FRIENDS – PILOT EPISODE and tied it around my neck.# boat.# This really gorgeous gravy boat.

When all of a sudden I realize... Sweet 'N

So no one told you life was going to be this PHOEBE: Cookie? Low? I realized... I was more turned on by
way this gravy boat than by Barry. And then I
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love MONICA: Carol just moved out today. Let really freaked out# when it hit me*: How
life's DOA# me get you some coffee.# much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. I
It's like you're always stuck in second gear# always knew he looked familiar, but...I had
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, ROSS: Thanks. to get out of there, and I started
your month, or even your year No, don't! Stop cleansing* my aura. wondering*... "Why am I doing this?" and
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain Just leave my aura alone, okay? "Who am I doing this for?" I didn't know
starts to pour* Fine. I'll be fine. where to go, and I know you and I have
I'll be there for you, like I've been there I hope she'll be very happy. drifted apart*... but you're the only person I
before knew who lived here in the city...
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for JOEY: No, you don't.
me too MONICA: who wasn't invited to the
ROSS: To hell with her.# She left me! wedding.
1.a.
MONICA: There's nothing to tell. JOEY: And you never knew she was a RACHEL: I was kind of hoping that
It's just some guy I work with. lesbian? wouldn't be an issue.#

JOEY: You're going out with a guy. ROSS: No, okay? Why does everyone keep 2.
There's gotta be something wrong with him. fixating on that? MONICA: I guess he bought her the pipe
So does he have a hump and a hair piece?# She didn't know. How should I know?* organ... and she's really not happy about it.

PHOEBE: Wait. Does he eat chalk?* CHANDLER: Sometimes I wish I was a RACHEL: Daddy, I just... I can't marry
I don't want her to go through what I did lesbian. him. I'm sorry. I just don't love him... Well,
with Carl.* Did I say that out loud? it matters to me!

MONICA: Okay, everybody relax. This is JOEY: Look, you're feeling a lot of pain JOEY: She should not be wearing those
not even a date. It's just two people going right now. You're angry. You're hurting. pants.*
out to dinner and not having sex. Can I tell you what the answer is? I say push her down the stairs!*
Strip joints!*
JOEY: Sounds like a date to me. Come on, you're single*. Have some RACHEL: Come on, Daddy, listen! All my
hormones. life, everyone's always told me,"You're a
CHANDLER: I'm in high school, in the shoe!" I stopped and said, "What if I don't
middle of the cafeteria... ROSS: See, but I don't want to be single, wanna be a shoe?" "What if I want to be a
and I realize I'm totally naked. okay? purse?"*
I just want to be married again. "Or a hat?" I don't want you to buy me a
JOEY: I've had that dream. hat,
CHANDLER: And I just want a million I... It's a metaphor, Daddy!
CHANDLER: Then I look down and I dollars!
realize there is a phone......there. ROSS: You can see where he'd had trouble.
RACHEL: Oh, God, MONICA! Hi! Thank
JOEY: Instead of... God! RACHEL: Look, Daddy, it's my life. Well,
I went to your building and maybe I'll just stay
CHANDLER: That's right! this guy with a big hammer# said... here with MONICA.
that you might be here and you are.
JOEY: That one, I've never had. PHOEBE: I guess we've established she's
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? staying with MONICA.
CHANDLER: All of a sudden, the phone
starts to ring... MONICA: Decaf. Everybody, this is RACHEL: Well, maybe that's my
And it turns out# it's my mother. RACHEL,another Lincoln High survivor.* decision.Well, maybe I don't need your
Which is very, very weird* because she This is everybody. CHANDLER and money. Wait! Wait! I said maybe!
never calls me. PHOEBE...and JOEY.
And remember my brother, ROSS? MONICA: Just breathe*. Breathe, that's it.
1.b Just try to think of nice, calm things.
ROSS: Hi RACHEL: Sure!
PHOEBE: ​“​Raindrops on roses
JOEY: This guy says, "Hello", I wanna kill MONICA: You want to tell us now, And whiskers on kittens
myself. or are we waiting for four wet Doorbells and sleigh bells
bridesmaids?* And something with mittens
MONICA: You okay, sweetie?* La la la something with string"#
RACHEL: Oh, God! Well, it started about a
ROSS: I feel like someone reached down half-hour before the wedding.I was in this RACHEL: I'm all better now.
my throat, grabbed my small intestine, room where they were keeping all the
pulled it out of my mouth... presents... and I was looking at this gravy
PHOEBE: I helped.
RACHEL:​ ​I was supposed to be headed for PAUL: Well, you might try accidentally
ROSS: This is probably for the best, you Aruba on my honeymoon#... breaking
know? Independence. so, nothing. something valuable of hers. Say her...
Taking control of your life.
ROSS: Right. You're not even getting your MONICA: Leg?
JOEY: If you need anything, you can honeymoon. Although, Aruba. This time of
always come to JOEY. Me and year? Talk about your... big lizards#. PAUL: That's one way of going through it.*
CHANDLER live acROSS the hall. And Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone Me, I went for the watch.
he's away a lot. tonight... JOEY and CHANDLER are
coming over to help me put together my MONICA: You actually broke her watch?
MONICA: JOEY, stop hitting on her!# It's new furniture.*
her wedding day. 5.
CHANDLER: And we're very excited about RACHEL: Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
JOEY: What? Like there's a rule or it. You probably think it's about making love
something? with your socks on,# but it isn't. It's about
RACHEL: Thanks. But I'm just gonna hang me.
ROSS: Please don't do that again. out here.* And I just...Hi, machine cut me off* again.
It's a horrible sound. It's PAUL. It's been a long day.
6.
MONICA: Oh, God. Is it 6:30? Buzz him ROSS: Okay. Sure. ROSS: You know what's scary?
in.* What if there is only one woman for
JOEY: Pheebs, wanna help?* everybody?
PHOEBE: Who's PAUL? I mean, what if you get one woman, and
PHOEBE: I wish I could, but I don't want that's it?
JOEY: PAUL, the wine guy? to.# Unfortunately, in my case,
there was only one woman for her.
MONICA: Maybe. 3.
ROSS: I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y JOEY: What are you talking about?
ROSS: Wait a minute. Your "not a real thing to the side things...* using a bunch of One woman.
date", is with PAUL, the wine guy? He these little worm guys. I have no bracket-y That's like saying there's only
finally asked you out?* It's a "Dear Diary" thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever*... one flavor# of ice cream for you.
moment. and I cannot feel my legs. Let me tell you something.
There's lots of flavors out there.
MONICA: Rach, I can cancel. JOEY: Which goes where? Rocky road, and cookie dough,*
and binge cherry vanilla.*
RACHEL: Oh, God. Please, no.Go, I'll be CHANDLER: I have no idea. You can get them with jimmies,*
fine. or nuts, or whipped cream.*
JOEY: Done with the bookcase. This is the best thing that
MONICA: ROSS are you okay? Do you ever happened to you!
want me to stay? ROSS: This was Carol's favorite beer. You got married. You were
She always drank it out of the can.I should like, what? Eight?
ROSS: That'd be good. have known.# Welcome back to the world.
Grab a spoon!
MONICA: Really? JOEY: Let me ask you a question. She got
the furniture, ROSS: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry
ROSS: No, go on! It's PAUL, the wine guy! the stereo, the good TV. What did you get? or horny.
Does he sell it, drink it,
or he just complains a lot? ROSS: You guys. CHANDLER: Then stay out of my freezer.

