Courageous Parents Ebook
Courageous Parents Ebook
Courageous Parents Ebook
Confident Kids
Courageous
Parents
Confident
Kids
letting go so you both can grow
Edited by
Amy Tiemann, Ph.D.
Chapel Hill
Courageous Parents, Confident Kids – Letting Go So You Both Can Grow
All rights reserved. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions and do
not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your
support of the authors’ rights is appreciated. The Courageous Parents, Confident
Kids e-book and supporting resources may be purchased from the publisher’s
Web site, www.MojoMom.com. The paperback edition is available from Ama-
zon.com.
“Mojo Mom” and “Spark Press” are registered trademarks of Spark Produc-
tions, LLC.
The most beautiful sight in the world
is a little child going confidently down
the road of life after you have shown
him the way. v Proverb
Contents
Introduction 1
Amy Tiemann, Ph.D.
1
2 courageous parents | confident kids
we are fed mostly by the media. Now I will grant that on 9/11 the
news of the day justifiably scared the heck out of us – it was a ter-
rifying time. But how about the three thousand days since then?
How many fearful headlines are deserved, as opposed to merely
being sensationalist bait to get us to watch, read, or click through
them? With 24-hour cable news and the Internet’s own hyperac-
tive news cycle, every media outlet is competing harder for our
attention. Bad news is shown in a persistent, repetitive loop. Sto-
ries that are sensationalistic, such as the relatively rare abduction
and murder of young women, receive a disproportionate amount
of coverage while much more common, equally tragic stories are
overlooked. This phenomenon has even spawned the term miss-
ing white woman syndrome, itself a critique of the fact that similar
crimes against people of color are routinely not given the same
level of news coverage. Violent crime is a true tragedy for the
victims, their loved ones, and their community. However, for the
general public, hyperbolic media coverage unnecessarily increases
the psychological impact of these terrible – but rare – events, per-
petuating a sense of despair and hopelessness that does not honor
the victims and does not make anyone safer.
I understand the power of these crimes to evoke both a par-
ent’s greatest fears and protective instincts. But we must have the
courage to move past our instinctual fears to construct an effec-
tive response to such possibilities. Our cultural construction of
“Stranger Danger” provides a case in point: we have learned over
recent decades that stranger abductions are actually quite rare,
yet parents are still disproportionately anxious about “Stranger
Danger.” This has caused several problems. First, parents dis-
tracted by this stereotypical worry are not adequately prepared to
address the fact that the vast majority of child abuse is perpetrated
by people known to the family, not strangers. Second, parents’
introduction 7
going too fast for me! But that’s my wish, not her need. She needs
her parents to stay with her in the moment, enjoying her as she
changes and letting her grow up. When we reach that moment of
truth when she’s ready to leave home as a young adult, I will try
my best to smile when we say goodbye, even if I feel tears welling
up inside.
That’s where courage comes in – the courage to let our kids
grow up and eventually away from us as our role evolves from
parental “boss,” to “consultant,” to respectful adult peer. A close
relationship with our kids is wonderful, but we have to keep sight
of the big picture: they need to become independent people. This
does not happen overnight – they won’t magically wake up at age
18, all of a sudden ready to face the world. Independence in adult-
hood is the result of a thousand little steps along the way. I think
of the tiny steps my daughter has already taken or will be taking:
getting dressed and tying her own shoes, walking into school on
her own, facing new situations and making new friends, resolv-
ing disputes with her friends without our intervention, learning
household skills like cooking and cleaning, developing the good
judgment needed to navigate sleepover parties or summer camp,
going on dates, applying for an after-school job. . . . With each
step, the balance of power and decision making tips more in her
favor until one day she holds the keys not only to the car, but to
her own future.
lives to turn to and won’t crumple into empty shells once they are
gone. Developing our own identities is good for our parenting
and it is good for us as individuals – we deserve it.
In the second section, we will move on to talk about several
ways that moms and dads can develop their own parenting styles
over time. The goal is to eventually each become our own par-
enting experts, gaining enough experience along the way to feel
confident that we are making the best decisions we can for our
families. We will talk about easing the free-floating worry we so
often feel and lessening its toxic effects so we can focus our atten-
tion and energy on the things that we can positively impact. This
can be difficult, and it takes courage to let go of the somewhat
magical talisman of worry – oftentimes we think active worry
can somehow protect our family, as if gripping the armrest of our
airplane seat will keep the flight aloft. While parenting needs our
thoughtful attention, free-floating worry and anxiety just serve to
wear us down and can even prevent us from being truly aware of
what is going on around us.
When I see intrusive parental hovering that is more interfer-
ing than helpful, I wish that those parents would bottle some
of that energy and redirect it toward solving the social problems
that families face in the United States, where we still have not
enacted the kind of family-friendly policies enjoyed in most other
parts of the world. In the final section, we will explore this issue
in depth, learning how parents have found their political voices,
joined together in communities for personal support as well as
social action, and in the case of MomsRising.org, harnessed this
energy into a massive grassroots campaign that advocates for fam-
ily-positive policies such as paid parental leave, health care for all
families, and protection for mothers against job discrimination.
12 courageous parents | confident kids
15
16 courageous parents | confident kids
road. But one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to
live in a way that makes it clear to them that we will be okay after
they leave, and that we fully support their growing autonomy.
No matter where each of us is on our parenting journey, we can
begin preparing for our kids’ independence (as well as our own)
right now. The great news is that doing so can actually involve
pleasure rather than pain! In this section, Renee Peterson Trudeau
gets us started with her practical exploration of how to cultivate
“The Transformative Power of Self-care.” In my work as “Mojo
Mom,” I have seen what a challenge it is for parents, especially
mothers, to create the self-care foundation that we need to remain
happy and healthy in the long run. Taking good care of ourselves
and maintaining our individual identity is a necessity, not a lux-
ury: when parents get burned out, it creates a real problem for the
whole family. (Or, as we say here in the South, “When Mama ain’t
happy, ain’t nobody happy.”) Renee’s work has helped thousands of
women explore and give voice to what they really need, and her
Personal Renewal Group trainings have enabled women to create
support circles in their own communities.
strategies for career development that are more flexible than a tra-
ditional, rigid career ladder.
Currently, the workforce is in transition due to new social
trends (that the workplace has not caught up with yet) and new
ways of working made possible by modern technology. Women
are now more than half of the workforce in the United States,
but jobs are still often structured for the ideally “unencumbered”
male. We are caught between traditional 9-to-5 work structures
and a modernized way of working that can be more decentralized,
mobile, and focused on results, rather than on punching clocks
or logging face time. In the meantime, it can be frustrating to feel
that we are stuck with a half-evolved system that often does not
acknowledge workers’ family responsibilities. Kella and Maryanne
firmly believe that workplace transformation is coming, especially
since the influential Baby Boomers are reaching retirement age
but often are looking for nontraditional alternatives to full-stop
retirement. Boomers are also grappling with the reality of car-
ing for their own aging parents or spouses. Caregiving ultimately
affects everyone, and we can be pioneers in asking our employers
to support us as parents and families.
The Transformative Power of Self-care
Renee Peterson Trudeau
19
20 courageous parents | confident kids
in my life for those things that are most important to me. My life
flows, I trust my intuition, and I expect good to come to me. I feel
peaceful. I am loving, and I feel loved. This is the life I desire.
It was only after I became a mother and truly connected to my
needs and desires that I was finally able to articulate this.
Barriers to Self-care
Almost any mother can share with you how pervasive ideals such
as good mothers always put their families first, motherhood is pure
bliss, you just have to let your body go when you become a mom, or
good mothers are completely selfless, abound in our society.
These beliefs run deep – even if we don’t buy-in to them on a
conscious level – and can have a profound impact on how we view
our roles as women and mothers. Realize this and be aware that
the concept of self-care may feel foreign and difficult to embrace
at first, to say the least!
One evening, while facilitating a Personal Renewal Group
(PRG) – a self-renewal circle for mothers based on my book, The
Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate and
Re-Balance Your Life – I asked the women to voice what they per-
ceived the barriers to self-care to be.
This is what they shared: they were afraid others would think
they were selfish or otherwise bad moms if they put their needs
first; they felt they shouldn’t really need self-care; they wouldn’t
have time for self-care activities or the activities would be too
expensive; they had a hard time seeing the value, and regardless of
the benefits of self-care, it felt like just one more thing to add to
their to-do list; and last, but most important, they held an under-
lying belief that they were not worthy of self-care. They felt that
they didn’t deserve to make their needs a priority.
24 courageous parents | confident kids
Why Self-care?
at his doorway. “Not right now, sweetie. I had a really hard day
and need to take a few minutes for myself before we begin mak-
ing dinner.” As I headed to my room to rest for a few minutes, I
thought about the wonderful quote from Audrey Lorde, author,
cancer survivor, and marathon athlete: “Caring for myself is not
self-indulgence, it is self-preservation . . .”
I smiled thinking how attuned my son will be as an adult, I
hoped, to how essential self-care is for us all. Not only for the
women in his life now and in the future, but for himself, as well.
Set aside twenty minutes for some quiet reflection. Get comfort-
able: put on some cozy clothes and make some hot or iced herbal
tea. Have your journal nearby in case you want to elaborate on
the exercise below. If the concept of self-care is new to you, take it
slowly and ease into this.
• hat steps can you begin to take this month to make your self-
W
care a priority?
32 courageous parents | confident kids
• ook back at the Why Self-care? list from earlier in the chapter
L
and list your top three reasons for practicing self-care.
