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COMMUNICATION SKILLS

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 CHAPTER - 5

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Topics Covered
Active Listening
Verbal and Non-verbal Messages
Attending
Responding
Paraphrasing
Summarizing
Ask Questions
Probing
96 Communication Skills

ACTIVE LISTENING
Since counseling is a conversation or dialogue between the counselor and client, the
counselor needs certain communication skills in order to facilitate change. The
counselor needs the basic communication skills to do effective counseling.
Active listening means using a set of skills that encourage the person counselor are
listening to talk, to help them feel heard and understood. It is called ‘active’ because
counselor intentionally do things to help them feel able to talk, and because counselor
engage with all your attention on what the speaker is saying, how they are acting, and
how they are feeling. Active listening happens when you ‘listen for meaning’. The
listener says very little but conveys empathy, acceptance and genuineness. The
listener only speaks to find out if a statement (or two or twenty) has been correctly
heard and understood.
Some active listening skills are -
 Using minimal encouragers - small signals or words that let the speaker know you
are listening and understanding - words like ‘uh-huh’, ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘mmm’, and
little actions like nodding that show you are engaged in listening.
 Using open body language - helping make the speaker feel comfortable and safe
with you.
 Repeating back some of the speaker’s words, or a phrase, to help prompt them to
say more.
 Paraphrasing - putting what the speaker says into your own words.
 Summarizing - putting in a nutshell, in a sentence or two, what the speaker has
been talking about over an extended period.
 Mirroring the speaker - adopting aspects of their body language, voice tone and
language to develop rapport and help them feel more at ease.
 Reflecting - picking up on the speaker’s feeling or mood and feeding your
perceptions back to them.
 Using silence - so that the speaker has a respectful space to stay with their feelings
and to work up to what they want to say.
 Questioning skills - when and how to use questions to help the speaker to open up
and tell you more.
Four Important Rules of Active Listening
1. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. We can be better understood,
if first we better understand. Often, when we enter into conversation, our goal is to
be better understood. With age, maturity, and experience comes silence. It is most
often a wise person who says little or nothing at the beginning of a conversation or
Essentials of Counseling 97

listening experience. We need to remember to collect information before we

disseminate it. We need to know it before we say it.
2. Be non judgmental. We need to avoid sharing our judgment until we have learned
their judgment. Empathetic listening demonstrates a high degree of emotional
intelligence. There is a reason kids do not usually speak with adults about drugs,
sex, and rock and roll. The kids already know what the adults have to say. Once a
child knows your judgment, there is little reason to ask the question unless the
intention is to argue.
3. Give your undivided attention to the speaker. The speaker maintains eye contact
to be sure the listener or listeners are paying attention. From their body language
the speaker can tell if s/he is speaking too softly or loudly, too quickly or slowly,
or if the vocabulary or the language is inappropriate. Listeners can also send
messages to speakers using body language. Positive feedback is an endorphin
releaser for the giver and the sender. Eye contact can be a form of positive
feedback. We should be careful how we use it when listening. If we want to
provide undivided attention to a child, a better way to show your attention is to do
a ‘walk and talk’.
4. Use silence effectively. The final rule for active or empathic listening is to
effectively use silence. Some of the finest police interrogators, counselors,
teachers and parents learn more by maintaining silence than by asking questions.
As an active or empathic listener, silence is a very valuable tool. Don’t interrupt
unless absolutely necessary. If someone is speaking, and we want them to
continue talking, we do not interrupt. Rather, we do provide positive feedback
using body language, eye contact, and non word sounds like ‘uh-huh’.
Actively listening not only conveys information, but also encourages the client to
continue talking. It is an essential skill counselors can exploit to develop a positive
and healthy interaction with a client. Active listening intentionally focuses on who
you are listening to, whether in a group or one-on-one, in order to understand what
s/he is saying. As the listener, you should then be able to repeat back in your own
words what they have said to their satisfaction. This does not mean you agree with,
but rather understand, what they are saying. There are numerous situations in which
counselors can utilize active listening to build rapport with clients and improve
overall communication. Some of these are explored below.
 Information - getting a clear picture. This means asking questions to find out
about needs, instructions and context of a client. Counselors should check back to
ensure they’ve heard and understood the relevant details, and that the client agrees
on the facts.
98 Communication Skills

Aim of the speaker: To tell them what you want.

