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Brains and Eggs

SCEEN 1
(It's evening. The view of a night sky riddled with stars.
Camera's slowly panning to a parking lot on the top of a hill overlooking a town.
Voices from a radio show are heard in the background.)

Male radio deejay: We're still taking calls on those UFO sightings.
I'm on the line with Jennifer who claims to have actually met aliens.

Jennifer: Gary, I have been sucked up by alien spacecraft many times...

Gary: Uh-oh.

Jennifer: ...and I can tell you they are among us.

Gary: Really? Now, what do you suppose they want?

Jennifer: Well, they want my eggs...

Gary: Uh-huh.

Jennifer: ...to start their own alien race.

Gary: Whoa, thanks for calling.

Man: Hello.

Gary: You're on the air.

Man: I saw four aliens in a car. I think it was a Rambler.

Gary: Whoa, stylish.

(Dick, Harry, Sally and Tommy are in a convertible old Rambler.)

Dick: Everyone fully formed? - All: uh-huh.

All: Aha, yeah.

Dick: Everyone got 10 fingers and 11 toes?

All: Check.

Dick: Good. I guess we're in. Everyone comfortable?

Harry: I have three holes in my face. (Holding his two fingers to his nostrils.)

Dick: Can anyone get your head to swivel to the rear? (Turning his head right then left.)

All: no.

Dick: Then how are you supposed to lick your back?

Tommy: Maybe you do what they're doing? (Pointing to another car parked next to them.)

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Dick: Look. Life-forms, and they're cleaning each other. (Rising from his seat to take a better look.)

(Cut to a couple making out in the car.)

All: aw!

Sally: Look at us. I can't believe we look like them.

All: Yeah. (Laughing. Harry holding up two fingers to his nostrils again.)

Sally: Is anybody else sweating under their breasts?

(The others check under their shirts.)

The others: No.

Dick: In fact, I don't have any.

Harry: I have tiny ones. (Still checking. The others lean closer to Harry to take a look.)

(Meanwhile, the woman in the other car accidentally presses the horn with her foot while still
making out.)

Dick: Quick, look. (Rising and looking at the couple.)

That woman is going to drive with her feet.

(The others also rise to look.)

(The couple stops making out and turns their attention to the aliens.)

The Woman: Don't you people have a home?

Dick: Uh, no, we don't, but thank you for the idea.

See? She called us people. (Pleased, he starts the car.)

(Their car radio comes to life. A song's playing.)

Listen. It's that signal they keep sending into space.

On the radio: Louie, Louie Oh, no, me gotta go Aye, yi-yi-yi, I said Louie, Louie.

(Involuntarily, they all start bobbing their heads to the beat.)

SCEEN 2
(Dick narrating off screen.)

Dick: Our home for this mission is Earth, a third-rate planet.

I got a teaching job at a third-rate university.

Now we're looking at a third-floor apartment.

(The attic view. Mrs. Dubcek, the landlady, walks in inviting the others.)

Mrs. Dubcek: Come in. Come on in.

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It's the attic, so it's kind of small, but it's furnished.

(The others follow her in. Harry’s carrying a big suitcase.)

Dick: We love it.

Harry: Yeah, it's so much bigger than a car.

Tommy: Yeah. We'll take it.

Mrs. Dubcek: You know, this used to be the rumpus room back in the '60s.
This carpet has seen more butts than Santa Claus' lap.

(Harry approaches her and starts examining her angora sweater. He touches and strokes her
sleeve making her uncomfortable.)

Harry: Ooh! What is this stuff?

Mrs. Dubcek: This sweater? It's angora.

Harry: Well, it's wonderful. (Raises her arm to take a closer look.)

(The others come closer to touch her. As they do, she gets more uncomfortable.)

I've never seen anything like it.

Ooh!

Mrs. Dubcek: I like the color. (feeling awkward)

Harry: Well, it's very nice. (still holding her arm and touching her sweater)

(Sally’s holding the other arm. Dick’s rubbing his cheek against her sweater.)

