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 A Building Your Best Publications Book

Copyright © 2016 Kalliope Barlis • First Paperback Printing 2016

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any
form whatsoever. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited. You may contact
us for authorization at [email protected].

This book is proudly written and printed in the U.S.A.

You may ask the author about your concerns and book an appointment at +1 (718) 751-
5105 or [email protected].

The skills in this book are used with the generous written permission of Dr. Richard Bandler.

For information about special discounts for large quantity purchases, ask us at Building Your
Best at +1 (718) 751-5105 or [email protected].

Order an autographed copy of this book at: www.BuildingYourBest.com

_______________________

For more information about our seminars, events, and public talks, visit:
www.BuildingYourBest.com • www.NLP.nyc • www.Kalliope.nyc •
www.PlayGolfBetterFaster.com
 To the Reader

Use of the skills in this book is your sole responsibility. If you have
any concerns regarding your mental health, seek help from a
professional.

Skills in this book are for irrational fears and irrational phobias—
whether it is stated throughout this book or not—that do not
interfere with your safety. The skills in this book are not intended for
any fears and phobias, irrational or not, that keep you safe. It is
your responsibility to distinguish the difference.
 Kalliope Barlis is an expert in Phobia
Relief and Neuro-Linguistic Programming.

As the author of three books, she is

acclaimed for her great sincerity and
masterful use of skills to improve the lives
of people by making them more mindful
of how they think and what they do.

As a practicing Licensed Trainer of NLP©

who sees only a select number of clients
privately and mentors Licensed
Master/Practitioners and Coaches of NLP
toward their own mastery, she also holds
training seminars for others to become
Licensed NLP professionals.

Currently, she maintains a training school

in New York City, where people from all
around the world come to learn from her
expertise in changing people’s lives,
including their own.
 Dedication

This book is dedicated

to all people who want to be free from
stressful fears and phobias.

It is with great honor that I dedicate this

book to Dr. Richard Bandler, the luminary
genius who created the skills I use in this
book and in life with others.

And to John and Kathleen La Valle for all

that they do and for all the skills they
teach to make it all worthwhile.
 PRAISE FOR KALLIOPE BARLIS

“Kalliope has a scintillating perspective on the world. She kindly

came into a healthcare workshop I was conducting and helped raise
the level of our team’s thinking with her insights and unique blend of
expertise. Throughout, she was stimulating, gracious, and generous
with her ideas. A rare combination of intelligence and empathy.”
—ANDREW HO, BAYER WORKSHOP DIRECTOR

“The lecture and exercises were powerfully delivered. They allowed

students to bring forth the ability to transform themselves by
pushing through insecurities they may have had. More importantly,
having the tools and strategies to access confidence from within is a
valuable skill in the most challenging of times. We look forward to
future presentations.”
—LEADERS BY CHOICE, NATIONAL COLLEGE OF NATURAL MEDICINE

“Kalliope is an angel. Through meeting with her, my life shifted into a

better place. I’ve closed more deals, lost weight, and have a greater
well-being, all within one session and three weeks after. Life is a
game, and you can change how you play it.”
—IOANNIS EFTHYMIOU, REAL ESTATE AGENT, NEW YORK CITY

“The instructor, Kalliope Barlis, was phenomenal in explaining the

nuts and bolts of NLP. She conveyed the message clearly and
efficiently. I now feel more confident in knowing I have the abilities
to help others improve their lives as well as my own. Thank you,
Kalliope.”
—ANTHONY G., OLYMPIC TRAINER,
PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED MASTER PRACTITIONER OF NLP
“Thank you for the quality of your presentation and sharing
important messages with our PGA Golf Management students. The
students are still talking about the value you have added to their
game, to this day. Many students are anxiously awaiting your next
book. Again, thanks for helping to make our PGA Golf Management
Program a success.”
—CHRISTOPHER JAMES PROSSER, PGA, MBA, CHE,
PGA GOLF MANAGEMENT PROGRAM AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF MARYLAND EASTERN SHORE

“My tension in my stomach is gone, my sweating is gone. I’m

actually not picturing clowns as big as they were before. Now, I see
them small, and then I see my kids’ faces and we’re having a good
time. I thank you so much. The clowns are just a little penny, a little
peanut here, and I’m just gonna flick ‘em over there. I don’t even
have that feeling in my stomach. Remember —I told you it was right
here—just gone, and no more worries.”
—Y.V.

“This class is like no other class I’ve ever taken. I’m excited to begin
practicing the techniques with friends, family, and also myself. I can
use what I’ve learned in so many ways to communicate with people
better.”
—SAFIRA M.M., STUDENT,
PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED MASTER PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“Kalliope is a master healer. I was suffering from terrible pain, and in

just one session, I was healed. She is amazing, and I highly
recommend her for all your aches and pains. She is a real miracle
worker.”
—DR. A. DIAMOND

“The NLP Practitioner course was a wonderful experience and

opened up a whole new world. I learned valuable tools and
knowledge that I am using in both my personal and professional life.
Kalliope is an awesome trainer, and I left the course walking and
talking NLP.”
—NICOLA K.B., PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“Kalliope, I just want to express my thanks for making our work

together such a pleasant experience. I found it very interesting the
way you helped me realize which way things spin, flow, etc., and
how I could control my feelings. It brought me a great sense of
calm. Thank you for your help.”
—ROB POLLI, PHARMACIST

“Kalliope rocks. Beautifully designed to teach and enlighten your

communication skills and also your personal development. Kalliope
has this magical ability to convey NLP to you. You will learn easily
and quickly how to apply it to your own environment and the world
around you.”
—ATHENA WANDZILAK, RETIRED RN,
PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED MASTER PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“The wealth of knowledge you brought to us inspired and informed

our students, who for the most part, were unfamiliar with what you
do. They were sitting on the edge of their seats as you
demonstrated your skills. It is obvious you bring great passion to
your work. You are a testament to your profession, bringing skills,
knowledge, and insight in what you do. I do hope you come back for
another presentation. You’re an outstanding presenter; my students
walked away educated and curious to learn more.”
—PROFESSOR DIANA TREGLIA, KINGSBOROUGH COMMUNITY COLLEGE

“I had a very positive experience with Kalliope. I went to her for two
reasons: to reduce my stress and deal with my alopecia. I can’t
exactly pinpoint when or what happened, but after seeing Kalliope, I
felt an immediate sense of relief. Like a boulder was lifted off of my
shoulders and I was able to breathe. The outcome was my hair grew
back, and I learned that I would be having a second child.”
—J.F., NEW YORK CITY TEACHER
“The simple, yet now obvious, technique guided me to have a shift
in my life. I am excited to experience subsequent shifts still to be
revealed. I feel it inside of me that something great is about to
happen.”
—L.M.