Aim of the listener: To find out and confirm what they are saying.
 Affirmation - affirming, acknowledging, and exploring the problem. Listening
actively to a person who would benefit from having their problem acknowledged
by the counselor. The problem may or may not involve the counselor directly.
Counselors may reflect back the client’s feelings and perhaps the content of the
problem with a single statement of acknowledgment or during a dialogue over a
period of time, exploring the difficulty in more depth.
Aim of the speaker: To tell someone (counselor) about the problem.
Aim of the listener: To help them hear what they are saying. The listener is
assisting the speaker to explore the problem further, so the speaker can find
greater clarity and understanding for themselves.
 Inflammation - responding to a complaint. When clients tell the counselor they are
unhappy with them, criticizing them, complaining about them, or getting it off
their chest, the best thing the counselor can do (although challenging) is to
effectively listen.
Aim of the speaker: To tell the counselor that they are the problem.
Aim of the listener: Let them know that they have taken in what they are saying
and to defuse the strong emotion.
Active listening is hard but rewarding work. It is so tempting to interrupt, so easy to
be distracted. Below is a list of what a counselor should and shouldn’t do in relation
to applying active listening skills to a therapeutic situation.
A counselor should -
 Before the session, make sure your physical needs are taken care of (thirst,
hunger, bathroom, stretching).
 Give the person speaking their full attention.
 Encourage the speaker to continue with short, gentle comments like ‘uh-huh’,
‘really?’, ‘tell me more’, etc.
 Repeat the conversation back to them, in their own words, providing their
interpretation or understanding of the client’s meaning (paraphrasing).
 By reflecting the content of what is being said back to the speaker, check their
understanding of the message.
 Be as accurate in summarizing the client’s meaning as much as they can.
 Try again if their paraphrasing is not accurate or well received.
 Feed back to the client their feelings as well as the content (e.g. how did you feel
when…? How did that affect you? It looks like that made you really angry).
 Challenge in a non-threatening and subtle manner.
Essentials of Counseling 99

 Not try to force conversation, allow silences - and be aware of body language,
notice changes and respond accordingly.
Counselors should refrain from -
 Talking about themselves and introducing their own reactions or well intended
comments.
 Changing topics and thinking about what they will say next.
 Advising, diagnosing, reassuring, encouraging, criticizing or baiting a client.
 Using ‘mm’ or ‘ah ah’ exclusively or inappropriately or parrot their words.
 Pretending to have understood the person or their meaning if they haven’t.
 Allowing the client to drift to a less significant topic, because they feel the
counselor doesn’t understand.
 Fixing, changing or improving what they have said - or finishing their sentences
for them.
 Filling every space with talk.
 Ignoring their feelings in the situation.
Active listening involves the following four skills -
 Listening to and understanding the client’s verbal messages. When a client tells
you his/her story, it usually comprises a mixture of experiences (what happened to
him/her), behaviors (what the client did or failed to do), and affect (the feelings or
emotions associated with the experiences and behavior). The counselor has to
listen to the mix of experiences, behavior and feelings the client uses to describe
his/her problem situation. Also ‘hear’ what the client is not saying.
 Listening to and interpreting the client’s nonverbal messages. Counselors should
learn how to listen to and read nonverbal messages such as bodily behavior
(posture, body movement and gestures), facial expressions (smiles, frowns, raised
eyebrows, twisted lips), voice-related behavior (tone, pitch, voice level, intensity,
inflection, spacing of words, emphases, pauses, silences and fluency), observable
physiological responses (quickened breathing, a temporary rash, blushing,
paleness, pupil dilation), general appearance (grooming and dress), and physical
appearance (fitness, height, weight, complexion). Counselors need to learn how to
‘read’ these messages without distorting or over-interpreting them.
 Listening to and understanding the client in context. The counselor should listen
to the whole person in the context of his/her social settings.
 Listening with empathy. Empathic listening involves attending, observing and
listening (being with) in such a way that the counselor develops an understanding
of the client and his/her world. The counselor should put his/her own concerns
aside to be fully ‘with’ their clients.
100 Communication Skills

Counselors should be aware of the following hindrances to effective listening (Egan, 1998) -
Inadequate listening: Counselors are often distracted because they have problems of their own, feel ill,
or because they become distracted by social and cultural differences between themselves and their
clients. All these factors make it difficult to listen to and understand their clients.
Evaluative listening: Most people listen evaluatively to others. This means that they are judging and
labeling what the other person is saying as either right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable,
relevant/irrelevant etc. They then tend to respond evaluatively as well.
Filtered listening: We tend to listen to ourselves, other people and the world around us through biased
(often prejudiced) filters. Filtered listening distorts our understanding of our clients.
Labels as filters: Diagnostic labels can prevent you from really listening to your client.
Fact-centered rather than person-centered listening: Asking only informational or factual questions
won’t solve the client’s problems. Listen to the client’s whole context and focus on themes and core
messages.
Rehearsing: If you mentally rehearse your answers, you are also not listening attentively. Counselors
who listen carefully to the themes and core messages in a client’s story always know how to respond.
The response may not be a fluent, eloquent or practiced one, but it will at least be sincere and
appropriate.
Sympathetic listening: Although sympathy has its place in human transactions, the use of sympathy is
limited in the helping relationship because it can distort the counselor’s listening to the client’s story.
To sympathize with someone is to become that person’s accomplice. Sympathy conveys pity and even
complicity, and pity for the client can diminish the extent to which you can help the client.

Here are 10 tips to help counselor to develop effective listening skills -

Step 1: Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.
Step 2: Be attentive, but relaxed.
Attend another person means to -
 be present;
 give attention;
 apply or direct yourself;
 pay attention;
 remain ready to serve;
 don’t be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.
Step 3: Keep an open mind.
Step 4: Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying.
Step 5: Don’t interrupt and don’t impose your ‘solutions’.
Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says -
 I’m more important than you are.
 What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.
 I don’t really care what you think.
 I don’t have time for your opinion.
 This isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.
Essentials of Counseling 101

Step 6: Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.

