EASY A

Written by

Bert V. Royal

Revisions by

Will Gluck

March 16, 2009

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

It's an average sized high school in an average sized town with

average sized cars in the parking lot. Yet there's something
special about it.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL - DAY

It's empty.

OLIVE (V.O.)
The rumors of my promiscuity have been
greatly exaggerated.

The bell rings and students pour out of the classrooms.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I used to be anonymous. A nothing. A
nonentity. Google Earth couldn't find
me if I was dressed up as a ten story
building. I know, pretty cutting edge
stuff, huh? A high school girl
feeling anonymous. Who am I? Why am
I here? Do I matter? Blah blah
snore. Don't worry, this isn't one of
those tales. But it sure started off
that way.

The camera starts to track a group among the masses. Olive

could be any one of a number of girls.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Let the record show that I, Olive
Penderghast, being of sound mind,
ample breast size and the occasional
corny knock knock joke, do enter this
into evidence in the case against me.
Because I'm being judged by a jury of
my peers, I will attempt to insert
'like' and 'totally' into my
confession as much as possible. I
will also end statements with a
question mark?

The masses turn a corner. Still crowded. Olive still

unidentified, but we're narrowing it down.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So here it goes... I confess I'm, in
no small part, to blame for all the
gossip that has turned my varsity
letter scarlet.
(MORE)
 2.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But -- for any guy hoping that the
sizzling details of my sordid past
will inspire you to lock the bathroom
door and 'do it to it' with your
sister's moisturizing lotion - you'll
be gravely disappointed. Not to
mention unsatisfied. And smelling
like hibiscus.

The group walks out the doors of the school.

EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Still in a group, now narrowed down to two girls.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I just need to set the record straight
and what better way to share my
private thoughts than to broadcast it
on the Internet.

One girl is now clearly the camera's muse. She's pretty,

fashionable, and carefree. As she walks off across the median
without a care in the world she bumps into... Olive (18) our
hero. She's pretty yet still blossoming. Books and papers go
flying. She gives chase.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

Olive speaks directly into a webcam atop her computer.

OLIVE
So, here it is: Part One.

She holds up pieces of paper on which she has written:

OLIVE (CONT'D)
The Shudder-Inducing-and-Clichéd,
However-Totally-False Account Of How I
Lost My Virginity To A Guy At A
Community College. And Lost my
Anonymity Along The Way. Let me just
begin by saying that there are two
sides to every story. This is my
side, the right one.
(beat)
Like, totally?

EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Olive continues to wrangle up her books and papers as her best

friend, Rhiannon (18) brash and usually angry, watches her
offering no help. A paper flies away and Olive crawls on all
fours after it.
 3.

RHIANNON
Fuck off! George is not a 'sexy'
name. George is like what you name
your teddy bear, not the name you
wanna scream out during climax.

The paper is stopped in flight by a large sneaker. Olive looks

up and sees it belongs to Mr. Griffin (early 30s) a handsome but
hopelessly goofy English teacher.

MR. GRIFFIN
I hope by climax, you weren't talking
about--

OLIVE
(covering)
The stable and self-perpetuating
endstage in the evolution of a plant
community. Like "by George, that tree
has reached the final stage of
ecological succession!"

RHIANNON
And it only took twenty seconds.

Mr. Griffin doesn't buy it, but is charmed by Olive's attempt.

MR. GRIFFIN
Hit the books. They don't hit back.

He heads back toward the school's entrance. He sees some STONER

SKATEBOARDERS, leaning on the front steps. They stare at him
with the same indifference all the students do.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Mr. Griffin is one of those sweetly
intense guys who could've had any job
in the world after college but instead
became a teacher 'cause he thinks
"youth is our most precious resource."
Which is weird, 'cause if you think
about it, oil is our most precious
resource. Followed closely by potable
water and then Jake and Maggie
Gyllenhaal.

Mr. Griffin takes a cigarette out of one of the kids' hands,

inhales it, then blows it out on a napkin. He shows the
resulting brown tar mark on the napkin a la "this is what you're
doing to your lungs."

OLIVE
There are lots of sexy Georges.
 4.

RHIANNON
Name three.
(cutting her off)
Besides Clooney. Too easy.

OLIVE
Shouldn't he alone be enough?

RHIANNON
Fine. That's one. Number two?

OLIVE
Okay. George... um... Reeves!

RHIANNON
Who's that?

OLIVE
Superman. From way back. He was hot.

RHIANNON
No fucking way. Teddy bear.

OLIVE
Fine. George Stephanopolous. Bam.

RHIANNON
Ew. How does having beaver fever for
Hillary Clinton make you sexy?

OLIVE
They never had sex. He was her
adviser.

RHIANNON
Really? I thought they knocked mops.

OLIVE
No, but that's kind of a hot couple.
I wonder who'd wear the pantsuit in
that relationship.

RHIANNON
Just face it. There's no such thing
as a sexy George.

OLIVE
Well, mine is. So, I think we should
just put this conversation to bed.

RHIANNON
Fine. Don't come camping with us.
Just know that I fucking hate you.

Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts.

 5.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

Olive speaks into her webcam.

OLIVE
Okay. Here's the thing. Rhi's
parents are a little... peculiar.

INT. ABERNATHY KITCHEN - DAY

Olive and Rhiannon eat at the dining room table with Rhi's
parents in a long uncomfortable silence. A lot of liquor has
been drunk.

OLIVE
This is delicious, Mrs. Abernathy.

MRS. ABERNATHY
Thank you, sweetheart. That means the
world to me.

Mrs. Abernathy smiles and reaches for the bottle. She drunkenly
knocks over Olive's glass. Mr. Abernathy drunkenly goes to help
her and knocks over his glass. He starts laughing hysterically
as Mrs. Abernathy throws down her napkin and stalks into the
kitchen.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Who am I kidding? Rhi's parents are
straight up alkies. I feel bad for
her but if she was a true friend,
she'd understand why I refused to take
part in another one of their Virginia
Woolf psychodramas.

EXT. MAIN STREET PARK - DAY

Olive and Rhiannon sit with their feet in a fountain sucking

down sodas.

RHIANNON
Please. Please. I'm begging you.
I'll pay you.

OLIVE
Rhi, I can't go camping with your
family. I told you, I have a date.

RHIANNON
With who?

OLIVE
You don't know him.
 6.

RHIANNON
And neither do you, you selfish bitch.

OLIVE
I'm serious. He goes to college with
my brother.

RHIANNON
What's his name then?

OLIVE
You know my brother's name.

RHIANNON
Stop stalling. You're totally trying
to come up with a name. Admit it.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
I'm not proud of this. Less about the
lie and more about the unoriginality
of it. Have you ever watched "The
Brady Bunch?" Of course you have-- if
you're watching this you're clearly a
sophisticate. But Rhi hasn't. She's
too busy watching fake people pretend
to be real people on MTV. That's why
I knew I could get away with it. See,
there was this episode where Jan, the
awkward middle child, made up a
boyfriend to avoid the ridicule of her
snatchy sister who'd just stolen the
heart of the boy who Jan loved. The
name of her imaginary boyfriend was--

EXT. MAIN STREET PARK - CONTINUOUS

OLIVE
George Glass.

RHIANNON
George? What kind of name is George?

OLIVE
He's pretty hot and he asked me out
this weekend, so I said yes.

RHIANNON
If you're choosing him over helping me
cope for two days in the wilderness
with Ma and Pa Kettle One he had
better be the shit.
(MORE)
 7.
RHIANNON (CONT'D)
You'd better fucking marry him, have
fucking babies with him and then
fucking take him for everything he's
worth.

OLIVE
You make it sound so romantic.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Even though we now hate each other,
Rhi, I really hope you're watching
this. Because this part's for you.
The lurid details of my weekend en
flagrante delicto with the all-too-
imaginary, yet surprisingly satisfying
George Glass.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Olive watches "The Brady Bunch" on MUTE. The song on the radio
turns to "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield. Olive
winces at the song.

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
I got a pocket, got a pocket full of
sunshine. I got a love and I know
that it's all mine. Oh, oh, oh.

OLIVE
(to herself)
Ugh. Worst song ever.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

Olive paints her toenails Jungle Red. She's quietly humming,

unaware that she's doing it.

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
Do what you want, but you never gonna
break me. Sticks and stones are never
gonna shake me. Oh, oh, oh.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THAT AFTERNOON

She picks up a magazine with Ryan Gosling on the cover. She's

doodled a picture of herself hand-in-hand with him. She starts
to paint the stick figure's toes red. She's now singing along--

OLIVE/NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
Take me away. A secret place. A
sweet escape. Take me away to better
days. Take me away. A hiding place.
 8.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT

Olive stands on her chair, dusting the top corners of her rooms
as she sings--

OLIVE/NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
I got a pocket, got a pocketful of
sunshine. I got a love and I know
that it's all mine. Oh, oh, oh. Do
what you want, but you never gonna
break me...

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

She's eating a bowl of cereal in her underwear, reading the

newspaper online. She drinks out of an orange juice carton.

OLIVE
Wish that you could, but you ain't
gonna own me. Do anything you can to
control me. Oh, oh, oh.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THAT EVENING

Olive dances around and sings like crazy--

OLIVE
Take me away. Take me away. Take me
away to better days. Take me away. A
hiding place!

She trips over her chair and crashes into the floor.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
But on Monday, when Rhi asked me how
my weekend was...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Olive and Rhi walk to class, weaving in and out of people.

OLIVE
It was nothing short of perfection.

RHIANNON
Are you limping? Sweet.

OLIVE
Get your head out of the gutter. I
strained my vastus intermedius doing
yoga with him. Did I mention he does
yoga?
 9.

RHIANNON
You didn't mention anything. I want
details, bitch. Wait, first I need a
scope of reference. Who would play
him in the movie of your life?

OLIVE
Ryan Gosling, definitely.

RHIANNON
That works. Continue.

OLIVE
He was charming. A real gentleman.

RHIANNON
Are you going to see him again?

OLIVE
Probably not. It was just one of
those weekends.

RHIANNON
The whole weekend?

OLIVE
Yeah.

Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her.

RHIANNON
Wait a minute. You didn't...

OLIVE
No, of course not.

RHIANNON
You fucking liar! You totally lost
your V-card to him!

Students stop in their tracks and stare.

OLIVE
I did not.

RHIANNON
Yes you did! You lying fucking whore!

Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show.

RHIANNON
Tell me everything and spare me the
coquettish "just-the-tip" bullshit. I
know you did it! I know you let him
put it inside you, so just tell me!
 10.

OLIVE
I'm not that kind of girl.

RHIANNON
The kind that does it or the kind that
does it like a fucking porn star and
then doesn't have the lady balls to
tell her best friend.

Rhi drags her into the bathroom.

INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS

She aggressively gets up in Olive's face.

RHIANNON
I want every perverted detail. Now,
bitch.

OLIVE
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
It's not technically a term of
endearment.

RHIANNON
I want every detail. Now, mother
fucker.

OLIVE
Not heading in the right direction.

Rhiannon tightens her grip. Pressured, Olive lies.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Okay. Fine. We did it.

RHIANNON
You lost your virginity! Fucking
finally! Now, you're a super-slut
like me!

OLIVE
Blowing Peter Tolliver once behind a
Bed Bath & Beyond doesn't make you a
super-slut.

RHIANNON
There were people walking past.
Someone could've easily seen.
Whatever, this isn't about me. It's
about you. What did you let him do?

OLIVE (V.O.)
I started piling on lie after lie. It
was like setting up Jenga.
 11.

OLIVE
It was... normal. Nothing freaky. It
was sweet. He was sweet. Okay,
that's enough.

The toilet flushes and Marianne Bryant (18) an Aryanesque,

cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks to
the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands. All the while
staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust.

RHIANNON
What the fuck are you looking at,
Sister Christian?

MARIANNE
Just a couple of admitted whores.

Marianne wipes her hands and exits. Olive's stomach revolves at

her now-turned-public admission.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is
the President of the Christian Student
Coalition and is that rare breed of
human being born with a real live
stick up her ass. God's honest. I'm
pretty sure it's in some medical
dictionary somewhere.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - LAST YEAR - DAY

Marianne and her lackey, Nina (18) who's just as awful as she
is, pass out flyers to students. They've set up a tent like all
religious groups do.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Last year's cause celébre was the
changing of the school mascot, which
she spearheaded.

Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing

students faces.

INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - DAY

The school's mascot (17) a shirtless muscular kid painted blue

and costumed as a devil, bursts into the auditorium and begins
to rile up students by thrusting his pitchfork in the air.

MASCOT
Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue
Devils!
 12.

The crowd goes wild.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY LAST YEAR - DAY

Marianne, standing in front of another religious tent,

melodramatically grabs a passing student by the arm as she
passes out flyers.

MARIANNE
How can we exhibit school pride when
we're conveyed to others as Satan
worshippers?

The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Now, thankfully, we're the much less
intimidating--

INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER - DAY

The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into

the gym dressed as a--

MASCOT
Woodchucks! Go Woodchucks!

The school band starts playing "Knock on Wood" by Wilson

Pickett. He picks up a foam piece of wood and pantomimes
gnawing it a la a woodchuck. Then he blows "sawdust" out of his
hand and confetti goes flying. He can't seem to get himself or
the student body as excited - with the exception of Marianne and
Nina, in the stands applauding proudly. Across the gym, Olive
sits with Rhiannon.

RHIANNON
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

OLIVE
Beats the hell out of me. But can we
just take a moment to applaud the
Marching Band for their very ambitious
effort to learn every song with the
word "wood" in it? Kudos!

RHIANNON
I think I speak for all of the female
students and faculty, and maybe a
couple of males, when I say that I
liked Todd much better when he was
shirtless. I actually looked forward
to these disturbing displays of-- what
do they call it?
 13.

OLIVE
School spirit.

RHIANNON
Yeah. That's it. The decline of 21st
century adolescence can be defined in
those two simple, oxymoronic words.

OLIVE
Even dressed as a woodchuck, I still
fantasize about him.

RHIANNON
Ha! What are those people called
again? The ones that dress up like
stuffed animals when they do it?

OLIVE
Republicans.

RHIANNON
(laughs)
Shhh. They'll hear you. They're all
around us.

The band segues into "If I Ever Had to Knock on Wood" by the
Mighty Bosstones.

RHIANNON (CONT'D)
Yeah, I'd totally fuck Woodchuck Todd.

OLIVE
God, I want a boyfriend.

They both get lost in thought. Olive pops out of her trance and
shakes herself off. She jumps up and yells in an ironically
huge sign of school spirit--

OLIVE
Yay, our school! Go our school!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Olive loads books into her locker.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, of course, immediately I knew that
the little white lie I told to my then-
best-friend in the ladies room would
come back to bite me on the ass.
However, even I, who my fourth grade
teacher stated on my report card "has
an imagination that should be quickly
expunged," had no idea how quickly
this article of fiction would spread.
 14.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
So, now we move on to Part Two:

She holds up a paper with the title written on--

OLIVE (CONT'D)
The Accelerated Velocity of
Terminological Inexactitude.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Olive looks up and sees a few kids whispering and looking at

her. Then one of them peels off and tells another group
something as one girl in the first group gets out her cellphone
and starts texting away. The CAMERA goes into HYPERDRIVE and
zooms around the hallway at the speed of rumor. Every one stays
in real time as the camera goes in FAST MOTION and delivers the
gossip, darting down the hallway, up the stairs, down another
hallway, out a window, down to the parking lot, across to the
football field, through the locker rooms, out another door,
around the back of the school, through the cafeteria, into a few
classrooms, down the stairs, and back through the hallway. It
lands back on a perfectly still Olive. We RESUME real motion.
Marianne and Nina walk over to Olive.

