ANGER

During the cold war, the United States air force monitored information from as far as away as Turkey,
always alert of signs that missiles or bombers were on their way from Russia to the United States. When
a suspicious blip appeared on screen, it was immediately evaluated and a decision made whether to
ignore it, alert a fighter plane or send a squadron of B-52s.

Deep inside each of us is a similar command center on 24 hour alert for threats to our well-being. The
feeling on guard duty is anger. When danger-physical or emotional, real or imagined-threatens, this
inner watchdog sounds an alarm and we immediately prepare to fight or flee.

So far so good. That’s the way we are made and the way the emotion of anger become the deadly sin of
anger? It’s all in how we react once the alarm is sounded.

SENTRY OF THE SELF

The inner watchdog of anger, the sentry of the self, reacts differently in each person depending on
individual temperament. In some folks it is easy going, seldom seeing anything as a threat. In others it is
ready to sound the alarm at the slightest provocation.

One day a Chinese priest I lived with was trying to jump-start his car and did something wrong. The
battery blew up. All he said was, “Well, look at that!” Another time the gas tank fell off the car as he was
driving. He calmly called the rectory and calmly ask us what to do.

His inner watchdog did not go on alert for little things. People like this usually have a positive, upbeat
view of people and life. But the same set of experience for other person could have tripped the alarm
bell of anger immediately.

Besides determining how slowly or quickly the inner watchdog sounds the alarm, our basic
temperaments also determines the style in which we react once the bell starts ringing. Some people
immediately run for the bomb shelter. Their first reaction to threat is to flee, physically or emotionally.
The doormat wife who never disagree with her husband, the tacitum husband who never discuss family
problems because it usually lead to an argument-their instincts is to avoid life’s unpleasantness.

Other folks go on full alert. They are ready to strike physically, confront verbally, slam doors, breaking
things-even wash windows or clean the house to vent their anger.

Why some temperaments are more phlegmatic and others are extremely excitable is the focus of on
going research. But the fact that environmental and physical factors shape our temperament and
therefore our response to threat does not mean we cannot control anger or its unsavoury children:
vengeance, hate, rage, resentments, insults, rancor, quarrels. It does mean, however, that some of us
find it a greater challenge than others.

The important point is this: No matter what our temperament, no matter how quickly or slowly our
inner sentry sounds the alarm, and no matter we are predisposed to fight or to flight, we can decide
how we wre going to respond to the emotional juices once they start to flow.

Anger is an emotion, a feeling, and as such is neither good nor bad. It’s the way it influences the
person’s thinking or behaving that is bad. And it can have a deadly effect. That is why wise men over the
centuries have listed anger as one of the capital sins, a fountainhead spewing forth all sorts of harm to
the individual, to others and to the society.

Some writers in the past have maintained that anger can never be justified even in a just cause. I suspect
they would like to rewrite Scriptures so that Jesus sits down calmly with the merchants in the temple
and quietly convince them to take their money tables and animals out of the holy place.

Most authors, however, speak of a “just anger” that can be a source of good when it impels us to defend
a person who is being attacked or when it motivates us to crusade against injustice. Anger at injustice
can lead us to take positive steps to right existing wrongs.

A woman volunteering in a retirement center saw the way how the elderly were being taken advantage
of because they did not know the law or because they had no one to help them with all the red tape.
This angered her. Even though she was sixty herself, she went to law school, passed the bar, and
devoted her efforts to help the elderly get their due.

Yet even the “just anger” must always be tempered with mercy, compassion and non- violence. Since
often anger blinds people to their own lack of charity and justice, it can be dangerous to seek justice
through violent means.

In the vast majority of cases anger inspires cutting words, frozen silence, hatred, physical or
psychological violence- all of which are bad. Anger’s harm are usually easy to spot when physical
violence occurs. The psychological harm it does to others is not always easy to see.