“The training that Kalliope provided throughout this course opened

up doors to better self-knowledge and definitely some powerful tools
in developing better relationships and understanding of people.”
—OANA R., PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED MASTER PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“If you’re ready to become a free person on many levels and have a
pleasant life experience going forward, then I highly recommend this
program. Kalliope’s ability to see life and experiences for what they
truly are inspired me to apply it in my own life.”
—PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“If you would like to learn how to communicate more effectively and
have better understanding of what others are really saying, this is
the class for you! Kalliope is an excellent communicator and will
equip you with strategies that will help you live your best life!”
—PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“Before attending this seminar, I tried as much as I could to change,

but no matter what, that’s where I would reside in my mind. That is
no longer my belief. Change happens ‘fast’ and without asking ‘why’
has led me to ‘how’ and that’s the beginning of my journey.”
—AARON A., PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“The NLP program we took with you these past two weekends made
me a better person to myself and toward others. I can better deal
with my own stuff because I learned the language to guide myself
when I am going through a difficult time and actually saying, ‘That
doesn’t sound right; it’s actually a problem that has a solution
because that’s life.’ When I have a problem now, I am aware of the
auditory internal voice and am able to question it and get to the
bottom or top (that sounds better) of it. First, I laugh about it and
then take ACTION! It just comes to me. I think that Coach Kalliope
worked on us as we were asleep. Sometimes, I thought I didn’t get
the material we were learning but suddenly it clicked! So much to
learn, Coach, and so much we did with you! Thank you.”
—GABRIELA EDER, PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED PRACTITIONER OF NLP

“I enjoyed your seminar a lot. It is already helping me now. Thank

you for demonstrating and teaching me how to use lan-guage—to
use the words I choose to empower me to free and expand my
mind. I will be using these models that I learned to bring me to a
place of enjoyment and fulfillment. You are a great teacher and
effective communicator.”
—ELENA W., PARTICIPANT OF LICENSED PRACTITIONER OF NLP
 Contents

Foreword
A Brief Note to the Reader

Introduction

PART ONE Shrink Your Fears & Find Your

Purpose
1. Fear or Phobia
2. Fed Up with Fear
3. Purpose of Fears and Phobias
4. Choose Your Purpose
Exercise: Choose Your Purpose

PART TWO How to Change Fear Into

Freedom
5. The Solution
6. What Do You Want?
Exercise: Getting What You Want
7. Spin the Feelings
Exercise: Spin the Feelings
8. Size and Distance
Exercise: Shrink Your Fears
 9. Reverse the Charge
Exercise: Reverse the Charge
10. Plan Your Future Now
Exercise: Change Your Future Now

PART THREE NLP Change Work in Action

11. Client Session Transcript and Process

Conclusion: From Fear to Freedom

Appendix: Skills
Exercise: Skills for Now
Exercise: The Sequence
Glossary

References

How to Ask Kalliope for Help

 Foreword

Kalliope Barlis’s new book, Phobia Relief, is an example of how the

profound can be presented so simply and to the point—no big
theory, no long pitch, just down to the what and how to do it.

I presented the first technique to overcome phobic fears in one of

my books decades ago; shortly thereafter, I got a letter from
someone thanking me for doing what psychotherapy could not. The
letter said in part: “After reading your book in twenty minutes, I did
what I could not do after spending tens of thousands of dollars over
the course of twenty years.”

Since that time, NLP has evolved, and Kalliope has captured it. She
presents it in a “no nonsense you can do it now” way. NLP is about
learning to think successfully. This book is a great example of what I
have said for years:

“Change the way you think;

It will change how you feel,
and therefore change what you can do.”

Read this book and be free of fear . . . and embrace life.

—Dr. Richard Bandler, co-founder of NLP,

author of thirty books, and creator
of behavioral technologies
 A Brief Note to the Reader

Neuro-Linguistic Programming© (NLP) is the study and use of

successful behavior. It is a technology of thought that leads to an art
form of thinking. Dr. Richard Bandler is the co-creator of NLP, and he
studied how the brain did or did not function during the act of fear
and how people got over their fears to lead a life in comfort.

Dr. Bandler created the skills that are described in this book to form
a single sequence to resolve fears. These skills were created forty
years ago and have evolved over the years to be done more quickly,
efficiently, and easily.

I have apprenticed with Dr. Bandler for many years and continue to
do so. Having attended more than twenty of his seminars as a
participant—and almost as many as a permanent assistant trainer on
his training team during his seminars held internationally—it is a
thrill to present to you the beauty and simple elegance of his work.
(This does not include the countless hours spent at home studying
his work.) I only credit myself with observing the sequence of Dr.
Bandler’s work while adding just a few nuances of my own to the
sequence to adapt to the needs of those asking for the change.

The sequence of NLP change work described in this book has not
been printed anywhere prior to this publication. It is a sequence Dr.
Bandler has evolved from the original sequence of change work forty
years ago. Dr. Bandler has generously given me written permission
to write about his work. I credit the change work to him; I can’t see
myself doing otherwise. It is the work of his genius, not of my own
ability to adapt the skills to meet the needs of whoever asks for
resolution of their fears.
I have paid great attention to Dr. Bandler’s work with a great desire
to do what he does: maximize the brain to heal the mind, heal the
body, increase consciousness, and thrust the spirit into a higher level
toward a free life. All of this is done with great attention to detail.

