Llere W Are Dorothy Parker

i)otroruv PARr-,r is probably best known as a wrire r of biting and sardonic short 'Charafiers:
fictior.r. Bnt slre began lrer iitcrarl, carcer as a dr:rma critic for Vanity Fair and a
book reviewcr for the New Torksr. HE
Born in 1893 in Ncw Jersey, Parkcr also wrote ligl"rt verse and film scr.ipts. SHE
Her plays inclucle Tha Coast of lllyi.tr., bascd on rhe life of thc English cssayist
clrarics Lamb, rrncl Ladies of the coryidor The first play was coauthored with Ross
Setti,ng:
Evans, the seconcl with Anraud c'l'Usseau.
A cltrupa.fi?nerut in a Pwlhua,n ceu.. lHF. is storing the switcases in the rach wn.d.
Httu. wE Ang is similar to chekl-rov's A Mawiage Proposal in that it provides a hu- hrurying up clnts. snuis prirnping. lne.fi.nishes d,isposi.ng of the lw2gage and.
nlorolls look at ltuman foibles that conlc to iight r.rnder tl-rc best of circumstances. si,ts.
chekhov'dealt with two yoring people shorrl! befbre tl'rcy become commirtecl to
each othcr; Parker shows they arc just as prone ro quarrel and clisagree afterwarcl.
HE: Welll
Ttre play ilhistrates thar, no matter what the circumstanccs, people canuot
SHE: Vl/elll
get along togethcr for tnorc than a short timc. Unc"lerlying thc humor is a look at
FIE:Well, here we are.
thc uirccrtaintics of the two youltg peoplc.
SHE: FTere we are, aren't we?
HE: Eeyop. I should say we are. Ffere we are-
E-@a_?
SHE: Well!
HE: Well! Wcll! How cloes it feel to be an olcl married ladyl
STIE: Oh, it's too soon to ask me that. At least-I mcau. Well, I ntean,
goodness, we've only been married about three hours, haven't wei
HE: We have lleen married exactl.y two hours aud tweirty-six minlltes.
SHE: My, it seems li[<e longer.
HE: Ido, it isn't harclly half-past six yet.
ST{E: It seems like later. I guess it's becarise it starts gettitlg dark so early.
HE: It does, at that. The nights are going to be pretty lor-rg fiom norv otr. I
rnean. I urean-well, it starts getting dtrrk carly.
SHE: I didn't have any idea what time it wars. Everything was so inixed up, I
sort of dou't know where I am, or what it's all about. Gettii"rg back
fi-onr the church, anc{ then all thosc people, and theu changing all my
clothes, and then everybody throwing things, and all. Gooduess, I
don't sce how people do it evcry clay-
HE: Do whatl
SHE: Get marriecl. When yoir think of all the Peoplc, all over the worid,
gettitlg married iust as if it was nothing. Chinese people aud every-
body. )ust as if it wasn't anything.
uE,: Well, let's ttot worry about people all over the worlcl' Let's dou't
think abotit a lot of Chinese . We'vc got sol"nethii'lg bctter to think
about. I tnean. I mean-well, what clo we care alrout theirrl
SHE: I kpow, but I just sort of got to thinking of thera, all of them, ali over
everywhere, doilg it all the tine. At least, I meail-getting rnarriec'I,
you kuow. And it's-well, it's sorr of such a big thing to do, it makcs
you feel queer. You tl"rink of rhern, all of rhern, all doing it just li[<e it
wasn)t arrything. Ancl how does anybody know wltat's going to hap-
Per-r next?
