An extract from:

The healing journey demystified

Achieving sustainability one heart at a time
Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith

Appendices are available for free in this document. E-book (PDF) or printed book available for purchase at: http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-healingjourney-demystified-achieving-sustainability-one-heart-ata-time/14687947.
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Cover and book design by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith Published in Australia by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to support your emotional and spiritual well-being. The author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions should you use any of the information made available in this book or via their website.

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith The moral rights of the author have been asserted.
National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry Author: Smith, Jodi-Anne. Title: The healing journey demystified: achieving sustainability one heart at a time / Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith. Edition: 1st ed. ISBN: 9780987069702 (ebook) ISBN: 9780987069719 (pbk.) Notes: Includes bibliographical references. Subjects: Self-actualization (Psychology) Life change events--Psychological aspects. Adult child abuse victims. Dewey Number: 158.1

To contact the author visit her website www.emergingself.com.au.

 Contents
Appendix 1: Behaviours of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) Appendix 2: Child Abuse healing stages Appendix 3: Support for healing 9 15 31 5 4

Appendix 4: Art as emotional release

Appendix 5: The healing journey through dreams Appendix 6: My 10 life principles About the author 69 64

Appendix 1: Behaviours of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA)

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behaviour is. 2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. 3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people. 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible. 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. 13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviours or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. 14. Adult children of alcoholics often isolate themselves and have few meaningful personal relationships. 15. Adult children of alcoholics often have feelings of powerlessness. 16. Adult children of alcoholics may strongly fear abandonment or criticism, retaining an abnormally strong, essentially unmet, need for approval and affection.
(Compiled from: Woititz 1983; Ackerman 1987; Jorgensen & Jorgensen 1990)
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Appendix 2: Child Abuse healing stages

Below is a summary of the common stages of healing from child sexual abuse summarised from MacDonald et al (1995 p30-43). People tend to cycle through these healing stages, moving from one to another and back again, until they have released the past and can concentrate on their present and future unhindered. 1. Acknowledging that abuse occurred Admitting it - no more denial Acknowledging the impacts on you & your life Dealing with the emotions & memories Accepting yourself & your reactions as normal Learning to trust yourself & your intuition

2. Making the decision to heal Choosing hope over resignation or despair Making an active commitment to change Putting aside other demands and allowing time to experience emotions, to think about the issues, and to get the necessary help & support Allowing the painful emotions to come up and release dealing with the chaotic nature of this on your day to day life Finding support - from yourself & others

3. Talking to others about the abuse Breaking the silence Reducing shame & guilt by acknowledging out loud that you were abused & it wasn't your fault Choosing who to tell, what you want from them & dealing with their reactions

4. Placing responsibility where it belongs Recognising the abuse was the abuser's fault, not yours - you are not to blame at all. You were a child You are not to blame if you went along with it - the abuser had power over you & you didn't have all the information to decide objectively - you were a child In the case of sexual abuse, you are not to blame if your body was aroused - it's a normal bodily response. You're not to blame if you felt positive feelings of intimacy with the abuser - they may have been nice & loving to you when others weren't Any problems that arose within the family as a result of the abuse were not your fault Identify & understand how you were tricked, bribed, threatened or coerced by the abuser - you were used & abused You are strong though - you have survived. You can heal & create the life you want!

5. Dealing with the loss and sadness Feeling grief over - what happened to you, your loss of innocence & childhood, the loss of trust, sadness that the relationships weren't the way you would have liked them to be, sadness over the impact of the abuse on you throughout your life If you get depressed, get help to move through it Feel all these feelings, talk to safe people about them, release the emotion - the intensity will pass

6. Expressing anger Feeling anger over what happened Expressing anger towards the abuser & others involved, rather than at yourself (This is done in safe & constructive ways in private, not necessarily with the actual people involved) Letting go of the need for retaliation Building self-assertion & strength

7. Working through the difficulties caused by the abuse Working through difficult physical, social, emotional & behavioural problems Working through unhelpful beliefs about oneself, about abuse or about life in general

8. Building a future Accepting the abuse happened & it is part of the past Development of self-acceptance & self-respect Acknowledging the wisdom & strengths you've gained from surviving the abuse Overcoming residual feelings of vulnerability & lack of confidence Dealing with fear & planning ways to take care of yourself in different situations Setting goals & taking steps to create the life you want Feeling more in control of your life

Appendix 3: Support for healing

Techniques you can use to support yourself When emotions are overwhelming it is tempting to get busy, to turn to sugar or other addictions to numb out and escape the feelings. This just keeps the emotions buried inside. The only way to truly escape from them is to feel them and release them so that they are no longer inside, surfacing over and over again in an attempt to get you to embrace them. There are many ways to feel and release emotions. Below is a range of techniques that you can use for either no or low-cost. Try each and see what works best for you. If you find that you still cant cope with the intensity of the emotions then reach out for support. A list of free counselling helplines within Australia is included below. If you are not from Australia an internet search or question to your local doctor will hopefully provide you with details of similar services available close to you. Expressing how you are feeling Speak your truth, honour your feelings just do it in a way that is safe. If that means screaming into a cushion or in the car with the windows wound up, do it. If it means crying while curled up on the floor, do it. If it means beating cushions on the lounge while expressing your anger, do it. If it feels safe to do, you may choose to imagine the person who upset you is there with you and tell them the consequences of their actions and its impact on your life. The important part is expressing what you feel. Letting it leave your body rather than locking it up inside you. Writing out how you are feeling a journal or diary can be used to write about how you are feeling and why. This
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honours your emotions and helps you to connect within, to reflect on what you are feeling and the reasons for it. It helps you to gain insight into your experiences and behaviour. It can be very helpful especially if you feel you cant share what you are going through with anyone else. Some people like to express their feelings in poems or songs, they find that very therapeutic. You can also write letters (which you wont actually send) to those that hurt you expressing your emotions, the impact on your life and your needs now. Because you dont actually send the letter you can express the depth of your rage and grief, really letting the person know how you feel. After youve written it rip the letter up and burn it, let it and the emotions go. Drawing how you are feeling art can be a powerful method for releasing emotions as it is more feeling based and less thinking based. Pick up crayons, paint or clay whatever feels right and use it to express what youre feeling. Just scribble or draw, allow what needs to be expressed to come out. You dont need to try and draw something specific, let it evolve out of your emotions. It can be very surprising to see what appears this way. When its done the emotion is out of you and on the paper. You can keep your drawings as a record of your healing journey or rip them up and burn them as a symbolism of release. Moving the energy emotions are energy in motion (emotion). You can shift anger and rage by doing vigorous exercise. Go for a walk, run, swim or whatever form of exercise feels right. Do a gym class, punch a punching bag, whatever works for you. As you exercise you release the pent up energy and therefore the emotions. Embracing the healing power of nature sitting or walking in nature can be a powerful healer. I find that being in a garden or forest helps me to centre and ground, to balance
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back up, to feel stronger, more peaceful and able to cope with whatever Im facing. Standing near or in the ocean, feeling the salt air or the salt water if Im in it helps cleanse me, freshen me, drain away the negative emotions, leaving me feeling lighter, cleaner and stronger. (Having a bath with a handful of rock salt in it does a similar thing). Meditation If you can sit still and meditate then simply observing your emotions and the associated thoughts can allow them to shift and release. They no longer need to fight for your attention so they quieten down as you honour them and accept them as you acknowledge the reason the emotions arose and what information they are giving you about your life and any actions needing to be taken. Just sit and breathe deeply, witness what occurs within your body. Allow emotions, thoughts, images and memories to surface and release. Our breath is very powerful and can shift even the most intense of emotions if you allow the process to occur keep breathing and witnessing and allow the emotions to flow and shift. Trust that they will move and breathe through any resistance. Flower remedies There are a wide range of flower remedies such as Bach Flower Remedies and Australian Bush Flower Essences. These are relatively low-cost and help the body to balance emotions and clear blockages. There are remedies to assist when you have experienced shock or trauma (Rescue Remedy or SOS Remedy). There are also remedies specific for individual emotions and issues such as grief, fear, anger, sadness or for building confidence, selflove and self-esteem. Many health food shops and some chemists stock flower remedies within Australia. They can also be ordered over the internet from wholesale stockists or manufacturers.

