8 - Magical Place Called Glendale
8 - Magical Place Called Glendale
8 - Magical Place Called Glendale
Written by
Sara Monge
Josh Dove
Stride Management
(323) 266-9249
[email protected]
INT. SOMEONE’S GARAGE - FLASHBACK - NIGHT
The door BANGS open and out steps KATE BENCOMO (12), Hapa, a
little shit. This won’t necessarily change with age.
KATE
It’s time we get serious here.
(pulling out a bottle)
Who’s up for Spin the Bottle?
She finally spots a girl in the corner who looks like she’s
about to bolt -- CHRISTINE BRODEUR (12), a little unsure of
herself. This also won’t necessarily change with age.
KATE (CONT'D)
Christine, what do you want?
CHRISTINE
To make my parents proud.
KATE
Jesus Christ. You’re such a fucking
Girl Scout.
CHRISTINE
I am though!
KATE
Do you remember how hot Devon
Russey was in PE after he won at
tetherball? What did you think?
2.
CHRISTINE
That I wanted to... lick the sweat
off of him. But only if he wanted.
KATE
Relax. This will be fun. All you
have to do is sit across from Devon
Russey and the bottle will land on
him. I had Regina rig it.
CHRISTINE
What? How?
REGINA
I put a rock in the bottle.
KATE
See? Now grab Devon and go get your
rocks off.
CHRISTINE
I don’t necessarily need him for
that, but sure.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
I-- no. I’m joking.
KATE
Why wouldn’t you need him...
CHRISTINE
(rambling)
I do! I don’t do that by myself,
obviously. I’m not like Jeremy, who
clearly can’t stop. I can stop
whenever I want. Not that I do
that. I’m not like Jeremy. It’s...
CHRISTINE
I know I’m gross and perverted. I
know. I don’t do it all the time.
(off Kate’s silence)
Please don’t tell anyone.
(more silence)
Kate, promise me?
KATE
(angry sings)
“Don't need make-up to cover
up/Being the way that you are is
enough/Everyone else in the room
can see it/Everyone else but you.”
That’s when the lawn mower hits a rock, SLAMMING Kate into
the handle. She collapses to the ground.
KATE (CONT'D)
Mother--!
RITA
White sneakers were a choice.
4.
KATE
You should really get a gardener or
something. This shit is gross.
RITA
Isn’t that what you’re for?
KATE
When I offered my services, I was
expecting to like organize your
closet. Do some inside work. Aren’t
you a hoarder?
RITA
If you’re not going to mow my lawn,
then I kindly ask you to get the
fuck off my property.
KATE
Aw Rita, I love that neighborly
spirit of yours.
(off Rita’s look)
All I’m saying is a heads up would
have been nice. These sneakers were
a thousand dollars.
RITA
For those?!
KATE
Relax, I didn’t pay for them.
RITA
Shouldn’t you be busy winning Prom
Queen? Or getting pregnant?
KATE
One: Did that last year. Two: Did
that last year.
(off Rita’s look)
Kidding! I was runner-up.
RITA
So what? Helping me is your penance
for coming in second?
KATE
I did something bad last weekend.
QUICK FLASH: A BOY (18) that Kate has sex with finishes with
an embarrassingly loud MOAN. He’s truly roaring. END FLASH.
KATE (CONT'D)
It’s maybe the worst thing I’ve
ever done. And trust me, I’ve done
some fucked up shit.
QUICK FLASH: From afar, Kate (12) watches Christine (12) open
her locker. A DOOR KNOB falls out. Someone coughs out, “Door
Knob Humper!” at Christine, prompting passing pre-teens to
LAUGH. Another person coughs out, “Pervert.” Devon (12) looks
at her, totally grossed out. Christine is CRUSHED. She
catches Kate’s eye, completely betrayed. END FLASH.
KATE (CONT'D)
I need to turn this ship around
before--
(gestures to the sky)
Climate change.
RITA
Huh. And all you had to do was mow
half a lawn? That's incredible.
Hey, maybe I'll mow the other half
and it’ll cure my cancer.
JERRI
Bencomo! You can’t give beer to a
woman with terminal liver cancer!
You are here to help.
KATE
I am! She’s dying anyway.
WAYS TO IMPROVE
1) Help Rita organize her closet???
2) Invite everyone to my parties
3) Donate (Dogs? Cancer? War?)
Kate pauses on this one. Crosses out the NEVER. Pauses again.
Which is better?
4) Never tell Regina what you did, but start doing more nice
things for her. Cupcakes?
5) Christine
Her JUNIOR MINIONS fan out behind Kate as they all pass out
FLIERS to passing students. People grab them like they’re
golden tickets.
KATE
Party tomorrow at my place. Niall
Horan from One Direction is going
to be there. Spread the word.
JUNIOR MINIONS
Spread the word.
KATE
Fuck.
Regina Shor (now 18) SNORTS from behind her. Yup, she
definitely just saw that whole thing. OF NOTE: Regina holds a
GOLDFISH IN A BAG.
REGINA
Kate, why are you inviting
Christine Brodeur to your party?
KATE
(embarrassed at being
caught)
Regina, why do you have a goldfish?
REGINA
Oh, this? It’s for the Keep a
Goldfish Alive Scholarship. Winner
gets two grand.
KATE
No. That doesn’t exist.
8.
REGINA
There are a lot of bullshit
scholarships no one applies for
because people think they’re too
stupid. Which is perfect for me.
KATE
For the last time, you’re not dumb!
You got into freaking UCLA!
REGINA
Any idiot can get into college.
This stings Kate, but we don’t know why yet. A GOTH KID
passes Kate and takes a flier. Off Regina’s look:
KATE
I need fliers because I don’t have
everyone’s numbers. I’m not
psychotic.
REGINA
Then don’t text everyone?
KATE
Regina, I’m trying to be inclusive.
Finally let everyone in on the fun.
REGINA
Christine’s not going to go. I
don’t even know why you’re trying.
KATE
I... we don’t know that for sure.
And even so, it’s the thought that
counts. Right?
REGINA
No.
KATE
No, it’s all about the gesture.
REGINA
Absolutely not. She hates you.
KATE
I only told two people she
masturbated! I wasn’t expecting
there’d then be a fucked up game of
Telephone. Door knob humper is
literally so stupid.
(then)
(MORE)
9.
KATE (CONT'D)
I just think it’d be nice to do
something nice.
KATE (CONT'D)
Okay, fuck you! I can be nice. I’m
literally planning on making you
cupcakes. At some point.
REGINA
What? Why? Are you okay?
KATE
I’m fine!
REGINA
You could just apologize to
Christine, you know.
KATE
She wouldn’t want to hear it.
REGINA
No, no. Not you, Steven. You’re too
busy fucking Monica FUCKING
Hutcherson to attend any more of
Kate’s parties.
REGINA (CONT'D)
Go play with your small dick, that
is if you can find it!
(to Kate)
Sorry, I know I should be over it
by now. I’ll get there.
Her mom, MEGAN BRODEUR (also late 30s), would have been in a
sorority if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, comes home early.
She’s surprised to see Christine here.
MEGAN BRODEUR
Christine, what are you doing here?
CHRISTINE
Seniors get to leave school for
lunch. You know that.
MEGAN BRODEUR
Do you come here every day?
JEREMY BRODEUR
We’ve been honoring Luke Perry’s
memory with a re-watch.
CHRISTINE
Dad! Have a backbone.
JEREMY BRODEUR
I’m sorry, honey. You know I’m
physically incapable of lying.
MEGAN BRODEUR
Christine, go interact with people
your own age.
CHRISTINE
School is over in two months. I’ll
just meet people at Stanford.
MEGAN BRODEUR
I met your dad at a party two weeks
before we graduated high school.
JEREMY BRODEUR
The best one night stand I’ve had.
(off Christine’s horror)
I’m physically incapable of lying!
What do you want me to do?
CHRISTINE
My classmates are... How do I put
this mildly? Psychopaths.
JEREMY BRODEUR
It’s been a couple years since
you’ve found a door knob in your
locker. Perhaps people have
forgotten.
CHRISTINE
Sad. I was getting a real
collection going.
MEGAN BRODEUR
What about the Robotics Club?
They’re your friends.
CHRISTINE
Not really. All we talk about is
robotics. And that’s it. We won the
BattleBots competition a month ago
and they’re still making
adjustments to it. We already won!
MEGAN BRODEUR
They’re... dedicated.
CHRISTINE
I asked Rinaldi what his favorite
movies were and he said AI,
I,Robot, and Wall-E. Come on!
MEGAN BRODEUR
As your mother--
CHRISTINE
I’m calling social services!
MEGAN BRODEUR
I’m ordering you to go MINGLE.
CHRISTINE
Ugh!
Devon Russey.
KATE
Christine! Watch the fucking--
DEVON
Woah, woah. Are you guys okay?
Devon helps both girls out of their cars. Kate nurses her
shoulder.
KATE
Fucking ballsack.
CHRISTINE
I’m so sorry. I guess I wasn’t
paying attention.
KATE
Oh, you were. Just not to me.
DEVON
What were you paying attention to?
13.
CHRISTINE
A dog. A, uh, hot dog...
