2023-04 - Invest in Your Relationship-The Emotional Bank Account - v1 PDF

Invest in Your Relationship:
THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT
According to Dr. John Gottman, there’s another bank account that many people may not
even be aware of and, hence, not managing correctly. This is the Emotional Bank Account.
An Emotional Bank Account works essentially the same as a financial bank account. When
you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your
Emotional Bank Account. When you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal.
Just like a real bank account, a zero balance is trouble, and a negative balance is the real
danger zone. An Emotional Bank Account grows when partners make more deposits than
withdrawals.
DEPOSITS WITHDRAWLS
When you build up enough positive When you start to get too low on positive
interactions with your partner, your interactions, some anxiety in the
emotional bank account is flourishing. relationship may set in.
You feel relaxed and safe in the You begin to feel that your relationship
relationship. is in trouble.
If you have to withdraw (i.e. you have a You might start to question each
fight or a bid fails), it doesn’t feel too other’s intentions and feel
bad and you recover easily. disconnected or even lonely.
You give each other the benefit of the You become extremely concerned and
doubt during conflict. perhaps even frantic as to how you will
build the relationship back up—just as
You know you have enough positive
we would feel frantic if our financial
interactions saved up that you won’t
bank account dipped below $0.
end up in the red.
The Emotional Bank Account can be managed with the 5:1 ratio. This is a very specific ratio
that makes love last. It means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable
and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions. Having a ratio below 5:1 within
conflict is one potential divorce indicator.
To keep your Emotional Bank Account flourishing, you need to make many more deposits
than you do withdrawals. Couples should save up 20 positive interactions to every 1 negative
to build their Emotional Bank Account.
Deposits can be big or small.
Here are everyday ways to make deposits into your emotional bank account:
Ways to Make Deposits into

Your Emotional Bank Account
Turn towards your partner’s bids for connection
Bids for connection are verbal or non-verbal attempts a person makes
to connect with their partner. They can be small or big, spoken or
unspoken. Healthy couples constantly make and accept (turn towards)
bids to connect.
BANK OF BIDS Catch your partner doing something good

Notice what your partner does that you appreciate, even if it is
Verbal: something they do every day, and say thank you.
questions, statements, or
stories Give your partner a compliment
The most impactful compliments are ones about who your partner is
Affectionate touching: as a person. For example, “I really love and appreciate how thoughtful
back-slaps, handshakes, you are of others.” Follow your compliment with a specific example of
a pat, a squeeze, a kiss, a a time your partner demonstrated that trait.
hug, or a back or
shoulder rub Do something nice for them
We all have opportunities throughout our day to do something kind
Facial expressions: for our partner. Make them coffee in the morning, empty the
a smile, blowing a kiss, dishwasher even though it isn’t your turn, or offer to cook dinner when
rolling your eyes, or you know they’ve had a hard day.
sticking out your tongue
Show genuine interest in your partner and their world
Playful touching: Maintain curiosity about your partner and how their world may have
tickling, bopping, changed recently. Engage and ask them questions about their day or
wrestling, dancing, or a their dreams. Showing interest sends the message that you care about
gentle bump or shove your partner and their world is important to you.
Affiliating gestures: Show your partner physical affection

opening a door, offering This could include a six-second kiss before you walk out the door, a
a place to sit, handing hug after returning home, holding their hand while watching TV, or
over a utensil, or pointing snuggling up next to them in bed.
to a shared activity or
interest Give them a gift
Let your partner know that you are thinking of them in a tangible way.
Vocalizing: This can be large or small—it doesn’t matter the cost. Giving gifts is
laughing, chuckling, just one way to let your partner know you care about them.
grunting, sighing, or
groaning in a way that Spend quality time with them
invites interaction or Plan a date night, a vacation, a cozy night in, or just a few minutes
interest during the day to focus on each other without distractions. Spending
quality time with your partner sends the message that they are
important.
Support them emotionally

When your partner reaches toward you to express difficult emotions,
listen to them and provide empathy and support. And when it comes
to your partner’s goals and dreams, be sure to be their #1 fan.

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Invest in Your Relationship:

THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT

Ways to Make Deposits into

BANK OF BIDS Catch your partner doing something good

Affiliating gestures: Show your partner physical affection

Support them emotionally

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