Mrs. Dubcek: You're not from around here, are you?

(They stop at once, suddenly anxious.)

Dick: Well, Mrs. Dubcek, I can stand here and chew your fat day all day,
but time has no manners.

(Dick grabs her by the waist, ushers her into the bedroom and closes the door after her.)

Bye, now!

Sally, I want you to observe her.

Find out what women on this planet do.

Sally: Why can't Harry do it?

Dick: Because you're the woman.

Sally: That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?

Dick: Because you lost.

Harry: Dick? I can't see through my eyelids. (walking with his eyes closed)

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Sally: Open them. (sardonically)

(Harry does so.)

Harry: Oh! They're manual. (surprised)

SCENE 3
(Tommy in Dick’s office thumbing through a book. Dick walks in carrying a briefcase.)

Dick: Oh, good. You're here.

Did you copy the mainframe in the library?

Tommy: Ah, I got a little distracted.

Dick: Again? What happened?

Tommy: I was watching these women play volleyball,

and they were all jumping up and down, up and down in these little shorts.
And some can't jump as high as the others, but it's okay!
It's more than okay!
It's really okay!
I mean…

Dick: What is wrong with you?!

Tommy: I don't know!

Dick: We can't leave without that information.

So access the mainframe, enter the net, download, and then go straight home as soon as
you're finished.

Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?

Dick: You are a child.

Tommy: I'm older than you.

Dick: Well, now I'm bigger, and on this planet size matters.

(Nina, the office assistant, walks in.)

Nina: Good morning, Dr. Solomon.

Dick: Ah, Nina.

Nina: Here's your mail.

(starts going through the mail announcing each letter)

(throws each letter into the trash as she goes )
This is nothing.
Nothing.
This is something, but there's nothing you can do about it.
This is an invitation to a party at the Dean's house.
(hands the invitation to Dick)
This is nothing.
(turning to Tommy)

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And if you don't stop staring at whatever it is you're watching,

you're gonna lose something.
Dick: Tommy's just on his way to the library.
Aren't you, Tommy?

Tommy: Uh, yeah, I am now.

I have to go look up the word "throb."
(Tommy leaves)
Dick: He's older than he looks.

Nina: I have to file some things for you.

(She walks past Dick over to what appears to be a bureau by the window )

(Dick makes a sniffing sound.)

Dick: What is that?

It's you!
(Leans closer to her.)
You smell so nice!

Nina: Thanks. I try.

(He leans even closer and plunges his nose against her rear.)
(She’s stunned.)

That had better be your nose.

(Dick comes back up, grabs a beaker and blows his nostril into it,
apparently to take a sample of her smell.)

Is your wife out of town?

Dick: (caught unaware, anxious)

Mrs. Solomon is no longer with us.
She, uh burned up on reentry.

Nina: I had a boyfriend who used to burn up on reentry.

He walks with a limp now.

(Dr. Mary Albright, an anthropology professor

who shares the office with Dick, walks in.)

Good morning, Dr.Albright.

Mary: Good morning, Nina.

Dick: Good morning, Dr.Albright. (cheerful and excited)

Mary: (ignoring him, shuffling through her desk)

Nina, would you tell Dr.Solomon he parked in my space again?

Nina: You parked in her space…

Dick: I know. It was empty.

Mary: Would you tell him I'm going to have him towed?

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Dick: Tell her I already have all the toes I need. I am fully formed.

Mary: That's my parking space! I had to park a mile away!

Dick: Oh, so you have a car!

Mary: (stopping Nina as she walks by to her desk)

Nina, go to the chem lab.
Tell them I sent you.
Get a pipe bomb, put it in Dr.Solomon's car and blow it up.
(to Dick)
For future reference, I have a red Volvo.

Dick: (appalled)
Please, Dr. Albright! We barely know each other!
Mary: Dr. Solomon, we should get along.
I'm very intelligent.
You have an impressive resume.

Dick: (proudly)
I am the high commander.

Mary: I must admit, when I first met you,

I was attracted to your flamboyant nature and big head.

