Knights of the TM

No.23
$2.95 USA
$4.50 CAN
Dinner Table

DICE FOLLIES!
 Kingdoms of Kalamar Deluxe Boxed Set
$29.95
In addition to both of the campaign sourcebooks (Mythos of the
Divine and Worldly and Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands), the
Kingdoms of Kalamar boxed set contains two gorgeous 24” x 36”
full color maps depicting the lands of Tellene. These maps are
printed on extra heavy stock and have been recognized as the
finest fantasy maps on the market. A hex grid overlay is
provided to protect these treasures.

Mythos of the Divine and Worldly

This 88 page guidebook painstakingly describes
the 44 deities and religions of Tellene. Volume
II also includes details on Tellene’s major secret
organizations, rune-sets for 11 languages,
constellations, astronomical marvels and an
all-inclusive eight page index. $10.95

Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands

This 100 page tome details the history of the
peoples and nations of Tellene. From the depths of
the mysterious Vohven Jungle to the vast savanna of
the Drhokker horse-lords, this book describes every
kingdom, race and topographical feature of
Kalamar’s world. $11.95

The Kingdoms of
Kalamar
K&C101 Tragedy in the House of Brodeln
$9.95
A 1st-3rd level adventure set in Kalamar, this K&C102 Secret Temple of Adajy $9.95
adventure supplement is made expressly for A mid to high level adventure set in
use with HackMaster, AD&D or any other Kalamar, this adventure supplement is
fantasy RPG. This 56 page adventure made expressly for use with HackMaster,
contains: ImageQuest adventure illustrator, 5 AD&D or any other fantasy RPG. Similar
player aids and handouts, NPC portraits and in style to Tragedy in the House of Brodeln,
backgrounds, a flowchart for a dificult this exciting 72 page adventure contains two
encounter, encounter tables, a full glossary, a complete and distinct dungeon adventures
complete village, a timeline of events, 8 3- in addition to the extras you expect from
Dimensional dungeon maps, and 5 sample Kenzer & Company: the ImageQuest
player characters with complete backgrounds. adventure illustrator, player aids and hand-
outs, NPC portraits and backgrounds,
encounter tables, a full glossary, a city and
K&C201 GameMasters WorkShop $9.95 10 maps.
volume one: Beneath the Waves

Game Master’s Workshop (GMW) is a series of source material designed for use with any role-playing system. This
edition of GMW is set in the Kingdoms of Kalamar Fantasy Campaign setting in Whimdol Bay on the southern shores
of the Elos Desert. Standard features of GMW include Close Encounters of a Random Kind (random encounter or event
tables), Bait, Snare &Bag (brief plot lines for adventures presented in a simple format) and The Good, the Bad and the
Ugly (detailed descriptions of NPC personalities, motivations and basic abilities). A multitude of new items (both normal
and magic), spells, races and monsters are also included.
This volume describes a detailed society of Mermen including their lives, their interactions with surface dwellers,
and both the mundane and extraordinary plights they face.

© Copyright 1998 Kenzer and Company. All rights reserved. Advanced Dungeons & Dragons is a registered trademark of Wizards
of the Coast. Use of this trademark is NOT sanctioned by the holder. Mythos of the Divine and Worldly, Sourcebook of the Sovereign
Lands, HackMaster, ImageQuest, Tragedy in the House of Brodeln, Secret Temple of Adajy, Game Master’s Workshop, The Good,
the Bad and the Ugly, Bait, Snare & Bag, Close Encounters of a Random Kind and the Kingdoms of Kalamar are trademarks of
Kenzer and Company.
 K nights of the
KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #23
Dice Follies!
September, 1998
_________________________
D inner T able Created by Jolly R. Blackburn
TM

© Copyright 1998, Kenzer and

“Dice Follies!”
Company, All Rights Reserved.
Knights of the Dinner Table™
magazine is published monthly by
Kenzer and Company.
Subscriptions: A one year sub-
scription (12 issues) is only $32.00
(US $36.00 in Canada and US The KODT DEVELOPMENT TEAM is
$50.00 Overseas).
To subscribe, send a check or Jolly R. Blackbur n, Brian Jelke,
money order (made payable to
Kenzer and Company) to:
______________________
Steve Johansson and David Kenzer
Kenzer & Company Cover Art by George Vrbanic
KODT Subscriptions,
2094 Camino a los Cerros
Menlo Park, CA 94025
_______________________ Table of Contents
or fax a valid Visa, MasterCard, or
Discover card number, your signa- CRIES FROM THE ATTIC ™

ture, card type and expiration date editorial of a madman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2

to us at (650) 233-8270. TABLE TALK™
Back Issues: Back issues and
related merchandising are also reader mail . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4
available. See page six of this issue THE SCAPEGOAT
or our website for details. weird pete goes underground after being hounded by the media . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7
Legal Notice: Knights of the
Dinner Table, Dice Follies!, Game HELP WANTED!!
Vine, KODT, HackMaster, the since when did BOB become a WORKAHOLIC? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
Kenzer and Co. Logo, and all
prominent characters and likenesses THE SUBSTITUTE
thereof are trademarks of Kenzer bob fills in weird pete’s empty chair . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
and Co. Gamin’Dick is a trademark A MAN OUT STANDING IN HIS FIELD
of Berkeley Game Distributors and
is used with their permission.
the black hands RAZ bob . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14
Mailing Address: Kenzer and IT TAKES A THIEF!
Company, 2094 Camino a los there’s no place like home for good ‘ol knuckles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18
Cerros, Menlo Park, CA 94025.
Phone/fax: (650) 233-8270. THE UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTER
Internet: [email protected] SLACKMOZER??!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .24
(editorial inquiries only) or HEARD IT ON THE GAMEVINE™
[email protected] (all other
inquiries). World Wide Web: news, rumors and industry buzz plucked from the vine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .26
http://members.aol.com/relkin/ken KODT IDEA SEARCH
zerco.html fill in the blanks and send us your own story ideas for kodt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28
Submissions: We accept submis-
sions for strip ideas, jokes, car- MOVIES FROM A GAMER’S POINT OF VIEW™
toons, etc. We are interested in run- movies subjected to the toughest critic of them all - a gamer! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29
ning anything that other gamers BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS™
and fans would enjoy. Send a
S.A.S.E. for writer’s guidelines to brian’s picks of the month for games worth pulling off the shelf . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30
the address listed above or E-mail WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD™
[email protected]. pete’s board is jammed with lot’s of interesting things to read. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31
Advertising: A copy of our latest
ad rates can be obtained by writing PARTING SHOTS™
the KenzerCo address above or one last jab at yer funny bone on the way out the door . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .32
calling (650) 233-8270. You may
also E-mail [email protected]
 Editorial of a Madman
“Looks like Joe Gamer still has a soft
spot for newsprint and Zip-loc bags!”
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
Troy Spencer, USC gamer
he other day I had an opportunity to hang with a group of good old fashioned beer-and-pretzel games. This isn’t to say

T gamers in Columbia, South Carolina who had turned out

to get their copies of KODT autographed and to [hopeful-
ly] prod me into playing a few games.
that there aren’t some great games coming out of the other
design shops out there. I’m also a big fan of ArchAngel’s Groo
card game, WotC’s Twitch and Guillotine card games, Looney
Recently, I’ve rediscovered my love of board games (and Lab’s Aquarius, Out of the Box’s Bosworth, Atlas Games’
traditional card games) so I was looking forward to getting a Spammers and Lunch Money and many, many others.
chance to play a few. In fact, I had even brought a huge stack I’m just using Cheapass to illustrate a point. You see,
of board and card games with me which I had picked up at someone at Cheapass figured out what so many game compa-
some of the summer conventions. When I mentioned that I nies have forgotten in recent years – the Game is the thing! If
had this horde-of-games sitting in the back of my van, I was you’ve got a fun, solid game the packaging is..uh...well, it’s
quickly shoved out the front door to retrieve them. It was only just that - packaging. Sure, there are marketing considerations.
after I had hauled the games in and set them on the table that I Good packaging can move a product, we all understand that.
realized just how large my horde really was. “The Jol- But I’m of the opinion that having a ‘good game’ can move a
Meister”, as one drooling gamer put it, ‘has made out!!” product even faster!
There were some ooooo’s and aaaaah’s from the group My game shelf is filled with pretty games which promised
since many of the games had not showed up in the local game to be entertaining. Sadly, many of those same games just sit
shops yet. Then, without warning, there was a mad scramble there and gather dust.
as everyone started popping open boxes, examining counters So...when I saw the list of winners for the Origins Awards,
and game components, flipping through rule sheets and com- I said a silent, “YESSSSS!” when I learned that both Doctor
menting on the quality of the games and the beautiful graph- Lucky and Give Me the Brain had taken the awards for Best
ics. It was literally Christmas in July and I was enjoying my Abstract Boardgame and Best Traditional Boardgame
hero-for-a-day status as Gamer Santa. respectfully.
Now I have to point out that there were some very impres- As one of the Carolinian Gamers commented as we were
sive games on that table, at least one of them [a European playing Doctor Lucky, “Looks like Joe Gamer still has a soft
import] was a sixty dollar game! Many of the others were in spot for newsprint and Zip-loc bags! I wish the big guys
the thirty dollar range. One game boasted of having over one would take a lesson!”
hundred components crammed in its box! Understandably, I The words made me smile as I nodded in agreement. No,
was amazed [I think my jaw even dropped] when everyone he wasn’t suggesting that the large game companies start
decided they wanted to play CheapAss Games’ Give Me the Xeroxing their product and stuffing them into Zip-loc bags.
Brain [Chosen as a Brian’s Pick in KODT #11] and Kill Just that they keep in mind the simple rule - the game is the
Doctor Lucky. thing! Everything else is packaging.
If you’ve ever seen these games, you may understand my I was told that when James Ernest of Cheapass Games
astonishment. The company is called Cheapass Games for a accepted his Origins Award he said, “When I started in this
reason. All of their games are ‘cheaply’ made. The cards are business the retailers told me they wanted games that would
Xeroxed on what looks to be Astrobrite card stock. The games sell themselves! I decided to make some!”
come packaged in an envelope and sell for five bucks! Both Underdog couldn’t have said it any better.
games require dice and/or playing tokens but you are informed Well, I see I’ve rambled enough for this issue. Enjoy this
you have to provide your own. We’re talking cheap as in very month’s offering of KODT. As always, please let us know
low production quality. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not knock- how we’re doing.
ing either of these games or, for that matter, Cheapass Games.
I happen to love them and have played both many times. Good Gaming,
Give Me the Brains and Kill Doctor Lucky were BIG
HITS in ‘97. That’s pretty amazing when you stop to realize
that they weren’t heavily advertised. Word of mouth put these Jolly R. Blackburn
games on the map. I’ve seen gamers pass by the glossy big dol- July 16, 1998
lar games time and time again for a chance to play one of these
uh....b.a., i’ve changed my mind.
oh for crying out loud!! the HOODY HOO¡¡ doesn’t look like i’ll be doing any
shopping at the general store
FORTY STICKS of DYNAMITE after all. i’m taking a FAST
you hid in the SHERRIF’’S saddle- i turn the GATLING GUN i’m TAKIN’ OUT TRAIN out of the territory!!
bags detonates when DAVE shoots on the town square and that RAT BASTARD
the bags with his WINCHESTER MOW DOWN the POSSE!! of a DEPUTY next!! TRAIN?? good idea!! i’ll
RIFLE and blows him to bits!! check out the baggage
car for LOOT!!
 Our Readers Talk Back!
TABLE TALK: READER MAIL
Dear KODT, A Top Ten List, eh? I like it. If enough readers vote for their
The first time that i have see you, it was in Dragon #226. I top ten favorite stories, we’ll publish the list in a future issue.
really enjoy the strip so i look it in the next month magazine to Fortuantely we just ran an updated checklist/index for the
see if it was there again. It was. Since that time, i have look for- comic book in KODT #22. This should help make things eas-
ward to read it in dragon mag. But it was recently that i notice ier. If you want to vote for your favorite strip(s), you may send
that KODT was a monthly comic book. The first reaction i have them in via E-mail or snail mail.
was to subscibe to it. I have buy all i could get at Kenzer & Jolly
Company (Tales from the vault, Bundle of Trouble and 13
issue of KODT). Dear KODT,
Now after two months of reading here is what I have to say I first became aware of KODT when it debuted in
The things that i like the most; Cattlepunk!, The Black Dragon. From that day forward, KoDT became the first fea-
Hand, Weird Pete as GM guest, Movie Review, Hard8 ture I would read each month. When I saw KoDT #5 at a
Enterprise publicity, Bitter Stevil local comic/game shop, I snatched it up eagerly, also rescu-
The things that i like the least;(But they are funny too!) ing issue #3 from the back-issue bin where it didn't belong.
Gary Jackson Files, SpaceHack, Long strips (3 page and Since then, I've been lucky enough to keep current with the
more…) comic, missing only issues 1, 2, and 4.
Things a would like to see ; the KODT and The Black Hand I also picked up Tales From the Vault, and have since
playing together, the times when BA grand father play ordered the collection of issues 1-3. KoDT is the best comic
Hackmaster, Brian as a DM, MAYBE another girl joining the I have ever read in regards to RPGs. I think the thing that
group, Bob when he was playing with Nitro (flaskback), A story makes it so good (besides the outrageous humor) is the fact
of BA mom telling him not to trash the dinner table. that gamers can relate to B.A., Bob, Dave, Sara, and Brian.
TOP 10, BEST STRIPS (I have made it a top 15, there is I KNOW my gaming groups in the past were similar. Keep
to much that I like) up the good work and keep making me laugh!
1- Agent of Evil (#5)
2- An overbearing situation (#12) Joe Huber
3- Carry a big stick (#17) Baltimore, MD
4- Lord of darkness (#2) [email protected]
5- Cows of war (#2 a classic !)
6- Lair of the Gazebo (#1 also a classic !) Dear KODT,
7- Brian’s Challenge (#7) I must say major kudos for the excellent book. It's the
8- Nitro’s revenge (#17) only RPG related item I actually collect on a regular basis.
9- The temp (#10) As a female gamer and gamemaster, I must say I'm sorry not
10- Price of passage (#12) to see more of Sara taking a main role in the group. I really
11- Wherever you go – there you are (#6) know what it's like to be the lone voice of reason on the
12- Ship of fool (#16) testosterone washed shores of gaming.
13- The turn about (#18) I'm sure she gets outshouted a lot, but why doesn't she
14- The after action review (#18) take a turn gamemastering? I bet she'd be good. Also, why
15- The sting (#19) don't the KODT participate in anything like the Living
I think that it would be a good idea to see what other reader City? The Monty Haul style of play would be right up Bob
top 10 is. And maybe if you like the idea, make a special place and Dave's alley and the powergaming would suit Brian to a
for a top 10 of all the best strip. It woulb be great ! T. Although they might find that all GM's aren't quite as
I hope that wy writing is good enough to get print in the kind as BA.
TableTalk. You see i usually write in french so …. But some- Oh, I had a story idea, too. I think it would be interesting
times when it come to language, it is a obstacle but also a big if BA got a girlfriend and wanted to bring her to play. I've
advantage. None of my players understand a word of english been in several groups with boyfriend/girlfriend GM/player
(that’s why I am the GM) and I must translate them the KODT combinations and things get interesting really fast.
strip. The one group I played with in college said the GM used
Thanks a lot and continue your good work ! to piss his girlfriend off and she would chase him around the
Erik Bouchard table. The other guys would get underneath and hold in the
1229 Angoulème APP 43 chairs so he couldn't escape her. And girlfriend's characters
Chicoutimi PQ take practically no damage when things are going well, and
G7H 5A2 LOTS when things are going poorly.
E-mail : [email protected] I think many of us readers are interested in learning more
about the Knights as people. Again, keep up the GREAT
Thanks for a great letter, Erik! While we love getting all the work. The Knights of the Dinner Table are a HOWL and I
“atta-boy” letters from our fans, we REALLY love receiving look forward to each month's new issue.
detailed letters such as yours telling us what you like (and don’t
like) about KODT. We also love it when our readers give us J.S.B.
suggestions for things they’d like to see. via E-mail