MARIANNE
Maybe next time a certain someone will
be a little more careful what she says
in the water closet.

OLIVE
Listen, about that. It's not what you
think. Can I speak to you alone?

Nina gives Marianne an "is it okay?" Look. Marianne responds

with "it's fine." Then Nina pats her heart and kisses her hand.
Marianne returns the super queer gesture. She turns back to
Olive who looks confused by this display of queerness.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
What you heard in the bathroom, that
wasn't true. It's actually a funny
story. Have you ever watched "The
"Brady Bunch?"

MARIANNE
Olive. That's your name, right?

OLIVE
Yeah, and you're Marianne. We've been
in nine classes together since
kindergarten.
(MORE)
 15.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Ten if you count Religion of Other
Cultures. Which you didn't because
you called it "Science Fiction" and
refused to go.

MARIANNE
I'm not the one you have to answer to
for your depraved behavior. There is
a higher power who will judge you for
your indecency.

OLIVE
Tom Cruise?

MARIANNE
I hope for your sake, God has a sense
of humor.

OLIVE
Oh, I have seventeen years worth of
anecdotal proof that He does.

Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of

guys, who are looking at Olive, intrigued. Olive is not happy
about this.

MARIANNE
You've made your bed. I just hope for
your sake, you cleaned the sheets.

She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind.

OLIVE
Did I just get saved?

She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking
past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her.

GUY IN HALL
Hey, Olive. How's it going?

OLIVE
I'm swell, guy-I've-never-talked-to-
before. Thanks for asking.

OLIVE (V.O.)
All I could think to myself was, great
now I'm a slut. I'm going to have to
get a lower back tattoo and pierce
something not on my face.

Battling her frustration, she shoves the doors open and heads
outside.
 16.

INT. OLIVE'S HOUSE DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Olive eats dinner with her family. Father Dill, mother

Rosemary, and Olive's African-American sister, Ginger (10).

OLIVE
Hey, you guys know that I was here all
weekend, right?

They all ad-lib yes.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
And you would testify to that?

DILL
Hell, yeah. We'd take a bullet for
you, honey. Right between the eyes.

OLIVE
That's not necessary. But it is
comforting.

GINGER
(to Olive)
I like your top.

OLIVE
It's Costco. You can have it when you
fill out.

GINGER
I'm never gonna fill out.

ROSEMARY
Of course you will, baby. I didn't
until I was fourteen. Nor did Olive.

GINGER
But I'm adopted.

DILL
(slams his hand down in
mock shock)
Huh! Who told you?! We were waiting
for the right time!
(to Rosemary)
Did you tell her? We discussed this.
We had a timetable! We read all the
books, we were gonna do it right,
lessen the shock!

Ginger rolls her eyes.

 17.

ROSEMARY
The timing of pubescence is nurture
not nature, sweety. They've done
studies.

GINGER
Who would study that?

DILL
Every nerd scientist in the world.

ROSEMARY
(to Olive)
What's going on, honey? Why do you
need us to take a bullet if anyone
asks if you were here all weekend?

OLIVE
It's nothing. Just the rumor mill.

ROSEMARY
What's the rumor mill churning out
these days.

OLIVE
It's nothing.

DILL
Don't forget your brother's staying
here next weekend.

OLIVE
Why? He never comes home.

ROSEMARY
They're fumigating the dorms. And
thank god for that. Last time I was
there I saw three cockroaches.

GINGER
Mom, don't say that word while I'm
eating!

ROSEMARY
Sorry. Roaches.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Like most families, mine has a deep
dark secret. And since I'm spilling
all this dirt, I might as well go
ahead and confess it. Okay, here
goes: My dad's name is Dill and my
mother's name is Rosemary. They were
so amused by this they decided to name
all their children after edible items.
(MORE)
 18.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
My brother's name is Kale and my
sister's name is Ginger. The
Penderghasts are a veritable pantry.

Rosemary serves more food to everyone and they continue eating

and laughing. It's clear they really enjoy each other.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I know it's weird, but at least they
didn't give us douchy hipster names
like Bronx or Jezebel or Roman. I
swear, you yell "Roman" in a
playground these days, ten little
rugrats look up at their unimaginative
parents reading Us Weekly.

They all burst out laughing at something. Rosemary leans over

and kisses Dill. Olive and Ginger get up from the table and
start clearing the dishes.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Anyway, back to the story.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLS - DAY

As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally

different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are checking
her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully. She's kind of
digging it.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Remember how I told you Google Earth
couldn't find me if I was a ten story
building? Well, the next day it
could've found me if I was dressed as
a needle at a haystack convention.

More guys come up to her and give the "you're hot" nod.

OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

I was now the center of attention and
it felt pretty damn good. If I'd
known losing my virginity would've
created such a new awesome persona for
myself, I'd have lied about it back in
eighth grade. Eighth grade sucked.

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - SEVERAL YEARS AGO - NIGHT

Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Green Day.

A preteen party in full force is visible through the windows.

 19.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

12-14 year-old kids are lounging around everywhere. One group

plays pass-the-orange-under-your-neck. Another plays spin-the-
bottle.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I did get my first kiss back then,
however. It was gross and kind of
turned me off to the whole my-tongue-
in-other-people's-mouths thing. Not
to mention the even-worse other-
people's-tongues-in-my-mouth thing.
Seriously, who invented kissing and
why do people want to do it so much?
It's not like that's how we procreate.
Back then I didn't know that of
course.

WE PUSH through some kids assembled outside a closet, giggling.

We push past them and through the keyhole to--

INT. CLOSET - CONTINUOUS

In almost complete darkness, a very nervous eighth grade Olive

sits with a scared shitless eighth grade kid. You can hear
other kids snickering and whispering outside the door.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

I think this is the part where you're
supposed to stick your tongue in my
mouth. It's just what I've heard.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

Just give me a second, okay?

Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

According to my watch, you have 382 of
them.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

How do you do that?

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

What?

EIGHTH GRADE KID

Add so fast. And you also talk like a
grown up.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Don't worry. I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.
 20.

The kid giggles. He feels a little more at ease.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

I think it's just practice. For when
I do grow up. Plus, don't sweat it.
Girls mature faster than boys.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

That's what they say.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

And it's probably the reason I'm ready
to do this and you're not.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

Is it that obvious?

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Painfully so.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

So, if we didn't do anything, would
you tell everybody?

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Absolutely. I will tell everyone you
pussed out and the whole school will
make fun of you and you'll most likely
spend the rest of your teen years as a
joke. No, even worse: a cautionary
tale.

They both laugh.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The
Girl.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

They'll tell it for years. It'll be a
suburban legend.

The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

Thanks, Olive.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Don't mention it.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

No. You don't mention it.

She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they swear
on it.
 21.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

We still have five minutes and thirty
six seconds.

There's a long silence.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

I'm really interested in politics.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Oh yeah?

EIGHTH GRADE KID

Totally.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

What do you think about Alberto
Gonzales as the new Attorney General?
I have my doubts, but anything's
better than that bible-banger
Ashcroft, right?

EIGHTH GRADE KID

(thrown)
I'm more into, uh, school politics.
Like, uh, trying to get the cafeteria
to bring back Klondike Bar-Fridays.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Oh. Cool. That's also important.

There's another long silence. Then--

PRETEEN KID (O.S.)

Ew! Hunter Nesbitt just puked on the
piano!

The kid looks through the keyhole and sees everyone scurry away.

EIGHTH GRADE KID

Thank God.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Hey, we're in junior high. Vomit-
viewing always trumps spit-swapping.

The kid opens the door but Olive stops him.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

Real fast, and you can tell me the
truth, It's not because I'm--

EIGHTH GRADE KID

(smiles)
No. You're very pretty.
 22.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE

I was going to say "eccentric," but
I'll take it.

He kisses her on the cheek and darts from the closet. Olive
sits there for a moment, contemplating what just happened,
wondering if he was telling the truth. Then she opens the door.
Just then a boy runs past holding out a cell phone--

BOY
Hunter Nesbitt booted on the piano!
I'm gonna get it up on YouTube!

Olive aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the closet. She
thrusts her tongue into his mouth and they make out.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY - DAY

Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and the
task at hand.

OLIVE
(into webcam)
If I'd known Woodchuck Todd was going
to turn out so hot, I probably would
have cherished the moment more. I
suppose the fact that I'm sitting here
reminiscing about it means that it
must have meant something.
(beat)
So anyway: kissing's not really my
thing. That's what I learned in the
closet at the forever to be called
Hunter-Nesbitt-Puked-on-the-Piano
Party. It's up on YouTube if you have
any interest. I digress...
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher Mr.

Griffin lectures on Nathaniel Hawthorne. The blackboard is
filled with everything "The Scarlet Letter." The other kids are
more interested in staring at Olive. Some even pass her notes.
Which she demurely accepts.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass
'cause everyone thinks I've been
deflowered. I was surprised at how
empowered I felt by this lie. I
wondered if I would feel this
invigorated if I'd actually let some
college kid defile me in his cockroach-
infested dorm room? Probably not.
 23.

MR. GRIFFIN
If Nathaniel Hawthorne were alive
today I bet he'd be a white rapper:
Stealing trends and ideas from other
more talented but less legitimate
people, then putting it forth in a non-
threatening more established package--
(raps)
Adultery, vengeance, forbidden actions
of passion. Society judging don't
never go out of fashion. Put an 'A'
on your sweater 'cause you're a
married-man go-getter!
(beat boxes)

OLIVE (V.O.)
Ironically, as you can see by Mr.
Griffin's misguided attempt to
"relate," we were studying "The
Scarlet Letter." Isn't that always
the way with these teenage tales? The
books you read in class always seems
to have a strong connection with
whatever angsty adolescent drama is
going on. I consider this. Then I
think: Except for "Huckleberry Finn."
I don't know any teenage boys who've
ever run away with a big, hulking
black guy.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY - DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Maybe it's because we were reading
this book that I did what I did.
Thank God we weren't reading "The
Crucible." I might've gotten involved
in witchcraft and been stoned by my
classmates. Anyway, for those of you
who haven't read "The Scarlet Letter"
and those of you who said you have but
really didn't, here's all you need to
know. Footage courtesy of Demi Moore
and Buena Vista Pictures Distribution.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE CHURCH - DAY

Scene of 1995 version of "The Scarlet Letter." Demi Moore as

Hester Prynne stands in the stocks as the townsfolk jeer. She
has a red "A" stitched to her coat.
 24.

OLIVE (V.O.)
This girl named Hester Prynne has an
affair with a minister, is besmirched
and made to wear a red 'A' for
adulterer. But then the town realizes
she was too harshly judged, that she's
a really good person, and she dies a
saint.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
A whole bunch of other stuff happens,
too. If you have a test on it don't
rent the movie, it's "freely adapted"
which means it's got nothing to do
with the book. Just do the right
thing and Wikipedia it.

INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Back in the classroom, Mr. Griffin ends his rap.

MR. GRIFFIN
P to the E to the N to the I to the
Tence. Penitence! No wonder Hester
Prynne rhymes with sin. Holler!

Looks around the room.

MR. GRIFFIN
Alright, so thoughts on the chapter
you read last night?

Nothing. Mr. Griffin notices someone texting in class. He

takes the cell phone and turns it off.

MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)

Do you know what George Bernard Shaw
said about learning?

TEXTING STUDENT
Uh... No.

MR. GRIFFIN
If you have an apple and I have an
apple and we exchange these apples
then you and I will still each have
one apple. But if you have an idea
and I have an idea and we exchange
these ideas, then each of us will have
two ideas.
 25.

TEXTING STUDENT
Uh... Okay?

He turns the phone off and hands it back to the student.

MR. GRIFFIN
Keep your apples, man. Let's exchange
ideas. Semi colon closed parenthesis.

Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her.

NINA
I think Hester Prynne was, excuse my
language, a whore.

MR. GRIFFIN
You don't see her as a victim?

NINA
Why should I? She brought it on
herself.

Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her.

OLIVE
Excuse me?

NINA
Perhaps you should embroider a red A
on your wardrobe?

OLIVE
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe, you
twat!

The class bursts into laughter. Even Mr. Griffin tries hard to
suppress a congratulatory glance in her direction.
OLIVE
Admittedly, not my best line. But it
was provocative enough to land me in
the principal's office.

Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts

writing something on a piece of paper.

INT. FRONT OFFICE - HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the principal's

office. She clenches a note in her fist. Marianne, who's an
office aid, has a smirk on her face as she watches Olive squirm.
She slams her fist down on the stapler, repetitively.
 26.

MARIANNE
Seems as if someone's on a downward
spiral.

OLIVE
Seems as if someone's practicing the
mundane activities she'll be saddled
with the rest of her pathetic life.

MARIANNE
You have a chip on your shoulder the
size of Canaan.

OLIVE
Is that big...or small? I'm sorry, I
don't watch cartoons.

MARIANNE
You're going to hell.

OLIVE
As long as you won't be there...

MARIANNE
Oh, I can assure you I won't.

Neither says anything for a few moments.

MARIANNE
I hope you at least had the good sense
to use protection.

OLIVE
Why? Your parents didn't.

MARIANNE
You know, you're just like--
The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and
continues her work. Two kids emerge. One, obviously, a bully;
the other, obviously, the bullied. The bullied kid is holding a
bloody tissue up to his nose. He and Olive exchange meaningful
glances. Principal Gibbons, a colossal prick disguised as a
man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and throws one
of Marianne and Nina's queer touching-your-heart gestures at
Marianne. Marianne scowls.

INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Olive is seated across from Principal Gibbons. He holds his

hand out and she gives him the note Mr. Griffin's note. Gibbons
studies it.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
I don't know you.
 27.

She thrusts her hand out.

OLIVE
Olive Penderghast. Twelfth grade.
Cholesterol 185. But most of it's the
good kind.

He eyes her hand, not amused. She withdraws it in a hip-hop

snake move segueing into a robot.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Why are we just now meeting? Using
language like this should have
warranted a visit to me years ago.

OLIVE
Well, to be perfectly honest, I've
never used an epithet like this in an
educational arena before. Sir.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
This is foul.

OLIVE
In my defense, I think I meant to say
'twit.' It just came out more -
what's the word I'm looking for?
Veracious.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Someone with such an extensive
vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to
such vituperations.

OLIVE
(smiling)
Touché.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Wipe that smile off your face. I
don't tolerate this kind of language.
If I find out you've used a word like
this in my school again, it will be
your last. This isn't one of those
creative-hippy schools where teachers
are called by their first names and
parents "help out in the classroom"
and students are "partners in
learning." You get sent here once
more and you're out on your ass. Get
me?

She starts to say something--

 28.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D)

Think very carefully before you speak.

She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes.

OLIVE
I always do. Can I go?

He gestures to the door.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Detention tomorrow after school. I
don't want to see you again.

OLIVE
Not even in a more positive capacity?
Maybe I'll win a ribbon or a medal or
a Presidential Physical Fitness Award.
Do they still give those? Judging
from the deal you made with Jack in
the Box to pay for the new scoreboard
in the football stadium, I'm guessing
not. So what if kids get imprinted
and start eating a high-fat diet at a
young age, the important thing is we
all know how much time is left in the
fourth quarter and what yard line the
ball is on. Can I get a what-what?

