EROTIC

massage

SENSUAL TOUCH FOR DEEP PLEASURE & EXTENDED AROUSAL

Charla Hathaway

DEDICATION

For all claiming joy as a touchstone and pleasure as a path into the wonder
of a new world.


 CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION Body Time

CHAPTER 1 Showing Up for Pleasure

CHAPTER 2 Body Caresses

CHAPTER 3 Back Body Massage

CHAPTER 4 Erotic Front Body Massage

CHAPTER 5 Erotic Self-Massage

CHAPTER 6 Erotic Genital Massage

CHAPTER 7 Sensual Shower and Erotic Bath Massage

CHAPTER 8 Kissing, Oral Sex, and Intercourse

CHAPTER 9 Coming to Stillness

Resources

Acknowledgments

 BODY time

Welcome to a simple guide into another way of being. I invite you to abandon
your thoughts and enter your body senses. Learning to fall effortlessly into the
body and spend timeless moments in erotic trance is your birthright. This
book is your guide. Each page reclaims forgotten pleasures of your most
treasured but least utilized sense—touch. Our bodies are naturally wired for
ecstasy. Our sense of touch, unlike the other senses, grows more acute with
age, as does our ability to enjoy it. The tools to develop our body’s innate
ecstasy potential are simple and profound. These techniques are covered in
Erotic Massage in a way that’s easy to learn and fun to practice!
I will guide you breath by breath, stroke by stroke, into the suspended
consciousness of deep surrender for both giving and receiving a sensual
massage. Whether you have five minutes or two hours to spare, you’ll be
inspired to drop into body time every day to relax your mind, energize your
body, and elevate your heart.
Warning: This book may be hazardous to your status quo. You can get
addicted to body time and need a fix of juicy, in-the-moment touch every day.
You may lose your feeling of separateness from your body, as well as your
feeling of detachment from your partner. You may claim a new comfort and
appreciation for your being, and a desire to share it more often with your
lover! Reading this book is your commitment to embracing your ecstatic
nature.
I encourage you to pursue more pleasure in life, a message we don’t often
hear at home, school, work, or church. You can cultivate and embody greater
levels of erotic energy in your body than you ever imagined. I know this from
personal experience. I was over fifty before I learned the techniques of erotic
trance that I’m sharing with you in this book. We’re never too young or too
old to expand our sensuality. The techniques for erotic massage in these pages
will guide you clearly and joyfully into expanded pleasure, healthy well-
being, and even personal transformation.

I want to demystify massage and enable you to learn many massage
activities that you may choose to share with a partner, or perform by yourself,
whenever you’re in the mood for sensual touch.
Massage is spiritual food. We start with simple caresses of the hand or face
that take only ten minutes out of a busy day. You’ll learn to communicate
your preferences and express your desires before we move on to full body
massages and genital touch.
By committing to time frames and expressing boundaries for each massage,
you learn to build trust and compliance with your partner. When we know
what to expect in an activity, we can let our guard down and begin to feel.
Until we feel safe, nothing is erotic! You’ll become a child again, discovering
and playing with the body erotic. You’ll delight in touching for your own
pleasure and being aware of the wonder of life in each breath. You’ll learn
how to take turns as the giver or the receiver of touch in each activity to
deepen your awareness of each other’s bodies.
The adult child in you will remember how to play without strings attached.
You’ll practice touch without the need to go someplace, touch without
payback, touch without pressure to perform, and touch without obligation.
You’ll learn free touching where the mind is focused only on the sensation in
the present moment.
Learning to lusciously touch yourself expands your enjoyment of being
touched by a partner. By revolutionizing your self-loving (masturbation)
techniques, you can bring a new depth and eroticism to partner genital
massage. Self-erotic massage in front of your partner is a hot way to
transform old inhibited routines into new freedom and bliss.
If you are ready to relax your mind and come to your senses, follow me
breath by breath, stroke by stroke, into the heart of your loving.
If you are tired of thinking all the time, massage will guide you into
observing.
If you are tired of controlling all the time, massage will lead you into
surrender.
If you are tired of achieving all the time, massage will lead you into being.
If you are ready to luxuriate in the awe and wonder of each juicy moment,
let’s get started. While this book is designed for couples, most exercises can
also be practiced alone. Based on the photo, I’ll be addressing either a man or
a woman throughout the book, but the massage techniques usually are not
gender-specific. My suggestion to you is to first read each chapter and then
perform the exercises sequentially until you feel comfortable with them.
When rereading the book, feel free to pick and choose randomly.
Most of us long to touch and be touched in a timeless, heartfelt way. We
long to feel accepted and cherished for the erotic, sensual beings we are.
Erotic massage has been my path to greater freedom and grace. I invite you to
journey into the heart of your being.

 chapter ONE
SHOWING UP FOR PLEASURE

Saying yes to pleasure is an acquired skill in our culture. Having fun every
day is not usually written into our agenda. Our knee-jerk reaction to pleasure
is, “Sounds nice, but I don’t have time.” Unfortunately, we don’t do pleasure
well.
How many of us get touched enough in our daily lives? When we were
babies, we were held, rocked, and touched all day long. Do we really believe
that as adults we don’t need it anymore? In our busyness, do we hide a deep
hunger to feel cherished, appreciated, and desired?
How can a hardworking, touch-starved person become a rested, touch-fed
person? Do we need a doctor’s order? “You look frazzled; go home and
languish in the arms of your beloved till restored.” Do we need a boss’s
order? “Sales are down; go home, take a long sensual shower, massage
yourself, and start daydreaming.”
We all remember being “caught” daydreaming as a child and reprimanded
by a parent or teacher: “Quit daydreaming; you’re wasting time.” However,
what was being wasted in that time? Maybe being busy all the time is a waste
of time. We call ourselves human beings, but we never seem to get around to
“being.” We’re a world full of human doers. And in our frenetic doing and
achieving, how much joy and freedom do we feel?
Often our fearful, dualistic thinking leads us to believe we have to choose
between two extremes. In this book, I want to show you that you don’t have
to decide between a life of hard work or pleasure; rather, it’s possible to have
both! Balance enriches our lives, and it’s important to relish in body wisdom
and joy everyday.

PERMISSION FOR MORE PLEASURE

As a sex and intimacy coach, my most important job is to give people
permission to have more fun. I’m a pleasure activist. My mantras are “Choose
fun. Do it for you. Have it your way. Say yes to desires—and express them!” I
encourage women to flirt, turn themselves on, and brag. I help men trade in
their intellectual minds and preoccupation with “doing” for some enjoyment
of the moment and feeling in their bodies. I see a softness wash over the faces
of my clients, a liveliness and hope returning, and the hidden girl or boy
comimg out to play. I’ve seen it, and I love watching it happen.
I like to imagine a world serious about pleasure. You greet a friend
excitedly: “Want to hear about the greatest orgasm I had last night?” Or, “The
funniest thing happened when I was self-pleasuring in the laundry room this
morning.” Or, teasingly, “Did I ever tell you my fantasy about …?” We’re all
ears. We’re kids at heart. When did we stop playing? When can we start
again?
Erotic massage will elevate your pleasure ceiling. If you experience
boredom and routine in your life, I prescribe a regular dose of touch—the
sensual, no-pressure, no-destination kind of touch. I suggest you schedule
some time—five, ten, or twenty minutes most days (and occasionally longer)
to explore the body erotic with massage activities in this book. Pleasure is a
discipline. Put it on the schedule.
Touching is the gateway
into our hearts.



BREATHING AND THE BODY ELECTRIC

Learning simple breathing techniques is the key to enjoying an erotic
massage. Conscious breathing teaches you to rid the mind of chatter and the
need to “perform” for your partner. Awareness of your breath can move erotic
energy generated in one area, such as the genitals, into an electrifying whole-
body experience.
Conscious breathing slows the mind, deepens touch sensations, and
suspends ordinary time. By focusing on the breath, we can experience a deep,
nourishing embodiment. Our sense of separateness melts, self-doubt
evaporates, and we simultaneously feel energized and relaxed. Focusing on
your breath becomes the pathway to connection with your partner and the
entire cosmos.
We in the West have overlooked how awareness of the breath, long
practiced by the mystics of many traditions, is a simple yet profound tool for
personal transformation. You may be surprised how practicing ocean
breathing can bring immediate and powerful changes.

OCEAN BREATHING: SOLO

Ocean breathing is a slow, even, deep breathing with an occasional sigh of
“Ahhhh” on the exhale. It’s a sure pathway into erotic surrender or trance,
whether you’re giving or receiving an erotic massage.
Practice ocean breathing by constricting your nostrils slightly on the inhale,
so you can hear the airstream coming in through your nose. Remember when
you were a child and someone put a shell up to your ear and said, “Listen, you
can hear the ocean inside”? That’s the sound you make through your nose
with each inhale. Let your relaxed abdomen rise with the inhale, and allow
your mind to follow the ocean sound of your breath all the way into your
belly.
On the exhale, open your month slightly and let out an “Ahhhh” as if you
were fogging up a mirror with your moist, warm exhale. Soften your throat
and feel the vibrations as you sigh or moan on the exhale. Try placing your
hand over your throat to feel the vibrations. Let the sound flow out
effortlessly through the open throat.

When you and your partner practice conscious breathing, your sense
of separateness melts and you simultaneously feel energized and relaxed.

Learn to “ride the sound” of each breath by following with your mind the air
coming in and falling out of the body. Keep your belly soft. Direct your mind,
over and over again, to follow the sound of each breath. Yogis know that if
you can hear your breath and can follow it, you are in the present moment.
Meditative and spiritual sexuality practices such as Tantra (the yoga of sex)
start with awareness of the breath. Ecstatic massage is no different. Breath is
your ticket to ecstasy.
Set a timer for five minutes and sit comfortably to practice ocean breathing.
Timers keep us from distracting ourselves by watching a clock. This gentle
exercise can feel like coming home to yourself—even making gentle love to
yourself. Developing a daily practice of ocean breathing strengthens your
ability to let go of the mind and recede into your body during a massage.
“You know the feeling you get from orgasm after sex, not the energy
rush but the peaceful, melancholy feeling that nothing in the world
bothers you? That’s what the eye contact, breathing, and focus of my
girlfriend’s touch during my full body massage did for me. Not only was
all the tension in my muscles gone, but I also felt a little purified.”

 —Tom, 32

OCEAN BREATHING FOR TWO

Set the timer for five minutes. Sit across from your partner cross-legged with
your knees touching (with or without clothes on), or with the woman sitting
on the man’s lap. Look into the left eye of your partner with a soft gaze. Be
aware of the space behind your eyes. Notice your breathing. Is it slow and
deep, or fast and irregular? Gradually synchronize your breathing and hold
each other’s gentle gaze.
Begin ocean breathing together, listening to both your and your partner’s
inhale and exhale. If her breath is inaudible, ask her to make more sound. We
have been taught to breathe silently, so breathing in a more vocal manner may
be an obstacle some people may have to overcome. Find a slow rhythm that is
comfortable for both of you. Enjoy the permission to gaze upon your beloved,
sharing the same breath, and making sound together. When your mind
wanders, gently return your attention to the breath.
Be willing to tap into another way of being. Often our mind resists at some
point and wants to regain control. Right beyond this point awaits trance—an
expansive and delicious state. You can assure the thinking mind that you will
return after a few minutes of observing the breath. You soon will look forward
to taking a break from ordinary consciousness by ocean breathing. Your
power of concentration and attention will need to be exercised. If you’re
patient, the rewards will be great.
End the ocean-breathing session with a heart salutation. Place your hands
together in prayer position at your heart, your thumbs touching the
breastbone. Inhale deeply with your partner, then lean forward toward each
other, exhaling as the middle of your foreheads touch at the third eye (also
called the mind’s eye, which is our center of intuition). A heart salutation
honors the divine spark in each of us and brings closure to the many activities
you’ll be practicing in this book.
“I’d never really looked at Natalie like that before taking the time to
really see her. I guess we usually don’t give ourselves that permission to
really see one another. Letting our thoughts go and breathing in sync, I
felt relaxed and transported.”

 —Randy, 34

Ocean breathe with your partner by synchronizing your breathing
and holding each other’s gentle gaze.

CREATING A SEXY SPACE

Years ago I received an original, artistic invitation in the mail from my
husband inviting me to a “Night of Sensual Ecstasy.” I was returning home
after a couple of months away, and he certainly caught my attention. On that
special night, he pampered me with a bubble bath, read me poetry, and hand-
fed me raspberries laced with cognac. Then he carried me into our bedroom
for an erotic massage. To my surprise, I could hardly recognize our room.
Huge pillows adorned the bed, which had been dressed up in new satin
sheets. He had redecorated the walls with new photographs of us—some nude
—and other erotic artwork (all beautifully framed). Candlelight and soft
music gave the room the scent and glow of an ancient temple. A splay of
peacock feathers, rabbit fur, exotic misters, lotions, and oils graced the
nightstand. Astounded, I gazed through watery eyes at the sacred temple he
had created for us.
Our transformed bedroom signaled the internal transformation in our lives.
We were committing to more pleasure. Our new sexy bedroom was a
metaphor for our new sexy attitude about raising the pleasure ceiling in our
marriage. When I would pass through the room in the daytime, I’d stop,
reflect, and smile. The space held our passion.
Create your own sexy space in your home for your erotic encounters,
whether or not you have a partner. Activity follows intention. Make your
space unique—let it be an erotic testament to your desires, history, stories,
tastes, and passions. Decorate it all at once or spread the effort out over time,
but make the space reflect your intimate personality. Your sacred temple will
provide a juicy place for exploration into erotic massage. Just passing by the
door will make you smile.

Part of enjoying your lover is taking the time to relax, create, and
enjoy your sexy space.

 chapter TWO
BODY CARESSES

The skin is the largest organ of the body, and as we mature, it grows more
sensitive to touch. We can actually feel more than when we were younger,
because we’re willing to slow down and take time to notice nuances of
sensation. Deep awareness of touch relaxes us into erotic trance. Caresses to
the hands and the feet send stimuli directly to the sexual organs. Touching
these areas produces a subtle buildup of erotic energy.
Body caresses are more sensual than sexual. Sensual touch is about
enjoying the pleasure of the sensations in the moment, where sexual touch is
more goal-oriented. Although sexual touch can be a natural outcome of
sensual touch, in this book we are learning sensual touch, or touch for
pleasure in the moment, versus touch that has a destination, such as sexual
intercourse. Instead of wanting to reach the goal of sex, you will become
enthralled with the journey.

TAKING TURNS

For the exercises in this book, you will first choose to be either the active or
the passive partner, then will later switch roles. Taking turns allows you to
slow down and really take note of what is happening. When you are the active
partner, or the giver of touch, you can focus fully on the sensations that your
fingertips or hands receive from touching your partner’s skin. When you’re
the passive partner, or the receiver of touch, you can be totally aware of each
subtle sensation of touch you take in. Alternating being active and being
passive allows maximum pleasure, because you’ll have time to observe
sensations in a fresh and unhurried manner.

TOUCH FOR YOUR OWN PLEASURE

We have learned to touch for someone else’s pleasure. In relationships, we’re
programmed to take care of the other person. Touching for your own
enjoyment will seem different, and this new orientation will cultivate vitality,
as well as interest, in your caresses. When you are trying to please your
partner, you are in performance mode and are therefore anxious about the job
you are doing for her. When you’re worried about “doing it right,” you’re not
in the present moment. When you touch your partner for your own
gratification, you will allow yourself to relax and enjoy and thereby invite
your partner to do the same.

Accepting Pleasure

Often when we receive touch, we think, “Now that I’ve taken my share, I
have to give back.” We feel self-conscious, or selfish, by receiving so much
attention. Deep down, maybe we don’t think we deserve all that goodness.
Taking turns can help us learn to open up to more pleasure, to take more in.
Ultimately, we realize, by feeling pleasure in our partner’s touch, that we are
giving him a precious gift by receiving fully.
Think how much fun it is to pet a dog or a cat. Does it feel guilty for
getting so much attention and cut us off? Does it get up in the middle of a
petting because it’s his turn to give back? We love those critters because they
know how to take it in, milk us for all we’re willing to give—shamelessly,
unabashedly—and that keeps us happy as givers. Give up putting a time limit
on your receiving pleasure. Be ardent—even gluttonous—when you are
receiving (or giving, for that matter).

Taking turns giving and receiving touch develops focus and presence.

PREPARING FOR A CARESS

The hands are a great place to start caressing, because they are sensitive, used
to being touched, and extend from our heart center, which expresses love.
Decide who will give the caress first. Make yourselves comfortable, with or
without clothes on, and support your back if desired. Decide on a time frame
for the duration of the caress, such as ten minutes, then start the timer.
 Do an abbreviated heart salutation in which you bow to each other with
your hands at your heart (foreheads need not come together). This gives a
formal beginning to the caress. Begin ocean breathing for one or two minutes,
gazing softly into the other’s left eye (the window of the soul) and following
the sound of the breath.

FOCUS ON YOUR SENSATIONS

When the giver is ready, place your partner’s hand in yours as you would a
precious jewel. Feel the heat between your hands. Feel the weight of the hand.
Very slowly begin to trace the outline of the palm and fingers. Close your
eyes to better explore each contour, crevasse, line, and fold. Marvel over this
hand that has brought you so much pleasure. Fill yourself with awe over the
sensory discovery at your fingertips.
Caresses are nonverbal, which encourages your right brain to lead (it
functions in a nonverbal manner and excels in visual, spatial, perceptual, and
intuitive information). Resist breaking out of this space with the tendency to
talk or respond to each other through gestures.
A caress is not a massage. While you are awakening the nerves in the skin,
you are not manipulating the muscle tissue underneath. Often the lighter the
touch, the more stimulating. Too much pressure and repeated stroking in one
area deadens the sensations. Barely touch the hair. The roots go deep, and
he’ll feel everything.
If you find it hard to stay focused, try touching more slowly and more
lightly. If you lose your concentration, stop touching, find your breath again,
or—even better—breathe with your partner for a couple of breaths. Stillness
is as powerful as a stroke. If you catch your partner holding the breath in,
breathe gently in his ear to remind him to ocean breathe. The breath slows
your mind and helps you stay focused in the present moment, whether you’re
giving or receiving. Conscious breathing is your anchor.

COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

When you think about half of the time frame has passed, you may want to
caress the other hand. The timer will signal the end of this caress. Gently lay
the hand down, open your eyes, and complete the caress with a heart
salutation. Appreciate how you have honored the hands, the vehicle of our
creativity and work in the world. Reset the timer for ten minutes, and change
roles.

Take a moment to appreciate your lover’s hand and the pleasure that
it has brought you.


Touch for your own pleasure, and do only what pleases you.

FACE CARESS

Giving your partner a face caress is like seeing her for the first time.
Permission to explore the face is an intimate and magical gesture. Decide on
who will be active first (the man in this example). Sit comfortably, with your
back supported, and lay your partner’s head on a pillow in your lap. Set the
timer for ten minutes. Gaze softly at each other, and ocean breathe together
for a minute or two.
When you are ready, place both of your hands lightly over her entire face.
Feel the heat: Be aware of your intent to create wonder with your exploration.
With your eyes open (hers may be closed), begin touching her forehead at the
hairline. Move your fingers slowly through her hair. Notice the hair slipping
between your fingers and underneath your nails. Move to the forehead. Is the
skin tight, cool, soft, or warm? Explore each line in the skin with awe,
imagining the wisdom from the experience it holds.
Move your fingers over her eyebrows from the center outward. Leisurely
retrace your stroke. Touch the very ends of the eyelashes with a fingertip.
Encourage your partner to stay deep in the breath by modeling for her your
slow, even breathing. Touch for your pleasure.
Trace the shape of her cheekbone with your thumb and index finger. Slide
down the side of her nose. Touch with interest. If your mind wanders from the
touch, slow down. An easy mistake is to go too fast. Consider what you
experience riding in a car racing down the interstate at 75 mph versus taking a
leisurely drive down a country road at 25 mph. Outline the shape of the ear,
but don’t probe inside. For women, notice the feel of the soft upper cheek
versus his whisker stubble or beard. Come to the lips and outline them lightly.
The lips may naturally part when touched. Explore this sensual terrain
teasingly without probing a finger inside.
Conclude the caress with both hands over the face, then release them
slowly. Share a heart salutation and know that the wonder you created in this
caress comes from you. Before you switch giver and receiver roles, the
receiver should take a moment to share what that experience was like. Use
words that can instruct your lover about his touch, such as how his pressure or
speed was for you. Discuss what parts you liked best, where he could have
lingered longer, and what parts he may have missed.
Try doing a face caress on yourself. Set aside time, light a candle,
and sit in front of a mirror. You are now both giver and receiver. Gaze
and breathe—even give yourself a heart salutation. Honor yourself with
your own heartfelt touch. Notice how your skin drinks in the sensations.
Observe how present you can be with yourself. Close your eyes, lie down
if you’d like, and allow the flow of love to come into your being through
your fingertips. Give yourself the full time allotted for the caress. You
can enjoy all the body caresses as an expression of self-love.

SETTING THE MOOD WITH INTENTION

By now you are getting familiar with the opening sequence for starting a
caress. You choose either the active or the passive role, decide on a time
frame, set the timer, then bow in a heart salutation and connect through ocean
breathing. This opening ritual, taking only a few minutes, signals a clear
departure from the ordinary day and ordinary time, and the beginning of body
time. By repeating the simple ritual, the mind slips more readily into
surrender, and the body steps forward to take the lead.
A meaningful addition to this calming sequence is to set an intention for
your caress. By deciding on an intention, you shape or define your experience
more precisely. You’ll find that having an intention deepens the experience
and can bring you back to noticing body sensations when your mind wanders
off. You may intend simply “to listen for each breath,” or “to feel a flow of
appreciation between you and your partner,” or “to feel each sensation,” or
“to love yourself more deeply.” It becomes an anchor that can help return you
to the present moment when you get distracted.
We change ordinary touch into sacred touch simply by our intention to do
so. Stating an intention can be done silently to yourself or stated out loud to
your partner, which is a more powerful gesture. Be sure to state your intention
with positive language. For example, if you intend not to worry about the
children while getting caressed, say, “I intend to breathe in peace with every
inhale.”

FOOT CARESS

Our feet are full of nerve endings that connect directly to our sexual organs,
making feet highly sensual and erotic organs. The humble gesture of bathing
and caressing the feet, in or out of the bathtub, is a most delightful and
enjoyable act.
Begin by filling a small tub or pan with warm water and adding some bath
salts. Place two towels, soap, and lotion or oil nearby. Once you begin your
caress, you will not want to be interrupted by trying to find these items. Place
large pillows on the floor for the receiver’s comfort, as well as extra pillows
for under the knees to support the entire leg.
Choose the active partner (the massage giver), set your timer for twenty
minutes, and bow in an honoring heart salutation. Both partners should try to
construct a positive, one-sentence intention and express it either silently to
themselves or verbally to each other. Gaze and ocean breathe together; enjoy
how the familiar ritual grounds you in the body. When ready, the man, in this
case, lifts the woman’s feet slowly into the tub or pan of water.
Lather her feet with soap and explore the tactile sensations by playing with
the feet under water. Take one foot out of the basin and place it on a towel
lain over your thigh. Again soap the foot using both hands. Slide a finger
between the toes. Feel where they meet the ball of the foot. Tug gently on the
toes, letting them slip out between your fingers. Enjoy the slippery skin for
your pleasure. Return the foot to the bath, and repeat on the other foot. Move
slowly in long, continuous strokes. Coach your partner to breathe fully if her
breath is shallow, uneven, or quiet. Intimacy is increased by deep breathing
together.
Place the second foot back in the tub and rinse. Take the first foot out and
wrap it carefully in a towel like a baby’s bunting. Do the same with the
second foot. Move the water tub aside to give you a free, unencumbered space
for caressing. Dry the first foot unhurriedly, paying special attention to the
space between the toes.
Rest the foot on your thigh. Explore the foot with light touching as you did
in the hand caresses. If your partner is ticklish, stroke using more pressure and
let up when she relaxes. Rub massage oil or lotion on your hands, gently
covering the entire foot. Lightly stroke with two hands the top and bottom of
the foot simultaneously.

TICKLISHNESS is often a blockage of sensual or sexual energy. If
we are ticklish, we cannot be touched; hence, we are safe from feeling
sensations or becoming sexual. Our feet are particularly vulnerable,
because they are rarely touched but very sensitive. Remind a ticklish
partner to focus on the point of skin-to-skin contact with a deep breath.
Be patient, and move even more slowly, with a slightly firmer touch.
Return to a lighter touch when possible. Helping a partner get over
blocks to pleasure is worth the effort.

MASSAGE STROKES FOR THE FEET

Massage strokes go deeper than caressing and involve manipulating the
underlying muscle tissue. The feet are a perfect starting point. Cap the heel
firmly with your hand and massage the ball of the foot with your other hand.
Hold the ball of the foot and squeeze the heel till it gradually “pops” out of
your grip. Do it several times. Make a fist with the hand at the ball of the foot
and firmly glide your knuckles down the center of the bottom of the foot to
the heel. Repeat several times. You are activating internal energy channels, or
meridians, that send joyous messages to a multitude of organs in the body.

Start at the heel, where you will be indirectly massaging the sexual
organs. Use intense pressure (more than you might think), then check in
with your partner asking, “Would you like more or less pressure?”
Adjust if needed. Continue to play with pressure points on the ball of the
foot and between the toes. Tug on each toe, wiggling and pulling on it.


Yoga students use oppositional stretching to rejuvenate the body.
Place one palm over the toes, and with the other hold the heel. Press the
toes back toward the arch while pulling the heel in the opposite direction.
Hold a few moments. Repeat this stretch, pressing deeper, spreading the
toes apart with and away from the ball of the foot with your flat palm.
With about seven minutes remaining in the massage, change to the
second foot.

KISSING THE FEET

Kissing the feet is a gesture of supreme gratitude and servitude; it will melt
both you and your partner to the very core. Use your creativity in this area
and start delicately. Take the toe(s) inside your mouth and let out a long sigh
of hot air without even touching the toes—just a hot-air caress. Stop and feel
the heat. Next, flick your wet tongue lightly and playfully over the toe. Pause
and take in the moment. Blow a cool stream of air over your hot tongue
tracks. Wait. Stillness can be substituted for a stroke. Ask any musician: If
they don’t play the “rests,” there is no music. Go in slightly deeper now.
Brush your lips over the surface; slip your tongue in and out between the toes.
Let your pleasure guide your licking, nibbling, and sucking. Do not try to
impress or perform for her. How does this organ feel on your wet, fleshy
tongue? What shapes and textures delight your sensations? Close your eyes.
How does it feel filling your mouth with a part of her? Follow your desire to
rhythmically suck and moan and lap up your pleasure. Play like a child—
shameless, full of innocence and curiosity.
At the end of the foot massage, gaze into your lover’s eyes and notice how
erotic energy softens the face. Bow from the heart in gratitude for the timeless
and treasured moments you shared. Switch roles and refill the tub with fresh
water.
“Sitting across from me at the wedding-rehearsal dinner, a new
acquaintance reached for my foot under the table. He slipped off my
shoe and began massaging my foot on his knee. While the others thought
I was swooning over the silky taste of sushi, we laughed with our friends
but kept our secret. When we walked down the aisle the next day, as
bridesmaid and groomsman, I was still smiling. To this day, I still cherish
this man’s simple gift.”

—Jennifer, 29

Verbal Massage

The next time you receive a caress, instead of the usual nonverbal
exchange, try talking with your partner about how he can make the
experience better as he massages you. Tell him more pressure, less
 pressure, slower, deeper, lighter, over here, or not there, change strokes,
etc. After the receiver tells you what he wants or how to do something,
respond with, “Thank you.” Resist apologizing or defending yourself.
Our partner’s feedback is a precious gift; a simple “Thank you”
acknowledges it as such. None of us are mind readers; we need
information to improve our touch techniques.


When bonding with your partner, notice all the details of how your
bodies feel together—the heat, the softness, the gentleness of being
together—the feeling of protection and safety.

BONDING

Bonding, reminiscent of the warm connection between mother and baby,
infuses the entire body with erotic ripples that need not be acted upon in a
genital fashion. What looks like inactivity on the surface is perhaps the most
profound of all erotic-massage moves. Bonding opens our energy channels at
a subtle level where the boundaries between bodies begin to dissolve and
merge. Bonding gives us a chance to build and disperse sexual energy with
the whole body—not with just the genitals.
Find a comfortable place to lie down together, such as a bed, and set the
timer for twenty (or more) minutes. Play some soft, relaxing music. You may
lie side by side in a “spooning” position (chest to partner’s back), or the
lighter partner can lie on top of the heavier one. Make sure you are
comfortable and supported by pillows where needed.
Once lying together, begin to be aware of your breath, letting your worries
and tension fall away with each exhale. While breathing out, imagine that you
are expelling your fears, resentments, and expectations. As you exhale,
release the need to think and analyze. Let your tongue float freely in your
mouth, not touching any part of the oral cavity. As you inhale, imagine you
are filling up with all you need to radiate joy.
 Observe your partner’s breathing rhythm. It feels natural to breathe
together in this ritual. Notice all the details of how your bodies feel together
—the heat, the softness, the gentleness of being together, the feeling of
protection and safety. With each breath, let yourself fall deeper into the body,
becoming transparent; feel the vulnerability of the present moment and the
wonder of uncertainty. Feel the new reality where doing and not doing are
one, where you allow yourself to melt into the other.
Can you feel your boundaries dissolve into the other? Can your heart open
and welcome the other in? Let the exploration be effortless. Can your spirits
float away beyond the boundaries of the body? Usually it takes fifteen to
twenty minutes (or longer) to deepen into this formless, relaxed, and merged
space. Be patient; even ecstasy needs to be practiced, so repeating this
exercise is helpful.
A common mistake is to expect too much too soon. Enjoy the journey.
Make sure you feel free to gently readjust your position during bonding.
Contrary to your partner’s being “disturbed,” she will be glad you are making
yourself comfortable. End with a heart salutation and mutual sharing of the
experience. Relaxation bonding is a stepping-stone to sexual bonding in
chapter 8.
 chapter THREE
BACK BODY MASSAGE

Body caressing and relaxation bonding practiced in chapter 2 encourage us to
linger and luxuriate in the touch. We’ve begun to feel the energizing and
relaxing effects of conscious breathing, touching, and setting intention. These
are the keys to cultivating erotic trance, quieting the mind, and opening the
heart. In learning back body massage, we will take these erotic tools to a
higher level.
In massage we’re often concerned about how to give one, how to perform
the different strokes, and what to “do” to our partner. Rarely do we concern
ourselves with the most challenging part of massage—how to receive one.
Given our busy culture, we are often more comfortable with doing than with
being passive, which can make us feel out of control. The back of the body is
the perfect place to practice deeper surrender. We feel safe lying on our
stomachs, protecting our vulnerable underbelly, and our genitals are hidden.
Feeling safe is necessary before we allow ourselves to surrender.
Couples who have a passionate and satisfying erotic relationship regularly
engage in massage as a way to learn surrender. They use sensual massage as a
way into sexual play, but, equally satisfying and nourishing, they use erotic
massage as a complete activity in its own right. Couples who practice whole-
body touching in a playful spirit, whether in the giving or the receiving role,
become deeply aware of the ecstasy of surrender. A good intention for this
massage may be, “I intend to let each exhale take me deeper into the
sensation.”

COMING INTO THE BODY

Choose a comfortable bed or soft floor mat in your sexy space and cover it
with a protective sheet. Select a quality massage oil or lotion (which can be
purchased at any health food store). Play soothing music (without words to
distract) and make the ambience inviting with candles and scents.
Set the timer for twenty to thirty minutes. If the man is giving, lie side by
side, spooning with the woman in front and his hands over her heart. If the
woman is giving (as illustrated in this case), lie on top of the man with your
chest on his back. Share a simple, one-sentence intention. Bond and relax by
tuning in to your breaths as they rise and fall together. Enjoy this simplest of
rituals—sharing the breath. Feel a letting go with each exhale, and with each
inhale take in a new sense of wonder.

Back body massage is the perfect place to practice deeper surrender.

“At first as a man it was hard for me to just receive. I felt like I
needed to initiate or at least give back at the same time. But I stayed with
the exercise and soon I relaxed deeply into a new place inside my body. I
was grateful for my partner—she genuinely wanted to take care of and
give to me.”

—Richard, 38

You can take the breath one step further toward surrender: Make an audible
“Ahhhh” sigh on the exhale together. Marvel at how much fun it is to mix
your sounds and vibrations. You can lose yourself. You may even laugh
together in this position.
After a couple of minutes of grounding and breathing in sync, the woman
slowly begins to move her breasts down his back. Let your nipples trace
playful designs on his back. Drag your breasts over his buttocks, breathing
hot air onto his cool skin. Eventually, kneel between his spread legs.
From this position, reach behind you and place a hand on the bottom of
each foot. Using a light touch, with a hand on each leg, simultaneously trace
the contour of the calves, stroke up the inner thighs, moving over the
buttocks, up each side of the back, over the shoulders, and down the arms to
the hands. Use one long, continuous stroke from foot to hand, then reverse it.
Repeat a couple of times. See how slowly you can make this awakening
stroke.

HEART AND SACRUM HOLD

Kneeling at the man’s side, place one hand over his heart and the other hand
on his sacrum (the last bone of the spine). These two energetic centers, heart-
love and sacrum-sexuality, are energetically connected by simultaneously
touching them. Rest your hands on them in stillness and ocean breathe. Listen
for his breath. Watch to see the back of his body rise and fall with the breath.
If he’s holding his breath or shallow breathing, bend over and breathe deeply
on his neck. Only when you know where your lover is in the breath are you
intimate enough to continue.
Begin a gentle rocking of the body from these two points by moving your
hands back and forth about an inch. Be subtle and unhurried, and gradually
increase the intensity. The sense of being cherished from this gentle
movement is deeply comforting.

A heart-and-sacrum hold will connect your partner’s heart and sex
centers.

Stroke with your whole body to enhance your strength and ease.

LOWER BACK BODY MASSAGE STROKES

Kneeling at his legs, rest a hand on his lower back and pour a tablespoon of
massage oil (preferably warm) onto it. Without losing contact with the skin,
spread the oil from the buttocks to the bottom of the feet, thereby defining the
area you’ll be massaging next. In massage, the receiver feels more
comfortable knowing what body area will be massaged next. Because
unexpected touch surprises and jars the body, introduce each area with light
encompassing strokes, then work it in more detail, and conclude with a broad,
light finishing stroke. This ritual feels safe and assuring.
Working in more detail now, massage the pads of his feet (similar to the
foot-massage strokes in the last chapter). Work your way toward the heart by
kneading the calves, either one at a time or simultaneously, by bunching up
the muscle in your hands and then releasing it.
Using your whole body as leverage, push your hands firmly up the
sensitive inner thigh, up over the buttocks, and back down the outer thigh.
Repeat several times. At the point where the leg attaches to the hip (close to
the genitals), pull the groin tissue firmly away from the midline of the body
over the sit bones (quite literally the bones under the flesh of the buttocks on
which we sit). This move gently massages the genitals without touching them
—a subtle hint of pleasure to come.

