My short story series (Part 1): You’ve got to start somewhere…right.

Well it might as well

It had been at least three years since I had broken up with my latest girl friend and let’s just say I
wasn't counting the days or weeks or whatever one usually does to remember the days spent with
someone we thought that we couldn't imagine spending the rest of our lives without, but now,
can only see it as a time in our lives when love was wasted on who you thought was going to be
that special someone. But she or he had other plans. I know it never starts out that way. In the
beginning everything is new, love is in the air so to speak and both of you feel like it’s going to
last forever. Isn't that the trap though, we've been through this before but no matter how the last
relationship ended and no matter what we thought then, all is forgiven and we begin a new,
telling ourselves that this is surely the one, this is definitely going to last, and we are going to be
together forever. But not this time, not in this case for me. It has been three years of no
relationships, no true love, and no physical contact whatsoever. I don't know why but for some
reason this time it was different. This time I was fed up, this time I told myself no matter what I
was not going to settle on any part of a relationship, and unless I believed that I could be truly
happy in it, that I wouldn't even bother to take it any further let alone to even go on a first date
unless I felt we clicked initially. Now maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm selfish but anymore I feel as
though unless I am really in love with someone the word sex shouldn’t even be brought to the
table. To me unless the aspect of love is involved, sex just feels like a job to me. I have thoughts
like; "Is it over yet?" and afterwards, "I just got to get out of here." have often crossed my mind
when having sex with someone just because we both wanted to feel good at the time or just
because we were "exclusively" together. I sometimes feel like I am the only one on the planet
who hasn't ever really experienced true love and I also feel like I may never. I often tell people
that, "its ok if I never do, I would rather go through life alone and happy than with someone and
miserable." but don't really think I mean that when it comes down to it. Of course I would like to
find that special someone to spend my life with, who wouldn't right? This is a question I often
ask myself until something else undoubably takes my attention away and I move onto the next
thing putting the question of love in my life on the back burner until I have some time to myself
and start to examine my life.
Don't get me wrong I have a normal life if there is such a thing. I'm 39 average height and
weight, brown eyes and hair (longer) and I recently just moved back in with my mother to help
take care of her due to some medical issues. This is really weird for me since I haven't lived at
home since I was like 18 years old. Things don't change though let me tell you. I always hear the
"Make sure you wear a jacket." and the "You need to cut your hair." comments that I had heard
just about all my life growing up until the day I left. It’s really scary because sometimes I feel
when I go to sleep and then wake up I have somehow traveled back in time and I have to start
my life all over again from 12 years old. "Nooo!!! " I wake up screaming in a cold sweat
sometimes from the nightmare,. It's really not that bad. I'm exaggerating of course but it’s not
how I want to remember my 40th birthday, with my mother asking me if I took a shower today.
Matter of fact a true story. A friend of mine had come over with me to the house one day, she
wanted to meet my mother and I wanted my mother to meet her son Elvin who is my Godson.
Anyways to make a long story short right in front of my friend my mother proceeded to ask me if
I had changed my underwear that day. What could I say besides, "Yes, of course I had." The look
I got from my friend was like wow, and if that’s not bad and embarrassing enough, I think she
has told every friend she has this story as well. But anyway the reason for telling this story is just
to show that even if I wanted to there is no way on this earth that I would try to bring a female
into her house if not for any other reason just because of the fear of embarrassment of the
infamous underwear question.
I didn't really expect this story to be going into the direction that it is but I'm just gonna go with it
and see where I end up. So back to me I guess. I am a social guy that likes learning new things,
being original whenever possible and am constantly fighting the norm or the trend of the day.
For some reason I just can't seem to allow myself to be so shallow that I have to look to others to
see who I should be and how I should act. I am a music lover and while in most of the projects I
have been in I have sang, I also play the alto saxophone, the piano and the guitar. I love to
perform as well as record music and am just as at home on a stage in front of 3000 people as I
am in front of 2. When it comes to relationships I am really easy going I only ask three things;
One, don't disrespect me, treat me as you would want to be treated yourself. Two, do not cheat
on me, if you are feeling a certain way let me know don't let me find out. Three, when you go out
and you say you will be home at a certain time, if you can't make it just call and let me know.
This has nothing to do with jealousy and checking up on anybody, sorry I worry that’s all. Oh I
also forgot to add I know how to cook and am pretty good at it, I'm told, I also can do my own
laundry as well as be pretty handy around the house with stuff and kids I am great with kids as
well and have a daughter that is turning 20 in May and is in college right now doing great I might
add. (Proud Dad) moment) Sounds easy right, sounds like a dream guy right? Well so far no one
is knocking down my door, not that I'm out there looking or anything, but once in a while it
would be nice to know that someone was interested in me. Allot of it however is my fault though
honestly. For the past few years I have been really staying to myself, avoiding going places when
I'm invited and just hanging out in the house and not going anywhere whatsoever except to the
local Dunkin Donuts for coffee or to the WAWA down the street for cigarettes. I mean the only
other place I go is to North Philadelphia to see my Godson Elvin and let’s face it, me finding
someone down there who I would deem worth starting a relationship with would be slim.
Especially because the times that I am usually there the women I would even think about dating
are at work so I wouldn't see them anyways. Let’s face it, it seems like I am basically
unconsciously holding myself back from meeting someone, at least thats what I am getting out of
this story and its funny because until right now I never really saw it this way. Hmmmm maybe
writing this wasn't such a bad idea after all huh. Well I got to go I will write more later and
continue from where I left off promise...
Shawn.....