Although I have several credentials as someone who has had a

strong desire to learn and apply what I learn, I’m asking you not to
care about them, but to care most about my greatest credential,
which matters most in life: common sense for what works. The skills
in this book work easily. And they work quickly to create the change
you want, no matter what level of education you have. Our intention
is to make these powerful skills available to anyone.

With all this said, my sincere interest is to shrink your fears so you
have more choice to live the life you want, so you can live your best
life ever, with purpose. Now, let’s begin.
 Introduction

Some people have out-of-control responses to what they think is a

threat. Often, the uncontrolled response occurs when what they fear
isn’t even within the circumference of where they are. It can be a
thought, a photo, or someone just talking about what they fear that
makes them react. It’s not the object or situation that people fear.
It’s the big, giant picture staring at them in their mind that scares
them when they think of what they fear.

Untamed responses associated with thinking about fears are too

many to mention. Instead of putting more ideas in your head about
what can go wrong, the intention is to plan for you to have more
control of your life. Here is the good news: just because it feels
uncontrollable doesn’t mean that it can’t be mastered by changing
how you think.

Some methods for trying to dissolve fears dig into a root cause of
when, where, and with whom the fears were first triggered. This can
only reinforce the fear without creating a solution because these
questions gather information, creating more detail in the mind about
the fear. The more detail you have, the clearer it is represented in
your mind. Therefore, any experience becomes more and more real
the more you talk about it. Understanding when, where, and with
whom it all started doesn’t make it stop because it reinforces the
pathways in the brain.

If you want to master a skill, you do it over and over again. This is
called rote learning. This is what you did when you learned the
multiplication table, repeating the numbers over and over again to
remember it well. By talking about it, you reinforced the pathways in
your brain.

Well, it works the same way when people think over and over again
about bad memories or fears. The more you talk about bad
memories, the more you remember them, and the worse you feel
because the thoughts change your brain chemistry.

Oftentimes, older family and friends who lived during World War II
and experienced the occupation of their neighborhoods by the
military don’t talk about their childhood experiences. They have the
common sense that they will feel bad talking about it. So they don’t;
instead, they talk and laugh about the fun or heartwarming stuff
they remember.

Thinking is an activity, and like any other activity, you can control it.
Thinking about the bad stuff is rote behavior that is
counterproductive because answering who, what, where, when, and
why reinforces the bad memory or the fear within the pathways of
the brain.

Instead, our primary focus is to change how we think of what is

feared. When we change how we think, we change the patterns in
the brain. We weaken the old pathways while creating new ones.
Consequently, changing how we think changes how we feel; we feel
better. Asking what, where, when, why, and with whom informs us
about content, whereas when we ask how it gives us the useful
answers we’re looking for—as explained in this book—so that we can
create meaningful change, quickly.

This book is not therapy. This is a book on how to educate your

brain so that you influence your neurology by how you think. You
can learn how to change as easily and quickly as your brain does.

An overweight person came to me and asked me to help her lose

weight. She had been to many therapists who, one after the other,
informed her that the extra padding on her body was a “protection
device” she’d created. I asked her, “Did you actually design the
layers of fat on your body because you were thinking, Oh boy, this is
really gonna come in handy in a dark alley?” She laughed and said
no. Still, although this may or may not have been true, the
understanding did not help her lose the weight. She actually did not
eat a lot.

After recommending an allergy test via blood samples, it came to

our awareness that her weight gain had nothing to do with wearing
natural armor when faced by predators in the outside world, but
instead with an allergy to the foods she was eating the most. The
allergic response was causing a great deal of water retention, which
she was able to shed in weeks when she stopped eating those
foods. Her weight had nothing to do with reliving past experiences
and understanding she might be protecting herself. Her weight had
to do with a hidden response by her body that perceived an internal
danger, not external danger.

Our thoughts sometimes create danger inside our own minds when
there is no real danger in the outside world. It’s all about how you
think that can change how you feel. When you have a strong
reaction to anything, your ability to remain calm is possible because
anything is possible when you change how you think. It’s just a
matter of finding out how to do it, step by step, so that it becomes
second nature.

This book gives you step-by-step instructions on how to change how

you think so that you resolve your fears and feel propelled to do
more of what you want to do. Time and time again, clients have
walked into my office sweating, panting, and panicked by the
thought that I’d placed a snake or spider or clown in my office to
challenge their fears. I only do something like that after I’ve already
worked with a client because they’re making themselves suffer
enough just by thinking about what they fear. However, this is
exactly where they need to be to make the change, which is why
they come to me.
The focus of my work is to enjoy the process, and when we’re done
with the NLP change work, they walk out feeling confident in their
ability to be in the same space with what they once feared. When
they have the object they once feared in front of them or in thought,
their feelings of the fear are dramatically decreased! Fear is only
there when they need to be afraid for real.

And it’s all because I’ve changed how they think about what they
once got severely stressed and anxious about. It no longer has the
impact it once had. They didn’t gain freedom from their fears
because we understood that Uncle J was messed up when he threw
them off the boat into the ocean where they landed among a school
of big fish, which made them fearful of water, or that Aunt B forgot
to put the snake in its cage and it crawled into their bed for warmth,
or that the guy who dressed up like a clown didn’t notice how bad
his makeup job was and subsequently scared many people to fear
clowns into their adulthood. These stories go on and on and on. And
quite frankly, ho hum, they can’t entertain a person who is the least
bit interested. Actually, maybe it entertains what people fear: I can
just hear the wings of a plane say to the passenger, “You may be
feeling the rippling effect of the wind up against me, but it just
means I’m doing the right thing to keep us both safe. Here, have a
snack and a beverage on me.”