Dick: Thanks, because I almost went with a smaller one.

Mary: Even though I am drawn to genius,

this is a small office and you are behaving like a big hose monkey.

Dick: (taking it as a complement)

You're not so bad yourself, woman.

Mary: Knock it off!

(walks to his desk and finds her thesis on it)
What is my thesis doing out of my desk?

Dick: I took it out.

Mary: My desk was locked!

Dick: (walking towards her)

Which made it very difficult to open.
You might want to make a note of that.

Mary: You read it?

Dick: I memorized it.

Mary: (being modest)

Well, it's just a few thoughts.

Dick: A few brilliant thoughts.

Mary: Really?
That's quite a compliment coming from someone with your credentials.

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I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Dick: Enjoyed it? It's the funniest thing I've ever read!
(takes the thesis from her)
Your theory on "man and the animal within," it's hilarious!
Nina said you had no sense of humor.
She is so wrong!
The conclusions that you draw are laugh-out-loud funny!
(lets out a high pitched laugh)

Mary: (offended, yanks the thesis out of his hands)

I see. Dr. Solomon, you have crossed a line.
You have belittled my work, and you hurt my feelings.
I don't like you.

Dick: I don't understand.

Mary: Of course you don't.
You're a man.
Dick: Ha!
That's where you're wrong!

SCENE 4

(The attic. Mrs. Dubcek, Harry and Sally are in the kitchen. )
(Sally’s mixing ground beef in a pot on the kitchen table. )
(Harry is talking to Mrs. Dubcek.)

Harry: Okay, so meatloaf is bread crumbs, - spices and ground beef?

Mrs. Dubcek: That's it.

Harry: And ground beef is essentially nothing more than a cow?

Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah.

Harry: Well, doesn't it scream when they stuff it in the grinder?

Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, no. That sucker's been dead for hours.

Sally: (Suddenly realizing it.)

I have dead cow on my hands?
(Looks at her hands, wipes the ground beef off them on Harry, then
screams in shock and runs out of the kitchen.)

Harry: (to Mrs. Dubcek)

Women.
You can't live with them, and yet, they're everywhere.

SCENE 5

(Pendelton State University. Physics class. Dick’s writing on the blackboard. )

Dick: So "p" itself is always even.

And we can write "p" equals 2s, where "s" is some other integer.
Substituting "p," we find "p" to the second power equals 2s to the second power, equals 4s
to the second power, equals 2q to the second power.

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And we find? Who can tell me? Anyone?

(every one’s stares back dumbfounded)
Okay, I'm getting ahead of everyone.
- Let's simplify.
How far away is Cleveland?
Pitman: (raises his hand)
52 miles.

Dick: Someone give me another answer.

Pitman: An hour away.

Dick: Cleveland is an hour away.

Someone give me another answer.

Bug: A $9 bus ticket.

Dick: Cleveland is $9 away.

Bug: Oh! A felony charge.

The federal courthouse is there.

Dick: Yes! Cleveland is a felonious assault away.

Someone else.
(Leon raises his hand, but then changes his mind)
Yes, Leon.
Well, come on, Leon.
Speak up.

Leon: No, never mind.

I had this idea, but it's wrong.

Dick: Leon, of course it's wrong.

I mean, the odds against your being right are staggering!
You have a great advantage.
You know the outcome.
You will be wrong.
Don't fear it!
Embrace your wrongness!
Leon, how far away is Cleveland?!

Leon: (nervously)
Cleveland is an eternity away if your heart is there.

Dick: Leon, that is so provocative.

(enthusiastically goes back to the blackboard and starts scribbling)

Where Cleveland equals "p" and eternity equals "q," transposing the logarithm of the heart,
where the heart is an unknown, we find that we are forever in Cleveland.
(ponders it a bit)
No, I'm sorry, Leon. You're wrong.
(Caryn raises her hand seeming to be appalled)
Yes, Caryn.

Caryn: I think that Leon meant that Cleveland can feel like an eternity away.

Dick: (in a mocking manner)

Oh, it's a feeling.