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Australian Counselling Helplines Below are the details of some of the free counselling services provided by organisations within Australia. Visit their websites to find out what other services they provide or can refer you to. There are often support groups and sometimes workshops you can attend. There are also some Government funded services to support those suffering from depression and mental health issues. Ask your local doctor about what services are available in your local area. Adults Surviving Child Abuse (ASCA), Phone: 1300-657-380 provides support, information and referrals throughout Australia to survivors of all forms of child abuse and neglect, male and female, family members, supporters as well as health professionals. Operating hours are 95 EDST with answering machine outside these hours and while counsellors are on another call. All calls made after hours will be returned the following day. http://www.asca.org.au/ Kids help line Phone: 1800 55 1800 - Kids Help Line is Australia's only free, confidential and anonymous, 24-hour telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged between five and 18. http://www.kidshelpline.com.au/ Lifeline Phone: 131 114 - A 24-hour telephone counselling service available for anyone, at any time, and from anywhere in Australia for just the cost of a local call. http://www.lifeline.com.au Parent help line Phone: 1300 364 100 - The Parent Helpline is a service of the SA Government Department Children, Youth and Women's Health Service and provides telephone information, counselling and support - 24 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year. It is available to parents of children and young people from birth to twenty five years and to people working with children and young people, including teachers and childcare providers. http://www.parenting.sa.gov.au/helpline/. For details of services provided in other states of Australia see: http://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/resources/counselling.html#nat

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Paying for supportive healing services If you have funds to spend then you can of course choose from a wide range of modalities and services to assist you with your healing journey. If you want to talk about your experiences then Counsellors, Coaches, Psychiatrists and Psychologists may be of assistance. Each has a different approach, cost and use. Ask questions before deciding on a practitioner to see. What is his or her experience with healing from child abuse? Do they regularly prescribe the use of anti-depressants and medication? How long do they normally see clients for? What are their spiritual beliefs? Find someone who you resonate with, who feels safe to be with and who listens to and honours you. Be prepared that you will probably feel worse before you feel better. As you make insights about your life and the reasons for your behaviours you will uncover the pain that led to your conditioning and repetitive patterns. It is painful facing all of this but it has to be done in order to heal and find inner peace. Take your time, rest when you need to and explore yourself and your past at a rate you can handle. Many abuse survivors, like me, push themselves way too hard in an attempt to heal quickly. Be kind to yourself. If you want to use non-talk focussed approaches then a range of methods can be used to support your body to release and heal. Massage is very beneficial; especially for physical and sexual abuse survivors who learn from it that touch can be safe and nurturing. There are many different types of body-work that can be of assistance, including: acupuncture, bowen, myofascial release, reiki and rolfing. Ask friends what they have tried and felt helped. Get referrals to practitioners that people you trust have visited. Do some research on the internet and follow your intuition as to what feels most appropriate for you.

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Try something and if after a few visits it doesnt feel helpful, try something else. When you have found something that works for you, stick with it. Allow it to take you deep within. Often people stay at the surface by chopping and changing the modalities that they are using. They fail to go deep within, feel their pain and release it. Instead they just seek pleasure from these body-work approaches. While this feels good its not achieving the ultimate need releasing the emotions buried within the body. If you are willing to talk a little then there are a range of practices available that are quick and brief therapies rather than involving years and years of talking. Homeopathy can be very beneficial you talk just enough that the practitioner can select the right remedy to support you with the major issues you are currently facing. You use that for four to six weeks then return to repeat the process. Thought Field Therapy, PSYCH-K, and the LifeLine Technique can help you to release buried emotions and/or change self-defeating, subconscious beliefs. You dont have to explain your history or anything about yourself. Just tell the practitioner what the topic is that you want to work on and any beliefs that you want to change. They will then guide you through the process. A different topic is worked on each session.

There are many options and many ways to heal. The above are just a sampling of techniques that Ive experienced as beneficial in my healing journey. See where you feel guided and follow that path. Trust in yourself and the process. Your journey like everyone elses will be unique to suit your unique needs and issues.

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Appendix 4: Art as emotional release

Art is a very powerful healer. It helps us to express buried emotions that we may not even be conscious of. It can help release stress and tension as the energy moves from within us out onto the paper. It is therapeutic with its colours, textures and processes. In this booklet I will share some of my drawings from throughout my healing journey. The medium will mostly be coloured oil crayon drawings and some painted ones. I have also had experience with the use of clay, pastel crayons and other art forms as my mentor/counsellor was an Art Therapist. I loved experiencing and learning about the role of art in healing. I am very grateful to Lynn for all she has shown me and how she has helped me and others to heal. One does not need to have any artistic skill to use art as a healing tool. Indeed I did not think of myself as artistic at all. When I started focussing on my healing journey I was a very head-strong, analytical, rational minded person. When Lynn asked me to draw for the first time I thought she was mad. I almost walked out the door thinking how ridiculous, as if drawing could help! It wasnt long before the floodgates of my subconscious mind opened and drawings were pouring out of me. That is literally how it felt. I wouldnt consciously think about what to draw or how to draw it. Id just feel drawn to pick up a crayon and next thing there was a drawing on the paper. It just flowed out. I was fascinated how at times of strong emotion I would draw and cry or yell at the same time. In these situations the most powerful drawings emerged clearly showing the power of the situations on which I was releasing emotion. I didnt know how to draw what I drew. If I consciously tried to do it again later I wouldnt know how. My mind would get in the way. I love how the colours often represent the chakras and the emotions being felt, the profound
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symbolism that comes through depicting the experiences. Here I have chosen some of my pictures that show the healing of my childhood issues, my relationship with myself and with my parents. I encourage you to embrace art as a tool to assist you in your healing journey. Due to printing costs this book is not printed in colour. The pictures therefore lose a lot of their power and impact. If you wish to view a colour version of these pictures you can do so at www.emergingself.com.au

Figure 1: My birth - I got trapped in the birth canal over night and was eventually pulled out in the morning by forceps. I was covered in bruises and had a pointy head. My Mum left her body and remembers floating on the ceiling watching what was happening below. I refused to breast feed and was shaken by a frustrated Matron.

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Figure 2: My happy home - the farm with Dad and my Grandparents.

Figure 3: Dark side of the farm - manipulated and controlled due to sexual play.

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Figure 4: After the separation - Missing my Dad and the farm.

Figure 5: Running for my life the dangers of an alcoholic abusive home.

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Figure 6: Speaking to Mum after her first suicide attempt.

Figure 7: Summary of how my childhood felt.

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Figure 8: A horror Xmas visit to Mum & Sean in Cairns.

Figure 9: The barriers to love feeling trapped and unable to open up or trust anyone.

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Figure 10: Exploring which parts of me are still upset.

Figure 11: Listening to the dilemma of my teenage self.

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Figure 12: Embracing my teenage self being a loving parent to myself.

Figure 13: Struggling to cope with all that was happening.

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Figure 14: Anger and confusion, caught up in my head thinking about it all.

Figure 15: Determined to heal and break free of the internal voices that continue to abuse me.

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Figure 16: Exhausted and emotional after Egypt trip lots of releasing and healing occurring as I feel what is in my heart.

Figure 17: A peaceful moment in the healing journey.

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Figure 18: Regression to child around Mum too enmeshed with her, too difficult trying to keep her alive and stay safe at the same time.

Figure 19: Considering disowning my Mum a battle within knowing what I need for my health but not wanting to hurt her.

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Figure 20: Deciding if I can live with the consequences of disowning my Mum.

Figure 21: Finding the strength to go through with my decision. There were 2 more pictures in this series that showed how painful the process was for me and how conflicted I was after I had sent the letter. Unfortunately I didnt keep those pictures so I cant show the whole process here.
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Figure 22: Releasing anger and rage. This is a non-dominant hand drawing which can be a very powerful way of expressing what youre unconscious of. You can also ask questions of your sub-personalities, letting them answer through writing with the non-dominant hand.

Figure 23: Not allowing the past to overpower me shining my light.

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Figure 24: Signs of past sexual abuse to be faced dreams forcing me to face what Id buried inside.

Figure 25: Dreams of sexual abuse by my Stepfather.

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Figure 26: The vulnerability and pain of separation from my Dad.

Figure 27: Healing separation from Dad and forming sense of belonging what I wished he would say to me.

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Figure 28: Choosing to let go of needing my Dad to stop being the child who he did connect with and grow into the woman I now am.

Figure 29: Finding peace and love with my Dad at last.

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Appendix 5: The healing journey through dreams

Here is a small selection of dreams showing the process of me healing from my childhood experiences and improving the relationship with my parents. I also had dreams that provided me with guidance to heal other life patterns such as my tendency to over achieve and do work I dont passionately care about; my trying to impress people to get accepted; my experiences of it being pointless trying to have fun as something bad happens to ruin it; and of course my negative patterns in relationships being in relationship with people I dont want to be with, changing myself to please my partners and letting my own needs go unmet. I also had dreams showing the healing of my inner masculine and feminine, which eventually became healthier and joined in marriage. For space reasons Ive chosen to focus on the relationship issues with my parents and the healing of the abuse as the dreams show the process and demonstrate the power of dreams and the messages they reveal. I recommend keeping a dream journal and reviewing the guidance provided through dreams. When I first started to record my dreams I could only remember fragments of them. I had pen and paper next to my bed and would write down all I could remember upon waking. I found that if I did so right away the dream would replay as I wrote and I would remember more details. In time it became easier to remember whole dreams. The dreams presented here are in chronological order showing my healing progress over time.

