Information from

FAMILY RELATIONS
Human
Environmental Helping Children
Sciences
Extension Ä
Understand
Ä Divorce

ur ee
du
Ä Kim Leon, State Specialist, Human Development and Family Studies
Kelly Cole, Extension Associate

so - S
i.e
hen parents decide to parents to think carefully about how basic needs will be met, that someone

W divorce, they typically have they will tell their children and what will still fix breakfast in the morning,

is -
been through a series of they will tell them. When possible, the help them with their homework, and
events that have led them to this deci- entire family should meet together so tuck them into bed at night. Children
m on
sion. Whether or not children are aware that both parents can answer children’s also need to know that their relation-
of parents’ decisions depends on many questions. This strategy may also help ship with BOTH parents will continue,
things, including parents’ behaviors and parents to avoid blaming each other for if possible. In the face of so many
children’s experiences. In some fami- the divorce. The following tips might changes, children also need to hear
n. si
lies, husbands and wives may argue make this a smoother process: what will remain the same. Parents can
frequently in front of the children, leav- ✔ Set aside time to meet as a family reassure their children through words
io er

ing children to suspect that something ✔ Plan ahead of time what to tell and actions that their love will continue
is going on. In other families, parents children despite the changes in routine family
may talk quietly about their differences ✔ Stay calm life.
ns v

without the children ever knowing. And ✔ Plan to meet again During these family discussions, it is
in other families, parents may argue important for parents to tell children
What to tell children
te ive

sometimes and quietly handle their that the divorce is final and avoid giving
differences at other times. Regardless Remember that divorce is confusing children false hopes that the parents
of the type of adult arguments and for children. When you first talk with will reunite. Parents can also use this
interactions that children experience, children, limit your discussion to the time to tell children that the divorce is
ex ch

when parents decide to divorce, most important and most immediate not their fault. Many children believe
children need to know. issues; children can become confused that the divorce is a result of something
The purpose of this guide is to help if they are given too much information that they did. Even younger children
you understand the thoughts and feel- at once. Children who seem to have no understanding of
Ar

ings that children may have when their need to hear what is going on may need extra reas-
parents decide to divorce and to pro- that their surance during this time. For instance,
vide some tips for talking with chil- when asked
dren about divorce. why parents
divorce, some
Talking with children children may
about divorce explain that parents
Children’s reactions to parental are divorcing
divorce are related to how parents (see page 4)
inform them of their decision.
Because of this, it is important for

Published by MU Extension, University of Missouri-Columbia GH 6600 ©

 Children’s understanding of divorce by age group
Children’s understanding of parental divorce depends on their developmental stage. It is important for parents to know
what thoughts and feelings children of different ages may be having so that they can modify their own behaviors to help
children adjust to the divorce.

What children Children’s thoughts What parents can do

Child age understand and feelings for children
Infants • Infants notice changes in • More irritability, such as crying • Keep normal schedules and
parents’ energy level and and fussing. routines.
emotional state.
• Changes in sleeping, napping • Reassure infants of your contin-
• Older infants notice when one and other daily routines. ued presence with physical
parent is no longer living in the affection and loving words.
home.
• Keep children’s favorite toys,
blankets or stuffed animals
close at hand.

Toddlers • Recognize that one parent no • May have difficulty separating • Spend more time with children
longer lives at home. from parents. when preparing to separate
(e.g., arrive 10 to 15 minutes
• May express empathy toward • May express anger toward earlier than usual when you take
others, such as a parent who is parent. your child to child care).
feeling sad.
• May lose some of the skills • Provide physical and verbal
they have developed, like toilet reassurance of your love.
training.
• Show understanding of child’s
• Toddlers may show some of the distress; recognize that, given
behaviors that they outgrew, time and support, old behaviors
such as thumbsucking. (thumbsucking) will disappear
and newly developed skills
• Sleeping and naptime routines (toilet training) will reappear.
may change.
• Talk with other important adults
• Older toddlers may have night- and caregivers about how to
mares. support your child during this
transition time.

