RTC SEATTLE 2018

Transcribed by @jup1ter_moon
(with help from the discord server)

“Space Age Bachelor Man” transcribed with help from @kingofchumpz

Proofread by @secretlyabug

WARNING - transcriptions may not be 100% accurate!

CAST
The Amazing Karnak - Karl Hamilton
Ocean O’Connel Rosenberg - Tiffany Tatreau
Constance Blackwood - Lilian Castillo
Ricky Potts - Connor Russell
Noel Gruber - Kholby Wardell
Mischa Bachinski - Adam Standley
Jane Doe - Emily Rohm

01 - Karnak’s Dream of Life

[ JANE DOE ]
I know this dream of life is never-ending
It goes around and around and round again
You know the sun is rising while descending
It goes on and on and never ends

02 - Scene 1

[ KARNAK ]
Hello. I am the Amazing Karnak. This is not a boast, but rather what it says on my legal
patent as a precognition machine. I was designed to predict the exact cause, time, and place
of someone’s death. A rather morbid function, I grant you. Which is precisely why I was set
on ‘Family Fun Novelty Mode’ when sold to the Wonderville travelling fairground. Turns out,
being told the place and time of your death in front of your family, with a mouthful of corn dog
at a fairground is the very opposite of fun.
I can even predict my own demise - I always could. Tonight, in this warehouse, in a little over
an hour.

Before we begin, let me lay down a couple ground rules. The first rule, one that has baffled
theatregoers since the days of Aeschylus: the armrest to your left is yours. The one to your
right is your neighbour’s. If you believe that both armrests are yours exclusively, you are part
of the problem. Also, please turn off your cellphones. I assure you that none of the calls you
are about to receive will have life-altering consequences - except for one of you. My most
sincere condolences - accidents happen.
 Tonight I speak of six teenagers, whose tales ended abruptly on a roller coaster in a small,
dying town in the middle of nowhere: the former Saint Cassian Chamber Choir, robbed of
their individuality in a mass tragedy, lumped together as “Our Six Saints” by the national
media. And my part in this story? I read all of the children’s fortunes. I felt their hopes,
thoughts, dreams - knowing they would board the doomed roller coaster, and could tell them
nothing. ‘Family Fun’, indeed.

Let me whisk you away to happier times, moments before this - when the Saint Cassian
Chamber Choir was performing in a singing competition at a provincial fair in Uranium City,
Saskatchewan. After their concert, they came to see me, whereupon I encouraged each and
every one of them to ‘Ride the Cyclone’.

At 6:17, they bought their tickets. At 6:18, they boarded the ride: fizzy, dizzy, young - their
whole lives ahead of them.

03 - Waiting For the Drop

( Enter the Choir )

[ CHOIR ]
Secure all your items
Strap in and hold on for the ride
And keep your hands inside
Oh, it’s about to begin
I’m bursting within
Climbing, rising higher
Feel my face against the wind

Looking down at it all

At the ants caught in their everyday strife

[ NOEL ]
My god, this ride is like my life
Take me up and away
Above this small town cliché

[ CHOIR ]
To leave this place behind
Oh, I’m just waiting for the day

But at the top of the peak

There’s a moment
Where you’re King of the world!
And suddenly you’re hurled over
Up and then down
Toward the carnival ground
Screaming, join the crazy twisted symphony of sound
 Oh, how I love to hear
Every kind of music

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
Blasting in my ears

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Guns ‘n’ Roses
Chopped Diva
Beatles
Oh, how lively

[ CHOIR ]
It smells like cotton candy

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
Corn dogs and rancid beers

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Coloured lights
And people screaming
Light as reeling
Light as dreaming

[ CHOIR ]
Take me higher! No, no

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
I never want to stop

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Stomach churning
Falling money
Kinda freaky
Kinda funny

Tick-a, tick-a
Tick-a, tick-a
Tick-a, tick-a
Tick-a, tick-a

Woah, just waiting for the drop!

[ CHOIR + JANE ]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ahh-ah
 Ah-ah ah-ah
Ah-ah ah-ah
Ah-ahh

[ OCEAN ]
Oh, into the spin
And then, something doesn’t feel quite right

[ MISCHA ]
A blur of coloured light

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Dizzy whirling around
Oh, where is the ground?

[ NOEL ]
My heart is in my throat
I feel my chest begin to pound

[ CHOIR ]
Oh, bright lights ahead
And we’re spinning and it’s suddenly black

[ CONSTANCE ]
What happened to this track!?

[ NOEL ]
Did they set it up right?

[ MISCHA ]
That’s why my knuckles are white

[ CHOIR ]
We’re flying, floating forward
That’s a blinding yellow light!

(underneath KARNAK)
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

[ KARNAK ]
(spoken) At 6:19, this same roller coaster's front axle would break, causing it to derail at the
apex of the loop-de-loop, hurtling the children to their deaths.

[ CHOIR ]
Ahh
 [ KARNAK ]
Tonight, I wish to give them the chance to express not what they were perceived to be, but
what they dreamt they were

[ CHOIR ]
And then you’re sailing through space
You don’t know up from down
And you feel a little strange
From all that spinning ‘round
And everything you loved
And everything you dreamed
And everything you feared
And everything that seemed so
Oh so terrifying

It’s far behind on the ground

Like our far from the city
Little itty-bitty pretty home town
Just a teeny tiny dot
On a wee blue ball
And we’ve all been spinning

[ GUYS ]
All been spinning…

[ CHOIR ]
‘Round and ‘round and ‘round
And ‘round and ‘round
‘Round and ‘round
And ‘Round and ‘round and ‘round
And ‘round and ‘round
‘Round and ‘round

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
And every kind of music
Blasting in my ears

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
All those coloured lights
Oh-oh ohh

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
Cotton candy and rancid beers

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
I gotta wear shades, ‘cause the future’s so bright (oh!)

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
 Take me higher!
No, no, I never wanna stop

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Never gonna bring me down, down (oh!)

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
Take me up, right up to the top

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
I’ll never put my feet on the ground (oh!)

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
Every kind of music
Blasting in my ears

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Life is about to start
Oh-oh ohh

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
Cotton candy and rancid beers

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
We never should have got into that rickety cart (oh!)
Oh no

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
Take me higher…

[ CHOIR ]
Wait! Are we still on the track?
Uh-oh

Down the drop

Now I know
Woah!
Oh we’re never going back
Are we ever, ever going back?

04 - Scene 2

[ OCEAN ]
What the fudge?

[ RICKY ]
Guys, look it, I’m like- ?
 [ NOEL ]
Oh my god, Ocean, you don’t sing flat anymore

[ OCEAN ]
I don’t sing flat, Noel!

[ NOEL ]
No that’s true, sometimes you sing sharp.

[ RICKY ]
Guys, look at my-

[ OCEAN ]
Everyone shush. This is hardly the time to be discussing the lead singer of the choir’s pitch.

[ NOEL ]
“The lead singer of the choir” pfft.

[ RICKY ]
Guys, look what I can do!

[ OCEAN ]
Oh, I think I know what’s going on here. Mischa slipped us drugs.

[ MISCHA ]
If I had drug, I would not share them with you.

[ KARNAK ]
You have inserted t-t-t-two loonies!

[ MECHANISED CHOIR ]
Karnak! He sees the future.

[ KARNAK ]
Greetings children, it’s time to play.

[ OCEAN ]
Play? What is this, who are you? Wait, you’re that machine that told our-

[ KARNAK ]
Meet Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg. Catchphrase:

[ OCEAN ]
Democracy Rocks!

What the heck was that?

 [ KARNAK ]
Your catchphrase. In the interest of the expedition of time, I’ve taken the liberty of
choreographing a few of your moves in advance. Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.
Our time together is limited.

[ OCEAN ]
Why?

[ KARNAK ]
Meet my executioner: a rat I’ve named Virgil. For the last two years, Virgil has been steadily
chewing on my power cable. In a little over an hour, Virgil shall chew his way through the
rubber, biting down on 240 volts of electricity - instantly killing us both.
As there is nothing more ‘bass’ than death, I have decided for tonight’s concert, Virgil shall
play the bass.