YOU DON’T NEED A FORM ›⁄-ALPHA TO SEND US

YOUR COMMENTS ON KODT, YA KNOW??
you can write to us via e-mail at
[email protected]!!
or you can send your snail mail to
K O D T L E T T E R B O X , 1003 Monroe Pike, Marion, IN 46953
 WE FEEL YOUR
PAIN, DUDE!
“It was bad enough you were the LAST GUY* to
discover Knights of the Dinner Table, but what
a bummer – the early issues had already been
snagged up and you missed them.”

LOOK FOR THESE

KODT
COMPILATIONS AT
YOUR LOCAL
GAMESTORE!!
CAN’T FIND THEM??
NO PROBLEM DUDE,
YOU CAN ORDER THEM
DIRECT!!

IT’S ALL HERE!!! CRAMMED BETWEEN for you JOHNNY-COME-LATELY’S

TWO COVERS AND BURSTING AT THE SEAMS. who caught on to KODT AFTER ISSUES ONE THRU
ALL THE KODT STRIPS THAT HAVE APPEARED IN: THREE SOLD OUT, there’s GOOD NEWS!!
DRAGON, SHADIS, THE FAMILIAR, THE GAMER’S “BUNDLE OF TROUBLE vol one”
CONNECTION, AND ELSEWHERE!! brings the FIRST THREE ISSUES together.
INCLUDES ORIGINAL KODT STRIPS NEVER BEFORE and just to be nice, we threw in an NEVER
PULISHED!!!! EXPANDED BIOS OF YOUR FAVORITE BEFORE SEEN story and a few other goodies.
KODT CHARACTERS
KODT TRIVIA AND HISTORICAL NOTES IS THAT KEWL OR WHAT??
64 PAGES AND ALL FOR JUST $9.95!! 96 PAGES AND JUST $9.95!!

* Note in HackMaster 5th Edition being the ‘last guy’ results in a -5 modifier to your Honor
 KODT: IN YER FACE EVERY FREAKIN’ MONTH!!
i read mine with a two
liter bottle of
JOLT COLA and a bag
of SHOCK TARTS!!

Issue 24
Available October 1998 Issue 25
Available November 1998

“WHAT DO YOU READ YOURS WITH??!!”

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KODT No.#7 “The Dice Man Cometh!” sold out KODT Tales From The Vault $9.95
KODT No.#8 “An Orc By Any Other Name” sold out KODT Bundle of Trouble vol. one $9.95
KODT No.#9 “Two Dice For Sister Sara” sold out To purchase back issues, send a check or money order
KODT No.#10 “Let the Dice Fall Where They May” sold out (made payable to Kenzer and Company) to:
KODT No.#11 “When in Doubt: Hack!!” $4.95 ______________________
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The Scapegoat by Jolly R. Blackburn

PETE ASHTON??
NOPE - sorry!!! i’ve
never heard of the man!!

i just started
working here!!

don’t you think it’s a little STRANGE that you work in a store OWNED
and OPERATED by ÆWEIRD PETE ASHTONÆ and YET you STUBBORNLY
INSIST that you’ve never met the man or even HEARD of him??
you DID say PETE ASHTON,
right?? sorry, just doesn’t ring
a bell. i was told the guy who owns
this place lives in NEPAL or
something. only visits once a year.

and you STILL claim you’re

JUST a BAG BOY??

YEP¡¡ that’s right. i’m just a and i suppose the GROUCHO

LOWLY PAID EMPLOYEE!! NOSE GLASSES are just
they don’t tell me NOTHING!! part of the work uniform??

GROUCHO GLASSES??
sir, i am OFFENDED!! this
happens to be a RITUAL
FERTILITY MASK worn by
my ANCESTORS - an obscure
nomadic tribe who once wan-
dered the GENTLE SLOPES of
the VOLGA RIVER VALLEY.

7
just answer my questions about STEAM TUNNEL FORAY ‘·°? the RESCUE EFFORT ALONE
cost the taxpayers many THOUSANDS of DOLLARS. THIS store promoted that event!! i think those
TAXPAYERS
deserve to
think fast!! uh....FIGHT OR FLIGHT?? no, no, stupid - THINK!! hear
use your ROLE_PLAYING SKILLS!! you got the EDGE on this
guy. you can DANCE your way out of this PICKLE!! WHY!!!

THREE LIVES were nearly LOST

because of a GAME this store sells and
promotes!! why are you ENCOURAGING
the YOUTH OF MUNCIE to engage
in DANGEROUS BEHAVIOR??

drop the LITTLE CHARADE, MR. ASHTON!! i saw you scrambling for i already have NEWT
the GROUCHO GLASSES when i pulled up in front of the store. FORAGER’S interview
with his VERSION of
look i told ya, my name’s not ashton. it’s the events on TAPE!!
mephisto...er..JOHN MEPHISTO. i’m now i WANT yours.
just a greeter - used to work at wal-
mart. mr. squirrley usually runs the reg-
ister but he’s recovering from a rare
strain of ebola type b. laid him up for
weeks now. also...

look ‘JOHN’, i’m NOT

LEAVING muncie
until i get
MY STORY¡¡

TWO DAYS LATER≥≥≥ DAMN PETE!!

that you??
hello? GAMIN’
SHEEYAT
DICK?? it’s me
BOY!! they got
GOOD PETE!! is this
YOU’SE on
GAWD!! i can’t TAKE it line secure??
da NEWS!!
he’s STILL ANYMORE¡¡
out there!! i’ve got to go
UNDERGROUND
until things YOU’RE TELLING ME?? look, i wanna borrow
COOL: OFF¡ your cousin’s HUNTING LODGE at the LAKES to
HIDE OUT for a few weeks until this blows over!
YOU GOT IT HOSS!! cours’in yer
gonna owe me! how about taken a few
dozen cases of these ONE-LEGGED
DWARF KITS off’in muh hands?
you sure know how to
D!
PART TIME HENLPINWSAINDTEE!!
KICK a man when he’s
down, don’t ya??
SEE THE MA

8
Help Wanted!! by Jolly R. Blackburn

HEY, GET OFF MY ASS!! my CASE but bob, WHY did you VOLUNTEER to take on
DAMMIT BOB¡¡ you were LOAD at HOE AND HARNESS* is ALL the EXTRA WORK if you can’t keep up?
FIFTY MINUTES late backed up from HERE to DOOMSDAY!! look at you - you’re absolutely FRAZZLED!!
tonight - AGAIN¡¡ i told you my boss wants my IN BOX cleared out
before, if you’re going to be by the end of the month.
late you need to at least yeah, and since WHEN did YOU
have the courtesy to CALL¡ you held up the become a WORKAHOLIC??
game dude!!

i feel for ya dude!!! i had to sell my BLACK_BORDER SPELL

I GOT NO CHOICE!! my old man is on the JACKED CARDS and some of my comic book collection to pay MY
WARPATH again!! he’s only giving me dad off. i got screwed too!! WEIRD PETE would only give me FIFTY
NINETY DAYS to pay him back for the BUCKS for my autographed X-MEN #7!! and he sold it to me for a
MONEY he LOANED me to pay MY HUNDRED AND FIFTY BUCKS just a few months ago!!
SHARE of the DAMAGES to HAWG
WALLER’S!!† i work on COMMISSION you need to take care of yourself, i warned you dave!!
ya know?? so the MORE cases i have the BOB!! we worry about you!! WEIRD PETE doesn’t
MORE money i’ll make. know JACK about
comics!!

i wisely cashed my SPELL JACKED cards in MONTHS AGO like i said, “I GOT NO CHOICE¡” if i don’t pay off the LOAN in time my
and prices plummeted fl‚% within mere days!! i INVESTED dad’s gonna charge me ⁄°1/2 percent INTEREST compounded DAILY!! i
all my returns in SCORCHED EARTH’S new CCG, ÆPSY- may have to take on a SECOND JOB or SELL my CHEVETTE!! I’M
CHO-BABBLEÆ i predict card and set prices to QUADRUPLE BLEEDING HERE!! between the time i missed going to GARYCON† and
over the next ⁄° MONTHS¡¡ the EIGHT DAYS i missed while in RAT HAVEN i’m barely making RENT!!