2 Human Environmental Sciences Extension

 Children’s understanding of divorce by age group (continued)

What children Children’s thoughts What parents can do for

Child age understand and feelings children
Preschool and • Preschoolers recognize • Will likely blame themselves for • Repeatedly tell children that they are
early elementary that one parent no longer the divorce. not responsible for the divorce.
lives at home.
• May worry about the changes in • Reassure children of how their needs
• Elementary school chil- their daily lives. will be met and of who will take care of
dren begin to understand them.
that divorce means their • Have more nightmares.
parents will no longer be • Talk with children about their thoughts
• May exhibit signs of sadness and and feelings; be sensitive to children’s
married and live together,
grieving because of the absence of fears.
and that their parents no
one parent.
longer love each other.
• Plan a schedule of time for children to
• Preschoolers may be aggressive spend with their other parent. Be sup-
and angry toward the parent they portive of children’s ongoing relation-
blame. ship with the other parent.
• Because preschoolers struggle • Read books together about children and
with the difference between divorce (see list at end of guide).
fantasy and reality, children may
have rich fantasies about parents • Gently, and matter-of-factly, remind
getting back together. children that the divorce is final and
that parents will not get back together
again.

Preteens and • Understand what divorce • May feel abandoned by the parent • Maintain open lines of communication
adolescents means but may have diffi- who moves out of the house. with children; reassure children of your
culty accepting the reality love and continued involvement in their
of the changes it brings • May withdraw from long-time lives.
to their family. friends and favorite activities.
• Whenever possible, both parents need
• Although thinking at a • May act out in uncharacteristic to stay involved in children’s lives,
more complex level, still ways (start using bad language, know children’s friends, what they do
may blame themselves become aggressive or rebellious). together, and keep up with children’s
for the divorce. progress at school and in other activi-
• May feel angry and unsure about
ties.
their own beliefs concerning love,
marriage, and family. • Honor family rituals and routines (Sun-
day dinner, weeknight homework time,
• May experience a sense of grow-
grocery shopping together, watching
ing up too soon.
favorite television shows or movies as a
• May start to worry about adult family).
matters, such as the family’s
• If you need to increase children’s
financial security.
household responsibilities, assign
• May feel obligated to take on more chores and tasks that are age-appropri-
adult responsibilities in the family. ate (help with laundry, housecleaning,
yardwork, meal preparations); show
appreciation for children’s contribu-
tions.

• Avoid using teenagers as confidants;

plan special time for yourself with adult
friends and family members.

• Tell children who will be attending

special occasions such as sporting
events and graduation ceremonies,
especially if you plan to take a new
romantic partner.

3
 (continued from page 1) child’s feelings, but it is important to let families. KoKo Bear faces situations
because the children misbehaved or your child know you understand them. that help him learn what divorce
received bad grades in school. Children For example, “I know you must be really means, and that he is not to blame for
need repeated reassurance from par- sad that you can’t see your dad today.” the divorce. He is helped to talk about
ents that they are not responsible for his feelings, and is told that he is still
the divorce. Using books to talk loved by both parents.
Remember to ask children about with children about
their fears and concerns. Give children divorce Dinosaurs Divorce: A guide for
time to think about the divorce and the Children’s books about divorce can changing families. Laurene Krasney
changes ahead. Meet again as a family help them work through the issues they Brown and Marc Brown (1986). Little
to talk about new questions and to face. Reading books can give children Brown and Company. This award-win-
reassure children of your ongoing a way to express their emotions and ning book is designed for parents and
involvement in their lives. discuss issues that they may not other- young school-aged children to read
Take your children’s questions and wise be comfortable talking about. together. Stories are presented in a
concerns seriously and LISTEN to what These books may also help parents cartoon strip pattern and organized
they say. As stated by one child, “this is understand children’s experiences of around topics that are important for
gonna affect the rest of my life and I divorce. children experiencing the divorce of
don’t know if they just don’t realize that, their parents. Issues such as why
or don’t care, or what, but I don’t feel It’s not your fault, KoKo Bear. parents divorce, living with one parent,
like I’m being heard.” Vicky Lansky (1998). Book Peddlers. having two homes, telling friends,
Children need to know that parents This book is designed for parents and parents’ new partners, and celebrating
recognize the impact of divorce on chil- children ages 3 to 5 years to read special occasions are discussed. Solu-
dren’s lives. By listening to children’s together. Each page provides a large tions to problems that may come up are
thoughts and feelings about the picture to show what is happening in illustrated by the actions of the
divorce, parents demonstrate their the story and includes messages for dinosaur children and their parents.
ongoing care and concern. parents. The messages for parents help
Realize that feelings of loss and make a connection between the story How do I feel about: My parents’
anger are typical. You can’t change your and what happens to children in real Divorce. Julia Cole (1997). Copper