( Virgil plays a snazzy bass solo )

[ RICKY ]
Oh, so everybody saw that? Not just me for once? Cool.

[ CONSTANCE ]
Ricky! Since when can you talk?

[ RICKY ]
Since now, I guess.

[ KARNAK ]
Meet Richard Potts. Catchphrase:

[ RICKY ]
Level up!

[ OCEAN ]
You said ‘play’ earlier, what exactly are we playing? Is this a game?

[ KARNAK ]
Ocean has selected ‘Game Mode’

[ OCEAN ]
What?
(to CHOIR) Guys, really, I didn’t!
(to KARNAK) What game?

[ KARNAK ]
A game with fabulous prizes: like a stale pack of Menthol Kools.
A deep-fried Hello-Kitty cupcake.
This limited-edition Iron Maiden t-shirt, still ripe with the pong of the carnie that wore it.
 [ OCEAN ]
Look, what is going on?

[ KARNAK ]
Perhaps you might be interested in the Grand Prize, Ocean.
One worthy contestant will be brought back to life to live beyond the Cyclone accident.

[ CHOIR ]
(singing) Somewhere sunrise begins another day
Begins another day

[ KARNAK ]
The Grand Prize: to live.. again.

[ CONSTANCE ]
That’s way better than a Hello-Kitty cupcake.

[ KARNAK ]
Meet Constance Blackwood. Catchphrase:

[ CONSTANCE ]
Sorry!

[ OCEAN ]
(to KARNAK) Why only one of us? Why not all of us?

[ KARNAK ]
Sadly, I have only ever possessed the power to bring one back to life.

[ OCEAN ]
What do we have to do to be brought back to life?

[ KARNAK ]
The one who wants to win it the most shall redeem the loser in order to complete the whole.

[ OCEAN ]
That doesn’t make any sense.

[ KARNAK ]
I trade mostly in prophecies that don’t make any sense - until they actually do.

[ OCEAN ]
I take it you are the judge?

[ KARNAK ]
It appears Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg has used up the group’s three questions for this
evening.
 [ NOEL ]
Even in death I can’t escape her! She’s followed me to the afterlife! Well played, Satan, well
played.

[ KARNAK ]
Meet Noel Gruber, aspiring poet laureate. Catchphrase:

[ NOEL ]
Being the only gay man in a small, rural highschool is kind of like having a laptop in the
Stone Age. I mean sure, you can have one, but there’s nowhere to plug it in.

[ OCEAN ]
(to KARNAK) but that’s not fair, you didn’t tell us there were only three questions!

[ KARNAK ]
I believe I did, after the fact.

[ OCEAN ]
Well, this couldn’t possibly get any weirder!

[ KARNAK ]
I am under the firm belief that it always can.
Allow me to introduce you to the mystery contestant.

( Enter JANE DOE )

[ CHOIR ]
(singing) ooh-ooh, ahh-ahh
( background vocals continue under JANE’s monologue )

[ JANE DOE ]
Jane Doe is what the coroner said
They found my body, not my head
No parents came, and so they never learnt
My name
Or who I used to be
My life, an unsolved mystery
From ashes I was made
And ashes I return
And so, I walk alone
And wonder why

(singing) Why ?
Why?
Why?

[ CONSTANCE ]
(spoken) Did anybody just pee themselves a little?
 … me neither.

[ JANE DOE ]
(to CONSTANCE) do you want to brush my dolly’s hair?

[ CONSTANCE ]
I’m really freaked out right now!

[ JANE DOE ]
Do you want to know what really freaks me out?

[ CONSTANCE ]
Not really, ever at all, really. Sorry.

[ KARNAK ]
Meet Jane Doe. Catchphrase:

[ JANE DOE ]
When a lioness has children, she stops making love to the lion. The lion gets jealous.
Sometimes so jealous he eats the children. You’d think this would upset the lioness. Far from
it. They make love again like the children never existed.
I find that idea terrifying.

[ CONSTANCE ]
I’m gonna stand a little farther away from you, okay?

[ MISCHA ]
(to no-one in particular) There’s no wi-fi up in this bitch!

[ KARNAK ]
Meet Mischa Bachinski, Ukrainian bad boy. Catchphrase:

[ MISCHA ]
My gangsta persona is just armour to conceal the fact that I am naked child, wandering in
the wilderness, holding in my hand my wounded, fragile heart.

… that was wack!

[ KARNAK ]
Ocean Rosenberg! You are first.

[ OCEAN ]
Why?

[ KARNAK ]
Alas, if only you hadn’t burned off those three questions right at the top.

[ OCEAN ]
 It’s just when you tie the room together, I think Constance is gonna seem like the natural
choice for that slot!

[ CONSTANCE ]
You want me to go first?

[ OCEAN ]
Oh, if you insist! (to KARNAK) Mr. Whatever, I think Constance and I are going to tradesies!

[ KARNAK ]
No tradesies.

[ OCEAN ]
Well, I’m happy about that actually. Sure, I’ll go first!
I just want to say two things.
I don’t know how it is in your culture, but in ours - playing games where people's lives are on
the table? Super illegal.
Second, so inspiring that a man encased in a box, has learnt to think outside it!

[ KARNAK ]
Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg, born December 22nd. Capricorn - the ambitious nature.
Favourite ride: the bumper cars. Ocean was born into a family of far left of centre humanists,
who moved to Northern Saskatchewan to live a carbon-free lifestyle. The hemp needle-point
sign above the household’s toilet read: “if it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, scoop it out
with your hand and put it in the compost.” Yet in between all the drum circles, Marxist
parables, and cheese sandwiches made of human breast milk, Ocean could never shake the
feeling she was the white sheep of her family. It was only at the age of 8, when she found
amongst her parents’ record collection, an album called “Up with People”. The cloying
positivity of this pro-capitalist gaggle of teen crooners brought tears to her eyes. Perhaps the
most dangerous thing Halliburton has ever created. Class president, top of her clubs: Ocean
O’Connell Rosenberg - the most successful girl in town.

[ OCEAN ]
Judges, student body, ominous novelty machine. I’ve known most of these folks since
pre-K. I love them all. Constance Blackwood - my best friend forever, my BFF!

[ CONSTANCE ]
(about JANE, who is sat next to her) Ocean she’s-

[ OCEAN ]
Don’t interrupt sweetie! Constance is the salt of the earth, our ‘Mary Main-Street’ looking for
her ‘Joe Six-Pack’! Sure, she has some serious self-esteem issues - why wouldn’t she?
That’s why I formed an improv duo, as a confidence building exercise - sound off!

[ CONSTANCE + OCEAN ]
Unlock the power of the positive! U-POP!

[ CONSTANCE ]
 We get pretty crazy sometimes!

[ OCEAN ]
Constance Eleanor Blackwood, you know I find the word crazy offensive!

[ CONSTANCE ]
(to audience) That’s why Ocean scripts our improvs in advance!

[ OCEAN ]
My time, Constance, my time.
Look, I’ve seen enough reality TV to get what you want us to do here. “Who’s the best?” -
sure. Grades, humanitarian efforts, extracurricular activities, prestigious university, spiritual
mastery of both Judaism and Catholicism - nailed my Confirmation and Bat Mitzvah in the
same week. And I am not even bragging about that because it is against my Buddhist
beliefs. I am the best here, by any metric of society, I get that! But if that is how worth is
measured, I want no part in it! Look, some of us are left wing, some of us are right wing - but
the last time I checked, it takes two wings to fly!
We are community! We are family! We are the world!

[ KARNAK ]
Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg heroically concedes.

[ OCEAN ]
She does what?

[ KARNAK ]
I respect you, taking the moral high ground. Next.

05 - What the World Needs

[ OCEAN ]
(spoken) But I was just trying to prove to you that I am a good person!

[ KARNAK ]
Duly noted. Next.

[ OCEAN ]
(singing) No no!
(spoken) I am urging you to make the responsible choice here - for the betterment of
humanity!

