Fundamental Techniques in handling People

PRINCIPLES

1.) Don't Criticise, Condemn or Complain

2.) Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
3.) Arouse in a Person an Eager Want

Things people want:

1 Health and the preservation of life.

2 Food.
3 Sleep.
4 Money and the things money will buy.
5 Life in the hereafter.
6 Sexual gratification.
7 The well-being of their children.
8 A feeling of importance.

‘Everybody likes a compliment.’ William James said: ‘The deepest principle

in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’ He didn’t speak, mind you,
of the ‘wish’ or the ‘desire’ or the ‘longing’ to be appreciated. He said the
‘craving’ to be appreciated.
Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who
honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her
hand and ‘even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.’

Point 1.2
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we
usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if
we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other
person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false
that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.

Point 1.3
First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the
whole world with him. He who cannot, walks a lonely way.’

6 Ways to Make People Like You.

Principles
1.) Become Genuinely interested in other People.
2.) Smile
3.) Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and
most important sound in any language.
4.) Be a good listener.
Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5.) Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6.) Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

Point 2.1
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other
people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in
you.
Point 2.2
People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are
interested in themselves – morning, noon and after dinner.
Point 2.3
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the
greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is
from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
Point 2.4
We are interested in others when they are interested in us.
Point 2.5
There is nothing either good or bad,’ said Shakespeare, ‘but thinking makes
it so.’

Important Essay
Elbert Hubbard
Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head
high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your
friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being
misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try
to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without
veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on
the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go
gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the
opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the
coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in
your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought
you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual . . .
Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of
courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things
come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like
that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your
head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.

Point 2.6
A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.

The Value of a Smile at Christmas

It costs nothing, but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It
happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are
richer for its benefits.
It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the
countersign of friends.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and
Nature’s best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something
that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople
should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of
yours?
For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!
Point 2.7
The bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. ‘One way to warm it
up,’ he said, ‘is to remember people’s names. The executive who tells me he
can’t remember names is at the same time telling me he can’t remember a
significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand.’
Point 2.8
Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience
Point 2.9
Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.

How to win people to your way of thinkinge

Principles
1.) The only way to get the best of an argument is to Avoid It.
2.) Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’
3.) If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4.) Begin in a friendly way.
5.) Have the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately
6.) Let the person do a great deal of talking
7.) Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
8.) Try to see things from the other person's point of view
9.) Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas or desires
10.) Appeal to the nobler motives.
11.) Dramatise your ideas.
12.) Throw down a challenge.

Point 3.1.a
5our way o
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and
if you win it, you lose it.

Point 3.1.b
A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still.

Point 3.2
Buddha said: ‘Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’

Bits and Pieces Article

Dont turn disagreements into arguments

Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, ‘When two partners

always agree, one of them is not necessary.’ If there is some point you
haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention.
Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before
you make a serious mistake.
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a
disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and
watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your
best.
Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person
by what makes him or her angry.
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do
not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build
bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of
misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents
out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so.
Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and
reduce defensiveness.
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully.
And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this
stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead
and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We tried
to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.’
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes
the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are.
Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn
your opponents into friends.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.
Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when
all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting,
ask yourself some hard questions:
Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in
their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the
problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my
opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction
 elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose?
What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the
disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for
me?

Point 3.3.a.AlexanderPope
Men must be taught as if you taught them not
And things unknown proposed as things forgot.
Point 3.3.b.Galileo
You cannot teach a man anything;
you can only help him to find it within himself.
Point 3.3.c.Chesterfield
Be wiser than other people if you can;
but do not tell them so.
Point 3.3.d.Socrates
One thing only I know, and that
is that I know nothing.

Point 3.4.a The Mind in the Making

We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance
or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation
and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our
beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone
proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas
themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened . . .
The little word ‘my’ is the most important one in human affairs, and
properly to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom. It has the same force
whether it is ‘my’ dinner, ‘my’ dog, and ‘my’ house, or ‘my’ father, ‘my’
country, and ‘my’ God. We not only resent the imputation that our watch is
wrong, or our car shabby, but that our conception of the canals of Mars, of
the pronunciation of ‘Epictetus,’ of the medicinal value of salicin, or of the
date of Sargon I is subject to revision. We like to continue to believe what
we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused
when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every
manner of excuse for clinging to it. The result is that most of our so-called
reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we
already do.

Point 3.4.b On Becoming Human

I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand
the other person. The way in which I have worded this statement may seem
strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I
think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from
other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of
it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency
is almost immediately to feel ‘that’s right,’ or ‘that’s stupid,’ ‘that’s abnormal,’
‘that’s unreasonable,’ ‘that’s incorrect,’ ‘that’s not nice.’ Very rarely do we
permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the
statement is to the other person.

Point 3.5.a
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled
gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our
frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the
unpalatable fact down our oesophagus.

Point 3.6
Agree with thine adversary quickly.

Point 3.7
It is an old and true maxim that ‘a drop of honey catches more flies than a
gallon of gall.’ So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first
convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that
catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his
reason.
Point 3.8
He who treads softly goes far.
Point 3.9
If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your
friends excel you.
Point 3.10
Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay ‘Self-Reliance’ stated: ‘In every work of
genius we recognise our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a
certain alienated majesty.’
Point 3.11
The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain
streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all
the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth
himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind
them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight;
though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.
Point 3.12
Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you
consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.
Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or
direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would
want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will
encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.
Point 3.13
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours
before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea
of what I was going to say and what that person – from my knowledge of
his or her interests and motives – was likely to answer.
Point 3.14
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting
for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
Point 3.15
The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An
infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
Point 3.16
All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward,
sometimes to death, but always to victory.

How to Change People without giving Offence or Arousing Resentment

PRINCIPLES
1.) Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2.) Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3.) Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.
4.) Ask Questions Instead of Giving Orders
5.) Let the other person save face
6.) Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be
‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’
7.) Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8.) Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9.) Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

A barber lathers a man before he shaves him;

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the

person criticising begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far
from impeccable.

Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time – even if

the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the
decision that caused the order to be issued.

I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his

own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks
of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.

Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower

and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to
apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant
to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are
making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources.
Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within
his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually
fails to use.

Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.

Tell a person that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has

no gi for it and is doing it all wrong and you have destroyed every
incentive to try to improve.

Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you
suggest.

Guidelines of an Effective Leader

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget
about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the
other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that the person will receive from doing what
you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person's wants.
6. When you make a request, put it in a form that will convey to the
other person the idea that he personally will benefit.