LEWIS NKOSI

901tiling hirds

KWELA BOOKS
 Preface
9ft the birth of every novd is an enigma. Reviewers, some very in-
telligent, some not so inteHigent but merely stupidly clever or clev-
erly stupid, even those readers and reviewers who whole-heartedly
embrace the work, often have no idea of the complex anatomy of what
they are holding in their hands; they can never fully comprehend the
mood, place, circumstance :md psychological motive which combined
to create the enigma. If it i~: any consolation to the reader/reviewer, I
can only say that neither does the author fully understand what magic
transformed the disparate elements into the final work that moves
readers to give applause, dlsplay grief or rage. As soon as the writer
thinks he or she has been able to trace the strands of motive and in-
Kwela Books fluence to their source, another possible source presents itself. And
40 Heerengracht, Cape Town 8001; then another. And yet another. So it was with Mating Birds.
P.O. Box 6525, Roggebaai 8012
[email protected] I was doing research intcl the fiction ofJoseph Conrad at the Uni-
htt;p:llwww.kwela.com versity of Sussex when in order to relieve the occasional boredom, I
began toying with the idea of a story approximating what finally be-
First published by St Martin's Press 1982
came the plot of Mating Birds. I wanted to write the story of an obses-
Copyright © 2004 Lewis Nkosi sion in which the sea, the sun and bodies on the beach combine to form
All rights reserved an image. Ever since reading Albert Camus' The Outsider, then Thomas
Mann's Death in Venice, I had become obsessed with the idea of a fate-
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or
. by any electronic or mechanical means, including
ful obsession in which even the weather plays its part; how for example
photocopying and recording, or by any other information storage or a ray of sunlight striking the eye's retina can produce unforeseen re-
retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher suIts: provoke a murder, cause a suicide, set loose unbounded passions.
At Harvard I had taken a course on the short novel with Professor
Cover design by Alexander Kononov
Text design and typography by NazliJacobs Rosenberg and was forever haunted by the image of Daisy Buchanan
Set in Janson in The Great Gatsby, smouldering in the relentless summer heat of
Printed and bound by Paarl Print Rhode Island, and Henry .James's Daisy Miller running berserk in
Oosterland Street, Paarl, South Africa
Rome; Conrad's Heart ofDtwkness suggested a method. Compression.
First Kwela edition, first printing 2004 So: sea, passion - and compassion! Memories of Durban and the In-
ISBN 0-7957-0171-3 dian Ocean. Veronica Slater and Ndi Sibiya on their knees in a beach-

5
fr~nt t-oba-cco shOp, in ddfia~ce of apartheid scrambling to gather of nationalism and nation-building. In the end it was not of course
up the scattered contents of her handbag, and suddenly, as at the that the township was not capable of supporting the growth of a rich
beginning of the novel, the eye of one fixed on the Other's in an ac- literature; on the contrary, it was the neglect of this honeycomb drip-
cumulated desire sickened by interdiction. ping with stories in pursuit of the arid agenda of "protest literatu~e"
Now I see of course that Mating Birds is also the story of a reading. which ~elkcted..ouLwl:it~J~~_,frgE?:_~~!<=>.~i_~$_~~~_~~~~,!'?!~.~~~je<:...tivi.,:.
As Martin Kreiswirth puts it, writing of WIlliam Faulkner: "Every ties and identities. So monotone and purposeful in their denunciations
serious writer comes to literature from literature and is therefore of the apartheid system, our writers often brought to mind Claude
caught, as soon as he picks up his pen, in what has been aptly called Roy's witty introduction to Rudnicki's writing about wartime Poland:
the 'originality paradox'." More precisely, I had been reading Hegel's "All former combatants, the poets, those who have survived drown-
"master and slave" discourse and Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Noth- ing, philosophers and great travellers end up by boring everyone.
ingness. I wanted to write about the gaze, about the ple~~.~L!Ee They keep ~hashing, reworking and repeating themselves. As for the
risks of l~ng and belllg looked at and the complicity between the Hebrews, when they saw Job arrive and the one called Ecclesiastes,
s~l~-;t -~d--~bTect--oftfiat gaze. whatIdid~t~ant to -;;rit~-;-;;J~t they said to themselves: 'Oh, not him again with his stories of suf-
another township or protest novel shrilly pronouncing the execra- fering!'"
tions of apartheid. I wanted the critique of the accursed doctrine to In my later fiction Underground People I would try to people the
emerge automatically out of the objective social relations between two novel with other subjectivities, other lives for whom apartheid was
individuals. To say that to the very end ~re are no social relations to only a suppressed knowledge.
speak of between Ndi Sibiya and Veronica Slater is precisely to con-
,~
firm what the novel set out to show: that apartheid was an unnatural
- Much closer home to my reading, I had been deeply moved by Alan
Paton's Too Late the Phalarope (those birds again!) and had wanted to
~Y;e~, dillbolicallycrue-hmtlinhuman, t:nataSsoclaI belllgs we make rewrite that novel of illicit passion from my side of the apartheid fence;
love in,-ancfby·using language and the abrogation of speech results and of course Nadine Gordimer's one-and-a-:"quarter page description
in a- dlsto'rtion"olilieserelationsfups. For lllstance, the reason we can of the wakening life in a Durban beachfront hotel without so much
n~~~~-kii-m;-;rhetlier the coupIlllg "between N di and Veronica was as a mention of apartheid contained in her story "A Bit of a Young
rape or the consummation of mutual desire is precisely because Ndi Life" was highly suggestive: the portrayal of those "Indian vendors

.- ---
could never openly ask Veronica, in which case she could have erther
given her assent or speak her refusal in the normal way these things
with the haggard heads of prophets, holding up trays of brass orna-
ments" to the tourists was too provocative not to deserve a response
are done in a normal community. ~ from one ~ho would look at the same scene from below. Not surpris-
r As I said, I didn't want to write another "township novel". In fact, I ingly, for many readers the opening scene of Mating Birds has become
have an aversion to township novels and their predictable plots. I the signature for the entire book and bears the imprint of everything
know of no township novel which is able to reflect on its own method, that is to follow and is understandably prized as such.
on what it is doing while telling its story. That is why Njabulo Nde- In contrast to the reception of the novel in the United States,Britain
bele's parables about township lives were so refreshing, and that is why and Europe, where it was widely discussed in newspapers and on tele-
Zakes Mda's Heart seems so full of healthy Redness and Zoe WIcomb's ~ ,
vision, becoming the New York Times's Thursday book choice, earning
David's Story so stunningly "post-, post-" in its inquiry into the project :" itself a lead review in the New York Times Review by the eminent scholar

6 7
Henry Louis Gates] r and being the critics' choice in the Washington thank Kwela Books for prc,viding me with this first opportunity to pay
Post, South African reviewers seemed disappointed that they were not tribute to the woman who .lnitially brought these pages to the world's
getting another "township novel". Mating Birds entered the New York attention: Victoria Skurniek, a doyenne of New York editors, bought
Times's list of 100 best books published in 1986, was unanimously the book for St Martin's Press on the very eve of her retirement. At
praised in the British newspapers, was the Channel 4 Book of the the time I was teaching at the University of Zambia and communi-
Week and wound up with the Macmillan International Pen Prize. cation by post between Zambia and the rest of the world was at best
South African critics, however, mostly the so-called white radicals, perfunctory. I wanted to make a few minor changes to the manuscript
mobilised against Mating Birds as if the book had uttered unforgivable before publication but thE: letter reached New York almost a month
blasphemies, and generally blamed it for dealing with sex rather than too late. Victoria Skurnick (whom I was warned to address only as Miss
politics! One reviewer thought it was not true "prison memoir" be- Skurnick and never by her first name) wrote me this gracious letter
cause it did not resemble Breytenbach's or Zwelonke's writings about of apology:
prison, reminding us of that old philosophers' objection to mixing or-
anges with apples, especially sour ones. One famous novelist whose "I hate not being able to incorporate what you want and I hate the
own novels dealt repeatedly with the same theme accused me of being fact that you are unhappy. I rejoice, however, in the excitement we
preoccupied with interracial sex (why not?) and even absurdly object- all feel about publishing M(!ting Birds. We here have built up a tremen-
ed that there are no birds in South Africa who do it flying, as if it mat- dous amount of enthusiasm ... To delay publication would deflate all
tered. But anyone interested in birds and erotic flying can do no bet- that energy ... I am sorry that not all can be smooth. Yours is the best
terthan look into Leonard Lutwack's book Birds in Literature, which book I have ever had in my editorial hands. I am very proud to be
mentions Mating Birds alongside Walt Whitman, Edwin Way Teale (a publishing it and, as I said in my last letter, we all attempted to inter-
professional naturalist whose bald eagles do a sexual "cartwheeling fere with it as little as possible. Your style is so individual and strong,
down through the sky") and William Everson, among many others. it cannot possibly be mistaken, even with the changes that make you
Written as it was about the racial divide in the 1950s and the 1960s, unhappy. Oh, how I wish you lived in Ohio or Indiana or Florida or
and at its publication inserted willy-nilly into the politics of the 1980s better still in Manhattan! I hope you have a good Christmas. How
in South Africa, Mating Birds became a scapegoat in the feminist sex foolish of me to think this letter will even reach you by then.
wars. Although the history of racial oppression is replete with ex- Warmest regards, Victoria."
~les in which white women first demanded sex then lied ab9ut
b,eing sexually attacked, ~ome white South African feminists felt not Apart from Victoria Skurnick I want to thank Shelley Power, my
only offended but fondled by Ndi Sibiya. At the very time Mating Birds former agent, who believed just as much in the book, and Annari van
came out an American newspaper reported the case of a young woman der Merwe of my present South Mrican publishers. How nice that
who demanded sex with a black domestic, and when he refused or- the birds should mate agan, this time really in "freedom and open
dered him to do as he was told or she would tell her parents that he space, clinging to each other joyfully in the bright air as if for dear life."
had tried to molest her.
Finally, in making Mating Birds available again to a new post-apart- LEWIS NKOSI
heid reading public eighteen years after it was first published, I have to Basle, Switzerland. 2003.

8 9
 1
9 n a few days I am to die. Strange, the idea neither shocks nor
frightens me. What I feel most frequently now is a kind of numb-
ness, a total lack of involvement in my own fate, as though I were an
observer watching the last days in the life of another man.
Every morning I stand at this small grilled window, gazing at the
sky, which is a marvelous blue at this time of the year; the air is as
clear, as hard as frost, and the sunlight has a soft shimmering quality
to it: it blinds the eye; it dazzles. Sometimes a flock of birds will as-
cend the sky, wings beating wildly; often a pair will mate up there in
freedom and open space, clinging to each other joyfully in the bright
air as though for dear life. Then, no longer able to restrain himself,
the male will attempt to inject his sperm into the female and he, of
course, as often as not, will miss so that you can see his pale seed
dripping through the air while the female giggles wildly as is the
habit of her sex. , -
The scenario is the same every morning. The mating birds caw"
they whir and whirl outside my window and ,the smell of fresh spring
sharpens the air with its lush, acrid promise. All the same, it is most-
ly the pirds pairing in the open sky that r,:mind me with a vivid
poignancy I rarely feel these days why I'm locked up in this tiny cell,
awaiting death by execution. I move my hand toward the window and
the sunlight, and try to imagine the colours of the Indian Ocean in
the early morning light when the water is already flecked with bril-
liant sunspots or in the early afternoon when, hardly moving at all,
the water turns into shiny turquoise.
I can see it all quite clearly: the beach, the children's playgrounds,
the seafront hotels, and the sweating, pink-faced tourists from up-
country; the best time of all is that silent, torpid hour of noon when
the beach suddenly becomes deserted and, driven back to the seafront
restaurants and the temporary shelter of their hotel rooms, crowds

11
of sea bathers suddenly vanish, leaving behind them not only the
half-demolished cheese and tomato sandwiches but sometimes an
occasional wristwatch, an expensive ring, or a finely embroidered 2
handkerchief still smudged with lipstick from a pair of anonymous
lips. Not infrequencly, the tourists leave behind them an even wor- Oh, I have often wondered (as most men are apt to wonder, when
thier trophy - a young body lying spent and motionless on the warm it is too late and the game is already lost) how my life would have
white sands to be gazed at by us, the silent forbidden crowds of non- turned out had I not g..one to the beach that hot October day, or, hav-
white boys in a black, mutinous rage. ing gone to the beach, if I ha~_ stayed well within the limits ~y
That, after all, is how I first saw the English girl one afternoon, ly- side of the beach, instead cf poaching so close to what is known as the
ing on an empty stretch of Durban beach as though washed up by "~_tes O~L:~~thing art:~. Would I be languishing in this prison cell
the tide after an all-night storm: she was a golden statue, lovely and now, awaiting death by hanging, or would I have lived to fulfill my
broken among the ruins of an ancient city, and yet for all that, she ambition of becoming the first truly great African writer my country
was shockingly alive, dripping suntan oil and glowing with the sun has ever produced - a future that so many of my friends and teachers
that beat upon her elongated body. Her flesh was surrendered, as it had so confidently predicted for me? Frankly, I don't know. In any
were, to the hungry gaze of Mrican youths who combed the beach case, it is too late now to speculate on such matters. On Friday, as
every day for lost or discarded articles. surely as the sun rises from the east, they will hang me. They will
take me out of my cell; they'll ask me to mount the last steps to the
scaffold; and on the appointed hour, dazed, drugged, and blindfolded,
I will step into a void and the knives will swish. I will have time to
remember only the judge's dire sentence: For the despicable crime
you have committed, I command that you should be taken to a place
of execution, there to be 1:.anged by the neck until you are dead, and
may God have mercy on your soul.
Hard words! Bloodcurdling words! Yet I hold no grudge against
the judge. As he himself was at pains to point out during the trial, he
was merelLcarrying out.his-du,t;!.~ his own personal feelings did not
enter into the matter at all. And to be quite honest, am I myself so
sure that I am entirely bla meless of the _crime I am supposed ·to~h.~Ye
committed? Everything h~ppen:e-d ~o quickly in that seaside bunga-
-low that I could hardly reflect at the time how much of what hap-
pened was wholly of the girl's bidding, how much the result of my
own wayward impulse. What I have come to understand very clearly
is how the seeds of my mm destruction were planted the very first
laid ~yes on-the girl-Iyingon-tlie
day I---=--_._-. sands of the Durban beach,
.__.- _._---- _. _-_._--.,.-..._-------_._-----------_._-._---
,..
12 ~ : 13
 for what happened later was surely the final ripening of those seeds slack, motionless, roasting in the sun, the damp hair clinging to the
and the harvesting of the grain of lustful ambition that had grown in nape of her neck. There was no breeze, no air, no sound anywhere
a matter of weeks until it had matured like a powerful weed to con- except the muffled splash of the water lapping gently against the dark
sume my life. rocks of the beach. Exposed, isolated, she was alone there - or so it
It is tOQ late now to reflect on my father's warning, so often repeat- seemed - inhabiting a marginal world between the despised. segre-
ed to all young men bound for the city. Had the old man not often gated blackS and the indifferent, privileged whites who looked upon
warned: "Never lust after a white woman, my child. With her painted us Africans as interlopersOii'abeach that many felt should have been
lips and soft, shining skin, a white woman is a bait put there to de- c'ompletely set aside for the~. F~r ten minutes I watched her, mes-
stroy our men. Our ways are not the ways of white people, their merised, not daring to make my presence known to her, and in all that
speech is not ours. White people are as smooth as eels, but they de- time she had hardly moved. To this day I do not know what took
vour us like sharks." And so it had proved. Needless to say, at the hold of me then, but suddenly as I gazed at her prostrate form I felt a
time I had not paid any attention to the cranky old man and his feverish, almost uncontrollable desire for the girl. Though now I have
warnings. Not until I had swallowed the bait and the hook was al- had sufficient time to review the events that led to the encounter, I
ready twisting in the gullet did I remember my father's words. That am certain what I felt for her was not exactly sexual desire for a body
day on the beach, when Icam~__?:0"os~ theJ~:l!glish..g~EI,. I saw only I must have known I could never possess, the race laws being what
what "White.AuthoriD.J ~th the aid of so ma~yJ~~~ and legal penal- they are in South Africa; no, it was something more, something vaster,
ties, had
- ..
forbidden
. - .. .....
~~ ~------
me to see. Another human being."A;~~~ with a sadder, more profound than simple desire. Mingled with that feeling
. body that was soft and round and desirable. And within reach. That was another emotion: anger.
is what I saw. Yes, it was anger I felt for that girl. A sudden, all-consuming fury
Separated only by a small stream from the non-white section of the ~nd blinding rage. She lay there in my path like a jibe, a monstrous
beach, the girl was lying flat on her stomach, her brown head shel- provocation, and yet she was not really aware of my presence. Peo-
tered in the crook of her arms. I stopped in my path. It wasn't simply ple like her never are. Her eyes closed, her mouth slightly open as
that her skimpy bikini covered very little of her generous curves; she though ground to dust by a nameless, tameless lust, she was asleep,
seemed never to have bothered to conceal anything. In fact, her bra mindless of the suffering she caused, just as she was mindless of the
was unclasped from the back. She had then eased it down from her sun and the breeze that riffled through her rich brown hair as through
smooth shoulders so that once or twice when she shifted her body the wealthy pages of a smutty book.
on the towel I was able to glimpse a pale wink of flesh from under her It was while I was looking at the fine pores of her skin, at the red
compressed bosom. roots of her brown hair, that the girl opened her eyes. They were
I remember something else too: behind the girl's inert body was funny eyes, wide and green and shot with violet like a glowing winter
the inevitable notice-board bearing the legendary warning: BATHING fire. She seemed not at all surprised to see me there. Perhaps it was
AREA - FOR WHITES ONLY! A sign that immediately filled me with part of the provocation, but for a whole minute she stared into my
rage. Had the girl needed protection against the blazing October sun, ~yes! neither smiling nor scowling, simply and openly staring, giving
the shadow that the billboard cast over the sand would have certainly an impression of a person taking off her clothes in the presence of a
provided it; but she did not seem to need it. She lay there, heavy, lover from whom there was no need to conceal anything. There was

14 15
 in her expression the offer of a familiarity for which nothing had pre- sun. I found that I couldn't see properly and a severe headache was
pared me, a familiarity with which I therefore felt unable to deal with coming on. Rapidly, not wishing to look back immediately, I began
any confidence: her scrutiny lacked either coquetry or artifice and to walk away and when I did look back the girl was sitting up, her
therefore did not accord with her being there at all. If, for instance, arms clasped around her knees, her head bent to one side like a child
she had shown some hesitation, or if she had batted her eyelids or who has been deprived of ~:omething dear. She was watching my de-
fumbled quickly with her towel or bikini, I might have known what parture with more than ca:mal interest.
she was after. Her smile, her striptease act, her calculated coyness,
would have betrayed an interest, an awareness, but she did none of
these things; neither did she smile.
I suppose I should have looked away then. Perhaps it was what she
expected: to browbeat me into losing face. At any rate t I should have
acted as all "good natives" do in the presence of a white woman, above
all one who is without any clothes on. I should have kept my eyes, as
they say, ,!here they belon,E. But I did not; I did not act like a black
who knew his place. I doubt if this was a simple case of boldness or
defiance. I was compelled by something in the girl's eyes that was lu-
dicrously simple, open, naked, and undemanding, a sort of acknow-
~edgtl!ent of myself as a person inhabiting the same-planet as herself.
I cannot exactly describe the emotion I felt at that moment when,
the challenge having been given and accepted, our eyes stayed locked
in a sickening and unloving embrace like exhausted swimmers try-
ing to stay above water, still sinking but holding fast to each other if
only to stay alive. It was then that imperceptibly the girl shifted her
position on the towel, bringing her right arm across her bosom to
cover up her breasts while with the left she cleverly maneuvered to
hook up her bra behind her back. This action, done with a certain
amount of boredom and calculated negligence, offered a fleeting
glimpse of a pale breast with its nipple puckered into a pointed tip
of frilled purple flesh. For the first time, sick, ashamed, and aroused,
I looked away. Looked away but too late to make any difference; for
having looked and seen what was not meant for my eyes to see, I be-
c~me[tlarJ{ed forever with the si~ ofeain. Already the cursewas
beginning its work. After a minute, when I was sufficiently calm, I
stood up. Got up, staggered. I was slightly dizzy from the glare of the

16 17
 bruises left by my hands on the girl's body? Did they not mention
ripped-off clothes? Did they not speak of love bites, of torn lips, and
3 other lacerations on the neck? Did they not allude to the fingermarks
on the breasts and shoulders; and finally the signs of superhuman
00 far as my jail treatment goes I have nothing to complain about. struggle that resulted in furniture being overturned and the bed board
Indeed, from the moment the death sentence was assed on me my collapsing? No, this they cannot believe!
situation improve consideraJ!ly. My cell was made more comfort- M white scrutinisers seem to suspect that a subtle 'oke is bein
abIe,t1le food became noticeably better, I was allowed to have pen played on em. y size is too small and unimpressive, my member
and paper and whatever books I desired. Not to put too fine a point is not hard and permanently erect for everyone to see. I do not pos-
on it, it is !he very heigh!:..Qf.!rQ!1y that, vile as my crime is held to sess any horns sprouting obligingly from the sides of my head. In-
be, IE.~~t;J?~!:9!!!e in my last days something o(a19lkhero, lL!9!!~£f deed, it would be difficult to find anywhere a more regular fellow, a
selebri~.!n a country where celebrities are rare. Were I a popular more banal-looking African. In my prison uniform I remind my white
singer or a cinema star, were I a heart-transplant surgeon or a popu- visitors too much of their garden boys and house servants.
lar politician, nothing in the form of public adulation that is accorded Only the ladies will not let go of the notion that I incarnate some
to such performers could approach, let alone surpass, the kind of pub- dark, devilish force with which it is sufficient merely to come into
lic recognition I have begun to attract as a university-educated native contact to be marked for life. Dressed in their Sunday-best finery,
who went bad; a native who in order to gain a glimpse of a white delicately rouged, gloved and hatted, their faces sometimes veiled
paradise, of that heaven from which many blacks are excluded, tore against what I can only assume they regard as the presence of a con-
down barriers, trampled fences, and defied custom and convention tagious disease, they stand discreetly behind their men-folk, their
to sleep with a white woman. That the girl was no better than a high- hands behind their backs, watchful, tense, and ready to ward off an
class tart, really, who earned her liviii'g1Jystripping'lJet<:>rewhite attack. Sometimes the men will spit on the ground and shout im-
busin-;;;men at some Durban beach nightclub, has been conveniently precations as they leave. "Dirty black bastard! I wish they'd hang you
forgotten.by everyone. Instead, my wild temptress has become a saint, twice over for what you did."
a tender white virgin who beca-;ne tlie unwitilng'vlctim ot tlle-mOSt But for all that, I am well treated by my jailers. As I say, I have be-
despicable sexual crime. What beefy, red-faced Afrikaner farmers come something of a celebrity toward whom even the prison governor
from the platteland come down to the coast to see is a "kaffir boy" feels a certain amount of pride and satisfaction. This may surprise
who had the temerity, the audacity to seize a "respectable" white many, but it is easy enough to explain. After all, it is my crime, as well
woman in her bungalow and insert his horrible, oversized "black as my presence in this nondescript jail, that has drawn attention to
thing" into her - Here my nadir! The very thought of it is enoughto the governor and his staff and has brought observers from interna-
"briilg tears to their eyes. They come and peer through the grille as I tional organizations and news correspondents from some of the best
take my turn at physical exercises, and at their first glimpse of the papers in the world. Inevitably, some of the limelight reflects on the
ravisher I can see first surprise, then doubt, and finally disappoint- governor and his staff. Minute details of my behaviour, based on
ment on their faces. Is this the boy who performed such miracles with round-the-clock observations by trained personnel, are made avail-
a white woman? After all, did not the prosecution speak of scars and able to men who are contributing their knowledge and expertise to

18 19
 the growing body of sexual criminology. They come to pay me a visit, finement, such as it is, would be not more than a form of irritation: ' '
often they stay to spend a pleasant afternoon, drawing me out to speak at worst an inconvenience; or perhaps a welcome if enforced retirr~ .
about the kind of life I led as a child. They ask pertinent questions ment from a world that, to Je quite honest, I have always found gT!!b--,
about my parents, my teachers, the sexual practices indulged in by Ex, <--
mean, uncharitable; a,l:?lace in which th~ best in us contends with,
black people. Others, I'm sure, would like to examine my somewhat- the worst, with human gri~ed! destructive lust, apd vani!y ~ every ..
well, yes, let us admit it -=- oversized penis; but usually they are shy kind. But for me all that is over. Here in jail, protected by brick walls
and polite, eager to preserve throughout the air of a serious, earnest ~ barbed wire, I have at last conquered some of the worst appetites
inquiry into the mental life of a rapist. All the same, the excited cu- of my fl~h; inst~;d of ~~aving fantasies of more and bettercm;~
riosity aroused in my observers by the slightest revelation of any- trived sexual gratification, I spend my last days in meditation. I hope
l-
thing relating to sexual matters borders on the unsavoury. Some of the to preserve these fruits of self-scrutiny for posterity gn cheap, unim-
questions are startlingly naIve. A few are searching enough. They all pressive notepaper with which I have been provided by the authori-
end the same way. 'Yhat made me do it? Had I always entert,ined a -ties in order, as so""many have urged me, to write the story of my life.
-~~ --
.... .........
~1!1<:> K(),to be~with a woman of a superior race? And in retrospect,
though admittedly the conditions were not ideal~id I ~the lady
in question was as sexually capable as a black woman? And, finally,
suppose~ uprising by the blacks were to take place, would every
native go on the rampage, raping every white woman and child in
sight? And so it goes on and on and on!
All this is strange, very, very strange. In fact, to say that my situa-
tion is somewhat peculiar would be to understate the case. For in- I:
stance, how can w~ account for the fact that though I am a rapist, con-
victed before the courts for defiling the sanctity of a white woman's
flt!sh, the treatment I am receiving from my jailers contrasts so curi-
~sly With that meted out to pohttcal prIsoners who have done no
\ <'more th.;~ demand equal rights for all in our ~~untry? Though these
, ,
, ~~n h~ve com~~1tte(rnoVfolence, rroni-'wnafrEiear and from the
~ -.
evidence daily proffered to the courts, their mode of detention is an
outrage to the civilised conscience. Often they are starvect;o--eaten,
~~d tortured to the limits of their endurance. Insteao of receiving
aSSIstance from the state, t1i~ir::.ranulleSare--fi.arassed, bullied, and to
all intents and purposes, punished just as much as if thqili-effiselves
wer~il.!Y-Qf C!:!!l1es against the state.
My own case, as I said, is different: I suffer no such brutalization.
Indeed, were I not a candidate for the hangman's noose, ~ my con-

20 21
 "Only why should I wish it to happen? My father and I got along
very well."
4 I am sorry. I have gone to school. I know what the man wants. I have
read a great deal that surprises and amuses me. Are these not, after
Cfhe story of my life? Everyone wishes to know the story of my all, the men who believe that faeces are to a child what money is to
life! Prison authorities, newspaper editors, students of human psy- an adult?
chology, above all, connoisseurs of human oddity, they all come to ML¥rLc.~E :\1.i~~!~,~~_~:~~~.:~~~~_<!!f~~nt. They ask no ques-
me with avid expressions on their faces, their ears strained to catch tions about my father or my mother, whether or not I come from a
every word I let fall. It is a modern disease, this appetite for facts that, broken home or a happy one. These visitors, who must be as curious
once obtained, it is hoped, will explain everything. Else how to ac- as anyone else, come and sit in the visitors' room talking of matters
count for the trouble everyone takes, the expenditure in time and far removed from sexual crimes. They talk of the weather, of the
money? One man, a European of Swiss-German background, has drought, and of the ruined countryside after the last year's spring
flown all the way from Zurich (everything in our age apparently leads rains have carried the soil off into the ocean. After that they stop and
back to Trier on the Moselle or to Zurich and Vienna, to the Inter- let me talk while they listen. It is a magnificent well-tried method,
pretation o/Dreams and The Communist Manifesto). This man has left this silence, never asking any questions. A trap. It opens me up. At
everything behind, his job, his family his wealthy patients, to come such times it is I who want to talk; it is I who want to mention
and see me, to inquire, to prod, to probe. A large, sober-looking man everything. At such moments I am like a clock that has been fully
in flashing, rimless glasses, Doctor Emile Dufre speaks in a slow, wound up and suddenly needs a release. I want to tell everything, to
courteous manner, using the persistent questioning routine familiar leave out nothing!
to those who seek to unravel the mysteries of the unconscious as physi- "How can I describe how it happened?" Talking of the day the
cians use instruments for sounding and testing for defects in an un- English girl and I slept together, I pause to look at each one in turn.
healthy body. Doctor Dufre gives the impression of vast calm, of "It was like a dream, like sleepwalking. We met as usual, as though
restfulness. He is patient, he is unhurried. Over and over again he by design, at the usual spot on the beach. As was her custom, she got
asks the same questions, only rephrasing them to avoid monotony, or undressed and lay down to sunbathe. I, too, lay down to sun myself.
worse still, in order to avoid giving the impression of not believing I was on mx. 'Black side' of the beach and she was on her 'White side.'
- ~ - - - -.."~~·--·---.. ',,~'·'"··- .. -·'·.. -~ ..~-·-·..-·rN
what I tell him. WIth this man, huge, white, bespectacled, friendly When it was time to leave, she got up and walked the same way sne
but remote, childhood stories are a speciality. Again and again he asks had always walked - across the sand dunes, through the clump of
about my mother; he asks about my feelings toward my father. Did I trees, while I followed at a discreet distance." And thus I go on, and
ever wish to kill him, or perhaps did I not secretly hope that while my while I talk, my African visitors do not look at me. Their heads are
father was cutting the trunk of a tree, the tree would come crashing bent, they stare at my feet as though fascinated by their shapes. All
over his head. When I laugh, Doctor Dufre remains imperturbable. that indicates they are listening, even if they are unconvinced, is the
"You. think it never happens?" he asks. "You will be surprised how occasional African moan or hum, "Mmh!"
often children wish catastrophe to befall their parents!" All the same,} feel the urgent need to explain myse!!:.."The bun-
"Of course, it happens," I say, unable to stop myself from laughing. galow was in a back street, near the football grounds. It was raised