(singing) What the world needs

Is people like me
To keep it all spinning around
I’m the mover, I’m the shaker
I’m the headline maker
Mm, I get up, I get up!
 And no-one’s gonna keep me down

Okay, it’s clear, I’m the top of this class

These folks here, well they pump the gas
Fetch me a coffee, shine my shoes
Some of us are winners, some were born to lose!

You’ve got the sandwich artist, the security guard

The Walmart greeter with an overdrawn credit card
He ‘smokes ganja’, ooh it’s so groovy
To stay at home and watch another Will Smith movie

She serves me Coke and a medium fries

And no thanks, I don’t want it super-sized
‘Cause that’s low class, diabetes in a cup
Keep your head down and things will look up

[ CHOIR ]
What the world needs is people like me
To keep it all spinning around
I’m the mover, I’m the shaker
I’m the headline maker

[ OCEAN ]
Mmm, I get up!

[ CONSTANCE ]
She gets up!

[ OCEAN ]
I get up!
And no-one’s gonna keep me down

(to MISCHA) Seriously? This one here, he’s raring to fail

He’ll rob a 7/11 and go straight to jail
Maybe steal hubcaps, maybe steal booze
Expressing himself with his homemade tattoos

(to CONSTANCE) Soccer mom. Mini-van.

Four little brats, no steady man.
Do we really need another organ donor?
(spoken) Maybe that was a little harsh - love you!

(to RICKY) Oh, Angry Birds? Candy Crush?

He’s a real sweet kid, but his brains are mush
And what’s he gonna do, solve a Rubik’s Cube ?
(whispered) how long’s he got if we feed him through a tube?
 [ CHOIR ]
What the world needs is people like me
To keep it all spinning around
I’m the mover, I’m the shaker
I’m the headline maker

[ OCEAN ]
Mmm, I get up!

[ CHOIR ]
She gets up!

[ OCEAN ]
I get up!
And no-one’s gonna keep me down

And as we move through life

To find our place in the crowd

[ CHOIR ]
Some don’t make the cut
That’s crystal clear

[ OCEAN ]
Oh yes, oh yes

Oh, isn’t someone keeping score?

I’ve got to say this so loud

[ CHOIR ]
Do we really need another zero?
Or zero, or zero, or zero, or zero?

[ OCEAN ]
Add ‘em all up, and you’ll still get zero!
What you really need is a fother-muckin’ hero!

[ CHOIR ]
And oh-oh

[ OCEAN ]
(to RICKY) he’ll never learn to read

[ CHOIR ]
And oh-oh

[ OCEAN ]
(to NOEL) he’s never gonna breed
 [ CHOIR ]
And oh-oh

[ OCEAN ]
(to MISCHA) going to jail guaranteed

[CHOIR]
(to JANE) and she’s a freaky monster!

[ OCEAN ]
Yes, there’s a problem
I’m the solution!
Darwin had a theory called…

[ CHOIR ]
Evolution!

[ OCEAN ]
He put it into words, but it’s plain to see
We need a little less of them
A little more of me!

[ OCEAN ] [ RICKY + MISCHA ] [ NOEL + CONSTANCE + JANE ]

– What the world needs We can’t all be
– Is people like me heroes, no!
– To keep it all spinning around Most of us, zeroes
– I’m the mover, I’m the shaker –
– I’m the headline maker –
Oh-oh-oh She gets up –
– – She gets up
– She gets up –
– What the world needs We can’t all be
– Is people like me heroes, no!
A little more of me! To keep it all spinning around Most of us, zeroes
– I’m the mover, I’m the shaker Some fly
– I’m the headline maker high
I get up! She gets up! She gets up!
I get up! – –
No-one’s gonna keep me down Some stay down Some stay down

[ OCEAN ]
Down!

06 - Scene 3
 [ OCEAN ]
What a rush! Who’s next?

[ KARNAK ]
Perhaps now would be a good time to say that whoever is brought back to life will be brought
back by a unanimous vote from each and every member of the choir.

[ OCEAN ]
What?

[ KARNAK ]
Whoever comes back needs a unanimous vote from the choir

[ OCEAN ]
But if I would’ve known that-

[ KARNAK ]
You wouldn’t have called every one of your potential judges a loser, crowing about your
superiority in song, culminating in you standing on top of them in a human pyramid? That did
strike me as an unorthodox strategy…

[ OCEAN ]
(to NOEL) What?

[ NOEL ]
What? You just told your best friend that her greatest achievement in life will be to become
an organ donor!

[ CONSTANCE ]
I’m usually more of a melody person, less of a lyric person, truthfully… (to OCEAN) Organ
donor, is that what you said?

[ OCEAN ]
I was in the moment! Sorry Constance, I didn’t mean that-

[ CONSTANCE ]
Uh- it’s okay. Kind of really super hurts, but-

[ JANE ]
Do you want to know what I find kind of really super hurts?

[ CONSTANCE ]
… maybe later, thanks. Sorry.

[ OCEAN ]
(to CHOIR) What I did there was exactly what you shouldn’t do in this competition. You guys
know I love you!
… Mischa! I love you! I even pretend to believe in your imaginary fiancé.
 [ MISCHA ]
She is not my imaginary fiancé, she is my real fiancé on my telephone!

[ OCEAN ]
I even celebrate your culturally ingrained alcoholism!
I mean, the only reason you’re in the choir is because you stole three boxes of communion
wine…

[ MISCHA ]
It was my cousin’s birthday! It is sacred tradition in my country to take drink on birthday.

[ OCEAN ]
Your cousin was in Grade 4. He had to get his stomach pumped!

Noel! I love you! You challenged my preconceived notion that all gay dudes are fun to be
around!

Ricky! I love you! I got you into the choir, and you couldn’t even talk or anything. Accessibility
for all!

[ RICKY ]
Yeah, then I rode that roller coaster. Thanks.

[ OCEAN ]
(about JANE) and her? So even this thing gets a vote tonight, huh? …but I love her!

My song was a cautionary tale of hubris. You guys know I love you, I love you, I love you… I
frickin’ love you, okay?
So for my real number, I’m going to sing about how much I love you guys! This song is
simply called “I love you guys,”

(singing out-of-tune) I love you guys!

[ NOEL ]
Oh, by the dead, withered, gossamer balls of Liberace, make her stop!

[ KARNAK ]
Noel Gruber, born March 5th. Pisces, sign of passion. Favourite ride: the Ferris Wheel. Very
early on in Noel’s life, his mother realised two things… the second was his penchant for all
things nihilistic. While other children acted out Harry Potter, Noel acted out French New
Wave Cinema. In Grade 7, during the Saint Cassian Christmas Nativity Pageant, Noel was
suspended for suddenly breaking into this excerpt from “Waiting for Godot”:

[ NOEL ]
There is no room at this inn, for it is Christmas! Shall we hang ourselves?

[ JANE ]
 I hear it gives you an erection!

[ NOEL ]
Then we must hang ourselves, immediately.

[ CONSTANCE ]
…or we could just go to the manger, Joseph?

[ KARNAK ]
Aspiring Iconoclast, enfant terrible - Noel Gruber, the most romantic boy in town.

[ NOEL ]
I’ve seen the movie ‘The Blue Angel’ about a billion and one times. If there’s something
better on this earth than Marlene Dietrich playing Lola Lola, the heartless booze-hound
harlot, I don’t even wanna hear about it. I tried to go as her every year for halloween - I
always chickened out. And I’d go as something like C-3PO. But in my heart my halloween
costume subtext was always Lola Lola dressed up as C-3PO! Mom says I gotta try to blend
in. So I tried really hard to, y’know, dial it back. I had to, we lived in a town where every year
on July 11th when 7/11 gives out free Slurpees, it’s like seriously the major cultural event of
the year. I’m not even making a joke right now - it’s like a Slurpee woodstock.
I was born in the wrong town, the wrong country, the wrong era! I wanted to feel, goddamnit
it! I wanted bad love. I wanted a man that would drive me to drink. I craved dissipation. I
wanted to wake up in an alleyway in my own vomit, missing teeth! ‘Anyone who hasn’t
experienced the ecstasy of betrayal, knows nothing about ecstasy at all’ - Jean Genet.
I was a sexual provocateur, and a novelist. Who never wrote a novel. Or had sex.

