Connecting Across Cultures

Connecting Across Cultures

The Helper’s Toolkit

PAMELA A. HAYS, PhD

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hays, Pamela A.

Connecting across cultures: the helper’s toolkit/Pamela A Hays.

p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-4522-1791-8 (pbk.)

1. Multiculturalism. 2. Culture. 3. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.

HM1271.H397 2013
305.8—dc23 2012016270

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

12 13 14 15 16 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
 Brief Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1. Diversity Is Unavoidable, and That’s a Good Thing

Chapter 2. The Starting Place: Knowing Who You Are
Chapter 3. Creating a New Awareness: What You Didn’t Learn in School
Chapter 4. The Invisible Boundary: How Privilege Affects Your Work and Life
Chapter 5. But Everyone I Know Agrees With Me: The Influence of Family and Friends
Chapter 6. That’s Not What I Mean: Effective, Respectful Communication
Chapter 7. Say What? Why Words Matter
Chapter 8. Making the Connection: The Four Relationship Vitals
Chapter 9. Keeping the Connection, Even When the Signal Is Faulty
Chapter 10. When the Golden Rule Isn’t Working: Respectful Conflict Resolution
Chapter 11. Conclusion

References

Index

About the Author

 Detailed Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1. Diversity Is Unavoidable, and That’s a Good Thing

Your Life Is Multicultural, Even If You Don’t Know It
What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You
Exercise: Awareness Quiz
Exercise: Expanding Your View

Chapter 2. The Starting Place: Knowing Who You Are

Exercise: Who Am I?
The ADDRESSING Culture Sketch
Exercise: Your Culture Sketch

Chapter 3. Creating a New Awareness: What You Didn’t Learn in School

Mindfulness Is Great, but Don’t Stop There
Essential Knowledge in Six Key Points
Exercise: Free Association
Exercise: Recognizing Subtle Bias

Chapter 4. The Invisible Boundary: How Privilege Affects Your Work and Life
But Privilege Isn’t Black and White
Exercise: Your Privilege Constellation
Exercise: Privilege Watch

Chapter 5. But Everyone I Know Agrees With Me: The Influence of Family and Friends
Exercise: Your Social Map
Culture Scripts
Exercise: Recognizing Your Culture Scripts

Chapter 6. That’s Not What I Mean: Effective, Respectful Communication

Names
The Nonverbals
Exercise: Recognizing Your Communication Preference
Exercise: The Eight Do’s and Don’ts of Respectful Communication
Chapter 7. Say What? Why Words Matter
Offensive Phrases
Offensive Words
Meanings of Ethnic and Racial Identifications
Exercise: Developing a New Perspective

Chapter 8. Making the Connection: The Four Relationship Vitals

Courage
Humility, Questioning Mind, and Compassion
Exercise: Questioning Mind
Exercise: Looking for Suffering
Exercise: Building Compassion

Chapter 9. Keeping the Connection, Even When the Signal Is Faulty

Defensiveness and the Spiral Down Effect
Preventing Disconnection
Five in-the-Moment Strategies for Staying Connected
Exercise: Paying Attention
Responding to Stereotypes
Exercise: Keeping the Connection

Chapter 10. When the Golden Rule Isn’t Working: Respectful Conflict Resolution
Exercise: Recognizing Your Values
When Priorities Differ
The RESPECT Strategies
Exercise: Open Versus Private Communication
Exercise: Practicing Respectful Resolution

Chapter 11. Conclusion

Exercise: Reflection Questions

References

Index

About the Author

 Acknowledgments

his book is a product of all the expertise and insider knowledge so generously shared with

T me over the years by my friends, family members, students, colleagues, and teachers. I am
very grateful to my writing buddy, Mary Ann Boyle, and to the following family members
and friends for their support and helpful feedback on the manuscript: Hugh and Marjorie
Hays, Libby Tisdell, Carolyn Kenny, Paul Landen, Miguel Gallardo, Josephine Johnson, and Linda
Mona. I also appreciate Brad Klontz’s encouragement. I am especially grateful to my husband, Robert
McCard, for his unwavering support, encouragement, and helpful feedback. And I would like to thank
the SAGE staff and reviewers, especially senior acquisitions editor Kassie Graves.
 Introduction

Diversity may be the hardest thing for a society to live with and perhaps the most
dangerous thing for a society to be without.

—William Sloane Coffin, Jr.1

uilding and sustaining relationships can be challenging, and the more diverse the world

B becomes, the greater the challenge. Connecting Across Cultures: The Helper’s Toolkit
focuses on the information helping professionals need. With fun exercises, helpful
suggestions, straightforward strategies, and realistic case examples, you will learn the
following:

Push-button words and phrases that can unintentionally offend and preferable alternatives
Verbal and nonverbal communication strategies that build respect
How to think about values in ways that minimize conflict
In-the-moment steps for defusing defensiveness
How to create a positive connection despite the challenges involved

Because good relationships are essential for success in human services, health care, education,
and counseling, this learning will increase your effectiveness and success at work. And because
cross-cultural relationships involve all the usual relationship challenges plus the extra-difficult ones,
what you learn in this book will help you with all your relationships.

1www.storiesfortrainers.com. Retrieved 12/30/11.

 1

Diversity Is Unavoidable, and That’s a Good

Thing

Great achievements are not born from a single vision but from the combination of
many distinctive viewpoints. Diversity challenges assumptions, opens minds, and
unlocks our potential to solve any problems we may face.

—Source unknown1

ob was living and teaching in a Siberian Yup’ik2 village on Saint Lawrence Island, off the

B west coast of Alaska. The Siberian Yup’ik people are known for exceptional survival skills
and awareness of the environment that help them to survive in an extreme climate. Listening,
observing, and silence are highly valued, which makes sense when you consider that talking, loud
noises, and fast movements scare away the fish and animals on which the people depend. Bob is a
friendly person and throughout the day, whenever he passed one of the 33 students in the small school,
he would always say “good morning” or “hi.” One day one of his students said to him with genuine
curiosity, “Why do you [White] guys say hi so much? Once is enough.” From the Siberian Yup’ik
perspective, one hello per day was sufficient.
When I asked Bob how he responded to the student’s question, he said it caught him off guard, but
after that he made an effort to say hello only once each day to the student. He confessed that he
continued to say hello several times to all the other students because it was ingrained in him as polite
behavior.
I call Bob’s experience of surprise at learning a totally new perspective the aha! experience. The
thought that often accompanies such an experience is, “Wow, I never thought of it that way.” Because
people often assume that their own culture, beliefs, and ways are the best and only ways, the aha!
experience can be unsettling and even painful. But if we avoid defensiveness and stay open to new
ideas, the aha! experience can change our assumptions and behavior in ways that facilitate our
relationships, broaden our perspectives, and enrich our lives. And much of the time, this learning can
be fun.

Consider this: Have you ever had an aha! experience? Did it change your behavior or perspective?
 YOUR LIFE IS MULTICULTURAL, EVEN IF YOU DON’T
KNOW IT
The world is in the midst of a multicultural revolution that touches everyone and offers possibilities
for a richer, more interesting, and sustainable future. For example, in today’s multicultural America,
people of Latino, Asian, Native, Middle Eastern, Pacific Island, and African heritage make up over
one third of the country. 3 Approximately 381 languages are spoken or signed.4 Religious minorities
include 2.6 million Jews, 1.3 million Muslims, 1 million Buddhists, and half a million Hindus.5
People who identify as LGBT6 are gaining increasing visibility, and approximately 19% of
Americans have disabilities.7 Generational differences cross all of these groups, as the average age
of Americans increases, and 13% of Americans are now older adults.8

Consider this: In today’s issue of your local newspaper, count how many articles are reporting on a
cross-cultural conflict, cultural event, or person of a minority culture (i.e., defined broadly to include
ethnic, racial, religious, and sexual minorities and people with disabilities). Are you surprised by the
number?

To give you an idea of the positive possibilities all this diversity brings, consider some of the
creations, solutions, and contributions of diverse minority cultures (i.e., ones you may have taken for
granted or assumed were European American):

1. Healing practices such as Chinese acupuncture, tai chi, and chi gong; Buddhist meditation and
mindfulness practices; and East Indian Ayurvedic medicine and yoga
2. Knowledge used to understand the impact of humans on the environment and develop pollution
prevention strategies (e.g., Iñuit and Iñupiaq9 elders’ firsthand observations of the effects of
global warming on ice, habitats, and animal populations)
3. Survival knowledge held by many Indigenous people of medicinal plants, hunting, fishing,
farming, and navigation
4. Music and musical instruments, including Caribbean reggae, Algerian rai, Tuva throat singing,
the Aboriginal didgeridoo, Hindu chants, and African American jazz, blues, and rap
5. Artwork such as Navajo tapestries, South American pottery, Alaska Native ivory carvings,
African wood carvings, and Chinese calligraphy
6. Dance, including Hawaiian hula, Louisiana Creole zydeco, African American break dancing,
Latin American tango and salsa, and AXIS—the collaborative dance of people with and without
disabilities
7. Diverse languages that include words for concepts that do not exist in all cultures and find
expression in, for example, Arabic poetry, Japanese haiku, Native storytelling, Greek mythology,
and Russian literature
8. Innovations such as the Chinese inventions of the clock, paper money, movable type printing,
fireworks, and compass; Arab inventions of the decimal system, Arabic numerals, the symbol for
 zero, artificial insemination for breeding horses, and the mechanical calendar; the Persian
invention of sugar extraction; the Aztec invention of hydroponics (plants grown without soil)
9. Unique foods, herbs, spices, and cooking techniques, including Japanese sushi, African
couscous, Chinese stir-fry, East Indian samosas, American Indian fry bread, Tibetan lentil soup,
and Turkish baklava
10. Clothing and fabrics that are beautiful, practical, inspirational, and/or derived from Indigenous
plants and materials—for example, the African caftan, Hawaiian muumuu, Indian sari,
embroidered Mexican dresses, colorful Indonesian fabrics, and the Gay Pride flag
11. Architecture—for example, domes that naturally cool homes in North Africa and Spain;
Japanese gardens and pagodas; beautiful and inspiring mosques, synagogues, cathedrals, and
Buddhist and Hindu temples; and the East Indian Taj Mahal
12. Forms of celebration, including Disability Pride parades, Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras, the
Muslim celebration of Eid at the end of Ramadan, Mexican fiesta, African American Kwanzaa,
Jewish bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah, Gay Pride parades, and diverse wedding rituals

WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW CAN HURT YOU

Many White people believe that they do not have a culture, perhaps because when you are immersed
in the dominant European American culture, it is difficult to see its influence. Think of asking a fish to
describe how it is affected by water, when the fish has never been out of water. Perceiving cultural
influences is easier when there is some sort of contrast. For many European Americans, this contrast
and the first recognition of having a culture comes when visiting another country. But for members of
minority groups, being in the minority brings continual awareness of one’s culture and minority status.
With or without awareness, culture influences us all. And as diversity increases, so do
misunderstandings and conflicts. Well-intentioned members of dominant groups are often unaware of
the ways in which their language and behavior communicate bias. Take the following quiz and see if
you can figure out what the dominant-culture member did that offended the other person.

EXERCISE 1.1
Awareness Quiz
Situation 1
Not long after she was hired, a 50-year-old European American manager named Sharon10
noticed the tension between Linda (a White employee) and Rhadiya (the department’s only
African American and only Muslim). Sharon initiated separate conversations with each woman
to look for a way to facilitate that person’s working relationship. Rhadiya told Sharon that she
felt less valued by the department and gave examples of team meetings in which she had
expressed her opinion and Linda ignored her. She acknowledged that this had occurred only with
Linda but felt irritated that none of the other White employees seemed to notice or care. When
Sharon talked with Linda, Linda became defensive and denied any negative feelings or
disrespectful behavior on her part. Sharon felt concerned about the situation so she asked
Rhadiya if she would be interested in making a presentation to the department on cultural issues
(“a sort of minitraining to increase our awareness,” she said). To Sharon’s surprise, Rhadiya
appeared irritated and said she had no interest in doing such a presentation.
Question: Why was Rhadiya offended?
Answer: Rhadiya took Sharon’s request as evidence of Sharon’s unwillingness to take the time
to learn about African Americans and Muslims or find a diversity expert to train the department.
Rhadiya resented the implication that it was her responsibility to educate her White coworkers.
She knew from experience that talking about race and religion with European American non-
Muslims often elicits defensiveness, and to conduct such a training would place her in a
vulnerable position. A defensive reaction already appeared to be occurring with Linda’s denial
that there was any problem, and based on the other White employees’ lack of reaction, Rhadiya
guessed that she could not count on their support. Although Sharon recognized the need for the
White employees to be more culturally sensitive, by asking Rhadiya to do the training, she was
putting the problem back on Rhadiya, reinforcing Linda’s implication that “Rhadiya is the one
with the problem, not me.”

Situation 2
On the first day of a college social studies class, the topic of gay marriage came up. The teacher
(who identified as heterosexual) was aware that there were two students who identified as gay
and made the statement “No one should be discriminated against because of his or her sexual
preference.” After class, the teacher moved toward the two students (who were sitting together)
in order to make a personal connection with them. As they stood up, they nodded at her to
acknowledge her presence but then turned away and quickly left. It was clear they did not want
to talk with her, which left her feeling hurt and confused.
Question: What did the teacher do or say that offended the students?
Answer: The teacher’s use of the term sexual preference, rather than sexual orientation,
assumed that a person chooses to be gay, with the implication that one can choose not to be. This
assumption of choice is commonly used by antigay groups to justify discrimination. Although the
teacher may have been open to feedback about her language, she did not have the opportunity
because her words offended the students who then avoided her. In addition, she may have
embarrassed the students when she moved toward them immediately after the discussion,
especially if they were not open about their sexual orientation in this setting. Her move toward
them also assumed that they were the only students who identified as gay or lesbian, which may
not have been the case.

Situation 3
A man in his late 50s was exiting an elevator at the same time as a woman who was using a
wheelchair. As the woman began to move her wheelchair forward, the man said, “Oh, let me
help you” and quickly reached for the handlebars to give her a push. The woman stated firmly,
“Please don’t touch my wheelchair.” He was surprised, then felt irritated because as he later
told a friend, “I was just trying to help. A person can’t even be polite anymore.”
 Question: What did the man do wrong?
Answer: The man was unaware of social norms from the perspective of a person with a
disability. For people who have disabilities, assistive animals and devices (e.g., wheelchairs,
canes, and walkers) function as extensions of the person’s body. As the psychologist Rhoda
Olkin11 notes, you would never touch a person’s legs without asking, so you wouldn’t want to
touch someone’s assistive device or assistance animal without permission. By reaching for her
wheelchair handlebars, the man was violating the woman’s personal space and taking control of
her mobility without asking if this was what she wanted.

Situation 4
Mark came to his college counseling center asking for help in figuring out what jobs to apply for
after graduation. In response to the young White counselor’s questions about Mark’s background,
Mark said his mother was Iñupiaq (Alaska Native) and father White (Russian/European
American). After his parents divorced, he and his older siblings took turns staying with their
father in the city and their mother in a rural area. When he was 18, his father died, and he
decided to stay with his mother for a semester, during which time, his maternal grandparents
both died. Mark became tearful when he said this and changed the subject back to his career
search. The counselor was familiar with the many losses experienced by Alaska Native people
and told Mark that he could see Mark had experienced many losses in his life and might need an
opportunity to grieve more fully. He added that counseling might be of assistance. At his
encouragement, Mark made another appointment, but the next week, Mark did not appear, and the
counselor did not hear from him again.
Question: Why didn’t Mark return?
Answer: The counselor had a limited knowledge of Alaska Native cultures, and the little he
knew was from a dominant cultural lens that focused on negatives. He had heard of alcoholism,
domestic violence, and historical oppression, but he did not know of the many positive, healthy
parts of Alaska Native cultures. If he had had a more holistic understanding of Native cultures
and more experience with Native people, he could have seen Mark’s cultural heritage as a
source of strength and support. If he had asked questions from this positive perspective, he
would have learned that Mark belonged to a Native dance group, which was a source of pride,
fun, and social support; that he was a role model for his younger nieces and nephews; and that
his extended family and church provided plenty of emotional, social, and physical support. Mark
had many opportunities to grieve with people who knew his father and grandparents well and
did not need a counselor for help in coping with these feelings.
Although all of the dominant-culture members above were well-intentioned, their good
intentions did not automatically eliminate their biases, and these biases led to hurtful mistakes.

Consider this: Have you ever had an experience similar to one above where something went wrong
and you didn’t know what? Were you able to keep a connection with the person?

Most of us have learned how to interact with others largely by trial and error, and in the process,
we make mistakes. Relationship mistakes are difficult to correct because the people who could give
us feedback often pull away and stop interacting with us. When culture is added to the mix,
relationship mistakes become more complex and difficult. Culture is like an iceberg; in the midst of
all this complexity, it is the enormous part you can’t see and risk crashing into if you don’t know it’s
there.12
If one is a member of a minority group, relationship mistakes may be experienced as what
psychologist Derald Wing Sue calls microaggressions—verbal or behavioral insults from members
of the dominant culture.13 When the action is unintentional, the dominant member may be oblivious to
the pain his or her comment or action has caused the minority member. If the dominant member does
become aware, he or she often feels embarrassed and becomes defensive. Meanwhile, the minority
member is left feeling hurt, confused, and sometimes angry.
In her essay “My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish,” Dr. Mana Lumumba-Kasongo
describes her ongoing experience with microaggressions related to dominant cultural stereotypes:

Over the years, the inability of patients and others to believe that I am a doctor has left me
utterly demoralized. … How can it be that with all the years of experience I have, all the
procedures I’ve performed and all the people I’ve interacted with in emergency situations, I
still get what I call “the look?” … I walk in the room and introduce myself then wait for the
patient—whether he or she is black, white or Asian—to steal glances at the ID card that is
attached to my scrubs or white coat. (I’ve thought of having it changed to read something like:
“It’s true. I’m a real doctor. Perhaps you’ve seen a black one on TV?”)14

Consider this: Have you ever experienced or unintentionally performed a microaggression? Did you
realize that it was a microaggression at the time? How did you feel afterward?

Hidden Information
Because the dominant culture is so dominant, minority perspectives are often outvoted, hidden
from, or ignored by the dominant culture, and the identities of successful members of minority cultures
are overlooked or de-emphasized. For example, did you know that the following individuals are
Latino?

Musicians Joan Baez, Gloria Estefan, Linda Ronstadt, Mariah Carey, opera star Plácido
Domingo, Cuban-born Desi Arnaz of I Love Lucy, Carlos Santana, Trini Lopez, teenage group
Menudo, and Jon Secada
Actors Martin Sheen (born Ramón Estevez), Rita Hayworth (born Rita Cansino), Cuban-born
Andy García, Mexican-born Anthony Quinn, Raquel Welch (born Raquel Welch Tejada), Puerto
Rican Rita Moreno, and Raul Julia
Baseball player Roberto Walker Clemente, golfer Lee Trevino, tennis star Rosemary Casals,
and former Raiders quarterback and coach Tom Flores
Former Housing and Urban Development Secretary Henry Cisneros; former New Mexico
governor and presidential candidate Bill Richardson; Head of the White House Office of Public
 Liaison under President Carter, Linda Chavez; and first Latina U.S. Surgeon General under
President Bush, Antonia Novello15

Similarly, mainstream history books rarely mention the enormous agricultural, scientific, and
medical contributions by African Americans to the United States before, during, and after slavery.
The U.S. Patent Office’s refusal to grant patents to slaves (which would have countered the view of
African Americans as incapable) persisted despite the large number of inventions by African
Americans.
These African American inventors included Elijah McCoy, who developed the automatic engine
lubricator; so many people made cheap imitations of his invention that would-be purchasers coined
the phrase “Is this the real McCoy?” Garrett Augustus Morgan invented the gas mask in 1912, which
saved the lives of hundreds of soldiers during World War I. Postal worker Shelby Davidson invented
the adding machine; Frederick McKinley Jones, the portable X-ray machine; and Lloyd Augusta Hall,
curing salts that revolutionized the meatpacking industry. Dr. Mae Jamison was a pioneering astronaut
who flew on the shuttle Endeavor; Dr. Lewis Wright developed the neck brace; Dr. William Hinton
developed the Davies-Hinton test for syphilis detection; and Dr. Samuel Kountz founded the largest
kidney transplant research center and made history by transplanting a kidney from mother to
daughter.16
The scientific and medical contributions of Arab and Muslim cultures are similarly unrecognized
by the dominant European American culture. Between the 9th and 13th centuries (known as the
Golden Era of Islam) an enormous number of inventions and cultural developments took place as the
Arabs spread Islam beyond Arabia. Arabs developed a hospital routine that is still practiced today
including formal registration of patients, case notes taken on daily morning rounds, and medical
examinations with pulse taking, tapping to sound out internal organs, questioning the patient, and
examination of the color and feel of the skin, type and depth of breathing, and the patient’s urine. At a
time when surgeons were considered butchers in Europe, Arabs were using anesthesia for surgery
and had a formal text describing routine surgical procedures, including catheterization of a male
patient.
The surgical manual developed by al-Zahrawi (AD 1000) was still in use by Oxford’s medics
during the 18th century, and Al-Majusi described a variety of contraceptive methods that were used in
the Middle East for more than 1,000 years. Before Jenner developed the cowpox vaccine, the
European Lady Montague learned the technique of smallpox vaccination from the Muslims
(specifically the Turks), which she then brought to England. And long before Freud developed his
talking cure, Al-Razi wrote of the ilaj-il-nafsani, a talking treatment for the psyche.17
Although one can find information about minority perspectives in the mainstream media, the bulk
of this information is written, directed, and produced by members of the dominant culture—people
who are predominantly European American, middle class, heterosexual, nondisabled, monolingual,
and of Christian heritage. Because such information is filtered through a dominant cultural lens, it is
skewed in favor of the dominant culture. For this reason, it is not enough to simply be open to new
perspectives. True cross-cultural understanding requires extra work—looking for and learning the
culture-specific information and communication skills necessary for relationship success.

EXERCISE 1.2
 Expanding Your View
Make a list of at least 10 positive minority cultural influences that affect or could affect your
life. If you have difficulty finding influences, search online using the name of a minority culture
and positive terms such as Muslim/Islamic inventions, discoveries; African American
accomplishments, innovations; lesbian/gay contributions, community building. For example,
if you do a search regarding well-known successful people with disabilities, you will find
information on people with disabilities who are successful actors and musicians (Tom Cruise,
Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Marlee Matlin, Robin Williams, Beethoven); professional athletes
(Magic Johnson, Jim Abbott); inventors (Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham
Bell); and political leaders (Winston Churchill, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Kansas Senator Bob
Dole).18 Use this information to think about how these individuals may have influenced you or
created influences that positively affect your life or perspective.

1Retrieved from http://multiracialfamily.org/2011/07/24/quote-great-achievements-are-not-born-from-a-single-vision/

2Pronounced Yoo-pik.

3U.S. Census Bureau. (2011). 2010 shows America’s diversity (American Community Survey). Retrieved from
http://2010.census.gov/news/releases/operations/cb11-cn125.html
4U.S. Census Bureau. (2005–2009). New Census Bureau report analyzes nation’s linguistic diversity (American Community
Survey). Retrieved from www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/american_community
_survey_acs/cb10-cn58.html
5American religion identification survey. (2008). Retrieved from http://commons.trincoll.edu/aris/6.
6Acronym for people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.
7U.S. Census Bureau. (2000). 20th anniversary of Americans with Disabilities Act. Retrieved from
www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special
_editions/cb10-ff13.html
8U.S. Census Bureau. (2010). Older Americans month. Retrieved from
www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/facts_for_features
_special_editions/cb10-ff06.html
9Pronounced Ih-nyoo-it and Ih-nyoo’-pee-ak.
10All examples are composites with pseudonyms.
11Olkin, R. (1999). What psychotherapists should know about disability. New York: Guilford.
12Comas-Díaz, L. (2011). Multicultural care: A clinician’ s guide to cultural competence. Washington, DC: American Psychological
Association.
13Sue, D. W., Capodilupo, C. M., Torino, G. C., Bucceri, J. M., Holder, A. M. B., Nadal, K. L., & Esquilin, M. (2007). Racia
microaggressions in everyday life. American Psychologist, 62, 271–286.
14Lumumba-Kasongo, M. (2006, April 3). My Black skin makes my White coat vanish. Newsweek, 147(14), 20.
15Novas, H. (1994). Everything you need to know about Latino history. New York: Penguin.
16Stewart, J. C. (1996). 1001 things you should know about African American history. New York: Broadway Books.
17Ashrif, S.
(1987). Eurocentrism and myopia in science teaching. Multicultural Teaching, 5, 28–30.
18Palsson,J. (2008, December).10 famous people with disabilities. ArticleDoctor. Retrieved from www.articledoctor.com/disability/10-
famous-people-disabilities-581
 2

The Starting Place

Knowing Who You Are

Until we can understand the assumptions in which we are drenched we cannot know
ourselves.