What I need from my mom and dad

✔ I need both of you to stay involved in my life. and love one parent more than the other.
Even if you don’t live close by, please write letters,
✔ Please communicate directly with my other parent
make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions
so that I don’t have to send messages back and
about who I spend time with and what I like and don’t
forth. I want you to talk with each other so that the
like to do. When you don’t stay involved in my life,
messages are communicated the right way and so
I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t
that I don’t feel like I am going to mess up.
really love me.
✔ When talking about my other parent, please
✔ Please stop fighting and work hard to get
say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all.
along with each other. Try to agree on mat-
When you say mean, unkind things about my
ters related to me and my needs. When you
other parent, I feel like you are putting me down
fight about me, I think that I did something
and expecting me to take your side.
wrong and I feel guilty.
✔ Please remember that I want both of you
✔ I want to love you both and enjoy the time that
to be a part of my life. I count on my mom
I spend with each of you. Please support me and
and dad to raise me, to teach me what is
the time that I spend with each of you. If you act
important, and to help me when I have prob-
jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides
lems.

University of Missouri-Columbia 4
Beach Books. This book is
written for older school-aged
children with some reading
skills, but should be read at
least the first time with a /hesguide/humanrel/gh6602.htm
parent so that the child to new rela-
may ask questions. Topics tionships at different speeds. For information on helping infants
covered in the book The children’s roles in their own adjust- and toddlers adjust to divorce, see
include: why divorce happens, difficult ment to divorce are emphasized. MU Extension guide GH 6607, Helping
feelings, and feeling okay. Photographs (We extend our thanks to Joan Turner, Brett Infants and Toddlers Adjust to Divorce.
Dayton, and Maridith Jackson for their careful
and cartoon illustrations show that http://muextension.missouri.edu/explore
review of the children’s books.)
everyone lives in a unique situation. /hesguide/humanrel/gh6607.htm
The book reassures children that they FOR PARENTS

are not alone in having their parents Making Divorce Easier on Your For more help…
divorce and that there is more than one Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help GENERAL PARENTING INFORMATION
way that problems may be solved. Children Adjust. Nicholas Long and ParentLink, 1-800-552-8522
Rex Forehand (2002). Contemporary Provides research-based information to
Pre-Teen Pressures: Divorce. Books. This book provides practical, assist parents.
Debra Goldentyer (1998). Steck- effective advice for parents on dealing
Vaughn Company. This book, written for with issues including talking to children MissouriFamilies.org
pre-teen readers, covers a wide range about divorce, managing stress, com- Provides brief articles and answers to
of issues. It is recommended that par- municating with the child’s other parent, frequently asked questions on a variety
ents read it before reading it with their single parenting, and building a suport of parenting and family-related topics,
children. This book discusses common network. It is clearly written and organ- including divorce. The Web site also
changes that take place for divorcing ized so that parents can quickly find includes links to parenting workshops
families. A variety of families are information about specific issues. and other community resources.
presented to show that there are many http://www. missourifamilies.org
reasons why marriages end (affairs, For more ideas on talking with
violence/abuse and alcoholism). A children about divorce, see MU SINGLE PARENTS
variety of family stories are used to Extension guide GH 6602, Activities for Parents Without Partners (PWP
show that individuals adjust differently, Helping Children Deal with Divorce. international headquarters), 1650 S.
make different decisions and move on http://muextension.missouri.edu/explore Dixie Highway, Suite 510, Boca

Sibling relationships in divorced families

When parents divorce, brothers and sisters may begin occurring in their family and they take these negative
to interact differently. While some siblings become closer feelings out on their siblings. Some siblings also engage
at this time, others may argue more and become emotion- in more conflict because they are competing for their
ally distant. It is difficult to predict how children will parents’ attention.
respond in any particular family. Parents may be able to reduce their children’s rivalry
The emotional stress that parents feel following divorce by talking with them, listening to them, and spending
may temporarily reduce the amount of attention they are some time alone with each child. Parents also need to
able to give their children. As a result, some children turn realize that younger siblings may have an easier time
to one another for nurturance and support. Because expressing their confusion than their older siblings.
siblings experience many of the same emotions, they are Therefore, parents should be sure to talk to the older
able to understand each other’s feelings and concerns siblings even if they do not seem upset. It is also impor-
and to reassure each other. Other children, however, may tant for parents to encourage children to continue rituals
engage in more conflict with their siblings. These children that were established before the divorce so they will have
may feel confused and angry about the changes that are some feelings of continuity and stability.

We extend our appreciation to Amanda Kowal, assistant professor of human development and family studies,
for her insights on sibling relationships in divorced families.