For the next thirty days, every morning before you step out of
bed, take five minutes to mentally scan your body and check in
with how you’re feeling. Ask yourself, What do I need to feel nur-
tured and to function at my best today?
Remember the four areas of self-care: emotional, physical, men-
tal, and spiritual. Make it a priority to address whatever comes up
for you, even if it means saying no to something or altering your
schedule for the day. Maybe you need a massage or to go for a
walk. Perhaps you need to cut back on caffeine or sugar, get more
sleep, start taking weekly solo dates or find a therapist or coach
for support on relationship or career issues. Maybe you need to
go to dinner with a friend you haven’t seen in a while and recon-
nect. Taking a minute to do a self-care checkup sends a message to
yourself that you’re committed to your well-being. Your life will
begin to radically change once you start to feel loved, nurtured,
and truly in tune with your own needs. And your children and
family will benefit immeasurably!
Tools for Career Reinvention
Many of us have lamented the fact that babies don’t come with
an instruction manual. Yet think of all the resources out there to
give us a heads up on what to expect with pregnancy, childbirth,
and infancy. Despite all the great advice, solicited and unsolic-
ited, we received to prepare for parenthood, many of us swaddled
our bundles of joy and proudly brought them home not real-
izing we had a knowledge gap about how to integrate parenting
with our careers. Unfortunately, there is no instruction manual
35
36 courageous parents | confident kids
Keep in mind that anything on the deal breaker list above could
be a dream maker instead.
you navigate your current situation and help take you to the next
step on your parenting–career path.
Be Educated
mutual interest, then you can begin to explore the options. More
advice for navigating the complete on-ramping process can be
found in our new guide, The On-Ramping Guide: Tips, Exercises,
and Important Job Search Steps for Returning to Work After Time
Out Raising Kids, available from our Web site.
As we talk with professionals, we are often surprised at how
many folks leave an existing job before they think creatively about
potential changes – reduced hours, some telecommuting, job shar-
ing, a different schedule – and ask for them. Don’t jump to being
a changer or free agent before you consider being a reshaper! Ask-
ing never hurts and you might be surprised to find that you get
what you want, especially if you’ve done your homework (more
on that in a minute).
We can recommend the reshaper strategy from personal expe-
rience: Kella loved a lot of things about her legal counsel job
except the workload, so she proposed turning her position into
a job-share arrangement. Although job sharing had never been
done at her organization, her boss agreed. We think job sharing
is a powerful strategy with a great deal of growth potential. As
a tech company executive, Maryanne was struggling with child
care dilemmas before her first child was born, as were some col-
leagues who were having babies around the same time. When they
approached their bosses about the situation, the managers were
willing to set up an onsite nursery – a win-win for everyone.
Finally, the creative strategy of volunteering your time and
expertise can serve you well whether you are an on-ramper,
changer, or free agent. It might not be the quickest route to a new
job or new client, but it is a great way to get important experience
and build a network that can refer you to other opportunities. Be
smart in the volunteer opportunities you target – choose ones that
give you exposure to an industry, cause, or profession that inter-
ests you and is likely to lead to worthwhile connections.
48 courageous parents | confident kids
Be Tech Savvy
Be Prepared
What is your best defense against the resistance you might meet
from others as you navigate career transitions? Anticipating and
addressing. By anticipating issues and concerns and then proac-
tively addressing them, you are likely to prevent molehills from
turning into mountains. Ready to get prepared?
Do your homework. Anticipate the impact of your career change
on yourself, your family, your boss, and your co-workers. What are
the likely challenges each may face? Are there skills that you need
to beef up to land your desired job? Do you need to restock your
professional wardrobe? Will your family need additional child
care or a revision in household responsibilities based on changing
finances or changing schedules? What concerns might your boss
have if you are proposing an alternative work arrangement? What
about your co-workers?
Map out a plan. Now that you’ve anticipated where you or
others might get stuck, it’s time to map out a written plan for
the situation you desire. Be sure to address any anticipated con-
cerns an employer might have, such as availability, responsiveness,
access to you if you are not physically present, and who provides
for office and equipment use. Likewise, you’ll want to address
50 courageous parents | confident kids
51
52 courageous parents | confident kids
Incessant worrying can keep us from giving our kids the expe-
riences they need to become independent adults. Leadership con-
sultant and author of Mom-in-Chief Jamie Woolf explores the
advantages and challenges of three different parenting “modes.”
Whether each of us is a Liberator, Connector, or Achiever, we can
leverage our natural strengths and feel more joy and success in
what we do once we’re aware of our individual preferred leader-
ship style. One mode is not better than another: the key is to stay
true to yourself. In “I’m Worried I Worry Too Much, But How
Do I Stop?” Jamie helps parents learn how to work with their own
style in a way that decreases unnecessary worry and anxiety.
The Courage to Let Our Kids Solve Their Own Problems
Maya Frost
55
56 courageous parents | confident kids
need or want us to make things easier for her. Obviously, not all
kids would respond to this situation in the same way. In fact, I’m
certain that each of our four daughters would have made dif-
ferent choices if they were faced with the same situation. That’s
why it’s so important for parents to know their kids well and to
recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all approach, even among
siblings! Another daughter might have chosen to participate in a
different way (perhaps doing the minimum required or seeking
more help from classmates) or opted-out completely, but we had
seen that Talya truly relished the challenge. The smartest thing
we did was ask her what she wanted to do rather than assume she
wanted to quit. We listened, and then gave her the chance to do
things her way. She even went above and beyond the call of duty
by writing a speech in Spanish and presenting it to the entire
school! But again, that’s just her. We needed to honor her wishes
and allow her to have this experience in her own way, even if we
had to suffer through our fego!
And suffer we did. The most fego-filled moment for me as a
parent was the parade. Talya was told that she needed to organize
a contingent of cars containing a few classmates and their parents
that would follow her along the coast road. They told her to wear
something “fun” and that she needed to provide T-shirts to her
supporters so that they would be more visible.
On the morning of the parade, she was nervous but very pleased
with herself. We had gone to a party supply store and ordered some
balloons in her spring colors, arranged for an expat friend with a
baby-blue restored fifties convertible to drive her, and purchased
plain yellow T-shirts for her fans to wear and markers for them
to decorate them themselves. She was excited to wear her favorite
dress, a pink satin “cupcake” dress she’d worn as a bridesmaid at a
casual wedding back in Oregon. It was knee-length and strapless,
with a fitted bodice, a black satin sash, and a full skirt thanks to
the courage to let our kids solve their own problems 67
her (fear) and my own humiliation (ego) to dim her joy on this
occasion? What would she have missed if I had stepped in?
A few nights later, watching her curtsy during the coronation
in her heavenly blue gown was one of the proudest parenting
moments of my life. It wasn’t about winning – she came in third
– it was the fact that she had made the most of a very challenging
situation and fully embraced her opportunity. Anyone looking at
her smiling in her beautiful dress with her handsome escort would
assume that this whole festival had been a magical and glamorous
affair filled with friendship and fun, the epitome of every school-
girl’s dream. But we knew what an ordeal it had been and how
she’d had to rise to the occasion on a daily basis. And though she’d
publicly smiled through nearly all of it, we’d witnessed the tears
and frustration and knew that this moment capped a tumultuous
year of her life that had taught her so much about herself.
In my book, The New Global Student, Talya shares this story
and explains that her experience in Mexico gave her a tremendous
amount of strength. She knows that she can literally go anywhere
and do anything and that she can begin as an outsider and even-
tually feel at home. Now a recent college grad – she earned her
BS two weeks after turning 19 – she has had some time to see how
that year affected her.
Whenever I look back on my year in Mexico, I am ab-
solutely astounded by all that I went through and all
that I accomplished. And I am so proud of myself for
being strong, for loosening up, and for being open to
entirely new experiences. There were countless times
when I could have shut down or just refused to partici-
pate in anything. But I kept going for no other reason
than I wanted to see if I could. Now, whenever I have
to face a particularly challenging experience, I always
the courage to let our kids solve their own problems 69
Even though she was only 16, she was able to sign up for inten-
sive Spanish classes at a local university where she sat alongside
college students from the United States and other countries who
were there on study abroad programs. Her Spanish skills were
higher than most – she was put in an intermediate-level class and
was one of the top students. This boosted her confidence and
proved to her that she could handle herself in a classroom with
older students.
Talya also found several tutors to help her with specific top-
ics. We encouraged her to interview each one in a safe, public
place and choose the ones she thought would be best for her.
We were not a part of these interviews at all – we wanted her to
trust her instincts. She selected a young American attorney who
was passionate about literature to guide her through the classics.
Her tutor for history was a young Canadian who had taught at a
university in Toronto. And she met with a young Argentine Ph.D.
candidate for lessons in biology.
By spring, Talya was one of only four students in the advanced
Spanish class at the university along with an MIT grad student and
two bicultural students reigniting their childhood fluency. She
loved the challenge of the university classroom, and we started
exploring options for her to skip the rest of high school and dive
right into college.
We researched a number of ways to do it, and one path emerged
that would be the most affordable and immediate ticket to entry
into a university as a full-time student: the GED.
Fego alert! I felt the fear and ego as we considered this option.
Would she be excluded from opportunities in the future? Would
we be judged as parents who were sabotaging her education?