BUTTOCKS MASSAGE STROKES

Kneeling outside his spread legs, wriggle the butt cheeks, telling your partner
to relax his buttocks. Wriggle the fleshy cheeks to your heart’s desire. This is
pure delight. I guarantee he will not ask you to stop. Any move such as
vibrating and jiggling needs to be varied in pressure, tempo, and rhythm, or it
becomes repetitive and boring for both the giver and the receiver.
Place a hand at the outside of each cheek and firmly scoop your hands
toward each other, letting the fleshy cheeks slip out of your grasp as your
hands meet over the crack. Go back for another scoop or two. Knead the
cheeks as a baker kneads bread dough. Check in with him about the pressure
of your touch by simply asking a yes-or-no question such as, “Would you like
more pressure?” You are building trust by inquiring and making adjustments,
especially if you don’t get defensive. After you adjust your pressure, check in
again: “Would you like more pressure?”

Use the leverage of your body weight to produce a firm pressure.

Make a fist with your hands and walk them slowly over his buttocks,
rotating your wrist as you go. Position your body over your fists in order to
use the leverage of your body weight to produce a firm pressure, especially if
you are a woman. By letting the weight of your body work for you, you can
massage firmly without getting tired or straining the small muscles of your
hands and wrists. In addition, you can vary the strokes with lighter pressure
throughout the massage.

PERINEUM MASSAGE

The perineum is the area between the scrotum and the anus on a man and the
vagina and the anus on a woman. The pelvic-floor muscles in this area are
rarely massaged and touch here feels wonderful. We unconsciously hold
tension in this area (“tight ass”), and a good perineum massage creates longer
and stronger orgasms for both men and women, as well as more ejaculation
control for men.
On a man, the perineum is referred to as the “hidden penis.” Almost half of
the sensitive, vascular tissue of the penis lies behind the scrotum and inside
the pelvis. This “forgotten penis” can be stimulated by a savvy partner for an
ecstatic and healthful experience. Usually ignored, the perineum when
massaged stimulates the sensitive prostate gland known as the male G-spot,
which is both relaxing and exciting. For both sexes, massage to the root or
base of the spine vitalizes the sex organs and releases old patterns, inhibitions,
and past disappointments, thus creating new opportunity for well-being and
intimacy.
Place a flat palm over the perineum with fingers covering the crack and
wiggle the hand till you feel the sit bones (close to where the legs meet the
pelvis). Place your second hand on top of the first and lean with the weight of
your whole body toward the heart. Vibrate and hold. Let the warmth of your
presence at his “root” speak silently of your approval of his sexuality. Breathe
together. This area can take a great deal of pressure and it translates as feeling
secure and loved.
Keeping one hand on the root (the perineum area), slide the other up his
back to rest over the heart (left side). Trace this root-to-heart path up and
down in several slow strokes varying among vibrating, stillness, rocking, and
sounding. Sounding is done by placing your chest over the perineum hand and
exhaling your sigh of appreciation, which vibrates his root through your hand.
It will help melt the shame we often hold unconsciously at the base of our
being.
Kneel beside his left side, or heart side, and place your left hand over his
heart area as in the previous heart-sacrum hold. Cup your right hand over the
crack with your fingers together on the perineum. Dig the flat full length of
your fingers deep into the “hidden penis.” Press, rub up and down, massage in
circles, vibrate, and hold. Check with him about your pressure. Rock the
whole body gently from this firm heart-perineum hold. (Note: On a woman
the perineum is much smaller. Do not touch or penetrate the vagina with your
hold and rocking. Genital touch will be covered in chapter 6.)
Finish the lower back body massage with several light sweeping strokes in
a U shape from the bottom of one foot up the leg, across the sacrum, and
down to the other foot.
SLOWNESS IS A DIVINE THING.
We’ve lost the habit of it. When we move in slow, regular, and harmonious
movements, consciousness finds its place. The body begins to enjoy the
smallest thing. Attention is heightened. We take in the world full of wonder.
We open our senses to the plenitude of sights, sounds, and touch.

Hold, vibrate, and press the perineum toward his heart during a
perineum massage.

UPPER BACK BODY MASSAGE

Ideally you are about halfway, or ten to fifteen minutes, into your massage.
From your kneeling position at his side body, bend down and lay your head
and chest on his back, placing an arm over his shoulders and another over his
buttocks. Enjoy a back hug. Connect again through the breath and let several
vibrating exhales resound through his chest.
Kneeling at his side, rest the back of your hand over his sacrum and put a
tablespoon or two of warm oil in the palm. Gently rub your palms together
and use both hands to lightly spread the oil with slow, sweeping, broad
strokes over the region of the back, shoulders, neck, and arms. You are
“introducing” this new upper-back body region with focus, breath, and
confidence. You project the thought “You are safe with me; you may let go.”

OPENING THE SEED GATE

Reach a hand around under the side of the belly at the waist and mirror this
movement with the other hand on the opposite side of the belly. Begin a slow,
strong pull of the side flesh up and toward the midline of the body. Without
lifting your hands away from the body, continue the stroke with each hand
around to the opposite belly side. Repeat the pulling-up motion, firmly
crisscrossing the back until you have worked up to the shoulders. This motion
is called opening the seed gate. When a man wears a belt, the heart center
(spontaneity and playfulness) gets disconnected from the genitals
(achievement and goal orientation). You are opening a pathway to playful,
non-goal-oriented sexuality.

The “opening the seed” stroke awakens a man’s innate playfulness.


Use your forearms, elbows, and upper arms to increase the surface
area of touch.

MASSAGE WITH ARMS AND ELBOWS

Positioned between his legs, place the weight of your whole body in your
forearms and elbows, and slide them over his back from hip to shoulders, first
one side at a time, then both at the same time. Work the buttocks with the
elbow right into the hip socket. Ask him, “Do you want less pressure?” Thank
him when he responds.
Hover with your weight over your forearms on top of his lung area. Do you
feel the pressure of his breath pushing up against your body weight? Ask him
to deepen his breath against your steady pressure on the lungs. His breath is as
important as your touch in cultivating ecstasy. Coach him into the fullness of
the moment by the awesome depth of your own breath.
Discover the strength and joy of employing bigger-than-hands body parts
as massage tools. Use your elbows to come up each side of the spinal column,
feeling each vertebra as you go. Use your forearms to come back down the
side body under the armpits, squeezing the chest together. Try using the back
of your upper arms to pull down the sides of the neck, over the top of the
shoulders. Where else can your nonhands body parts fit, jingle, and soothe?
Appreciate playing on the rugged territory of the back, but always be gentle
with the soft, unprotected area of the kidneys, which are below the ribs and
above the waist.
Make all strokes a continuous flow,
one blending into another. In a sense, you remember the last stroke and
anticipate the next in a continuum. To begin and end a stroke, glide in and off
the body. Practice a smooth takeoff and landing. Maintain full hand contact
whenever possible.

SHOULDER MASSAGE

Kneeling at his head and facing his feet, place your hands with full contact on
his shoulder blades. On an exhale, let your hands slide down the back to his
waist, using your body weight behind the stroke. On the inhale, pull up your
hands along the sides of the body and over the tips of the shoulders. Repeat
this connecting stroke several times, synchronizing your breath with your
movement both away from and toward the heart. Move away from the heart
on an exhale and toward the heart on an inhale. Try to match your partner’s
breath.
With the flat pads of your thumbs, make small circles down each side of
the spine from the neck to the sacrum. The thumbs mirror each other as they
circle outward from the spine. Also, try these same thumb circles around the
outer edges of the shoulder blades either one at a time or simultaneously. Vary
this stroke by using the palm of the hand.
With the elbows seated in the curve of the shoulders at the base of the neck,
lean into the shoulders and vibrate. In one long, smooth stroke, push the
shoulders down and out toward the upper arms and reverse back to the neck.
Place your thumb in the groove between the shoulder blade and the
collarbone and pull outward from the base of the neck to the shoulder tips.
Use this stroke on one side at a time, then on both simultaneously.

ARM MASSAGE

Instruct your passive partner to become a rag doll as you choose to move a
limb, such as his arm. He is not to help you by lifting it himself. He is in
surrender mode; he has turned over his body to you (though he has not lost his
voice in the matter if needed). Gently lift his arm to test his passive resolve. If
it’s not limp as a rag doll, whisper in his ear that you want all of him like
putty in your arms, soft and open.


Breathing with your strokes makes them more confident, conscious,
and powerful.

Holding one or both wrists a few inches above the bed, gently move his
arms around from his sides to over his head. Wriggle the whole arm. Gently
pull the arms away from the shoulder joints, freeing up any tension around the
joints. Softly shake out the hands.
Laying the arms back down, tug at his fingers. Cupping a hand over each
forearm at the wrist, inhale as you slide up his arm to the heart in a continuous
stroke, and exhale as you come back down. Repeat this stroke several times,
experimenting with your own variations. Notice the difference when you
breathe with a stroke and when you do not. Breathing with your strokes
makes them more confident, conscious, and powerful.

NECK AND HEAD MASSAGE

Massaging the neck and head, we can remember how often being stuck in the
head has interfered with enjoying sensual experiences. We cannot surrender if
we are in our heads. We must learn to let go of analyzing and simply
experience the sensations of touch to enjoy a massage. If we are comparing a
touch with a past experience or thinking about what may happen next, we are
not in the moment (and often feel depressed or anxious).

HEAD MASSAGE STROKES

For the neck and head massage, sit on your partner’s back without too much
weight to distract him (or her). Remind him to follow with his full attention to
where you are touching and when his mind wanders (which is human
nature!), ask him to gently return his full attention to your touch.
Comb your fingers softly through the hair, moving slowly down closer to
the roots and scalp. Rustle his hair with the pads of your fingers on the scalp,
starting lightly and then more firmly. Catch the hair between your fingers and
pull it until you feel resistance. Ask him if he wants you to pull harder. Using
your finger pads in circular motions on the scalp, give him a dry shampoo,
really manipulating the tissue between the hair and the scalp. Don’t be too
timid here.
Gently tug the soft earlobes downward, pulling the middle of the ear
toward you and the top rim of the ear upward. Massage the dip behind the ear
by the jawbone in a circular motion with your second and third fingers. Pinch
the back of the neck along the vertebrae between your thumbs and index
fingers. Pull up on the tops of the shoulders where they meet the neck, then
knead in the palm of your hands.
Sensate Focus

The famous sex researchers of the 1960s, William Masters and Virginia
Johnson, developed a technique to help people get out of their heads and
 into their bodies called sensate focus. Sensate focus encourages each
partner to take turns paying increased attention to their own senses. This
method, related to many Tantric meditative practices from the East, has
helped many couples attain high levels of pleasure from massage.
To practice sensate focus, you simply bring your mind’s attention to the
point of contact on your skin where you feel you are touching or being
touched (both the giver and the receiver perform sensate focus).
Whenever your mind wanders from the touch to other thoughts, you
bring it back to the touch sensation points on your skin. After some time
spent on training the mind to focus only on your sensations, you will be
able to more easily concentrate, reining in your thoughts when your
mind wanders. The results are blissful when the mind stops chattering
and becomes the “slave” of the body in this simple way.

FINISHING MASSAGE STROKES ON THE BACK BODY

The beauty of erotic massage is celebrating the body as a path to spirit, and
celebrating spirit as sensed through the body. In the West, we have not
celebrated the connection between spirituality and sexuality that was
prevalent for thousands of years in ancient Taoist, Hindu, and Buddhist
teachings. In our dualistic view of good and bad, right and wrong, we
delegate spirit as divine and fear the flesh as something distracting us from
the divine. No wonder reclaiming our body as a pathway to the divine is so
powerful.
The body is the earthly temple for the soul and deserves our reverence. Say
good-bye to the back body with the same full-body sweeping strokes you
used to introduce the massage coming into the body. Kneeling at his side,
stroke him from head to foot with both hands in a long, continuous path down
each side of the body. Using a light touch, be aware in your mind of
connecting all the parts of the body into one integrated whole being. Sense all
of his body at once with your touch. Include the shoulders, arms, and hands as
you trace the whole body.
You may wish to do finishing strokes with a peacock feather or by floating a
silk scarf over him. Make each brush of the feather be like a prayer honoring
him as an aspect of the divine. Make your last stroke as intentional as your
first. I like to finish with gently resting my hands over the heart and sacrum
and then lifting them off slowly, almost imperceptibly. After you release your
last touch, rest in stillness next to him, simply holding space for him to absorb
your appreciation. Wait till he moves and then offer a heart salutation or
melting hug. You may even choose to spoon together in silence.
When you are ready, you may wish to talk about the experience. How did
your intention help guide your surrender or experience? What did your
partner do that particularly encouraged your letting go? Did you feel you
could communicate your deep feelings or needs to the giver? How did tuning
in to and slowing the breath work or not work?
Instead of minimizing talking as you did on this massage, another time you
may want to talk about the strokes as you massage. Silence helps you center
and surrender, but coaching your partner about what you like is a great way to
improve your skills. Occasionally a verbal massage works wonders. You can
also reverse the order of the massage and start with the head and end with the
feet.
“I was so relaxed as my girlfriend lightly brushed my back with a
feather that I think I fell asleep. She must have kept touching me,
because I had incredibly euphoric sensations as I drifted in and out. She
made me feel like anything I did was okay, so I didn’t have to worry
about responding. I loved it. It was so freeing.”

—Jonathan, 28


The body is the temple of the soul. Honoring the back body with the
light brush of a feather can be both a sensual and soul-enriching
experience.

 chapter FOUR
EROTIC FRONT BODY MASSAGE

LOVING OUR BODIES

The back body was a perfect place to practice deep surrender, whereas the
front body brings up new challenges that may interfere with enjoying an
erotic massage. All of us have issues with our bodies. We all wish they looked
different. When we are worried about how our partner may view our body, we
lose the joy of being in the moment and sensing his touch. Being massaged on
the front body, with our breasts and genitals exposed, we feel particularly
vulnerable.

BODY IMAGE

All of us have been told, or have somehow come to the conclusion, that our
body isn’t “right.” This or that part droops, is too small, too flabby, too
freckly—and the list goes on and on. These negative messages stay with us
(generally for a long time, if not forever!) and can translate into our not
wanting to be touched there and can even dull our sensations. Aging bodies
challenge our grace and acceptance of ourselves. Can we learn to see added
weight, wrinkles, and a receding hairline not as imperfections but as measures
of experience and wisdom?
Becoming more comfortable, accepting, and appreciative of your body will
increase the pleasure you can receive from the massages that follow in this
book. To deepen your enjoyment of sensual touch, start by revealing the
naked truth about your body to yourself and your partner and loving it. These
body-image exercises can break down your barriers to intimacy, increase your
pleasure, and bring amazing closeness with your partner.

Body-Image Mirror: Solo Exercise

Take time by yourself (at least fifteen minutes) to stand completely naked in
front of a full-length mirror to evaluate and rediscover your body in detail.
This may seem strange or difficult, but alone time with your nakedness, with
the intention of fostering compassion and support for your body, is
fundamental to enjoying it with another person.
Undress and take an inventory of your entire body. Be like an outsider
looking on and evaluate every part as an objective observer. Start at the top of
your head and, talking aloud, comment on your hair. What color and texture is
it? What do you like/dislike about it? Move to your hairline, then your
forehead. Describe in detail each of your features—eyes, nose, and
cheekbones. How do you feel about each part? Don’t get sidetracked by a
new wrinkle or mole. Comment out loud as you move down the body,
candidly observing your neck, shoulders, breast, abdomen, and genitals. Turn
around and, looking over your shoulder, comment on your back body.
Be honest and say what you like about your body, even though it feels
wrong or narcissistic to compliment yourself. You can say aloud, “My skin
tone is creamy and my shoulders are square and strong-looking.” Can you
appreciate how your life experiences have uniquely distinguished your body?
Can you accept how life is being “worn” on your body? After you have gone
all the way down to the toes, encourage self-compassion toward this divinely
crafted, one-of-a-kind body. End by acknowledging your body temple in the
mirror with a reverent heart salutation.
“I said things about my body that I had previously only thought to
myself, but somehow hearing my voice softened my criticism. I almost
started laughing at some of my complaints, and then a strange thing
happened. I saw a body in the mirror that had accompanied me on every
step of my journey in life, and I began to cry. In that body I experienced
all the pain, sadness, excitement, and joy I’d ever known, and I was so
 grateful.”
—Amanda, 39


Body-Image Mutual Exercise

Now it is time to share a body-image exercise with your partner. Rarely do we

get the opportunity to really look at another person’s naked body. We usually
“sneak” quick glances at breasts or genitals, but now we give permission to
really look at each other’s nakedness. You may feel awkward at first, even if
you have been with this person a long time, but consenting to see each other
in your most natural state with awareness and intention is an amazingly
intimate and vulnerable exercise.
Set aside at least fifteen minutes with your partner. Undress and stand nude
in front of each other, about arm’s length apart or whatever spatial distance
feels comfortable. Close your eyes, tune in to your partner’s breathing, and
find your rhythm together. When you feel the harmony of shared breathing,
without conversation, open your eyes and, beginning at your partner’s
hairline, observe every detail of his or her body. Move to the forehead, then
look deep into each other’s eyes. You are seeing with the eyes of a child
before being told that staring is rude.
Move gradually and silently down the face, then from one area to the next
on the body. Take a deliberate, long look at the breasts, belly, and pubic area.
Stare until you have had enough and you feel any charge of shame or
discomfort dispelled. Turn around one at a time to observe the back of your
partner’s body. Take in every scar, vein, mole, and pore. Without talking,
view each other all the way down to the toes with curiosity and openness, and
without judgment. See beyond your nakedness and into each other’s souls.
End with a heart salutation and a long hug.