It is with sincere hope that this book guides you to develop more
freedom so that you can do more of the things you want to in life,
like enjoy so many more valuable experiences with your families,
friends, colleagues, and even with total strangers. Fear prevents us
from living our lives, and when you shrink your fear, you can do
anything, including finding your purpose and building your best life
ever.

Passionately guiding you into greater freedom,

Kalliope
 PART ONE
Shrink Your Fears & find
Your Purpose
 CHAPTER 1

Fear or Phobia

On one hand, fear is a strong emotion caused by great worry about

something dangerous, painful, or unknown that is happening or
might happen. As an action word, it means to be frightened,
worried, or upset about someone or something unpleasant.

On the other hand, a phobia is an extreme fear of a particular thing

or situation, especially one that does not have a reasonable
explanation and prevents you from doing something you would do
normally (that is, until the phobia shrinks until the feelings reduce).
It is often described as irrational.

Whether fear or phobia, there are only two fears that people are
born with: loud noises and falling. The rest are learned, and they
are, at times, learned quickly, which means that all these other fears
can be unlearned quickly as well.

This book does not address fears and phobias based on a real
threat, because there are fears you need to be responsive to. Rather,
it addresses fears and phobias that are illogical and prevent you
from doing things you would love to do.

If what is feared is a real threat, then maintain the fear so that you
have the ability to respond accordingly; there may be a time when a
real threat presents itself and you have to respond in a way that will
save your life or other people’s lives. For example, you need to keep
a fear of fire so that you avoid putting your hand on a hot stove. You
need to keep a fear of rattlesnakes because if you see one, you need
to avoid it and get yourself to a safe place. You need to keep a fear
of anything that is a real threat so that you can maintain your safety.

Otherwise, when someone says I have a fear or I have a phobia that

lacks logic, I ask them, “Where did you get it? I want to buy them all
up so I can bury all the phobias in a secret place where no one else
can have any. I want to own all the unreasonable fears on the planet
so that people won’t be distracted from finding their purpose. Since
you have them, let me know where to get them.” And they laugh.

Here are some things I say to people who have specific fears:

• With a fear of dogs, I say, “It’s time to unleash your fear of dogs
and bark it away.”

• With a fear of heights, I say, “Let’s lower your fear of heights,

get you settled, and go to new heights.”

• With a fear of spiders, I say, “Let’s capture your fears in your

own web of power.”

• With a fear of enclosed spaces, I say, “Let’s bust out of this fear
and open new doors into greater, bigger spaces.”

• With a fear of clowns, I say, “Let’s teach them how to put their
makeup on, once and for all.”

It’s a start toward letting the fear or phobia fall onto itself so that
people gain a new perspective. With the new perspective and
sometimes a giggle attached to it, the change starts moving in the
right direction. By getting you into the right state of mind, you are
more receptive to change.

Laughter creates flexibility in your brain, which is called

neuroplasticity. Laughter releases the hormone oxytocin, causing the
brain to have greater plasticity. Plasticity means that the brain is
flexibly adaptable enough to create a change in its neural pathways,
according to your needs. By doing this, you are more receptive to
the change work.

By doing the change work in this book, your response to the fear will
change. While logical fears will not totally go away in the case of
things you actually need to fear in order to respond to a real threat,
your control over the fear will grow. You will have an ability to
respond to the world around you best.

When a person has a phobia, they will maintain that phobia even
when you present logical facts to them. For instance, out of all the
snakebites in the United States each year, less than onea percent of
those are fatal. You can tell this to a person who has a snake
phobia, but you’ll have an easier time convincing a brick wall in their
home that there’s no reason to fear snakes. Just because they
understand something or are informed of the truth does not change
how they are thinking about what they are afraid of. A person who
isn’t near what scares them gets terrified just by being wherever
they are because they see it in their mind. It’s the thought of what
they fear that makes them sweat, not what they fear itself.

Michael Strahan is a retired American football player who stands

massively tall at six-foot-five. Dr. Richard Bandler cured his fear of
snakes on the show Live! with Kelly and Michael. Richard started his
work with Michael while Michael was preparing before that segment
of the show. Time was running out as Richard was informed that the
twelve minutes he had been given had shrunk to four.

Richard said to him, “Remember that fear you used to have?” While
saying this, Richard held out his arms to form a V, visually showing
something big, then brought his hands together to form a doughnut
hole near his bellybutton to visually show that the fear had shrunk
from big to small. Half the change work was done.

During the four minutes remaining, on stage, in front of a live

audience, the rest of the change work was completed. By the end,
Michael held a large snake. Afterward, the football player gave
Richard a big hug that dwarfed him. It’s one of the most precious
moments in NLP change work history—and television history—and it
is now part of YouTube, too. Michael’s phobia of snakes remains just
a memory to this day.

Living in New York City, the chances of having an encounter with a

snake are slim to none, let alone a venomous one. Yet, the mere
thought of a snake scared the soul out of an American football
player until Dr. Bandler’s change work was done. And it didn’t even
matter if he was ready for it or not. The fact that the change work
changed how Michael thought about snakes settled his phobia of
snakes.

Why is it that people fear what they do? It doesn’t matter what is
feared; it’s how they fear it. It is a great big picture in their mind,
and it’s moving, and it’s moving toward them. Everybody does this,
just as Michael did in the past, up until just moments before the
change work and until that pattern was interrupted.

When people have a fear of enclosed spaces, the space comes in

closer to them. The smile of a badly made-up clown is a great, big
picture and moving in. The face of a dog barking moves in closer
and bigger for people who fear dogs. With anything that is feared,
that which is feared is great, big, and moving in closer. It doesn’t
matter what it is. Most spiders are small, yet in the minds of those
who fear them, they are dramatically humongous, like the size of
King Kong. If instead the fear became the same perspective as your
friend’s hand in yours, you too would have a hold on your fears.

