WEIRD

In WEIRD, a young kid about the age of 11 walks up to a chair discreetly.  After a moment
he sniffs the seat of the chair and coughs.

Melvin: I’m a strange kid.  I’ve always done strange things but it started a year
ago when I suddenly sniffed my Grandpa’s work chair.  I don’t know why I did it.
I sort of knew it would smell funky, but I did it anyway, out of curiosity.  You see, I
know it was strange to think it and probably more strange to act on my thought
but I find it hard to contain these strange urges.
Like, a month later, I found myself having the habit of licking my palms.  Every
hour.  No matter what I was doing.  It was like an alarm bell sounded in my brain
and I had to lick each palm once with my tongue or else something inside of me
wasn’t getting satisfied.

Another time, I found myself cleaning my ears with a Q-Tip, sniffing and touching
the tip with my tongue…habitually.  That lasted for two weeks.

Oh, please, I don’t mean to gross you out. But you see, I know it’s weird.  I’m a
weird kid.  I get it.  I don’t know why I’m weird.  Are there things that you do that
are weird, too?

GUM SCULPTURES

In Gum Sculptures, a local news channel is interviewing young Robbie as he talks to them
about how he started making gum sculptures.

Robbie: You know why I’m always chewing gum?  Cause it helps me think.
I used to stick my gum on my bedroom wall, blue, lime green, pink, white and
strawberry covers my entire wall.  It’s a pretty cool collage of gum that I’ve made.

There are some guys that play with legos.  Heck, there’s even some people that
make art, even have their constructions in museums.

I started chewing gum pieces and got into building things.  I was swinging my
baseball bat at a piece of gum, trying to hit it forever.  When I finally nailed it, it
stuck to the bat.  I don’t know why but I just let it sit there.  I was chewing
another piece of gum and tried to hit it with my bat but when I finally did, that
piece stuck to the first piece.
Then I got to thinking, what if I started sticking pieces of gum to pieces of gum
and actually make something, like a sculpture.  I got my friend Donnie to help me,
not with making the sculpture but just with helping me chew up all them pieces
and I made my first creation…a gum bat all made out of gum!

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EVER SO GENTLY

In this monologue, JOSHUA consoles his older brother with a cool rag, who just got
physically beat up from their father.

(wiping a wet rag alongside his older brother’s face, ever so gently)

JOSHUA:  You shouldn’t say anything…you shouldn’t say anything because you
know what he will do.  Please, Robbie.  I need you to stop.  I need you to–I don’t
want you to get hurt anymore.  Okay?  You don’t need to keep on bad mouthing
him back all the time.
Robbie?  Are you mad at me, too?  (beat) No?  Okay, good.  (beat)  There’s more
red on the rag this time…look.  Robbie, are you okay now?  Do you want me to
get another wet rag?

(beat)

I’m gonna leave this rag on your forehead cause that’s what Mommy did when I
was sick and it made me feel better.  Okay?

(beat)

Whatever you do, don’t fight with Dad anymore cause I don’t want you to get
hurt anymore.  Okay?  (beat) You promise?  I don’t like seeing you like this,
Robbie.  You’re my brother…my big brother…

RYAN’S NOSE WAS BLEEDING

In Ryan’s Nose Was Bleeding, 10 year old Eon walks into his house with his friend Ryan and
explains to his Mother why Ryan’s nose is bleeding.

EON: I was at Stationary Park!  I was just playing baseball with me and Ryan.  I
mean, it was just me and Ryan.  And then these guys!  These guys, older than us,
came up to us and they pushed Ryan to the floor and I yelled, “HEY!”  and then
they came to me, TWO older kids and they pushed me down to the floor too. 
And I got up quick and they came to push me again and I punched him in the
face.  I hurt my hand but I punched him in the face real good and I knocked him
out.  I did!  And the other guy, his friend or whoever, was just standing there
looking down at the ground and than I saw Ryan getting back up and I walked
over to him.  His nose was bleeding and I put my arm around him and told him
we were okay.
[pause]

…he kept his hand on his nose and we just walked.  And now we’re here and
that’s what happened.  Our bats and gloves are still there cause we forgot about
them.  Ryan’s nose was bleeding.

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TIME TO GO, RUFUS

Jesse is telling his best friend Rufus, an old golden retriever that it’s time to go to the vet.

