Speak with Purpose, Not Impulse

BY DAI LYO M

By DailyOm
 Lesson 1: The Cultural Underpinnings
OVERVIEW
What does it mean to speak with purpose, not impulse? To each of us, it may suggest
something different--to pause and think before speaking, to have a goal in mind when
conversing, to listen without interrupting, to choose our words carefully. All these are
things are important and form a part of the whole, but they only scratch the surface.
Speaking with purpose is about more than hoping to change our conversational habits.
For this course, it means diving into the root causes and motivations that diminish
purpose and create impulsivity in our words. No matter what specific, personal hopes
we bring with us, our overarching goal is universal: to bring kinder and more conscious
intention to the way we speak to ourselves and others.

This course will lead you through a journey of discovery--Why do you speak with
impulse? How can you connect with purpose when speaking?--so that you can go
beyond simple definitions and intellectualized hopes to the underlying cultural and
personal sources that harm our ability to communicate humanely. When we identify and
engage these sources, we really can enable change. Through daily lessons and
journaling homework, you will emerge with an understanding of the profound power
words have upon ourselves, other individuals, and the world, as well as the skills to
bring consciousness and purpose to your own words.

We'll begin by unpacking our key terms for the course--purpose and impulse. Given how
broad these terms can be, and how we each bring our own personal associations and
assumptions to them, it's helpful to lay out a foundational set of definitions toward the
goal of the course moving forward.

Let's start with purpose. The Oxford English Dictionary defines purpose as "the reason
for which something is done or created or for which something exists." For our course,
it's deeply important to take this meaning beyond basic want. Our purpose does not
exist so that we can get what we want. By that we mean that purpose is not
about getting something or achieving a desire. Rather, purpose is about serving. Our
words serve a purpose. Indeed, they serve a higher purpose. Even the most basic
words can be spoken in such a way that both speaker and listener grow in the light of
them, even if the words are charged or spoken in the context of a conflict. (More on that
later in the course.)

When we speak with purpose, we speak with the other (or others) in mind. Of course,
we may have a particular hope or aim in the interaction, but we seek that aim with the
other in the forefront of our conscious awareness. This is a reverse of the typical
dynamic, wherein we unconsciously think of ourselves first, prioritizing what we want to

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say or get out of a situation. Moving forward we will use the term purpose not to signal
our own ambitions but to serve the other.

Let's move on to impulse. What does the word bring to mind for you? Perhaps it
signifies restlessness, action, stimulus, or haste. It comes from the Latin impulsus,
meaning "to push against, pressure, shock." Plugging that etymology into our course
title, we read "Speak with Purpose, Not Pushing against, Pressuring, or Shocking."
Allow that to sink in. Take a moment to visualize it--our words pushing against the
words of another, perhaps sending them tumbling over. It's as if our words become a
strike. We may not realize it, but when we speak with impulse, we speak aggressively.
We push or pressure our will upon the conversation, even when our will is good--and it
usually is!

Let's keep that definition in mind moving forward. For this course, impulse does not
signify creativity, the spark of the muse, or acting upon intuition or instinct. There are
contexts in which consciously engaging with impulse may be appropriate, perhaps even
necessary, and we will explore those contexts, as well as discuss how to discern
impulse from intuition or instinct. For the overall course, however, we will hold impulse
to be that unconscious drive to speak that impedes purpose. Impulse is what so often
stands in the way of meaningful communication, even when we have the best
intentions. When we speak from impulse, we speak, whether we realize it or not, with
ourselves first in mind.

Remember, our purpose is to serve the other. We do this by consciously listening, by

understanding ourselves and the quality of our own self-talk, by respecting the
boundaries of the other, by honoring the power and impact of words, and by bringing
our full humanity to our every interaction. Yes, we will stumble over and over, but we get
up and try again. Speaking with purpose is a practice.

LESSON ONE: THE CULTURAL

UNDERPINNINGS
We've all done it. Without even thinking, we blurt out our opinion in the middle of a
conversation, interrupting others. We say something cruel amid an argument, stunning
ourselves, and hurting a loved one. Instead of simply listening and staying present with
another, we insert our own experience at every turn, using our words to bring focus to
ourselves. Or perhaps our mind moves so fast that we simply trip over ourselves,
speaking at the pace of our thoughts, without considering our own intentions or the
presence of others.