—Adrienne Rich

ake a minute to think about how you identify yourself with the following exercise. Fill in the

T blanks of the statement “I am ________” with whatever words you use to describe who you
are. For example, I am a woman, Jewish, an elder, father of an adopted child, a soldier,
Japanese American, middle class, gay, a person with a disability, Buddhist, an American,
Spanish-speaking, a single mother, an immigrant, and so on. Use as many blanks as you need.
As the multicultural expert Beverly Greene points out, all of the following individuals are
Christians: members of the Ku Klux Klan, Nazis and their sympathizers, Martin Luther King Jr.,
Condoleezza Rice, and George Bush—but this tells us little about Christians or Christianity. As she
notes, Martin Luther King Jr. had more in common with Gandhi than with any of these Christians, but
Gandhi was Hindu.1

EXERCISE 2.1
Who Am I?
I am __________________________. I am ______________________.
I am __________________________. I am ______________________.
I am __________________________. I am ______________________.
I am __________________________. I am ______________________.
Now look at your self-description. If you were able to fill in several of the blanks, apparently
you identify yourself in many ways. Most of us think of ourselves as complex and interesting
people. We would be reluctant to say that a sole characteristic defines who we are.
In contrast, we often think of other people in singular terms, particularly members of groups
 with whom we have little experience. This narrow perception of others limits our ability to
accurately understand and connect with those we perceive as different from ourselves. An
example includes assuming that a person’s identity as Muslim explains everything about him—
who he is, what he values, his political and religious beliefs, and so on.

No one identity can summarize the wholeness of any given person. Just as we perceive our own
richness, recognizing the richness in others is the first step toward understanding and connecting.
When we begin to see, or better yet, look for this richness, a world of difference and possibilities
opens.

The ADDRESSING Culture Sketch

To understand how cultural influences shape what you think, feel, and do, let’s start with an exercise I
call the ADDRESSING Culture Sketch. The acronym ADDRESSING stands for nine cultura
influences that affect us all. As you can see in Table 2.1 each of the ADDRESSING influences has a
dominant cultural group and a nondominant (minority) group associated with it.
Defining a person as belonging to a dominant or minority group can be complicated, because what
constitutes dominant or minority status depends on the situation. In general, a dominant group is one
that has privileges, power, and resources that minority groups do not. Many times the dominant group
is a numerical majority (e.g., White people in the United States) but not always. For example, women
in the United States are considered a minority because women are underrepresented in positions of
power, status, and high pay.
Complicating the distinction further is that many people belong to both minority and dominant
groups—for example, a biracial woman whose father is African American and mother European
American or a European American man who has a disability. Within an individual, some dominant
influences are more powerful than others and can override minority influences to determine one’s
status. For instance, older European Americans generally experience lower status in the United States
because of their age, even though they are White. However, if that older White person is male and
wealthy, he will experience especially high status. Wealthy and White trump old age.

Table 2.1 ADDRESSING Cultural Influences2

 A s Table 2.1 indicates, A stands for “Age and generational influences,” including not just your
chronological age but any cultural influences that have profoundly affected members of your
generation. If you are an American in your late 50s, this could include post–World War II economic
prosperity, Vietnam War protests, drugs, rock ‘n roll music, and the civil rights and women’s
movements, to name just a few. In contrast, if you are in your early 20s, your generation has been
strongly affected by computer technology, social media, widespread use of psychotropic medications,
the economic downturn, and unemployment. Granted, older people have also been affected by these
more recent influences; however, younger people have never experienced life without them.
Generational influences can also include generational roles that have shaped who you are. For
example, being an oldest son may have contributed to your particular opportunities and choices in
ways that are quite different from those of a youngest daughter. Other roles that are important for
many people include those of parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle.
In some cultures, particular generational roles carry responsibilities that are different from those
of the dominant culture. For example, in the traditional Alaska Native culture of the Tlingit, the
maternal uncle takes responsibility for rearing a woman’s son, even when the woman lives with the
son’s father. In the dominant European American culture, children and older people are commonly
considered minorities, although in many cultures, older adults are accorded higher status and are the
dominant group.
DD stands for “Developmental disabilities” (e.g., disabilities related to Down syndrome or fetal
alcohol spectrum disorder) and “other Disabilities” (e.g., those acquired at birth or later in life or
secondary to chronic health conditions). Minority groups include people who have cognitive, sensory,
physical, and/or psychiatric disabilities.
If you do not have a disability and belong to the dominant group of nondisabled people, this
influence is a reminder of the cognitive, sensory, physical, and psychological abilities you do have,
and their influence on you. Like the fish in water, if you have never had a disability or been a
caregiver for someone who has, you probably take your abilities for granted. You may never have
thought of yourself as part of nondisabled, dominant culture.
At the same time, it is important to note that having a disability does not mean that a person
automatically identifies with Disability Culture—a community that has its own norms, language, and
beliefs. For example, people who are born or later become deaf or hard of hearing may not identify
with Deaf Culture (which is signified by a capital D) and has its own language, norms, and beliefs.
R stands for “Religion and spirituality.” In the United States, religious minorities include
Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and Buddhists, along with a smaller number of people who hold other non-
Christian identities (e.g., Shinto, Zorastrian, and Sufi). Although some groups of Christians consider
themselves minorities (e.g., fundamentalist Christians, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses), the dominant
U.S. culture gives particular privileges to those of any Christian heritage over people of non-
Christian heritage.
E stands for “Ethnic and racial identity.” In the United States, ethnic and racial minorities include
people of African, Latino, Asian, Native, South Asian, Pacific Island, Arab, and Middle Eastern
ethnicities (along with cultures within these broader groups—e.g., Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Thai,
and people of other Asian identities). Middle-Eastern cultures include many non-Arab cultures (e.g.,
Kurdish, Turkish, and Iranian people).
S stands for “Socioeconomic status,” which is commonly defined by income, occupation, and
education. Minority groups include people who are living in poverty, often in rural or inner-city
areas, where resources are limited and educational opportunities are poor.
The second S stands for “Sexual orientation.” Minority groups include people who identify as
gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
I stands for “Indigenous heritage,” which refers to American Indian, Alaska Native, Native
Hawaiian, and other Indigenous people. Although in the United States many Native people consider
themselves to be members of an ethnic minority, this is not the case in all countries. For example, in
Canada many Indigenous people refer to themselves as the First Nations because they preceded
everyone who immigrated to the country. This includes the French and English who came as
colonizers and are referred to as the Second Nations, and all other ethnic groups who are described
as the Third Nations. First Nations people encounter prejudice and discrimination as do Third
Nations people; however, the former have unique concerns related to land, water, fishing, and other
rights. Many Native people identify with the worldwide movement of Indigenous people.
N stands for “National origin.” Minority groups include people who were born in another country
and often speak English as a second language (e.g., immigrants, refugees, and international students).
G stands for “Gender.” Minority groups include women and people who identify as transgender.
When you read this list, you may be thinking of other groups that could be defined as minority
cultures and wondering why they are not included in the ADDRESSING list (e.g., the business world,
the military, academia, the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery community). The reason for choosing the
particular ADDRESSING groups is that they are groups that have experienced a history of systematic,
institutionalized oppression—not isolated incidents of prejudice or discrimination. In addition, these
groups have been highlighted by several major helping professions (e.g., the American Psychological
Association, the American Counseling Association, and the National Association of Social Workers)
as requiring special attention due to chronic neglect by the helping professions and the dominant
culture.

Consider this: Although this book focuses on nine minority cultures within the United States, the
ADDRESSING framework can be used to think about the diversity within any group (e.g., diversity
within the U.S. military related to age and generational influences, disability/physical abilities,
religion, ethnic and racial identity, and so on). Is there a group not included here that you are thinking
of?

One way to begin exploring cultural influences on yourself is to start with the ADDRESSING
acronym, using it as a mirror to recognize and reflect on the cultural influences on you. Whether you
belong to the dominant cultural group or minority group (or both) in each domain, you have still been
influenced. Take a look at the example of Diane in Table 2.2 to gain an idea of the kind of information
to be looking for with regard to yourself.

Table 2.2. Diane’s ADDRESSING Culture Sketch

Age and generational influences: I am in my 50s; a post–World War II baby boomer; affected by
the women’s movement, Vietnam War, and hopefulness of college years in Chicago in the 1970s.
Developmental or other Disability: I am 40 pounds overweight, but I don’t consider this a
disability, although it contributes to my back pain and knee problems. My back pain and knee
problems do not keep me from most activities, so I don’t consider them disabilities either. I was a
caregiver for one year for my dad who was disabled by a stroke before he died.
Religion and spirituality: I grew up Methodist but no longer practice. I occasionally attend a
Unitarian church and hold some Buddhist beliefs. Being in nature feels spiritual to me.
Ethnic and racial identity: Mom was French/German and from her I learned French words and how
to make pastries, but she minimized the German because of prejudice against Germans after World
War II. My father was Scotch/English/Irish. I married into a Puerto Rican family and have two
bicultural, bilingual kids.
Socioeconomic status: Dad and Grandpa worked for the railroad, and Mom was a homemaker. I
grew up in a rural, working-class town in Illinois. My brother and I were the first in our family to
attend college, and I am now an urban, middle-class high school teacher.
Sexual orientation: I am heterosexual, but my brother is gay. Our parents have finally accepted this
and his partner.
Indigenous heritage: I do not have any Indigenous heritage that I know of, nor do I know any Native
people personally.
National origin: I was born and grew up in the United States; English is my first language, but I
speak functional Spanish.
Gender: I had a traditional upbringing regarding women’s roles, but the women’s movement
influenced my values and beliefs. Currently, I am in a female-dominated profession (teacher). My
roles as wife and mother are very important to me.

Source: Adapted from Hays, P.A. (2008). Addressing cultural complexities in practice: Assessment, diagnosis, and therapy.
Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Now take a few minutes to answer the following questions regarding each influence on you. There
may be some overlap between the areas of influence, so feel free to add information that is not
addressed by these questions. Try to approach the exercise with curiosity, letting go of judgments of
yourself or what you think you “should have” experienced. There are no right or wrong answers, no
right or wrong identities, because every individual is unique. The point is to increase awareness of
the influences on your values, decisions, behaviors, and opportunities that you may never have
considered. When you finish, you will have outlined your own Culture Sketch.

EXERCISE 2.2
Your Culture Sketch
Age and generational influences: When you were born, what were the social expectations for a
person of your identity? Do you identify with a particular generation (e.g., baby boomers, Gen X
or Y, second-generation immigrant, etc.)? How have your values and worldview been shaped by
the social movements of or influences on your generation (e.g., the Great Depression, World
War II, the Vietnam War, the women’s movement, Stonewall, Americans with Disabilities Act,
the civil rights movement, social media, an economic downturn, political events in another
country)?

Developmental or other Disability: Do you identify as someone living with a visible disability
or a nonvisible disability (e.g., chronic pain, psychiatric, or learning disability)? If no, has your
personal or professional life been affected by others with disabilities (e.g., friend, family
member, partner, or coworker with a disability)? How have your abilities or disability affected
your life and opportunities?
Religion and spirituality: Were you brought up in a religious or spiritual tradition? Do you
identify with a religion or have a spiritual practice now? How were your values and goals
shaped by your religious or nonreligious upbringing?

Ethnic and racial identity: What do you consider your ethnic or racial identity? If you were
adopted, what are the identities of your biological and adoptive parents? How do other people
identify you? Are these the same? Are there ethnic or racial differences within your family?

Socioeconomic status: What social class did you grow up in, and what do you consider your
socioeconomic status now? When you were in high school, what were the educational and work
opportunities available to you?

Sexual orientation: Do you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual? If you are
heterosexual, do you have a family member or friend who is gay? Is your family accepting of a
gay member?
Indigenous heritage: Do you belong to a Native tribe or nation (e.g., Native Hawaiian, First
Nations, Alaska Native, or American Indian)? Did you grow up on or near a reservation or
Native community? Do you seek to connect or reconnect with your Native community?

National origin: Are you a U.S. citizen, an international student, or immigrant? Were you born in
the United States? Do you (and your parents and grandparents) speak English as a first language?
How has your nationality affected your life and opportunities?

Gender: What were and are the gender-related roles and expectations for you in your family of
origin and current family, in your work setting, and in relation to your other cultural identities?
How have these expectations affected your choices in life?

Now look back over your sketch and see if there is anything that strikes you about it. You may
notice that this brief description only touches the surface and, as with the Who Am I? exercise,
there are many layers to who you are. I have found it helpful to discuss one’s sketch with a
partner or in a small group, sharing whatever you feel comfortable with but also listening to the
sketches of others. I am often surprised at the identifications that people hold, which are not
visibly apparent—one more reminder of the richness of human experience.
1Greene, B. (2009). The use and abuse of religious beliefs in dividing and conquering between socially marginalized groups: The same-
sex marriage debate. American Psychologist, 64, 698–709.
2Adaptedfrom Hays, P. A. (2008). Addressing cultural complexities in practice: Assessment, diagnosis, and therapy. Washington,
DC: American Psychological Association.
 3

Creating a New Awareness

What You Didn’t Learn in School

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to
stop questioning.

—Albert Einstein

indfulness begins by simply paying attention. When we pay attention to the world around

M us, we start to notice things. In the process of noticing, we become more aware of our
feelings and behaviors, of the feelings and behaviors of others, and of our environment.
We learn information that can help to improve our relationships, our effectiveness at
work, and our lives.
Because we spend so much time on automatic pilot, half conscious of what we are seeing, doing,
and saying, mindfulness takes effort. It requires observing and listening more, and letting go of our
fears regarding the future and our prejudices based in the past. It involves paying attention to the
present moment, in a nonjudgmental way. Of course, there are times when we need to make judgments
—for example, regarding what we need to do to stay healthy or get along with others. But the point of
this kind of judgment is to understand and help, not to embarrass, punish, or look down on someone.
When I first met my coworker Cheryl, I was impressed with her mindful, nonjudgmental manner.
She was of European American heritage, had traveled internationally, and was known for her study of
ancient spiritual practices, including meditation and yoga. Her studies seemed consistent with her
spiritual orientation to life. One day, during a hiring meeting, our work team was trying to decide
between a European American man and a woman from a non-European country—both of them well
qualified. During the course of our discussion, Cheryl said, “I would prefer to hire the man because
he is more like us and will fit in better.” Despite explanations of the ways in which greater diversity
could benefit our team and our work, she did not change her mind.
I was surprised by Cheryl’s perspective because given her experiences and interests, I had
assumed that she would see the advantages of diversity. Everyone in our work group of 15 (with one
exception) was a White, middle-aged, middle-class American of Christian or secular heritage, and
Cheryl’s statement indicated that she wanted to keep it that way. Her stance on this issue was a wake-
up call to me that the kind of awareness that comes with mindfulness does not automatically include
cross-cultural awareness.
 MINDFULNESS IS GREAT, BUT DON’T STOP THERE
When crossing cultures, mindfulness requires something extra—what I call essential knowledge. This
knowledge is invisible to members of the dominant culture, but it exerts a powerful influence on
relationships. Without it, awareness is limited, and cross-cultural connections are rarely successful.
In my workshops, I boil this knowledge down to six key points.

ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE IN SIX KEY POINTS

1. We all have biases.
Cognitive scientists know that human beings are hardwired to put things into categories and to
make generalizations based on these categories. We do this to make our lives more manageable, so
that we are not reacting to every new object, person, or event with the astonishment and confusion of
a 2-year-old. Most of the time this process helps us, but sometimes it does not, for example, when one
of our categories becomes too rigid or our generalizations too broad. Let me give you an example.
One day when I was 15 and home alone, two young men in black suits knocked on our door. They
told me they were missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) and
wanted to know if I would like to learn about their religion. I had never met anyone who identified as
Mormon, and I was interested in world religions, so I invited them in and immediately asked if they
would like a cup of coffee. They explained that they did not drink coffee or anything with caffeine in
it, but a glass of water would be nice. I gave them water, and we talked for a couple of hours. It was
so interesting that I agreed to meet with them again.
When they returned for a second visit, I invited them in and asked them to have a seat, but this
time, I did not ask if they wanted a cup of coffee. Based on my previous experience with them, I now
had a new category in my head (Mormons) with a generalization connected to it: Mormons do not
drink caffeinated beverages. I used my new generalization to make the young men comfortable by
asking if they would like a glass of water. Over the years, I continued to use this generalization to
facilitate my interactions with people who I knew to be Mormon, and it usually worked.
Then one day, I was working with a man I knew was Mormon, and he mentioned something about
missing coffee because he had stopped drinking it a couple of weeks before. Now if I had said to him,
“Whoa there, Bill, who do you think you’re kidding? You can’t be Mormon if you drink coffee!” I
would have been letting my rigid categories take precedence over his individuality. Fortunately, by
then I’d met many Mormons, some of whom did not strictly follow all the LDS guidelines, and I
simply accepted that this man could be both Mormon and a coffee drinker.
It is in this way that we continually create categories and generalizations, and adapt old ones to fit
new experiences. These categories and generalizations gradually bias us toward particular decisions,
choices, and behaviors. Often our biases facilitate our interactions by pointing us toward the most
efficient, accurate, and helpful behavior.

Consider this: Have you ever had an experience that contradicted a category or generalization you
were holding? Did you change your category or generalization?

But biases can also be harmful. As we age and develop over the years, we may develop
hardening of the categories—rigid categories and overly broad generalizations, otherwise known as
stereotypes that limit our thinking and place us and others in a box. Stereotypes can have a positive or
negative tint, but either way, they are limiting for both the holder of the stereotype and for the targeted
person. Descriptive stereotypes describe how a person is, while prescriptive stereotypes state how
or what a person should be, feel, think, or prefer.1 Stereotypes may be totally unsupported by facts, or
they may develop from an exaggeration of facts via selective perception and selective forgetting.
Either way, stereotypes are used to justify the acceptance or rejection of a group and its members.
One of the most painful ways in which stereotypes harm minority group members is via the
internalization of the dominant cultural message that minority cultures are inferior. A clear example of
this was shown in the landmark studies conducted in the early 1940s by Kenneth and Mamie Clark
and then repeated and filmed by Kiri Davis in 2005. African American children were shown Black
and White dolls, and when asked which doll looked like them, most of the children chose the Black
doll. When the children were then asked which doll was the nice doll, even in 2005, a majority chose
the White doll. When asked why the chosen doll was the nice one, a majority said “because he’s
White.” When asked which doll was the bad doll and why, a majority chose the Black doll, and said
“because he’s Black.”2

2. We are all biased, but we don’t all belong to dominant cultural groups.
Although we all have biases, some biases carry more weight than others. That is, the biases of
dominant groups are more powerful than the biases of minority groups. For example, if you are being
discriminated against as the sole person of color in your workplace but your White coworkers and
supervisor all disagree with you, chances are high that the dominant White perspective with its
particular bias will win.
For example, remember Rhadiya in Chapter 2, how her White supervisor and coworkers seemed
to consider her the problem? Because Rhadiya was in the minority, there was no one to back her
perspective. Even if her supervisor and coworkers were to ask their friends and family members
outside the workplace if the situation was handled well, if the friends and family members were
culturally similar, it is likely they would agree with the supervisor and other White employees.
Of course, bias can go both ways. That is, minority cultures can be biased against the dominant
culture. However, the dominant culture’s biases against minority groups exert a stronger influence
because the dominant culture has more power. For example, although a Mexican woman may hold a
stereotype of White men, because she is in the minority, chances are high that her stereotype will be
challenged over time by many encounters with White men and by dominant cultural messages that
reinforce the positive aspects of White culture and White men. In contrast, without any effort at all, a
White man can avoid meeting Mexican women and learning about their experiences directly. And a
lack of direct experience with minority group members increases the sticking power of the dominant
culture’s stereotypes.
In a class I taught years ago, I remember a young White woman asserting that she held no biases
or stereotypes regarding African Americans because she had had no contact with African Americans
until she visited a southern city as a child where she saw a sign stating Whites Only and thought it
was referring to laundry. Her naïveté about apartheid in the United States was in itself an example of
the power of dominant cultural biases—as a White child, she was insulated from and oblivious to the
racism that pervades the lives of African American children.
 EXERCISE 3.1
Free Association
Beginning with the first word in this list, read the word and then notice what immediately pops
into your mind, noting it in the blank space provided. You may react with a visual image, a
descriptive phrase, a thought, or feeling. No one else will see what you write or draw, so be
honest and don’t simply put what you think is an acceptable response.

1. All-American _____________________
2. Feminist ________________________
3. Black ___________________________
4. Muslim _________________________
5. Lesbian __________________________
6. Republican_______________________
7. Indian __________________________
8. Jew ____________________________
9. Liberal __________________________
10. Handicapped ____________________

Because this exercise brings up embarrassing stereotypes, when I do it with a group, I ask
participants to write their responses on a separate piece of paper without names. I then collect
the list and read them aloud. Although participants are always well-intentioned helping
professionals, the associations they make to these words contain many dominant-culture
stereotypes and biases. For example, the phrase All-American typically conjures up images of a
strong, young, White male who has short hair, may be a football player, and so on. The phrase
does not elicit images of an American who is Guatemalan, Hindu, or visually impaired—
although Guatemalans are also Americans, as are many Hindus and people who have
disabilities.

3. When bias is reinforced by powerful groups and social structures, the results
are systems of privilege and oppression.
One summer when my former husband Jawed and I were working in the desert in his home
country in North Africa, we checked into a beachfront hotel for two days of air-conditioned rest.
Although the beach was public, the path leading to the beach crossed the hotel grounds and a guarded
gate kept non-hotel guests from entering the beach by this more convenient route. The first afternoon
as Jawed and I walked through the gate to the beach, the guard said hello and did not ask for any
proof of our guest status. However, the next morning when Jawed went down by himself without his
room key, the guard refused to let him pass. In a heated exchange, it became apparent that the reason
Jawed had been permitted through the day before without proof of his guest status was because he had
been with me. My White skin was our privilege pass and because he was not with me, his right to
pass was questioned. What was especially painful about this incident was the fact that it was Jawed’s
“brothers” (i.e., countrymen) who refused to let him through. And this was in a nation where
colonialism had ended 30 years before.
When bias is paired with power, systems of privilege and oppression develop. These systems—
of which colonialism is just one—have a life of their own that extends beyond geographical borders,
laws, time, and the good intentions of individuals. People of Asian, Latino, Middle Eastern,
Indigenous, and African heritage have biases too, but throughout the world, the biases of European
Americans carry a lot more weight, even outside the United States and Europe. This greater influence
is due to the disproportionate military, political power, and resources controlled by the United States
and Europe.
Similarly within the United States, it is predominately European Americans who have the power
to elect government officials and pass laws by majority vote, because they are still a majority. The
highest court in the land, the Supreme Court, is predominantly White. A majority of Fortune 500
CEOs, Wall Street managers and bankers, powerful health care administrators, media moguls, and
university faculties who train future leaders are White. This dominant group is also predominantly
male, middle and upper class, of Christian or secular background, and without disability. In sum, the
people who have power are very similar to one another.

Consider this: Think of an organization you belong to (e.g., workplace, college, religious institution).
How many of the people in powerful positions (e.g., supervisors, faculty, authority figures) hold
minority identities?

These systems of privilege and oppression have been around for so long that they all have names.
As a group, I refer to them as the ‘isms and use an equation to illustrate their similarities.

