The Dead Parrot Sketch
The Dead Parrot Sketch
The Dead Parrot Sketch
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased
not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with
it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right
now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue,
idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle
fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing!
Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the
counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to
the floor.)
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would
have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM!
Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through
it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be!
'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in
peace! If you
hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic
processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled
off 'is mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir
invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
OR