When you don’t understand something, of course you should ask the speaker
to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses.
Then say something like, “Back up a second. I didn’t understand what you just
said about…”
Step 7: Ask questions only to ensure understanding.
Step 8: Try to feel what the speaker is feeling.
Step 9: Give the speaker regular feedback.
Step 10: Pay attention to what isn’t said - to nonverbal cues.

VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL MESSAGES

Verbal communication is the most common way people relay messages. Verbal refers
to the spoken word. When speaking to people, your message should always be
conveyed respectfully. Using language the receiver can interpret easily means it is
more likely your message will be clearly understood. The language used should be
both age appropriate and culturally appropriate. Jargon should only be used amongst
colleagues who are also involved with the care of children. It should be avoided when
discussing a child’s day with their parents. People with a hearing impairment consider
sign language to be another form of verbal communication.
Non-verbal communication includes body language, gestures, facial expressions, and
even posture or any other communication that is not spoken. The only exception is
sign language, which is considered to be a form of verbal communication. Non-verbal
communication sets the tone of a conversation, and can seriously undermine the
message contained in your words if you are not careful to control it.
The major differences between verbal and nonverbal communication are as under -
 The use of words in communication is verbal communication. The communication
which is based on signs, not on words is non-verbal communication.
 There are very fewer chances of confusion in verbal communication between the
sender and receiver. Conversely, the chances of misunderstanding and confusion
in non-verbal communication are very much as the use of language is not done.
 In verbal communication, the interchange of the message is very fast which leads
to rapid feedback. In opposition to this, the non-verbal communication is based
more on understanding which takes time and hence it is comparatively slow.
 In verbal communication, the presence of both the parties at the place of
communication is not necessary, as it can also be done if the parties are at
different locations. On the other hand, for an effective non-verbal communication,
both the parties must be there, at the time of communication.
 In verbal communication, the documentary evidence is maintained if the
communication is formal or written. But, there is no conclusive evidence in case
of non-verbal communication.
102 Communication Skills

 Verbal communication fulfills the most natural desire of humans - talk. In case of
Non-verbal communication, feelings, status, emotions, personality, etc. are very
easily communicated, through the acts done by the parties to the communication.
 Verbal and Non-verbal communication are not contradictory to each other, but
they are complementary as somebody has rightly said, “Actions are louder than
words”. Both goes side by side and helps a human being, to interact and respond
to other human beings.
Verbal communication is obviously an important part of life as we use words to
communicate. But have you ever thought that a small baby cannot use language or
words to speak, but s/he chooses signs to show his/her anger, happiness, and sorrow.
Similarly, deaf and dumb persons also use sign language for communicating with
other people. So, this is the significance of non-verbal communication in many lives.
It’s not what you say but how you say it. The majority of communication is non-
verbal. Counselors need to be aware of what they may be communicating to their
clients through their non-verbal behavior. They also need to give attention to what is
being communicated through the non-verbal behavior of their clients.
Non-verbal Behavior

Body language Paralinguistic

 Gestures  Sighs
 Facial expressions  Grunts
 Posture  Groans
 Body orientation  Voice pitch change
 Body proximity/distance  Voice volume
 Eye contact  Voice fluency
 Mirroring  Nervous giggles
 Remove barriers (e.g. desks)
Quick Reference for Counseling Micro-skills
Verbal Non-verbal
Uses language that the client understands Uses a tone of voice similar to the client’s
Repeats the client’s story in other words Looks client in the eye (as appropriate)
Clarifies client’s statements Nods occasionally
Explains clearly and adequately Uses facial expressions
Summarizes Uses occasional gestures
Responds to primary message Keeps suitable conversational distance
Encourages - I see, Yes, Mm-hmm Speaks at an appropriate pace
Addresses client in a manner appropriate to the Physically relaxed
client’s age Open posture
Gives needed information
Essentials of Counseling 103

Examples of Non-Supportive Behavior in a Selected Culture

Advising Looking away frequently
Preaching and moralizing Keeping an inappropriate distance
Blaming, judging and labeling Sneering
Cajoling (persuading by flattery or deceit) Frowning, scowling and yawning
“Why” questions, interrogating Using an unpleasant tone of speech
Directing, demanding Speaking too quickly
Excessive reassuring Speaking too slowly
Straying from the topic Having a blank facial expression
Encouraging dependence Staring
Patronizing (condescending) attitude Moving around too much, fidgeting
Criticizing or censuring Environmental barriers or distractions