Fortunately, we’d watched our three other daughters finish high
school in alternative ways – one did a dual enrollment program,
one graduated early, one finished online – and because they’d all
72 courageous parents | confident kids
Though it may be easier to fix things than to watch our kids strug-
gle, we have to be strong enough to allow them to succeed – or
fail. Bold parents learn that there is a dramatic difference between
being supportive and solving our kids’ problems for them. Our
children develop confidence when we 1) encourage them to han-
dle things on their own and 2) give them a chance to be suc-
cessful without our assistance. Being bold as parents allows us to
raise bold young adults; when we become wise mentors who give
our kids opportunities to discover more about themselves and the
world around them, we enable them to develop trust in their own
instincts and their ability to navigate with confidence.
The key to becoming a courageous parent is to pay attention to those
moments when fear and ego are guiding your behavior and make a
conscious shift to focus on your child rather than yourself. Whenever
you are faced with a challenge that stirs up these emotions inside
you, pause and ask yourself these three questions:
1) What is my child feeling right now?
2) What does my child need right now?
3) What will happen if I offer calm parental support – focused
attention on my child’s needs for learning and growth –
rather than allowing my own fear, ego, frustration, or the
need to be “right” guide my response in this moment?
77
78 courageous parents | confident kids
picking up a crying baby will spoil the child, children should be toilet-
trained by a prescribed age, and infants should not be fed on demand.
Instead of ordering and scolding moms, Dr. Spock empowered
them with assurances: “You know more than you think you do”
. . . “Don’t be afraid to trust your own common sense” . . . “Take
it easy, trust your own instincts.” Critics deemed his advice too
permissive.
Dr. Spock’s guidance has helped countless mothers and chil-
dren, and his commercial success has helped inspire the dizzy-
ing array of child care and parenting books published since then.
While access to parenting information is essential, the barrage
of content – and opinions – can be overwhelming. Too often,
instead of trusting their instincts, mothers today question their
parenting skills and are questioned about them.
I crossed paths with Dr. Spock in 1987. He was in his eighties
and spending much of his time sailing the Caribbean with his
much younger, second wife. I was a 22-year-old editorial assistant
at Redbook magazine, where Dr. Spock wrote a monthly child care
column. Although I knew very well despite my young age that
Dr. Spock was not to be confused with Mr. Spock of “Star Trek,”
I did wonder why an octogenarian grandfather was the parenting
columnist for a magazine geared toward multitasking women try-
ing to juggle the needs of career, family, and self. (Interestingly,
even though Dr. Spock passed away in 1998, parenting advice is
still being dispensed under his name at DrSpock.com).
A similar disconnect struck me years later, when I was a stay-
at-home mother. I had left my career as a magazine editor due to
my husband taking a job in Maryland, and for a too-long stretch
we had a commuter marriage during which I spent my weekdays
alone in our suburban New Jersey home with a preschooler and
infant twins. While I was watching a morning news show one day,
an especially primped and polished parenting magazine editor
the courage to become your own parenting “expert” 79
Also pregnant, Justine had read that a specific child discipline strat-
egy needed to be selected, and she somehow got it into her head
that the discipline plan should be launched and ready to go on
Day One. (Did she think her newborn would need a time-out?)
Later, as Justine started looking for child care so she could return
to her job, one of her expectations was that the caregiver would
use the baby’s nap time to read child care and child development
books and magazines. (I promise you, I’m not making this up.)
In her interactions with other moms and caregivers, Justine was
judgmental of people who, in her view, weren’t as cautious and
responsible as she was. Although she returned to her career after
her child was born, she considered herself to be a more devoted
and protective parent than many of her stay-at-home friends. For
instance, a few years later, when I was on bed rest with twins and
my husband was living out of state, Justine raised her eyebrows at
me for allowing my son to be driven places by other moms. With
a tsk-tsk tone, she told me that her nanny was the only person she
and her spouse permitted to drive their daughters.
When I’m being gracious, I view Justine’s parenting-by-text-
book modus operandi and superior attitude as a mask for her
extreme insecurity. She was likely a judgmental friend and a heli-
copter parent precisely because she wasn’t courageous enough
not to be. That happens, to both insecure and secure moms,
because most every day, most every one of us thinks we’re not
doing a good enough job as a mother. We are told by “experts”
what, as mothers, we should and shouldn’t be doing for our
babies and children.
Here’s a little quiz to see just how good a mom you are. Give
yourself 25 points for each rule you actually follow (or followed):
A baby must weigh twenty pounds and be older than 12
months before using a forward-facing car seat
the courage to become your own parenting “expert” 81
celebrity moms who more than likely have employees to care for
their children and homes.
Parenting proclamations about behavior and routines are often
set and promoted by people who, while highly educated and
regarded in their field, generally don’t spend days on end home
alone with children. When as mothers we can’t meet those stan-
dards, we feel bad about ourselves. A healthier model would be for
us to recognize that there’s the ideal world and the real world. Most
mothers live in the real world and interact with real children.
kids from a fast food joint – sometimes with frequency – yet none
of us really wants to admit to doing so.)
Some women, through experience, confidence, or perhaps, a
nonconformist attitude, are able to put the “experts” in their place
from the get-go.
Before becoming a stay-at-home mother of three, Heather was
a nanny and preschool teacher. “Many experts live in ivory towers
rather than in the real world,” she notes. “Stay-at-home mothers
have no breaks and way too much to do, so on occasion we have
to rely on the TV as a ‘babysitter,’ or feed our kids takeout.”
Mother of four Ginny told me, “All of my children slept on
their stomachs as infants, they all had cereal at three weeks, fruit
at six weeks, and whole milk by nine months. None were breast-
fed, they didn’t go to preschool, they didn’t have 45 ‘activities’
that took their time away from just plain old-fashioned being a
child.” (And, adds Ginny, in reassurance to other less than pic-
ture-perfect parents: “Although I cuss like a sailor, my children
don’t curse at all.”)
“I like to think I have a Ph.D. in common sense, which I
believe is far more useful,” says Erin, a New Jersey mother of two
grade schoolers. “Fast food occasionally. They never get out of car
seats unless we’re just down the street, or I don’t have enough for
the carpool, in which case I fasten everyone into seat belts. I think
some parents follow rule books verbatim, but don’t apply them to
the right situations.”
Dixie, whose children are now college-aged, provides some
Zen-like advice to younger parents: “Your instincts are not per-
fect, but they are as valid as many of the child-rearing philoso-
phies that go in and out of style. Read, ask questions, trust those
you respect – and trust your instincts.”
86 courageous parents | confident kids
and bicycle helmets help prevent injuries, but there are more cars
on the road today than in the past, and those cars are moving
at faster speeds. Unlike in my own youth, when parents didn’t
seem to worry much about sexual predators, parents today aren’t
as clueless (or in as much denial). However, since predators can
now access children through the Internet, physical proximity is
no longer the only risk factor.
Other changes have inspired escalated hovering. While a mother
might allow her own kids to horse around in their fenced backyard
while she’s inside, it’s harder for her to do when other children are
visiting; in an age of liability, few moms want to be caught not
watching the children playing in their yard, especially if it has a
swing set, trampoline, or pool. Main Streets and small downtowns
have been replaced by big-box retailers and strip malls. It’s one
thing for a child to walk a few blocks on a sidewalk past other
homes and local businesses to the ice cream shop; it’s another for
that child to venture alongside a six-lane commercial thoroughfare
with no sidewalks and then walk through a vast, asphalt parking
lot to buy ice cream from a gas station mini-mart freezer.
Sometimes, children do move about in the world on their
own, which was the case when journalist Lenore Skenazy let her
nine-year-old son, Izzy, ride the New York City subway alone. An
article Skenazy wrote about Izzy’s self-motivated foray into inde-
pendence landed her on the Today Show, where host Ann Curry
introduced her by asking viewers, “Is she an enlightened mom or
a really bad one?”
As a former New Yorker, I know what Skenazy did wasn’t as
bad as it may appear. Children in the city routinely use mass tran-
sit to get to school and activities. By day, the subway and buses
are busy and populated with people who will help a youngster
or, for that matter, a tourist, in need. Additionally, children can
be in constant contact with parents via cell phones, and in this
the courage to become your own parenting “expert” 89
particular case the child was a savvy New Yorker who was com-
fortable navigating the transit system on his own.
I’ll admit that I occasionally leave my 11-year-old inside our sub-
urban home on his own while I run a nearby errand. I even let him
walk without me from his school bus stop to our house. Do I have
angst about it? Yes, I do. I play tug-of-war with myself between
my desire to protect my son and my duty to help him develop the
independence he wants and needs. It takes courage not to hover.
93
94 courageous parents | confident kids
Dependence to Independence
herself and not worry about what other parents or teachers are
going to think when you drop her off at preschool in the plaid
skirt, striped shirt, and ballet slippers she selected for herself.
It takes even more courage to not drive your fifth grader’s
math homework to school when she repeatedly leaves it at
home. A mom in a recent parenting class arrived thoroughly
distraught over the events of that morning. She shared that on
the way to school, her son announced that he forgot his jour-
nal on the kitchen table. Mom had already informed him that
remembering his journal was going to be his responsibility and
that she would no longer rescue him. She knew she had to stand
by her word, so in that moment, faced with his likely meltdown,
the reality that her son would not be prepared for class, and the
fact that the teacher would fully “expect” her to drive home and
get the journal, she calmly said to her child, “That’s unfortunate.
What ideas do you have to make sure you remember your jour-
nal in the future?” That was a moment of courageous parenting!