22 23
 six feet from the ground by wooden supports. A flight of wooden Quite clearly these are qualities I do not possess. A bitter man,
steps led up to the door. The girl seemed tired. She climbed each secretive and isolated, sometimes I sReak too Quickly, sometimes too
~"-

one of those steps with a heavy, noiseless tread, carrying on one arm hes!!~_n"!!y, often lapsing into long sudy silences. And from this style
her beach towel, on the other her basket. When she had reached the alone, because of centuries of practice in forming judgment of human
last step, she paused, her hand on the latch, and gazed down at me, a cliaraCter on the basis of h~ma.ll§De~~Jl"J~~ time I leave, my vis-
cryptic smile on her face. Then she entered, leaving the door slightly it~rs se~~t9h~x~~c.QilGiii:.d~d.~a,EJ ~!P_.l)ot to pe trustedj.my ways
open. And while I gazed at her, surprised, she began to undress right a!e,llg19ngectheirways. They have come to the view that I am now
there in front of me ... " as f.c::>!_eig~ to them. as.!h~.}I'h.ttC!,gi~!,E.1ey have been observing in the
Even when I fall back exhausted with the urgency of my confes- witness box with whom I ~m said to have coupled, a ~ma!l as ~,e
sions, ~Y.M~,~~~.,,~~~!.9.:r~S~LnQ,t.hing._Ih~y ,~~Q£~~._!l.~..§Yrprise. as a ple'ce'ofpaper;~~~'~~ ~~In~)on..-g:m~~e=!h~i9.f..e_Koat and whose
They sigh and press the fingers of their hands together and say noth- lips are'painted the colour of red ochre.
ing. Above all, they observe. I can see them watching me when they "Fmally,-'~e~my~:;itors:-&they troop out into the noise and
think I am not l;~ki~g~Yll" this way, simply by watching and by lis- sunshine of the prison yard,~~.-e5.-aYcidiDg mine, the message
tening, they are at last able to form an opinion of me. They are able is as clear as if they had spoken. I am not to be trusted. Even if I am
to make up their minds as to what kind of person I am. Am I capable, to die for them I no longer exist. In realitylhave become a stranger,
as the Court seems to have been convinced I was, of seizing a soli- a shadow with whom they :l.ave notlJ.ing in common. So once again I
tary white woman in a cottage by the sea and ravishing her against a!ri,-alone .. but it was not alwa~·thus. In essence, this is what I tell the
her will? My visitors express no opinion; they only listen to what I man from Zurich, my cons1'ant visitor, my interrogator, my confessor.
have to say; later they will make up their minds about me.
These people, the old uncles and the aunts, some of whom are mere
links in a long chain that fonns the extended family, I have never seen
before now - at any rate, these people listen not to the words I speak
but to something behind the voice, something that ought to match
, . the expression on my face but may not. To these people, I suddenly
, . realise, !p-S:l"api(:Lsp~s.£.h, !hc:!_~gnstant shifu~(~~ne ~~_~,~~n­
':' r ,.t!t e 'l!ll:c::~p~~!~d flashes of wit and irony, create an impression of
: motional in~tability, of discontentednes~wlllClileaves~~d-oubt
s t~-:r;.~~t=ars;-undness. I do not speak lik'~'th'~~': i~'~y ~oi~~,"i~
1he"q~jck rhythms of my speech, there is something alien~~Qn
disregard for the proprieties of fonnal discourse in which one Zulu
tellin'g-astory to a"ii~ther bri~s to th;narrative-t:h-;;~~onstr~T~ts'of
co~"i.cly'd1gruty·sometime~ki~~~i~~Q.!!.4~gEi:dr~WQ$pect"a~·t0
c~u.s·ealisteii~iwa:rtriii for the p()i~t Q( !p'~__s!.~ry to groan aloud in
~J:e~~~d .~2~!i!t:~t~·' .' ."' '
24 25
 plicated affair. Above all, I hl!~ tri{!~ ~ explain as m~~~_~()~y~e~f
as to the hordes of anonymous readers - my hypocritical brothers ~....,.d
5 .=;=--~'''' - who will read, judge and accUse-me"Wiili110w 'fcame to fea-
ture in what has become the most celebrated case of "indecent assault
every day I talk to Doctor l2.!!,fre, the e:rJ¢!neE!§~iss crimino!.?gist,
who is compiling a dossier of my case "for the augmentation of sci-
entific knowledge", as he quaintly puts it. "When I am not talking to
o and rape" in the annals of South African crime. " _
You may think, and quite rightly so in my opinion, that thenoto?,--
--!:t~ attached to this case has come about not so much from ~h_e__
the great Swiss doctor of mental health, I am engaged in writing my ; pugn.a.!2!2:ature of the crime ~oIl11tslacial unE-ert:~~~In
life story. It helps to pass the time. I short, ~~rl1S'WIiIteaiiCITaii1black. I cannot possibly disagree with
A great discipline, writing. One might even say it is character- \ such a just and generous interpretation of the facts, for everyone knows,
forming were the observation not likely to sound a trifle odd in the I that I~~£...~ang not .s.!mply for raping ~_~~~!_i9E-h.:avinK?!e.pt.
mouth of one already condemned to hang for the crime of raping a I with a '!!!.hite woman;To~viI.!:S' aspired, so to speak, to what Soutlv.....
white woman. All the same, I derive a great satisfaction from writing. \Africarurl!!t-esfma~!.~~. is the height of sexual bliss. Still, let us no~:
I write all the time. The th~llt ofd.ea1:h, theh~rror ofd~parting labour the point.
from this world before my time is served, so to speak, puts new zeal I have said as much to Doctor Dufre, this funny man who comes to
into my pen. hear what r have to say, who scans my face, who interrogates, who
I sit at a small wooden table by the grilled window of my cell. The scribbles and compares the notes with what I have written.~~ aJ.:w
table is heaped with cheap prison paper, and with the enthusiasm of Who has seen much that is odd and unEleasant in the _world, Dufre
a man partaking of the last meal before setting out on a long and ar- has the patience and ,nrofessional curio~ that make him an ideal
duous journey, I write the story of my life. I write of my first en- listener. To begin with, l!!I to describe t~hi~~mp'1,!l~~w.at.9!:~w
counter with the English girl, of my subsequent arrest, of my trial meJ~Q_.th~?nglish girl in a coun~~here _.::v~_t.?}_?Ek a~_a whi::
and conviction. I write not in an orderly fashion, not even chrono- w-9ma:gjs to court daylight beatings arufWorse .. I cannot yet make
logically, but randomly, setting down what memory thrusts to the clear even to mysclf what came over me that hot sultry November
forefront of ~y diseas~d mind, with a hasty if confined feeling of re- day when, walking behind the English girl who wore her usual red-
~. Relief, if! may say so, .!lot unlike sexual rel~ase. and-yellow-flowered wrap, I followed her up the dunes into the se-
Let me also mention the fact that in writing my story, I have tried cluded beach-side cottage and watched her while she unwrapped
not to loose a grip over my emotions. That is very important. A kind herself like a gift and lay naked, fully stretched out on the bed with
of taut moral compactness is what I have aimed for, phrases rounded "the door wide open. I trace the sequence of events from the very first
up and cut down to size like blocks of ice. Self-pity and sentimen- day that I clapped my eyes on the girl lying spent and motionless on
tality are two faults, I hope, I shall never be accused of by those who a lonely stretch of Durban beach, the days and weeks afterward when
will have the opportunity to read what I have set down in these note- I watched her slim figure slack, pink, and hot with sun, stretched on
papers. I may not have always succeeded, of course, but at least I have the sands of the beach like an elongated fish, to the moment when
tried. I have tried to see everything"keenly:, nakedly, despite the fact during a hasty coupling, spurned and oVErwrought with desire, I strug-
that human motives are always mixed, at the best of times a very com- gled with the girl's naked body while/he ~5":re~~med and cursed until

26 27
 the police and neighbours came running through the open door. Like
a madman, I remember that even after I had heard the noise of ap-
proaching footsteps and the sound of excited voices getting closer all 6
the time, and with half the furniture overturned - the prosecution
later made much of this fact and the girl screaming and kicking, I 'Throughout the proceedings and within the strict meaning of the
E..emember that my one thought was to return, by force if necessary, game they were asked to play, the judges of the Supreme Court have
to that narrow fount, to the source of all forbidden pleasure where I been scrupulously fair to me. My rights havebee~-ine~ti~~ed;' the
,had just ~~,~:!:?:~_~~.~.1!.g th~,n. ej,~'~t;~2t~-tru; d;{y, my eyes shut, police have been urged repeatedly to do nothing to abrogate them.
I can still see her white naked body; I can still remember the smell The fact that the girl I'm supposed to have ravished is whi~ became,
of sun-drenched hair and the salty taste of fine sweat and seawater no doubt, the source of rec.lrring embarrassment for everyone con-
where I pressed my mouth on her breast.
When Dufre is gone, I write down what I have been relating to
.. nected with the case, for that fact alone meant that everyone had.J.o
lie with. the nagging suspici:m that the real point of this trial was not
him while it is still fresh in my mind. I write it down rapidly in long- the rape of a girl but the colour of the alleged rapist as much a~ that
hand, with a steady and sober accumulation of details, coaxing the of~e victim. But how can this fact be acknowledged without doing
memory, which at best is unreliable, or at the very worst treacherous. incalculable harm to the c:mse of justice upon which the very exis-
For pen and paper (for what is by any South African standards an tence of the judges depends, to say nothing of their supposed im-
extreme indulgence) I have to thank the intervention of the Minister partiality and incorruptibility, a matter that involves their highest
of Justice, who was satisfied that my request for books and writing personal dignity! ~o everyone except my lawyer talks around w!!~
paper could not in itself constitute a threat to public security and the main is~e, :which, thOl:.gh unspoken, remamsat the very ~entrW
good order. What possible behaviour by an African prisoner who is of the trial, a festering sore contaminating the air 'with it~~~9-~Qf
convicted of the sexual crime of rape could constitute the so-called .ntcial conspirasy.
.. __ ._~ s:;;l
-
threat to public security and good order the prison authorities nev- The moment I was shoyed into the dock and, blinking into the
er cared to explain. No matter. This may have been simply one of light of day, saw the judges sitting on the dais in their scarlet robes
those official phrases of which the South Mrican government is an and white wigs, solemn, rosy-cheeked, yet grim and determined, I said,
acknowledged master. When I finish writing, I push the stacked-up to myself, They are going to· hang:!!!Jb Even before they had heard my
pages aside. I get up from my table and walk up to the small grilled side of the story I knew they were going to hang me. ~omething about
window of the tiny cell I occupy alone - another form of indulgence the way they avoided looking into m~y'e~5>r the exasperating dispi*
- where I gaze at the empty sky for minutes on end, like someone . of eXpanSIVe courtesy with which they favoured me at the slight~stc
waiting for rain to fall. provocation alerted me to 'the fact that they were going to hang me. I
said to myself, I'm fair gamt'for them! They are after my neck! But they
were in no hurry to press their claims. All the same, if I needed any
proof of the ChiefJustice's intention, the pitiless smile, wan and care-
fully put on like his cravat, convinced me long before he pronounced
sentence that in his own mind he had already found me guilty.

28 29
 I know it may seem ungrateful and even petulant of me to say it, say shocking. A prisoner who has unwittingly put too much trust in
but in a long and dreary trial of this kind the judge's kindness is the the judge's apparent compassion during the proceedings, or even the
most intolerable feature of the proceedings; the beaming smile shines frank expressions of affection, is thus always caught unawares by such
down from on high into the well of the court like the bright flash of a complete tum-about. Startled and puzzled by this unexpected tum
an avenging sword. And when His Lordship periodically asks the court in their fortunes, I have heard of hardened criminals turning gray with
orderly, with the concern of a high-minded executioner anxious for shock before fainting in the dock. That is not how I wish to make my
the welfare of his victim, whether or not my cell conditions are satis- exit from this world.
factory, or when in a quavering, highly strung voice he demands to
know whether anything can be done to improve my diet and the com-
fort of my bedding, I know what to expect. Even more disturbing is
the judge's interest in my capacity to concentrate on the proceedings.
Leaning forward a bit in his chair, his iron-gray head tilted slightly
to the side as if to listen to some extraterrestrial voice, Chief Justice
Milne addresses the prosecution in a tone full of heavy public con-
cern for the rights of a citizen: "~ew o(the Accused's tenden£Y to
fall asleep in the middle of an important piece of testimony," he ob-
".--
serves, "can this Court be assured that everything is being done to
a
enable him-to-get gooa night's sIeep?'----
" The query causes-consternatlOnasil1Uch among the police officers
as among the white citizens in the public galleries. Such solicitude
for the comforts of a black man is frankly unheard orin our coun~.
_B--u~ no fool. I_know then-with an absolute certaintytliai this judge
is-Omit to liangme. If I had not suspectedi"tbefo-re;1i"ls"repeated ex-
presSiOns of ~rn for my safety and comfort convince me he is
out to hang me. I have had sufficient opportunity to study the form
of these proceedings. I have heard of judges who had only minutes
before cheerfully exchanged anecdotes with a prisoner in the dock;
judges who had tirelessly harassed and obstructed a prosecutor during
the conduct of the trial, suddenly lowering their heads as though in
prayer and in a tone of eerie vibrant emotion, sometimes accompa-
nied by a farcical jerking of the face into tearful compassion, suddenly
declare, "I find the Accused guilty of all the charges under the law.
Have you anything to say in mitigation before I pass sentence?" Such
an abrupt change in the judge's manner is always astounding, not to

30 31
 as a hero who dared to defy the laws of this country, makes it the
\ - more urgent, I submit, that should the Court find the Accused guilty
7 ." he should be made to pay the supreme penalty that for crimes of
/. this nature our courts are required to exact. Your Lordships, in a case
Oitting in the g;t.om~~ourtroom, it was sometimes d' cult to avoid of this sort I submit that Lothing short of capital punishment can
the i~pre~~!9n at some elaborat ~imiQ..!e-K-ame as E!!!Y being suffice. Until such time as white women of this city, I dare say until
played by the mi .ons of the Justice Department wi no other ob- " "
such time as white women of this country, can walk about freely in
f~tive in mind save the fulfillment of some deeply atavistic need for the streets and on the beaches of our towns without fear of molesta-
ritual. There was the ChiefJustice himself, for example, and his two tion, our police and our courts are obliged to see to it that everything
assessors, whom he addressed solemnly as "My Brother Judges", in is done to uphold the law. Uutil that time, Your Lordships, our women-
their scarlet robes, their heads bewigged like those of some African folk our mothers and our sweethearts and our sisters - will find it
medicine men presiding over some dark ceremonial proceedings, increasingly difficult to venture out of doors without fully armed es-
Their heads would bob up and down. They would nod gravely. But corts!"
when they held themselves completely still, which could last for a For a moment, deeply m:Jved by his own eloquence, the prosecu-
whole intolerable minute while they listened to a piece of long evi- tor collapses into a chair and mops his brow with a suitable large and
dence, their solemn impassive faces presented _a.P~~fou.nd_I!letaQ1!or very white handkerchief, vi~;ible to even those sitting way back in the
for
<.
Death.
--'
public galleries. But the judges, I am glad to say, look pained and
Kakmekaar, the Erosecut~r, plays his part with just enough gusto embarrassed by the eagerness with which the prosecutor presses his
to attract the next day's headlines. But occasionally he is chillingly claims. After all, though the)' are white, the justices are devoutly wed-
~~abk. When he demands that the judges find me guilty as charged, "
ded to the formal demands, if not the spirit, of justice. T~e ~ if
his manner becomes harsh, bitter, personally aggrieved. "The fact, game this is, must be playeg strictly according to the rules. So the
Your Lordships," he reminds the judges, his large-jowled pulpy face judges peer with anxious imploring eyes toward my defence counsel,
growing livid with fury, "that the Accused has a smattering of an edu- a small, dapper, darkly handsome figure, with a covert invitation that
cation and that shortly before his arrest he had, in fact, been a fUll- ]le, too, should play his pan in ~ in order to endow the pro-
time student at the University ofNat~l, a privi!~ge that he was soon £eedings with the necessary legitimaQ'. '
to ab~~~~I le~_~~~_~1 demonstratiops against the university au- From the dock I watch everything. No gestures escape me. tch-
thorities, is one important reason, we feel, that Your Lordships should ing them Qlay theu- roles, t1:.e prosecutor, the judges, the scan
~ake an example of him as a deterrent for other misguided native§." members of the public, is my way of dealing with the enn
Here Kakmekaar pauses to cast a glance at the dock where I sit, flanked spreads like an epidemic anund me. I also watch the girl, Veronica
by two armed police constables. "I may also add, Your Lordships," Slater, who, after giving her evidence, sits in the front row of the
he says persuasively, "that the fact that m:o photograQhs in gilded white galleries, intolerably beautiful in her hand-knitted ensemble of
fralI?-es duly appeared !!t the Bantu newspaper, which, as I ~derstand, white dress and white coat, vrith a sloppy, wide-brimmed hat to match.
has a considerable circUlation among natives without much sophisti- Today she looks different. ]n the intensity of the sun of the beach I
cation, natives who, I venture to suggest, may look up to the accused remember only too well the girl who, not pale, not angelic and ethe-
--- ~."-- j

32 33
 real like this one, but warm, pink and lush, turned swiftly on the have to remind My Learned Friend this is a court of justice, nota;
towel, the hotness of the sun gathered into the pinkness of her sun- butcher's shop!"
burned tan. In court, surrounded by her own kind, Veronica looks This kind of thing goes on for days on end. The heat in the court-
extremely white and vulnerable, like an unreal thing evoked out of
the gloom with the trick of some magical sleight of hand. She looks
the ve:ry sy:I!!bol of Q!!rity and light, of saintly flesh, raped, violated
bythe brutal force of a dark continent It is as if I am seeing her for
room is unbearable. Outside, the sun shines from a naked and indif-
r ferent st:Y. Bu. t inside the c?urtr?om thtindiffer~!),~~j§_~lQa~~d.. with

~ce...Q.~bohc actlOn. I am the~nal g2ill?~!~g-pre­

I
i

pared fo:~l.sku~ and, of course, ~m bored with the I

the first time. From a window above her a light shines into the court- - Ion ed but clearl necessary preparations for the~remomaI sh~ \
-. ___ ~-.-_ 'f

room, but it does not entirely relieve the gloom in which she sits, her ding ofbloo
long beautiful legs pressed together, her hands clasped and resting en I am not in court, listening to the gradual accumulation of
calmly on her lap. Rather, it shines straight across the room, toward the evidence against me, evidence. pieced together from the testimo-
the dock in which I sit, enfolded in the castle of my skin. It is against ny of witnesses who apparently enjoy nothing better than giving vivid
this light, trying to see Veronica's face, that I sometimes lose its dis-

~~.
---
tinctness. All I can see is the blur of whiteness that blinds me by its
..--------~-~~-"-~~'"~" .-".".---~.
descriptions of sexual details in cases of this kind - government pathol-
ogists who, though careful to show their distaste and discomfort, glee-
fully mention the results of painstaking laboratory tests of drops of
My counsel, Max Siegfried Miiller, Q.c., is the most celebrated semen found in the girl's body or those among the chief medical ex-
advocate for the oppressed and the downtrodden in our country. An aminers, who with the greatest devotion to duty, tell the Court how
old man with a white lion-mane on his back, a vast forehead and square they stripped the girl and raked her body for clues of physical strug-
jaw, a pair of penetrating blue eyes, he is, of all surprising things, con- gle and violation - when these men have favoured the Court with the
sidering where he is now, a refugee from Nazi Germany who came minutest detail of what theyfound -love bites on the girl's neck and
to South Africa at the young age of twenty-four. He is known as the shoulder and left breast; when the police officers speak angrily but
scourge of the establishment, of the ill-trained and inexperienced eagerly, without much prompting, of torn pieces of underwear, of
magistrates and prosecutors. Elegantly dressed in tailored pinstriped furniture overturned, of blood and fingerprints and the stains of sex-
suits, he conducts himself with a deliberate calmness, calculated to ual intercourse left on the bedclothes and the carpet; when the grue-
present the most striking contrast to the exultant, most extravagant some details have been mentioned and pored over by the judges and
histrionics of the prosecution. When he rises, he speaks softly, with the Court rises regretfully at the end of each session, clearly with
a courteous disdain for the depth of his opponent's legal argument. hopes for even more lurid details to come, a black sedan car arrives
With mock desperation, he addresses himself to the grateful judges: to take me away under armed guard as befits the celebrity that I have
"Your Lordships, I must urge My Illustrious and Learned Friend, become! With a slow, monarchal progress I am then drive!!. through
Meneer Kakmekaar, I must try and curb his instinct for blood. I know the busy city streets, back to : ; priso;g:;!!.~*!!...I..!~!.f?r hoUf"~­
this may be asking him to place upon himself an intolerable and per- der a dim light,~aalnt ~~_. $ ana:~!:.':?E1L?.E the h~~n co~
hap.s impossible restraint, but really he must try! Not a day passes in iil!1r;~!:::r"'''-'~-''~ ....."-.. . . ~ .
this Court without My Learned Friend being heard to importune --rvery day, the sedan invariably took the same route, which surprised
Your Lordships for a speedy dispatch of my client to the gallows. I me for it revealed the appalling laxity in security arrangements. From

34 35
 the Supreme Court, a large Victorian building, old and gray with the
accumulation of bird droppings, we would drive down through the
gardens, with only one stop at the traffic lights. Nothing is better than '8
the view of the Indian Ocean from the brow of this hill, but the
court building itself is a disappointment. In a city famous for its ever- "c5~all b~ginnin~,
we start at the Mr Sibiya?" is how rlufre com-
green trees, for flowers forever blooming in and out of season, the mences one ofhis many sessions of inquiry into what he is pleased
Court stands stark and austere on dusty ground bereft of anything to term my "possible abeEation". Dufre, my persistent suitor, my
green. On the perimeter of the court grounds, a parking lot, a girls' solemn inquisitor, the wrecker of my peace, my torturer. How I hate
school and a building that serves as chambers for counsel are all that to see his face sometimes, the pinched, ravenous expression of the .
distinguish a square famous as a seat where a peculiarly South Mclcan eyes, the hooked nose upon which perch the glinting, rimless glasses.
brand of justice is dispensed. From here the road leads down to the The very sound of his slightly hoarse voice is a jarring assault on my
sea, through the racecourse and the city's main shopping area. On a ears. Slow and heavily accented but always meticulous and carefully
clear day you can see the ocean and the palm-fringed esplanade. It is phrased, Dufre's English retains the flawless accuracy of a diligently
a calm sea,~eflecting nothing of the city's turbulence, nothing of its acquired language. His Rh'~sing is measured but pleasureless. It is,
minor fractious wars, nothingofrac'eriot;, and economic conflict. efficient but devoid of human poetry; acquired, no doubt, after ~uch
'FrO'm this point you can see the docks and beyond them the stretch painful effort and mental application, his linguistic skill, such as it is{
.~ white sands of the Durban beach in the day's blazing sun. It was shows (in its lack of rhythmic suppleness, its poverty of verbal wit)
Jhere, six months ago to this day, that I first came across the English the many hours of grinding toil that made possible its attainment. But'
" girl, ~ca §l~er, white, limp, drowsily sunbathing in...a no-man's- for all its admirable precision, ~r Dufre's English is also the lan-
( land between the "Whites Only" section and the rock-strewn "Non- $Uage of the scien~t. It is without !l doubt the language of police
-Whites" bathing area; After my expulsion from the university for inquisition and of torture. It has none of the felicity of verbal play,
rebellious conduct, for insubordination and "gross indiscipline", I none of the sexual brevity of human speech.
had taken to loitering on this beach, watching the big ocean liners "May I remind you, Mr ;;ibiya,"he begins, "of your solemnly en-
streaming out of the bay for distant shores of Europe, America, and tered promise to discourse to us on the years of your pastoral child-
the Far East. In my mood of profound despondency I was thinking, hood, a subject, ifI may say so, tha! is of great clinical interest to my
'jPlanning and dreaming of escape from South Africa, from the life of profession." ...,
~ppressIon and w.retched exploitation:_The girl, too, who appeared so ~storal childhoQd?) Affecting surprise.
unexpectealy on this strand of beach ~s perhaps part of this dream "Yes. I would like to heal' of it. It could help us to trace the origins
of escape. Life plays us so many jokes. -- of the obsession, your aspirations to obtain sexual gratification from
a female source other than a woman of your own race."
"Why not put it down to a passing whim, Doctor? No more than a
passing whim. After all, it i) not possible --a momentary loss of con-
trol, a madness, frustration ... " The distinguished doctor looks suit-
ably anguished. These evas ions, I know, irritate him, but for me they

36 37
 constitute the only defence I have against the officially sanctioned kind," but the words do not come naturally to the tongue. The phrase;:;-
pryings of bureaucrats and foreign visitors. wm:Jd not fit the emotion I wish to describe. Mzimba? How difficult \,
In the ghostly twilight of my death cell, with black spiders above it is, after years of living in the city, to imagine that puce-coloure~ '"
us weaving magic webs of finely spun silk in which to capture their landscap~=Qfst~Elillls~a~~~~t'!pvane~-d~tted._~y',~~.E:?ed Zulu mud \
unwary victims, the doctor of mental illness and I sit facing each other, huts. On a clear day you c().uld ~ee !!::e white .P~u~..::.~~f sE:5~~~!!~~~ ;
, not far apart, sombre, intimate, as befits the nature of our conversa- for miles around in a shimmer of brilliant sunshine from the brown '
tions; nevertheless between us there remains a barrier that neither ~lu~!i;~-~!~;~!:~g~J~}:l~~l.!A~_'piQk~~~~?~!~~:f~;~.ili~_aE~~.~~ i
party wishes easily to acknowledge. The reason is simple enough: a dongas where the rain had bitten deep!Yi!!t9 th~_~:r:m:Tp.!L~.!ltire \

~.'.:::~!~. lS~=::.J.~i!~~.:d.T1.·g.~~!~;~~~~~.:~i~~~~~.~:~J
man already condemned to die cannot feel at ease in the presence of
another whose life is yet unclouded by the possibilities of imminent
death, whose only passion is the excavation of charred seams of the th~. ro1liI!-K_P!~~,!1?_.1lP:?E. 'w:~ic!1:]ler~~_<:?f Zulu_~~ttl~_s:.t.:.~z~.~5JI~!l??:!y
unconscious. Perhaps it is this awareness of what truly separates us while gazing into the li.!!litless blue <?f.!l.:t_t:.l1?E~~~n. From about here,
that adds to the mid-morning gloom of my death cell. For what in the harsh:~'-;iftai:ta ~~-rigable, the river runs its turbulent course until
end can we say to each other, this white man and I, that can break it reaches the flat coastal plains, where it slows down as it enters the
th-~ she 0 IstOry an 1 erate us om the time capsule in which sea.
,. W"S!~
)
are both enclosed 2..Whatcan a Swiss-German Jew say to a black .
I was born here and I grew up here, the favourite son of a large
.'South Mrican convict that can ease the pain and loss and create be- Zulu household, loved, cherished and made much of by my various
\ ~een maQ~or communication across v~~~ ~:r:nces of social "mothers" and various "fathers", by my sisters and brothers, by the
~~Skg!"qundart.~Jl~?ry? No wonder our conversation, interrupted many cousins and aunts who normally inhabit a sizeable ~~~'ll}~!.~~l.
only by the stray buzzing of a fly or by the sharp echo of a warden's To this day I can remember clearly the vast homestead nestled on the
booted footsteps, while it is friendly enough, is als? subtly strained, side of il11n;the-huts's~t~~o~~d'th'e 'cattIekra:il, wlllch-isthe"ilitiiral
frequently marked by long silences during which the Swiss empties forum ofa]argeZlilu-famliy:-Ashort 'walk~upc the incHi'l.'e'ofthis hill
his pipe, filfs it very slowly with tobacco from a brown leather pouch and we could i~ok'(fown'on one of the most beautiful stretches of
he keeps close to his elbow. I can tell from the regular intake and coun~.iP:<~}l.9.f ~~,l!.L~!1_~:"From·theedgeorfIie·-pfa·tea~,-~sible
release of breath the immense control the good doctor requires to fro~ about a hundred miles inland, the sea looks perfectly calm. Seen
suppress his internal agitation. All the same, there is nothing faked I1:S-watery bed like a
from such a. height it seems to be --rep-oslngin
about my visitor's curiosity, which is truly elephantine. Nothing ex- slothful ~~~~~§=~e'-s~-and_~~~:~_to ~~ c~ressilJ.~L~:ee~e,
hausts his passion for information. "Tell me about your birthplace," willi an occasional steamer ploughing Its course across the Immense
he urges. blue lagoon. But how capricious and untrustworthy that fine weather!
At this request, I sit up more alertly in the chair. "About Mzimba? During the day a thick ~~p.Eur ~!I~0E?-~times get up fr:o~th~_9.c~~1.l'
There is nothing much to tell about Mzi'mba, Doctor Dufre." a strong afternoo~breeze will waft the moist Ya.poll:t::~j1.lI11!!..c! and,
pufr€ smiles solicitously. "Nothing?" forced to rise by tliees'carpmeiit:-thealr will quickly conde_I.1:s_~.!>~fore
"I mean, it's a country place much like another. There is~e falling down as a rainstorm. Alwaystoo-sudaen~t1ie-ralnstorms catch
( ~~, the air is pu~ ... !" I want to add, ~There is even freedom of a everyone unawares. In the mor~ing an_____ angry sun may
, __ ··• __ . ____ .M. ___
~_,
be blazing
_ _ _ _.. _ . _ _ _

38 39
 from a sky quite cloudless and e~mpo/ ()f rain, a sky held in torment too. Certainly, on both sicles there was affection, there was physical
like a clay pot above a scorching fire; in the afte:rnQ2!l, smelling damp desire, there was respect.
from the ocean, the intsingizi will sob its mystery. Thedark~~lJds An old man when he took my mother, Nonkanyezi, to wife, by
w2!!.J~ile Up_~!~0~ top of ~;¥zimba mountain~Ha~d E~~~dr~~s the time I was born, my rather was already married to four other
larg~as theJll~~~s~ of a young-Zuru-Virg1ii)vill,ro~L~2~fl~om !lIe wives by whom he hadafn;;iCly siredmany;~;:;-~~- daughters, some
~. A man might have crossed the Tugela in the morning; in the of wh6iii-were t:iiemselves dready married, with children of their own.
evening he is unable to return home, for the river is swollen and As is the usual case in a.porygariioUs1iouse!i§I?b, being the youngest,
turbulent, carrying before it uprooted trees, drowned animals and, my mother was also the1'a\'our'ite. A young wife, it seems, has certain
occJ!.siQl1l!lly~en the dead body of some unlucky individual. advantages over the senior wiveS. Still vigorous and full of sap where
(These are~y_!!:~~~0?fM~i,QL?:ulula~d) the other wives have become slack and thick-fleshed, not to say a lit-
,When I was growing up, life at Mzimba was slow and easy-going. tle weary with the burdens of child-bearing, the youngest wife comes
As children, we were prot;;tecl from: the-·kD.~;;f;Jg;;··;;f-thelarger bearing youth and a new life to a man already old enough to be her
cruelties !hat were visited up~n black:peopie-Yn the rest of the coun- father. She is a tonic. She eases his path to the grave with the gaiety
'I tio1:*., land was fer~le, we-hadc~tt1e~wegiew'~i;ough .to eat and to
. spare. As for our white rulers, I dId not see my first whIte ma.n - or,
and vitality of a young girl. She may even restore a measure of sexual
potency to one already given up on such earthly adventures. Such was
shallI say, my first white woman - until f~ourteen years old, a the case with my mother.
boy looking much older than his age but as yet to undergo the thomba Only a slip of a girl whe::l she married - I can remember that even
when I was already a grown-up boy my mother was still young,
initiation ceremony. The European settlement at Mzimba was about
unusually slim and willo"\\y for a Zulu woman, with high pointed
forty miles away, and white people rarely came to our part of the
breasts, very dark glossy hair and flashing white teeth. There were
world unless obliged to do so by the nature of their special duties
many rumours about her. One was to the effect that before she mar-
and responsibilities.
ried my father she had been betrothed to a popular praise-singer in
Very often I am asked - and who asks this question oftener than my
the village who at the lastnoment defaulted on the payment of the
friend, the great Doctor Dufre how my parents got along together.
bride-money. The scandal had been great; the young man had lost
My answer is simple enough. They got on well. They got on fine. face, but what was loss to the young cub was gain to the Sibiya lion.
Indeed, if I can venture to put a name to so obscure an emotion as Much later I had cause to reflect that my mother must have been
that w,lIleh binds a woman to a man, I would say my father and my greatly in love with the gifted young poet, so hushed was her voice
~e(l~~ach other, though as a g:;;d !!!an and a gQ-Q~.tt~~~ my when she happened to mention his name, so haunted was the expres-
j;ther~~~Jl~eJ;l ~,!Ilba,gassed by a <kcla.nti.on..Qf such~§~n­ sion in her eyes that long":"f.:>rgotten shadows seemed to have crawled
'timentl~()y~?__w~~~ows w~~~ove is. A dog loves his master._A man out of her past to mock her present tranquil existence. Those mo-
1 "-....: '----
Ifltakes care of his women and his c dren. Then he is happy. But love? ments were few and far between, for the rest of the time the only
- ~
Such talk smacks too much of the kind of weak sentimentality so sign my mother gave that much unhappiness hid been companion
be~oved by our European masters. Still, looking back on their -rela:- to her girlhood was the fre :.Iuently noted tendency she had to a high
tionship, on their devotion and their fidelity, I have to say, yes, I think nervous laugh, which occasionally turned her uncheckable mirth into
my father loved my mother, and perhaps my mother loved my father, dry hysteria.