Being a frequent object of a parent’s or teacher’s angry outbursts can contribute to a child’s poor self-
esteem and sense of wortlessness. Adult target of anger can, at the very least, experience upset, hurt or
even become angry themselves.

No matter how justified we feel in our anger, unless it is controlled and tempered, it will surely harm us.
Loss of sleep, headaches, stomach upset, ulcers, diabetic flares up, hypertensions-all can be a result of
the inner turmoil angel produces.

But anger also harms us by distorting our perception of reality. Anger acts like the blinders on a horse.
An angry person cannot see anything but the cause of hurt. How many people have left the Church,
given up the practice of their faith because they were angry with what a priest did or said? They cannot
see past the person to the message and presence of Christ.

Anger makes it difficult to see good in a situation. It can cause us to ignore the progress a child or a
spouse is making in changing behaviour. It blinds us to comprehending the reasons behind what others
d=said or did. In other words, anger usually makes the one who is angry more miserable than the one at
whom the anger is directed.

Besides harming the target of anger and ourselves, anger can also distort and destroy social
relationships. Love brings people together; anger, a distorted form of self -love, pushes people apart. A
gang member shoots a member of a rival gang because he didn’t show me respect. The second gang
wants revenge and shoots member of the first gang, and the process goes on destroying the peace and
security of a neighbourhood or an entire city.
The divisions created by anger can be long lasting. The parents of six children died leaving about 300,000
to be divided evenly among them. Two of the boys had borrowed money from their parents that that
they have never repaired. The other four thought that the debt should be deducted from the two
brother’s shares. When the two said that the parent never intended for them to repay, tempers flared.
No solution was reached and for twenty years the four never talked with the two. Anger ruined the
family’s harmony.

Civil strife; lack of cooperation between groups such as management and labor; suspicious between
racial, religious, ethnic communities-all can be caused by anger at past injustices even though the
present generation is trying to act in a fair and just manner.

I CHOOSE TO BE ANGRY

Our action can often provide a clue that we are angry. Some warning blip on our threat screen causes us
to be sullen, to give someone a cold shoulder, to blow our top, to give vent to sarcasm or to make a
sharp critical remark. Often we do not want to claim that anger. We tend to blame the actions or words
of others when we feel annoyed, peeved, miffed, upset, agitated, irked or riled up.

After a meeting one man asked his co-worker “ were you angry at me?” The co-worker said. “No. Why
do you think I was angry?” The first explained how the co-worker had turned his eyes away whenever he
spoke at the meeting. The co-worker paused and finally said, “Maybe you are right. I was angry because
of the way you cut off the fellow from finance who was talking. I thought ignoring what he had to say
was most impolite and unkind.”

Or our anger can get confused with other feelings: being used, put down, ignored or rejected.
Depression may be a sign of anger that is turned inward instead of being dealt with in a positive way.
And righteous indignation maybe a cloak hiding angry vengeance rather than a thirst for justice.

What most people do not realize is that there is nothing another person can do to make us angry. When
we perceive- whether rightly or wrongly- that some aspect of our personhood is under attack, we decide
whether to become angry. The same words spoken to different people will produce anger in one but not
in the other.

In a real sense we choose to be angry. Not every choice is a conscious one. Some may come from force
of a habit. But we chose to allow that habit of anger to continue if we fail to examine and deal with the
distorted image of ourselves that keeps it operating.

An important help in taking responsibility for one’s anger is identifying a spot in our psyche that is
hurting, the button that is being pushed to signal threat. Maybe it is an inflated self-importance, a need
to be in control, a desire to gather, and hold possessions, a yearning for physical pleasure.

Finding this tender spot may not be easy. It helps, however, to keep an inventory of the times during the
day when we feel upset or in other ways detect the stirrings of anger. We can ask: Why did I get angry
when that car cut me off, or when the lady with the shopping cart full of groceries got into my express
checkout? What in me was threatened by those actions? We can asks these kinds of questions about
whatever another says or does that upsets us: Why do I feel at least a tinge of anger when I hear a sexist
remark, or fail to persuade another during a political discussion, or see pictures of starving children on
the news? The answers to such questions will, in time, reveal what is out of killer in the way we assess
the threat in people and situations and decide to respond.