ATTENDING
Attending refers to the ways in which counselors can be ‘with’ their clients, both
physically and psychologically. Attending also means a counselor must pay attention
to everything a client says and does. This includes reading the client’s body language
and also taking into consideration all the silences and pauses in the conversation.
Effective attending tells clients that you are with them and that they can share their
world with you. Effective attending puts counselors in a position to listen carefully to
what their clients are saying or not saying. Attending behavior is a counseling micro-
skill used to encourage clients to talk and show that the counselor is interested in
what’s being said. It is used throughout the entire counseling interview.
The acronym SOLER can be used to help you to show your inner attitudes and values of respect and
genuineness towards a client -
 S: Squarely face your client. Adopt a bodily posture that indicates involvement with your client.
(A more angled position may be preferable for some clients - as long as you pay attention to the
client.) A desk between you and your client may, for instance, create a psychological barrier
between you.
 O: Open posture. Ask yourself to what degree your posture communicates openness and
availability to the client. Crossed legs and crossed arms may be interpreted as diminished
involvement with the client or even unavailability or remoteness, while an open posture can be a
sign that you are open to the client and to what s/he has to say.
 L: Lean toward the client (when appropriate) to show your involvement and interest. To lean back
from your client may convey the opposite message.
 E: Eye contact with a client conveys the message that you are interested in what the client has to
say. If you catch yourself looking away frequently, ask yourself why you are reluctant to get
involved with this person or why you feel so uncomfortable in his/her presence. Be aware of the
fact that direct eye contact is not regarded as acceptable in all cultures.
 R: Try to be Relaxed or natural with the client. Don’t fidget nervously or engage in distracting
facial expressions. The client may begin to wonder what it is in himself/herself that makes you so
nervous. Being relaxed means that you are comfortable with using your body as a vehicle of
personal contact and expression and for putting the client at ease.
104 Communication Skills

Attending involves giving all of your physical attention to another person. The
process of attending has a considerable impact on the quality of communication that
goes on between two people. By attending we are saying to another person “I am
interested in what you have to say”.
How to Attend
 To begin and maintain attendance a counselor must first welcome the client
warmly. Making him/her feel comfortable in the counseling environment; will
make the client feel more relaxed about disclosing personal information about
their emotions, feelings and thoughts. By maintaining eye contact with the client,
a counselor shows they value what the client has to say.
 Looking at the client, as they speak, also shows the counselor is respectful.
 A counselor should also be aware of the tone of their voice, during time in the
client’s presence. Slowing down speech will make the client feel more relaxed and
less rushed. It will convey that the counselor has adequate time to listen to the
client’s problems and concerns. The counselor’s facial expressions must also
convey interest and comprehension.
 Tracking or following the flow of what the client is saying, is a key skill that the
counselor must also be confident demonstrating. Without the ability to do this a
counselor will not be able to provide the level of supportive service that a
counseling client requires.
Selective Attending: By selective attending a counselor is choosing to pay particular
close attention to an element of what is being said by the client. The counselor may
decide to focus on the way the client is speaking - whether they are displaying
distress, discomfort, anger etc. or on a particular phrase or sentence. A counselor may
be listening out for clues to why the client exhibits a particular behavior pattern or
holds limiting beliefs, or any number of other things. It is the counselor’s job to gather
as much information about a client as possible, and to interpret the disclosure so that
they can support and encourage the individual through the counseling process.
Focus Control: Controlling your focus can sometimes be difficult. We are all open to
outside distractions and can momentarily lose our concentration and focus. Attending
requires that a counselor’s physical and psychological attention is directed at the
client for the whole duration of the one-to-one counseling session.
Attending Behavior: Good attending behavior demonstrates that you respect a person
and are interested in what s/he has to say. The effect of attending is an encouragement
to the person to go on talking about his/her ideas or feelings freely. Without using
words, you are communicating that you are listening to the person. There are several
Essentials of Counseling 105

components of good attending behavior -

 Eye Contact - Looking at a person is one way of showing interest in that person.
However, you can make a person feel uncomfortable if you stare at them too
intensely. The best way of showing that you are listening to someone is by
looking at them naturally.
 Posture - This is a natural response of interest. It’s best to lean slightly towards the
person in a relaxed manner. Relaxation is important, since you want to shift focus
from yourself so that you are better able to listen to the person you are talking
with.
 Gesture - You communicate a great deal with your body movements. If you flail
wildly with your hands or if you cross your arms over your chest and hunch your
shoulders with your head bent downwards, you are very likely to communicate
some unintended messages.
 Facial Expressions - A good listener’s facial expressions indicate responsiveness.
For examples, smiling; eye-brow raising; frowning etc. when appropriate.
 Verbal Behavior - A good listener’s comments relate to what the other person is
saying. By directing your comments and questions to the topics provided by your
friend, you show interest in what he or she is saying.