Table 3.1 Bias + Power = ‘isms

Racial bias + power = racism, ethnocentrism

National bias + power = imperialism, colonialism
Christian bias + power = anti-Semitism (i.e., one form of Christian bias)
Age bias + power = ageism
Disability bias + power = ableism
Class bias + power = classism
Sexual orientation bias + power = heterosexism
Gender bias + power = sexism
Systems of privilege and oppression affect dominant and minority groups in both negative and
positive ways. For minority members, negative effects include prejudice, discrimination, lesser
access to resources, and sometimes internalized “isms” that decrease a person’s self-esteem. On the
positive side, minority group membership may provide a clear sense of identity, belonging, and
support. It may also lead to the development of strong coping abilities.
For dominant group members, privileges often go unrecognized by the dominant group because
they are taken for granted. These advantages include greater support for one’s perspective, interests,
and beliefs, along with greater access to information, resources, and opportunities. The downside of
privilege for dominant group members is a lack of awareness, understanding, and knowledge of the
experiences of minority cultures. This limited perspective is problematic for people who need to
understand the experiences of their clients, patients, students, and consumers in order to be effective.
Dominant group members may also miss out on learning that could enrich their lives—for example,
the experiences and knowledge that come from knowing a second language.
Educator Ruby Payne provides examples of the kinds of information, benefits, and opportunities
that middle-class people take for granted in a quiz called “Could you survive in middle class?” Here
are a few of the questions.3

1. If you have children, do you know how to get them into Little League, piano lessons, soccer,
etc.?
These activities cost money and are frequented by middle-class people who may be perceived
as patronizing by people living in poverty. However, this (as with the following examples) is
not the case for all people living in poverty; for example, some people in poverty are not
intimidated and may use bartering to obtain piano lessons and other opportunities for their
children.
2. Do you have and know how to use life insurance, disability insurance, and 20/80 medical
insurance?
Jobs performed by people in poverty do not provide insurance, nor do they pay enough to
purchase insurance.
3. Do you know how to get a good interest rate on a new-car loan?
People in poverty use public transportation, or they trade or buy used cars—not new ones.
4. Do you know how to get a library card and feel comfortable using it?
Using a library card assumes a person has the quiet time and space to read, a calendar to track
when books are due, reliable transportation to return books on time, and a certain comfort level
with the academic atmosphere of libraries.
5. Are you able to repair items in your house when they break, or do you know a repair service to
call?
The tools to repair items cost money, are rarely used, and substitutes can be found—for
example, a knife used in place of scissors. Also people in poverty rent rather than own, so there
is rarely the need to repair.

4. Nonprivileged (minority) members are socialized to be aware of the lines

separating those who have privilege from those who do not.
I once heard a successful writer (who had dark eyes and long black hair, and identified as
American Indian) say that when he flies first class, the flight attendant invariably asks to see his ticket
to be sure he is in the right place. The United States no longer has legal segregation, but social norms
and attitudes, economics, laws, environmental barriers, and formal and informal networks work to
keep minority groups aware of the rules and privileges that separate them from the dominant culture.
Laws permit discrimination against people who identify as gay (e.g., the right to marry and
privileges granted to married couples such as shared health benefits, Social Security spousal
retirement, survivor benefits, etc.). Social norms and economics keep people who are homeless out of
middle-class neighborhoods. Environmental obstacles and social attitudes prevent people with
disabilities from accessing opportunities, places, and events. Formal and informal networks prevent
people of color and women from moving up in the workplace. And because minority members are
more dependent on dominant groups for their survival, minority members have more to lose by
pushing on the rules or crossing the lines.
One of the most powerful examples of lines drawn by the dominant culture is in the historical
classification of people by race. The concept of race was originally developed by European and
American scientists who assumed that people could be classified genetically. Race was defined by a
wide variety of criteria, including geographical location, tribal affiliation, language, or physical
characteristics (e.g., skin tone, hair, facial features, body type). Underlying these classification
schemes were several assumptions: (1) that human cultures can be organized in genetically pure
groupings, (2) that this organization involves a superiority-inferiority hierarchy, and (3) that people of
European Christian heritage are on top.4
Researchers now agree that there are no racially pure groups of human beings, so the idea of
grouping people by race makes no sense from a genetic perspective. However, race has acquired a
social meaning that needs to be considered from a social perspective. For example, Brazil has 134
categories of blackness, whereas the United States has only a few, depending on who is defining.5
Because people still classify one another by race and mean something by it, understanding those
meanings is important. But it is equally important to remember that a person’s race says nothing about
intelligence, beliefs, preferences, and so on.

5. Privileged members of these systems are socialized to ignore the lines and
differences.
Dominant group members often have difficulty understanding this point. For example, Jane stated
that as one of the few White people in an Alaska Native village where she was working as a teacher,
she was a target of “racism.” But while Jane may have experienced prejudice (i.e., negative
judgments based on her race), this is not the same as living in a system of racism dominated by a
more powerful group. Even in this village where Alaska Native people were the numerical majority,
Jane was teaching a curriculum developed by her European American culture. She spoke and
expected the students to speak in her (English) language, and the European American educational
administration backed her in this expectation. Tests that measured students’ achievement were
developed by European Americans. And the legal and political institutions of the community were
and are those of the U.S. government. But Jane did not perceive the dominance of her own European
American culture because she had never been without it. As I once heard a radio commentator note,
privilege is like oxygen; you take it for granted until it is taken away.
Privileged groups do not need to be as aware of all these lines and rules because their jobs and
resources are less dependent on minority groups. People in power have more control over their own
lives because they, their friends, relatives, and culture dominate the court, banking system,
government, college admissions boards, and high-level insurance industry. Because these systems
operate according to dominant cultural norms, any exceptions (which require extra effort) become the
problem of minority-culture members.
For example, Washington State has a domestic partner law because same-sex marriage is not
legal (as of October 2011). Although this law gives gay couples similar rights (e.g., to visit a partner
in the hospital when only family members are allowed to visit), gay couples are issued a domestic
partner card to prove their status because it is likely they will need to prove it in such situations. But
married heterosexual couples, even those with different last names, are never asked to show a card to
prove that they are married.
If you belong to a privileged group, it is easier to ignore differences because acknowledging the
differences leads to an awareness of unfairness, which is painful. And working to increase fairness
involves a lot of extra effort.

6. Privilege separates privileged and nonprivileged people from important

information.
Mary took a day off from her busy schedule to attend a workshop on couple counseling by a
nationally known presenter. Mary works as a counselor with heterosexual and gay couples, and she
herself is in a same-sex marriage. Mary had been looking forward to learning information that would
increase her effectiveness with a diversity of clients, but the presenter began by stating “I will be
focusing only on normative couples today, not gays or lesbians.” He added that there was not enough
time to talk about “those people.”
Mary told me that later in the workshop, the presenter asked the participants to imagine the shame
that couples feel via an exercise that asked them to imagine that “You are a terrorist. You are a
pedophile. You are gay.” Mary knew several of the participants (gay and straight) and said even the
straight therapists in the audience were outraged by the heterosexist assumptions embedded in his
statements. During the break, when Mary tried to talk with him about the number of gay couples she
and other therapists were seeing, he again dismissed gay couples as too small in number to warrant
attention. In his privileged position, he had no need to question his own views, because the dominant
culture accepted his views as legitimate; he was and still is in high demand as an expert on couples.
News articles, books, films, television, and radio are disproportionately staffed by members of
the dominant culture, which means that the information that exists regarding minority groups is filtered
through a dominant cultural lens. If you are a member of a dominant group and do not have any close
relationships with minority group members, you will not have the same easy access to minority group
information that minority members have. In addition, as in the case of the presenter on couple
counseling, if you have a position of power within the dominant culture (which most helping
professionals do, relative to their clients), it is unlikely that you will be pushed to consider the
perspectives of less privileged people.
Why is this a problem? It is a problem because success in the helping professions requires an
understanding of people, and the more you know about a person’s beliefs, perspectives, and context,
the better your understanding of that person will be. Privilege works against this understanding
because it cuts dominant-culture members off from valuable sources of information, often without
awareness. And if you don’t know what you are missing, you increase your risk of misunderstanding,
misjudging, or offending those you are attempting to help.
 EXERCISE 3.2
Recognizing Subtle Bias
For one day, pay attention to every judgment you make of anything as good or bad. This includes
noting that a program or article is interesting or boring, a food is delicious or yucky, a person is
irritating or nice, a place is beautiful or ugly, an idea is important or stupid, an event is fun or a
waste of time. Increasing your awareness of judgments can increase your awareness of biases
for or against people, places, and things. Ask yourself, “Is my preference influenced by my
cultural upbringing or context?”

1Fiske, S. (1993). Controlling other people: The impact of power on stereotyping. American Psychologist, 48, 621–628.
2Davis, K. (2005). A girl like me. Retrieved from http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1091431409617440489#
3These questions are adaptations of a few of the items from Payne’s quiz in Payne, R. K. (1996). A framework for understanding
poverty (3rd ed.). Highlands, TX: Aha! Process.
4Spickard,
P. R. (1992). The illogic of racial categories. In M. P. P. Root (Ed.),Racially mixed people in America (pp. 12–23).
Newbury Park, CA: Sage.
5Gates, H. L. Jr. (2011). Black in Latin America. New York: New York University Press.
 4

The Invisible Boundary

How Privilege Affects Your Work and Life

To say my fate is not tied to yours is like saying your end of the boat is sinking.

—Hugh Downs

im is a tall, White man in his early 60s. When Jim was growing up, both of his parents worked

J hard at full-time jobs, and Jim took his first job at the age of 13. Money was tight, and for many
years the family did not have indoor plumbing. Jim did not especially like high school but
obtained passing grades, and because he was good at football, he was offered a scholarship to
college. He was the first in his family to attend college, and he studied hard and was able to go on to
graduate school. After finishing his graduate degree, he obtained work in a field that paid well,
although it was very hard work. He took positions in places where the climate was extreme, housing
was cramped, and sometimes the household toilet was a bucket. For more than 30 years, he worked
many more hours than he was paid and went out of his way to help others. He was able to retire at the
age of 54 and now has a wonderful life traveling and doing most of whatever he wants.
It is tempting to say that Jim deserves what he has now because he worked so hard for so long.
But such a statement ignores the privileges related to his identity, which gave him the opportunities to
succeed. Largely because he was a big, White man, he was able to go to college; only men were (and
still are) given football scholarships and in those days, preferably White men. After obtaining his
degrees, his color and gender helped him obtain employment that paid well, and he was able to take
higher-paying positions in places where many women, people of color, gay men, and lesbians would
not feel safe. He had no disabilities limiting where he could work or what he could do, nor did he
ever need to consider others’ prejudices regarding his capabilities. No one ever questioned his right
to hold a position of authority or harassed him because of his identity. His hard work was consistently
rewarded with advancements and more money.
Fortunately, Jim is quite modest and does not consider his privileges to be an indication that he is
better than anyone else. But the ever present danger for people of dominant cultural identities is that
they may begin to believe that they are more deserving. When you can walk into a store without
people staring or the security person following you around, when you can watch a movie or TV show
and the “good guys” look like you, when you can expect that the police will be on your side if you
call them, when people assume that you obtained your job because you earned it (not because of your
skin color), you may begin to believe that you are entitled to these advantages. Moreover, you may
even begin to believe that people who do not hold such privileges do not deserve them.
Often, privileges are so subtly reinforced by society that we are unaware of them. For example, if
you do not have a disability, you experience the privileges of walking where you want to go without
worrying about the barriers of stairs, curbs, gravel walkways, inaccessible restrooms, heavy doors,
and unreachable counters. You do not have to pay extra for a car with special handles, a hotel room
that meets your needs, computer technology that you can operate, a wheelchair or walker or other
assistive device for mobility, or the services of a person who can help you to read things you cannot
see, interpret things you cannot hear, or access things you cannot physically reach. And you do not
have to deal with the daily reactions of fear, avoidance, dismissal, and stares regarding your
difference.
But imagine for a moment that you are living in a world where everyone uses a wheelchair except
you and a few other people. You and other members of your chairless minority group must spend a
great deal of time and energy to adapt in this world. When you go to a restaurant with your friends, all
of whom use wheelchairs, you must call ahead to be sure there is a chair in which you can sit at the
table because all the other customers will have their own wheelchairs. Your neck and back hurt from
looking down at people who are always sitting, and bending over to use sinks, drawers, and cabinets
at wheelchair level. You frequently hit your head when entering rooms because ceilings are lower.
When you travel on airplanes and buses, everyone else rolls on with their wheelchairs and then stares
at you as you settle into your special seat in the front.
Although it may be difficult to perceive, if you are of European American or another dominant
cultural identity, you experience privileges related to this identity on a daily basis. These privileges
are easy to take for granted because they are accepted as the norm. But if you are a member of a
minority group, you do not have the privilege of taking even your own identity for granted because the
dominant group continually draws attention to it.
I am reminded of a tall, African American social worker in his 50s who lived in a city with
relatively few African Americans. During a discussion of the need for health care providers to be
aware of how patients see them, even if it is not how they see themselves, he said with fatigue in his
voice, “I get so tired of people making assumptions about who I am. When I go on vacation, I just
want to be not noticed, to just be one of the crowd.”
Randy Roberts Potts (grandson of the late televangelist Oral Roberts) described a similar
experience in relation to his sexual orientation: “The best thing about coming out has been to watch
myself go from someone terrified of being gay, to someone willing to fight for my right to be openly
gay, to finally, just another guy living his life who happens to be gay.”1

Consider this: If you hold a dominant cultural identity, how often do you think about this part of your
identity? If you hold a minority identity, how often do you think about this part of your identity?

Peggy McIntosh is a European American feminist who initially focused her work on raising
people’s awareness of male privilege. However, as she studied privilege, she began to see how
being White, even as a woman, helped her in many ways that she had previously taken for granted.
McIntosh came up with a list of 46 privileges that White people often experience—for example,
the privilege of shopping at a supermarket that sells foods that fit your cultural traditions; finding a
hair-dresser’s shop where someone knows how to cut your hair; being told about “civilization” and
how people of your color made it what it is; being sure that your children’s school curriculum will
testify to the existence of their race; being able to swear, dress in secondhand clothes, or not answer
letters without having people attribute these behaviors to your race; not being asked to speak for your
race; and being able to criticize the government without fear of being seen as a cultural outsider. 2
McIntosh called such advantages “the invisible knapsack of privilege” that White people carry
around with them all the time, usually without awareness.
Such privileges can lead to feelings of superiority that hinder relationships with those who do not
have the same privileges. As McIntosh noted, privilege can also prevent the development of coping
abilities that people without privilege use to survive. This negative buffer effect of privilege is one
explanation for the high suicide rates among older, White men who have recently lost their spouse.3

BUT PRIVILEGE ISN’T BLACK AND WHITE

Definitions of dominant and minority groups (i.e., who has privilege and who does not) depend on the
country. For example, in South Korea, North Koreans are considered a minority group, but in Japan
and the United States, North and South Koreans are considered minority groups. A minority group is
not defined by numbers but rather by power. Blacks in South Africa during apartheid made up a
majority of the population, but the dominant culture was White. Even when governments change and
minority groups gain power, dominant systems of privilege and oppression continue to exert
influence, as in the case of formerly colonized nations.
Definitions of minority and dominant groups also depend on context. For example, an older
college-educated, Pakistani man living in Toronto may experience privilege in his Pakistani
neighborhood but not in the larger Canadian society. An individual may also hold both privileged and
unprivileged identities at the same time, as in the case of a biracial woman whose father is White and
mother Jamaican. And if one’s identity changes, one’s privileges change—for example, when a
person becomes old enough to be considered an older adult or acquires a disability.
There are also people who appear to belong to the dominant culture but do not, and thus they may
or may not experience the associated privileges. In a class I taught several years ago, one of the
students made a comment about “our culture” apparently assuming that everyone in the room was
European American. He was surprised when a young, blonde woman asked him what culture he was
referring to because she was American Indian, born and raised on the Yakima reservation. People
who identify as gay, lesbian, transgender, a member of a religious minority culture, or with nonvisible
disabilities often experience such assumptions.
For ideas on some of the privileges you may experience without awareness, take a look at
Diane’s Constellation of Privileges in Table 4.1 (the same Diane whose culture sketch was outlined
i n Chapter 2). Notice the areas in which she has a star to the left of the ADDRESSING influence.
These are the areas in which she belongs to the dominant group. For her, this includes all the
ADDRESSING areas with the exception of gender. Read through the types of privileges that she lists
regarding her life. These may not be the same for you, but they will give you some ideas for exploring
your own.

Table 4.1 Diane’s Constellation of Privileges

*Age and generational influences: I am a member of the most politically and economically
powerful generation in the United States—the baby boomers. I belong to the American Association
of Retired Persons (AARP) and receive several benefits. Because of my age (not “too old” or “too
young”), people usually assume that I know what I’m talking about and listen to me.
*Developmental or other Disability: I have the privilege of going just about anywhere I want
without having to think ahead about whether the place will be accessible and the people hospitable.
*Religion or spirituality: Although I no longer think of myself as a Christian, I benefit from others’
assumptions that I am and have never experienced prejudice based on my spiritual beliefs. I can
count on having vacation during my favorite religious holiday (Christmas). Grocery stores sell the
foods I eat. People are not afraid of me because of my religion.
*Ethnic and racial identity: As a European American, I am a member of the dominant ethnic
culture. This means that many of my values, perspectives, and preferences are supported because
they are shared by the dominant group. The business world creates consumer goods and services
aimed at people of my culture. I am rarely concerned that I will be disliked, feared, or distrusted
because of my skin color.
*Socioeconomic status: I belong to the middle class, which has enormous buying power and
political power. When I go into a store, no one watches me to make sure I don’t steal something. I
feel comfortable in most restaurants, hotels, theaters, and shops. Store managers allow me to use
their restrooms without question.
*Sexual orientation: As a heterosexual, I have the privilege of marrying and receiving and sharing
spouse benefits. If I were to divorce, my sexual orientation would not be used against me in a
custody dispute. I have never experienced housing or any other type of discrimination based on my
sexual orientation. If my partner is hospitalized, I can visit him and talk with his doctors. I have no
fear that I could lose my job as a teacher because of my sexual orientation.
*Indigenous heritage: I belong to the culture that took possession of the land and water now known
as “my” country. I have the privilege of seeing my dominant ethnic group represented in history
books, movies, the media, and holidays (Columbus Day) as the most civilized, sophisticated,
successful, and deserving.
*National origin: I am a member of the strongest military and economic power in the world. I have
the privilege of being pretty sure that no other country will invade and take over my country. I can
travel almost anywhere, not needing to prove that I will return to my home country or worrying that
someone will think I am a terrorist. I have the privilege of fluently speaking the dominant language
of my country, and of expecting people in other countries to speak my language. When someone does
not understand my English, it is usually seen as their problem, not mine. (I don’t think this, but the
dominant culture does.)
Gender: I am not a member of the privileged group in this area.
*indicates membership in the dominant group

YOUR PRIVILEGE CONSTELLATION

Now return to your Culture sketch, noticing the areas in which you belong to the dominant group.
Using the blank lines below, start with the first influence of Age, and if you are between the ages of
20 and 60 (i.e., an adult but not an older adult), put a star next to Age. Next, go to Developmental or
other Disability, and put a star next to this area if you do not have a disability. Put a star next to
Religion if you are secular, Christian, or have Christian roots. If you are European American, put a
star next to Ethnic and racial identity. If you grew up or are currently middle class, put a star next to
Socioeconomic status. If you are heterosexual, place a star next to Sexual orientation. If you have no
Native heritage, put a star next to Indigenous heritage. If you were born and grew up in the United
States, put a star next to National origin. And if you are a man, place a star next to Gender.
Remember, everyone’s constellation is unique. You may have a star next to every influence, you may
have no stars, or you may have two or three.

EXERCISE 4.1
Your Privilege Constellation
Age and generational influences: ________________________________
Developmental or other Disability: ______________________________
Religion or spirituality: ______________________________________
Ethnic and racial identity: ______________________________________
Socioeconomic status: _______________________________________
Sexual orientation: _________________________________________
Indigenous heritage: ________________________________________
National origin: ____________________________________________
Gender: __________________________________________________

*indicates membership in the dominant group

Next, take some time to fill in the privileges you hold in relation to each of the
ADDRESSING influences. Watch for feelings of defensiveness and a tendency to explain away
your privileges. Most of us are acutely aware of the areas in which we feel oppressed, but we
often fail to notice the areas in which we have advantages.

A common reaction when people are attempting to recognize their own privilege is “Yes, but …”
as in “Yes, I experience privilege related to my race/sexual orientation/etc., but …”

I’m not racist/sexist/homophobic/etc.

Sometimes I am excluded, too
I am not responsible for what my forbearers/ancestors did
I never use it against anybody
I don’t really see color or notice differences

As human beings, we like to believe that our achievements are attained solely through our own
virtue and work. Particularly in the United States, there is a strong belief that the country is fair,
which generalizes to the belief that life is fair (e.g., “If you just work hard enough, you will
succeed”). It can be painful to recognize that life, even in the United States, is not fair and that you
have benefited from the unfairness.
But the purpose of this exercise is not to raise your guilt; rather, it is to increase awareness of the
ways in which privilege acts as a filter on your experiences and perceptions. Privilege cuts people
off from information about nonprivileged people’s experiences, allowing inaccurate beliefs and
biases to form, which are then reinforced by other privileged people who hold similar beliefs and
biases.
A White man I’ll call Lou shared an experience that illustrates this point. Not long after becoming
the minister of a culturally diverse church, Lou noticed that there were three, well-dressed, African
American women who came late every Sunday, arriving about 10 minutes into his sermon. Week after
week, with every late arrival, his irritation grew. He began to believe that their lateness was passive
aggressive and directed toward him because he was a White man. When he could no longer contain
his irritation, he commented to one of the male church deacons that the women were being
disrespectful to him and explained why he thought this. The deacon responded, “Oh, apparently you
don’t know about them. When they come to church on Sunday, they’ve worked all night as
housekeepers in a downtown hotel. They take the bus home first to clean up and get dressed nicely.
They don’t even have time to sleep before they get here.” Lou said that his irritation was immediately
replaced by feelings of appreciation and respect for the three women.
Before Lou learned this information, he had made an assumption based on his experiences as a
middle-class White man who had never worked as a housekeeper in a hotel, did not work the night
shift, and did not use the bus as his regular mode of transportation. Consequently, it never occurred to
him that the women were late because they worked a night shift and took the bus. Adding to his
misperception were assumptions about the attitudes of African American women toward White men
in positions of power. These latter assumptions were related to his limited experience with African
American women. Together, his experiences of privilege biased him toward a view of himself as the
wronged party.

EXERCISE 4.2
Privilege Watch
As you go through your day, try watching for the privileges you experience related to your
particular identity. This is easier if you are able to observe how someone who does not hold the
same privileges is treated.

If you are a middle-aged adult, notice how people speak to older adults and teenagers.
If you are a man, watch for differences in the way men interact with young women and how
they treat older women.
If you are heterosexual, think about the implications for your life of being denied the right to
marry (e.g., insurance and Social Security benefits, housing options, child custody, visiting
your partner in the hospital). Think about how it would feel to experience hostile reactions
when you are with your partner (e.g., on vacation requesting a room with one bed, attending
 a community event in a conservative small town, holding hands with or kissing your partner
in public).
If you have Christian roots, look for the ways in which Christianity is reinforced by the
dominant culture (official holidays; in legal proceedings; inscriptions on buildings,
monuments, coins; historical and current media perspectives on war and religious
conflicts).
If you are middle class, watch for privileges in your expectations that people will wait on
you when you enter a nice restaurant, store, or theater.
If you do not live with disability, pay attention to the attitudinal, environmental, and
logistical obstacles that would prevent access to individuals with disabilities.

As you begin to see the ways in which privilege benefits you, look for ways in which it may
limit your understanding or separate you from those who do not have the same privileges. Stay
open to the possibility that you may learn something new about someone else or about yourself.