But why do we do it? Of course, the reasons are often deeply personal, but that isn't the
whole story. We are also responding to our external surroundings. Consider our cultural
messages. At every turn we are encouraged to seek more, to increase our presence, to
brand our very lives, to dominate, and to win. We are told to compete in order to be
seen and, ultimately, to matter. Even if we see these toxic cultural messages for what
they are--lies that serve the ego and the dollar and rob us of our precious life energy--

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we still feel them. We all absorb them to some degree. It takes great consciousness and
loving-kindness to keep these messages out of our beings.

Take a moment to consider how you feel after watching a violent film full of angry and
aggressive language. Have you ever stopped to consider what effect such a film has on
your inner life? How do you feel after watching the local news, with its fearful messaging
and loud, enthusiastic attention to the negative? How about a women's or men's
magazine, publications that, through words and pictures, entreat us to hold our bodies,
lifestyles, and bank accounts up to unattainable standards of "perfection"?

And what about social media? How many of us have spent more hours than we'd care
to admit scrolling through the feeds of people who painstakingly curate their lives,
brandishing words in order to sow jealousy in the eyes of others? Even a cursory glance
at the headlines of the world, which seem to pop up on our phones whether we like it or
not, provides evidence of how language is used to incite anger, sorrow, greed, envy, or
morbid curiosity--i.e., "clickbait."

Social media exacerbates toxic cultural messaging to a profound degree. Technology

has always been used to influence the culture for better or worse, but in the past we had
a greater degree of distance. We could turn off the television or put down the magazine.
Today we are living in an age when, for all intents and purposes, technology is the
culture. Our devices are designed to be inseparable from our daily lives and sense of
identity. It's not as easy to put down your phone today as it was to put down a magazine
20 years ago. Our technology is also built for speed, efficiency, instant gratification,
and interaction. We now have the ability to anonymously act on our every knee-jerk
reaction. The comment section on most websites provides ample evidence of toxic (and
largely anonymous) discourse at work; words written on impulse, out of anger,
resentment, or a desire for power. Pause and think about the implications of this pattern
playing out across the globe every day, 24 hours a day. This is negative energy
pumping out into the world and into our beings, affecting the way we speak to one
another in our real, non-digital lives.

It is so easy to brush right over all these things, to ignore the impact they have on our
souls, sinking our mood, speeding us up where we should slow down, slowing us where
we need vital energy to keep our senses open, and distancing us from our true selves,
and therefore our purpose. It can be overwhelming to stop and reflect on the sheer
number of words we take in every day, and how many of those words feel as though
they are coming at us--in a sense pushing us, pressuring us, shocking us. Impulsus. In
an effort to metabolize all these words, it is perhaps understandable that we react by
bringing their anxious and often volatile energy into our own words. The great poet
Maya Angelou once said that "words are things." Indeed, in our cultural context, words
often become weapons; things used to obtain power, manipulate, take, hurt, and
destroy.

Even well-meaning words can cause harm when they are wielded without
consciousness. Consider our social media behaviors. The vast majority of us harbor no
ill will when we share articles and opinions on our various pages--we may even feel
righteous about it--but how many of us stop to reflect on the purpose behind our words,

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as well as their potential impact; each one a rock thrown into the great pond, even the
smallest pebble creating a ripple? How many of us slow down and consider the nature
of that ripple? Who will it encounter? What energy does it carry with it? We are all alive
in a time when we have the ability to put our every thought into the universe at any
moment through social media. We must acknowledge that reality and respond with
consciousness and accountability. When we use our words to shore up on our own ego
and our own will, we unwittingly weaponize them, even in the company of friends. In a
world where we are encouraged to be the loudest and the fastest, even good words can
emerge as screams.

If we hope to bring more purpose to our speech, to stop reacting on impulse to the
frantic verbal energy constantly swirling in our midst, we must begin to see and name
the cultural messaging and disarm it within ourselves. We cannot change our culture
and the habits of speech that reflect it until we listen to our inner landscape. The first
step in this powerful process is to start paying attention. It's not so much that we entirely
tune out the culture, which is probably an unrealistic goal for most of us working in the
modern world, but that we tune in to the feelings and energies that cultural messaging
creates in our being.

Let's begin together.

JOURNALING HOMEWORK:
Commit to paying attention to the words that come at you today. What words can you
give to the experience of the culture pushing against your life? Take some time to reflect
on how the outer world of words interacts with your inner world. How do you speak to
yourself and others in response to the energy and messaging you receive from the
culture? Be descriptive. Try your best to go as deep as you can.

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 Lesson 2: The Personal Ground
Each of us exist in our own internal verbal universe. We take in words from the outside
world, and we react to those words on the inside and externally--but we also speak to
ourselves. In a sense, we are all engaged in a never-ending conversation with
ourselves that no one else can hear. Have you ever paused to ask yourself, What is
that conversation like? Is it enjoyable? Is it kind? Is it antagonistic? Encouraging?
Would you want to take part in this conversation with another person?

