Module 2.

Dynamics of Intimate Relationship

Lesson 1. Communication and Intimacy

Learning Objectives: At the end of these topics, students are enabled to:
 Explain the Perspectives on communication
 Identify the positive and negative communication cycles

Timeframe :1 week
Overview:

Communication is the foundation on which all aspects of relationship is built. It is the way
humans share meaning both verbally and nonverbally. John Stewart said,
“If humans really are social beings, then communication is where humanness happens”
(2009,p.7).
Activity: Based on your observation, how your family communicates with each other.
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Analysis: Do you think your family exercises good communication towards all members?
Explain.
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Abstraction:
Communication is the process of sharing messages, an integral part of intimacy. In a national
survey of couple communication strengths, happy couples agreed more often than unhappy
couples they were satisfied with how they talked to each other as partners, had no trouble
believing each other, felt their partners did not make comments that put then down, were not
afraid to ask their partners for what they wanted, and felt free to express their true feelings to
their partners.
The top five communication issues identified by couples in national survey were the following:
 They wish their partners would rather share their feelings;
 They had difficulty asking their partners for what they wanted;
 Their partners did not understand how they feel;
 Their partners often refused to discuss issues/problems; and
 Their partners made comments that put them down.
Men and women tend to have different priorities when it comes to communication. Men are
more likely to be concerned with doing things and women are more concerned with developing
and maintaining relationships.
To keep up with the relentless flow of information, ideas, and exchanges, we often find ourselves
in a state of continuous partial attention. As we attend to our email, smartphones, computer,
television, laptop, ipod, ipad, and so forth, we also are often trying to hold a genuine
conversation with a friend. This form of multitasking, when it comes to developing and
maintaining intimate relationships, simply does not work.
Facebook is used by many individuals and can actually create stress because of what they see
and read. Women spend more time on Facebook and are more likely to be stressed as a result.
Self-disclosure- individual revelations of personal information or feelings- is a key to the
development of intimacy. Listening is the process of developing a full understanding of another
person’s story (situation, concern, point of view). Persuasive listeners and directive listeners try
to control the conversation. Attentive listeners aim at fully understanding the other person’s point
of view, an approach that encourages the development of genuine intimacy.
Listening: A Difficult Skill
We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that,
and remember only half of that.
-Mignon McLaughlin, Journalist
Good listening skills require suspending judgment and spending more energy trying to
understand other people. Restating the speaker’s ideas and feelings for verification is an
important listening skill. This approach makes communication slow and it minimizes
misunderstanding and conflict. Listening skill is not important if the goal of communication is to
control other people. But, if the goal is to connect with other people and to develop genuine
emotional intimacy, listening is essential. Miller & Miller (2016) identify three basic motives or
goals among listeners:
1. To lead by persuading,
2. To clarify by directing, and
3. To discover by attending
The distinguishing factor of each of these three listening motives is the degree od control, or
power, the listener desires over the situation. Does the listener follow the leader, allowing the
speaker to relate the story in her or his way? Or does the listener become the leader- getting the
speaker to tell the story in the way the listener wants to hear it? Either approach affects the
quality and integrity of the information that is exchanged.
Persuasive listening is hardly listening at all; the “listener” is really looking for an opening to
jump in and control the direction of the conversation.
Directive listening less control than persuasive listening, but it does attempt to channel, or direct
the conversation. Directive listening has certain advantages, it quickly focuses a conversation,
and if the speaker cooperates, it allows the directive questioner to take charge of the dialogue.
The major disadvantage of directive listeners is that, efficiency and crucial elements of the story
may be lost. Directive listeners who use the approach in a very curt manner often fail to really
understand what they are being told.
Attentive listening is a mode in which the listener simply lets the speaker tell the story
spontaneously and without interruption, encouraging rather than directing the teller. Busy people
sometimes feel that attentive is too consuming. In fact, it is more efficient than the other
approaches because it lets the speaker get to the real point, avoiding misunderstanding and
confusion. It is clearly the most effective listening mode for building rapport and trust. People
who practice this skill is described as good listeners, find this a positive traits to have in both
their professional and personal lives.
Assertive, Passive, and Aggressive Communication
Researchers have identified three styles of responses in interpersonal communication: passive,
aggressive, and assertive (Olson et al., 2008). Each response style has effects on both the
respondent and the partner. Assertive statements were consistently found to be the most accurate,
expressive, self-enhancing, and productive in terms of achieving a goal.
Assertive communication assumes that expressing thoughts, feelings, and desires is the right of
the individual. Because it is self-expressive, assertive communication frequently uses the
personal pronouns I and me. Assertiveness is associated with feelings of self-esteem, self-
confidence, and determination to express opinions or feelings. Assertiveness in whole, is giving
yourself the right to be who you are without infringing on the rights of your partner to be who he
or she is. Assertiveness enables people to feel good about themselves and increases the
likelihood of achieving personal goals. Because assertiveness encourages expressiveness Rather
than defensiveness, it facilitates intimacy between partners.
Passive communication is characterized by an unwillingness to say what one thinks, feels, or
wants. Passive behavior is frequently associated with feelings of anxiety about other’s opinions,
overconcern about the feelings of others (“I just didn’t want to hurt her”), and fears about saying
or doing anything that can be criticized (“I was afraid of saying the ‘wrong’ thing”). Passive
responses reinforce feelings of low self-esteem, limit expressiveness, leave a well of hurt and
anxious feelings, and make achievement of personal goals unlikely. Receivers of passive
responses often feel anger at and lack of respect for the sender, realizing that their goals have
been achieved at the sender’s expense. Passive behavior does title to enhance either person’s
feelings about oneself or the other and creates distance rather than intimacy.
Aggressive communication aims at hurting or putting down the other person and to protect the
self-esteem of aggressor. Aggressive statements are characterized by blame and accusation (“you
always?...,” “you never…”). Aggressive behavior is associated with intense, angry feelings and
thoughts of getting even. When people act in aggressive manner with their partners, it reinforces
the notion that the partner is to blame for the aggressor’s frustration, that it is the partner’s
responsibility to make things “right”. Aggressiveness is expressive behavior, but it is all too
often self-enhancing at the other’s expense. Goals may be achieved, but only by hurting and
humiliating the other. The partner may retaliate in kind. Because of aggressive behavior focuses
on the negative aspects of people rather than the negative aspect of the situation, it generally
escalates in negative spirals, leaving both partners feeling hurt and frustrated and creating
distance in the relationship.
Assertiveness, passiveness, and aggressiveness are not personality traits; they are types of
responses or behaviors. In most cases, it is inappropriate to label oneself or another an assertive,
passive, or aggressive person. Some people use certain types of behaviors in specific situation or
with certain people. For example, some women report that they have difficulty expressing their
feelings or desires assertively in sexual relationships.
Assertive and self-confidence are key elements of a positive communication cycle. A negative
communication cycle is characterized by avoidance and partner dominance. The more assertive,
and less avoidant partners are, the more satisfying their relationship will be.
Positive and Negative Communication Cycles
Olson (2008) stated that a study of over 50,000 couples revealed that a positive communication
involves assertiveness and self-confidence and that a negative communication cycle is
characterized by avoidance and partner dominance. These are the definition of assertiveness,
self-confidence, avoidance, and partner dominance:
Assertiveness is a person’s ability to express her or his feelings and desires to a partner.
Self-confidence is a measure of how a person feels about herself or himself and the ability to
control things in her or his life.
Avoidance is a person’s tendency to minimize issues and a reluctance to deal with issues
directly.
Partner dominance is the degree to which a person feels her or his partner tries to be controlling
and dominant in their relationship.
In a positive communication cycle, as people become more assertive with their partner, they also
tend to become more self-confident. this is because assertiveness often enables people to get
more of what they want from other. Getting more of what they want tends to make them feel
more self-confident. as they gain more self-confidence, they tend to be more willing to be
assertive. This positive cycle illustrates how communication skills can help people develop more
positive feelings about each other.
Positive Cycle Negative Cycle
Assertiveness Avoidance
(+) (-) (-) (+)
Self-confidence Partner Dominance
 Positive and Negative
Communication Cycles