1Roberts Potts, R. (2011). Dear Uncle Ronnie. In D. Savage & T. Miller (Ed.),It gets better: Coming out, overcoming bullying, and
creating a life worth living (pp. 183–184). New York: Dutton/Penguin.
2McIntosh, P. (1998). White privilege and male privilege. In M. L. Andersen & P. Hill Collins (Eds.),Race, class and gender (3rd ed.,
pp. 94–105). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.
3Richman,J. (1999). Psychotherapy with the suicidal elderly: A family-oriented approach. In M. Duffy (Ed.),Handbook of counseling
and psychotherapy with older adults (pp. 650–661). New York: Wiley.
 5

But Everyone I Know Agrees With Me

The Influence of Family and Friends

Dime con quién andas, y te diré con quién eres. (Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll
tell you who you are.)

—Spanish saying

en was in her 50s when she met Ruth, a wealthy 82-year-old, White woman. As a practicing

J musician and professor, Jen was asked to serve on the local symphony board on which Ruth
was also a member. Jen and Ruth immediately liked each other and began meeting for
occasional lunches to talk about their musical interests. Jen, a woman of American Indian
heritage and modest income, was delighted that she and Ruth seemed to cross the age, cultural, and
socioeconomic differences between them. Jen noticed that Ruth never called her but guessed that
because Jen was younger, Ruth might think that Jen should be the one to call as a sign of respect. Ruth
always responded positively to Jen’s calls, but after many months of initiating their meetings (and the
end of her board service), Jen decided to stop calling and Ruth never called.
Then one day Jen and Ruth ran into each other unexpectedly. Ruth looked at Jen with a smile on
her face, gently cupped her hands around Jen’s face, and said, “Oh my dear, I am so happy to see
you!” Jen promised to call Ruth again, which she did, and they met for another lunch. They had a nice
conversation but just as Jen was finishing her last sip of tea, Ruth said, “You know, my dear, I really
prefer to spend time with people of my means.”
Later, Jen told me that she felt as though she had been hit in the stomach. Jen wondered, did Ruth
think she was after her money? But Jen always paid for her own lunches, and they met in places Jen
could afford. Maybe Ruth wanted to go to more expensive places and be with people who could, too.
Maybe Ruth found it easier to be with people with whom she could talk about topics that Jen had no
connection to—country clubs, private jets, investments, or hiring “good help.” Jen never called or
heard from Ruth again.
Social psychology research has found that most people prefer individuals they consider similar to
themselves. Interracial couples still constitute only about 6% of all married couples, and between
10% and 12% of unmarried couples in the United States. Adoptive parents most commonly choose
children who are ethnically similar to themselves. Age-segregated communities are preferred by
many retirees. Members of religious communities often prefer to socialize with members of their own
religion. And as the example of Ruth and Jen illustrates, segregation by social class is common in the
form of gated communities, public and private schools and clubs, and occupational networks and
activities.
All these relationships exert influence over people’s lives in many ways. Social networks
influence a person’s beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors. They often determine a person’s educational
opportunities, occupation, and place of residence. And more subtly, social groups limit or broaden
one’s understanding of one’s self, others, and the world.
I remember the first time I saw a teaching tool called Exploring Sexual Orientation. Here are
some of the questions:

What causes heterosexuality?

40% of married couples get divorced. [The number has changed since this test was published.]
Why is it so difficult for straights to stay in long-term relationships?
99% of reported rapists are heterosexual. Why are straights so sexually aggressive?
The majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose children to
heterosexual teachers, scout leaders, coaches, etc.?
Are you offended when a straight person of the other sex “comes on” to you?
When did you choose your sexual orientation?1

I was in my late 20s at the time I read this test and didn’t think I had any prejudices regarding
people who identify as gay or lesbian. But a lightbulb went off in my head—an aha! experience—as I
recognized my heterosexual assumptions. With the exception of one couple with whom my family
socialized, I had been living in a heterosexual bubble. The dominant cultural messages permeating
this bubble-world kept me from seeing, connecting with, and learning from people who identify as
LGBT.

EXERCISE 5.1
Your Social Map
Make a list of the five people with whom you have the closest relationships. Whether friends or
family members, these are the people you trust the most and with whom you can be yourself. If
you don’t have five, list as many as you can, and if you have more than five, limit yourself to
five.
My 5 Confidantes: A DD R E S S I N G

1. _____________
2. _____________
3. _____________
4. _____________
 5. _____________

Now beginning with Column A, put a check next to the name of each person who is like you
with regard to age/generational cohort (see Table 5.1). For example, if you are middle-aged and
your first confidante is also middle-aged, put a check next to that person’s name under Column
A. If your second confidante is in his or her 60s (i.e., a different generation than you), do not put
a check next to his or her name under Column A. If a confidante is similar to you with regard to
disability, put a check next to that person’s name under DD. If the person is similar to you in
religious upbringing or current religion, put a check next to the person’s name under R. If the
person is similar to you in ethnicity or race, put a check next to that person’s name under E.
Continue with this pattern for the rest of the ADDRESSING influences, for every individual.

Table 5.1 Diane’s Social Map

In Diane’s example (Table 5.1), you can see that she differs in religion, ethnicity, and gender from
her Catholic, Puerto Rican husband, and in religion and ethnicity from her sister-in-law. However,
overall, her five confidantes are mostly similar to her and to one another. This similarity to one’s
closest social group—also called a reference group—is common because family members are usually
culturally similar, and as I mentioned, most people choose friends and partners who are culturally
similar.
Why is this important? Remember the sixth key point of the essential knowledge? Privilege
separates people from important information. If you belong to a privileged group and your closest
confidantes belong to the same group, when you have a question, dilemma, or negative experience,
how can your confidantes help you to understand the minority group’s perspective?
Rather than increasing your understanding, it is more likely that your confidantes will agree with
your view and reinforce your feelings of rightness. As the storyteller Elif Shafak notes, “If all the
people in our inner circle resemble us, it means we are surrounded by our mirror image.” She goes on
to describe an old Turkish custom practiced by her grandmother of hanging cloth over mirrors in their
house, in keeping with the belief that “It is not healthy for a human being to spend too much time
staring at his own reflection.”2
Although minority group members may also have an inner circle that is culturally similar, at the
same time, minority members are continually confronted with the views of the dominant culture
because they are in the minority. Minority members also often have greater diversity in their closest
social circle because they are surrounded by dominant groups, some of whom become partners and
friends.
At a conference I was attending of women therapists, a discussion question was posed to a group
of about 50 American women: “Have things become better for women in the United States during the
last decade, or are things worse?” Most of the participants were in their 30s and 40s, and no one
appeared over the age of 60 except my mom who was 77 and sitting next to me. The group included
many women of color but no older, African American women. As the participants took turns telling
about the challenges of working full-time, being a partner and a parent, workplace discrimination, and
gender biases in society, the group consensus developed that things have worsened. Participants
pointed out that women are judged negatively if they have kids and work outside the home (“You are
selfishly placing your career above your children.”); judged negatively if they stay home with the kids
(“You have no identity beyond wife and mother.”); judged negatively if they have no kids (“Why
don’t you have children?”); judged negatively if they are single (“Something must be wrong with
you.”); and judged negatively if they are in a relationship with another woman (“You are abnormal.”).
My mom did not speak up at the time, but later as we were talking about the discussion, she said
emphatically, “Things have changed.” We agreed that if there had been older, African American
women present, the discussion would have been quite different. Even for middle-class, White
women, Mom listed many examples of the way things used to be. When she was first married, a
woman needed her husband’s permission to obtain a checking account. Middle-class White women
did not have an identity outside the home, and if they had to work, they were looked down upon for
neglecting their home responsibilities. Married women “received an allowance from” their husbands.
There was no “welfare” and no shelters for women in abusive relationships, so essentially there were
“no outs.” Lesbians and women with disabilities were marginalized to the point of being invisible.
Women were all dieting because a woman’s marriage prospects (which determined her life) were
largely based on her body and face. Women never wore pants, and if they did, some people called it
cross-dressing. And she concluded, there was no such thing as a conference of professional women
because there were not enough of them to have a conference.
But because the women in this group were all younger, they did not know this information, or if
they had heard it before, it did not stick because it was not reinforced in their social circles. Because
they talked only to other young women, they did not hear alternative perspectives.
If you belong to a dominant group, you may be thinking of minority members with whom you work
as sources of learning regarding nonprivileged groups and alternative perspectives. But as illustrated
in the example of Rhadiya (the African American, Muslim woman in Chapter 1), minority group
members sometimes tire of being seen as multicultural experts and having to teach dominant group
members about their cultures.
Particularly if the minority group member is in a subordinate position (e.g., as a client, patient, or
student), it may be risky for him or her to share information with you, especially information that
pushes on your biases and beliefs. For example, if you are a White, female manager supervising a
younger woman of color, even if you and she have a good working relationship, it is unfair to expect
her to point out racial, age, or other cultural biases she sees in you, because you have power over her.
The best approach is to educate yourself, which will help you know what, when, and how to ask
questions. In addition, to truly learn from (not just about) minority group members, peer-level
relationships with minority members are a more reliable source than casual acquaintances or people
in a subordinate position to you. This means partners, family, friends, and colleagues who can be
honest with you and still maintain a caring relationship when you make an assumption that is offensive
to them or members of their group. In your current situation, you may not have peer-level
relationships with members of minority groups that differ from you. However, as you continue to
grow in your multicultural awareness and learning, it is more possible that you will.

Consider this: If you have at least one dominant cultural identity, do you have a peer relationship
with someone of a minority culture? What have you learned from this person?

CULTURE SCRIPTS
As you think about the cultural and social influences in your life, you may begin to remember
particular messages connected to these influences. Some of these messages are purposefully taught as
a way to reinforce family and cultural beliefs, whereas others are communicated in subtle ways. I call
these messages culture scripts 3 because whether conscious or unconscious, they affect people’s
decisions, choices, and behaviors in social situations, in intimate relationships, and especially in the
helping professions where good relationships are crucial to success. The messages will vary
depending on a person’s family upbringing and particular heritage, but Table 5.2 shows some
common examples within the United States, in relation to each of the cultural influences.

Table 5.2 Common Culture Scripts

Age and generational influences:

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Children should take care of their parents.
Don’t be a burden to your children.
Developmental and other Disabilities:
People with disabilities are less intelligent.
People with disabilities are asexual.
The worst that can happen is to end up disabled and dependent.
Religion:
Never bring up religion in a mixed social setting.
Catholics/Mormons are not true Christians.
Nonbelievers (outside my religion) are dangerous.
Ethnicity and race:
Race doesn’t matter.
It’s okay to be friends with someone of a different race, as long as you don’t marry one.
European cultures have accomplished more than any other culture in history.
Socioeconomic status:
Never discuss money in a social situation.
In the United States, the harder you work, the more successful you’ll be.
If you are poor, it is because you have not worked hard enough.
Sexual orientation:
Being gay is not natural.
They should keep their sexuality private like everybody else.
Indigenous heritage:
Native people are slow.
Native people have special rights that are unfair to non-Natives.
National origin:
The United States is the most moral and best country in the world.
Other countries would be better off following the U.S. system of capitalism and democracy.
Gender:
Women should succeed in their careers.
Being a wife and mother is the most important thing for women.
Transgender people are emotionally disturbed/confused/weird.
To understand how these scripts affect behavior, consider one that many White people learn
growing up: Race shouldn’t matter; it’s best to be “color-blind.” Although it may be well-
intentioned, the problem with this message is that in the real world, race does matter; racial identity
makes a big difference in people’s lives. For Whites, the differences are mostly positive and thus
taken for granted. But for people of color, the differences are not so positive.
People of color have fewer educational and career opportunities, receive poorer health care, are
more likely to live in areas polluted by industrial toxins, are more often victims of violence, and are
underrepresented in positions of power in government, business, education, and the professions.
Similarly, having a disability or being gay, a religious minority, poor, and so on makes a big
difference in the lives of minority group members.
“Color blindness” presented as the belief that race doesn’t matter is often positively intended by
dominant culture members. In their book NurtureShock, authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
describe a 2007 study of 17,000 families that found 75% of White parents never or almost never
talked about race with their children, whereas the majority of parents of color did. The authors
explain how this avoidance of the topic by Whites stems from a belief that discussions of race
reinforce divisions.4 White parents believed they were minimizing racist assumptions by avoiding the
topic of race.
But cognitive scientists have long known that from an early age, children create categories to
organize their experiences. As children enter school and begin to categorize people by obvious
physical differences, they also tend to assume that their own group is the best. So when parents fail to
talk about race with their children, their children are more likely to develop racial biases.

EXERCISE 5.2
Recognizing Your Culture Scripts
Now think about some of the messages you received growing up, and list one or two of these
messages in relation to each of the ADDRESSING influences and groups below. To help you
recognize your culture scripts, it may be helpful to use the following prompts:

I would describe them (older adults, children, people with disabilities, Asian Americans,
Muslims, etc.) as____________________________.
They are _______________________________.
They prefer to be (or do) ____________________________________.
They should/shouldn’t ________________________.
They never/always ___________________________.

Your culture scripts regarding:

Age, aging, children, and older adults

Disability and people with disabilities

Religion and people of religions other than yours

Ethnicity, race, and people of ethnic or racial groups other than yours

Socioeconomic status, including social class, money, and people living in poverty or of the
working, middle, or upper class

Sexual orientation and people who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual
 Indigenous/Native people

Nationality, including beliefs about your country and others’ attitudes toward immigrants, beliefs
about speaking a second language

Gender, including roles, expectations, and opportunities; attitudes toward women and people
who identify as transgender

As you continue to think about your ADDRESSING sketch and identity, watch for the influence of
culture scripts on your thoughts about the people you interact with on a daily basis. Think about how
these messages may be contributing to your attraction to particular people, media, activities, and
topics, and your disinterest in others. Watch for how these messages subtly affect your responses to
people you consider different from you. And pay attention to your own internal reactions as your
knowledge grows.

1Rochlin, M.(1977). The heterosexual questionnaire. Retrieved from www.pflagwestchester.org/PrideWorks/2008_Handouts/

HeterosexualQuestionnaire.pdf
2Shafak, E. (2010, October). TED talk [full text of speech]. Retrieved from www.elifshafak.com/ted_eng.asp
3Inspired by the concept of money scripts—learned beliefs that people hold about money that influence their financial decisions
throughout life—from the book Wired for Wealth by Brad Klontz, Ted Klontz, and Rick Kahler (2008) listed in the Reference section of
this book.
4Bronson, P., & Merryman, A. (2009). NutureShock. New York: Twelve/Hachette Book Group.
 6

That’s Not What I Mean

Effective, Respectful Communication

I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me … all I ask is that you respect me
as a human being.

—Jackie Robinson, the first African

American to play major league baseball

he Yupi’it 1 of Southwest Alaska use the term yuuyaraq to describe a traditional way of life

T involving three central principles. One, everything in life is interconnected. Two, harmony
between the human, animal, and spirit worlds is essential for survival. And three, harmony is
ensured via respectful attitude, speech, and behavior.2
This emphasis on respect makes sense when you know that for generations the land, water, and
animals provided the Yupi’it with all they needed to survive, as long as the people showed respect by
recognizing nature’s power and taking only what was needed. Even today when a person goes fishing,
if he is quiet, slow, and deliberate in his movements to avoid scaring the fish, and if he baits his hook
carefully, his chances of catching a fish are greater than if he is loud, throws trash in the river, and
carelessly baits his hook. Similarly, respect for fellow human beings works to ensure peaceful
relations among people living in close quarters during long dark winters.
Although much has changed in Alaska Native and American Indian cultures, respect continues to
be a central value. Lou Matheson describes respect as a quality that Native individuals carry within
as easily as their heart or spine, in contrast to the European American view of respect as an honor or
privilege that must be earned.3
This does not mean that European Americans dismiss the idea of respect. Rather, the priorities
are different. African American, Asian, East Indian, Latino, Arab, and other Middle Eastern cultures
place a high priority on respect. European American culture places a higher priority on egalitarian
interactions that ignore differences between individuals, including differences in status. For this
reason, European Americans give less attention to teaching children how to show respect to elders,
teachers, parents, and even peers.

Consider this: Did your family emphasize respect growing up? If yes, how were you taught to show
respect? If no, was something else emphasized?

The challenging part about being respectful is that different cultures show respect in different
ways, and when you consider differences within groups, it becomes even more complicated. A
behavior that is respectful in one culture may be considered disrespectful in another. What I have
found helpful is starting with some specific cultural knowledge (the more the better) regarding
preferred behavior and language and then, when I meet an individual of that culture, I keep this in the
back of my mind while I am simultaneously questioning whether the generalization applies. As in my
experience with my Mormon coworker who drank coffee, categories and generalizations can be
helpful if they move us closer to the other person’s experience, but the categories need to be flexible.
Here are some culture-specific examples of verbal and nonverbal respect.

NAMES
The most overt form of respect is what you call someone. If you have a name that is difficult for
people of other cultures to pronounce or spell, then you already know how annoying it is to
continually have to correct others’ pronunciation or spelling. If you are the one who has difficulty
pronouncing or spelling, you may need to pay special attention to the person’s name and write it down
so that you remember how to spell and pronounce it correctly.
One mnemonic (a memory strategy) for remembering names is to mentally make an association
with the new person’s name. The more ridiculous the association, the easier it will be to remember
(and obviously you never tell the person your association). For example, there is a well-known
researcher I occasionally cite who has the last name Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced chick-zent-mee-
hi). To help me remember how to pronounce his name, I imagined he was a young man who met a
young woman he was crazy about and told his friend, “That chick sent me high.”
If you meet or know the person whose name you are trying to remember, this strategy is a little
easier because there are meaningful associations you can make. For example, I know an Alaskan
woman whose last name is Wisniewski (pronounced wis-new-ski). I remember that her husband is
from Wisconsin, which is like Alaska in that when there is new snow, she might want to ski. To help
me with the spelling, I add the little saying “Remember i before e except after c …,” which reminds
me that I need to add an “e” after the middle “i” only because Wisconsin is in the middle of the
United States. I know this sounds ridiculous, and that is the whole point—the more ridiculous, the
easier it is to remember.

Consider this: Think of someone whose name you have a hard time remembering, pronouncing, or
spelling. Look it up first to get it right; then try using this strategy. If you can’t think of anyone, look in
a newspaper, magazine, history book, or online for a name you find difficult to spell or pronounce.

When it comes to titles of address (Mr., Miss, Ms., Mrs., Dr.) my general rule is to use local
customs and, when in doubt, ask the person how the individual prefers to be addressed. In many
health care and educational settings, there is an assumption that the patient/client/student will use a
title for the provider, although the provider calls the patient/client/student by first name. This use of
first names by the provider may be perceived as disrespectful, especially when the provider is White
and the patient is a person of color or an elder, so in such cases, it is a good idea to use a title until
you are sure it is not disrespectful to use first names. Also keep in mind that although you as a
provider or educator may want to cultivate an egalitarian relationship with your young students and
clients, it may be a cultural norm and parental preference that the young person use a title to address
authorities and anyone who is older.
On a side note, names can be a rich source of information, quickly telling you something about a
person’s cultural and ethnic heritage or the heritage of the person close to that person. Among many
Spanish-speaking people, a person’s surname is a hyphenated combination of their father’s paternal
surname first (i.e., the paternal grandfather’s name) and their mother’s paternal surname second (i.e.,
the maternal grandfather’s name). For example, the son of Manuel González-García and Margarita
Gutiérrez-Hernández would be Ricardo González-Gutiérrez. This custom makes it easier to figure out
who is connected to whom.
Along with individual and family variability, there may be geographical and cultural differences
related to the same names. For example, when I first began learning Arabic names, I assumed
everyone with an Arab name was Arab. But there are many people with Arabic names who are
Muslim and not Arab—for example, non-Arab Muslims in Iran, Turkey, and Indonesia (Indonesia
being the largest Muslim country in the world). The reason for this is that Arabs were the first
Muslims, and Arabic is the language of the Quran. As Arab people migrated to diverse cultures, these
cultures converted to Islam, and the people acquired Arabic names.
Arabic Muslim names are usually associated with qualities of God. For example, the name Abdel-
Jawed consists of Abdel meaning “the servant of” and Jawed meaning “The Generous” (referring to
God). It would be presumptuous for a person with this name to refer to himself without the Abdel
prefix, because it would sound like the individual is referring to himself as The Generous One.
However, in social interactions in the United States, many Muslim people simplify their names for
non-Muslims by deleting the Abdel prefix.
Other religious identities may also be conveyed via names. A friend recently told me that she was
scheduled for a job interview with a man whose last name she recognized as Mennonite. As soon as
he met her, it was clear that he had already guessed by her last name that she was Mennonite too. As
my friend explained, if you know the region the person is from and the family name, you know if that
person is Mennonite. “The Mennonite Game” is a term Mennonites use for theback and forth
questioning Mennonites do upon first meeting to pinpoint common connections.4
Because we are continually making guesses (sometimes unconsciously) about where people are
from and how they identify, the more you know about the possibilities, the closer your hypotheses
will be to what is accurate. As a helping professional, the more accurate your hypotheses are, the
fewer questions you will need to ask to obtain relevant information, which increases your efficiency.
Good working hypotheses also decrease the chance of saying or asking something offensive.

THE NONVERBALS
Silence

In the movie Smoke Signals,5 an angry young man named Victor lives with his mother on the
Coeur d’Alene reservation. Victor has painful childhood memories of his father’s drinking and
pretends not to care that his father left when Victor was a boy. One day Victor’s mother receives a
phone call from a woman who says that Victor’s father has died, and she has his things if someone
wants to come to Arizona to pick them up. But Victor and his mother have no money and no car. Then
Victor’s nerdy, younger cousin Thomas offers his savings on one condition: Victor has to take
Thomas with him. Neither of them has been off the reservation, but Victor does not want his first trip
to be with Thomas, whose constant talking, upbeat attitude, pigtails, and goofy grin all annoy the
“cool” Victor.
As Victor’s mother is cooking fry bread in the kitchen, he describes Thomas’s offer with an
attitude that indicates his disinterest in accepting it. Victor’s mother responds with a few seconds of
silence, then asks Victor if he knows how she learned to make such good fry bread. He replies that he
knows she makes it all by herself. She smiles and then goes on to tell him about all the people who
have helped in making her fry bread—her grandmother who taught her how to make it, her
grandmother who passed down the recipe, and all the people who have eaten it over the years and
said “Arlene, there’s too much flour” or “Arlene, you should knead your dough more.” And she adds
“I watch that Julia Child. She’s a good cook too but she gets lots of help.” Victor responds with a
respectful silence. The point is not lost on him, and he eventually accepts (albeit begrudgingly)
Thomas’s offer.
In contrast to the European American view of silence as an absence of something, many Native
people purposefully use silence to show respect and indicate that the listener is thinking about what
the speaker has said. I call this form of communication stop-and-pause, because the listener waits a
second or two after the speaker has finished before speaking.
Stop-and-pause communication contrasts sharply with overlapping speech in which the listener
begins speaking before the speaker has finished. In overlapping speech, the two speakers overlap,
indicating they are on the same track. For example:

A: I was going to that new store yesterday. You know the one that has the big—

B: Oh yeah, the big sign out front. I saw that yester—

A: Yeah, yeah, that’s the one. Well, I saw that guy Bill and—

B: You saw Bill? I haven’t seen him in ages, so what was he—

Overlapping speech is common among people of European American, Arab, Jewish, and some
Latino cultures, whereas stop-and-pause is common among Alaska Native and American Indian
people. There is nothing inherently right or wrong about either form, but because the patterns are
learned from childhood and reinforced by the surrounding culture, people are often unaware of their
own tendencies and the potential for conflict. When a stop-and-pause person talks with an
overlapping person, the stop-and-pauser often interprets the overlapper’s interruptions as rude and
disrespectful, while the overlapper assumes the stop-and-pauser is mentally slow or hard of hearing.

EXERCISE 6.1
Recognizing Your Communication Preferences
Note which form of communication your family of origin used and which one you are most
comfortable with. Then watch for an opportunity to interact with someone of a different
 communication preference, and try adapting to that person’s preference. You may find that this
adaptation helps to decrease frustration in your interactions with particular people.