The quality of that conversation is perhaps the greatest indicator of the quality of our
conversations with others. It very often determines if we speak with purpose or from
impulse. The question we will address in this second lesson is why? The reasons are
many and can be deeply subjective, resulting from the circumstances of our own
individual lives. We will hone in on several that cover a range of experiences.

 Family of origin

Growing up, how did your family speak to you? How did they speak to one
another? Did they talk over one another? Did they listen? Did you feel
encouraged to speak up or remain silent? Our personal witness to the uses of
words in our childhood environments has the power to shape how we speak to
ourselves and others throughout our lives. If we felt the need to remain silent, we
may struggle with making our purpose known. If we were encouraged to speak
up, we may tend toward speaking over listening. We unconsciously model the
speech behaviors of our families of origin. It takes the work of pausing and
observing the way we use words, toward ourselves and toward others, in order to
begin to see these patterns work within ourselves.

 Insecurity

This can be a result of experiences with our families of origin. If we feel insecure
about speaking, we may use our words against ourselves, speaking to ourselves
critically and in the process silencing purpose. Sentences like, No one wants to
hear what you have to say. You don't know what you're saying. You don't have
anything to say. This critical inner voice has the power to shrink and silence us.
On the flip side, it may cause us to try to prove our worth by dominating others
with language. This may manifest as using our words to appear smarter and
more capable than others. It may arise as shouting. It may show up as
interrupting, as consistently turning the attention back to ourselves in
conversation. The root cause of these behaviors is often negative self-talk and an
underlying insecurity within ourselves.

 Unresolved emotions

When we have unresolved emotions, we may be disconnected from purpose.

Oftentimes this means we move quickly into anger, self-pity, contempt, or

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 deflection. When we do this, we act and speak impulsively. Strong emotions can
drive us to react in the heat of the moment when our focus shifts intensely onto
ourselves and our self-protective impulses. We lose regard for the other and for
our true selves. This can also lead to negative self-talk. If you recognize this
behavior, ask yourself if there are any emotions that you tend to resist and why.

 Unconsciousness

Unconsciousness is the umbrella over so many of the deep causes of impulsivity

in our words. In a way, impulsivity is unconsciousness. Across the spectrum--
whether it's a habit of interrupting or a struggle with verbal anger--
unconsciousness is there. We simply don't realize. We don't hear ourselves
speaking over others. We don't see ourselves not listening in conversation. For
many, it may not be a matter of unresolved emotions, trauma, or insecurity, but
simply a tendency toward self-absorption. Self-absorption doesn't necessarily
make us bad people, but it can make us unconscious people. If we are always
thinking me, me, me, how can we meaningfully direct our energy to others? If our
attention is always focused on getting what we want, how can we truly listen and
serve others with our words?

It's not always a matter of wanting big things such as a material item like a new car or
something immaterial like a second chance in a relationship. It may be something as
simple and mundane as wanting the checkout line to speed up at the grocery store. We
feel impatient and irritated, and we don't see--we become unconscious to--the humanity
of the clerk. Maybe she's tired and overworked. More than likely she's doing the best
she can for minimal pay. Moreover, we might be feeling tired and overworked ourselves.
Or perhaps we are lost in our critical self-talk, feeling sorry for ourselves or scolding
ourselves over a personal matter. The clerk might very well be in the same mental state.
When it's our turn in the line, instead of using our words to lift her spirit, to see her, and
to raise us both out of our mires and acknowledge our common humanity, we speak
brusquely, following the impulse of our impatience and dismissing this opportunity for
real connection. We probably head for the door, relieved to be on our way, not realizing
what we've lost. This is how unconsciousness slowly and quietly hardens our hearts.

JOURNALING HOMEWORK:
In your journal, take some time to reflect on purpose and impulse operating within
yourself and in your daily life. How do you speak to yourself? How do you speak to
others? Can you make connections between the quality of the conversation inside of
yourself and the way it impacts how you use words with others? Looking at the list
above, do you recognize any of these root causes within yourself? Do your best to recall
an instance when unconsciousness caused you to speak from impulse. How might the
situation have changed if you had been more conscious and used your words to serve
the other?

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 Lesson 3: The Power Of Words
Today we are diving into the immense power of words. Why does it matter that we
speak with purpose? Why is it important? What is at stake here? Well, if words are
indeed things, as Maya Angelou said, then they are things that can be used for good. If
a word can become a weapon, it can also become a balm. If a word can tear down, it
can also become a tool to build up.