PSYCHO-BABBLE?? oooh... sell MARGO¿ your dad is charging you

how is it? are you dude, don’t even say
that’s the PREMIUM CARD INTEREST??
MAD?? those cards you named your that!! no way!!
GAME i’ve heard so much about.
are worth a fortune. car MARGO??
how is it??
i ain’t playing with
them!

⁄°1/2
PERCENT??

* See KODT#15: For the Love of Knuckles

† See KODT#22:The Lost One(s). 9
 SECOND JOB?? hey bob, i don’t know if PETE”S HIRING?? really? damn, working in
you’re interested but i think i MAY have a GAME STORE would KICK ASS!! maybe
a SOLUTION for you!! i was down at i’ll MOSEY on down there tomorrow on my VACATION!! he
WEIRD PETE’S today to SPECIAL LUNCH BREAK and get all the details!! works in a GAME
ORDER “WATERCREST DOWN” and he’s STORE. why would
looking for PART TIME help for the DAMN!! i wonder pete need to take a
next few weeks. he’s suddenly decided to good idea, b.a.!! vacation??
how many positions
take a VACATION!! he seemed pretty are available??
HARD UP to find someone FAST¡¡

oh....wait a second. WHAT AM I THINKING?? do i look like i’m WORRIED?? huh?? i’m tellin’ ya - i worked
NITRO FERGUESON uses the back room of the the guy over pretty good. he’s SCARED of me!! besides,
GAMES PIT to run his CAMPAIGNS after hours!! NITRO knows ARTICLE THREE of the PLAYERS CODE OF
CONDUCT!! the GAMING TABLE and LOCAL GAME
NITRO??(erp) uh....er.. SO WHAT?? i ain’t afraid SHOP are NEUTRAL TERRITORY! he knows if he lands a
of him!! people are STILL talking about that hand on me he’ll be BANNED from every GAMING EVENT
ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT i administered to him in DELAWARE COUNTY for the next FIVE YEARS!!
last summer at HACKCON MUNCIE*¡¡

i may be out on the dude are NUTS?? the man sat oh brother!
STREET if right here behind that screen and
i don’t create SWORE he’d get REVENGE†!!
some positive
CASH FLOW fast!!

bob, i think you’re a little OVERCONFIDENT about this aren’t you? besides bob forgets that GAME
you BLINDED NITRO by dumping an opened SALT SHAKER in his eyes and CONVENTIONS are also
then you SMACKED him on the back of the head with a HACKMASTER’S GM CONSIDERED NEUTRAL territory
GUIDE!! the man was totally unprepared for your DIRTY TACTICS!! according to the CODE OF CONDUCT!!
hey, i almost (cackle) forgot
UNPREPARED MY ASS¡ i warned him about that(snort) BRAWL!! how many times do we have to
about touching my dice - TWICE¡¡ (snicker) SHEILA decked you explain it to you?? THE MAN
besides, i learned THAT salt shaker GOOD, B≥A≥!! whooo-boy!! the TOUCHED HIS DICE!! bob
trick from you, when you got into that look on your face!! HAR HAR¡ was totally justified in doing
fight with SHEILA HOROWITZ. what he did.

that was different!

the girl had a
KNIFE!!

* See KODT#6: The Safety Lecture

† See KODT#7: Lord of Steam 10
 i don’t care WHAT you guys say. VIOLENCE is NEVER the answer. it disturbs me the only thing that puzzles me is
that you can sit here and rationalize harming another human being. besides the that it’s been over a YEAR since the
delaware county chapter of the HACKMASTER ASSOCIATION seems to have incident and NITRO hasn’t made his
agreed with me. bob was CENSURED for his actions and REPRIMANDED!! move. it’s not like him. we had a
BOB’S LIFE EXPECTANCY POOL
boy, you REALLY don’t get it - do you MS≥ CHEESEHEAD?? (SNORT¡¡) and down at WEIRD PETE’S
there wasn’t a man or woman on that BOARD OF INQUIRY when b.a. came to . i only gave him THIRTY DAYS!!
who didn’t EMPATHIZE with me!! that’s why they gave he said, “what
me a token SLAP_ON-THE-WRIST!! happened?”

so what if she decked

me?? she cheated and HAR HAR¡¡
i CALLED her on it!! it’s
that’s what matters!! killing me!!

well bob, you’re a GROWN BOY!! you do what you think oh man, my sides hurt!! (snicker) the BEST part was when
best. but i’m tellin’ ya - it would be a BIG MISTAKE to put she held him down (HAR HAR) and gave him an ATOMIC
yourself in CLOSE PROXIMITY to a SWORN ENEMY WEDGIE!! HA HA HA - HOOOOOO BOOOY!!
on a daily basis. every time he sees, you he’s gonna think about
that MORGANSTERN THROAT LOCK you put on him. bob, if you get that job
uh..what was that
you’ll be OUR MAN on the
well don’t lose any sleep over it, oh gawd, i think i about SHEILA and B.A. INSIDE TRACK!! check
need a tissue or in a fight???
MR. GLASS-JAW!! about EMPLOYEE DIS-
i can take care of myself. something!! COUNTS on PRODUCT!!

GLASS-JAW?
i’m tellin’ ya
that DICE BAG
was weighted
or something.

P LAYERS ’ Code of Conduct

H.M.P.A. is a subsidiary of Hard Eight Enterprises. The H.M.P.A. Players Code of Conduct is © 1980,1995 by Gary Jackson

Drafted by the HackMaster Players’ Association, June 5th 1981

Ratified by the H.M.P.A. Local 254 (Muncie), March 21st 1983

1. The Game Must Go On!

2. The GameMaster is ALWAYS RIGHT!
3. The Game Table is neutral territory. (As are Game Conventions and Game Shops.) [Amended Aug 12, 1997]
4. A player shall not look behind the GameMaster’s screen or look at his or her notes.
5. All information on a player’s character sheet shall be accurate and truthful.
6. A player shall not lay down dice and character sheet with more than one GameMaster without their
prime GM’s prior approval and knowledge. [Amended July 3, 1982, December 8, 1989, May 15, 1992)
7. A player shall not cheat and will report those who do to their GameMaster immediately.
8. A player shall take responsibility for their own actions and/or behavior when deemed inappropriate by
others and shall not attribute them to HackMaster, roleplaying in general or to Hard Eight Enterprises.
9. A player shall not covet or touch fellow players’ dice and/or any other random number
generating devices. (including electronic dice, chits, designated coins and personal spinners.) (Amended 3, 1993)
10. A player shall not distribute photocopied or electronically scanned HackMaster products to other
players.

11
The Substitute by Jolly R. Blackburn and David s. Kenzer

WEIRDBACK
PETE’S
ROOM is all set up and ready for your game. just
make sure the BACK DOOR is locked when you guys leave.
(gulp) uh, hey BOBBY BOY¡¡ i...uh...got the BACK ROOM set
NITRO!! what a surprise!! OFFICIAL HACKMASTER™
i see PETE found upsomeone
just liketoPETE instructed.
TOURNEY SITE
take the AFTERNOON
SHIFT after all!! you
planning on taking off??

yeah, as soon as i empty

the trash and mop up.
i won’t get in your way,

actually, i’m GLAD you’re here. with PETE flying

the coop on short notice, we’re in a bit of a FIX!!
we’re going to have an EMPTY CHAIR and the
adventure was designed for FOUR PLAYERS!!
THINK YOU COULD SIT IN WITH US?? why so surprised? yer a
damn GOOD PLAYER, bob!!
the guys would be
well, that’s wait a second!! you want ME to THRILLED if
kind of you SIT IN on YOUR game?? you SUBSTITUTED
to...¿¿¡¡¡ for PETE, tonight!!

AND....you’d be doing
me a BIG FAVOR, it would
be like OLD TIMES, eh?

DO NOT PRACTICE
YOUR THIEF SKILLS
IN MY STORE - I WILL
PROSECUTE YOU!!

well...uh....i dunno. maybe it’s not such a NO PROBLEM!!.you wouldn’t

good idea. you know B.A.!! he tends to be playing YOUR character.
have a COW if we play our characters you’d be playing PETE”S
under another GM without letting him character. not even B≥A≥
know. besides, he made us re-take the could have a
OATH OF LOYALTY last summer.* problem with THAT!! again NOT A
PROBLEM¡¡ it was
you want me to play PETE”S character?? PETE’S idea to find a SUB-
are you NUTS?? he’d have me DRAWN STITUTE PLAYER!!
AND QUARTERED if he found out!! there’s BOO-KOO
EXPERIENCE POINTS
and TREASURE at stake
here. he doesn’t want to
LOSE his SHARES!!
besides, i know you’re up for
a good old HACKFEST!!

* See KODT#9: GameMaster of the Realm 12

 REVENGE??
BOO-KOO HACKING¿¿ (drool) DAMN, sounds good.
i guess i could sit in for just....uh.....er.....hmmmmmmmmmmm.. ¡¡¿¿¿ but dude, i took care of
THAT months ago.

HUH?? what the hell

NOW WHAT”S are you talking about??
WRONG?? WHEN? WHERE?
i was just wondering.

WHAT”S YOUR ANGLE?? GADZOOKS¡¡ he

this isn’t part of your BIG doesn’t even know!!*
SCHEME to get REVENGE
on me is it??

uh...(sputter)....what i meant to say was that i decided to

FORGIVE AND FORGET!! that’s why i sent that little REALLY?? that was YOU?? HOODY HOO!!
PEACE OFFERING. you know - to (snicker) PATCH things up. YOU DA MAN!! that was GREAT!! you
should have been there. it was AWESOME!!

peace offering?? i bet i forgot to sign it.

i’m not sure didn’t you get an INVITATION what the.....?? you mean you had a
what you mean. to the LIVE ACTION GOOD TIME?? but...but..you came
what was it? HACKMASTER BALL?? of there in a BODY CAST!!

gaaa!! wait a minute... things did get a little rough!! this

YOU SET THAT UP¿¿ FREAKIN’ OGRE was bad mouthing
KNUCKLES you see. then he grabs
me and we GO AT IT¡¡
ha ha, yeah that was me.
i told you i’d get you bob. yeah i heard. you got
your ASS KICKED!!

wadda ya mean he kicked my ass?? i was holding my

own pretty good. it was supposed to be a ONE-ON- (groan) yeah...sure. i should come with you
ONE affair - ya know? but then his damn BUGBEAR guys next time. so what’s the WORD!! you
BUDDY jumped me from behind. lucky for me going to sit in for PETE or not??
BRIAN....er...TEFLON BILLY was there. he must
have THROWN that BUGBEAR a good FIFTY FEET!!
well hell, WHY NOT?? as
long as everything is COOL
you sound like you had between us - i might as well.
the TIME of your life.

