publication 350-111

discipline for young children lesson 2

Discipline and Punishment:

What is the Difference?

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Discipline for Young Children
Lesson 2: Discipline and Punishment: What is the Difference?
Effective discipline helps children learn to control their Harsh physical punishment and verbal abuse can never be
behavior so that they act according to their ideas of what justified as ways to discipline children. Parents usually spank
is right and wrong, not because they fear punishment. For when they are angry; a parent may not realize how hard he is
example, they are honest because they think it is wrong to be striking the child. Verbal abuse hurts the child’s self concept.
dishonest, not because they are afraid of getting caught.

The purpose of punishment is to stop a child from doing Why Punishment Doesn’t Work
what you don’t want—and using a painful or unpleasant
method to stop him. Physical punishment usually doesn’t work for several
reasons. First, it makes the child hate himself and others.
There are basically four kinds of punishment Physical punishment makes the child think that there must
be something awfully wrong with him to be treated so badly.
• physical punishment ‑ slapping, spanking, switching, If children think they are “bad,” then they will act “bad.”
paddling, and using a belt or hair brush. A vicious cycle is formed. The child who has been treated
harshly has no reason to be good. Or he may be good just to
• verbal punishment ‑ shaming, ridiculing, using cruel keep from being punished and not learn to be good because
words, saying “I don’t love you.” he thinks it is the right thing to do.
• withholding rewards ‑ “You can’t watch TV if you don’t Children who have been spanked feel that they have paid
do your homework.” for their misbehavior and are free to misbehave again. In
other words, spanking frees the child from feelings of remorse
• penalties ‑ “You broke the window so you will have to
which are needed to prevent future misbehavior.
pay for it with money from your allowance.”

The first two kinds of punishment, physical and verbal,

are not considered to be effective discipline methods. The
other two, withholding rewards and giving penalties, can
be used either as effective discipline methods or as punish‑
ment—depending on how parents administer them.

Mild or Harsh?
It is important to look at the way parents administer
physical punishments.

A swat on the bottom is a mild physical punishment.

While it may do no permanent physical harm, it does not
help the child develop a conscience. Instead, it teaches him
that physical violence is an acceptable way of dealing with
problems. Parents should avoid physical punishment. If they
find themselves using it, then something is wrong and their
method of discipline is not working. They may as well admit
that spanking is more effective in relieving the parents’ frus‑
tration than in teaching the child self‑control. More effective
methods are needed.

Note: Since it is awkward to refer to the child as “he/she,” all references in these lessons to the child as “he” refer to both boys and girls.

2 Virginia State University

By: Valya Telep, Former Extension Specialist, Child Development,
 Parents who use physical punishment are setting “You’ve got to let kids know who is boss.”
an example of using violence to settle problems or
solve conflicts, Children imitate their parents’ “They asked for it.”
behavior. When parents use physical punish‑
ment, children are more likely to use violent “It clears the air.”
acts to settle their conflicts with others.
“I was spanked and I turned out OK.”
Another disadvantage of using physical
Reasons for spanking which parents seldom
punishment is that parents have to find other
give are:
discipline methods when the child becomes
as tall and as strong as the parent! Why not • T
 hey are mad at their husband or wife
start using effective discipline methods and take it out on the child.
when the child is young?
• T
 hey are angry and don’t stop to
Where reward and punishment think of better ways to discipline.
focus on the child, encouragement and reality discipline
target the act. Reward and punishment teaches the child to be • They don’t know how to discipline more effectively.
“good” as long as we are looking.
• It relieves their feelings of frustration.
When rewards are our chief way of motivating children
we run the risk of creating “carrot seekers”: children who are • It is easier, quicker, and requires less thinking than other
always looking for and expecting a reward every time they do discipline methods.
something good or right. If we give a child money for making
his bed this week, he’ll wonder where his money is next week. Some parents spank because they place a high value on
Instead of being self‑motivated by a desire to cooperate or obedience. Their whole aim is for the child to “mind,” to
help other family members, we have taught the child to look do what he is told without question. There are times when a
to us for his source of motivation. child needs to obey instantly, such as when he starts to run
out in the street without looking.
Effective Discipline . . .
When obedience is the parent’s main objective, however,
• Helps the child learn self‑control the child becomes passive and loses his zest for life.

• Can be used with teenagers The question of spanking is an emotional issue which
parents feel very strongly about. They can be divided into one
• Builds the child’s self‑esteem of three groups. They think either:

• Sets a good example of effective ways to solve problems. (1) “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”

Harsh Punishment . . . (2) “I can’t imagine anyone

laying a hand on a poor
• Teaches the child to deceive parents defenseless child.”
• Won’t work with teenagers (3 ) “Other kinds of disci‑
pline are more effective.“
• Tears down self‑esteem
Parents who spank ask,
• Teaches the child that violence is an acceptable way to
“What’s wrong with it?” It isn’t a
solve problems.
question of right or wrong, but
of what is best for the child.
Why do Parents Spank? Perhaps parents who

Parents who spank their children rather than using other

discipline methods usually say:

“Nothing else works.”