We've all probably said or heard the phrase, "Use your words." Our parents may have
instructed us with this phrase, and perhaps we now say it to our children or to our
nieces and nephews. Use your words--meaning, say what you mean. Don't bang on the
table when you're hungry--use your words to say that you're hungry. Don't scream when
your sister takes your toy--use your words to tell us how you feel about it. This phrase
teaches children to employ their words, not their emotions, in order to express
themselves.

But how many of us teach our children (or were taught) how to use our words? How
many of us are taught to pause and consider the purpose of our words and their effect
on others? It's not enough simply to use words. We must use them consciously. This
phrase "use your words" is directed toward children, but it is also for us. Indeed, "grown-
ups" may need it more.

Using our words for good is a radical and transformational act of resistance to a culture
that would have us scream loudest and react quickest. Take a moment to consider
these words from DailyOM's Madisyn Taylor:

Words carry energy and this gives language its power and its potential to heal or hurt.
Most of us can remember a time that someone sent a word our way, and it stuck with
us. It may have been the first time we received a truly accurate compliment, or the time
a friend or sibling called us a name, but either way it stuck. This experience reminds us
that what we say has weight and power and that being conscious means being aware
of how we use words.

Indeed, the tongue is a fire, and its flames can become an inferno. A fire must be
contained, otherwise it will rage out of control, destroying everything in its path. Before
we regard this metaphor as dramatic, take a moment to consider the thousands of
human beings wrongly incarcerated because of systemic and individual lies. Consider
the families broken apart by deceit, the millions of lives lost in wars because of
falsehoods, and the wounds inflicted on the planet as a result of half-truths. The list of
injustices wrought by untrue words is as long as human history.

Consider the anger and violation you feel when you find out someone has told you a lie.
Now consider how you feel when you tell a lie to someone else or even to yourself? It
doesn't feel good. In fact, it hurts, and it's a hurt that spreads throughout your body and
life. This hurt and negativity then flows out to others and into the world, creating more
unconsciousness. Words carry this power.

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This is also true for unkind words. Few of us go around telling lies all day, but most of us
do say hurtful, unconscious, and impulsive things. Cutting words, gossip,
exaggerations--all words spoken without purpose--words that bring others down, create
trauma and division, and distance us and others from our divine nature. When we talk
over others or keep conversations focused on ourselves, or speak in such a way to
make others feel small, we actually shrink ourselves. This behavior is truly a sort of
raging wildfire on social media, where "Influencers" create lifestyle brands designed to
provoke envy and sell product. Where we have the opportunity to create expansiveness
and use words in order to build others up, we instead create walls and manifest
resentments. We can all recall the alienation of spending time with someone who only
talks about themselves and rarely inquires about others. One could argue that social
media has only amplified this experience.

In the late '90s, the Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto began conducting a series of
groundbreaking experiments testing the effect of words on the formation of snowflakes.
He was interested in whether water molecules respond to the energy of various words
and if this energy impacts the appearance of snowflakes. What he discovered was
extraordinary. Water molecules exposed to harsh words like "you make me sick" and
"hate" formed into asymmetrical, incomplete, and cloudy patterns. On the other hand,
water molecules exposed to positive words like "love" and "happiness" formed into
bright, complex, and beautifully symmetrical snowflakes. Human beings are comprised
of up to 60 percent water! Imagine, then, the impact of harsh words upon our bodies.
When we say words like "hate" to others, and to ourselves, we dim our light. We cloud
our potential. We darken our energy.

But words like "love" and "happiness" and the positive energy they carry hold the power
to heal us. They can bring forth beauty, inspiration, and connection. Take a moment to
meditate on the intensely healing and positive vibration of words like, "I forgive you" and
"I love you" and "I'm so very sorry." These words are medicine for our souls. Finally,
consider the power of the simplest words, which have the power to build or destroy:
"yes" and "no."

It is important to speak with purpose because what is at stake here is our very
humanity, our divine connection to life, and the health of our world. When we use words
for ill, even small ill, we disconnect ourselves from our true nature, which is creative,
loving, and transformational. We render ourselves incomplete, off-balance, and cloudy,
just like Emoto's snowflakes. This causes pain and discord in our souls, which in turn
causes pain and discord in the world. But when we employ our words for good, when
we practice using them as tools to serve and heal, we create goodness, healing, and
restoration. In our struggling world, never underestimate the healing power of a single
word.

Each word is a scattered seed, and each one matters.

