!

[MUSIC CUE 17A: DRUMROLL!]

PACKER
Shpadoinkle!

UNIT FIFTY-FIVE – “RESCUE!”

In which Polly saves Packer’s life and reveals her
love…

POLLY
(From off)
Wait!
 115

(Polly runs on with a paper in her hand

and Lianne. She runs up to the
Sheriff.)
This is a stay of execution by the governor.

SHERIFF
What?! Why?!

POLLY
The events that this man is being hung for took place
before Colorado was made into a state. This was all
Ute Indian reservation. Packer cannot legally be tried
under state law.

[This is a true fact.]

CROWD
Awwwww!

MILLS
I’m afraid you’re out of line, Miss Pry.

POLLY
No, Mr. Mills. It is you who is out of line, since you
knew about this the entire trial.

CROWD
Oooooooh! (Asshole!)

MILLS
Polly, why are you doing this?

POLLY
Because I’ve learned something. About helping people,
instead of manipulating them.

[The moral of the story. Every episode of South Park ends with the “I’ve
learned something” speech. This is what Virginia Heffernan applauded in
her New York Times article, that regardless how absurd the events of the
episode may be, it all ties back in with a bit of moralizing.]

PACKER
Does this mean I’m not gonna die today?

POLLY
Yes. Yes, Alferd, it does.
 116

PACKER
Why did you go through all this trouble?

POLLY
You wanna know why?

PACKER
Yes.

[MUSIC CUE 18: WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU! (REPRISE)]

POLLY
YOUR EYES, YOUR SMILE
MAKE MY LITTLE LIFE WORTHWHILE
THERE’S NOWHERE I’D RATHER BE
IF YOU WERE ON TOP OF-

UNIT FIFTY-SIX – “DIE CHEEZEMO!”

In which Frenchy ruins the reunion, the Chief saves the
day, Lianne returns, and Packer realizes who really has
his heart…

(Frenchy pushes his way to Packer.)

FRENCHY
What the hell do you think you’re doing here, lady?
These people came to see some good violence, and by
golly, they’re gonna see some!

CROWD
Yeah!

FRENCHY
Die, Cheezmo!

(Frenchy pulls out his hunting knife and

is about to slit Alferd’s throat when
the Indian Chief runs on with his kitana
blade flourished. He comes between
Frenchy and Packer. Then he slices the
noose.)

CROWD
Hooray!

FRENCHY
Hey, you can’t do that, jerky.
 117

CHIEF
You are asshole, asshole! Banzai!!!

[I never figured out what was so funny about a guy saying “asshole” in
broken English.]

(Chief chases Frenchy offstage, we hear

a KA-CHUNK! Chief re-enters with
Frenchy’s head.)

PACKER
Chief, how did you get here?

CHIEF
Your friend told me you need help.

(Lianne is pushed on from offstage.)

PACKER
Lianne?

POLLY
I found her for you, Alferd.

PACKER
Here, girl!

(Lianne doesn’t move.)

POLLY
I’ll go get her.

PACKER
(Stopping her)
No, I don’t need her anymore. Hey, Chief, you want a
horse?

CHIEF
You don’t want horse?

[For somebody who didn’t like taking center stage, David seemed to have no
problem stealing focus as he attempted to mount the bike downstage right
during this.]

PACKER
No, I think I know what I want now.
 118

(He takes Polly’s hand)

Someone who really cares about me.

POLLY
There’s an appeal case to put on, Alferd. I have to go
back to Denver. But I’ll be back tomorrow.

PACKER
Gosh, how can I ever repay you?

POLLY
You already have, Alferd. You already have.

UNIT FIFTY-SEVEN – “THE HAPPY END”

In which everybody celebrates, except for Bell who is
still out for blood…

EL GATO
(Reappearing, as Tiny Tim)
God bless us, everyone!

[MUSIC CUE 19: SHPADOINKLE! (FINALE)]

POLLY
THE SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN

PACKER
MY HEART’S AS FULL AS A BAKED POTATO

DUO
I’M SURE YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN
WHEN I SAY IT’S A SHPADOINKLE DAY

ALL
WHEN WE SAY IT’S A SHPADOINKLE DAY!!!

(Polly and Packer lean in to kiss, but

are interrupted by THE RETURN OF THE
BLOODIED, WEAPON RIDDLED BELL!!! Big
Carrie Ending - everybody screams!!!)

[Regardless of my thesis project, I was going to work a chainsaw into it

somehow. One of my theatrical idols, actor/director/playwright Eddie “Levi”
Lee, has said, “There’s never been a play that couldn’t benefit from the
addition of a chainsaw.” So, when Bell returns for the final scare, he came in
with a chainsaw. The gas exhaust proved a problem for the relatively small
space of the Mondanaro, so we piped in the sound effect of the roar as Nate
 119

ran in spinning around. Since the show began with an homage to prologue of
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it ended with an homage to the final shot of
the same. And I finally got my chainsaw on stage. Shpadoinkle!]

END OF ACT TWO

[MUSIC CUE 20: BOWS/EXIT MUSIC!]