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spank frequently should ask themselves: Using Consequences as a Form of
Why do I use spanking as the only way to discipline my Discipline
child?
Letting children experience the consequences of their
Does spanking work? decisions is a “hassle-free” way to discipline young people.
Children learn from experiences, just like adults. We call it
How did I feel when I was spanked as a child? learning the “hard way.” The child learns that every act has
a consequence for which he is responsible.
Did it make me stop doing what I was spanked for,
Parents can declare that the consequence of not coming
or—
to the dinner table in time to eat is that the child does not
Did I sneak around and try not to get caught doing it? eat his dinner that evening. Hunger is a natural conse‑
quence of not eating. If the child complains, mother can
Often, attitudes toward physical punishment reflect say, “I’m sorry you feel hungry now. It’s too bad, but you’ll
religious beliefs and ideas about what children are like. Child have to wait for breakfast.” The child who experiences the
development educators believe that the child is born neither unpleasant consequences of his behavior will be less likely
good nor bad; they have the possibility of becoming good or to act that way again.
bad according to how they are treated, the kind of experienc‑
es they have, and their reaction to their environment. Since Parents should tell the child, before it happens, what
these educators believe that children are not naturally bad, the consequences are for breaking a rule. If the child knows
they think children need to be disciplined in ways which help that the consequence of not getting to the dinner table
them learn to do what is “right” rather than be punished. in time to eat with the family is not eating, then he has a
choice. He can choose to get home in time to eat, or he
Harsh discipline focuses anger on the parent. can choose to be late and not eat. He must understand that
he has a choice and that he must accept the consequences
of that choice.

The child also needs to know the reason for the con‑
sequence; for example, it is extra work to keep food warm
and inconsiderate of other family members.

It is important, too, that parents be willing to accept

the child’s decision; that is, they must be willing to allow
the child to go without dinner if he chooses to miss the
meal. A general rule of thumb is: always give a couple of
choices, provided they are choices the parent can live with.

Natural Consequences
Natural consequences allow children to learn from the
natural order of the world. For example, if the child doesn’t
eat, he will get hungry. If he doesn’t do his homework, he
will get a low grade. The parent allows unpleasant but natural
consequences to happen when a child does not act in a desir‑
able way.

Logical Consequences
Effective Discipline allows children to “hurt from Logical consequences are arranged by parents. The
the inside out” and focus on their actions. consequence must logically follow the child’s behavior. For
example, not having clean clothes to wear is a logical con‑
sequence of not placing dirty clothes in the hamper.

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Consequences Teach Responsibility He is given responsibility for his
behavior and any consequences
Kristin left her dirty clothes on the floor and never he experiences (going
placed them in the dirty clothes bag as mother requested. inside) are the result
Nagging, scolding, and threatening did no good. Kristin of his own behavior.
continued to leave her dirty clothes on the floor. You can begin giving
choices as soon as the
Mother decided to use logical consequences. She told
child can experience
Kristin, in a firm and friendly voice, that in the future she
the consequence of
would wash only clothes that were placed in the bag. After
his behavior. For
five days, Kristin had no clean clothes to wear to school
example, a very
and she was very unhappy to have to wear dirty, rumpled
young child who
clothes. After that, Kristin remembered to place her clothes
plays with his food
in the bag.
instead of eating can
Kristin’s mother gave her the responsibility for placing be lovingly removed
her clothes in the proper place to be washed. If mother from his highchair
had relented and washed Kristin’s clothes when she had and told, “All done!”
not placed them in the bag, she would have deprived her It won’t take long before he sees
of an opportunity to learn to take responsibility for herself. he has a choice: he can be up in the highchair eating and
If parents protect children from the consequences of their getting positive attention from the parent; or he can be
behavior, they will not change their behavior. hungry on the floor.

Some parents would not be willing for their child to go Consequences Are Learning Experiences
to school in dirty, rumpled clothes. Only they can decide if
The purpose of using consequences is to help the child
they want to offer the child that particular consequence. learn to make decisions and to be responsible for his own
behavior. Consequences are learning experiences, not punish‑
Using consequences can help a child develop a sense
ment. For example, if father yells angrily at his child, “Put
of accountability. It leads to warmer relationships between
up your toys or you can’t watch TV,” he is not encouraging
parents and children and to fewer conflicts. The situation
the child to make a responsible decision. However, if he says
itself provides the lesson to the child.
calmly and in a friendly voice, “Stuart, feel free to watch TV
as soon as your toys are picked up,” he allows Stuart to make
Natural Consequences Cannot Be Used in all
a choice. The secret of using consequences effectively is to
Situations stay calm and detached. Allow the consequences to be the
Parents cannot use natural consequences if the “bad guy”—not you!
health or safety of the child is involved. If a young
child runs into the street without looking, it is Parents cannot apply consequences if they are
not possible to wait until he is hit by a car—a angry. They cannot conceal their anger from the
natural consequence—to teach him not to run child—their voices will give them away. Try to
into the street. Instead, he should be taken into view the situation objectively—as though the
the house and told, “Since you ran into the child were a neighbor’s child and not your
street without looking, you cannot own—and administer the consequences in
play outside now. You can come out a firm and kindly manner. Remember that
when you decide to look before go‑ giving a child a choice and allowing him to
ing into the street.” experience the consequences is one of the
best ways that children learn.
This is a logical conse‑
Consequences work when the child is trying
quence. Because running into
to get the parent’s attention by misbehaving and
the street can harm the child,
when children fight, dawdle, and fail to do their
he cannot play outside until he
chores. Consequences can be used to get children
learns to play safely in the yard.
to school on time, to meals on time, and to take
He has a choice; he can stay out
responsibility for homework. The child learns that
of the street or he can go inside.
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if he doesn’t pick up his toys, he can’t go out and play; if he
doesn’t wash his hands before meals, he won’t be served any
food; and if he fights with his brother while in the car, the car
will be stopped until calm resumes.

Using Consequences Takes Practice

It is not easy to use consequences as a way to discipline
children. It is hard work to think of consequences that really
are logical. And it requires lots of patience! Sometimes it takes
several weeks to get results.

Parents are so used to telling children what to do that it is

very difficult to sit back and let the child experience the con‑
sequences of his actions. The effort is well worth it, however,
because you are sending a powerful message to the child that
says, “you are capable of thinking for yourself.”

The differences between consequences and punishment are:

Consequences Punishment

calm tone of voice angry tone of voice

friendly but firm attitude hostile attitude
willing to accept the child’s decision unwilling to give a choice

DISCIPLINE VS PUNISHMENT
To Discipline Effectively,
Think About These Ideas:
1. Effective discipline methods work better than punishment in teaching children how to behave.

2. The more parents use effective discipline methods, the less children need punishment.

3. There is no excuse for using physical or verbal punishment to discipline a child.

4. Using consequences as a discipline method helps children learn to take responsibility for their behavior.

5. Consequences must be logically related to the misbehavior.

6. The child must see the relationship between his misbehavior and the consequences or it will not work.

7 The child must know he has a choice when consequences are used.

8. Use consequences in a firm, kind, friendly manner.

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SEE HOW MUCH YOU HAVE LEARNED!
Place a check by the phrase which best completes the sentence.

1. Harsh punishment teaches a child

__________ a. self‑control.
__________ b. to use violence to solve problems.
__________ c. to respect his parents.

2. Effective discipline methods help children learn

__________ a. to behave according to their ideas of right and wrong.
__________ b. to be sneaky and not get caught misbehaving.
__________ c. to fear their parents

3. Child development educators think that children are born

__________ a. bad.
__________ b. good.
__________ c. with the possibility of becoming either good or bad.

4. A natural consequence of leaving dirty clothes on the floor is

__________ a. having to wear dirty clothes.
__________ b. not being able to watch TV.
__________ c. having a parent pick up after you.

Practice Exercises
1. Take a good look at the way you discipline your children this week. Make a note below of each occurrence.

What the child did: What I did:

2. Then, ask yourself: “Did the discipline work?” “Would I do the same again?” “Can I think of a better way to handle it next time?”

3. Try using logical consequences this week. Pick some behavior that doesn’t get you “uptight.” It is difficult to learn a new
discipline method when you are upset. A 4.
C 3.
(a) What did the child do? A 2.
(b) What consequences did you and the child decide on? B 1.

(c) What happened? Did it work? ANSWERS

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 A RECORD OF MY DISCIPLINE PRACTICES AND THEIR EFFECTS*
Complete one week after studying Lesson 2.
Check the blanks that apply to you.

1. The way I usually discipline:

_______ Yell and scream _______ Isolate

_______ Explain reasons calmly _______ Spank

_______ Remove privileges _______ Let the child experience the consequences

_______ Give choices _______ Threaten, but don’t follow through

_______ Show disapproval _______ Distract

_______ Ignore misbehavior

_______ Scold

2. During the past week, I: More Less About the same

Acted calmly

Acted firmly and kindly

Used kind words, not unkind words

Gave choices and let the child learn from the consequences

3. The atmosphere in our home has changed to one of: More Less About the same

Friendliness

Cooperation

Understanding

Confusion

Fun

Hostility

Tension
*Adapted from Practical Education for Parenting by Kent G. Hamdorf, Extension Specialist, Human Relations Family Development, Ohio Cooperative Extension Service, 1978.

Reviewed by Novella Ruffin, Extension specialist, Virginia State University