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Yes, I know all about feelings.

Everything's just going fine, and somebody has a feeling, and kaboom!
Suddenly they don't like you.
I think we can all do without feelings.
Who's with me?
(nobody raises their hand)
Your grade depends on it.
(everybody raises their hands)
Pitman: Dr. Solomon, I hope this doesn't affect my grade, but I have a thought.

Dick: Yes?

Pitman: You have to have feelings.

Feelings are like the core of the human experience.

Dick: The core of the human experience? Of course.

I never thought of that.
Tomorrow, I want you all to write a paper for me about feelings.
Tell me how it feels to use only 10% of your brain.
(the bell sounds and everybody starts leaving)
(Nina walks in)

Nina: (feigning surprise)

Ooh, everyone was awake!

Dick: Nina, where is Dr. Albright? I have to talk to her.

Nina: She's gone for the day, but she'll be at the Dean's party tonight.

Dick: Right. Dean Sumner's party.

Tell him I'll be there.

Nina: (with fake enthusiasm)

Oh! I'll drop everything and do that right now!

Dick: (frustrated)
I'm not sure how to get there.

Nina: (reluctantly)
I can pick you up.

Dick: That won't hurt your back?

Nina: I'll be in a car.

Dick: Oh, Good.

Come by and blow the horn.
I love to hear people honk.

Nina: What, are you from mars?

Dick: Mars?
(suddenly amused)
Oh, no.
(leaves laughing)

SCENE 6

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(Rutherford High School. Student lounge. Tommy’s sitting at the table. A blond girl enters.)
(Tommy approaches her from behind.)

Tommy: Hi.

The girl: (turns around to face him and smiles)

Hi.

Tommy: You're on the volleyball team, aren't you?

The girl: Yeah, I am.

Tommy: I watched you jump up and down this afternoon.

You're really good.

The girl: Thanks. We won.

Tommy: Oh! It's a game.

Um, anyway, my name's…

(Dick enters and grabs Tommy aside before he could finish.)

Dick: can I talk to you?

Tommy: Oh! Come on, man!

Dick: May I remind you that we are not to alter the lives of the inhabitants
of this planet in any way?

Tommy: Yeah, but some of them are just asking for it.

Dick: Pull it together.

I'm extending our mission for one more night.

Tommy: Why?

Dick: I have faculty obligations.

Tommy: Don't do this to me!

I never sleep.
I'm exhausted!
Besides, you don't have the authority to alter the schedule.

Dick: Of course I do. I'm in command!

Tommy: Yeah? Well, I'm in puberty, pal!

Dick: I don't care what you say.

It can't be that bad.

Tommy: I could pop at any minute.

Dick: Aren't you exaggerating just a little?

Tommy: No. Here. Give me your mind for just a second.

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Dick: (reluctant)
Oh, please.

Tommy: Come on.

Just give me your mind.

(They bow their heads looking intently at each other. )

Dick: (breaks out)

Oh! That's disgusting!

Tommy: I know.

Dick: You think like that?!

Tommy: All the time.

Dick: We've gotta get you out of here!

SCENE 7

( The living room in the attic . Dick’s unpacking his stuff from a box. Harry’s sitting by. Tommy
enters the living room.)

Tommy: Dick, what are you doing?

Dick: I'm unpacking.

I've changed my mind.
We're going to stay a little longer.

Tommy: (sitting down in frustration)

I'm a dead man.

(Dick unloads a flashlight from the box. Harry grabs it away.)

Harry: Oh, d-- w-w-w-- whoa, that's mine.

Be careful.
(seems to be enjoying holding the flashlight)
It's, uh very valuable.

Dick: (intrigued)
You know, I have an urge to hold that.

Harry: That's exactly what it's for.

Dick: May I?

Harry: Please.
(Hands it to Dick)

Dick: (after holding it for a while)

I find this very satisfying.
Harry: I know.

Dick: I like this.

Harry: I know.

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Dick: (still holding it)

I wonder what Dr. Albright is doing right now.