40 41
 Unh~l-:p_iness is not an e~otion that alarge Zulu family can allow household. During the day, while carrying out their household duties,
to dominate one of its members. After a"decentpassage of time it nlust shelling mealies off the cob or crushing the shelled grain on the spe-
be checked, life must go on. After all, that is what a large family is cial grinding stone, the women would be heard gossiping together
there for. So it was with my mother. Once she had consented to mar- in the yard like a lot of clucking hens.
ry my father, her past sorrows were all forgotten. She now seemed Once or twice Doctor Dufre has discreetly mentioned the subject
content with the way things had turned out. She was the favourite of my religious upbringing. He has pointed out, for example, that the
wife of a powerful man, a headman. She was~!",ecognised by everyone time of death is the moment when our thoughts are supposed to be
a.sagrc:at_~~~llt:y·--Sometimes the subJectof ~r good i~oks was oc- elevated to higher, more spiritual things. It is the moment, it is said,
casion for mild censure, one might even say fear, among the women when we come face to face with our destiny; the gains are calculated,
of the household. With a mixture of pained admiration and cautious the losses are counted, and fear of perdition, hope for eternal bliss
disapproval, older women referred to Nonkanyezi's bright person- have the effect of concentrating the mind wonderfully. This may be
ality, her gaiety, her high spirits. They noted her walk, which was so, but I have to confess that my religious training, such as it was,
not so much a way of getting there as a brazen invitation to the eyes leaves me considerably unprepared for meeting my creator. Not even
of men to gaze at what was not properly theirs to admire - the male the customary Zulu hope of joining the ancestors, supposing that giv-
eyes, as old women were obliged to add, which were already too rest- en tlle nature of my crime they could welcome me to their august
less to require any further stimulation. Whenever the youngest wife company, awakens in me the smallest enthusiasm. The truth of the
had occasion to put on her new beads, her bangles and her flashing matter is, I am lost. To be more precise~doubly I~Unlike my
anklets, everyone, it seemed, was obliged to hold her breath. Old father, I believe in nothing, neitherj.!!".christian.i:tl)JlJ~t"~ality nor in
women protested, old women chided; was not a certain unobtrusive- th~ultimate fellowship WIth the a; cestrlrl-spirits;-I-have"no faith in
ness in a married woman's behaviour more appropriate than this per- th~ he~after. When the time comes for my execution, I will don my
petual effort to shine with the brilliant splendour of the rising sun? hood. I will climb the final steps. When the word is given, I will step
The old women moaned and shook their heads. After all, who did not into the void and the knives will swish. There will be darkness and
know how Nonkanyezi - whose name meant "star" - had been court- nothing. This lack of faith is my oss. It is also my strength. My fa-
ed by so many young men that in the struggle for the possession of ther was different. In eve 'ng touching on religious belief and
her hand there had been numerous stick fights until that aging wily morals he clung stubbornly to custom and tradition. Day after day
lion, Sibiya, snatched the prize fawn from the contending cubs? he drank his endless herbal concoctions. He prayed to the ancestors.
If my mother knew what people said about her behind her back In the special area at the back of the main hut, emsamo, surrounded
she gave no indication of it. Liff!j~.2ur villE.g~ ~as sim~. Life went by broad-shaft spears, sacrificial strips of meat and sacred herbs, he
on. One season followed an~ther. Though we all lived together as prayed to the ancestral spiri1:S6~am~prinkling the floor with
(;ne family, eacllwll'enad her own li-utwllere she -was he;-~wn mis- iiiie!eyurning incense and TIcking medicine from his fingers after
~ess. The other wives, whom I also called my "mothers", took turns ClIPping them rapidly in a burning clay container. He prayed endless-
" to cpokf~~:ffiYfather. They also took turns to share his mat. At the ly for guidance, for prudence in the gc;>vemment of his household, for
time, I was too young, of coUrse, to understand the complicated struc- wisdom in the conduct of his personal affairs. The result of all that

42
----_.__
tl1!~ of reciproc.Jdirties and carefunYJ?aI~..Ee-d relationsJiipsOfaZulu
... -
is that I am here
.
about to hang for the. rape of; white woman. I can-
._------ -
43
 imagine him wherever he is asking himself, "Gods of my Fathers! headed realist, with his eye on the main chance. In a world growing
Where did I go wrong?" ------- more complex and requirjng new, unheard-of skills, sending one son
- As children, we saw very little of Father. It was often said by those to school was not such a)ad idea. To read and write, to communi-
who knew about these things that at his time of life the old man cate messages over long cistances, that was part of the magic of the
found it more congenial to converse with the ancestral spirits whom whiteman everyone wrsnt~d to acquire.
he was about to join than to hold daily chats with members of his own So ~y f~-the~~whose other cllildren had never learned to read or
family, whose company he now found only irksome and a source of write, finally allowed me to be enrolled at the Lutheran Seminary at
constant irritation. During his last days with us, the old man had be- Mzimba. This also meall!:, of course, consenting to my conversion
come a mere shadow of whose existence we were all dimly aware, but and baptism, for the white missionaries extracted a price for impart-
whose substance it became harder and harder to grasp. Occasionally ing knowledge to the chJdren of the pagan race. Before the new\
we saw him solemn-faced and pinched-mouthed, a polished stick in pupils could be ta~ht, they had also to embrace the new faith. On
hand, crossing the yard to relieve himself. At other times, but very thi~_~hurch was adan:~t. Evel)'.one in the village agreed it ~as
rarely now, he was to be seen presiding over the household affairs in a form of blackmail. Equa lly, everyone agreed, it was a small price to
the cattle enclosure with the firm but benevolent authoritarianism of pay for enabling one child in an entire household to acquire know-
a Zulu headman. As far as I can remember, he had become a remote ledg~ that the white man :done possessed. So this is how temporarily'
figure, but not unloved for all that. I became an unenthusiastic member of the Zulu Lutheran Church.
My mother was different altogether. While the old man repre-
senreCf-aITlliat was -conservafive-a-noliiiyie1ffinglrnhe-Zulu temp~r,
f\Tonkanyezi was arestless and adventurous spirit, shrewd and ~ner­
getic~nerc~~~_~~rriiiried that IshouJd maKe something of my life far
beyond what :W:;l~ ~~~<?E~~~?raZull!-boy:Towardihis~~~r~th in-
finite patience and cunning, she contrived to send me to schooL At
first my father opposed the m"'(;"ve, but being the favourite wife she
~.ound a way around his objections. ~he~.p?~e_glowingl}) Ee~~a§ive­
riy~of ~e oppor~ties ope~~p_f~£.E.lack p_eop!~-'!!!hJeamj!1~
She conjured uE..y.~~.~_ e:mpi:.~s~.~~~_~?x:~re~. with nothing more_
powerful than a pen and tutored min,d. Respect, a life of ease and in-
"11uen~~ ~;;~-the likeTypa~s. ~d man snorted. Such prospects,
as he well knew, were becoming the main lure of the city and the
motivating force for the young men to leave their fathers' hearths
in search of fame and fortune. What was wrong with tilling the land
~ax:!ir_~j~g cattl~ for bec:f,aad h;i}}-ing-to maintain the cohesion ofthe
)1otp~ll.~ity_tE:a.!~~~alreadY-;~~~ely threatened by outside forces?
- --
However, like all traditionalists, my father, I suspect, was also a hard-

45
44
 "This is in preparation for disposing of your body to the whitsUnlS'::'"
~ionaries who will fill your head with alLmllnner of ideas .. some 0
9 ~em lies against ym;;'~wn people. I never did hear of anything good
that came out of the missionary schools. I have seen the sort of pe_o-
9 n the light of my present predicament I am speaking of my trial pIe they bring out, !lot black, nqt wh!te~.g!!.t~~~ aI!.,<L~g1:§.~~.2".lo.£k
and convictiQl1 for the very serious crime of raping a white woman, d()wn on and despise their own peo~ With my own eyes I have seen
an allegation rlll!t, at the risk of repeating myself endlesslYt I wish to them in the government offices at M~. Young people who talk to
deny with all the force at !flY c~mmand - there is perhaps one anec- you out of the corner of their mouths while they smoke and blo
dote worthy of mention in connection with my boyhood at Mzimba. smoke in your face. 'I.~Y.!!lls is le;rning. Some, I'm told, even g
It concerns the ~vic-=-, indeed more than advice, a warning, that my abroa<!.~d marry white women. How can that be? Our ways are no
§.ther uttered to me on the e~ of my enrollment at the Lutheran the _~_~J::~ of white people. Th!i~_s"p~e~~hj:s..!!£! 0l!!s!:
Seminary. Oddly enough, this advice preceded a very curious incident For the first time he turned to me and scrutinised my face. "Your.
with a white family in the white town at Mzimba, which left a deep mother says she wants you to drink of the wisdom of the white man. )
impression on my young and unformed mind. Did our people not have any wisdom of their own before the white 1
The incident was nothing in itself, but the behaviour of the white men came?" That morning, standing on the crest of Ophathe Hill and
gj.d, one of the two daughters who accompanied their parents, and the gazing down at the narrow gorge between two hills and beyond at the
attitude of the Zulu onlookers who witnessed it, soon ~. to the land where so much blood had already been spilled and, no doubt,
incident the quality of an "encounter"! an event that was to acquire more would yet be spilled, a land whose serenity under a clear blue
for me the .!Lura ofsyrnboli c meaning. I felt this even more so in the sky seemed to deny that histo!y', I was moved by an obscure emo-
light of the words spoken by my father for the first time the day be- tion that was tinged with fear. In my father's trembling ~oice, full of
.fore the trip to Mzimba. "Never lust after a white woman, my child," apprehension and foreboding, seemed to speak the tongue of an or-
'@:e old man had pronounced, surveying an old battlefield from the acle. At Mzimba, the words came back to me, confused and without
knoll of a hill where the Boer army was once trapped by a Zulu force clear meaning, but thrilling with their damning message.
through the cunning of one of Dingane's intelligence officers. "}Vith There, amidst the hustle and bustle of excited buyers and sellers,
.!:er painted 1!E.~.!.nd-!oft, shinin.g skin, a white woman is a bait put amidst the manic shrieks and squeals of women feverishly helping
th~e to destr?r~~~...:. Our ways are not the ways of white people, themselves to household goods that had just been brought in from
~eir speech is not ours. White people are. ~~!!!£.oth as eels, but they the big city of Durban, the fresh young maidens and their solicitous
devour us like sharks." suitors snatching greedily at trinkets and all manner of baubles; the
I did not say anything to this. I had no idea why my father had cho- noisy crowd constantly streaming in and out of the shop like tooth-
sen to speak in this manner. At the time, it did not occur to me that paste out of a tube; in the middle of this shoving and shouting, having
temptation in the form of a white woman would ever come my way. made our purchases from the old Indian merchant, Ahmed Saloojee,
But my father seemed to be more troubled than I had ever seen him of all that I would require for my new career as a pupil of the Luther-
before. "Tomorrow your mother is to take you to the shops at the an Seminary: the clothes, the lined exercise books, the bright English-
white town of Mzimba," my father said, not looking directly at me. and Zulu-language primers, with their gaudy illustrations on every

46 47
 page, which I wasted no time in poring over; having bought all this _men. Knew what he c~ do with it. After all, as far as he was C6Jl-
and many household goods, which was nearly always the object of a cerned, we were just a rabble, w:hl<;h.he n~cl~y to lift his arm to .
trip to Mzimba, and having completed our purchases, my mother and cal.!!';~_to part. For.-a.iew sec~s, with that instant shock of ~~oIi;;i
I gathered our goods together and started to walk out of the store who has seen a dangerous namba too late to run or extricate himself
through the pressing, sweating crowds. from danger, I was able to 12QkYeI'J[ closely int~ the white man's eyes
We had hardly reached the top of the veranda when there was a before he sh~ed us Q~!!trself and the pressing crowd together, like
sudden commotion: someone shouting the single word "Abelungu!"- so l!!anif.ti.ghten.S!_d._b~ ~-;Sable to catch a glimpse not Only of
white people! as if a dire warning. Standing on the top steps, I saw the face, the dull sandy hail, the pencil shade of a growth of beard on
for the first time the small comic detachment of a middle-aged white his chin, the thin, almost lipless, mouth. In that fleeting moment I
man, his wife and two daughters, all of whom had just alighted from was also able to register the man's fe_a~es before !..end the rest of the
a dilapidated Ford car, climbing up the steps of the store veranda in crowd fell back in a panic.
single file, the man walking slightly in front, his wife and two daugh- As lsaid, I~ able to l~ok into.~e white.~:s ~...?r ~~e soli-
ters a fraction behind, the man sweating a little from the effort in his tary ~~ment 0(:t6solute p§!9 Never had I seen eyes like that be-
all-too-constricting gabardine suit that was bleached white from over- fore. Gray and dully·impassive, without any light or radiance in them,
use and the white straw hat sitting at an angle, his wife looking even they~eemed to have no pupils and no centre; theywere-rnce two flat
hotter and more flushed in her pink-and-white floral dress stained buttons in a doll's face. When the white man mQvedJll~m... they seemed
with wet circles under the armpits; but the girls behind them, espe- to change shape again. Now the0.~9ked like mru:hl~, he simply gazed
cially the elder one, looked as cool as cucumbers in their white-and- through you with those opaque marbles that resembled the eyes of a
orange dresses, their hands smooth and delicately gloved, moving blind man. The skin beneath the eyes was sallow and slightly pitted
easily behind with the grace of young animals. They carne up the as though the man had suffered appallingly from a skin disease. All
scuffed wooden staircase in slow, unconfident steps, smiling a little these details took only a s(;cond or two to opserve before I stepped
self-consciously at the silent gazing crowd of Zulu onlookers, the back, as I said, in panic, stumbling as I did so while the man motioned
girls as cool as the morning in their fresh and crisp linen. When they us back, demanding the right of way. He must have spoken then. He
came to the top of the steps they paused for a moment to allow the must have said something or other, because I saw his lips moving but
crowd to part. My mother was walking slightly ahead when the crowd ~ not understand the l!,~ge. Frightened and now a little des-
began to push back in deference to the white man. At the same time, perate with anxiety, I backed away hurriedly, stumbling and falling
it began to split at two right angles, one section of the crowd sweep- and getting up again only to find my way blocked by that infernal
ing me off with it so that for a second my mother and I were sepa- crowd of pushing, noisy thrill-seekers. The way of escape always came
rated. But very soon, their curiosity still unslaked, the people behind to an end where there was nothing but a solid wall of impassable
me started to heave forward like one mighty river, so that once again human flesh. Once againl.~_~_b~igg-Eushed forw!!;td, and this time,
I was irresistibly carried forward on the crest of a new wave, until I stumbling forward, I~~~!! ~<:!=~_?!l ~L~~~s like a man
found myself right up, first against the white man, who looked a little genuflecting in prayer. in_kont of the two white .Kirls, who were still
surprised at the stir he and his family were causing. But not entirely corning up behind their mother and father. For a moment, I was down
surprised, I guess, since he also Jg1ew his power, the power of all whi.te on my knees, sweating an.] breathing like a steam engine before I

48 49
 scrambled quickly back to my feet in order not to oblige the two were an impulsive movement toward an apology for her family's in
girls to have to step over or around me. And now came the first sur- trusion into what was after all the shopping emporium for us, the
prise. One of the girls, the elder of the two, who was coming up a few black dispossessed and the eternally humiliated. I have really no idea
steps behind her mother, paused at the very moment when she was what she said. Likeher father who now waited impatiently for her
almost on top of me. Glancing around her, she seemed to hesitate
while I crouched nervously before her; but there was no sign of anxi-
to join them, the~-~hoselaii~geI~g_~f~~~~_~~~~IY}~_~~_?~<!~!:= __
stoo(:{tlie girl spoke a language that was meaningless ~~~e exc~£t
ety in her own face. She was nonchalantly twirling a bonnet in one wnat the eyes and the pressure of h~!:...!!~~~2.n~t?yt?_d. Her eyes seemed
hand. Was it a calculated gesture? I cannot tell. Was it a momentary to filrihe space betwe~~ us with a flashing blue radiance that echoed
feeling of dread in the middle of a black crowd? I do not know. For in my blood with the sound of anarchy and the dimmest recognition
an indefinable moment, and those moments can be like an eternity, of the momentous gestl,!.I:~Qf~ympE.Jhy one human 1;>ei-!!gQ!n feetfur
the girl gazed down at me, her blue eyes pools of wonder and specu- another, a kind of benediction that transforms the moment of~con-
--------------...... . .. -'.'-'--'. -
lation, almost like the startled expression of a person recognising tact -into one of revelation.
someone she knew or remembered vaguely. Her face was framed by From the Zulus came the low murmur of discontent like the h'qn~
a wild mane of flaxen blonde hair so soft and thin it looked like the of ~s, a kind of whispered curse, an intake of breath accompanied
wispy strands on ripening corn. The girl smiled what was not really by fear and horror at the touch of white skin ~p_onJ?la<:~~~n. How-
a smile, but a simple twitch of the lip~:'-th~before I could step back ever, even before ;'eliadh-~d-tim:e-t"O digesrand assimilate the mean-
c;mo-my feet she put out her gloved hand as if to raise me up from ing of the drama, the girl, her parents and her sister had all resumed
the unbearable indignity of my prost!:=j~il.- ~!~-~~Jll~~_~~as slim their slow procession into the Indian store.
and firm and i~:~el~hite, was so c~~e to _~~_~__ -=()~JA_?_meIUt. I had no wish to wait to see them emerge from the shop. For a sec-
Then she did something so unexpectedly curious and inexplicable ond I stood upon the steps in stunned incomprehension, hugging my
that to this day I can find no explanation for it. In order to offer me
ar':ll w~e~~t_e_g!ct,h~4_J>!~~~iJ!.er hand~J:hQlJ_gh_Lha~e­
her hand, to restore my balance as it seemed, the girl pulled off her vel ope -: stigm,Jt, ~n.:0thing2...no prayer, no memory eraser, certamly
white glove so that it was a small naked hand she placed on my bare not my father's warming, could finally remove, and I ran down the
arm. A ~~~~~t of wordless panic like ;~;Jd~-sci~~~--C;-{theh-;a~t remainder of the steps to join my mother where she waited in the court-
~took me.':Ctried to move backWard but without much success yard of the shop.
andI f~itilie -hand, soft yet strong in its grasp, lift me to my feet, and Mter my death, many people reading this memoir will conside~
whether from the glove or her own person I shall never know, came this a not very significant episode and will be inclined to see it as the
a strange, powerful fragrance I had never smel!S-Q.efo~, a scent product of the rambling mind of a gallows bird, which will add very
stronger th;;n the perfume o(a"i-ose~et shaq:le;'-than the bouquet of little that might help to illumine the nature of the predicament into
the freshest blossoms I have ever smelled. I looked up into her face. which I ultimately fell, yet I cannot help but feel that~~­
The girl who was neither ugly nor prettY, but whose face was some- thing in that first encounter with the white girl that marked me for
thing strange, unexpected, and luminous, was smiling down at me ~rucwoUrlcl so permanently opened that when it came to
with the gentlest of expressions. telling my story to Doctor Emile Dufre, I was reluctant to narrate
She must have spoken then some words of comfort, words that the events relating to this incident. Why did I withhold what was, on

50 51
the surface, a not very remarkable occurrence? Again and again Dufre
asked me to relate to him the very first time that I saw a white woman,
and again and again I could only repeat, "At the Lutheran Seminary. 10
One of my masters' wives." And though I could recall the incident
with exact details, I said nothing about the white girl at the Mzimba 5ll few months before my last year at the Lutheran Sel~"l1nary, ~
shopping centre. I suppressed the incident altogether. Why? I sug- mours began to travel from the white town ofMzimba that the whole
gest that an answer to that question would open for Emile Dufre new village of Manzimhlophe was to be moved to an area fifty'ITlJes"ln-.'
and interesting areas for investigation. land to make way for a new white settlement. At first, people did not"
believe what they heard. After all, these were Zulu ancestral lands
where generations upon generations had buried their dead, and the
blood of Zulu warriors, long before their final conquest by the white
men, had mingled with the red soil of the valleys and the Zulu plains.
But when the Bantu commissioner, a tall, thin man with a long, hawk-
like nose dividing a pair of gTeen eyes, arrived from Eshowe, bearing
papers signed with indelible government ink, there was no longer
any doubt as to the serioumess of the situation. Without plans and
without organization, a few reckless people sE,oke of the need to r~­
sis!, of the need_to fight back if necessary, but there was little time
tounite our people into a strong resistance force.
The day the soldiers carne to the village with bulldozers~people
we~e standing around in little knots, watching with disbelief as their
huts and cattle enclosures were quickly razed" to the grouna,the little
they own~d being loaded on military trucks. Some of the soldiers were
not content to leave it at tb.at. In a show of force that was entirely
unprovoked, they went abollt breaking up clusters of individuals who
silently watched the remor!,eless destruction of their ~cien~_village;
~who murmured comli:ra:mts were quTckly-be;rte;; up or a~;;~d
for obstruction; a few~ were slapp-~d,-andit-·;;7IiOtTong before
the people were f~cedto;catter at the sound of shots being fired re-
peatedly above their heads in an obvious attempt to frighten them.
My father had moved the I~ntire family to my maternal uncle's vil-
lage twenty miles away from Mzimba in order to avoid attempts to
corral us with the rest of the people who were to be dumped into a
government-protected vilhge, but all my relatives, old and young,

52 53
 had returned to watch the soldiers armed with rifles lay devastation
to the mud huts and the cattle kraals.
Two weeks later, when my father died suddenly without any warn- 11
ing' my mother in her bitter lamentations claimed that grief and de-
spair, not old age, ~~<!~J!~. The death also si~-;J~;rthe final CZJ)hen I had finished telling Dufre about Mzimba, speaking, as r
split-up of the family, with some traveling further inland, others like normally did, very rapidly and somewhat disjointedly, I could te1r
my mother deciding to try their fortunes in the big city of Durban. that despite his heroic show of cheerful satisfaction he was somewhat
It was as if the thread that had held us together like a bunch of straw disappointed with the narrative, especially its lack of relevance to
had simply-oeen-unravelectAt a stroke, everything-teU aparr:--- the specific area of his investigation, its lack of graphic detaiL I had
noticed that throughout the interview he had given the impression
of an inquirer who craved for a particularly damaging piece of in-
formation and what he had received was simply a bland relating of
not very interesting facts. The disappointment showed on the doc-
tor's aging face, which looked more tired than ever. Sorrow, rriistra=
cion were on it, the look of a thwarted animal like a hungry mongrel
who has been prevented from fastening his fangs on a juicy bone.
This led me to the sad conclusion about Dufre: the impression I
have begun to form of the Swiss doctor is of a person who, despite
many periodic expressions of sympathy for me personally, has not
entirely given up the notion that yes, ~am guilty, that somehow L
must be a highly: dang~rous sex tpaniac to h"aVebeen apprehended and
convicted. In this respect he is no different from every white person
~asbed by government and :r..q!ice prQ~ganda, by the sen-
sationalistic and highly embellished portrayals in the newspapers,~
li~ves I am a compulsive rapist w~.?s.:~e~~~~oun~.,~~~lL~~!~.<:~__~n
innocent white women. I regret this very much, that Dufre with whom
I have formed a strong bond is no different from the others. "When he
. saw Veronica Slater in the .witness box, he saw a seductive woman, no
doubt, a dazzlingly pretty one, certainly, but a young woman who did
not deserve such a cruel fate. That is what Dufre thought. He did not
question the facts of the case, only the form of punishment. ~e
thinks that the punishment may be extreme, of course, but the crime
was also, undeniably, ~rutaL HiSsOIlcitous-rnanner toward me-does
not fool me.