RESPONDING
Responding, in a counseling environment, requires that the counselor’s attention is
focused on the client’s feelings and verbal expression at all times. There are many
occasions when we respond - perhaps by offering a nod of the head - without really
listening to what is being said. In a counseling situation a counselor must pay close
attention and check that a client is not agreeing with a suggestion, without actually
fully comprehending what has been voiced.
Responding in a positive manner requires focus, concentration and an interest in the
other person, and what is being expressed. A counselor must provide this supportive
service throughout a client’s counseling experience. Without the use of clear
responding and reflecting skills, the level of counseling offered to a client will not be
sufficient to motivate and encourage the client to continue with open disclosure.
Being encouraging, motivating, reassuring, coaxing, being challenging and praising
all provide the client with a positive response to their comments. Asking questions,
making statements and suggestions, offering solutions and informing also provide
effective methods of good response. Offering a nod of the head, an um-hmm or by
encouraging the client to continue speaking by saying “And then?” provide a further
positive response, which will keep the comments flowing.
106 Communication Skills

As with any form of communication there is a right time and a wrong time to use
reflective counseling skills. Reflecting is another way of responding, which expresses
the counselor’s attitude to the client. It must therefore be a positive response to the
client, and must also demonstrate the core conditions of acceptance, value and
respect.
Right Time
 Client expresses a problem, issue or concern.
 Client is unclear about something that has been said.
 Client is upset.
 Client’s behavior surprises the counselor in some way.
Wrong Time
 When the client, or counselor, is tired, stressed or anxious.
How to Respond Effectively/ Responding Skills
Responding firstly involves the skills of attending, observing, and listening. From this
base of ‘being in touch’ with the client the counselor employs reflecting skills and
probing. The four levels of reflecting skills are - reflecting content (paraphrasing);
reflecting feelings; reflecting meanings; and summative statements.
Reflecting Content: Content refers to the facts and ideas of the client. Reflecting
content is a concise response to the speaker that restates the essence of
communication in the counselors own words. The first task for the counselor is to sift
through all of the details and to arrive at the central message that the client is trying to
convey. The counselor then needs to express this to the client concisely. This
expression needs to be in the counselor’s own words. This is one of the differences
between parroting (repeating the speaker’s words) and effective responding.
Responding requires us to see things from the client’s point of view. We need to
understand what the client is saying from their perspective and then to express this in
our own words. For example, Client: At the moment, I am trying to organize school
for the children, get shoes for the young one, get medical treatment for my mother,
and register for a training scheme for myself. Counselor: You’ve clearly got a lot on
your plate at the moment. I guess more than you can comfortably handle? The first
part of the counselor’s response is a straightforward example of reflecting content.
The second part extends that reflection to take into account some of the feelings that
might have been expressed.
Reflections are often delivered in a tentative tone which implies the question - “Is that
right?” This tone invites either agreement, or else a negotiation of meaning if we are
Essentials of Counseling 107

not quite accurate. The important thing to remember is that the counselor is not trying
to tell the client what they are thinking or feeling, but rather, the counselor is
attempting to share and confirm their understanding with the client.
Reflecting Feelings: It is mirroring back of the counselors’ emotions as they make
their statements. It gives the counselor an opportunity to evaluate how s/he is
responding to the problem situation. A response to the example above might be –
“You’re feeling overwhelmed?” This invites confirmation. For example, “Yes, I am
overwhelmed and I just don’t know if I am going to be able to cope”. Alternatively,
the response invites a correction if it is not accurate. For example, “No, I am not
overwhelmed, I am just exhausted. I’ll be okay if I can get a good night’s sleep”. The
challenge in reflecting feelings is to be able to use the right words to describe the
counselor’s feelings. Whilst we all experience a myriad of feelings, and each to a
wide range of degrees, and whilst we are able to recognize many of these emotions in
others, it is often difficult for us to find the right words. There are at least two ways of
framing an accurate feeling response. Both involve asking a feeling question. In the
first way, we ask - “If I was the client, how would this make me feel?” In the second
way, we seek to ask how a person in this unique set of circumstances might feel -
“How does it feel to be this person (race/age/sex/role) in these (circumstances) with
this (history) and these (expectations) under these (pressures or constraints) from
(within or without)?” Either way, the purpose of the question is to identify a feeling
word. It should be as accurate as possible and with the right degree of intensity. It
should also be a word that the client would be likely to use or understand.
Above all, our attempts to identify how others are feeling should be from a basis of
genuineness and respect. If we make a genuine attempt to understand how our clients
are feeling, they will most likely tolerate any inaccuracies in our understanding, and
will probably assist us (and themselves) by volunteering more precise statements of
feeling.
Reflecting Meanings: If counselors get the feelings or the content wrong then they
can’t understand the clients. It allows counselors to be sure that they are getting what
the client is saying. Once we have learned how to reflect content and feelings
separately, it is reasonably easy to combine them into reflections of meaning or
empathy statements. Some people are helped in constructing reflections of meaning
(or empathy statements) by the formula, “You feel ... because …”. For example, you
feel overwhelmed because you have so many different things that you have to do.
Client: I just want to cry. My 19-year-old daughter just doesn’t want to stay home any
more. She doesn’t want to visit friends with us, nor stay and eat dinner when friends
come over. What has happened to her? What can we do about it?
108 Communication Skills

Counselor: Your daughter’s withdrawing from the family [reflection of content].