95
 1

,-*t'l
96 Comedl, Here We Aye 97

HE: Let thern worry, we don't have to. We know clarn well what,s going to avzfully l-rard for r.rlc yoll clon't likc hcr; that's thc only r[-ring. I kcep
happcn next. I mean-.vcll, we know it's going to lre great. Well, we thinking, whcn wc corne l:ack anrl gct in thc apartment altd cvcrlr-
know we're going to bc happy. Don'r wc! tiring, it's going to bc avufuily hard for ll1c that ),or-r wor-r't want all il1,
SHE; Oh, of course. Only you rhink of all the people, and you harre ro sorr family arouncl. I know how you fcci ab<tut my family. Dor-r't think I
of keep thinking. It makes you fcel ftinny. An awfirl lot of pcoplc haven't seen it. Or-rly, if you c'lon't evcr want to see them) that's yonr
that get married, it docsn't rlrrn out so wcll. Ancl I guess tiley all loss. Not thcirs. Don't flartcr yoursclf!
must have thought it was going to bc great. HE: Oh, rlow) come on! What's ail this talk about nor wanting your fainily
HE: Aw, come on, now, this is no way to start a honcymoon, with all this around| Why, you know how I feel abotir your faurily. I thiirk your
thinking going on. Look at ns-all married ancl everything done. I old lady-I think your nlorher's svzcll. And Eilie. And your father.
mean. The weciding all done ancl all. What's all this talkf
SHE: Ah, it was nice, wasn'r irf Did you really like my veill SFIE:Well, I've sccn it. Don't think I havcn't. Lots of peoplc tl'rey ger rnar-
HE: You looked grcat) irrst grcar. ried, and they think it's going to be great and everything, and thcn it
SHE: Oh, I'm terribly giad^ Ellie and Louise lookcd lovely, clicln,t tl-reyf all gocs to picces because peopie clon't like peoplc's familics, or somc-
I'm terribly glad they did finally decide on pink. They lookecl per- thing like that. Don't tell mel I'vc seen it happen.
fectly lovely. HE: Honey, what is all thisl What are you getting ali angry aboutl He1,,
to tcll you something. when I was standing Lrp thcre irl
HE: Listerl, I r,rzant look, tiris is our honeyrloon. Whar are yor-r trying to starr a fight forl
that old church waiting lor 1,011 to corl1e up, and I saw those two Ah, I guess you're jrrst fbeling sort of nervous.
bridesrnaids, I thought to mysclf, I thourght, "Wcll, I nevcr lEncw SHE: Azlef What havc I got to be ncrvons aboutl I mean. I mean, goodncss,
Louise could look likc that!" I thougl-rt shc'd have knockcd any- I'm not ncrvolls.
body's eye our. HE: You hnow, lots of timcs, ti"iey say tl-rat girls gct l<incl of ncrvous anc]
sur; oh, reallyf Funny. of course, cverybody thought hcr dress ancl hat yi;rpy on account of tl'rinking about-I mean. I mcan-la,cll, it's likc
were lovely, but a lot of peoplc scemcd to think she lookcd sort of you said, things are all so sort of mixccl up and evcrything, right now.
tired. People have been saying tl'rat a lor, lately. I tell thcm l think it's But afterwards, it'll be all right" I mean. I mean-well, look, honey,
awfully mean of thcm to go around saying that abor"rt her. I tell thcr:r you clon't look any too comfortable. Don't you want to take your
they've got to remember that Louisc isn't so tcrribly young any hat off| Arid let's don't cver fight, ever. \A/ill wcf
ntore, and they've got to expcct her to look like that. Louise call say SHE; Ah, I'm sorry I was cross. I gucss I clicl fccl a little bit funr-ry. All
she's twenty-three all shc w:r.r'rts to, blrt she's a good dcal llearcr: mixed up, and then thinking of all tirosc 1-rcoplc all over everpt here,
twenty-seven" and then being sort of 'way ofT herc, all a.lone with you. It's so sort
HE: Well, she was certainly a knockout at the wedciing. Boy! of diffcrent. It's sort of such a Lrig thing. Yorr cau't blanic a person for
SHE: I'm terribly glacl yor"r thought so. I'm glacl someone clid. Horv c{ic{ thinking, can you| Ycs, don't let's cvcr, ever figl-rt" Wc won't be like a
you tirink Ellie lookedl whole lot of them. Wc u,oir't fight or bc nasty or arlythirlg. I,I/ili we|
He: Why, I l-ronestiy didn't get a loolc ar hcr. HE: You bet your life we won't.
