Friends Pilot Episode
Friends Pilot Episode
Friends Pilot Episode
JOEY: You're going out with a guy. ROSS: No, okay? Why does everyone keep 2.
There's gotta be something wrong with him. fixating on that? MONICA: I guess he bought her the pipe
So does he have a hump and a hair piece?# She didn't know. How should I know?* organ... and she's really not happy about it.
PHOEBE: Wait. Does he eat chalk?* CHANDLER: Sometimes I wish I was a RACHEL: Daddy, I just... I can't marry
I don't want her to go through what I did lesbian. him. I'm sorry. I just don't love him... Well,
with Carl.* Did I say that out loud? it matters to me!
MONICA: Okay, everybody relax. This is JOEY: Look, you're feeling a lot of pain JOEY: She should not be wearing those
not even a date. It's just two people going right now. You're angry. You're hurting. pants.*
out to dinner and not having sex. Can I tell you what the answer is? I say push her down the stairs!*
Strip joints!*
JOEY: Sounds like a date to me. Come on, you're single*. Have some RACHEL: Come on, Daddy, listen! All my
hormones. life, everyone's always told me,"You're a
CHANDLER: I'm in high school, in the shoe!" I stopped and said, "What if I don't
middle of the cafeteria... ROSS: See, but I don't want to be single, wanna be a shoe?" "What if I want to be a
and I realize I'm totally naked. okay? purse?"*
I just want to be married again. "Or a hat?" I don't want you to buy me a
JOEY: I've had that dream. hat,
CHANDLER: And I just want a million I... It's a metaphor, Daddy!
CHANDLER: Then I look down and I dollars!
realize there is a phone......there. ROSS: You can see where he'd had trouble.
RACHEL: Oh, God, MONICA! Hi! Thank
JOEY: Instead of... God! RACHEL: Look, Daddy, it's my life. Well,
I went to your building and maybe I'll just stay
CHANDLER: That's right! this guy with a big hammer# said... here with MONICA.
that you might be here and you are.
JOEY: That one, I've never had. PHOEBE: I guess we've established she's
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? staying with MONICA.
CHANDLER: All of a sudden, the phone
starts to ring... MONICA: Decaf. Everybody, this is RACHEL: Well, maybe that's my
And it turns out# it's my mother. RACHEL,another Lincoln High survivor.* decision.Well, maybe I don't need your
Which is very, very weird* because she This is everybody. CHANDLER and money. Wait! Wait! I said maybe!
never calls me. PHOEBE...and JOEY.
And remember my brother, ROSS? MONICA: Just breathe*. Breathe, that's it.
1.b Just try to think of nice, calm things.
ROSS: Hi RACHEL: Sure!
PHOEBE: “Raindrops on roses
JOEY: This guy says, "Hello", I wanna kill MONICA: You want to tell us now, And whiskers on kittens
myself. or are we waiting for four wet Doorbells and sleigh bells
bridesmaids?* And something with mittens
MONICA: You okay, sweetie?* La la la something with string"#
RACHEL: Oh, God! Well, it started about a
ROSS: I feel like someone reached down half-hour before the wedding.I was in this RACHEL: I'm all better now.
my throat, grabbed my small intestine, room where they were keeping all the
pulled it out of my mouth... presents... and I was looking at this gravy
PHOEBE: I helped.
RACHEL: I was supposed to be headed for PAUL: Well, you might try accidentally
ROSS: This is probably for the best, you Aruba on my honeymoon#... breaking
know? Independence. so, nothing. something valuable of hers. Say her...
Taking control of your life.
ROSS: Right. You're not even getting your MONICA: Leg?
JOEY: If you need anything, you can honeymoon. Although, Aruba. This time of
always come to JOEY. Me and year? Talk about your... big lizards#. PAUL: That's one way of going through it.*
CHANDLER live acROSS the hall. And Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone Me, I went for the watch.
he's away a lot. tonight... JOEY and CHANDLER are
coming over to help me put together my MONICA: You actually broke her watch?
MONICA: JOEY, stop hitting on her!# It's new furniture.*
her wedding day. 5.
CHANDLER: And we're very excited about RACHEL: Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
JOEY: What? Like there's a rule or it. You probably think it's about making love
something? with your socks on,# but it isn't. It's about
RACHEL: Thanks. But I'm just gonna hang me.
ROSS: Please don't do that again. out here.* And I just...Hi, machine cut me off* again.
It's a horrible sound. It's PAUL. It's been a long day.
6.
MONICA: Oh, God. Is it 6:30? Buzz him ROSS: Okay. Sure. ROSS: You know what's scary?
in.* What if there is only one woman for
JOEY: Pheebs, wanna help?* everybody?
PHOEBE: Who's PAUL? I mean, what if you get one woman, and
PHOEBE: I wish I could, but I don't want that's it?
JOEY: PAUL, the wine guy? to.# Unfortunately, in my case,
there was only one woman for her.
MONICA: Maybe. 3.
ROSS: I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y JOEY: What are you talking about?
ROSS: Wait a minute. Your "not a real thing to the side things...* using a bunch of One woman.
date", is with PAUL, the wine guy? He these little worm guys. I have no bracket-y That's like saying there's only
finally asked you out?* It's a "Dear Diary" thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever*... one flavor# of ice cream for you.
moment. and I cannot feel my legs. Let me tell you something.