Body-Image Mirror: Partner Exercise

In this last body-image exercise, you will repeat the first exercise, but this
time with your partner. Allow about twenty minutes for each person and
decide who will first be active. In front of a full-length mirror, the active
partner stands and evaluates his entire body, talking out loud as if there were
no one else in the room, while the passive partner sits silently behind him.
Starting at the head, describe the color and texture of your hair. Do you like
the shape of your ears? What do you think about your brow, eyebrows, and
each facial feature? Talk about your neck, shoulders, chest, and breast. You
are noticing, revealing, and exposing your true feeling about each part.
If a memory or story comes up, feel free to speak it. Touch your body as
you talk, if you like. How did it feel to grow up in this body? When did you
first discover your genitals? What messages did you get growing up with
these male or female sex organs? What body parts bring you pleasure; what
parts bring you pain? How have you matured with this body? Are you good
friends with your body or are you at odds?
If you are the passive partner, you might notice if your lover leaves out
some body part or feature. You may wonder why it was forgotten. We need to
accept the unloved or shameful parts of us if we are to become whole. You
may choose to later ask your partner about any omissions. In your massage,
vow to specially love and honor any unloved parts. Appreciate how
vulnerable your partner is in disclosing his deepest feelings, fears, and
shortcomings about his body. End with a heart salutation, then reverse roles.


Float a silk scarf over your lover’s body, allowing the fringe to tickle
her inner thighs.

COMING INTO THE BODY

Tell your passive partner (the woman this time) that she deserves some
luscious time to receive a front body massage, and you have set aside twenty
to thirty minutes to pamper her body. Remind her to relax, breathe deeply, and
in the spirit of sensate focus, be mindful only of your touch. A good intention
for you both would be, “To follow every touch with every breath.”
Sit at her left side, the heart side, and softly rest your right hand on her
heart and your left hand over the pubic mound. Imagine a woman’s energy
flowing down from the heart into the genitals (whereas a man’s energy flow is
reversed, flowing from his genitals to his heart). Gaze into each other’s eyes
and breathe together till you feel a connection. Remember, this is the first
time in the massage sequence that genitals are exposed. Approve of her body,
voicing affirmations such as, “This body brings me so much pleasure. What a
gift to me.”
Choose among the following ideas for a soft introduction to touching the
front body.
 • Silk scarf
Orchestrate your opening moves soothingly. Float a silk scarf over the length
of her body. Remember, lighter and slower; less is more. Let the fringe tickle
her inner thighs. Come up from the feet with the scarf, gently pulling it up
between her legs and over her genitals. Whisper to her, “I adore you. I cherish
you. I love you.”
• Rabbit fur
You may choose to put on your chinchilla or rabbit-fur mitt and stroke her
head to toe. See how slow and continuous your moves can be. You are teasing
her, and women never get enough of it. Slide the mitt between the toes,
between her fingers, and with just the fur, touch her nipples, face, and ears.
• Cornstarch powder
You may wish to try what I call the “angel touch.” Rub about a teaspoon of
cornstarch powder (yes, from your kitchen!) between your hands and surprise
her with the silkiest touch experience yet. Lightly spread with full-hand
contact the powder up and down one entire side of the body, then repeat on
the other side. If her eyes are closed, she’ll wonder how your touch got so
heavenly. She’ll marvel at your sensuality.
• Feather
Move to sit cross-legged at her feet, pulling her legs over your thighs and,
with a feather (or feather duster), make several long U strokes, starting at one
foot, going up the inner leg, over the pubic mound, and down to the other
foot. Include a stroke or two that go up to the heart and breasts. From this
position, you can blow a long, cool, steady stream of air on her genitals.
• Vibrator
If you have a vibrator, cup your hand with your palm over her genitalia. Place
the vibrator against the back of your hand. The vibrations coming through
your hand will be gentle and teasing, stirring the imagination for later play.
Since the front massage includes genitals without solely focusing on them,
she has the opportunity to cultivate desire and contain excitement for you.
Often this opportunity is missing for women, since men are so much quicker
in their excitement and desire to move straight to the genitals.

COACH HER BREATHING

Keep your palm over the genitals (without a vibrator) and place your other
hand gently over her abdomen. As the giver, you are also the breath coach.
All your great touching will be of little consequence unless her deep breathing
focuses her mind and carries her into the bliss of the moment.
Synchronize your breath with your lover’s—in and out together—bringing
you into greater intimacy. If her breathing is inaudible, and you are unable to
distinguish her inhale or exhale, whisper to her, “I’m lost; where are you in
the breath?” Once your breathing is synchronized, rest your hand on her pubic
mound. Keep the hand still on the inhale, and vibrate it gently on your shared
exhale.

COACH HER SOUNDING

As her breathing coach, make audible sighs and sounds on your exhale to
encourage her to let go and vibrate with you. Loosen your throat and let the
sound out without effort. If you are not self-conscious about making noise,
your partner is more likely to follow. Encourage her sounding by saying, “It’s
so sexy to hear your breath. I love to hear your sounds; thank you.” Imagine
with your vibrations that all your inhibitions (and hers) are shaking loose and
falling away. Imagine on the exhale that your sound is filling her up,
penetrating her with your desire for closeness.
We have much resistance to making sound, even in lovemaking. We’ve
been taught to be quiet breathers, quiet about our desires, and quiet about our
passions. Quiet may be fine for therapeutic massage, but not for erotic
massage. Rebel against the silence. Breathe big, breathe loud. Merge your
sighs with your lover’s. Breathing and sounding—these are the body’s tools
for ecstasy. Use them, expand them. If necessary, give each other permission
to fake it until you make it.

Make several long U strokes when caressing your partner with a
feather. Encourage her to breathe evenly and slowly, sighing on the
exhale.


The sensation of one palm resting on the abdomen while the other
hand moves over the body feels assuring and protective to the receiver.

LOWER FRONT BODY MASSAGE

You have awakened her body lusciously with silks, furs, or feathers. You have
coached her breath and sound into deeper surrender, and now you will go
deeper with your strokes. Sit between her legs and pull her knees over your
thighs. Pour some warm oil into your hand and reverently spread it over her
legs, feet, and abdomen.

THE U STROKE

Rest your right palm on the pubic bone with the fingers pointing toward the
navel. With the left hand, stroke down the right leg to the foot and back in a
continuous movement. Replace the right hand resting on the pubic bone with
the left hand in a smooth and imperceptible transfer, then progress down the
left leg with the right hand. Repeat several times, making the transition
smoothly and confidently. Always keep one hand covering the pubic mound;
it feels assuring and protective. Vary the stroke by progressing up to include
the heart center between the breasts before transferring hands on the lower
abdomen.
“At first, breathing and making sounds was embarrassing for me, but
I was determined to try it and told my partner of my desire to
experiment. That was several months ago. Now, I can’t imagine trying to
go to the places I go to during a massage with a normal breath. I’m on a
whole other level now. Breathing deeply got me there.”

—David, 31

WEAK IN THE KNEES

In mapping the body’s pleasure zones, don’t forget the back of the knees.
Gently raise her leg over your shoulder and tease under her thigh and knee
with your fingertips or the back of your hand. Most women love a man to
come close to the genitals and then back away. Remember the general rule: If
there are two of them (knees, thighs, etc.), do them both.
Tease is frequently the forgotten element of female arousal. Women often
feel rushed to climax. It is men’s nature to want to please a woman, to
“produce” for her. The man should move leisurely and take the time to entice
his lover. Cultivate greater depth of consciousness in your touching; be the
container for her budding ecstasy by staying present to your touch.
“I love it when he comes close to my lotus flower and then moves
away without touching. I feel his imaginary fingers playing and I build
desire for him.”

—Melinda, 43


Women often feel rushed to climax, so men should not forget about
teasing. Gently raise her leg over your shoulder and tease under her
thigh and knee with your fingertips or the back of your hand.



ALTERNATING-LEG MASSAGE

Lean back to a supine position and pull her leg up between yours till the foot
is close to your face. From this scissors position you can easily massage her
feet, calves, and thighs. Be aware that in your role as giver, as in receiving,
you are to focus only on your sensations. Feel the weight of her leg on your
chest. Take time to notice the heat of it on your body. Feel her leg rise on your
chest with your breath and lower with your exhale. Be sure to change legs and
perform the same movements.
Press both thumbs into the sole of the foot above the heel and knead in
small circles. Continue the circles up to the pad of the foot. Slide a finger in
and out between the toes, then pinch and rub the webbing between the toes
with your thumb and index finger. Breathe into the very point where your skin
touches hers. When your attention wanders off on some thought,
acknowledge it, smile, then return your thoughts to the moment and to the
touch. Our minds are relieved to know they don’t have to do everything. They
can sit back and enjoy the ride sometimes. How refreshing for the mind to
simply observe the wonder and delight of the feeling body.
To finish the lower body, kneel between her legs and, facing her, pull her
thighs up over yours. Stroke broadly from foot to foot over the abdomen in
several sweeping U strokes.
“Because I’m a nurse, I’m on my feet most of the day. There is
nothing I relish more than when my husband gives me a leg and foot
 massage when I get home from work. Sometimes he tenderly undresses
me for it and feathers me under the knee. It brings me to a Zen sort of
space. We’ll end kissing and sometimes have sex right there. Other times
we linger in that prolonged orgasmic realm and end up smiling like
starstruck lovers over dinner. Going to bed with him on those nights is
magical.”

—Sarah, 34

Massage the feet, calves, and thighs in the scissor position.

UPPER FRONT BODY MASSAGE

From your kneeling position between her legs, rub oil over her upper body,
starting with the abdomen, coming up between the breasts with one hand
following the other. At the collarbone, press outward toward the tips of the
shoulders, then stroke down the arms all the way to the fingertips, where you
will lift gently off. Repeat this sweeping introductory stroke a few times, then
casually circle some oil around the breasts, without focusing on the nipple.
• Abdomen
With a clockwise motion, circle the navel with one or two flat hands, covering
an area about the size of a dinner plate. Be gentle with the belly. Feel the
ridge of the lower ribs and outline it with your flat fingertips. If you circle
using two hands, one will gently slide over the other without breaking the
stroke. Slide both hands up the side body from the hips, lifting up the outside
tissue of the breast as you reach the underarm.
• Shoulders, Arms, and Hands
Place both palms on the upper chest, above the breasts, with your fingers
pointing to the ten-o’clock and two-o’clock positions; firmly press outward
toward the shoulder tips. Slide your fingers along the underside of the
collarbone, working from the neck outward and back again several times.
Knead the upper shoulders and arms by manipulating the musculature
between your thumb and fingers, moving downward to the forearms and
wrists. Encourage her to go limp, like a rag doll, as you lift her wrists and
massage them, and shake out the hands and limp fingers. Squeeze her palms,
separating the finger pads, and gently tug her fingertips away from the body.
• Breast Massage
Women love to have their breasts massaged, particularly if the man doesn’t
act too eager to get there. You have taken time to massage and caress the
whole body, which women crave, and now it’s time for a special treat.

Not only will rubbing oil over your partner’s chest for an upper front
body massage feel sensual for the receiver, but also it will allow the
massage giver to more easily navigate the sinuous curves of the body.

Some women report a direct zing right from the breast through the core of
the body to the genitals. Men, as well as women, can enjoy breast stimulation.
If a man thinks only women enjoy being touched in this erogenous zone, it
will be harder for him to notice the gentle sensations of this area. Many men
have experienced increased nipple sensation by simply allowing themselves
the pleasure.
Lesbians are well practiced in how to draw out and prolong the pleasure of
breast stimulation. Studies show that they spend a much longer time in this
area than most heterosexual couples. The breasts emanate heart energy and
represent, especially in a woman, her desire to nurture and give to others. By
massaging your lover’s breasts, you are replenishing her well of caring
emotion that is likely to come right back to you in a loving river.

Breast Massage Strokes
Kneeling between her legs or sitting at her side, add more oil to your hands
and, cupping a hand around each breast, vibrate the fleshy tissue. Scoop as
much of the breast tissue as possible and gently wiggle your hands. Tell her
how beautiful her breasts are and how much pleasure it brings you to touch
them. Most women think they are too big, too small, or too something.
Support her surrender in this vulnerable area with your deep breathing and
conscious touch. If she feels you are trying to “perform” for her, she’ll feel
the need to “respond” to you instead of focusing on her own pleasure.
A. Place a hand on the outside of each breast, under her arms, and scoop up
the outside breast tissue until it slides out from under your hands. This feels
delightful. Try this stroke vibrating. Massage in a firm circular movement the
dip between the shoulder tips and the breasts. Vibrate the breast tissue from
this ten-o’clock and two-o’clock position.
B. With both hands on one breast, encircle the entire breast, gently pulling
up on it and squeezing. Using your fingertips, press small circles in a large
circular pattern around the entire breast. Cup both hands over one breast and
take the time to feel its silky texture and softness. Gently squeeze your hands
together, kneading the tissue in a circular movement. Stay with soft, broad
movements and avoid singling out the nipple. Ask her about the pressure.
Repeat these movements on the other breast.
C. Experiment with tracing patterns such as a spiral up to the nipple and
back. Come into the nipple like a spider web with five fingers spread out and
coming to one point at the nipple. Use a light touch at first. If nipples are
touched too hard at the beginning, she may put up a barrier for fear of being
touched too hard too fast.
“I love it when my husband rubs oil on my breasts. He knows how
sensitive they are, and scoops, vibrates, and massages them perfectly.
When he plays with my nipple I feel both relaxed and sexually energized
at the same time”

—Lynn, 40

Only now are you ready to play with the nipple, the most sensitive part.
Cupping the entire breast tissue with your hands, use your thumb to barely
brush over the oiled tip of the nipple. Pause. Breathe. Go back and teasingly
flick the nipple with your thumb. Stop moving. Silence is a stroke. Come in
again and rotate the nipple at the end of your thumb. Pause. Err on the side of
too little, not too much.
 Lick the nipple lightly. Blow cool air on it. No mouth mauling. Come in to
where she can feel your hot breath just hanging over the nipple. Breathe
several deep breaths without touching, just breath on skin. If you leave her
wanting more, you’ve done your job.

HEAD MASSAGE

You may wish to have her head in your lap for these strokes. Comb your
fingers lavishly through her hair, gathering it into large clumps in your hands
and gently tugging. Firmly massage the scalp in small circles with your finger
pads, feeling the scalp move over the head bones. With your thumbs, make
small circles at her temples and behind her jaw.
With all eight of your fingertips, find the ridge where the skull meets the
neck. Holding the weight of her head a couple of inches off your lap, knead
this ridge with your fingertips. Gently rotate her head in both hands (remind
her to assume rag-doll mode) and move it in a clockwise motion, pausing and
holding at the top where the chin moves toward the breastbone.

Letting someone move your head is a supreme gesture of surrender
and trust. Start slowly and check with your receiver to find out how far
feels comfortable. If you feel safe, someone moving a body part for you
can be euphoric.

FINISHING STROKES FOR THE FRONT BODY

Lie next to your beloved. Place your hand over her heart. Think of penetrating
her heart with your caring, your protection, and your love. Breathe together
with eyes open or closed. Brush your fingertips lightly over as much of her
body as you can comfortably reach, connecting her body parts. You may
choose to cover her with a sheet or a blanket and leave her to soak in the
afterglow of your kindness. You may both decide to do the relaxation bonding
(discussed in chapter 2)—spooning and holding. You may choose to continue
with a genital massage or even the sexual bonding exercise (chapter 8).
If you do not get to all of these strokes in the twenty-to-thirty-minute front
massage it just means you have more to explore (and invent) the next time.
You can also renegotiate a longer time frame with your partner. Assuming a
change in plan, though, without checking with your lover is not advisable.
You build trust and safety by honoring your commitments, such as the time
frame.
Massage and Trust

Trust is strengthened by staying within the boundary of the massage—for
example, not fondling the genitals on a front massage. Many men have
lamented to me in my sex-coaching practice that their partners no longer
want to be massaged. Upon my inquiry, often it’s revealed that massage
as foreplay for sex is what they were really offering. Successful sensual
massage demands the highest integrity. Clearly express your desires and
intentions and listen mindfully; massage should be consensual, not
manipulative.
Massage is a natural lead into sexual play and being spontaneous is the
beauty of being in the moment. So there may be times when you both
spontaneously choose to change the boundaries. Playfulness will grow
naturally out of a foundation of trust where boundaries have been
 repeatedly respected in the past.

Surrender your mind, breath, and body; let your lover penetrate you
with his heart.

 chapter FIVE
EROTIC SELF-MASSAGE

If you were asked who your first lover was, you probably wouldn’t respond,
“Myself,” though most likely discovering your genitals was first done by you.
Masturbation is the most prevalent of all sexual acts, yet it is often veiled in
shame and guilt. Growing up, most of us were probably not taught that
touching ourselves is a natural and healthy expression. We grew up hiding our
solo sexuality, masturbating silently and quickly (not to get caught). Today
most of our self-pleasuring is still affected by those early hidden experiences
that inhibit our sexual creativity and growth.
Changing the way you touch yourself translates into changing the way you
touch your partner. If you no longer masturbate to get the job done, relieve
stress, or use it as a sleeping pill, you are free to explore self-loving as a
creative, evolving erotic expression. The exercises in this chapter lay the
foundation to enhanced partner genital massage by first expanding your self-
loving potential.

WOMAN’S EROTIC SELF-MASSAGE RITUAL

The attitude you bring to pleasing yourself speaks directly to how you feel
about pleasing your partner. Choose to bring more pleasure and fun into your
life by planning a special self-pleasuring session. Call a girlfriend or a lover
and tell him that you are making a solo loving date with yourself. Pamper
yourself by buying some special gift that day to add to the enjoyment of your
evening home alone.

SELF-TOUCH PREPARATION FOR WOMEN

Prepare your sacred, sexy space with candles, scents, music, and any “props,”
such as costumes, boas, lingerie, oils, lotions, and sex toys. Prepare a bath
with scented salts and bubbles. Let your housemates or family know you’d
like privacy and put a “Do not disturb” sign on the door. Call your friend or
lover (who also may be treating himself to a self-loving ritual at the same
time!) and let him know you are beginning your one-hour self-loving session.
Now turn off your phone and focus only on your pleasure for the next hour.
Often we think someone else is responsible to “do” us or make us feel
good. Most women were raised to think that the man is going to make it right
—and if he doesn’t, we know whom to blame. Somehow, we think, he’ll read
our mind (magical powers that come with true love) and, presto, give us
exactly what we want. The truth is that we often don’t know what we want. So
here’s a good chance to spend some time with yourself experimenting. If we
want our man to luxuriate over us for an hour of teasing, touching, and
wooing, let’s do it to ourselves.