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Get out of my office.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Olive sulks down the hall. She turns the corner and finds
herself stride for stride with Woodchuck Todd. He's wearing his
woodchuck suit, but without the head.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Hey, Olive.

OLIVE
(re: his costume)
The illusion is shattered. This is
exactly why they put you in the gas
chamber if you take your head off at
Disneyworld.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Actually I think they just fire you.
You're thinking of Disneyland.
Disneyworld is much more liberal.
 29.

OLIVE
Oh, yeah. That's right. Disneyworld
went blue in the last election.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Are you going to Melanie Bostic's
party?

OLIVE
I hadn't planned on it.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. Rehearsal dinner.

They've reached the end of the hall. Todd peels off.

WOODCHUCK TODD
See ya. Stay excellent.

OLIVE
(a bit thrown)
You, too.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY

Olive opens the doors to find Rhiannon waiting for her. Rhi
runs up the stairs to her.

RHIANNON
Please tell me the rumors are true.

OLIVE
Yes, I'm a big fat whore.

RHIANNON
Not that one. The one where you got
suspended for calling Nina Howell a
cunt and then punching her in the left
tit.

OLIVE
I worry about the way information
circulates at this school.
(then)
There's something I need to tell you.

RHIANNON
Yeah. Like the exact moment you
turned into such a bad ass? I think
I'm in love with you. Please tell me
you at least left a mark on that
scrunched-up face of hers. Pow!
 30.

OLIVE
Would you listen to me? It's not
true.

RHIANNON
It wasn't the left tit? Was it the
right one? I always pegged you for a
southpaw.
(shadow boxes)
Pow pow pow!

OLIVE
Rhi!

RHIANNON
"In this corner, the world
featherweight champion best friend of
the world... Olive Penderghast!"
(makes crowd noise)

OLIVE
(frustrated)
Never mind.

Rhiannon pulls out her car keys as they walk to her car.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I want a car.

RHIANNON
It's my only perk. Trust me.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having
family dinner.

OLIVE
I got sent to the principal today.

ROSEMARY
Did you win a medal or something?

OLIVE
Not exactly.

DILL
What happened?

OLIVE
I used inappropriate language in
English class.
(MORE)
 31.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
But we're reading a book that I,
personally, deem wildly inappropriate
for my age group, so I felt that it
was actually quite apropos.

ROSEMARY
What did you say?

Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying the
word out loud.

OLIVE
Let's just say it was an inappropriate
word.

DILL
What did it start with?

OLIVE
A snide comment from a snotty girl in
my class.

DILL
I meant what letter did it start with.

OLIVE
Oh. T.

ROSEMARY
T? T. Let me think.

ROSEMARY/DILL
(trying to figure it out)
T. T. T? T. T. T. T. T? T. T.

DILL
Oh! No, that's a D.

ROSEMARY
Is this one of those new curse words?

DILL
Ooh! Was it--?

He leans over and whispers something in Olive's ear.

OLIVE
I don't even know what that means.

ROSEMARY
Okay. Noun, adjective or verb?
 32.

OLIVE
Noun. Definitely slang. Think
British, although they pronounce it
differently.

DILL
British. Is it shag? Bugger?

ROSEMARY
Yob? Frast? Nunt?

OLIVE
Now you're just saying sounds.

DILL
I'm stumped. Whisper it in my ear.

OLIVE
I can't. Too weird.

ROSEMARY
Ooh! Spell it with your peas!

DILL
Yeah, yeah! With your peas, your
peas!

OLIVE
I'll take that challenge.

She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate.

DILL
Does this have anything to do with
this rumor you were talking about the
other night?

Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues to

manipulate her food.

DILL (CONT'D)
Is there something you want to tell
us, kiddo?

OLIVE
I'm spelling it out for you as quickly
as I can.

GINGER
(desperate for attention)
I got a B plus on my spelling test
today!
 33.

ROSEMARY
Good, sweetheart. But everything has
spellcheck these days anyway.

DILL
Writing's a dying art. And you know
what I say to that? Die, art, die.
You've overstayed your welcome. Don't
let the door hit ya where the good
Lord split ya.

ROSEMARY
(re: peas)
I got it!

She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in

understanding.

GINGER
(off Olive's plate)
What's a twat?

Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile.

DILL
It's a word that will get you sent to
the principal's office.

ROSEMARY
It's not a good word, honey.
(to Olive)
So, what was the principal like?

OLIVE
The male equivalent.

ROSEMARY
Of what?

Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods in

understanding.

DILL
Well, it's the first time since second
grade, so I guess we can't be too hard
on you.

OLIVE
(genuinely curious)
What would my punishment have been
otherwise?

DILL
I don't know. To bed without supper?
 34.

OLIVE
I'm already finished. Except for my
helpful and profane peas.

ROSEMARY
(thinking)
Uhh... No makeup? No cell phone? No
dating?

OLIVE
I only wear chapstick, I already used
up all my anytime minutes, and as for
dating-- my complete lack of allure
already shot that horse in the face.

DILL
Fine. I'd take away your...

OLIVE
Magazines? Books? Computer?

ROSEMARY
Yes! Your computer! Nice!

OLIVE
All my homework's on there. Sorry,
you lose. But thanks for playing.

DILL
See? We're lucky this isn't a common
occurrence.

Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek.

OLIVE
I think we all are. I wouldn't know
how to be grounded any more than you
know how to ground.

DILL
I love you.
(whispers)
And I'm sure that girl was acting like
exactly what you called her.

OLIVE
(whispers back)
You have no idea.

She kisses her mom on the cheek and retreats upstairs.

GINGER
How come you guys never get mad at
her?
 35.

ROSEMARY
Because, pumpkin, of our three darling
children, we love her best.

She and Dill erupt in laughter.

ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Just kidding! Now eat your dinner.

Ginger is not amused.

DILL
We keep it fun around here don't we?

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
The next day things took a turn for
the scandalous.
(holds up papers)
Which brings us to Part Three: A
Lady's Choice and a Gentleman's
Agreement.

She smiles slyly into her camera.

EXT. SIDE OF THE GYM - DAY

Olive paints over graffiti on the side of the gym. She's

dressed a little racier and is starting to look pretty hot. The
bullied kid, seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day
before, is painting alongside her. Both are bored to tears.

BULLIED KID
This isn't detention. It's community
service.

OLIVE
Principal Pap Smear thinks the
punishment should fit the crime.

BULLIED KID
Aren't there child labor laws about
this?

OLIVE
Not in high school. The principal is
like the captain of a ship in
international waters. He reigns
supreme. He can even marry people.

They continue to paint. Olive laughs to herself.

 36.

BULLIED KID
What?

OLIVE
I was just thinking it's kind of
funny. We haven't really talked since
the great closet incident of eighth
grade.

BULLIED KID
I was afraid you were going to bring
that up.

OLIVE
So how have you been, Brandon?

BRANDON
Fabulous. I'm crushing it.
Everything according to plan. I want
to be in detention.

OLIVE
Yeah, why are you here? From the
amount of blood I saw gushing out your
nose I thought you were the bullied.

BRANDON
You'd think. But Gibbons is a
homophobe. Which is why I called him
a fascist.

OLIVE
So the rumors are true, huh?

BRANDON
Uh, have you ever met me?
OLIVE
I kind of guessed it that night in the
closet. I remember thinking to
myself, "this isn't the first time
this kid's going to go bursting out of
the closet."

BRANDON
Gold star for you, Nancy Drew.

EXT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - A LITTLE LATER

They continue to paint over graffiti.

BRANDON
So, what's with your new look? It's
very whore couture.
 37.

OLIVE
(proudly)
Haven't you heard? I'm the new school
slut!

BRANDON
You know I did hear something. I also
heard he was twice your age.

OLIVE
No way. He's a freshman in college.

BRANDON
Also heard he gave you crabs.

OLIVE
Ewwww. People suck.

BRANDON
Tell me about it.
(then)
I didn't even think crabs existed any
more. I thought it was like rickets
or scurvy.

OLIVE
Oh, it still exists. Nothing can wipe
out crabs. It's like the Cadillac of
sexually transmitted diseases. You
know, before the American automobile
industry went bust.

BRANDON
(laughs)
You speak in tongues, you know that?

OLIVE
I'm just trying to make it through the
day.

INT. BOYS BATHROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Olive and Brandon are in adjoining stalls sitting on the

toilets, scrubbing away graffiti.

OLIVE
He's not real. The guy I slept with.
I made him up.

BRANDON
Wait. You started the rumor?

OLIVE
Indirectly. Sort of. Well, not
really. No. No, I didn't.
 38.

BRANDON
But you're perpetuating it. That's so
fucked up.

OLIVE
Excuse me?

BRANDON
You're not even a real slut, you just
want people to think you are.
Pathetic.

OLIVE
No offense, Brando, but maybe you
could learn something from me.

BRANDON
You're saying I should act straight,
so people will like me? You mean in
high school people pretend to be
something they're not so they can fit
in? Ground breaking! You should
teach a course at the Learning Annex.
"The Painfully Obvious with Olive
Penderghast, the fake school slut."

Olive emerges from the stall with a bucket of paint and a brush.
She goes to the sink and dumps it, checking herself out in the
mirror as she does.

OLIVE
I'm just suggesting that maybe these
kids we call peers have got the right
idea. Maybe Bridget Schumacher isn't
as hippy-dippy as she pretends to be.
Maybe that's just the label she's put
on herself to avoid having to shave
everywhere society deems normal. Or
take Marianne Bryant. Maybe the whole
stuck-up Jesus-freak thing is an act.
Maybe she was sick of being just
another faceless entity in a place and
a time that reveres people for
extremity?

Brandon emerges from his stall.

BRANDON
Nah, I think she's just a stuck-up
Jesus-freak.

OLIVE
Yeah, me too. But do you think she
cares that that's the way she's
perceived? No.
 39.

BRANDON
There are some of us who just want to
blend in to the crowd.

OLIVE
Then you either gotta go to that
extreme or make the steadfast decision
not to care. Even better, do both.

BRANDON
I can't decide if you're a genius or a
lunatic.

OLIVE
Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand?

They both look at themselves and each other in the mirror.

Brandon picks a piece of lint off Olive's lowcut top.

OLIVE
How am I doing? Do I look like a
whore?

BRANDON
For a virgin, pretty damn good.

He pulls down her t-shirt, exposing more cleavage.

BRANDON
How about me? Could I pass as
straight?

OLIVE
Not bad. For a fag.

She untucks his shirt and musses up his hair.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
You know, if we really wanted to shock
the world, we'd blow off detention.
Just leave now.

BRANDON
But you know we would never do that.

OLIVE
Isn't going to stop me from telling
everybody we did.

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - THAT AFTERNOON

They're taking in the view of the valley.

 40.

RHIANNON
Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa
Hodges that you lost your virginity to
three guys in a jacuzzi.

OLIVE
That sounds like a lot of work.

RHIANNON
Yeah, and there'd always be that
question as to which guy you actually
lost it to first. It'd be like a he-
said-he-said-he-said-she said.

OLIVE
I guess that's still better than me
getting crabs from some old dude.

RHIANNON
Ewww. Who said that?

OLIVE
You know that Brandon kid?

RHIANNON
From the closet at the Hunter-Nesbitt-
Puked-on-the-Piano Party?

OLIVE
The one and lonely. It's what
somebody told him.

RHIANNON
Nobody talks to him.

OLIVE
Isn't that sad? He's actually quite
the conversationalist.

RHIANNON
Isn't he a Homo?

OLIVE
Duh. What straight guy under the age
of eighteen is able to have a real
conversation without trying to jam his
hand up your business?

Olive's cell phone rings.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
(into cell)
Hello? Speak of the devil. I was
just talking about you with my friend
Rhiannon...
(MORE)
 41.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
You know Rhiannon-- Perpetually
angry? Holier than thou? Bi-- Yeah,
exactly. That's her.

RHIANNON
Bi-? What's bi-?

Olive shushes her. Into cell--

OLIVE
Okay. Yeah. Sure. Alright, see you
soon.

She hangs up.

RHIANNON
What's bi-? Beautiful soul?
Bedazzling personality?

OLIVE
Big tits.

RHIANNON
(gasps)
That's my identifier? Fucking sweet!

OLIVE
That was Brandon. He wants to talk to
me about something.

RHIANNON
Probably wants to borrow an outfit.

OLIVE
So mean. Why do you gotta lash out?

RHIANNON
Any word from George?

OLIVE
I told you. It was a one night stand.
Which is now a done night stand.

RHIANNON
You're being pretty cavalier about
this. I mean, he popped your cherry.
Aren't you supposed to be eternally in
love with him and shit?

OLIVE
Yeah, if I was a character in a
ghostwritten teen novel developed
solely to cultivate a following in
order to sell the film rights.
(MORE)
 42.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
But alas, I'm not a gossip girl with
traveling pants who goes to high
school in a sweet valley, so, no, I
really couldn't care less.

RHIANNON
Methinks you doth protest too much.

OLIVE
Whatever, big tits.

EXT. PENDERGHAST HOUSE - THAT NIGHT

Brandon walks up to the front door and rings the bell.

INT. PENDERGHAST'S HOUSE FOYER - MOMENTS LATER

Rosemary opens the door to find Brandon.

BRANDON
Hi. Is there an Olive here?

ROSEMARY
There's a whole jar of them in the
fridge.

BRANDON
Sorry, I must have gotten the address
wrong.

ROSEMARY
Just kidding! Come on in. Any friend
of Olive's is a friend of our
daughter's.

Brandon walks in thoroughly confused. Rosemary yells up--

ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Olive, sweetie! There's a young man
here to see you. He said something
about asking for your hand in
marriage.

Brandon's eyes bulge as Olive descends the staircase.

OLIVE
Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was
going to have to spend my dowry on
booze and pills to numb the
loneliness.

Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs.

 43.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

She closes the door behind them and gestures for him to sit down
on the bed.

OLIVE
This is where the magic happens. And
as you well know, by "magic" I mean
"nothing."

BRANDON
(blurting out)
Do you wanna go out with me?

OLIVE
Say again now?

BRANDON
I mean, like, do you want to be my
girlfriend?

OLIVE
Brandon, just a few hours ago you told
me you were Kinsey Six gay.

BRANDON
True. But you said I should pretend
to be straight.

OLIVE
I didn't mean with me. You're a sweet
guy and all, but you're not really my
type.

BRANDON
You're not really my type either.

OLIVE
I know. I have that V where you'd
rather see a P.

BRANDON
Do you wanna have sex with me or not?

OLIVE
Oh my God. You totally missed my
point. All I was saying was that--

BRANDON
I know what you were saying. I should
play it straight until I get out of
this hellhole and then I can be
whoever I want to be. No, I got that.
 44.

OLIVE
Brandon, I told you, I didn't really
have sex with a college guy. I just
told people I did.
(then)
Well, actually, I just told one person
and, well, you know how these things
work. Wildfire.

BRANDON
So, you're saying I shouldn't really
have sex? I should just say I had sex
with someone? A girl?

OLIVE
Now, you're cooking with gas.

It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's going
with this and instantly gets defensive.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no.
No. Really. No. No way. No. No.