DEVON
Are you sure you’re okay?
CHRISTINE
Really, I’m--
(off Devon’s stunning
eyes)
Ah.
(sudden shift to Kate)
Let me see your arm.
KATE
It’s fine. I deserved this.
DEVON
And why is that?
KATE
You know, Devon Russey, I’ve
sacrificed some virgins over the
years and it didn’t please the Gods
like I had thought-- OW!!!
CHRISTINE
My dad and I used to play Airplane
when I was a kid and every time my
arm would pop out of it’s socket.
So I learned how to pop it back in.
KATE
I thought you were squeamish. Do
you remember when I convinced you I
was a robot in a skin suit after we
saw Terminator and I would threaten
to peel back my skin? You were so
freaked out.
CHRISTINE
Yes. We were twelve.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
I’m going to pay for your car
repairs and any medical bills. So
you know.
KATE
Seriously, it’s chill.
CHRISTINE
Chill? I hit you with two-tons of
accelerating metal.
KATE
I have money shooting out of my
asshole. We’ll just call this even.
CHRISTINE
Even?
KATE
Yeah. This is like the universe
balancing itself out.
CHRISTINE
You’re straining your arm.
KATE
I’m not! It feels fine.
CHRISTINE
The nurse is going to walk back in
any minute.
KATE
Buzzkill.
15.
KATE (CONT'D)
Hey, you should come to my party
tomorrow night.
(off her silence)
I was going to invite you before
the two-tons of accelerating metal
bit. I’m inviting everyone, to
clarify. I’m just trying to do
something nice. For everyone.
CHRISTINE
And you thought of me?
KATE
Yeah!
CHRISTINE
Even though we haven’t spoken a
single word to each other in six
years?
KATE
Yeah...
CHRISTINE
I’m working on something with the
Robotics Club that night.
KATE
On a Saturday night? Didn’t you
guys just win that Battle Robot
thing-a-ma-jig?
(off Christine’s look)
I read it in the school paper.
(then)
I’m just saying, I know you have
other interests besides that. You
can’t be working all the time.
KATE (CONT'D)
Niall Horan is going to be at my
house. Singing. You don’t want to
miss that.
CHRISTINE
Who’s that?
16.
KATE
From One Direction??? It’s
literally going to be a free One
Direction concert.
CHRISTINE
Actually, I’ll pay. Would you take
thirty-three door knobs? You know,
so we’re even.
DEVON (O.S.)
Hello? Is anyone here?
Devon and SAI LAMBA (18), Indian, life of the party, stand at
the front desk, which is currently unoccupied.
SAI
My dad just found out you’re in the
school musical and he thinks that’s
going to make me gay.
DEVON
Well, my singing does have that
effect on people.
SAI
This is serious, dude. He’s not
going to let me come with you to
Kate’s party tomorrow.
DEVON
Tell him I’m not going anymore. You
can’t miss 1D just because he
thinks we’re fucking.
DEVON (CONT'D)
Hello? Devon and Sai here.
Kate’s about to walk out front and say hi, but Christine
holds her back. Kate shoots her a questioning look.
17.
SAI
What are we doing here?
DEVON
I’m worried Christine has a head
injury. She could barely speak when
I was there.
SAI
Christine who?
DEVON
Brodeur.
SAI
Oh right. Didn’t you have a thing
for her at one point?
DEVON
In like seventh grade. And then
something happened with a door
knob?
SAI
How’s that even work? Like is she
tall enough to--
DEVON
It looks like no one’s here. Maybe
they left.
SAI
Do you think I should roll into
oncoming traffic before I go home?
KATE
Christine, wait. That was huge. You
actually had a chance.
18.
CHRISTINE
Not anymore.
KATE
If he liked you once, he could like
you again. You gotta go for it.
CHRISTINE
No.
KATE
Why not? You literally hit me with
your car because you couldn’t take
your eyes off of him.
CHRISTINE
You need to stop what you’re doing.
KATE
What?
CHRISTINE
Talking to me like the last six
years didn’t happen. Are you
insane?
KATE
(winks)
Clinically.
KATE (CONT'D)
Wait, I just-- I can help you.
CHRISTINE
What?
KATE
We both know my resume shows I’m
expertly qualified here. I’ve dated
five guys in the last three years
and four of them were hot.
CHRISTINE
Of course you would view that as a
resume. Instead of one that
actually matters.
KATE
This matters. College is a scam,
which is why I didn’t apply.
19.
KATE (CONT'D)
You can’t ignore this. He liked
you. Something you dreamt about
every day of seventh grade. And it
turns out it was real.
CHRISTINE
Was!
KATE
It could be “is.” Feelings from
seventh grade don’t just change.
CHRISTINE
Believe me, that is so not true.
KATE
You’ll always wonder “what if” if
you don’t try.
CHRISTINE
Helping me now won’t make up for
the fact that you didn’t apologize
when I needed it the most. It’s all
I needed.
QUICK FLASH: Back to Spin the Bottle. The bottle has just
landed on Kate. Both girls go beet red as everyone ooh’s.
REGINA
DO IT!!!!!! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
RITA
I had big plans to bring my TV into
my bathroom and watch Wheel of
Fortune in the bath. Big plans.
KATE
Really sorry me getting hit by a
car has ruined your day.
20.
RITA
I’m just saying, your mom promised
me this would be a hands-off
situation.
KATE
Look, she comes back in two days
and then you can go back to being a
prune-y, drunk asshole. Lucky you.
Kate looks out the window. Rita softens. She takes an OLD
BABY RUTH out of her bag. Hands it to Kate.
RITA
It’s a couple years old. And
probably not good.
KATE
Thanks.
KATE
What happened?
REGINA
Car problems are really going
around today. I was at the gas
station and I had just finished the
Elderly Appreciation Scholarship
where you handcuff yourself to an
elderly person for an afternoon and
write a paper on what you learned.
KATE
What the fuck...?
REGINA
I saw there was a cheaper gas at
the gas station.
KATE
Oh, no.
21.
REGINA
I put diesel in my mom’s car. I
didn’t know there were two types of
fuel and one of them literally
destroys your car. Why don’t they
tell you that?!
KATE
They... do.
REGINA
Fuck. I’m going to have to use all
my savings for this. My mom’s going
to be so mad.
KATE
I know you don’t want my help, but--
REGINA
This is all I need from you.
(then)
Do you think this is why Steven
cheated on me?
KATE
Because of diesel?
REGINA
Because I’m stupid.
KATE
Oh, honey. You’re so not. He
cheated because he’s a piece of
shit with a small dick.
(catches herself)
I assume.
(then)
You did a stupid thing, but that’s
not who you are.
REGINA
Even when I tried to make my own
poke bowl and ate raw salmon from
Ralphs?
KATE
Honey, you’re making this pep talk
hard for me.
Christine and the all male Robotics Club tinker with a BATTLE
ROBOT. RINALDI ALVI (17), hyper, somehow got his hands on an
energy drink he definitely shouldn’t be drinking.
RINALDI
And what we could do is put wings
on this shit and have her fly. Oh
my god, what if we sent her to
SPACE?! We could do it. We just
need to meet up every night and
find some money for the parts. I
could sell my plasma! Christine,
you could sell your eggs. You don’t
need all of them.
CHRISTINE
How did you know?
MEGAN BRODEUR
We were hoping.
JEREMY BRODEUR
We’re so proud of you. Please don’t
get pregnant. Or bring a book.
SAI
Kate! Come do a keg stand.
23.
KATE
Don’t you think we’re getting too
old for those, Sai.
SAI
Aw, come on. Everyone wants to see
Ann Bencomo’s kid get wild.
CHRISTINE
(to herself)
Just do it.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
(to herself)
Move. Your legs.
(beat)
Just one leg.
(beat)
Foot?
JOCK
Hey, do I know you? Maybe from like
middle school?
CHRISTINE
It doesn’t matter.
REGINA
Christine Brodeur. Hi. I wasn’t
expecting to see you here.
CHRISTINE
I’m just as surprised.
REGINA
I heard what happened. You okay?
24.
JOCK
Christine Brodeur. I’ve definitely
heard that name.
(remembers)
Oh, right! You were--
CHRISTINE
I’m not a door knob humper! Okay?
It was a rumor that some bored,
vapid girls started.
JOCK
I was going to say you were in my
eighth grade Spanish class.
KATE
Hey, what’s up?
ANN BENCOMO
Honey! You look old.
KATE
I look fine!
ANN BENCOMO
I’m just saying laugh lines can
become a problem. I have this
amazing cream--
KATE
Mom.
ANN BENCOMO
Just try it for a week and you’ll
notice a difference.
KATE
My drug dealer.
25.
ANN BENCOMO
Great.
(then)
I’m calling because you know that
script I’ve been chasing for the
past year?
KATE
Uh, no?
ANN BENCOMO
The guy who was attached to direct
molested some underage girls--
shocking--and I’ve been tapped to
step in!
KATE
That’s amazing!
ANN BENCOMO
I mean, those poor girls...
KATE
Of course.
ANN BENCOMO
But this is the kind of project
that could win me another Oscar.