MONICA: Hi, come in! PAUL, this is... JOEY: You got screwed. 7.
...everybody. Everybody, this is PAUL. PAUL: Ever since she walked out on me*,
- The wine guy. CHANDLER: Oh, my God. I.
CHANDLER: - I didn't catch your name*. 4. MONICA: What? What?
PAUL? Was it? MONICA: Oh, my God.
PAUL: You wanna spell it out with
MONICA: I'll be right back.I've just got to PAUL: I know. I'm such an idiot. noodles?
go to...change. I should've caught on when she went to the It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.
Sit down. Two seconds. dentist four and five times a week. I mean, So there's going to be a fifth date?
how clean can teeth get? Isn't there?
PHOEBE: I just pulled out four eyelashes.#
That can't be good. MONICA: My brother's going through that. MONICA: Yeah, yeah. I think there is.
He's a mess.# What were you going to say?
ROSS: RACHEL, what are you up to How did you get through it?*
tonight?
PAUL: Ever since she left me... JOEY: Well, if hat wasn't a real date. MONICA: How do you do that?
...I haven't been able to perform... What the hell do you do on a real date?
sexually.# Franny: So, who?
MONICA: Shut up and put my table back.
MONICA: Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm so sorry. MONICA: You know PAUL?
Being spit on* is probably CHANDLER: I've got to get to work.
not what you need right now. How long? If I don't input those numbers, Franny: PAUL, the wine guy? Yeah, I know
it doesn't make much of a difference. PAUL.
PAUL: Two years.
RACHEL: So, like, you guys all have jobs? MONICA: You mean, you know PAUL
MONICA: I'm glad you smashed* her Yeah, we all have jobs. like I know PAUL?
watch. FANNY: Are you kidding? I take credit for
MONICA: That's how we buy stuff.# PAUL. Before me, there was no snap in his
PAUL: So you still think you might want turtle for two years.
that fifth date? JOEY: Yeah, I'm an actor.
12.
MONICA: Yeah, I do. RACHEL: Have I seen you in anything? JOEY: Of course it was a line.#

8. JOEY: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. MONICA: Why? Why would anybody do
TV on: We are gathered here to join something like that?
together... ... Joanie Louise Cunningham... CHANDLER: Unless you happen to catch
... and Charles Chachi, ... in the bonds of the Wee One's production of "Pinocchio". ROSS: We're looking for an answer more
holy matrimony. "Look, Geppeto. I'm a real live boy." sophisticated than...
..."To get you into bed."#
RACHEL: See! But Joanie loved Chachi. JOEY: I will not take this abuse.
That's the difference. MONICA: I hate men. I hate men!
CHANDLER: You're right. I'm sorry. Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of
9. “​Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden beacon that only dogs... and men with
"Grab a spoon." boy!” emotional problems can hear?