SHE: Oh, really| Well, I certainly think that's too bad. I c{olt'r suppose I sHE: I guess i will tahe this darned old hirt off. It kind of prcsscs. |rist pui it
ought to say it about l11y owll sistcr; but I nevcr saw anybocly look as up or1 the rack, will you, dearl Do you likc it, sweethcartf
beautiful as Ellie looked today. Ancl always so sweer and unsclfish, HE: Looks good on you.
too. And you didn't cven uotice her. But you llevcr pay attcntiolt r() SHE: lrio, but I rnean, do you reaily likc itl
Ellie, anyway. Don't think I haven'r noticed it. It mahes me feel just HE: Vy'ell, I'll tell you, I know this is the new styic and everything like that,
terrible. It makes me fecl iust awfurl that you dor:'t like my own sis- and it's probably great. I don't know arrything about things like that.
ter" Only I like the kinrl of a hat like that L-rluc hat yoti l-rad. Gee, I like
HE: I do so like her! I'm crazy for Ellie, I thinh she's a grear kicl. that l"rat.
SHE: Don't tl-rink it makes any difference to Ellie! Ellie's got enough peoplc SHE: Oh, reallyl Well, that's nice. That's lovcly. Thc first thing yor"r say to
crazy about her. It isn't anything to her uuhether your lihe hcr or nor. me, as soon as you gef mc ofT on a trailt away fiom my family and
Don't flatter yourself she cares! Only, the only thing is, it ma-kes it everything, is that you don't like my hat. The first thing you say to
 Contccly, Here W Are

your wife is you think shc lras tcrriblc tastc iu l-rats. That's nice, isn't going to l'ravc my wife gctting a l()t of lcttcrs from cheap travelir:g
it) salesmenl
HE: N-ow, honey, I nevcr saicl au1,tltl1lg likc tlrat. I only said- SHE: )oe Brooks is not a cl-ieap travcling saicsr-nan! Hc is tlor! Hc gers a
sue,: what yon don't secln to realizc is this hat cost twellty-two clollars. woudcrful salary.
Twenty-two doliars. Aucl thirt h.rriblc olcl blue trriirg yo* thi*[< HE: Oh yeal-rf Where clicl you lrear thatl
you're so crazy about, that cost three ninety-five. SHE: He told me so hirnsclf.
_
HE: I don't give a da'r what thcy cost. I only said-I saicr I rikecl that blue HE: Oh, he told you so l-rirnself. I sec. He rold 1,oli so hirnself.
lrat. I don't know anything irbotrt hats. I'll be crazy about this one as SHE: You've got a lot of right to talk ab<;ut )oe Brooks. You ar-icl your fricnd
soon as I get used to it. o,lf ir's ki,d of ,ot like your other hats" I l,ouise. All you ever talk abor:t is Louisc.
don't know about the st1,lc. wlrat do I k'ow about worncn's HE: Oh, for lreaven's sakes! What do I care about Louisef I jr-rst thought
hatsf 'erv shewas a fi-iend of yours, that's ali. That's why I ever noticed [rer.
SHE: It's too bad you dicln't m:rrry s<>urctrody that woulcl get the kincl of sHr,: Well, yori ccrtainly took an arn,ful iot of noticc of ircr toclay. Or: or"rr
hats you'd like. Hats thar c.sr tlrrce ,i,ery-five. Why dicl,,t yo* wcdcling day! You said yourself when ye11 were stancling therc in the
marry Louiscf You alwal,s thiuk shc lo.ks so bea*tiful. you'cr lovc church you just kcpt thinking of her. Right ui-r at the altar. Oh, right
her taste in hats. Why clicln't iu thc presence of God! Ancl all you thollght abolrt was Louise.