COUNTING TO TEN

Advice abounds on how to deal with situations that activates the virus of anger. Some say, “forget it,” as
if a person who is hurt can easily do that. Other say, “anger is wrong. Don’t get angry,” as if we have
absolute control over our feelings.

Still others caution, “Count to 10 before speaking or acting,” and that is pretty good advice. Taking that
deep breath gives us a moment to consider whether the fight or flight reaction we are about to give is
really in our best interests or that of others. But, sadly, this advice is seldom followed.

In recent years books and courses on how to deal with anger have proliferated. Some counsel vigorous
physical activity because of the strong bodily element in anger. Adrenaline is being pump into the blood
stream, muscles are tightening ready for action. Physical activity brings the body back to a more normal
balance and so lessens the impact of our anger.

Other writers counsel assertiveness, but there is a very thin line between assertion and aggression.
Aggression usually take the form of a verbal attack on the other. In those situations when it is prudent
and helpful to express the fact that we are angry and are asserting our rights, it should be done with
kindness and concern. I think of the people at airline check-in counters who are so often the brunt of
anger attacks when a flight is cancelled or someone gets bumped by overbooking.

Reason says, “Be gentle in your disagreements while holding on to your convictions.” When making an
assertion it is important to use first person pronouns. For example: “I feel angry because teasing hurts
and brings up bad memories of the past.” This statement reports and owns the anger.

But look at these statements in contrast: “You make me angry when you tease me.” It attempts to shift
the blame to the other person.

Some instructors say, “Let it all hangout.” They suggest shouting, screaming and expressing your anger.
This may release tension, but what do we gain by placing the blame on others, or injuring their feelings,
or endangering further bitterness and recriminations?

Someone who comes from a home where blow-ups are frequent but quickly forgotten may not realize
that such expression of anger can frighten, intimidate or alienate a person with different upbringing. An
ardent feminist once verbally attacked a celebrant after a Sunday Mass as an insensitive male chauvinist
who had insulted all the women in the congregation because he had not eliminated all sexist language in
the Mass prayers. No doubt she felt better, but the priest now is filled with anger because he felt
unfairly attacked. He had changed a great deal of the language and believed he had good reasons for not
changing the rest.

The anger virus hides deep in the soul and is almost impossible to eliminate entirely. The best we can do
is to control it. As with any infection it is important to catch it as soon as possible.

With most people the first sign of an onslaught of anger is physical. The throat constricts, the stomach
tightens or the blood pressure rises. This is the time to take the antibiotics of reason and reflection.
Reason is needed to step in and say, “Stop and look at the situation before acting. Is there a real threat
to my well being or only a projection of my fears? Is the other person really vicious or merely
insensitive? Am I being hypersensitive?

If the threat proves real, reason must asks further questions: “Was it intended”? If unintended we
choose to ignore it. If intended out reason must reach beyond violence for tools to deal with the threat.
Two of these are forgiving smile and an understanding heart. These-not tit for tat- are the sign of those
who are blessed as merciful and who will receive mercy.

In many situations reason has little chance to raise its voice between the first physical warnings that we
feel threatened and the welling up within us of uncontrolled angry impulses. Reason has to struggle to
be heard while it is trying to contain the fever. But whether reason succeeds or fails, we must look back
afterwards to identify the occasion for anger and how we respond to it. This is a helpful practice,
particularly if then try to imagine a more positive and helpful way to handle a similar future situation.

Exercises in imagination are important because more people have only one more or less set way of
responding when they feel threatened. Frequently this can be trace back to our basic temperament or
to a pattern established in early childhood. It may not be appropriate in every situation in later life.