ROSS: Do you know how long it's been MONICA: How are you doing today? You PHOEBE: Come here. Give me your feet.
since I grabbed a spoon? sleep okay?
Do the words, "Billy, don't be a hero",mean Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. MONICA: I just thought he was nice, you
anything to you? know?
You know, here's the thing. RACHEL: I see that. You look like you
Even if I could get it together enough#... to slept with a hanger in your mouth.# JOEY: I can't believe you didn't know it
ask a woman out... ...who am I going to was a line.
ask? MONICA: I know. He's just so...
Remember you and Tony De Marco? RACHEL: Guess what?
Song: If you ever need me, call my name
and I'll be there RACHEL: Of course, CHANDLER: You got a job?

10. MONICA: Well, it's like that... with RACHEL:

RACHEL: Isn't this amazing? feelings. Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing.
I have never made coffee before in my life. I'm going to get up, go to work, I was laughed out of 12 interviews*.
and not think about him all day.
CHANDLER: - That is amazing. Or else I'm just going to get up and go to CHANDLER: You're surprisingly upbeat.#
Congratulations. work.
RACHEL: You would be too if you found
JOEY: Well, while you're on a roll,# RACHEL: Wish me luck!# Joan and David boots on sale... 50% percent
If you feel like you gotta make off.
a Western omelet or something... MONICA: What for?
Although, actually I'm really not that CHANDLER: How well you know me.
hungry. RACHEL: I'm gonna go get one of those
job things. RACHEL: They're my, "I don't need a job
or my parents.
11. I've got great boots", boots.
Everybody: Good morning.
Franny: Hey, MONICA.
MONICA: How did you pay for them?
CHANDLER: Hi. PAUL, is it?
MONICA: Hey, Franny.
RACHEL: Credit card.
PAUL: Thank you.
Welcome back. How was Florida? MONICA: And who pays for that?
MONICA: Thank you so much.
Franny: You had sex, didn't you? RACHEL: My father. Come on, is this
We'll talk later.
necessary?
MONICA: You can't live off your parents.# RACHEL: I knew.

RACHEL: I know that. That's why I was ROSS: You did? I figured
getting you thought I was MONICA's geeky older
married. brother.

MONICA: Give her a break.* RACHEL: I did.

It's hard being on your own* for the first
time. ROSS: Listen,
do you think... And try not to let my
RACHEL: Thank you. vulnerability become any kind of a factor
here. Do you think it would be okay
PHOEBE: You're welcome. When I first if I asked you out sometime, maybe?
came to this city, I was 14. My mom had
killed herself and my stepdad was in prison. RACHEL: Maybe.
And I got here, and I didn't know anybody.
I ended up living with this albino guy who ROSS: Okay, maybe I will.
was cleaning windshields#. And then he
killed himself. Then I found aromatherapy. RACHEL: Good night.
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
ROSS: Good night. See you.
ROSS: The word you're looking for is:
"Anyway..." MONICA: Wait, wait. What's with you?

MONICA: You ready? ROSS: I just grabbed a spoon.

RACHEL: No, I don't think so. 14.

CHANDLER:I can't believe what I'm
Everybody: Come on, Cut, cut, cut. hearing.

MONICA: Welcome to the real world! PHOEBE: I can't believe what I'm hearing
It sucks.# You're gonna love it.
CHANDLER: What? I said you had...
13.
MONICA: That's it. PHOEBE: What? I said you had...
You gonna crash on the couch?#
CHANDLER: Would you stop?
ROSS: No, I gotta go home sometime.
PHOEBE: Was I doing it again?
MONICA: Are you gonna be okay?
RACHEL: Would anybody like more
RACHEL: Look what I just found on the coffee?
floor.
JOEY: Did you make it or you're just
MONICA: What? serving it?

Raquel: That's PAUL's watch. RACHEL: - I'm just serving it.

Everybody: I'll have a cup of coffee.
MONICA: You can just put it back
where you found it. CHANDLER: Kids, new dream. I'm in Las
Oh, boy! All right. Vegas. So I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza
Minnelli.
MONICA: Good night, everybody.
THE END
Both: Good night.

RACHEL: I'm sorry.

ROSS: No!

RACHEL: No, have it, really.

ROSS: Split it? You probably didn't know

this, but back in high school I had... a major
crush on you.*