JESSE:
Come here, boy! Sit down on the blanket. Good boy. Are you comfy there? Did
you know that you’re twelve years old now? That’s … eighty-four in dog years.
That’s older than Gran!

Anyway, I have to tell you something. Dad told me not to say, but I’m pretty sure
you won’t dob me in. We’re going to get in the car soon and drive to the vet. I
know, I don’t like that place either! But they give you a treat at the end and I get
to pick a lollipop from the jar, so I guess it’s not that bad.

Well, thing is, you won’t be coming home with us this time. You have to stay at
the vet and they’re going to take care of you. You don’t need to be scared, I’m
pretty sure I’ve met all the vets and nurses and they’re all really nice!

I promise it’s going to be okay. You just lie down and close your eyes, and it’ll be
like when we’ve had a big playdate and go to bed early because we’re so tired
and can’t keep our eyes open any longer. You trust me, don’t you? I promise: it’s
going to be okay.

Oh, one more thing, Rufus: you’re the bestest friend I’ve ever had.
FIRST DATES
Ethan plucks up the courage to ask Sarah to go to the skate park after school and watch him
do a kick flip.

ETHAN:
Hey, Sarah?

HEY, SARAH!

Oh, sorry. Yes. Ummm, so … how are you enjoying Grade Five so far? Never
mind, stupid question. School sucks, am I right?! (Ethan laughs nervously.)
Anyways: I have a reason for, um, talking to you. So Nick was thinking that I
should ask if you wanted to come to the skate park after school today? It was his
idea, but I also think it’s a good idea. Because, well, I learned how to do a kick flip
on the weekend and we’re gonna film it on Nick’s phone and maybe you can
watch? Sometimes girls come and sit on the bench near the half-pipe and they
get lollies and whisper to each other. You don’t have to eat lollies if you don’t
want.
You don’t have to whisper either, I’m just saying … I don’t know what I’m saying
really…
Sooo yeah. Does that sound like something you’d maybe wanna do, later,
maybe?

DINOSUARS IN EDEN

Terry is in a Religious Education class at school.

TERRY:
Excuse me, sir? I have a question. Where are all the dinosaurs in the Garden of
Eden? In science class, this week, we learnt all about fossils and Mr. Williams was
saying that some of them are millions of years old! I just can’t quite make sense
of the timeline, because if the Bible is right then there should be velociraptors in
the Garden of Eden and I think if that’s the case the apple would be the least of
their problems! Surely you’d want to build some kind of home defence system
with electric fences and guard rails! Speaking of which: if God really didn’t want
them to eat the apple, then why put the tree there? That sounds pretty mean: it’s
like putting a T-Rex in a cage and wondering why it chews its own foot off!

Detention? I thought we were supposed to turn the other cheek!

Carl was picked up by a social worker after a concerned neighbour reported trouble at his
household. Here, he tries to cover for his father.

CARL:
Do I get to go home now? (Beat.) But Lady, I told you everything was okay! My
dad didn’t mean to get mad.

It was my fault. He wanted to be left alone and I went in the room to get a pencil
to do my homework. I shouldn’t have bothered him. That’s why he made me stay
outside in the snow. He probably forgot that I was still out there when he left. I
know he was gonna let me back in. He tells me all the time if I’d behave he
wouldn’t have to- (Seeing her look at a bruise on his arm.) He didn’t do this. I fell
down when I was playing. It doesn’t really hurt anyway. Lady, I have to go. My
dad’s gonna think bad things—like I ran away from home. I wish my neighbour
never called you. My dad always says people need to mind their own business.
So can I go now?

I can’t stay! I can’t! Don’t you get it? The longer I’m here the more he’s gonna be
mad! I have to go back now before it gets worse!

KID HERO

Ash talks about becoming a caped crusader.

ASH:
I’ve always dreamed of being a hero. I’ve tried everything to become super. I let a
spider bite me … no spider powers, just lots of itching. I tried standing too close
to the microwave oven hoping the radiation would change me. Nothing. And I
got in trouble for making so many bags of popcorn! But I took it all to school and
had a popcorn party. I was a hero that day. So I guess it kinda worked?

I love being a hero. I love helping people. I love making them happy. And I hate
bad guys. I hate creeps who hurt people. There’s this kid at school … he’s always
hurting everyone. I am sick of him hurting us. I just need those super powers. I
need something that will make him stop!