( An image of NOEL in a Taco Bell uniform is projected onto the stage curtains )

[ NOEL ]
What’s that?

[ KARNAK ]
I was hoping you could tell me.

[ NOEL ]
No! …I worked at the Taco Bell on the food court at the Mega Mall just outside Uranium City.
I had to work somewhere, we had no money. And I was saving up to move to France!

[ KARNAK ]
They named a meal after your passing: the Noel Gruber Hungry Hombre meal. They catered
your funeral for free. They even played Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful on the bagpipes.

[ NOEL ]
Ugh! I only said I liked that song once! Ironically!
A joke was my final song. All of those wasted hours in that horrible mall, dreaming of-

[ KARNAK ]
I feel this is a perfect occasion for a song about affordable Mexican cuisine. Cue the
mariachi band.

[ NOEL ]
I don’t want to sing a song about that!

[ OCEAN ]
Oh, if he doesn’t want to sing, I will! I will!

[ NOEL ]
Goddamnit! Can you keep it in your pants for two seconds you horrible succubus?

Fine.

07 - Noel’s Lament

[ NOEL ]
(spoken) In my life, I was Noel Gruber who worked at Taco Bell in Uranium City,
Saskatchewan. But, in my dreams - I played a different role.
I was Monique Gibeau, in post-war France.

(singing) a hooker, with a heart of black charcoal

I write poems to burn by firelight

Drink champagne and guzzle gin
Good girls call me the town bicycle
Don’t knock it ‘till you’ve tried my life of sin

Oh, Claude, my pimp, knows never mess with me

Last prick did that faded quick to black
I have no idea where to find him, officers
But if you do please mention that I’d like to have returned the pretty knife
That I stuck ten times in his back

For I sing songs until the break of dawn

I embrace a new man every night
My life’s one never-ending carnival

[ CHOIR ]
A whirl of boozy floozy flashing light

[ NOEL ]
I want to be that fucked up girl

He said “I think I am in love with you”

I’ve heard that lie a million times before
Oh, tonight I give into the fantasy
 Take love when you can, when you’re a whore

For I sing songs until the break of dawn

I embrace a new man every night
My life’s one never-ending carnival

[ CHOIR ]
A whirl of boozy floozy flashing light

[ NOEL ]
I want to be that fucked up girl

So now I sell my love for opium

In some rat-infested Chinese dive
At night I burn myself with cigarettes
Just to somehow prove I’m still alive

8 months later, I catch typhoid flu

Kicked out, I see the ugly light of day
Dying in an alley, a priest kneels down to me

[ RICKY ]
(spoken, french accent) My child, are there any final words to the Lord you’d like to say?

[ NOEL ]
(french accent) Oui, tell him that like him, I choose to burn out rather than fade away

(singing) For I sing songs until the break of dawn

I embrace a new man every night
My life’s one never-ending carnival
A whirl of boozy floozy flashing light
For I sing songs until the break of dawn
I embrace a new man every night
My life’s one never-ending carnival

[ CHOIR ]
A whirl of boozy floozy flashing light

[ NOEL ]
I want to be that fucked up girl
I want to be that fucked up-

Girl x6 (riffing)

[ GIRLS ]
(underneath NOEL’s singing) Broken heart, a flask of gin
Tattoo’d with a safety pin
Teeth all stained with nicotine
 Running nylons, shattered dreams
Super crusty, holy terror
Wild eyes and bad mascara
Broken heart, a flask of gin
Tattoo’d with a safety pin
Teeth all stained with nicotine
Running nylons, shattered dreams
Super crusty, holy terror
Wild eyes and bad mascara-ahh

[ NOEL ]
If I could have just one dream

[ CHOIR ]
If he could have just one dream!

[ NOEL ]
I’d be that fucked up girl!

[ MISCHA ]
Hey!

08 - Scene 4

[ MISCHA ]
That was.. Dope! Yo!
Ricky! You play the… squeeze keys mad wicked awesome!

[ RICKY ]
Heightened abilities - I play accordion now.
(he plays the accordion)
Level up!

[ OCEAN ]
I champion Noel’s journey of sexual discovery, however, I believe he should be disqualified
because he dropped the F-bomb in the actual chorus.

[ JANE ]
(singing) Fornication under consent of the king!

[ CONSTANCE ]
(to JANE) Why?

Well, I liked the part where the two boys kissed!

[ MISCHA ]
 What? In my country it is natural for two men to show affection by kissing - not always in
heels.

[ OCEAN ]
(to MISCHA) There is a difference between affection and smut.

[ NOEL ]
Not in my bible, baby. Bonsoir!

[ OCEAN ]
Is everyone’s song going to have profanity in the chorus?

[ MISCHA ]
Mine will only have profanity in chorus.

[ CONSTANCE ]
(she laughs, but stops instantly when OCEAN looks at her) No.

[ OCEAN ]
(to MISCHA) Why don’t you go text your imaginary girlfriend?

[ MISCHA ]
I tell you before, there is no wi-fi! Little orphan a-hole.

[ OCEAN ]
Noel didn’t even talk about anything real! It was just a song about him wanting to be a sex
worker in the old fashioned days! What is even the moral of his song, anyway? What does it
teach you? What’s the lesson!?

[ KARNAK ]
Not every story has a lesson, Ocean.

[ OCEAN ]
No… every story has a lesson! Every story!

09 - Every Story’s Got a Lesson

[ OCEAN ]
Every story’s got a lesson
A simple moral to be told
Although a tale may twist and turn

[ CHOIR ]
There’s always something you can learn!

[ OCEAN ]
A nugget of wisdom, solid gold
 [ CHOIR ]
Solid gold!

[ OCEAN ]
(spoken) Constance! Improv scenario 76!

[ CONSTANCE ]
Right now?

[ OCEAN ]
Right now! Scenario 76 - the Cinderella kid.

And scene.
Behold, I am your fairy godmother! What’s wrong?

[ CONSTANCE ]
I don’t know, I just feel depressed and unmotivated lately. Like I might do and/or deal
recreational drugs!

[ OCEAN ]
Don’t do and/or deal recreational drugs! Do you want to know my secret to a purpose-driven
life?

[ CONSTANCE ]
Oh boy, do I?

[ OCEAN ]
Make a to-do list every single day, and make sure you do everything on that list!

[ CONSTANCE ]
Check!

[ OCEAN ]
You see, you’re succeeding already!

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Ha! Ha! Ha!

[ OCEAN ]
Life’s easy-peasy lemon squeezy when you-

[ OCEAN + CONSTANCE ]
Unlock the power of positive!

[ CONSTANCE ]
To do: help the biker down the road make crystal meth, so that I can do and deal recreational
drugs!
 [ OCEAN ]
Woah, woah, woah! Hey! Hey! Stop!

10 - Scene 5

[ OCEAN ]
What the heck was that? That was certainly not what I scripted in this scenario.

[ CONSTANCE ]
I always thought that would be a funnier ending. Like, your motivational motivator
accidentally motivated my character to like, do more drugs.

It’s like, your character’s like: “get motivated, you!”

And my character’s like: “whatever you say, motivational person!”
And then they go out and they do all the drugs!

Like, oh okay. Alright, bath salts for you, and bath salts for you!

(she laughs)

…you’re mad.

[ OCEAN ]
I’m never mad at you! I’m just always disappointed.

[ CONSTANCE ]
Sorry. Look, I’m still distracted. I’m still thinking about that time that the Russian boy and
Noel kissed.

[ MISCHA ]
Russian? I ain’t no stinkin’ Russian! Vladimir Putin can eat a bag of dicks, man. Screw him
and the horse he rides naked on!
Yo, it’s time to get this party started! Make money! Time to make it rain!