JOURNALING HOMEWORK

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For this lesson's homework, please keep your reflections from lesson two in mind. We
will use our recollections to write more deeply on the impact of words on our lives and
the world. Reflect on the power of words in your own life: Can you recall an instance
when words created hurt in your life? What about a time when words healed you? Are
there specific words you need to hear from someone in your life right now? What ripple
effect did hurtful and healing words have in your life?

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 Lesson 4: The Hope For Transformation
Now that we’ve delved into the cultural and personal reasons for why we so often speak
with impulse, as well as the profound power of words upon our individual and collective
lives, we’ll shift gears to focus on how we can change. Change is possible, and not only
that, it’s realistic. The hope that we can transform how we use words to serve others
and manifest good is not simply a fantasy—it’s real. We can begin at any moment we
choose.

In this lesson we will enter into the process of how to do this, which is really a journey of
renewal—renewal of mind, renewal of soul, renewal of purpose. We will be going
deeper into the conversation we began in our second lesson. Let’s begin.

You may be saying to yourself as you read this course that you always speak nicely to
others and never interrupt. You may be thinking that you follow the adage, if you don’t
have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. This could very well be true, but as
we began to discuss in our second lesson, how do you speak to yourself? What is the
quality of your thoughts? Here are some questions to ask yourself: Am I nice to myself?
Do I feel like I’m in a mental conversation with someone who’s mean to me or who
won’t ever quiet down? Do I feel supported by inner dialogue? Do my thoughts build me
up or tear me down? Do I find myself often judging and critiquing others in my
thoughts? Are my thoughts generally more negative than positive?

It is frighteningly easy to coast through life without ever really stopping to listen to our
thoughts, to name their quality and the way they affect us. Observing our thoughts is the
first step, and it is a powerful step. You do this by simply stopping the conversation in
your mind. Stop and observe. You become the objective observer to your own thoughts,
and from this vantage point you have the perspective to witness negativity at work in
your mind and life and to change or redirect your thoughts. This is the moment when we
realize that we are not our thoughts, when we are freed from the control of the inner
critic. Rejoice in this freedom!

It’s important for us to understand that this is a lifelong practice. The negativity will
diminish as we grow in consciousness and practice intentionality in redirecting our
negative thought patterns, but it’s not as if the inner critic disappears completely. This is
a human struggle, and we are all in it together. But it does improve. The inner critic
wants our attention. It wants us to listen to it and obey. The amazing thing is that once
we start observing the inner critic for what it is—usually a liar and/or a grump—without
giving it credence, it quiets down.

Once we begin this journey of pausing and observing our thoughts, it’s important that
we open ourselves up to going further. The Book of Luke tells us that “the mouth speaks
what the heart is full of.” Our thoughts and our words are a reflection of what is
happening in our innermost being. If our hearts are full of bitterness, we will speak
critically toward and about others. If our hearts are full of gratitude, we will honor and
accept others, using our words in such a way that they feel this warmth.

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In order to truly change the way we speak to ourselves and others, we must ultimately
look to our own hearts. What do we find there—anger? Envy? Resentment? Sorrow?
This may be a painful excavation process, but until we look deeply at what might
be causing our negative thoughts and words, we will not be able to create meaningful
change.

This may feel a little overwhelming at first, and it’s wise to take baby steps. As we
discussed the first two lessons, oftentimes negativity has its source in the personal
and/or the external environment. Once we recognize this, we can begin to bring the
negativity and the inner critic to consciousness— into the light.

We do this by taking an extra step after we pause and observe our thoughts, asking
ourselves why did I say these words or think these words or type these words. We
attempt to locate the reason. Was it something personal, like a memory from
childhood? Or was it something outside, for example a post we saw on social media
that triggered intense emotion or a look on someone’s face? We then name this. It’s a
very simple yet courageous act.

We begin to speak with purpose, one act of naming at a time.

Pause.

Observe.

Locate.

Name.

Each act builds upon the other until this process becomes an organic part of the way we
think, speak, and interact. This is the birth of consciousness, and consciousness opens
up our energy to the present. When we inhabit the present, we no longer operate solely
from impulse. The present is where we renew ourselves, free up creative energy, and
speak with purpose. We actually present to the other.

JOURNALING HOMEWORK
For this lesson’s homework, you are invited to take part in this transformative process.
Return to the instance you reflected upon in your lesson three homework. You may also
choose another instance, just make sure that you choose one in which you were the
speaker. Close your eyes and put yourself there. Pause. Slow down and allow the
memory to play out. Observe your thoughts in that moment. Try to remember the quality
of your thoughts. What was your inner dialogue like? What is it like now? 