We’re filming in Botswana and I
leave tomorrow!
KATE
Oh. Will you be back for my
graduation?
ANN BENCOMO
Well. I mean, didn’t you say at one
point that you weren’t even going
to go? I thought you said that.
KATE
I-- Maybe?
ANN BENCOMO
Great. So we’ll both just skip it.
Play hookie.
STEVEN
I thought you said last time was
the last time.
KATE
Shut the fuck up, Steven.
She pulls her shirt over her head. Just as it falls to the
floor, Kate looks down at Steven, the reality of the
situation SLAMMING her in the face.
STEVEN
Kate? Are you okay?
Christine hears the door in the next room OPEN and SLAM shut.
Then the bathroom door opens.
Bra-clad, Kate hastily enters and sits on the floor. She puts
her head in her hands. Breathes shakily.
KATE
Party animal over here.
27.
CHRISTINE
Don’t be a dick, Bencomo.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Are you okay?
KATE
I just need another minute.
CHRISTINE
Deep breaths. In and out. In and
out. In and out.
KATE
Am I dying?
CHRISTINE
Kate, watch me breath and follow my
lead. In and out.
KATE
I can’t die an asshole.
CHRISTINE
(reading)
“George's shoulder socked against
the cement of the curb and Dave
Gardener, who had stayed home from
his job at The Shoeboat that day
because of the flood, saw only a
small boy in a yellow rain-slicker,
a small boy who was screaming and
writhing in the gutter with muddy
water surfing over his face and
making his screams sound bubbly.
“Everything down here floats,” that
chuckling, rotten voice whispered,
and suddenly there was a ripping
noise and a flaring sheet of agony,
and George Denbrough knew no more.”
28.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
I find Steven King calming.
KATE
Continue.
CHRISTINE
(reading)
“Dave Gardener was the first to get
there, and although he arrived only
forty-five seconds after the first
scream, George Denbrough was
already dead.”
Kate smiles.
CHRISTINE
Palos Verdes is a swirling cesspool
of unhinged wealth and privilege.
How can you like this place?
KATE
There’s so much to do! You’ve got
tide pools and lighthouses--
CHRISTINE
--and surf gangs made up of rich
white people and--
Christine is horrified.
KATE (CONT'D)
It’s a good golf course!
CHRISTINE
Kate, you are-- You are--
KATE
--someone who leaves people
speechless. I have that effect.
KATE (CONT'D)
Where do you like to go, Master of
Travel?
CHRISTINE
Glendale.
KATE
No one goes to Glendale on purpose.
No one. Glendale is what happens
when you get off the wrong exit.
CHRISTINE
Don’t be a dick.
KATE
How did you even find it?
CHRISTINE
It’s so cute. They have a mall--
KATE
Oh wow.
CHRISTINE
They have this roller rink,
Moonlight Rollerway, my parents
take me to that brings out a slew
of weird people. Almost everyone is
bad, so it’s easy to fit in. I
always forget my problems there.
KATE
Right, but they filmed part of The
OC in Palos Verdes, so--
CHRISTINE
(laughing)
Screw you.
They lock eyes, both alight with the passion of debate. Then
Kate grows very serious.
KATE
I’m so sorry.
Just then, the door SLAMS open. It’s Devon, who stops
abruptly when he sees Kate and Christine.
DEVON
Oh, sorry. Is it cool if I wash my
hands real quick? I spilled
cranberry juice all over them.
KATE
Yeah, go for it.
DEVON
(to Christine)
How’s the head?
CHRISTINE
Cool. It’s cool.
KATE
(to Devon)
You were really our knight in
shining armor.
DEVON
Nah, I just kinda stood there.
Christine was the real hero.
(to Christine)
You should be a doctor.
CHRISTINE
Okay.
(catches herself)
I, uh-- No, I don’t know what I’m
saying. Blood is-- No. I’ve been
dreaming about working at NASA
since I was five.
DEVON
Dig the passion. Maybe I’ll see you
lift off one day.
CHRISTINE
My mom should be here soon.
KATE
Great.
(off her silence)
For what it’s worth, I think you
have a chance with Devon.
CHRISTINE
I might.
KATE
You should go for it.
CHRISTINE
I might.
KATE
But I think it would be really
shortsighted of you to not take my
help because I know I’m an asshole,
but I’m also really good at helping
and I can be better than I was.
CHRISTINE
Kate.
KATE
I can’t guarantee it’ll work, but I
can at least open the door for you.
Please let me open the door.
CHRISTINE
It might be a little sticky.
(off Kate’s confusion)
When you open the door. The door
knob might be a little sticky.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
What else am I doing anyway?
KATE
Yes! Let’s make Devon our bitch!
Kate stands in the living room the next morning, unsure what
to do with herself. She dials a number. It rings. Then--
RITA
How the fuck did you get in here?
KATE
I broke in.
RITA
Either mow the rest of my lawn or
get out.
KATE
But I’m making pancakes.
RITA
I’m not in a pancake mood.
KATE
You’re being confrontational for no
reason. Everyone is in a pancake
mood in the morning. Even your rat.
RITA
Flipper’s not a rat!
KATE
That seems wrong...
Jerri enters the kitchen, but she’s on her way out. She stops
when she sees Kate.
JERRI
Kate.
33.
KATE
I didn’t bring beer. I’m just
making pancakes.
JERRI
(ignoring her)
Medicine, Rita.
RITA
I know!
RITA (CONT'D)
Your mom sent me your medical
records last night, which I thought
was a pretty bold move of her if
I’m being frank here.
KATE
Yeah, she doesn’t really ask. She
kind of just does.
RITA
I’m not good with kids. So if you
could just handle your own shit.
Maybe go to the dentist finally.
Your file says it’s been six years.
KATE
Is that long?
RITA
Yes.
KATE
That seems wrong...
RITA
There’s a reason I have Flipper
instead of kids.
The mole rat dog eats the pancake in a very unattractive way.
KATE
I know. Kids are the worst.
(realizing)
Hey, maybe I should get a dog too!
But like a real one.
As Kate and Regina walk over to sit on the sofa (yeah, that’s
how big this closet is), Kate pauses in front of Christine.
KATE
Thanks for coming.
CHRISTINE
Thanks for doing this.
Kate smiles and then sits with Regina. They take her in and
whisper to each other. Christine is wearing a sweater that’s
kind of just fine. She squirms under the scrutiny.
KATE
You wear a lot of sweaters, huh?
CHRISTINE
Yes.
REGINA
But we live in Los Angeles?
CHRISTINE
Yes?
KATE
I was looking for your Instagram,
but I couldn’t find it. Do you have
it on private or something?
CHRISTINE
I don’t have Instagram.
REGINA
How are we going to do this? The
pool party is in a week!
CHRISTINE
(horrified)
What does that have to do with
Instagram?
REGINA
The number one way guys ask out
girls is on Instagram. You’re going
to need one before he sees you at
the pool party.
CHRISTINE
Why wouldn’t he ask me out in
person?
KATE
Because it’s 2019 and everything is
terrible. You have to up your
online cred to up your in-person
cred. Does that make sense?
CHRISTINE
From a psychotic perspective.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Are there people here?
KATE
Oh, yeah. I kinda have an open door
policy on weekends for anyone who
wants to do coke in a safe place.
(off Christine’s look)
Kidding. We’re too old for coke.
CHRISTINE
(ignoring this)
Did the guy you were with last
night ask you out on Instagram?
REGINA
What guy?
KATE
I-- um. You’re thinking of someone
else. I feel like I saw Simone
hooking up with Jasper...
CHRISTINE
So how do we... up my online cred?
REGINA
Try sexy.
REGINA (CONT'D)
Okay. Try sexy this time.
KATE
So Brodeur, Star Wars kind of
sucks, huh?
CHRISTINE
Are you trying to be funny here?
It’s a classic.
KATE
Just because it’s a classic doesn’t
automatically mean it’s good.
CHRISTINE
The special effects were
revolutionary for the time.
KATE
Still sucks.
CHRISTINE
Stop. None of this is me.
KATE
We’re just trying to get a hot
photo here.
CHRISTINE
Why are you trying to change me?
KATE
I’m not. You are hot.
37.
CHRISTINE
I-- no. I mean. I have other good
qualities. It’s just--
(then)
We need to do different kinds of
photos. I don’t want people to see
me like this.
KATE
Like what?
CHRISTINE
Like I’m some kind of pervert!
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Oh, these are actually quite good.
KATE
See? Super not perverted of you.
(then)
Just kidding about Star Wars by the
way. I’ve never seen it.
Christine is horrified.
Kate finishes mowing the other half of Rita’s lawn. Then she
looks at Instagram. Christine’s photo has sixty likes.
KATE
You got sixty likes, none of which
are from Devon. I just shared it on
my account so hopefully by the end
of the day--
KATE (CONT'D)
Ah.
38.
CHRISTINE
What?
KATE
Less is more. You can’t look like
you’re trying too hard.
CHRISTINE
What?
KATE
Um. You’re-- Stanford. You excited?
CHRISTINE
I can’t wait. I always knew that
I’d thrive once I got out of here.
You get to pick what you want to
study. You get to pick your friends
and there’s no reputation you have
to worry about.