54 55
 Of course, given the nature of all the allegations against me, given is impressed only by the general tedium of growing up, by the neces-
the constant attempts to smear and discredit me in court, and given, sity of following rules and~egulations that for the most part seem
finally, the conviction and the sentence, all of which created the im- to have neither rhyme nor reason, but, for all that, rules and regula-
pression of an impartial assessment of guilt, Dufre's attitude may seem tions that are invariably imposed with unrelenting severity by adults.
more than justified. But is it really? Why believe the word Q[ the In my own case, these rules had not caused much undue suffering, it
girl::igainst mine, for example? Except for the whiteness of her skin, is true. Yet it is a peculiar admission to make that at the time I had not
what particular claim to virtue can this girlb~-~~pp;~ed to have? In- even wanted this happy childhood or any other childhood for that
deed, Dufn!'s willingness to believe my accusers more than he feels matter. I had simply wante:l to be grown-up, to be a mature indi-
inclined to accept my own word in self-defence smacks of prejudice, vidual, possessing unli~(LQ.1mgl"_tunities for shaping my own life
to say the very least. In consequence, I feel toward him a certain and destiny, according to my own efforts and posSIbTIIties. In thIS
amount of reserve. object I might have fai[edi~;-theend;Dut even the failures I wanted
There. The truth is out. I cannot help it. To the criminologist, to to be my own. Among the failures I include the English girl, natu-
Emile Dufre and the rest of his brotherhood, I feel I am nothing mor~ rally. She, too, was a mistak,! and yet I can say that mistake was truly
~a!1:. ~_~pe~i!ll~ll:_~! a socially malfunctioning individual whose name mine. After all, it was~ I who ,:hose to run after th~rl: out of my own
r..m.Ry:y~t figure in the growing annals of sexual crimes: Of my actual inclination, with no other p.lrpose in mind than to discover the sex-
tp~rs~~~l~o/~.~f I!!y'!gots and.!he m~Amng of m.y~ of the ~~e ual reasons for the white man's singular protectiveness toward-hIs
an. d com_p~~~_~~ti~ns that the. ~.C::!".~~~E_~.COIt~.~t:ion._c:!f the landsc~p. e womenfolk, I gradually conceived the idea of attaining knowledge of

tormy childhood is still capable of evoking, Dufre is woefully igno-

~. An(ry~t!A;;dy~t ~;ery day'no~klorwarcrto ills visits. The need
'to make wild and inexcusable confessions to someone with nothing
better to do than listen has become stronger with eacli passing day
some wIllmg white woman. / /
At first this idea was no more than a vague intention, but later it
acquired the fatal attractiveness of an ungovernable passion. When
the English girl finally appeared out of nowhere, bearing her wealth
as we move inexorably toward the day of execution. DUfre, I have of sexual plenitude and very little else, if! may say so, she seemed to
found, is a good listener. Mter the brief interlude in which both of have been put in my path in order to answer a great and overwhelm-
us give ourselves to a moment of silent reflection, I conclude the I~ed. From that day oLward, until our hasty copulation in the
recollections of my childhood, a time of my life that has begun to -oungalow, I followed her everywhere. I watched her constaritly. When-
~eem, even to me, unreal, fantastical, partaking only of a false sunlit ever the opportunity presented itself, I haunted her path. At night,
glow of legend. "It was, all the same, the happiest time of my life," I in my base and intolerable lust, I dreamed of her, and in my dreams
tell Dufre. I touched her soft skin and smooth hair. (In reality, as I was later to
"I'm sure it was," DUfre says sympathetically. "But can you say why find out, the skin was neither so soft nor the hair so smooth as I had
this was such a particularly happy time for you?" at first imagined.) All the same, the girl became a kind of sickness for
"I'm not sure I can explain it, Doctor Dufre." It occurs to me that me. Was it probable that someone like DUfre, with his immense skill
at the time I was growing up I did not consider myself particularly and powers of analysis, could succeed in uncovering something in
happy. Perhap·s-a· chIldooes not vatue-clllfdIiOocrve-ry--greiay.Atthe my background that would provide a clue to my behaviour, some-
iiilleTwas groWing-up Tceri:iirily dia-not value mme. Perhap-; a child thing that could endow witb. meaning my choice of this girl or the

56 57
 passion that with each glimpse of her shadowy form I conceived for "I'm sorry, doctor, but as a famous French poet once put it, 'To
her; some defect of personality, perhaps, some mental distortion that be born is to have commenced to die. '"
would indicate the culmination of a particular history of mental aber- "The words of a useless French poet!" Dufre explodes. "I'm sur-
ration and sexual disorder? As an educated man, I know this is the prised that someone in your place should've spent so much time read-
object of Dufres inquiry: to find a clue, to acquire the missing link. A.5 ing the works of a decadent French poet like Gautier. Let me tell you
though to confirm this, Dufre suddenly leans forward and addresses something, my friend. These sentiments you repeat to me with so
me with startling intensity: "You see, Mr Sibiya, in our experience we much confidence were uttered by a European poet whose race had
have found that many people who commit crimes of this nature are already begun its journey toward death and dissolution. Happily, your
the product of a defective and unhappy childhood." civilization is only at its brightest morning. It is a flower, a pure flame,
"My childhood was not defective, Doctor Dufre." which burns the strongest for not having been clouded by so much
"In every respect? How can you be sure?" murder and perversion as we have seen in Europe!" (Dada Amin
"My childhood was quite normal by any standards." would have. enjoyed that!) "Our civilization is at the very beginning
For the first time since we began our conversation this morning, of a long.and cheerful struggle that must be waged with vigour and
Dufre looks irritated, the comers of his mouth sag unattractively, intelligence. Of all people, you should be an optimist, Mr Sibiya!"
the twitch on the side of his face becomes more pronounced. He Op'timist? What have I got to be optimistic about? I wanted to
takes off his glasses to give them a brief polish. shout, ''What about my execution!" until I noticed Dufre's eyes gazing
"My friend, if you'll forgive my saying so, truly speaking we can at me with a certain nervous caution and very prudently I decided to
state with a fairly absolute certainty of being right that no childhood avoid alluding to a subject that gives my illustrious visitor so much
is ever quite normal." With a certain crispness in the tone of his voice, pain and discomfort. All the same, I cannot help reflecting sourly th~J
his words also carry the tinge of a rebuke as though the doctor of even in misfortune the EuroQea~ must lay claim to some form of
mental illness has been personally affronted. supe~i~r woe. Once it was against the virtue and intelligence of their
Unreasonably I persist, "I can remember nothing abnormal about genius that we could not compete, now it is the formidable nature of
mine." their spiritual crisis that we cannot easily match. Theirs, it is claimed
"Really?" Dufre interjects, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his with barely concealed satisfaction, is a great struggle, surpassing any-
voice. "Well, try." thing yet known to man, and if they should die of this rapidly wors-
"To what purpose, doctor, when I have only a few days- to live? ening disease, they at least take deep satisfaction in the fact that we
What good will it do me to think about the flaws in my personality can never know the exact dimensions of their anguish. Patronising,
when my execution is all that I need to look forward to?" you might say. All the same, I do not think the good doctor meant to
The allusion to the subject of my imminent execution never ceases be unkind. There is something altogether admirable in the conduct
to embarrass Dufre. At its mention, you can see his brow darken with of this man, so grave, so patient, so calmly persistent.
anxiety and depression, his lips tighten with internal discomfort. "There "That is why," Doctor Dufre quietly confides, "even in your case,
you.go again," Dufre sighs. "Death! Hanging! If you don't mind my Mr Sibiya, faced as you are with imminent annihilation, we must talk
saying so, Mr Sibiya, even granting the nature of your predicament, only of the part you play in the never-ceasing flow of life, not of death."
I find your fascination with death slightly puzzling." This is the kind of eloquence I have never been able to resist. Even
58 59
 though I can tell there is something strangely incongruous, given this lady is concerned. You'll please note, I refrain from applying to
my current predicament, about the reference to the "never-ceasing your conduct the description the prosecution had no difficulty in
flow oflife", appeals of this sort to first principles, to the eternal laws employing to characterise your behaviour. 'Hounded' was the word
of man's existence, of his constant, indeed, uncheckable regeneration, the prosecution used. They said you 'hounded' the poor girl. On the
are sufficiently persuasive to overcome my resistance. beach you placed yourself in such a manner as to obtain the maxi-
All the same, sometimes I experience a momentary doubt; but Dufre mum view of her sunbathing. In the end you endeavoured to get as
remains impregnable in his faith in what we Africans would yet be- near her body as decency, to say nothing of your peculiar race laws,
come. This patience, this dogged singlemindedness, I know,. built would permit. And now you wish me to believe that your fatal handi-
whole civilizations and mighty empires, but to be the object of its cap is unusual shyness? Really, Mr Sibiya, I do not wish to sound un-
.. ~~------;-'''--~-~..----':'''''
passIOn, I confess, can only reduce the victim to a state of extreme duly sceptical!"
fatigue. I know what Dufre is do_ng. He is trying to provoke me into los-
Nevertheless, there is something wholly admirable about Dufre's ing my temper. At such an lmguarded moment I might be moved to
manner, always grave, patient, and courteous, his sad owlish eyes making rash disclosures. All the same, knowing this does not make
flashing behind the rimless glasses, the soft-fleshed mouth and hol- me any more immune to anger at this sudden crude attack than know-
low cheekbones suggesting an aborted sensuality that has yielded to ing the symptoms of a disease can prevent one from suffering its ef-
a thoughtful contemplation of life. fects.
Dufre presents a picture of quiet tenacity coupled with obdurate "All right! All right!" I SlY to him impatiently. "Only it wasn't at
intelligence. He will not easily give up the purpose ~ mission, all like that! In court, I tried to explain how it happened but no one
which, as he has frequently indicated to me, is !2.~~!E.Pile th~_fu!lpor­ would believe me. How many times must I tell you the girl invited
trait of an "African rapist", whose exploits have captured the imagi- sexual attention? Don't you believe me when I say whatever else hap-
nation of the enure '~ed world". He is the perfect scholar, tireless _pened, that girl wanted it to happen? Right from the beginning I
in his pursuit of "facts", rigorous in the sifting and testing of hypo the- could tell she wanted it as much as I did. Though neither of us spoke,
ses. each meeting atthebeacntcioFOrltliefunn of a renoezvous. She waIt-
"Look, Doctor Dufre," I say to him. "I appreciate what you're try- ed for my arrival each day a~: keenly as I looked forWard to hers. It was
ing to do. It's even remotely possible that a case like mine will enrich in-her eyes, it was all over her face. A pact is what we had entered
. the rapidly growing science of human behaviour. Only you must be- into, a silent conspiracy. Even on the day of the incident, although she
lieve me when I say I'm not accustomed to talking so much about could see me hanging about her front yard, she still left the door of
myself. As a rule, I'm rather a shy person." the bungalow open! And what of the stripping, eh, doctor? ~~o
"You? Shy?" Dufre smiles disbelievingly. "Please, Mr Sibiya, I hope you explain the striptease ac:t? Right there before me, with the front
you'll allow me to lodge a minor objection to your formulation. Your dc>or wide open, removing every bit of clothing until she was stand-
past behaviour does not in any way accord with that of a shy and re- ing in full view with nothin g but bare powder on her back! Can you
tiring personality. Consider the facts for a moment as they emerged explain that?"
from your trial. For weeks, for months, you place yourself in every Dufre smiles as he alway:: does, sympathetically with grave respect
location where she is sure to pass. No risk is too great for you where for my viewpoint, but it is obvious",he does not believe Il!e. "\Vhat

60 61
 about the time you followed her to a concert at the Durban City aware that somewhere outside that house, silent, petrified but en-
Hall? For days you had been lying in wait for her outside her bun- thralled, a slave to habit, I was watching her, that somewhere behind
galow, watching her comings and goings at all hours of the day and that fence I was holding vigil. Each time she turned toward that win-
night! Another time you followed her to the door of a private house dow, s?e would pause for a second with her naked body in full view
where a party was in progress. Although this was a white area prac- and give the sketchiest impression of a smile. It was as if she could
tically out of bounds to natives, you had no hesitation in following not live another day without the sustaining need th;t~e was a 'na-
her to this house where you then climbed a fence, which enabled you tive' somewhere who desi~~(rher to distracti-on - or shall we say to
to observe what admittedly struck you as very strange goings-on?" destruction! - a black ma~~-~_i?~_i!.l:pos~!bl;ilieam of gaining pos-
Pausing to examine my face in obvious satisfaction, Dufre beams session of her was prepared to throw his life away in a stupid wager
a smile at me. "Well? Is what you did the behaviour of a normal na- against the state, agamsr;tl;l~~ts~F;:i~'my lust fo;h~r, Veronica
tive male in a country where the race laws are as strict as in your must haverec'o-gnise-d--ilie force of her own social existence, the image
own?" As usual, Dufre gives the impression of an investigator who of her own sexual powers; in the ability to arouse the inextinguish-
suspects there is more to the story than what he is told. He taps his able desire in others, she must have obtainedCOrifirmation of1leiOWn
pad musingly with a pen. He hums a tune. His manner has also sub- immense and undeniable necessity in our small corrupted universe.
tly changed as though he feels that he has finally driven me into a Seen ill that light, both the girl and I wereJlooked:We were both ob-
tight corner. sesse. d with the other's unadmitted presence. To her, I dare say, I wasl
(J-.--'-.
~!.. admit there was an element of obsession in my behaviour," I fi- as much of a drug as she was to me, the ultimate mirror in which '..\/'
nallyexplode. "I confessed it in court, I never denied it, but what no she saw reflectedthe po;~her._~~~~h~[ ..[!l'£~." .- -
one is ready to admit, apparently, is that Veronica's behaviour, too, "Bravo!" Dufre applauded, clapping his hands, his sallow face ra-
was very odd, to say the very least." Dufre smiles faintly at my use of diant with delight. "I had no idea how penetrating your mind could
the girl's first name, but I ignore the obvious implication of his smile. be. Given a chance, you would make an excellent analyst of sexual
"Really you must believe me, doctor, when I say even the times motivation." But these explosions of mirth in Dufre, of unexpected
when I followed_.?e_!"-..tQ__p.uh1ic._pJ.ac~~.h(!__~~_~_YJ~ry.~e.of it; humour and lightness of touch, are few and far between. Most of the
I might even say it was with her encour~ement I did so. I know no time Dufre leans back in his chair, his face gravely serene behind his
one~T1nielieveli:~-1:iut when I did foll~w-h:~r I had"~'~the faintest flashing rimless glasses, the crown of his domelike head as smooth as
doubt that she recognised me from our silent meetings on the beach. a baby's bottom. He listens intently without ceasing to doodle on the
On several occasions when I came across her, I had the curious im- open notebook placed on his lap. Dufre's eyes are always sleepy but
pression that she even smiled in recognition. watchful, alert. Despite the impression of somnolence, his tired face
"I can't very well explain it. Even during that party scene, when also possesses an expression of avid curiosity, mocking and sceptical
the whole group of them, from what perverted motive I cannot say, yet frankly expectant, as though he hopes to hear more damaging reve-
seemed to have deliberately left the curtains open for any passerby lations. This complacency always makes me furious. Nothing is more
to obtain a fleeting view of what was surely an orgy in progress, I offensive to me than the distant objectivity in a social scientist who
had a distinct feeling that each time her face cut across my view, that is more concerned with proving hypotheses than with discovering the
whenever I caught a glimpse of her embracing a man, that she was true character of one man's passion for another human being.

62 63
 "I see. You don't believe me?" I say angrily.
"The Court did not believe you!" Dufre counters.
Outside my cell door I can hear African prisoners singing freedom 12
songs in loud defiant voices: "Indod' emnyama, u-Vorster!", "Thina
Sizwe!" Dufre, too, is listening. Suddenly, while both of us listen, C]J)hile we were listening to this uproar, there was a sudden jan":
we can hear feet running, the sounds of slaps and swearing. There is a gling of keys at my cell donr. The heavy iron bolt was moved to one'
loud crash against the door of my cell and a voice is heard pleading side, and very slowly the IT.assive steel door creaked on its hinges as
yet defiant at the same time, an African voice: "My kroon, laat ek jou it was pushed back. Before anyone could step into the doorway, a flood
vertel!" of white light, so sharp and glaring in its intensity that both Dufr'e
"Voetsek, jou rna se gat!" ~~I had to blink in tneTrrmenslty of its:;hl~ss, poured into the
"Please, baas, my rna hoor my, I didn't do it!" gloomy aell. It was a light that in its harshness brought the hint of
"Bloody liar, I'll make you eat your kaffir shit! You hear?" And the the outside world b~.YQ~~..!~[i~<?.!?:~~, the sharp-edg~
blows! We can hear the hard thump of fists against a defenceless body, houses and trees ;-nd the physical landscape drawn against the over-
the dismal sound of bones crushing against a concrete wall. These whelming blueness of the ~ky. We could smell the outdoors, too, an
beatings go on and on, every day, every week. I try to shut my ears acid, burning, smoky odour of trees and buildings frying under the
against the screams and the thunder of fists and the singing of the mid-October sun, but for all that, the air from outside seemed a whole
sjambok, but it is no good. Qnly when the beatings are over and the lot fresher than the slightly damp musty staleness of the cell. And
bolts in the doors of every cell have been shot home is there the un- the sound. We could hear:rom a distance the constant din ofa city
mistakable sound of voices, first humming in unison, then as though chafing its muscle against the day's industry. \~'
Then, while I briefly contemplated the patch of blue sky thrlrug:~
an ope-; channel were building up into an ocean of so~d.--Voices
a door that was still being pushed open, the tall figure of ColonelA:_
begin singing, singing, singing until the entire block of the enclosed
C. van Rooyen, blurred ~e an unfo9;!se<Lpicture but suggestive of'
prison echoes with the amazing sound of hundreds of prisoners' voices,
the immense bulk of the man, abruptly filled the doorway. ~,:a~_~l
chanting, "The Nation will step on you, Doctor Vorster!" And the
startled by this apparition HS I had often been startled by the suoden
swelling crescendo of "Thwal' umthwalo, sigoduke!" appearanceOfth-e-Engiisli -gI~ro-~cl;e·-b-each:-by-the·-vioient-dlsrU"p=:· .
While these freedom songs are being sung, no one moves, no one
talks, even the wind seems completely still as though the world were
Is
tion of light of wliicli1lleVTllit:e-;IOn c~p~ble, as if it ~~-~'~niy-;uc­
ce~petlrngthe--su:nngi:.t;-~C;t·~~b~-~~bing it; black skin, no doubt,
listening breathlessly to some universal chant of freedom.~se is more absorbent, more dfnse and luxuriant. And yet it was not that
who understand the words are moved to join in until the very prison Van Rooyen was that delicHtely white. M.<:>E~_[(!d.dish bro~, I would
~alIs see~ to shake and vibrate WTthtIie volume of voices united in say. Gra-Ve; powerful ~pd s!lbtlyj~l~~ing, he ho~erecrabove us, cast-
. / _~s_t:~timent _of th~~poken ~emand for IiberiiJ ing a strong hawki~h glanc.:!, first at ili-e--Swiss doctor, then at me.
"Everything going okay, Meneer Dufre?" Dufre attempted to rise.
"Very well, Herr Commander!"
And Van Rooyen, watch.ng the Swiss struggling to his feet, inter-
cepted him.

64 65
 "Please, don't trouble yourself, Doktor." He was in his khaki uni- Van Rooyen looked up. "Something terrible? "What the hell are you
form, which was always starched, as stainless as Sheffield steel. In one talking about, man! Come on, speak up!" Then something I can only
hand he carried a baton with a shiny metal knob with which he kept describe as a kind of illumination flashed across the face of the police
slapping the open palm of one hand. The light behind him made the commandant. "My wife?" he said almost ecstatically. "It is my wife!"
crown of his closely cropped hair bristle like the mane of a lion, but The messenger nodded. The white boy was close to tears. "Shortly
I could see nothing of his face except a blur of white light, the liquid after you left this morning, Mrs Van Rooyen was found in the bath-
gray eyes and the toothbrush moustache carefully trimmed. Glancing room by the kaffermeidjie hanging by the belt of her dressing gown.
in my direction, the man who was the terror of Durban Central Prison The meidjie says she was as naked as the day she was born."
nodded approvingly. There was an awful stillness in the office during which I ma<ie a
"Keep at him, Meneer Dufre. Keep at him. Let him tell you every- desperate effort to efface my presence as far as that was possible. In' .
thing. You wi11,~e s~!:prise9 'Yh~~ kind.. of stories some of these boys the shock of this communication, the white man had forgotten abo-W:-
ca~,~=,~IJ~?_u.'~ He looked rather benevol~"D.cly':it me~-rtholight,then me. Or perhaps It was true what~yeIT::M!~~~~~'~iI~;'~s:that white'
half-jokingly suggested, "And if a glass of brandy will facilitate his people never regar'cr the'blaaG'-~~' human beings ;i'ili ey;;sancfears,
memory, Meneer Dufre, I'm prepared to overlook prison regula- but morelilceflieson tfi-e"walrS:-Itwas then, unberrevingIy, I heard
tions and have a bottle sent down to you." Van R-o'oyenoiirsf'into laughter. "':hat skellum whor has gone and
I thought for a while with a sudden, unreasoning alarm that Dufre done it at last!" he cried, half sobbed, half crowe, is monumental
would spurn the offer, but after a quick imploring glance at the visi- hand grasping at the top of the chair. "Done it!" he cried again. "God-
tor's perspiring face, now faintly lit by an appreciative grin, I knew dammit, Maurie! 1]lls calls for a celebration, man!"
he would not be so foolish. The psychologist must have seen the des- I was astounded. Was it a white man's joke? I saw the messenger
perate prayer in my face. He was quick to accept. "Yes, perhaps, that is hesitate while Van RoO-yen produced a flask and two glasses. Into each
very kind of you, Commandant. Perhaps a little of something might glass he poured two fingers of brandy, handing one to the bewildered
help to ease the strain." young man. "Kom, kom, Maurie," his face flushed with excitement,
"Very well," Van Rooyen nodded. "I'll give instructions. A nip of Van R 0 en ur ed the young man to take a drink. "To my wife, Katie,
brandy and two glasses. Okay, Sibiya?" He made a rather grim at- the iggest whor ho ever walked the face of the earth. May she rot
tempt at a smile, but as usual the result was disconcerting. in he. e lifted his glass but he never drank it. Instead, he sudden-
"Thank you, Big Baas!" ly collapsed and he wept like a baby. I left as quietly as possible while
Since my arrival at Durban Central Prison I had never seen the the other man threw his arm around the prison commander, trying to
prison Commandant smile; once I had heard him laugh, if you could comfort him. As I say, that was the first time I had heard Van Rooyen
call a high-pitched, mirthless hyena screech a laugh. At the time I had laugh, or cry, for that matter.
been detailed to scrub and polish his spartan office in the left wing of Before turning to go, Van Rooyen turned to the Zurich doctor
the prison. While trying to proceed with my task in which I was con- and said rather gently, "He's a good boy, Sibiya. I'm sure he'll coop-
siderably hampered by the man's constant pacing up and down the erate fully with you, Doctor Dufre." Then, thinking it rather strange
floor, a pale-faced messenger burst into the office. "Commandant!" that he should pay such a compliment to one condemned to die, he
he blurted out. "Yes. "What is it, Maurie?" Van Rooyen growled. "I quickly added, "It's a pity he developed a taste for white women, other-
fear something terrible has happened!" wise he wouldn't be waiting to hang now, eh, Sibiya?"

66 67
 "Ja, Meneer," I said. After all, it was the truth. '!'!t:e English girl a warning to white ladies, s:Jme of whom, he regretted to say, were in
~u~~_<?~~. When the cell door had been bolted once the habit of displaying thense1ves in the most provocative manner in
more, and Dufr6 and I were left to ponder for a minute the motive front of black servants. It was time everyone reco~d, Van Rooyen

._---
for the commandant's visit, I realised with a certain amount of em-
barrassment that. -I had indeed become ......... _.. _-
wretched, miserable man Van Rooyen, wnose work promised no es-
~aiJf~-_2r~1J~cur1tY,-;hose~fe·had~:aZc'ordingt~ore
the..-.• -prized
~-. ..
P9()91s:.....2i..tbJs
said, that we were her~ de lling ~-;t~th ~al tp..s:E-~tl~<:t.".~~~E.~~
who were little ab~;;;~iti:als. - - - - - -

than one newspaper, a"failed concert singer, inclined to the bottle,

with a suggestion of worse weaknesses of character. No doubt, he was
a sour man, even a cruel man, but since foreign journalists and in-
ternational observers had begun descending like vultures on Durban
Central on account of my celebrated case, and Van Rooyen's pic-
tures and interviews had begun appearing in the newspapers with
astonishing regularity, his attitude toward me had subtly changed.
During these interviews, in which he even managed to say some
kind things about me, Van Rooyen was given to making lengthy state-
ments about the problems of law and'o~der in-South A.:fri~;'He ex-
~g51~d.Q!!_ th~-poIi~_·c_a_l_cl_im---=-a.te, especially the unthinking hostility
of the international community, in which dedicated men like him-
- self were obliged to function. He mentioned the soaring crim~e
_ "!tJlome, especially crimes of sexuafVi:Oleiice;nepornt~d~e out as a
tragic example of what white liberal education can do to sImple, good-
natur~Q natives, stimUfa:iing as it was ·surely bound to do, not on1y~
love of a westernstYle of living but also an unbridled desire for white
~en. I saw one of these interviews in a yellowing copyOfth;15airy
iv:!ws in which my captor concluded by observing that the natives, l~ft
to their tribal environment, were all right, their morals were even
superior to those of some whites" but giyet.?:.a smattering of educatign,
they became spoiled and thought of themselves as equals of white
men. HecoiiCIuded by citing as an ~xa~ple the rapid increase-of in-
"ci'dents of assault on white women. This, Van Rooyen said, was the
necessary and tragic consequence of the ill-conceived projects of so-
cial ~pliftment, which white liberals fondly hope(fWoui2Cttan~form
- the nativ~smto something like-;'hite meJi:Be summe-a-=-tiPby1ssuing
-- ---~-'-

68 69
 clerks you see at the govern,Elent office! A real devil N di is going to be
with a@you wait and see!" Coquettish, in her headgear embroidered
13 with beads, she put her arm around me, drawing me into the warmth
of her hot, clammy armpit and inclining her head a little she laughed, curl-
CZJ an Rooyen was apparently not th~C?~ly. o!le to ~~li.<:!Y~_in.. the cQr- ing her tongue inside her mouth like a snake. Such fine teeth she had,
rn.Pt:ingpc:>.,,!,er ot~'Vs..~!.ern edygatiqfl.M~KMi'i~!~, especially in the and the eyes, dark and sparkling, added to the mystery of her allure.
countryside, hel~_~~milar ~~~r fa~~~!.io.!_e.~~l!lpl~. Against this 1 felt ashamed at her obvious foolishness, but 1 was also dazzled and
general background of distrust and fatalistic disapproval, my mothe~'s pleased by her beauty, and when 1 thought of the school 1 was about
untestedlaith makes her stand out as sometlliilg of an insEired radical to enter, 1 felt a little humbled by the immensity of the undertaking.
and innovator. -~ --~-.
What would 1 do with all that school learning? Be a teacher, a doctor,
-'---'-'--
1 remember her good spirits that day we traveled to the white town a clerk, or would 1 perhaps write great books that school-going chil-
of Mzimba to make purchases for my first adventure into the domains dren in our village had sometimes shown to me? I had no idea. Every
of western science and learning. In the rickety bus that carried us to turning seemed to hide new unexpected vistas, every corner seemed
town, chatting happily with other excited passengers in the manner in to hold infinite possibilities as well as immense dangers, and I was not
which our' people become instant friends as soon as they start on a reassured by the comments I heard from other passengers: "Well, ~
journey, she laughed a great deal that morning, pride obvious in the know what these young people are like when they get all that whit~
radiance of her face. Against the velvet black of her skin, her milk- man's learning! The moment they're able to say "scu'§.!UTI~~JikL'Y..l:t!~·
white teeth flashed like beacons in the night. When she laughed, her people, they want to sell us like so many useless cattle!"
breasts, naked above the cow-leather skirt, a little heavier than one A woman laughed jeeringly: "1 once saw a citywoman at Mzimba,
would have expected from her slim figure (to this day 1 can still re- one of those clever ones who have gone to schooL She had a mouth
member how the older women disapproved of my mother's so-called painted red and she was smoking a cigarette. 1 said to her, are you nOE
skinniness), bounced like pears on the branch of a pear tree as she afraid your mouth will c:.atc~ fire?" .
shook with laughter. She was aware of the attention she was attracting "What did she answer you?" Mother asked.
and, of course, she reveled in it. She was young again, her laughter, her "She said, shut your mouth, you pagan woman! That's what she
sighs, her movements must have been full of provocations for the men; said. She called me iqaba! You wait and see. Your own son will call
and, to my discomfiture, she confided to everyone within hearing about you iqaba one of these days when he has learned to say "scuse me' like
the future of her son who was soon to enter schooL To hear her talk, a white man and can smoke a cigarette from the comer of his mouth."
, zIou would think no one had ever been to school before, and ;'I'hat pro- The man who had spoken first laughed and said to my mother,
~ound transformation of character ani mind she hoped schooling would "Even if he calls you a pagan, 1 hope he will never have to paint his
.Qroduce it was only possible to guess at. No doubt, she was convinced mouth red like those city whores!"
that an encounter, however brief, with books, ':Y2:y'ld confer upon her This kind of talk was demoralising. It awakened all the latent fears
offspring ~wesome p~ers of the occult, an almost miraculous ability my father's warning had already bred in me. Thus it happened that in-
to m.anipulate the universe at will. "fan you just see him," she asked, stead of stimulating great joy within me, the trip to Mzirnba and the rest
laughing, "sitting behind those tables the white people use for writing of the preparations that followed stirred up a deep sense of gloom and
on at Mzimba, priving his pen across the white page like some of those forebo~g as though going to school was th~first si~al of some un-

70 71
 lmown disaster, a tragedy that was now only beginning, slowly, to un-
-fold. Clairvoyant, yOU might say, in the light of what later came to pass,
but I am not conVInced mat myfate was quite so inevitable. In a con- 14
fused sort of way, I sensed, too, with very little experience to guide me,
that ,the path on which I was now launched ,.would mean at some future <i)urban was another wodi altogether, vast, ~comprehensible,~­
date a comple~re~k:with.Jh~~lth ~.an and with all that ~unexpected. My father dead, his family s,c~ttered in different
had sustained my spirit up to now. Henceforth I would remain one of . parts of the country and N:zimba as far away as If It had b~en part of
0 e Sibiyas only in name, b~very way that mattered I would be- another universe, mother bad chosen to make a fresh start m the busy
c:2!!!..e a "white man"! as my half-brother, Sipho, had once gravely told seaport with its gigantic c:Jrgo ships and pass~nge.r liners, it.s oil and
me. "Look at these Zulus who have gone to school," he had snorted. sugar refineries, its colour:i.Il flower gardens, Its rIckshaws, Its vastly
"Have you not seen the way they walk, sideways like a crab? It is the spacious streets, its mosques and its dark crowded slums.
white man's knowledge that does it to them. They say you ca,; go mad On arrival in Durban my mother had immediately shown her re-
j~st 1!o,m kn01-Ymg too ill1!c..h.bo.ok. Like that man in the village who sourcefulness by finding Ln untenanted shack in Cato Manor, ~e
stares at a piece of paper full of dots before singing something." sprawling, fetid black slum five miles outsid~ the cen~e 0: ~:".:~!I'
That trip to Mzimba was itself the beginning of a process of initi- The tin shanties of Cato AIanor clung precarIously as If for dear hfe
ation in which I saw myself as a young man setting out on a long and to the hillsides and slopes ::>verlooking a stream called Mkhumbane,
tortuous journey, beset by dangers and uncertainty. For this adven- whose greenish slimy waters flowed eastward an~ sou~ward on its slu~­
ture I needed my battle dress in the form of a school uniform andim- gish journey toward the Indian Ocean, embracmg to Its already ~eaVl­
~lements of war such as books, sla~pteb'poks and pens. Standing Iy polluted bosom all the scum and filth of inml1~erable shacks Without
at the long counter of Saloojee's Trading Store at Mzimba, the articles proper sewage, without proper toilets or plumbmg, on hot days ~s un-
lying pell-mell about us before my mother made up her mind what bearably hot as overheated ovens, on rainy days as le,aky as SIeves,
to purchase and what to reject, I sensed once again the importance of Many of these shacks and lean-tos were owned by IndIan landl<:rds"
the occasion, the solemnity with which everyone treated the news of but these Indians, epstin[ 'lllc'?Etainly ~e~ee~.. EE~J~.q9E_I}2~.llir!>lac!sf '
people and the richer whit:"pop~~t;ion,,~~ere themselv~s now .thr~at­
my impending recruitment to the ranks of the small but significant
population of school-going children. ened with eviction in orae:~ to make room for more white habItaoon.
So were the Africans, of cO'lrse. The location to the west, with its rows
As ouri ellow passengers predicted that morning, the end has not upon rows of neat, terraced houses, firmer, more durable than the frag-
been a happy one; not life but death, not wisdom but foolishness. To-
ile corrugated iron hovels into which mother and I had moved, had
day I sit in this death cell, awaiting execution, because having gone already excited the envy of many privileged white citizens. The loca-
to school I was no longer content with what I was. My hungers, my tion was also under the a:xe. Ilanga, the newspaper for black people,
G's}rations, my prideand ~6ffion,kd me int<Ub0!EY paths and fi- argued with considerable force that rather than destroy houses al-
nally into the noose. The Zulus have a saying: "Hamba juba, bokuhlu- ready in existence, more were needed to accommodate people from
tha p'hambili!" - Fly on, wood-dove, they will pluck your feathers where the slums of Cato Manor, but its words fell on deaf ears. I_ust as at
you alight. Durban, it would seem, was the destination where my Mzimba, here, too, ~ites were preparing, to, dislo~[~t!:e ~4!g$;,­
feathers were finally to be plucked!

72
---
nous inhabitants in orderto t~~.~ver_~~.:t!~~~~E~9fJh~.~!.!£l:
- .....