Client: That’s right. She is like that with all of the family. It’s heart-breaking.
Counselor: You’re really hurt and disappointed [reflection of feelings].
Client: Yes, I am.
Counselor: You feel hurt and disappointed because your daughter is drifting away
from the family [reflection of meaning].
Reflecting meanings is assisted by building a base of negotiated understanding
through frequent use of content and feeling responses. Again meaning statements
should be concise, with minimal interruption to the client’s train of thought.
Summative Reflections: A summative reflection (or summary) is a brief statement
that attempts to draw together the thoughts and feelings that have been expressed
through a session or part of a session. It recaps the major themes of the conversation.
It helps the counselor to sort through the litter and to construct a more complete and
compact conceptualization of the issue being discussed. The counselor attempts to
identify the main themes, common thread, or essential issue to emerge during that
period of time. Summative reflections are appropriate at the end of a session, but are
also useful during a session to help a client refocus on central issues, or to help the
listener check their understanding of the issues. Summative reflections provide
opportunities to confirm shared understandings, to conclude discussions about a
particular issue, or to make a transition to an action stage of the helping process.
Probing: Probing means asking for additional information. Effective probing is non
judgmental and flows from what was previously said. Good probing questions ask for
elaboration, classification and repetition. It helps client to fill in missing pieces.

PARAPHRASING
Paraphrasing means rewording (not the same words) speakers’ verbal utterances.
Paraphrasing occurs when the counselor states what the client has just said, using
fewer words but without changing the meaning of what the client said. It is one of the
competent skills of how you show understanding in active listening. Paraphrasing
must be decided upon some goals (reinforce, clarify, highlight, double-check, etc.).
The function of paraphrasing is that it acts a promoter for discussion. Examples -
Client: I feel terrible. Counselor: You feel terrible. Client: I heard a noise.
Counselor: A noise?
A good paraphrase can provide mirror reflections that are clearer and more to the
point than original statements. If so, clients may show appreciation with comments
such as “That’s right”. Tip for paraphrasing is to start your responses with the
Essentials of Counseling 109

personal pronoun ‘you’ to indicate that you reflect clients’ internal viewpoints.
Another tip is to slow your speech rate down to give you more time to think. You
need a good memory and a good command of vocabulary to paraphrase well.
Confidence and fluency in the skill require much practice. The counselor rephrases
the content of the client’s message. Example - Client: I know it doesn’t help my
depression to sit around or stay in bed all day. Counselor: It sounds like you know
you should avoid staying in bed or sitting around all day to help your depression.
Purposes of Paraphrasing
 To convey that you are understanding him/her.
 Help the client by simplifying, focusing and crystallizing what they said.
 May encourage the client to elaborate.
 Provide a check on the accuracy of your perceptions.
When to Use It
 When you have an hypothesis about what’s going on with the client.
 When the client is in a decision making conflict.
 When the client has presented a lot of material and you feel confused.
Steps in Paraphrasing
There are four steps in effective paraphrasing -
1. Listen and recall.
2. Identify the content part of the message by deciding what event, situation, idea, or
person the client is talking about.
3. Rephrase, in as concise a manner as possible, the key words and ideas the client
has used to communicate their concerns in a fresh or different perspective.
4. Perception check is usually in the form of a brief question, e.g., “It sounds like...”;
“Let me see if I understand this”, which allows the client to agree or disagree with
the accuracy of your paraphrasing.
Example - Client, a 40-year-old woman, “How can I tell my husband I want a
divorce? He’ll think I’m crazy. I guess I’m just afraid to tell him”.
Steps -
a) Recall the message and restate it to yourself covertly. Wants divorce, but hasn’t
told husband because he will think she’s crazy.
b) Identify the content part of the message. Select an appropriate beginning - e.g., It
sounds like; You think; I hear you saying.
c) Translate the key content into your own words - Want a divorce, break off, split;
e.g., It sounds like you haven’t found a way to tell your husband you want to end
the relationship because of his possible reaction. Is that right?
d) Confirm the accuracy of the paraphrase.
110 Communication Skills

SUMMARIZING
Summarizing means that the counselor concisely reiterates several of the major
highlights from the client’s discussion. By tying together the different elements from
a client’s session, summarizing can help a counselor review overall progress.
Summarizing can also allow the counselor and the client to recognize a theme in what
the client is saying.
Purposes of a Summary
 To clarify emotions for both the helper/counselor and the client.
 To tie together multiple elements of client messages.
 To review the work done so far, and to take stock.
 To bring a session to a close, by drawing together the main threads of the
discussion.
 To interrupt excessive rambling.
 To start a session.
 To end a session.
 To pace a session.
 To review progress.
 To serve as a transition when changing topics.
 To move the counseling process forward.
Steps in a Summary
Example - Client, an young girl.
 At the beginning of the session -
I don’t understand why my parents can’t live together anymore. I’m not blaming
anybody, but it just feels very confusing to me [Said in a low, soft voice with
lowered, moist eyes].
 Near the middle of the same session -
I wish they could keep it together. I guess I feel like they can’t because they fight
about me so much. Maybe I’m the reason they don’t want to live together
anymore.
(a) Recall key content and affect messages -
 Key content: wants parents to stay together.
 Key affect: feels sad, upset, responsible.
(b) Identify patterns or themes -
She is the one who is responsible for her parents’ break-up.
(c) Use an appropriate sentence stem and verbalize the summarization response -
“I sense” or “You are feeling”.
Essentials of Counseling 111