[ KARNAK ]
Mischa Bachinski, born August 18th. Leo - sign of aggression. Favourite ride: the beer
garden. Mischa was conceived in a little town outside Odessa in the Ukraine, by a factory
worker named Tamara. His mother, after being part of the clean-up crew in Chernobyl, was
dying of prolonged exposure to uranium. Wanting her son to be safe, she decided to put him
up for adoption. Forging his birth certificate, she claimed he was 2 years old and was
recently potty trained. When Mischa came to Canada, his adoptive parents were surprised to
see their toddler had 5 o’clock shadow, and a slight trace of alcohol on his breath. They put
him in the basement, and his adoptive mother would prepare food and leave it for him at the
top of the stairs. On the rare occasion he would run into his new parents, the mother would
weep and the father would shoo him away like a horsefly. So began an inexhaustible rage -
 he turned to the last bastion of pure strength and masculinity in society: self-aggrandizing
commercialised hip-hop.
This is how Mischa became the angriest boy in town.

[ MISCHA ]
Yo. I want to talk about feeling. Ukrainian men have two emotion. Rage! and passion. People
always be hating on me and my mad skills ‘cause I am best rapper in all of North-Eastern
Saskatchewan. Grab your dick if you’re in the 306, brah! Yeah… you might know me as ‘Bad
Egg’ on the Youtube. I am well known there. That’s where I met my shorty, Talya. She is from
Kyiv, from my country. And she left me mostly positive feedback on my youtube comment
wall. And we became mad passionate, all night lovers on Facebook, Twitter. We made love
with each other in my native language on all the social media networks! She is now my
fiancé. We were engaged and I was saving up to move back to Ukraine and we were going
to-
Too much passion! Now, rage! I have no respect for this country. Fact, do you want to know
what this country, this Canada is leading supplier of to whole world? Two things. Mustard
seeds and uranium. And that’s good for hot dogs, yes, but not so good for Ukraine! So thank
you for killing my mother, and for indirectly killing me!

11 - This Song is Awesome

[ MISCHA ]
Ah, I feel the rage. And when I rage, I rap about money in autotune. Yeah. Autotune will
never die!
Hit the beat!

Yo! Yo, this song is to tell you that what you is, is what you got.
And I’m here to say that
I am the money!

(rapping in autotune) What you is, is what you got

And I am the money

[ CONSTANCE ]
Take a look baby, he’s the real ka-ching

[ MISCHA ]
Lounging with my homies, Friday night scene
Playstation’s up on my 60-inch screen
McNuggets in the bag, Cristal’s on tap
New toothbrush from Tiffany’s
Still in the bubble wrap

Track lights are glowing like nuclear science is

Sparkling all over my stainless steel appliances
I’m shining like Midas, I’m the King of Kaching
Everything I touch goes bling, bling, bling
 [ CHOIR ]
Woah!

[ MISCHA ]
My life is awesome
This beat is awesome

[ RICKY ]
Robots are awesome

[ CONSTANCE ]
Take a look baby, he’s the real ka-ching!

[ MISCHA ]
And I’ll say it again
My life is awesome
This hook is awesome

[ RICKY ]
Robots are awesome

[ MISCHA ]
Now I’m rolling in my civvie with the pumped-up bass (woah!)
Blue lights glowing, the vipers on my face
We pass around the chronic, we party all night
We start to get the munchies so we stop for a bite

Cruise into the lot of the Hard Rock Cafe

Here come the hotties, here come the valet
Front of the line, we don’t need I.D.

[ CONSTANCE ]
Your usual table, sir?

[ MISCHA ]
In the V.I.P!

My life is awesome
This beat is awesome

[ RICKY ]
Robots are awesome

[ CONSTANCE ]
Take a look baby, he’s the real ka-ching

[ MISCHA ]
 And I’ll say it again
My life is awesome
Autotune is awesome!

[ RICKY ]
0101011

[ MISCHA ]
It’s time to start the party, but there ain’t no party here yet (woah!)
We gotta take a ride in my brand-new learjet
Feelin’ homesick for my homies in the Ukraine
Landing in Kyiv before we finish off the champagne

Up to the club where the rich kids go

Eurotrash bitches, they all checking out my flow
All kinds of hotties from all around the world
But I feel this pair of eyes, then I see this girl
Short-ay .

12 - Talia

[ MISCHA ]
My rage has subsided. A moment.
I am vulnerable now.

This is Yulia Tymoshenko. The most beautiful former Prime Minister of Ukraine. My girlfriend
styles her hair just like Yulia.

My girlfriend: Natalya Muruska Bolinska.

My divine Talya, when I look into your almond eyes, I do not see the boy I am, but the man I
must become to possess you. I want to take all the pain in your soul, and in the passion
factory of my heart transform it into functional joy. I want to take your hand by the
Cheremosh river, and with all Ukraine as witness, take you as my wife. And we shall sing,
and dance, and drink. And then I shall whisper in your ear: let rivers run wild, or let them be
damned. My perfect Talya, I lay my masculinity at the altar of your maidenhood.

[ MISCHA ] [ GIRLS ] [ GUYS ]

Кохаю Talya… –
Я тебе Talya… –
Кохаю Talya… –
Talya, oh my Talya… –
Talya Talya… La la, la la, la la, la la
My Talya Talya… La la, la la,
тебе Talya… La la, la la
Кохаю – La la, la la, la la, la la
 [ MISCHA ]
Oh, my love!

[ CHOIR ]
La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, hey!

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, hey!

[ CHOIR (+ MISCHA) ]
La, la, la (la, la, la)
La, la, la, la (la, la, la)
La, la, la, la, la, la,
La, la, la hey!

La, la, la (la, la, la)

La, la, la, la (la, la, la)
Ahh

[ MISCHA ] [ GIRLS ]
Кохаю Talya…
Я тебе Talya…
Кохаю Talya…
Talya, oh my Talya…
Talya Talya…
My Talya Talya…
тебе Кохаю Talya…

[ MISCHA ]
Oh, my love!

[ GIRLS ]
(underneath MISCHA singing)
Talya, my darling
Talya, my darling
Talya, my darling
Talya, my darling

[ CHOIR ]
I wanna get with you, baby (hey, hey!)
Hey, hey!
I wanna get with you, baby (hey,hey!)
Hey, hey!
 Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

Ahh-ah-ahh-ah-ahh-ah

[ MISCHA ]
Talya, oh my love

13 - Scene 6

[ KARNAK ]
Why all the long faces? Would it help if I were to tell you what would happen if Mischa met
his love? Would you like to know the future that could have been?

[ MISCHA ]
Yes! Yes, I would. Desperately-

[ NOEL ]
You don’t wanna hear that!

[ MISCHA ]
What would happen?

[ NOEL ]
You have a longing, an ideal. Better to leave it that way.

[ MISCHA ]
But-

[ NOEL ]
Whatever he can tell you will only ruin it.

[ OCEAN ]
I think what Noel is saying, in an extremely confusing manner… is love conquers all.

[ NOEL ]
Yes, Ocean, that’s precisely what I’m saying. Love conquers all.

[ MISCHA ]
Love does conquer all! You are man of words, Noel Gruber! Love conquers all. Look at me, I
am physically weeping!

[ OCEAN ]
Look at us all… bonding. Not even thinking about who we will vote for! Cut down in our
youth, we all died virgins.

[ KARNAK ]
 Constance?

[ CONSTANCE ]
What?

[ KARNAK ]
Just thought this seemed like a perfect segue.

[ CONSTANCE ]
For what? I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I- um… Ocean! Ocean! Why aren’t
you talking right now? It’s weird!

[ OCEAN ]
It… was kind of weird, truthfully. You know, I have a saying: “I’m just a small town girl with a
spring in her step, and a song in her heart!” and that song is a medley!

[ KARNAK ]
(to audience) and while she talks and talks, Virgil the rat chews and chews. And my time
grows shorter and shorter. Let's speed her up.

(the scene continues, sped up. No dialogue is audible)

[ OCEAN ]
(back to normal speed) …and that is why not everyone should have a library card! And you
should vote for me!

[ NOEL ]
The only thing I know for certain at this point: I would never vote for you.

[ OCEAN ]
Why?

[ NOEL ]
You have no redeemable qualities! Even your best friend completely hates you.

[ CONSTANCE ]
No I don’t, not completely.

[ MISCHA ]
I will vote for Noel Gruber. The world needs more poets.

[ NOEL ]
And I’ll vote for you.