(off Kate’s silence)
What?
KATE
Don’t take this the wrong way, but
you’re the one giving your
reputation all the power. I
guarantee no one would care as much
if you stopped fixating on it. You
are so much more than a door knob
humper. Again, it’s so stupid.
KATE (CONT'D)
“Don’t be a dick, Bencomo.” I know,
I know.
CHRISTINE
No. I think I agree with you.
KATE
Call the presses.
39.
QUICK FLASH: Back to Spin the Bottle. Cheering from the other
seventh graders eggs on Christine, who nervously leans
towards Kate. END FLASH.
CHRISTINE
So, uh. I’m surprised you didn’t
apply anywhere. I feel like you’d
want to at least join a sorority.
KATE
You really do think poorly of me!
CHRISTINE
You’re a little basic.
KATE
This honesty is refreshing and does
not hurt at all.
Christine LAUGHS.
KATE (CONT'D)
I’ll be busy traveling the world
telling tales of your great love
story with Devon Russey.
CHRISTINE
Nice deflection.
KATE
I-- uh. What?
CHRISTINE
You deflect when someone asks you a
personal question.
KATE
I don’t do that.
CHRISTINE
Is that so? Then who’s that mystery
man from the party?
(off Kate’s silence)
I was in the bathroom one room
over. I heard.
KATE
I-- It was-- You don’t-- I just--
(off Christine’s smile)
Why are you smiling?
CHRISTINE
I’ve never seen you be awkward.
Good to know you’re human. And not,
you know, a robot in a skin suit.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
How does my make-up look?
KATE
You’re ready.
CHRISTINE
You two don’t know this about me,
but I have a bit of crippling
social anxiety.
REGINA
You? No.
CHRISTINE
Maybe we should have focused more
on my shit personality before we
came here, huh?
REGINA
Repeat after me: I am worthy.
CHRISTINE
I am worthy.
REGINA
Devon and I belong together.
KATE
We don’t quite know that yet...
41.
REGINA
Kate, Jesus Christ.
(to Christine)
You and Devon Russey are fated for
each other. You’ve been dancing
around each other since you were
twelve. That’s so freaking cute I
want to vomit. So go out there and
get your soulmate’s dick.
KATE
Swines! This is Christine Brodeur.
KATE
You might remember Christine as
that whip-smart movie buff who sits
at the front of a math class or
two. Well, she’s also a beer pong
champion. So, we will be at the
beer pong table if anyone dares
play us.
CHRISTINE
I’ve never played beer pong.
KATE
But you drink, right?
CHRISTINE
I get wine drunk with my parents
when we’re trying to be classy.
DEVON
Beer pong champion, huh?
42.
CHRISTINE
Yes.
KATE
Christine has this unique ability
where she only gets better the
drunker she gets. It’s pretty
fucking spectacular to watch.
SAI
Alright, we’ll play you.
KATE
You have to say something when
people talk to you.
CHRISTINE
I know. I know. I will.
REGINA
What is Monica FUCKING Hutcherson
doing here?
MONICA HUTCHERSON
That’s not my middle name.
REGINA
(pointedly ignoring her)
Christine. Beat. Her. ASS.
CHRISTINE
(to Sai and Monica)
You two are going down like a
frowny. Face. Clown.
DEVON
Champions, I see.
CHRISTINE
We are. I learned from the best.
REGINA
Hey batta batta.
(off Monica’s miss)
Swing, and a miss from the whore to
the right.
KATE
Regina.
REGINA
What? I didn’t say anything that
wasn’t true.
MONICA HUTCHERSON
You are so dumb if you think this
was entirely my fault.
REGINA
What did you just call me, Monica
FUCKING--
MONICA HUTCHERSON
My middle name is Elaine!
REGINA
--FUCKING Hutcherson!
DEVON
Learned from the best, huh?
CHRISTINE
Yes. Um. Seth Rogen taught me.
REGINA
Look, I know I’m being unfair. You
shouldn’t slut-shame, especially
when he’s so much at fault for what
happened. When I see him, I just
want to plunk out all his eyebrows.
(crying)
I loved him. How could he do that?
(trying to compose
herself)
I can’t put all my anger on Monica.
44.
KATE
She deserves some of it. But I
wouldn’t recommend yelling at her
in public.
REGINA
How rational and logical of you.
Kate and Regina come back outside just as Sai lands his fifth
cup. Christine drinks it. Then goes back to her story.
CHRISTINE
So we get there and Seth Rogen
approaches me and he says, “Hey.
You. Be my partner.” So we beer
pong it and he shows me some moves.
But it was awkward because I’ve
never seen his movies. I’m more
versed in Hitchcock and Godard.
KATE
Oh my god.
CHRISTINE
Kate. This beer is odd.
KATE
Are you allergic to beer?
CHRISTINE
I don’t know, but maybe get some
Benadryl. My throat is closing up.
KATE
What? I don’t have any!
CHRISTINE
(barely audible)
Of course not, you perfect robot.
Christine gasps for air. The crowd freaks as Devon runs away.
MONICA
Someone call 911!
45.
Christine turns red. Just then, Devon parts through the crowd
with an EPI-PEN and charges at Christine. He SLAMS the needle
into her thigh like a goddamn knight in shining armor.
DEVON
Thank god I’m allergic to
everything, huh?
CHRISTINE
Hi.
KATE
Hi. I got you something.
KATE (CONT'D)
I was going to get you chocolate,
but I wasn’t sure if you were
allergic to that. So I Googled what
foods no one could be allergic to.
KATE (CONT'D)
It was a surprisingly small list.
CHRISTINE
Thank you.
(then)
So that was a bust, huh?
KATE
What do you mean? You got his
attention. On Monday you can thank
him for being your knight in
shining armor. What a great
conversation opener.
46.
CHRISTINE
Opener. But then what? I don’t know
how to talk to him without saying
something really stupid. I’m not
like you.
KATE
Then fake it. Act like you have
confidence and then you will. It’s
what I do when I’m nervous.
CHRISTINE
Like you have anything to be
nervous about. You’re beautiful.
KATE
On the bright side, this has
probably made people forget about
the whole masturbation thing.
CHRISTINE
What’s so stupid is that
masturbation is very normal! What
backwards society do we live in
where everyone can talk about male
masturbation, but not female
masturbation.
(off Kate’s discomfort)
Kate, how are you still
uncomfortable with it?
(realizes)
You haven’t masturbated?! But you
have sex! With people! How do you
even know what you like if you
haven’t touched yourself?
KATE
I should go. I have homework.
CHRISTINE
(pulling out her phone)
You sure do. I’m buying you a
vibrator right now.
KATE
Christine, no.
CHRISTINE
I’m just being a good friend!
KATE
Not today, bitch!
QUICK FLASH: Back to Spin the Bottle. Kate and Christine are
about to kiss, but just before they do, Kate BOLTS up,
freaked the fuck out.
KATE (CONT'D)
This is a childish game. Let’s just
get drunk like adults.
Yup, they both haven’t forgotten that one. Kate quickly gets
off her while Christine clears her throat.
KATE (CONT'D)
Holy shit. Devon liked your photo.
CHRISTINE
What does this mean?
KATE
We have some momentum.
KATE
(to Christine)
I just want you to think of this
image when he goes down on you.
48.
Christine BLUSHES.
KATE (CONT'D)
You will compliment him on this.
CHRISTINE
Hey, you were great as Rafiki.
DEVON
Thank you!
REGINA
This bad boy took me five tries
with a grand total of fifty-eight
hours to complete.
REGINA (CONT'D)
I’m going to a pond after school.
Need to prove to the Duck Whistle
Scholarship that it works.
REGINA (CONT'D)
Christine! Pay attention.
49.
HISTORY TEACHER
Devon, what did I tell you? This is
the tenth time you’ve been tardy.
You know my rule. Detention.
DEVON
What the hell!
HISTORY TEACHER
Cursing won’t help your case.
Kate: But one detention could get you fucked in the future
Christine nods. She can’t argue with that logic. She scans
the classroom. Spots Regina’s Duck Whistle.
No ducks.
KATE
Maybe they died.
REGINA
Christine! How was detention?
CHRISTINE
I think I did it.
They go back and forth like this until Devon has guessed the
word. It spells out I HATE THIS.
After this, they stop with the game and just start writing on
the board.
Devon: YES.
CHRISTINE
And he said yes!
REGINA
WHAT?! Oh my fucking god! What did
I fucking tell you about fate,
dude? Yes!
As the girls jump up and down with joy, Kate is suddenly not
in the mood to celebrate.
KATE
The thing with Devon is that he’s
kind of a selfish prick. He’s a
track star AND a musical prodigy?
Like COME THE FUCK ON. Pick one!
You can’t be all these things. Give
someone else a chance here.
RITA
And she’d definitely be dating up.
It’s not a good idea to date up.
KATE
Are you for real?
RITA
From the photos you’ve showed me,
he looks like a Ken doll.
KATE
Exactly. He’s basically
cauliflower. She’s at least unique.
RITA
You’re very upset for someone who
succeeded in helping this girl.
KATE
Wait, isn’t the mall on Beverly?