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Dream: early 1998 (date not recorded) I dreamt that I was in a big room sitting on a lounge. My Dad was next to me. I was crying, really crying. In the dream the real me was floating on the ceiling watching the scene unfold below. I could see it clearly but I could only hear muffled words. I couldnt tell whether I was crying for joy or for pain. My Dad while present with me was clearly a little uncomfortable not knowing what to do. I heard a voice say that I was 27 years old. Analysis: I woke from the dream covered in sweat with my breathing rapid and shallow. It felt like I had been crying my heart out. I felt overwhelmed by it. I sat up in bed and replayed the scene in my mind. I didnt know the room. My Dad and Stepmum lived in a small holiday shack. I wondered whether or not I was crying with joy. I hoped that it was tears of joy that Id finally finished my PhD. I tried to convince myself that it was joyful crying, but it didnt seem like it. I put the dream out of my mind. I was 24 years old at the time. Unfortunately I wasnt keeping a dream journal then so I dont know the exact date of this dream and what was happening at the time. The dream was so powerful Ive always been able to remember it. Interestingly at 27 years of age I hit rock bottom realised how dysfunctional I was and started my healing journey. I moved in to my Dads home and cried and cried. He had moved house while I was living interstate and now had a house with a large lounge room like Id dreamt. It seems the dream was telling me or warning me that this would occur.

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At this early stage of my healing journey I had painful dreams about my Dad being hurt or dying because of something I did. I would make a small mistake and there would be life or death consequences. This is how it felt in real life. I did over react to making minor mistakes. I felt a need to be perfect but couldnt achieve it. I therefore judged myself harshly which is what Dad would also do on the rare occasions when he would finally explode under stress passive aggressive style. He wouldnt mean to say nasty things, but his explosions often left me feeling intimidated and not good enough. They were over as quickly as they started and there was no danger. Just judgement Everyone knows how to.. Dont you know how to.. implying that you are a bloody idiot if you dont know. Once he had vented the built up energy he would be calm and loving again. I suspect prior to my parents separation Dads stress levels were extremely high and his unpredictable and chaotic explosions may have occurred quite regularly. I know I tried to please him to avoid the explosions and to keep the peace. I hoped that if I did everything well enough he wouldnt explode or choose to work away from home, he wouldnt leave me. His leaving me and my not being good enough have been key themes I have had to heal. In the early days of my healing journey I also had several dreams where Dad and I would be out somewhere and he would leave me and take a boy home instead. In real life, my Father has told me several times that when Mum took me he asked several people for advice over what to do. He was considering taking her to court to fight for custody and was seeking advice. Those he asked including his Mother told him that little girls should be with their Mothers. If Id been a boy I probably would have been able to stay with him. Accepting this and my femininity has been another part of my healing journey. Unfortunately I do not have written versions of these early dreams. It was before I was keeping a dream journal.

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Dream: 13/06/2003 I am living back with Mum, my Stepdad Sean and a brother. Sean is away working. Life is going on as it normally would. The dream focussed on my interaction with the brother who was secretly taping our conversations and trying to blackmail me with them. It seemed that I was processing stuff and had admitted the occasional perverse thought where I was tempted to act like Mum and Sean, as that was what seemed normal and accepted in the family. I was afraid of doing so and fought not to. I was able to keep it under control, however my brother was threatening to expose those thoughts / make me look bad even though I hadnt done anything unfair. I was upset and annoyed at him. I ended up wrestling the tape recorder from him and hid the tape. However, he kept finding it and I had to get it and hide it again. This occurred over and over 3 times in the dream, before I finally just stood in front of him and broke the tape. It felt good like I was letting go of these fears about myself. I then walked into the kitchen and Mum told me to cook tea for them all. I refused and told her to start looking after herself and her family. I walked out. Analysis: This dream occurred on my birthday (12th June). I woke to it the next morning. Dreams on your birthday or other special occasions often contain very important messages to pay attention to. The dream starts showing that the way I live my life (my beliefs, attitudes and behaviour) is largely affected by what occurred in the past (Im still living with my Mum and Stepdad). Even though my Stepdad is away Im still being controlled and abused. This is occurring by the brother figure which is representative of the inner masculine part of myself that tells me off the negative thoughts and behaviour patterns I have that I abuse myself with. These tapes (repeating patterns, stories from the past) haunt me and play over and over. Im afraid of becoming like my parents or being judged negatively because of what they do.
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I have tried to just hide the tape (hide from the past) but it doesnt work. I need to face it, break the tapes and heal the past. When I do this in the dream I then go into the kitchen and Mum tells me to cook tea for them all. Symbolically kitchens represent a place of transformation where raw ingredients are transformed into nourishing meals. The dream shows that in separating from my Mother and telling her to look after her own life I gain more freedom and separation from the past.

Dream: 16/10/2003 I dreamt that I was back living with Mum and Sean. I was aged about 8-9 years old. We were living in the Meadows house. It was night and I was in bed. I got up to go the toilet and was attacked by a snake in the dark. I had to fight it off and it took all my strength to hold its head and not let it bite me. It squirmed and struggled free several times. I managed to fight it off and throw it out the door but it came back in and tried to bite me again. I grabbed it and tried to squeeze it, snap it, kill it. Our cat came along and almost got bitten. Eventually the snake died and the cat ate it. I went to a room with a light on and was examining my torso for bites. I had lots of red scratches and marks but I wasnt sure if they were bites or if they were dangerous. I went to show Mum and Sean, they looked and dismissed it. They wouldnt believe me and thought that Id made it up since there was no evidence of the snake. Sean offered for me to sleep in their bed with them, but they were already naked talking to me and they had sex toys out on the bed so I quickly said no thanks. I went back to my bedroom and kept looking at the marks. Within a short time they turned into 3 or 4 welts, small lumps that were oozing a clear liquid. I showed Mum who just said What do you know and then left me basically saying if you need to go to a
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Doctor take yourself. By then one of the lumps on my right breast had grown into a large container in which fish were swimming around. I had to hold it and support it due to the weight of it or it would hang down and hurt. I decided to go the Doctors and was very scared. I got a jacket and off I went in the middle of the night. Along the way I was befriended by a nice man who wanted to help me. He showed me the way to a Doctor and took me back to his place to be looked after. Somehow in the process when he decided to help me I turned back into a baby and he cuddled me affectionately and placed me in a pram with lots of love and tenderness, saying this is what you needed and deserved all along. When we got to his place he put me on the table for a minute or two while he went inside to get something. There were other kids around of different ages who had obviously been neglected in the past too. Some were on the process of recovery, healing. Others were still angry and acting out. I was feeling safe and loved, but then one of the little girls there 4-5 years old became jealous so she nudged me off of the table. By now I was symbolised by a ragged, soft and cuddly teddy bear. Some of the kids were playing roughly with me, throwing me around, teasing me. One of the girls was trying to get them to stop, but to no avail. I felt scared, hurt and with no control again a victim. Then the man came back and was horrified to see what had happened. He came got me and soothed me, apologising for what had happened. He told the other kids off kindly, acknowledging that they too had been hurt in the past, but they should have known better. He was cuddling me when over the horizon another man came walking surrounded by children who were laughing and having fun. It was clear this man was the Director of the place and the first man was very relieved to see him.

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It was clear that this second man could help all the kids and knew how to manage them. The first man gave me to the second man and told him my story. The man cuddled and soothed me. I transformed into an older child, 5-6 years old, and lay curled up sobbing at his feet, relieved to finally be safe. The other kids with him knelt down and patted me all soothing me and supporting me. I knew Id be okay. Thats when I woke up. Analysis: It was lovely to feel the soothing and nurturing in the dream. It felt very healing. That was what I felt upon waking. I knew that I had to feel my emotions, release the pain and I would be okay. The dream is very symbolic. It shows that at the time of the dream my thoughts and behaviour were still being controlled by my past. That is why I was represented as still living with my Mother and Stepfather. Interestingly, the setting is the Meadows house which was where I lived with my Mother and Father before their divorce when I was 7 years old. Sean was never there. Perhaps it is this house to show that the issues described in the dream have been in place a very long time and pre-date the treatment by Sean. Indeed I used to blame him for everything, but as Ive faced the truth of my past I have had to accept that I was a deeply disturbed child from a very young age. Snakes can be symbolic of several things and appear when the conscious mind of a person is deviating from their instinctual base. A new awareness is rising out of the unconscious the snake and it is threatening to bite. There is something that the dreamer is becoming aware of and in this case trying to resist and suppress. I wanted to kill the snake, but it keeps attacking. The snake that attacks and comes back despite being fought off and thrown out the door also shows how the impact of the past cannot be resisted or shut out. It has to be faced and transformed. The cat comes and eats the snake. This shows that it is my feminine side (the cat) that needs to be embraced and integrated back into my life to be more in control. In my real life I disowned being feminine seeing it as weak, vulnerable,
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and dangerous as men abuse women. The dream shows that I will need to embrace my femininity and allow myself to become soft and vulnerable once again represented later in the dream by the transformation to the teddy bear in order to heal fully. I go to the room with the light on, into spirit / into consciousness, to examine my wounds. I was doing this in real life in counselling sessions. In the dream my parents dismiss my concerns and my Mother says What do you know. Showing that this is a journey I need to do on my own, to discover what I do and dont know about myself and my past, to learn, and to heal. My right breast grows into a bottle of fish swimming around symbolising how I have not been nurtured (the breast) by the males in my life in the past (its the right breast). I am full of emotions (the bottle of water) about the past and I have to hold the bottle, feel the emotions, otherwise it hurts and weighs me down. The fish (being an animal that lives under water) suggests that despite going under water into my unconscious and the buried, painful emotions within I will be able to breathe, to survive. In the dream while Im walking to the doctors (on the journey for healing) I am met and befriended by a nice man who nurtures and cuddles me. He represents a supportive inner masculine. He puts me on a table surrounded by children of different ages. This represents how I will need to examine my past and what Ive experienced at all ages as a part of the healing process baby, toddler, child, and teenager. In the dream some of the children are still upset and wounded, acting out, angry, others are more at peace. This is true of my real life and the dysfunctional behaviours that I do. Parts of me are happy, other parts arent. These children show the work that I have to do to heal myself. The transformation to the teddy bear occurs when a child 4-5 years old becomes jealous nudging me off the table. The children start to throw me around and Im left feeling a victim, abused and not in control of my life again. With the counselling all the emotions and
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memories that were surfacing did have me feeling out of control. For the first time ever I was really acknowledging that I was neglected and not only by my Mother and Stepfather. But also by my Father who when I was little had taken a job away from home for weeks at a time so that he did not have to see my Mum. In the dream it is only when the supportive inner masculine helps that I am rescued from this victimisation. I have to transform my attitudes and beliefs about men. I have to heal the pain of my treatment by men in the past. I have to release the patterns of my own inner masculine the way I talk to myself, judge and push myself to achieve which can be very harsh and cruel. Once this occurs a new phase of life starts the director comes over the horizon and is surrounded by happy, playful, nurturing children who all soothe me and I know I will be okay. I am transformed into an older child. A new phase begins when Ive healed sufficiently that I am the Director of my own life, not the past, not the subpersonalities within me, but me as an Aware Ego able to stand in the middle of all that has happened and all that I am.