IT WAS AWESOME¡¡ we’ve

been talking about going again. yeah, yeah, everything
you should come with us! is just PEACHY!!

* See KODT#17: Nitro’s Revenge 13

A Man Out Standing in His Field By JOLLY R. BLACKBURN
okay as you ALL know, PETE has oh, by the way, i LOANED a FEW THINGS to
SKIPPED TOWN for a few weeks. i’ve hey bob!! thanks for filling in MEPHISTO last week to HOLD for
asked BOB HERZOG to sit in for the tonight!! we’d REALLY be
hurtin’ without MEPHISTO’S RASPUTIN! can you go ahead and give them back
OLD MAN and play MEPHISTO!! to me? just a RING OF CLOAKING, a +° DAG-
added FIREPOWER!!
GER OF HINDSIGHT and a fi‚‚‚ G.P. GEM!!
bob’s playing
MEPHISTO¿¿
did you clear this pete must trust you!! he’s NEVER let uh, okay, sure. but they don’t
with PETE?? ANY of us run one of his characters. seem to be ANNOTATED
here as far as ownership!!
pete’s
cool with
it NEWT!

oh, they wouldn’t be, MEPHISTO and RAZ are fairly TIGHT!! we’re always
TOSSIN’ stuff back and forth in the the HEAT OF BATTLE!! say, that sir?? are you going to allow
reminds me, i think he has my ROD OF LORDSHIP tucked away there some- this?? they’re PICKING poor
place. and uh....you don’t happen to notice if the COMMAND WORD for it is MEPHISTO clean!!!
JOTTED down there someplace do you? i think i may have FORGOTTEN IT!!

you know, now that you let’s see....rod of water walk- hell with it!! let
mention it, there are a FEW ing, rod of storm brewing, rod PETE sort it out
THINGS i loaned MEPHISTO of.....ahhh!! here it is ROD OF when he gets back
that I”D like back as well. LORDSHIP. the command from his LA-LA
word is “GRATEFUL DEAD” LAND VACATION!!

oh yeah!!
thank you, what
my friend. ever!

okay, so last week the GROUP was taking a SHORT CUT

through KROOPER”S MEADOW to the CAVERNS OF MANY sir do i have to?? bob’s not even a MEMBER
PERILS!! we stopped the ACTION just as you guys were of the BLACK HANDS!! i don’t see how this
breaking camp along the edge of the GNARLED TOOTH HILLS!! has ANYTHING to do with HIM!!

uh...i’m sorry nitro!! i hate to interrupt but i just GOTTA ask!! if someone asks - you “SAY
what the hell is that thing around NEWT’S neck?? THE WORDS”- PERIOD!!!!
it doesn’t matter WHO asks!!
oh no you don’t,
huh?? oh, nothing that concerns NEWT!! you have to
you. INTERNAL CLUB yes, sir!!
say “THE WORDS”
BUSINESS - pay it no mind!! when someone asks
c’mon, newt! say you about it!!
the words!!
¿¿¡¡

14
 (ahem)..Æi am the KEEPER OF THE HUB CAP OF SHAME¡¡
FIVE MINUTES LATER≥≥≥
i wear this TOKEN OF DEGRADATION because my “... i wear this TOKEN OF DEGRADATION because my
actions brought DISGRACE and DISHONOR to myself, actions brought DISGRACE and DISHONOR to myself,
the BLACK HANDS GAMING SOCIETY and to the the BLACK HANDS GAMING SOCIETY and to the
GAMING COMMUNITY at large! GAMING COMMUNITY at large! BEHOLD MY...Æ
BEHOLD MY SHAME¡ LOOK DOWN UPON ME¡Æ

nice try SMART GUY!! you’re supposed C”MON NEWT!! put some more UMMFFF into
to STAND UP when you say it!! it!! i’m not sensing any SINCERITY here!!
that’s the key to your redemption!! SINCERITY
and REMORSE -- DEEP REMORSE!!
and the gestures!!
you’re supposed to do
the hand gestures!! project your voice!! and try what the
NOW DO IT RIGHT!!! ¡¡¡¿¿¿ to turn this way a little so hell is this
bob can see the hubcap!! all about??

by the way, i couldn’t help but

NEWT is being PUNISHED for the little ÆHOAXÆ he perpetrated recently.* notice YOUR mug on the back of a
MILK CARTON recently. so... how
HOAX?? you mean it really was a hoax? he wasn’t LOST after all?? WAS it down in RAT HAVEN??
yep, it’s been CONFIRMED!! when he emerged from a i don’t want to talk
STORM SEWER over FORTY MILES away in MARION about it, okay?
twenty days later we got a little suspicious!! the rats as BIG i don’t want to
as they say?? talk about it,
once we confronted him with maps of both
systems showing they DON”T connect - HE HE WASN”T LOST?? when did you realize I DON”T WANT
CRACKED like a MACADAMIA NUT! you were LOST! TO TALK
NOPE!!
ABOUT IT¡¡
he was makin’
like how’d the
a COUCH underwear
POTATO strainer
at his crib work THIS
the whole time bob?
time!!

FIVE MINUTES LATER≥≥≥

okay, DICE FREAKS!! we’re
BURNING game time!! as i recall as you break out of the FOREST into the open GRASSLANDS you suddenly
you guys had just BROKEN detect a LONE FIGURE standing out in the middle of a HUGE FIELD!!
CAMP and were about to
RESUME your JOURNEY!! this is a GOOD SIGN!! if it’s an NPC he’s probably
going to have some USEFUL information for us!!

let me get this straight, it’s just

i blow my HORN OF some dude standing in a field??
SALUTATION¡¡
to announce i’m gazing into my
our presence!! MARBLE OF EAGLE
any reaction?? VISION!! i’ll take a good
closer look at this guy!! idea!!

* See KODT#22: The Lost Ones 15

 A FEW MINUTES LATER≥≥≥
STEVIL, looking through your MARBLE you
can see that the man is BUCK NAKED except as you guys move closer toward the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
for a large HUMAN FEMUR which he appears you now detect that he is ACTUALLY standing in the center of
to brandishing like some sort of CLUB!! he’s an EMORMOUS CIRCLE¡¡ the circle is about a QUARTER
standing next to a STONE PIT about FOUR MILE in DIAMETER.and outlined by a CHALK LINE which is
FEET in diameter with his back toward you about TEN FEET in WIDTH!!! the interior of the circle is simply
facing EAST. he appears to be staring intently a blanket of GRASS of almost PUTTING GREEN quality!!
toward the HORIZON
am i hearing you right?? this is some NAKED
DUDE just STANDING in some field??
he doesn’t seem to pay
any attention to the STAY ALERT everyone!! NUDE NPC’S are
BELLOWING from your typically GAWDS or DEMI-GAWDS!!
horn, NEWT. in fact he
seems to be in some kind chalk gawds? you forgetting about NITRO’S
of MEDITATIVE line?? “DELIVERANCE*” adventure??
TRANCE!!

let’s see what OL’ MEPHISTO has here has as far guys, i’m a little concerned about this ‘CHALK LINE CIRCLE!!
as RANGED WEAPONS or SPELLS! hmmmmm....damn, i got a little rule-of-thumb i go by. if you see a chalk line
no crossbow! oh...here we go!! i’ll cast a SKIPPING- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER cross it, break it or step on it!!
BETTY FIREBALL at this dude!! says here as long
as it has an UNOBSTRUCTED-LEVEL PATH
to it’s TARGET it can SKIP up to A MILE!! HUB CAP BOY speaks the truth!! these type of things
usually involve GREAT EVIL MAGIC or BEINGS!!
whoah!! hold on there, TEX!! you’re not i say we WASTE HIM with RANGED WEAPONS!!
planning on casting that spell are you?
we haven’t ascertained if the subject is a naw, i disagree!! it’s a TWO-SIDED COIN!!
HOSTILE, NEUTRAL or FRIENDLY yet! chalk lines can also WARD OFF EVIL!! so who’s
RAZ is right. NITRO’s adventures to know?? we need to investigate to be sure!!
are usually NPC driven!! killing
the “WRONG” NPC can WRECK i hate to admit it but he DOES
the whole adventure! have a good point!! hmmmmm...

it doesn’t make sense to RISK the ENTIRE PARTY on this sort uh.....why is everyone looking at ME??
of thing. usually one of us VOLUNTEERS to goes in ALONE and isn’t someone going to VOLUNTEER??
check out the situation. that way if HE gets into TROUBLE the
others can figure out a SOLUTION and pull him out!.
my character is CHAOTIC EVIL with a SELF-
CENTERED MIND BENT!! it would be an
ALIGNMENT VIOLATION for me to volun-
yeah!! usually one of teer to do ANYTHING solely on the basis of
makes sense to me. no sense an interest in the WELL BEING OF OTHERS!!
us VOLUNTEERS to in EVERYONE running into
go in ALONE!!! HARM’S WAY!!
and FIRE BLOSSOM only has
⁄¤ hit points! the RISK to her i just don’t feel
is disproportionately greater right about
VOLUNTEERING
than the to the rest of you! someone else’s
character, but....
i don’t do
chalk lines!!

* See KODT#2: Dueling GameMasters 16

 okay, tell ya what, give me back the RING OF CLOAKING A FEW MINUTES LATER≥≥≥
and the +° DAGGER OF HINDSIGHT and i’ll sneak out
there and see what the deal is!! okay bob, as soon as you step across the CHALK LINE you are
IMMEDIATELY telelported to the middle of the circle. you
suddenly find yourself standing in front of the MYSTERIOUS
sorry, no can do!! HUH?? why not?? FIGURE!! ALL OF YOUR POSSESSIONS ARE GONE!!
uh what do i need to roll to SAVE!!
i misplaced them!! wadda ya mean you
MISPLACED them? SAVE?? sorry, there’s no saving throw!! the MAN before
i have alzheimer’s as a you looks at you with a set of BRILLAINT BLUE EYES
character flaw!! ALZHEIMER’S!! behind which shines a NOBLE LUSTRE!! he raises the
are you sure?? FEMUR to the SKY and SHOUTS, “I AM THE WALRUS!!
I AM THE DICE MAN!! KOO-KOO-KACHOO!!” *

oh yeah, uh oh!! it’s ANDY HA! told ya it was a GAWD!!

MEPHISTO!! WARHOL again!
i HATE this guy!!
i’m sure! trust
me - they’re
GONE!!

all the GAWDS in NITRO’S world are are you telling me ALL the gawds of this world are
DEAD CELEBRITIES from REAL LIFE who DEAD CELEBRITIES?? who the hell is MEPHISTO’S
achieved CULT STATUS after their deaths!! patron gawd, HUH?? let’s see.. HA..HARRY HOUDINI??
waa...WHAT?? you mean dudes like HOUDINI is the GAWD of MAGIC USERS!! he’s
ELVIS, LORNE GREEN, and also associated with FORTUITUOUS ESCAPES!!
JAMES DEAN?? how bizzare!!
ELVIS is the GAWD OF BARDS and ELVIS??
yeah, ‘cept the BATTLESTAR ENRICO FERMI is the GAWD of not JOHN
LORNE GREEN GALATICA guy didn’t SAGES and MATHEMATICIANS!! LENNON??
didn’t make the cut!! make the cut BUT
ANDY WARHOL did? hey, were talking the YOUNG
ELVIS here - before he made this is the STRANGEST
WARHOL was into the movie CLAM BAKE¡¡ thing i’ve ever heard of!!
CULT FIGURES
and ICONS!!
NITRO has
he’s the HEAD a knack for
GAWD of the STRANGE¡¡
PANTHEON

THIRTY MINUTES LATER≥≥≥

okay DICE FREAKS!! i hate to interrupt the little
LESSON on KRAAG WORLD down there but MEPHISTO
is BUCK NAKED and standing face to face with ANDY
WARHOL¡¡ okay bob, ANDY hands you the FEMUR and ...
i don’t think he’s
coming back!!
uh....i’m sorry!! can we PAUSE right
there?? i gotta use the RESTROOM!! sure he will. many a time i’ve spent
OVER AN HOUR in the can. just
well...i...uh....(sigh).. of course, bob!! go give him some more time.
ahead!! but PLEASE make it fast!! we’ve
got A LOT of ground to cover tonight!!
thanks for THAT
oh don’t worry!! i’ll imagery gordo...
be RIGHT back!!