52.
RITA
Is it?
KATE
No! You can’t make me! What the fu--
DENTAL HYGENIST
You’re good to come back.
RITA
What? No, I’m not--
DENTAL HYGENIST
She’s asking for you.
RITA
You interrupted a thrilling article
about celebrity babies.
RITA (CONT'D)
Kate?
KATE
I have some cavities.
DENTIST
Twelve to be exact. I’ve never seen
this many in someone of her age and
affluence. Truly stunning stuff.
RITA
Woah, woah. What are you doing?
DENTIST
It’s Novocaine. She’s going to need
it if we’re going to get them all.
(to Kate)
(MORE)
53.
DENTIST (CONT'D)
This isn’t going to be a fun
procedure, but we wouldn’t be here
if you had come in earlier. I know
candy and drugs are fun, but you
should be taking care of yourself.
RITA
Are you a therapist?
DENTIST
No. I’m a dentist.
RITA
Exactly. Maybe re-think your place
next time you give out judgmental
life advice to a child you don’t
know and don’t have an relationship
with, you dickless piece of shit.
(off his stunned silence)
Now, do what we’re paying you to do
and fix her mouth. And button your
shirt correctly. You’re an adult.
DENTIST
My apologies if I offended.
(RE: the needle)
You’ll only feel a pinch.
KATE
(singing in phone)
“I’m soaring! Flying! There’s not a
star in Heaven that we can’t
reach!”
(talking in phone)
Just a quick spoiler from the best
movie ever: High School Musical.
CHRISTINE (O.S.)
Mom, you can’t have it both ways.
KATE
Yo! Think you butt dialed m--
CHRISTINE (O.S.)
So you won’t be happy until I’m
socializing, but not too much?
CHRISTINE
That’s an over-exaggeration.
MEGAN BRODEUR
You listened to the Prisoner of
Azkaban audiobook on repeat for a
year straight. You didn’t even move
on to the next one.
CHRISTINE
It’s not as magical.
MEGAN BRODEUR
Don’t let her hurt you again.
CHRISTINE
This is trash. I can’t believe I
let you guys talk me into this.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Kate?
(off her silence)
Are you okay?
KATE
Fine.
CHRISTINE
Am I the only one watching this?
Because if so, we’re changing it to
Vertigo like I wanted.
REGINA
Oh, sorry. This is due tonight.
CHRISTINE
What is it?
REGINA
It’s for the Superhero Scholarship.
You write a paper on someone who
inspires you.
KATE
Who are you doing?
REGINA
No one.
Now Christine and Kate are really interested. They look like
they’re about to pounce on this computer. Just as they do,
Regina JUMPS away with her computer, now standing.
REGINA (CONT'D)
I knew you fuckers were going to be
like this! I’m going home so I can
finish this in PEACE.
CHRISTINE
Come on. We’ll be good.
REGINA KATE
Kate won’t be. I won’t be.
REGINA (CONT'D)
Don’t make me regret writing this
about you.
CHRISTINE
That’s so cute.
REGINA
Yeah, well. Best friends are
inspiring or whatever.
(to Kate)
Steven, of course, was a close
second, so don’t get too high on
your horse here. And no, you’re
never reading it. Telling you this
information is all I’m giving you.
(to both of them)
Goodnight fools.
CHRISTINE
Kate?
CHRISTINE
Kate, what’s wrong?
KATE
I’m a monster.
CHRISTINE
No, you’re not.
KATE
How could you believe that?
CHRISTINE
You’ve changed.
57.
KATE
I slept with Steven a couple weeks
ago. I haven’t changed.
KATE (CONT'D)
I lied. I did apply to a couple
colleges and when I found out I
didn’t get in anywhere... I was so
sad. And he was nice.
(then)
I don’t know what makes me more of
a monster: telling Regina or not
telling Regina.
Eyes still puffy from crying the night before, Kate wakes up
in her bed, surprised to be face-to-face with a sleeping
Christine. Kate watches her, totally reeling.
CHRISTINE
I think you know what the right
move is here.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
For the Regina thing.
KATE
Oh. I really don’t. I never do.
CHRISTINE
You’re a good person who makes
mistakes. You’re human.
KATE
I make too many. They’re always so
bad. What I did to you was so bad.
58.
CHRISTINE
You’re making up for it now. Find a
way to make it up to her. But don’t
tell her. She’s in a good place and
you shouldn’t ruin that just to
clear your guilty conscience.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Tonight’s the big night.
The bass DROPS as kids get FUCKED UP. This is the biggest
party we’ve seen Kate throw. Kate and Christine are pouring
themselves drinks. Regina approaches, miserable.
REGINA
Steven is here with Sky Mackley.
KATE
He’s a piece of shit. You need to
remember that.
REGINA
I know. I need a distraction.
KATE
(yells across the room)
Rob! Dance with Regina. She needs a
partner.
ROB (18) shrugs. Then pulls Regina onto the dance floor.
Christine smiles at Kate.
CHRISTINE
How are you so good at wingmaning?
KATE
I’ll tell you, young Padawan. I
just don’t give a flying fuck.
CHRISTINE
“Young Padawan” is a Star Wars
reference.
59.
KATE
Is it now?
CHRISTINE
You can’t use it if you don’t know
what it is! You know there’s a
screening of New Hope at The
Egyptian tomorrow, which doesn’t
happen. It’s going to be a huge
event. You should come with me.
KATE
Not to be dramatic, but I’d rather
die than see it. It’s a point of
pride at this point.
CHRISTINE
Stubborn girl.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
You would have been my first kiss.
KATE
Me too. I ended up kissing Reece
Spade at Soak City a couple months
later. He then made it his mission
to pee on every waterslide.
CHRISTINE
(laughing)
Ew.
KATE
Who was yours?
CHRISTINE
Someone from camp. You wouldn’t
know her.
DEVON
Hey, Brodeur! Bencomo!
CHRISTINE
Devon, hi.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
How, uh, how’s it going with all
the detentions?
DEVON
I did it with you, so you tell me.
CHRISTINE
Right, right. Absolutely.
DEVON
How come I haven’t really seen you
around? I feel like you only really
popped up in the last month.
CHRISTINE
I’m what you’d call a mystery.
DEVON
Is that so?
CHRISTINE
Oh, yes. I’ve been traveling far
across the world learning about
different cultures and dancing
naked in the moonlight.
(then)
And watching a lot of movies.
DEVON
I don’t know. I like track and I
singing’s fun, but I’m not addicted
to them like other people are.
CHRISTINE
Really? But you’re amazing.
DEVON
Maybe. I like a lot of things, but
I wish I loved one thing. Like you
with NASA. I don’t have that.
61.
CHRISTINE
I think you will.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Hey, I’ll be right back.
DEVON
Sure thing.
KATE
You grace me with your presence.
CHRISTINE
Come down here. I want to talk.
KATE
How’s it going with Cauliflower
Boy? Is it awkward?
CHRISTINE
No, I got in character of a
confident person and it worked. I
actually channeled you.
KATE
Me? Why the fuck would you do that?
CHRISTINE
You’re the most confident person I
know. Why are you mad?
KATE
I’m not.
CHRISTINE
Then what’s wrong? You only drink
this much when something’s wrong.
KATE
You don’t know that. You don’t know
me. You literally just proved that.
Kate stumbles into the bathroom and tries to close the door,
but Christine pushes it open. Kate rounds on her.
KATE
Since when do you kiss girls?
CHRISTINE
What? Why does that matter?
KATE
You’re so fucking casual about
everything! It’s really annoying.
CHRISTINE
Why are you acting so weird?
KATE
I’ve been acting weird a lot longer
than tonight. I was fine before you
walked back into my life.
CHRISTINE
I beg your pardon?
KATE
I beg your pardon? My GOD. You’re
so pretentious.
CHRISTINE
And you’re so basic!
KATE
Then why are you taking my advice
when you know that? I’m the worst
person you could have turned to.
CHRISTINE
I’m so confused. It’s working.
KATE
It’s not fucking working if you’re
pretending to be me!
KATE (CONT'D)
I am not confident at all. That’s
why I called it an act. I’m
pretending to be something I’m not.
It’s fucking awful. I’m nervous all
the time. I can’t sleep.
(MORE)
63.
KATE (CONT'D)
I’ve lost like fifteen pounds in
the last couple weeks and trust me,
I’m not bragging. It’s actually
concerning and god, I just want it
to stop--
KATE
Sup?
CHRISTINE
Hi.
Silence.
KATE
Did you need something?
CHRISTINE
Where did you go last night? Regina
was trying to reach you.
64.
KATE
I was at Rita’s. I don’t really
check my texts when I’m that drunk.
CHRISTINE
Oh.
(off the silence)
About last night--
KATE
Girls make out at parties all the
time to get guys attention. It’s
not a big deal.
CHRISTINE
But we were in a bathroom alone.
KATE
I was so drunk. I didn’t know where
I was.
CHRISTINE
Look, you caught me by surprise. I
mean, everything you said about
being nervous around me--
KATE
Dude, I say crazy shit when I’m
drunk. Like, really crazy shit. I
one time got so plastered I told
that weird kid Edmond Green that
I’d catsit for him sometime. He
doesn’t even have a cat. He just
seems like the kind of guy who
does, you know?