Question and Answer

The simple act of asking a question can suggest that the inquirer is negatively judging a person.
For the It Gets Better project, entertainer Murray Hill described his painful experiences of being
repeatedly asked about his differences:

As far back as I can remember, I’ve been judged, teased, picked on, and embarrassed in
public for my ambiguous gender. I didn’t look or act like the other girls. Growing up, I could
never just “be.” I was always questioned: Are you a boy or girl? What’s with your voice?
Why do you wear boy’s clothes? Why don’t you have a boyfriend? Why do you have a boy’s
haircut? … My body was under constant surveillance.6

A related aspect of communication involves the pace of questioning. In healthcare settings where
the provider is attempting to gather information quickly, elders and people of Asian and Native
heritage may experience repeated questioning as a barrage. People of diverse, ethnic minority
cultures may also be sensitive to questions that require disclosure of information that could reflect
poorly on the person’s family.
Protection of one’s family reputation is important for many reasons, including maintenance of the
family’s standing in the community. In Orthodox Jewish and Arab families, the reputation of even one
family member can affect an adult child’s marriage prospects—for example, if a close relative has a
psychiatric illness or has committed a crime. In addition, historically the dominant culture has used
negative information about individual members of minority groups to justify negative stereotypes
about entire cultures. For these reasons, as the mother of an African American friend told her
daughter, “You don’t air your dirty laundry.”

Subtle/Indirect Communication
You may also have noticed another form of communication used in the example of Victor—one
that is common to Native cultures but not European American. Rather than respond directly to
Victor’s dislike of Thomas’s offer, Arlene told a story that subtly contained her response. Victor was
then free to accept the point (or not) without feeling pinned down.
Similarly, for many Asian people, directly making a point that could conflict with someone else’s
is considered disrespectful. For example, when an assertive European American states where she
wants to go for lunch before a polite Japanese coworker indicates her preference, chances are high
that the Japanese coworker will not state her preference. By not stating her preference, the Japanese
woman is prioritizing the relationship over her restaurant choice, and from her perspective, the
assertive European American behavior is self-centered.
European Americans value personal assertiveness and directness so much that even the term
indirect communication has a negative connotation. But this form of communication can be positively
described as subtle, tactful, and prioritizing harmonious relationships over personal desires. If you
are not accustomed to this approach, try this: The next time you want to do something with someone,
ask what the person would like to do first, then adapt your response to minimize the differences or
conflict.

Physical Touch
Among European Americans, a firm handshake communicates confidence upon meeting someone.
If it is especially vigorous, it may be an attempt to dominate. Many Native people have a lighter
handshake intended to receive information rather than send a message. Among conservative Muslims
and Orthodox Jews, unrelated men and women do not shake hands because they do not touch one
another. Similarly, male Buddhist monks do not shake hands with women. When it comes to
handshakes, my general rule is to let the other person initiate the handshake and then to be responsive.
But this rule applies to me as a woman. If I were a man, I would probably initiate handshakes with
other men more often.
In the workplace, touch is a touchy subject. Even a friendly arm around someone’s shoulder may
be perceived negatively depending on the identities of the receiver and the giver. For example, if the
receiver is in a subordinate role or belongs to a minority group and the giver does not, the receiver
may feel dominated. Also, people who have been abused or assaulted often have strong reactions to
an unrequested touch or hug, and it is estimated that 1 in 6 American women and 1 in 33 men have
been the victim of sexual assault.7
Among Arab and European people, kissing on one or both sides of the face is as normal a greeting
as shaking hands. However, there are culture-specific rules regarding who one greets in this way. For
example, in Arab cultures, women kiss women, and men kiss men, but women and men kiss in
greeting only when they are related by family or close friendship.
For many Arab Muslims, the public show of romantic affection is considered impolite between a
man and woman even if they are married because, as a young Muslim man explained to me, it is
suggestive of a relationship that single people would like to have but cannot. On a humorous note, he
added, “It is sort of like eating cake in front of someone who can’t have sweets.”

Physical Space
If you have ever talked with someone whose body space differs from yours, you know how
uncomfortable it can be. If you are the one who prefers more distance, you may find yourself backing
up, whereas if you are the one being backed away from, you may start to wonder if you have bad
breath.
I had one of those aha! moments regarding physical space when I was talking with a woman at a
workshop, via an interpreter who was signing. The woman was giving me examples of annoying
nonverbal behaviors by hearing people and said, “Why do hearing people always move right up into
my face? It’s as if they think because I can’t hear, I can’t see either.” I quickly checked myself to be
sure I was not standing too close to her, but there was a desk between us so that was one mistake I did
not have to learn the hard way. A related point is, if you are a hearing person, rather than saying that
the person who is Deaf needs an interpreter to talk with you, it is more respectful to say that you need
the interpreter because you do not know how to sign.
In general, people of Mediterranean roots (e.g., Latino, southern European, and Arab) are
comfortable with less physical space between individuals. When I lived in Tunisia (a predominantly
Arab Muslim country in North Africa), the women would spend most evenings visiting and drinking
tea with one another in the courtyard while sitting on sheep’s wool mattresses on the tiled floor. One
time I remember noticing that we were all sitting so closely that the shoulder and hip of one of my
sisters-in-law was touching me on one side, that of another sister-in-law touched my other side, and a
niece’s arms draped over my outstretched legs. Although the courtyard was large and there was
plenty of space, we always sat close like this—a contrast to my European American family of origin
in which people are affectionate but with much less physical expression.
On the other hand, consider a fascinating study that reminds us to keep those generalizations
flexible. Researchers found that, as one might expect, Venezuelans (who have Mediterranean roots)
sat closer when speaking in Spanish then did Japanese students speaking in Japanese. However, when
both groups spoke English, they sat at distances similar to those of students in the United States.8 So
when it comes to physical space, when you notice something feels off in an interaction, consider the
possibility that you are physically too far from or close to the other person for the individual’s
comfort.

Eye Contact
Although direct and steady eye contact is considered a sign of self-confidence and interest in
European American culture, it may be perceived as aggressive, sexually provocative, or disrespectful
in Native and Middle Eastern cultures. For example, traditionally oriented Navajo students speaking
to professors demonstrate respect via indirect eye contact.9
Within cultures, people’s eye contact may also vary depending on whether they are speaking or
listening. When I was first getting to know an African American coworker, I thought she wasn’t
listening to me because when I talked, she gave me very little eye contact. However, I soon began
noticing that when she spoke to me, she gave me direct eye contact. Then I paid closer attention and
realized that I give more direct eye contact when I am listening and less when I am speaking—i.e., the
opposite of my coworker.

Consider this: Do you know your eye contact tendency? If not, watch for it, particularly when you
have the sense that someone is not listening to you.

Of course, a particular kind of direct eye contact is hostile and offensive in most cultures. In an
article examining her experiences of privilege and oppression as a European American woman,
Stacey Prince writes:

Generally in the world, unless I am with my partner or someone has good “gaydar,”10 I pass as
heterosexual (an unearned privilege). My partner Teri, as a more butch woman, experiences
“the look” more often than I do—and when we are together … and outside of the safety of
Seattle, we experience “the look” almost continuously. I have a client who often references
the “black tax” (having to work that much harder to succeed and be successful as a
professional woman of color) and recently on a trip I recognized how often I experience the
“gay tax”—for example, having to prove myself a worthy companion when surrounded by
 heterosexual couples with whom I am trying to make conversation. I see the look, the
recognition, and the subtle standoffishness; by the end of the event a few are laughing and
joking with me, and I feel the success of that but also the exhaustion.11

Dress
What you wear is also a form of nonverbal communication. I remember a North African man
telling me about a time his family invited some Americans over for dinner and they showed up in
jeans and T-shirts. The family said nothing about the Americans’ attire but considered it rude. From
their perspective, a dinner invitation was a special event, and the Americans’ dress suggested they
were going somewhere unimportant. Similarly, clothes that are revealing can be offensive to people
of Middle Eastern cultures.
Because norms regarding dress vary across generations and settings, what works for one may not
work for another. For example, although tattoos and piercings are common among younger people and
in some workplaces, older people may see them as a sign of immaturity, poor judgment, or so strange
that the elder thinks “How could they possibly understand me?” I know of a young counselor who was
excellent in working with children, but some parents who were looking for a therapist did not want
their child to see her. Although they did not say it, I suspect their decision was related to distrust
and/or concern that their child would be impressed with her tattoos and dress and want the same
thing.
If you notice yourself feeling defensive regarding other people’s views of your dress, thinking
about your priorities may help you figure out what to do (or rather, wear). If the relationship is your
priority, then you may want to change what you wear. However, if something else is more important
to you (e.g., your sense of self, self-expression, or comfort), changing your attire may feel like too
much of a change to make. At the least, understanding that others may interpret your dress differently
than you intend can help you avoid misunderstandings.

Miscellaneous
Another form of respect is speaking directly to an individual (vs. talking to someone else about
the person when the individual is present). This might seem obvious, but I have seen people ignore a
person who is in the room simply because the person is older or has a disability. For example, an
Argentinian friend of mine recounted how when she took her mother to the mother’s doctor
appointment, the physician gave all his eye contact to my friend as he talked about her mother’s
health. The physician knew that the mother had no cognitive deficits, and although his behavior was
unintentional, it was clearly disrespectful and hurtful to the mother.
On the flip side, regarding people with disabilities, don’t stare, and don’t assume that people with
disabilities need help. When you first meet a person with a disability, don’t immediately tell the
individual about the other person you know who has a disability. As Rhoda Olkin notes, this is the
“Some of my best friends are …” approach, and people with disabilities hear it a lot.12 However, as
you are getting to know the person, letting the individual know that you are a caregiver for or closely
related to someone who has a disability can let him or her know you have some understanding.
Similarly, when speaking with older adults, never use a baby voice. I have worked in nursing
facilities, and more than once I’ve heard staff speak to older residents as they would to a 3-year-old,
including tone (high-pitched), language (“we” instead of “you” as in “How are we today?”), and
volume (loud). This tendency probably comes from the assumption that all older people are
cognitively impaired and hard of hearing. A similar assumption is often made about people who have
disabilities. With elders and people who have disabilities, it is best to assume the individual has no
cognitive impairment, and then if you find out otherwise, adjust what you are saying to facilitate the
communication.
Also, be careful how you interpret others’ body language, and think about what you communicate
with your own. Some gestures commonly used by Americans are considered obscene in other cultures
(e.g., the OK sign in Brazil and the thumbs up gesture in parts of the Middle East). People who have
disabilities may use body movements and gestures to communicate in unique ways depending upon
their disability. Among the Yupi’it, raising one’s eyebrows is a nonverbal way of saying “yes,”
which can lead to misunderstanding when the Yup’ik person answers “yes” with raised eyebrows to a
non-Native person who does not know the gesture’s meaning. Also, among Asian people, nodding and
saying yes may simply mean “I am listening,” not “I agree.”
In summary, although you may not always know what someone else considers respectful,
combining the preceding information with a respectful attitude will give you many more hypotheses,
increasing the likelihood that you will figure it out.

Table 6.1 Eight Dos and Don’ts of Respectful Communication

1. Do learn how to pronounce and spell a person’s name.

Don’t shorten or anglicize a person’s name unless the individual suggests it (e.g., Don’t
call Mohammed “Mo”).
2. Do adapt your pace of speech to fit the other person’s comfort.
Don’t interrupt a person who pauses before speaking.
3. Do use more subtle (indirect) communication with people who value harmony over
directness.
Don’t assume that if the other person expresses no preference, it is because the person
doesn’t have one.
4. Do try placing a higher priority on the relationship than on your personal wants.
Don’t assume that asserting your position or preference will facilitate the relationship.
5. Don’t touch the assistive devices or service animals belonging to a person with a disability
without the person’s permission.
Do adapt your physical space/distance to fit the other person’s comfort.
6. Don’t give steady direct eye contact to someone who appears uncomfortable with it.
Do consider lesser eye contact as a possible sign of respect.
7. Don’t assume a person’s dress means what you think it means.
Do recognize how others may interpret your dress.
8. Don’t talk loudly to an older adult or to a person with a disability unless you know the
 person is hard of hearing.
Do assume that the older adult or person with a disability does not have any cognitive
impairments unless you find out otherwise.

EXERCISE 6.2
Practicing the Eight Dos and Don’ts
Pick one of the Eight Dos and Don’ts that is new to you and try practicing it for a week.

1Yupi’it is the noun meaning “the people,” whereas Yup’iq, Yup’ik, or Yupiaq is the adjective form, and also signifies the language.
2Kawagley, O. (1995). A Yupiaq worldview: A pathway to ecology and spirit. Prospect Heights, IL: Waveland Press.
3Matheson, L. (1986). If you are not an Indian, how do you treat an Indian? In H. P. Lefley & P. Pedersen (Eds.),Cross-cultural
training for mental health professionals (pp. 115–130). Springfield, IL: Charles C Thomas.
4Laurie Bertsche, personal communication, October 9, 2011.
5Film based on Sherman Alexie’s (1993) book The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven.
6Hill,
M. (2009). I didn’t always wear a tuxedo. In D. Savage & T. Miller (Eds.),It gets better: Coming out, overcoming bullying,
and creating a life worth living (pp. 201–206). New York: Dutton.
7Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network. Sexual assault statistics. Retrieved from www.rainn.org/stats-test
8Berry,J. W., Poortinga, Y. H., Segall, M. H., & Dasen, P. R. (1992). Cross-cultural psychology: Research and ap plications. New
York: Cambridge University Press.
9Griffin-Pierce, T.
(1997). When I am lonely the mountains call me: The impact of sacred geography on Navajo psychological well-being.
American Indian and Alaskan Native Mental Health Research, 7, 1–10.
10A pun on radar, meaning an ability to know who is gay.
11Prince, S. (2010, November 30). What’s in your knapsack [Web message]? Retrieved from blog
http://therapeuticjustice.blogspot.com/2010/11/whatsin-your-knapsack.html
12Olkin, R. (1999). What psychotherapists should know about disability. New York: Guilford Press.
 7

Say What? Why Words Matter

The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think,
and thereby to create the events in your life.

—Don Miguel Ruiz,

The Four Agreements

once saw a U.S. newspaper report on the Chilean presidential election of Michelle Bachelet in

I which the reporter wrote: “Bachelet, 54, will be only the third woman directly elected president
of a Latin American country.”1 When I read this, what immediately popped in my head was
“only the third woman! The United States has not had even one.” Describing Batchelet as “only the
third woman president” subtly suggests that Latin American countries are behind the United States
(where this newspaper is being read).
I have seen the same comment made in U.S. papers with regard to other countries that have had
women presidents. In fact, more than 50 women have been elected presidents or prime ministers of
countries that many Americans assume have fewer women’s rights than the United States (e.g.,
Nicaragua, Panamá, Bangladesh, Burundi, the Philippines, Sri Lanka, Dominica, Haiti, Indonesia,
Turkey, and India).
Language subtly influences beliefs and perspectives, often without our awareness. This includes
the terms people use to identify themselves and one another. For example, if you have never heard a
person with a disability refer to a nondisabled person as a TAB, it may not have occurred to you that
you and all other nondisabled people are temporarily able-bodied (assuming you live long enough).
Similarly, consider the different tone of words used to describe people over 65. How do or
would you feel about being called an elder versus an old man, old woman, senior citizen, or elderly?
Many people consider elder to be respectful and differ in their reactions to the other terms. If you
grew up in poverty, how do you feel about being called poor, low class, or working class? If you are
a woman, how do you feel about being called a chick or girl?
Notice I did not ask how, if you grew up in poverty, you would feel about being called trailer
trash, or if you are a woman, how you would feel about being called the B word. Members of both
dominant and minority groups recognize deliberately insulting terms. But the dominant culture
commonly uses terms without awareness that minority groups consider offensive.
If you belong to a dominant group and are unsure about a word, phrase, or question, it might seem
logical to ask yourself “How would I feel if I were a member of the minority group?” However, using
yourself as a gauge will not always yield an accurate answer, because the less you know about a
group, the more difficult it will be to know how a member of that group might feel.
Because you care enough to read this book, I am assuming that you do not intentionally use
language to hurt others. However, you may be unaware of the negative connotations of some terms
and phrases and that they are perceived as microaggressions.
As you read this chapter, please keep the following in mind. The common reaction among
dominant group members to this information is to focus on the variability of minority member views
and insist that not all minority members see it this way. Yes, it is true, not all minority members are
offended by these phrases and terms. However, many are, and if you are a member of the dominant
group, knowing this information will help you to avoid unintentionally hurting someone. If you notice
feelings of defensiveness arise, try to stay open to these alternative perspectives and the possibility
that you might want to change your words and mind. Remember, this is not about your intention when
using these words; rather, it is about the perception and impact of these words on people who differ
from you.

OFFENSIVE PHRASES
Comment: “When I look at you, I don’t see color. We are all the same race—the human race.”
Perceived message: “Your color, race, and ethnicity are unimportant. Any differences between us
(differences in our occupations, educational levels, social status, or income) are unrelated to
color, race, or culture.”
Explanation: In the United States, there is a common belief that success (defined by the dominant
culture as high income and social status) is due to hard work. The implication is that anyone who
does not have a high income or social status is unsuccessful, and the person’s failure is due to
laziness. But income and social status are affected by many factors beyond one’s control, including
cultural influences and identities. The following are profoundly affected by a person’s race, ethnicity,
social class, and in many cases disability, age, religion, nationality, and gender:

Educational opportunities—Approximately 70% of schools are not in compliance with Title IX,
the federal equal education opportunity law. 2 The lower quality of schools attended by many
people of color and people living in poverty decreases the possibilities for college, and these
days it is difficult to earn a middle-class income without a college degree.
Work possibilities—Even with Affirmative Action, White men hold 95% to 97% of high-level
corporate jobs. For every dollar earned by men, women earn 74 cents.3 Unemployment among
Whites in 2011 is 8%, but among African Americans, it is 16%.4 Have you ever noticed how in
the most desirable urban restaurants and stores, the waiters, waitresses, and clerks are thin,
young, good-looking, and have straight white teeth?
Place of residence—A few weeks ago, an Alaska Native woman told me that within the 30
minutes it took her and her husband to drive to an apartment that the landlord had just told her on
the phone was available, the apartment became “unavailable.” Although it is illegal for
landlords to discriminate against members of ethnic and other minority groups, 2008 was the
third year in a row that the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development received more
than 10,000 housing discrimination complaints (and keep in mind that only a small portion of
 violations are ever reported). About 44% of these complaints involved discrimination based on
disability and 35% based on race.5
Health care—You have fewer choices and poorer quality choices if you live in a low-income
neighborhood or rural area, rely on public transportation that does not go everywhere, or use
Medicaid or Medicare, which many doctors do not accept. You are also at greater risk of
exposure to illness-causing toxins and injuries related to dangerous work environments and
neighborhoods.
Food—With the industrialization of food sources and monopolies on distribution, many low-
income inner-city and rural areas do not have access to healthy foods. Food choices in turn
affect health; for example, 16% of American Indian and Alaska Native people (who
disproportionately live in low-income urban and rural areas or on reservations with lesser
access to fresh healthy foods) have diabetes, in contrast to 8% of European Americans.6 In
addition, American Indian and Alaska Native people often receive poorer quality medical care.

Comment: “You are a credit to your race/group.” “You are an exception to your race/group.”
“You are not like other [people with disabilities/gays/old people/immigrants].”
Perceived message: “The people of your group have so many problems, but you are an exception
—you are different, not like the rest of them.”
Explanation: The dominant European American culture generally considers itself superior to other
cultures and countries. There is also an unspoken hierarchy within the United States in which White,
heterosexual, middle- and upper-class, nondisabled, secular and Christian Americans are at the top.

Every culture has its strengths and weaknesses, but the dominant culture perceives minority
groups through a negative lens that focuses on the negatives and dismisses or overlooks the strengths.
But minority cultures have made enormous contributions to the dominant culture in the form of healing
practices, inventions, art, survival knowledge, and so on. In addition to ethnic cultures’ contributions
and strengths, other minority groups have also contributed positively to the dominant culture in ways
that go unrecognized. For example, in her humorous book How the Homosexuals Saved Civilization,
author Cathy Crimmins7 describes the contributions of gay male culture to modern American music,
theater, film, fashion, men’s health and body image, and attitudes regarding human sexuality.
Citing research by Gary Gates of the Urban Institute in Washington and Richard Florida of
Carnegie Mellon University, Crimmins explains that gay men are risk takers and thus more likely to
move into and improve areas with high crime rates, older homes, and rising property values. Cities
that have a large gay population are known for their technology and creativity (the top-five, high-tech
cities are San Francisco; Washington, DC; Boston; Atlanta; and San Diego). Workplace policies that
benefit domestic partners and gay couples, along with the attitudes and environment created by gay-
friendly communities, also attract college graduates looking for diverse and tolerant neighborhoods.
Comment: “We need to address the plight of those poor [Haitians, inner-city Blacks,
Appalachians, etc.].”
Perceived message: “We, who are better off, know what you need.”
Explanation: This is a variation of the negative focus on minority groups but one that is difficult to
recognize because it takes the form of concern about an individual or group. I am not talking about a
caring attitude and behavior toward people who have fewer material resources; of course, it is good
to be kind and generous. But the terms plight and poor used in this way suggest that the speaker
believes he or she is better than those the speaker intends to help. Being better off financially is subtly
generalized to being better in all ways—intelligence, responsibility, success, respectability, and so
on. People of color may be seen as less competent, people with disabilities as deficient, African
American men as criminal, Muslims as dangerous, elders as pitiable, and gay, lesbian, and
transgender individuals as abnormal.
Comment: “Asians are good at math.” (Variation: Blacks are naturally athletic.)
Perceived message: “You are all alike.”
Explanation: To a non-Asian person, this may sound like a compliment. But if you happen to be an
Asian person who is not good at math, where does this comment leave you? Even a positive
stereotype is still a stereotype. The similar statement regarding African Americans involves a
stereotype based in the assumption that physical ability is the only ability African Americans have.
The problem with stereotypes is that they lock people into expectations that then shape others’
attitudes and behaviors.

Stereotypes are especially hard to counter if you have limited experience with a particular group.
If you only know one member of the group and that member fits the stereotypical behavior, then that
one example reinforces your stereotype. On the other hand, if you have ongoing, in-depth experience
with a group, before long you will recognize the within-group diversity and the stereotype will no
longer seem valid.
Cross-cultural research has found that when you look at almost any group, there is as much
diversity within a group as between groups. Take the example of skin color and racial identity. There
are light-skinned African Americans who identify as Black although their skin color is lighter than
that of some darker skinned people who identify as White.
When stereotypes are reinforced by a privileged perspective, huge distortions and inconsistencies
occur without the dominant group’s awareness. For example, the number of Muslims involved in
terrorist activities is minuscule compared to the number of peaceful Muslims worldwide. However,
because this minuscule number receives so much media attention through the dominant cultural lens
and peaceful Muslims receive almost none, the link has been made in many Westerners’ minds that
Muslims are terrorists and Islam is a violent religion.
But I have never heard anyone suggest that because the Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh
and the White supremacists of northern Idaho were Christian that all Christians are terrorists and
Christianity is a violent religion. Because most White Americans have Christian roots, they know
many Christian examples that counter any generalization about Christians as terrorists before it
becomes a stereotype. However, most non-Muslim Americans do not have a close relationship with
even one Muslim person.
Earlier I mentioned that stereotypes can exist in the absence of any facts or they can develop from
an exaggeration of facts. Returning to the statement regarding Asian people, one of the explanations I
have heard for the origin of this belief is that U.S. immigration policies regarding Asians (e.g., from
China, Japan, the Philippines) and South Asians (e.g., India and Pakistan) favor people who have
higher education and the income to resettle in the United States without public assistance. Rather than
make a blanket statement about Asians, a more accurate, nonstereotyping statement would be
something specific such as “East Indians living in the United States have a higher percentage of
college graduates and doctoral degrees than the general U.S. population.”
In sum, whether or not there is any basis to a stereotype, both positive and negative ones work
against the formation of relationships because no one wants to be seen or treated as a generalization.