(d) Summarize -
Earlier today you indicated you didn’t feel like blaming anyone for what’s
happening to your parents. Now I’m sensing that you are feeling like you are
responsible for their break-up.
(e) Assess the effectiveness of your summarization.
Paraphrasing and summarizing are both related terms. They are often confusing.
Paraphrasing and summarizing are essential techniques for an effective
communication. Both paraphrasing and summarizing are allowed and accepted till
due credit is given to the original source, and only till the work is not copied and is
free from any kind of plagiarism.
Paraphrasing -
 does not match the source word for word;
 involves putting a passage from a source into your own words;
 changes the words or phrasing of a passage, but retains and fully
communicates the original meaning; and
 must be attributed to the original source.
Summarizing -
 does not match the source word for word;
 involves putting the main idea(s) into your own words, but including only the
main point(s);
 presents a broad overview, so is usually much shorter than the original text;
and
 must be attributed to the original source.
Table 5.1
Summary versus Paraphrase
Summary Paraphrase
A brief restatement, in your own words,A precise restatement, in your own
of the content of a passage, focusing on
words, of the written or spoken words of
the central idea(s). someone else.
A summary is in your own words, but A paraphrase is in your own words, but
some key words may not be able to be you must change both the words and the
changed. sentence structures of the original
passage.
A summary does not distort the meaning A paraphrase does not distort the
of the original passage. meaning of the original passage.
112 Communication Skills

A summary can be selective. A paraphrase is specific and should not

be selective.
A summary is much shorter than the A paraphrase is roughly the same length,
original passage. and even sometimes a bit longer, than the
original passage.

ASK QUESTIONS
Questioning is an important part of counseling. It helps us understand the client’s
situation and it helps us assess clinical conditions. Questions during the counseling
session can help to open up new areas for discussion. They can assist to pinpoint an
issue and they can assist to clarify information that at first may seem ambiguous to the
counselor. Questions that invite clients to think or recall information can aid in a
client’s journey of self-exploration. Counselors should be knowledgeable about the
different types of questioning techniques, including the appropriate use of them and
likely results. It is also important to be aware and cautious of over-questioning. In
determining effective questioning techniques it is important to consider the nature of
the client, their ongoing relationship with the counselor and the issue/s at hand.
There are essentially three styles of questions -
Open Questions: An open question is likely to receive a long answer. Although any
question can receive a long answer, open questions deliberately seek longer answers,
and are the opposite of closed questions. Open questions encourage the client to speak
and offer an opportunity for the counselor to gather information about the client and
their concerns. Typically open questions begin with - what, when, where, why, how
or could. For example - Why do you think that? How did you come to consider this?
Could you tell me what brings you here today?
‘What’ questions more often lead to the emergence of facts. ‘When’ questions bring
about information regarding timing of the problem, and this can include events and
information preceding or following the event. ‘Where’ questions reveal the
environment, situation or place that the event took place, and ‘Why’ questions usually
give the counselor information regarding the reasons of the event or information
leading up to the event. ‘How’ questions tend to invite the client to talk about their
feelings.
Most often -
 What? leads to facts and information.
 When? brings out the timing of the problem.
 Where? enables discussion about the environment and situations.
Essentials of Counseling 113

 Why? brings out reasons.

 How? enables talk about feelings and/or process.
It should be noted that care must be taken by the counselor when asking ‘why’
questions. Why questions can provoke feelings of defensiveness in clients and may
encourage clients to feel as though they need to justify themselves in some way.
Hence, open questions have the following characteristics -
 They ask the respondent to think and reflect.
 They will give you opinions and feelings.
 They hand control of the conversation to the respondent.

This makes open questions useful in the following situations -

Usage Example
To develop a conversation and open up What did you do on you holidays?
someone who is rather quiet. How do you keep focused on your work?
To find out more about a client, his/her What’s keeping you awake these days?
wants, needs, problems, and so on. Why is that so important to you?
To get the clients to realize the extent of I wonder what would happen if you go
their problems (to which, of course, you out late?
have the solution). What happened to Robi?
To get them to feel good by asking after How have you been after your operation?
their health or otherwise demonstrating You’re looking down. What’s up?
human concern about them.
Closed Questions: Closed questions are questions that can be answered with a
minimal response (often as little as ‘yes’ or ‘no’). They can help the counselor to
focus the client or gain very specific information. Such questions begin with - is, are
or do. For example - Is that your coat? Are you living alone? Do you enjoy your job?
Closed questions have the following characteristics -
 They give you facts.
 They are easy to answer.
 They are quick to answer.
 They keep control of the conversation with the questioner.