Next day….

See I told you I’d be back, so here I am and before I get back into the whole relationship thing
from yesterday I have to write this down. 
Well, I just got back from the ACME which for those not living in Pa is a local grocery store
owned by Albertsons, I’m sure most of you heard of them. Anyways I was just getting ready to
sit down and start writing when my cell phone rang. I was going to ignore it as I usually do when
I’m writing but since I hadn’t really started yet I turned it over and noticed it was my mother
calling. Now, she had left about an hour ago to do some light grocery shopping so I figured I
would have sometime to myself which, mind you is not very often unless you count the many
trips to the bathroom during the day, some for no reason at all except to have a minute of
privacy. (Like I said privacy here is rare.) So I answered the phone hoping that everything was
ok and that maybe she just had a question for me. No such luck. As is happens this ended up
being all my fault anyways. You see yesterday I had offered to do some of the shopping for her
and after returning home forgot to give her back her credit card that she uses for all her shopping
excursions. Thus the call was for me immediately to run over to the acme and give her the card
so she could finish her shopping. So I drove over to the acme and parked in front of the store
where she had requested we meet and sat there, and sat there, and sat there, and sat there some
more. Ok, I said to myself she’s getting older maybe she just forgot. Or maybe she just wrote a
check and left already cursing me all the way to her next grocery appointment. I had tried calling
her on the cell phone, no answer, and by this time angry patrons of the store were beginning to
stare at me as well as store employees started asking me to move. “Why?”, I said “ Who am I
blocking?” “This is a no parking or stopping zone!” said the cart collecting guy who was loosing
patience with me. So I informed him that I was waiting for my older mother to give her
something and she instructed me to meet her here. “I don’t care if the president of acme told you
to park here, now move it!, I had never been insulted or scolded by a 16 year old grocery cart
pusher before so I didn’t know quite how to react. So I yelled “Don’t you have some carts to
push for $3.00 an hour and then also said with fervor, “If you weren’t 16 years old I would kick
your ass!”…There that solved it. Now, the entire parking lot of ACME was looking at me like I
had just completely lost my mind and wondering if they should call 911 before I completely
blew up and turned this into the next big story on the 6 oclock news. I rolled up my window
turned on the air and tried to look like everything was fine and that I was never even mad in the
first place. Finally, my mother came walking out of the store and twords the car. As I rolled
down my window she said quietly and quickly, “I was on my way out to meet you, but someone
stopped me and said there was a crazy guy outside threatening people and that I should wait until
it was over for my own safety. “Really…”, I said “That’s just horrible.” “Sometimes I just can’t
believe the way some people act.” I know she said , I’m just glad you weren’t involved.” So
quickly I then passed her the card and sped off on my way back to the apartment before someone
filled her in on my psychotic episode to begin writing my entry. Whew I thought, and I didn’t
think I was going to have anything interesting to write about or have writers block today