Maybe if I eat more of the school lunches? They look radioactive. If I get enough
green hotdogs and brown sauce in me, something is bound to happen! And I
need a catch phrase, like” “Gonna smoosh me a baddie!” And a cool costume!
Actually, last time I was in the bathroom, I saw the perfect superhero name.
“Protecto!” Instead of a telephone booth like Superman, I could use a bathroom
stall and those Protecto seat covers could be a cape- and I could make a toilet
paper mask! Nothing scares bad guys more than bathroom stuff. (Thinks.)  Or
maybe it will really make them want to give me a swirly? I better rethink this…

HUCKLEBERRY FINN

Rebellious youngster Huckleberry “Huck” Finn talks about being forced to pray.

HUCK:
Miss Watson told me to pray every day, and whatever I asked for I would get it.
But it warn’t so. I tried it. Once I got a fish-line, but no hooks. It warn’t any good
to me without hooks. I tried for the hooks three or four times, but somehow, I
couldn’t make it work. By and by, one day, I asked Miss Watson to try for me, but
she said I was a fool. She never told me why, and I couldn’t make it out no way. I
set down one time back in the woods and had a long think about it. I says to
myself, if a body can get anything they pray for, why don’t Deacon Winn get back
the money he lost on pork? Why can’t the widow get back her silver snuffbox
that was stole? Why can’t Miss Watson fat up? No, says I to myself, there ain’t
nothing in it. I went and told the widow about it, and she said the thing a body
could get by praying for it was “spiritual gifts.” This was too many for me, but she
told me what she meant. I must help other people, and do everything I could for
other people, and look out for them all the time, and never think about myself.
This was including Miss Watson, as I took it. I went out in the woods and turned
it over in my mind a long time, but I couldn’t see no advantage about it—except
for the other people; so at last I reckoned I wouldn’t worry about it anymore, but
just let it go.

WALKING MY DOG ISNT FUN

BRIAN complains to his father about how he doesn’t want to walk the dog because it’s too
cold outside.

BRIAN: I don’t wanna walk the dog, Dad. It’s too cold outside. You walk the dog.
(beat) I know I wanted the dog but still…I walk the dog everyday. Why can’t we
have a yard? (beat) What? No, I’m not getting wise but I’m just saying that you
could walk the dog sometimes, too. (beat) I know it’s my dog, Dad, but it’s a lot to
handle. I know I agreed to take on the responsibility but this is insane. I’m just a
kid. You know, there’s video games and TV and my friends…I have a life. It’s like
all I do is walk the dog around. I have homework. Lots of homework, Dad. I’m
trying to get good grades and this is cutting into my study time. I’m one person.
A little help would be nice. (beat) I’m not exaggerating. I’m telling you the truth.
This is getting tough for me. It’s freezing outside. I could die. (beat) I wanna keep
Sheba but it’s, you know, we gotta figure this thing out, Dad. It’s getting in the
way of my life. Please.

Playing Online Chess Games

TODDLEY is not happy with his sister because she keeps distracting him while he studies
and practices his online chess game.

TODDLEY: You keep distracting me, Elenie. You see me playing chess and you
have to keep stomping around. It’s bad enough you always seem to roam
around while I’m practicing let alone stomp your feet like a Neanderthal. You’re
so annoying.

You know I have to practice, so why do you keep distracting me? I just lost a five-
minute blitz match because of you. I had this guy. My queen backed by my
bishop. I could have went in for the kill, game over in forty seconds flat but no,
no, I missed the move, I missed the move because stomp, stomp, stomp across
the living room and he ended up playing bishop against bishop and it was all
downhill from there.

When you see my practicing and you know I have a tournament coming up next
week, let…me…win.

How Noah Got His First Fat Lip

NOAH explains to his mother how he got a fat lip from his playmate Michael.

NOAH: I didn’t like what he did, Mom. We were playing in the front yard and a
bird swooped down heading straight for us and it flew right over our heads and
crashed into the side of the house.

The bird was on the ground trying to get up and fly away but Michael grabbed a
lid from the garbage and trapped the bird. He covered the bird and it couldn’t
get out. I didn’t know what to do but I kept hearing the bird moving under the lid
and I told Michael, I told him to leave the bird alone but he kept laughing and I
said to take the lid off but he would listen, Mom. So, I pushed him.

I pushed him off the bird and I threw the lid and the bird got up and flew away
but that’s when Michael punched me in my face and how I got this fat lip.