Although her son was frantic about going to school that day,
mom contributed to her son’s sense of significance because she
didn’t rescue him. She helped him understand that he is respon-
sible for his own things and that he has control over how his day
will unfold at school.
As Nancy Gibbs reported in her Time magazine article “The
Growing Backlash Against Overparenting,” the school principal
of Belinder Elementary in Prairie Village, Kansas, instituted a “no
rescue” policy “when she noticed the front-office table covered
each day with forgotten lunch boxes and notebooks, all brought in
by parents. The tipping point was the day a mom rushed in with a
necklace meant to complete her daughter’s coordinated outfit.”
In the adolescent years, the perception of significance and per-
sonal capability continues to grow. Each year, the child is able
to master more adult-like tasks, such as keeping track of his cell
98 courageous parents | confident kids
Permissive parents may think they are doing their child a favor by
providing her with boundless freedom, and authoritarian parents
may think they are helping to build their child’s character by pun-
ishing him when he fails to meet their high standards. However,
both ends of the spectrum are examples of fear-based parenting
styles. Permissive parents lack the courage to set and enforce lim-
its that may make the child unhappy in the short-term. A permis-
sive parent would rather be a “friend” in the short-term rather
than courageously hold the child accountable for her behavior
and help her learn an important, enduring lesson.
Excessively strict parenting operates from a foundation of fear
as parents hold on to power with a vice-like grip. Parents make
the rules without family input or buy-in. If the child doesn’t obey
the rules and structure, he is punished. Parents on this end of
the continuum assure themselves they are doing the right thing
by using punishment, which employs blame, shame, or pain to
force the child to conform to established behavioral expectations.
To the strict parent, it’s easier to say no to everything and remain
in control than courageously say yes and risk potentially having
to clean up a mess or pick up the pieces when the child makes a
mistake. Unfortunately, this approach typically backfires in the
long run. Children who are raised in excessively strict homes and
subjected to blame, shame, and pain punishment may initially
comply, but may act out with revenge behaviors down the road.
the power of personal significance for kids of all ages 105
Pendulum Parenting
Jamie Woolf
111
112 courageous parents | confident kids
Instructions. Rank the choices (a, b, and c) below each statement from
1 to 3. Place a 3 next to the answer that best characterizes you in your
parenting role, a 2 next to the answer that somewhat characterizes you,
and a 1 next to the answer that least characterizes you. Be sure to rank
all three choices. Don’t overthink your responses. Be honest – don’t just
respond in the way you feel is socially desirable. There are no good or
bad responses.
Remember: 3 best characterizes you and 1 least characterizes you.
Respond in the context of your parenting role.
8) As a parent, I can be . . .
a) ___ Competitive
b) ___ Over-involved
c) ___ Remote
Scoring. Transfer the number (3, 2, 1) that you wrote in each blank to
the corresponding blank below. For example, if you put a 3 in the first
blank, 1) a, then transfer that below so that 1) a: 3. After you have trans-
ferred your rankings, add up the total score for each of the three catego-
ries. The category with the highest total score indicates your dominant
parenting orientation.
Achievement Individuality
1) a: 1) c:
2) c: 2) a:
3) a: 3) b:
4) c: 4) b:
5) c: 5) b:
6) b: 6) c:
7) b: 7) a:
8) a: 8) c:
total: _______ total: _______
Relationships
1) b:
2) b:
3) c:
4) a:
5) a:
6) a:
7) c:
8) b:
total: _______
116 courageous parents | confident kids
Quiz Interpretation
The mode with the highest total is your preferred style. This is the
mode from which you get the most benefit, because it’s where you
do your best work and achieve your greatest rewards. Typically,
one mode is least developed. This is an area for personal growth.
This is also the area where you may run into struggles with a
co-parent. You may have two scores which are close or tied. This
means both modes are preferred and likely to be demonstrated
depending on the circumstance.
It’s important to remember that like any assessment, this is
only meant to be a starting place to cultivate self-awareness and
open up conversations about your approach to parenting.
Once you understand your Parenting Mode, the next step is to get
clear on your big-picture parenting goals.
I begin most of my parenting seminars with the question,
“What are your primary goals or core values at home?” Typical
responses include:
i’m worried i worry too much, but how do i stop? 119
“Do you have your tennis shoes? How about your bus pass? Do
you need money? Is your cell phone charged? Did you get your
essay from the printer?” Aieee! However well-intentioned I may
feel, the actual message I am conveying to my daughter is You’re
forgetful, dependent, helpless. She’s none of these things. Once I got
clear about my big-picture goal to foster her independence and
self-confidence, I backed off. She forgot her tennis shoes the very
next day and had to put up with a reprimanding PE teacher. Big
deal. Lesson learned.
Do you want your child to experience the pleasure of free-
dom and self-confidence? Let her walk alone to her friend’s house
down the street. Do you want to foster your child’s love of read-
ing? When he’s reading to you and you start to feel impatient as
he stumbles over words, praise his progress and effort and take a
breather. Do you want to strengthen your child’s self-confidence?
When she comes home complaining that she was teased, resist
the temptation to go to school and manage the situation. Take a
breath and then give her a strong message that you’re confident
she has the ability to handle it. You can problem solve with her
in a way that helps her find her own solutions. Are you in power
struggles over your son’s messy room? Remind yourself that your
big-picture goal is to build a nice heart-to-heart connection with
your son, and close his bedroom door. Are you frustrated with
your child’s aimlessness? Knowing that you want to foster his abil-
ity to use his imagination and manage his own time, you may
allow your son to wallow in his boredom for a while rather than
rushing in with an agenda of parent-guided activities. Are you
tired of chores not getting done and tempted to do them yourself?
Take a breath, and remember your big-picture goal is to foster
responsibility; persevere with chore assignments for the whole
family rather than taking over the tasks yourself.
122 courageous parents | confident kids
A Worry Antidote
4) How can you discard the worry and take action in align-
ment with that goal?
124 courageous parents | confident kids
125
126 courageous parents | confident kids
S ometimes it takes courage to send our kids into the world, and
these days, thanks to the Internet, the world also comes to us
in new ways.
Whether we are participating in the physical or virtual world,
there are many safety skills that we all need to know. Unfortu-
nately, we, as parents, are often bombarded with scary stories but
are rarely taught the skills that we, and our children, need to stay
safe. No matter how old our kids are, and whether or not they are
having independent experiences yet, it’s not too early to educate
ourselves about these issues. After all, parents of even very young
children make important judgments about child safety, such as
whom to choose as a babysitter, how much direct supervision a
child needs in a variety of situations, and what information is
appropriate to share about their family online.
This section begins with an introduction to the personal safety
skills kids need as they develop and their independence grows,
presented by Irene van der Zande, co-founder and Executive
Director of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International. This
grassroots organization has had a major impact: over the past
twenty years, Kidpower has taught personal safety skills to over
1.2 million people worldwide. As parents, we want to keep our
children safe and foster their independence, but with all of the
different ways that children can experience harm, these goals
sometimes seem at odds with each other. But as Irene explains
in “Kidpower: Skills for Safety, Skills for Independence,” safety
and independence actually go hand in hand. She introduces us to
personal safety skills and effective ways to teach them to our kids
(and learn them ourselves). The key to raising kids into indepen-
dent, capable young adults is to help them develop the tools they
need to navigate their world with safety and confidence.
real-world safety skills for all 127
129
130 courageous parents | confident kids
This journey started over thirty years ago, when I was a new
mother walking down the street carrying my tiny baby and expe-
riencing a sense of vulnerability that I had never felt before. Over-
whelmed with love, I cradled my baby, Chantal, in my arms and
wondered how either of us was going to survive her growing up.
Life seemed abundantly full of joy that I wanted to share with
Chantal – and treacherously full of danger that I wanted to pro-
tect her from. I felt totally responsible for everything she did and
everything that might happen to her and unsure whether I was
up to the job.
One night, Chantal choked on her spit and my husband, Ed, and
I were awakened by a strangled scream that got both of our hearts
pounding. As soon as we picked her up, she quickly calmed down,
but I couldn’t stop shaking. I turned to Ed and wailed, “I should
have stopped this from happening to her! I’m a terrible mother!”
Ed gently pointed out that Chantal needed to learn for herself
how to breathe while she swallowed her spit, because as much as I
wanted to, I couldn’t do that for her. He reminded me that, even
as a tiny newborn with both of her parents asleep in the middle
of the night, our baby had been able to yell for help when she
needed it – and that we had been there to help her.
As courageous parents, our challenge is to find the right bal-
ance between letting our kids grow up and keeping them safe
while they do it. To do this, we need to understand what they
are capable of, what problems they might face, how to give them
the tools they need to deal with these problems, and when to do
things for them or let them do things on their own.
Kidpower was inspired by my own search to find answers as
a parent, especially after a disturbed man threatened to kidnap a
group of young children in my care, including my seven-year-old
daughter and four-year-old son, during an outing in 1985. Even
though I stopped him by yelling to attract attention and help, this
kidpower: skills for safety, skills for independence 131
belts and car seats and not text messaging while we drive, we can
reduce the risks and keep the benefits of using our cars. We can
apply the same common-sense approach to other decisions we
make for our children.
We need to accept that no matter how careful we are, bad
things might happen that are simply out of our control. Yet, we
should not let those possibilities rule our lives or unnecessarily
curtail our kids’ experiences. We want to take reasonable precau-
tions and teach our children the skills they need to safely, con-
fidently enjoy their lives, rather than living in an unnecessarily
restricted, fearful bubble.