CHRISTINE
You were pretty convincing when you
told me all of that.
KATE
Brodeur, do I look like someone who
gets nervous?
CHRISTINE
No. I guess not.
Between Kate and the door, Christine sees Sai come down the
stairs, mid-putting on a shirt. Christine’s suddenly beaming.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Is that Sai?
65.
KATE
Yeah. Love a good peen.
(annoyed)
Why are you smiling?
CHRISTINE
You sleep with inappropriate men
when you’re deflecting from
something.
KATE
That’s so stup--
CHRISTINE
Fascinating.
SAI
Oh, hi. I was just, uh. I left
something here last night, so I
came to pick it up. What are you
doing here?
CHRISTINE
I was inviting Kate here to see a
movie tonight. They’re playing Star
Wars at The Egyptian and Kate said
she’s been dying to see it. Isn’t
that right, Kate?
Kate is speechless.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
(to Sai)
I’d invite you, but it’s a girls
night.
SAI
Totally. You girls have fun.
CHRISTINE
(to Kate)
Ten o’clock. I’ll leave your ticket
at the kiosk.
66.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Holy CRAP.
She checks the time on her phone. It’s 10:01. She swivels
around to check the doors. No Kate.
USHER
Ladies and gentleman, tonight you
will be taken to a galaxy far far
away where darkness reigns supreme
and our only hope lies in a boy.
KATE
Jesus.
CHRISTINE
It’s going to be good.
KATE
I blame you if it’s not.
CHRISTINE
Screw you.
USHER
We’re happy to present Star Wars: A
New Hope.
REGINA (O.S.)
(loud whisper)
Guys!
Kate and Christine jump apart as Regina and TWO OTHER GIRLS
(18) sit down next to Kate. What fun!
REGINA (CONT'D)
What are you guys doing here?
CHRISTINE
What are you doing here?
REGINA
We don’t usually come to stuff like
this--
CHRISTINE
Oh, fantastic.
REGINA
--but we were in the mood to see a
classic.
(realizing)
Christine, oh my god. How’d it go
with Devon last night? Did you
kiss? Did you fall in love?
REGINA (CONT'D)
Is she okay?
CHRISTINE
Yes. I think she’s sick. I’ll go
check on her.
Christine enters and scans the lobby for signs of Kate. She
catches her just as Kate pushes open the front doors.
CHRISTINE
Kate!
CHRISTINE
Kate!
BOUNCER
ID.
CHRISTINE
I don’t have one.
BOUNCER
Tough luck.
CHRISTINE
That’s not fair! She got in.
BOUNCER
That’s Kate, though.
CHRISTINE
Sir, you have to let me in. I know
her. We’re friends.
BOUNCER
Call her and have her come out.
CHRISTINE
She never looks at her phone. I
could show you my breasts.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Sir, I’m in the middle of a pretty
big moment here!
CHRISTINE
What kind of Lorelei Lee stunt was
that? I had to pay him a hundred
dollars to get in here.
69.
KATE
Who’s Lorelei Lee?
CHRISTINE
Marilyn Monroe’s character in
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
KATE
I can’t with your references. You
are the most pretentious person I
have ever met in my life.
CHRISTINE
And again, you’re insufferably
basic. But here we are!
(off her silence)
Why did you run away?
KATE
It doesn’t matter. Just go home.
CHRISTINE
If I go home, you’re going to get
drunk and call someone you don’t
care about because that’s what you
do when you’re scared. I get it.
Someone TAPS on Kate’s shoulder. She turns and SOME OLDER GUY
(30s) throws her an award winning smile.
KATE
No, thanks.
CHRISTINE
But you’ve had me do scary things
for a while now and it feels good.
KATE
You’re only saying that because
Devon’s talking to you.
CHRISTINE
That’s not it.
KATE
Bullshit. You’ve been in love with
Devon since seventh grade. You’re
fated. I can’t compete with that.
70.
CHRISTINE
Do you want to compete with that?
ANOTHER GUY
(to Kate)
Excuse me. Would you like to dance?
CHRISTINE
She’s good.
KATE
How are you not freaked out?
CHRISTINE
I’m terrified. And curious.
CHRISTINE
Oh my god.
KATE
No, thanks.
KATE
I’m good.
CHRISTINE
Because she’s dancing with me.
Christine grabs Kate’s hand and pulls her into the next room.
Christine leans in. They MAKE-OUT. It’s hot. It’s heavy. Kate
pulls away and smiles. Then leans back in.
REGINA
Christine, how did it go with
Devon? I need details!
CHRISTINE
It was fine. Nothing really
noteworthy happened.
REGINA
What did you talk about?
CHRISTINE
I don’t know if there was a spark.
REGINA
But you’re soulmates! Maybe you
guys were just having an off night.
REGINA (CONT'D)
Why are you guys so quiet?
(off their odd silence)
Kate, are you feeling better?
KATE
I’m fine.
KATE (CONT'D)
Brodeur, what are you wearing?
CHRISTINE
Uh, my clothes?
KATE
What about the clothes I gave you?
This whole thing with Devon is
pointless if you don’t do what we
say. Maybe that was your problem.
72.
CHRISTINE
Really? Because everything you’ve
told me to do has almost gotten me
killed and tarnished my record.
KATE
Through no fault of my own. I’ve
done some amazing stuff for you.
CHRISTINE
Oh, have you?
KATE
You wouldn’t even know who Beyonce
is if I hadn’t sat you down and
forced you to listen to her.
CHRISTINE
I know who she is. I don’t live
under a rock. But honestly, I don’t
see what the big deal is.
KATE
Lemonade was revolutionary!
CHRISTINE
You’re only saying that because
everyone else says that.
KATE
Are you calling me a follower?
CHRISTINE
Absolutely.
KATE
I am not.
CHRISTINE
Yes, you are.
KATE
Screw you.
CHRISTINE
Hey, I got you something.
KATE
Later. I’m busy.
CHRISTINE
It’s really good.
Christine rolls off and runs to her desk. Pulls out a package
and hands it to Kate.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Every girl needs one.
(off Kate’s silence)
What?
KATE
Nothing.
CHRISTINE
It’s not a big deal. See?
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
(Vibrator voice)
Don’t let the patriarchy scare you
into not enjoying yourself.
KATE
You’re the one scaring me!
74.
CHRISTINE
(Vibrator voice)
Kaaaaaate.
(turns on vibrator)
Buzz! I’m lonely.
KATE
Stop it!
JEREMY BRODEUR
WOAH THERE.
JEREMY BRODEUR
So. That’s actually not how you use
a vibrator.
CHRISTINE
Dad!
JEREMY BRODEUR
I’m just saying, they’re pretty
straight forward.
MEGAN BRODEUR
Are you... using protection?
CHRISTINE
We’re girls?
MEGAN BRODEUR
And you can still get STDs. Dental
dams are a way to protect yourself.
I can explain how to use them if
you’d like. I’ve had my fair share
of female experience.
CHRISTINE
What?!
75.
JEREMY BRODEUR
(so god damn proud)
She did.
CHRISTINE
I’m moving out.
MEGAN BRODEUR
Christine, wait. We don’t have to
talk about it, but I just need to
know. Are you okay with this?
(off Christine’s nod)
Then so are we. Even if Kate can be
Kate.
CHRISTINE
Only sometimes.
REGINA
Kate!
EVERYONE
Kate!!!
KATE
Ha. Ha. Oh my god. I almost forgot
about my open door policy.
CHRISTINE
So amazing you do that...
Devon approaches.
DEVON
Hey Christine. Did you get my
message on Instagram? I sent it
yesterday.
76.
CHRISTINE
Remind me what it says?
DEVON
It said, “Hey.” So I just wanted to
come up and say, “Hey.”
(then)
Hey.
CHRISTINE
Hi.
DEVON
Um, do you want to get Trader Joe’s
tonight? Was thinking we could like
get a spread of some cool shit and
eat by the beach.
CHRISTINE
Devon--
KATE
She would love to. Eight sound
good?
DEVON
Uh, yeah. Perfect.
(to Christine)
Text me your address.
REGINA
Can I give a speech at the wedding?
Can you promise me that honor?
CHRISTINE
Regina, I--
REGINA
Thank you, you’re the best!
KATE
We have to keep up appearances.
77.
CHRISTINE
Should I blow him too?
There’s some GASPS on the other side of the room that catch
Kate’s attention.
KATE
Mom! I just heard. Are you okay?
KATE
Mom. You were just held at
gunpoint.
KATE
What?
KATE
Are you fucking insane?
KATE
Could you just... tell me before
you decide to jump off a cliff or
something? So I know?
SAI
Kate, are you okay?
JUNIOR MINION #1
Kate! What happened?
JUNIOR MINION #2
Your mom’s a fighter.
KATE
She’s fine! I’m fine!
REGINA
Steven, save some for me.
Kate shoots her a look. Why the fuck is she talking to him?
79.
RITA
At some point, could you knock down
this wall? I want to open up the
space before I put the house on the
market--
KATE
What are you putting the house on
the market for?