Additional Phrases
Statement: “I don’t have a culture.” “I wish I had a culture like you do.”
Perceived message: “Your minority culture is such a wonderful thing. It must make you feel
special. I don’t see why you complain or object.” This statement suggests that the speaker is so
immersed in the dominant culture that the person cannot see the disadvantages of minority status.
Statement: (To a person of color or someone who speaks English as a second language) “Where are
you from?” “Where were you born?”
Perceived message: “You can’t be American because your skin is not white enough, you have an
accent, you wear the wrong clothes …”
Statement: (From member of a dominant group to member of a minority group) “I know what you
have been through because I …”
Perceived message: “I have experienced oppression that is as hurtful as yours, but I don’t
complain.”
Statement: (To a biracial person) “What are you?”
Perceived message: “I need to know your exact race/ethnicity so that I know how I should or
should not behave with you and what I can and cannot say to you.”

OFFENSIVE WORDS

You people, those people, them, we—Depending on the context, these terms can connote an us
vs. them attitude
(Illegal) alien—implies a person is so foreign as to be from a different planet; a better term is
undocumented
Oriental—used by colonial powers when describing Asia and the Arab world in stereotypical
ways; better terms are Asian, Arab, or the specific culture/country (e.g., Chinese, Korean,
Moroccan, Egyptian)
Crippled—implies incapable, pathetic, helpless
Invalid—a combination of the words in and valid meaning having no validity
Deaf and dumb, brain damaged, confined to a wheelchair, wheelchair bound, the mentally ill
—pejorative terms that define a person by disability; prefer person first language—for example,
“he uses a wheelchair,” “person living with a psychiatric condition,” “disability community,”
“person with a disability” (although some individuals with disabilities use the phrase disabled
person)8
 Primitive/Third World/underdeveloped/peasants—implies less intelligent, slow, less
advanced, ignorant (For example, the art of people in poorer countries is often called primitive
or folk art/music, whereas richer countries describe theirs as high and classical.)
Indian giver—suggests that Native people cannot be trusted because they will take away what
they have given you; ironic, given the fact that treaties were primarily violated by Whites
Non-White—suggests White is the standard by which everything else is measured; lumps
together everyone who is not seen as White
Mulatto—refers to a person of biracial heritage and comes from the word mule, which is the
sterile offspring of a horse and a donkey
Redskins and other slang for Indian people—used in sports (Consider that you would never
call a team Blackskins.)
Black used as a synonym for bad, sick, or evil—black market, Black Monday, black sheep,
black humor, blackballed

MEANINGS OF ETHNIC AND RACIAL IDENTIFICATIONS

The term African American refers to a culture, and usually Black (capitalized) does too. However,
sometimes the word Black has a negative connotation—for example, when it is used in a way that
identifies someone by focusing solely on the person’s skin color, as in “the Black man in the group.”
Contrast this with “the African American man in the group,” which is more suggestive of the person’s
culture than physical appearance. But not all people of African heritage consider themselves African
American. People who were born in another country commonly identify themselves by a specific
national or geographical origin (e.g., Kenyan, Haitian, Brazilian, Jamaican).
In urban and more northern areas of the United States, many Spanish-speaking people identify as
Latino (men) or Latina (women). However, some Spanish-speaking people do not like this term. As
a young man from rural Texas once told me, “Latino makes me sound like I’m in a gang.” He
preferred the term Hispanic. However, Hispanic is disliked by some people because it was invented
by the U.S. Census Bureau to lump together people presumed to be of Spanish origin whether they are
or not (Central American Indians, Mexican Americans, Cuban Americans, Puerto Ricans,
Dominicans, and South Americans of African and Spanish heritage, including Brazilians who speak
Portuguese, not Spanish). In New Mexico, many of the descendents of the Spanish colonizers of the
U.S. Southwest identify themselves as Spanish. And in California, there are people who prefer to
identify as Chicano (man) or Chicana (woman). Many Spanish-speaking people with recent
immigration histories prefer to be identified by their country of origin (e.g., Chilean, Peruvian, etc.).
The terms Native, Indigenous, and Aboriginal all refer to people who originally inhabited any
area (i.e., Aboriginal used as an adjective does not apply only to Australia). In Australia, the term
Aborigine is considered offensive, Aboriginal Australians is acceptable, and the best is to use the
specific culture or clan name. In the continental United States, Indigenous people frequently refer to
themselves as American Indian, whereas Indigenous people of Hawaii refer to themselves as Native
Hawaiians, and in Alaska as Alaska Native (not Native Alaskan) or by specific culture. Alaska
Native cultures include groups that are Indian (e.g., Athabascan, Tlingit, Haida, Tsimshian) and those
that are not Indian (e.g., Yup’ik, Iñupiaq, Cu’pik, Siberian Yup’ik, Aleut/Unangan, and
Alutiiq/Sugpiaq). In Canada, some Indigenous Canadians use the termFirst Nations, and some do not
because it may be interpreted as leaving out the Métis of mixed Aboriginal and European heritage and
the Iñuit of Arctic Canada.

Reclaimed Words: Identifying Oneself

Okay, before you decide you will never speak again, I’m going to share with you one more point
about language. There are some words that in-group members use among themselves that outsiders
consider offensive and that in-group members would be offended by if outsiders used them.
For example, although the words queer, butch, and dyke used to be considered slurs by
heterosexual and gay communities, in recent years, sexual minorities have reclaimed these words and
now use them as self-identifications in a positive way. However, as a general rule, it is not okay for
straight people to use these terms, although it is acceptable for heterosexuals to use the acronym
LGBT and LGBTQ (which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer). Similarly, some
people with disabilities use the term crip or cripple to refer to themselves, but it is not okay for
people who do not have disabilities to use it. This idea of reclaiming an offensive word is considered
a form of empowerment by group members.
Having the right to identify oneself is an important form of empowerment for members of minority
groups whose identities have historically been defined by the dominant culture. Sometimes self-
identification results in new identities. For example, a growing number of people now identify as
biracial rather than as one sole racial or ethnic group.
The term biracial is not offensive, but it is offensive to insist that a person identify according to
someone else’s expectations. As C. B. Williams9 explains:

I … have had to respond to accusations—by both Blacks and Whites—of being an impostor
regarding the impact of racism in my life. I have been queried about my racial identity (or,
erroneously, my “nationality”). People, mostly White, have wondered why I do not choose to
“pass” as White. Other people, mostly Black, have demanded to know why I say I am biracial
instead of “just admitting” I am Black. I have been scrutinized and found to be “not Black
enough” by some, whereas others have deemed me “too into racial issues.” People have given
me advice on how I should talk, think, act, and feel about myself racially.

Williams explains that the idea that a person can self-identify counters the assumption that the
dominant culture can define identity for everyone. This assumption dates back to the early 1900s,
when “Black blood” was believed to pollute “White blood,” and laws were passed stating that one
great-grandparent of African heritage defined a person as “Negro.”10
The dominant culture continues to define minority groups’ identities according to dominant
cultural norms. For example, a blonde, light-skinned woman who self-identifies as Latina may be
called White by those who do not know her ethnic heritage and self-identification. On the other hand,
a dark-haired, Spanish-speaking woman from Argentina may self-identify as White but be called
Latina by dominant-culture members. People who live with invisible disabilities may be described
by nondisabled people as “not truly disabled.” In all these cases, identifications imposed by someone
else denies the individual his or her experience and reality.
 In summary, if the information in this chapter is new to you, you may be feeling a bit overwhelmed
by now. It may seem like no matter what you say, you will offend someone. So here are four basic
rules to use as a guide:

1. Do not assume an identity for someone else. Listen for how the person self-identifies.
2. Do not rely on people or media of your culture to tell you how someone of another culture
identifies.
3. Recognize that language regarding identity is continuously changing, so the appropriate terms
and phrases may change.
4. Look for insider information (e.g., newsletters, websites, radio, TV programs, films) that is
produced by minority group members to educate yourself about appropriate terms.

EXERCISE 7.1
Developing a New Perspective

1. Find a print or online newspaper that originates in another country or minority culture. If
English is your only language, look for an English version of another country’s newspaper.
As you read the articles, notice differences in the content (e.g., stories you do not see in the
mainstream U.S. news) and in the perspective toward information about the United States.
Or:
2. Read a book written by a person who belongs to a minority culture with whom you have
little experience. For example, if you are Christian, read a book by a Muslim. If you have
never had a disability, read a book by a person who has. If you have no friends who
identify as transgender, read a book by someone who is transgender. An alternative is
watching a movie, but good luck finding a movie in which the director, actors, and
screenplay writer belong to the culture or group being portrayed.

1Gallardo, E. (2006, January 16). Batchelet next Chilean president. Peninsula Clarion, p. A-7.
2National Organization of Women. (2011). Retrieved from www.now.org/issues/affirm/talking.html
3Ibid.

4U.S.
Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2001). Table A-2. Employment status of the civilian population by race, sex, and age. Retrieved from
www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.t02.htm
5Department of Housing and Urban Development. (2008). FAIR HOUSING—PART 2: Interesting statistics(2008 Annual Report).
Retrieved from http://petriestocking.com/blog/2009/07/10/fair-housing-part-2-interesting-statistics-from-huds-2008-annual-report/
6National Diabetes Information Clearinghouse. Fast facts on diabetes. Retrieved from http://diabetes.niddk.nih.gov/dm/pubs/statistics
7Crimmins, C.
(2004). How the homosexuals saved civilization. New York: Penguin.
8Mona, L. R., Romessner-Scehnet, J. M., Cameron, R. P., & Cardenas, V. (2006). Cognitive-Behavior therapy and people with
disabilities. In P. A. Hays & G. Y. Iwamasa (Eds.), Culturally responsive cognitive-behavioral therapy: Assessment, practice, and
supervision (pp. 199–222). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
9Williams,
C. B. (1999). Claiming a biracial identity: Resisting social constructions of race and culture. Journal of Counseling &
Development, 77, 32–35.
10Spickard,
P. R. (1992). The illogic of American racial categories. In M. P. P. Root (Ed.),Racially mixed people in America (pp. 12–
23). Newberry Park, CA: Sage.
 8

Making the Connection

The Four Relationship Vitals

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

—Mahatma Gandhi

uring a gathering of coworkers concerned with the war in the Middle East, we were asked

D to share our thoughts in a talking circle format. I had been working with these individuals for
2 years, and there was one woman whom I found irritating, as I perceived her to be arrogant
and insensitive. My coworkers knew that I was at that time married to an Arab Muslim man
whom I had met 10 years earlier while living in France. As I began telling them how overwhelmed he
and I were feeling with anti-Arab, anti-Muslim news and comments from strangers and nonstrangers, I
began to cry. I went to the bathroom to pull myself together and then returned to the group, which was
continuing. No one responded to what I had said until later during the break, when the woman came
over to me as I was making a cup of tea. She moved close to me and said, “You know, Pam, you
probably don’t know this about me because I don’t tell many people. I am Arab American.” I stopped
dunking my tea bag and turned toward her. With warmth in her voice, she said, “I know how you and
your husband are feeling.”
Based on her looks and surname, it had never occurred to me that this woman, whom I had known
professionally for 2 years, was Arab American. With her words, something in me melted. I
immediately felt an opening toward her that allowed me to see her as a whole human being—a
woman who was passionate about her work despite her own pain. I felt grateful to her for reaching
out to share with me this information that increased her vulnerability. Although her behaviors did not
change (she was still direct, task focused, and brusque), I subsequently felt an openness toward her
that increased my feeling of appreciation of and connection to her.
The day-to-day work of initiating, building, and maintaining relationships is not easy, especially
when cultural divides are being crossed. At least four qualities are essential, and I call these the
relationship vitals. The first relationship vital is courage.

COURAGE
After joining the Army and training as an Arabic interpreter, Stephen became more aware of his
same-sex attraction. Honesty, integrity, and courage were values the Army emphasized, and as his
awareness grew, he felt increasingly conflicted. His fellow soldiers accepted him, and his supervisor
gave him a glowing evaluation, but he began feeling as though he was living a lie. He submitted his
resignation to his supervisor, and the supervisor turned it down, saying he did not want to lose
another good interpreter to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Apparently under pressure, the supervisor later
reversed his decision, and Stephen was discharged. Fast forward to today; Stephen is now studying at
a multi-cultural university toward the goal of becoming a professor and increasing Americans’
understanding of the Middle East.
The most helpful idea I have found regarding courage is a definition: “Courage is fear that has
said its prayers.” In other words, if you are not afraid, it isn’t courage. Stephen served in Iraq and
risked his life out of the conviction that he was doing the right thing. He felt fear in his job as an
interpreter in a physically dangerous place and then in relation to his work and future. But he kept
moving forward. He kept thinking, questioning, and searching for answers, a process that takes
courage.
Whether you belong to a minority group, a dominant group, or both, relationship pain will occur.
When cultural differences are present, the pain is amplified. To weather the mistakes, hurt feelings,
and anger, it helps to focus on where and who you want to be, then go ahead and take the steps to get
there even when you are quaking in your boots. In short, keep trying.

Consider this: When was the last time you reached out to someone different from you when it would
have been easier not to?

HUMILITY, QUESTIONING MIND, AND COMPASSION

In studying the world’s major religions, including Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism,
Confucianism, Taoism, Hinduism, and Indigenous spiritualities, the scholar Huston Smith asked the
question, “What makes a person wise?” He found that all these religions agree on the importance of
humility, a questioning mind, and compassion.1 I consider these the remaining relationship vitals.
Humility opens us toward others. Questioning (especially our own assumptions) increases our ability
to be accepting rather than judgmental, and relationships flourish when people feel accepted and not
judged. Compassion is powerful because compassionate behavior facilitates connection.

Humility
I once worked with a staff of individuals who provided care at a nonprofit organization for
people who were homeless and living with alcoholism, drug addiction, and psychiatric conditions.
During a workshop, the staff shared their stories, including a young Native Hawaiian father of 10 who
talked about his hurt feelings every time someone asked him, “Are they all yours?” If he explained
that the kids were from a combination of his and his former wife’s first marriages, along with two
teens he took in off the street, inquisitors appeared interested and respectful. But when he simply said
“Yes, they’re all mine,” he could feel the negative judgments of him.
Another quiet, middle-aged staff member talked about her pain growing up as the child of a White
father and Iñupiaq mother. When she was in her mother’s village, the Native kids teased her cruelly
about being White, and when she was in the city, the White kids excluded her because she was
Native. She worked with people who were homeless because at one point in her life, she had been
homeless and alcoholic. She talked about her frustration with physicians who refused to provide full
care to the clients she brought to them because the physicians thought it was pointless. She guessed
that they were thinking, “Why help people who won’t help themselves?”
As a group, the team shared their challenges in helping people who had often lost hope. As I
listened to them talk about their clients with genuine affection and concern, I felt humbled by the
respect they had for their clients. This team was doing social justice work in a very personal way,
helping people build a better life one small step at a time.
Humility is one of the most essential qualities for working across cultures, and conveniently,
cross-cultural work provides an unending number of humbling opportunities. The word humility is
related to the word humus, or earth, and humbling experiences bring us down to earth, reminding us
of our interconnectedness to one another. The word is also related to the word humor, and in my
experience, people who are down-to-earth often have a good sense of humor, too.

Consider this: When was the last time you felt humbled by a person or experience? (Note that I did
not say humiliated, as this is a completely different experience.)

How does one cultivate humility? I know of two ways. The first involves being around people
who see the world differently than you do, staying open to the possibility that you may learn
something. When we are around people with different worldviews, the rightness of our own beliefs is
inevitably challenged. This is especially true when surrounded by a majority group that has more
power.
The second way to cultivate humility is to continually question what we know and how we know
it. I call this the questioning mind.

Questioning Mind
A questioning mind begins with curiosity, which creates an opening. This opening is further
expanded by critical thinking. As Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “One’s mind, once stretched by
a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.”
Educator Stephen Brookfield describes critical thinking as a process that goes beyond black and
white, either/or answers, and involves at least three steps: (1) identifying and challenging
assumptions, our own as well as others’, (2) examining cultural and other influences, and (3)
imagining and considering diverse possibilities.
The first step of recognizing assumptions is always easier when we are talking about other
people’s assumptions. The difficulty lies in recognizing our own. If we live and work closely with a
large number of people who are different from us, the contrast between our beliefs and the majority
draws attention to the differences. This is why people in the minority tend to be more aware of the
dominant group’s views and preferences than vice versa.
To give a simple example, there is a saying in the United States, “The squeaky wheel gets the
grease,” which is generally taken to mean that if a person speaks up enough about something, he will
get what he wants. In contrast, there is an equally common saying in Japan, “The nail that sticks out
gets hammered down,” which suggests the exact opposite. These sayings reflect values, which are
then manifested in behaviors that are reinforced in each culture. In work settings, these behaviors can
play out in meetings where White men will speak up and talk a lot more than Japanese participants,
particularly Japanese women. This is not denying that there are outspoken Japanese women or
reserved White men; however, these patterns are common because they reflect cultural expectations
and norms.
Another way to notice an assumption is if you are surprised by something, because if you are
surprised, you must have expected something else. Remember the aha! experience. I am reminded of
a story told by a young White man, Brett, who was working in a social services program with African
American and African immigrant children and families. Brett said that one day his coworker, Leo,
came to the office dressed in new jeans, a button-down shirt, and nice shoes. Leo was a big, strong,
dark-skinned African American man who usually wore old jeans, a T-shirt, and gym shoes. Brett
asked Leo, “Are you going to a job interview or something?” to which Leo said, “No, I was at a track
meet.” Not understanding Leo’s response, Brett finally said to Leo, “I don’t get it—why do you dress
up for a track meet?” Leo said, “Because, if I don’t, people might think I’m a gang member.” Brett
suddenly realized that Leo had to think about people’s negative assumptions about him every single
day, something Brett had the privilege of not having to think about in this way.

EXERCISE 8.1
Questioning Mind
Think of a person, controversial topic (e.g., gay marriage), event (e.g., building a mosque at the
World Trade Center), or issue (e.g., immigration reform) that includes culture, different views,
and negative feelings. Ask yourself these questions:
What are the influences on me that have led to my view of this person/situation/event/issue?
a. For example, how have my age, gender, social class, ethnicity, disability status, religious or
secular upbringing shaped my beliefs and behaviors?
How do I know that my belief, perspective, or behavior is true, accurate, or the best? Does
b. the information I use to validate my views come from people and sources who are similar to
me?
c. Are there alternative views that could be valid, healthy, or positive?
If I put myself in this other person’s shoes, can I understand how he or she came to see the
d.
situation in this way, even if I disagree with his or her view?

Compassion
We often think of compassion as a feeling—either you have it or you don’t. But compassion
involves thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. Moreover, it can be cultivated, and it works to facilitate
relationships even when someone does something hurtful or wrong. The following strategies will help
you to grow your compassion, even toward people you do not like.
Strategy 1: Common Interest
When you want to feel and act more compassionately toward someone, a first step is to look for
something positive that you have in common—a shared interest, activity, or relationship. It is
important that this commonality be positive because although focusing on what you both dislike or
look down on may create a sense of connection, it will also build negative feelings. Focusing on a
positive interest builds a positive connection.
For example, I once worked with a White man who I considered incompetent in his job. The more
time I spent around him, the more irritated I became by the fact that he appeared to be bluffing his way
through his work. We were part of a team, so I did not have any authority over him. I decided to look
for a common interest and began asking him a few questions, listening until I learned of his love for
wildlife, an interest that I shared.
After that, whenever I saw a moose on the way to work (living in Alaska), I told him about it.
When I spotted a hawk that was rare in our area, I described it to him, and we talked about our bear
sightings. Although I cannot remember what he said in return, I do remember the warm feeling we
shared whenever we talked about animals and the outdoors. (Someone once said that long after we
forget what people say to us, we remember how they made us feel.) After 2 or 3 weeks, my
judgmentalism regarding his “incompetence” shifted to a more compassionate view of him as
woefully unprepared for his job and striving to maintain his dignity by acting as if he knew.

Strategy 2: Recognize Suffering

The more we know about a person, the easier it is to understand why the person does what he or
she does. This second strategy starts with gentle questioning that comes from a place of genuine
interest in the other person’s experience. Simply asking a person about himself or herself in a
nonjudgmental way and listening carefully can create a positive connection.
If it is too difficult to keep the irritation out of your voice, another way is to learn from other
sources. Of course, you do not want to ask questions in situations where it might be perceived as
gossip. But if you observe a person and listen to the person’s responses to others, you can gain a lot
of information about that individual. Here are some examples of the kinds of questions you might ask
yourself:

People often repeat behaviors they have grown up with. Could this highly critical person have
had a critical, harsh parent? How could these early experiences have created pain for her as a
child and now as an adult? Does she appear to be happy with herself?
People who are negative elicit negative responses from others. Do other people dislike the
person? Does he have a life beyond work—friends, family, people who care about him? Does
he feel loved?
What are her goals in life? Does she feel like a success? Do others see her as competent and
successful? Is she aware of this?

Considering cultural influences on a person can give added information about how he may see the
world and himself, and how he is perceived by others. Consider these questions too:
 What was the person’s childhood environment? Did he grow up in a culture and time when
attitudes and expectations were different regarding work, roles, and relationships? Did he grow
up in a religious household that shaped his views?
Is the person a member of a minority group by race, ethnicity, nationality, age, disability, or
sexual orientation? Is the person in the minority in your organization and how could this be
difficult for her? Has she experienced verbal or nonverbal microaggressions (e.g., “She got the
job because she’s a minority”) that contribute to her defensiveness?
Could the person have grown up in poverty or be struggling financially to support extended
family members? If she grew up poor, could she feel like she doesn’t belong in middle-class or
professional circles?
Immigrants who were successful in their home countries often take jobs considered beneath their
previous socioeconomic status. Might the person feel frustrated by high expectations of himself
that he is unable to fulfill in his new country?

These kinds of questions represent what is meant by the “questioning mind.” They are generally
not questions you will ask anyone directly. Rather, they are questions that will help you to keep your
mind and heart open to the possibility that this person is a human being who wants to be appreciated,
loved, and successful too.

EXERCISE 8.2
Looking for Suffering
Think of someone you feel irritated by or who you dislike. Sit quietly for 5 minutes and use the
questions above to think about the ways in which this person has suffered and continues to suffer.
If you do not know the person well enough to know this information, you can infer suffering if it
helps you feel more compassionate. For example, if you work with a grouchy, middle-aged
woman who is overweight, you might infer that she struggles with her weight, that she has health
problems related to her weight, and that her feelings are often hurt by people treating her badly.

Strategy 3: The Humor Approach

Sometimes humor can help, even if it is simply a humorous thought we keep to ourselves. This is
not the kind of humor that puts someone down but, rather, the kind that helps us be more accepting of
and open to the other person.
Laura worked as a nurse in a busy clinic, and an older male doctor was consistently cold toward
her. She said that he would come over to the station where she was sitting, stand over her, and note
aloud her “stupid mistakes” (his words) in front of other people. She considered different
approaches, including talking to him assertively about his behavior, but this was too scary for her.
She did not know enough about him to find a common interest and was too intimidated to ask him
anything.
Laura tried the looking for suffering strategy but could not learn enough information to know what
caused him pain. So she guessed that he might be deeply unhappy because he was overworked,
perhaps he had a family to support, maybe he had a teenager who was in trouble with the law, and a
wife who was angry at him. Such hypothesizing helped Laura a little, but what really made the shift
was when she hypothesized that the reason she never saw him sitting down was because he had
hemorrhoids. Initially, when she thought of this, she laughed out loud, and the more she thought about
it, the lighter she felt around him. After that, whenever he said something hurtful to her, she told
herself, “I bet his hemorrhoids are acting up again,” and created a little feeling of compassion for him
inside herself.

Strategy 4: The Reframe

The three preceding strategies are aimed at creating an internal shift that changes your view of the
person. But when none of these work, a fourth strategy can help you create a different kind of shift.
The reframe strategy draws from the Buddhist principle of viewing obstacles as opportunities for
growth. With this strategy, you bring compassionate, gentle questioning to your behaviors and
emotional responses, increasing your own learning and growth. Here are the kinds of questions that
facilitate this approach:

What can I learn about myself from this situation and from my reactions to this person?
Is there anything I do or say, including the way I say it, that elicits defensiveness from the other
person?
How am I perceived by this other person, whether true or not? Do other people perceive me
similarly?