When you change these elements of thought precisely, the fear is

resolved with the ability to make a choice while facing what you fear
less with a more logical response and with more control. The more
you become aware of how you think, the more aware you become of
how to control how you feel.
 CHAPTER 2

Fed Up with Fear

People propel themselves into making a change in their life when

they are fed up with all that has happened up to the point where
they are now—just fed up. This motivates them to change. Some of
the time, they do it on their own, and some of the time, we can
introduce it by mentioning what will happen if they continue doing
what they’re doing, like wasting a lot of time.

I’ve had clients say, “I’m done; I can’t take it anymore. I have to do
something to stop.” And this is when they are ripe for the change.
They are motivated, deeply. And this motivation helps thrust this
desire to change into an enduring change.

The fearful person needs to see themselves from a different

perspective. They need to see themselves being fearful and seeing
how stupid they are behaving. I emphasize, how stupid they are
behaving. They are not stupid, because, in reality, what they were
doing was working quite well. It is a good plan for how to fear.

You can change what is done by changing how you think so the loop
stops, and you build in a new pathway that leads you to having what
you want: more freedom to choose when to soften about the fear,
move on, and live your life.

A client came in one day and said, “I just saw myself looking really
sad, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I said to myself, ‘I have to
do something different.’” These were moments of dissociation. The
person became dissociated by looking at himself—literally.
When someone is dissociated, the person stops seeing things
through their own eyes and starts looking at them from a different
point of view. They are outside their own feelings. People do this
naturally when they ask a friend for advice, because the friend can
see things from a distance. You can do the same to find your own
comfort in front of your fears. Change is progressive when you
decide what you’re going to do with your time in the future, instead
of what you’ve been doing.

When someone has a fear of flying, they are guided to do some

things while in the window seat on the plane. As they look at the
wing, they float their attention so they watch themselves sitting
there looking at the wing. This is after they look at themselves
freaking out and decide how stupid they are acting, so that they
realize it’s time to do something smarter.

Some others with a fear of flying look at the ground instead and feel
close to the people down there. Gazing at a certain point on the
ground makes them feel grounded. Others just point their attention
to a star. When their eyes are focused on what appears to be a
stationary target, they feel fine. Either way, their attention is outside
themselves, distracting from what was once feared.

These are some things that anyone can do on their own, or after
they’ve done the exercises in this book in case there are any residual
feelings from what they fear. The difference is that now they’ve
learned to be in control of themselves. For some people, this is all
they need to do—especially when they know how they’d rather be
when they fly.

A client wanted to stop drinking alcoholic beverages and feared they

would not be able to do this for a lifetime. And I said, “What is your
social life like now?” The person said that they went to the bar every
night after work for some drinks and then on weekends with friends.
I said, “When you stop drinking, what are you going to do instead?”
They said, “I haven’t thought of that.” I said, “Well, let’s start. After
you stop drinking, what are you going to do every night after work?”
And the client came up with some hobbies for the week-nights and
weekends he could do instead.

If other options for a social life had not been created and pursued,
those nights and weekends may have become so lonely that the
person might have reverted back to drinking, feeling like a failure
when it would have been just a matter of poor planning. Imagination
is one of your most powerful tools for creating the life you want. As
you think or do in this moment, think of how it will affect your
future.

After you create things to do in the future, the motivation to do

them grows as you do things you didn’t do before because it feels so
good to do them. The person who stopped drinking alcoholic
beverages had wasted enough time with drunken, empty states of
mind. Suddenly, this person found a valuable purpose in becoming a
volunteer mentor to young professionals.

A woman came to my office terrified of clowns. She was sweating,

panting, and crying, although no clown was in sight. Her motivation
for overcoming her phobia was her kids. She was sick and tired of
feeling this way because in all of the years that her kids had gone to
the circus, they had gone without her. All the photos of her kids at
the circus had their grandma and cousins in them, but not their
mom.

She said, “I looked at myself and said, ‘I just can’t keep doing this
anymore. I want my kids to be able to dress up like clowns for
Halloween if they want. I want to watch movies with clowns in them
and laugh, and laugh with my kids when we watch clowns
performing.” When I had her watch herself being scared around
clowns, she laughed at her own behavior. And she was right to do
so. She realized that her behavior was so stupid that she could
imagine being around clowns through her own eyes differently. This
is where she became associated with the right frame of mind to start
being able to be comfortable around clowns. By the end of the
session, we watched clowns performing together, her feelings were
neutral and the phobia shrunk in twenty-eight minutes, simply
because she paid attention to what she really wanted.

I, too, get fed up with some of the excuses people make when they
explain why they are they way they are. I just look at them with
raised eyebrows and a slightly tilted head as if to say, “Really? Let’s
move on to what you really came here for—to feel good in your life.”

In my case, my getting fed up has nothing to do with fear, but it

propels my sincere interest to guide my clients’ brains into greater
freedom so they can make better choices for themselves and the
people they love.

When you are fed up with a fear and see yourself in a new light, and
you can see yourself doing the things that you didn’t do before now,
through your own eyes, into the future, your change is progressive
in a way that lasts as long as you want it to. You always have a
choice to make your life better than it was yesterday. :-)
 CHAPTER 3

Purpose of Fears and

Phobias

Fear has a purpose, whether negative or positive. Everything has a

dual aspect, and so does fear. Someone’s power can also be their
weakness in certain situations. Likewise, their weakness can be their
greatest power in a totally different experience. Some fears are
necessary, while others distract us from things we can do.

You need to fear fire to protect yourself and avoid getting burned
and maintain your activeness. You need to fear poison to avoid
getting sick and remain healthy. You need to fear being in a
dangerous environment so you remain safe. You need to stay away
from venomous snakes to avoid being bitten. You need to protect
your heart, your brain, and your money until you find the right
person to spend your life with and love them more while they love
you more. When you see this potential (really see this happening),
you have a greater chance of meeting and spending time with
someone who trusts you with their heart and whom you trust with
yours.

