Purg 090309
Purg 090309
Purg 090309
By Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
All Rights Reserved
Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
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The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
THE PURG
By Stephen Brown
SYNOPSIS: Jeff Johnson is trying to get through his first day of work when
he meets Henry, a very blunt and apathetic employee. After a series of
confusing questions, Henry reveals that their office is actually in Purgatory.
Baffled, scared, and somewhat skeptical, at the end of the day, Jeff Johnson
has to decide if he’s the subject of an office prank or if he’s actually dead.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(3 MEN)
SETTING
There is a small table center stage with a stack of Styrofoam cups on it.
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The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
AT RISE:
At center stage: a table with a stack of Styrofoam cups.
HENRY, dressed in a business suit, enters from stage left and walks
to the table.
JEFF, also dressed in a business suit, walks to the table from stage
left, takes a cup and looks around for a place to fill his cup, but can’t
find anything so he stands there looking confused.
JEFF holds out his hand to shake, but HENRY doesn’t take it.
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The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
4
THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING.
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The Purg by Stephen Brown
Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
HENRY: No, see, a new guy prank would be introducing myself and
then out of nowhere slapping the cup out of your hand.
JEFF: What?
HENRY: This is real: you’re dead. Yes, it’s bad, but worse things
could happen.
JEFF: What do you mean worse things could happen? Death is the
worst thing that can happen.
HENRY: Not necessarily. Have you ever had a pigeon fly into your
head?
JEFF: No.
HENRY: It’s embarrassing.
JEFF: No, no, no. How can this be real? I don’t feel dead. I don’t look
dead. I’m standing here breathing. Yeah, yeah, I feel good, and
well, and very much alive. How do you explain that, then?
HENRY: Well, you see, death is a lot like life after college. The
party’s over, it came a lot faster than you thought, and now you’re
going to be unhappy for a really, really long time. You ever see
Beetlejuice?
JEFF: Is death kind of like the movie Beetlejuice?
HENRY: Heck no, Beetlejuice rocked. Death just stinks.
JEFF: Wha . . . I . . . I don’t . . . how did I? No, no, I . . . how did I
die?
HENRY: Well, remember when you were walking into the building
today from your car, and as you crossed the street, you
sidestepped that bus that almost hit you?
JEFF: Of course I remember that! I did this amazing Tiki Barber spin-
and-win move, it was awesome! You really should have seen it. To
be honest, I didn’t know I had it in me.
HENRY: Yeah, you didn’t.
JEFF: What?
HENRY: You were crushed, flattened. That little dodge move you did
never happened.
JEFF: No.
HENRY: Oh yeah. It’s actually a good thing you died though,
because if you had survived you would be in so much pain right
now. I mean, wow. That bus really hit you. I think I remember the
whole list. Let’s see, all four of your limbs were broken . . .
JEFF: All four of my limbs were broken?!
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HENRY: - - off. Also, your pelvis was shattered, along with your
collar bone, your neck, and you punctured a lung. No, wait, both
lungs.
JEFF: So is that what killed me? A broken neck?
HENRY: Oh no, your head popped off and rolled down the street.
JEFF: What? My head popped off and rolled down the street?
HENRY: Like a bowling ball . . . or rather a wheel of cheese or the
wheel of fortune! Boy, that was a good show!
JEFF: No, no. How can this be happening to me? This can’t be
happening. This isn’t happening. You’re just a . . . a figment of my
imagination; a dream person. This is all just a dream!
HENRY: Unfortunately, it is happening. But don’t worry about it,
plenty of people deny that they’re dead the first day. Except for the
people on death row. I mean, they really see it coming. Well, they
don’t exactly see it coming, but you get the idea.
JEFF: Aha! Exactly what a dream person would say! You’re not real,
and I’m not dead, and tomorrow I’m going to start my first day of
work, and this is all a dream. Quick, pinch me!
JEFF: Ow! That hurt. That really hurt. Oh my God, this is real! All of
this is real. I’m dead! Wait a second, isn’t pain supposed to go
away after you die?
HENRY: This is death, kid, not a vacation.
JEFF: So . . . I’m really dead.
HENRY: Ha, no, I’ve just been messing with you.
JEFF: Really?
HENRY: No.
JEFF: Oh my God, I’m dead.
HENRY: Yeah . . . sorry.
JEFF: You don’t sound sorry.
HENRY: Well, spend enough time here and you lose your ability to
care . . . it’s just what you say.
JEFF: So, what is this place, heaven?
HENRY: Heck, no! Heaven is way better than this . . . I think . . . I
hope.
JEFF: Oh God, oh God! Don’t tell me we’re down . . . there.
HENRY: Nah, it would be way hotter. And from what I hear, our
bodies would be ripped apart a thousand times over.
JEFF: So, where . . .
HENRY: Purgatory.
JEFF: Purgatory?
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Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
HENRY: But everyone here calls it the Purg, or just Purg. Nobody
calls it Purgatory here.
JEFF: Huh. Purgatory . . .
They stand there for a full 10 seconds, not talking, just waiting.
JEFF: . . . thanks.
MR. JENKINS: Hey there Jeff, how are you enjoying your first day?
Most people want to either thank me or punch me the first day
after I hire them. I sure hope you’re not the punching type.
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Copyright © MMVIII by Stephen Brown
Pause.
MR. JENKINS takes a cup, fills it from the imaginary water cooler,
and takes a sip.
BLACKOUT.
THE END
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