BRANDON
Think about it. We can help each
other out. You want to maintain this
floozy facade, I don't want to get my
face pummeled in every day. It's win-
win-win-win.

OLIVE
You're on crack. And not the good
kind.

BRANDON
All it would take is one good
imaginary bonk and you'd be saving the
bone structure of my face. Think of
how happy my parents would be.

OLIVE
No. Absolutely not. And how do you
know I really like being thought of as
a floozy?

BRANDON
Because at least you're being thought
of.
(then)
Come on, it wouldn't have to be a
bonk. It could be an imaginary nutter
or a lemon squeeze or a cowbell...
Dealer's choice.
 45.

OLIVE
I don't know what any of that means.

BRANDON
That's because you're a virgin.

OLIVE
No! No. This is not the answer. Why
don't you just do what I did and make
someone up?

BRANDON
Who would believe me?
(then)
I'll pay you. I can pay you whatever
you want.

OLIVE
I just don't think it would work.

BRANDON
Whores aren't discerning, Olive. And
just think: you'll officially be a
hooker with a heart of gold!

OLIVE
I don't want your money.

BRANDON
I insist.

OLIVE
So, if I say yes, you're going to tell
a couple of people at school and I
just have to go with it? I don't
think that's gonna work.
BRANDON
(voice cracking with
emotion)
I can make it work. I promise.
Olive, you don't understand how hard
it is. I'm tormented. Every day at
that high school is like I'm being
suffocated. And we can fantasize all
we want about how things are going to
be different one day, but this is
today. And it sucks. And there's
only one way out and you were smart
enough to think of it. Please. Help
me. I can't take another day of this.
I don't know what the fuck I'll do.

She sees tears forming in his eyes. She turns away and is
silent for a long beat.
 46.

OLIVE
I don't do anything half-assed.
(spins to face him)
It'll have to be a public event.
Melanie Bostic is having a party
tomorrow night. All of your
tormentors will be there. You and I
are going together. You have to do
everything I say and you have to tell
people that I was sensational.

Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've ever
seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go.

BRANDON
Thank you so much for doing this.

OLIVE
Just make sure you're ready to live
with the consequences.
(then)
What the hell's a lemon squeeze?

BRANDON
It's like a backwards melon bag.

OLIVE
Why don't I know any of this?

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
I'm sure you all remember the party...

EXT. BACK OF A MELANIE BOSTIC'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Kids are partying everywhere. On the grass, by the pool, some

are even in the pool. We TRACK through the partiers and go
inside the open back doors--

INT. MELANIE BOSTIC'S HOUSE - NIGHT

More kids, more debauchery. Then Olive parts the sea like
Moses, looking like a million bucks. Brandon is on her arm,
looking pretty snazzy himself. They appear drunk and are
falling all over each other. People stare in complete amazement
at a) their appearance and b) that they're even together in the
first place. You'd never guess that this was anything less than
an A-list teen couple. Olive falls against Brandon laughing.
He hoists her up as their host, Melanie Bostic (18) approaches.
 47.

MELANIE
Hey, Olive.
(weirded out)
And Brandon.

OLIVE
OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't
mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail
party cocktails before the cocktail
party with cocktails started to
party...with cocktails.
(laughs)

MELANIE
Well, glad you could make it.

OLIVE
(slurring in her ear)
Soooo, here's the sitch: Brandon here
was in the middle of telling me this
funny thing. Is there a quiet room we
can go to where he can finish telling
me about his thing... that's funny...

She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles.

BRANDON
(not good at this)
I'm drunk! With alcohol! What's up!

MELANIE
Sure. You can use the guest room.
Down the hall.

OLIVE
I love you. I love you so much. You
mean the world to me.

She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder. Then lifts up

her shirt and kisses her stomach. Then she spins around to the
entire party--

OLIVE
(shouts)
Hey, everybody! What's good in the
'hood?
(laughs)

BRANDON
I'm drunk! Fuck all y'all!

She grabs Brandon and they stumble down the hallway. The bully
who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon goes up to
Melanie.
 48.

BULLY
Was that Olive with... Brandon?

MELANIE
I know, what the hell, right?

They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and
Olive have just retreated to.

INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT

Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's completely
sober and so is Brandon.

OLIVE
(whispering)
Close the shades.

Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. Olive takes her
panties under her skirt.

BRANDON
Whoa! What are you doing?!

OLIVE
Relax. Jesus, what's with you gays?
Are you really that repulsed by lady
parts? What do you think, I have down
there, a gnome?

She drapes the panties over the doorknob, just so anyone looking
through the keyhole will see nothing but panties. Then she
plops down on the bed and stretches out.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
(pats the bed)
Chop chop.

Brandon lays beside her. She lets out an incredible moan. It's
very convincing. Then she whispers in his ear--

OLIVE
Now grunt. And make it convincing.

He does.

OLIVE
I said grunt, not whine.

He tries again.

OLIVE
Now make it manly.

He tries. It's anything but manly.

 49.

OLIVE
You're pathetic.

She moans an extremely convincing moan.

OLIVE
I'm gonna have to do all the work
myself. Hey, this is like real sex.

BRANDON
How would you know?

She slaps him across the face. He lets out a yelp and she
quickly covers his mouth, turning it into a perfect grunt. She
gives him a thumbs-up. Then she moans.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at

the door, falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to the
door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the noise
inside. He tries to look through the keyhole. All he can see
are panties.

INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Olive continues to make sex noises. Brandon throws some grunts

in here and there. She gives him direction with her hands a la
a conductor as she continues moaning. They're actually having a
bit of fun. Then she reaches into her bag and pulls out her
copy of "The Scarlet Letter." Brandon looks perplexed. Then
Olive smacks his butt with it. He lets out another real yelp.

OLIVE
There we go. Now you're getting it.

BRANDON
You don't have to be so aggressive
about it.

OLIVE
(yells)
Oh, you don't like that?

BRANDON
(loud whisper)
No!

OLIVE
(smacks him on the butt)
How about that? You like that?

BRANDON
A little better.
 50.

OLIVE
Yeah, you like that! Yeah you like
that!

BRANDON
(clicking in)
Oh! I get it. Nice.

Then she jumps up on the bed and does jumping jacks. She
motions for him to join her. They moan and grunt together as
they jump up and down. Olive starts aerobicizing and Brandon
follows. This is actually really fun.

BRANDON
How long do we have to do this?

OLIVE
Do you wanna be a normal adolescent or
do you wanna be a stud?

He moans in his deepest voice. She follows. Then she bangs her
hand against the wall over and over.

OLIVE
(loudly)
Don't stop fucking me, you scrawny but
well-endowed man-stallion! Yes!
That's it!
(whispering)
Now you try.

BRANDON
(loudly and nervously)
I'm gonna turn you over and take you
from behind!

OLIVE
(whispering)
Yeah, that's not gonna make people
think you're straight.

BRANDON
(loudly)
Never mind that gayness! I'm just
going to have sex with you from the
front!

Olive rolls her eyes.

OLIVE
C'mon. Make it nasty. Follow my
lead.
(loudly)
You're so big! I didn't even know
they came so big!
 51.

BRANDON
(loudly)
Well they do! And I do! Oh yeah,
Olive. That's fuckin' awesome. Oh
yeah. Do you smell that? Do you
smell us?

She hits him hard on the arm.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

With their ears pressed against the door--

BULLY
Did he just say it smelled?

INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS

OLIVE
Ewwww!

BRANDON
Isn't it supposed to smell?

OLIVE
I don't know! But if it does, you're
not supposed to comment on it!

BRANDON
Sorry. I didn't know.

They continue to make moaning noises.

OLIVE
We probably don't want to do this for
too long. It'll give the impression
you're having difficulty finishing.
Not the desired effect.

BRANDON
Are you sure you're a virgin?

OLIVE
(whispering sternly)
Of course I am!
(loudly)
Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop
fucking me!
(whispering)
You ready for the grand finale?

He gives her a quizzical look. But before he knows what's about

to happen, she punches him hard in the stomach and he lets out a
really loud and painful moan.
 52.

OLIVE
Fuck yeah!

Olive dishevels herself and musses up his hair.

OLIVE
Go forth, my son. You're a man now.

BRANDON
(still in pain)
Thanks, Olive.

He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles. He gingerly removes

her panties from the doorknob and tosses them to her. Then he
exits the room.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The crowd scurries like cockroaches when the door opens. The
bully hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm around him.

BULLY
My man! How was she?

BRANDON
(not good at this)
Oh, she tore me up, dude.

BULLY
Huh?

BRANDON
(default)
I'm drunk! Fuck all y'all!

He leads him drunkenly down the hallway, with a crew of guys

after the dirty details. Olive looks at this and smiles,
satisfied. Then she looks up and sees a whole slew of girls
looking at her completely differently. They avoid her eye
contact, as one would ward off Medusa. She walks out to find
Melanie pretending not to be interested in her.

OLIVE
Is there a--?

MELANIE
Back entrance is through the kitchen.

OLIVE
Thanks.

She begins her walk of shame down the corridor. Guys look at
her like she's a god, girls like she's a whore. She turns a
corner into the--
 53.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

She runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of Woodchuck

Todd.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sorry.

Olive is a sick shade of regret.

WOODCHUCK TODD (CONT'D)

Oh, hey Olive.

OLIVE
I thought you were going to your
cousin's rehearsal dinner.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I did. It was a quick rehearsal. I
only had one line.
(then)
That was a joke.

OLIVE
I know.

WOODCHUCK TODD
How's it going?

OLIVE
I'm-- I'm here.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Can I get you a beer?

OLIVE
That rhymed.

Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys

throwing sex gestures to Todd re: Olive. She spins around and
they instantly pretend to not be paying attention. She glares
at them.

OLIVE
I should probably go.

WOODCHUCK TODD
You sure? They also have wine if
you're that kinda girl.

OLIVE
Maybe later. Thanks.

She rushes off.

 54.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
It was truly my "Can't Buy Me Love"
Cindy Mancini moment.
(melodramatically
reenacts)
"All of you thought we were a couple.
What a joke!... Ronald Miller paid me
a thousand bucks to pretend I liked
him. What a deal, huh? A thousand
bucks to go out with him for a month.
This guy. Oh, God. He bought me.
And he bought all of you. He was sick
and tired of being a nobody. Yeah,
and he said that all of you guys would
worship him if we went out. And I
didn't believe that. I was, like, no
way! And he was right! Our little
plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? What
a bunch of followers you guys are. I
mean, at least I got... At least I got
paid."
(then)
"Can't Buy Me Love" is one of the best
movies ever made. Hands down. You
guys should totally watch it if you
haven't already. Or even if you have.
Seriously fine filmmaking. Available
on Netflix or from street pirates if
you don't believe in intellectual
property rights.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT DAY

Olive lays on her bed watching a movie on her laptop. It's the
scene from "Can't Buy Me Love" she just performed. She eats a
candy bar and wallows in her self-pity.

OLIVE
Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have been
a lot worse. Trust me.

Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift.

ROSEMARY
That boy from the other night just
dropped this off for you.

She points to an empty space on the floor.

OLIVE
Put it on the pile of gifts from my
other suitors.
 55.

ROSEMARY
He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a
little... incredibly gay.

OLIVE
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that boy
is.

Rosemary puts the gift on the floor.

ROSEMARY
I dated a homosexual in high school.

OLIVE
We're not dating, Mom.

ROSEMARY
I just wanted to tell you that if you
want to date a gay boy, your father
and I are totally supportive. We love
you no matter what the sexual
orientation of your opposite-sex sex
partner.

She kisses Olive on the cheek.

ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
And don't feel bad that you won't make
us grandparents. We still have
Ginger, and from the signs I'm picking
up, she'll be preggo before the PSATs.
Which is actually great 'cause then we
can get another shot at raising kids.
Really do it right this time.

OLIVE
Bye now.

ROSEMARY
I dated a homosexual once. For a long
time actually. A long time.

OLIVE
Please, dear God dear lord, tell me
you didn't marry him.

ROSEMARY
(laughs hysterically)
No! No. Your father is as straight
as they come. A little too straight
if you know what I mean.

OLIVE
I don't. Close the door, thanks?
 56.

Rosemary laughs again and exits. Olive looks at the gift on the
floor and then opens it. It's a photo of the bully holding
Brandon's legs as he does a keg stand. Olive smiles. Then she
looks into the box and sees something that makes her gasp. It's
an envelope with a $200 Target Gift Card.

OLIVE
Cindy Mancini gets a thousand bucks.
I get a $200 Gift Card to Target and
a--

Confused, she pulls out a massive pink dildo.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
"Dear Olive, just in case you don't
shop at Target. Then you can go fuck
yourself."

Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely touched

by this gift. The phone rings with the theme from the "Brady
Bunch" ringtone. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it up.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Brandon, your package was perfection!

RHIANNON (O.S.)
So, it's true!

OLIVE
Rhi?

RHIANNON (O.S.)
Well, it's not last night's conquest!

INTERCUT:
EXT. MAIN STREET SHOPS - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Tab, walks with an intensity

reserved for girls who just found out their best friend had her
sophomore sexual exploit and didn't bother to tell them.

RHIANNON
I have many questions, obviously.

OLIVE
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
No, I do not know the way to San Jose.
And contrary to popular belief, Panama
hats are not from Panama at all.
They're from Ecuador.

RHIANNON
Now is not the time to be cute.
 57.

OLIVE
You're putting me in a precarious
position, because according to last
month's Cosmo, we should always look
cute. Even when we're doing mundane
activities like choosing vegetables
from the produce section or going to
the DMV.

RHIANNON
Olive, stop it. This is serious. Did
you really bang Brandon last night at
Melanie Dipshit's party? A party that
you told me you weren't going to go
to, so I didn't go and instead stayed
home with Mr. and Mrs. Kahlua and
Cream?

Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows.

OLIVE
Is that what someone said happened?

RHIANNON
That's what everyone said happened.

OLIVE
Then I guess it's true.

RHIANNON
Does this mean you guys are dating?

OLIVE
God no.

Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of

passing shoppers.

RHIANNON
Just because you lost your virginity
doesn't mean you can go around
throwing your cat at everybody!

OLIVE
Thanks, Mom. Good talk.

RHIANNON
You're getting a reputation.

OLIVE
You know, you're really coming off a
little pious right now and you're kind
of pissing me off.
 58.

RHIANNON
I'm sorry if I think a best friend's
duty is to let her know that everyone,
and I do mean everyone, is calling her
a cum dumpster.

OLIVE
Do you think I'm a cum dumpster?

RHIANNON
Look, baby, I call a spade a spade.

Olive jumps off her bed.

OLIVE
First off, that's racist or at the
very least not clever. Second, how
dare you? I was Laura Ingalls to your
Lady Chatterly and, now all of a
sudden, you feel the need to warn me
that I'm making a fool of myself?
Need I remind you that the "Beyond" in
Bed Bath & Beyond does not stand for
"sucking a guy off in front of every
single person on their way to buy
linens?" So, why don't you jump off
your high horse and splash around in
the gutter where you belong.

RHIANNON
I didn't want to believe it, but I
guess it's true. You're a fucktart.

OLIVE
And you're a jealous virgin.

RHIANNON
Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my
virginity to one of your dumb
brother's dumb friends and then be the
first for a fairy, while everyone
listens outside! What is wrong with
you? Does sex mean anything to you?

OLIVE
Yes! It's a period of time, however
short, that I don't have to talk to
you!

She slams the phone shut and seethes.