73
 In Cato Manor, African women lived mainly by brewing an illicit
people. Coolies! Kaffirs! Boesmans!" She shot out a stream of brown
concoction called skokiaan, which was often laced with methylated
saliva at her feet. "They're all the same! Sharks who will skin you alive
spirits to give it an extra kick. This dangerous and mind-destroying
for the sake of a chance to put their two fingers inside your purse."
brew was then served daily to black workers, who, evening after
My mother grumbled at the word "kaffir", but Ma-Mlambo mere-
evening, as soon as they left work, flocked to their favourite shebeens, ly snorted at her. "What do you want me to call them? What I say is
where they thirstily imbibed the stuff in a vain effort, some said, to true. Amakhafula!" She repeated the word. "That's what they are! M-
tor~t ~ misery of pass-raids, th~ misery of unpaid rents, ~ misery ter all, they live off the crumbs from the white man's table, don't they,
~ meagre pay. The.(<t~ went on until the small hours of the and the white man wipes his bac~de on th~~ What do you call such
morning. After the drinking there were the~, often very violent People? Listen, I'll give you some advice. Work for yourself. Brew-
fights, some even ending in death. Between the shacks, along the dark- ing is the thing here. No matter how many of us go into this business
ened passageways, ~men shamelessly offered thems~x.es to the men, there is never enough stuff to satisfy the thirsty men from the factories
who took them greedily, standing them up, or leaning them against and the docks. People will drink ~!!~~ to fQIW th"~t:I2.1!t>.!~.~J"
the wall. My mother said she had never heard of people brewing in order to
At first mother resisted the repeated advice from other women to sell. In the countryside, women brewed traditional beer regularly in
move in on the illicit liquor trade herself. Ma-Mlambo, a dominant fig- order to offer it as hospitality to those who called in for a chat or even
ure in our neighbourhood, was the first to call at our twin-roomed strangers who stopped for a gourd to quench their thirst on their way
shack. There were others to follow her. to distant lands. I suppose outrage and disbelief were written all over
Very black in complexion, with eyes set so wide apart and so far my mother's face because Ma-Mlambo, sensing disapproval, was not
back on the side of her face they seemed to be staring sideways like slow to move into the attack. "No need for you to turn up your nose
a chameleon's, Ma-Mlambo was reputed to have once been a success- like that because things are not what they used to be. What do you
ful diviner. That had been a very long time ago, before she had come expect? This is a big city, nothing is free here. Mdubane is not your
to live in the big city. In Durban, she had quickly found that city Afri- countryside, where people chat all day under the shade of the mi-
cans had a different cast of mind from what she had expected; more mosa!" Pausing only to take a pinch of snuff, she went on, "So what do
sceptical, less easy to convince than country people, they did not flock you aim to do? It's only fair to ask. You want to be a maid in Berea?"
to her in large numbers to learn whose powerful medicine was re- In the event my mother did not become a maid in Berea, but she
sponsible for the failure of their business, who was casting a spell over did the nearest thing to being a maid: she took in washing for white
their sick daughter, or who was attempting to break up their house- people. On Mondays she went on her rounds, collecting the dirty
hold. Defeated but unbowed, Ma-Mlambo had turned to she been- laundry, which she brought home to wash in a big tub in the front
running. yard. Watched by half a dozen squatting women, she emptied the
"I hear you come from Mzimba?" Ma-Mlambo said to my mother laundry bags containing dresses; shirts, blouses, skirts, women's and
that morning, speaking without introduction and without much cere- men's underwear, bed linen and children's clothes onto the floor of
our tiny shack. We examined the clothes, especially the women's un-
mony. "1J:is is not exactly Mzimba, you know. This is Mdubane. Here,
dergarments, with great curiosity, and were moved to disgust when
when' you run out of money, you will soon find that no one cares a
we saw the stains and caught the peculiar smell that seemed ~l~ax:.
to
~ppence what happens you! This is a cut-throat world, child of my
~o attach to white people's clothes-=.,.
74
75
 One day, picking up a pair of striped silken bloomers to scrutinise The members of the Church of Zion wore long white flowing robes
at leisure, Ma-Mlambo laughed, "Oh God! Mkulunkulu! A funny lot secured by green, blue and :~ed cords, which made them resemble the
th~y ar~ to w~ar such things! VYhoever heard of women putting on pictures of Christ's disciples we often saw in the illustrated Bible. The
thmgs like thIS. They call them amadilozi. Drawers!" She chuckled men wore their hair and beards long, for they were under injunction
her mouth twisted humourously. gaditional African women did no; not to shave until Christ's second coming. The preacher exercised
wear panti~ and Ma-Mlambo and her cronies found these sartorial great authority, especially over the women members of the congre-
odds and ends a subject of mirth. But mother was not amused. Dis- gation. As the mesmeric leader with the hot piercing eyes, Gabela,
approvingly she snatched the garment from Ma-Mlambo's hands. seemed not only irresistible to women but was also apparently en-
"Not in front of the child!" she said righteously, noticing my inter- dowed with great healing powers. Formidable yet gentle, his hands
est. were large, and he was knmvn to have cured many hysterical women
Ma-Mlambo laughed even more heartily, "I agree. These things simply by laying his huge hands on their heads and shoulders - though
ar: n,~t fit for the eyes of a young man. Tum your eyes aside, my some said his hands wand,!red to forbidden places - while calling
chIld. Saymg this, she immediately howled, "And look at the stains!" upon the Lord to lift the heavy load from a sister's frail shoulders.
Ma-~ambo sat down on a low stool and watched my mother, elbow- My mother's involvement with the Zionists mercifully lasted for
deep 111 soap-suds, washing the dirt off our masters' clothes. Later the only two years, after which an unfortunate incident with Gabela re-
two gossiped in the front room while my mother laboriously pressed sulted in her leaving the Chu;Ch altogeth-;;~. Sh-;~·;;;:iYC left the
the clothes with an iron heated by charcoal. . Church, but for the first time something was released within her that
. Though my mother, Nonkanyezi, ha~~~S'led J:eroically against ep.tirely transformed her charact;;::Inever found out the exact nature
Insuperable odq£'NJiys:_2Y-~ mo~a~ode she had brought with her of her complaint against Gabela, but there was enough in her be-
f~~~e count:r}!si~ th~o/" w~~not.!o be withstood for long. The haviour to indicate that something had gone seriously amiss the day
c-:..ty was soon to change everything. It had changed many before her:- the prophet called at our house to lay hands on my mother, who was
It was so~nJ.9 change my mother, too. I!:Shanged me certainly. At feeling slightly feverish wit:1. the inception of flu. The rupture, when
first nothIng more than my mother's outward appearance seemed to it occurred, was to become permanent. The denouement to Gabela's
have changed. After our arrival in the city, she had discarded her tra- career as a preacher and healer came a little later when, abandoning
ditional dress of leather skirt and beads and in their place she now his flock to the wolves of other Zionist churches, he suddenly ran off
wore ~ variety of cheap Indian prints and would painfully wobble with a deacon's young wife, taking with him all the congregation's
~bout In her newly acquired high-heel shoes. Later rre change be- funds from the bank. That was the last anybody ever heard of him
~e more profound. The first signs of the greater upheaval to come or the deacon's wife. VYhatever the nature of my mother's encounter
was ?l0ther's conversion by an itinerant gospel preacher of the Church with the prophet, its lastiIie; and. damaging effects on her personality
o~ Zi~n. A handsome, bearded fellow this preacher was, with the sharp were unmistakable. Her sentimental education was now apparently
pIerCIng eyes of a zealous prophet. Soon our Saturday nights and complete.
Sunclay mornings were ringing with the resounding noise of Zionists !'lever a cynic before, always fun-loving yet quietly modest, quick
shouting praises ~o the Lord, speaki~g in tongues and rocking to the to perceive the passions she excited in men, but never so vain as to en-
accompaniment of a single drum. _.
courage them; eager, witty, ;res,
,--but always mindful of the Sibiya repu-
76 77
 tation of which she was now custodian in this intemperate city, she a shebeen and, indeed, could not ignore the extent to which I bene-
had seemed to many people the very model of what a self-respecting fited from the proceeds brought in by such an enterprise,]j:Quld no
zl.iIi.lWrdow should be. But overniglit, alrtfiat, her personality, her longer feel that my home was my own, what with the comings and
i~Ok:s, ber very socl-:-;eemed to have been completely transformed. goings at all hours of day or night: the noise, the drunkenness, the
T.ELmen who had previously hovered around her like flies without wanton frolics everywhere! The whole business was getting on my
daring to get any nearer - men who gazing with abject despondent nerves. To study I had to take refuge in Ma-Mlambo's large three-
lust at her incredible beauty had nonetheless treated her with grave roomed shack:, where the talkative but kindly old woman had set a room
if fretful respect - sensed the change iD:!.mediately. In their attitude aside for my use.
they now became more familiar, more intimate, even lewd. She did All around the shacks, men calleg my.mo~.s..nam.e, "N0 nkanyeZl."
not seem to mind this; she even see.!!!ed to respond to their sexual en- Nonkanyezi!" Already dri;~n mad by skokiaan and the abandoned
treaties. music of the new dance bands, their eyes hungry fOL~.Q.~r.'§.hQt
. Along with the rest of her personality my mo~r's bo<!Jr, too, mouth, for those lips that were always laughing, always painted, al-
seemed to have been transformed. In the countryside she had been ';;;-promising more than they could rightly deliver, I'!!S!l p:"zzed
very slim; she was now fuller, more buxom, more bright-eyed, invari- like bees around a sweet-smelling but cankerous flower. Sometlmes a
ably bubbling with vitality. It seemed that even if she had wanted to ;trong man, with an uncommon personality, was permitted to dance
she could no longer hide her gaiety, which appeared now to be always with my mother, to the frustrated rage of the other drinkers. One such
about to_ sEill over into a flare more dangerous than a dozen hells. man I remember clearly: big and strong, with red obsessive eyes. He
She sang, she laughed, she danced like someone possessed. A Current had a dapper mustache and when he opened his mouth, flashing white
-Of ceaseless animation connected her to the jovial lust of men around teeth shone in it. He was called BigJoe and he was said to have come
her. Her toothy ~, her dimpled copp;;::Coloured doeks, even her from what was then known as Nyasaland. Though this man laughed
voic~ which had always been so pure yet so close to hysteria, had be- often, his laughter was internal; he seemed a man apart from others.
come part of an arsenal she employed for the conquest of the wortd His eyes appeared to mock others' sexual frustrations. Always you h~d
of city men, the tight-fisted world of money, of desperate township the feeling that he never tried with women. He just watched and WaIt-
intriguesand ~erous petty struggles. ed. To the sexual blandishments of the women he responded with an
She had long-:igo-stopped taking in ;-ashing, and to Ma-Mlambo's easy smile, but he did nothing about it. He drove women. mad. Big
great satisfaction, in order to continue paying for my schooling, she Joe was said to have killed another man once. A clever JewIsh lawyer
had finally succumbed to the temptation of running a shebeen. Thus had gotten him off scot-free. Later, he had become a leader on the
had my mother, like many of the women of Mkbumbane, finally ended docks. He was always going to meetings. Men sou~hiIP.: out for
up as ~ller of illicit liquor. Many came to her shack to drink:, many counsel. Several times he led the workers out on strike for more pay,
came to look for glamorous city women, but most came only to bask '~nd there were battles with the police. It was obvious people resRect-
in the sunshine of my mother's charms and warm dimpled smiles and ed Big l£.e, but they never liked him. Many feared and envi:d him·
her dazzling good looks. One night, in a room behind the store-room, 1 saw why. The bIg man,
~o~_a source of g:rea~fa~1ion, even bitternes~ who had never even seemed to look at my mother before, this man
Although I recognised the pressures that had driven my mother to run whose studied indifference to my mother's most obvious provocations

78 79
 had excited surprised comment and speculation, was pressed hard
against Nonkanyezi! My mother's clothes were in complete disar-
ray, one naked breast had popped out of place, her brown shoulders 15
gleamed like polished teak in the half-light, her entire body quivering
in sensuous exhausted passion. She still tried in that moment of fate- Cfhese are digressions, I know. Hopeless detours. Evasions. At the
ful fusion to struggle against Big Joe's wide encompassing arms, but beginning, I wanted to talk only of myself, of my own feelings, of my
obviously without much conviction. Big Joe's roving hand, tender yet own attitudes. I wanted to put on record that I have learned a great
strong, fumbled among tearing undergarments, fumbled, groped, ri- deal in my twenty-five years of living. Though I did not graduate, I
fled. Big Joe and my mother were in shadow, their darker limbs laid spent three years at the uni,~J;;fore bei~}cicked out for lead~ng
bare, entwining, shining dimly under the unfathomable gaze of a star- a protest strike a~~st ~~.KI~~g~!ed.~lasses. I know about a few things
lit night. Like a dumb suffering beast, Nonkanyezi allowed herself to that great thinkers have pondered, I know what many poets and nov-
be pawed, and finally languished against the breast of the big man, a elists have said. Was it not an eminent French poet, after all, who said,
woman still haughty but humbled by a seemingly seething lust. Then "We must get out of this cfntury or have reason for staying in it!"? I
all at once, as though a world had suddenly turned on its side, the man have read. I have worked. I have worked at a succession of jobs. For
and the woman began to move together. In a steady, ever-increasing a while I was timekeeper br a firm of building contractors. I have
rhythm, they moved and moved and moved together while the world worked as a clerk for the Bantu Administration. I've been an assis-
seemed to whirl around me like a gigantic spinning-wheel. tant in a big city bookshop. Andlhave lived, alwa.ys,.!.~<:!.~.~1.~YL-Qn
Transfixed, not daring even to breathe, I watched them, astonished. the frin~~ of a white wor~d that tried to keep me _~ But I'm dif-
My mother N onkanyezi had really changed. . ferent from my father. Thanks to my mother, that indefatigable
"Shebeen Queen", I went:o school, then to university, and I know
w.~at my father did not smpect: the white world that he hated an-a
feared so much is built on :'.~much ,shifting sands:_!!_~i1J~<2!.0~t~It
wiILbJ~_~~.!.~~ay. That is what history teaches us. It is the history
Professor Van Niekerk should have taught me, because it was getting
to know that history, independently by private study and diligent read-
ing, that saved me (you may smile at the irony) from a self-destructive
rage. I became strong and defiant without real hatred in me.
Of course, there is an element of luck in all this. Luck. What a joke!
A gallows bird talking of bck. Ah, but why mention my imminent
execution? As the good Doctor DUfre always complains, I'm too mor-
bid! I cannot stay away from the subject. Anyway, after I passed my
Senior Certificate as they say, with flying colours, the proud Lutheran
Fathers who saw the pass li!;t were only too happy to arrange a schol-
arship for me at the University of Natal. Suddenly the world all at

80 81
 once became for me both larger and narrower. Student life assumed to be as anxious as ~e are to preserve their racial purlix,L" Even Van
its own rhythm oflectures, tutorials, protest meetings, demonstration~. Niekerk did not seem to believe his own legend.
-For most classes, we bEiCksmde;t;-;e;e-;~g;;g~red, of course. We A blonde girl with green-blue eyes and a loose sexy mouth laughed
received our lectur:£!~in a barnlike lectuJ;'e hall on the grounds of the uproariously at this, and Van Niekerk raised one surprised, question-
Indian technical college. For a few courses, however, we were allowed ing eye. The blonde instantly felt rebuked and shifted uneasily in her
~?_~_~_~~!he. ~~~9.~~f the "Wllltes Onlx:" c_~mpu~ere we share? seat. "Excuse me, Professor Van Niekerk," she said defensively, re-
classes with resentful white students. sponding to an unasked question, "but how do you know black people
~\ Sometimes: ~~Tecep in ~clf,I-have Qightmares in which I receive don't wish to 'amalgamate,' as you put it?" Other white faces of dif-
visits from old Professor Van Niekerk. His batlike face is wrapped ferent shapes and sizes, crowned with gold, brown or dark hair, all
'up in cotton wool. He always arrives carrying an immense manuscript marked by various shades of astonishment at the girl's audacity, swiveled
with pages from which words have been carefully erased. Laughing, round to stare open-mouthed at her. I must say this query should have
he hands me this book and bids me to walk into the future by fol- alerted me once and for all to the fact that, given half a chance, white
lowing the instructions inscribed in it. Van Niekerk, that ogre, that women will always cause trouble on race questions. Alas, I found that
racist pig, that academic fraud! Yet outside these dreadful dreams it out only too late. Domus Maynard, the only coloured student among
- · _ _ _ '"'-w. _ _ " ... , __ ........, , " ' " " _ _ _ _ _ _ '

must be said that the real Van Niekerk had a certain macabre charm. us, spoke up at once. "Professor Van Niekerk, I am not sure that I un-
On the first day of term he said (almost invariably he addressed him- derstan~ you co~rectly, but many ~~~le lik~ m~elf must
self only) to the amazed white students, "Well! Well! Today, ladies and wonder If they stIll possess any racial purity to defend after your peo-
gentlemen, ~n~US.5.QIll.u.ath~r.:Qnt:xPJ~J;:te.-,L'lisitors!" He ple made sure to mingle with the bl!lcks in order to produce us brown
gave only a weary smile, his brown-rat moustache quivering as though folk!"
---=
stirred by the smallest breeze. "These are the fortunate few students In my dreams I can still see Van Niekerk's face in a state of com-
who have come fro~_<:?_~er ~!i~1?:~Lgr0.E-..P.~" th-atm~k~-~p-th~-p~pu­ plete shock as if he had been shown a ghost (of Christmas Past, per-
lation of this our liappy, sunny South Africa!" At this witticism he haps). His white hair was standing on end. His long face, like that of
grinned greedily like a monkey discerning com ripe enough for a bite. a horse, had turned red, then pale in quick succession. His pointed nose
"Their presence among us, I am sure, will arouse in you different emo- sniffed the air, one upturned eye staring at the ceiling and another
tions and. different sen~~~o~. Others-;;;ong-you .;;~ eve~"~~-;-this rolling downward. His slack mouth drooled with a purposeless and
as-i-sm-ali -bitt' signifi'~;nt drift toward the eventual amalgamation of undefined lust. An ugly face. After a while, he began again as though
races." nothing had happened. He made some preliminary remarks about
Later I would notice that Van Niekerk almost never used the w01;:d the subject of history he was going to teach, more relevantly about
"integration" if he could help it. It was as if this word alone carried African history. His need to humble us black students was accentu-
Widun It'l:1.1'e damning powers of the incubus. "This assumption, I dare ated by every injury he felt to have sustained from Domus's words.
say, is all too easy to make," Van Niekerk went on, "but I'm bound to "A great historian who needs no introduction to some of us," Van
say, so far as our non-white peoples are concerned, it is completely un- Niekerk resumed, "once said of our beloved continent - and I think
warranted. My experience, and I can speak here only from my own with a certain amount of justice - that before the white man came
experience, is that the Bantu, the Indian and the Kleurling have proved there was no African history to speak of in this darkest of the Dark

82 83
 Continents. Whether we like it or not, African history commences that we live in a continent m::trked by the absence of human thought:
with the arrival on African soil of the first white man. The history of science and philosophy, a cOlltinent in which ~s a visil]leJac;:k of
Africa is the history not of black Africans but of white men in a for- art", music and architecture_':J. is not one that we can regard as an oc-
eign environment. Ladies and gentlemen, 1 invite you for a minute to casion for humour. For is it J10t one of the appalling facts of our cir-
'ineditate on this inexpressible irony!" cumstance that in Africa we ~re surrounded not by monuments to 1jle
Apart from the blonde with green-blue eyes who was surreptitious- h:uman spirit andJ1uman aCbi.eY.:ment....JlutJ?.Y_!!S: aQ~~JlC~l_~
ly painting her fingernails, the white students looked awed by the ex- oppressive spiritual vac:uum2~ Im-P91!~_~ble_~~len ~.
tent to which fate had thrust them into the unhappy role of bearing Thi~ was it! The final word! At last, exhausted by his own eloquence,
such a heavy burden. They became quiet and meditative, as Van Nie- Van Niekerk staggered back from the podium, mopping his brow with
kerk had urged them. Hosein, the Indian student who always sat on a soiled white handkerchief. Several heads amongst white students
my left, began to giggle uncontrollably. The white students were out- were brought together in various comers of the room. A buzz of sub-
raged at the extent of his impudence. After all there were onll,.five of dued admiration flowed like an underground stream .. By this time
us black students who had been allowed the rare privilege of attend- Hosein was rolling in his chair, he was laughing so much that tears
ing Van Niekerk's select classes under the grand title "Themes of were streaming down his cheeks. Then, as suddenly as if someone had
African History". The white students continued to see us as interlop- administered a dose of a sleep-inducing drug, Hosein promptly fell
ers who should have shown proper gratitude. From different parts asleep in his chair, his head rolling backward, his mouth open, a rare
of the room there were hisses in an attempt to quiet Hosein, but the beatific smile still lingering on his face, while Van Niekerk, more as-
contrary appeared to be the effect of these disapproving noises. Ho- tonished than outraged, leaned forward to observe this new phenome-
sein was unable to control his mirth. His giggles became guffaws and non.
his guffaws became howls of ecstatic laughter. Soon the other black
students were joining in, including myself, 1 regret to say.
Van Niekerk turned one eye upward and the other downward. "I'm
surprised some of you find this situation sufficiently comical to arouse
so much mirth." Gravely, disapprovingly, his face as red as a beet, Van
Niekerk glared at us. His grin, when it came, was more ferocious than
his grimace, his shiny white teeth were clenched tightly together in a
threatening, tormented defensiveness. Finally he uttered his pro-
nouncement: "1 should not have thought," Van Niekerk shouted above
sniggers, "that lack of historical enterprise in such a vast continent
merited a response of such remarkable levity. Rather, I would have
thought it should be cause for concern about the nature of what 1 re-
gard as the great African tragedy in which we are all involved.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Van Niekerk went on remorselessly, "we
only have to look to the north of us to see what is happening. The fact

84 85
 16 17
9ft the beginning of my third year at the university, there was a se- Oometimes when the mood takes him, Dufre discourses to me on
ries of strikes and demonstrations, all of which were designed to pro- the subject of love. Perhaps as a result of contemplating my own
mote a campaign against racial discrimination. A few white students predicament too long, or perhaps because of his own personal expe-
and professors, usually of liberal or left-wing persuasion, joined us. riences in the past, Dufre tends to take an unreasonably pessimistic
Climaxing one such strike, a sit-in was called to occupy the principal's view of the subject. He calls the necessity to love anoth~human ~~-­
office, a sit-in that became rather boisterous (a few flowerpots were ing-i'in~-mdiV1dlliiT~ense" an unmitigated tragedy. "Certainly
broken, someone had watered the rest with urine) and that was quelled not-a-gift from the gods as some like to think," Dufre says darkly, his
only with the aid of riot police. As a result, some students were severe- eyes flashing behind his glasses.
ly beaten up and had to be hospitalised. I was lucky t-;escape wIth "When it is urgent and demanding, love is both a threat and an im-
only a fractured arm. possible prison," Dufre asserts. "It has nothing to do with what Ameri-
How I got involved as a key figure in all these battles is not clear cans like to sing about in their popular music - moonlight in Vermont
even to me. At first I had done no more than ~k at union meetings and stars over Alabama. On the contrary, love is hot, dark and dan-
in SUpP9!!gfyarious resolutions passed to put on record our increas- gerous, and mostly has to do with failure, loss and running away, with
i~g -f.rustration~·~th~th; uni~ersitys·enate:T~t~ough I made great betrayal and treachery. Even cruelty is part of it."
efforttosfi:un-theIillieligh~-nm.indmYserr drawn more and more into These are the only times since I have known him that Dufre uses
the web of politics. I was being elected to more and more commit- language as if it were meant to convey some meaning, something pre-
tees, entrusted with the task of holding consultations with the authori- cious and truthful without which we would all be poorer. The only
ties. I was instructed to protest against this or that injustice. As a fre- times, too, that I detect in him hidden springs of emotion. ~r
quent member of these delegations, my name came to be well known. just the scientist, calm, inquiring and disinterested, he is a man like
Several times I was interviewed by the newspapers, which meant in
time I would be interviewed by the police. Finally, I received from the
a~~~;-~truggl~ with the unknownEfiste!i.t:~~!~~_~~~~~_~~i!.
senate a strongly worded letter warning of possible expulsion if I per-
'tbe language shows 19
Du£re's -passio~ddress on the subject of love, on an unusually
sisted with my dIsruptIve aCtIVItIes. I didnottake these threats very
gray morning with a sky like lead overhead, reminded me of many
seriously, but the inevitable happened after May Day, when demon-
things I would prefer to forget. 9_~~_:. at schoo~L!"_~ll.lemher..1!.p_~~'!!y
strations, called in support of a student demand for the removal of Pro-
young girl Il!Y.9wn age who had ~lwa~lookecf at me with something
fessor Van Niekerk from our racially mixed classes in view of his
like shock~~d surprise. A girl with verydeep black eye-;~d very-bl;-ck
provocative behaviour, again ended in a series of clashes with the po-
velvet skin, delicate and nervous, also incurably shy and frightened.
lice. A few windows in Warwick Avenue were broken by well-aimed
rocks. As one who had been warned repeatedly by the governing body, She never spoke to me nor to anyone else about what was in her heart.
I was summarily expelled. Thus came to an end my career as a studen t Then one day__s_o_~g sna~. ru:~_ ~h~~~~:!_~~~ng ~~,
o fih-eUiliversi ty of Natal. whi~h_ t~olc I?J-~_wholly by s~r~e. We had been playing at some-

86 87
 thing or other, and I asked her why she had done it. She trembled
~--~------~-----------
affair.~dulg,;! in an exchange of nan;es or even enjoy.
violently and then broke into tears. the lighthearted banter of ~. budding fnendsnip. ~ ~~
"Because I love you and I hate you and I do not know what to do!" with a few well-chosen~lpliments or make an odd suggestive re-
At th~time I wasonly shocked;buiTUilders'tOo-cr.o:othii:l"gfr;;:ilie mark about clothes, looks, feelings, emotions, hungers and longings.
~".....---.--- ........ -...
incident. Her tantrum had merely puzzled me. ~ I understand a W..e. cO~~-!Tade no compliiii(~ which, in the normal course of events,
little of what that girl felt. I understood, too, Veronica Slat~r's alter- make up the unchangmg ntnal of courtship. Right up to the climax of
natingbolaneSs-an:dIe~ her cr~ revUlsIon, ~er com !!city this affair, which was the ulion of two bodies, we were technically
andlier final turnin a alnst ~e·. Itwas part of the same· sesslO strangers to each other. €,;U~~d"iiSei1owo~eyond the
part ofth'~~;;;~audacity, part of the same!~ also understand primitive language of looh and gestures,1Jeyond die surreptitious
something of my own fascination with the girl, my whdllxinaptU:9- grunts and murmurs when desire became too insupportable. In short,
'pri~~ .fQi'~~1ftew?m~:~.~?_~.,S?,,~ as Jj~fr"'{never tires of we could not declare ourselves.
reminding me, which loses no time in hanging black boys who poach Since we were lovers in everything but name, sometimes the suf-
in hunting grounds reservedforwhlfes onli::~utso manYciungs were fering sh~ea: iiitI1e--:raV'enouslv1£1iil"gifs§s we directed at each
involved in my own choice of arena for~~I!~ii~e narrow other, in the suppressed tension hehind the hooded eyeli s, in the~­
straitjacket in which society 'v.~dc:!termined to..il!lprison me. Lust was tle,droop at the comers of the ~sh, or even m e.,m2,me~:~ ~­
one of them, I admit, but ~lust for a white ~()iit~ There were bli!!K.9f the liB' when, Uiiexr;ectedly, we came across each other in the
plenty of black girls on whom I coUld have'vented my lust - if lust and streets. I say all this purely out of my own observation of the girl, of
nothing but lust was w!!~tLs1lffu.red.h:g.!p.-.:..May it not have had some- course. I cannot say what my own face showed, though I should think
thing ~c:...~~-~.:,h lI!~r ulsi5>_n.. fr()~..~~:,§']!Y, ~y l§'ss~<?f an- quite as much, if not more.
chorage orcSense of direction my final despair? At any rate, my pas-
sion grew out -
-"'--01 liumlJte15eginnings, and it became a game that both
Once, when leaving the beach by separate routes, the English girl
and I collided at the entrance of the small tobacco shop at the end of
Veronica and I played with elaborate observance of the rules. the Esplanade. We were both so overcome by the shock of this un-
Finall1~ w~ of course. Yes, Veronica is the only one who came expected encounter, occurring as it did far from our usual "trysting"
out of this gigantic scandal a clear winner. Perhaps this was unavoid- place on the often deserted ;;pot on the beach, that we both behaved
able considering how loaded the dice were against me from the begin- exactly like two awkward lovers who, meeting each other by chance,
ning. All the same, we both tried to maintain a minimum of deco- find themselves at a loss for tb.e right kind of words to utter. So gauche
rum required of those who, living in a country that sternly forbids and bashful, in fact, were we that I am surprised the other white peo-
racial mixing, still feel compelled to graze over on the other side of ple who must have witnessed the incident faileo to ifoficeanytIling
the fence. Part of the unstated rules of the game, enforced by noth- o~vlo~. ~¥~~~outh~ic~ns, a pe~~~o
ing less than fear of imprisonment that would follow discovery, was accustomed to regarding the blacks as nothing ¥but pegs on which to
the preserving, day after day, week after week, of this harrowing tor- hang their hats, woUld have sureo/remarxooiliatsometlllng was amiss
m~nt of anonymity. here. They would have been. forced to detect in our odd behaviour -
From the very beginning, Veronica and I were deprived of what in the startled expressions llnd tentative guilty smiles on our faces,
lovers the world over are permitted to enjoy at the burgeoning of an in the eyes quickly averted hut not so quickly as to conceal the very

88 89
 obvious fact of mutual recognition - not the reaction of an innocent into each other as crush into each other's bodies, falling about each
white woman bumping into a clumsy blackman; not the harmless other into what w~aimost-ana-ccTae.ntal embnl'ce. Still damp from
collision between a white madam, both irreproachable and unap- suntan oil and swimming, Veronica bumped into me with the force of
proachable, and a native male, timid and h~less!y immobilised by a clumsy young elephant, her full breasts charging ahead of her. To
~ar, fear of that~_?E-.!~t w!!4la--W~:rp.~~_~1-; "s~p~rior~;~~-;;-th-;twe this day I remember exactly the feeling, the prickly sensation of my
are all supposed to have. But in the girl's blushes-,in hershlfung guilty skin as o~ bodies touchea-:-caresse(Ll~can hear--di.eSIngmg ofl)lQod
eyes veiled by long fluttering eyelashes, in her wide distorted mouth in ~y ve1~;-~t-th~~feerof'die silk ~fthe garmenfsne w6re;-th-e'iliiooih
from whose trembling lips a sound like a wordless murmur seemed to texture of the skin on her naked arms.
~t~ggle for u~, they would have seen a surprised embarra~~ed At the instance of our collision, something fell from her hand. A
meeting of lo:,,:~who were ~bly ve~~d ?Y th_~!lecessity t~_£QE_~~~l comb? A hat? A handbag? I cannot remember. I spoke then, "I'm so
~eir knowled~~_~fJ:~c~_?~,~E~m the world. They would have need- sorry! Please, excuse me!" And bent down to pick up whatever had
ed fewer signs to alert them to t1lis"factt1.lan what the girl and I had fallen from her hand. "No, no! It's entirely my fault!" She spoke in a
already offered. Supposedly strangers to each othe!Lye! so manif~st­ lowered tone at once courteous and surprisingly shy for a white woman
lyJ~!E:piar with each other's ~e very least, we declared our addressing a native'(Heard for the first time the sound of her voi~
mUtlI!}_~.t1P.e moment we bumped into each other. The~e was startlingly mellifluous, not at all shrill, whining or high-pitched aS1
nervous agitati2iv. was immense, for not only did we come face to face were most white South African voices Ihad heard. It was low, tran-
for t1:iefirs"t-ti~e at that tobacconist shop, but we touched flesh to quil and musically modulated like the sigh of the sea at night. Whether
flesh. from embarrassment at so accidental an encounter, or perhaps simply
There were a few white people around as I remember: an old man from her eagerness to retrieve her property, not knowing exactly what
inspecting a set of briar pipes, a flabby middle-aged blonde woman she was doing, Veronica had gone down on her knees at the very mo-
gazing myopically at some holiday postcards, two young girls in swim- ment that I bent down to pick up her article so that the two of us,
suits exchanging harmless sexual innuendos with the gray-faced tobac- crouching together, had our faces nearly touching. Our heads were
conist behind the counter. At one corner of the shop, still clutching lowered together at the exact moment, and her still-damp hair brushed
recently bought packets of cigarettes, two big-shouldered, red-faced quickly against my face while her wide sensual mouth hovered hand-
rugby types were arguing about the respective merits of two Spring- somely close to mine. Feeling rather foolish, but excited by such prox-
bok players. A lingering fragrance of tobacco, suntan oil and wet skin imity, we both hesitated just an instant. She raised her eyes level to
recently emerged from the sea pervaded the tiny shop. After buying mine, and staring into those very deep-green pupils, where light and
my own packet of cigarettes as self-effacingly as possible, I walked to- darkness seemed to blend so unnaturally, I felt as though I had plunged
ward the door only to bump into Veronica Slater, who had alre~dy naked into a disturbed pool of water. In her agitation, I was aware of
changed into smart street clothes. She chose that moment to step into her intense stillness. The colour in the curve of her cheeks became
the shop, perhaps to buy the very same brand of cigarettes I had just very vivid. But though obviously as agitated as I was, Veronica could
purchased, such being the vagaries of fate. Suddenly, the very air, which not refrain from flashing a mocking smile, so familiar to me from our
a
until then had seemed entombed in tunnel of a warm lethargic after- many meetings on the beach. It had the power to revive every thread
noon, became light as motes. Veronica and I did not so much as run of desire she had long ago woven around my enchanted heart.