1,ou nrar.r1, hqlf
HE: Ah, now, honey, fbr heaten's sakesl I{E: Listen, honey, I ncvcr shoulcl havc said tl-rat. How cloes anylcody
SHE: Why didn't yoll marry herf All know what kind of crazy things come ir.rto their heads whcn thcy're
)ro1'r,c {ouc, cvcr since we got on this
train, is talk about her. Hcre I'r,c sar and sat, ancl just iistelccl to yorl standing thcrc waiting to get marricd? I was just tcllir-rg you that be-
sayi,g how wonderful I.otrisc is. I supposc that's ,ice, getting *re off cause it was so kind of crazy. I thought it would rlake you laugh.
here all alone with you, ancl thc, r'aving aboLrt LouisJrightln fro,t SHE: I kr-row, I'vc been all sort of rnixed up today, too. I told yor-r that. Eve-
of my face. Why did,'t 1,o, ask he r to nrar.ry youf I,rn suri she wor_rlcl rything so strange and everything. And rr.rc all thc time thinkir-rg
l-rave jumped at the chancc. Thcre arcu't so'.ra*y people aski,g rrer about all thosc peoplc all ovcr the worlcl, ancl now us here all alone,
to marry them. It's too bircl ),ou clicln't marry her. I,m sure you,cl and everything. I know you get all rnixccl up. Onl1, I did think, when
have been much happicr. you kept talking about how beautiful Louisc lookcd, you dici it with
HE: Listen, baby, whilc you'rc talki'g about thi,gs like tirat, why clicln,t malice and forethought.
you marry )oe Brooksf I supposc hc coulc-l havc given you all the HE: I nevcr ciid anything with rnalice and forcthougl'rt! I just told you that
twenty-two-dollar hats )rou u'ilntc(i, I suppose! about Louisc bccanse I thought it wouid rnake you laugh.
SHE: Wcll, I'm not so sltrc I'nr uot sorry I ciidn,t. There! |clc Brooks SHE: Wcll, it didn't.
wouldn't have waitcc{ until hc g()t urc all off alone and then snccrccl HE: No, I know it di.dn't. It certainly dici not. Ah, baby, ancl we ought to
at my taste in clorhes. ]oe l}:ooks woulcln't cvcr hurr my feclings. ]oe be laughing, too. Flcll, honcy larnb, this is our honeyrnoon. What's
Brooks has always becn fbnd <lf urc. the matterl
HE: Yeah, he's fond of you. FIe u,ils so firr.rd of you he didn,t ever.r scltd a SHE: I don't know. We uscd to squabblc a lot whcn we were going to-
wedding present. Thirt's horv firnd of you l.rc was. gether and then engaged ancl evcrything, bllt I tl'rought cvcrything
sHE: I happen to know for a fact thirt hc was away on business, ancl as soon would be so diffcrcrlt as soon as you werc married. Aud uow I fecl so
as he comes back he's going to givc nrc anything I want for thc apart- sort of strange aud everything. I fcel so sort of alonc.
ment. I{E: Well, you sce, sweethcart, we'rc not rcally marriecl yct. I meau. I
HE: Listen, I don't want anything he gives you in our aparrn-leut. Any- mean-well, things will be differcnt aftcrwards. O[-r, hell. I meau, wc
thing he gives you, I'll throu, r:ight out the window. That,s what I haven't been married very iong.
think of your fiiend |oc Ilrooks. Ancl how do you know wl"icrc he is SHE: No.
and what he's going t<> do, anyu,ayf Has l.re becn writing to youf HE: Well, we havctt't got mr-rclr longcr to wait now. I mcan-wcli, urc'll be
SHE: I sllppose my fiicncls cal'l corlcspt>nd with me. I didn't hear there was
in Nlew York in about twcllty minutcs. Thcn wc can have dittucr, aud
any law against that. sort of see what we feel like c{oing. Or, I tncatt-is tl-rerc anytllil-lg sPC-
cial you warlt to do tonight)
Hr: Well, I suppose they can't! Antl u,ltar do 1,6q think of tharf I'm not
I00 Cornedy Herre We Arc l0I

SHE: Whatf sweetheartf lt's time I was putting it on. Tiranks. Ah, I'rrr sorry yolt
HE: What I mean to say, would you like to go to a show or somethingl don't like it.
sHE: Why, whatever you like. I sort of didn't think people went to the- HE: I do so like it!
their-I mean) I've got a couple of letters I sirn-
aters and things on SHE: You said you didn't. You saic{ you thought it was pcrfccrly ts.ribi..
ply must write. Don't let me forgct. HE: I ncver said any such tl-ring. You'rc crazy.