We want our children to see their lives as an adventure, rather
than seeing uncertainty as a cause for worry and fear. When prob-
lems come up, we want our children to see themselves as explorers
of life, overcoming challenges, not as victims of the unexpected.
Kidpower gives families the skills they need to confidently
approach life with safety and independence.
The problem was that Ed and I were simply not prepared for
the fact that our daughter could reach more from a standing posi-
tion than she could when she was crawling on the floor. As soon
as we understood, we moved things out of her way, watched her
as best we could, and worked hard at teaching her to understand
phrases like “Hot!” and “Don’t touch!”
As parents, we can prevent many upsetting experiences by
anticipating what is going to change when a child reaches a new
level of development. Whether the issues are about People Safety
or anything else, each change in skill, awareness, and situation
leads to a need for reassessment. As children get older, we can
expect changes in several areas.
Their abilities increase. This brings both more risks, as they have
more freedom, and more opportunities to learn.
Their understanding increases. Children may worry about new
situations or problems as they become more aware of them. As
their understanding and knowledge of the world grows, our abil-
ity to discuss things with them also grows.
Their boundaries change. The preschooler who sat for hours
on our laps and told us everything becomes a preteenager with a
great need for privacy and personal space.
They go to more places and meet more people. Part of what makes
life interesting and exciting is being able to do new things, but
assuming that each new place and person will be okay or not
okay is a mistake. Instead, our job as adults is to pay attention to
potential problems and to give children tools both for telling us
about their concerns and for finding solutions.
Their need for independence grows. We do not want to abandon
children before they are ready, but we do want to support their
development by fostering their independence and ability to care
for themselves.
Over time, children will eventually grow from being in our
kidpower: skills for safety, skills for independence 135
“I feel awful that Chad was embarrassed, but I’m glad that
nothing worse happened. We’re going to be changing that ‘always
do what adults tell you’ habit to a ‘notice what you need and
speak up to take care of yourself ’ habit!”
We don’t have to beat ourselves up every time we learn a par-
enting life lesson like this one. We don’t have to hold ourselves
to perfect ideals – we need to have the courage to learn from our
mistakes! As poet Maya Angelou says, “You did then what you
knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better.” This
is true for us, and our children.
Life is always throwing out new challenges, especially for grow-
ing kids. Rehearsing solutions for different problems prepares
children to make conscious decisions instead of getting stuck in
denial or reacting without thinking. Kidpower training increases
peoples’ awareness so that they can avoid problems before they
get serious. Our training also increases students’ skills in dealing
with dangerous or confusing situations. Having these skills helps
people move past denial and panic, opening up more safe choices
of how to respond in a variety of situations.
Tell your children that they do not have to worry about strang-
ers if they follow your safety rules – and there are rules that are
specific to interacting with strangers. If young children are by
themselves, the safety rule is to come and check first with you
before they get close to or talk with anyone they don’t know well.
You can role-play this with your children. Pretend that a friendly-
acting stranger is approaching your children, and have them prac-
tice coming to you to check first before talking to someone they
don’t know.
Discuss with your children specific examples about what it
means to know someone well or not. For example, you might
say, “The mail carrier is a very familiar person that you see almost
every day, but this person is still a stranger. We don’t know where
the mail carrier lives or anything about her family. Your teacher
was a stranger to you the first day of school, but it was okay for
you to stay with him without me because I told you it was okay.
Now that you’ve spent lots of time together, your teacher is not
a stranger to you anymore.” As you go about your daily lives, ask
them to point out who is a stranger and who is not, and why.
When your children get old enough to be on their own with-
out you, their safety rule is to think first before interacting with
a stranger, check with you when necessary, and know how to get
help. There are some situations in which kids can’t check first and
will need to decide on the best way to get help from a stranger.
Discuss and practice different safety plans for getting help from
strangers if your children cannot find you to check with first. For
example, this could include a conversation about making a safety
plan to follow if you ever get separated from each other in a large
store. Then the child would want to ask for help from the person
at the checkout counter, or if that doesn’t work, a kid could seek
out a woman with children and ask her to help look for you.
In our Kidpower workshops, we talk about other emergencies
kidpower: skills for safety, skills for independence 143
feel more awkward about these rehearsals than kids! If you’re ner-
vous about role-playing, remember to capture the spirit of your
children’s imaginative play.
For example, you could say, “Use your imagination and pre-
tend I’m a friend your age who wants to roughhouse, but you
don’t feel like it.” Start acting like you want to wrestle and coach
your child to step back, move your hands away, and say in a firm,
polite voice, “Please stop. I don’t want to wrestle.” Act as if you
have hurt feelings and coach your child to say, “I don’t want to
hurt your feelings. I just don’t want to wrestle!”
in helping you see how well your child can stay safe out in the real
world. This is how co-piloting works: before you let your child do
an activity alone, you tag along on that activity with your child,
letting your child lead the way. This gives your child the oppor-
tunity to show you what he or she can do, and it gives you the
opportunity to notice any unexpected problems and to ask ques-
tions to check on your child’s understanding.
For example, when Chantal was five, she wanted to be able to
walk across the street from her summer school program to her
brother’s day care without having me come and get her. Even
though the school was directly across the street from the day care,
there were lots of parents around, and the street had a crossing
guard, I was very nervous about the idea. I followed Chantal as
she walked ahead of me on the route she would take from her
summer school door to the day care center, so that I could see
exactly what she was doing.
As we walked, I peppered her with questions: “If someone stops
their car and starts to talk with you, what will you do? If some-
one has a puppy, what will you do? If someone you know tries
to give you a ride, what will you do?” My child’s calm awareness
as she walked, the level of supervision around, and her answers
reassured me that she was ready to take this step toward indepen-
dence. However, while co-piloting, we noticed one glitch – the
day care center door was sometimes locked. Co-piloting made it
possible to see this problem ahead of time and make a plan for the
day care staff to watch for Chantal, and for how, if need be, she
could find someone to let her inside.
Another idea on the use of co-piloting came from one of
our most experienced instructors, Erika Leonard, when she was
teaching a workshop on Internet safety. Since many children are
ahead of their parents when it comes to use of the Internet and
other technologies, parents often feel unsure about how to set
boundaries for and keep track of their children’s digital activities.
kidpower: skills for safety, skills for independence 149
Children are safest when they know that the adults in their lives
are paying attention to what they are doing and are helpful people
to come to with problems. Even after children are used to doing
an activity on their own, it is important to continue to check in
and review safety plans and skills. People can change. Situations
can change. Problems can develop that were not there before.
One girl tearfully told me in a workshop about her best friend,
whose parents were going through a divorce. Her own parents
just assumed that she was still happy spending the night at her
friend’s house, since she had done so for years. Unfortunately,
150 courageous parents | confident kids
Linda Criddle
Mention the words Internet and child in the same sentence and
most parents start getting anxious – and it’s no wonder, given the
sensationalized press coverage of many online crimes.
151
152 courageous parents | confident kids
What is a Predator?
Many adults think that there are three primary risks for kids
online – sexual predators, inappropriate material, and cyberbul-
lies. However, this view fails to account for the underlying factors
that put users at risk of online abuse. Users of any age expose
themselves to Internet risk when they:
Fail to consider what information they actually share, its
value, and whether they should share it at all
Fail to identify trustworthiness or lack of trustworthiness
in the people, Web sites, content, and businesses they
interact with
Fail to understand predatory behavior and motives in the
broadest sense, including bullying, stalking, scamming,
thieving, and sexual predation
154 courageous parents | confident kids
Once you understand these core risk factors, you can minimize
them for yourself and your children by assessing how these may
apply to any new online activity or service you or your kids want
to start using. But the time to do this is in advance of participating
in any new online activity or service.
Knowing what risks are common to all users is the first step in
developing safety consciousness. Understanding how these risks
are manifested and what you can do to reduce or eliminate them
is the next step.
A basic understanding of how Internet risks occur helps to
place any Internet safety advice in context. Take a moment to
consider each of the five factors that contribute to the current
online environment.
Technology flaws. Not all online services are equally safe. In the
same way different car companies vary on their safety records,
Internet products and services may be more or less safe. Online
products and services can put consumers at risk – either because
the companies who offer them fail to secure their customers’ data
and are hacked, or because they fail to build adequate safeguards
and safety messaging into their products.
It would be great if consumers could consult a comprehensive
list that ranked each company or service on safety features, pri-
vacy settings, and consumer-friendly policies, but this doesn’t yet
exist. You can, however, ask around and compare alternatives. For
example, you have probably heard about the social networking
sites Facebook and MySpace, but there are many other similar
sites that take considerably stronger approaches to safety and user
privacy – as well as sites that do a poorer job.
At the end of this chapter you will find an Internet Safety Bill
of Rights to help you consider what expectations you should have,
and what you should demand, of online services.
Holes in consumer protection standards. The products and ser-
vices we use in our day-to-day lives undergo rigorous safety test-
ing. Everything from the food we eat to the cars we drive must
meet safety standards. Companies that fail to meet these standards
are subject to product recall notices, fines, and lawsuits.
This assumption of safety cannot be extended to the online
environment, because there are no compliance standards in place.
Though segments of Internet industries have best practices, these
are not required standards, and there is no established entity that
oversees consumer safety online. This lack of oversight means it is
critical for you to check the reputation of the companies and Web
sites you, or your children, want to use and understand that your
best interests are not inherently protected.