Music: Modern cover of "Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches.

She goes into her closet and starts wildly pulling down clothes.
She throws them into a big pile in the middle of her floor.
 59.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that
somebody wanted to pretend to sleep
with her! Only wishes!

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Olive, visibly upset, is cutting something, meticulously, out of

red fabric. In fact, she has yards of red fabric draped across
her lap. When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her
and begins another one.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER

Quick cuts as Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When
she finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and
grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor. In
the middle of this the door opens. It's Dill.

DILL
Is everything okay up here? It sounds
like you're having sex. Which I know
can't be true due to you having a
homosexual boyfriend.

OLIVE
He's not my boyfriend!

DILL
Hey. God's children. No judgment.

OLIVE
Can you leave please?

Dill looks at his daughter.

DILL
You alright, buddy?

Olive looks up at her dad. It's a real moment. He really

cares. And she knows it. She takes a beat then nods.

OLIVE
Yeah.

DILL
Give 'em hell.

She smiles and he exits. Then she immediately goes back to

cutting and sewing.
 60.

Music: "Crimson & Clover" by Tommy James and the Shondells More
quick cuts as time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly
decreasing, until there are none left.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLS - DAY

Clad in sunglasses, do-me-boots and looking like a bona fide

porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school. Sewn
across her larger and pushed up breasts is a fiery red "A."
Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as looks
of total disbelief from the girls. She stops at one average-
looking kid who stares into her eyes. She points to her chest--

OLIVE
Hey, pal. My boobs are down here.

She moves the stunned kid. Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a

semi-attractive guy named Anson (17). She catches sight of
Olive and her jaw drops. Olive sidles up to Anson, much to
Rhiannon's chagrin.

OLIVE
Hey, Anson.

ANSON
Uh, hi.

OLIVE
(a la Marilyn Monroe)
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."

ANSON
Uh, what's an anagram?

OLIVE
Look it up, big boy.

She turns and licks her lips at Rhiannon. Rhiannon gives her
the dirtiest of looks.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
What's your problem?

RHIANNON
You want to know what my problem is?

OLIVE
No, it was a rhetorical question. I
don't want to know anything from you.

She turns on her heels and stomps off.

 61.

RHIANNON
We are so not friends anymore! We are
officially over.

As she walks away--

OLIVE
I'll go put it on Twitter!

RHIANNON
I want my Juicy sweatshirt back! It
was too loose around your chest
anyway!

OLIVE
Ooh! Burn!

INT. CAFETERIA LUNCH LINE - LATER

Olive makes her way through the lunch line, as guys ogle her.
Marianne, who's also there, watches her in repugnance. Olive
eats some mashed potatoes off her tray super sexily.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Olive emerges from the girl's locker room building, dressed for
gym. She's sexed up her outfit by rolling up her sleeves and
shorts. Woodchuck Todd jogs over and runs in place.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Olive! You left your glass slipper at
the party the other night.

OLIVE
Yeah, and I got pumpkin all over my
dress, too. C'est la vie.

WOODCHUCK TODD
La vie.

OLIVE
Nice.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sucked because we could've revisited
the closet.

OLIVE
Oh my God! That was at Melanie
Bostic's house! She throws a lot of
parties.
 62.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Her parents are of the "we'd rather
you and your underage friends drink,
do drugs, and have unprotected sex
here" opinion.

OLIVE
How irresponsibly progressive of them.
(blushes)
I can't believe you remember that.

Jogging away, with a huge grin on his face--

WOODCHUCK TODD
Who doesn't remember their first
almost kiss?

Olive stands there, smitten. Just then a terrified fat kid

named Evan nervously approaches.

EVAN
Hey, Olive.

OLIVE
Evan. What's rocking?

EVAN
Can I talk to you for a second?

He gestures for her to jog up the stairs with him, as the other
kids are doing. She does so.

EVAN (CONT'D)
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.

OLIVE
Well, rest assured, it was equally as
thrilling for me.
(purrs sexily)

EVAN
No, he told me the truth.

She's pissed. She silently seethes.

EVAN (CONT'D)
And I was just hoping that maybe you
could do the same for me?

OLIVE
Goodbye, Evan.

She runs past him.

 63.

EVAN
Wait--

She raises her hand as she runs up the bleacher steps--

OLIVE
Goodbye, Evan.

EVAN
I can pay you, too.

She stops and turns back.

OLIVE
I'm about six seconds away from
slapping you so hard that your unborn
grandchildren will feel it.

EVAN
(excited)
Can you do it in front of everyone?

OLIVE
Fuck off.

Olive turns and sprints up the stairs.

EVAN
I don't need your permission, you
know!

She gives him a death stare. He can't look at her.

EVAN (CONT'D)
I mean at the rate you're going, I'm
just saying I don't think anyone would
not believe it.

OLIVE
Are you threatening me?

EVAN
I'll give you three hundred bucks.

OLIVE
You're repugnant.

EVAN
(re: his body)
Uh, duh. That's the problem.

He sits down and wipes his forehead, already sweating from the
few steps climbed.
 64.

EVAN (CONT'D)
Just forget I asked.

Once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no.

OLIVE
I want three hundred dollars in gift
card form deposited in my locker
before noon tomorrow. Preferably The
Gap but I'll also take Amazon.com or
OfficeMax. We did not have sex. I
was drunk and I let you fondle my
chest and it was a glorious moment for
you, unmatched by anything you've
heretofore experienced, including
cake. Got it?

EVAN
Three hundred bucks for second base?
Doesn't that seem a little steep? Can
you throw in some
(mispronouncing)
Frottage?

OLIVE
It's frottage, dumbass. At least
learn how to pronounce your
perversion.

EVAN
Whatever. You in?

OLIVE
Fine. But I better not hear that
little Mr. Happy ever came out of your
pants. Get me?
EVAN
Little? Nuh-uh. For three hundy, it
was ungodly huge. You called it the
"Dark Knight."

OLIVE
I was too drunk to remember.

He extends his hand.

EVAN
Deal.

She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic.

 65.

OLIVE
The sad thing is, Evan, if you had
been a gentleman and asked me out on a
date, I probably would have said yes.

EVAN
Really? Do you want to go on a date?

OLIVE
Not now I don't, shitdick.

She turns and jogs up the stairs. Evan watches her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Evan, if you're watching this: shame
on you. I hope you never treat
another girl the way you treated me or
you will die alone, wishing it was
because you're fat.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
It should come as no surprise that the
fact I was soliciting fake-sex for
fake-money spread around the school
faster than, well, faster than the
first rumor about me spread.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Again, the camera goes into HYPERDRIVE. But even faster than
before. As everyone stays in real time the camera zooms past
Evan to a group of boys in the middle of the field. One boy
gets out his cellphone and starts texting away. The camera
drives into the locker room, out the back, across the parking
lot, into the school, down the halls, through the library, up
onto the roof, down onto the front steps, and back across the
football field to Olive who has just reached the top of the
steps. She turns for her descent to see everyone looking at
her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, whether I liked it or not, I was
open for business. And I had a lot of
customers. None of whom I'd text home
about. I know I was a fake prostitute
and all, but people suck. Not fake
suck. Really suck.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

A nerdy kid with socks up to his knees hands Olive an envelope.

She walks to the front of the box office line.
 66.

OLIVE (V.O.)
While I appreciate the sentiment,
Lewis Tricolli, my pretend hand job
should have warranted a little more
than a hundred dollars worth of AMC
Movie Passes.

Over the following Olive orders a ticket to a movie, but the box
office attendant points to a sign that says "NO PASSES."

OLIVE (V.O.)
They had an expiration date and were
only able to be used for movies that
had been running for four weeks.

OLIVE
(annoyed)
Fine. One for Tyler Perry's Madea
Goes Through Menopause.

OLIVE (V.O.)
But even that's better than you, Zia
Chandresekhar.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Olive gets an envelope from a geeky Indian kid with severe acne.
She pulls out the coupon, pissed.

OLIVE
Seriously? Ten percent off Bath and
Body Works? A coupon? Is that how
good our imaginary tryst was to you?
I fake rocked your world!

ZIA
It's all I can afford.

OLIVE
How is that my problemo, amigo?

OLIVE (V.O.)
I knew he wasn't Latino, but for some
reason all these shady, backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.

ZIA
I might be able to offer you the use
of my father's Volvo.

OLIVE
Beat it, hessé.
 67.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Is chivalry dead?

She holds up DVDs of the movies as she speaks--

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I want John Cusack holding a boombox
outside my window. I want to ride off
on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.
I want Jake from Sixteen Candles
waiting outside the church for me.
And I want Judd Nelson walking across
the school parking lot thrusting his
hand into the air 'cause he knows he
got me. Just once I want my life to
be like a John Hughes movie. Sure
everything starts out a mess but it
always ends up great and hopeful and
awesome with a big scene where the
main character puts on a huge display
of out-of-character-ness in front of
the whole world and wins the day. But
no. John Hughes didn't direct my
life. So I get to save two fifty on a
bottle of Juniper Breeze Antibacteria
Gel.

She reaches over and grabs the bottle, squirts some into her
hands and massages them together.

OLIVE
Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's in
a coma and the prognosis isn't good.
(then)
So, if you're still with me, and I'm
hoping that most of you are, I now
present to you Part Four:
(holds up papers)
How I, Olive Penderghast, Went From
Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home-
Wrecker.

INT. CLASSROOM - ANOTHER DAY

Mr. Griffin is grading papers. Olive pokes her head in.

OLIVE
You wanted to see me?

MR. GRIFFIN
Yeah, Olive. Come squat a pop.
 68.

She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the red "A" on
her chest.

MR. GRIFFIN
What are you doing?

OLIVE
Accessorizing?

MR. GRIFFIN
Come on, Olive. Don't you think maybe
you're reading a little too much into
this assignment?

OLIVE
Well, I'm really hoping to get an A.
(re: her chest)
Get it? Get it?

MR. GRIFFEN
I got it.
(then)
I'm hearing things, Olive.

OLIVE
(deep breath)
The rumors are true. I am, in fact,
considering becoming an
existentialist.

MR. GRIFFIN
You know what I'm talking about.

OLIVE
Geez, since when did teachers become
privy to idle, adolescent gossip?

MR. GRIFFEN
Since everyone puts everything up on
Facebook for the world to see. What's
with this need your generation has to
document every single thought that
ever enters your head? They're not
all gems, you know. "Roman is having
an okay day and hopes the ice cream
store still has rocky road." Who gives
a rat's ass?

OLIVE
Great social commentary. Really heady
stuff. Is that why you called me in?
You practicing to go on Carson?
 69.

MR. GRIFFIN
I guess it wouldn't matter so much if
I didn't like you. You're a great
girl and I happen to think that all
of... this is just an act. I'm just
curious why you're doing it.

Olive drops her defenses and gets real.

OLIVE
Have you ever decided just to play
along? Because it's maybe easier than
fighting tooth-and-nail to defend it?

MR. GRIFFIN
I just don't want to see this...
damage you.

OLIVE
You know, I think you should give me
extra credit for going the extra mile.
I'm really attempting to understand
this puritanical ostracism Hawthorne
wrote about.

MR. GRIFFEN
You're one of the few who've actually
read the book. If I get one more
paper talking about how Hester always
took baths and spoke with a terrible
British accent...

OLIVE
Why don't people just Wikipedia it
like I did?

MR. GRIFFIN
You didn't Wikipedia it. I know you
read it.

OLIVE
(caught)
I did.

MR. GRIFFIN
(smiles)
I'm really sorry I had to send you to
the principal. If you tell anybody,
I'll deny it, but I really wanted to
cheer with the rest of the class.

OLIVE
(smiles)
You know I won't tell.
 70.

She gets up to leave and passes a beautiful woman in the

doorway. This is Mrs. Griffin (early 30s).

OLIVE
Hey, Mrs. Griffin.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(no idea who she is)
Hi... you! How are you?

OLIVE
(re her 'A')
A is for Awesome.

Olive disappears into the empty halls.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I've never seen that girl before in my
life.

MR. GRIFFIN
That doesn't surprise me.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I'm the guidance counselor. I should
know all of the students. Especially
the ones dressed like whores.

He kisses her. It's a real kiss. He starts to grab her butt.

She stops him.

MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)

Not in school. You know the rule.

MR. GRIFFIN
She's just going through a phase.
(then)
Hey, do you think you could talk to
her? Maybe get her to, I don't know--

MRS. GRIFFIN
Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait,
That's not the girl everyone's talking
about, is it?

MR. GRIFFIN
Yeah.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Oh, this'll be good. That snotty
Jesus-freak office aid has been
bitching about her incessantly.
 71.

MR. GRIFFIN
It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe
that's all she needs.

MRS. GRIFFIN
What are you making for dinner
tonight?

MR. GRIFFIN
Is it my turn?

MRS. GRIFFIN
Sure is. I'm meeting up with the
girls at happy hour.

MR. GRIFFIN
Don't have too much fun.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I never do.

He kisses her and tries to go in for the butt again. No dice.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE SCHOOL GYM - THE NEXT MORNING

A piece of paper is taped to the double doors: "RESERVED: CROSS

YOUR HEART CLUB."

INT. SCHOOL GYM - THE NEXT MORNING

Light streams through the windows. It's very biblical. A group

of well-dressed Christian kids sit in a semi-circle near the
light. Marianne is the leader, Nina by her side.

MARIANNE
Heavenly Father, watch over us with
Your all-encompassing love. Keep us
on the path toward Your righteousness
and eternal salvation.

They all smile, say "Amen," and open their eyes.

MARIANNE
Guys. We have a problem.

NINA
Amen to that.

MARIANNE
Olive Penderghast. We need to pray
for her, but we also need to get her
the hell out of here.

Everyone "Amens."
 72.

MARIANNE
I'm sure, by now, you've all heard
about what happened at Melanie
Bostic's party.

CHRISTIAN KID #1
I was there. I heard the whole thing.

MARIANNE
That's not something you need to
advertise, Kurt.

KURT
(sheepishly)
Sorry.

MARIANNE
See, herein lies the problem: She's
doing these tasteless, immoral acts in
plain view of the entire student body.
She's in direct opposition to
everything we're trying to do for this
school, which is make it a wholesome
learning environment and a place where
our children will one day flourish the
way we are.

Everyone "Amens."

MARIANNE
She was sent to the principal's office
last week--

NINA
(interrupting)
She called me a really hurtful name.

MARIANNE
--and I tried to witness to her, but
she's defiant to any sort of help.
(tears up)
I don't know what to do, but something
has to be done.

Her boyfriend, Micah (19) takes her hand and holds it. She
leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina begins
rubbing her shoulder, sympathetically.

MARIANNE
Does anybody here think they can talk
to her in a way that might get her to
see what she's doing is wrong?

She suddenly bursts into sobs. And these aren't crocodile

tears. She is flooded with emotion.
 73.

MARIANNE
I'm sorry. This is so stupid.

MICAH
No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.

MARIANNE
Jesus tells us to love everyone. Even
the whores and the homosexuals, but
it's so hard.

Everyone "Amens."

MARIANNE
It's so hard, because they just keep
doing 'it' over and over again.

She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group follows
suit.

MARIANNE
Make me a promise. Make God a promise
right here and now that we will remain
pure and chaste until marriage.
(looking to Micah)
Until our love is proven holy in His
eyes.

EVERYONE
We promise.