[ OCEAN ]
And this is why you both sucked at math! What part of unanimous vote is eluding you two
geniuses!? If you vote for each other… if you vote for each- okay! No-one else is going until I
find out how everyone is voting!
 [ KARNAK ]
Minus 10 points Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg.

[ OCEAN ]
Points!? When did points come into this? How did I lose 10 frickin’ points?

[ KARNAK ]
For being a spielverderber.

[ OCEAN ]
What the hell is that?

[ KARNAK ]
Spielverderber is a German word meaning ‘party-spoiler’. On the other hand, given the
context of German history, being a ‘party-spoiler’ might actually be a good thing.
Plus 10 points Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg.

[ OCEAN ]
You see, he’s just messing with me now! You don’t think I get what’s going on here? Fine!
We are all star farts! Everything is random! We’re all just accidents!

[ RICKY ]
Speak for yourself, I’m no accident.

[ OCEAN ]
Richard… Ricky… I am just going to say what everyone is thinking, okay? What are we
talking, like two maybe three years?

[ CONSTANCE ]
Ocean!

[ OCEAN ]
What! It is just math, I am just talking math.

[ RICKY ]
I have to go back.

[ OCEAN ]
For what reason?

[ RICKY ]
For the only reason anyone here should care about - to save the Earth from certain
destruction.
(singing) ‘cause I’m a swinging

[ CHOIR ]
Ahh
 [ RICKY ]
Space age

[ CHOIR ]
Ahh-ah

[ RICKY ]
Bachelor man!

[ KARNAK ]
Ricky Potts, born June 5th. Gemini - the dual nature. Favourite ride: the Gravitron. Born with
a rare degenerative disease, when Richard lost his power of speech, the Potts family took a
vow of silence - usually communicating in a series of strange gestures that only they
understood. The only time they interacted with one other was when they drew pictures, or
fed the cats. They had 14 cats. From the time he was 6 years old and his knees began to
buckle, Ricky was treated to the most appalling cruelty humanity can muster - complete
indifference. Far from growing bitter, Ricky forgave them. For what these earthlings did not
realise was that his sickness was in fact his super power! Born to a body no doctor could
comprehend, no nurse could resist - the last hope for the planet. While others flee from
danger, he runs to it, for he is the danger. You’ve heard the whispers, now experience the
legend in thrilling 4D!
Ricky Potts, the most imaginative boy in town.

14 - Space Age Bachelor Man

[ RICKY ]
You might see before you
An ordinary man, hah!
An earthly illusion
All a part of the cosmic plan
Oh yes, there’s more to me
Than this Earthly frame
Much more than meets the eye
I have galactic obligations like
Distress calls coming from the sky
(spoken) It’s true! Listen!

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
(as aliens) Ricky, we’re from the feline planet

[ OCEAN + JANE ]
Cattaris!

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
And we need you
We fate for war with Earth
 [ OCEAN + JANE ]
Help us, Ricky!

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
For only the space age bachelor man
Can stop our Queen destroying Planet Earth

[ RICKY ]
(spoken) My God!

[ MISCHA + NOEL ]
With the completion of her laser
The Earth doesn’t stand a chance
And the only thing that might save the day

[ CHOIR ]
Is your legendary mega super dance

[ RICKY ]
(spoken) Ah! Mega super dance, of course!

[ NOEL ]
(spoken) Will you help us Space Age Bachelor Man?
You must try to stop her, the Earth is not safe!

[ RICKY ]
I will help you.

[ NOEL ]
Then there is no time to waste!
Quickly or else thou shall demolish it at once

[ JANE ]
Presenting Queen Nefrititi Bastet III, Queen of all Cattaris

[ RICKY ]
Wow, she’s friggin’ hot.

[ OCEAN + JANE ]
(singing) Meow
Beware, Ricky

[ MISCHA ]
Though beautiful, her heart is cruel

[ RICKY ]
(spoken) Nobody’s perfect!
 [ OCEAN + JANE ]
(singing) Meow
Take care, Ricky

[ JANE ]
Don’t let your manhood play you for a fool

[ RICKY ]
(spoken) Some very good points. Unfortunately, my achilles heel has always been my penis!

(singing) And I’m a swinging

[ CHOIR ]
Ahh

[ RICKY ]
Space age

[ CHOIR ]
Ahh-ah

[ RICKY ]
Bachelor man!

[ CONSTANCE ]
(spoken) Let’s go get funky!

[ RICKY ]
Meow

[ CONSTANCE ]
Meow

[ RICKY ]
Meow

[ CONSTANCE ]
Meow

[ RICKY ]
Meow

[ CONSTANCE ]
Meow

[ RICKY ]
Meow
 [ CONSTANCE ]
Meow

[ RICKY ]
Meow

[ CONSTANCE ]
Meow

[ RICKY ]
Meow

[ CONSTANCE ]
Meow

[ RICKY ]
Meow

[ CONSTANCE ]
Ow!

[ RICKY + CONSTANCE ]
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow

[ RICKY ]
It gets weird now.

(singing) Queenie, you’re really quite the lover

Beyond my fantasies
Beyond my wildest dreams

[ CONSTANCE ]
Yes, and now I’ll slit your throat with my cat claw!
And blow your bloody planet to smithereens
The time is right for vengeance
And those fools, those apes from Planet Earth
For they too long have mocked our kind
How dare they disregard our worth?
We must destroy them!

[ RICKY ]
(spoken) What? Why do you hate them so?

[ CONSTANCE ]
(spoken) Why do I hate them so? Surely you know the answer to that, Richard.
 Look at these cruel images! Once we were Kings and Queens of the Nile, rulers of this
wretched planet! Now we are their playthings. And you know their cruelty well, don’t you,
Richard?

[ RICKY ]
Oh, uh- they have much to learn about empathy!

[ CONSTANCE ]
But it’s too late for lessons! Put him in the cone of shame!
And prepare the death laser for detonation!

[ JANE ]
Death laser commences in 2 minutes, 30 seconds.

[ RICKY ]
No!

[ CONSTANCE ]
Your protests are futile, Richard!
No-one can mega super dance in the cone of shame!

[ RICKY ]
Let’s dance, kitty!

( They have a dance battle )

[ CONSTANCE ]
Ooh, nice moves!
But are you adept at dancing in the dark?

( Dance battle again )

[ JANE ]
Death laser deactivated

[ CONSTANCE ]
No! I am slain by their prank-tastic dancing abilities! HGH

[ RICKY ]
(singing) Oh yes, I saved the day
Space kitties, you don’t stand a chance
I protected an entire galaxy
With my incredible mega super dance
I have the need
I make love
Now the whole universe understands

That I’m a swinging!

 [ CHOIR ]
Ahh!

[ RICKY ]
Space age!

[ CHOIR ]
Ahh-ah

[ RICKY ]
B-b-b-b-b-bachelor man!

[ CHOIR ]
Bachelor man! Meow!

15 - Scene 7

[ MISCHA]
Dude, you are so awesome in the afterlife!

[ RICKY ]
I’m the same person I always was. Nobody ever listened to me on Earth.

[ MISCHA ]
We listen to you now, space Chuck Norris.

[ RICKY ]
I guess all I have to say is this: “If sacred places are to be spared the ravages of war, then
make all places sacred. And if holy people are to be kept harmless from war, then make all
people holy.”

[ NOEL ]
Did you write that?

[ RICKY ]
No, it was the Silver Surfer.

[ CONSTANCE ]
I’m so happy right now, I can never come down.

[ JANE DOE ]
My turn.

[ CONSTANCE ]
Aw man!
 [ KARNAK ]
Jane Doe. The one unidentified body of the Cyclone roller coaster disaster. Everyone knew
everyone in Uranium, but no-one could recall this member of the choir. There were rumours
of a girl who joined at the last minute, but as the choir conductor Father Markus died of a
heart attack 7 hours after the accident, there was no-one left to verify. Some believe that
perhaps she was never in the choir at all. I never read her fortune, I sadly cannot tell you. All
one knows for certain is that a body was found in a Saint Cassian uniform… without a head.
So, a mystery.