Is a fear of ghosts really worth having? I don’t know anyone who

was ever been fatally wounded or even injured by a ghost. Yet,
some have a fear of them, even though they have never seen one.
The picture of the ghost is big and moving in closer in their head,
and by changing the picture, we can change the response so they
make a valuable choice to be in control.
A phobia that is more common than people will admit is
phartophobia, a fear of passing gas in public spaces. Sure, that may
seem like a gassy matter to some, but in some cultures, this fear is
nonexistent, since they encourage you to pass gas because it is a
healthy release of fermented bacteria in your gut. They think that if
the gas is there and ready to exit, let it do what it needs to do. Let it
pass. How you perceive reality is sometimes not reality because our
beliefs, values, and identity shape our thoughts—the representations
we make of the world.

Back to serious fears: if the fear or phobia interferes with your basic
functioning, then the day will come when you are so sick of your
fears, you will want to change the fear so you can have a valuable
life, full of things you love to do. Moments are the currency of life.
The quality of your thoughts equals the quality of your life.

Fear causes stress, and stress can be eliminated by shrinking your

fears. When someone thinks that people at work hate them, they
fear their own ability to be liked. They are not thinking that people
like them, literally; they are thinking that people do not like them.
You can think that people like you at given moment just by thinking
so on purpose. Chances are, if someone is suspicious that all people
at work do not like them, it turns out to be just one person. One
person is far more manageable than a multitude, which means they
can lessen the fear and soften their feelings.

If you go shopping for artwork for your home, would you buy
images of the worst human behavior or would you buy images that
make you feel good? The same is true with your mind; by thinking
about horror, you sense the horror. By changing the horror into the
size of a dime in your mind and “blinking it black to white” several
times, you begin to soften the fear and turn it into something you
have more control over.

At a level not often thought about, fears and phobias prevent us

from living our purpose. If people are too busy inside their own
mind, they will live only within the thoughts inside their mind,
scaring the life out of themselves—literally. Once your unjustified
fear appears different and is brought to light, you are free.

When you get rid of fears, you are free to think about your life’s
purpose because you are investing the time you once wasted into
more precious moments to develop and achieve more of your life’s
purpose. Every problem in this life is temporary, while solutions can
offer permanent change to live your life’s purpose. At some point,
herein lies the question: What was that fear that used to keep you
from doing what you want to do?

With this is mind, fear is a lame excuse for not doing what you’re
meant to be doing. If there is no real threat, is this really a valuable
purpose for fear—or is it worth changing? And when you do change,
your possibilities are limitless because you have proven yourself
wrong about something you once justified as being true, as if it were
written in stone. Now, when your fear shrinks, you become the
water flowing beyond the stone.

Despite medical evaluation, some people are preoccupied with the

fear of being sick. Imagine if the hypochondriac could see
themselves as being as healthy as they really are, instead of how
they think they are. They’ve been told that they are fine, that all the
test results are perfect, yet they continue spending time getting
more results, which indicate that they are fine. Looking for tests to
confirm their fears requires a lot of time and energy that reflects
their own map of the world, not what it really is. Imagine what life
would be like if that same strategy of perseverance was applied to
their life’s purpose. It would be quite phenomenal. Because it’s all a
matter of energy; it’s where you direct your focus that will flourish—
what you do to be the person you want to be.

We can apply that same process to a different context and direct

that energy to your purpose in life. Your life becomes the living
miracle it is meant to be when you free your mind to live your
purpose.

One of the most precious experiences in life is observing the birth of

a baby. The process of childbirth is miraculous. And because of this,
you are a living miracle, and it’s who you are that becomes an even
greater miracle. Who you are can be changed by how you think and
what you do. I’ve met many educated people who have no common
sense, yet their opinion is valued as authority because they are
educated. Not all educated people are smart, while some smart
people are not educated. Who you are can always change by what
you do, starting with how you think.

Give birth to your own freedom by recognizing that fears are

reasonable in certain situations, yet they hold us back from our life’s
purpose in other situations. Some parents pass their fears onto their
children. Had they just learned how to think differently, both the
parent and the child would have a more meaningful life. A child
develops a fear from a parent because they mirror the behavior of
that parent. It has nothing to do with genetics; there is no gene for
fear. The brain mirrors activity and thinks it has done it itself. It does
not know the difference between what it sees and what it does; it’s
the same to the brain, especially if there is no judgment made.
Therefore, all fears, except for the two mentioned earlier, are
learned.

How valuable is it for suffering to continue into generations? When

you think more on purpose, your purpose is delivered more to you,
by you, for yourself— your loved ones, colleagues, and even
strangers recognize your value.

Allow fear to protect you when necessary while setting yourself free
from irrational fears, and start pursuing and doing what you can be
doing while living your life’s purpose. By thinking about what you
fear differently, you can change how you feel, so you can do what
you love to do with purpose—as simple or as complex as it is.
 CHAPTER 4

Choose Your Purpose

When you choose a purpose in your life with passion and weave it in
with a desire to master it, you can develop wealth in all aspects of
your life, intimately, personally, with your loved ones, professionally,
and with others. You’re connected.

More often than not, I introduce myself randomly to people who

have purpose and who have mastered their life with firm
commitment, and ask them, “What’s your secret?” The answers are
always very simple. They’ve kept life simple, even when financially
rich or not.

One person said they had a defining moment they can remember.
They realized their purpose in life was to have fun and have fun with
others, even if they had to lead the fun. It’s a message the person
believed in because it felt right. This person is not a millionaire but
happens to be one of the happiest people I know because they’re
happy and pleased with their life in every moment, because even in
the most serious moments, they remain centered and eventually
build up the fun again.

Another person I interviewed is a porter in a building. This person is

always singing songs or whistling tunes, and they are cheerful while
working. I asked what made their day go so well, and the porter
replied, “My mother told me that what ever you do in life, do it well.”
And the porter did; the building was immaculate. Your perspective
can be rich, no matter what you do in life, as you find purpose in
anything you do, making each moment valuable. When your
thoughts are rich, your life is rich.