Table 8.1 Compassion-Building Strategies

1. Common interest
2. Looking for suffering
3. The humor approach
4. The reframe

EXERCISE 8.3
Building Compassion
Think of someone you consider different from you and toward whom you feel irritation, anger, or
hostility. To increase your feeling of compassion toward the person, try the first strategy of
common interest. If it doesn’t work, try the looking for suffering strategy. If that doesn’t work, try
 the humor approach, and if none of these help, use the reframe.

1Smith,H. (1991). The world’s religions. New York: HarperCollins. (Note: these are my adaptations of his terms: humility, veracity,
and charity.)
 9

Keeping the Connection, Even When the Signal Is

Faulty

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice
compassion.

—The Dalai Lama

y favorite definition of happiness is by the Dalai Lama, the Tibetan spiritual leader of

M Buddhists around the world. He says that human beings are happiest when we feel
understood by and connected to one another. In contrast to Western views of the
individual and group as opposites (me vs. we), the Tibetan word for I/me (nga) is simply
a shorter version of the word for us/we (ngatso).1 Tibetans and Buddhists recognize that personal
happiness is inextricably linked to the happiness of others.
Similarly, the Iñupiat of northern Alaska use the word ahregah to describe individual wellness
that is intimately tied to community well-being. Ahregah consists of a personal quietness and peace
that, when shared with others, is reflected back, creating a reciprocal relationship that harmoniously
sustains both the individual and community. Ahregah can be lost by one’s individual actions (e.g.,
gossiping, arguing, self-pity), by others’ actions, and by events beyond anyone’s control (poor
weather conditions, a lack of animals or fish that affects survival, poor physical health, death of a
loved one, unavoidable relocation).2
The well-known psychologist Alfred Adler also believed that most of our ills are due to
disconnection from one another. A hallmark of his therapeutic approach was encouraging people to
look for ways to contribute to the well-being of others because helping others helps us feel better. 3
Psychological research validates Adler’s premise and that of the Tibetans, Buddhists, and Iñupiat: the
health of our relationships is integral to our individual well-being.

DEFENSIVENESS AND THE SPIRAL DOWN EFFECT

One of the most common blocks to healthy relationships is defensiveness. Even when two people
want a good relationship, if one becomes defensive, the other usually responds with defensiveness.
This is especially true in cross-cultural interactions, where individuals carry with them experiences
of privilege and oppression. If nothing interrupts the defensive interaction, a spiral down effect leads
to disconnection, permanently damaging or ending the relationship.
To understand defensiveness, it is important to distinguish between defensive emotions and
defensive behaviors. Defensive behaviors can be thought of as originating in defensive emotions. The
emotion of fear naturally occurs in response to a perceived threat, even if the threat is not physical.
The feeling then leads to defensive behaviors of fight (attack), flight, or freeze (withdrawal,
avoidance). If the threat is a real physical threat, then defensive behaviors are self-protective and may
be necessary. However, in most daily interactions, fear is not related to a physical threat, and fight
behaviors are verbal.
Defensive feelings are not in themselves a problem. On the contrary, defensive feelings can be
helpful when they call attention to a problem in the interaction, acting as an alarm buzzer warning you
that you are about to be disconnected from the other person. If you pay attention to the feeling, you can
then take deliberate steps to stay connected.
Defensive behaviors are a problem. Verbal attacks, insults, put-downs, and dismissals are all
types of verbal defense (and in some cases, offense). In addition, one common defensive behavior
that is often not recognized involves repeatedly explaining one’s actions to justify one’s position. I am
not talking about interactions in which people need to explain their perspectives or actions in order to
solve a problem or reach an agreement. I am talking about argumentative interactions in which both
parties have already explained their positions and remain stuck in a negative repetition of the same
positions.
For example, when I work with couples in therapy, it is not uncommon for one partner to
repeatedly describe how the other’s behavior is hurtful. In response, the other partner repeatedly
responds with justifications for that behavior. With every repetition, each person digs in deeper,
moving further away from understanding the other, and increasing the disconnection. But if both
individuals are strongly committed to preserving the relationship, the downward spiral can often be
stopped by a simple validation of the other’s experience. If even one person feels heard and
understood, the other person usually responds similarly, creating a positive feedback loop that
rebuilds the connection.

PREVENTING DISCONNECTION
Sometimes the point you are trying to make is crucial, and it may appear that the only response the
other person can hear is a loud, angry one. For example, I once worked with a single mother on
public assistance who told me that the only way she could get the emergency room to pay immediate
attention to her hurt child was to yell at the front desk person (and her point is well taken). However,
in most situations, even when the topic concerns something very important to you, if negative
emotions escalate, the other person will not hear your point anyway. The most likely way to ensure
that a person understands you is to behave in a way that shows that you want to understand the person.
An African American mental health counselor named Latifah described her experience of the
spiral down effect and how she changed her behavior to prevent disconnection. She was talking with
a school psychologist (a young White woman) when the psychologist disagreed with her diagnosis of
a student, then asked Latifah in a patronizing tone, “Are you licensed?” Latifah said she felt heat
rising in her as she responded defensively that she could ethically and legally do her job without
licensure, adding, “Don’t you know the state code?”
As soon as Latifah heard that the psychologist did not know the state code, Latifah realized that by
her own response, she was doing the same thing the psychologist had started—attacking behavior that
would elicit more of the same. So Latifah took a deep breath and changed her approach. She
explained in a friendly way that state law permits counselors to practice without licensure if they are
employed by a mental health agency that provides weekly supervision and that she was in the process
of obtaining her license. The psychologist’s defensiveness subsided, and they resumed a friendly
interaction.
In cross-cultural relationships, defensive fight, flight, or freeze behaviors are often triggered by
emotional pain, whether that pain is related to the minority member’s experience of oppression or to
the dominant member’s experience of feeling misunderstood. In the case of the psychologist and
Latifah, the psychologist’s attacking question started the spiral down and triggered Latifah’s initial
defensive response. But rather than respond defensively again, Latifah set aside her own pain. She
recognized that her defensive feelings were in reaction to previous experiences of White women
treating her badly and the psychologist’s aggressive question. She chose to respond from a generous
and compassionate place inside herself, repairing the interaction and stopping the spiral down.
This raises another important point. To stop the spiral down, both people have to want a good
connection. One person might want the relationship more than the other, but both have to place at least
some value on it. If one person does not care, the other person’s repair efforts will fall flat and the
interaction will continue to spiral down resulting in disconnection. The psychologist’s willingness to
stop her attacking indicated she too valued the relationship.
In highly committed relationships, individuals tolerate a greater degree of pain to stay connected.
This is why you can say something to your partner that is offensive, but your partner does not end the
relationship. In relationships that have a shorter history, less immediate necessity, or less commitment
(e.g., teacher/student, doctor/patient, counselor/client, seller/customer), the spiral down can lead one
or both to disconnect and walk away.
Like Latifah, most people of minority identities have repeatedly experienced intentional and
unintentional microaggressions from members of the dominant culture. For this reason, people of
minority identities often show greater tolerance of such hurtful behaviors and willingness to stay with
the relationship despite offenses by members of the dominant culture. The greater tolerance by people
of minority identities may also reflect fatigue; in the face of daily microaggressions, it is tiring to
continually be in “fight” mode. In contrast, dominant-culture members are often unaware of the daily
effort it takes to respond and not respond to microaggressions, because they do not perceive the
slights experienced by minority members.
For example, when a nurse casually commented on the “smelly fish” being cooked by a Native
coworker, the nurse had no idea that her comment was hurtful. She had not intended to offend anyone,
but the Native coworker reacted with irritation, which then elicited defensiveness in the nurse. The
nurse complained vehemently to another non-Native nurse that the Native woman was overreacting
and she was tired of “minorities being so defensive all the time.”
The relationship began to spiral down until the two talked. The Native woman explained how
salmon is the lifeblood of her culture. The nurse never fully understood the Native woman’s
explanation, in part because she had no previous experience with Native people. Her privilege
limited her awareness of the many ways in which she and the dominant culture had made offensive
assumptions and comments about Native people. However, both parties wanted a good working
relationship, so the nurse apologized for her comment (despite her lack of understanding) and the
relationship improved.
 FIVE IN-THE-MOMENT STRATEGIES
FOR STAYING CONNECTED Strategy 1: Know your push-buttons.
We all have buttons that can be pushed, and the best way to avoid reacting out of emotion is to
know your buttons in advance. Common push-buttons include politics, religion, race, social class,
sexual orientation, nationality, and anything else having to do with your personal and cultural identity
or that of someone you love. Recognizing a pushbutton does not mean your position is right or wrong;
it simply signals a topic to which you have a strong emotional reaction that could override a
thoughtful response and lead to disconnection.
For example, if you have a strong political position—liberal or conservative—and voted for a
president of the same politics, the question, “Why did you vote for him/her?” by a questioner of
different politics could be a push-button for you. A push-button response would be one that is
dominated by emotion, sucking you into an argument about which candidate or whose politics are
better and distancing you from the questioner. A thoughtful response would be one that explains why
you voted for the candidate without putting down the other person’s choice, even if the person wants
to argue or convince you of the individual’s rightness. If you have a relationship with the questioner
that you want to keep, this thoughtful response is more likely to prevent a defensive spiral down.

Consider this: What are your push-buttons?

Strategy 2: Breathe and pay attention to your body.

Everyone knows the advice to stop and take a deep breath before responding out of anger, fear, or
frustration. This is good advice and paying attention to your body as you take the deep breath
increases the power of this strategy.
The Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh says that when we are hurt or someone hurts us, a knot is
tied inside of us. If we quickly pay attention to the knot, it will usually loosen. But in our day-to-day
busyness, if we choose to ignore the knot and go on with our activities, the longer we ignore the knot,
the tighter it will become.
Think of this knot as the physical response you have when you feel defensive. Where do you
experience the knot? Common places are in one’s chest, shoulders, head, jaw, stomach, and
intestines, and some people feel it in more than one place.
Because the body often experiences things before conscious awareness occurs, it provides cues
(in the form of physical sensations) that something is going wrong in the relationship. You can use
these cues to catch defensive reactions quickly and avoid reacting defensively.
On the next page is an exercise that will help you pay attention to your body’s cues. It is not a
relaxation exercise. You will need to read the whole exercise first before trying it.

Strategy 3: Stop defensive behaviors.

Remember what happens when you are playing tug-of-war? The harder one side pulls, the harder
the other side pulls back. But if one side suddenly lets go, the other side falls down. Defensive
behaviors are similar. If one person stops behaving defensively, the other person usually stops too,
because there is nothing to pull or push against.

EXERCISE 9.1
Paying Attention
Sit in a comfortable position (if you are in a chair, with both feet grounded on the floor), hands
resting in your lap, with posture that allows you to breathe easily. Close your eyes and take three
deep breaths, paying attention to the feeling of the air moving in through your nostrils and the air
moving out through your nostrils.
Now with your eyes closed, think of an interaction in which you felt defensive, hurt, or
irritated by someone. Once you have a clear mental picture of the interaction, pay attention to the
part of your body where you feel tension, discomfort, or pain. Walk your mental awareness
around this area, beginning with the top of the area on the front side of the area. Then move your
mental awareness to the right side of the area, then to the lower front part of the area, then to the
left side, and back up to the top of the area. Now imagine looking three dimensionally from the
front to the back of the area. Notice anything there is to notice. The area may have a different
color, temperature, texture, feeling, or vibration, or there may be nothing different at all.
The point of this exercise is simply to pay attention. When you have thoroughly paid attention
to the body area, return your attention to your breath. Take a deep breath, again noticing the
feeling of the air moving in through your nostrils and the air moving out through your nostrils,
then slowly open your eyes.

What was this exercise like for you?

Did you notice anything different, or not, in the area where you hold pain or tension?
Do you feel any differently than you did before the exercise?

Many people report feeling more relaxed after this exercise, despite knowing that it is not
intended as relaxation. Thich Nhat Hanh says that this is because paying attention to our pain is
transformative in itself. Paying attention causes something to shift in us, a mindful sort of
stepping back from the pain and looking at it, which can help defuse it.
As you practice this exercise, you will find that you can use it in the moment you begin
feeling defensive, even without closing your eyes, to slow down your emotional reaction.

To stop defensive behaviors, you first need to know what yours are. The obvious ones are verbal
insults, put downs, yelling, dismissive comments, ignoring the person, and physically walking away.
Here are some additional ones that are common but not always recognized by the person engaging in
them:

Sighing loudly
Talking louder
 A sarcastic tone
Rolling your eyes
Cool withdrawal (e.g., “Whatever,” said with a sigh, sarcastic tone, or look of disgust)
Repeating your same position over and over
Laying blame
Interrupting
Bringing up the person’s past mistakes or offenses

Consider this: Do you engage in any of these or other defensive behaviors? If you don’t know, ask
your partner, a family member, or close friend.

Self-talk can be an enormous help in stopping defensive behaviors, because what we say to
ourselves affects how we feel and what we do. Self-talk that feeds defensive behaviors sounds like
this: She doesn’t have a clue. This guy is a jerk. He doesn’t care one bit what I think. She only
wants what she wants. He just doesn’t get it. I’ve had it.
If you think and say these kinds of things to yourself as you are involved in a disagreement, you
are more likely to engage in defensive behaviors. However, if you change your thinking to more
compassionate thoughts, you can slow down and stop the defensive behaviors before engaging in
them. This helpful self-talk moves you out of your own self-centered space and into the other person’s
experience. Examples include the following: She seems really hurt/guilty/frustrated about this. He
is feeling angry, and people only get angry about things or people they care about; if they don’t
care, they simply don’t care, so clearly he cares about this. Maybe she had a really hard day—
someone died, her partner left, her kid is sick again, or she is exhausted. Maybe he isn’t feeling
well.

Strategy 4: Validate.
One of the simplest and quickest ways to stop a downward spiraling interaction is to validate the
other person’s feelings and viewpoint. Validation has two parts. The first is repeating back to the
person what the person is saying to you, to communicate you have heard the person and that you
understand how the individual is feeling. Repeating verbatim what the person has said is the simplest
way to do this (e.g., I hear you saying that you feel hurt because I didn’t tell you I would be gone
on Monday or Tuesday). However, sometimes the other person will perceive a simple repetition as
not truly understanding the person. A better approach is to paraphrase using your own words; then ask
the person if that is what he or she said (e.g., It sounds like I hurt your feelings when I didn’t tell
you I wouldn’t be here for two days. Is that what you’re saying? Is that how you are feeling?).
The second part of validation involves acceptance of the person’s viewpoint and feelings.
Acceptance is not the same as agreeing. Acceptance means that you accept that this is how the person
sees the situation and that this is how the person feels. It also means that you accept the individual as
a person, despite your different views and feelings.
One mental strategy to increase acceptance of the person is to think of the problem or obstacle you
are facing as sitting in the physical space between the two of you. That is, the problem is not in either
of you; it is separate from each of you. The visual image is one of you and the person aligned as you
try to fix this problem or conflict together.

Strategy 5: Question your need for matching views.

Buddhists use the term attachment to describe the emotional and behavioral experience of being
stuck in a defensive interaction. When you find yourself feeling stuck, it can be helpful to ask yourself
these questions:

What am I so attached to in this interaction? What would I lose if I let go?

Why is it so important that this person agree with me, affirm my point, or acknowledge my pain?
Which is more important—that the person see it my way or that we keep a good connection?

In the heat of a disagreement or conflict, it can be helpful to acknowledge, at least within yourself,
that you do not truly understand the other person. If you are a member of a privileged group and you
have limited experiences with people of the person’s identity, it is possible that you cannot
understand where the person is coming from until you know more about the person’s culture and
experience. Acknowledging your need for additional experience or information to the other person
can also help to defuse the tension, because it shows that you value the person’s perspective as much
as your own.
For example, sensing defensiveness from a young, gay, recently immigrated Filipino man who
sought help for panic attacks, the European American, heterosexual counselor talked with him about
her limitations. She said she would be happy to work with him, but she had limited experience with
gay men and had not worked with people from the Philippines before. She let him know that if he
preferred to see someone with more experience relevant to his experience, she would understand and
facilitate a referral. In sum, she put his needs above her desire to work with him.
Another strategy to help you let go of the need for matching views is to imagine that the other
person is your favorite aunt (or any older relative you love who has vastly different views from
yours). Try to transfer the way you think about that person to the person in front of you. Along these
lines, I like to think of family holiday gatherings as early training for getting along with diverse
people. Even if your family is ethnically and religiously similar, there are usually political and
generational differences in a family that can lead to major arguments. In healthy families, people learn
to accept one another despite the differences, at least during the holidays.

RESPONDING TO STEREOTYPES
Comments that stereotype invariably elicit defensiveness. If you are the listener, responding to such
comments can be difficult because the response may sound judgmental, which elicits defensiveness
from the stereotyper, fueling a downward spiral. But there are ways to respond that can keep the
connection with the person and at the same time counter the stereotype. Here are a few suggestions.
Keep in mind that nonverbals such as tone of voice and eye movements can either facilitate a positive
response or undermine it.
1. Tactfully point out information that does not support the stereotype.4
Stereotype: Old people are so negative and set in their ways.
Response: If you think about it, many older people have to adjust to changes that are greater
than those of any other age group. For example, an older person may lose everything in the space
of a few months because she breaks a hip or has some other medical problem. She may lose her
home, her car, her cherished dog or cat, her social and religious community, the ability to cook
and eat food she likes, and her independence simply because the medical problem requires that
she move to an assisted living place. (This series of losses has been called a cascade effect.)

2. Indicate when conclusions are based on limited experience.

Stereotype: People with disabilities are so demanding.
Response: People with disabilities have to cope with subtle barriers all day long that people
without disabilities don’t even think about. Have you ever noticed how many public environments
for people with disabilities are segregated? Why don’t all entrances have ramps? Why don’t all
concerts and plays have sign language interpreters? Nondisabled people can walk up a ramp as
easily as stairs. And why don’t all restrooms have stalls that are big enough and sinks, mirrors,
toilets, towel holders, and soap that are usable by anyone? If you have met one or two people with
disabilities who are demanding, chances are you remember them because we tend to remember
when people are upset.

3. Explain that individuals who are more visible may not be typical.
Stereotype: Why do gays have to talk about sex all the time? Response: The people you hear
talking about sex are only the few who are talking about it, and the reason those few are talking
about it is usually to increase people’s awareness of discrimination. Also, there are lots of people
who you don’t even know are gay.

4. Point out alternative explanations for the behavior.

Stereotype: It is so rude how they speak Spanish in front of you, so you don’t understand them.
Response: Most European American people don’t speak Spanish, and if the people you are
talking about don’t speak English fluently, it makes sense they would prefer to speak their first
language. Even if the person speaks English fluently, it takes more effort to speak English as a
second language.

5. Note differences within groups and similarities across groups.

Stereotype: Indians are naturally alcoholic.
Response: Alcohol is not and has never been a Native tradition. There is a huge sobriety
movement in Native cultures. For example, in Alaska, there are many villages (accessible by boat
or plane only) that have outlawed alcohol from being imported, bought, or sold. Alcoholism and
fetal alcohol syndrome are big problems among non-Native people too, especially in northern
regions.

6. Be a cultural interpreter.
Stereotype: Arab people are so pushy; they’re practically in your face when they talk to you.
Response: Different cultures have different norms about body space. Have you ever noticed
how White people vary in their comfort levels with different amounts of body space? Cultures
differ like that too.

EXERCISE 9.2
Keeping the Connection
The five in-the-moment strategies are most effective when used altogether. However, depending on
the level of defensiveness, you may not need all of them. The next time you notice defensiveness in an
interaction with someone, whether it is coming from you or the other person, try each of these
strategies in order until one of them works. If the defensive interaction involves stereotyping, try also
using one of the nondefensive verbal responses to stereotypes.

Strategy 1: Know your push-buttons.

Strategy 2: Breathe and pay attention to your body.

Strategy 3: Stop defensive behaviors.

Strategy 4: Validate.

Strategy 5: Question your need for matching views.

1Dalai Lama, & Cutler, H. C. (2009). The art of happiness in a troubled world. New York: Doubleday.
2Swan-Reimer, C. (1999). Counseling the Inupiat Eskimo. Westport, CT: Greenwood Press.
3Adler, A. (1938/2011). Social interest: A challenge to mankind. Eastford, CT: Martino Fine Books.
4Italics
are mine but numbered suggestions are from Goldstein, S. (2000). Cross-cultural explorations: Activities in culture and
psychology (p. 317). Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
 10

When the Golden Rule Isn’t Working

Respectful Conflict Resolution

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

—Mother Teresa

ost of us grew up learning the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do

M unto you. This works fine when people have the same hopes and desires, but as our lives
become more complex, people’s expectations do too. Sometimes the differences can be
as basic as values.
Because values reflect what people hold most dear, value conflicts can be the most difficult to
resolve. However, there are ways to think about such conflicts that can help. Let’s start with an
exercise designed to get you thinking in this way. To get the most out of this exercise, follow the
instructions carefully, and do not skip ahead.
When I do this exercise with groups, I usually hear groans as people feel forced to narrow in on
what is most important to them. There are always one or two individuals who refuse to specify their
three priority values because it is too difficult. But the point of this exercise is not to force you to give
up important values. Rather, it is to show how prioritization of values works.

EXERCISE 10.11
Recognizing Your Values
Step 1. Read the following list of values and circle your top 10. If you value something that is
not on the list, you can add it next to the “Other” category, but make your total 10. Do not read
any further until you have done this step.

1. Physical health
2. Spirituality/faith
3. Love
 4. Sex
5. Financial success
6. Work success
7. Fame
8. Animals/pets
9. Nature/environment/outdoors
10. Family
11. Friends
12. Integrity
13. Fun/humor and laughter
14. My partner
15. Intellectual stimulation/learning
16. Justice
17. Contributing to others
18. Power
19. Community
20. Mental health
21. Simplicity
22. Safety
23. Creativity/self-expression
24. Freedom
25. Personal independence
26. Courage
27. Balance
28. Kindness
29. Art/music
30. Other __________________

Step 2. Now imagine that you must give up three of these values. Cross out three. You now have
7 values left.
Step 3. Now imagine that you must give up four more. Cross out four. You now have 3 values
left.
 Most people value most of the items on this list. However, through the course of our lives, we
make priorities. Sometimes our priorities are deliberate choices, but often they are the result of
external forces and not consciously made. For example, if you live in a war-torn country, safety and
freedom would be top priorities. However, if you live in a safe community in a stable, democratic
country, you may take safety and freedom for granted and prioritize some other value.
Value priorities also change over time. For example, as individuals age or acquire a disability,
physical health often becomes a higher priority. Priorities change within cultures too. For example, in
the early 1900s, the exclusion of women and people of color from government and the professions
was an accepted norm. But today, most Americans place a high value on equal rights for everyone.
Because values are embedded in everything we do, they play a central but unspoken role in our
work as helping professionals. Many of the values held by educators, social service, and health care
providers are the same ones supported by the dominant culture—for example, personal independence,
verbal abilities, insight, openness to change, and logical thinking. Assertiveness is so highly valued
that workshops are devoted to teaching it as an essential communication skill.
In contrast, the subtle communication skills described earlier (e.g., the use of silence, storytelling
to make a point, nonverbal respect skills) are less supported. Similarly, emotional expressiveness
and self- disclosure are interpreted by providers and educators as a measure of self-confidence. But
many Asian people consider emotional restraint a sign of maturity and self-control. Many Arab and
Orthodox Jewish people would be reluctant to self-disclose personal family information to a stranger
(i.e., in an initial meeting with a provider), because protecting the family’s reputation is given greater
importance than presenting one’s individual perspective. And among gay, lesbian, and transgender
people, reluctance to self-disclose may represent realistic caution about the safety of sharing such
personal information.

Consider this: Are your top three value priorities shared by the dominant culture? By your culture?
By your family? By your peers? Are they supported in your workplace?