Criminal and abusive acts. Placing the word cyber in front of
how to say “yes” to your kids’ online activities 157
Creating an Environment
for Family Safety Collaboration
m
160 courageous parents | confident kids
Concept: Safe email aliases (the part of the email address before
the @ symbol).
Demonstrable Skill: Your child creates a safe email alias.
For children, aliases should not include their name, age, or
location; also, aliases should not reference emotions or anything
provocative. Make them fun, and take the time to help them make
several choices that show they have mastered the skill.
Examples of poor choices include:
• s [email protected] – shows first name, gender,
age, and location
• J [email protected] – gives a full name (which
may be appropriate for adults, but should never be exposed
with children) which, when combined with any location
information, makes a home address easy to obtain
• S [email protected] – sexually suggestive and
contains last name
Examples of good choices include:
• [email protected]
• [email protected]
• [email protected]
Child’s Responsibility: I will protect my email alias and not give it
to strangers.
m
Concept: Safe passwords.
Demonstrable Skill: Your child consistently creates strong pass-
words that include numbers, letters, and symbols.
Passwords do not have to be hard to remember – just hard to
how to say “yes” to your kids’ online activities 161
guess. They should not include your child’s name, age, or loca-
tion, dates, family members’ information, or anything else easily
guessed. They should be at least eight characters in length and
include a mix of letters, numbers, and symbols. Make creating
strong passwords fun. Hint: text message shortcuts can make cre-
ating strong passwords easy.
• 2 bOrNot2b? (to be or not to be, that is the question)
• ROFL@MyCat (rolling on the floor laughing at my cat)
• i8myCookie (I ate my cookie)
• I’mAGr8guy (I’m a great guy)
Take time to play with password options until your child has
mastered the skill.
Child’s Responsibility: I will not share my passwords with others,
and I will not ask others to share their passwords with me; friends
don’t ask friends for passwords.
m
Concept: Inappropriate content.
Demonstrable Skill: Your child notifies you when they suspect that
content is inappropriate.
If your child is only emailing with people you know and trust,
there should be little risk of inappropriate content sharing, but
it can happen, and the time to talk about it is before an incident
occurs. With younger kids, role-play how they can get your help,
and with older kids, discuss the issue more deeply.
Child’s Responsibility: If anything upsets me or feels wrong, I will
talk to my parent about it.
The parent’s responsibility is to respond appropriately – punishing
your child by taking away their Internet access or freaking out will
only mean they do not come to you next time there is a problem.
m
162 courageous parents | confident kids
m
Concept: Spam, scams, phishing attacks, and malware.
Demonstrable Skill: Your child consistently identifies spam email.
No matter how well you help your kids set their filters, some
junk mail is going to get through, so they have to master the skill
how to say “yes” to your kids’ online activities 163
m
Concept: Email claims are not inherently true.
Demonstrable Skill: Your child uses online resources to verify the
validity of email claims.
In addition to learning Spot the Spam skills, there are several
sites, like www.snopes.com, where you can look up to see if the
email is a known scam. Go to Snopes and let your child use the
site until they have mastered searching the site for answers.
Child’s Responsibility: I will take the time to find out if an email is
telling me the truth before acting on it or forwarding it.
m
164 courageous parents | confident kids
m
Concept: Stop chain email.
Demonstrable Skill: Your child identifies chain email and deletes it.
A particularly frustrating email phenomenon is the virtual
chain letter. These messages may or may not contain malicious
links or downloads, but they always clog up email servers and
jeopardize the continuous flow of legitimate email. Teach your
child how to identify chain email and to always delete it.
Child’s Responsibility: I understand that forwarding chain emails
harms the overall flow of legitimate email across servers, and can
how to say “yes” to your kids’ online activities 165
m
Concept: Respect others’ privacy when forwarding email.
Demonstrable Skill: Your child consistently uses the bcc: line when
forwarding email to more than one person.
Protecting the privacy of others is a very critical Internet safety
skill. Teach your child how to use the bcc: (blind carbon copy)
line provided by your email service. Teach them to never send an
email that exposes their friends’ email aliases to others. If they
want to send an email to people who do not know each other,
they should place everyone’s email on the bcc: line and only place
their own email alias on the to: line.
Child’s Responsibility: I will not expose my friends’ or family’s
email accounts to others without their permission. I will use the
bcc: line to protect peoples’ identities.
m
Concept: Respect others’ privacy even when you are no longer
friends.
Demonstrable Skill: You child continues to protect the privacy of
former friends.
Kids’ – and adults’ – alliances change: best friends have falling
outs, a boyfriend one day may be an enemy the next, and so on.
However, something told in confidence during friendship should
remain in confidence even if your child and the other child are no
longer friends. Teach your child integrity both offline and online.
It’s not just a critical Internet skill; it’s a critical life skill.
Child’s Responsibility: I will respect the privacy of others even if I
no longer like them.
m
166 courageous parents | confident kids
By breaking it down into elements, you can easily see how to mas-
ter – and teach – Internet safety as it relates to email. Once your
child has demonstrated to you that they have mastered these con-
cepts, skills, and responsibilities, you can confidently say, “Yes,
you are now ready, and you have my permission, to use email.”
It is important to note that mastery of these skills and accep-
tance of online social responsibilities are not just requirements
for kids; they apply to users of all ages. Parents frequently expose
more information about themselves and others than their chil-
dren do and are more at risk for spam scams.
It is critical to understand, and to help your child understand,
that the responsibility for demonstrating mastery of the concepts,
skills, and responsibilities lies with your child. They need to be the
one to take ownership of their online actions and must be able to
demonstrate to you their preparedness. Your responsibility is to
help them learn. It’s like swimming: until your child can demon-
strate that they are able to safely swim across the pool, climb out,
and follow the rules, they can’t swim alone. The only one who can
demonstrate this is the child herself.
There will be slip-ups, particularly when your child is first
learning new skills or starting out on new online services. When
mistakes happen, it is essential that you understand whether they
erred because they did not clearly understand a safety concept,
have not entirely mastered the skills needed, or willfully placed
themselves or others in harm’s way by shirking the responsibilities
they have to themselves, their family, and the Internet commu-
nity at large.
If the slip-up was caused by a lack of understanding or lack of
skill mastery, the solution is to step back and review the concepts
and skills and let your child practice these in a safe environment
until they can again demonstrate their preparedness.
If the slip-up was deliberate, they have broken your trust and
168 courageous parents | confident kids
will need to figure out how to fix the mess and regain your trust
before they regain the privilege of using that particular service or
functionality. Again, it is your child’s responsibility to show they
are able to act appropriately. It is in their power to show they are
up to the task, or not. This way, the blame doesn’t land on you
and some indefinable, arbitrary reason why you will or won’t let
them use an online service.
As your children step up to more advanced Internet ser-
vices like social networking, the same steps apply. Break down
the service to the features it offers and map out the concepts,
skills, and responsibilities that accompany them. You can learn
more about what is needed for several types of services on
www.iLookBothWays.com.
You can, and should, say yes to your child’s Internet use as soon
as they have shown that they understand the concepts, accept the
responsibilities, and have the skills needed to stay safe online.
As parents, our responsibility is to ensure that when our chil-
dren reach the age of 18 and are ready to step out into the broader
world, they are prepared to do so. Part of their preparation is
the opportunity to learn and use all types of online tools and
services. And as is true with other skills we teach our children,
they need the opportunity to practice and sometimes fail in an
environment where we are there to pick them up and help them
get back on track.
Failing to prepare our children for our digital society is failing
to prepare them for adult life. By breaking down each new online
service into a concrete set of concepts, skills, and responsibilities,
you can confidently help your children learn to use online tools
safely – you can say yes.
how to say “yes” to your kids’ online activities 169
As you evaluate the services that you and your children use, under-
stand the tremendous power you have as a consumer. If consum-
ers are unhappy with a service and stop using it, the service will
quite literally collapse. Let services know what you like and don’t
like, and encourage your friends and family to do the same.
As consumers you can – and should – vote with your feet if
the experience you’re having on a service doesn’t meet your expec-
tations. You can make a difference. Your safety rights won’t be
established in Internet programs and services overnight. But if
you let companies know what you think, these rights will surely
be delivered faster.
2) You have the right to set your own terms for your online experi-
ence (within the constraints of the law).
• You have the right to get content that matches your values
and block content you do not wish to see, no matter what
your age.
• You have the right to set boundaries so that you are only
exposed to the level of potential risk you’re comfortable
with, whether you’re more or less risk-averse. This includes
being able to manage the online experience of minors in
your care.
•
You have the right to know if you are being monitored
online and how you are being monitored: this includes
which of your activities are being tracked and to whom
they are being reported. Your children have this right, too.
3) You have the right to expect online products and services to guard
your safety and privacy.
• You have the right to feel confident that products and ser-
vices will not be released to the public without undergoing
rigorous safety, privacy, and legal reviews and testing.
how to say “yes” to your kids’ online activities 171
• You have the right to know the privacy and safety policies of
online products and services. These should be easy to find
and written in terms that are easy to understand.
• You have the right to easily report abuse of or through the
products you and your family use. You also have the right
to know how well the company enforces its policies and to
expect immediate action from the company.
• You have the right to expect a product recall notice or alert
if a significant safety risk is discovered in an online product
or service.
173
174 courageous parents | confident kids
Joanne Bamberger
I’ve been a political geek all my life. I’m not really sure what gave
me the bug, but whatever it was, I’ve had it for a long time. How-
ever, my journey through motherhood refined and amplified my
true political voice, even though there have been times when it
would have been easier to keep my beliefs to myself. I’ve found
177
178 courageous parents | confident kids
that other women say they have also felt more politically motivated
after they had children, though when asked if they view themselves
as political creatures, the answer is often a resounding no.