University of Missouri-Columbia 5
Raton, FL 53432 (561-391-8833). National Fatherhood Initiative, shops on stepfamily dynamics, holds
Provides free referrals to local PWP One Bank Street, Suite 160, individual and family counseling ses-
chapters, which offer social and educa- Gaithersburg, MD 20878 (1-800-790- sions over the telephone and in person,
tional opportunities for single parents. 3237). Offers a quarterly newsletter and publishes lists of books, audio-
http://parentswithoutpartners.org and a catalog of books and videos tapes and videotapes for stepfamilies.
focusing on fatherhood issues. http://www.stepfamily.org
Single Parent Resource Center, 31 http://www.fatherhood.org
E. 28th Street, Suite 200, New York, References
NY 10016-9998 (212-951-7030). Offers STEPPARENTS Amato, P. 1994. Life-span adjust-
free referrals for childcare and legal ser- The Stepfamily Association of ment of children to their parents’
vices, as well as information about how America, Inc., 650 J Street, Suite 205, divorce. In Children and Divorce, 4 (1).
to start a single-parent support group. Lincoln, NE 68508 (1-800-735-0329). Packard Foundation.
http://singleparentusa.com Publishes a bimonthly magazine, Your Behrman, R.E. and L. Quinn. 1994.
Stepfamily, and a handbook: Stepfami- Children and Divorce: Overview and
National Organization of Single lies: Making It Great. Provides referrals Analysis. In Children and Divorce,
Mothers, Inc., P.O. Box 68, Midland, to more than 60 local chapters nation- 4 (1). Packard Foundation.
NC 28107 (704-888-5437). Provides wide. Offers a variety of hard-to-find Blakeslee, Ives, S. D. Fassler and M.
free advice on how to start support books, tapes, manuals and other mate- Lash. 1994. The Divorce Workbook.
groups and offers referrals to other sin- rials about stepfamilies. Burlington, VT: Waterfront Books.
gle parents nationwide. Publishes Single http://www.saafamilies.org Cummings, E.M. and P. Davis. 1994.
Mother magazine (bi-monthly). Children and Marital Conflict. N.Y.: Guil-
http://www.singlemothers.org The Stepfamily Network, Inc., 555 ford Press.
Bryant Street #361, Palo Alto, CA Iowa State University Extension.
National Congress for Fathers 94301 (1-800-487-1073). Provides Divorce Matters.
and Children (NCFC), P.O. Box information on stepfamily resources Mulroy, M., C.Z. Malley, R.M.
171675, Kansas City, MO 66117 and support groups. It is a non-profit Sabatelli and R. Waldron. 1995. Parent-
(1-800-733-3237). Instructs single organization dedicated to helping step- ing Apart: Strategies for effective co-
fathers on custody, child-support and family members achieve harmony and parenting. Storrs, CT: University of
paternity issues. Publishes a 132-page mutual respect. Connecticut Cooperative Extension
manual and a quarterly newsletter http://stepfamily.net System.
called Network. Also has a list of Stevenson, M.R., and K.N. Black.
NCMC advisers nationwide. The Stepfamily Foundation, 333 1996. How Divorce Affects Offspring: A
http://ncfc.net/ncfc West End Avenue, New York, NY research approach. Boulder, CO: West-
10023 (212-877-3244). Offers work- view Press.

This guide is a revision and update of two previous guides: Helping Children Understand Divorce, originally written by
Sara Gable, state specialist in human development and family studies at the University of Missouri-Columbia, and Kelly Cole,
former extension associate at the University of Missouri-Columbia, and The Effects of Divorce on Children, originally written
by Karen DeBord, former state specialist in human development and family studies at the University of Missouri-Columbia.

For more information visit our Web site at:

http://muextension.missouri.edu/explore/

■ Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension Work Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the United States Department
of Agriculture. Thomas A. Henderson, Interim Director, Cooperative Extension, University of Missouri, Columbia, MO 65211.
■ University of Missouri Extension does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, sexual orientation, religion, age, dis-
ability or status as a Vietnam-era veteran in employment or programs. ■ If you have special needs as addressed by the Americans with Dis-
abilities Act and need this publication in an alternative format, write: ADA Officer, Extension and Agricultural Information, 1-98 Agriculture
Building, Columbia, MO 65211, or call (573) 882-7216. Reasonable efforts will be made to accommodate your special needs.

$.75 GH 6600 Revised 3/04/10M