SELF-TOUCH TECHNIQUES FOR WOMEN

Begin your self-pleasuring ritual by sitting in front of a mirror, giving
yourself a heart salutation, and gazing into your own eyes. Connect with the
sound of your breath coming into the nose and going out of the mouth with a
sigh, as if fogging up a mirror. Voice aloud your intention for your self-loving
ritual, such as, “I empower my sensual self to emerge,” or, “I celebrate my
sassy, sexy self.” Observe yourself undressing. If your mind wanders off onto
random thoughts, discipline it back to the present moment. Move slowly and
deliberately, as if conducting a sacred ceremony. Step into the tub; feel every
sensation.
As you luxuriate in the suds, practice sensate focus on yourself (focusing
on your bodily sensations only). You are now both giver and receiver. Notice
the subtle difference. Treat each pore, hair, and body detail as an aspect of the
divine. Perhaps you’ll try your new salt scrub or rubber-ducky vibrator. Slide
the soap over your smooth skin. Resting your back on your bath pillow,
explore how wet sensations, such as a hair shampoo, feel on your body. When
ready, step out of the tub and pat yourself dry.
In front of the mirror, view your curves, your voluptuousness. Undulate to
the music; dress up if you’d like. Touch your breasts. Play with your nipples
with oiled fingers. Lubricate your vulva and tease your clitoris while
watching yourself in the mirror. Note how eroticism softens your face.
Massage the inner and outer vulval lips between your thumb and fingers.
Slide a finger inside and rub the rough, spongy G-spot located about an inch
inside, on the top surface of the vagina.
“At first I thought an hour of self-pleasuring would seem like forever,
but it went so quickly. I had never looked in the mirror while I touched
my genitals before. I liked what I saw. My lover is lucky to have such a
brave, sexy lady.”

—Tara, 39

“I remember a time when I carried one goal with my masturbation—
to ejaculate. Old habits don’t satisfy me anymore. Now I witness waves
of pleasure, hear my heart race, and feel sensations that I compare to
deep shocks followed by a thumping softness. My needs have changed.”

—Shawn, 35



In self-pleasuring, a man can resensitize the penis and arouse himself
with slower and lighter strokes, thereby more closely simulating the
sensations of partner intercourse. Learning slower masturbation
techniques will help prepare you to be a better lover.

Expand the edges of your experience. Witness in yourself the many faces of
womanhood. Touch yourself as the virgin and innocent maiden. Grind your
hips to unleash your lascivious self, the inner woman who knows how to lap
up her pleasure shamelessly. See reflected in the mirror an erotic, passionate
woman, creative and confident, who is claiming her sexuality.
Touch yourself however it pleases you. If orgasm happens, fine, but coming
to orgasm is not the goal; rather, breathing into the pleasure of each moment
is the intent. Close the ritual by sitting reverently in front of the mirror and
honoring your erotic journey with a heart salutation. Call your partner and let
him or her know you have completed your self-touching ritual. You may wish
to share something about your experience or simply give thanks for the
support.

MAN’S EROTIC SELF-MASSAGE RITUAL

As a man, you’ve been taught it’s all about her. It’s so important to please her
that you forget to enjoy your own body or tune in to your own sensations. The
responsibility you feel for “doing her” interferes with your ability to focus on
your own body and learn the nuances of your arousal.
As men you’ve also been taught not to feel your feelings. The emotional
body is off limits if you are to stay in control and be manly. Yet, to connect
with a woman, you need to confidently negotiate the sensual, emotional body.
Your old ways (quick and fast) of masturbating often work against your being
able to connect with and fulfill your partner sexually. You can learn how to
masturbate in ways that prepare you to be a better lover.
Through your solo-sex practice you can prepare yourself for prolonged,
creative lovemaking with a partner that is richly sensual and free from
performance anxiety. Conscious self-pleasuring strengthens your erections
and orgasms and brings focus and potency to your loving. Improve your
focus, attitude, and techniques of self-loving, and you’ll have better sex with
your partner.
SELF-TOUCH PREPARATION FOR MEN

For your solo-sex ritual, commit to spending an hour and choose an
untraditional place—consider a private place, perhaps even one in nature if
it’s private!—or some other powerful place for you. If you usually masturbate
in the shower, change the routine. Anchor yourself in deep, slow breathing.
Visualize your inhale and exhale. Some men liken this expansion and
contraction of the breath to the movements of lovemaking. Undress slowly
and sensually.

SELF-TOUCH TECHNIQUES FOR MEN

Begin touching your whole body, unhurriedly, employing the sensate-focus
techniques of focusing your attention on only where you are touching. Rub
your chest, shoulders, and arms with lotion. If you generally lie down, try
standing, or leaning against a wall (or tree, if you’re outside). Look at
yourself in the mirror. Move your hips, change your angle, and honor your
unique male body and precious genitals.
Use oil or lotion on your penis, scrotum, perineum, and anus. Try lighter
and slower strokes and take the time to feel each stroke. Touch the whole
penis, including the shaft and the base. A reflexive organ like the hands and
feet, the penis has different zones that relate to various internal organs.
Change your grip, change hands. Massage other parts of your body while you
stroke your genitals.
Be aware of how much pleasure you give yourself and your partner with
this wand of light, a Tantric sex term for the penis. You are stroking a “wand”
that creates new life and new souls.
Ejaculation is not the goal. Tune in to all your sensations and practice
bringing yourself up and down in your arousal cycle. You’re introducing your
penis to new strokes, rhythms, and pressure. You may ejaculate (lasting a few
seconds) or you may choose to remain in a prolonged orgasmic realm. You
have a choice. Once you lose the single-minded need to always end in
ejaculation, you begin a multifaceted journey into high sex, a Tantric term for
accessing whole-body orgasms and multiorgasmic potential. Partner
lovemaking becomes about the journey—not the destination. The man’s
prolonged attention is the key to transforming the ordinary sex into a spiritual
union. Use the full hour, and end with an appreciative heart salutation.

“I was amazed how close I felt to my lover after I opened myself in
this vulnerable way. I thought, ‘If I can do this with him watching, I can
tell him what feels good and what doesn’t in partner sex.’ This exercise
helped me become more confident, which has really helped my sex life.”

—Laura, 29

WOMAN SELF-PLEASURING FOR A MAN

One of the surest ways to quickly uncover layers of shame and liberate your
innate creative sensuality is to pleasure yourself for your beloved. Sharing
masturbation not only is instructive for your partner but empowers your
sexuality in unfathomed ways. By witnessing each other in this most normal
sex act, you drop the veil of secrecy and empower the root of eroticism—self-
love.

PREPARATION FOR SHARING YOUR SELF-

PLEASURING

As in the solo-pleasuring exercise, prepare your sacred space with all your
silks, feathers, lotions, and oils. Invite your lover to get comfortable in some
place in the room from which you wish him to observe. He remains nonverbal
and nontouching in this exercise, though he may naturally breathe and sound
with you. Position him where he can see your genital stroking. Allow thirty to
sixty minutes for this exercise, and set the timer.
Begin by gazing into each other’s eyes, synchronizing your breathing, and
share your intention, “I intend to touch myself with appreciation.” The
witness may intend, “I intend to witness in gratitude your self-loving.” Bow
in a heart salutation. You may prefer wearing a blindfold. Either way, take the
few minutes to close your eyes and come into your own breathing and body.
When you are ready, begin your self-caring ritual. Slowly undress (perhaps
in front of the mirror), feeling the fabric swish against your skin. You are
focusing on your sensations now, so when you remember you are being
watched, gently bring your mind back to your body. Remember your solo-
pleasuring experience. Share your authentic self, move to the music, smell the
lotions, taste them on your skin. Lavish yourself without feeling the need to
please anyone else. This time is for you. Take as long as you want doing
luscious, wonderful things to yourself.
There is nothing sexier than a woman taking her pleasure. Be noisy with
your breath, moan, groan, and squirm for your delight. When you’re tired of
doing one thing, invent another. Feather your feet, brush your hair, suck your
fingers, and put warm oil on your nipples.
Warm up your pubic area with loving strokes. Massage your pubic mound,
vulva, clitoris, and perineum. Use a generous amount of lotion, since the
clitoris does not self-lubricate. Use your fingers, a vibrator, or a sex toy to
penetrate your vagina if you feel like it. Relinquish the need for an outcome
(such as getting wet or having an orgasm). Practice trusting, believing, and
following your own desires, your own timing, and your own rhythm.
When the time is up, you may want to wash your hands and put on a robe
and sit before your beloved. Take a few moments to tell him what the
experience was like for you. He may respond with what it was like to witness
you. This is not a time to suggest technique or to criticize but a time to report
your own experience. End with a heart salutation and a hug.

MAN SELF-PLEASURING FOR A WOMAN

Women, like men, also appreciate seeing their lover fully exposed—both
physically and emotionally. Practicing self-touch in front of your partner not
only will enable you to become more comfortable with yourself but also will
allow her to witness your vulnerability as a man, permitting her to feel an
intimacy with you that she previously might not have felt.
PREPARATION FOR SHARING YOUR SELF-
PLEASURING

Prepare your space, lubricant, lotions, and oils for your full-body conscious
self-loving session with your lover as witness. Invite her to position herself
comfortably where she can see you but not interfere with your movements
(ideally not touching you). Set the timer for thirty to sixty minutes. Begin
together by gazing, ocean breathing and speaking intentions, then bow in a
heart salutation. She becomes the nonverbal, unobtrusive observer of your
exploration.
“When this activity was first suggested by a sex coach I heard on the
radio, I thought I would die. How could I expose myself? And I was
afraid to ‘bore’ someone with my lackluster routine. However, I was
amazed at myself before the hour was up. I was motivated to new levels
of play simply by being observed attentively and quietly by my partner. I
felt validated and normal, like I had nothing to hide.”

—Carol, 35


Your woman will learn more about how to stroke you when you self-
pleasure for her.

Breathe deeply with your eyes closed until you feel a connection to your
intention, such as “to feel each sensation.” Take your time. Massage your
muscles with lotion, and feel your strength to protect, care, and provide for
your loved ones and community. Massage your thighs and feel the power of
your mobility. Touch your whole body. Wake up all the masculine aspects of
yourself, the curious boy, the ardent lover, the foolish man, the wise and
clever magician. Be awed by your versatility and depth.
 Massage your genitals with the varied strokes you explored in your solo-
loving practice. Allow your pleasure to flow with your breath and sound.
Tease yourself. She will be fascinated. But you are not doing this for her. You
are acknowledging yourself as a powerful, creative being capable of giving
and receiving deep pleasure. Choose whether or not you will ejaculate, being
fully aware that each time you have a choice. When you choose to delay
ejaculation, you enlarge your capacity to hold larger amounts of erotic energy
before spilling out.
When the time is up, wash your hands, put on a robe and sit before your
beloved. Share with her your experience of being observed, and she will
respond with her experience of observing. End with a heart salutation, a hug,
or relaxation bonding.
WHEN A MAN CHOOSES TO BUILD EROTIC ENERGY without
release, he signals to a woman that he is still attentive. In the East,
ejaculation is described as “going,” not “coming.” After reaching climax, a
man is literally depleted and needs a rest; his vitality and drive are
diminished. Delaying ejaculation is a powerful tool to prolong the special
relationship between lovers during sex.
“When my lover watched me self-pleasure, I felt very connected to
my sexuality. I could focus on myself, because I wasn’t trying to initiate
or respond to her. It was very liberating, as well as extremely hot, to
have her witness me in this state. I felt a deep appreciation for both her
and myself.”

—Tony, 46


 chapter SIX
EROTIC GENITAL MASSAGE

GENITAL MASSAGE TECHNIQUES FOR HER

The first time my partner offered me a genital massage, just to honor me as a
divine being, I was nervous. I’d been touched there before only to be
“prepped” for intercourse, and here was a sincere offer of massage for its own
end. I was self-conscious, even embarrassed, to think of his touching my
genitals without my giving back. I was afraid I would not perform for him by
getting wet or having an orgasm. I wanted to say no.
I’m glad I got over that hurdle. True, it took me many times before I
relaxed into the beauty of receiving fully, but the journey has been worth the
risks. It’s helpful for men to remind their women that this gesture is to be
enjoyed as an end in itself. Your gift of a genital massage is not a stepping-
stone to intercourse but a romantic and sensual bequest in its own right.

HEART AND GENITAL HOLD


After at least thirty minutes of nongenital body caressing or massage, ask her
if you may honor her with a twenty-minute genital massage. By now she
knows you are a man of your word. With her permission (and with short,
smooth fingernails and clean hands), seat her comfortably in pillows, set the
timer, place your hand over her heart and genitals, gaze and breathe. Express
your intention, “I wish to nurture your holy well,” or “I will allow you to feel
your feelings.” Ask her for her intention (expressed in positive language).

INDIRECT CLITORAL STIMULATION

Maintaining eye contact and keeping a hand on her pubic mound lightly touch
with the other hand her chest, abdomen, and thighs with soft, long connecting
strokes. Tell her she is safe with you; there’s nothing she has to do except
breathe, follow the touch, and be. Place one hand on her heart, the other palm
over her vulva, and round your fingertips over the pubic bone. This is
“heaven’s back door” to the vagina’s internal G-spot. Rotate your entire arm
and wrist back and forth about an inch, firmly wrapping around the pubic
bone. Check with her. She may feel a tingling internally. Hold and vibrate.
Ask her to lie supine, place pillows under her knees, and sit or lie beside
her. Pour warm massage oil over the hand that is resting on her genitals,
letting it filter through to the vulva. Hand over hand, use upward strokes from
the perineum, spreading the oil over the entire genital region. The main center
of pleasure for women is the clitoris, a tiny glans the size of a lentil with more
than 8,000 nerve endings. Its only purpose is for pleasure, and since estrogen
does not affect it, with stimulation it grows more sensitive as a woman
matures. Most women need direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris to
orgasm.
Road to Intimacy

Genital massage opens a woman to her very core, and she needs to be
aware of how unexpressed anger can interfere with turn-on and,
therefore, orgasm. Oftentimes, this anger is directed toward her closest
partner. Both men and women need to recognize and take responsibility
for their anger and know that anger, no matter how justified, will not
bring an ounce of happiness.
In life (and erotic massage) women often expect their male partners to be
mind readers. We think that, “If he loves me, he’ll know just what I want
 and magically give me everything without me asking.” In this guessing
game, both parties lose. Women withhold what they want, then blame
men for not giving it to them. By choosing joy over anger, a woman can
teach a man how to touch and gratify her. Most men want to gratify their
partners and are capable of climbing mountains if they know what to do.
Communicate how you like your genitals to be touched and appreciate
his efforts to pleasure you. Appreciation spawns intimacy.

Opening “heaven’s back door.”

Vulva Stroke
A. The vulva stroke stimulates the clitoris indirectly. Using your thumb and
index finger, pinch a good amount of her outer lips (labia majora) and knead
till it slips out of your grip. Continue from the clitoris to the perineum and
back up the other side.
Give her love pats, with your flat fingers tapping the clitoris. Ask her about
the pressure. Pinch the shaft of the clitoris from above, through the hood, and
shake lightly. With both hands, pull the outer lips outward, while
simultaneously starting at the inner lips (labia minora), spreading them toward
where the thigh meets the pelvis.
Vulva Valley Stroke
B. For the vulva valley stroke, place one hand on her abdomen, and with your
other hand, place a finger on each side of the clitoris and dip into the valley
that runs down each side of the vaginal opening. Ask her if she wants more or
less pressure, or a faster or slower speed. Vary this stroke with rhythm,
pressure, and vibration. Use your fingertips to circle the clitoris. Ask her if
you are in the right place, or how you could move to make it better. Circle in
the other direction, and make circles around the vaginal opening.

MORE DIRECT CLITORAL STIMULATION

Clitoral Hood Strokes
C. With the palm on the pubic mound, stroke the clitoris with your index
finger while you massage her inner thighs with the other hand. Retract the
hood, exposing the glans, and find out what pressure she likes. Slide the hood
back and forth without touching the clitoris with your fingers. Remember to
stroke for a few seconds, pause, then vary the stroke in some way. Many
women like close but not direct stimulation on the clitoris. Ask your lover.
Include stillness with deep breathing as a stroke.
Often when we get to the genitals, our sensate-focus practice flies out the
window. We get so nervous we hold our breath. Touch for your pleasure;
enjoy this juicy, pink, soft part of her. To keep your focus, come back to your
breath, intention, and touch.
Teasing the Clitoris
D. Tease the clitoris through the hood with your finger. Make sure there is
plenty of oil or lubricant, because, unlike the vagina, the clitoris makes none
of its own. Try exhaling some hot breath right onto the magic button; try a
cool stream of air. Try a vibrator held on top of your hand that’s touching her
clitoris. The vibrations through your fingers will feel marvelous.
The Healing Power of Massage

All of us, women and men, have had negative sexual experiences:
Perhaps we weren’t ready for penetration yet, or we wanted to cuddle
instead of have intercourse, or we started down that road, changed our
minds, but couldn’t express our desires. Some of us have been touched
inappropriately when we were powerless to do anything about it. Women
may have difficult issues regarding abortions, miscarriages, or
childbirth. Negative imprints such as these are often stored in the
 genitals—and the cumulative effect is pelvic numbness and fear of sex.
Genital massage with the intention to heal liberates and frees past
patterns that have blocked us from our sensual feelings. Intentional
erotic massage increases our body’s sensitivity. Each of us decides how
much we will release of past disappointments and anger. The more you
let go, the more passion fills the new space.