Growing numbers of mothers are awakening their political
selves and embracing a model of civil discourse that moves away
from the shouting matches that typify political debate in the
mainstream media. My journey to political motherhood has been
one of finding the courage to say and write what I believe, hoping
that speaking up will help bring about the change I want to see
for my daughter and stepdaughters.
Looking back, maybe it was the subscription to Time maga-
zine my aunt and uncle gave me for Christmas when I was in
middle school that created that first spark of political engage-
ment, or maybe it was our cute high school civics teacher! It
could have been the televised Watergate hearings I was glued to
during the summer of 1974, even though my mother implored
me to get some fresh air. Or it could have been the mock presi-
dential convention I attended at our local college during my
senior year in high school, where I proudly and nervously cast
our delegation’s “votes.”
To the dismay of my über-practical parents, I majored in polit-
ical science in college. Since it was the 1970s, I was more than
familiar with the work of women’s movement icons like Gloria
Steinem, super-feminist and one of the founders of Ms. Magazine,
and Betty Friedan, author of The Feminine Mystique and one of
the founders of the National Organization for Women (NOW).
But it was hard to get my teenage head around other notions that
stood in opposition to my own worldview.
I’ll never forget my naïve shock at the realization that there
were others at the total opposite end of the women’s political spec-
trum: women like Phyllis Schlafly, who organized the movement
that single-handedly prevented the passage of the Equal Rights
becoming a political parent 179
where the things she fought for weren’t viewed as a birthright for
her daughters.
U.S. Senator Amy Klobuchar from Minnesota often tells the
story of how her political side came to the forefront after she was
tossed out of the hospital 24 hours after delivering her daughter,
who had a variety of medical issues at birth. As a result, Klobuchar,
who was not then a public figure, mobilized her friends (many of
them pregnant!) and made sure they were present at the hearings
in her state about whether insurers should be required to allow
new mothers to stay in the hospital for up to 48 hours. As she tells
the story, the chances of that legislation getting passed in Minne-
sota didn’t look good, but the pregnant women outnumbered the
lobbyists present and they were able to convince the lawmakers
otherwise. A wise lesson learned: you just don’t get in the way of
angry, activist pregnant women!
Reflecting on them, and on my own journey into motherhood,
I got angry about the equal rights that were not yet a reality. I
knew that if things were the same and women were still fighting
against sexist treatment when my new daughter became a woman,
I’d really feel that I had let the next generation down.
What if my ten-year-old is still fighting for equal pay when she’s
a woman? I wondered. When I was a teen, just clueing in to the
realities of the world, I assumed we would be laughing today in
disbelief that there once was a time when women earned less
money than men for the same job. I believed that my NOW but-
ton that said “59¢” would be a quaint collector’s item. Thirty years
after wearing that button, I can’t believe the current version says
“77¢” and not “$1.” I’d be willing to bet that pay-discrimination
plaintiff Lilly Ledbetter probably felt the same way!
I had thought that by today, paid maternity leave and insur-
ance-covered maternity care would be the rule not the exception,
never envisioning anything like Republican Senator Jon Kyl’s out-
becoming a political parent 183
I still see so many smart, talented, savvy women who say they
can’t be political – that they don’t know enough and worry that if
they speak out they will get things wrong, others will attack them,
or they will alienate friends who don’t agree with their views. They
lament that it takes too much time to read up on what’s going on or
that they don’t have the time to pitch in for campaigns and rallies.
But I would like to convince all mothers that despite the challenges
of speaking up, we can’t afford to sit on the sidelines any longer.
Women may find it more difficult to speak out than men
because we’re socialized from a very young age to be nice, polite
girls, who don’t interrupt, contradict others, or start fights. Con-
sequently, our feelings get hurt when people disagree with us
or challenge our opinions and actions. For example, both male
and female attorneys often deal with nasty personal attacks from
opposing counsel – that’s one of the reasons I stopped practicing
law. My mental and physical health suffered as a result of other
attorneys using, for the benefit of their clients, whatever tactics
they thought would wear me down, whether those means were
approved by the rules of procedure or not. But for my attorney
husband, enduring such behavior is just the price of doing busi-
ness, and he ignores it. Other female former lawyers I’ve talked
to say they’ve noticed this gender difference as well. And it’s this
same prospect of suffering personal attacks that keeps women
afraid of expressing themselves online.
Given the current media environment, it’s hard not to think of
political writing or commentary as something that is potentially
confrontational or meanspirited. After all, that has become the
new wave in cable news. But with the communities parents have
created online, there is an amazing opportunity to have our col-
lective voices heard in new ways.
That’s where our blogs come in. This still-new, grassroots plat-
form has empowered us to put new ideas out there and, in some
becoming a political parent 185
193
194 courageous parents | confident kids
The “glass ceiling” is often the first thing that comes to mind
when people talk about modern women’s inequality in the work-
place. (To be sure, the glass ceiling is still quite solid. Right now
there are only 15 women CEOs at Fortune 500 companies.) Yet
there is another barrier to career advancement that often keeps
mothers from even getting near the glass ceiling in the first place:
the Maternal Wall.
196 courageous parents | confident kids
Bureau of Labor Statistics told me, “We don’t specifically track stay-at-
home moms because they aren’t relevant to the labor force.”
Not relevant? Imagine the uproar if the government decided to
call any other segment of the population irrelevant. The absence
of full-time parents in U.S. Census data is especially disconcerting
because the census is supposed to provide a snapshot of American
life that drives public funding, political policy, consumer market-
ing, and much more. The federal government uses census data to
allocate funds for economically disadvantaged persons, job train-
ing, public assistance programs, and other services. The private
sector uses the same data to help in formulating marketing plans,
developing products, and selecting office and plant sites. Legisla-
tive bodies use census data to develop laws to assist underrepre-
sented groups and for community planning. Invisibility in the
census thus has rippling repercussions and long-term financial
consequences.
As of 2010, there still aren’t any plans to ask a question about
full-time parenthood on the U.S. Census.
I continued researching. I kept pulling on the string of star-
tling facts, and, like a magician’s scarf, it seemed to never end. My
worldview was changing as the research piled up in folders on my
desk. Until I had children, I mistakenly thought that the women
who came before me – women like my great-grandmother, grand-
mother, and mother – had mostly accomplished the fight for
women’s rights issues in our nation. But as more and more data
emerged, I realized that the fight for equality was far from over.
I picked up the baton.
Incensed by the invisibility and economic vulnerability of
moms, I started writing magazine articles about these issues, even-
tually writing a book about the current state of women’s equality
in our nation, The F-word: Feminism in Jeopardy – Women, Poli-
tics, and the Future. In my articles and book, I shine a spotlight
200 courageous parents | confident kids
There’s one thing we all know: the voices of mothers are power-
ful. Working together, we can indeed move mountains, much less
policy. After toilet training a two-year-old, taking on corporate
lobbyists is not very difficult.
MomsRising.org is using the power of moms, reaching out
to busy people online and in person, to work toward breaking
down the Maternal Wall. We engage mothers with an agenda that
crosses social, cultural, and economic divides and welcome those
who have never before participated in political change. One of
our members named Kymberlee told us how she felt about getting
involved: “Thank you, MomsRising, for giving me the courage to
call our state legislators for the first time, during my lunch hour. I
never dreamed I could fit lobbying into my busy schedule! I can-
not wait to start seeing the amazing impact this bill will have.”
MomsRising’s successes thus far are due to our commitment
to connect with members in the ways that work best for them. In
addition to using tried and true on-the-ground organizing tactics,
we engage members through phone, email, text messages, blogs,
Twitter, Facebook, and other social media. We constantly listen to
becoming a family-friendly america 205
the top issues of our members and pick those issues up when there
is enough momentum to “ride the waves of change.”
Why is this type of multiple-approach citizen engagement so
important right now? A key reason is that we live in a dynamic,
hectic environment where ever-busier Americans work more hours
per week than workers in most any other nation, and each person
receives a total of over three thousand direct and indirect media
marketing messages per day. It’s becoming harder and harder to
break through this static to have our voices heard.
On the positive side, new doors are opening. Emerging tech-
nology platforms offer new political tactics and an increasing
number of ways for citizens to become politically engaged.
We see it as our job at MomsRising to bring our members
as many tools as possible to break through the communications
static we each are bathed in every day to have their voices heard
by key decision makers. Fortunately, today’s new version of politi-
cal engagement includes a continuum of opportunities, from join-
ing an online community that matches one’s values and beliefs,
to sharing personal stories and support, to attending an in-person
meeting at a U.S. Senator’s office. Today, electoral engagement,
legislative advocacy, and actions toward cultural change can easily
be broken down into small pieces; anyone can have an impact from
a living room chair in the time between getting home from work
and eating dinner. The choice for where to spend precious citizen
engagement time is in the hands of each of our members. Our job
at MomsRising is to open as many avenues as possible for people
to have their voices heard, so people can choose from a menu of
engagement options to find those that fit in their busy lives.
MomsRising believes that in our harried modern world, it can
be very powerful – and is often necessary – to use as many advo-
cacy strategies as possible at the same time in order to most effec-
tively have our voices heard. These include face-to-face tools such
206 courageous parents | confident kids
increases in funding for child care and Head Start and improve-
ments to the child tax credit to benefit low-income families were
included in the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.