90 91
 All this happened in only a matter of seconds, then we were rising
together and I saw in that instant the full white throat above the low-
cut dress, the high magnificent breasts beneath the flimsy cloth begin 18
to heave and throb like the swell of a large ocean wave. It was a single
moment, but all the same, a moment charged with such torment of <:That night there was the smell of rain, I remember, on the overheated
spirit, hinting at all those undivulged secrets of the heart we had pavements, a suppressed murmur in the garden foliage behind Ma-
thought we were so adept at concealing. Mlambo's shack, and I went to bed smelling heat and listening to the
There was also delight in that encounter. Before I had straightened silent stir in the leaves. Whel sleep came, it was an uneasy, troubled
up, I had not only caught a whiff of the suntan oil she used on her sleep during which I was haunted by white harrowing dreams. One of'
skin and the strong, not very subtle perfume beneath the oil, but I those dreams survives in mynemory with sufficient clarity. The rest
had also ac uired a firm conviction that this was the start of som;;' dissolve into fragments, into incoherent images and fleeting impres-
_~K neither of us could modify or control very easily. What this sions, black shapes and phant)ms behind which, I'm sure, hide my in-
was, I didn't know. How it was to end, I didn't kllow, either. Had we nermost fears, behind which burn all those denied secret wishes and
been in any country other than South Africa, I would have seen it as the gnawing private guilts.
a happy omen, perhaps the likely beginning of an affair. As it was, I From a jumble of memory I recall only wanton ogres and fanciful
regarded this encounter with a certain amount of foreboding. After dervishes executing their fieLdish spectral dances in that vast deep of
all, however accidental and tantalisingly brief, this was the first physi- my innermost consciousness~ Try as I may to conjure up these shapes
cal contact I had had with the English girl. From then on, she was no into some kind of coherent order, to construct out of the chaotic jum-
longer to be simply a dream, a phantom, a ghost, a mirage created by ble of images some meaning, in the end I find no thin but shadows.
my own bedazzled eyes out of the hot sands of the beach. I had felt ~erything dissolves finally into a miasma o(g:uil~and sha_~ nd
her breast crushed against my breast. I had felt the brush of her hair something more perplexing ~It is as though the mere remem-
against my face. And the girl, tremulous and gleaming with her invin- brance of the outline of this dream will bring its own retribution.
cible colour and excitement, had smiled into my face. Those huge Nevertheless, the vague shape of that dream remains in my mind
green eyes, so modestly sheltered behind flickering eyelids, had seemed to this day like a searing wound, like a memory of an exquisite torture
in that single moment of contact to pose a question for which I had undergone a long time ago but whose recollection it is hard to erase.
no answer. "~ntirely my fault!" she had said. "It's entirely my fa1!lt!" The locale is blurred but th~ atmosphere is that of a Zulu court. A
Whatever else followed would be her fault. This she had acknowl- gaudy Zulu monarch sits in judgment over me surrounded by his
edged. . indunas and other courtiers. What crime I have committed it is im-
~

possible to say. I seem to be :;tanding on a pedestal before a huge as-

semblage of courtiers and armed guards and I am naked to my toes.
It seems I have stood there all day long. I feel so tired. My legs are
almost sagging under my body, but I manage to support my weight
very well because all the time I can see the chieftain on his throne
glaring at me with his flaming red eyes.

92 93
 Abruptly, a most amazing sight presents itself before my eyes and thighs, moving maddeningly up to the reddish black crown of her
a shiver goes through me like cold steel glancing through naked flesh. feathered glory. My head begins to get dizzy. My heart pounds like a
A moment longer and I feel as though my body has been warmed by chain-gang hammer. A slow fire descends to my loins. Beads of sweat
an invisible fire or touched by a million hot hands, for there in front break from my brow. She is dancing too close to me, her body almost
of me stands the king's daughter, the most beautiful girl I have ever brushing against mine, turning round and round my limbs. Driven to
seen, and she is wearing nothing but her beads, as they say, and a sort an almost manic frenzy by the girl's sexual taunts, I feel myself losing
of shimmering blue veil wrapped around her beautiful limbs. Tall, re- controL Oh, God, help me! I can't hold out! Oh, ancestors, fathers of
gal, smooth-limbed, with high breasts like pillars of brown salt and my fathers, help me! But no, there is no help. From now on it appears
eyes as cold as a serpent's, she walks into the arena with her lithe sway- I can only let myself go. It is a ~oment of supreme relie.f, that total sur-
ing step, a smile on her mouth that is as provocative as it is noncom- r~der to an impulse older than human law, more ~n...ciriJjz;J.l.-
mittaL ~self, for it i~j).Y..R.iE!1.!!t1ltlllg lllt~forburaenoff:Ji) of
The girl begins to d~ for me and everybody watches to see how tIlatroy~ hearthffi".it~_can ac ieve totalliberatio then die.
much I will be able to stand of her calculated provocation. This is my -r;::;member thinking at the time that if this were t e way to die,
test. I have been warned: at the veIY first sign of ph.-Y§icallust my ~d what a wonderful way to go! But just as I was about to shoot the
wUlgo to the chopping block. Um meant to hold firm, to resist all princess full of white birds, I saw the king rise from his throne, his
desire, to h<id fi~~E-...E!Y~' in short to prove my ability to .?v~­ face terrible to behold. A murmur like a high wind on a distant plain
come temptatioE:, which is the basis of all wicked deeds and earthly arose from the assembled crowd. He was moaning deep in his throat
sorrow. But what can a man do? As the girl continues her provoca- and in a voice full of unspeakable anguish he cried out furiously, "Seize
tive dance, it seems as though I were standing alone upon a high moun- the traitor! Seize and kill him instantly!" But it was too late for me to
tain where an icy wind cannot cool my hot feverish brow. The veins stop. I felt my body burst through the inner sanctum of that royal
in my head throb like piston engines and I can feel my blood travel hearth, and once I was joined to the princess, I was simply indifferent
from my heart to my head, warm, quick, then back to my belly, my to my fate. A soldier approached with a glittering spear and at once
thighs and legs. There is a soft stirring inside my legs threatening me raised it to pierce me through the heart, a single thrust, which in-
with disaster. stantly severed me from the source of my greatest delight.
I must try and hold on, I tell myself. It is the only chance I have to "Obviously a wish-fulfillment dream," Dufre said excitedly when
escape my terrible fate;the o~y cha~I have to stay aliY..e. Try and I told him about it. "What is very surprising," he added, reflectively,
think of something else to take your thoughts off this incredible scene! "is that the dream material should have been so obvious in their pos-
But now, like a well-trained stripper doing the Dance of the Seven tulates, their enactment of ambition for sexual gratification. No at-
Veils, the king's daughter - my temptress - has begun to remove her tempts whatsoever at symbolism. No mushrooms. No climbing of
transparent veil, disclosing a wealth of physical beauty extraordinary trees or pressing through dark tunnels." He shook his head. "You know,
to behold. Frightened, I cannot bear to watch, but I also ca t bear of course, who is represented by your terrible autocratic king?"
no~.t-G.h. I stand as ough mesmerised by her trembling high "King Cetshwayo!" I said, laughing. "No,Shaka or perhaps King
oreasts and the shimmering young buttocks, by the hands as they ca- Bekuzulu!"
sually brush slowly and delicately up and down her glossy brown "Mr Sibiya," the Swiss doctor sighed wearily. "Please, be serious."

94 95
 tinual din of passengers exchanging gossip, to the telling of jokes, wit-
ticisms, confidences. I sat inmobile like a madman in one of those
19 occasional fits of hypnotic paralysis when something seems to have
been arrested at the core of his being. The noise went on unabating
9s it possible, as Dufre suggested, that this dream was about the white around me.
girl? I don't know. I don't care. I know only that as soon as morning Among my people, going to work on a bus is an experience, an ad-
came, I was up and ready to leave for the city, ready to drop like a venture. As in many other places where people without a parliament
stricken bird on that isolated part of the beach where I was wont to come to be thrown together, during its thirty minutes' run to town the
keep vigil for Veronica Slater, my serene temptress, my tormentor. bus becomes a great forum for the airing of political views, the ex-
Nothing, it seemed, could detain me much longer in Cato Manor. A pression of discontent, or the dispersal of useful information. Without
heart in love is a heart in flight, the body simply follows where pas- wishing to hear you learn who has gone to jail, who has come out of it,
who has run off with which businessman's wife, where the next police
sion leads, and a doomed passion is the most dangerous because it is
raids are expected, which politician is selling out to which city coun-
the most powerful of all.
cilor. Every morning it is the same: gossip, anecdotes, the exchange
As far as my mother was concerned, I suppose I was like any other
of information or helpful expertise passed on with a kind of oiled-
unemployed youth, daily rushing into the city's centre to join queues
tongue fluency run rampant.
at the Labour Bureau in the hope of being hired. Little did she sus-
When the bus finally pulled up at the Durban bus station, there was
pect that I spent these precious hours of the day at the beach, my blood the usual squad of iron-faced police waiting to check the identity doc-
seething, fighting the heat, the dust, the flies, hunger, heedless of dis- uments of alighting passengers - passengers whose passes were not
comfort, for the sake of a glimpse of a girl who displayed as much con- in order, passengers whose permits to live in the city had expired, those
cern for my helplessly distracted adoration as the most exalted queen without any visible means of employment. In short, myself and thou-
might show for the demented love of one of her humblest subjects. sands of others like myself, who lived a life of enforced idleness and
But what did I care? What did I care for the anguished hours of criminality. However, that m ::>rning, balancing my need to see the girl
waiting in the moist heat, hours of waiting in the poisoned, sulphurous against the less pleasant prospect of spending a day or two in the
air, suffering in the languor of insensate afternoons, which seemed to clutches of the police, I was determined not to be caught in the net.
disseminate nothing but death? At the sight of that face surrounded As soon as I reached the exit door of the bus my body became trans-
by a mop of surging auburn hair, at the look of inexpressible sorrow formed into a crumpled, twisted, crippled wreck of smashed-up limbs
around that droopingly sensual mouth, I was transported to new re- shuffling past the waiting police, walking sideways like a crab, shaky,
gions of heavenly bliss. For the sake of that temporary bliss, I was pre- trembling, drooling saliva, determined to drive the point home to my
pared to endure discomfort: the morning rush hour on the buses, be- masters regarding my physical incapacity to do any kind of work, in
ing jostled and pummeled by arms and elbows of passengers who, fact, my utter uselessness as l". possible prisoner. To make myself even
admittedly, had more pressing reasons to get to the city on time. I, on more obnoxious, I stretched forth my hand fur a few coppers as I walked
the contrary, was only following an obsession. But does love or even past in the extravagant gesture of a mendieant to whom the police
a blind obsession require sound reason or justification? All the way were no object of terror. "A penny, my baas! Penny, my baas!" I cried,
to town I listened with stupefied lack of comprehension to the con- thrusting my hand under their disapproving faces.

96 97
 In disgust, they waved me by. "Loop, jou bliksem! Go on! Get out grances as penetrating as the exhalations of a mountain rose. She would
of here, you twisted carcass of stinking rubbish!" walk so close that had I reached out my hand, I could have touched
"Dankie, my baas!" I walked past. In a delicate limp, mumbling un- her, but not once did either of us ever de art from the unstated policy
der my breath, "For the love of God, my baas! My kroon!" of 0 SI';;;t corn'actiiOtWspea. 0 near et so a for all the proi.;'·
Not until I was well out of sight did I straighten up and adjust my limty we shared we might as well have been in different parts of the
walk to its normal gait. Even then I did not relax my vigilance. All the
time I was on the lookout for the police who lurked in every nook of
~ . -,--
universe. We could feast our eyes upon each other's bodies but we
could say nothing to each other to express what we felt. WOf.4Dyere
the city, ready to pounce on unemployed blacks. Only when I reached dangerous; once spoken, they could never b~ urisp~~;'. Harm, if it
the beach, with its pure white sands, its seawater glittering like scat- ~ned out that harm was the ;~;;:;It~'~~~d~;;~r'b~ ~ndone. The girl
tered pearls under a wide curving sky, did I feel safe enough from the understood this as much as I did. She understood that so far as the law
long arm of the law. was concerned, it was enough for people of the two races to "conspire"
I have to explain that the beach is not beyond the reach of the fly- to break the Immorality Act for the courts to convict, even if the cou-
ing squad, but the presence of so many white citizens, white people ple had not actually committed the sexual act itself. This knowledge,
who may have been perfectly happy to vote for laws of harassment I believe, encouraged in both of us a certain amount of prudence and
against blacks but who, having voted, have no stomach for witnessing caution.
the manner in which these laws are carried out, has an inhibiting ef- Sometimes waiting for Veronica to arrive, waiting for the ritual of
fect upon the police. !!eatin~, tortur~~ all right, necessary, even uneasy, silent flirtation to begin, I would get drowsy and fall asleep.
inevitable, but everyone understands that such cruelty must be inflict- 'When I woke up, she would be already there, stretched out on the tow-'~
ed on the.vi~ out of sight o{th~'publkgaze, especially out ofthe el, her head cradled in her brown arms, watching me with eyes gleam-
sight ~f the ho~des off;-reigU1:ourists, wh-;;' chancing to witness such ing with annoyance at my inattentiveness, as if my momentary dozing
arrests and beatings, may carry away with them a less than cheerful showed lack of discipline or fidelity. Yet she was not alone in experi-
picture of our sunny South Mrica. encing these periodic fits of resentment. I, too, was quick to succumb
Having reached my usual spot on the beach, I at once threw myself to feelings of pique at any imagined want of duty on her part. Once or
gratefully upon the white sands and with a thumping heart awaited twice, when she had failed to keep our silent rendezvous, the shock of
the arrival of Veronica, my secret paramour. disappointment I felt had been startling even to myself. A feeling of
In the past, I had sometimes waited for an hour or more before the injury, of having been betrayed, of being stood up, would last all day
slim figure of the girl would make its appearance over the horizon, and all night until the next time I saw her approach the beach with
her brown hair lifting a bit in the breeze. Sometimes she would ap- that careless stride of a child kicking pebbles. Just how clearly she un-
pear suddenly behind me, walking hesitantly past my prostrate body derstood how much I had missed her was obvious the moment she
to cross the small stream that divided her side of the beach from looked at me with that shifting guilty expression of eyes that seemed
mine. She would walk so close to where I lay on the sand I could see to make a plea for forgiveness. At the beginning, she would pretend
the fine pores of her skin on her shaved, gliding legs, smooth like pol- indifference. She smoked. She read her cheap novels with garish
ished wood. I could even sniff the gusts of perfume emanating from covers, but whenever our eyes happened to meet it was obvious even
her body as she sauntered past me, leaving behind a rumour of fra- to her that I was sulking, that I wished her to know it, and she would

98 99
 raise her eyebrows questioningly. But she was also quite evidently a who methodically combed .~anc1§. for abando~d watches or for-
girl with a sly sense of humour. The hint of a smile around her droop- gotten jewelry. From where I sat, huddled up, my arms wrapped
ing mouth indicated, if any further indication were needed, how keen- around my knees, I watched a lone speedboat going by, slicing the
ly she was aware of the suffering her absence had caused. At such water and raising a rush of spray. A saltless breeze was rising above
times, slowly changing her position on the towel, she would give me the slow, drowsy afternoon heat like an alley cat stalking after an
more than an ample view of her luxurious breasts, a view so deliber- inattentive bird. When the clock struck three and there was still no
ately prolonged that I had enough time to note the blue veins that ran sign of the girl, I knew then Veronica would not come that day, and
down to the tips of her nipples, like ore in a gold mine. realising this, a feeling of great desolation came over me as if a door
That morning, waiting for Veronica to arrive, I lay on the white had shut suddenly in my fa:::e, a feeling of such emptiness, such an-
sands of the beach, unseeing like a tormented beast. The sun, which guish and loneliness, that the very sky seemed to turn dark above the
had lain hidden behind a dark cloud, had suddenly emerged to con- horizon. In front of my eyes, as if an invisible hand were stirring up
sume everything beneath it in a slow burning heat like the outbreak the salty wastes, the sea suddenly became very agitated. Waves as big
of a dreadful voluptuous fever. An hour passed. Another hour, and still as mountains came crashinf; onto shore. From the docks the horn of
there was no sign of the girl. From a sea that sparkled like a cluster a loading vessel honked repeatedly, adding its fretful lamentation to
of jewelry under a thin paper sky, the sun was climbing slowly to its the plaintive sounds of the late afternoon. With a sudden, bold de-
zenith, The smallest breeze stirred the fronds of the palm trees, and cisiveness, I plucked myself up from the sands and without any clear
the sea smelled of salt and seaweed. An unfamiliar, unintelligible still- notion of where I was head,~d, I found myself walking rapidly in the
ness interrupted only by the soft lapping sound of water exhausting direction of the aerodrome, traversing a wasteland of sand, rock and
itself against the jutting rocks, rested over everything as though a stu- heaps of industrial rubble, walking across an empty space in the di-
pendous energy was seething underneath but in check. I could hear rection, as I now realised, of the lone green-painted bungalow that
the rapid beating of my own heart as Ilay on the sand waiting like a stood discreet and isolated among a clump of trees and undergrowth.
beast at bay, crouching behind the tall wild grass. However, as the hours If nothing else, I had to catch a glimpse of the English girl.
passed and the unbroken tension of a long wait began to press heavily
upon my nerves I was overcome by a new kind of terror and despair.
Suppose she did not come? How to pass the day? How to sleep at night?
Anxiety gripped my yearning heart like a vice, but for a while longer
. I endeavoured to remain calm.
The big clock at the end of the Esplanade suddenly struck twelve.
I dozed. Woke up. Dozed. When I woke up, it was one o'clock and
still there was no sign of Veronica anywhere. I thought with despair,
remembering the awkward meeting at the tobacconist shop, its sud-
de~ess, perhaps also its unexpectedness, she will not come! She has
taken fright! The crowds of b_~~ers were beginnin&-to leave for the
seafront hotels and restaurants, fo~~~ed in their wake by black boys

100 101
 saw them getting into a snazzy white Porsche, which took off at top
speed in the direction of the docks.
20 "And you saw this as an opportunity to break into a white woman's
bungalow?" Dufre put in. "Surely this was lunacy on your part!"
"527nd how long did you remain then like a condemned man wait- "Perhaps. I don't know. I wasn't myself that day. 1 had never seen her
ing for absolution outside that bungalow?" Dufre asked, watching my with a man before! 1 suppose the shock was too great for me. Like dis-
hands nervously playing with the edges of my prison uniform. My covering your best girl is secretly seeing another man."
recollection of the girl, the fat man who appeared at the door with "Ah, you were jealous?" Dufre breathed, almost a sigh. "Had it ~ev­
her, a cigar hanging loosely from gross, fleshy lips, was as vivid as ifI er occurred to you that you were nothin£..to thi~ girl bur =_shadow
were seeing them that very instant. The moment Veronica came down .;}th which she amused herself? That she had her own lIfe to live?
the wooden steps, followed by that fat white man, and saw me leaning \Vhat's more, that in all fairness she was entitled to a little privacy?"
against the apple tree just outside her gate, she stifled a cry of sur- "To tell the truth, by then we were like lovers. I felt, perhaps un-
prise, but too late. The man followed her gaze, saw me standing there, justly, that 1 had claims upon her as strong as, if not stronger than,
and frowned suspiciously. I heard him say, "What does the kaffir want? those of any other man. "
Do you know him?"
Dufre nodded. "In short, you had become mad! Unhinged!"
And Veronica lied, "Some vagrant native, I suppose. How am I to "1 suppose so."
know every stray native?"
"Go on. So you entered the bungalow. What did you see?"
It was my turn to smile my bitterness. I saw the white man hesitate. "Nothing. An ordinary room sparsely furnished with a bed, a chest
"Everything properly locked up?" He had a thick foreign accent, like of drawers, a wardrobe, a wooden chest. A single shelf lined with
a Greek or a Lebanese.
books, a few unimportant pictures. An airy room. I liked it instantly.
"Oh, come on, Sid!" Veronica said, colouring. "You know 1 have There was a certain unassuming openness about it that was very wel-
nothing of value to steaL" They had reached the gate. Veronica turned coming. But the single dominating feature of that room was the wide,
to stare briefly at me, questioningly, before averting her gaze. F ollow- high bed with its unembroidered white quilt and a pile of soft pillows,
ing her stare, the fat man looked hostile. He shouted, "What do you a comfortable bed with a suggestion of sovereign calm and purity of
want?"
taste that surprised me. A spinster's room in a way. There was no sug-
I stopped leaning against the tree. "Nothing, baas." gestion of disorder. No suggestion that she and the fat man had made
"Well go away from here. The missus doesn't want you hanging love. Naturally, I was apprehensive in case someone had seen me
around here. You hear? Go away or I'll call the police." breaking in, so I did not linger too long in that room. I passed through
"Sid, come on, we're late. He's broken no law," Veronica said im- a small door into the kitchen, where I noticed without too much in-
patiently. Again she turned to look at me quickly with those green terest the shiny pots and pans gleaming against the wall, and, without
eyes of hers, which were constantly opening and shutting in the light stopping, walked past, into the bathroom."
so th:J.~ at times they looked violet, like pure sunset. Saying this, she Dufre waited, the only sign of impatience the regular nervous drum-
started to walk away, followed reluctantly by the fat man who kept ming of his fingers upon the arm of his chair. I was no longer con-
glancing behind to make sure I was following. On the Esplanade I scious of his existence. Once again, I was standing in Veronica's bath-
102
103
 room, that palace of white marble, full of mirrors as if each one was by my own image in the mirror that I heard voices. A dog barked.
there to reflect an aspect of her personality, to confirm her existence. Someone shouted, "Madelaine!" It was a man's voice, harsh, tired, im-
I was standing in the middle of that bathroom, the most private area patient. Listening with a shortened breath, I heard from the back of
of her prIvate life, feeling 60th bond;d;~free, conscious also of a the bungalow footsteps makin g a soft crunching sound on the gravel
horrible kind of duality within me, a perception of the fathomless path. A woman's voice said, "~,hall we go in and see if she is in?" The
depths of my desire. My head was swimming. I was dizzy. To break same male voice said brusquely, "What for? She's told us all we need
through this state of heightened consciousness I had to reacquaint to know about the property." The rest was lost in a confusion of voices
myself with the physical world around me - the sensuous feel of ce- speaking simultaneously, punctuated by the noise of a barking dog.
ment slab beneath ~y feet, the soft white rug, the bright whitewash I waited anxiously until the voices had faded away into the distance
look of the bathroom walls. before I started to move toward the front door.
Then it seemed as if my vision was failing. The bathroom walls be-
gan to wobble, to unqe!"go a chal}Ke U!!ger my ve~yes; they assumed
tlie aspect 01 ~ dre3..!X wpitewas4ed priJ)~Q!1, A peculiar t,rick ofinyeye-
sight! Perhaps. In order to get a grip on myself, I concentrated my
:1
eyes on the toilet objects, trying to keep them apart in my mind. For
what seemed to be a long time, I gazed at Veronica's clothes: at the ny-
lon slips in shades of pink, blue and green. The scanty, elaborately
embroidered bras, the nylon stockings dangling out of the laundry
basket and the lace panties hung on the rail above the shower tap.
On the rim of the sink there was a cluster of toothbrushes, eyebrow
pencils, bottles of perfume, powder puffs, lipsticks. So strong, in fact,
was the impression these objects created of the occupier of the bun-
galow that they succeeded in taking my mind completely off my own
sorry struggle with the nature of my hallucinations.
When I finally turned around, I caught a glimpse of my face in one
of the mirrors. I stared at my image with surprise as though a stranger's
face were reflected there: the face was sharp, bony in fact. A smooth
clean-shaven chin set squarely on a firm neck; and the mouth, some-
what loose and effeminate, had enough of the Sibiya squareness to .1
give the face a look of an aggressive masculinity. My brow was my
father's - heavy, sombre and smooth with a hairline starting back near
the crown of my head. It was the black lustre of the eyes that surprised
me. They were so limpid that for a moment I had the illusion I was
staring into someone else's eyes! It was while I stood there arrested

104 105
 women shuffling belatedly into front rooms, pausing to peer with in-
credulous wonder at the bright carnival of summer being endlessly
21 enacted in the streets. I watched the keen, knife-blade boys with their
arms around the pliant waists oflanguid girls, and middle-aged women
Cf"s>r the next three days I did not gg to the: beaclL. I was determined who stared out of open windows, their rounded breasts tilting out of
tOl5reak the habit of dependence once and for all, and it was clear to flimsy summer dresses. All this throbbing life was somehow good and
me that my interest in the gir~~as ~_lo~g~~a~.:>!~!~~a~er of cu- marvelous, and the goodness in the streets was matched only by the
riosity, a kind of game in which the girl and I were harmlessly engaged. goodtiess of the tk::r1 which hung low, scorching everything to a bawdy
Instead, it had assumed a form of necessi9', threatenin.A.to undermine neon-lit pink. Indeed, the whole soporific atmosphere of summer had
.:ny me~tal s~tfBreakingT~t~ili;girl~ flat:';hl~h c~uid~ have led deepened suddenly into something festive and elemental- a deathless
to my immediate arrest, was the culmination of a process: lack of any pagan energy wide with flesh and movement, which was possibly the
sense of direcE-01}.Llistlessn$§~!l.b.il~W to COl]&.£!!.t:.!1!~> daygreilming. reason my heart ached so much with this absurd longing to see the
I co~ld n~~t!.alh].sLhad~~_p!oEer meal. English girl again.
"""'BefOre coming across the girl on the beach, reading, directed toward It was the end of the third day of my "fast" and already I knew my
no particular purpose save the delectation of the mind, had been one reSiStance had been in vain. The following day I would go to the sea-
of my greatest delights. Now, if! took up a book, I could hardly make sTcle once agam arufwould haunt the neighbourhood of that green-
any sense of it. My mind wandered, and between myself and the per- painted wooden bungalow until I saw the girl emerge or go in; my re-
sonages who peopled the novels I read interposed, uninvited, the lewd, sistance, such as it was, was at an end. Away from the seaside, from the
mocking figure of the girl on the beach, turning over and over on her girl, that is, I felt only more ~c:ute1y the lack of my:, own sense.of worth
spread-out towel or rug. In my mind's eye I could see her white breasts a~ direction. But even more important, I felt about the world in gen-
lambent behind her protective arms. I couldn't drive her out of my er~f;n'innate sense of uselessness very difficult to explain or account
mind. - for. Where, for instance, was I going in this heat? And what promise
Nighttime was the worst time of all. Sometimes to relieve my jan- was there, really, of a good time in the streets? Though a moment be-
gling nerves I roamed the township's streets, past the bus depot with fore I seemed to have been propelled by emotions too fresh and too
market-stall women selling fatcakes by candlelight, past the Indian strong to disentangle, I now felt an inertia creeping back into my
stores on whose shopfronts the young tsotsis hung about like clusters limbs. I felt the physical discomfort as an addition to the already ac-
of motionless flies. The street with its lights, people and movement cumulated, though as yet unassessed, spiritual discomforts of the soul 1
forming a single chain of aimless activity - people everywhere with a as though I had been absorbing the hot stickiness of the humid air
great deal of time on their hands and no idea of what to do with it. through my pores. __
The dark areas of Cato Manor were a little sad now with an empti- On the beach, in the presenc;!;, of tPs~gh1_~h.2.~..h~d :r:~
ness, shadowy and sinister. Yet despite the sordid meretriciousness ~gTh! Wi?~ I always felUharged wi~ an abun~an:, conspi.rato-
of the f!-eighbourhood, there was a great supportive energy to the way rial ~e:rgy. In those moments! life seemeg us:h and sausfyit;;s:. a rruracle
the sweaty streets felt. The people dawdling on the pavements, the of extraordinary beauty and wonder. Even the physical surroundings
children scampering behind the gray iron shacks, the old men and p~~d for me their own unassembled beauty, even a touch of dig-