There is one best way to tame anger. We need an arsenal of responses. These can only be developed as
we recognized how we usually react and then imagine and reflect on other reactions that might be more
beneficial. For example: “ I could have said this instead of what I did say. Then I could have left the room
till I cooled down. And later, I could have calmly told the person how I felt.

As we think of different ways to respond in future situations it is helpful to picture the situation in
details, hearing the words, replaying the actions, feeling the emotions. Then we can imagine ourselves
responding in a more positive manner. The hope is that the nest time the alarm bells goes off, this
alternative way of responding will come to mind so we can handle our anger in a more reasonable and
peaceful way.

Solomon Schimmel suggests keeping an angry diary. In it we record daily answers to the following
questions about specific incidents that provoked us to anger:

Could I have avoided the provocations?

- Was my response justified?

The remedy for the virus of anger suggested by all spiritual writers is to cultivate the opposite virtues.
Just as there are many words in the English language to describe degrees of anger, so there are many
words to describe the virtues that help one tame anger: forbearance, humility, patience, compassion,
empathy, joy, humor, and peace but a few.

The two virtues directly opposed to anger are meekness and clemency. It is impossible in a given
situation to be both meek and angry both merciful and angry.
Meekness, unfortunately, has a bad name. It conjures up a picture of a wishy-washy, spineless pushover.
But meekness in fact requires great strength. It means that one endures injury with patience and
without resentment. The “with patience” part of meekness may, in fact, be easier to practice than the
“without resentment” part. But together they are the steel rods in the spine of the meek person.

Meekness restrains anger within the bounds of reason. The meek person is truly master of himself or
herself. Wlater Farell describe the meek man as “ a fearless rider on a wild steed which he has so tamed
that it swerves to his lightest touch.”

Surely this is what Jesus had in mind when he said, “ Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the
earth. He would hardly promise the kingdom to the spineless, the wishy-washy.

The virtue of clemency moves us beyond the narrow justice of “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a
tooth.” It moderates the desire for revenge and punishment with forgiveness and an understanding of
the motives and weakness of others.

This, too, is a habit found only in the strong. It does not condone what the other has done. It sees the
action, the inflicted injury, for what it was, but it mercifully seeks the conversion and redemption of the
person rather than punishment for its own sake.

Memory, too, can be a big help in taming anger. It helps reason by bringing to mind the pain caused by
past outburst of anger as well as the peace and understanding in other situations when meekness and
the other virtues turned off the red alerts.

Memory can also summon help by remembering wise words such as those of the roman philosopher
who said it is better to accept human frailty in a spirit of forgiveness and understanding than to harbour
anger and punish offenders out of a spirit of hatred. It can also recall the words of Jesus:

“But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgement” (Mt. 5:22)

“But if anyone strikes you on the right check, turn the other also” (Mt. 5:39)

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (5:44)

“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (6:12)

If we reflect on these wise words in our calmer moments, memory will see that they pop into our head
when the alarm bell goes off, our anger is blazing red hot and we are counting to ten.

A final help in taming anger is to meditate on and pray over the way Jesus handled unjust attacks-even
physical violence. He never attributed bad motives to anyone except the hypocrites. He saw the good in
people. On the cross he forgave his killers because they did not realize what they were doing. Jesus was
so secure in knowing he was loved by God that nothing others said or did to him could trigger angry
reactions that he could not control.

Anger is second only to pride in the harm and suffering it causes in our lives and in our world. Anger
warns, “You are being attacked! Defend yourself! Get revenged!

But reason and grace say, “ Stop and think! Count to ten! Identify why you are angry. Take ownership of
your anger! Look for kind and just way to deal with the perceived threat.”
REFLECTION

What are the things that causes you or someone you know to get angry?

What is the button that is pushed when you feel anger rising in you?

Do you feel sometimes anger is justified? If so what virtues do you think have to be practiced in
conjunction with anger?

What do you find helpful in taming your anger?