16 - The Ballad of Jane Doe

[ JANE DOE ]
Some might say we’re released
Pushing daisies, deceased
But we all know the worms must be fed
There’s just one lingering fear
Oh my soul, is it here?
Or is it rotting somewhere with my head?

Oh my soul
Oh my soul
Oh my soul
Oh my soul

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah-ahh
Ahhhh
Ahh-ah-ah

Oh no soul, and no name

And no story, what a shame
Cruel existence was only a sham
Oh, Saint Peter, let me in
You must know where I've been
Won't you tell me at last who I am?

Who I am
Who I am
Who I am
Who I am

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah-ahh
Ahhhh
Ahh-ah-ah
 And from the ground
Beneath my feet
I hear the anguish of the street

[ CHOIR ]
A choir never complete

[ JANE DOE ]
And like an old forgotten tune
A song that no-one knows
Forgot how it goes
Just John and me
Forever eternally, Jane Doe

And I’m asking “Why Lord?”

If this is how I die, Lord
Why be left with no family and no friends?

I’ve got no celebration

Just this consolation
Time eats all his children in the end

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ahh!

A melody floats through the air

When silence falls, does no-one care?

[ CHOIR ]
Does anyone care?

[ JANE DOE ]
Another sad, forgotten tune
Another song that no-one knows
So that’s how it goes!
Just John and me
Forever eternally, Jane Doe

[ CHOIR]
And she’s asking “Why Lord?”

[ JANE DOE ]
Why, oh why, oh why?

[ CHOIR ]
This is no way to die, Lord

[ JANE DOE ]
 No-one to sing
No-one to sigh

Now that all is said and done

Isn’t there anyone to tell me who I am?

[ CHOIR ]
No singing songs of celebration

[ JANE DOE ]
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ahh!

[ CHOIR ]
Just this sorry speculation

[ JANE DOE ]
Ahh-ah
Like John I’ll be eternally
A forgotten name
Some lost refrain
Just Jane

Jane
Doe

[ CHOIR ]
(underneath JANE’s singing)
A melody floats through the air
When silence falls does no-one care?
Jane. Doe.

17 - The New Birthday Song

[ CHOIR ]
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear…

[ CONSTANCE ]
Hmm-hmm

[ OCEAN ]
That song is so overplayed. We’ll come up with something better!

(singing) 1, 2, 3
1, 2, 3
1, 2, 3, 4
 This is the new song we sing for birthdays

[ CHOIR ]
Bouncy and merry
And not quite as scary
The new birthday song

[ CONSTANCE ]
(to JANE) It’s a cupcake. For you.
Oh! … it’s okay, it’s okay… yes… there we go.

18 - Scene 8

[ MISCHA ]
(to NOEL) Drink?

[ NOEL ]
Where’d you get that?

[ MISCHA ]
It’s birthday.

‘Love conquers all’... this phrase slaughters me with its moving poignance. It feels my life
with meaning and warms my soul. How did you find the entire meaning of my life in such a
phrase?

[ NOEL ]
It’s just a cliché… like a popular cliché.

[ MISCHA ]
Dude, I speak Ukrainian, Russian, English, I know what cliché is.

[ NOEL ]
Then why did you just ask-

[ MISCHA ]
I’m Ukrainian, unlike Canadians we like to get excited about shit! Drink?

[ NOEL ]
I’ve never been drunk before. Or kissed a man. Thanks.

[ MISCHA ]
На здоров’я. And your life was tragic. Cut down before the poems could come out of you.
You are tragic!

[ NOEL ]
You think so?
 [ MISCHA ]
You make me weep just looking at you. So, so tragic.

[ NOEL ]
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me!

[ JANE DOE ]
(to RICKY) How do we know it’s my birthday?

[ RICKY ]
How do we know it’s not your birthday?

[ JANE DOE ]
People have names on pretend birthdays too.

[ RICKY ]
You could call yourself Savannah.

[ JANE DOE ]
What’s a Savannah?

[ RICKY ]
Savannah’s a name I’ve been saving up, but you can have it. ‘Cause everything I’ve been
saving has to go.

[ JANE DOE ]
I like Savannah.

[ RICKY ]
You can have her.

[ JANE DOE ]
Can Savannah have the greenest eyes?

[ RICKY ]
Yes.

[ JANE DOE ]
Savannah. With the greenest eyes.

[ CONSTANCE ]
(to OCEAN) That was nice of you. Throwing that party for that girl like that.

[ OCEAN ]
It’s what I do. Strange - in our predicament, she’s somehow the saddest.

[ CONSTANCE ]
 I totally agree!

[ OCEAN ]
You’re not thinking of voting for her are you?

[ CONSTANCE ]
No! No! I’m voting for you, of course. Uh.. Ocean?
Would you ever, kinda like, vote for me?

[ OCEAN ]
Of course I would! You’re my best friend!
… but it’s by unanimous vote, so I kind of have to-

[ CONSTANCE ]
Vote for yourself?

[ OCEAN ]
You know I envy you…

[ CONSTANCE ]
No you don’t, Ocean.

[ OCEAN ]
No, I do. I mean, I got straight As from Grade 1. I was working for something, I was building
a life! You… you were satisfied doing nothing! Baking cupcakes, eating them. You are what
the Taoists call an ‘uncarved block’.

[ CONSTANCE ]
I’m a block?

[ OCEAN ]
Just learn to take a compliment!

[ CONSTANCE ]
Thanks.

[ OCEAN ]
I thought my life had meaning… it turns out it didn’t! Oh well! Joke’s on me! (she
laughs/sobs) My death has really affected me.

[ CONSTANCE ]
Yeah, me too!

[ OCEAN ]
Naturally my death has affected you! Can’t you just listen for once without making it all about
yourself!?

( CONSTANCE punches OCEAN )

 [ OCEAN ]
Oh! Ouch… you just punched me… in the frickin’ boob!

[ CONSTANCE ]
Sorry.

[ KARNAK ]
Constance Blackwood, born November 14th. Scorpio - the secret nature. Favourite ride: the
Cyclone. The only honour Constance Blackwood was to receive in her short lifetime was
‘Nicest Girl in Homeroom’ - three years in a row: an award she secretly threw in the
dumpster behind her local Kentucky Fried Chicken on her way home. When the children of
Saint Cassian signed Constance’s yearbook, they wrote things like:

[ RICKY ]
“Wow… you seemed nice.”

[ KARNAK ]
or:

[ NOEL ]
“I never really met you. You seemed friendly!”

[ KARNAK ]
Those pages in Constance’s yearbook were carefully removed with an Exacto knife and
burnt. Constance Blackwood, the nicest girl in town.

[ CONSTANCE ]
So, I lost my virginity to a carnie in a porta-potty before I died. Like, 3 hours before. It was
kinda porno. He was like, ancient - like 32. And he had this tattoo on his forearm. It was of
two skeletons having sex, and it said “born to bone” on the bottom.

[ MISCHA ]
(as carnie) Isn’t my tattoo the stupidest thing you've ever seen?

[ CONSTANCE ]
I fake laughed when he said that, because you should always laugh at guys' jokes or they’ll
think you’re a cow. My mom and dad own the Blackwood Cafe in town. It's been in our family
since like, forever. The Blackwoods have been in Uranium since they opened the mines. My
family had pride when it came to that. Until I went to highschool… and having pride about
our town was only like, the lamest thing you could think to believe. After a while I started
feeling kinda crummy about stuff - like, ashamed. At the cafe, I would catch myself looking at
my mom, thinking “What a loser… what a stupid, dead-end loser in a stupid, dead-end
town.” My parents were good people, and all I could do was think horrible things about them.
I really wish I’d never thought those things! I got so angry that I was born in the only family in
Uranium that raised their kid to think it was okay to do your working, living, and dying there.
And it… it got all kinds of poison after that.
 Anyway, my virginity. I just wanted to get it out of the way. I just wanted to do it, so I didn’t
have to think about doing it anymore. No. Actually, I just wanted to lose it in the most horrible
possible way. “Constance the lifer lost it to a carnie in a crap box in a crappy town. Why, of
course she did.” And then I rode the cyclone with the other kids in the choir. And that’s when
the accident happened.
We were at the top of the loop when the roller coaster made this kind of screaming metal
sound. Sparks were shooting all over the place! And then the screaming and the sparks just
stopped. And there was like this… weightlessness. My heart jumped a gazillion beats a
second, but I didn’t scream like the other kids, no! I was just soaking it all in. Because on a
certain level it was so rad. Sailing through the air upside down, you could see all the other
rides and it was like… something unlocked me. My heart welled up with all this love for
everything. Images and all this feeling flooded into me like…
Like getting back into my bed in the morning, and feeling the heat left over from my body.
Hanging upside down from the monkey bars until my head starts to tingle. Smelling jiffy
markers. Listening to music and dancing around my room before going out to a party, and
pretending I’m going to have the perfect time. Finishing an essay. Undoing a knot. Pizza
night! Halloween! Watching my baby brother dance naked to ABBA. Being in the choir at the
height of the Hallelujah chorus and feeling the voices rattling my bones! I started laughing
like a crazy person, giddy with endorphins. It was all… dancing leprechauns and rainbows
and unicorns! Streams of chocolate, whirling rides, flashing lights! There’s no shame in
loving my small town! The only good things that happened to me, happened in Uranium. It
took a horrible accident for me to realise how goddamn wonderful everything is