MARIANNE
Awww, I love you guys. God loves you
guys. Now let's change lives today.
Micah, hit it.

Micah picks up a guitar and starts playing "Alive" by P.O.D.

They break out in song--

EVERYONE
I feel so alive. For the very first
time. I can't deny you I feel so
alive. I feel so alive for the very
first time. And I think I can fly!

INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY

Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the

day before with a red 'A' sewn onto her top. Marianne is behind
the desk, sharpening pencils. After each one, she observes the
point with a scary satisfaction. They exchange a few hateful
glances at each other. Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her
office.
 74.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Hey, Olive. Wanna come in?

Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically. She

turns back to Marianne and, for her benefit, hikes up her skirt
and pulls down her cleavage.

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Olive sits across from Mrs. Griffin.

MRS. GRIFFIN
The reason I called you down here is
just so that we could, sort of, you
know, chat about what's going on.

OLIVE
I love me some chatting.

MRS. GRIFFIN
There's been some concern from faculty
members.

OLIVE
Your husband.

Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's

something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Olive, you're attempting to make a
statement. We get that. I'm just
confused as to what exactly it is.

OLIVE
Am I in trouble? Because pursuant to
the Student Code of Conduct, the hem
of my dress isn't higher than my
fingertips.

MRS. GRIFFIN
You're not in trouble. I just wanted
you to know that if there was
something you maybe needed to talk
about, that you could trust me.

OLIVE
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?

MRS. GRIFFIN
Yes.
 75.

OLIVE
(confessional)
I watch "American Idol." And not even
ironically.

Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I have a reputation to uphold.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Don't you, though?

Olive assesses this statement from her.

OLIVE
We done? If I can think of any angsty
things to report, you'll be the first
to know.
(winks)
This has been so much fun that I'm
actually, at this very moment,
considering meth addiction, just so I
can come back and we can jawbone some
more.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(bitingly)
Or you could always get pregnant.

OLIVE
No. No Juno for me, thanks.

Mrs. Griffin pulls out a handful of condoms from her purse.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Propho-tastic!

MRS. GRIFFIN
Please don't tell anyone I gave you
these. The school board is--

OLIVE
Puritanical and oppressive?

MRS. GRIFFIN
Conservative.

Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned.

OLIVE
I really don't need those.
 76.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(sternly)
You really do. I don't want this
thing you're going through right now
to define your life.

She puts them in Olive's hand and clenches it closed. Olive

looks at them. Then back at Mrs. Griffin.

OLIVE
You actually sound like you really
care.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I do, Olive. Do what you gotta do,
let your freak flag fly, find out who
you are, Godspeed. Just make sure you
have an exit strategy.

Shit. She really cares. And she's making sense.

OLIVE
The thing is, Mrs. Griffin, I don't
really need this because--

MRS. GRIFFIN
Enough! Just take them!

Olive's confession thwarted yet again, she slowly puts them in

her pocket.

OLIVE
Are these ribbed, for my pleasure?

MRS. GRIFFIN
(ignores her)
Remember: our little secret. Would
you send in the next person please?

INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs his

eyes, like he's been crying.

OLIVE
You're up, hoss.

MARIANNE
(to Micah, concerned)
It's going to be okay.

She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her office.
 77.

OLIVE
(to Marianne)
Let me guess: meth.

MARIANNE
Not now, trollop.

OLIVE
Don't you think it's kind of strange
that your boyfriend is almost twenty
years old and still in high school?

MARIANNE
Not that it's any of your business,
but he is here by choice.

OLIVE
It's his choice that he's a third year
senior who can't pass any test he
takes?

MARIANNE
No. It's His choice. Capital H, His.
If God wanted him to graduate God
would've given him the right answers.

OLIVE
You've gotta be shitting me.

MARIANNE
God's plan is for Micah to be a youth
minister. To that end it behooves him
to observe those who are going to need
his help when they're finally ready to
accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and
personal savior.
OLIVE
So, why was he blubbering like a baby?
Ooh! Is he struggling with his
sexuality?

MARIANNE
(breaks out in tears)
No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch!
His parents are going through a
(whispers)
Divorce!

She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to do,

goes around the counter and hugs her, tentatively. Marianne
just cries on her shoulder.
 78.

OLIVE
There. There. Sometimes our
boyfriend's parents get divorced.
It's just important to know that it's
not your fault.

She looks around as if to say "why the hell am I doing this?"

MARIANNE
They go to our church! Imagine what
people will say!

Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long.

OLIVE
How long do these embraces usually
last? I have to go. Are you going to
be okay?

MARIANNE
Mrs. Griffin is going to fix
everything. She's amazing. I know
she's going to help Micah through this
time and everything's going to be
okay.

OLIVE
That's the spirit. Yay! Everything's
going to be okay.

Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes.

MARIANNE
Why are you being so nice to me?

OLIVE
Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
Those are your boss' rules, right?

MARIANNE
I did it! I got through to you!

This triggers even more wails from Marianne, who grabs Olive and
squeezes her tightly.

MARIANNE
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for
everything I said. I want to be
friends. Please be my friend.

Olive is really confused by this display. She's about to say

something snide, but thinks better of it--

OLIVE
Absolutely.
 79.

Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her, warmly.

OLIVE (V.O.)
And for a day, we were actually really
good friends. But I just went with
it. And I was really starting to
think things were going to turn
around.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLS - DAY

Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred

burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.

OLIVE (V.O.)
But then I unwittingly gave her
boyfriend a venereal disease...

Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that

people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY

Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs.

Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as if
her world has just collapsed.

OLIVE (V.O.)
...And caused the break-up of Mr. and
Mrs. Griffin...

MRS. GRIFFIN
(snaps)
What?! What do you want?

Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look
at her.

MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)

Just go!

She throws a photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,

waving signs on wooden stakes. "EXPEL OLIVE," "EXODUS 20:14,"
"SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING," "OLIVE PENDERGHAST
IS A WHORE." There's also a guy holding a Quiznos sign,
spinning it like those guys on the corner. What's most
shocking, however, is that Rhi is among the throng, as riled up
as any.
 80.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, I guess I shouldn't be too shocked
that these people wanted my diseased,
home-wrecking ass out of there. The
funny thing is the whole time this
shit was going down, people calling me
something I knew wasn't true, my best
friend included, I couldn't help but
think how I could have come up with
better signs. No one even bothered to
use alliteration or, God forbid,
irony. Not even a single acronym and
that seems a lot more unforgivable
than my sins. Although you gotta love
the Quiznos guy. That's the one thing
that trumps religion: capitalism.

Olive descends into her lion's den and grabs Rhi.

OLIVE
Why are you doing this?

RHIANNON
I'm trying to make this school a
better place.

OLIVE
Can't we just start a petition to get
the Drama kids to sell Mike&Ikes
instead of M&Ms?

RHIANNON
You're going down, Olive Penderghast.

OLIVE
Why are you being so mean to me?
You're supposed to be my best friend!

RHIANNON
I was. But you dumped me.

OLIVE
Dumped you? We're not dating. And
you don't even know what Exodus 20:14
means.

Poking her hard in the chest--

RHIANNON
No. You don't know what Exodus 20:14
means.

THE QUIZNOS GUY

Oooo! Slam-buca, served cold!
 81.

OLIVE
Piss off, Quiznos dude.
(to Rhiannon)
If this is because I'm more popular
than you, then I really think--

RHIANNON
Let's not mistake popularity for
infamy.

The protesters begin shouting at Olive. She turns and heads

off. And bumps smack-dab into... Woodchuck Todd.

OLIVE
Sorry.

She puts her head down and starts off but he takes her arm.

WOODCHUCK TODD
You okay?

OLIVE
I'm awesome.

He looks deep into her eyes.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Fuck all these people.

OLIVE
Haven't you heard? I already did.

She hustles off.

INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

Olive finds the Religion section. She scans the shelves until
she finds a King James Bible. She thumbs through until she
finds Exodus 20:14. "Thou shall not commit adultery." She
gasps and slams the book shut.

EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY

Olive walks up and opens the big doors.

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - CONTINUOUS

It's empty. A few candles are burning. She makes a beeline for
the confessional booth, takes a deep breath and enters.

INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

She sits down and begins to talk to the screen.

 82.

OLIVE
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
I think that's how you're supposed to
start these things. I'm only going on
what I've seen in the movies. Then I
think I'm supposed to tell you how
long it's been since my last
confession. But that's kind of my
first confession. I'm not Catholic.
I really don't know what I'm supposed
to do, except sit here and tell you
what I've done wrong. So here goes.
(then)
I've been pretending to be a-- how
would one phrase it in Catholic words?
A harlot. It's not like I've actually
been doing the things that people are
saying I'm doing, but then again, I'm
not denying them, so I've just been
wondering: is that wrong? There's a
lot of bad stuff going down at my
school which may or may not be
indirectly because of this masquerade.
(then)
I'm lying. You caught me. I may have
caused the end of a marriage. In my
own perverse way, I thought I could
help it. In my defense, I might talk
like an adult but I am merely an
adolescent. I should never have even
been propositioned in the way I was
propositioned by an adult. But then
again, I should never have consented.
It was just that a lot of people had
been asking me to do things and I
thought it was okay, because it wasn't
real. It was make-believe and no one
was getting hurt. But a lot of people
hate me now. I kind of hate me, too.

There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I could be wrong, but aren't you
supposed to say something or ask me
questions? Tell me to say ten Hail
Marys, pay a fine, advance token to
nearest Railroad? Hello?

She peers through the screen. There's no one there.

OLIVE
Oh, fuck me!

She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out.
 83.

EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY

Olive, upset at herself, storms out and starts running down the
sidewalk. She's never felt more alone and lost. Olive runs for
a little while longer and then turns a corner. Where she comes
across a Presbyterian Church.

INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Olive enters to find a sweet, portly Receptionist, 50s who is

searching through religious clip-art on her computer The lady
smiles, acknowledging Olive.

OLIVE
Hi. I was wondering if the minister
was around?

RECEPTIONIST
(super enthusiastic)
Pastor McGreevey is on vacation this
week. But our associate pastor is in.
Would you like to speak to him?

OLIVE
(matches her enthusiasm)
Actually, that would be fantastic!

RECEPTIONIST
Can I tell him what this is regarding?

OLIVE
I'm looking for a church to join and I
thought he might be able to sell me on
this fine establishment.

The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone.

RECEPTIONIST
Donald, there's a young lady here who
would like to speak with you about
joining. Uh-huh... Okey-dokey.
(points to an office)
You can go right in!

OLIVE
If everyone here is as friendly as
you, I think we might be in business.

She winks at the receptionist and crosses off.

INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Associate Pastor Donald is a gangly, borderline creepy man.

 84.

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD

Hello, young lady. My name is
Associate Pastor Donald. How can I
help you today?

He extends his hand and she shakes it.

OLIVE
Well, I'm new to the area, Associate
Pastor Donald. And I'm looking for a
church. Hopefully something with a
strong fellowship, a firm foot in the
soil of... divinity. And was
wondering what your church's stance on
lying and adultery was?

Don seems taken aback by the question.

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD

Well. It's not a good thing.

OLIVE
Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But
tell me: assuming there is a hell--

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD

The Presbyterian Church recognizes the
existence of hell.

OLIVE
Okay, fine. Let's say hell exists.
Which is worse: lying or adultery? Or
is lying about adultery like a double
whammy?

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD

I'm sorry, young lady, I-- what did
you say your name was?

At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a framed family
photo. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Donald, his wife, a
woman with a smile the size of Montana, and his lovely
daughter... Marianne Bryant! Olive jumps from up from her chair
and knocks it over by accident. She goes to catch it and knocks
some books off his desk, one of them the Bible.

OLIVE
You know what? I think I'm just going
to go and check out Judaism.
(backs up to the door)
The Jews and I have a lot in common.
Fashion-wise. And Florida. I love
the heat. Thank you for your time.

She bolts from his office.

 85.

INT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

Olive bursts past the receptionist and out the door.

EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH - CONTINUOUS

Olive takes off running down the sidewalk.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Yes. I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father of the leader of my
lynch mob. What other complete and
total idiot can say that's happened to
them?

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
As much as I want to say I hate
Marianne. I don't. I get her. Well,
I get certain things about her. She's
passionate. Like myself. She always
thinks she's right. Like myself.
And, yeah, I can kind of understand
why she slapped me that day. Here's
what happened...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY

Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting to

school and throws her arms around her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Remember how I said we were BFFs for,
like, a day. Well, that's true. It
was like we were sisters all of a
sudden.

Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes
with it. Rhiannon watches this and couldn't be more pissed.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Olive sits in class. Marianne texts her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
She texted me in first period.

Olive reads it. "HEY GIRLIE! HANG AFTR SKL 2DAY? XOXOX"
Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up. Across
the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers.
 86.

INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER

Marianne is working with her partner, Evan.

OLIVE (V.O.)
By second period, we apparently had
private jokes.

Marianne turns to Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal

behind his back and laughs. Olive, unaware of how to respond,
matches her laugh and gives another thumbs up.

INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER

The students are all making a five layer parfait. Marianne

ruses in, tear-streaked. She runs over to Olive and again
throws her arms around her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Tragedy struck in third period.

MARIANNE
Micah's in the hospital. He's in so
much pain! The nurse didn't know what
was wrong.

Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before.

OLIVE
He'll be okay. There there.

MARIANNE
(tears in her eyes)
Really?

Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder. She tastes

some parfait with her free hand.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Marianne's boyfriend Micah writhes in pain on a hospital bed,

clutching his crotch. His worried mother is beside him.

MICAH
It hurts so bad, Mommy.

A doctor enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis.

DOCTOR
Well, it's what I thought. Chlamydia.

Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes
both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably.
 87.

MICAH'S MOTHER
How did you get chlamydia? Who have
you been screwing?! Tell me! Tell me
now, or I'll kill you right here!

Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's hands
flying at astonishing speed shouts out--

MICAH
Olive! Olive Penderghast!

INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER

Micah's mother is on her cell phone.

MICAH'S MOTHER
(angrily)
Olive Penderghast.

INT. PERFECTLY APPOINTED KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The woman on the other end of the phone is a woman with a smile
the size of Montana: Marianne's mother. She hangs up. With a
grimace the size of Montana.

MARIANNE'S MOTHER
Goddamn it!

She picks up the phone and dials a number. She talks and
gestures animatedly as Olive narrates--

OLIVE (V.O.)
Fourth period was when Marianne had
office duty. Her duties included
typing, stapling, filing and...

INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY

Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape. She's

just heard from her mother that her boyfriend has chlamydia.

OLIVE (V.O.)
...answering the phones.

MARIANNE
(screams)
Chlamydia!

Birds fly off the windowsill. Mrs. Griffin comes out of her
office, a panicked expression on her face.
 88.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

MARIANNE'S MOTHER
(seething)
Olive Penderghast.

She hears static on the phone.

INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Marianne jams the phone in the cradle.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Are you okay, hon?

Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne quivers

in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts--

MARIANNE
That--

But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long

ringing of the school bell. The bell ends.

MARIANNE
--'cking hell!

She turns and tears out of the office.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

As we saw before, Marianne stomps through the hall with hatred

burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Okay, I exaggerated. We were just
BFFs for, like, a half-a-day.
Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.

OLIVE
(clutching her face)
Motherfucker!

Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and happily
slams her locker shut. Breezing past her--

RHIANNON
My sentiments exactly.