Dream 22/05/04 I woke up from a dream where I was holding one of my high school type parties with all my friends over. They left at 1am. The next morning I got up and started to clean the house. It was the Bedford Park house and I was living there with Mum, Sean and Buster (our dog). Mum came down from her room and started helping me to clean up. We were cleaning up fish eyes or lobster eyes or something like that. Both Mum and Buster were eating them. Mum started talking to me seriously and said she wanted to start paying for all of my counselling/therapy costs. She said she wanted me to be as healthy as possible and have a good future. I thanked her and said it is health fund claimable.

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I told her that I suspected Sean of sexually abusing me and she said she wouldnt be surprised. She said that the three of us used to sit in bed naked when I was little with him in the middle. I was supposedly reading a book. But Mum said more was going on under the blankets. I said I dont remember. All I remember is him walking around naked trying to kiss me and my friends. During the conversation we heard noises in the corridor and Mum tried to quieten our talking and she got up to see if it was Sean, who was still in bed. It was only Buster. Mum seemed to still be stuck in Seans grip but she wanted me to break free. I woke up feeling numb and a little happy that Mum wanted to help me. Analysis: I woke from this dream concerned that there had been more sexual abuse than I was conscious of. Indeed it seemed that something was close to the surface as Id recently had a strange experience in real life with my partner. He was giving me oral sex and Id felt that it was my Stepfather doing it. It was a very powerful experience. Strangely, as it occurred I noticed that I was really enjoying it and the sensations seemed so much stronger than normal. Afterwards I told my partner what had happened and he was also shocked. The next morning I woke up to find a rash on the middle finger of my left hand that was oozing gold pus. It continued to do so for a few days. I can only assume that as a young girl I had indeed been sexually abused by my Stepfather and that at that time in my life, as my own sexuality was developing, the sensations were stronger, it was new, raw, I embraced it. No doubt over time I repressed the memories and the abuse and my feelings became less intense, shut off, deadened by all the buried emotion and conditioning about sex being abusive. This dream seemed to be further confirmation about the sexual abuse by my Stepfather. The dream is set in the Bedford Park house where we lived when I was about 11-13 years old. It was in this house that the worst of the sexual abuse I do remember watching
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them, hearing them, being exposed to them happened. It was the house where I held my high school parties. All of this was true. In the dream its a new day (1am) and Im now intent on cleaning house (healing the past). Mum is helping me clean up fish eyes or lobster eyes, symbolic of helping me to see clearly and heal as these are the eyes of animals that live in water, in the unconscious. Both Mum and the dog are eating the eyes. At this stage in my life Id separated from my Mum and had no contact with her. This dream like another Id recently had suggested that Mum would help me heal if I let her back into my life. In the dream she even offers to pay. In considering the implications of the dream and how I felt I realised that I was now scared of Mum calling me. I didnt want to let fear rule me so I decided that I would call Mum and reinitiate contact. I would set out some ground rules for our interacting and if she wouldnt agree to them or she broke them then I would shut her out again. I felt strong enough to be able to do this. I called her on the 25th May 2004 and we talked for almost 2 hours. It was very healing and also very painful as we talked about the past, our different versions of the truth and the impact of our behaviour on others. She told me how her parents, my grandparents, had said to her that I didnt like them and that I didnt approve of their lifestyle, which is true. I felt ashamed of how much Id judged the family and hurt them. Yes they were alcoholics and did things I didnt approve of, but they were good hearted people. I knew Id only done it as a way to protect myself and escape, but it still hurt to hear that truth. Mum was willing to be in contact and glad Id called. I believe what the dream was symbolising with Mum offering to pay for my counselling was that in listening to me she would pay the price of facing the past and her actions. She too would have to deal with the emotions that surfaced and heal.

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Dream: 21 June 2006 I woke with a very symbolic dream in the middle of the night. I had released a lot of grief around my Stepdad Sean before going to sleep. I dreamt that Mum, Sean and I were living in the Bedford Park house again. My age fluctuated from 7 to 14 years (which is the real life timeframe in which we were all living together). At one stage it was like we were there from the start, at others like we were moving back and revisiting the house and what occurred there. I walked into my old room and looked out the window. I was surprised to see that there was a beautiful garden outside with a hill sloping upwards. Very natural bush looking. I thought I dont remember it being so beautiful. Youd hardly know a main road and all its traffic is at the top of the mound. Next thing Dad, Mum, Sean and I were in the lounge room sitting down on the lounge to watch a movie on TV. Dad sat in the left hand end of the lounge, I sat next to him, Sean next to me and then Mum on the right hand end. The movie started, as it went on Sean started to move closer to me and I knew he was going to be sexual with me. I went to move away but hesitated torn between the attention, knowing it would feel good, but also knowing that it was wrong and that either Dad or Mum might see and I could get in trouble. Sean started rubbing my genitals on the outside of my clothing. It felt good. He then put his hand inside my clothing and was rubbing my genitals directly. It felt good (The good feelings and the dilemma were all feelings I knew and recognised and know Id felt before in several situations throughout my life). As it was occurring I tried hard to be quiet so I wouldnt give it away. Dad was so focussed on the movie he didnt see a thing. However, Mum did. It seemed like shed been aware from the time I was very young that this was occurring and it was only now that Sean had been away and shed learnt to be
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strong and live without him, that she was now prepared to confront him because she knew she could live without him. She simply looked over at me and him and grabbed his hand. He stopped fondling me and got up and walked out of the room. Mum just said to me Im going to go talk to him, hes a bad man. She didnt seem upset with me and I was relieved. Dad still hadnt noticed anything. I was scared of Mum and Sean fighting and what would happen. After sitting there for what seemed a long time, I got up to go see what was happening. I walked from the lounge room through to the kitchen. My Corella (a type of cockatoo) called E.T. flew through crashing into a wall as usual and landing messily. I was so happy to see E.T. As I walked through the kitchen I could see Mum and Sean in the laundry. As I got closer, they turned, saw me and smiled. They had hammers and tools and paint around them and it turned out they were turning the house into an office for me and other counsellors, healers, that I worked with. Theyd even put a name plaque on the laundry door saying Dr. Jodi Smith. The door leading out of the kitchen had a plaque reading Dr. Vivian Coppinger (who in real life was an accountant who I didnt know at the uni where I worked)1. I was amazed and happy. I walked into the laundry to see it was still a work in progress. The washtub and some plumbing fittings were still in there. Inside the washtub were 4 or 5 beautiful little kittens which I went over and cuddled. Then I hugged Mum and Sean happy that they would do this for me. I then woke up. Analysis: This dream shows my progress in healing - the house (symbolising myself) is being renovated, its more beautiful than it used to be. Both, Mum and Sean are turning the laundry into an office for counsellors they are no longer threatening people, but helpers on the healing journey. The focus is in the laundry and
1

Not her real name

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theres still plumbing fittings (the water symbolising emotions and the need for further cleansing). There are, however, signs of new life and playfulness represented by the kittens. Over all a dream showing positive progress and that I as a child was not to blame for allowing and enjoying my Stepfathers sexual contact.

Dream: 25 Sept 2006 I dreamt I am sitting at the kitchen table with Dad and Gail eating dinner. Our neighbour knocks on the door and wants to speak to Dad. Dad and he talk outside but the neighbour is getting more and more upset. Hes angry about something. Dad is not standing up for himself. I start to worry thinking Dads in danger and I better go rescue him. I put my knife and fork down and stand up to go outside, but then I stop and sit back down. I say to Gail Hes your bloody husband, you rescue him. Im not doing it anymore. I continue to eat my meal and not get caught up in the drama. I woke up. Analysis: I had this dream sleeping on the top of Mt. Sinai in Egypt. I was there on a spiritual gathering with Abdy. The dream is powerful showing Im no longer willing to hide the truth of my childhood from my Dad. I had not exposed him to what had happened to me. I knew that Dad doesnt like conflict or talking about emotions and I feared his reactions. I didnt like him judging Mum either, so I hid it all. I modified who I was around him to try and please him and get his love and acceptance. This dream seemed to be symbolically saying I wouldnt do that anymore. I would focus on nourishing myself instead.