19 - Sugar Cloud

[ CONSTANCE ]
I used to think that life was just a jawbreaker
Yeah you suck, and you suck, and you suck
And you suck, and you suck some more
Yeah, you suck some more

At first it seems so sweet

And the colours come and go
Like the seasons come and go
The slush and rain and snow
‘Till you can’t taste no more

[ CHOIR ]
So you suck some more

[ CONSTANCE ]
I used to think that life was just a heartbreaker
That just breaks, and it breaks, and it breaks
And it breaks, ‘till you can’t break no more

[ CHOIR ]
‘Till you can’t take no more
 [ CONSTANCE ]
I see the world with all its backwards upside down
There’s nothing wrong with being the nicest girl in town
Oh, everything’s clear, now that I'm here on my
Sugar cloud
Oh, my soul it sings a song so sweet and pure
I felt it all along but now I’m sure
Oh, everything's love, looking down from above
On my sugar cloud

Let me take you away to a sky of cotton candy

Flyin’ like a kite on a string
Up-up-up-up and above
Above that sugar coated dandy
Never trade my life for a thing
Makes me wanna sing

I see the gold, I see the pink, I see the blue!

The sun goes up, the sun goes down
Oh, what to do?
Oh, everything’s clear, now that I’m here
On my sugar cloud

( epic recorder solo )

[ CHOIR ]
I used to think that life was just a jawbreaker

[ CONSTANCE ]
Jawbreaker! (riffing)

[ CHOIR ]
You suck and you suck and you suck some more
I used to think that life was just a heartbreaker

[ CHOIR + CONSTANCE ]
It breaks and it takes, ‘till you can’t take no more!

[ CONSTANCE ]
And now I’m floating high on a cloud
And I could puke a rainbow!

[ CHOIR ]
Ah-ah-ah-ah
La, la, la, la, la

[ CONSTANCE ]
 I see the world with all its backwards upside down
There’s nothing wrong with being the nicest girl in town
Oh, everything’s clear, now that I’m here
On my sugar cloud
Oh, everything’s love, looking down from above
On my sugar cloud

Oh, everything’s clear

Now that I’m here
On my
Sugar-cloud!
Look at me now on my

[ CHOIR + CONSTANCE ]
Sugar cloud!

20 - Scene 9

[ CONSTANCE ]
Thanks guys! ( to OCEAN ) It’s okay. It’s cool

[ KARNAK ]
Final vote…
Ocean Rosenberg

[ OCEAN ]
Huh?

[ KARNAK ]
It has been decided that you shall have the final vote.

[ OCEAN ]
Over what?

[ KARNAK ]
Who lives, or dies.

[ OCEAN ]
I thought we all had to vote on that, that’s what you told us!

[ KARNAK ]
I’ve decided the final vote will come down to the one with the highest Grade Point Average.
You are the winner.

[ OCEAN ]
That doesn’t strike me as very fair!
 [ KARNAK ]
In 5 minutes, all bets are off.

[ OCEAN ]
What happens in 5 minutes?

[ KARNAK ]
My death. After that, I’m not entirely certain.

[ OCEAN ]
And if I just vote for myself, what’s the moral? If I choose myself… if I choose myself the
moral of the story is that humans suck!

[ KARNAK ]
That would be a valid interpretation, yes.

[ OCEAN ]
No, no, no. We are going to honour the original agreement, we will all vote on who comes
back!

What’s that?

[ KARNAK ]
The other side. You merely walk in. It’s easy, just don’t look back.

I don’t mean to rush you, but Time is pressing.

[ OCEAN ]
Look, if you could just kindly step off for like, 3 seconds.
“The one who wants to win it the most, shall redeem the loser in order to complete the
whole.”
You knew all along I could never do it.

[ KARNAK ]
What?

[ OCEAN ]
Choose myself.

It shouldn’t be me. I made no attempt to get to know any of you in real life. We died young,
by total accident. But to say that if one dies young, they die needlessly - that is to discount
the years they had. The experiences they had. I would gladly take my 17 years over nothing.
Who do I vote for? The girl who no-one can remember. Who can’t remember any of it
herself. Her. We had a life. She didn’t.
That’s my vote.

( the other members of the CHOIR move forward to stand next to OCEAN, representing their
votes )
 [ OCEAN ]
Motion carried. Democracy rocks!

[ KARNAK ]
As you wish.
Her name is Penny Lamb, born April 7th. Aries - the lucky nature.

21 - Be Safe, Be Good (for Rachel) / It’s Not a Ride

[ OCEAN ]
I never went out swimming directly after lunch

[ CONSTANCE ]
I didn’t smoke

[ NOEL ]
No, I’d never text and drive

[ MISCHA ]
I always wore my seatbelt

[ RICKY ]
A life vest

[ OCEAN ]
Or sunscreen

[ CHOIR ]
I’d planned to stick around and stay alive
I’d button up my jacket when the cold wind blew

[ CONSTANCE ]
I brushed and flossed at least 2 times a day

[ NOEL ]
I never sat too close to the television

[ CHOIR ]
To my parents, I would listen and obey
Be safe, they said, be good

[ RICKY ]
But things don’t happen quite the way they should

[ CHOIR ]
Oh, mama
 [ OCEAN ]
You know I tried my best to toe the line

[ CHOIR ]
‘Cause I thought at first that this universe
Had reason or rhyme
You can cross your T’s and dot your I’s
But steady yourself for the big surprise
Because sooner or later you’ll realise
It’s not fair
Not fair

And broken down and simplified

All that you can do is buckle in
And hang on for the ride

[ KARNAK ]
(spoken) And now you’re probably wondering what happens next.
That, I couldn’t possibly tell you. But I do know this for certain: after reading thousands of
human fortunes, my final insight-

(overlapping fortunes)
Your lucky number is seven
You will get a promotion
You will soar to great heights
Be sure to ride the Cyclone

[ CHOIR ]
We’re just sailing through space
There’s no up or down
So beautiful and strange
But it’s more than spinning round

Yes, it’s everything you loved

And everything you dreamed
And everything you shared
And everything that seemed so
Oh, so terrifying

[ OCEAN ]
(singing) but it’s not a game, it’s not a game

[ CHOIR ]
Woah, no, no
It’s not a game, it’s not a game

It’s just a ride! Woo!

 It’s just a ride!

You might live for a day or eternity

There’s no time for a judge or referee
No-one will measure
How hard we tried

We’re all just sailing through space

There’s no up, there’s no down
It’s all so beautiful and strange
But so much more than spinning ‘round

Yes, it’s everything you loved

And it’s everything you dreamed
And it’s everything you shared
And it’s everything that seemed so
Oh, so terrifying

Turning ‘round

It’s just a ride!

It’s just a ride!

And the world will keep on spinning

With no ending or beginning
So just take a look around
Take a look around
Take a look around
And round, and round, and round

[ JANE DOE ]
I know this dream of life is never-ending
It goes around and round and round again