On Olive.
 89.

EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY

Micah's on his cell phone, smoking a cigarette. He checks every

few seconds to see if his mother is on her way out.

MICAH
I didn't know what to say! I
panicked! I said I got it from Olive
Penderghast... I know, but what was I
supposed to say?! And then my mom
called her mom... No, not Olive's,
Marianne's!... I tried to blame it on
their divorce, but my mom's not buying
it. I have to tell them... Okay.
But I don't care if you gave me
chlamydia. I love you and I want to
be with you and no one can stop us.
Not my mother, not Marianne, not the
school board--

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Mrs. Griffin slams the phone shut on her teenage lover and
begins freaking out. She grabs a box and starts throwing stuff
in it. Just then Olive bursts in. And as we saw before--

MRS. GRIFFIN
(snaps)
What?! What do you want?

Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look
at her.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Just go!

She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box.
It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.

MRS. GRIFFIN
That's perfect. Just perfect.

Olive is stunned.

OLIVE
I'm sorry, I was just looking for
Marianne. Did she say something about
being mad at me? She just smacked the
b'Jesus out of me.

This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder.

 90.

MRS. GRIFFIN
It's my fault. I'm so sorry, Olive.
I fucked up. I fucking fucked up so
fucking bad. I'm a fucking.... Fuck.

OLIVE
Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I
don't think you're supposed to use
that language around a student.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Yeah, well, you're not supposed to
fuck them either. But that didn't
stop me.

Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a little
louder than she planned.

OLIVE
You and-- Oh my God. I'm not judging
you or anything, but oh my God.
(then)
Wait. What does that have to do with
me?

Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She fights
back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive.

OLIVE (V.O.)
My guidance counselor, who had only
days before armed me with a latex
bulletproof vest, told me that she had
chlamydia and that she had been
screwing around with her office aide's
boyfriend under the guise of divorce
counseling. She confided in me that
she and her husband, my favorite
teacher, were having marital problems,
that they hadn't slept together in
months. She assured me she had never
meant for anything to happen with
Micah, but he was of legal age so they
didn't technically, legally do
anything wrong. And that after Micah
found about the aforementioned
chlamydia he panicked and used me as a
scapegoat, to save her job and her
marriage. She promised me she would
make sure everyone knew the truth and
apologized. But in much saltier
language.

Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak.

 91.

OLIVE (V.O.)
And I bought it. Why? I don't really
know. I just did.

Olive gives her a reassuring smile, and offers up a solution.

OLIVE
I could have chlamydia. And I could
easily have given it to Micah. Who
knows? Often times women don't have
symptoms and the whole world knows I
have been whoring around...

MRS. GRIFFIN
No, you haven't.

Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Because a real whore can't admit it to
herself, let alone others. Trust me.

She begins to weep. Olive puts her hand on her shoulder.

OLIVE
Call Micah. Tell him I said he's an
ass and that he owes me so big for
this and also the time I pretended not
to see him during that third grade
game of hide and seek. Tell him I
still remember that. But tell him I
confessed to giving him chlamydia.

Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
And it's not really my place to say
this, but I figure after the
conversation we just had, I can speak
candidly. Your husband is one USDA
Grade A great dude. If I were you,
I'd go home and seduce him and pretend
this never happened.

Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(sniveling)
Do you want some more condoms?

OLIVE
(maternally)
No, you keep them. And make sure you
use them tonight.
 92.

INT. PENDERGHAST LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The Penderghasts are assembled for family movie night in front

of their TV. Rosemary and Ginger are under a blanket and Dill
is digging through the DVDs. Olive seems distracted.

DILL
Okay, so I've narrowed it down to The
Other Boleyn Girl or The Bucket List.

GINGER
Why can't we watch a movie for kids?
You always get to pick.

DILL
That's because it's up to the "Family
Member of the Week" to pick the movie.

GINGER
But he gets "Family Member of the
Week" every week.

ROSEMARY
And there's a reason for that.

GINGER
Yeah, you decide who gets "Family
Member of the Week."

ROSEMARY
Are you accusing me of nepotism?

DILL
The Bucket List it is.
(to Rosemary)
Make sure after we watch it you cross
"watching The Bucket List" off our
bucket list.

OLIVE
Hey, listen. Just a heads up. If you
hear around town that I have
chlamydia, I just want you to know
it's totally false.

GINGER
What's chlamydia?

ROSEMARY
Olive, do we need to have the talk
with you? Again?

OLIVE
Don't freak out. It's just a thing
going around.
 93.

DILL
Yeah, if you're a sex worker in
Sarajevo.

GINGER
What's Sarajevo?

OLIVE
I'm just doing a little
anthropological social experiment.

DILL
Nothing you're saying is making me
feel better.

OLIVE
I promise you I have no STDs. I'm
just saying that if you hear anything
to the contrary, come up with some
funny retort and walk away.

GINGER
What's STDs?

ROSEMARY
They're cooties, sweetheart. Really,
really bad cooties.

GINGER
How bad?

ROSEMARY
Like what would happen if you kissed
Rush Limbaugh.

GINGER
Aw, puke. That guy's a twat.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
To say this whole thing had taken over
my life would be a colossal
understatement. I actually reread
"The Scarlet Letter" to see how Hester
dealt with it. Turns out she bore her
punishment in "humble silence" -- two
concepts I am not comfortable with.
But back to my contemporary yarn. How
could I be angry at Marianne? If some
bimbo gave my boyfriend an STD, I'd
have swung, but I'd have balled my
fist.
(lost in reverie)
(MORE)
 94.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
My boyfriend.
(then)
With all the mythical play I was
getting, I still hadn't actually been
asked out on a real date. Guys were
jumping up and down to say they'd
slept with me -- chlamydia be
damned -- but no one bothered really
trying to sleep with me. I was
starting to think I did have a gnome
down there. Until finally...

EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE

Seven year-old Olive and Rhiannon chase a boy all over the
playground, desperate to kiss him.

OLIVE (V.O.)
It was really Rhiannon who had a crush
on him. She has since we were little
kids.

Rhiannon finally catches him and kisses him on the cheek.

Repulsed, he wipes his face. Rhiannon and Olive high five.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Olive eats her lunch by herself. Rhiannon sits at a different

table, mostly comprised of girls, and glares at her from across
the room. Anson, the boy we saw earlier with Rhiannon,
approaches Olive.

ANSON
Hey, Olive.

OLIVE
Anson. What's good?

ANSON
I was wondering if you were busy
tonight. Maybe wanna go out or
something?

OLIVE
What'd you have in mind?

ANSON
I don't know. I was thinking about
getting a hot air balloon, taking
along some champagne and melon, and
then trying to impress you by reading
some Sylvia Plath.

OLIVE
Or we could just go to Red Lobster?
 95.

ANSON
I love Red Lobster! Should I still
bring the Sylvia Plath?

OLIVE
Nah. We could always just stick our
heads in the oven if we run out of
things to talk about.

ANSON
Cool.

Olive smiles like she's never smiled before.

INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT

Olive and Anson sit in a dimly-lit booth. Olive looks

beautiful. The 'A' on her shirt is sequined.

OLIVE
I can't think of anything better than
getting to select your dinner and have
nice conversation while they boil it
alive in the back.

ANSON
Order anything you want on the menu.

OLIVE
Do you believe this whole thing about
lobster being an aphrodisiac?

ANSON
(lying out his ass)
I didn't know it was.

OLIVE
You know, medical science has not
substantiated claims that any
particular food increases sexual
desire or performance. Yet guys spend
and spend to ply women with food they
think is gonna get them lucky. I
mean, what's really sexy about
slurping back oysters? Some people
even eat ground up rhinoceros horn
because it's thought to enlarge the
male sex organ. It's all bullshit.
And Spanish fly? It's actually
pulverized blister beetle. And it's
illegal in the US because if you take
just a bit too much, it causes painful
urination, fever and bloody discharge.

Anson gags. A server appears with their lobster.

 96.

SERVER
Your Maine lobster with crab and
seafood stuffing.

OLIVE
Yum!

Olive digs in. Anson is nauseous and can't touch his. From
across the restaurant, a parade of servers enters from the back,
enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake. Leading the
brigade is Woodchuck Todd, who's wearing a red foam hat. With
as much spirit, as he has as a Woodchuck--

WOODCHUCK TODD
I don't know but I've been told!

PARADE OF SERVERS
I don't know but I've been told!

He leads them through to another part of the restaurant.

OLIVE
(To Anson)
I didn't know Woodchuck Todd worked
here! And he's a lobster! I wonder
if I should start calling him Lobster
Todd?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Marguerite is getting old!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Marguerite is getting old!

They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes her
neck to see... Rhiannon! She's sitting with her drunk parents
at a table in the next room.

OLIVE
Shit!

WOODCHUCK TODD
The best thing is her dessert is free!

PARADE OF SERVERS
The best thing is her dessert is free!

WOODCHUCK TODD
The worst thing is I sing off-key!

PARADE OF SERVERS
The worst thing is I sing off-key!

Olive is visibly squirming in her seat.

 97.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sound off!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Happy!

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sound off!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Birthday!

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sound off!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Happy birthday to you!

For the big finish, Woodchuck Todd does a freestyle dance as he

freestyle scats--

WOODCHUCK TODD
Happy happy birthday happy happy
birthday happy happy happy happy happy
birthday to you to you happy birthday
birthday birthday to you to you happy
happy birthday to you!

Everyone claps unenthusiastically.

OLIVE
(to herself)
Fuck.

ANSON
What's wrong?

OLIVE
Rhiannon's over there.

ANSON
So?

OLIVE
So? She's been in love with you since
first grade.

ANSON
So?

OLIVE
She's my best friend.

ANSON
I thought you two weren't speaking.
 98.

OLIVE
We're not, but it doesn't mean she's
not my best friend. Or that I should
be out with you.

ANSON
Then why are you?

OLIVE
I don't know. You asked me out.

ANSON
Exactly. I have no interest in her.
I mean, we're friends, but--

OLIVE
She can't see us.

Anson moves to block Rhi's view of Olive.

ANSON
Do you want me to get the check?

OLIVE
Would you mind?

ANSON
(to passing server)
Could we get our check?

SERVER
Is everything okay?

OLIVE
I just remembered I'm allergic to
shellfish. I always forget that my
respiratory system will collapse and
I'll die. My bad, sorry.

Olive digs in her purse and pulls out a gift certificate.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I have a gift certificate.

She hands it to the waitress, who leaves.

ANSON
But I asked you out.

OLIVE
And I ruined it so let me bear the
financial brunt.
(beat)
I'm so sorry about this. But she
really likes you.
 99.

ANSON
But Rhi and I just don't have that
much in common.

OLIVE
And you and I do?

ANSON
Yeah.

OLIVE
Like what?

ANSON
I hate Marianne Bryant, too.

OLIVE
Yeah well, if that's our magical
connection, I should date the entire
school.

ANSON
Haven't you?

Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit pissed.

OLIVE
Yeah, about that--

The server reappears with the check.

SERVER
You have a remaining balance of
fourteen dollars and thirty six cents.

OLIVE
Keep it. Tip.

SERVER
Thank you! And thanks for making Red
Lobster your choice for seafood
tonight.

The sever smiles and leaves them again.

OLIVE
Let's get out of here.

They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down, but
Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if Rhiannon sees
them. She does. Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas
Olive looks remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been
stabbed in the back, which she has. The Abernathys also see her
and wave, drunkenly -- knocking over glasses as they do. Olive
just waves sheepishly and leaves with Anson.
 100.

EXT. RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

Olive and Anson sit in Anson's car. Olive's face is painted

with guilt. She feels like shit, but doesn't want to
externalize it. Anson puts his hand on her knee.

ANSON
I have something for you.

Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a gift card and hands it to her.

ANSON (CONT'D)
$500 to the Home Depot.

OLIVE
Oh. I didn't realize that this was--

ANSON
I know it sounds lame, but they've got
awesome stuff. I bought my air
compressor there.

Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it.

OLIVE
So, what did we 'do' on this date?

ANSON
Whatever $500 gets me.

He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off.

OLIVE
Wait. This isn't how it works. I
don't actually--

But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She pushes
him off again.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
You don't get it. I'm not technically
having sex with people for money. You
know that, right? Besides, even if I
was, we're in the parking lot of a Red
Lobster.

ANSON
We can go wherever you want. But I
think it'd be kind of hot here.

He takes off his shirt.

OLIVE
I gotta go. It's been... sad.
 101.

She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window.

ANSON
What are you doing? I paid you!

Olive throws the gift in the window.

OLIVE
Now you didn't.

ANSON
Come on, dude! I'm popping some
serious wood over here.

Olive just shakes her head and walks off. Tears form in her
eyes. She starts to run through the parking lot. Anson peels
out and drives off in the background. Olive has never felt more
depressed. She's now truly a prostitute. At full speed she
tries to rip her 'A' off her chest, but it's sewed on too
tightly. Just then Woodchuck Todd appears out nowhere, coming
out the back exit of Red Lobster.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Hey, Olive!

Olive stops in her tracks.

OLIVE
Todd!

Olive wipes the tears away.

OLIVE
I got something in my eye. Like a
twig or a branch or a contact.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I didn't know you wore contacts.

OLIVE
I don't. That's why I'm tearing up.

WOODCHUCK TODD
What are you doing here?

OLIVE
Oh, I'm just hanging out in the
parking lot. I do that sometimes.
Not necessarily just here. The one
outside of Applebee's is fun, too.

WOODCHUCK TODD
(laughs)
You want a ride somewhere?
 102.

OLIVE
Nah. I'm fine.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Your friend Rhi's inside. It's her
Mom's birthday.

Tears begin to reappear in Olive's eyes.

OLIVE
She's not my friend anymore.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Let me drive you home.

Todd puts his arm around her and leads her to his car.

INT./EXT. WOODCHUCK TODD'S CAR - NIGHT

Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine" plays on the

radio. Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't
stop crying as Todd drives her home.

WOODCHUCK TODD
You wanna talk about it?

OLIVE
What's to say? I'm a horrible person.
Everyone thinks I'm a whore and, for
the first time, I'm starting to
believe it.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Huh?

OLIVE
Oh, don't act like you don't know what
people are saying about me.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.

OLIVE
Why not?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Contrary to my primatial gyrations on
the gym floor, I'm not an idiot. I
know exactly what's going on and I
know exactly what you're doing.

OLIVE
Who told you?
 103.

WOODCHUCK TODD
No one had to tell me. All I know is
once upon a time, there was a scared
little kid in a closet at a party who
wasn't ready for his first kiss and
there was this amazing little girl who
lied for him.

She smiles through her tears.

OLIVE
I still can't believe you remember
that.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I also remember that after I ran out
you pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know
about that, by the way.

OLIVE
And look how he turned out.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sometimes I pretend you were my first
real kiss.

OLIVE
(laughs)
Yeah? Who was?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Rhiannon. You know that. She must've
told you. You guys are thick as car
thieves.

OLIVE
What?!

WOODCHUCK TODD
Yeah. About a year later. It sucked.

OLIVE
That bitch! She knew how I felt about
you!

WOODCHUCK TODD
How do you feel about me?

OLIVE
She did it first! And here I am
feeling sooo bad and... that bitch!

WOODCHUCK TODD
Wait. How do you feel about me?
 104.

OLIVE
(aggressively defensive)
Felt. I said felt.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Oh.

He stops the car. They're at her house.