Now, locate the immediate source or trigger (as best as you can) of your words in that
moment. Internal, external, or both? It’s okay if you need to take some time to think
about this. Finally, when you’re ready, ask yourself what lies beneath the words, in your
innermost self, in your heart? In your journal, set aside quiet time to name this.

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 Lesson 5: The Yearning To Discern
Each of our lessons builds upon the other. We are now ready to turn our attention to the
practice and skill of discernment. As we grow in consciousness, we grow in
discernment. But discernment isn’t really possible without consciousness. We must start
from the beginning, with ourselves and our environments, with a longing to understand
the sources of our words and a desire to change. It’s not something that simply
happens. Discernment is something that emerges as we devote ourselves to the work
of developing consciousness. We must yearn to discern. 

Let’s start by unpacking the word itself. The Oxford English Dictionary defines

discernment as “the ability to judge well.” The word discern comes from the
Latin, discernere, meaning “to separate, set apart, divide, distribute, distinguish,
perceive.” Taking our first step from here, we see that discernment can be seen as
separating this from that, one from the other, the good from bad, the helpful from
unhelpful. In the Burmese Pali language, the word for discernment is pañña, translated
as “wisdom.” In their understanding, discernment and wisdom are the same things. Let’s
carry that meaning with us as we grow in discernment.

Through unpacking the etymology and meanings of discernment we can see clearly
how closely tied discernment is to purpose. Discernment is what leads to purpose in our
lives, and anyone who practices purpose in their speech has also committed to the
practice of discernment. We may find ourselves tempted to think that we can skip over
the work of pausing, observing, locating, and naming and still arrive at discernment, but
without true self-reflection and a willingness to be honest without ourselves, any
attempts we make at discerning purpose will end up falsely inflated by the ego and will
ultimately fall flat or remain superficial. It’s necessary that we wholeheartedly put in the
work. Remember that it is active and ongoing, interacting with our daily lives.
Discernment can apply to so many areas of life—vocation, relationships, finances,
spirituality. But since our course is about speaking with purpose, we will focus in on
discernment of our speech, of the words we direct at others and ourselves.

Discernment is an intentional action. It is an act of listening. Once we begin tuning into

ourselves to the personal and/or cultural reasons that often motivate our words, we
really begin to hear on a level we never did before, but we must make the choice to
listen. Our ears open along with our understanding. Ask yourself, “How do I usually
listen? Do I tend to think about other things while others are speaking, listening just
enough to provide a response? Do I jump ahead or wait until it’s my turn to speak? Do I
make eye contact in conversation or avert my eyes?

All these habits of speech center us in ego or in fear. They disconnect us with purpose,
and they block us from discernment. However, there is another way to listen. When we
listen with our full attention, with our thoughts and our energy pouring into the other, and
our eyes focused on their eyes, we can discern the humanity in the other. We start to
notice, not only who they are in their soul, but also how they respond to us. We can
discern their gifts, as well as our own. Perhaps you have a gift for making people feel
known or for motivating people toward their gifts. You learn this about yourself,

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paradoxically, through listening. When we listen with our full beings, we have the ability
to bring purpose to others and, through this, realize purpose in ourselves. If someone
says to you, you are a great listener, listen to them! This is a gift you might never have
realized were it not for discernment.

It’s important to repeat that discernment is an intentional action, one in which listening is
actually embodied. Through this intentionality we begin to pick up on subtle changes in
ourselves and the other, which guide us toward connecting with purpose. Before we
even speak a word, we sense how what we are about to say may affect our inner and
outer landscape. Will these words create or destroy? Will they harm or heal? Are they
reactive or intentional? Do they serve? These questions make up the separating of this
from that, of distinguishing what is purposeful from what is impulsive. They nudge us
toward right speech. However, we may not always get an answer. When this happens,
perhaps it is best to wait to speak, to practice listening in silence. The absence of words
can be just as powerful (and healing) as the presence of words.

JOURNALING HOMEWORK
Your homework for today’s lesson is to begin practicing discernment. Remember that
discernment is active and intentional, not passive. In your next conversation with
someone, practice listening with your body, with your full being. Maintain eye contact.
Pay attention not only to their words but to their tone of voice, facial expressions, and
body language. What do you discern about the other in listening this way? What do you
discern within yourself? Do you find yourself calming down or itching to speak? What
words come up for you, and what is the purpose behind those words? Also, notice
whether they are fully listening to you. If not, reflect on how this makes you feel. If so,
reflect on your experience of being heard with another’s full being.