This makes closed questions useful in the following situations -

Usage Example
As opening questions in a conversation, as it It’s great weather, isn’t it?
makes easy for the client to answer, and Where do you live?
114 Communication Skills

doesn’t force to reveal too much about What time is it?

him/herself.
For testing him/her understanding (asking So, you want to move into our
yes/no questions). This is also a great way apartment, with your own bedroom and
to break into a long ramble. bathroom - true?
For setting up a desired positive or negative Are you happy with your current life?
frame of mind in him/her (asking successive Does your family give you all that you
questions with obvious answers either yes need?
or no). Would you like to find a better life?
For achieving closure of a persuasion If I can deliver this tomorrow, will you
(seeking yes to the big question). sign for it now?
Leading Questions: Leading questions are questions where the counselor guides the
client to give the answer they desire. These questions are usually judgmental. For
example - You came to consider this, didn’t you? You are enjoying your job, aren’t
you?
While questioning techniques can be used positively to draw out and clarify issues
relevant to the counseling session, there is also the very real danger of over-using
questions or using questioning techniques that can have a negative impact on the
session. The wrong types of questioning techniques, at the wrong time, in the hands of
an unskilled interviewer or counselor, can cause unnecessary discomfort and
confusion to the client.

PROBING
Probing involves statements and questions from the counselor that enable clients to
explore more fully any relevant issue of their lives. Probes can take the form of
statements, questions, requests, single word or phrases and non-verbal prompts. In
broad terms, probing questions often begin with “What” or “How” because they invite
more detail. Questions that begin with “Do you…” or “Are you…” invite personal
reflection. “Why” questions can be problematic. They may put the respondent on the
defensive or result in little useful information and require additional probing.
Probes serve the following purposes -
 to encourage non-assertive or reluctant clients to tell their stories;
 to help clients to remain focused on relevant and important issues;
 to help clients to identify experiences, behaviors and feelings that give a fuller
picture to their story, in other words, to fill in missing pieces of the picture;
 to help clients to move forward in the helping process; and
Essentials of Counseling 115

 to help clients understand themselves and their problem situations more fully.
In summary, good probing questions -
 are general and widely useful;
 don’t place blame on anyone;
 allow for multiple responses;
 help create a paradigm shift;
 empower the person with the dilemma to solve his/her own problem (rather than
deferring to someone with greater or different expertise);
 avoid yes/no responses;
 are usually brief;
 elicit a slow response;
 move thinking from reaction to reflection;
 encourage taking another party’s perspective.
Keep the following in mind when you use probes -
 Use questions with caution.
 Don’t ask too many questions. They make clients feel ‘grilled’, and they often
serve as fillers when counselors don’t know what else to do.
 Don’t ask a question if you don’t really want to know the answer.
 If you ask two questions in a row, it is probably one question too much.
 Although close-ended questions have their place, avoid asking too many close-
ended questions that begin with ‘does’, ‘did’, or ‘is’.
 Ask open-ended questions - that is, questions that require more than a simple yes
or no answer. Start sentences with - ‘how’, ‘tell me about’, or ‘what’. Open-ended
questions are non-threatening and they encourage description.
BASIC COUNSELING SKILLS CHECKLIST
Exercise #_____
Directions: Please write the number of this exercise in the right upper corner on both pages. Then, take
a few minutes to read all the questions below. As you watch the counseling session and observe a
specific behavior being demonstrated, place a check beside the behavior under the Yes column. If you
want to make comments about the specific behavior, please do so in the right hand column.
Yes Behavior Comments
Initiating the Session
1. Greets client properly
2. Introduces self and role
3. Demonstrates respect
4. Establishes reason(s) for session
5. Negotiates the agenda and how long the session will last
6. Explains confidentiality and shared confidentiality
Gathering Information
7. If client is new, collects necessary background information
116 Communication Skills

8. Inquiries about mood and anxiety symptoms

9. If follow-up session, begins by summarizing previous session
10. Gets client’s view of problem(s) and/or progress
11. Discusses problem(s) and/or progress
12. Appropriately moves from open to closed questions
13. Listens attentively (verbal & non-verbal acknowledgement)
14. Gives client time to talk (without interrupting)
15. Uses verbal & non-verbal cues to encourage patient response
16. Uses easily understood questions and comments
17. Checks/clarifies client’s statement
Understanding the Client’s Perspective
18. Acknowledges client’s views on the problem(s)
19. Explores client’s concerns about the problem(s)
20. Encourages expression of emotions
21. Picks up verbal and non-verbal cues
22. Acknowledges client’s accomplishments/progress/challenges
Providing Structure to the Session
23. Summarizes at end of specific lines of enquiry
24. Uses transitional statements or summarizing when changing topics
25. Structures logical flow of discussion
26. Attends to time
Building a Relationship
27. Demonstrates appropriate non-verbal behavior
28. If writes, does not interfere with dialogue/rapport
29. Is not judgmental
30. Maintains a respectful tone
31. Expresses caring, concern, empathy for client
32. Appears confident
Closing the Session
33. Encourages client to discuss any additional points
34. Closes session by summarizing briefly
35. Reviews next steps with client, including appropriate referrals
36. Documents session in medical record
Participant’s Overall Impression:
Satisfactory:
Satisfactory But:
Unsatisfactory:
Calgary-Cambridge Observations Guide 1. Suzanne Kurtz, Faculty of Medicine and Education, University of Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

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Bangladesher Samajtattwa (Sociology of Bangladesh). Protik Publisher,

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