Dream: 9 Nov 2006 I dreamt I was swimming in the ocean with sea lions then a dolphin came and took me under the water. It was pulling me down deeper
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and deeper and I was scared knowing that I couldnt make it all the way to the bottom and back on one breath. The dolphin insisted and I went along. It gave me mouth to mouth to give me more breath. At the bottom of the ocean there was a man who was trapped down there. The dolphins hadnt been able to free him, thats why they took me down. I helped free him then we all swam back to the surface. It then seemed that I awoke in my bed at Aunty Georginas house and one of the dolphins was still with me2. It was chewing gently on my left side just above my hip, like it was sucking something out of me. I had a bruise like a love bite and it hurt. The dolphin was aware of my pain but also knew what it was doing was important for me. I tried to cope with the pain but eventually asked it if it could stop and wed do more later. It agreed and kind of just disappeared. I got up and found that Dad and Gail were moving into the house and changing over the furniture. The old furniture was being given to an old folks home and at one point my cousin, George3, commented that some of it wasnt suitable for the old folks home and that we didnt know what they needed. I was slightly annoyed at his implication of You dont know and I do, but I just said I dont care. I dont want the furniture and if it goes to the home or somewhere else, it doesnt matter. The bruise was sore. I went to show Gail but she was busy with the moving stuff. She had a quick look but then kept moving. I got dressed and went to work at the leadership company which I work for in real life. By this stage a hard lump, rectangular in shape, had formed on my left side where the dolphin had been sucking. It was clearly a cancerous or unhealthy growth that the dolphin had

Not her real name. Not his real name.

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detected deep inside me. It had brought it to the surface and presumably would have removed it if Id let it keep sucking on me. I was amazed and grateful and scared. Part of me wanted to use it to get attention, another part wanted to go to the Doctors and get it checked out, get all scared and worried and caught up in the medical system. Another part of me knew I didnt need to go into the drama and I could simply let the dolphin complete the healing. This is what I decided to do. I asked the dolphin back and it came. The scene sort of flashed forward and I was choosing to move interstate as Id had so much fun when I lived in Sydney before. I wanted to be able to play roller hockey, boogie board and scuba dive again. I envisaged getting a 1 bedroom apartment and setting part of it up as an office for the leadership company so that my boss would pay part of my rent. Id be the Sydney branch and Id market our programs and get us work. He must have agreed because next thing I was in Sydney. Analysis: I woke up and found that my left side was indeed a bit sore and of course that part of my body is linked to my left hip which in real life had been hurting muscle-wise for months. This dream was quite profound. The man trapped under the water was me, my masculine self. He is the part of me that had been pushing myself so hard and was trapped in the pattern of over work and self-sacrifice. It was the only way Id known how to cope. He was buried under the weight of the water, the emotions that I had buried inside. I needed to dive deep down within myself to feel, release the emotions and get healthy. I needed to rescue that part of myself and balance it up with my feminine self who knows how to nurture rest and just BE. The left side of the body represents the feminine side; hence the lump was on the left. It was on my left hip. Hips represent moving forward. I could choose to stay caught up in the drama of the past and use it as a way to get attention (a big life pattern) or I could choose to move on, heal, and connect with the Universe.
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I could allow the story of the past with its home and furniture (my belief that Dad didnt love or want me, and that it wasnt safe to be at home with my family) to be replaced by a more loving home and new furniture with Dad and Gail supporting me. I was no longer alone. I was loved. I could choose to move where I wanted to live and to have fun. I could have a balance between work and play. And I could do work that I enjoy. I could be the leader of my life. It was up to me to choose. I was no longer chained under the water. I was free. Free to move forward on my journey as indicated by my choosing to move to Sydney in the dream.

Dream: 22 Aug 2008 Version 1: I dreamt that Mum and I are at a hotel, in our room. Sean comes in and starts being abusive. He asks/says to me Why dont you come to bed with us and play with my dick?. I say No. Never again you sick bastard. Mum makes some comment as well and Sean reacts angrily. He pushes Mum a little and then storms out the room. Its really tense and I say to Mum we have to leave now. I say to her I know how this works. Hes going to come back drunk and hell get violent with us. We have to leave now. Mum said I was over reacting and hes not that bad. I was desperate trying to get her to leave. I was grabbing stuff and packing a bag as I was explaining to her what would happen. She finally agrees to leave and were about to when Sean comes back yelling. Hed only been gone 5 minutes or so. I try to lock the doors and keep him out but he busts through. I stand frozen in fear hoping Im wrong about him. He walks past giving me a foul look. Hes holding a big stick. Hes waving it around angrily and yelling about how disrespectful we are. Im hoping hell release his anger by beating the bed, not us. He takes a swing at Mum and at me, stopping centimetres from hitting us and just teasing, threatening and showing his power. Im praying hell calm down and
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it will be okay. (Like most victims of domestic violence who blame the alcohol or stress the person is under, rather than them). I make a run for it out of the room while hes facing a different direction. I call out for help but theres no-one around. I knock/bang on some doors as I run down the corridor. I keep running. I get outside and am looking for my car, a Volks Wagon Kombi, to get away. The only thing is I didnt park it, so I didnt know where it was the hotel had a valet service. Im running up the street asking people if theyve seen it. A man says No then Wait, is that it over there?. I turn and say Yes, thank you. I run to my car. Parked behind it are Dad and Gail in the Toyota (A Land-cruiser that Dads had since I was born). Theyre sleeping in the back. I open the back and yell at them to hurry up Lets go. They wake up, see me and ask Whats going on?. I said Ill tell you later, we have to go. They slowly get up and see how scared I am. Theyre just chatting and taking their time. I say Sean is probably on his way looking for me and if he finds me hell probably bash or kill me to keep his abuse a secret. Please hurry. They are still waking up, getting dressed, it was only a few minutes but it still felt like ages. I can see theyre not taking it seriously. They dont believe Im in danger. We got in the Toyota, Dad turns the key, Im seated in the middle. Gail gets in and is about to shut the door, when Sean appears and aims at me with a gun and shoots me in the head. Hes got that angry smiling sneer. He walks off. Im fuming. Im bleeding, dying. Dad and Gail are sitting there in shock, dumbfounded it happened and Im saying over and over If youd listened to me Id be okay, now Im dead. Im dead because you didnt pay enough attention. I woke up and could feel energy leaving out my left leg. I acknowledged the truth of the dream. Me trying to rescue Mum while Mum, Dad and Gail did not take it seriously or see Seans depth of rage.

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Version 2: I went back to sleep and found I was there again in the hotel room. Sean had just left. This time I grab Mum and say Were going now. I dont pack a bag, I dont yell or bang on doors. I get her and start to run. She gets out of breath and stops to rest. I tell her I want to take her to my counsellors place, that shed help us and he wont find us there. I look for a cab. We get in one (not sure if its we or just me). I get to my counsellors. She lets me in. I tell her whats going on and she says Youve done the right thing leaving. She says We should move again. I say He doesnt know this address, but with that I see his head look in a window. He followed me. I wake up. More energy is pouring out of my left leg and my shoulders were aching a bit. I think to myself this version was better than the first, but it was still not brilliant. It really is symbolic of the truth. You cant run away from the pain of your past, it comes with you in your mind.

Dream: 8 Feb 2009 I woke in the middle of the night from a dream about my stepdad Sean. I dont remember much now, but we were high up on top of a building still under construction. We were walking on thin steel beams. He was helping me and I was complimenting him on how talented he is to be able to do a job like that which so few could. Analysis: The dream felt like I was thanking him for how he treated me in my life as without it I would never have focused on healing and learning about awareness and consciousness. The height and act of walking on the thin beams was very dangerous and it felt like I was acknowledging that few souls would have been willing to play such a dangerous role to assist me with my growth. He seemed totally at ease walking the beams and was helping me to relax and be able to do it as well. The healing process I am going through is not yet

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complete, its still under construction, but Ive made significant progress reached new heights. A wonderful dream!