Talking to Her
Try being verbal with this massage. Tell her how beautiful her “flower” is.
(Most women don’t believe their genitals are beautiful.) If you notice her lips
changing into a deeper pink or purple, tell her. If you see some wetness
glisten from her vagina, remark how gorgeous it is. If her glans swell, tell her
how bulbous her clitoris has become and how that makes you feel. You may
also choose to stay nonverbal, but never tell her anything you don’t truly feel.
 Model deep surrender for her by sighing on your exhale. When she makes
even a tentative sound, tell her how sexy her sighs and moans are to you.
Remember when she courageously self-pleasured for you? Mirror the same
strokes she did on herself while solo loving. You could ask her to show you
again how she did a certain stroke. She may or may not choose to maintain
eye contact with you during this intimate encounter, though you may ask her
to look into your eyes if you desire.

VAGINAL MASSAGE

After spending at least five minutes stimulating the clitoris with plenty of
lube, ask your lover, “May I touch you inside?” Or, “May I enter your temple
gates?” Or, “May I visit your secret garden?” Look directly into her eyes and,
using your own words, ask for permission in your most adoring voice.
Staying on the outside of the vaginal canal is always a perfect option for
either of you. If she does say no, it is often more about what’s going on inside
her than your technique. “No” is a precious gift; tell her “Thank you,” and
feel assured that in the future you can trust her “Yes.”
Penetration
E. If she says yes, do not rush through the door. Linger seductively at the
opening. Tease. Flirt. Picture her begging. Instead of friction, wait till you feel
her sucking your finger into her essence. You may tell her, “Breathe me in.”
And if you don’t feel a draw, wait. When ready (and with lots of lube), slowly
penetrate her. Place one hand on her abdomen and slide one or two fingers all
the way into the vagina, then hold still.
Use your sensate-focus skills, focusing your total attention on your bodily
sensations. Notice the heat and moistness within this deep cave. With your
whole hand, slide slowly in and out about an inch. How slowly can you
move? Vibrate your hand lightly. Press in the four directions—upward,
outward toward each leg, and downward—coming to the center and pausing a
few seconds between each press.
G-Spot or Sacred Spot Massage
F. Pull your fingers back out to the second knuckle and curve them toward the
pubic bone in a come-hither gesture, lightly stroking the top wall of the
vagina. Feel for an area that is more spongy and wrinkly than the surrounding
smooth tissue and about 1.5 inches inside. This sensitive area, about the size
of a quarter, is connected internally to the clitoris. If the G-spot is touched
before a woman is clitorally stimulated, it is unengorged and hard to find, and
she feels nothing, or it is even painful (think of the head of your penis). At
first a woman may feel the urge to urinate, but with a couple of slow breaths,
that will pass.
Once you have found the sacred spot (with her help), make small circles
with the flat pads of your fingertips. Pause. Change direction. Pause. Try the
doorbell. Press up firmly toward the top of the pubic bone, hold five seconds,
then release five seconds. Ask her about the pressure. Repeat several times.
Make a windshield-wiper stroke in the same fashion.
Alternating Clitoral and G-Spot Stimulation
With one palm anchored on the pubic bone, use your fingers to manipulate the
clitoris. Use your internal fingers or thumb of the other hand to massage the
G-spot. Stimulate five to fifteen seconds on one spot, rest for a couple of
breaths, then continue to stimulate the other spot. Resting your palm on the
pubic bone helps her feel secure. Encourage your partner to feel her feelings
and to breathe deeply.

CLOSING MASSAGE RITUAL FOR HER

A couple of minutes before the end of the massage, tell her, “I’m coming out
from deep inside you now.” Pause, then remove your internal hand slowly
while the other hand rests on her lower abdomen. Rest your hot, moist hand
over her genitals, and with the other one, massage around the heart, breasts,
shoulders, and thighs, connecting the body to the genitals. End with a heart
salutation, relaxation bonding, or mutual sharing if desired. As in all
massages, with experience you may mutually decide to extend the time.

Genital massage with the intention to heal liberates and frees us from
past patterns that have blocked us from sensual feelings.

“I never thought about asking for permission to enter my lover with
a finger, and it felt pleasantly old-fashioned. It felt great being inside her
after I received her blessing to be there. Asking permission no longer
feels clinical to me, it feels deeply caring and intimate.”

—Stephen, 40

Keeping Time

As the active partner, you are the time-keeper. The giver must be aware
of time and orchestrate a seamless massage progression from the
opening ritual to closure. Don’t get caught by the timer and be only
halfway through the massage. Plan your time—in this case, for example,
opening ritual five minutes, clitoral strokes five minutes, vaginal/clitoral
strokes eight minutes, and closing ritual two minutes. Put your timer
where you can see it.

GENITAL MASSAGE FOR HIM


Bring your man deep into his body with thirty or more minutes of body
caresses and/or massage, then ask him if you may massage his genitals. Clear
permission here creates trust and safety. Tell him that for the next twenty
minutes you want to massage his silky, pink parts for your pleasure. Remind
him there’s nothing he has to do but lie back, breathe deeply, and focus on his
sensations.

THE GROUND RULES

Assure him that getting hard, or staying hard, or ejaculating is not expected—
if it happens, that’s okay, but it’s fine if it doesn’t. Men often report that they
are never granted this permission, but when given, it is extremely freeing.
Without the pressure to perform, a man is free to feel his own sensations and
arousal, a necessary step in learning ejaculatory mastery.
Tell him that it is fun to play with a “soft-on” and medium-hard penis and
you imagine it feels good to him, too. Tell him if he ejaculates in the first few
minutes, you still get to touch his gorgeous parts for twenty minutes. Commit
to your own pleasure. Tell him you will do only what feels good to you.
Remind him he’s not taking care of you now, he’s receiving, which is often a
difficult role for men.

COMPASSION FOR HIM

As a man ages, he requires more time and stimulation to get an erection,
which is more tentative, and he needs to ejaculate less to maintain potency.
The fact that a man might not respond to you “erection-wise” as in younger
years doesn’t mean he loves you less or is no longer attracted to you. Women
need to have compassion for men whose sexuality is so exposed. Sometimes
penises can become erect when nothing sexual is happening, or not get erect
when they feel sexy and aroused.

HEART AND GENITAL HOLD

Set the timer. Position your breasts over his penis and place your hands over
his heart. The man is strongest in root sexual energy, while the woman is
strongest in the heart-love energy. In this position, you nurture and balance
each other. Gaze and breathe together, basking in the flow of your
complementary strengths. Speak your intention, such as, “I will nurture and
heal your precious wand.” His intention may be, “I open myself to feel each
sensation.”

GENITAL MASSAGE STROKES FOR HIM

Begin by stroking his chest, abdomen, and thighs in long, smooth, connecting
strokes. Vibrate his penis through your breasts by sighing aloud. Let your
throat be soft and let the sound fall from your heart into his penis. Undulate
between his legs. Marvel at the male playground before you.
In my sex-coaching practice, I’m surprised how often men tell me their
women just want to “do it” quickly. It is good to hear that men also like to
play, meander, and luxuriate in sensual touch. Here’s your chance to honor
him. Change position and sit between his legs, facing him, with his thighs
over your thighs, or sit to his side if you prefer.
Pour some warm oil on top of your fingers covering his genitals and let it
filter through. Alternating hands, stroke and spread the oil over the entire
region. Tickle the pubic hair, stroke his balls, and take a generous pinch of
scrotum skin, pulling up on it and kneading it between your thumb and
fingers. Shake it. Work all around the scrotum and perineum, stretching and
pulling.

 Tell you partner to simply observe his arousal without trying to
withhold or heighten it during a genital massage. Remind him to relax,
breathe deeply, and focus on his sensations.

Perineum Stroke
A. With one hand on his penis, make a fist with the other hand and dig deep
into the “hidden penis,” also known as the perineum. Rotate and vibrate your
fist. Lean into it with your whole body. Check with him for more or less
pressure. This area loves touch and is usually ignored. You may wish to
review perineum massage from chapter 3, under “Back Body Massage.” Open
your fist and place the palm over the perineum with thumb and finger
encircling the scrotum. Press and massage firmly from this angle.

Scrotum Stretch
B. For the scrotum stretch, encircle one hand around the balls, with your
fingers touching on the underside; and with the other hand on the shaft of the
penis, pull gently in the opposite direction. While stretching in opposition, try
stroking his balls with your fingers on his scrotum. Remind him to keep his
thighs, butt, and abdomen soft.

Around-the-Clock Stroke
C. In what I call the around-the-clock stroke, you massage the scrotum with
one hand while you take the penis in the other and rotate it in a circle, as if it
were a hand of a clock. Squeeze playfully from base to tip at every hour. Pay
special attention and more time at the six-o’clock “good news” position and
the twelve-o’clock “healing” position, where your stroking hand can continue
up to the heart.
Hold the base of the penis while you stroke the sensitive area beneath the
head on the underside of the penis, the frenulum. Pulling the skin taunt at the
base increases the sensitivity at the head.
Corkscrew Stroke
D. You can do a corkscrew stroke by twisting the penis shaft and head as you
slide your hand up and down. Remember to pause occasionally to allow the
sensations to subside. As when stroking your own clitoris, intersperse pauses.
Vary your pressure and speed and check in with him.
Massage the shaft, not just the head, of the penis. With one hand covering
the penis, massage the inner thighs in a U stroke (the stroke can also extend
all the way to the heart) with your other hand. Use a vibrator against the hand
holding the penis. If he tenses his thighs, touch them and ask him to make
them soft. Being relaxed combined with deep and even breathing helps him
contain more sexual energy. Press under the scrotum to help bring him down
from high levels of arousal.

VALIDATE HIM

Most men think their penises are too small. The average penis when erect is
five and a half to six inches (porn movie stars don’t count!). Some men have
big nonerect penises that only slightly enlarge with stimulation; other men
have smaller nonerect penises and grow substantially with arousal. Either
way, make a point of sincerely telling him how this precious part of him
pleases you.
Describe how beautiful the mushroom head is shaped, or the veins on the
shaft, or how it turns deep purple with arousal, and how perfect its size is for
you. Remark how big his penis looks from your view (they judge it from only
one angle—and not the best one!). Tell him how it feels to have your hand
around his hardness and how much pleasure you derive from him.

Remember the strokes you watched him perform on himself when he self-
pleasured for you? If so, duplicate these strokes as you play with him. Women
are often too tentative with touch because they relate it to the sensitivity of the
clitoris. Remember the pressure he used on his own balls and mimic it. (See
figure E.) If in doubt, ask him if he wants more or less pressure.
If it feels like work, you may be performing for him or trying to make him
come. Back off. Stop, breathe, find your center, and think of your intention. It
has nothing to do with outcome, and everything to do with the journey. This is
different from the usual. Allow yourself the freedom. If he happens to
ejaculate, encourage him to enjoy the explosion, and invite him to stay with
his sensations. Wipe him off with a warm, wet towel and continue your
massage, avoiding the tip of the penis, which can be supersensitive after
orgasm.

Tell your lover how beautiful you find all parts of his body.


Prolong and heighten your partner’s arousal with light and varied
strokes.

“The key for me was when she said I didn’t have to get hard and I
didn’t have to do anything. That was so different. I realized how much
pressure I put on myself all the time. When she massaged me, I felt
relaxed and excited at the same time. Taking turns has helped me fully
feel all my sensations.”

—Richard, 32

CLOSING MASSAGE RITUAL FOR HIM

A couple of minutes before the end of the massage, slow your strokes and
cover his genitals with one hand while you massage his chest, shoulders, and
heart with the other hand. It feels unusual to massage a man’s genitals without
the purpose of making him ejaculate. Your self-worth may come into
question. His self-worth may come into question. You are learning to contain
more erotic energy in a prolonged orgasmic realm.
Containment of sexual energy is the juice that lubricates flirting, attention,
desire, and seduction in a relationship. Containing arousal is not often
practiced in relationships. Boredom and routine come from thinking every
sexy touch needs to end in orgasm. With your hand, cover the underside of his
penis and, with the other hand covering his heart, breathe in the wonder of the
moment together. Share with him how powerful his aliveness feels to you.
End in a heart salutation, bonding, or mutual verbal sharing.

PROLONGING AROUSAL TECHNIQUES FOR HIM

Most couples want to prolong and heighten the special rapport that comes
from erotic massage and lovemaking. Men seek ways to prolong their arousal
so they can be more available to support women’s pleasure. The tools for
prolonging sexual energy, many of which the men have already practiced in
this book, are simple. Developing a slow, even and deep breath is
fundamental to extending ecstasy. Without it you cannot focus on your
sensations and learn how to go up and down in your arousal cycle.
By relaxing your big muscles, such as thighs, buttocks, and abdomen, you
can hold more erotic energy; tensing muscles makes you need to ejaculate.
Being relaxed while excited seems foreign to us in the West, though Tantra
teaches this technique as a means to cultivate and circulate erotic energy from
the fiery root (genitals) throughout the entire body. Learn to recognize tension
in your body and release it routinely to last longer.
Practicing conscious masturbation, as covered in chapter 5, makes the penis
more sensitive to lighter and more varied strokes. This sensitivity encourages
you to spend more time and involve the whole body to prolong arousal. If a
man takes only a few minutes to masturbate and remains fixed on one type of
hard, fast stroke for orgasm, and he assimilates this pattern to climax during
intercourse, his partner will not feel satisfied. Practice prolonging arousal in
your solo loving.
The PC (pubococcygeus) muscle is the pelvic-floor muscle that you tighten
to stop the flow of urine. If exercised daily, it strengthens your erections,
makes them last longer, and makes your orgasms stronger. Pulse the PC
muscle every day and eventually hold for longer, sustained intervals.
Similarly for women, the Kegel exercises strengthen the vagina, increase
sensations for her and her partner, and make her orgasms more powerful.
Much of Tantra, ancient sacred sexuality teachings, instructs how to use a
strong PC muscle in conscious combination with breathing and movement to
achieve prolonged ecstasy. Fortunately, many books on Tantra and becoming
multiorgasmic are available today.
 Once you have spent several weeks getting your PC muscle in shape, begin
adding PC contractions to your self-pleasuring sessions. Ride the waves of
your arousal with attention to your sensations, familiarizing yourself with
your arousal process. At the peak of a wave, contract your PC muscle and
firmly hold it. This will help bring you down.
The squeeze technique works similarly to contracting the PC muscle to
avert ejaculation. Press your thumb and finger just under the rim of the glans
or the head of the penis when you feel the urgency of climax approaching.
“After two months of practicing, I was able to ejaculate only when I
wanted: after my lover peaked several times and we gave each other the
‘go for it’ signal. We’d been making love for fifteen years, and this was
such a gift to our intimacy.”

—Mark, 45

The Start/Stop Technique for Men

In the start/stop technique, you stop stimulation before ejaculation seems
inevitable. After a rest and subsiding of arousal, begin stroking again.
Enjoy your practice sessions, including your mistakes. Extending the
duration of your erection will be appreciated by your partner. Invite her
to join you for some peaking exercises and decide on a nonverbal signal
to stop stroking.

 chapter SEVEN
SENSUAL SHOWER AND EROTIC BATH
MASSAGE

THE SENSUAL SHOWER

By now you have shared timeless and treasured moments exploring the body
erotic with sensuous caresses and massages. Your enhanced skills of
conscious breathing and touch can go anywhere with you—even to the
shower. A warm, soapy shower will leave you feeling slippery clean and
deeply nourished.

SOLO SENSUAL SHOWER

Often we hope a lover will please us for an extended time, yet we don’t think
of spending time satisfying ourselves. Luscious solo escapades are the
foundation for partner exploration. Schedule an hour for a solo sensual
shower. A shower is generally a quick and routine affair, so changing your
speed and focus can be an adventure.
Prepare a warm bathroom in some special way and include aromatic soap
to stimulate your sense of smell. Focus yourself by the opening ritual of
breathing and intention. Step into the shower, feel the enclosed environment
signal the opportunity to go inside yourself. Allow your troubles to trickle
away and tune in to your sensations. You need only a little stream of water to
keep the soap on your skin from drying.
Touch yourself from head to toe as you would a precious lover. Your skin
isn’t particular about who touches it, whether it’s yourself or a lover; any
sensation is welcome. Try applying a salt scrub; its rough texture makes your
skin tingle but becomes smooth as stone when you wash it away. Feel the
silkiness of soap on your genitals. What a great place to practice your
conscious masturbation skills. Explore a new touch, lighter and slower than
usual. Pump your PC muscle, which will tingle your genitals. If you’re a man,
enjoy prolonging your arousal by using the squeeze or stop/start technique.
Expand your hard time by enjoying orgasmic sensations without the finality
of ejaculation.
Touch your nipples and your vulva (or testicles if you’re a man) and lightly
stroke your anus. The anus is richly endowed with nerve endings, and after
the clitoris and the penis, it is the body’s most erotic zone. A soapy shower is
a good place to get acquainted with this underappreciated (and overshamed)
part of us. Lubrication, such as a soapy finger, is always a good idea for the
delicate skin here. After touching the anus, wash your hand before touching
other body parts. Often couples include anal touch (and sometimes
penetration) as part of whole-body exploration.
End the sensual shower by patting dry and pampering yourself with lotions
or other body-honoring rituals. Take extra time grooming the details of your
body temple. Celebrate the sensual shower as an act of self-love. Taking
responsibility for your own pleasure relieves your partner of always having to
do it.
“Touching myself in the shower has both a calming and an erotic
effect on me. As the warm water gushes down on me, I slowly trace my
fingers around my nipples and my breasts, and then gently massage my
clitoris. When I’m finished with it all, I am not only physically clean but
emotionally refreshed and sexually satisfied.”

—Julia, 34



A woman’s body pulls a man out of his head and into his body.