RITA
I don’t know if you know this, but
I’m kind of dying.
Kate SLAMS the hammer into the wall, silencing Rita. Kate
breathes heavily while Rita waits patiently.
KATE
How are you so calm about this?
RITA
I’m a complete mess, actually.
KATE
Have you always been?
RITA
Yes and no. It fluctuates depending
on what stage of my life I’m in.
RITA (CONT'D)
What’s gotten me through the mess
is surrounding myself with people I
admire. That being said...
RITA (CONT'D)
No one really wants to watch
someone die.
(MORE)
80.
RITA (CONT'D)
They come around when they can, but
it’s hard to not already view me as
being dead. So, I started prank
calling them from “beyond the
grave” and I will say, it’s making
me feel a lot better.
(off Kate’s silence)
Is there anyone you admire?
KATE
Yes.
RITA
Then tell them. I never told anyone
that.
DEVON
We get some Trader Joe’s Pita Bite
Crackers, add a splash of Trader
Joe’s Vegan Pesto Dip--and
seriously, I’m not vegan, but this
shit is good. And finally, Gouda.
CHRISTINE
What are you, a spokesperson for
Trader Joe’s?
DEVON
I may follow all of their Instagram
accounts and may be up to date on
all their new products, sure. But
that’s just because I want TJoe’s
to kill the competitors.
CHRISTINE
(sad)
Wow, that was quite good.
DEVON
It doesn’t seem like it was.
81.
CHRISTINE
This is the first real date I’ve
been on. It’s all so lovely.
DEVON
I could make it not nice. I mean,
psh. I could kick sand in your face
if you want. How not nice is that?
CHRISTINE
Devon, I’ve spent years dreaming of
this moment and you’re exactly how
I imagined you’d be. But I’m not
how I imagined I’d be.
(off his stunned silence)
I guess when I found out you liked
me in seventh grade, I thought I
did too because I had a crush on
you back then. But I realized that
sometimes seventh grade feelings
don’t translate to twelfth grade
interest. I’m sorry.
DEVON
How’d you know that?
CHRISTINE
I overheard you talking about it
with Sai. You said the door knob
thing made you stop.
DEVON
That’s not why. I didn’t want to
rock the boat when I realized Kate
also had a crush on you.
(off Christine, stunned)
I caught her staring at you a lot
in seventh grade.
CHRISTINE
She did?
DEVON
You’d have to be blind not to
notice.
DEVON (CONT'D)
For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed
her do the same thing now.
Seriously, no hard feelings.
(MORE)
82.
DEVON (CONT'D)
If you like her, you should tell
her before school ends. Just my two
cents. I won’t say anything.
CHRISTINE
Thank you.
Kate: Please?
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
Hey, you found something you’re
passionate about.
DEVON
I guess I did.
Christine enters with purpose and scans the now very crowded
party. She catches Kate’s eye on the other side of the room.
CHRISTINE
Hear me out. There’s a magical
place called Glendale where no one
knows us. I can confirm it has
food. You could dress up and I
could dress up and we could get off
on the wrong exit. What do you say?
The girls SLAM into the Kate’s room, aggressively making out.
KATE
I’m so glad it was a bad date.
CHRISTINE
Yes, his penis tasted too tangy.
KATE
So help me god, I’m going to bury
myself under this house.
Christine KISSES her and LOCKS the door. Kate’s eyes widen.
KATE (CONT'D)
Really?
Limbs and sheets are tangled together, both girls very happy.
KATE
I didn’t know sex could be good.
CHRISTINE
Poor Steven and Sai.
KATE
I’m gonna enter the lion’s den and
get us some food.
CHRISTINE
Hurry back.
KATE
I’m sorry. Did I miss something?
CHRISTINE
Oh wow, Kate. That was fast--
REGINA
I’ve been maybe thinking about
getting back together with Steven?
(off Kate’s horror)
I know what you’re going to say.
But you don’t know what these past
couple months have been like. It’s
like a part of me has been ripped
out. Kinda like in Ancient Egypt
when they’d make mummies, they’d
put a pick up your nose, scramble
it, and rip your brain out through
your nose.
KATE
Literally what?
BOYFRIEND
Oh my fucking god! The door knob
humper?
Back to Regina and Kate. They walk out of the kitchen and
into the living room.
REGINA
We talked about it last night. He
apologized and, I don’t know. I
believe him. It was a one time
mistake and he’s allowed me to
scream at him periodically for the
past couple months.
(MORE)
85.
REGINA (CONT'D)
(off their silence)
If I don’t try, I’ll always think
“what if.”
KATE
Regina. You can’t trust him.
REGINA
Why not?
PERSON #1
--door knob humper in Kate’s bed.
PERSON #2
Kate’s gay? Since when?!
PERSON #3
Christine Brodeur’s naked in her
bed. Are they dating?
PERSON #4
Do you think they’ll make out?
PERSON #5
They’re so brave.
PERSON #6
Kate humping a door knob humper.
KATE
(loudly)
Were you waiting for me?
CHRISTINE
Kate. Please.
KATE
Dude, I don’t swing that way. What
the hell?
KATE
Christine, wait.
Christine turns and tries to SLAP Kate, but Kate catches her
hand mid-air. Tears brim Christine’s eyes.
CHRISTINE
How could you do this to me? AGAIN.
KATE
I panicked. I’m sorry.
CHRISTINE
My mom told me this was going to
happen again and I-- aagh!
KATE
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Fuck,
I’m so sorry.
CHRISTINE
Shut up! If you were actually
sorry, you would go back in there
and tell the truth. But you won’t
now and you didn’t back then
either. Which is crazy because
Devon told me you liked me in
seventh grade, so why on earth
would you tell people I masturbated
when you had a crush on me? Why
would you deny you’re with me now
when I know you love me?
(off Kate’s silence)
Right?
KATE
It’s not that simple.
87.
CHRISTINE
It is. You’re the problem. You can
stop this.
KATE
Have some compassion.
KATE (CONT'D)
I have a reputation. I can’t just
blow that up in a single second.
CHRISTINE
You’re blowing up mine to protect
yours, then?
KATE
Yours was already bad!
CHRISTINE
Because of you. Again. All of my
social highs and lows have hinged
on your bullshit.
KATE
Excuse me?
CHRISTINE
You tell everyone I’m a pervert and
I have no friends for six years.
Then you tell everyone to hang out
with me and I suddenly have
friends. Then you kiss me and run
away and you leave me to pick up
the pieces. And now, oh screw me
again! The cycle starts over!
KATE
That is so unfair.
CHRISTINE
It’s true.
KATE
I haven’t been in your life for the
past six years. Have you made any
friends in that time? Have you
tried at all to connect to people?
Don’t use me as an excuse to hide
behind your fucked up problems.
CHRISTINE
Screw you.
88.
KATE
I wasn’t ready for all of this.
CHRISTINE
Neither was I. But. Here we are.
The party RAGES behind her. The lights are off at Rita’s
house. Almost dead in a way. Regina and Steven make-out
against one of the windows.
KATE
Let’s fuck shit up!
KATE (CONT'D)
“You're my one love/My one heart/My
one life for sure/LET ME TELL YOU
ONE TIME!”
As she pulls back the bat, she knocks Regina in the face!
REGINA
Ow! What the fuck?
REGINA (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing?
89.
KATE
I fucked Steven. That’s why you
can’t trust him. That’s why you
can’t trust me.
KATE
I’d like one ticket to Antarctica.
TICKET AGENT
I don’t know if we do that. Think
you might have to stop in Chile
first and take a boat from there...
KATE
Look, Antarctica isn’t going to
exist soon. I just want to see it
before it’s gone. Is Antarctica gay-
friendly?
TICKET AGENT
I don’t really know a lot about
Antarctica. But if you want to see
something before it’s gone, you
should really go to the Great
Barrier Reef. I think it’s like
ninety percent bleached.
KATE
Brilliant! Australia is like made
of criminals. It’s perfect for me.
TICKET AGENT
Umm...
KATE
Hold that thought.
90.
Kate pulls out her phone and we see she has TEN MISSED CALLS
from Regina.
VOICE (O.S.)
Hello?
KATE
Rita! Hear me out. You’re not dead
yet. We should go to Australia or
Antarctica and see the end of the
world before you go out. I’m at LAX
right now, so I could send a car
for you and--
JERRI (O.S.)
Kate, it’s Jerri. Rita’s in the
hospital right now. She’s not doing
so well. I think she’d like it if
you came by.
(off Kate’s silence)
Kate?
Regina RUSHES in. Finally spots Kate. Slows down when she
sees just how out of it Kate seems.
REGINA
Hi.
(off Kate’s silence)
Jerri called Rita and then Rita
called me and threatened me a
little. So here I am.
(more silence)
Where are you going?
KATE
Antarctica. Or. Chile. I haven’t
decided yet.
REGINA
But you don’t even have a coat.
(off Kate’s silence)
(MORE)
91.
REGINA (CONT'D)
I called Christine when I was
looking for you. She was upset. I
think she’s in love with you.
KATE
She told you about us?
REGINA
No.
(as it sinks in)
Oh, wow.