* See KODT#7: Lord of Steam 17

It Takes a Thief! Based on a story by Andy Vetromile
he got that part time job working
hey gang, BOB’S going to be LATE at the GAMES PIT!! he has
tonight. we’re NOT going to wait for the FOUR to EIGHT shift!!
him, however. since KNUCKLES is start without bob¡
laid up in the HOSPICE healing up no way! he’ll go hey, i ALMOST took
anyway, i figure you guys can go ahead BALLISTIC¡ where the talk about a kid
in a candystore! that job but pete’s
and get some side-adventuring in! hell is he anyway? not paying anything!!

NO PAY? bob’s working for FREE? but he needed PETE probably didn’t tell you because YOU and SQUIRRELY don’t
the MONEY!! that was the WHOLE POINT!! get along too well*. everyone knows you’re AFRAID of being around
SQUIRRELY - especially ALONE!! part of the job includes cleaning
out his cage and feeding him. bob seems to have a way with him.
i’m afraid you have your facts wrong, brian.
PETE’S not paying CASH but he IS paying in yeah, he has it in for you we don’t get along because HE holds
FREE PRODUCT!! for every FOUR HOURS BAD!! the way he looks at a GRUDGE - that’s all!! and just
you put in at the shop you get to pick ONE you when you go in the store because i insist on carrying my
ITEM from one of the BARGAIN BINS!! makes the hair on the back PAINT BALL GUN with me when
of my neck stand on end!! going down there doesn’t mean i’m
HUH?? nobody told me AFRAID!! it’s just a DETERRENT!!
THAT part of the deal¡

i think i should warn you!! bob is planning on SELLING the FREE dude, i hate to break the bad news to ya
PRODUCT he’s SQUIDDING from PETE and converting them to but GORDON SHECKBERRY scarfed up
CASH!! he’s already called me FOUR TIMES this week trying to those N.B. SETS weeks ago!! PETE cut
sell me various CRAPPY GAMES!! the guy is relentless!! him a deal coz he bought ALL of them!!
WHA...WHAT?? how the hell did
eeeeewwwww, really?? hey, can i use your phone? maybe GORDO find them?? i hid them
what games does he have?? i can catch bob before he leaves the between the BACK ISSUES of LADIES’
did you get a list?? store. there’s several NUCLEAR HACKJOURNAL and the CAPTAIN
BLITZ EXPANSION SETS in PLANET: THE RPG modules!! nobody
EVER looks in THAT box!!
that box i’ve had my eye on. maybe he
dave, weren’t you listening?? can cut me a ÆSPECIALÆ deal!! i believe GORDO runs a
it’s CRAP from WEIRD CAPTAIN PLANET campaign
PETE’s BARGAIN BOX!! from time to time.

* See KODT#11:Blood Bath at the Games Pit. 18

 what do you say we cut the chatter and get started?? huh? as you how were WE suppose to know it was a SCAM?? the
recall, KNUCKLES is still recovering from that fall off the guy talked a pretty good talk and besides, if
BIRCH-ROC'S back! so we'll just assume his character is still i recall correctly, YOU were even taken in, SARA!!
healing up in the HOSPICE, until bob gets here. MEANWHILE,
you guys have problems of your own, REMEMBER? taken in?? i was against pooling ALL our money
i STILL can’t believe we fell for and putting it in THAT bag from the very start!!
i’ll say we have you guys MADE me put MY MONEY in it!!
PROBLEMS!! we’re that ÆGET RICH QUICKÆ SCAM¡¡
ALL BROKE!! we isn’t there some sort of CONSUMER you heard what the guy it made sense to put
need to find some PROTECTION OFFICE in FERN said!! that BAG OF ALL our money in it!!
MONEY and FAST!! GROVE we can file a complaint at?? REPLICATION only he only wanted TEN
had ONE CHARGE!! PERCENT of what
like they say, “if it’s was REPLICATED!!
sounds TOO good to be yeah but he
don’t forget all was a smooth
those I≥O≥U’s you got true - it probably is!!”
talker!
floating out there!!
oh, we plan on
skipping town before
they come due!

let’s just say i was the ONLY ONE who A FEW MINUTES LATER≥≥
WASN”T surprised when he TELEPORTED
AWAY with BOTH the bag AND our money!! BRIAN, the GUARD at the TOWN HALL insists that FERN
the PINK LEGWARMERS gave GROVE doesn’t have a BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU!! since
it away for me but B.A. wouldn’t let me you’ve STUBBORNLY asked him EIGHT TIMES he seems a bit
say anything because THORINA is a NEW nervous. he backs several steps away from you and is FIRMLY
CHARACTER and wouldn’t have know gripping the hilt of his SWORD!! you’d better just move along!!
about the LAST time you guys were
SCAMMED by this guy!! after i visit i’m going to check AHA!! i knew it!! there’s
KNUCKLES in the the local office of SOMETHING he isn’t
HOSPICE i’m the TRAVELLERS’ telling me!!
i’m going to going go check on
WASTE that damn that JONID AID SOCIETY!!
COINCRAWLER¡¡* CLOVER FAX at
GNOME!! the STABLE!!

A WEE BIT LATER≥≥ SARA, the NICE lady at the TRAVELLERS’’ AID SOCIETY office is VERY
HELPFUL!! although she informs you that they NO LONGER give LOW-INTEREST
BRIAN as you and the LOANS to assist STRANDED TRAVELLERS they DO sponsor a CONTEST
GUARD are SCUFFLING to provide such UNFORTUNATES as yourselves a chance to WIN a CASH PRIZE!!
over the SWORD you
finally manage to YANK CONTEST?? i’ll get ALL the he runs away?? WHAT A WUSS!! uh....
it away from him. finding details. what do we have to lose? i think i’ll do the same!! i’m going to go
himself UNARMED and HIDE in my room til things cool off!!
facing an apparent MAD-
MAN he promptly turns hey, since bob is
and RUNS AWAY!! LAID UP i’m going
to see how much
the STABLE
MASTER will
LOAN me against
his HORSE!!

* See KODT#12: The Great Dragon Depository 19

 LATER STILL ≥≥≥ OVATE? what the HELL does HOT DAMN!!
okay, after all the STRANDED TRAVELLERS THAT mean?? is it dangerous? did he say
have assembled in the WAITING ROOM, the OVATE??
NICE LADY leads ALL of you into a large it just means it’s egg shaped,
COURT YARD in back of the T.A.S. OFFICE dave!! like your head!!
BUILDING!! an ORNATE RUG approximately
FIFTY FEET by FIFTY FEET SQUARE covers
the center of the FLAGSTONE PAVEMENT!! does that make it being OVATE kicks a GEM-
more valu...HEY!! STONE’S value up THREE-
my head isn’t either FOLD!! i use my GEM
DEAD CENTER in the middle of EGG SHAPED!! APPRAISAL SKILLS to
the RUG is a FINE GOLDEN determine its value, B.A.¡
GOBLET. it is encrusted with
GEMS around its rim, only from the
and sitting in it is a is my head REALLY egg
shaped?? huh?? front!!
MARVELOUS OVATE OPAL.

a CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE of the OPAL would be

somewhere around ⁄‚≤‚‚‚ GOLD PIECES, brian!! here are the RULES!! you cannot WALK on
the CARPET!! you cannot SUSPEND
TEN-G’S¿¿ HOODY HOO¡¡ someone OVER the CARPET!! you cannot
attempt to HIT the GOBLET or STONE
with any kind of missile or thrown item!! AND
how many OTHER travellers are in you cannot use MAGIC ITEMS or SPELLS
the NICE LADY explains to the group competing against us?? to accomplish the TASK!!
GROUP that the FIRST
PERSON to take POSSESSION OTHERS? damn, we better
of the gem without BEARING solve this QUICK before
DOWN on the RUG may KEEP one of these YAHOOS oh, and to answer
the OPAL and the GOBLET!! beats us to it¡ SARA’s question
there are TWELVE
other TRAVELLERS
do we get to keep attempting to solve
the RUG too?? the PUZZLE!!

each TRAVELLER is allowed ONE ATTEMPT per day to solve the PUZZLE!! if you fail you must leave and won’t be
allowed to try again until the NEXT day!! some of the other ‘YAHOOS” as brian called them have apparently been trying
to solve the puzzle for a LONG TIME!! many of them are carrying COMPLICATED hand-made devices which they hope
will GRAB the OPAL for them. one ELDERLY TRAVELLER has a set of charts and blue prints and seems to be taking
measurements! suddenly the NICE LADY raises both arms and announces, “LET THE CONTEST BEGIN!!”

EL RAVAGER draws his HACKMASTER +⁄¤!! i command darn!! you know who we i cast a DETECT MAGIC on
it to GROW to TEN FEET in LENGTH!! then i POLE need? KNUCKLES!! this the CARPET to see if there
VAULT myself over the rug and GRAB the OPAL!! is a job for a THIEF. are any “HAMPERING”
SPELLS working against us!
the room explodes with LAUGHTER
as you land about FIFTEEN FEET
from the edge of the rug!! that was
your ONE attempt. you are escort-
ed from the room! besides NO
MAGIC!! you would have been
DISQUALIFIED anyway!!

20
 DAY FIVE OF THE CONTEST≥≥
good going brian!! you are quickly
escorted from the room!! NO sorry dave!! you UNDER ESTIMATED the TENSION
that’s not fair!! when you WOUND DOWN your MINIATURE CATA-
MAGIC means NO MAGIC!! i don’t think you made that PULT!! it HURTLES you face-first into the FAR WALL of
you can try again tomorrow!! POINT really clear!! the COURT YARD!! you take 93 POINTS of DAMAGE
from the impact as your cranium and jaw are shattered,
your nose is broken and your left eyeball is DANGLING
from its socket!! make a note on your character sheet that
i guess it’s up to me, huh? hey maybe it’s a EL RAVAGER no longer has any front TEETH!!
TRICK!! maybe the RUG is an ILLUSION don’t worry!!
and THEREFORE it’s impossible to BEAR i’m GOOD don’t sweat it dave!! that was
DOWN ON IT!! i’ll take a chance and just at solving THE OPAL!! TWENTY REVOLUTIONS on the
walk out and pick up the OPAL!! these did i manage GEAR!! next time we’ll knock it
MENTAL to grab the down to ⁄° and see what happens!
PUZZLES!! OPAL on my
this prompts ANOTHER good try! i’ll get it way over it?? look at it this way, dave. you
round of laughter! that eventually! left your MARK on this town.
was your ONE ATTEMPT!
no, i’m
sorry,
dave!!