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 Lesson 6: The Time For Purpose
Before we move to our final lesson, it’s important to pause and ask ourselves whether
impulse in words is ever good. Are there times when impulse is helpful? The answer is
yes, but let’s refine this together.

Of course, there are times in life when impulse is essential—when we sense danger
and jump out of harm’s way, when we dive into a new opportunity, or when, overcome
with feeling, we act or speak or write from our hearts. Impulse is not something to be
entirely stuffed down inside of ourselves and ignored. It’s part of our humanity.
However, when it comes to speech, impulse is not necessarily something to
be acted upon.

A helpful way to approach understanding this in terms of our words is to unpack impulse
in the light of intuition. The Oxford English Dictionary defines intuition as “the ability to
understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.” The
word comes from the Latin, intuitionem, meaning “a looking at, consideration.” From this
definition, we can come to understand intuition as a thoughtful, gentler, and more
conscious cousin of impulse. Both eschew conscious reasoning, however, impulse
comes from within and moves quickly while intuition slows down and considers.

Let’s look at a few examples. Say your intuition leads you toward someone, and you
develop feelings for this person. Then one day, after spending a happy afternoon
together, you express your feelings. While you may have spoken your feelings on
impulse, we can see how intuition is working hand-in-hand with impulse here, in a sense
guiding it. This is not to say your feelings will necessarily be reciprocated, but in a case
like this, impulse and intuition work together to move us forward, to challenge us toward
vulnerability, authenticity, and growth.

Now for a different sort of example. If you speak unkind words to someone you love, is it
more likely that you’d say the words arose out of impulse in the heat of anger or
frustration, or would you say the words came from intuition? You would say they arose
from impulse, right? It almost sounds strange (and nonsensical) to say that unkind
words would come from intuition. In a situation like this, you can see that intuition isn’t
even present. Protective instinct, perhaps, but not intuition. Impulse is just acting out on
its own.

When you feel an impulse moving in your being, commend yourself because the very
fact of your noticing this is a significant growth in consciousness. Then ask yourself
whether intuition is present. Is intuition hovering near this rising impulse? If it is, follow
its trail. See where it leads you. It may nudge you to act or perhaps not. If intuition is
nowhere in the picture, it is more than likely best to remain quiet, to practice listening.
You must discern whether impulse is working with intuition toward goodness, toward
purpose.

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This brings up another important point. Speaking with purpose, not impulse, does not
mean that we are always nice or polite. Plenty of nice words are spoken without
purpose. If you feel conviction in your heart to speak true words to someone who may
not want to hear what you have to say, ignoring your conviction and instead acting as
though you have nothing to say is speaking without purpose. Pretending may not
necessarily be impulsive, but it amounts to the same thing in its emptiness. Purposeful
words are never false or faked.

There are times when purpose asks us to speak up for what we believe. Consider great
historical figures like Susan B. Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr.
(and so many other women and men throughout time). These individuals spoke words
of conviction, profoundly true words about equality, justice, and nonviolence, but they
were not always “nice” words.

The important distinction is that while they spoke (and wrote) passionately, they also
spoke thoughtfully and respectfully. It is doubtful that if they were alive today, even in
our social media culture of instant gratification, they would engage in social media wars
or the darkness of anonymous comment boards or partake in the endless news cycle
with vitriolic and reactive emotion. It is more likely that they would urge us to slow down,
to observe, to listen, and to consider. To speak and write when the words will matter.
We may not see our purpose realized, and we may still feel the impulse to react
instantly, as they probably did in their time, but the presence of impulse does not signify
the need to react, and meaningful, true words never go to waste.

This brings us back to discernment—discernment as wisdom. While we may not often

be tasked with speaking out in the face of social injustices in our daily lives, we must
discern whether purpose requires us to speak uncomfortable truths. We must also
discern how to do this with consideration and respect. This will give our words impact,
whether they are spoken to crowds or in the context of personal relationships or conflict.

In closing, it’s worth noting that this principle also applies to the way we speak to
ourselves. There are times when we need to speak with purpose to ourselves, even if it
makes us uncomfortable. However, we must discern words of conviction from cruel
words. Tearing ourselves down is not the same thing as challenging ourselves toward
transformation.

JOURNALING HOMEWORK
In your journal, reflect on a time when speaking with purpose led you to speak the truth,
even if it made you uncomfortable. Were you able to use your words respectfully and
thoughtfully? If not, reflect on how you might have made your words more purposeful. If
so, how did your words change or impact the situation?