HE: Oir, you're going to \Mrite letters tonight? sHE: All right, I n-ray be crazy. Thank yoll vcry much. But that's what you
SHE: Well, yoLt see) I've been perfectly terrible. What with all the excitc- said. Not that it rnatters-it's just a little thing. But it makes you feel
ment and everything. I never dicl thank poor old Mrs. Sprague for pretty ftrnny to think you'vc gonc and marricd somcl:ody that says
her berry spoon, and I never did a thing about those booh ends thc you have perfectly terriblc taste in hats. Anct thcn goes ancl says
McMasters sent. It's just too awful of me. I've got to write rhem this you're crazy, besidcs.
very nigl"rt. HE: Now, listen hcre, nobody said any such thing. Wl-ry, I iove that hat.
HE: And when you've finished writing your letters, maybc I coulc{ ger yoll The rrore I look at it rhe berrer I iikc it. I tl'rink ir's grcat.
a magazine or a bag of peanuts. SHp: That isn't what you said bcforc.
SHE: V/hatf HE: Honey, stop it, will you! What do you wallt to start all this forf I love
HE: I
mean, I wouldn't want you to be lrored. the damned hat. I mean, I lovc your hat. I lovc anything )/oll wear.
SHE: As if I could be borecl with you! Silly! Aren't wc marriedf Bored! What rnorc do you warlt rre to sayf
HE: What I thought, I thought whcn we gor in, we could go right up to SHE: Well, I don't want yoll to say it like that.
the Biltmore and anyway leave our bags, and maybe have a little din- up: I said I thinlq it's great. That's all I said.
ner in the room) kind of qr.riet, and tl-ren do whatever we wantecl. I sHE: Do you rcallyl Do you lronestly? Ah, I'm so glad. I'd irate yoll rlot to
mean. I rnean-well, Iet's go right up thcre from the station. like my hat. It would bc-I don't know, it would be sort of such a
SHE: Oh, yes, Iet's. I'm so glad wc'rc going to the Biltmore. I just lovc ir. bad start.
The twice I've stayed in New York we've always stayeci tl-rere, Fapa HE: Wcll, I'm crazy for it. Now we've got that settled, for heaven's sakes"
and Mamma ar-rd Ellie and I, and I was crazy about it. I always sleep Ah, baby. Baby lamb. We're not going to have auy bad starts. Look at
so well there. I go right off to sleep the minure I put my hcad on the Lls-we're on our honcymoon. Prctty soon we'll be regular old rnar-
pillow. ried pcople. I mean. I mean, in a ferv uritrutes we'll be getting ill ro
HE: Oh, you dol New York, and thcn wc'll bc goir-rg to thc hotcl, ancl thcn cvcrything
SHE: At least, I mean) 'way up high it's so qr,riet. will be all right. I meau-wcll, look at us! F{ere we are married! Here
HE: We might go to some show or other tomorrow night insteacl of to- we arc!
night. Don't you think that would be betterf SHE: Yes, hcre we are, aren't wel
SHE: Yes, I think it might.
Cwtain
HE: Do you really have to writc those lcttcrs tonightl
SHE: Well, f don't suppose they'd get there any quicker than if I wrote
sr?s-)
them tomorrow.
He: And we won't ever figl'rt any more) will wcl
SHE: Oh, no. Not ever! I clon't know what made me do like that. It all got
so sort of fttnny, sort of like a nightmare, thc way I got thinking of all
those people getting marriecl all the time ; and so marly of them, eve- Questions
rything spoils on accollrlt of fighting and everythir,g. I got all mixed
up thinking about them. Oh, I don't wallt to be like them. But we
I. Wlrat part clocs jealousy play in Herc l(/e Are?

won't be, will wef 2. For a time the rnan tries to placate his uew wifc. At \rhat Point clo her
HE: Sure we won't. comments bcgin to upset himl
sHE: We won't go all to pieces. We won't fight. It'll all be differcrlt) llow 3. Why do yott think thc inan told thc wouran Hc kept thinking of
we're married. It'll all be lovely. Reach me down my hat, will you, Lonisei Was her reaction iustifiedf Why clo you think sof