DAY TWELVE OF THE CONTEST≥≥ STUPID MONKEY!! he was supposed to climb up the wall and OUT
of the courtyard and meet me back at my room later with the OPAL!!.
brian as you release your TRAINED
MONKEY he runs out onto the carpet picks
up the OPAL and runs back and hands it to okay, BRUTIS the BLACK-
you!! the OTHER contestants ROAR with they won’t allow me to i’m going to
SMITH is going to THROW me use STILTS huh?? oh
PROTEST!! the guards grab the OPAL and over the RUG!! i’m using my CAP compare
put it BACK in the GOBLET!! the MONKEY well. it was worth a try. notes with
as a small net to SCOOP UP
walked on the carpet thus breaking the the OPAL as I sail past!! that old
rules!! you should have known that!! man!!

sorry dave!! BRUTIS only has a fi

INTELLIGENCE!! he didn’t quite
understand your instructions! you
SOAR toward that FAMILIAR
indentation in the wall for
FORTY POINTS of DAMGE¡

THREE HOURS LATER≥≥

ok guys i think i finally got a handle on it. once we correct for the
TORSIONAL DEFORMATION on the PRINCIPAL SUPPORT
PYLONS, we can get down to calculating the MAXIMUM HORI-
ZONTAL COMPONENT OF TENSION on the ropes we’re using as
support members. dave, what’s the HYPERBOLIC COSINE of 234.56
times the LOGARITHM of the square root of 138.22?
whoa there BIG GUY!! i
can’t do logarithms on this
ZZZZZ little calculator.

21
 LATER THAT NIGHT≥≥≥
looks like i put on my TOOL BELT for nothing.
i TOLD you guys they wouldn’t let us do it!
sorry guys, when the wagon load of
TIMBERS arrive and you begin to THIS SUCKS!!! there was
OFF LOAD the GUARDS halt you!! nothing in the rules about
they are NOT going to allow you to NOT building BRIDGES11
build a SUSPENSION BRIDGE in can we take a break?
the COURT YARD over the rug!! MY HEAD HURTS!!

LATER THAT NIGHT≥≥≥

hey, you’ll NEVER guess who took the PART
TIME JOB on DAY SHIFT!! turns out it’s....
hey guys! sorry i’m late. SQUIRRELY
wouldn’t get back in his cage and the bat- yeah we’ve been trying to solve this
teries on the CATTLE PROD were DEAD!! dude are we GLAD to see PUZZLE all night. we’re STUMPED!!
i had to go buy a bag of TIC-TAC TACO, you!! we need a FRESH
“DOUBLE-CHEESEYS” and THROW them in PERSPECTIVE !!
his cage to COAX him back in. b.a. is playing HEAD GAMES
with us. it’s OBVIOUSLY
unsolvable!
cattle prod?? HUH?

we’ve been trying to get this stupid ⁄‚≤‚‚‚ GOLD PIECE don’t even bother bob!! it’s just some LAME
GEMSTONE off this stupid RUG in this contest. trouble is they NO-SOLVER that B≥A≥ threw at us to keep
have all these STUPID RULES so it’s impossible to SOLVE!! us OCCUPIED until you showed up!!

we RACKED our brains!! we’ve

CONTEST?? you say it’s tried EVERYTHING¡¡
some kind of PUZZLE??
give me ALL the DETAILS!!

let me bring you

up to speed bob...

22
AFTER B.A. EXPLAINS THE RULES≥≥≥
well...let me start with the MOST OBVIOUS
solution. i kneel down on my KNEES at the edge
of the RUG and begin to ROLL IT UP!! when i get
¿¿¿¡¡¡
to the MIDDLE i’ll reach over and PICK up the
GOBLET and OPAL!!

THAT”S IT!! the OPAL and

GOBLET are YOURS!!

sorry dudes!! sometimes it

just, “TAKES A THIEF!!”

A FEW MINUTES LATER≥≥≥

of course they TORE UP your CHARACTER DICE MAN??
SHEET and DUMPED SODA down the PARDON ME??
front of your pants, BOB!! announcing that who cares? they’ll get over it!!
KNUCKLES wasn’t going to SHARE the i had a tough week
OPAL with the others was bad enough but and this was JUST the
climbing up on the table and doing sort of thing i needed!!
ÆKOO KOO-KACHOO, I AM FORGET IT!! just my
the MOCKING JIG would have way of saying there’s NO
pushed ANYONE over the edge!! THE DICE MANÆ MY ASS¡¡
PLACE like HOME!!
you’re lucky to be ALIVE!!

23
The Unexpected Encounter By JOLLY R. BLACKBURN

WEIRD PETE’S
“We’re gonna HACK your WORLD” THE BA T TL E OF
Drop-N-Drag World Builder Kits.
OFFICIAL HACKMASTER™ BROKEN MACE PASS™ ™

TOURNEY SITE
MORNIN’ SIR !!! can
i help you find anything? A NEW BattleHack™
“BattlePack™” ready to
OPE drag-and-drop into your
N HackMaster Campaign!!

D!
PART TIME HELP WANTE Hard 8 Enterprises
®

SEE THE MAN INSIDE!!

“What do you want to Hack today?”™
NO CAMERAS!!
NO PRESS!!

yeah, i’d like to.... uh.... er...hey. where’s yeah, i’m B≥A≥ everyone knows me around here. i’m was
BOB?? i thought he was working today. one of PETE’S first customers!! say....you look kinda
familiar too. what did you say your name was??
he doesn’t come in until 5::30!! well, we were bound to run into each other
EVENTUALLY¡ someone pointed you out to
i see. hey, i’m B.A. FELTON! me at HACKCON last month. i’ll be honest
i guess yer the guy who took the - i steered a WIDE BERTH around you to
OTHER part time position, eh? avoid a PUBLIC CONFRONTATION.

avoid a confrontation??
felton?? THEE b.a. felton?? uh....have we met before???
i THOUGHT you looked familiar.

DO NOT PRACTICE DO NOT PRACTICE

YOUR THIEF YOUR THIEF
SKILLS IN MY SKILLS IN MY
STORE - I WILL STORE - I WILL
PROSECUTE YOU!! PROSECUTE YOU!!

have we met?? gee, i dunno!! if we did, i’m

sure you wouldn’t have remembered. after
all i’m JUST a.....gee, how did that go.... SLACKMOZER¿¿¡¡
“GARY-WANNA-BE trying that’s right!
to make a NAME FOR
MYSELF slinging DICE EARL JULIUS
and GRAPH PAPER¡¡”† SLACKMOZER¡¡

??!! sprut.....sputter....ferp.....erk...

now that we’ve FINALLY met - i got

a few things i’d like to SAY to you!!

CONTINUED NEXT ISSUE≥≥≥

† See KODT#9:GameMaster of the Realm 24
 News, Rumors and Industry Buzz plucked
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MONOPOLY®
HEA RD IT ON THE GAME VINE

• Charles Darrow, an unemployed heating engineer from Germantown,

Pennsylvania brought Monopoly® to Parker Brothers in 1935.
• Monopoly® was originally rejected by Parker Brothers for containing 52 "fun-
damental errors".
• More than 80 million Monopoly® sets have been sold worldwide.
• Monopoly® is marketed in 27 countries and is printed in 15 languages.
• The street names in the American Monopoly® are taken from Atlantic City,
New Jersey and in the standard Australian game from London. (An Australian
Edition is now available with place names from Australian cities.)
• There is $15,140 in play money in every standard set.

HEY KIDS!! • Each year Parker Brothers prints more than $40 million worth of Monopoly®
money - more than double the amount printed annually by the U.S. Mint.
Be a KODT
GameVine Cub
Nuclear War™ Catches Up With the Times
Reporter!! Flying Buffalo recently announced that they plan to release an "India/Pakistan
Send your news items to Variant” for their popular card game, Nuclear War. Rick Loomis of FBI said, “The
variant will probably be another Zip-loc’ed bag specialty item that we probably won't
[email protected] release through the distribution channels and will be available at only at conventions
or directly from us on our webpage. We aren't done playtesting yet, but we figure it
will sell for $5 and we will release it first at Gencon. This variant will require the use
HE SOLD YOU YOUR of India Rails from Mayfair Games which is also going to be released at Gencon!
FIRST GAME!!! (Actually it is more of a variant for India Rails that makes use of Nuclear War
cards.) For more information you can contact Rick Loomis at [email protected].
HE’S THE ONLY
GAMESTORE BUDDY Archangel Entertainment Announces New Product
YOU GOT!! Ken Whitman and his wife recently announced the birth of their firstchild. Aleandra
Rey Whitman was born on was born on Tuesday, July 14, 1998. She must take after
dad - Aleandra weighed in at 9lb 7 oz and 22" long. At press time there was no word
of her hit points or secondary skills.

Clockworks “Declassifies” New Game

Clockworks, the maker of the dark-future roleplaying game Asylum, recently
announced details about its new game (to be released at GenCon ‘98). For several
months the company has been leaking only hints and clues, stating that all other infor-
mation was "highly classified." It has dropped the veil of secrecy to reveal - Spookshow!
Spookshow is about ghosts who have discovered how to resume mortal form and
who have returned to the world to play at living normal lives again. These ghosts have
even taken on an occupation, one that is both highly exciting and well-suited to their
SSUPPORT YOUR unusual abilities. They have become spies.For more information and a look at some of
GAMESHOP the graphics, visit the Clockworks webpage at http://www.iloveusa.com/Clockworks/

A Moment in
Gaming History #12
Cosmo Berent was a soft-spoken accountant at NBC Studios in
New York CIty in 1956. Television was in it’s infancy and Peck the
daydreamer used to spend his lunch hour eating his salami on rye
on a quiet bench outside Milton Berle’s sound studio longing for a
chance to get a foot in the door.
One day, in a flash of inspiration, Cosmo struck upon the idea of
creating “video games” by using the same technology which
beamed Uncle Milty into homes across America to create a new
medium people could interact with and play games on. For six
years Cosmo Berent worked on his vision. Unfortuanately, he died
of a massive coronary in July of 1961 - his work incomplete.
While going through his belongings, co-workers stumbled upon
one of the ‘playing fields’ Cosmo had designed for one of his games
“Video BullsEye”. As a memorial to their fallen comrade, they snuck
the playing field into the studios and when the daily broadcast
ended they televised it. the conspirators offered an on-the-fly explanation,
The next moring when an NBC exec demanded to know what the “uh...er....it’s a test pattern sir.” The explanation was accept-
strange image was which was being broadcast after hours one of ed and thus the ‘test pattern’ was born.
from the vine for your reading enjoyment
Origins Awards Winners Announced at Origins 98!
t a gala ceremony BEST STRATEGY COMPUTER BEST GRAPHIC PRESENTATION BEST SCIENCE FICTION