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 nity. In the stones, in the buildings and recesses of the city there were
mysteries of unweighed intelligences, and white people seemed to me
to have a weight and strength quite unrelated to their potentialities 22
as individuals. Si~ply the fact that they existed in the same world as
the English girl, the fact ~t th~~~!~_~_~e s~ll!~E~~~.!P:::.mts, rode the early next morning I was lying on the beach, watching the fishing
same buses, bre~tlie same air, gave ~:~ share of humanity I boats casting out to sea over calm blue waters against @ that was
would have .~e~c:.9..,th.eI11..z...and I was prepared to forgive them their limpid as the steady gaze of a ~ ingle vast, unblinking eye. Pure also was
lack of significance. the early morning breeze, which carried the fresh odour of salt and
seaweed. Against the hushed humid murmur of the sea, the traffic
noises sounded distant, submerged. The motionless palms, the blurred
city skyline still partially veiled in morning mist, the sombre terraced
houses on the distant hillside, everything, the whole unwaking world,
seemed at peace. All but me. Beneath the sound of the constant drift
and sigh of the waves, a music of metal, struck at intervals from the
loading ships in the wharves, 10ated across the still inanimate air. But,
louder, more plaintive, was the ceaseless chant of my own quivering
heart. The minutes ticked by Watching, hoping, hoping and watch-
ing, there was nothing for me to do but wait. Would she come? I tried
to suppress my agitation, but could not avoid scanning the knoll of
the hill where the English gd invariably came down, walking care-
lessly and dreamily in her daitlty sandals to a place where she was ac-
customed to sunbathe.
At ten o'clock the beach was still as deserted as a vast cheerless
graveyard. Then as if the sea had suddenly been stirred by a powerful
hand, it began to swell and froth, shaking and trembling like a huge
mountain that was constantly breaking up and reforming. At intervals
t h e B broke upon the sho;~e with a roar as elemental as the ~~
~f blood in my own€~~arsh, murderous, deranged.
While I listened to the boom and crash of the sea, I saw the girl
walking down toward the bea,:h in short, mincing steps, like someone
afraid to step over broken glass. She was dressed in a red-and-yellow
flowered off-the-shoulder dress of some soft flimsy material and a
pair of red roman sandals, straps secured far above her ankles, focusing
the eye on the clean sweep of1.er long, shapely legs. Without so much
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 a.s a no.d, s.he~!=Ymbled g~E~ to her favouri~e roosting place near the In my frustration, with nothing better to do than gaze all day at the
~~~th ItScp10cking warning:)BATHING AREA FOR WHITES ONLY. ifl who would stay always bt;:yond my reach l hemmed in and ~
-- HeresIle~first-sprea(rtfie-towel ove~thegro~~~ibefo;en~ncha­ ,:.d by all the rawsili~t keept:lferacesapattmljlfr"{:~ began to
lantly removing her dress to lie down for a while in her bikini, turning plot the ways in which I could attract .her attention without attract-
her body over and over in order to get the full benefit from the sun. ing the attention of the other ~e ba~ who were b~ginning t~
For the first half-hour she ignored me totally. She had brought with accumulate in small groups all over the beach, but who unlike the soli-
her some magazines whose pages she turned over listlessly, with a tary English girti.J.ii:ys kept a s3;fe d1staric~om o~non:wnrte~
bored, discontented look. Occasionally, she stared at the sea as if she I tried everything I could think of: some athletic exercises, a few spec-
saw in it the vision of a Eossible escape, and with her diminished pro- tacular somersaults, perfectly silly contortions, cartwheels, everything
file, the mouth d;a~n inw an i;;'~~~f~~s dropping curve, she had the short of standing on my woolly head in the sands, in order to attract
a.k.Qf someon~.pJ::~2.~~it::p '\\jth tbougQts tl!~j.YI'exe not~IYbe­ the girl's attention. I even dove into the water to execute some des-
ni~. After a little while she got up with the swift resolve of a child perately impossible manoeuvres that would have surely earned a round
who suddenly remembers a game that promises unusual diversion. of applause at any aquatic display. For all the trouble I tqok, I received
Quickly she pulled a swimming cap over her hair and glided toward no more of an acknowledgment than if I had been er orming aru-
the edge of the water where she first tested the temperature by dip- mal in a circu Nothing would move the girl to pay any more serious
ping in her toes and wriggling them fearsomely. After this small dra- attention to my diSEI9' than she did a little later to the antics of a small
matic prologue and without too much warning, she leapt suddenly dog that ran streaking ahead of its master, chasing a rubber ball it
under an incoming wave. went to retrieve rather adroitly when it rolled into the sea. Balked,
She was a good swimmer, bold, swift, confident, but fluid in all her baffled and deflated, I began to reflect that this was the sort of game
movements. As if she were cork, a drifting piece of wood, the water a girl like Veronica knew well how to play. After all, maniQulating mql,
tossed her about. She bobbed up and down, floated, rode perilously even if by affecting this absurdly bored indifference, was her business.
over another incoming wave before she disappeared altogether. VVllere The memory of that fat white man with the blunt, moronic face flashed
she had been there was nothing to see but the calm surface ofa very across my mind. He, too, was the victim of Veronica's whims. I re-
deep blue sea. It was with a mild sensation of shock therefore that I membered Veronica's easy lie in reply to the man's troubled question
suddenly saw her emerge from the ocean, her bronzed limbs glisten- as to whether or not she knew me, "How am I to know every stray
ing with water, very near where I lay sunning myself on the white native who happens to hang around?" She had replied dishonestly,
sands. Very calculated, I thought, with anger, following the animal peevishly, shamelessly. It was a bold lie told carelessly without com-
grace of her lithe figure as she walked back across the little gurgling punction, in the full knowledge that I had no power to contradict her.
stream to her side of the beach without so much as an acknowledg- Girls like her would always get away with murder!
ment of my existence. VVllile I watchedher through the hot glow oilate morning sunshine,
This must end, I thought, something must happen. Her indifference I started to hum an old song to myself. Ifyou don't like my gate, why
wa~ginning to rile me, and I longed to do something odd! unex- do you swing on it! Ifyou don't like my tree, why do you pick my peaches!
pected and foolhardy to smash the fa~ade of proprieg: that enclosed She was still gazing out to sea, still pretending to be unaware of my
us both but that could not release us from our individual torment. ~e, when quite suddenly she began to ease the straps of her bra

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 down from her shoulders, offering as usual a quick tantalising view which were gathered all the gTipping tension of limbs fusing into a
of her round, swollen breasts tipped with brown where the white flesh final sexual embrace. I was startled by the bluntness of her message
formed the succulent points of her nipples. Having finished this op- With her wide, painted, half-open mouth she formed the shape of an
eration, conducted with the self-effacing modesty of a movie star on egg, a zero, an omega. She pouted, she thrust her lip:!.~utwar~!y theu:
parade, she rolled over on her stomach, with the mounds of her in- shape of a kiss, her eyes gleamin~ that a~J~~!~ a
convenient breasts squashed flat under her. Only then, as if to say woman ai:-the'mome~~ oror81:l~IE- P.!~~~:!~l. I, too, abrupt-
"How about that for a quick glimpse", did she cast a swift inquiring ly felt-reT~dfrom my cautious reserve. This was certainly a game
glance in my direction. This mild self-exposure had been for me, ap- two could play. Into tha~::::~~~~~~~~:.:~)~~.!~!Ee she kept held ou~ to
parently. I was convinced of this fact as soon as I saw the merest sug- me from a distance of only fif:een yards, I imagined ~J:self thruStl~g
gestion of a smile hovering around her slack, sensual lips, with that my wet tongue. Insolently, taking my cue from her provocative exam-
insidious but alluring look of random lust. ple, !.E.rojected my tongue th;oug,!"t. ~y own po~~~d li;ps, then inde-
For me it was the signal, that mischievous, sudden twitch of a smile. cently rolled it round and round in a wretched l:qu.ta.t;!2!l of a~al
In that sunburnt visage, calm and distracted, I saw anew a presenti- .QIgall gone[)e~~.l:·Ver(:,~;l,~~ching me keenly, began to move her
ment of my own pain. Transfixed, I watched the quick flare of that hips ever so slowly, like a belly dancer rolling obscenely in response
smiling expression, careless like a matchstick swiftly struck and quick- to the lewd suggestions of an invisible sheik. She moved undulatingly,
ly flung away into darkness, a smile in which was blended in equal indelicately, but also with such incredible subtlety that anyone ob-
measure a certain amount of native cunning and concupiscence. I no- serving us at a distance of twenty yards could not have realised what
ticed the smouldering green eyes, which in a brief twinkle became was going on.
shot with yellow and purple. I stared back defensively, as helpless as She was lying on her side, facing ~~. I, on m>:,.side of the be.:~y
if I had been pierced to the very core of my soul by her steady, ser- .!!.cin~r. As she rolled the muscles of her stomaCll,sl:iekeP~e.r ga~e
pentine gaze. I could do nothing but stare back. I was completely mes- steadily fixed on mine. By now her eyes had become pure hqUld and
merised. The heat itself added to my feeling of nervous discomfort seemed to swim out at me like a pair of moist oyster shells. It was a
without alleviating a growing excitement between us. For minutes on performance to undermine anyone's intelligence. Indecorous, arous-
~nd we stared deliberately into each other's eyes. Obviously, if we could ing, unexpectedly, maliciously tormenting. Beads of sweat broke from
)l1ot"dse woras we could use 10 ~it.!:g:ful ges~s my face, my back was arched like a boar ready to strike. Veronica's
all we ha~. '11.~~~c:?~L~~~ou.!~.~ake love as it soon became ap- mouth opened into a gleamin5" smile of malignant roguish sensuality,
parent. 'Y'~~'<:y'~s, .!!~~~.:1~~£!i.~ili~!· S!~s. With our eyes, during which heLQin¥:...!.Q!!K!:!£f!10ved caressinglJ:: oveL~ bright_fla~­
ing teeth. She kept up her slow rotating-:fi:iCWement in a grave discom-
~t::~.~~~0er's InfideE-~~"~~~.~.f!_rni$~n'_Qfoursepa­
ration, our being artificiaII~part. posing imitation of sexual copulation, a grinding gyrating movement
~~n ofa-suaaen something incredible happened, something of the hips, which brought me to the crest of demented lust. Some-
Veronica had never done before! While she kept her eyes fixed on times her hand brushed an invisible fly from the crotch of her small
:nine, h~r mouth began to move, slowly at first, hesitantly, but later bikini and lingered there for a while before she would start to caress
on more daringly, with the clear intention of arousing an answering herself, again and again, ever so lightly, still rolling her hips, her stom-
response from me. She worked ~e mouth into spasms of c~ition in ach, in a strange trancelike in :iolent movement,..ll~~ sexual.~anc~

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 without parallel. By this time I was nearly delirious! For the first time, not very difficult to tell something untoward had happened. The evi-
the girl was offering her body to me as plainly as if she had uttered the dence was as material as if I had purposefully brought myse,lf? to.t.
words of surrender. A perfect stripper she must have been. It showed climax. That is how it was between Veronica and me. Aparth~ ~e
in the skill with which she touched herself in her unhurried, method- had defe:rted apartheid.JiVe had finally perfected a m~tho.d of making,
ical way, caressing first her arms, then the tips of her breasts, her flat l~without even making contact~ uti..lli.!£f.L~mE~o tele-
stomach, down to her long shapely legs, which she raised, one at a pathic ~ium§ ~xch.ang!ng t~J:i.S mes~ges th.!'0ugh ~e s~
time, her hands as light as a feather, swift in that quivering pagan mo- airwaves.
tion of astounding primitive sensuality, ~he continue_4 to keep
her eyes .~::..~ <?,t.!.!::.'?,~t;w ~ pn~ C!f a lJ!~Skiug.h}lJ"p9,Q.£.gaze.
T~~~~~':?"'::~E.!!!;,~I could no 12E.g-~r .£2!!E.1i.!l t:l).,Sl,tens!£m.
Oh, unnatural Vlces! Oh, vanity of all vanities! The shame and dis-
grace of it! My member had grown absolutely rigid with a weak, pur-
poseless passion. Veronica had already noticed and this seemed to drive
her mad with excitement. When I began to move as well, when both
of us began to move together in a tense, grinding rhythm of un-
,premeditated sexual violence, mobilised by the force of a yearning
Po strong that neither of us h~~~t.!Lth2}l..s:b.!~~~.~~~~~a!~hing or if
s eone was watchin how to ~!21?~~:~=~~!t~~€¥.1lia
\.tomime.9_s~!'J~it:Jl9.Y..ts1IDtac hen suddenly ;omething inside my
head seemed to break like a stogp, something that for too long had
re-mained threatening, an e losion of incalculable force that shook
jDe to the very foundations! Simultaneously, ~~onica uttered a
, sound from her throat like a strangled animal, the wllltes of her eyes
'tUrning upward'lIke~o eggs on";;;ucer, and I saw her body reeling
as if racked by a gigantic tremor. We came together, dragged by our
retching flesh across the space of prohibition and taboo that separat-
ed us. I could see the force ofVerQ..nica's orgasm in the cruel distortio!l
of her face. I could see it in the way she collapsed suddenly on the
towel, clutching her belly and writhing as if trying to free herself from
a cramp that would not release its h'old upon her. Until after what
.~eemed ~ eternity: she la~stillli~crushed animaf,Iier exes chang-
ing colour.
duall , as thou h finally overcome by the sun and the wanton
excesSes of our bestial games Veronica fell asleep. As for me:-rtWas
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 Kakmekaar looked most unhappy at Veronica's eagerness to dwell
on physical details., His purp ose, apparently, was..!2-:eres~m.~e~ t'?~!he
23 Court and the public as the perfC:~!,~!?1 o(~~~~l?uri.ty: mod-
est-~;;;;-tis-a~dbashAiCV~ro:;;-i~a,
, - it seemed, had other ideas, other
9 n court, Veronica Jied. She lied with so much ease with so little ef- preoccupations. She gave the impression of someone who took par-
fort, that my first reaction w;;-;";~-~'rstllImed disb~lief. Even more ticular delight in alluding to the most intimate details of her toilette.
s~rprising w~~h~~·~·;~iiii.k;g;~~e<ai1:(rbea:titi p;;sio~te and myste- VVhile she spoke, building up a picture of intemperate weather, of
rIOUS, so that when she walked into the witness box she looked like a her own sensual agony and physical abandon, the men peered down
E:~mb~g, ro..s~gE.ird, sleek and fine-feathered, her eyes blank. They from the public galleries, several of them struggling fiercely to get a
were WIthout doubt the eyes~.?~ ~.vic~ and they drew naturally around better view of her figure. Ka:anekaar frowned. "Did you not close the
her the angry sympathy of all the white people who crowded into the door after you when you entered the bungalow, Miss Slater?"
public galleries.
Veronica gave a faint smil,;!. "Well, Your Lordships, I was in a com-
She spoke at length of the weather, of her physical paralysis in that plete daze, as you can imagine. I am not normally a very careless
incredible heat. She described in minute detail the clothes she was person about things such as leaving a door open while I am undress-
w~aring, her flimsy undergarments, her understandable eagerness to ing, but I suppose I was too hot really to think. Even the Met Office
slIp out of them. Vividly, painstakingly, she painted an attractive pic- people said it was the hottest day they could remember in twenty-two
ture of her dainty, picturesque bungalow, of its unfortunate solitari- years. Birds were falling off the rooftops. I must've lost any sense of
ness, of her isolation from any form of social intercourse. She spoke modesty." She looked just dlen as if she were preparing to slip out of
of her love of the sea, of its great healing power, of her inextinguish- her clothes again. Such was the power of her magical spell that the
able passion for it. "On the afternoon in question, Your Lordships," more incredible her lies became, the more fascinated I became with
Veronica testified, "I had just returned from a swim at the beach. It her. VVhile she gave her evidence, I never tireq of watchjng this white
was so hot, as I recall, that wh~n I reached my bungalow all I could
w9.!!!an tQ wluun I was tiee! as.muclJ..by a ti~~ue.£!.!5lE.!!~~7~ a~s
think of was how soon I should get out of my clothes, to sort of cool as by ourpainfully interruQted. coit't:\~. Standing in that witness box,
down. Sweat was simply pouring out of every pore of my body. Even calm, lucid, almost joyful in her ability to invent her fictions, she
the clothes I was wearing were quite damp, clinging to my body. I felt looked like a woman eternally consumed by some invisible fire.
absolutely crushed under the weight of the sun. "When I got to my Kakmekaar consulted his notes, flipping rapidly through a number
bungalow, I couldn't even see the steps leading to my door because of pages, each time wetting: his finger before turning the page. He
of the dazzle in my eyes. I remember that as soon as I entered the door paused and looked at the girl. "Did you then fall asleep during this
I began to slip off my clothes," Veronica confided. "I didn't know what time, Miss Slater?" Kakmekaar solicited.
I was doing or anything. I just sort oflet them drop one by one wher- "Oh, yes, I must have done, Your Lordships!" Veronica promptly
ever I happened to be at the moment without bothering to pick them answered. "Most certainly! J must have completely flaked out because
up. ~y ~ress, my bra, my panties. It was so nice and cool in my living I don't remember much of what happened next until I was woken
room I Just flung myself on the bed exactly as I was, completely in up by a noise of something moving about the room. I thought I was
the raw,"
dreaming! ~enly theI:e...)'la~ thjs native standi~IL~!'<.!!!t..~~2..J. his
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eyes looking sort of wild and crazy. At first I didn't know what to of nod before continuing. "Well, Your Lordships, I could see the na-
think. Was I seeing things or what? Well, honestly, I couldn't believe tive was getting quite excited by now, his breath was coming out in
it! Horror of horrors! There I was, stark naked, in the middle of this short gasps as ifhe had been running a long time. For the first time
vast unmade bed and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a native man I was really scared. My throat felt completely dry. I was very much
was staring down at me as ifI were a piece of mutton or something! aware that I was in great danger and this was confirmed to me when
I was so shocked I didn't even have time to think to cover myself!" the native suddenly became threatening. By this time he had his hand
Veronica was an accomplished storyteller, with a considerable grasp wedged firmly between my legs. When he saw I was about to scream
of human psychology. Evidently she possessed an instinctive know- he shoved me down and yelled in my face, 'Don't make a sound, or
ledge of what constituted audience appeaL A lively sense of timing, an I'll kill you!' Those were the very words he used. He had something
ingenious and subtle faculty for creating suspense, and, when the oc- in his hand which looked like a knife and I was convinced he meant
casion demanded it, an adequate preparation of her audience for what he said."
scenes of great climactic power were part of her virtuosity. As a nar- Veronica was a fantasist by natu£e. In that witness box she was bril-
rator, she was quite simply magnificent. As a living example, the bru- liant, dazz.Ib.,.g:the voI;~-ha~~hlYmetallic and mellifluent by turns; her
talised victim of male lust, she was superb. In her presentation of the shuddering white flesh seemed to undulate before our very eyes. Once
so-called facts relating to our monumental carnal struggle that after- again I surrendered to that vision of the girl on the beach, moving her
nooninthe desperate seclusion of her bungalow, she was wildly, out- lips in perfect rhythm to mine; I heard again the stifled orgasmic cry
rageously inventive, garrulous, inexhaustible. The judges, the lawyers, like the strangled whimper snatched from the back of the throat of a
the black and white spectators in the public galleries were visibly stirred dying animal. I was also enchanted by the intense expression on her
by the vision of a lonely desperate white woman menaced by grave face, which resembled the passionate absorption of an artist in a mo-
dangers. The atmosphere in the dimly lit courtroom was one of hushed ment of self-creation.
expectation, interrupted only by the buzz of prurient excitement when "Did this native male say what he wanted from you, Miss Slater?"
Veronica's description of her sexual violation became too graphic to Kakmekaar's voice seemed to come from a distance, soft, languid, ca-
pass without at least a murmur of surprise. joling. "I mean, did he seem to you like someone looking for a job,
"I tried to scream, of course," Veronica remembered, I thought perhaps?"
rather belatedly. She repeated the words as someone might do who Veronica first looked surprised at the question. Then she looked
had stumbled on an interesting insight. "I tried to scream but no sound immemorially solitary, abandoned, exceptionally ill-used. "Oh, no,
came out of my mouth. The whole thing was simply beyond the wildest Your Lordships!" she retorted. "Far from it. A job was the last thing
nightmare. Even now my skin crawls when I think of it! There I was, he was looking for! I know because I asked him what he wanted from
absolutely dazed by heat, and when I wake up, there is this native me and he didn't even bother to answer. I said, 'What do you want?'
running his fingers over my body, caressing my skin like a great mu- very frightened by now, and the native just looked at me and grinned.
sician playing on the strings of a violin!" It was a ghastly grin like the grimace of a wild animal and he just kept
A few individuals who found this image unexpectedly diverting snig- on touching me, playing with one of my breasts, feeling me up. I'll nev-
gered under their sleeves. "Silence in Court!" a court orderly yelled. er forget his eyes. They looked as if they were about to pop out of his
In acknowledgement of this timely intervention, Veronica gave a kind head. His throat was moving as if he was finding great difficulty in

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F.
 swallowing. At other times he ran his tongue hungrily over his ashy mopped his brow repeatedly with a handkerchief that was already soak-
lips, sort of smac1cing a bit as ifhe couldn't believe his luck." ing with sweat. "Let me finally ask you this question, Miss Slater,"
At this point, Veronica suddenly paused as if unable to go on, until Kakmekaar sighed wearily. "The defence will attempt to persuade this
Kakmekaar spoke again encouragingly. "Go on, Miss Slater. I know Court to believe," Kakmekaar said indignantly, referring to my lawyer's
this whole incident must be extremely distressing to you, but you've preliminary remarks in his opening statement, "that you, Miss Slater,
got to tell their Lordships what happened." were acquainted with the accused, that, in fact, your conduct led the
"Well, after this everything was a nightmare. The native started to native accused to believe that you welcomed his attention; indeed, that
undress himself. When I realised what he was preparing to do, I was you, Miss Slater, invited this ghastly attack upon yourself. What would
so frightened I began to shake like a leaf! I pleaded with him not to you say to that?"
do anything. I told him he could take anything from the house, only "That is a wicked lie!" Veronica replied stiffly, turning her gaze im-
to leave me alone. And, of course, by this time I was sobbing and t passively upon the dock where I sat, astonished by her instant unhesi-
don't know what else, pleading with him to please take anything at tating denial. When our eyes met for a brief second, Veronica's gaze
all but to leave me alone. To my absolute horror, the native responded did not falter, did not waver. A minute later, she looked appealingly
by pulling out his huge black thing, sort of rubbing it gleefully with at Kakmekaar, whose very face seemed to ridicule any suggestiQJ.L
the palm of his hand, getting it ready for action, I suppose; well, my however slight, that a white woman could ever enter into sexual com-
blood just froze into ice. I must've vomited then. Everything sudden- plicity with a native. The ju(lges, too, looked distressed by the allega-
ly became completely black! I couldn't bear the idea of him shoving that ti~n. Visiblx: ~mboldene~:..~s: ~~ns of white solidarit)] Veronica
thing inside me! But there was no stopping him then. Slobbering and concluded on a confident note. ny6ur Worship, I have never set eyes
frothing at the mouth, he was practically throwing himself about on upon this native before. It'~ quite possible, of course, that he might
top of me, forcing my legs apart, pushing and pushing! Oh, God, it was have followed me around without my being aware of it. Your Lord-
just horrible!" Veronica shuddered, then cradling her head in her arms ships, I am not in the habit of studying the face of every native who
she slumped over the witness box, sobbing uncontrollably. It was a crosses my path!"
magnificent performance. A number of white men rose as if preparing "Just so, Miss Slater! Just so!" Kak:mekaar responded encouraging-
to leap over the public galleries in order to get at my black carcass, ly. The folds of flesh beneatll the prosecutor's sleepy eyes were puffed
but they were shoved back to their seats by vigilant court orderlies. up like swelling dough, emphasising the funeral pallor of his face. "So
There were mumbled cries of'Jou vuil bobbejaan! You dirty baboon!" you deny ever having seen this native male hanging around on the
Others were crying, "Lynch die donderse kaffer!" beach where you were accr.stomed to bathe?"
This story, only a grain of which contained any truth whatsoever, "I deny it!"
was received with stunned silence by the Court. Even Kakmekaar "You deny ever having e):changed a single word, Miss Slater, a sin-
seemed completely overwhehned by the enormity of my crime in de- gle look, of having offered any form of encouragement that might
filing the body of a white woman with such ruthless violence. Gazing have led the accused to -?"
at Ve:r:onica, the fat prosecutor seemed paralysed for a while by the She never allowed Kakmekaar to fi rus, . h "I deny It.
. I" sh e sal"d res-
extent of that girl's ordeal at the hands of a native violator. When he olutely, decisively, without the slightest hesitation in her voice. I was
finally shook himself from the powerful vision of incarnate evil, he amazed. Her lying, which was done with such a marvellously cool au-
120 121
 daci~, had the sam~ fascination for me that the most brazen display continent?" Justice De Klerk made the question sound like an indict-
of evIl and corruption can sometimes exert on even the most Con-
riIent. The interpreter, who was standing next to me supposedly in
~rmed saint and believer. Again I was struck: by how stunningly beau- order to translate what was being said, looked crestfallen. I took the
tI~1 she. looked in her knitted white dress and white coat and sloppy, opportunity to save him from further embarrassment by leaning over
wIde-brImmed hat, tilted at an angle over one eye. A vision of purity
the dock and whispering into his ear, "Ama-orgies, mos, kulapha be-
e.ven more beguiling for having been tampered with, as the prosecu-
diana khona abelungu, beganga bonke! Bephuzana nangemlomo njenge-
tion was now alleging. But beneath the brim of that sloppy hat, what
zinjaJ"
was visible of the girl's face was abnormally, translucently white. The
The interpreter at first looked flabbergasted. Quite likely he sus-
eyes were ringed by dark circles of torment and fatigue as if she had
pected that I was playing him an unseemly joke. He looked. a:ound
not slept very well the night before. Nevertheless, throughout the
him hesitantly as if to appeal for aid. Then presumably decldmg to
cross-examination, her calm stoicism and regal poise had remained
throw all caution to the wind, he gave the Court a wide foolish grin
absolutely indestructible. As I remember now, only once when she
and then stood facing the African gallery. "The big baas asks if the
narrated the distressing circumstances of her body's violation had the
madam was in the habit of visiting a certain house where everyone
voice dropped so low that Kakmekaar, in spite of his unfailing gal-
ate and drank everyone else, copulating like dogs as if there was no
lantry and solicitousness, had been obliged to urge the witness to put
tomorrow!" He finished, clicking his tongue, and from the galleries to
more effort into her answers. "Speak up, Miss Slater, speak up," he
the left the Africans gave a collective murmur like a slow buzz of many
had encouraged her, "so that their Lordships can hear what you have
disturbed bees. The women pressed their infants closely to their bos-
say. Di~~':l~:v~e_r_a!_~!:lE.1E..<:..p~:tiCiP~ orgies that
to
oms as if they feared such talk might affect them adversely in later life
~;eferCce !l~g~ook place in a certaIiJ. house in Norwo~
th
in some yet undetermined way.
~"Veron~tesi Iiint ofilsntile curved "You deny ever having participated in any such orgies, Miss Slater?"
her upper lip: "What sort of orgies? I have never participated in any
"Your Lordship, I feel quite insulted at even the suggestion!"
~rgi~s in my whole life." Although I had adequate knowledge of Eng- "Just so, Miss Slater! Just so!" Kakmekaar repeated complacently.
lIsh, It was the unalterable law of the South African courts that when-
"Indeed, Your Lordships, it is our submission that the entire sugges-
ever a native stood trial, an interpreter had to be provided in order to
tion that the Complainant has been associated in any way with such
translate into an African language the minutest details of the proceed-
sordid practices is an unworthy attempt by the defence at character
ings, but in this instance the African brother who made the most valiant
¥empts .~o rende~_~to my nativ'eZulu tongue alI that was ~t:~~d
assassination. It's a complete fabrication, an attempt by the defence

~~~~~':pe?~ilFc;,U1~.
to besmirch the character of a young woman who has not only suf-
'I lie tangled web of erotic per- fered physical assault of the most distasteful kind at the h~nds of a
ver~ wovenmtothe evidence soon became too much for him to com-
#,1fe nd, let alone translate into another language. "Orgies?" the in- native sex maniac, but who from now on must carry the stigma and
psychological scars such an assault is bound to leave on a sensitive
terpreter repeated uncertainly. "Your Lordship, there is no word for
'orgies' in the Zulu la~age." - - - - nature."
Even for Max Siegfried Miiller, a man with a normally equable tem-
"Good gracious, man! Are you trying to tell this Court that your
per, this imputation of deviousness and foul play was t~o much t~ b~ar.
JC.:.ople had never heard 0 orgzes efore the w Ite man came to . is
122
~- - ---- Before the judges could intervene, Muller was on hIS feet, fhngmg