KATE
Well. This is who I am. Someone who
makes horribly rash decisions and
then has to hide those decisions
for the rest of time. That’s me.
Now you know just how garbage I am.
I can’t escape from me. You should.
REGINA
But I don’t want to.
KATE
Fuck off.
REGINA
No, you fuck off. We’ve been best
friends for a decade and that’s not
going to change just because you
fucked me over. Fight for me,
damnit!
KATE
You can’t seriously suggest we
forget about this. You’ve been
railing on Monica for months.
REGINA
I don’t give a shit about Monica
FUCKING Hutcherson, but you are
Kate FUCKING Bencomo. I hate you
and I need you to fight for us
because that’s what you do for the
people you love.
KATE
But I’m horrible.
92.
REGINA
You are horrible AND you are great.
You’re like a beautiful disaster.
In my Superhero Scholarship essay,
I wrote about how you come with me
to the doctor and hold my hand
every time I need to get a shot.
You came when I was nine. You came
when I was ten. And eleven. And
twelve. And thirteen. And sadly
fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, and
seventeen.
(realizing)
Fuck, I have to get another one in
a couple weeks. Oh Jesus, fuck.
KATE
Hey, it’s okay.
REGINA
I am also a goddamn disaster. I
need you. So please stay, let me be
mad at you, and fight for me. Fight
for Christine. Just fight.
KATE
Okay.
(then)
I’m so sorry, Regina.
REGINA
You’re going to make it up to me by
doing my laundry for two years.
KATE
Right, no totally.
RITA
Regina found you, I see.
KATE
Thank you for that.
93.
RITA
Figured I’d do one good deed to
scam my way into Heaven.
KATE
You’ve done a lot of good deeds.
RITA
So have you. You’ve kept a dying
woman company.
KATE
I was just doing that so you would
will away all your money to me.
Rita CRACKS UP. But as she does, her eyes roll into the back
of her head. Kate watches in horror as Rita CRASHES. A Crash
Team rush into the room and take out a defibrillator.
DOCTOR
Clear.
They SHOCK Rita. Kate holds her breath as Rita regains hers.
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
(to Kate)
She’s good. We got her.
RITA
Your bad joke almost killed me.
KATE
I admire you.
RITA
I admire you, too.
PRINCIPAL
Kate Bencomo.
94.
PRINCIPAL (CONT'D)
Regina Shor.
PRINCIPAL (CONT'D)
Winner of the Duct Tape Graduation
Gown, the Elderly Appreciation
Scholarship, the Duck Whistle
Scholarship, the Superhero
Scholarship, the Keep a Goldfish
Alive Scholarship, the--
REGINA
Grand total of fifty-five thousand
dollars. FUCK ALL THE HATERS!
KATE
You might be the smartest person
I’ve ever met in my life.
Regina beams.
KATE
Hey!
KATE (CONT'D)
Christine was waiting for me in my
room. But that’s because she was my
girlfriend.
KATE (CONT'D)
(to Christine)
Christine, I love you. I’ve always
loved you. I didn’t quite know
that’s what that was when I was
younger, but I do know I was
freaking obsessed with hanging out
with you. Then we almost kissed and
you told me you masturbated and it
scared me because you were so much
more in tune with your sexuality
than I was. But I tried it the
other day and you were right. It’s
fucking awesome!
KATE (CONT'D)
I needed to set the record straight
that I am so goddamn gay for you.
REGINA
Kiss her!
Christine approaches Kate and pulls her down from her chair.
They kiss. Led by Regina, the crowd CHEERS.
KATE
I can’t believe this is real. I
never thought I’d get you back.
CHRISTINE
Kate--
KATE
Regina was saying I should make a
grand gesture, but I was like “no,
that’s cheesy as fuck.” But I don’t
know. It just felt right in the--
CHRISTINE
I don’t-- I just-- I need--
KATE
Hey, it’s okay.
(off Christine’s silence)
Maybe that was too public.
CHRISTINE
I’m not okay.
KATE
Huh? Really?
CHRISTINE
I love you so much.
KATE
I love you too. Is that bad?
CHRISTINE
I’m so hurt by what you did. I
don’t know how those two things can
co-exist, but they do.
KATE
Okay. That makes sense. But I can
be better. I mean, I just professed
my love for you in front of
everyone. That was huge for me.
97.
CHRISTINE
It was. For you.
KATE
I have bullshit, but I know if I
work hard I can get rid of it.
CHRISTINE
I need to get rid of mine, too.
KATE
I don’t understand.
CHRISTINE
You were right when you said I
haven’t tried to connect and open
up with anyone besides you. I’ve
spent six years so furious at the
past that I couldn’t live in the
present. How sad is that?
KATE
Okay. We’re both fucked up. We can
work on it together.
CHRISTINE
I can’t.
CHRISTINE (CONT'D)
If I let you back in, I’ll fall
back into the cycle. I need to find
myself without you and you need to
find yourself without me. Does that
make sense?
KATE
From a psychotic perspective.
CHRISTINE
Maybe with time...
She leaves that hanging as she turns away. Kate lets her go.
CUT TO BLACK.
KATE
I swear to god, I tried to convince
Jerri to change your headstone to
say something else. Because
honestly it sounds a little whore-
ish. Like anyone who walks by is
going to think you were throwing
your cat around left and right and
popping out dozens of babies. Jerri
didn’t really like that argument.
(emotional)
But I think she was ultimately
right.
Kate puts a BUD LIGHT next to her grave. Tears roll down her
cheeks. Flipper starts peeing on her grave.
REGINA (O.S.)
Flipper! Jesus, how did that dog
outlive Rita?
Regina Shor (now 20) comes up from behind Kate. A huge bag is
slung over her shoulder.
KATE
The biggest mystery of them all.
REGINA
She would have been proud of you.
KATE
I know.
REGINA
If you could have my laundry back
by five tomorrow, that’d be
excellent.
She swings the bag towards Kate. Pats her on the back. Then
Regina gets a text. She sighs loudly.
REGINA (CONT'D)
Fuck me in the asshole.
99.
SORORITY SISTER
Amelia, this is getting ridiculous!
AMELIA (O.S.)
(sobbing)
Go away!
KATE
What happened?
REGINA
Something with her mom. I don’t
know. She’s like this every time
her mom calls.
SORORITY SISTER
TWO OTHER PEOPLE LIVE HERE, AMELIA!
You can’t keep doing this!
Kate puts a hand on her shoulder and approaches the door. She
gives a soft knock.
KATE
Amelia, this is Kate, Regina’s
friend. What happened?
AMELIA (O.S.)
My mom thinks I need to lose
weight. But I’ve already been
trying so hard.
KATE
I’m sorry. She’s just wrong.
AMELIA (O.S.)
I wish she was nicer.
KATE
You can’t change her.
Unfortunately. All you can do is
surround yourself with people you
admire and wait out the storm.
(off the silence)
Do you want to go somewhere fun?
Forget your problems for a night?
Silence. And then AMELIA (20), a total mess, opens the door.
100.
Kate, Regina, and Amelia hang onto each other for dear life
as they awkwardly skate around the rollerway. Amelia SCREAMS
as she almost falls. Then LAUGHS.
AMELIA
What the fuck is this place?
Next to Christine, Devon Russey (now 20) pops his head out
and beams at Kate like a puppy.
CHRISTINE
On the bright side, your fall
looked quite graceful.
KATE
That’s why I did it. To look
graceful.
CHRISTINE
Thank you, Devon.
KATE
Could you tell me when you’re going
to pop it back in? Just a three
second warning would be stellar.
CHRISTINE
Absolutely not. It’s better if it
comes out of nowhere.
KATE
No, it’s not! It wasn’t last time.
101.
CHRISTINE
One. Two--
KATE
Wait! Wait! Wait! Just let me get
in the right mind space.
CHRISTINE
Devon and I are just friends. His
dorm was across from mine freshman
year and now we’re roommates. Just
so you know.
KATE
You two really were fated, huh?
KATE (CONT'D)
OW! What the FUCK?!
CHRISTINE
It was going to hurt either way.
KATE
You used my weaknesses against me!
CHRISTINE
You’re welcome.
KATE
Guess what? I watched Star Wars.
(off Christine’s shock)
I’m a film major so I kinda had to.
It was good.
Another silence.
CHRISTINE
You hated it, didn’t you?
KATE
I have some notes.
CHRISTINE
You’re unbelievable.
102.
KATE
They walk around the desert for the
first half of the movie. HALF!
CHRISTINE
It’s world and character building!
KATE
Half a movie is a long time for
nothing to happen.
CHRISTINE
You’re an asshole.
KATE
How are you?
CHRISTINE
Great. I joined this mountain
climbing club and we go camping
every weekend. I scaled a one
hundred foot sheer rock face the
other day. I couldn’t believe it. I
had gone up with this girl I was--
(catching herself)
Anyway, we woke up at four AM like
psychopaths. I barely ate breakfast
and it was freezing. But when we
finally got to the top, we watched
the most beautiful sunrise. That
was the first time I’ve done that.
It was almost perfect.
KATE
Almost?
CHRISTINE
So you missed your exit then?
KATE
No.
THE END