A at the
O r i g i n s
1998

International Game Expo and Fair,

GAME
Sid Meier's Gettysburg
Designers: Sid Meier, Jeff Briggs,
OF A CARD GAME
Shadowrun Trading
Card Game Limited Edition
OR FANTASY FIGURE MINIATURE
Sisters of Battle Battle Squad
(Seraphin)
the Academy of Adventure Brian Reynolds Graphic Designers: Jim Nelson, Designer: Jes Goodwin
Gaming Arts & Design announced Firaxis Mike Nielsen Games Workshop
the winners of the 1997 Origins FASA Corp.
Awards, the premier awards for BEST AMATEUR BEST VEHICULAR MINIATURE
design and production excellence in GAME MAGAZINE BEST GAME-RELATED SHORT Call of Cthulhu Roadster
adventure games. Starry Wisdom WORK Designer: Bob Murch
Editors: Dustin Wright, Eric Vogt, A Forty Share in Innsmouth RAFM
BEST ABSTRACT BOARD GAME Shannon Appel, Drashi Khendup Author: C.J. Henderson
Kill Doctor Lucky Chaosium, Inc. Chaosium BEST HISTORICAL MINIATURES
Designer: James Ernest RULES
Cheapass Games BEST PROFESSIONAL BEST ROLEPLAYING Flint & Steel
GAME MAGAZINE ADVENTURE Designer: Richard Kane
BEST HISTORICAL Knights of the Dinner Table Independence Day Clash of Arms Games
BOARD GAME Magazine Designers: Chris Snyder,
Successors Developers: Jolly Blackburn, Brian Matt Forbeck BEST SCIENCE FICTION OR
Designers: Mark Simonitch, Jelke, Steve Johansson, David Pinnacle Entertainment Group, Inc. FANTASY MINIATURES RULES
Richard Berg Kenzer Deadlands: the Great Rail Wars
The Avalon Hill Game Company Kenzer and Company BEST ROLEPLAYING Designer: Shane Lacy Hensley
SUPPLEMENT Pinnacle Entertainment Group, Inc.
BEST SCIENCE FICTION BEST TRADING CARD GAME Delta Green
OR FANTASY BOARD GAME Shadowrun Trading Designers: Dennis Detwiller, Adam BEST NEW PLAY-BY-MAIL GAME
Roborally Grand Prix Card Game Limited Edition Scott Glancy Pagan Publishing Middle-earth PBM Fourth Age
Designers: Glenn Elliot, Adam Designers: Mike Nielsen, Circa 1000
Conus, Tom Wylie Jim Nelson, Mike Mulvihill BEST ROLEPLAYING GAME Designers: William B. Feild Jr., Peter
Wizards of the Coast FASA Corp. L5R Roleplaying Game G. Stassun
Designer: Dave Williams Game Systems, Inc.
BEST GRAPHIC PRESENTATION BEST TRADITIONAL CARD GAME Alderac Entertainment Group
OF A BOARD GAME(TIE) Give Me the Brain BEST ONGOING PLAY-BY-MAIL
Wadjet: a Family Adventure Game Designer: James Ernest BEST GRAPHIC PRESENTATION GAME
Graphic Designer: Dee Pomerleau Cheapass Games OF A ROLEPLAYING GAME, Star Web
Timbuk II, Inc. ADVENTURE, OR SUPPLEMENT Designer: Rick Loomis
& BEST CARD GAME In Nomine Flying Buffalo, Inc.
Successors EXPANSION OR SUPPLEMENT Graphic Designers: Jeff Koke,
Graphic Designer: Kurt Miller L5R:Time of the Void Derek Pearcy, Dan Smith BEST ACTION COMPUTER GAME
The Avalon Hill Game Company Designer: Dave Williams Steve Jackson Tomb Raider
Five Rings Publishing Eidos Software
BEST ROLEPLAYING COMPUTER BEST HISTORICAL FIGURE
GAME Final Fantasy VII BEST GAME-RELATED NOVEL MINIATURES SERIES OF 1997
Eidos Software Planar Powers Charlie Company U.S. Army
Author: J. Robert King Figures
TSR, Inc. Designer: Bob Murch
RAFM

KODT ON THE ROAD FIELD REPORT: ORIGINS ‘98

I
was a bit concerned with the fact that at least one new game). It was really interested in freelancing or breaking into
ORIGINS was on the Fourth of July easy at this show with all the free demos the hobby game industry on your own,
weekend but soon realized what bet- going on. this show is a great opportunity to rub
ter way to celebrate freedom than to play For those of you who collect KODT
a war game with miniatures and dice? elbows with many of the key players in
stuff, everyone who attended the show the business. It seemed to me that the
Despite the atmosphere of doom and was entitled to collect a registration bag
gloom in the hobby game industry, ORI- that had an original KODT strip on it and business discussions only stopped long
GINS was a success. Andon, the com- contained freebies including a Monty enough to decide what game to play
pany that runs the show, said preliminary next. The Hyatt Lounge is a great place
figures indicated that attendance was up Python booster pack. For those of you
for after-hours pick up games and social-
Art by Jerry Elmore ©1998

10% from last year. The KCO booth was you like us!! you really,
hopping with Bernard Menke being the really, like us!! i’d like izing with friends you haven't seen in a
first lucky fan to kiss the fish while Mike to thank everyone here while. The ORIGINS Awards were a
Mendoza later added some tongue. I who i will now mention blast. Many thanks to all the fans who
love all our wacky fans. Keep stopping by by name... gary jackson,
parker posey, allowed me to go up and accept the KODT
to share your stories and antics with us. blah blah blah. award on behalf of the whole development
Tons of gaming events kept the show
bustling at all hours. I even learned to team. HOODY HOO!
play Lunch Money. (This is one of my Brian Jelke accepting the Brian Jelke
goals in going to any con – learn to play Origins Award on behalf of KenzerCo The Sixth Knight
 now that we are monthly, we need your ideas and suggestions for KODT STORies MORE
THAN EVER!! what are you waiting for?? this could be just the thing you’ve been waiting
for - your name in bold letters on cheesy newsprint for all the world to see!!! photo-
copy this page and write your own classic KODT story ideas. Mail your entry* to
KODT: 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION INDIANA, 46953
KODT IDEA SEARCH

* The Fine Print: All entries become the property of Kenzer and Company. By submitting your story line, you hereby assign
all right title and interest in and to the story to Kenzer and Company. If your idea is used you will receive a free, autographed
copy of the issue in which it appears. By returning this form with your submission, you agree to be bound by these terms.
L
ast year it was two big volcano disaster movies (Volcano—The
Coast is Toast, the first to appear, and Dante’s Peak, the sec-
ond to appear and a far superior movie). This year it is two big
giant-rock-falling-from-the sky-movies repeating the sequence,
which says a lot about the copycat nature of Hollywood and some-
thing about how screenplays get written or re-written. Stories just
don’t flow from the pen or word-processor from scene one to final
credits as the ideas occur to the author. Often, they flow from a big
idea (man travels into the future and comes upon earth, which is run

A GAMER’S VIEW OF THE MOVIES

by apes—hence, Planet of the Apes and four sequels/prequels which
explain how this could come about). Even more often, I suspect, they
flow from ideas for a couple of really neat scenes or lines of dialogue,
with everything else created to get to and from those couple of ideas.
For example, supposedly Lucas and Spielberg conceived Raiders of filming. Who cares if you can’t see an asteroid from earth, so long as
the Lost Ark during a walk on a beach in Hawaii around two key you have it sweep through the asteroid belt, picking up assorted clut-
ideas: (1) a horse/car chase in which the horseman jumps from the ter and debris that help make it look really cool from space and give
horse to the vehicle; and (2) the notion that if the government ever got you some chunks of rock that have had their orbits disrupted so that
hold of the most important secret in the world, they would just file it they hit Earth ahead of the asteroid, so you get those nifty earth-
away with all their other secrets (the final warehouse scene). impact special effects with (gasp!) a semi-plausible explanation of
Everything else, the use of the Ark of the Covenant, the headpiece to how that could happen. Who cares that a crummy comet iceball
the staff, the Nazis, etc. was built around those two ideas (don’t ask could be vaporized by nukes, when you instead have a huge, iron ore
for my source on this, it was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away containing asteroid the size of Texas (although the effects could do a
that I heard it). It’s a fine way to write (I’ve used it for columns and better job of conveying sheer size and mass). Who cares that the
modules, myself) as long as it is not glaringly obvious by the fact that movie contrives to have non-astronauts go into space (for both comic
everything else seems so artificial and contrived. and dramatic effect) when they bother to explain why the nuke needs
Though I can’t say that Deep Impact was written this way, you to be dropped into a hole drilled into the asteroid with an explanation
can almost imagine as it progresses the mindless studio execs outlin- even the junior high school dropouts can understand at a visceral
ing the movie. The sequence seems to go something like this: 1. We level (cause they probably played with fireworks). Imagine, a disas-
need a new action/disaster movie, but floods, fires, earthquakes, and ter movie with decent comic relief because of good writing and
volcanoes have all been done recently. 2. This whole dinosaur thing because the producers bothered to spend enough on acting talent to
lately has focused a lot of attention on the fact that the dinosaurs were get decent comic delivery! I also loved the fairly inconspicuous nods
wiped out when a big, 7-mile diameter rock hit earth from space, so to such movies as The Right Stuff and Godzilla and the fact that the
let’s do a modern version of that. 3. Asteroids are hard to detect and “dinosaur killer” comet is shown landing in the right spot (of course,
not very visually scary, so let’s use a comet—they’ve been in the the continental outlines would have been somewhat different then).
news lately. 4. Gee, if it hits, it kills everyone on earth, which is not No, Armageddon is not perfect by any means. There are too
really a very happy ending, but if it misses, we don’t get to do very many flames flickering in vacuum, too much wind and too much
many cool special effects, like tidal waves and explosions, so let’s gravity (although they do their best to explain the apparent gravity),
have two comets, one that hits (the smaller one) and one that misses the drilling crew’s antics are just a little too outrageous (even though
(the bigger one, which we destroy through scientific ingenuity and the script tries to explain one particularly egregious example by
last minute bravado). 5. Oh yeah, let’s appeal to broader demo- invoking “space dementia”), the quakes and rock showers are too
graphics by putting in a schmaltzy family touchy-feely storyline conveniently timed, and the crew is too unhurried for the deadline
(good for hooking the chicks) and a plan to hide some people (cho- they had and the importance of the mission. The ending was also
sen by lottery) in caves that excludes old folks (great for the teen pretty obvious and I really, really wanted Rockhound (Buscemi’s
audience). 6. Finally, let’s cast a bunch of unknowns (or at least TV character) to do something. . .anything. . .courageous or heroic in the
people playing to their TV character type) to keep costs down for movie (like what Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis’ character) does at the
more effects. Everything in Deep Impact seems to spring from this end of the film). I also did not find it very credible that a wildcatter
outline. would fire a shotgun repeatedly and haphazardly on an oil drilling
The result is a disappointing movie with a few nice effects. Never platform (gee, they use brass tools to avoid even accidental sparks) or
mind that the science of the movie is mostly either unexplained or that the crew for the upcoming space mission to save the planet would
hokey, violating the laws of inertia and motion with a totally inex- be let loose for a night on the town without apparent supervision.
plicable timeline for the arrival of the two comets sprung from one. Despite all this, the movie delivered decent action with decent plau-
Never mind that the whole national lottery thing is inadequately sibility, some really good humor, and even some fine sentimental
explained and tactically oversimplified. Never mind that some of the pathos. Hey, it’s not Die Hard, Star Wars, or Titanic, but those are
scenes are laughably unrealistic (buses going to pick up the chosen tough standards to live up to, and Armageddon still is a big step up
few for the caves; the army allowing crowds to press the gates just from Deep Impact. How can I say this when both movies have some
outside the caves and climb the fences without shooting anyone; unbelievable science and plot issues? Because when Deep Impact
geeky kid rides scooter through panic stricken streets to fetch the girl wasn’t being stupid, it was boring. When Armageddon wasn’t being
next store without the bike being taken from him, etc., etc.). Never wrong, it was exciting and funny (and they at least tried to explain
mind that comets are generally made up of mostly rock and ice and most of the non-credible stuff in a way that seemed semi-plausible as
that a seven-mile diameter comet could be vaporized by any of the the movie hurtled along at breakneck speed).
several nuclear explosions the comet survives through in the movie. If you are interested in a truly excellent giant-rock-falling-from-
Never mind that the pacing of the movie is tediously slow and that no the-sky story, read Lucifer’s Hammer, a sci-fi classic by Niven and
one cares whether the spunky news reporter reconciles with her Dad Pournelle. On the other hand, avoid at all costs any and all made-for-
or not. Oh, and let’s not forget that our heroic space crew has spare TV movies on the subject (with their terrible writing, terrible science,
nukes, but inexplicably does nothing with them for days and days and and terrible effects); they make Deep Impact look intelligent and
days, so theycan save the earth at the last possible second. Yawn. exciting when it actually had almost no impact at all. ❑
Maybe Armageddon started out with a similar studio outline, but
it is so much better in execution—from writing to acting to effects to
 Life’s a
BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS RAT BASTARD: Fix for a King
Game!!
PLAY!! Crucial Comics
13 Dogwood Drive, Edison, NJ 09920
E-mail: [email protected]
Price: $2.75 (32 pages)

I was first attracted to this full-

color glossy comic by its title and
the fact that it’s small press/inde-
pendent (print run 10k just like
KoDT!). The excellent artwork kept
me interested, but the story is what
really made me scream for more.
Set in the future, our hero is a well
armed, mutant rat (experimental
life-form) with an attitude. You
should pick up a copy of Rat
Bastard. Not only will you be sup-
porting another small
presser/Independent, but I really
think you’ll enjoy the story, and like
me, will be left wanting more.