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Lesson 7: The Presence Of Words In Our
Daily Lives
We’ve arrived at our final lesson. We’ve delved into the meaning of purpose and
impulse in our words, the cultural and personal contexts that affect our words, as well as
the power of words to impact our souls, our communities, and the world. Words are
things that can hurt and heal. We’ve looked at how we can transform our words,
deepening our consciousness and growing in our ability to act as a listening presence to
others, as well as the need to practice discernment as speakers, listeners, and in our
intuitive life as we feel impulse rising.

Now, for our final lesson, we will focus on how to bring all these teachings out of our
beings and into the world, how to synthesize them into simple daily actions, and apply
them in a practical sense to our lives.

To begin, let’s return to our first lesson, to our definition of purpose: The Oxford English
Dictionary defines purpose as “the reason for which something is done or created or for
which something exists.” For our course, it’s deeply important to take this meaning
beyond basic want. Our purpose does not exist so that we can get what we want. By
that we mean that purpose is not about getting something or achieving a desire. Rather,
purpose is about serving. Our words serve a purpose. Indeed, they serve a higher
purpose.

Purpose is about serving. And how do we serve? First, we commit ourselves to the work
of this course—pursuing and naming the sources of impulsivity in our words, doing the
work of renewing our inner lives, practicing discernment—and then, amid this journey,
we:

 Open our senses

People who are ready to serve are present to the realities and needs of others.
It’s one thing to read about doing this and another to embody and practice it. It’s
not as complicated as you might think! At any moment of the day, wherever you
are, whatever you’re doing, slow down and start looking around. What colors do
you see? What do you hear? Are the birds singing? What do you smell? Noticing
these details will ground you in the moment. The reality of the human being
you’re speaking to will to come alive—their smile, their voice, their eyes. Now you
are ready to receive their words. Now you are read to hear their needs and speak
with purpose.

 Make eye contact

This may seem like an obvious suggestion. We all know that making eye contact
is important for interpersonal connections. But when we make eye contact and
listen, while sincerely undertaking consciousness work like the work we’ve begun

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 in this course, our eye contact goes deeper. You see much more, and the other
is able to see more of you. The phrase “the eyes are the windows to the soul”
holds more meaning.

 Cultivate curiosity

Ask questions. Shift the focus away from yourself and onto others. This is a
consciousness practice in and of itself. Notice your active choice to not focus on
yourself and to instead pour energy and attention into others. You’ll begin to
notice how much you receive by giving your attention, curiosity, and presence to
others. This truth applies to your personal and professional relationships, as well
as the conversations you have in passing throughout the day. Next time you’re in
line for coffee, instead of looking down at your phone, look around. What is the
energy of the coffee shop? What is the person beside you doing? Consider
saying hello. If they brush you off, surprise them by buying their coffee. Ask the
barista how they’re doing. Ask what their favorite drink is. These small actions
may seem inconsequential, but they carry profound power to lift and change our
spirits and the spirits of those around us. Never underestimate this power.

 Practice positivity on social media

This may seem like an area to avoid when learning to speak with purpose, not
impulse, but if we are to integrate these lessons into our daily lives, it’s more than
likely unrealistic for all of us to disconnect from social media. If you are able to do
this, then please do. If not, let’s practice applying the course to our use of social
media. This may mean “muting” or even unfollowing individuals who deplete us
and create negative and impulsive energy in our beings. If some of these
individuals are people we cannot simply “unfollow” for personal or professional
reasons, practice turning the other cheek. If a post makes you jealous, leave a
supportive comment, diffusing the jealous impulse with kindness and reminding
yourself that there is room for everyone’s dreams to flourish. If a post makes you
sad, consider respectfully sharing why in the comments, allowing yourself to be
vulnerable and perhaps creating a compelling conversation. If a post makes you
feel anger, practice silence by simply moving on from it without a word. As toxic
as social media can be, it also has the potential to become a space in which we
challenge ourselves to practice handing out love with abandon.

IN CLOSING
The more we grow in consciousness, the more we notice how words affect our hearts,
our energy, and the hearts and energy of others. If we want to create goodness in this
world we share, we have a responsibility to examine the source of our words and honor
the profound power of words. For all of this work to go beyond the surface, it must come
from a deeper, committed place. Words are a medium of the soul.

In the words of DailyOM’s Madisyn Taylor: “When we carefully listen to others before we
speak, our words have more integrity, and when we take the time to center ourselves

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before speaking, we truly begin to harness the power of speech. Then our words can be
intelligent messengers of healing and light, transmitting deep and positive feelings to
those who receive them.” May your words be a mark of your integrity!

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