Dream: 8 Feb 2009 Just before I woke I had this dream. Im in a house which is L shaped. It felt like I was visiting and there had been a celebration the night before. I get up and go for a walk. Its a nice country area with lots of trees. I notice this little yellow animal on the ground. I go towards it but then stop. Id thought it was a duckling, but as I got closer it seemed more like a yellow lizard and these were apparently poisonous. So I turned away from it. Earlier on the walk Id come across a kangaroo with a tiny joey, only a few centimetres. I was amazed the joey was so small. My presence startled it and it run off of its mother and she had to go chasing it. I apologised to them and hoped theyd be okay. I walked on. I then came across the yellow lizard. It too was a little startled to see me. It was more like a sloth or blob rather than a lizard. As I tried to walk away from it, it followed me. I walked quickly back to the house. It followed me inside. I shut the hall door to keep it in the back part of the house. I walked through the rest of the house, picking up drinks and bottles and putting them on the sink. I emptied glasses full of coke and maybe alcohol down the sink. I heard movement in another part of the house and went to see who it was. It was Sean up and ready to go to work. His large lunch tin or carry case was messed up with a drink spilt on the clothes. I took it from him and asked him if the yellow lizards were dangerous. I told him there was one in the back room which was like the laundry from the Meadows farm house. He went to deal with the lizard but we couldnt see it when we went into the room. I hoped it had left and it wasnt hiding. But Sean seemed to think it wasnt dangerous. All we did see was a plastic
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rubber ducky harmless. I put his carry case on the laundry bench and started pulling things out to clean it. He thanked me, kissed me on the cheek and left for work. It seemed we had a good relationship. After clearing the carry case, I went and sat on my bed. I was looking out the window in my bedroom. There was also a screen door. On the other wing of the L shaped house there was another bedroom with a screen door. A large dog was playing in the yard and all of a sudden it ran and jumped through the screen door into the other room. I laughed and went to get it out. It was Mums room. When I went in she was awake and holding a small baby, maybe 6 months old. I took the dog outside. Mum came out too and I asked her So, Mum, who is this? She looked at me and smiled, she seemed so peaceful. She said Oh, you know, I never told anyone I was pregnant with you either till I delivered. I figured I couldnt keep it a secret a minute longer. She laughed. I went over and she handed me the baby which had started to cry. The blanket/shawl the baby was wrapped in got caught on the back of Mums bra or shirt. So I had to hold the baby while Mum untangled herself from it. I looked at the smiling baby and thought how much it looked like me at that age. I was amazed to think I have a sister. Mum said the baby came with the plant you need to feed it and all the accessories. It felt like she was giving my happy, loved, nurtured baby-self back to me. I woke up. Analysis: A wonderful dream showing a more loving relationship with Mum and Sean. It shows I am no longer enmeshed or afraid of them and that the past is now harmless it is not a poisonous lizard, just a harmless rubber duckie. The party the night before does not feel like a threat, just a celebration. The house is shaped like a L, perhaps an L for LOVE!

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The dream refers to a really painful event that occurred in real life and shows it as healed. In 1990, when I was 16 years old, I flew to Cairns to visit Mum and Sean for Christmas. I took my then boyfriend. We stayed with them. One night while drinking Sean accidentally spilt a glass of alcohol onto our clothes. He had put his glass down on top of the box which the clothes were stored in and the lid collapsed under the weight. I gave him a filthy look and went to rinse the clothes out. He threw my partner and I out of their unit in rage at my reaction. My partner and I ended up in a hotel for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When we went to collect our belongings he still refused to let us in. Mum begged him to let us in. She was afraid that if he didnt she would never see me again that Id never come back. He still refused. She threatened to leave him and come with us. He didnt want to let her go so he gave in and we stayed with them for the rest of our holiday. It was very tense and unpleasant. In this dream, his carry case is full of clothes that have had a drink spilt on them. I clean it out for him and he thanks me. We have a good relationship. The dream shows I can let go of carrying that case (that memory and its trauma). He tells me the lizard isnt dangerous. I dont have to keep it locked in the back of the house any more. I dont need to stay guarded and protected there is no real threat. When Sean leaves for work I go to my room and notice the dog playing outside when I let go of my preoccupation with the past, with seeing the world as dangerous and abusive, I can be free and play. When I do this I can recover my innocence and joy (the qualities of a newborn baby). I can have a healthier relationship with my inner feminine. I am no longer entangled with Mum the enmeshment is healed. I am in control of myself now and can nurture and nourish myself.

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Dream: 2 July 2009 I woke to my alarm. Id been having a dream in which Mum and Sean were getting married again. It was a cheap wedding done where masses of them occur. They had an allotted time to get married in and then finish before the next wedding started. There was another wedding scheduled close to theirs and myself and some others were concerned the other couple would try and go first, despite the fact that Mum and Seans wedding was scheduled first. The day after the wedding everyone was cleaning up. I was there but not really helping. There was lots of leftover food being put in fridges. I was eating some of it. I hadnt eaten during the reception as I was scared of the fights that would normally happen once everyone was drunk. There were lots of people there from my past including one of my best friends from high school who I was excited to see. She still seemed scared of me. No fights broke out. The next day getting changed I was disappointed Mum had brought clothes for Sean to change into but not me. I as always had to look after myself. Mum was happy and wanted me to be happy for her. I couldnt. Back at the reception place to clean up Mum was smoking inside. I went to jokingly tell her not to as it was against the rules of hiring the place and she said I dont care. Im doing it anyway and turned her back on me. I could feel all wed gained (while Sean wasnt in our lives) slipping away. Sean, who was in a wheelchair, cornered me into a room saying its time he really contributed. I was trying to get away from him. He kept chasing me till I was cornered and started to tell me about when he was overseas in the army and he got blamed for failure of the contract/job/mission. He was beaten up and ended up in the wheelchair. I didnt want to listen. I yelled at him to stay away saying I dont care. Youve done so much damage to me. I still have wounds. He said how his anger was due to what happened overseas and it just made him so angry, couldnt I understand? Didnt I have
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something similar? I said No, I dont take my anger out on others. I said I cant do this and I walked away. I was walking through an archway leaving the grounds of the reception when my alarm went off and I woke up. Analysis: Weddings in dreams symbolise a significant change in the functioning of the dreamer. Some parts of him or her are being integrated, joining in union. Clearly these are parts of myself I have rejected and judged unacceptable since the opening scene of the dream shows the wedding occurring in a cheap and tacky venue. It is not special or loving. The day after the wedding we are cleaning up symbolising the need for cleaning out the old beliefs and programming within me. I have to look after myself as Mum has brought clothes for Sean to change into but not me. Choosing clothes in dreams represents a choice of persona, of the mask we wear, the way we present our self to the world. Sean is changed. He is no longer a significant threat to me. He is now in a wheelchair. He is not as strong and he is no longer angry. He is trying to help me heal, to understand his anger; however, Im still not comfortable with him. Upon waking I felt the huge judgment I had over him and his angry behaviour. In the dream I say that I dont have such anger and I dont take it out on others. I realised on reflection that this was a lie. I did have his rage, his anger. As a child I channelled it into death looks, frustration, hate of him and their drinking. I was full of rage. Thats why when I have energy healing work my jaw often clenches and shakes all that rage that was locked inside because I couldnt safely speak up gets released. Thats why my friends were scared of me in high school. They could see my rage hidden just below the surface and felt wary of me just in case I exploded. The anger and rage was why I was so judgmental and serious all the time. I also applied my anger to the polluters not caring about sustainability. It gave me the energy to do my PhD and is why I was
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so crushed with the delays with the examination process. It felt like theyd won. Thats also why I got so angry when jobs didnt work out the way I wanted. It was because it was triggering the primal rage in me from my childhood when my life was being controlled by other people and I felt helpless to change it. In the dream I spoke my truth and walked away saying I cant do this. I walked away calmly; as if I was saying Im not going to let this take me off centre or disrupt my life again. I choose to be free of this and let go of what you guys do. I leave walking through an archway symbolising a transition point, a gateway or threshold to a different place into a new way of being. While the dream felt confronting and threatening with Sean cornering me, it was actually a really positive dream.

Dream: 12 Sept 2009 A powerful dream set in the present time. Im participating in the Art of hosting and harvesting conversations that matter workshop (which I actually am at). During a break groups of people are sitting outside. Im talking to the main facilitator next to the picnic table and chairs. The facilitator makes eye contact with some of the others and nods. I know hes given an unspoken acknowledgment that its time for something to occur and others start moving in response. They start to form a healing circle and its apparent that they are going to support me to heal. A member of the circle asks If youve experienced the same thing do you have to be of service? I know he is saying hes had the same pain and its hard for him to hold the space in the healing circle with purity of focus and intent. He cant trust himself to stay connected and not go into his own stuff. The facilitator answers Of course, its okay to be excused if you want. Others are continuing to create the circle.