Brian’s Rating: Gotta Have It!!

SEEKING AGENT X: The Logic Game

Infidium Games
Phone: (612) 377-7690
Address Unavailable at Press Time.
Here’s a fun little game with an interesting gimmick. It’s played
using the personal columns from any local newspaper. Each player
is a Spy and conceals a set of 4 cards (age, gender and two per-
sonality traits). These cards make up the player’s ‘secret identity’.
Players read personal ads to their opponents who must answer
with the number of cards in their ‘secret identity’ which match the
characteristics in the ad.
Your job is to identify the other secret agents and eliminate them.
This is a great party game and plays best with 6 players. (you can
also play with six teams.) If you like party games like Pictionary,
Outburst and Scattergories then you’ll love this game.
Brian’s Rating: Check it out!

LOWENHERZ: The Boundaries of Power

Rio Grand Games
1804 Platte River Road, Rio Rancho, NM 87124
E-mail: [email protected]

The back of the box reads, “The King lies near death and
the princes are all vying to succeed him. To succeed the
King, a prince must show his ability to accumulate power.”
That’s what this game is all about – accumulating (and
holding onto) POWER!! What more can a power-gamer ask
for? This has to be one of the most beautifully produced
boardgames I’ve seen in years. The quality of the compo-
nents has to be seen to be believed. The game can be
played by 2 to 4 players and takes about an hour to play.
Each player takes on the role of a prince struggling to
expand his control over his region and increase his power.
Each player has three castles, but only one has the stable
boundaries that allow him to control the territory surround-
ing that castle. The other castles lie in territory that is con-
tested by other princes (players). Each prince gains power
by adding territory to a stable region or making the region
surrounding one of his castles stable. The more territory
added or stabilized - the more power gained.

Brian’s Rating: Kick Ass!!

KODT T-SHIRTS!!! WHAT EVERY RABID-KODT FAN IS WEARING!!

K nights of the D inner T able ™ $19.95

+ $3 s/h

WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD

KICK
ASS!!

KODT T-Shirts are now available!! Classic black with the above
strip in white. Size XL only. Available exclusively from Kenzer and
Company. Our mail order address is listed below. KEWL!!

ATTENTION GPA MEMBERS!!! Place an ad in WEIRD McBain,

PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD. It’s an inexpensive way to reach your target audi- From the edge of the oasis near the three Infernal
ence. YOU’RE READIN’ THIS AIN’T YA??? (contact Gates, you alone can gaze upon remembered vistas
Mr. Ashton at [email protected] for an ad rate sheet) from a life before AK.
Merentiti

KODT Buyers Guild CONVENTION ORGANIZERS!!

Are you interested in having a special
KODT VIP [Jolly Blackburn or one of
the other KODT DEE-TEAM members] at your
con? Can you cover travel & lodging? If so,
contact BRIAN JELKE at
[email protected]
or (650) 233-8270 with convention dates,
location and projected attendance.
KODT FANS!! Jolly Blackburn will be
a Special Guest at PentaCon XIV.
HEY HACKJOCKIES!! ( Fri-Sun, Nov 13-15 1998 )
Join the KODT BUYERS GUILD The Grand Wayne Center
and SAVE BIG!! 120 West Jefferson Boulevard
Fort Wayne, Indiana

J
oining this exclusive members-only organization
entitles you to special deals on Kenzer and
Web Site:
http://www2.fwi.com/~dht/PENTACON/
Company’s entire line of quality gaming products.
Chairperson: David H. Ternes, [email protected]
Dealer Contact: Diane Vonderau,
• Kingdoms of Kalamar products 30% off.
[email protected]
Deluxe Boxed Campaign Setting for only $20.97* Games Contact: James A. Mishler, [email protected]
Tragedy in the House of Brodeln for only $6.97†
Secret Temple of Adajy for only $6.97† Over 900 gamers, game masters and dealers will be
Game Master’s Workshop attending. Over 150 Planned Gaming Events, including
vol 1: Beneath the Waves for only $6.97† miniature wargames; board, roleplaying and card
games; World of Darkness Shared Universe LARP,
• Free shipping on back issues of Knights of the Dinner Table Computer-networked gaming, a painting contest, cos-
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail CCG booster packs - $2.49‡
tume contest, door prizes, charity raffle, Klingon Jail-N-
Membership is opnly $10/year or FREE for subscribers to
Bail, Large dealers area.
Knights of the Dinner Table.
DOOR FEE COVERS ALL EVENTS!
To purchase any of these items, send a check or money order
(made payable to Kenzer and Company) to:
______________________ WEIRD PETE”S BULLETIN BOARD
Kenzer & Company is a meeting place where readers may pass along information,
Mail Order Fulfillments barter, trade and gossip. Readers are invited to place classified
ads, announce group meetings, seek out other players, etc.
2094 Camino a los Cerros, Menlo Park, CA 94025
_______________________ Subscribers of KODT may place classified ads free of charge with
or call in/fax/E-mail [[email protected]] a valid Visa, MasterCard, or a limit of one ad per issue and a maximum of twenty-five words.
Discover card number, your signature, card type and expiration date Non-Subscribers may place ads at the rate of 50¢ per word with a
to us at (650) 233-8270. Please mention “KBG-9”. limit of 25 words. Companies may place ads at the following rates:
[5.5” x 2” - $50], [2.75” x 2” - $25], [1.5” x 1” - $10]. Non-profit orga-
* $2 shipping and handling fee applies
nizations (serving the gaming community) and Conventions or
† $1 shipping and handling fee applies Seminars may place ads for free. All ads are placed on a first-come
‡ 25¢ shipping and handling fee per pack applies first-served basis with subscribers having priority.
 YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN WORKING FOR
THE GOVERNMENT TOO LONG WHEN...
• You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing • You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been
for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards (change long since canceled.
in: chain of command, job title, command or division • You stop raising issues/problems because you know you
renamed). will be the one answering them.
• The process becomes more important than the product. • You understand the rationalization of an acronym
• Meeting minutes become very important to you. comprised of acronyms.
• You often use the word SHALL while writing. • You believe that 40 hours charged to one code is lazy but
• You understand the reason for different colors of money. 40 hours charged to multiple codes is initiative.
• You know the proper number of blank spaces that should
PARTING SHOTS

• You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on

a subject you know nothing about. follow a roman numeral index.
• You feel you contributed to the meeting by simply being • You work for an acronym, on an acronym and your job title
there. is an acronym.
• You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually • Knowing that a squeaky wheel gets either oiled (good) or
you believe it is possible, just not yours. replaced (bad), you remain silent.

KEEPING THE ILLUSION GOING

TIPS ON MAKING YOUR BOSS(ES) THINK YOU’RE A MODEL EMPLOYEE

Never walk down the hall without a Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a
document in your hands voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,
- People with documents in their hands look like hardworking respond during lunch hour when it looks like you're hardwork-
employees heading for important meetings. ing and conscientious even though you're being a devious
- People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading weasel.
for the cafeteria. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming
- People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will
heading for the bathroom. greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at solution that doesn't involve you.
night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore
hours than you do. my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a
limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you
Use computers to look busy reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casu- any incoming messages.
al observer. You can send and receive personal E-mail, calculate If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your
your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mail-
remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal bene- box is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in
fits that everybody from the computer revolution envisioned, high demand.
but not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - Don’t have Voice Mail?? No Problem
your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the There are ways to work around this and still keep the illusion that
new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a you are ‘over worked and in high demand’ going.
loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you Keep a small piece of plastic wrap in your desk. If you have to
learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened answer the phone and it suddenly looks like some bastard is
salamander. about to dump work in your lap, simply pull out your bit of plas-
tic and place it over the mouth piece on the phone. Using your
thumb and index finger ‘crinkle’ the plastic and keep repeating
Messy Desk the phrase, “Hello?? [crackle, crinkle] HELLO? [crackle] I can’t
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest hear you!!! We must have a bad connection.”
of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge Now simply hang up the phone and take it off the hook for
piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last the next thirty minutes (The jerk is going to try and call you
year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that back right away).
counts. Pile them high and wide. Another useful trick is the “I gotta take this call!” ploy. As
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the doc- soon as you’ve identified an incoming call as ‘trouble’ simply act
ument you'll need halfway down in an existing stack. When as though you are very interested in what the caller is saying.
he/she arrives, you can turn around, reach for the correct stack, go Then quickly press and release the disconnect button. This
in at the right depth and extract the document. It will appear that effectively simulates the Call Waiting blip most people are famil-
you have an amazing memory and have things really organized. iar with. Wait about ten seconds and do it again then ask the
Voice Mail caller to hold while you take your other call. Wait a few seconds
Never, NEVER answer your phone if you have voice mail. and quickly come back with “I’m sorry! I have to take this call.
People don't call you just because they want to give you some- I’ve been waiting for it all day!!”
thing for nothing - they call because they want you to do work You’re now in the clear. Hang up and then take the phone off
for them. That's no way to live. the hook for thirty minutes.
 Collectible Card Game
6 4

Sir B. A. Felton Sir Brian VanHoose

“Yeah, Yeah, skip the flavor text.

“Because I’m the GM!” I just want to know if I survived.”
Knight(s) of the Dinner Table. Combat 4, Wits 2.
If Sir Brian loses a battle of wits he becomes enraged
Knight(s) of the Dinner Table. Combat 1, Wits 3.
and will immediately combat the adversary even if it has
no combat value (combat counted as 0 for adversary).

design © 1998 Kenzer & Co., All Rights Reserved design © 1998 Kenzer & Co., All Rights Reserved

5 6

Sir Dave Bozwell Sir Bob Herzog

“Let the dice fall where they may.”

“I live for Danger! I eat it for breakfast!”
Knight(s) of the Dinner Table. Combat 4, Wits 1.
Knight(s) of the Dinner Table. Combat 1, Wits 2.
If Sir Dave is in your Round Table your knights
If Sir Bob loses a battle of wits he becomes a page.
may not have wits with any adversary

design © 1998 Kenzer & Co., All Rights Reserved design © 1998 Kenzer & Co., All Rights Reserved

do you call a card game CUSTOMIZABLE because you get to decide

which cards to place in your deck? I DON’T!! MONTY PYTHON
AND THE HOLY GRAIL CCG is the only card game that not allows
but encourages you to truly customize your deck through the use of
WRITE YER OWN™ cards. here are four jokers i made for my own
deck. cut ‘em out and add ‘em to YOUR deck today!!
Available at better retailers or direct from Kenzer and Company.
60 card Starter Decks $10.95 15 card Booster Packs $3.45
Monty Python and the Holy Grail CCG is produced by Kenzer and Company, the exclusive holder of the worldwide card game license from Python
(Monty) pictures, Ltd. Card content and Design © Copyright 1998 Kenzer and Company. All rights reserved. Movie stills © NFTC Ltd.