Product safety and environmental health. We continue to educate
the public about the need to ban the toxic plastics additive bisphe-
nol-A (BPA) in baby bottles and stop the use of other toxins in baby
products and toys that affect the health of our families. MomsRis-
ing was recognized in The Washington Post as being a major force
behind the successful pressuring of major retailers to stop selling
baby bottles that contained BPA. Additionally, we worked suc-
cessfully with the Breast Cancer Fund and other environmental
groups to create the public pressure needed for both houses of
Congress to pass the Consumer Products Safety Improvement Act
in 2008 – enacting the toughest lead standards in the world and
banning six phthalates from children’s products. President Bush
signed this legislation into law on August 14, 2008.
Speaking Up Is Essential
toward better family economic security can take very little time
for each of us on a day-to-day basis. But by each of us taking a
bit of time each week, along with the rest of our members – and
moms across the nation – taking a bit of time each week, together
we’ll have a lasting impact on future generations.
Yes, together, all of our efforts, small and large, will go a long
way toward toppling the Maternal Wall so that our children have
better economic security when they raise their children.
I can’t wait to see the world in which my son raises his children,
and to see my ring on my daughter’s finger one day as she raises
her own children in a nation that does better by women and fami-
lies than we do today.
It Takes a Motherhood
Emily McKhann and Cooper Munroe are the founders of the award-
winning community for moms, www.TheMotherhood.com.
Here’s a fun fact – the word courage comes from the French word
for heart, coeur, so it actually means “the ability to stand by one’s
heart or one’s core.”
The way we see it, to tap our own courageousness, we must get
to the heart of what matters to us and find our voice from there.
We are the founders of a Web community for mothers called
TheMotherhood.com, where finding one’s center – and the cour-
age that goes with it – comes through receiving the input, help,
and support of other moms.
Every day in TheMotherhood.com, women turn to each other
for support, to say, “Oh hon, I’ve so been there,” or “I’ve got an
idea for you to think about,” or “You go, girl!” or even just, “I
hear you.”
211
212 courageous parents | confident kids
That’s how it’s been for us. Moms on the Web have been the
wind at our backs and have given us the courage to build the
online neighborhood of our maternal dreams.
We never in a million years would have predicted this path
for ourselves, but glancing in the rear-view mirror now, we can
see that our entire journey has led us here, exactly where we are
meant to be.
Back in 2004 (we’ve worked together on and off for twenty
years now), we set out to write a book about “parenting in the big
picture,” and early on decided to try out blogging to brainstorm
content and gather feedback for the book. We called our blog
Been There.
We had no idea what would unfold: how we would get to
know amazing mothers who were also blogging, and how often
they would write just what we each needed to hear at any given
moment. Over and over, as we read blogs by moms and dads
who had “been there” too, we found support, understanding,
laughs, and insight, and were completely blown away by the
power of it all.
Our lives took a decided turn when the levees broke in New
Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and we converted our blog into a
grassroots donation bulletin board, the Been There Clearinghouse.
Thanks to our readers (mostly moms) getting the word out, thou-
sands upon thousands of people started coming to the site. The
donors and recipients (again mostly moms) came from all walks
of life.
Our Clearinghouse went on to win the Best of Blogs Award
for Most Inspirational Blog of 2005. We made deep and lasting
connections with the many mothers and others who told their
stories, gave of themselves, and found inspiration through the
Clearinghouse.
The Clearinghouse opened our eyes to the fact that mothers
it takes a motherhood 213
What We Learned
Media Influences
Mainstream media isn’t helping us. Family life is portrayed in
such a negative light in articles, television programs, and studies
that one might think the American family is distinguished only
by its dysfunction.
The media is invested in making us feel anxious, creating
problems, and then selling the solutions back to us.
v Amy Tiemann, Courageous Parents, Confident Kids editor
it takes a motherhood 215
We all know this. Study after study tells us: babies aren’t stim-
ulated enough; math scores are down; colleges won’t accept our
kids unless they’re in a gazillion extracurricular activities starting
at age five; and we shouldn’t tell our children they did a “good
job” on anything because we will damage their self-esteem for-
ever. But wait. We are also told our kids are also over-scheduled,
overstimulated, need to be bored, and should convene with
nature daily.
Sometimes all it takes for me is a reminder of what I’ve
managed to do RIGHT. My kids may not be Rhodes
scholars, but they try hard in school; they may not be
star soccer players, but they’re kind and polite. Some-
times all I see are the areas where I think I’m falling
short as a parent. Being reminded of the ways I’ve done
right by my kids encourages me to keep trying.
v Becki, TheMotherhood.com member
We’ve got our never-ending to-do lists, and we’re there for
everyone around us – our kids, partners, aging parents, bosses, co-
workers, friends, neighbors, community groups – handling prob-
lems as they arise, finding solutions, doing our jobs, juggling it all,
holding everything together.
We plan out our lives – plot careers, organize events, schedule
vacations, plan for retirement – but we struggle to find balance
for ourselves and our families in the day-to-day.
We’re overwhelmed most days with all there is to do. And catch-
ing our breath? Forget it.
No one in the paid workforce is expected to 24/7, live
where they work, be constantly surrounded by the peo-
ple they work with . . . Many people, including [stay-
at-home moms] themselves, think [they] don’t work,
hence they don’t deserve a vacation, can’t expect their
husbands to put the kids to bed, etc.
v Melissa Stanton, Courageous Parents, Confident Kids
contributor
218 courageous parents | confident kids
Even with all this noise swirling around us about what’s right
and wrong for kids and families, in our hearts, each of knows what
holds true for our own families. Sometimes we feel we have easy
access to that knowledge, and other times – most of the time – we
feel cut off from any sense of what’s going to work for us because
we can’t find the “quiet” to think it through or even identify it.
One of the biggest obstacles we heard to finding courage is, of
course, finding time.
The sign of the times is . . . we don’t have time.
Sometimes it seems that life does not allow us (or we
don’t allow ourselves) the time and quiet to just stop
and really consider. Laundry must get done, dinner
cooked, that sales report written, that permission slip
signed. It feels like an unaffordable luxury to just slip
away and think – but it’s really a critical necessity.
v Becki, TheMotherhood.com member
rain yourself to find the time – yes, like a marathon: start with
T
short periods and work your way up
. . . I think [self-nurturing] needs to be LEARNED
and PRACTICED, at first. There are so many societal
pressures for mothers to be selfless givers all the time
that I think we have to consciously, purposely decide
and learn HOW to take care of ourselves. But I found
that once I got the hang of it, I REALLY liked it. I
definitely don’t have to struggle to do nice things for
myself anymore! :-)
v Patty Ayers, Courageous Parents, Confident Kids
project manager
Keep at it
Don’t you think this is one area that busy moms let fall
to the side? “I’m too busy to join a support group, have
lunch with my friends, etc.” One more example of not
placing your mojo high enough on the priority list.
v Amy McCready, Courageous Parents, Confident Kids
contributor
On any given day, any mom can find a study to tell her
why she’s doing a bad job. I believe that love covers a
multitude of sins. We don’t expect perfection from our
children, our spouses, or our bosses. We can’t beat our-
selves up for not being perfect. Sometimes it’s necessary
to tune the media out so you can hear your own voice.
v Becki, TheMotherhood.com member
e your own best mother, and pat yourself on the back for the
B
progress you make
Is there really any woman who thinks she’s the perfect
parent? We all need to be gentle with ourselves and
each other and remember that.
v Amie Adams, TheMotherhood.com member
227
228 courageous parents | confident kids
231
Create Joyful Independence for Your Family,
in the Nest and Beyond CONTRIBUTORS
A
close relationship with our kids is a gift. But, it’s
possible to become so over-involved that our kids don’t Renee Peterson Trudeau
learn to spread their wings. And, how does that Kella Hatcher
hovering “helicopter” mode impact us as parents?
Maryanne Perrin
This unique resource releases both parents and kids to fully Maya Frost
enjoy the comforts of the nest and their ability to explore Melissa Stanton
and grow beyond it. Courageous Parents, Confident Kids
gives you the practical skills and inspiration every family Amy McCready
needs to grow up together. This is your guide to sustainable Jamie Woolf
parenting that makes letting go a safer and happier process,
every step of the way. Let the journey begin! You’ll get
Irene van der Zande
guidance on: Linda Criddle
• The courage to invest in your own care, career,
Joanne Bamberger
and development Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner
• The courage to raise capable, confident kids at every age Cooper Munroe
• Beyond “Stranger Danger”—concrete skills for online Emily McKhann
and personal safety
• Finding your voice and raising it for the community Amy Tiemann, Ph.D., multimedia
producer, educator, and catalyst for
“Wondering why kids used to play and roam outside, but social change, is the celebrated
things are so different today? This book brims with courage author of Mojo Mom and founder of
for today’s parents, and ways to pass that power onto the MojoMom.com. Tiemann reaches a
next generation. Read on!” —Lenore Skenazy, Founder of global audience through her books,
FreeRangeKids.com and author of Free-Range Kids: How to articles, podcasts, national radio
Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts tours, and TV appearances including
with Worry) NBC’s Today Show. She collaborates
with the contributors to this book to
“Tiemann’s ‘letting go so you both can grow’ is the shift lead the way to a new era of
parents need to nurture themselves and their families with empowered parenting, based on
absolute confidence and joy.” —Michele Borba, Ed.D., creativity, connection, and action.
author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers
to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries Learn more at www.MojoMom.com.