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The members question makes me wonder Where are we going? Why would it be so painful for him? I realise were going to heal my sexual abuse or face it at least. As I acknowledge it I feel the energy of my Adult-self departing into the background and I became the very little Child/toddler me. The facilitator asked me What was there? I said in this young toddler voice and energy, holding my belly, My belly hurts then My Poppy gives me Band-Aids of steel. The Adult me who is observing is shocked as Ive had no prior confirmation of my Pop (Mums Dad) sexually abusing me. It is his energy I feel and I know that it is him who abused me at that age. The facilitator is standing a few metres away from me in front, near the healing circle. I start to walk towards him knowing I have to go into the circle. The scene changes and were all at the ocean. Its where a small stream is entering, going across the sand, to join the ocean behind. I can hear waves crashing. In order to get to the circle I have to cross the stream. I start to walk towards it. (Prior to the scene change we were outside up a mountain at the actual workshop venue). The stream looked shallow but as I walked in it, it was deep. I was overshadowed by the toddler energy and it felt like I was only toddler tall. The water started to rise, I slid under the water and was starting to lie down not by choice but like my feet slipped from under me. I signalled for the facilitator to come help me out. I only had the breath in my mouth and Im under water. He says No. I can hear his muffled voice under the water, hes saying I have to climb out myself, to engage my Adult-self, not let the Child be in control. I know what he means even though I cant really hear it clearly. I start to summon my strength. I see a vision in my third eye of a face from another lifetime/era. Its a warrior with a metal mask on his face, shaped like a sharp edged, diamond shaped butterfly over the eyes. It is intricately shaped metal - strong, fierce but loving and powerful. I see it so clearly. It is the facilitator. He has been with me in other lives. He has been the guardian warrior of my tribe. The
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vision fades and Im back in my body lying under the water. I see the facilitator telepathically sending me energy, willing me to get up. I start to try to move. I sense two more energies people/beings present in spirit, not physical. One is Michael Jackson and he is trying to get in my body, to help me cross over into the light, to die. The other person is behind me and I dont know who it is. I hear the facilitator saying Fight them off. Dont give in. I say strongly, loudly, Michael, NO. I take in my power; reengage my Adult-self to talk my Child-self into standing up and walking out of the water. I get up and start moving. Im not sure I have the breath or strength to make it out. I can feel the circles energy and the intensification of their focus, pulling me energetically towards them. The facilitator is still near me, talking me through it, guiding the process, helping me to make myself step forward. He isnt rescuing just supporting a much more powerful process. I know he is the man in the mask from the previous life. I walk towards the circle. I woke up before I got there, but it felt like I would get there. My heart was pounding and my body had been fearful but was becoming more peaceful, like Id let go and it was regulating back down. Analysis: Prior to going to sleep I was thinking about the image I present. A woman attending the workshop had told me that she thought I had more wisdom than people give me credit for. She was referring to how I dress brightly, am playful and often childlike in manner. She was inferring that people dont take me seriously because of it. I was reflecting on this and deciding that it was time for me to step in to my womanhood and be taken seriously. I had made that intention prior to going to sleep and the dream seems to show this process occurring. I had recently read the book by James Twyman titled Emissary of light. In it he shared his story of discovering a healing circle of Elders who meditated and transmitted energy to assist humanity and the planet. I loved the book and offered myself to God to be of service like that. I do this on a daily basis as a part of a prayer ritual. I
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surrender my will and ask for Gods will to be done in me and through me. (I have done this for many years since reading Wayne Petersons book Extraordinary times, extraordinary beings). The workshop I was at also used the circle as a tool for dialogue. To me it is symbolic of wholeness, oneness, togetherness and pureness. In the dream I knew that once I reached the circle I would join it. I look forward to finding such a circle in real life and working with others who wish to be of service to the world. In the dream it is Michael Jackson who comes to help me cross over to help me escape and to avoid my pain. To me Michael Jackson is an example of someone who was deeply wounded in their childhood and didnt cope with it. He turned to addictions and ended up having a short life. I believe my unconscious used him in the dream to show me my options I, like Michael, could choose to die and escape the pain that way. I could choose to stay a child buried under the weight of the water (the emotions buried inside). Or I could choose to stand up and embrace adulthood taking back my power which thankfully is what I chose.

Dream: 13 Sept 2009 I as me now, I am in a public place and overhear a male adult telling another male adult about a particular playground they can visit to get kids and have sex with them. Little kids 5 to 6 years old. The man talking is saying And you can find Sarah, a blonde haired girl, who we all use. She doesnt struggle or speak out, shes given in and accepted that it happens. Find her. Shes good fun. Im horrified and mad. I follow them and go to the spot at the time they said and Im looking for the little girl, Sarah, but I cant see her. Im worried I may be too late and hes already got her. I go into the toilets and look through. Im horrified to see that there are many men in there with little kids. I start trying to free the kids as
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they are being passed from one person to another. Im silently guiding the kids out the door. A matron/pimp, who coordinates it all, comes and confronts me. I tell her this is wrong and it should stop. She tells me to mind my own business, that this is what occurs here and lots of powerful people want it to continue. They can make my life hell. I stand defiantly so she orders other Adults, strong males, to grab me. Its clear they are going to lock me up, beat me, probably rape me and maybe kill me. I wake up in shock and fear. Analysis: This dream shows the real danger in choosing to do the work of supporting others to heal. It requires facing the darker aspects of society, hearing about peoples experiences and witnessing their pain. I will need to be strong to do so. I will need to nurture myself and maintain balance in my life so that I am not overwhelmed by the heaviness of it.

Dream: 06 Dec 2009 I dreamt last night I had 5 dolphins sleeping on top of me under my quilt. They were lying across my body, all facing the same way, heads off my right side, toward the edge of the bed. I was peaceful, content. Dad came in and asked about the dolphins, where they were. I said they were sleeping under the quilt. He was surprised and nervous. He lifted up the edge of the quilt near my feet and looked at the dolphin there. It opened its eyes to look back at him. He automatically reached and grabbed its bottom jaw, then its top jaw with his other hand, as if he was scared of it biting him. I automatically said Gentle Dad, Gentle knowing the dolphin wouldnt hurt him. The dolphin shrunk from being full size to an infant/smaller dolphin. Dad relaxed and I woke up.

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Analysis: To me dolphins represent joy, laughter, play and freedom. The dolphins are asleep suggesting that I have disowned those parts of myself, but they are now at the surface, ready to be awoken. The masculine has dominated my life over working, mind oriented, and seriousness. It has been in control it was me totally. Now it is separate to me, symbolised by Dad. The masculine is unsure of the dolphins. He doesnt know how to be gentle. He is used to controlling by force which used to make me regress to an earlier state out of fear. Now, however the feminine is in charge and I am encouraging the masculine to be gentle, that it is okay to be that way. The dream can also be seen as a reflection on my relationship with my Dad. In the past I regressed to child around him in an attempt to reconnect with him like we did when I was little. Now Im being my true self, more Adult-like, around him and we are having to learn how to interact together.

Dream: 07 Dec 2009 A long, full on dream. At first it flitted through several scenes where I allowed people to sexually abuse me at family situations with my Uncle then another situation with a family friend. Id be sitting next to them or on their lap and they would start to insert their penis into my vagina. They didnt ask and I didnt want them to but I didnt fight. I just told them not to come inside me as I was not on any contraception. Then there was a scene where I walked into a room that was part of where I lived and there were 4 naked boys, young men there who had all been sexual with males. They were talking about their butts and how its made them looser, one shaking his bottom cheeks to emphasise. It seemed they too hadnt wanted to do the sexual stuff but had given in. As I walked through the room observing them I saw
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that in an adjoining room was a nurse with a young man who was clearly very sick. Hed caught some deadly infection from the sexual abuse and was dying. I saw vats of puss and blood emphasising the infection and that all that were sexually abused were at risk of this. I left and was walking down a street, it was night time and now I was more wary, not wanting to be sexually abused any more or risk getting sick. My Uncle had been sick with a fever and infection when hed abused me earlier in the dream. I hoped I wasnt already sick and dying. I woke up briefly at this point and felt horrible, invaded, shocked. I went back to sleep and somehow it turned into a TV show with a host. The show was a game, a competition to see if people had healed and would protect/stand up for themselves now. The earlier dream had been a pre-test thats why so many incidents happened together. Clearly it was demonstrating a time in my life where I let myself get abused. There were other contestants there just as confused as I was. None of us had signed up for the show. It was testing our healing the completion of a phase in our lives. We werent really told what to do or expect but we all guessed that wed each face challenges that were related to our weaknesses, our past areas where wed not stood up for ourselves and let ourselves be abused. The game began and I was on red alert determined not to be abused again. Various scenes unfolded where there was potential for abuse. I could sense the possibilities in some of them and quickly avoid it leaving a pub scene when a man started talking to me; closing windows at home when I heard movement outside; avoiding family gatherings; saying No! No! No! really strongly when any males did get close and started to initiate anything. It went on and on. Eventually everything around me froze and some lights came on, like Id been on a movie set. The host announced that the game was over
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and Id won. Streamers fell around me, people cheered. I relaxed a little, relieved it was over and surprised to have done the best compared to the other participants. I wondered what happened to them, where they had slipped up and let themselves still get abused, manipulated, what boundaries werent strong enough. I woke up. Analysis: While not a pleasant dream it does show my progress in healing from sexual abuse. I now have boundaries in place and say no to inappropriate contact. The dream seems to be suggesting a completion of this aspect of the healing process. The game is over.

Dream: 13 Dec 2009 I woke from a dream where I was teaching a sustainability psychology program at a school. The Principal had called concerned that a couple of parents had complained / expressed concern about the program and its impact on their children. I had a headset on so I could speak hands-free. It was a full helmet, white and soft. I was calmly and happily responding to the Principal explaining that I wasnt surprised that some people would get upset as the program teaches kids about defense mechanisms, self-esteem, setting boundaries, being assertive, etc. I explained about projection / transference and how some parents would react to their children differently seeing threat, defiance, unruliness seeing things from their past and reacting to them. I explained how all of this links to consumerism and unsustainability and how important it is to help kids have an understanding of it, to have innate self-worth / acceptance, to improve parenting practices, connection, nurturing so that the state of the world improves. The Principal kept going ahem, I see, yes that makes sense, etc. throughout showing that he was listening. At one stage my helmet fell off and I kept talking as I picked it up and put it back on. I was channelling the response effortlessly, a beautiful, convincing, and
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powerful flow of words. I was confident, relaxed, enjoying it. Not threatened or defending myself. I woke up. Analysis: It felt really good to wake from this dream as it feels like it was depicting the type of work I will be doing in the future. Work that I feel it is important for me to do. I also love that it showed me in a state of self-acceptance and self-belief. I was not feeling threatened or being defensive. Id overcome these tendencies and was now connected with spirit guiding me forth.