Harry: (suddenly motions Dick to hand it over)

Give that back.
Come on! Let's break it up here.

(Sally enters the room from the bathroom)

Sally: I will be so glad to get out of this body.

(to Dick)
What are you doing?

Dick: I'm unpacking.

Tommy: The commander wants to stay a little while longer.

Sally: What for?

Dick: Because we can't leave yet!

Did you know that our bodies can produce feelings?
I got a whole lot of them from Dr. Albright this afternoon.

Sally: Really?

Dick: Yes.
And I'm going to a party to see if I can get a little tonight.

Sally: Oh, Dick, no!

Dick: I'm telling you, it's a crime against science not to experiment with ourselves!

Sally: Well, couldn't we just conduct these experiments in the privacy of our own home?
I mean, what can she do that I can't?

Tommy: Lieutenant.

Sally: What?

Tommy: Permission to speak freely?

Sally: Permission granted.

Tommy: Sir, would you jump up and down for us?

Harry: Oh, yeah, and put your hands back behind your head like this.

Sally: I will not.

Dick: Please, for science, truly.

Sally: No!
It's not that I don't want to help.
It's just that I don't know how comfortable we would feel working
together after an experiment like that.

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All: It'll be fine!

Go ahead!
Do it!

Sally: In your dreams!

Tommy: Every night!

Sally: Look, absolutely not.

Dick: Okay, fine!
You leave me no other choice.
Now we have to experiment at a party.

Sally: Dick, listen to me.

Women are trouble.
I should know.
I've been one for two weeks!

Dick: I know.
Which brings up another point.
I command you to shave under your arms.

Sally: Doable.
I'm sorry you find me so offensive.
(suddenly breaks into tears)

Dick: Damn it, pull yourself together, man!

We're going out.

Sally: Okay. Okay.

Give me an hour.

Dick: An hour?

Sally: Yeah.
I gotta rotate these.
(motions at her chest)
It's a party!

SCENE 8

(The Dean’s party. Sound of the door bell. Mrs. Sumner gets the door. It’s the Solomons. )

Mrs. Sumner: Dr. Solomon, how nice to see you.

(offers her hand to Dick)

Dick: (shaking her hand)

Good evening, Mrs. Sumner.

Mrs. Sumner: Won't you come in?

Sally: If you'll back up.

Dick: Please forgive Sally. She's not from Ohio.

Harry: Ooh, I love where you've put these walls.

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Mrs. Sumner: (to Dick)

May I take your coat?

Dick: If I can keep my pants.

(confused, he hesitates but then lets her take his coat)

Sally: Harry, listen, I want you to keep an eye on this Albright experiment.
Harry: Yeah, sure.
What are these?
(shows her a fork with something on it)

Sally: Crustaceans.
(Harry tries it)
I mean, Dick is endangering this entire mission!

Harry: Mm-hmm, right.

And these?
(holds his fork up again)

Sally: Unborn fowl.

(Harry tries this one too)

I'm beginning to question his ability to command!

Harry: Yeah, too bad.

And these are?
(shows her another one)

Sally: (getting irritated)

Cocktail weenies.

Harry: Cocktail weenies!

OK, I've seen these before.
They should be bigger.

(Sally walks away to approach Nina)

Sally: Nina, right?

Nina: Oh, hi, Sally. Nice dress.

Sally: Thanks. It's just something I threw on.

Nina: Yeah. Well, you almost missed.

(walks away)

(Mary enters)
Dick: Uh, hello. Here I am!

Mary: Yes, there you are.

Dick: Dr. Albright, I've been thinking about us all day.

Mary: I haven't.

Dick: I want to try again. I want very much to feel,

and I want, even more, to be felt,

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and I mean that from the heart of my bottom.

Mary: Well, yours up.

(walks away)

Dick: (to himself)

No, I wouldn't do that.
(follows her)
(to her)
I mean… I'm new at this.
You see, I've been getting a feeling,
and I'm trying to identify it.

Mary: Rub it. Maybe it'll go away.