In a negative communication cycle, as one person avoids making decisions, the other partner will
take over and become dominant, and as one partner becomes more dominant, the other partner
may further withdraw (become avoidant). The combination of avoidance and partner dominance
creates the negative communication cycle
Research has found that couples in which both partners are assertive and self-confident tend to
have a very happy marriages. Whereas, couples in which one partner is dominant and the other is
avoidant tend to have unhappy marriages.

Application
Exercise 1. Laboratory Activity.
Focus on assertive, passive, and aggressive behavior in this activity. Contact your nearest
classmates and form groups of four. Two people will role-play the following styles for 2-to 3
minutes while the other two observe. After each segment, discuss what it felt like to play the
assigned role or to observe the role playing. When your group has role-played all three styles,
compare and contrast the various styles.
 Passive and aggressive (one person acts passively; one person acts aggressively)
 Assertive and passive (one acts assertively; one acts passively)
 Assertive and assertive (both people are assertive)
Exercise 2. Use this Couple and Family Scales to rate the communication at various stages of
your current relationship (friendship, dating, cohabiting (live-in), marriage). How has the
communication changed over time on each aspect of the scale? Identify the most positive and
most negative aspects of that communication.
Levels of Family Communication
COMMUNICATION
Poor Good Very Good
Score 1 2 3 4 5 6
Listening skills Poor listening skills Appears to listen, but Gives feedback
feedback is limited indicating good
listening skills
Speaking skills Often speaks for Speaks for oneself Speaks mainly for
others more than for others oneself rather than
for others
Self-disclosure Low sharing of High sharing of Moderate sharing of
feelings feelings feelings
Clarity Inconsistent Clear messages Very clear messages
 messages
Staying on topic Seldom stays on topic Often stays on topic Mainly stays on topic
Respect and regard Low to moderate Moderate to high high

Exercise 3. Watch this video. what do you think is your communication style?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWruEPx0eao
Passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, & assertive communication techniques study help - YouTube

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[CITATION Mil \l 1033 ]