PARTNER SENSUAL SHOWER

Now you are ready to share a sensual shower with a partner. Decide who will
first be the toucher (giver) and the touchee (receiver). The sensual shower is
nonverbal. Set aside an hour and begin with a heart salutation, gazing,
breathing, and sharing intentions.
As the active partner, begin by lathering up your lover’s back. Slip your
soapy hand over her mounds and dips, noticing how different water feels from
oil on dry skin. Rub your shoulders and your entire chest over her back and
buttocks (she can brace against a wall with her hands). Try closing your eyes
to heighten your sense of touch. Turn back-to-back with her and slip up and
down her whole back body with your body. Be creative and move slowly so
you can feel each movement and each breath.
Explore the front of her body like a child at play. If you should encounter
an erect nipple (or penis, if the man is receiving), enjoy it casually and move
on when you’re ready. Linger at the genitals, but do not fixate on them. Honor
the whole body with touch. Use all your body parts, including buttocks, hair,
and tongue, to sense and taste your partner in the wet, steamy heat. Try a slow
sensual shampoo.
Touching for your own pleasure is the key to sensuality. Often we try to
guess what the other likes and “perform” it. Stay with what pleases you and
you will be amazed at the results. If you are “performing” or worried about
doing it right, you’ll lose the joy of the moment. Do it for you. Remember,
your touch is not about sexual stimulation-it’s about sensual arousal.
In addition, don’t forget to have wet fun with your partner! We open our
hearts to joy and wonder by playing in the moment. Remember as children
how our play followed no preconceived design; we just lost ourselves in the
game. Sharing playful moments with your partner is essential for a strong
emotional relationship. When you and your lover feel stretched and thinned
by life’s challenges, you’ll have reserves to draw upon. Your shared pleasure
is an investment that secures your relationship.
The sensual shower is enjoyed as an end in itself. It’s not an appetizer for
the main event-intercourse with the goal of orgasm. We are not striving for a
desired outcome. If we were, we’d miss the experiences along the way. When
we practice nonattachment to a specified outcome, our striving ceases and we
can enjoy the moment. About halfway through the sensual shower (thirty
minutes), trade roles, and now the woman will become the giver.
 Stop Performing and Start Enjoying

Touching for your own pleasure is the key to sensuality. Often we try to
guess what the other likes and “perform” it. Stay with what pleases you
and you will be amazed at the results.

ORAL MASSAGE IN THE SHOWER

Using the mouth in sensual massage creates sweet and juicy sensations and
can develop deep intimacy. Oral massage can be practiced in the shower (or
anywhere else, for that matter!). Here are some techniques to try during your
partner shower or other activities.
Wet Oral Massage Techniques
Start with a relaxed mouth and soft lips; slightly protrude them without a huge
pucker. Soft lips can feel more than tense, tight ones. Be gentle with kisses at
the start; too much pressure numbs the mouth. Most women report that a good
kisser starts light and gradually turns on the juice. Don’t make the mistake of
too much too fast.
Kneeling in front of him, barely brush your mouth over one of his hands.
Lightly press a knuckle between your lips, then another. Kiss his hand lightly
(no whiskers if you are a man). Open your mouth and trace the contours of his
fingers with your tongue, especially between the fingers. Enjoy the silky
sensations. Take a finger into your hot mouth, suck it in and out, going from
light and slow to a more vigorous action. Roll your tongue around the finger
for the joy of it.
Leisurely nibble your way up the forearm and kiss his shoulders. With a
parted mouth, lick the water droplets off his collarbone. Feel his chest hair
tease your lips. Suck his nipples. Never entirely release your suction-keep it
minimal and move the nipple back and forth.
Delicately brush his earlobes with your lips, even pulling playfully. Flick
your tongue over the contours and dips of his face. Drag a flat tongue over his
neck and feel your hot breath behind it. Do what feels good to your tongue—
lead with it. Nibble on his neck. Notice all the sensations. Feel how your
tongue loves sensation. Lick some skin with a soft, flat tongue and then an
erect tongue. Follow by blowing a stream of cool air.
 Use your lips and tongue to massage your partner with awareness and joy.
Discover how each square inch of your lover is a unique sensation to your
mouth. Explore his eyelashes, earlobes, whiskers, nipples, penis, inner thighs,
back of knees, toes, and fingers.
After the shower, take turns patting each other dry. Feel the heat of your
bodies. Pamper each other with lotions and hair combing. End the ritual by
finding your voice again and sharing one appreciation that each of you takes
from the experience.
“I felt so cherished. I’ll never forget our shower together; it felt so
intimate and sacred. I went from making animal sounds and laughing to
being spellbound by his gaze and caring touch.”

—Ashley, 28


Use your lips and tongue to massage your partner with awareness
and joy. Discover how each square inch of your lover brings a unique
sensation to your mouth.


Let the layers of the day fall graciously away and radiate in your
true essence.

“Once a month my husband will surprise me—I never know when—
by giving me what I now refer to as my ‘sacred bath.’ I’ll come home
from work and the bathroom will be filled with candles and flowers, the
bathtub will be filled with bubbles, and he’ll undress me and put me into
the tub. He then massages my shoulders, my chest, my feet—wherever I
want him to. Sometimes we make love afterward, sometimes not, but it is
not about that. It’s about his honoring me and my body, and I always feel
like a queen during this loving and sensual act.”

—Kara, 36

BATH AND MASSAGE CEREMONY

Honor your beloved with a timeless and euphoric bath and massage
ceremony, one of the most fulfilling of all erotic encounters. This ancient
ritual carries us back to the womb and resonates within us a primordial chord
of deep pleasure and peace. Bathing a beloved is a humble and sacred act.
Plan an entire evening for this reverent ritual, which will open both your heart
and your lover’s, healing, nourishing, and rejuvenating you.

PREPARE FOR YOUR PRINCESS

Invite your lover (in this case, the woman) to a night of sexual ecstasy. Give
her a handwritten invitation or buy an erotic card. Enclose a feather. Dare to
make the date for sometime in the future, and leave a couple of breathy voice
messages or other hints of your passion in her path. Write or find a poem or
prayer to express your reverence for her and buy her a gift (perhaps flowers)
for the ceremony.
You, as prince of pleasure, prepare the bath and massage room with
candles, incense, and her favorite music, and have wine or champagne on
hand. Have a warm robe for your princess, two bath towels, a hand towel, a
bath pillow, scented oils, a plastic pitcher, a large sponge, bath salts, and
bubbles. You may want a pillow for yourself for kneeling or sitting beside the
tub. Before she arrives, have the candles lit and the music playing. Pace
yourself so you feel unhurried and centered. Dressed in a robe, greet her as
you would a goddess.

CREATE SACRED SPACE TOGETHER

See the spark of the divine in her eyes. Kiss her hand and seat her on pillows
in your sacred space. After a heart salutation, set the tone for your ceremony
by purifying the space.
The following steps outline how to create sacred space.
1. Clear away negative fears.
Clear away negative fears and doubts by offering something you’re
willing to let go. For example, “I let go of my worries from the day,”
or, “I rid myself of expectations for the ceremony,” or, “I expel my
fear that I’m not worthy of this honoring.” Both of you share your
doubts until they are all articulated. The mere mention of fears
somewhat diminishes or disarms them. Allow the ritual to perform its
magic.
2. Offer positive affirmations.
Now you and your beloved offer positive affirmations to fill the space
previously occupied by negativity. Take turns establishing positive
 energies with statements such as, “I call in compassion, truth, love,”
etc., or, “I invite in my playful self,” or, “I call in nurturing energies.”
Name positive attributes to sanctify your space; conduct the ceremony
in the style of a shaman.
3. Share your intention.
Once you have cleared away mental obstacles and called in positive
energy to shape the ritual, soul gaze into each other’s eyes, breathing
together for several minutes. Share your personal intention for this
ancient ritual. Give her your gift and read her a poem.
Tell her you won’t be talking much during the bath and massage ritual, so
you both can rest calmly in the ecstasy of the moment, tuning the mind in to
the sensual body. Invite your partner to surrender to her own pleasure, as you
will be doing the same. Start filling the tub and keep a mental note (or timer)
to turn off the water after the disrobing ritual.

DISROBE YOUR PRINCESS

In a seamless, slow-motion dance, take off her clothes. Let the layers of the
outside world fall away as her true essence emerges. Draw out this seductive
dance, flirting, and teasing. Slide the sleeve of a silky blouse up and down her
arm and float it over her body.
Drape a warm robe around her shoulders and lead her to the bath chamber.
Check the water temperature and help her step into the bubbly water. Position
her deep in the tub (standard-sized bathtubs work just fine) with an inflatable
bath pillow beneath her back and place a folded towel beneath her head. Wet
the hand towel in the water and draw it up seductively between her legs to rest
on her breasts and abdomen for added warmth. Hand her a glass of
champagne.

BATHING HER

Once she’s in the tub, make an energetic connection by gazing and breathing
with your hands on her heart. Pick up the foot nearer you, nestle it in your
arms, and wash, massage, and suck her toes. After five minutes on her foot,
begin working up the leg, rubbing in fragrant salts, kissing her all over, and
rinsing her off with a sponge or pitcher of water.
Reach for the other foot and serve your woman as if she were Queen of the
Nile. Every few minutes, reimmerse the hand towel on her chest in hot water
and pull it up over the genitals to rewarm her chest. Help her sip some
champagne. Move to the arms. You are putting together everything you have
practiced—arm and shoulder massage, a hand caress, and oral massage. Loll
your tongue around the contours of her hand and fingers; feel the pleasurable
sensations fill your mouth. Trust your own pleasure to guide you to the next
stroke. Lick the inside elbow crease of her arm. Massage the tension of the
day from her shoulders. Encourage her deep breathing by staying centered in
your breathing.

Trust your own pleasure to guide you to the next stroke in a seamless,
 slow-motion dance.

Anoint Her with Scented Oils
Scented oils are an additional way to enhance the smell and feel of the skin. I
recommend ylang-ylang, sandalwood, lavender, rose, and citrus oils. These
exotic scents help awaken the sexual centers. Place a little oil on your
fingertip, and touch her under her nose to leave a trace. When massaging her
breast, stimulate her olfactory sense with rose oil. You may wish to anoint
each breast with rose oil—the oil of nurturance and love.
When you get to the head, have her inhale lavender oil, and anoint her
middle forehead with this precious oil of peace and serenity. Anoint as if you
were a king, and perhaps give her a spontaneous blessing. Our sense of smell
is the most primitive of our senses, and it awakens deep memories and
passions.
Bless Her Breasts and Genitals
Wash the scented oils from your hands and ask for permission to touch her
intimate parts. Slip a bar of soap over her curves and between her legs. Lift
her pelvis partway out of the water, if possible, for more play. Keep soap and
scented oils out of the vagina and save internal massage for later. Slip your
fingers down the inner lips and massage the perineum with a couple of flat
fingers. Circle the clitoris and vaginal opening with light and teasing fingers
and slippery soap.
Melted Love in Your Hands
Bathe your partner’s back and neck by sitting her up and bending her forward
slightly. End with a gentle face caress and a head massage. After bathing her
for about forty minutes, gently help her step out of the tub. Dry her off with a
towel and dress her in a robe. Escort her to the room in which you will
continue her full body massage. A long, hot bath turns your lover into a baby;
she’s putty in your arms for the massage.
Letting one stroke lead into another in a continuous fluid dance, massage
her back side, then front side, then ask for permission to honor her genitals.
Twenty to thirty minutes works well for each segment. After you’ve
completed the massage, continue erotic play if both of you desire, sip wine,
plan time to spoon together, or just fall asleep.
Heaven for Him

For a man, receiving a perineum massage in a hot bath is heaven. Pull
 up on the scrotum and with a fist, press into the perineum. Men often
think they need to be hard if a woman is touching them, but women relate
to a man’s vulnerability and enjoy his many stages of arousal. A woman
connects with a man when he can relax about being soft, medium-hard,
or hard. When he lets go of pressuring himself, he can enjoy subtle
arousal ripples. Accept the situation and be present in the moment.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB, TWO IN THE TUB

A fun variation is to take turns bathing each other while sharing a bath.
This mutual play changes the character of the bath ritual. The bath
becomes less nurturing for the receiver and more playful and erotic.

A long, hot bath turns your lover into a baby; he’ll be putty in your
arms for the massage.

 chapter EIGHT
KISSING, ORAL SEX, AND INTERCOURSE

TENDER KISSES

One of the surest ways you can tell if you want to go further with a partner is
to test the waters with kissing. If a man or a woman is too eager, and rushes
past the subtle and whispery beginnings, you need to slow the pace.
Immediate hard and wet mouth mauling misses the point. Discovery by
tongue is a tender, playful journey.
Start out slowly and leisurely with your kissing. How lightly can you kiss?
With a relaxed, soft mouth, graze over his cheeks and facial features by barely
touching the skin. Trace the eyebrows with soft lips. Tenderly kiss the tip of
his nose and the corners of his lips. The mouth, not your hand, becomes the
sensate-focus tool.
Breathe lightly into an ear and lick its contour. The mouth is so sensitive
that less is often more. Your lips and tongue are exploring and discovering
each nook and mound. Your attitude is inquisitive—playing a new game with
each kiss. Once you reach his mouth, kiss lightly without your tongue at first.
THE KISSING GAME

At one time in my life, I had the most wonderful kisser for a boyfriend, so I
was surprised when after time I got bored with our kissing. Then I discovered
why. He was always kissing me (active) and I was always receiving his
gestures. As soon as I realized I needed to be more active in this game, things
cooked up. Instead of the predictable “his way,” we began to share the lead.
Culturally, women are shy to lead, but men love it. They really want to please
us and are thankful when we show them how.
Here’s a nonverbal kissing game to try with your partner. Take turns being
the active kisser and the receiver of kisses, or “kissee.” When you are the
kissee, offer a soft, slightly open mouth for the kisser’s exploration and do not
react by moving. Close your eyes and tune in to your sensations. Breathe.
When you are the kisser, find new ways to explore the sensations of your
mouth and tongue for your pleasure on your lover’s face and body. Tune in to
your sensations and breathe. Decide on a time frame, such as ten minutes,
then switch roles. Afterward, talk about what you liked most about your
partner’s kisses.

With a relaxed, soft mouth, delicately graze your lips over his cheeks
 and face.

One of the surest routes to a woman’s orgasm is through oral sex.

SPECIAL KISSES

For variety, try some fruity kisses. Blindfold your partner and have slices of
fresh fruit to share with him when you are the active one in the kissing game.
Rub his lips with pineapple, running the cool, textured sweetness over his
lips. Lick the juice off his lips. Tease a raspberry onto his tongue. Loll it
gently around with your tongue. Bite into a slice of mango and feather it into
his mouth. Share in the juices. Switch roles.
Another oral delight is body tasting, where you apply your favorite food to
your lover’s body only to be licked off by you. Whipped cream, honey, and
chocolate sauce are some favorites. Savor the flavors mixed with your lover’s
essence. Take turns and take your time. Do not place any food in the vagina,
and leave time for a sensual shower afterward. Perhaps an old sheet and
kitchen table would be ideal for your feast.

ORAL SEX

An unfortunate myth of our time is that a penis-in-the vagina sex is sufficient
stimulation to bring a woman to orgasm. However, rarely is intercourse alone
enough stimulation of the clitoris to bring a woman to climax. When a man
becomes skillful at oral pleasuring techniques, he becomes her hero.

CUNNILINGUS

Make sure you are in a comfortable position for cunnilingus, and project to
your woman the honest feeling that you want to be there—for as long as she
will allow you. If you lick and suck her for the pleasure it brings you, she will
sense it and allow you to play down there. If she feels you are trying to make
her come, she’ll feel pressured and worry that she is too slow, which
suppresses her orgasm. If you stay with what gives you real delight, she is
free to feel her own enjoyment. Don’t make orgasm your goal. Remember,
orgasm is something we allow ourselves, it is not something we “give” to
another person. So relax, enjoy the ride, and she will, too.
Play with a delicate, soft, wet tongue, varying the rhythm and the pressure.
Lap the area with a flat, broad tongue. Circle the clitoris with a wet tongue,
enclose it with your mouth, and suck on it with little kisses. Once you’ve
lubricated the clitoris, slide your tongue slowly down to the opening of the
vagina and, using an erect tongue, probe the opening.
Pleasure Blocks

Be aware of blocks that hinder some women from enjoying oral sex. She
may fear that her genitals are ugly, or that they don’t smell good, or that
it will take her too long to orgasm. Be sure to compliment your woman
on how beautiful you find her vagina, describing its beauty as an orchid
flower, for example. Genital juices for both men and women are an
acquired taste. Take a shower together before oral sex if her unique scent
isn’t pleasing to you. After a few tongue explorations, tell her how sweet
she tastes.

 Sexual Bonding

While spooning with your partner, insert a soft or hard penis into the
vagina and stay connected in stillness without moving for twenty
minutes. Feel the sexual ripples appear and disappear. Tune in to the
breath, whole-body peace, and the subtle joy of no pressure to perform.
You might even try falling asleep connected.

Ascent to Orgasm
When the vagina is relaxed and silky, slide one or two fingers inside. Hold
still at first, as the energy from penetration is intense, then move your
finger(s) slowly back and forth. Keep playing with her clitoris with your
mouth. To give your jaw a rest, you can alternate between oral sex and using
your hand in the vagina. Move your hand slowly and press your finger(s)
toward the ceiling of her vagina. Gently rub the G-spot in a come-hither
gesture, while still paying frequent oral attention to the clitoris.
On her ascent to orgasm, don’t become overzealous. Her sighs most likely
signal that what you’re doing is just right, not that she needs more. Maintain
your consistency and steadiness without speeding up or changing stimulation,
which can throw her off. After orgasm, both men and women become
hypersensitive, so lighten the touch, staying with her and discerning whether
or not she would like to go for another orgasm.