123

7
 aside the prosecution charges, making counter-accusations of his own. seemed to be reduced to a numbed inertness. Then E,andemonium
In a voice tinged with disdain, he lashed out at Kakmekaar and his broke loose. Aloud incredulous murmur rose from the galleries: Mul-
underlings until the fat prosecutor, looking like an aroused tousle- l;r, Kakmekaar, the judges, they all began talking at the same time.
headed friar, stumbled to his feet, vainly protesting his innocence. The ladies and gentlemen of the press, like a pack of hyenas roused
Muller was not to be silenced so easily. ''Your Lordships, My Learned
from insensible stupor, dashed from their seats to the door in a col-
Friend is the last person to instruct us in the ineffable ways of virtue.
lective stampede, howling and jostling one another for first place at
T~e conduct of the police and the prosecution in this case has been the telephones. Doubtless tht: headlines for the evening dailies were
noffiing short of~andalous. Improper pressure on the witnesses, in-
already in the making: RAPED ENGLISHWOMAN TOOK PART IN
e licable disappearances of files, and eXhibits ot extremely vitaI im-
ORGIES, ADVOCATE ALLEGES! Another headline, which I saw only
portance to e e ence case -these have been the marked features
a week later, even contrived 1:0 suggest a link between the so-called
of this case! By adopting these 'back-alley' methods, the prosecution
is clearly hoping to intimidate us!" rape and the wild Norwood parties. WHITE WOMAN RAPED AFTER
ORGIES, DEFENCE ALLEGES.
At last Mr Justice De Klerk, a frail figure in oversized scarlet robes
joined the uproar. "Mr Miiller, I won't have these unseemly exchange;
between counsel take place in my court." CThe story I told to the cO~E~.the j!!'?J~:e and his assessors w~~._~s­
sentially th~ ston:J hay~ .lle~!l t~llingl1ere oft and .on; the same
"If the Court pleases," Milller surrendered with surly displeasure.
story I later told to Emile Dufre, to my mother, to my frlen?S and my
After a brief silence, ChiefJustice De Klerk demanded further clari-
relatives. But in telling and retelling it to the court I found In the end
fication. "Mr Muller, are you intending to lead evidence linking this
that the whole thing had become somewhat garbled, confused. It had
witness with certain alleged practices at an address in Norwood?"
lost any clear logical outlin;2 had become a story without any ap-
''Your Lordship, let me make this clear. We would have preferred to
parent shape or form, like a modern novel whose plot resembles the
spare the Court these unsavoury revelations, but, frankly, the sancti-
shapelessness of emotion itself. In such novels~ things happen but ~e
monious attempts by the prosecution to elevate the character of this
causes remain unclear. The ending is often said to lie concealed m
~omplainant to one of almost mystical piety and stainless spirituality
the very beginning, but ~scover in what this beginning <;;?~?~s~.s ~s
IS such patent humbug that we have no choice but to produce witness-
not such a simple matter, beJieve me. Dufre ought to know. Smce his
es who will testify, not only to the truth of the allegations we have
arrival in the country, he ha~i been trying without noticeable success
made, but witnesses, My Lords, who will provide sufficient evidence
to trace the origins of what he is pleased to call the "pathology of my
in the form of films and other photographic exhibits showing beyond
condition" .
any doubt that far from being the irreproachable incarnation of virtue
. On the last day, the day of judgement, I had walked into the crowd-
and unsullied cfias-tny,=,-:ffi:L:e-:C,.;co-=m"::'"p""":1'a7in-'an'--t:-hr a-s-br-ee-n---a""""rr.....:.eq...u:.e:.:n:.::.t..:.:partiCi_
ed court surrounded by a host of armed guards, thy mind blank and
pant in perversions of the most iiidescn6a6rellat:\.ire: -
curiously detached as though I we~~o ~E:..~~_0.::_:!E?.E ~,~~~
'ivter ffiat, the uproar was u~believable!ftwas a-little before lunch
life of someone el~. Tne" same feeling of detachment, I suppose, that
break when Max Siegfried Muller made this unexpected intervention.
~sessed me during that last unintelligible encounter with Vero-
For one second, a deep crushing silence descended upon the court-
nica in the bungalow, the same blank, stupid gaze I imagine with which
room, a single moment in which the major players in this sordid drama
I had regarded the prostrate figure of the girl on her high brass bed.
124
125
 iIavini. been pushed, or half jostled into the dock, I dropped down fined too long in a tight khaki uniform. It could be discerned in ~e
coarse red ~ in the eyes in which a masSIve monumental brutality
on ~e bench, stared impassively at the crowded court until I caught
slumbered like a cro~g beast, ready to spring. Even tIle judges
a glimpse o~~e sto~ped, stuml:rling §.g}!re of !ll.Y.!!l~r approachi'ng
in their scarlet robes, gloomy-faced, hawk-eyed, constantly leaning
from 'tIiecIoor, a~~eaQY in black mo~ing.slmhes, covered up in a
forward to catch the minutest inflection in the voices of the lawyers,
blanket. With her were the thre;-a~ts and two younger uncles who
had n-.aveled all night from Eshowe to be present during the last day of conveyed this i~E.ression of bloodthirstines!, having abandoned any
the trIal. Each uncle flanked the bowed figure, each had given her an pretence of their former expansive generosity. Only Kakmekaar ap-
arm for support, peared in a new light, profoundly self-possessed, even meditative.
Contrary to his former blustering tactics, he now contrived to look
As the small band led by the redoubtable Ma-Mlambo advanced
slowly from outdoor sunlight into the lamplit gloom of the vast court- inexpressibly bored. To the end, l8!~*-!lar was playing the game
room, ~~ted how each fac~, l~oke~:..?lerr:nIl!J~ainfu1'!y bewildered,
almost as rrea~ been called upon without notice, with-
o,ut justification, JO stand trial for the vile crime of .!.!Ee. I found the
---
with consummate skill.
Two days before, the corpulent state representative had presented
a different face to the public, more ferocious, more bitingly contemp-
tuous. Once or twice, while I tried to describe Veronica's unorthodox
sl~ht of my mother in such obvious distress particularly moving; but
behaviour, her provocative exhibitionistic self-displays, Kakmekaar
~, too, was the knowledge that is was my behaviour, mz outlandish
had swiveled round in his chair to share his incredulity with members
l~t and ambition, that was responsible for tbesepeople's immense
confusion and distress. --'- of the public. Once, when I offered the view during the cross-exami-
. I ~ iZ<;.:a<;:~i'~~~ the gorgeous panoply of a South African nation that I thought Veronica had derived unusual gratification from
being observed by a native without her clothes on,~ had
~co}lrt: thQnOdK ceYemony, the pretence, the play-acting. South Africa
roared his contemptuous disapproval. "You think a white madam can
IS. a country in wh}ch .e~~i~~..E~~':s_ b,e!!n tampe~d
feel flattered by being gazed at by a baboon..!~,!::."you!" The judges,
~th, debased, even reverseq. A country where truth, fairness and
c~nscious to the very end of their duty to a certain conception of jus-
r.!!~animi!y have been chuck~d out of the window, and only the shell
of intricate procedure remains; a coun~ry of the-memory of empty tice, however vague and abstract, had murmured warningly, "Mr Kak-
. al ,0f "Milor,d" "'T. mekaar! Mr Kakmekaar!" Only my defence lawyer, Max Siegfried
ntu I..our H onour"; a coUntry of "My Learned Friend
Miiller, his memories of German concentration camps still intact,
is pleased to cite the case of Neville vs. Kumalo, but what about Chief
appeared controlled, solemnly measured in speech, disgusted ~~t not
Justice Sommerville's ruling in the case of Gubase vs. Lavabo?" Ele-
J[ant form, gorgeous ceremony, empty ritual. It is all that remains to surprised by all the pantomime of crime and punishment. .
At times I felt quite alone up there in the dock, surrounded by hos- .
haunt tIie memory of those who grew up 'm better times, when the
tile white f~Ylhe1J1.aclZones, a lamb being prepared for:'
~ction of impartial justice toward black and white was still vigorously
slaughter. People drifted in, the orderlies moved about in creaking.
maintained. Now all that is over and forgotten, for something has
shoes, heads, turned my way without warning, frequently came to-
~laced this passion for justice with an eerie, faintly barbarous and
gether in muffled gossip, which carried right across the well of the
oppres~ive atmosphere. That combination of barbarity and oppres-
court. Above all, there was the white, searing light which filtered
s~ld be detected in the ve:r atmospherecl" the court proceed-
through a side window of the courtroom, a light strong enough to
~~s, a sciRlllg,Tetiaalr or violence iet "Off by d~mp, rancid flesh con-
127
126
 dazzle the eyes. It was only the light that had seemed to relieve the
extremely cool, radiant, unblinking, looking, in fact, as sweetly invio-
glo.o~ of the court, but now it seemed suddenly menacing, powdery late as a freshly blossomed flower. Steady, luminous, her skin shed-
:vhite m :m unnan:ra~ way. It was an accursed, pestilential light, lack- ding lustre as brilliant as the r.oonday light, she seemed to be beyond
I~g. the. rIch, nourIshmg velvety density of darkness itself. Veronica, the profane touch of sensual appetite.
sIttmg m the front row, her h:mds folded neatly upon her straight lap, "Mr Sibiya, tell His Lord~:hip'" Muller patiently prodded. "Did
~ppeared to be wrapped up m this harsh devilish light. She looked you rape this lady, whom y01:. heard just now described as the help-
l~a ghost shut up in the friendless glow of a satanic eternal white less victim of a brutal assault;'" I tried to respond but could think of
!!.~K.._? ~h~tom produced by my own unreleased nightmares now nothing to say. The tongue sel!med to cleave to the roof of my mouth.
ce~m to brmg about my ruin. I remember being called upon to stand, Well, had I raped the girl or r.ot? "What in God's name had happened
~emg urged to swear to tell the truth, nothing but the truth, and hear- during that fateful afternoon when, having followed the girl from
mg a man I co:uId ~ot see, an English-speaking white man, bellowing the beach to her small bungalow on the edge of the industrial waste-
at the top of his VOIce across the vast silent courtroom, "Bloody rapist lands, I had observed this girl calmly standing in the centre of the
kaffir bastar?' "Why not cut off his filthy black dingus, the rotten swine!" room as though arrested in the middle of a profound thought. Once
CommotIOn follo~ed this outburst. Perhaps fearing a sudden out- having entered her bungalow, half deranged and seething with a
break of unexpected Vlolence, a clutch of white orderlies moved quick- voluptuous fever, how had I :ome to lose my senses so nearly com-
ly toward the vague figure in dark blazer and gray flannels. Flailing pletely that indifferent to d.e thought of neighbours or the ever-

!!corr:e
hands shot out, a scuffle ensued, the judges issued their warning. At watchful police, I had lain ha::1ds on the body of a white woman with
. !~~t by a feelin like nausea, m mind strugglin fiercel but whom I had not ~xchangedm;Dre than half a dozen words in the d<:or-
m
'.. 7 po ntly m th~ arm of tha .te mist I could no longer make way of a tobacco shop? Only the girl, Veronica herself, could have
out w at was g~m~ on. By now I was in the grip of a dread so deep supplied the missing links in my faulty and, no doubt, hopelessly af-
and ~verwhelmmg It was no use trying to keep my mind on the pro- fected memory. Nevertheless, it was just this girl who could not now
ceedmgs. "Why not let events take their course? Let the mind d 'ft be trusted, who had managed to weave a web of fiction so complete-
h
were ' WI'II .
It rI ly divorced from the truth that, paradoxically, it seemed the more
."While I stood clutching at the edges of the witness box I was con- credible for being entirely a work of a diseased fabulist imagination,
SCIOUS of Max Siegfried Muller standing by my side, gentl~ urging me After all, just because it was so completely a work of fiction, it was
to ,~elI the court ,~hat happened. "Tell their Lordships everything," also the least likely to offend the intelligence of our seasoned judges
Mul1e~ plead:d, exactly how it happened, Mr Sibiya. Don't be shy." who yearn for the kind of evidence that fits their prejudices. "What
As ChlefJustIce De Klerk himself had already pointed out this was right-thinking judge, for example, could believe that, in a country
the ~at moment, ~fter ~11, when I had to speak up for mys~lf~ when
like ours, a white woman in full possession of her senses could take
I ?ad to create the rJghUmpr.essian.J;h~ ll]Q.Q1ent when I had to vin- off all her clothes while bein g observed by a black stranger; and that
.?lcate myself; "'" how could I make the judges or anyone e se e e having taken off her clothes in the presence of this black man, this
r
e ~h.en. no Ion er knew what to e leve myse. ere was e
same girl could continue tc lie naked and untroubled on the bed
while the man, who was no doubt preparing to violate her, stood
English grrl I was supposed to have violated, ca y sitting in the front
gazing down at her outstretched body? The whole thing was simply
row of a court that was solidly packed with spectators, a girl looking
incredible.
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129
 In court that moming, during both my main evidence and the cross- the chairs, and beyond the door leading into the sunlit kitchen, the
examination, I went over the same old ground again and again, urged bathroom with the gleaming rail of steel upon which hung her shee~­
on by the judges, by Kakmekaar the prosecutor, by the defence. I ex- est nylon underclothes. Tense, breathless, unable to ~till the r~pId
plained how after the tumult of our mock copulation on the beach, beating of my heart, I followed the girl's movement h~e a man m a
I had followed the girl across the yellow sand dunes, up the 'small daze, yet remained firmly rooted to the ground on which I stood.
beach path to the main road that runs from north to south; and hav- Still within view, Veronica dropped her beach bag on the floor and
~ng crossed it, I.had traversed the empty wasteland behind the glid-
sat for a moment on the edge of the wide bed, rocking up and down
mg figure, keepmg steady pace behind her soft-flowing movements, like someone testing the durability of the springs for some dark pur-
each step more fateful than the one before, until she turned into the pose. Using one foot against the heel of the other, she kicked off her
gate of the green-painted bungalow set against a clump of trees. I re- shoes. Then she became animated, as though she had suddenly thought
member the weather was magnificent that day. It was quite breath- of something very interesting to do. I watched her pass fr~m the li:-
taking to behold the dark nervous shimmer of sun upon the dark fo- ing room area into the kitchen, only to reappear munchmg a f~lt,
liage the pale air rising blond and dazzling as though a million whose oozing slimy juice dripped down the side of her mouth .lIke
needles scattering through the air. I had an intense conviction that dark stains of wine, forcing her to pass the back of her hand sWIftly
the girl was aware of being followed. More than once she had turned across her liquid red lips.
She paused, scanning the front yard as far as the gate. Throughout,
round to favour me with one of her mocking mischievous glances.
her movements were languid, weary, sullen, as though zeal and devo-
When she finally entered the gate, mounting each step as if she were
tion to her body had become too much even for her, who all day long
climbing the very cross upon which she would yet be crucified, there
did not seem to have anything to do but minister to its needs. After
had been in her movements, in her smooth sun-soaked limbs, the stag-
all, eating, swimming and sleeping seemed to constitute the exact hori-
gering hesitant weariness of someone ready to collapse at the very first
zons of her day's activities. These activities included, I suppose, her
moment she found something upon which to sit or lie.
Having let herself into the room, she did not immediately shut the prodigious lovemaking, for in my fantasies about the girl I imagined
her lovemaking to be frantic, tireless, indefatigable. Frequentl! I
door. From where I was standing near the front gate I had a view of
thought of the fat Greek, of the house in Norwood, and the pmk
almost the entire front room, of the big double bed on one side and
naked shapes moving perpetually against the lighted wi~dow. Sh~, the
the chest of drawers in the further corner, of the large mirror that
centre of my desire, the focus of all my eternal longmg, my lll~X­
occupied the empty space above the chest of drawers and the small
table with a bowl of freshly cut flowers on it. The windows and the haustible passion, was now standing before me, one h~nd on o~e hip,
the other hip thrust outward in an outrageous, tormentIng self-display.
curtains were thrown open and a macabre ghostly white light seemed
About to turn away, she 'suddenly caught sight of my dark immo-
to pour into the room, emphasising the narrow area of light from
bile figure leaning against the rickety gate, gazing at her.with all the
that of the immense, brooding shadow. Even from that distance I felt
suppressed, irrational violence of my long-pent-up deSIre. Even at
the hot, sticky intimacy of the room as though I myself were moving
that distance she seemed to feel the concentrated force of my now
about in it. Struggling to reconstruct what I remembered of the in-
fully aroused passion. Her body changed its posture, lost its calm
side of that bungalow from my recent break-in, I tried to picture in
breathless purity, became rigid. For a few seconds we gazed at each
my mind's eye the disposition of every object in the room: the table,
131
130
 galow, surrounded by dense trees, a naked white woman st~od in the
other, the distance between the door and the gate suddenly filled with
middle of her room in a mindless careless pose wrapped up ill a shawl
such throbbing, aching desire that it was all that the girl and I could
of light. She was like a burning flame, something of the devil placed
do to remain where we were.
there to lure me to my perdition. But such sweet alluring there never
At long last, Veronica turned as if to go, but she did not shut the
was to behold! Soft curves, lonl~' tapering legs, a gold-tinted face. Parts
door. I noticed she was doing something with her hands; in the in-
of her flesh were smooth and glowing, giving the surface of her skin
tense daylight heat of the little room, her naked anus were raised and
the shocking immediacy of a recently completed painting, pigtnent
she was fumbling with pins in her hair, which was falling down in
still fresh and vivid on the cawas. With her slim hands she cupped
shining cascades over her smooth shoulders.
her breasts as though in their solemn rounded solidity they needed
Then, all at once, she did something else that startled me so much
some form of support, then she pressed them together like two pieces
tha:, blinking incredulously against the dazzling afternoon sunshine,
of rubber before stepping ova to the bed where she lay on top with
I did not at first believe my eyes were seeing properly. Swiftly, as
~ough moved by an impulse that had to be obeyed without ques- nothing to cover her.
A pang shot through me; nausea seared my throat. I gulped for air.
tion, her face once more turning toward the door, she unllOoked her
I swallowed. Sweat like morning dew broke from my brow. I know I
dress. The dress dropped in a heap around her ankles. Left only with
should have fled that bungalow and that girl before~~ap­
h~r bra and pan~es, she simply moved aside as if trying to avoid step-
pened, but I did nQt. Like a ri;;er in flood, myI~pt me off toward
pIng on somethIng. I have a clear memory of that exact moment of
that half-open door, toward th,~ room in which the girl lay like a watch-
the dead weight of flesh on my bones, the feverish beat of the bl~od
fullioness ready to pounce. As though in a trance, I was running up
at the. to~ of my skull. Outside, the air smelled of stale perfume, a
those steps, hurrying toward the door and the now temporarily in-
combInation of damp heat and melting tar.
~le I was trying to recover my surprise at this incredible display, visible body.
When I entered the room the English girl half rose from her vast
the gtrl began to undo her bra! Like the magnificent stripper that she
bed, uttering a small cry of surprise as befits a solitary woman who
was, Veronica's hands were quick, nimble. Through the diaphanous
finds herself suddenly confronted with a strange man in her room; to
haze of vibrating light I saw her half-nude body moving in a pale
say nothing of a white womaJ. who, naked as a newborn baby, wakes
cloud that seemed to envelop her flesh like a tangle of hands caress-
to find a native male staring :lown at her vulnerable white body. Yet
ing a nymphomanic goddess. Having flung her bra aside with the
gliding mo~ements of a panther she began to slide out ofh~r panties.
the girl's cry was not really one of alarm. It was too perfunctory for
that. She did not get off her bed and she gave no sign of wishing to
Moment~nly, I had to shut my eyes to steady my vision against what
do so. Instead, she lay on her back, staring up at me with her slanted
I was obliged to see. Veronica was standing in the middle of the floor,
green eyes in which Lthought I saw fear struggling with the ~t
. as naked as on the day-shewas~:lJieoaQt1iing, wilen I wnk of
nnow, is that seeing a naked white female body for the first time impulse of a curious but random lust.
Nowa breath from her sEn came to me like the hot peppery smell
was not in itself as provocative as I had imagined it would be. It was,
of volcanic lava and brought back to me all the forgotten memories
rather? the invitation implicit in the gesture that endowed the act of
of dank, cloistered childhooc odours, the milky scent of my mother's
Vero~ca's disrobin~ with a peculiar erotic fo~e, which passed through
breasts, the warm damp smelJ of crumpled bedclothes. Casting a quick
me With the glancIng sharpness of a knife blade. In that small bun-
i
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\
 glance at the girl's face, I thought I saw in it a wild despair and some-
That was all. No speech, no pleas, no exhortations. Not :ve~a
thing else too - a hot eagerness for what was im,E9ssiple to give a
scream to warn me off, although at one stage, while I was attempt-
~e. At the moment when I knelt down beside her prosttaw~b~dy, ing to achieve penetration, we rolled off the bed toge~er onto the
~es looked yearning and melancholic as though in the move- floor, the girl grappling with my belt, aiding and abettmg that final
ment OfiIiemeiCSfShadoWS'h""(tsawa sub~nd of power she could
entry into the windless harbour. When I entered her narrow cunt, I
not yet acquire for herself. In all that time, neither of us had spoken.
felt as if I had blundered into a dark secret room full of old forgot-
Her mouth was open, and in the droop of her chin there was an edge
of a lingering dissatisfaction. ten treasures. She was hot, wet, already salivating down there. But the
touch of her flesh had a raw, newer quality than anything I could re-
~ized her -then, seized her roughly with a long-stoked-up violence member. At the smallest contact with her skin, I was aware of some-
that was a halfway house of love, murder and rape. I even enjoyed
thing within her, an enormous vibrating sensation, whic~ seeped
the swift mobile look of fear that shot across her face, but there was
through my own limbs and made them seem to possess a weIght that
also i~th<:: 9.S?,~.~_~f heE, <:!Y<;!8.JLP!!!:£!se _e~fi~t. She moaned was entirely novel to me. I could feel the skin stretched tight ~ver ~y
softly. I thmk she actually believed I was going to strike her. But I
bones, my hair tightened around my skull, and an odd sensat1~n lIke
didn't~e h~r. Instead, £ran ~J!~E-and thro~ her hair, an electric shock passed through my body. My breath was commg out
down the sIde of her body, exploring its many planes and curves as a
forced and wheezing, as though a heavy load was pressing down on
man does who is trying to find a way through some unknown and dif-
ficult territory. Then I lost control altogether! No longer able to con- my chest. . . ,
Veronica, I remember, made love With her eyes Wide open, the ViO-
tain my passion, lfu.~ myself hungrily, gttiltily kissing her mouth,
let pupils glinting with a surprised triumphant light as we moved to-
~~r face, ~et:....ear§t h~r breasts, her ar~!: bur moutEs mingled like gether in a perfectly coordinated rhythm. Her face lo.oke~ hot a~d
water. I seIzed her again, lightly, by the throat - oh that white throat!
flushed suffused with a high brilliant colour - somethmg lIke whIte
. Images came fleetingly to mind from_the everlasting tragedy o~
scum b~bbling on her half-open mouth, flying strands of brown ~air
~fu<2[a and ~e MoorYfurriedly I licked the shadowIess surface of fell over her avid, sweat-moistened face, while a small perfume-reeking
that immaculate skin, slithering gradually down to the breasts to the
finger ran across my mouth in a strange gentle supplication, provok-
vivid .b:oom of theirfragranced tumescence, descending finall; to the
ing a shudder of thrills down my spine.
surpnsmg hollowness of the belly and the darkening swell of the hips.
So this is what it had come to. This, the torrid centre 0f~!Lthe
Feeling my face dipping between the confines of her creamy thighs,
I heard the girl moan like a torn animal, grasping at my ears, my head,
di~ an~ weeks of}On~ mt!?E:;;;Y~eed, ~y o1)s~~~his, ~e
~static unscrupulous ending of all my hereticll!!. deVilIsh dr!:!~; this
my hair, in order to impede further progress down to that turbulent
wonderthis excess;1hisfeSt1iTlnusic, this m~.~~~!!?:~~h_2.fE.a..~­
sion this haunting c:liScora.Tht lust as urueflecting as it ,:,,:~~~ro~~~s.
foam of beach where the legs came together. Struggling fiercely, she
pulled at my hair, but it was too short to offer a good handle. Then,
-S~jl d~tona~ were going'on.'lr;slde my heaa-:A'nerve was throb-
just as suddenly, she ceased to struggle and grasping my head between
bing wildly in my neck I could hear blood beating like pulsating drums
her c~ol hands she at last drew me willingly into her fine arms, mov-
in my temples. But come what may, I was detennined to r~ach my
ing her mouth so soundlessly that the protest, if protest it was, was
climax. Miraculously, the girl's body seemed to flow back mto her
only a mute echo against my insatiable greed.
white fragility, then back again into the black dimness of the room's
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• ..
 shadow. Until, struggling together across the floor, we rolled into a'
small patch of bright sunlight, and briefly I caught a glimpse of the .
girl's face. Sharper now the flesh on her cheeks, too vivid the flesh
around the mouth, her skin a little hot and flushed with that bitter
24
allure that made the soft pink rim of her mouth look like the gill of
a fish. cneath by hanging!
That is to be my crown of thorns. Death, at any rate, for the un-
Far away, at a distance I could not measure, I thought I could hear
pardonable crime of having been born black in a world where White
~ughter and the busy sound of boeremusiek:" K romour of mclan- Is Right and White Is Might. Better to have been born a beetle, crawl-
choly strains ~d the su.u~!1:._~~V:~rfug rhyth~~f dancers approaching ing too close to the ground to notice the purity of the sky. Better by
the bungalo,!.!~~~,~t...:~~p_~!i}~_<~C:! foots~eJlS9faiE!'y_sol(TIery. far not to have noticed that first mischievous gleam in the eye of
tt:
Then e were at the door. ,!:he ~_,?fb~~,~ th~gere.sU!! my-ears. that English gir1.
I w~s seIzed br _ e ne ~.2~_.Qq.d.Y_~f~~~1-an(L~~wn Yes, I'm to die. I'll die a victim not of this white woman's lunatic
a aI~st ~e wall. A fist crashe~U!!!QJl1,Y-J;t<;_~-,.J!..!V.£!!:&:g:led !?Q.q~ and I
,.
subsIded Into a sweet state of unconsciousness.
-':.'>o_~~_~ _ _ _. . __ lies and my own worthless passion for what remained always a light
beyond my reach, a light beyclnd the horizon; all this can be forgiven.
Love, passion, simplicity, eVfn ignorance can be forgiven. They are
not the things for which one is ashatned to die. But they are not what
I will die for. No, I'll die of a vaster, deeper, more cruel conspiracy by
the rulers of my country who have made a certain knowledge between
persons of different races not only impossible to achieve but posi-
tively dangerous even to atte1rt.pt to acquire. They have made contact
between the races a cause for profoundest alann amongst white citi-
zens.
This girl, for exatnple, wh:.te, pretty, consumed by her own vanity
and the need to escape from a life of numbing boredom, will be re-
sponsible, some will argue, for the dispatch of one more young African
life. Such a view is quite mistaken. Veronica is responsible, of course
in a way, but only marginally, symbolically, responsible. The bearer of
a white skin and the bearer of the flesh and blood of a gypsy, the bear-
er also, if! may so add, of a curse and a wound of which, not being very
bright, she was not particul~.rly aware. This English girl has simply
been an instrument in whom is revealed in its most flagrant form the
rot and corruption of a sOclety that has cut itself off entirely from
the rest of humanity, from ary possibility of human growth. It is true,
had the girl not appeared on the beach that first day, I would not be
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 my execution draws near, I feel my loneliness even more intolerably.
here now, awai~ng death by hanging. I would not be counting the
Every Wednesday my mother comes, supported on each arm by the
seconds, the mmutes, the hours, wondering how the earth will feel
Cato Manor women led by the doughty Ma-Mlambo. The visits are
beneath, my feet on the day of my execution, what kind of sky will
u:
look down upon y liquidation. All the same, the girl was there only
the hardest part of a day normally devoted to reflection, to the writ-
ing of my life story, to the cordial interviews with Dufre, my constant
by chance. But haVIng been there, she became a convenient pretext for
companion, my interrogator, my father-confessor. Seeing my mother
the state to indulge its well-documented appetite for murder and de-
like that, her bowed head wrapped in a black doek, the rest of her fig-
~truction; she became useful as the most seductive bait ever placed
ure swathed in a long blanket as if to shield her from the eyes of the
m the path of a full-blooded African.
world, makes my heart sink within me. It is as if she were the one
Let me hasten to add that there are no lessons to be learned from
being prepared for slaughter, not I. This woman, who sacrificed so
history,. only images to be relearned and repeated. When I am gone,
much and gained so little from it, who bore me, raised me, toiled like
there WIll be others, young blacks who will not see too many suns be-
a slave to send me through school, will know nothing of a peaceful old
fore they, too, are cut down, before the noose is cast around their necks
age. She will grow old with the bitter knowledge that she gave birth
and the knot is tightened. No one will care then, as no one cares for
to a son only to see him hang, and for what exactly she will never
me no~, except perhaps a few relatives and friends. After the rope,
know. For the love of a white woman? God, no, not for that! For love,
there :WIll be no fi.re. No stones will break. The graves will not open.
I repeat, anything can be forgiven. But love is not what I felt for this
C~rta~y my. faffilly and friends will mourn, my mother will probably
girl. To such a cheap, worthless emotion only the name of ~ust c~ be
famt Wl~ gnef, but not much else will mark my passage from this
given. For mere servile desire is what I will hang for,.tha: ImposSl~le
world. It IS true one person will feel compelled to commemorate this
dream of all disconsolate, dissatisfied young men, which IS the attam-
wretched drama for what it's worth. My pal, Doctor Emile Dufre, will
ment of the forbidden fruit, a hunger and thirst enjoyed more in its
soon be packing his copious notes and many index cards. He will
carry to the plane with him the numerous newspaper clippings, the contemplation than in its satisfaction.
Anyway, very soon now all this will be over. Ashes to ashes; dust to
p~oto~opi~s of th~ documentary evidence and court transcripts. Upon
dust, the priest will intone. I am grateful for one thing. Prison, after
hIS arrIval m ZUrIch, he will write up his memories of the place, his
all , is not so bad when you are to hang. Much better this . isolation,
.
careful analyses, his daring interpretations, all devoted to the recon-
this quarantine, which is like the waiting at a small raIlway statIon
struction of a fractured personality, which became the subject of a
before the start of a long journey, than to be plucked suddenly from
most intensive investigation, all for the glorification of scientific
the bosom of the family and friends and then dispatched to the scaf-
method. Quite possibly, upon the publication of this study, Doctor
fold. Here I already feel on the edge of a precipice. The outside world
Dufr6 will receive from his academic peers throughout the enlightened
is a shadow without reality, a patch of blue sky seen through the bars
w.o:-Id the acc~lade of one whose labours deserve the highest recog-
of a prison window, a slash of sunshine caught suddenly in the ~­
mtIOn for haVIng conducted such an illuminating study of the be-
natural silence of a working day, or a swath of moonbeam penetratIng
nighted tormented mind of an African criminal. At least one person,
into a darkened cell through the high window grille at night. The world
I am,glad to say, will benefit from this whole sorry affair.
is a rumour of trains arriving and departing, of ships honking in the
To many people I may sound unusually buoyant, even cheerful, I
black harbour, of voices, laughter and the sudden blast of a siren from
know. But I am not. As the days go by and the appointed hour for
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 an all-night production line. But occasionally, more cheering voices
can be heard from other parts of the prison: political prisoners lustily
singing freedom songs. "Izokunyathel 'iAfrika, Vim Rooyen!" - Mrica
will step on you, Van Rooyen. "Thina Sizwe!" "Sikhalela umhlaba we-
thyu!" - We the Africans mourn for the lost Africa. ''Mabayek 'um-
hlaba wethu!" -They must leave our land alone. Voices individually
weak and at first very tentative, but once united combine into a single
powerful sound rolling and thundering, shaking the very foundations
of the prison walls. Yes, those voices keep me company. I couldn't ask
for a better send-off to the next world than those voices announcing
the near-dawn of freedom, and then, of course, the unruly birds, which
I see daily mating in the sky!

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