And yet another person, who was worth billions, said they weren’t
happy. Is that the definition of success? Only that person could
answer this, and the answer was no because when the person
envisioned making tons of money, the picture did not include wealth
in all areas of their life. What you focus on flourishes. I have also
met very financially rich people who are as rich in all areas of their
lives because they envisioned it that way.

Some people who are financially rich, yet unhappy, have a singular
purpose: to make money. It does not include sharing a wealthy life
with loved ones, a significant other, or friends. In fact, their life
sometimes becomes rather lonely because their fears are too blown
out of proportion to handle inside their minds. But that alone is key
because any thought that is blown out of proportion can be shrunk
down to a manageable size.

It was unfathomable to me when someone committed suicide

because they lost $1 billion out of $3 billion during an economic
downturn. They feared their future loss as if they didn’t have enough
to depend on. That person had been running a movie of loss inside
their head that didn’t stop the loss. Had they known how to change
the process of thinking to start running a movie of gain instead, they
may have realized that suicide is a permanent solution to a
temporary problem. They could have saved their own life while
beginning to utilize the affluent resources they already had to make
the desired change.

Some people think that when you have money, it will change you in
ways that others won’t like. Others think that money is the answer
to everything. Either way, it is based in fear. When you live with
purpose, the currency of life flows and your life is rich. Whether
you’re a welfare recipient supported by the government, a spouse of
a well-off businessperson who spends their time leisurely at home,
or a wealthy person who has a lot of free time on their hands that
allows the mind to run rampant in undesirable directions, when you
find your purpose, it gives your life direction that makes you happy
because your focus is on not inside your head, but on others and the
world around you. When you commit to doing things that benefit
others, as well as yourself, all is good. Just do remember to take
care of your self along the way.

Often, people who live in fear have too much time on their hands,
and that time becomes filled with more fear instead of with
something more productive. Some can afford to be afraid; they
should get over it. Someone who knows they have to go to work to
support a family doesn’t have a lot of time to waste on fear.

Take the time to become more aware of how you are thinking so you
can think better and live with purpose. The time you spent in fear is
a distraction from living with purpose. The good news is, the past is
over. When you begin changing your life, you can go from having an
empty life full of fear to living a life full of purpose. By committing to
your purpose and having respect for others’ purposes, there is no
time to fear; you only move into the next moment, knowing what to
do next. The cycle of happiness begins to grow bigger and bigger.

By making the time to feel good with purpose in any given moment,
you’re doing better than the moment before. It only makes sense
that you will want the same for others. Dominance only depresses
people, and when we move through life with purpose, our
commitment to purpose strengthens not only for ourselves, but also
for others.

When you shrink your fears and free your mind, choose your
purpose so that you live a meaningful life full of whole moments so
that you are connected within the moments. When bosses become
leaders instead of just bosses, everyone thrives. The people they
work with are fine doing things they are asked to do; it just depends
on how they are asked. When these bosses make statements of
what’s missing in the work, often the people they lead are compelled
to fix it.

Some say that people fear failure. Rather, a fear of success is more
likely. When I asked a successful famous athlete what prevents other
people from winning in a tournament, they answered, “It’s feeling
that good. They just don’t know how to handle feeling that good.”
When you feel good about what you do, the joy is a thrill. When you
make joy—or whatever you want to call it when you feel good inside
yourself—a habit, you strive for more of these good feelings. The
thrill of joy becomes what you are familiar with, so you want more.

Stress is caused by fear, and it is recognized by the National

Institutes of Health (NIH) as the leading cause of illness. You can
change your stress into softening fears just by changing how you
think. You do not own your thoughts and their frequency is
changeable, quickly, just by becoming more aware of how you think
and then thinking more effectively. By doing so, you can live with
purpose.

This chapter was written for people who think that their fears are
sidetracking them. If fear is just an element of a part of your life
that you feel is there while you are already living your life’s purpose,
then move to Part Two of this book—unless you’re curious about
what follows between this and that.
 EXERCISE: CHOOSE YOUR PURPOSE

1. Sit in a quiet room, free from distractions. Choose one state of

mind that will give you the maximal ability to think clearly,
openly, and freely. (For example, confident, calm, and creative;
if it’s more than one word that describes this state of mind,
that’s fine.)

2. Feel that state of mind. Now remember a time when you most
felt this way. Close your eyes.

3. Magnify what you see, amplify what you hear, and intensify the
feelings you experience. Every bit of your being feels your
maximal state of mind for thinking clearly.

4. Float your attention above where you are sitting, so you can see
yourself sitting here. See the past behind you, your future
ahead of you, and the present moment inside you.

5. Float your attention back into your body. Go back in time, into
the past, to the beginning of time, and sense the state of mind
you have chosen becoming greater inside you.

6. Now float from the beginning of time into the present moment
now, having that state of mind. As you sense yourself having
this maximal state of mind for thinking clearly, enjoy it for some
time.

7. Float your attention from where you’re sitting to above you so

you can see yourself sitting here in your present moment.

8. As you look at yourself, ask yourself, “What is my purpose?”

three times.
 9. When you get the answer, float your attention into your body.
Hear yourself repeat your purpose.

10. Now, look into the future from this moment on to the next into
the day, the night, the next day, and into the week, into the
weeks that follow, into the year and the many, many, many
years that follow beyond that.

11. Along the way, look at all the things you’re doing based on
having the knowledge of your purpose. Sense what you need to
do to feel fulfilled with your purpose being fulfilled.

12. Bring your attention back to the present moment inside your
head. Take a few moments to settle in all that you’ve learned
and make a conscious statement of your purpose out loud.

13. Open your eyes and write your purpose on a piece of paper,
immediately. Keep it in mind for the rest of your life. Your
purpose may change. Begin to continue living your purpose.