OLIVE
How do you know where I live?

WOODCHUCK TODD
We used to carpool.

OLIVE
Yeah, in second grade. Are you like a
savant for people's addresses?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Just people who I think are cool.

OLIVE
You think I'm cool?

WOODCHUCK TODD
I do. And pretty. And smart.

OLIVE
And did you form this opinion prior to
my little transformation...

WOODCHUCK TODD
Way prior.

OLIVE
Wow.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Yeah.

OLIVE
Why didn't that rumor spread?

WOODCHUCK TODD
I like to keep my business to myself.
Notoriety, for whatever reason, never
seems to benefit the noted, only the
notees.

OLIVE
(laughs)
Where were you two weeks ago?

There's an awkward moment between them.

 105.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Olive. If I promise not to tell
anyone, could I kiss you?

Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic

moment of her young life, Olive looks down.

OLIVE
No.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Oh. Okay. I'm sorry.

OLIVE
No. Just not tonight. I don't want
you to kiss me with mascara running
down my cheek and some horndog just
having forced his tongue down my
throat. I've wanted to kiss you since
the eighth grade, but I want it to be
perfect. And right now, my life's a
mess. I need to get my "business"
under control before I drag you into
it.

WOODCHUCK TODD
What if I told you I wanted to be
dragged into it? Maybe I could help.

He holds out his hand and she takes it.

OLIVE
No, this is all on me. Rain check?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Of course.

He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out of
the car and turns back--

OLIVE
Why now? Why are you suddenly into me
now?

WOODCHUCK TODD
I don't know. I haven't over analyzed
it. Like you're about to.

He smiles. She smiles back and walks to her house.

 106.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Now that I knew there were actually
decent and good-hearted people out
there -- and stone cold foxy to boot --
I had a reason for things to go back
to the way they were. Telling lies
was easy, telling the truth... Not so
much. But I had to do it. And I knew
I had to go to the one person I could
count on to set the story straight.
Brandon. I'd helped him and, even
though it would destroy his new
reputation for being a straight stud,
I knew he'd help me.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

A gossipy girl in braces fill the frame--

GOSSIPY GIRL
Oh my God, did you hear that Brandon
ran away from home? Yeah. Totally.
He left his parents a note that said:
"F you, I'm gay." Then he skipped
town with a big, hulking black guy.

We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction.

OLIVE
(to herself)
Sorry, Mark Twain. I underestimated
you.

GOSSIPY GIRL
Huh?

OLIVE
Nothing.

Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls.

OLIVE (V.O.)
It gets worse. Due to his "condition"
Micah was sent on an extended visit to
his grandparents in Palatka, Florida.
Palatka is Timucuan Indian for "real
shit hole."
 107.

EXT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN PALETKA - DAY

Unkempt, rundown yard of what was once probably a nice house.

Through the window we see Micah, beyond miserable, sitting
between his stern grandparents who read the Bible to him.

OLIVE (V.O.)
No telephone, no TV, no computer, no
internet and, most importantly, no
diseased sexual partners.
(then)
I wonder if God told him to get
chlamydia.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Olive pleads with Evan under the bleachers where they previously
met.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I went to everyone I'd helped and
begged them to say it wasn't true.

EVAN
No way. I gave you money.

OLIVE
You gave me a gift card to Autozone.
I don't even have a car.

EVAN
I thought it'd be aspirational.

OLIVE
Come on, Evan. Please.

EVAN
I don't want people to know I didn't
go to second base with you. Do you
know how many more girls I've hooked
up with because of that?

OLIVE
(disgusted)
Girls are almost as dumb as boys.

EVAN
(psyched)
Yeah, they are.

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY

Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long moment

of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then--
 108.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Olive, life is full of choices. I
made a bad one. But then, so did you.
We both acted unwisely, but I don't
see any other alternative than to live
with the guilt. My guilt stems from
my indiscretion, yours for lying.
We've made our choices. Now, we have
to ride them out.

OLIVE
Or I could just tell everyone the
truth and get you fired and put in
jail.

MRS. GRIFFIN
First of all, he is of age which makes
it perfectly legal. And secondly,
let's play the "who do you believe"
game. Ask yourself, if you were an
adult, who would you believe?

OLIVE
With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin, go
fuck yourself. And use one of your
condoms-- you wouldn't want to catch
something nasty from yourself.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Because you helped me once, I'm not
going to report you to Principal
Gibbons. Now we're even.

They're locked in a Mexican standoff.

MRS. GRIFFIN
You can go now.

Olive storms out.

INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into

the room.

OLIVE
Your wife has chlamydia and she's been
sleeping with a student and she gave
it to him and now she's trying to
blame me.

Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser.

MR. GRIFFIN
What?
 109.

The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she stumbles.

OLIVE
I-I-I'm sorry. I--

Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story.

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Looking back, that's the thing I
regret the most. That's the thing
that sent me to the church...es. And
that's the thing that made me realize
how profoundly I'd screwed up. And
that's something I'll have to live
with for the rest of my life. With my
words, even though they were true, I
ended a marriage. No kid should have
to be burdened with that. Although I
don't really classify myself as a kid
any more after all this. God,
adulthood's overrated. Why are we all
in such a fucking hurry?

INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Olive sits and plays Jenga with Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both
are looking beaten down and very depressed and their minds are
on everything but the game.

MR. GRIFFIN
It's not your fault.

Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a block on the top and
it all topples.

OLIVE
That's imagery for you.

Mr. Griffin rakes the blocks into his own cardboard box, full of
his things. She starts to well with tears.

OLIVE
I'm so sorry.

MR. GRIFFIN
No. It's not your fault. You wanted
to right the wrongs. Even if they
weren't your wrongs to right.

He grasps her shoulders and looks her in the eyes.

 110.

MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)

I expect great things out of you.
Remember what Douglas MacArthur said
when confronted with a problem:
mountain get out of my way.

OLIVE
Montel Williams also said that.

He smiles and walks out, leaving Olive alone in the classroom.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this,
just know, I was wrong to tell you
that. In that way. At all. I
shouldn't have done it. I don't feel
bad for lying for your wife. But I
hate myself for telling you the truth.
You were right: it wasn't my wrong.
I'm so sorry.

She holds up some papers. This time it's written in red shiny
bedazzled letters like her 'A.'

OLIVE
Part Five: Not With a Whimper But With
a Bang.

She pushes a button and "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter plays.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I told you I watch "American Idol."
But so do you, 'cause if you didn't
you wouldn't get the reference so suck
it.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

As we saw before, the Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside

of the school waving signs on wooden stakes. Olive steps out of
the school to see the demonstration. Her jaw drops. Things
have gotten way to out of hand.

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - NIGHT

Olive and Rosemary take in the view at night. Olive clutches

her American Girl doll on which she has sewn a red "A."
Rosemary listens, as a good mother does.

OLIVE
So now everyone who knows the truth is
either gone or won't 'fess up.
(MORE)
 111.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
The Cross Your Legs Club is demanding
my head. And the messed up thing is
that I wouldn't put it past Gibbons to
expel me.

ROSEMARY
I had a similar situation when I was
your age.

OLIVE
Everyone called you a slut?

ROSEMARY
I had a horrible reputation and people
said awful things about me.

OLIVE
Why?

ROSEMARY
Because I was a slut. A big old slut.
I slept with a whole bunch of people.
A slew. A heap. A peck. Mostly
guys.

OLIVE
Mom!

ROSEMARY
Well! It was a different time.

OLIVE
Ewwww!

ROSEMARY
Sorry, I got around. Before I met
Dad, I had incredibly low self-worth
and I spread my legs for anyone.

OLIVE
(holds up her doll)
Do me a favor and stuff this down my
throat so I asphyxiate to death?

ROSEMARY
It's true. And I was quite the
contortionist back then. Plus let's
not forget I had the boobs of a porn
star. I mean, out to here. I'm not
blaming you, but lactation was not
kind to Mama's tig 'ol bitties.

Olive shoves the doll in her own mouth.

 112.

ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
I just want you to know that I also
took a lot of heat because of a
certain dalliance.

OLIVE
I promise it wasn't as bad as
Marianne Bryant's attack on me.

ROSEMARY
Wanna bet? It was her mother.

OLIVE
What?

ROSEMARY
Yup. Don Bryant and I got caught in a
very compromising and complicated
position in the locker room during a
basketball game.

OLIVE
That's disgusting! He's disgusting!

ROSEMARY
He wasn't back then. He was actually
a stone cold fox. All I'm saying is
that maybe the reason that Bryant girl
is going after you is because her
mother told her about me.

OLIVE
The sins of the mother are revisited
on the daughter.

ROSEMARY
There's something else you should
know. This is hard to say but... Don
Bryant is your father. Marianne is
your sister.

Olive turns white.

ROSEMARY
Just kidding!
(then)
Well, about the sister thing, not
about the Don thing. That happened.
Actually that happened a couple-few
times before we got caught.

Olive punches her mother, who's laughing hysterically.

 113.

OLIVE
I hate you so much right now. Can't
you see I'm a mess!

ROSEMARY
No, you're not, Olive. You're
wonderful. And you're going to handle
this the same way I did. With an
incontrovertible sense of humor. But
you're much smarter than me, so you'll
come out of this much better than I
did.

OLIVE
(hugs her)
Thanks, Mom. I have to make some
phone calls.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY

It's a big pep rally. The dance team is dancing away attempting
to rile up the school with a wildly mediocre routine set to
"Umbrella" by Rihanna. They all hold umbrellas and open and
close them to the beat. Almost. In the stands, Rhi sits with
Marianne and Nina.

MARIANNE
Olive wasn't at school today.

She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them.
Marianne puts her arm around Rhi.

MARIANNE
I'm so glad you're with us now.

RHIANNON
Me, too. You guys fucking rock.

MARIANNE
We don't say that word, Rhiannon.

NINA
Just say "effing" instead.

MARIANNE
We effing rock.

RHIANNON
But isn't that just implying the same
word?

MARIANNE
Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to
teach you about Christianity. It's
okay to imply things.
 114.

NINA
And even do things.

MARIANNE
It's all about presentation.

Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at her.
The dance team ends their routine and the marching band starts a
drum roll. Woodchuck Todd bounces out in costume pushing a
dumpster. The band begins to a jazzy version of "Knock on
Wood." Woodchuck Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive
pops out. She's dressed in a glittery and slinky red dress,
with a boa draped around her bare shoulder. She sings into a
hand held mic:

OLIVE
I don't want to lose you, this good
thing that I got. 'Cause if I do I
will surely, surely lose a lot.
'Cause your love is better than any
love I know.

Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster as she sings her ass off.
And she's actually really good.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
It's like thunder, lightning, the way
you love me is frightening. I'd
better knock, on wood, baby.

In the bleachers--

ZIA
Is that Olive?

EVAN
(in love)
Yeah.

Guys begin to wolf whistle and howl at her sheer brilliance.

OLIVE
Well I'm not superstitious about you
but I can't take no chance. You got
me spinnin', baby. Baby I'm in a
trance. It's like thunder, lightning,
the way you love me is frightening.
I'd better knock, on wood, baby.

She rubs her hands seductively over Woodchuck Todd's furry

costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the head to
reveal: Blue Devil Todd. The crowd goes wild.
 115.

WOODCHUCK TODD
(sotto, to Olive)
John Hughes's got nothing on you.

She kisses him then continues--

OLIVE
It's like thunder, lightning, the way
you love me is frightening. I'd
better knock on wood baby. Oh yeah!

She walks up the stairs to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek,
leaving a big, red mark.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood.

She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop her.
She walks over to a couple of horn players, and runs her fingers
seductively over their (uh) instruments. The crowd goes wild -
some appalled, but most enthused. Olive sashays through the
crowd as the guys scream and stuff money down her bodice.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood.

The place goes nuts and Olive takes Todd's hand.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
This is just a free preview. For the
main event log on to www.freeolive.com
tonight at 6PM. I know it conflicts
with tonight's basketball game, but
c'mon, would you rather be here
cheering on the Woodchucks...
(re: Todd, lasciviously)
Or watch me do one.

There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless. Gibbons

angrily storms over and takes the microphone.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Young lady, to my office. Now!

OLIVE
Yeah, I can't. I got a date with my
boyfriend. And the rest of the
school. And before you expel me you
might want to talk to Mrs. Griffin.

She points to Mrs. Griffin. Across the gym.

 116.

OLIVE
I think she'll talk you into letting
me stay.
(into mic)
Go Woodchucks!

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK

OLIVE
(into webcam)
And here you all are. Waiting outside
the closet door for me to kiss Todd,
listening to me pretend to have sex
with Brandon, paying me to lie for
you, calling probably the last virgin
in school a whore. It was just like
Hester in "The Scarlet Letter."
That's one thing the movie and
Wikipedia don't tell you: how shitty
it feels to be the outcast. Warranted
or not.

Olive hears something from outside and she gets up. The camera
picks her up as she crosses the window and looks out.

INTERCUT:

EXT. OLIVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Music: "Laid" by James.

Todd is riding a lawn mower (a la Patrick Dempsey) and holding

up a boombox (a la John Cusack). Olive bursts into laughter,
but it couldn't be more romantic. She shouts down--

OLIVE
Who told you that I loved this song?

WOODCHUCK TODD
I guessed!

OLIVE
I see you've been watching my live
webcast. It's still going on, you
know.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Fuck them. They've had enough of you.
Well, figuratively speaking. I
borrowed my neighbor's John Deere.
Come down here.

OLIVE
That rhymed.
 117.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Intentionally.

OLIVE
Be right down.

Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she runs back to
the camera. Back to the webcam--

OLIVE (CONT'D)
That's Todd. Not that I owe any of
you any more confessions, but I'm
really in love with him. And I am
going to lose my virginity to him.
I'm not sure when. It could happen
five minutes from now or tonight or
six months from now or maybe on our
wedding night. But the really amazing
thing is that it's nobody's goddamn
business.
(as an afterthought)
Like, totally?

The screen goes dark. Back to our camera: the room is empty.
Olive is gone. After a beat, out the window WE SEE Olive
running across the grass. She jumps on Todd and tackles him off
the mower, kissing him the whole way. In broad daylight, for
the world to see.

FADE OUT:
OVER CREDITS:

INT. GYM - NIGHT

The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium.

Maybe ten kids in the stands. One of whom is staring intently
at his laptop. It's Olive's webcam page. And she's not in the
room.

KID
What happened? Where'd she go?

MONTAGE

We see, from the perspective of their computer screens, various

reactions to Olive's webcast--

-- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A muscular black

guy comes up behind him and puts his arm around him.

-- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been

found out and who's days are numbered. They are.

-- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in

love with Olive since grade school. Duh.
 118.

-- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while eating

chocolate cake.

-- Melanie Bostic watches with a group of girls.

MELANIE
Told you guys. Pay up.

-- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed.

-- Mr. Griffin is proud of her.

-- Micah watches in his dark bedroom.

MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER
Micah? What are you doing in there?
(sternly)
You had better not be on the sin-
ternet.

-- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch. Ginger
is across the room holding a "King Fu Panda" DVD.

-- Zia is on his bed with a bottle of moisturizing lotion and a

box of tissues.

ZIA
(disappointed)
I thought she was going to take her
clothes off.

EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - SAME

Olive and Todd ride off on the lawnmower together. They raise
their fists a la Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club.

OLIVE
Don't you forget about me.

FREEZE FRAME.

FADE OUT: