Airplane 1980 PDF
Airplane 1980 PDF
Airplane 1980 PDF
A I R P L A N E !
Written by
Jim Abrahams
David Zucker
Jerry Zucker
SHOOTING SCRIPT
June 11, 1979
Revised 6/15/79
FADE IN:
ZEALOT #1
Hello, we'd like you to have this
flower from the Religious
Consciousness Church.
ELAINE
No, but thank you very much.
Arrival-Departure TV monitors. Elaine approaches.
BACK TO ELAINE
She checks her watch and walks past Security Check area.
CAMERA STAYS with a middle-aged couple, SHIRLEY and JACK,
waiting to pass through Security Check. Behind them is sign
reading: WARNING, HIJACKING IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE, etc.
SHIRLEY
Jack, isn't that Fred Bliffert over
there in the blue turtleneck? Maybe
he's on our flight to Chicago.
JACK
Yeah, I think he is.
(waves)
Hey, Fred!
FRED
(yelling)
Hi, Jack!!!
KRISHN A
(shakes his head)
No, we gave at the office.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Go, O.J., go !!
SECURITY LADY
Please put your metal objects on this
tray.
He puts his watch, keys on the tray. Then removes his metal
arm and metal leg.
MR. and MRS. HAMMEN and their eight year old son, JOEY,
arrive in a station wagon. They unload luggage.
BUSINESSMAN
Taxi!
STRIKER
Back in a minute.
CREDITS END.
GROUND CREWMAN #2
Hey, Joe, where's the forklift?
GROUND CREWMAN #1
The forklift? It 's over there by the
baggage loader.
STRIKER
Elaine!
ELAINE
(surprised)
Ted!
STRIKER
I came home early and found your
note. I guess you meant for me to
read it later. Elaine, I've got to
talk to you.
ELAINE
I just don't want to go over it any
more.
STRIKER
I know things haven't been right for
a long time, but it'll be different.
If you'll just be patient, I can work
things out.
ELAINE
I have been patient and I've tried to
help, but you wouldn't even let me do
that.
STRIKER
Don't you feel anything for me at all
any more?
ELAINE
It takes so many things to make love
last. Most of all it takes respect.
And I can't live with a man I don't
respect!
She leaves.
STRIKER
(to CAMERA)
What a pisser.
OPERATOR (V.O.)
No, the white phone.
OVEUR
This is Captain Oveur.
OPERATOR (V.O.)
One moment for your call from the
Mayo Clinic.
OVEUR
(yelling at ceiling)
I've got it!
OPERATOR (V.O.)
Go ahead with your call.
TURNANSKY (V.O.)
This is Doctor Turnansky at the Mayo
Clinic.
TURNANSKY
There's a passenger on your Chicago
flight two-oh-niner, a little girl
named Lisa Davis -- en route to
Minneapolis. She's scheduled for a
heart transplant and we'd like you to
tell her mother that we found a donor
an hour ago.
TURNANSKY
We have the heart here ready for
surgery and we must have the
recipient on the operating table
within six hours.
The heart jumps out of the beaker, across the desk and falls
off the edge.
TURNANSKY
I want you to make sure she is kept
in a reclined position and that a
continuous watch is kept on her I.V.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING - PHONE AREA - NIGHT
TURNANSKY (V.O.)
Also, it's important that...
OPERATOR (V.O.)
Excuse me. This is the Operator,
Captain Oveur, I have an emergency
call for you on line five trom a
Mister Hamm.
OVEUR
All right. Give me Hamm on five, hold
the Mayo.
STRIKER
Look, you'll be back in town tomorrow
night. We'll have dinner -- talk it
over.
ELAINE
I won't be back. I've requested the
Atlanta run.
STRIKER
Elaine, not yet. I promise you I
really can change.
9.
ELAINE
Then why don't you take the job that
Louie Netz offered you at Boeing?
STRIKER
You know I haven't been able to get
near an airplane since the war. And
even if I could, they wouldn't hire
me because of my war record.
ELAINE
Your war record? You're the only one
keeping that alive. For everyone else
it's ancient history.
STRIKER
You expect me to believe that?
ELAINE
It's the truth. What's hurt you the
most is your record since the war.
Different cities, different jobs, and
not one of them shows you can accept
any real responsibility.
STRIKER
But if you'll just give me...
ELAINE
It's too late, Ted. When I get back
to Chicago, I'm going to start my
life all over again. I'm sorry.
ZEALOT #3
Hello, we'd like you to have this...
BASTA
Any word on that storm lifting over
Salt Lake, Clarence?
OVEUR
Unlikely, Victor. I just reviewed the
Area Report for 1609 hours through
2400 hours.
BASTA
If it decides to push over into the
Great Lakes it could get plenty
soupy. How about the southern route,
around Tulsa?
OVEUR
I double checked the terminal
forecast and winds aloft. IFR
ceilings all the way.
OVEUR
Well, there's some light scattered
cover at twenty thousand with icing
around eighteen.
BASTA
Looks like the original flight plan
over Denver is still the best bet.
OVEUR
Denver it is.
MURDOCK
Sorry, Clarence. Latest weather
report shows everything socked in
from Salt Lake to Lincoln.
OVEUR
(to Murdock)
Hi, Roger. Good to have you aboard.
Victor, this is Roger Murdock.
BASTA
How do you do, Roger?
HARI KRISHNA #1
Do you believe those goddamn
Steelers? Can you imagine blitzing on
third and long with two minutes in
the game?
HARI KRISHNA #2
Well, hell, they couldn't stay in
zone coverage with Dallas running
swing patterns!
SHIRLEY
Well, it wasn't all that I had hoped.
GIRL
Oh, Bill, I'm going to miss you so
much.
12.
SOLDIER
You promise you'll write?
GIRL
Every day.
AIRPORT STEWARD
Better get on board, son.
STRIKER
Can you tell me if Elaine Dickinson
is on this flight?
CHECK-IN LADY
Well, the whole flight crew has
boarded. Yes. She is on board.
STRIKER
I'd like one ticket to Chicago. No
baggage!
CHECK-IN LADY
Smoking or non-smoking?
STRIKER
Smoking, please.
DRAMATIC MUSIC.
BLACK DUDE #1
Shi',man, tha' honkey mo'fo' mess wi'
my ol' lady, man I rap tha' dude
upside his head, man.
BLACK DUDE #2
Yeah, man, he ain't never goin' come
on layin' no pig rap off you, man.
RANDY
Fourteen-B. It's halfway down on your
right.
STRIKER
Thank you.
"NO SMOKING
EL NO A YOU SMOKO"
He fastens his seat belt and looks nervously out the window.
The Elderly Woman next to him notices.
MRS. ELDERLY
Nervous?
14.
STRIKER
Yes.
MRS. ELDERLY
First time?
STRIKER
No. I've been nervous lots of times.
I used to be a pilot myself...during
the war.
LISA
Thank you. Oh Mother, this is so
exciting.
MRS. DAVIS
I know, but remember you must get
some rest.
ELAINE
That's good advice. You relax and
I'll be back after we take off.
OVEUR
Two-zero-niner to ground control. We
are loaded and ready to taxi.
SOLDIER
Good-bye, darling.
GIRL
Oh, good-bye, Bill! Have your picture
taken as soon as you get there and
send me one!
SOLDIER
I will.
She runs through crowd of people standing on side of runway.
GIRL
Don't you go getting fat or anything.
SOLDIER
Don't worry, I won't. Okay, here --
hurry!
GIRL
Oh, but it's your watch. You
shouldn't. You'll need it.
17.
SOLDIER
Good-bye, darling.
GIRL
Oh, Bill, I'll keep it. I'll keep it
with me all the time.
SOLDIER
So long, darling. Good-bye. Take care
of yourself.
GIRL
Bill! Bill! Good-bye, Bill.
SOLDIER
Good-bye, darling.
GIRL
Good-bye, darling. I love you. I love
you, darling.
SOLDIER
Good-bye, darling.
MURDOCK
(turning to Oveur)
Huh?
OVEUR
Roger.
18.
MURDOCK
(turning to Oveur)
Huh?
BAST A
(to tower)
Request vector...over.
OVEUR
(turning to Basta)
What?
MURDOCK
We have clearance, Clarence.
OVEUR
Roger, Roger. What's our vector,
Victor?
BASTA (V.O.)
Tower radioed clearance, over.
OVEUR (V.O.)
That's Clarence Oveur...over.
BASTA (V.O.)
Roger.
MURDOCK (V.O.)
Huh?
TOWER (V.O.)
Roger, over.
OVEUR (V.O.)
What?!
MURDOCK (V.O.)
Huh?
going off.
19.
RANDY
Do you feel all right, sir?
STRIKER
Oh -- I haven't flown for a long
time.
OVEUR (V.O.)
Good evening, this is Captain Oveur
speaking. We'll be cruising at
thirty-six, thousand feet, and
arrival time in Chicago is ten-forty-
five Central Time. The temperature
there is sixty-two degrees, with a
twenty percent chance of
precipitation. And now here's Victor
with People in the news.
BASTA (V.O.)
Thank you, Clarence. Ali McGraw
announced another spin on the
marriage-go-round. And who's the
lucky guy? You guessed it. None other
than Olympic gymnast...
MRS. ELDERLY
Do you have anything light?
ELAINE
How about this leaflet: 'Famous
Jewish Sports Legends?'
MRS. ELDERLY
(taking pamphlet)
Yes. Thank you.
20.
ELAINE
Ted, what are you doing here?
STRIKER
Elaine, I've got to talk to you.
ELAINE
You...you shouldn't have come. I
don't have time now.
MRS. SCHIFF
Oh, stewardess...
ELAINE
Excuse me.
MRS. ELDERLY
No wonder you're upset. She's lovely.
And a darling figure. Supple, pouting
breasts. Firm thighs. It's a shame
you're not getting along.
STRIKER
Yes, I know. Things used to be
different. I remember when we first
met. It was during the war.
DISSOLVE TO:
STRIKER (V.O.)
I was in the Air Force, stationed in
Drambuie, on the Barbary Coast. I
used to hang out in the Magumba Bar.
STRIKER (V.O.)
It was a rough place. You would count
on a fight breaking out almost every
night.
"B-17
MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION"
"A-12
THANK YOU"
STRIKER (V.O.)
I didn't go there that night to fall
in love, I just dropped in for a
couple of drinks.
BACK TO STRIKER
STRIKER (V.O.)
But suddenly there she was.
22.
STRIKER'S POV
STRIKER (V.O.)
I was captivated, entranced.
BACK TO STRIKER
STRIKER (V.O.)
It hit me like a thunderbolt. I had
to ask the guy next to me to pinch me
to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
Striker asks the burly LONGSHOREMAN next to him to to pinch
him. Longshoreman gives him a look and moves away
cautiously.
STRIKER (V.O.)
I was afraid to approach her, but
that night, fate was on my side.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MAGUMBA BAR DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
DISSOLVE TO:
STRIKER
We laughed, we talked, we danced, I
never wanted it to end and I guess I
still don't. But enough about me. I
hope this hasn't been boring for you.
23.
STRIKER
It's just that when I start to talk
about Elaine, I get so carried
away -- I lose all track of time --
not unlike Oliver in 'Jesus: the
Man.'
BERNICE
That's very nice of you. Thank you.
BERNICE
Ah, won't you sit down?
MILTON
Thank you. Cream?
BERNICE
No, thank you. I take it black. Like
my men.
MILTON
Were you vacationing in Los Angeles?
BERNICE
Well, it really wasn't a vacation.
You see, I'm a teacher in the New
York City school system, and I was
attending a seminar on visual aids to
education. Are you from L.A.?
MILTON
No. I'm from Washington, D.C. I'm a
lobbyist for the Small Businessmen's
Association.
ELAINE
Would you like to order dinner now?
MR. HAMMEN
Yes. Steak for Joey and my wife and I
will have the fish.
JOEY
When can I see the cockpit, Dad?
MR. HAMMEN
Well, I think that the pilots are too
busy flying the plane for that, Joey.
JOEY
Aw, gee whiz.
ELAINE
I tell you what, Joey. I'll talk to
the Captain and see what I can
arrange.
JOEY
Gee! That'd be swell!
ELAINE
Would you gentlemen care to order
your dinners?
BLACK DUDE #1
'Ey ma' muh fuh wha' fo', shi!
SUBTITLES APPEAR: "I WOULD LIKE THE STEAK, PLEASE."
BLACK DUDE #2
Shi' mo cain ma foh mess wi' ain?!
RANDY
May I take your dinner order?
HARI KRISHNA #1
No, thank you, we brought our own
vegetables.
25.
HARI KRISHNA #2
But we would like some hot water for
our tea, please.
HARI KRISHNA #1
Did you catch the jugs on that broad?
BACK TO ELAINE
She moves into the alcove and begins to pour coffee. CAMERA
MOVES INTO CLOSEUP of Elaine.
DISSOLVE TO:
ELAINE
Oh, Ted, I never knew I could be so
happy. These past few months have
been wonderful. Tomorrow why don't we
drive up the coast to that little
seafood place and...
Striker frowns.
ELAINE
What's the matter?
STRIKER
My orders came through. My squadron
ships out tomorrow. I'll be leading a
very important mission.
ELAINE
Oh, Ted, please be careful. I worry
about you so much.
26.
STRIKER
I love you, Elaine.
ELAINE
I love you.
DISSOLVE TO:
In level flight.
OVEUR
Roger, Denver.
ELAINE
We have a visitor.
OVEUR
Hello.
MURDOCK
Hi.
ELAINE
This is Captain Oveur. Mister Murdock
and Mister Johnson. This is Joey
Hammen.
MURDOCK
Come on up here. You can see better.
OVEUR
Joey, here's something we give our
special visitors. Would you like to
have it?
27.
He gives Joey a small toy airplane and puts his arm around
him.
JOEY
Thank you. Thanks a lot!
OVEUR
Have you ever been in a cockpit
before?
JOEY
No, sir. I've never been up in a
plane before.
OVEUR
Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
MURDOCK
Do you want me to check the weather,
Clarence?
OVEUR
(looking at Joey)
No, why don't you take care of it?
ELAINE
We'd better get back now.
OVEUR
Joey can stay up here for a while if
he'd like to.
JOEY
Could I?
ELAINE
Okay, if you don't get in the way.
MURDOCK
Flight two-zero-niner to Denver
radio. Climbing to cruise at forty-
two thousand. Will report again over
Lincoln. Over and out.
JOEY
Wait a minute. I know you. You're
Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
28.
JOEY
You play basketball for the Los
Angeles Lakers!
MURDOCK
I'm sorry, son, but you must have me
confused with someone else. My name
is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
He turns to Basta.
MURDOCK
Ah, Victor, why don't you get the
coordinates on the altitude vector
and find out the ratio of direct
velocity over engine speed?
Victor is puzzled.
JOEY
You are Kareem. I've seen you play.
My Dad's got season tickets!
MURDOCK
I think you should go back to your
seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?
OVEUR
No, he's not bothering anyone. Let
him stay up here.
MURDOCK
All right. But just remember, my name
is Roger Murdock.
JOEY
I think you're the greatest. But my
Dad says you don't work hard enough
on defense.
29.
MURDOCK
(into microphone)
Denver Control, this is Flight two-
zero-niner intersecting Victor Airway
seven-niner-niner.
JOEY
...and that lots of times you don't
even run down court.
MURDOCK
We are turning left to a heading of
zero-niner-niner.
JOEY
...and that you don't really try,
except during the playoffs.
MURDOCK
The hell I don't! I'm out there
busting my buns every night.
MURDOCK
Listen, kid, I've been hearing that
crap ever since I was at UCLA. Tell
your old man to drag Unseld and
Lanier up and down the court for
forty-eight minutes.
(into mike)
Ah...Denver Control, this is Flight
two-zero-niner continuing on a
heading two-niner-niner...niner,
ah...niner...niner.
STRIKER
Elaine, just hear me out. I know
things haven't been right for a long
time. But it will be different...like
it was in the beginning. Remember?
ELAINE
I remember everything. All I have are
memories.
30.
ELAINE
Mostly I remember...the nights when
we were together. I remember how you
used to hold me...and how I used to
sit on your face and wriggle...and
then afterwards how we'd watch until
the sun came up. When it did, it was
almost like...like each new day was
created...only for us.
STRIKER
That's the way I've always wanted it
to be, Elaine.
ELAINE
But it won't be. Not as long as you
insist on living in the past!
CLOSEUP - STRIKER
SUPERIMPOSE:
DISSOLVE TO:
ELAINE
You got a telegram from head quarters
today.
STRIKER
Headquarters!? What is it?
ELAINE
It's a big building where the
generals meet. But that's not
important right now. They've cleared
you of any blame for what happened on
that raid. Isn't that good news?
INSERT - STRIKER'S PAINTING
STRIKER
Is it? Because of my mistake six men
didn't return from that raid.
ELAINE
Seven. Lieutenant Zipp died this
morning. Ted, Doctor Sandler says
you'll be out in a week. Isn't that
wonderful ?
ELAINE
Be patient, Ted. No one expects you
to get over this immediately.
Striker is despondent.
SGT. MCCOBB
How about a break? I'm getting tired!
STRIKER
All right. Take five.
ELAINE
I found a wonderful apartment for us.
It's got a brick fireplace and a cute
little bedroom with mirrors on the
ceiling. And...
STRIKER
That's Captain Geline. He thinks he's
a pilot, still fighting the war.
ELAINE
What's his problem?
STRIKER
That's Lieutennt Hurwitz. Severe
shell shock. He thinks he's Ethel
Merman.
DISSOLVE TO:
RANDY
Excuse me, sir. Would you like some
coffee before we serve dinner?
STRIKER
No. No thank you.
RANDY
Would either of you like another cup
of coffee?
MRS. HAMMEN
I will, but Jim won't.
MR. HAMMEN
Yes, I think I will have another cup
of coffee.
SISTER ANGELINA
Yes?
RANDY
There's a little girl on board who's
ill and...
SISTER ANGELINA
Oh yes, I saw. Poor child.
RANDY
Could I borrow your guitar? I thought
I might be able to cheer her up.
34.
SISTER ANGELINA
Of course.
Randy takes the guitar and walks down the aisle. The guitar
clonks people on the back of the head. Randy approaches
Lisa.
RANDY
Is it all right if I talk to your
daughter?
MRS. DAVIS
Oh, I think that would be nice.
RANDY
(to Lisa, who is reading)
Hi!
LISA
Hi!
RANDY
I'm Randy.
LISA
I'm Lisa. Oh, you have a guitar!
RANDY
I thought maybe you'd like to hear a
song.
LISA
Oh, I'd love to.
RANDY
Okay, this is one of my favorites.
RANDY
(strumming and singing in
ballad tempo)
'I've traveled the banks of the River
Jordan, to find where it flows to the
sea.'
RANDY
'I looked in the eyes of the cold and
the hungry and saw that I was looking
at me.'
RANDY
(singing and playing the
guitar)
'And I wanted to know if life had a
purpose, and what it all means in the
end. In the silence I listened to the
voices inside me, and they told me
again and again.'
RANDY
'There is only one river. There is
only one sea.'
RANDY
(still singing)
'We are all one spirit, one name. We
are the Father, we are the son.'
Randy again knocks I.V. from Lisa's arm with guitar as the
passengers start to get into the music.
36.
RANDY
'In the Dawn of Creation. We are
one.'
OVEUR
Hey, we've been waiting for you. A
little bit late tonight.
ELAINE
Who wants to be first?
MURDOCK
Go ahead, Clarence, I got it.
ELAINE
How's the weather?
MURDOCK
Not so good. We've got some heavy
stuff ahead of us. It might get rough
again unless we can climb on top. But
our airspeed is holding steady at six
hundred ten knots.
37.
ELAINE
That's great. By the way, Joey Hammen
asked me if you would autograph this
basketball.
STRIKER
After the war, I just wanted to get
as far away from things as possible.
So Elaine and I joined the Peace
Corps. We were assigned to an
isolated tribe, the Molombos.
DISSOLVE TO:
STRIKER (V.O.)
They had never seen Americans before.
When Striker and Elaine arrive, the CHIEF holds up his hands
and the sounds stop.
STRIKER (V.O.)
At first, they didn't know what to
think of us; but soon we gained their
trust.
STRIKER (V.O.)
It really was a challenge during the
year introducing them to our Western
culture.
DISSOLVE TO:
ELAINE
Also, Supperware products are ideal
for storing leftovers to help stretch
your food dollar. This two quart
"Seals-M-Rite" container with a
special "Close-M-Tite" lid keeps
hotdog buns fresh for days and
prevents sugared cereals from
sticking.
ELAINE
Meat and dairy products are protected
against unwanted refrigerator odors
when sealed in this non-slip pastel
colored "Freez-o-leer".
When she burps the lid, the Supperware makes a human burp
SOUND.
STRIKER (V.O.)
You must understand that these people
had been completely isolated from
civilization.
STRIKER (V.O.)
No one had ever outlined a physical
fitness program for them and they had
no athletic equipment.
STRIKER (V.O.)
We also emphasized nutrition and
taught them to watch their diets.
STRIKER (V.O.)
The exercise improved their physical
fitness and condition.
39.
STRIKER (V.O.)
My working with them seemed to
reinforce our objectives of group
cooperation and controlled-
competitive activity.
STRIKER
I think they're getting the hang of
it! When we re-enlist I'll teach them
baseball!
ELAINE
Ted, I don't want to stay here. It's
time for us to go back home -- to the
plans we made before the war.
STRIKER
A lot of people made plans before the
war. Like George Zipp.
STRIKER (V.O.)
I guess it was at that moment that I
first realized Elaine had doubts
about our relationship. An d that as
much as anything else led to my
drinking problem.
Striker has a problem drinking. He raises his glass of
Gator-Ade, then suddenly pours it on his forehead.
DISSOLVE TO:
STRIKER
We did come back to the States. I
tried a number of jobs...Well, I
could go on for hours, but I'd
probably start to bore you.
STRIKER
You know, I really couldn't blame
Elaine. She wanted a career. I was
offered a job at Boeing but I
couldn't bring myself to take it...
SHIRLEY
Oh, I can't stand it.
JACK
What is it?
Elaine approaches.
ELAINE
Yes?
SHIRLEY
My, stomach. I haven't felt this
awful since we saw that Lina
Wertmuller film.
ELAINE
I'll see if I can find some
Dramamine.
Elaine exits.
SHIRLEY
OOOOOO.
ELAINE
Captain, one of the women passengers
is very sick.
41.
OVEUR
Airsick?
ELAINE
I think so, but I've never seen it so
acute.
OVEUR
Find out if there's a doctor on
board, as quietly as you can.
OVEUR
Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish
prison?
MR. HAMMEN
(nauseous)
Oooh, I shouldn't have had that
second cup of coffee.
ELAINE
I'm sorry I had to wake you. I'm just
looking for a doctor. There's nothing
to worry about.
MRS. YAFFE
Stewardess, I think the man next to
me is a doctor.
ELAINE
Sir. Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry to
have to wake you. Are you a doctor?
DR. RUMACK
That's right.
ELAINE
We have some passengers who are very
sick. Could you come and take a look
at them?
DR. RUMACK
Yes. Yes, of course.
DR. RUMACK
Pain there?
DR. RUMACK
I'll be back in a minute.
DR. RUMACK
You'd better tell the Captain. We've
got to land as soon as we can. This
woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
43.
ELAINE
A hospital? What is it?
DR. RUMACK
It's a big building with patients.
But that's not important right now.
Tell the Captain I must speak to him.
ELAINE
Certainly.
Dramatic MUSIC.
OVEUR
Victor! Roger, take over!
Murdock, flying the plane alone, wipes his brow and appears
ill.
DR. RUMACK
Captain, how soon can we land?
OVEUR
I can't tell.
DR. ROMACK
You can tell me. I'm a doctor!
OVEUR
No. I mean I'm just not sure.
44.
DR. RUMACK
Can't you take a guess?
OVEUR
Well...not for another two hours.
DR. RUMACK
You can't take a guess for another
two hours?
OVEUR
No, I mean we can't land for another
two hours. Fog has closed down
everything this side of the
mountains. We've got to go through to
Chicago!
OVEUR
(excitedly)
Get him out of there!
OVEUR
What is it, Doctor? What's happening?
DR. RUMACK
I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything
like this since the Lina Wertmuller
Film Festival.
DR. RUMACK
What was it we had for dinner
tonight?
ELAINE
Well, we had a choice. Steak or fish.
DR. RUMACK
Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.
He points to Johnson.
DR. RUMACK
What did he have?
ELAINE
He had fish.
RANDY
We have two more sick people, and the
rest of the passengers are worried.
OVEUR
I'll take care of the passengers.
Elaine, find out what the two sick
people had for dinner.
(into P.A.)
This is Captain Oveur speaking.
Randy and Elaine drag Murdock and Basta down center aisle.
OVEUR (V.O.)
A couple points of interest: we're
just now passing over the Hoover Dam
and later on, our course will take us
just south of the Grand Canyon.
OVEUR
Meanwhile, relax and enjoy the rest
of your flight. Okay? Okay!
OVEUR
(into microphone)
Chicago, this is flight two-zero-
niner. We're in trouble.
47.
OVEUR (V.O.)
We've got to have all altitudes below
us cleared and priority approach and
landing in Chicago. Over.
DISPATCHER
We read you. Stand by, two-zero-
niner.
When he tries to remove paper from typewriter, it rips in
half.
RANDY
Yes?
MRS. HAMMEN
Oh, Stewardess. My husband is very
sick. Can you do something, please?
RANDY
Well, the doctor will be with you in
just a moment. One thing: do you know
what he had for dinner?
MRS. HAMMEN
Yes, of course. We both had fish.
Why?
RANDY
Oh, it's nothing to be alarmed about.
We'll get back to you very quickly.
ELAINE
Doctor Rumack, Mister Hammen ate
fish. And Randy says there are five
more cases, and they ate fish, too.
DR. RUMACK
Let's see now. The co-pilot had fish.
What did the navigator eat?
ELAINE
He had fish, too.
Oveur looks down at his dinner tray and sees skeleton of the
fish he just ate.
ELAINE
Just how serious is it, doctor?
DR. RUMACK
Extremely serious. It starts with a
slight fever.
DR. RUMACK
Then a dryness in the throat. As the
virus penetrates the red blood cells
the victim becomes dizzy and begins
to experience a rash and itching.
From there the poison works its way
into the central nervous system
causing severe muscle spasms,
followed by the inevitable drooling.
At this point, the entire digestive
system is rendered useless, causing
the complete collapse of the lower
bowels, accompanied by uncontrollable
flatulence...until finally the poor
bastard is reduced to a quivering,
wasted piece of jelly.
OVEUR
(gasping)
Turn...on...automatic pilot.
ELAINE
Uh, automatic pilot...automatic
pilot?
ELAINE
DR. RUMACK
I'll get back to the passengers.
50.
Rumack exits.
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
(over radio)
Come in two-zero-niner. This is
Chicago. Flight two-zero-niner, come
in, please.
ELAINE
This is Elaine Dickinson. I'm the
stewardess. Captain Oveur is passed
out on the floor, and we've lost the
co-pilot and navigator, too. We're in
terrible trouble. Over.
OVEUR (O.S.)
Groan!
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Elaine! Roger, Roger! I read you.
This is Steve McCroskey at Chicago
Air Control.
ELAINE
Hi, Steve!
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Now listen carefully. Is the
automatic pilot on? Over.
ELAINE
Yes. Yes, it is. Over.
OVEUR (O.S.)
Huh?
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Very good. Now, Elaine, where are
you? Over.
ELAINE
I'm standing over Oveur. Over.
MCCROSKEY
(into mike)
All right, Elaine. Just hold on.
We'll be back to you in a minute.
51.
MCCROSKEY
Hold all takeoffs. I don't want
another plane in the air. When the
508 reports, bring it straight in.
MCCROSKEY
Put out a general bulletin to suspend
all meal service on flights out of
Los Angeles.
MCCROSKEY
Tell all dispatchers to remain at
their posts. It's going to be a long
night.
MCCROSKEY
And how about some coffee, Johnny?
HINSHAW
No thanks.
MCCROSKEY
I want the weather on every landing
field on this side of the Rockies, no
matter what the size.
MCCROSKEY
Do you understand?
MCCROSKEY
Any place where there's a chance to
land this plane.
MCCROSKEY
Stan, go upstairs to the tower and
get a runway diagram. Terry, check
down on the field for emergency
equipment.
AIR CONTROLLER #1
Chief, there's fog down to the deck
everywhere east of the Rockies.
There's no possible place they can
land. They'll have to come through to
Chicago.
MCCROSKEY
Looks like I picked the wrong week to
quit smoking.
MCCROSKEY
I want the best available man on
this. A man who knows this plane
inside and out and won't crack under
pressure.
HINSHAW
How about Sal Mineo?
MCCROSKEY
Get me Rex Kramer!
EXT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Now, Elaine, right next to the
throttle is the air speed gauge. What
speed does it indicate?
ELAINE
Three hundred twenty miles per hour.
BACK TO SCENE
We see, but Elaine does not notice, the automatic pilot very
slowly beginning to deflate.
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Good. Now check your altitude. That's
the dial just below and to the right
of the air speed indicator.
ELAINE
Thirty-five thousand feet.
INSERT - ALTIMATER
Altitude is dropping.
BACK TO SCENE
ELAINE
No, wait. Now it says thirty-four
thousand feet. It's dropping! It's
dropping fast! Why is it doing that?
ELAINE
Oh, my God! The automatic pilot! It's
deflating!
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
All right, Elaine, don't worry. We
have an auxiliary inflation system.
Just follow my instructions.
ELAINE
Okay, but please hurry! We're
dropping fast!
DR. RUMACK
What the hell's going on up there?
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Now, Elaine, don't panic. On the belt
line of the automatie pilot there is
a hollow tube. Can you see that?
ELAINE
Yes. Yes, I can see it.
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Good. Now that's the manual inflation
nozzle. Pull it out and blow it up
like a balloon.
Elaine kneels over automatic pilot's crotch, puts tube in
her mouth and blows. Automatic pilot inflates. Rumack bursts
into cockpit.
RUMACK'S POV
Rumack enters.
DR. RUMACK
Elaine, you're a member of this crew.
Can you face some unpleasant facts?
55.
ELAINE
No.
DR. RUMACK
All right. Unless I can get all these
people to a hospital quickly, I can't
even be sure of saving their lives.
Now, is there anyone else on board
who can land this plane?
ELAINE
Well...
ELAINE
No. No one that I know of.
DR. RUMACK
I think you ought to know what our
chances are. The life of everyone on
board depends on just one thing:
finding someone back there who not
only can fly this plane, but who
didn't have fish for dinner.
ELAINE (V.O.)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
stewardess speaking. We regret any
inconvenience the sudden cabin
movement might have caused.
ELAINE (V.O.)
This is due to periodic air pockets
we encounter.
56.
ELAINE (V.O.)
There is no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you enjoy the rest of
your flight. By the way, is there
anyone on board who knows how to fly
a plane?
CAREY
Hello, I'm Paul Carey from the
airline. I'm here to pick up Captain
Kramer.
MRS. KRAMER
Oh, yes. Come in, Paul. Rex will be
right out.
When Carey enters, a big dog jumps on him with its paws on
his chest.
MRS. KRAMER
Shep, sit...sit! So, I understand
you've got a real emergency down
there.
CAREY
(holding off dog)
Well, to tell the truth, they really
didn't fill me in on many of the
details. Just told me to pick up
Captain Kramer.
MRS. KRAMER
Something about a plane with no
pilot?
CAREY
Yeah, something like that, but as I
say, they didn't have time to tell me
very much.
MRS. KRAMER
Shep, no! I'll bet you have exciting
things happen all the time down
there.
CAREY
Well...the airline business...does
have... its moments...
CAREY
...but after...awhile...you begin
to...
(gasp)
...get used to it.
MRS. KRAMER
Shep, no! He gets so excited when new
people are here.
MRS. KRAMER
Are you a pilot yourself?
CAREY
I'm...in a...argh...navigator
training program.
KRAMER
It's unbelievable! How many times
have I warned those people about food
inspection?
KRAMER
The airport management, the F.A.A.,
and the airlines, they're all cheats
and liars! All right, let's get out
of here.
HARI KRISHNA #1
Hari Rama?
HARI KRISHNA #2
Rama Rama.
STRIKER
You see, the day we left the village
it was raining, so we had to take a
special jeep to the main road...
STRIKER
In fact, we were lucky to even get a
jeep since just the day before the
only one we had broke down -- it had
a bad axle...
RANDY
Excuse me, sir. There's been a little
problem in the cockpit and I was
wondering...
STRIKER
The cockpit? What is it?
RANDY
It's the little room at the front of
the plane where the pilots sit. But
that's not important right now. The
first officer is ill and the Captain
would like someone with flying
experience to help him with the
radio. Do you know anything about
planes?
STRIKER
Well, I flew in the war, but that was
a long time ago. I wouldn't know
anything about it.
RANDY
Would you go up, please?
JACK
Would ya like a little whiskey,
ma'am?
SPINSTER
(insulted)
Certainly not.
She inserts a two inch straw in her nose and snorts a couple
lines of cocaine off a piece of glass.
Striker enters.
60.
STRIKER
(to Rumack and Randy)
The stewardess said...
STRIKER'S POV
STRIKER
Both pilots!
DR. RUMACK
Can you fly this airplane and land
it?
STRIKER
Surely you can't be serious.
DR. RUMACK
I am serious, and don't call me
Shirley! What flying experience have
you had?
STRIKER
Well, I flew single-engine fighters
in the Air Force, but this plane has
four engines. It's an entirely
different kind of flying...all
together!!!
RANDY/RUMACK
(all together)
It's an entirely different kind of
flying.
STRIKER
Besides, I haven't touched any kind
of plane in six years.
DR. RUMACK
Mister Striker. I know nothing about
flying. All I know is this: you're
the only person on this plane who can
possibly fly it. You're the only
chance we've got.
STRIKER'S POV
MCCROSKEY
(to Air Controller)
Tell Omaha to acknowledge and
standby.
(into phone)
Get every piece of emergency
equipment you can reach.
(to Air Controller)
Alert at every mile of the way from
here to the mountains.
HINSHAW
Would anyone care for a roll and
coffee?
Phone RINGS.
AIR CONTROLLER #2
Chief?
MCCROSKEY
We'll need a pre-landing flight
check. Tell 'em I'm in the dispatch
office and I want it here fast.
AIR CONTROLLER #2
It's your wife.
MCCROSKEY
(into phone)
I want the kids in bed by nine. I
want the dog fed, the yard watered,
and the gate locked. And get a note
to the milkman -- no more cheese!
MCCROSKEY
Where the hell is Kramer?
KRAMER
(into phone)
No, we can't do that; the risk of a
flameout is too great. Keep him
24,000. No, feet!
He hangs up phone.
KRAMER
One of the passengers is going to
land that plane.
CAREY
Is that possible?
KRAMER
Possible, but it's a hundred to one
shot. Thousand to one. I know this
guy.
CAREY
You do? Who is it?
KRAMER
His name is Ted Striker. I flew with
him during the war. And that won't
make my job any easier tonight.
KRAMER
Ted Striker was a crack flight leader
up to a point. But he was one of
those men who, well, let's just say
he felt too much inside. Maybe you
know the kind.
KRAMER
It takes a certain type to perform
under pressure. Striker didn't have
it.
63.
KRAMER
Ate his heart out over every name on
the casualty lists. The upshot of it
is that he went all to pieces on one
particular mission. Let's just hope
it doesn't happen again tonight.
STRIKER
Let's see, altitude twenty-four
thousand feet, level flight, air
speed four hundred sixty knots,
course zero niner zero, trim,
mixture, landing gear, balance.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Ted! What are you doing? You can't
fly this plane!
STRIKER
That's what I've been trying to tell
these people.
DR. RUMACK
Elaine, I haven't time to put this
gently, so I'll be very direct.
Everyone of us on this plane is in a
desperate situation. Mister Striker
is the only hope we've got.
STRIKER
Let's see. Those are the flaps,
that's the thrust, this must turn on
the landing lights.
INSERT - SIGN
STRIKER
(into mike)
Mayday!
STRIKER (V.O.)
Mayday! Mayday!
MCCROSKEY
(surprised)
Mayday? What the hell is that for?
HINSHAW
It's the Russian New Year! We'll have
a parade! They'll serve hot hors
d'oeuvres!
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
Two-zero-niner, are you okay up
there?
STRIKER
Yeah, I was just trying out the
landing lights.
MRS. HAMMEN
I've got to get out of here! I can't
stand it! I've got to get out of
here!
RANDY
Calm down. Get hold of yourself!
JACK
Stewardess, let me handle this.
Randy leaves, Jack shakes Mrs. Hammen by the shoulders.
JACK
Get hold of yourself! Get hold of
yourself!
DR. RUMACK
(to Jack)
Get back to your seat; I'll take care
of this.
DR. RUMACK
Calm down. Calm down. Get hold of
yourself!
SISTER ANGELINA
(to Rumack)
Doctor, you're wanted on the phone.
SISTER ANGELINA
Everything will be all right. Please
get hold of yourself.
P.A. #1 (V.O.)
Your attention, please. Flight four-
one-seven now departing the B
Concourse, gate six.
P.A. #2 (V.O.)
Your attention, please. Flight
twenty-seven now arriving the B
Concourse, gate six.
AIR CONTROLLER #1
(into phone)
This guy doing the flying has no
airline experience at all. He'll be a
menace to himself and everything else
in the air...
(he pauses to listen)
...Yes, birds too.
MCCROSKEY
(into phone)
Okay, okay. He's a terrible risk, but
what other choice have we got?
MCCROSKEY
Well, that's the whole story, Rex,
everything we know.
KRAMER
All right, Steve, let's face a few
facts.
KRAMER
As you know, I flew with this man,
Striker, during the war. He'll have
enough on his mind without
remembering those days when -- well,
when things weren't so good.
MCCROSKEY
Well, right now things aren't so
good. And while we're talking there
are a hundred and thirty-eight lives
waiting on us for a decision.
KRAMER
Let me tell you something, Steve.
Striker was a top-notch squadron
leader -- a long time ago...
KRAMER
...but my feeling is that when the
going gets rough upstairs tonight,
Ted Striker's gonna fold up.
MCCROSKEY
Look, Rex -- I want you to get on the
horn and talk this guy down! You're
going to have to let him get the feel
of this airplane on the way; you'll
have to talk him onto the approach;
and so help me, you'll have to talk
him right down to the ground!
KRAMER
Very well then. Put Striker on the
speaker.
MCCROSKEY
Okay, you can use the radio over
there. Looks like I picked the wrong
week to quit drinking.
KRAMER
Striker, Striker, this is Captain Rex
Kramer speaking.
STRIKER
(dramatically)
Yes, Captain Kramer. Read you loud
and clear.
KRAMER
All right. It's obvious you remember
me.
KRAMER
So what do you say you and I just
forget about everything except what
we have to do now?
KRAMER
You and I are going to bring this
plane in together.
KRAMER
Before we start, I'd like to say
something. I know that right now
things must look pretty rough up
there.
KRAMER
But if you do what I tell you, when I
tell you to do it, there's no reason
you can't bring that plane in.
STRIKER
Let's not kid each other, Kramer. You
know I've never flown a bucket like
this. I'm going to need all the luck
there is.
STRIKER (V.O.)
No. Never.
KRAMER
Shit!
MCCROSKEY
Grab hold of yourself! You've got to
talk them down. You're the only
chance they've got!
KRAMER
(into mike)
All right, Striker, now you listen to
me and you listen close. Flying is no
different than riding a bicycle...it
just happens to be a lot harder to
put baseball cards in the spokes.
Now, if you just follow my
instructions...
KRAMER
First, I want you to familiarize
yourself with the controls. Later
we'll run through the landing
procedure.
KRAMER
All right. Now I'd like you to
disengage the automatic pilot. But
watch any violent movement of the
controls, like you used to make in
Spitfires and Phantoms.
STRIKER
(into microphone)
Okay, I'm going to unlock the
automatic pilot.
flying erratically.
KRAMER (V.O.)
(matter of factly)
Just remember, the controls will feel
very heavy compared to a fighter.
STRIKER
Yes! The stewardess is here with me!
STRIKER
The radio's all yours now. And keep
an eye on that number three engine.
It's running a little hot.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Striker, what kind of weather are you
in up there?
ELAINE
(into microphone)
Rain.
STRIKER
And a little ice.
ELAINE
And a little ice!
KRAMER (V.O.)
How's it handling?
STRIKER
Sluggish. Like a wet sponge.
ELAINE
(into microphone)
Sluggish. Like a wet sponge.
KRAMER (V.O.)
(patronizing)
All right, Striker, you're doing just
fine.
STRIKER
(to Elaine)
It's a damn good thing he doesn't
know how much I hate his guts.
ELAINE
(into microphone)
It's a damn good thing you don't know
how much he hates your guts.
BLACK DUDE
Oooooooh.
Randy approaches.
RANDY
Can I get something for you?
BLACK DUDE
Cain fo' gwine sho fi cun for.
73.
RANDY
I'm sorry. I don't understand.
MRS. SCHIFF
Oh, stewardess, I can speak jive. He
said he's in great pain and wants to
know if you can help him.
RANDY
Tell him to relax and I'll be back as
quickly as I can with some medicine.
Randy exits.
MRS. SCHIFF
Shi gwine man chitlun down for mo
sho.
BLACK DUDE
(indignantly)
Shi man I ain neba mo fo gwine ain.
SISTER ANGELINA
'...I sit by the telephone for hours.
I love when men send me flowers. I
enjoy being a girl.'
JACK
How ya doing, honey?
SHIRLEY
Oh Jack, I'm so warm. I'm burning up.
JACK
Here.
SOFT MUSIC.
MILTON
After my wife died, I felt like a
fifth wheel. You know, so many years
being with one person -- a very
wonderful person -- makes you always
think of yourself as part of a
pair...When Ethel passed away, I was
lost. I couldn't function socially
and I couldn't function in business.
BERNICE
Well, after a thing like that you
wouldn't be expected to.
MILTON
But I think it's time we stopped
talking about me. A woman like you --
why haven't you ever married?
BERNICE
Well, I'm afraid that's a question
that's all too easy to answer.
MILTON
I know the answer -- Career. A smart
woman like you became so involved in
your work, you didn't have time for
marriage.
BERNICE
I wish I could fool myself into
believing that that's the reason. The
truth of the matter is, nobody ever
asked me.
MILTON
You know, here we are having coffee
together, and discussing education
and business and economy...and we
don't even know each other's names...
full names I mean.
BERNICE
Mine's Eleanor. Eleanor Schiff.
75.
MILTON
That's a lovely name. Mine's
Milton...Milt Ettenhenim. But my
friends call me 'Bubbles.'
RANDY
Would you care for a soft drink?
MRS. SCHIFF
I'd be glad to.
Randy hands a large bottle of Coca Cola wrapped in a baby
blanket to Ms. Schiff, who cradles it in her arms.
MRS. SCHIFF
Ooooh, such a nice soft drink.
RADIO (V.O.)
National Weather Service reporting
Omaha fogged in. Visibility zero.
MCCROSKEY
(to Air Controller #2)
Macias, get me Captain Oveur's wife
on the phone. We'd better let her
know what's going on.
AIR CONTROLLER #1
Steve, this weather bulletin just
came off the wire.
MCCROSKEY
Johnny, what can you make out of
this?
HINSHAW
This? Why, I could make a hat or a
broach...
MRS. OVEUR
Yes, this is Missus Oveur.
MRS. OVEUR
I've got to go to the airport. You
can let yourself out the back door.
There's juice in the refrigerator.
HORSE
(sounding like Mr. Ed)
Did you finish? Was I good?
MRS. OVEUR
Oh, you're all so concerned about
performance!
77.
RANDY
Would you care for another drink?
MRS. SCHIFF
No, thank you, I'm still nursing this
one.
She is bottle feeding the Coke bottle.
MRS. SCHIFF
(to bottle)
There, just a little bit more -- and
then burpie time and a good nap!
ELAINE
Doctor Rumack says the sick people
are getting worse and we're running
out of time.
Striker is perspiring.
Nose dowm.
78.
ELAINE (V.O.)
(hysterically)
Ted, the altitude! We're falling,
we're falling!
JACK
(to Rumack)
What's going on? We have a right to
know the truth!
DR. RUMACK
(to passengers)
All right. I'm going to level with
you. The most important thing now is
that you should all be calm, because
there's no reason to panic.
Rumack's nose elongates slightly.
DR. RUMACK
Now, it is true that one of the
flight crew has been taken ill...
slightly ill.
DR. RUMACK
But the other two pilots are just
fine and at the controls flying the
plane.
DR. RUMACK
The weather in Chicago is clear as a
bell, and there's no reason that we
won't land on schedule...
ANGLE
DR. RUMACK
...safe and sound and free to pursue
a life of religious fulfillment.
KRAMER
(into microphone)
Not just yet, we'll have you in radar
range any second now.
KRAMER
(to McCroskey)
I don't understand it. He should have
been in range ten minutes ago.
MCCROSKEY
(into microphone)
Gunderson, check the radar range.
Anything yet?
GUNDERSON
(into microphone)
About two more minutes, Chief.
80.
MCCROSKEY
Two more minutes! They could be miles
off course.
KRAMER
That's impossible. They're on
instruments!
KRAMER
This is gonna be a real sweat.
(into mike)
Gunderson, let me know when you get
anything.
MCCROSKEY
I can't take much more of this!
Johnny, how about some more coffee?
HINSHAW
Would you like half of my provolone
and roast beef?
MCCROSKEY
Looks like I picked the wrong week to
quit amphetamines.
He pops a couple pills. Fifteen REPORTERS, Cameramen, etc.
enter with Air Controller #l.
AIR CONTROLLER #1
(to McCroskey)
Steve, these reporters won't leave
without a statement.
REPORTER #1
How much longer can the sick
passengers hold out?
MCCROSKEY
Half hour...maybe forty-five minutes.
REPORTER #2
Who's flying the plane?
81.
MCCROSKEY
One of the passengers. But he's an
experienced air force pilot who flew
during the war so there's no cause
for alarm. Hinshaw, take over.
McCroskey exits.
REPORTER #3
Have the families been notified?
HINSHAW
I think Florence Henderson knows
about it!
REPORTER #1
What are the chances of bringing this
plane in safely?
HINSHAW
What are the chances of returning
something to Montgomery Ward the week
after Christmas?
(beckoning to door)
All right, boys. Let's get some
pictures.
NEWSPAPERS
coming off press. SUPERIMPOSE:
"CHICAGO TIMES"
"NATIONAL INQUIRER"
NEWSCASTER
Striken Airliner Approaches Chicago!
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
Japanese newscast.
DISSOLVE TO:
AFRICAN TV NEWSCAST
DISSOLVE TO:
CBS' SIXTY MINUTES "POINT-COUNTERPOINT" SET
JACK KILPATRICK
Shana, they bought their tickets,
they knew what they were getting
into. I say, let 'em crash!
DISSOLVE TO:
DR. RUMACK
Will the hospital equipment be at the
airport?
STRIKER
Yes, everything they've got. How are
the passengers doing?
DR. RUMACK
I won't deceive you, Mister Striker.
We're running out of time.
STRIKER
Surely there must be something you
can do.
DR. RUMACK
I'm doing everything I can! -- And
stop calling me Shirley!
Rumack leaves.
MRS. HAMMEN
(hysterically)
He's dead. He's dead!
JACK
No, I'm not dead.
INT. PASSENGER CABIN - ANOTHER AREA - NIGHT
SISTER ANGELINA
'What you want,
Baby I got,
What you need,
You know I got it.
All I'm askin' for
Is a little respect
When you come home.'
RANDY
Doctor Rumack, I'm scared. I've never
been so scared. And besides, I'm
twenty-six and I'm not married.
DR. RUMACK
Randy, we're going to make it. You've
got to believe that.
MRS. HAMMEN
Lorison, do you have any idea when
we'll be landing?
85.
DR. RUMACK
It will be pretty soon. How are you
bearing up?
MRS. HAMMEN
Well, to be honest, I'm very scared.
But at least I've got a husband.
RADIO (V.O.)
National Weather Service reporting
Chicago ceiling zero, visibility one
hundred feet.
DISPATCHER
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
KRAMER
(filling up another cup)
No, the risk of fire is too great. If
she starts burning, you write off all
those people who can't get out of
there on their own power.
MCCROSKEY
(filling up another cup)
Well that's better than writing them
all off? Are you going to play God
with a hundred and 38 lives?
KRAMER
(filling up another cup)
No. A belly landing isn't all that
simple. It takes a good pilot to keep
from smearin' himself all over the
runway.
McCroskey throws cup into wastebasket as Kramer drinks.
MCCROSKEY
(filling up another cup)
If Striker has the guts to try this,
he deserves the best shot we can give
him. We've gotta foam that runway.
KRAMER
(taking another cup)
His only shot's with the wheels down.
I've seen foam tear a man's guts out.
MCCROSKEY
And if Striker goes to pieces?
KRAMER
(taking another cup)
That's a risk we'll just have to
take.
INSERT - ALTIMETER
VOICE (V.O.)
Stay in formation. Targets just
ahead. Target should be clear it you
go in low enough. You'll have to
decide.
(echoing)
You'll have to decide. You'll have to
decide...So, decide already.
BACK TO SCENE
STRIKER
Rats! I've lost number three.
ELAINE
What happened, Ted? What went wrong?
STRIKER
Oil pressure. I forgot to check the
oil pressure. When Kramer hears about
this, the shit's gonna hit the fan.
KRAMER
I told him to watch that oil
temperature. What the hell's he doing
up there?
KRAMER
Striker, that plane can't land
itself! It takes a pilot who can
handle pressure.
MCCROSKEY
Ease up, Rex! He hasn't flown for
years! It's not his fault. It could
happen to any pilot.
HINSHAW
It happened to Barbara Stanwyck!
88.
STRIKER
He's right. I can't take the
pressure. I was crazy to think I
could land this plane.
ELAINE
But Ted, you're the only...
STRIKER
I don't care. I just don't have what
it takes. They'd be better off with
someone who'd never flown before.
As Striker leaves he puts autopilot into pilot's seat.
Elaine is on the verge of tears.
DRAMATIC MUSIC.
AIR CONTROLLER #2
Bad news. The fog's getting thicker.
HINSHAW
And Liz Taylor is getting larger!
MCCROSKEY
Ya know, this would be a tough
landing for anyone to make. Maybe, if
we hold them off for a bit we'll get
a break in the weather.
KRAMER
All right, but let's wait until they
reach the control area.
STRIKER
I know what you're going to say, so
save your breath.
89.
Rumack sits.
DR. RUMACK
No. I haven't a thing to say. You've
done the best you could. You really
have. The best you could. I guess we
can't expect to win 'em all. I want
to tell you something I've kept to
myself for years. I was in the war
myself -- the Medical Corps. I was on
duty late one night when a badly
wounded pilot was brought in from a
raid. He could barely talk, but he
looked at me and he said, "Doc. The
odds were against us up there but we
went in anyway, and I'm glad we did.
The captain made the right decision."
The pilot's name was George Zipp.
STRIKER
George Zipp said that?
DR. RUMACK
And the last thing he said to me,
"Doc," he said, "Sometime when the
crew is up against it and the breaks
are beating the boys, tell them to go
out there with all they've got and
win just one for the Zipper. I don't
know where I'll be then, Doc," he
said, "but I won't smell too good.
That's for sure."
STRIKER
(rejuvinated)
Excuse me, Doc, I've got a plane to
land.
KRAMER (V.O.)
All right, you'd better stay up there
for a bit. As soon as the fog lifts,
we' ll bring you in.
90.
STRIKER
I'll take it, Elaine.
STRIKER
Listen to me, Kramer. Doctor Rumack
says the sick people are in critical
condition and every minute counts.
We've got to land now!
KRAMER (V.O.)
Don't be a fool, Striker. You know
what a landing like this means. You
more than anybody. I'm ordering you
to stay up there!
STRIKER
No dice, Chicago. I'm giving the
orders, and we're coming in...I guess
the foot's on the other hand now,
isn't it, Kramer?
MCCROSKEY
He'll never bring it down in this
soup. Never! Not one chance in a
million.
KRAMER
I know. I know. But it's his ship
now, his command; he's in charge,
he's the boss, the head man, the top
dog, the big cheese, the head
honcho...
AIR CONTROLLER #2
Chief, look at this!
KRAMER
(reading)
'Passengers Certain to Die?!?!?!?!?!'
MCCROSKEY
'Airline Negligent?!?!?!?!?!'
91.
HINSHAW
(looking at newspaper)
There's a sale at Penny's!
KRAMER
(to men in Dispatch)
All right, I'll need three men up in
the tower.
(pointing)
You, Neubauer. You, Macias.
HINSHAW
Me John. Big tree.
HINSHAW
Wagon train comes three, maybe four
day away.
KRAMER
(into microphone)
Stand by, Striker. I'm going to the
tower. And good luck.
Kramer exits.
MCCROSKEY
(into phone)
We're going to the tower.
McCroskey exits.
HINSHAW
(excitedly)
The tower! Oh! Rapunzel! Rapunzel!
RANDY
In a moment we'll ask you to assume
crash positions. Your life jackets
are located under your seat.
92.
RANDY (V.O.)
Remove the jacket and unfold it so
that the red arrow points up.
RANDY (V.O.)
Place the jacket over your head, and
when I give the word pull the cord
under the left side flap.
BACK TO RANDY
STRIPED CONTROLLER
We're all ready, sir.
STRIPED CONTROLLER
Captain McCroskey, this is Captain
Roberts. Captain Kramer, this is
Captain Colosimo. Captain Hinshaw,
Captain Gatz. Captain Kramer, Captain
Gatz. Captain Hinshaw, Captain
Roberts.
KRAMER
All right. Colosimo, you'll work the
relay. Roberts, double check all air
traffic within five miles.
KRAMER
And get that finger out of your ear.
You don't know where that finger's
been! Gunderson?
93.
GUNDERSON
Yes, Captain?
KRAMER
Did you decide on a runway yet?
GUNDERSON
Runway niner. It's the longest, and
directly into the wind.
HINSHAW
And the foliage looks so pretty this
time of year.
Gunderson exits.
KRAMER
(into mike)
Striker, you're going to have to work
fast. After this message, do not
acknowledge any transmission unless
you want to ask a question. Do you
understand? Striker, Striker, do you
read me?
MRS. OVEUR
Steve!
MCCROSKEY
Linda, your husband and the others
are alive but unconscious.
HINSHAW
Just like Gerald Ford!
MCCROSKEY
Now there's a chance we can save them
if Striker can get this plane down on
time.
MRS. OVEUR
That isn't much of a chance, is it?
HINSHAW
(appalled)
Where did you get that dress? It's an
eye-sore!
94.
GUNDERSON
(into microphone)
Eight miles. Turn right to heading
zero eight niner.
KRAMER
(into microphone)
You are now eight miles from the
airport. Turn right to a heading of
zero eight niner, throttle back
slightly and begin to lose altitude
to fifteen hundred feet.
ELAINE (V.O.)
We're now at twelve hundred feet,
leveling off.
KRAMER
(to McCroskey)
Steve, I want every light you can get
poured on that field.
MCCROSKEY
It's being done right now.
KRAMER
(into mike)
Tower to all emergency vehicles.
Runway is niner.
KRAMER (V.O.)
(over P.A.)
Airport vehicles take positions one
and two.
95.
KRAMER
(into microphone)
Civilian equipment, number three.
KRAMER (V.O.)
(over P.A.)
Air Force positions number four and
five. All ambulances to position
three.
HINSHAW
(into mike)
It's a twister! It's a twister!
Toto!... Auntie Em!
KRAMER (V.O.)
All right, Striker, put down twenty
degrees of flap. When your flaps are
down, retrim for level flight.
MRS. SCHIFF
Stewardess, how soon 'til we land?
RANDY
It won't be long now. Try not to
worry.
flying erratically.
INSERT - ALTIMETER
fluctuating.
KRAMER
Watch your altitude, Striker. It's
too erratic. You can't come straight
in. You've got enough fuel left for
two hours flying. You've got to stay
up there 'til we get a break in the
weather.
INT. COCKPIT
STRIKER
I'll take it, Elaine.
(into mike)
Listen, Kramer, I'm coming in. Do you
hear me? I'm coming in right now! We
have people up here who will die in
less than an hour, never mind two. I
may bend your precious airplane, but
I'll get it down! Now get on with the
landing check. I'm putting the gear
down now.
RANDY
Mr. Striker, the passengers are
ready.
97.
STRIKER
Thank you, Randy. You better leave
sweetheart. You might get hurt in
here.
ELAINE
Ted...
STRIKER
Yes?
ELAINE
I wanted you to know -- now -- I'm
very proud.
STRIKER
Tell them the gear is down and we're
ready to land.
ELAINE
(into mike)
The gear is down.
INT. TOWER
ELAINE (V.O.)
And we're ready to land.
MCCROSKEY
He may not be able to fly, but he's
sure got guts.
Kramer nods.
EXT. LAX PASSENGER LOADING AREA - BUSINESSMAN - NIGHT
BUSINESSMAN
Well, I'll give him another twenty
minutes, but that's it.
INSERT - METER
reads $389.10.
MILTON
I'm sure we'll both make it...but
just in case one of us...well, is
there a message you'd like me to give
someone?
BERNICE
No. I'm all alone.
MILTON
Just in case I don't have a chance to
say goodbye, I want you to know that
I haven't spent so many pleasant
hours for many years.
BERNICE
That's a very nice compliment, and
I'd like to say that...you've done
the same for me.
DR. RUMACK
I just wanted to tell you both good
luck. We're all counting on you.
KRAMER
Now, Striker...hold your present
heading, put down full flap, bring
your air speed back to a hundred and
thirty-five, then I want you to take
hold of the throttle...
HINSHAW
And stick it in your ear.
KRAMER
And stick it in your ear.
HINSHAW
(a la Frogsy, the Gremlin)
I'll be good, I will, I will.
99.
GUNDERSON
Captain, he's dropping off fast.
Almost seven hundred.
INT. TOWER
KRAMER
Striker, get back to a thousand feet!
GUNDERSON
He's below seven hundred now and he's
still going down! 675! 650! 625! 600!
It knocks the radio tower off a building and heads past the
John Hancock Building.
KRAMER
Striker, you're coming in too low!
What's your altitude?
STRIKER (V.O.)
I don't know. How high was the
eighty-ninth floor of the John
Hancock Building?
INT. RADAR ROOM
GUNDERSON
He's right on the heading.
KRAMER
All right, he's on final now! Put out
all runway lights except niner.
KRAMER
Turn on your landing lights, Striker.
It's the switch above your right
knee.
KRAMER (V.O.)
No. I said your right knee.
Striker pushes button over his right knee.
KRAMER
All right, now just listen carefully.
You should be able to see the runway
at three hundred feet.
KRAMER
Aim to touchdown a third of the way
along. There's a slight crosswind
from the right, so be ready for it.
KRAMER
If you land too fast, use your
emergency brakes. The red handle is
right in front of you.
Now Mrs. Oveur, still watching the sky, has both arms around
Kramer's waist, massaging his chest with her hands.
KRAMER
If that doesn't stop you...
KRAMER
If that doesn't stop you, cut the
four ignition switches over the co-
pilot's head.
INT. COCKPIT
STRIKER
See them, Elaine?
ELAINE
Uh-huh.
KRAMER
Do you see us now? You should be able
to see the field now.
MCCROSKEY
It sure is quiet out there.
KRAMER
Yeah -- too quiet.
MCCROSKEY
Looks like I picked the wrong week to
quit sniffing glue.
102.
KRAMER
(excited)
There he is!
(into microphone)
Striker, you're coming in too fast!
STRIKER (V.O.)
I know! I know!
ELAINE (V.O.)
(into microphone)
He knows! He knows!
MCCROSKEY
Wow!
KRAMER
(into microphone)
Sound your alarm bell now.
INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT
RANDY
All right, now, everybody get in
crash positions.
Speed is increasing.
HINSHAW
Just kidding!
EXT. RUNWAY - ELAINE'S POV - NIGHT
ELAINE
...one thirty -five, one forty.
KRAMER
Striker, now listen to me. You're
coming down too fast!
104.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Put down thirty degrees of flap!
STRIKER
It's stuck. It won't move!
KRAMER
Bring it down! Easy!
MCCROSKEY
Look at all those buttons! Oh that's
beautiful! Just beautiful!
KRAMER (V.O.)
Watch your nose! It's too low!
KRAMER
Remember your brakes and switches!
Get ready to flare it out! You're
coming in too fast! Watch your speed!
MCCROSKEY
(hysterical)
He's coming right at us!
KRAMER
You're coming in too hot! Put down
full flaps! Watch your nose!
KRAMER
Now ease her down! Down!
KRAMER
Lift the nose! Throttle back!
Closer to ground.
KRAMER
The brake! Pull the red handle!
INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT
SCREECHING.
DR. RUMACK
I just wanted to tell you both good
luck. We're all counting on you.
106.
KRAMER
(into microphone)
Hold her steady, hold her steady!
skidding.
INT. O'HARE TERMINAL BUILDING - GATE 7 - NIGHT
INT. TOWER
KRAMER
Pull a lever!
skidding.
107.
KRAMER
Push a button!
KRAMER
(into microphone)
You're too low! You're too low!
INT. O'HARE TERMINAL BUILDING - NIGHT
skidding.
RANDY
Can we help arrange hotel
accommodations or a rent-a-car during
your stay in Chicago?
PLANE
is screaming.
EXT. RUNWAY - PLANE - NIGHT
is skidding.
HINSHAW
(seated in wheelchair)
Wheel me to the West Wing. I wish to
view the Degas.
skids to a stop.
Five reporters run into bank of phone booths and the booths
topple over.
DR. RUMACK
I just wanted to tell you both good
luck. We're all counting on you.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Striker, Striker, are you all right?
STRIKER
(into microphone)
Yeah, we're okay.
KRAMER
Ted, that was probably the lousiest
landing in the history of this
airport. But there are some of us
here...
KRAMER (V.O.)
...particularly me, who'd like to buy
you a drink and shake your hand.
KRAMER (V.O.)
...and, Ted, I just want you to know,
that when the going got tough up
there, when the chips were down...
RANDY
Hurry now. Please be careful.
KRAMER
...Loneliness, that's the bottom
line. I was never happy as a child.
110.
KRAMER
Christmas, Ted, what does it mean to
you? For me, it was a living hell. Do
you know what it's like to fall in
the mud and get kicked? In the head?
By an iron boot? Of course you don't.
No one does. That never happens.
Sorry, Ted. Dumb question. Strike
that.
MCCROSKEY (V.O.)
I didn't know that the electric eel
was approaching so rapidly nor that
hidden in the coral reef was a family
of poisonous sea urchins.
KRAMER (V.O.)
(into mike)
...and they shall be for frontlets
between thine eyes, Ted. Neither they
man servant, nor they maid servant,
nor thine ox, nor thine ass.
ROMANTIC MUSIC.
FADE OUT.
THE END