FELLATIO

When a man shows up for a woman, caresses her with his attention, and
consciously connects with her from his heart space, she wants to take more of
him inside her. When a man adores a woman, touches her unhurriedly, has
good oral and manual skills, uses lube on her clitoris, and can ask how she
likes to be touched, she adores him. A man who knows the value of slow
penetration (with eyes, fingers, or penis), can talk about sex, and explores
ways to make it better, can cuddle in the afterglow of closeness, is rewarded
by a turned-on woman who wants to go down on him.
There is no one right way to orally pleasure your man. Do what pleases you
for as long as it pleases you, then find something else to do. You don’t have to
swallow ejaculate or even bring him to climax. You suck his penis because it
feels good to your tongue and the sucking motion makes you also feel juicy,
sexy, and turned on. No contract to fulfill here, no prescribed outcome, just
play. You’re in charge.
Enjoy the different sensations of the shaft and the head of the penis, and
include his scrotum and nipples if you like. To give your mouth a rest,
alternate between mouth and hand stimulation. Try combining hand and
mouth massage for a different sensation. With one hand holding the base of
the penis, pull the skin taut at the head, which increases sensation, then play
with the head in your mouth. Tell him how good he tastes and how beautiful
he is.

When men show up for women and connect with them from the heart,
women offer them a world of pleasure.

“When I finally started going down on my boyfriend with my
pleasure in mind, something snapped. I became free and loved it. Now I
 design the show for me and he loves it. Each time is different because my
expectations are gone.”

—Claire, 27

INTERCOURSE: ANOTHER WAY TO TOUCH

Intercourse is simply another form of touching. Because we have elevated it
to the ultimate experience, and rush down a direct path to its door, we often
forget to relish the experiences along the way. The caresses and massages in
this book are the sensual experiences that make intercourse desirable, and I
hope they have already changed your approach to it.
The play so prevalent and exciting to us as teenagers often vanishes for us
when we become adults. Sexuality was magical in our adolescent years when
we wandered aimlessly into pleasure, but as adults it became serious and
focused.
Generally, men tend to direct sex play with goal-oriented results in mind—
intercourse and ejaculation. Women, naturally indirect and meandering in
their approach, have not committed to initiating and directing sexual
encounters to fit their needs. When women commit to co-create as equal
consorts in the game of lovemaking, everything changes.
This book is about trusting the dance between equals. By taking turns
giving and receiving, we harmonize the male and the female within each of
us. Unless you have skipped directly to this chapter, the book’s exercises have
probably transformed the way you make love. By including the whole body in
touch, touching with more skill and less expectation, practicing deep
breathing and presence, you restore balance and authenticity in your sex life.

THE WOMAN ACTIVE

After you have massaged and caressed for some time, lay him on his back and
straddle his pelvis with your hips. The woman on top gives you control of the
timing, rhythm, depth and range of motion. He is “being done” and will not
“take over.” Although men often feel they need to be in the driver’s seat after
a while, remind him to lie back and enjoy the ride.
 When you feel ready, lubricate his penis (flaccid or hard) and massage your
vulva with it. Gaze into each other’s eyes and connect in the breath. Guide his
penis into your lips and vagina, holding him in with your PC muscle or
nestling him between your vaginal lips. With your other hand, stroke his
chest, shoulders, hips, and thighs. Move however the spirit moves you. Lift
up, circle, and gyrate your hips in a slow, undulating dance. There is no right
way to do intercourse. He doesn’t need to be hard, and intercourse doesn’t
have to end in orgasm. If you want to stimulate your clitoris with your own
hand, do it. If you want to use a vibrator between you and your partner, do it.
Orgasming together is no more right than orgasming at different times, or not
at all. Ending intercourse without orgasm doesn’t mean you have a low libido,
it means you are present and respectful of your desires.
Orgasm is a personal experience in a sea of togetherness. While the ascent
to orgasm is supported by your partner, it is essentially an individual
experience. It is natural to feel separate or self-absorbed at the moment of
climax.
Saying Yes and Saying No for Women

Intercourse as obligation, a bargaining chip, or even to save a
relationship, creates distance and numbs the body. Being true to your
desires, on the other hand, is invigorating. Pleasure, not pretending, is
what’s important. Being able to say no is an integral part of building
trust and intimacy in a relationship.
Conversely, sometimes women have a hard time saying yes when they
want something (or taking the lead in sex). Women are often afraid of
seeming too wanton, sluttish, or morally loose. However, a big turnon
for a man is being with a turned-on woman. Nothing is hotter than a
woman taking control of her pleasure. Being able to clearly say no and
yes is a gift to yourself, your partner, and your passions.

THE MAN ACTIVE

After a quality whole body massage, leisurely stroke the woman’s entire
vulva using massage oil. Don’t focus on the clitoris yet. You’re letting desire
build slowly, not trying to get her hot. Shift to oral sex by rolling your tongue
over the clitoris and moistening the vaginal opening.
 After at least five minutes on the clitoris, press the pad of your finger over
the vagina to check for wetness; if she feels dry, add lubrication. Be a tease,
step up, step back. The most sensitive part of the vagina is the opening; spend
time there, circling it with your fingers. Slowly ease one finger into the
vagina, bit by bit. Do you feel suction or friction? Play around till you feel her
“pulling you in.” Add a second finger to prepare her for the girth of your
penis.
Position yourself to penetrate her vagina while you continue to manually
stimulate her clitoris. While nudging the head of your penis ever so slightly
against the dip at the opening of her vagina, ask her to squeeze and release her
PC muscle, which helps relax the vaginal muscles. Move inside little by little.
Rarely are women penetrated slowly and sensuously enough to create deep
pleasure. The mushroom head of your penis is perfect for massaging the G-
spot through slow, seamless, shallow penetration.
Be aware of your conditioning to think it is your responsibility to give her
an orgasm. If your self-esteem hinges on her orgasm, she will feel the
pressure. Better to encourage her to enjoy each moment for its own wonder.
“My husband and I were in a sexual rut—no foreplay and straight to
sex, and not lasting very long at it before he climaxed. I decided to take
matters into my own hands. I began to flirt with him, get him hot with my
words, and play with him sexually to my heart’s desire—always stopping
short of letting him come. I felt his attention and desire for me build and
mine for him, too. These teasing turnon sessions without intercourse (by
my design!) made for explosive sex when we were both ready. The
randomness of intercourse increased the quality of his attention to me. I
began receiving flowers and jewelry. A new interest and sweetness
marked our marriage.”

—Veronica, 37


 chapter NINE
COMING TO STILLNESS

Why do we need to touch another human being? Why do we long so much to
be touched? Why do we open our most vulnerable selves again and again to
be penetrated by and joined with another? Why do we want so desperately to
lose our sense of separateness and dissolve into the cosmic whole? What is it
about our sexual life-force energy that leads us back to ourselves and our
innermost knowing?
Erotic trance, the pleasurable and timeless suspension of ordinary life,
connects us temporarily to something larger than ourselves. Beyond the ego’s
struggle to know and control is the bliss of surrender and the rapture of losing
oneself in the universal flow. When connected to a partner through presence
and touch, we become one. Many try to achieve this bliss of oneness with
drugs or meditation.
Our bodies are designed to vibrate with ecstatic wonderment. Through
conscious breath and touch, we can help a partner access altered states of bliss
over and over. Each time we visit an ecstatic state, our journey is expanded.
We are not accustomed to using the body as a vehicle for spiritual awe and
appreciation. On the contrary, we have mistrusted and degraded it. But we are
relearning how to use the body’s innate wisdom as a pathway to the divine.
We are awakening out of ignorance and shame and embracing the sensual
and sexual as a path to spiritual abundance. Conscious embodiment,
awareness of life through our bodily senses, is our highest intelligence.
Through the practice of ecstatic embodiment (the exercises in this book), we
stumble upon our deepest knowing. Erotic trance, a sensual state of high and
prolonged arousal, teaches us what it means to be truly alive.
A great teacher of mine, Joseph Kramer, who has taught erotic massage for
decades, says you need only two things to help a partner experience altered
states of cosmic being—deep breathing combined with good touching. The
recipe for ecstasy is so simple we almost miss it. This is our birthright. This is
why we are here on earth. We are here to touch one another.
We are such brief visitors in the body. Our lives are timed; our breaths are
numbered—so why not take a deep one? I used to think being a good lover
was about what I did to someone else—such as giving a good blow job. But
what I’ve come to realize is that being good in bed is not about doing but
about being. It’s not about my partner, it’s about me. How much can I let go?
How much can I surrender?
We are all responsible for our own ecstasy. And, at the same time, we are
one another’s angels. We are here to touch one another from the heart so we
may finally know ourselves. We embody all the joy and love of the universe
with each breath and each touch. Through the awakening of the senses we
learn what it means to be alive.
RESOURCES

Resources for enhancing your erotic pleasure.

POSITIVE SEXUALITY WEB SITES

Society for Human Sexuality
(www.sexuality.org)—Great sex-positive information on all aspects of human
sexuality.
Scarleteen: Sex Education for the Real World
(www.scarleteen.com)—Information about teen sexuality, communicated
through an upbeat and caring attitude.
Sexological Bodywork
(www.sexologicalbodywork.com)—Provides a directory of certified erotic
bodyworkers and educators, as well as certified courses and training.
Body Electric School
(www.bodyelectric.org)—Hands-on erotic education classes for men, women,
and couples.
Good Vibrations
(www.goodvibes.com)—Informative female-run cooperative selling sexual
toys, books, and videos.
San Francisco Sex Information
(www.sfsi.org)—Provides free, non-judgmental, accurate sex information.
The New School of Erotic Touch
(www.eroticmassage.com)—Connect with others exploring erotic touch.
Learn from over 300 video clips teaching erotic massage, plus classes,
tutorials, and DVDs. More than 20 hours of streaming video education for
your hands and heart—from world class teachers.

DVDS AND VIDEOS


Erotic Massage, The Complete Edition
More than 15 years ago, sex master Kenneth Ray Stubbs produced a
wordless, mesmerizing, follow-along in your home, video on erotic massage.
Never have I seen erotic trance—an altered state of being without the
distraction of interacting with another—so beautifully demonstrated.
Better Sex Video: The Joy of Erotic Massage
The Sinclair Intimacy Institute demonstrates Stubb’s strokes with
instructional commentary while two sensual couples tenderly massage each
other.
The Best of Vulva Massage
Joseph Kramer, sex teacher, has chosen the most astonishing vulva massage
clips ever produced and presents a four-hour collection of vulva wisdom.
Available at www.eroticmassage.com.
Fire on the Mountain
Joseph Kramer’s video nmale genital massage, as demonstrated by gay men,
reveals many terrific massage techniques developed by the Body Electric
Massage School, which he founded.
Evolutionary Masturbation
Through innovative masturbation strokes that awaken self-love, Joseph
Kramer shows men what is erotically possible when they fearlessly explore
their bodies.
Orgasmic Women
Betty Dodson documents thirteen self-loving divas who demystify female
masturbation by sharing their erotic practices and spirited, authentic orgasms.
Ancient Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy
Tantra has never been more beautifully demonstrated and narrated than in this
video of mature, real couples loving one another.

BOOKS

Erotic Passions
Kenneth Ray Stubbs writes a guide to orgasmic massage, sensual bathing,
oral pleasuring, and ancient sexual positions.
Ten Keys to Successful Sexual Partnering
Barnaby B. Barratt guides you in communication with a partner that dissolves
shame and inhibition and ushers joy and authenticity.
Orgasms for Two
For forty years, Betty Dodson has taught women how to become more
orgasmic. Now, she writes about couples and how to have great, luscious
partnersex.
The Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm
Vera and Steve Bodansky write a well-illustrated guide for how to give more
intense and prolonged sexual pleasure, and how to receive it from your
partner.
The Art of Sexual Ecstasy
Margo Anand is the master of bringing sacred sexual traditions of the East
(Tantra) and making them easy and understandable for Western lovers.
Exhibitionism for the Shy
Pleasure activist Carol Queen teaches you how to dress up, show off, and talk
hot for the best time you’ve had yet.
How to Make Love All Night (and Drive a Woman Wild)
Barbara Keesling writes a concise guide for men on how to become multi-
orgasmic with easy partner and solo exercises.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I thank my sister teacher of sexual wellness, Gayle Michaels of Intimate
Wisdom, for her support and friendship in helping me find my calling as an
erotic educator. Joseph Kramer, pioneer who persuaded the state of California
to certify erotic bodyworkers, is my genius teacher. Courses at the Body
Electric School awakened my sexual self-approval and imagination. I’m
pleased to be a colleague of Betty Dodson, mother of meaningful
masturbation. Training with Margo Anand and reading her books have
brought spirit into my sexuality.
As an erotic educator, I am grateful for the friendships that are the lifeblood
of our new profession. Thank you, Juliana Dahl of Sacred Sex Yes!, EveLynn
of Sacred-Haven, Betty Martin of Sacred Exploration, and Shawn Roop of
TantraQuest, and Jade Beaty of Sensual Wisdom. I’ve been inspired by the
work of Carol Queen, founder of the Sex and Culture Center, and Kenneth
Ray Stubbs’s erotic massage books and videos. Adele Kennedy and Susan
Dean, authors of Touch for Pleasure, helped inspire this book.
I thank my parents, Robert and Phyllis, for being the portal of my ecstatic
being and for being pioneers in their own lives. I bow to Mark Palmer, who
has shared partnering, parenting, and sexual awakening with me for many
years. I appreciate my son, Conrad, for believing in his unusual mom. I thank
each and every person who has ever touched me, however consciously or
unconsciously, casually or profoundly, for serving as my reflection and
allowing me to see the love I am becoming.
OTHER HOT BOOKS FROM QUIVER

WET
Erotic Adventures in Water
By Ellen Kate
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-257-1
ISBN-10: 1-59233-257-9
$19.99/£12.99/$25.95 CAN
WET submerges you into new depths of ecstasy. Featuring full-color, highly
artistic and titillating photographs, shot on location in Los Cabos, Mexico, the
book provides readers with suggestions for various aquatic venues and sex
positions, aqueous foreplay and masturbation techniques, methods for
simultaneous orgasms underwater, recommendations for water-friendly sex
toys, as well as sexy games you can play in and under the water.

Women Loving Women
Appreciating and Exploring the Beauty of Erotic Female Encounters
By Jamye Waxman
ISBN-13: 978-159233-258-8
ISBN-10: 1-59233-258-7
$19.99/£12.99/$25.95 CAN
Women Loving Women explores the phenomenon of the contemporary “bi-
sexual” or “lesbian” experience for the heterosexual woman and
simultaneously places this age-old obsession in a historical perspective. The
book also responds to how same-sex encounters might actually spice up a
woman’s heterosexual relationship (as many men fantasize about same-sex
women encounters), break the ice with a best friend, or simply add a new
dimension to one’s sexual history.

Position Sex
50 Wild Sex Positions You Probably Haven’t Tried
By Lola Rawlins
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-238-0
ISBN-10: 1-59233-238-2
$19.99/£12.99/$25.95 CAN
For couples who might be stuck in a one-position nooky rut, Position Sex
instructs couples on how to spice up their sex life and be more adventurous in
the bedroom (or any room, counter, or chair in the house.) The book features
full-color photographs of each hot, new position, as well as slight acrobatic
variations on good old standbys, such as the missionary position.

The Sex Bible
The Complete Guide to Sexual Love
By Susan Crain Bakos
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-227-4
ISBN-10: 1-59233-227-7
$30.00/£19.99/$38.95 CAN
The Sex Bible is an authoritative, comprehensive, and beautifully
photographed sex resource that provides in-depth treatment of sexual topics in
frank detail. The book is arranged into different sections, including
“Foreplay,” “Sex Toys,” and “Oral Sex.” It explores sexual subjects you are
either familiar with, or until now, never even knew existed. Couples will be
captivated by personal anecdotes interspersed throughout. Illustrated with
full-color photography, The Sex Bible will not only educate couples, but also
it will help heighten sexual enjoyment.

The Art of the Quickie
Fast Sex, Fast Orgasm, Anytime, Anywhere
By Joel D. Block, Ph.D.
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-240-3
ISBN-10: 1-59233-240-4
$19.99/£12.99/$25.95 CAN
The Art of the Quickie will coach readers how to have quick, but rewarding
sex. Quickies can be even more fulfilling as those long sessions because the
thrill involved in having sex unexpectedly or in forbidden locations adds a
potent element of excitement. But what about women, is the quickie fair to
them? The Art of the Quickie features definitive guidelines for women to
experience faster orgasms—in 5 minutes!—thereby relieving men of the
performance anxiety that often accompanies the responsibility of bringing
their partners to orgasm.

Luxurious Loving
Tantric Inspirations for Passion and Pleasure
By Barbara Carrellas
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-237-3
ISBN-10: 1-59233-237-4
$19.99/£12.99/$25.95 CAN
Luxurious Loving teaches couples new, fun, and exiting ways to reincorporate
erotic and sensual techniques to their lovemaking sessions. Examining ancient
sexual practices and philosophies, such as Tantra and the Kama Sutra, as well
as modern sexual conventions, Luxurious Loving instructs readers on how to
explore each other’s bodies through sensual head-to-toe touching, kissing,
erotic massage, oral sex, masturbation, and numerous other playful turn-ons.
WWW.QUIVERBOOKS.COM
Text and photography © 2007 by Quiver
First published in the USA in 2007 by
Quiver, a member of
Quayside Publishing Group
33 Commercial Street
Gloucester, MA 01930
www.quiverbooks.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized, in any
form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without prior permission in
writing from the publisher.
The publisher maintains the records relating to images in this book required
by 18 USC 2257, which are located at Rockport Publishers, Inc., 33
Commercial Street, Gloucester, MA 01930.
11 10 09 08 07 1 2 3 4 5
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-260-1
ISBN-10: 1-59233-260-9
eISBN-13: 978-1-61673-568-5
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hathaway, Charla.
Erotic massage : sensual touch for deep pleasure and extended arousal /
Charla Hathaway.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-260-1
ISBN-10: 1-59233-260-9
1. Sex instruction. 2. Massage. I. Title.
HQ31.H38 2007
613.9’6—dc22
2006101421

Cover design by Michael Brock
Book design by Holtz Design
Photography by Allan Penn Photography
Author photo by Wade H. B. Matthews, Jr.
Printed and bound in Singapore