* * *

Life is not just about you. This book is designed for you to shrink
your fears and shed your stress so that you have greater freedom to
live each moment, moment to moment, with great passion and
desire to get things done for the benefit of all, including yourself, the
people you love, and those you don’t, either, whatever that may
mean to you—all in the name of building your best so that you can
live your purpose. Now let’s start shrinking your fears, starting with
how you feel.
 PART TWO
How to Change Fear Into
Freedom
 CHAPTER 5

The Solution

Thoughts are the currency of your brain. Neuro-Linguistic

Programming offers a safe, quick, effective, mindful, and drug-free
solution to dealing with fears and stress because it guides you to
become more aware of how you think.

In print, the literary beginning of NLP began in 1975 when Dr.

Richard Bandler coauthored his thesis, The Structure of Magic, with
John Grinder. It offers the foundational knowledge of how people
experience the world and create representations based on how they
generalize and delete what they input of the world, thereby
distorting their experience that then guides them to do what they
do. How someone represents their inner world is often revealed in
their language. Who you are and what you do can change based on
how you think.

With this in mind, people who have fears think in relatively the same
way others do about fear. It doesn’t matter that different people
have different fears; how they think about it is usually very similar.
NLP guides us to reveal how we think so we can change what we
do, successfully.

I’ve been asked about what causes a fear. I just don’t care what
causes a fear because whatever you speak about only gets
reinforced. If I have you talk about the fear, it only intensifies,
reinforcing the pathways of these thoughts inside your brain. I don’t
care about who, what, where, why, and when you got this fear
because the truth is, the past is over. I only care about how you are
thinking now about your fear so that you can change your behavior
now and into the future. Instead of running away from what you
fear, you’ll have the space and time to create more intimacy in your
world, connecting more with what makes you happy, on purpose.

Great, big pictures of the things that are feared can be easily
replaced with the great, big pictures of what you want instead, like
being in love, being content, and having fun. People torture
themselves with the thoughts of their inner world when it can be
replaced with pleasure just by changing the pictures—their
representations— inside their head.

When you change the great, big pictures of what you don’t want
with great, big pictures of the things you do want, your life becomes
rich. When you have great, big pictures of a wealthy consciousness,
you don’t have to look for any treasure because it’s already built
inside your own brain; it’s just a matter of unleashing the great, big
moving pictures of wealth inside your brain. When you do, the riches
of the world are attracted to you, especially when you do the things
necessary to attract them toward you.

The brain works holographically because when you think, those

thoughts are not just inside your brain. Thoughts have a
broadcasting frequency and they surround you. That’s the reason
someone might call you on the phone just when you’re thinking of
them. Your frequency of thought travels. Change the frequency of
your thoughts to attract the frequency of what you want attracted to
you, so that what attracts to you is more than just a phone call.

Just remember, you have to buy the lottery ticket to stand a chance
to win it. So it takes more than just thinking about what you want to
attract it into your life. It’s important to do what’s necessary to move
toward what you want, as what you do moves it toward you.
The happiest people I know have no illogical fears and live with
purpose. And if they begin to have any, they dismiss them
immediately from their mind. When you know what you want in life,
you will do anything to get it, including losing your unreasonable
fears now. You will learn a well-established, step-by-step strategy to
lose your unreasonable fears, just by changing how you think. The
better you think, the more the natural biochemicals will be produced
inside your brain that give you the most natural high just from living.

Silly fear is nothing but an oversized thought that’s so close, it’s

overwhelming. When we shrink the fear and “blink it black to white”
several times, the fear loses its power, and that’s just the start that
gives you more control of your life so you’re in the driver’s seat,
wherever you may go.

Bad memories, too, can be so big they are too big to handle. And
when you shrink down the size of those memories, you start
changing the biochemical juice inside your brain from your thoughts.

Your central nervous system is made up of your brain and spinal

cord. From here, nerves extend out to your entire body. We know
that thinking takes place in your brain, not your toes. This means
that when you think, your thoughts influence how you feel because
signals are sent from your brain to the rest of your body. This proves
that the mind and body are connected.

Every skill outlined step by step in the following chapters will guide
your thoughts toward getting what you want. This is followed by a
real-life transcript from a session I had with a woman who feared
clowns so much that she left her child unattended in her stroller
upon seeing one. She was fed up, and in twenty-eight minutes, her
phobia was neutralized so that she could respond in the future with
reason.

Sometimes, we can use language that helps facilitate the change

such as this: “At times, you can even forget what it was that you
used to fear so that when you try to remember it, the fear fades
away because chances are the fear has already been forgotten.” And
when I suggest to people at the end of the change work, “Try to
remember what it was that you once thought you feared,” they
can’t. I follow it with, “Do you feel the comfort that you always
wanted now?” And, all the time, the answer is yes.

If you pay attention and follow instructions, you will have the ability
to diminish the power of any fear so that you regain power of your
life, with purpose. Let’s start now—if you haven’t already.
 CHAPTER 6

What Do You Want?

Too often, people talk about what they don’t want instead of what
they do want. This sets a direction for the brain that sidetracks from
what they truly want and reinforces where they already are. If,
instead, you talk about what you do want, the brain searches and
sorts through the world until it finds it.This is similar to how a
satellite searches for an address you’ve plugged in; it searches for
the destination and finds it. The more precise you are about where
you want to be, your ability to get there is easier.

The brain works similarly to a Google search. When you Google a

word, the internet’s algorithms find what you’re looking for. Those
algorithms provide a quick process to find it.

Your brain processes by thinking, and what you say is a reflection of

how you think. The content of what you think doesn’t necessarily
change how you feel; it’s how you think about the content that
changes how you feel. When someone thinks of a small needle, it
has a different effect than when they think about a needle the size
of a baseball bat.

The brain learns quickly. In order for it to learn, the information

needs to be presented quickly enough for it to detect a pattern. The
skills in this book are designed to be done quickly so that your brain
learns how to think differently.

If someone says, “I don’t want to have fear,” their brain only hears “I
do want to have fear” because it does not hear the “not” in the
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