Dick: I just want to make it feel better.

Mary: Well, you could start by saying "I'm sorry."

Dick: Okay, I'm sorry.

Mary: (not buying it)

You could say it as if you meant it.

Dick: Oh, of course.

(holding her hand)

Dr. Albright, I'm very sorry.

Mary: Thank you.

Dick: That felt great.

Let's do it again.
(holding her hand again)
Dr. Albright, I'm very sorry.
(his body and facial expression indicate he’s being close to orgasm )
Oh! Ooh! Oh!

Mary: (freaked out, pulls her hand from his grasp and runs away )
Get away from me!

Dick: (following her)

What did I not do right?

Mary: Go away!

Dick: I don't understand!

(She tries to hide from him in the bathroom but Dick follows her there.
Sally’s there adjusting her bra in front of the mirror.)

Sally: Hey, what do you think?

(squeezes her breasts together)
They seem to have greater power when they collide.
I'm not wrong, am I?

Dick: Sally, will you excuse us for a moment?

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Sally: Come on, girls.

Let's go.
(leaves)

Mary: What do you want?!

Dick: Dr. Albright, I have a scientific proposition.

I’ve hidden a one hundred dollar bill somewhere on my body.
Find it and it’s yours.

Mary: You’re believable!

Dick: I’ll give you a hint. It’s not in a pocket.

Aren’t you even gonna try?!

Mary: You're coming on to me.

Dick: I have no idea what that means.

Mary: It's all right.

It's in my thesis.
It's basic animal attraction.
We all have the animal within.
Some are one swing closer to the tree.
(takes out her lipstick and walks to the mirror)
I've seen you preen and strut around the office.
I admit I like it.

Dick: Are you planning to do something important with your mouth tonight?
Because you've painted it bright red.

Mary: This always happens.

Dr. Erdman had a thing for me.
Dr. Wallach, Dr. Zucker, Dr. Thomas.
Oh! The guy from Cornell who was here for a week.
That was insane!

Dick: E-excuse me.

I have a sudden urge to clean you.
(grabs her face and kisses her)

(She slaps him and then grabs his face and kisses him passionately,
after which, Dick slaps her. A series of them bitch-slapping each other follows.
Finally, they stand facing each other, breathing heavily, ecstatic.)

(Suddenly, they hear the sound of shower running.

When Dick moves the shower curtain,
they discover Harry there,
standing under the running shower,
fully clothed and holding the flashlight.)

Harry: Oh! Oh, Dr. Albright!

I was just thinking of you.

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SCENE 8

(The Solomons are leaving the party. Mrs. Sumner’s at the door seeing them off.)

Harry: Oh, thanks for the weenies.

Mrs. Sumner: Good night, Dr. Solomon.
Thank you so much for coming.

Dick: Good night.

(She shakes his hand and kisses him on the cheek,

after which he gives her quite a slap in the face.)

SCENE 9

(The Solomons are sitting on the ledge of their attic window gazing at the night sky.)

Man on radio: Spinning through space

The smile upon your face
Welcome to the human race, yeah

Dick: What a terrific evening.

I just had a great time!
Didn't you?

Sally: Whatever.

Dick: I think this is the most incredible place we've ever been.
The people are so complex.
I love them.
I just think they're wonderful.

Tommy: You probed her, didn't you?

Dick: (reluctant to admit it)

I might have scanned her a little.
I think we've underestimated the life on this planet.
The people have so much courage.
Here they are, hurling through space on a molten rock
at 67,000 miles an hour, and the only thing that keeps
them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced
faith in gravity.
I'm so glad we're staying.
I want to find out what else they know, what makes them happy,
how they raise their young, what happens when they die,
why they call themselves the human race.
Did they think someone's going to win?

Harry: Ooh, look!

A shooting star!

Dick: (sighs)
I think this is going to be our greatest mission.

Sally: Yeah, he probed her, all right.

On the radio: Isn't that a lovely ride?

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Oh, yeah
Sliding down and gliding down
And try not to try too hard
It's just a lovely ride.

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