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Appendix 6: My 10 life principles

These 10 life principles represent my intentions. I am not yet able to live according to them fully all the time, but I continue to work towards it, forgiving myself when I slip and realigning as required. 1. I honour everyone and everything (including myself) I harm nothing

I honour everyone and everything that I encounter in life. Acknowledging that everyone and everything is a part of God and is expressing its self in the most loving way that it knows how at this point in time. I know that a smile given can brighten any dark day and that energy given freely can inspire people to heal the deepest pain. 2. I TRUST I reject nothing

I TRUST the Universe, God / Goddess. I know that everything happens for a reason. Any challenges I face are here to help me learn and grow. I am grateful for all I experience. I know that I may not understand why something is happening now, but I know that in the future the reason will become clear as the connections and unfolding occurs in my life. I know I am safe and guided and that the Universe is a loving place. I surrender and trust. 3. I stay open to see what unfolds I judge nothing

I accept that anything that I judge as good or bad in another is a reflection of that issue inside me. I accept that anyone hurting another is expressing their internal pain and their need for love. I send them love and dont react or take it personally. All who wound are wounded inside. I forgive all who I have reacted to in the past including my family and myself. I take responsibility for healing my
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wounds and not projecting them onto others. When I do unconsciously project, I observe, notice and learn from it, so that I dont do that particular form of projection again. 4. I feel the fear and do it anyway I fear nothing

I know that anything that scares me is showing me an opportunity for growth. I take a deep breath and feel the feelings and hear the thoughts associated with the fear. I do whatever I need to do to calm myself down, heal the associated issues and then face the fear. I release the associated emotions. I know that ultimately nothing can hurt me as I am God expressed, as is everything else surrounding me. We are all one. I am not my body or my mind or my possessions those are just things Ive used to falsely define who I am. 5. I let life unfold, listen, allow I fight nothing

I let life unfold, following my inner guidance and synchronicities rather than trying to control or force things to happen. I trust that if something is difficult to do then Im not meant to walk through that door right now. I trust that whatever flows and occurs easily is right on path and I should walk through those doors with an open heart and mind. I let God lead my life and let go of all desires. When something challenges me I look to the past what event or person is it reminding me of? What is it triggering in me? Why? What do I need to do to heal that? Usually its just acknowledging it, release the associated emotions, let go of that event, defense mechanism, pattern and forgive. Having done that, what does the current situation now mean to me? Usually the challenge is gone and gratitude is there for the healing and learning the current situation has enabled me to do. 6. I play I do not get serious over anything

I take the time to enjoy life and the blessings all around me. I see the beauty in nature and in people. I surround myself with colour and light-filled friends who have the innocence of children and can play
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together in innocent and loving ways. I listen to and honour my inner childs needs. I BE a loving parent to her. I thank her for surviving and enabling me to grow into who I am. She is amazing! If I find myself caught in seriousness, I stop, observe what got me caught, breathe, relax my body, adjust my posture and laugh at the situation. I remind myself that ultimately it doesnt matter. Doing this reduces the likelihood that Ill get caught up by the same event in future as Ill notice when it starts to happen earlier and earlier until it doesnt catch me at all. 7. I share, help, support I dont hide

I have the courage to share my story and experiences to help others heal. I honour them in their journey and provide them with tools to help them understand why they have developed the defense mechanisms and personality that theyve used to survive their life. I provide tools to help them understand and accept themselves and their past to see the purpose of it and get a glimpse at their unique purpose this lifetime. I trust that this will assist them to find greater self-love, which enables them to love others and the environment. This is my purpose this time on Earth to enable people to heal, to love themselves, others and the environment to FEEL, to live from their hearts. It is all connected we need individual sustainability, as well as social and ecological sustainability. I recognise when it is not appropriate to share my story and do not offer assistance unless it is requested. I may send energy and emotional support through empathetic facial expressions and body language, but I will not preach or push no-one needs to be pushed (which is a form of judgment saying you should heal quicker). Most people are already pushing themselves. I acknowledge that my impatience in the past and my desire to push others to heal was just my projection about wanting to be fully healed myself and feeling I needed to prove I was okay by showing I
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could help others change. I now accept that whether people change or do not change does not affect my self-worth. It is their choice and I do not control it. I trust that each persons healing journey is unique and that God controls the timing and unfolding of it. Not me. I trust and let go. 8. I speak my truth I dont lie

I speak my truth in all situations. I trust that speaking my truth with respect and honouring will enable the other person the best opportunity to understand me and respond appropriately. I accept that how the other person reacts is not my responsibility and is not within my control. I accept that even if someone does react with pain that it is a perfect response, for them at this time, and that whatever needs to unfold in the future will do so. I let go of the situation and trust the Universe. Ultimately there is no good or bad. There just is what is. I accept reality. 9. I am grateful I take nothing for granted

I am grateful for all the blessings in my life. I am grateful for my health, my home, my family, my friends, for nature that surrounds me, for the food I eat, for my work, for all that I encounter in this life and that helps me to heal and evolve. I am grateful for that which caused me pain and that which caused me joy. It all has helped me to become me. I am grateful for the future joys that I trust will come a loving husband, children I love and nurture, and work that enables me to be of greatest service to the world. If those things dont come I will do my best to accept it and trust that what does come is what is meant to be. 10. I am humble Ultimately I know nothing

I accept that what I think I know is only a fraction of what there really is to know about how the Universe works and that what I think I know may not be correct. It is only my interpretation of things, my truth. Others will have their own truth. I accept that my mind is
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actually one of my biggest gifts and challenges I love to learn which is great but I have used study as a way to hide from being myself and feeling my feelings. I have used qualifications and work as a way to try and prove to myself and others that I am okay. I know now that I dont need to do that. I know now that I am okay without all those mind-related things. I am a unique expression of the I AM and I am perfect exactly as I am. I do not need to learn, change, heal or do anything else to be okay. I am okay. We are all okay. We are all perfect just the way we are. I honour the I AM-ness in all of us. At the same time I dont discredit the knowledge and skills Ive developed throughout my life and my work career. I just hold them in perspective, knowing that they are not as important as my inner wisdom and knowing. I accept that my purpose may involve using the knowledge and skills that Ive developed, which is ultimately the deep reason why I developed them in the first place. I dont hide and stay small using humility as a way of avoiding taking the risk of shining my light. I know I am here to be of great service. I trust that process unfolds as it is meant to. I have the courage to do what needs to be done. I trust that my pure desire to be of selfless service will show through. I let go of expecting abuse when I stand up I know this is residue from my past and it will only clear by my continuing to stand up and finding that Im okay, that no-one knocks me down, and that even if they try, I survive and I am okay. I am an Adult now. I accept and honour that. I also trust that if I am to die today or tomorrow that is okay, that I will have done whatever I needed to do this lifetime and that whoever assists me to die is not harming me but reuniting me with the divine and that is a gift whenever and however it occurs.

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About the author

My parents provided me with the perfect conditioning and experiences to become who I am. I learnt from them about the pain of loss, abandonment and abuse. I also learnt a love for nature and respect for the Earth. My mission this lifetime is to see the interconnection between peoples pain and how this leads to erosion of Mother Earths health, as we exploit her and cause her pain she mirrors our feelings inside. Until humans are healed and happy we will continue to pollute and use the Earths resourcesour focus on survival for ourselves and our loved ones. This perpetuates consumerism, individualism and exploitation. It is only a healed person who can love whollythemselves, others and the environment. They can feel oneness, a love for all beings. They are satisfied with simple things. When their needs are met they dont crave for more. They are content to enjoy their life and fulfil their life mission / purpose, being of service to the world. My life started harshly so I could experience this process, heal and show others how it can be done. That is why I am here.

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Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith is a Healing Facilitator who lives in Adelaide, South Australia. She has survived an abusive childhood full of neglect, alcoholism, emotional and sexual abuse. She has worked as an Environmental Educator, Corporate and Strategic Planner, Change Management Consultant, University Researcher and Lecturer, Leadership Development and Personal Development Workshop Facilitator and as a Counsellor / Healing Facilitator. Her qualifications include a Bachelor of Applied Science (Environmental Health), a Post Graduate Diploma in Natural Resource Management, a PhD on obtaining behaviour change for sustainability through education and a Diploma in Professional Counselling (Abuse). She is trained in several healing modalities including: Psych-K, Thought Field Therapy and Reiki. She loves to travel and has visited the U.S.A, Canada, Alaska, Norway, U.K., Thailand, Indonesia, Singapore, Egypt, Peru, Colombia, Chile and Vietnam. She enjoys BE-ing in nature, camping, bushwalking, gardening, scuba diving, dancing, and spending time with her family, friends and cat Bu. For more information visit her website www.emergingself.com.au.

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