WHEN PRIORITIES DIFFER

Dr. Lawrence was a leader in the Episcopal Church—an African American man who fought for the
ordination of women and the end of apartheid in South Africa. In his eulogy, Dr. Lawrence’s ability to
connect across divides was explained by his son:

He commanded respect without ever asking for it. In high school, my rowdiest friends—the
guys who stole hubcaps and crashed parties—were perfect gentlemen in my father’s presence.
They’d stand and say, “Yes, sir, Dr. Lawrence,” and answer his many questions about school
and home and where their parents and grandparents were from. It was much later that I
realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-
grade kid in Spring Valley who shined shoes the same way he talked and listened to a bishop
or college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say.2

THE RESPECT STRATEGIES

When it comes to conflict resolution, respect is a good place to start. Respectful conflict resolution
involves both attitude and behavior. Seven strategies for resolving conflicts via one’s thinking and
behavior are summarized by the acronym RESPECT.

Table 10.1 The RESPECT Strategies

Recognize a shared or similar value.

Expression of the same value may differ, so think about this.
Step back from assumptions about value priorities and what is right.
Power—Consider differences of power and privilege.
Empathize—look for compassionate, nonjudgmental explanations.
Culture—Consider its influence on behavior, views, and beliefs—your own and others’.
Think differently—Use language to positively reframe others’ value priorities.

Recognize a Shared or Similar Value

John and Evelyn came to see a counselor for help in resolving conflicts over family relationships.
John and Evelyn were comfortably middle-class, both of European American heritage. However,
Evelyn had grown up in a middle-class, urban New England family, and John was raised by a single
mother on public assistance, in rural generational poverty. According to John, Evelyn did not value
family as much as he did, because she did not want any family staying with them on a regular basis,
and she became angry whenever he gave his mother or siblings money. Evelyn countered that John
valued his family more than he valued her.
The counselor began by helping Evelyn and John see their common ground. Although there were
conflicts in their views, they both agreed that family was important. They also both wanted to be able
to talk about family and resolve differences with good feelings between them.

Expression of the Same Value May Differ, So Think About This

As they talked about what it means to value one’s family, it became apparent that different cultural
norms were influencing their expression of this value. In Evelyn’s independent and individualistic
family, the best way to ensure good relations was for everyone to have plenty of space. During
holidays, Evelyn’s family rented hotel rooms, which, from their perspectives, allowed everyone to
spend quality time together at the couple’s house and still have privacy. In John’s family, hotels were
never an option because money was tight, and good relations were expressed by physical proximity
and a willingness to help one another financially.
As they focused on the shared aspect of their values and recognized the influence of cultural
norms, the couple’s greater understanding facilitated their communication and problem solving.
Although compromise was required on both parts, their relationship improved with their increased
understanding of how and why each behaved as they did.
As in the case of Evelyn and John, many values are cross-cultural, but their expression differs.
For example, intelligence is valued across cultures, but how one defines or expresses it differs
significantly. In Western countries, thinking and responding quickly are core components (e.g., most
of the tasks on the major intelligence tests are timed). However, in many African countries, speed is
less important than careful, deliberate thought and a large store of acquired knowledge. Similarly,
wisdom is valued across cultures, but whereas a core expression of wisdom in Asian cultures is
emotional restraint, it is not among European Americans. And most people value courage, but what is
courageous in one culture may be considered foolhardy in another.
All cultures value communication as an essential part of human relations; however, norms vary
regarding what information is appropriate to share, with whom, when, and how. Because the
dominant culture often uses isolated examples to stereotype an entire group, sharing negative
information about yourself, your family, or someone of your culture may be used against you or your
culture. Similarly, many American Indian and Alaska Native people are reluctant to share information
about traditional spiritual beliefs and sacred practices because such information has been misused
and sold for profit by dominant-culture members.
Here is another exercise to get you thinking about how your values regarding privacy versus self-
disclosure in communication may influence what, when, and how you communicate.

EXERCISE 10.2
Open Versus Private Communication3
For the first three categories of people, think of a specific person and write their first name in
the blank spot under the categories of Friend, Family member, and Coworker. For the last
person, imagine a stranger you meet on an airplane. Now for every item, put a check mark under
each person’s name with whom you’d feel comfortable sharing this information. For example, if
you feel comfortable talking about your religious beliefs & practices only with the friend you
named, put a check in the column under the friend’s name but not under your family member’s,
coworker’s, or the stranger columns.
 Does the person’s gender or culture make a difference in what you would share? Is there a
difference between what you would share with a friend versus a family member? Are there some
things you would never share at work, even with a work friend? Does it matter if the person is a
stranger you will never see again?

There are people who would consider all the above topics to be private, and some who would
feel comfortable sharing all this information with anyone. Whatever your preference, it is important to
b e aware that questions and information you consider benign could be perceived as invasive or
insensitive by someone else. If a person is reluctant to talk about these or other areas, he or she may
still value the relationship, but sharing this type of information is not a way he or she feels
comfortable connecting. The more you learn about a person’s culture, the more you will know when
this is the case.
In sum, looking for different expressions of the same value creates an expectation of core
similarities between people. This expectation facilitates a positive connection without denying the
differences.

Step Back From Assumptions About Value Priorities

Crystal was a single, young Samoan woman who lived with her three young children and mother
in a two-bedroom apartment. The family lived on Crystal’s minimum-wage income and her mother’s
small Social Security disability check. Crystal’s case manager (who was third-generation Mexican
American) was helping her find a job that paid more, although he wanted her to enroll in college
because he believed she was capable of obtaining a degree. No one in Crystal’s family had ever gone
to college and she did not appear interested, but the case manager thought her lack of interest
reflected her lack of confidence that she could succeed.
The case manager struggled with his own desire to push Crystal to consider college. He was the
first in his family to go to college and recognized the challenges involved, but he considered his life
much better because he had obtained a degree. At the same time, he did not want to impose his own
value priorities on Crystal, nor did he want her to feel “less than” if she did not go to college.
For helping professionals, the answer to such dilemmas is not easy, but consideration of value
priorities can help. In this case, the case manager recognized that Crystal placed a higher value on
having a job, in large part because of the expectation of her mother and extended family members who
wanted her to have a job, at a time when she needed their support (i.e., when her children were
small). The case manager focused on helping Crystal with her stated goal of finding a better job but
continued to give her lots of positive feedback regarding her abilities, along with occasional college
suggestions in the hope that he was building her self-confidence and planting a seed.

Power and Privilege to Consider

In a busy urban health clinic, the new receptionist (fourth-generation Latina American) had just
helped an angry caller when a middle-aged, recently immigrated Sudanese woman came in and asked
for a copy of her medical records. The receptionist explained that only the records clerk could give
patients their records and she was out sick, but the receptionist would take the patient’s address and
have the clerk mail them. The patient had already requested her records by phone and thought she was
being put off. Her voice became louder as she insisted she needed them that day. In response, the
receptionist became patronizing in her tone. The argument grew until a supervisor intervened.
Power and privilege can be complex in their effects on interactions. In this case, although the
receptionist and patient were both women of color, the receptionist was fourth-generation American
and fluent in English, whereas the Sudanese woman had immigrated to the United States, was less
familiar with clinic norms, and did not speak English fluently. The receptionist had a position of
authority and thus greater privilege in relation to the patient, although she did not see herself as
privileged because in the larger context of the clinic and dominant culture, she was not. Recognizing
this power difference could have helped her engage with the patient in a more helpful way.

Empathize
A Christian student I will call Lisa told me the following story. Lisa was driving to class late,
hurriedly looking for a parking spot, when she saw a man who appeared to be Middle Eastern pull his
small car into two spots. The man got out of his car and laid his prayer mat out onto the second spot in
front of his car, then kneeled down on the mat and began performing the Muslim prayers. As people
drove by and saw him taking two parking spots, they began honking and yelling at him in anger, but he
continued to pray. The student said she felt terrible for him. She said she was thinking how much
strength it must take to follow one’s religious calling to the point that other people become furious.
As Lisa told this story, I was moved by the compassion she showed for someone who was very
different from her. The man was not of her own religion, and he had something she wanted (a parking
spot). But she empathized with his spiritual intention to do the right thing, and in this way, she
experienced a feeling of connection to the man.
This kind of situation is especially difficult to resolve because there is the perception that by one
person getting what he wants, the other person loses something. However, if the opportunity had
arisen to talk with this man about a better solution (e.g., putting his prayer mat on the sidewalk), Lisa
would have been more able to engage with him than the angry, honking drivers whose judgmental
attitude and angry behavior would have prevented problem solving.

Cultural Influences to Explore

Doug was a young White man who, after working with American Indian people in the large city
where he grew up, decided to take a managerial position in health care with a Native organization in
rural Alaska. Not long after he was hired, Doug became frustrated with what he considered the
organization’s slow pace. It seemed to him that even when a change would benefit everyone, the
decision had to be discussed in so many formats by so many people that it took forever.
Doug knew that he was the only person who felt this way, so he talked with a trusted coworker
who helped him to see another perspective. The coworker emphasized the organization’s common
goal (which Doug shared) of helping community members in need and explained how important it
was for everyone to feel valued in their work, in part because it was so hard to find qualified staff in
a rural area. By seeking consensus whenever possible, the tribal leaders showed that they valued
everyone’s input into potential change, and consensus eliminated conflicts that might occur afterwards
without it.
As Doug thought more about the influence of culture on his assumptions of what was best, he
recognized that he had always lived in a high-tech, urban area where “asap” was the baseline
expectation for any project. He could see that there were pros and cons to both approaches and began
to appreciate how the slower pace allowed for more relaxed and enjoyable social interactions
between people.

Think Differently
During conflicts, there is a tendency to assume that one’s own value priorities are the best,
especially when those priorities are supported by the dominant culture. The language used to think
and talk about values reflects this bias. Often, the thought is “I hold this (positive) value and you
don’t.” Then the other person’s value priority is described in negative terms. For example, “I value
independence and you don’t. You are dependent/codependent/enmeshed with your family.” Can you
hear how the latter terms are polar opposites and judgmental in tone?
One way to counter such negative assumptions is by looking for a positive term to describe the
other person’s priority. To use the same example, the person might say to himself or herself, “I place
a high priority on independence, and you place a higher priority on interdependence.” Note that the
term interdependence does not have a pejorative connotation.
This reframing recognizes that just because someone prioritizes one value does not mean he or
she completely denies the importance of the other value. Highly independent people are still
interdependent on some level to survive, and more interdependent people still want some personal
autonomy. The difference is mainly one of emphasis.
Table 10.2 Reframing Judgmental Assumptions

Judgmental: I value equality and egalitarian interactions, and you do not. You prefer an
authoritarian approach.
Reframe: While I value egalitarian interactions, your priority is on demonstrating respect, which
recognizes an individual’s greater knowledge, experience, and authority.
Judgmental: I value openness, and you are closed.
Reframe: I value openness, and you are cautious, show good self-control, and are more reserved.
Judgmental: I value change, and you are resistant.
Reframe: I value change, and you place a higher value on patience.
Judgmental: I value hard work, and you are lazy.
Reframe: I value hard work, and in your culture or country, working harder may be pointless
because it does not lead to greater pay or advancement.
Judgmental: I value honesty, and you are dishonest.
Reframe: I value honesty, and you value harmonious relationships, which may require not sharing
everything one thinks.
Judgmental: I value action, and you resign yourself to fate.
Reframe: I value action, and you place a higher priority on patience and acceptance.
Judgmental: I value competition, and you give up easily/don’t try hard enough.
Reframe: I place a higher value on competition, and you place a higher priority on cooperation and
acceptance.

EXERCISE 10.3
Practicing Respectful Resolution
Think of a value you hold strongly. Now think of someone who frustrates you and who you think
does not hold this value. Remember the RESPECT strategies:

Recognize a shared or similar value.

Expression of the same value may differ, so think about this.

Step back from assumptions about value priorities and what is right.

Power—Consider differences of power and privilege.

Empathize—Look for compassionate, nonjudgmental explanations.

Culture—Consider its influence on behavior, views, and beliefs—yours and others’.

 Think differently—Use language to positively reframe others’ value priorities.

Using one of these strategies, try to think about this person in a way that decreases your
negative feelings and increases your openness to him or her. If you have the opportunity, use the
strategy to help you resolve, minimize, or avoid conflict with this person. If the strategy doesn’t
work, try another one.

1Based on the exercise Learning to Grow Old, originally published in Pedersen, P. B. (1997).Culture-centered counseling
interventions: Striving for accuracy. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
2Lawrence-Lightfoot, S. (2000). Respect. Cambridge, MA: Perseus Books.
3Inspired by Public and Private Self exercise in Pedersen, P. B. (2004). 110 experiences for multicultural learning (pp. 96–98).
Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; and Taboo Topics Across Cultures exercise in Goldstein, S. (2000). Cross-
cultural explorations: Activities in culture and psychology (pp. 163–170). Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
 11

Conclusion

Knowledge that takes you not beyond yourself is far worse than ignorance.

—Sufi saying1

nlike the subjects we learned once in school, relationships require a lifetime of learning.

U What makes this learning challenging is the continually changing nature of the information
we need. In an effort to understand this learning process, psychologist Steven Regeser
López2 asked counselors in a multicultural training course to chronicle their experiences.
Afterward, he and the student-counselors combed through the data and found four common stages to
their learning.
In the first stage, counselors showed a lack of awareness of cultural influences on themselves and
on their clients and relationships. Counselors did not believe they had any biases and experienced no
distress about their lack of cross-cultural competence, because they did not perceive culture to be
important.
In the second stage, as counselors began learning cultural information, they started noticing
cultural influences on themselves, including personal biases. They began considering cultural
explanations for clients’ beliefs and behaviors; however, these explanations were often based on
stereotypes. Counselors reported an increased appreciation for diversity but also began experiencing
frustration with the challenges involved.
In the third stage, counselors reported increasing confusion and frustration as awareness of their
own limitations grew. The need to consider cultural influences without a clear understanding of those
influences was perceived as more of a burden than a help. Counselors experienced more ambivalence
and defensiveness in their work with clients who were culturally different from themselves.
In the fourth stage, described as one of synthesis, counselors were aware of their own biases but
more accepting of their need to continue learning on an ongoing basis. They showed an ability to think
about and use cultural information flexibly and to adapt this information to each client’s needs and
preferences. In this stage, counselors reported increased appreciation of the richness involved in
working with diverse people.
In my own work training counselors and psychologists, there is one additional quality I have
observed during the synthesis stage. As people learn about privilege, “isms,” and unfairness in the
world, they often feel a desire to go beyond the individual level of relationships to changing
organizations and society. Such advocacy and social justice work can take a variety of forms—for
example, the brother of a young gay man becomes active in PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians
and Gays); parents of a child born with cerebral palsy become advocates for increased rights for
people with disabilities; a young woman decides after receiving an MBA to teach finance classes to
communities of people living in poverty; an educator decides to use his social connections to raise
funds to build a school for girls in another country.
Keep in mind that people do not always move through these stages in a linear way, and a high
level of cultural competence with one group does not ensure competence with another. For example, a
young White lesbian woman may have a high level of awareness, knowledge, and skill in working
with sexual minorities who are White, but need a great deal more learning to understand the
experiences of lesbian and gay people of color. A Latino Christian man may form great relationships
with Christian Whites and people of color but have a limited understanding of Jews, Muslims,
Hindus, and Buddhists. It is most helpful to think of these stages as culture specific and variable.
Hopefully, wherever you are now is further along than when you began reading this book. If you
began in Stage 1 regarding a particular minority culture and now find yourself in a second or third
stage, you may be feeling more frustrated. But if you continue learning and watching out for
defensiveness that can cut you off from people and new ideas, it will get better. If your journey has
taken you to the synthesis stage with regard to a particular culture, I hope you will continue to expand
your experiences to cultures that are new to you. There is never a shortage of cultures to learn from,
and cross-cultural relationships offer unique possibilities for personal growth, friendship, success,
and making a difference.

EXERCISE 11.1
Reflection Questions

1. What is the most significant thing you have learned about building cross-cultural
relationships? How could this new information help you?
2. What is the most significant thing you have learned about yourself with regard to cross-
cultural relationships? How could this insight help you?
3. What is your biggest strength in building cross-cultural relationships? How can you
reinforce this strength, build upon it, and/or make the most of it?
4. What is your biggest weakness when it comes to building cross-cultural relationships?
What can you do to counter or minimize this weakness?

1Quoted by Elif Shafak in her TED talk, July 2010. Retrieved from www.elifshafak.com/ted_eng.asp
2López, S. R., Grover, K. P., Holland, D., Johnson, M. J., Kain, C. D., Kanel, K., Mellins, C. A., & Rhyne, M. C. (1989). Developme
of culturally sensitive psychotherapists. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 20, 369–376.
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 Index

Ableism, 29
ADDRESSING Culture Sketch, 14–22
cultural influences, 15–16 (table)
example, 19 (table)
personal, 20–22
Adler, Alfred, 91
Affirmative Action, 70
Ageism, 29
Ahregah, 90–91
Alaska Native, 4, 7, 16, 17, 21, 32, 55, 59, 70, 76, 107,
al-Zahrawi, 11
Anti-Semitism, 29
Assumptions
judgmental, 112
value priorities, 109
Attention. See Paying attention
Awareness
creating a new, 23–34
quiz, 5–8

Bachelet, Michelle, 68
Bias(es)
cultural groups and, 26–28
power and, 29 (table)
subtle, recognizing, 34
systems of privilege and oppression, 28–31
universality of, 24–26
See also Privilege
Bronson, Po, 51
Brookfield, Stephen, 84
Bush, George, 13

Clark, Kenneth, 26
Clark, Mamie, 26
Classism, 29
Colonialism, 28, 29
Color blindness, 51
Communication
dos and don’ts, 66–67
 effective and respectful, 54–67
indirect, 61
names, 56–58
nonverbals, 58–66
open versus private, 107–108
preferences, recognizing your, 59
subtle/indirect, 60–61
Compassion, 85–89
building, 89
common interest strategy, 85–86
humor strategy, 88
recognize suffering strategy, 86–87
reframe strategy, 88
Conflict resolution, respectful, 102–113
Connection
keeping a, 90–101
making the, 80–89
See also Staying connected, strategies for
Constellation of privileges.
See Privilege constellation
Courage, 81–82
Crimmins, Cathy, 72
Cultural influences, 111
Cultural interpreter, 101
Culture scripts, 49–53
common, 50–51 (table)
recognizing your, 52–53
Culture sketch, 20–22

Davidson, Shelby, 10
Davies-Hinton test (for syphilis), 10
Davis, Kiri, 26
Deaf Culture, 17
Defensive behaviors, 91–92
Defensive feelings, 91–92
Defensiveness, 91–92
Descriptive stereotypes, 26
Disability Culture, 17
Disconnection, preventing, 92–94
Diversity
positive possibilities of, 3–4
unavoidability of, 1–12
Dress, 64–65
Empathizing, 110–111
Essential knowledge, 24–34
Ethnic identification terms, meanings of, 76–78
Eye contact, 63–64

Family and friends, influence of, 44–53

First Nations, 17, 18, 21, 76,
Florida, Richard, 72
Free association, 27–28

Gandhi. See Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand)

Gates, Gary, 72
Golden Rule, 102–113
Greene, Beverly, 13

Hall, Lloyd Augusta, 10

Heterosexism, 29
Hill, Murray, 60
Hinton, William, 10
Holmes, Oliver Wendell, 83
How the Homosexuals Saved Civilization (Crimmins), 72
Humility, 82–83

Ignorance, negative consequences of, 5–12

Ilaj-il-nafsani (Al-Razi), 11
Indigenous heritage, people, 16, 17, 21, 40, 41
Indirect communication, 61
Influence, of family and friends, 44–53
Information
hidden, 9–11
privileged versus nonprivileged, 33–34
Invisible boundary, 35–43. See also Privilege
It Gets Better project, 60

Jamison, Mae, 10
Jones, Frederick McKinley, 10
Judgmental assumptions, reframing, 112 (table)

Kahler, Rick, 49n

Kawagley, O. (A Yupiaq Worldview), 54n2
King, Martin Luther, 13
Klontz, Brad, 49n
Klontz, Ted, 49n
Knowledge, essential, 24–34
Kountz, Samuel, 10

Lady Montague, 11
López, Steven Regeser, 114
Lumumba-Kasongo, Mana, 9

Mahatma Gandhi (Mohandas Karamchand), 13

Matheson, Lou, 55
McCoy, Elijah, 10
McIntosh, Peggy, 37
McVeigh, Timothy, 73
Mennonite Game, 57–58
Merryman, Ashley, 51
Microaggressions, 8, 69
Mindfulness, 24
Morgan, Garrett Augustus, 10
Multiculturalism, in everyday life, 2–4
Multicultural training, four learning stages, 114–115
“My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish” (Lumumba-Kasongo), 9

Names, 56–58
Native, 2, 4, 7-8, 17-18, 19, 21-22, 41, 53, 55, 59, 60, 61, 63, 75, 76, 83, 94, 101
Nonverbals, 58–66
dress, 64–65
eye contact, 63–64
miscellaneous, 65–66
physical space, 62–63
physical touch, 61–62
question and answer, 60
silence, 58–59
subtle/indirect communication, 60–61
NurtureShock (Bronson and Merryman), 51

Offense. See Phrases, offensive; Words, offensive

Oppression, 28–31. See also Privilege

Paying attention, 96
Payne, Ruby, 30
Phrases, offensive, 70–74. See also Words, offensive
Physical space, 62–63
Physical touch, 61–62
Potts, Randy Roberts, 37
Power, 109–110
 bias and, 29 (table)
Prejudice, 32
Prescriptive stereotypes, 26
Priorities, differing, 105
Prioritization, of values, 104
Privilege, 28–43, 109–110
constellation, 39–43
locational context and, 38–40
watch, 43
See also Bias

Question and answer, 60

Questioning mind, 83–85

Race, 6, 31-32, 38, 38n2, 50, 51-52, 53, 70, 70n4, 71, 74, 77n9, 87, 94
Racial identification terms, meanings of, 76–78
Racism, 27, 29, 32, 77, 107
Reclaimed words, 77–78
Reference group, 47
Relationship mistakes, 8
Relationship vitals, 80–89
compassion, 85–89
courage, 81–82
humility, 82–83
questioning mind, 83–85
Resolution. See Conflict resolution
RESPECT strategies, 105 (table), 106–112. See also Communication; Conflict resolution
Rice, Condoleezza, 13

Second Nations, 18
Self-identity, 13–22
Sexism, 29
Shafak, Elif, 47
Silence, 58–59
Smith, Huston, 82
Socialization, 31–33. See also Privilege
Social map, 46–47
Spiral down effect, 91–92
Staying connected, strategies for, 94–99
breathe and pay attention to your body, 95
know your push-buttons, 94–95
question your need for matching views, 98–99
stop defensive behaviors, 95–97
validate, 97–98
Stereotypes, 25–26
responding to, 99–101
Stop-and-pause communication, 59
Subtle bias, recognizing, 34
Subtle/indirect communication, 60–61
Sue, Derald Wing, 8
Suffering, looking for, 87

Thich Nhat Hanh, 95

Thinking differently, 111–112
Third Nations, 18

Validate, 97–98
Value(s)
priorities, 104, 109
recognizing your, 103
same, expression of, 106–109
shared or similar, 106
View, expanding your, 11–12

Williams, C. B., 77
Wired for Wealth (Klontz, Klontz, and Kahler), 49n
Words
developing a new perspective, 77
importance of, 68–79
offensive, 75. See also Phrases, offensive
reclaimed, 77–78
Wright, Lewis, 10
 About the Author

Pamela A. Hays is author of the book Addressing Cultural Complexities in Practice and co-editor
of Culturally Responsive Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. She holds a PhD in clinical psychology
from the University of Hawaii and from 1987 to 1988, served as NIMH Postdoctoral Fellow at the
University of Rochester School of Medicine. From 1989 to 2000, she worked as a core faculty
member of the graduate psychology program at Antioch University Seattle, where she continues to
teach once a year as adjunct. Her research has included work with Vietnamese, Lao, and Cambodian
people living in the United States and with Arab Muslim women living in North Africa. Since 2000,
she has been back in her hometown of Soldotna, Alaska, working in private practice and as a
supervisor for the Kenaitze Tribe’s Nakenu Family Center in Kenai, Alaska. She conducts workshops
internationally and can be reached at www.drpamelahays.com.