There's lots of flavors out there.
MONICA: Rach, I can cancel. JOEY: Which goes where? Rocky road, and cookie dough,*
and binge cherry vanilla.*
RACHEL: Oh, God. Please, no.Go, I'll be CHANDLER: I have no idea. You can get them with jimmies,*
fine. or nuts, or whipped cream.*
JOEY: Done with the bookcase. This is the best thing that
MONICA: ROSS are you okay? Do you ever happened to you!
want me to stay? ROSS: This was Carol's favorite beer. You got married. You were
She always drank it out of the can.I should like, what? Eight?
ROSS: That'd be good. have known.# Welcome back to the world.
Grab a spoon!
MONICA: Really? JOEY: Let me ask you a question. She got
the furniture, ROSS: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry
ROSS: No, go on! It's PAUL, the wine guy! the stereo, the good TV. What did you get? or horny.
Does he sell it, drink it,
or he just complains a lot? ROSS: You guys. CHANDLER: Then stay out of my freezer.
MONICA: Hi, come in! PAUL, this is... JOEY: You got screwed. 7.
...everybody. Everybody, this is PAUL. PAUL: Ever since she walked out on me*,
- The wine guy. CHANDLER: Oh, my God. I.
CHANDLER: - I didn't catch your name*. 4. MONICA: What? What?
PAUL? Was it? MONICA: Oh, my God.
PAUL: You wanna spell it out with
MONICA: I'll be right back.I've just got to PAUL: I know. I'm such an idiot. noodles?
go to...change. I should've caught on when she went to the It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.
Sit down. Two seconds. dentist four and five times a week. I mean, So there's going to be a fifth date?
how clean can teeth get? Isn't there?
PHOEBE: I just pulled out four eyelashes.#
That can't be good. MONICA: My brother's going through that. MONICA: Yeah, yeah. I think there is.
He's a mess.# What were you going to say?
ROSS: RACHEL, what are you up to How did you get through it?*
tonight?
PAUL: Ever since she left me... JOEY: Well, if hat wasn't a real date. MONICA: How do you do that?
...I haven't been able to perform... What the hell do you do on a real date?
sexually.# Franny: So, who?
MONICA: Shut up and put my table back.
MONICA: Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm so sorry. MONICA: You know PAUL?
Being spit on* is probably CHANDLER: I've got to get to work.
not what you need right now. How long? If I don't input those numbers, Franny: PAUL, the wine guy? Yeah, I know
it doesn't make much of a difference. PAUL.
PAUL: Two years.
RACHEL: So, like, you guys all have jobs? MONICA: You mean, you know PAUL
MONICA: I'm glad you smashed* her Yeah, we all have jobs. like I know PAUL?
watch. FANNY: Are you kidding? I take credit for
MONICA: That's how we buy stuff.# PAUL. Before me, there was no snap in his
PAUL: So you still think you might want turtle for two years.
that fifth date? JOEY: Yeah, I'm an actor.
12.
MONICA: Yeah, I do. RACHEL: Have I seen you in anything? JOEY: Of course it was a line.#
8. JOEY: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. MONICA: Why? Why would anybody do
TV on: We are gathered here to join something like that?
together... ... Joanie Louise Cunningham... CHANDLER: Unless you happen to catch
... and Charles Chachi, ... in the bonds of the Wee One's production of "Pinocchio". ROSS: We're looking for an answer more
holy matrimony. "Look, Geppeto. I'm a real live boy." sophisticated than...
..."To get you into bed."#
RACHEL: See! But Joanie loved Chachi. JOEY: I will not take this abuse.
That's the difference. MONICA: I hate men. I hate men!
CHANDLER: You're right. I'm sorry. Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of
9. “Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden beacon that only dogs... and men with
"Grab a spoon." boy!” emotional problems can hear?
ROSS: Do you know how long it's been MONICA: How are you doing today? You PHOEBE: Come here. Give me your feet.
since I grabbed a spoon? sleep okay?
Do the words, "Billy, don't be a hero",mean Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. MONICA: I just thought he was nice, you
anything to you? know?
You know, here's the thing. RACHEL: I see that. You look like you
Even if I could get it together enough#... to slept with a hanger in your mouth.# JOEY: I can't believe you didn't know it
ask a woman out... ...who am I going to was a line.
ask? MONICA: I know. He's just so...
Remember you and Tony De Marco? RACHEL: Guess what?
Song: If you ever need me, call my name
and I'll be there RACHEL: Of course, CHANDLER: You got a job?
RACHEL: I know that. That's why I was ROSS: You did? I figured
getting you thought I was MONICA's geeky older
married. brother.
MONICA: Welcome to the real world! PHOEBE: I can't believe what I'm hearing
It sucks.# You're gonna love it.
CHANDLER: What? I said you had...
13.
MONICA: That's it. PHOEBE: What? I said you had...
You gonna crash on the couch?#
CHANDLER: Would you stop?
ROSS: No, I gotta go home sometime.
PHOEBE: Was I doing it again?
MONICA: Are you gonna be okay?
RACHEL: Would anybody like more
RACHEL: Look what I just found on the coffee?
floor.
JOEY: Did you make it or you're just
MONICA: What? serving it?
ROSS: No!