All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello

All the Ways the World Will End… Copyright © 2018 Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello
All Rights Reserved
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ALL THE WAYS THE WORLD WILL END, PERFORMANCE: Professionals and Nonprofessionals are hereby warned that performance of
BUT NOT YOU this Play is subject to payment of a royalty, whether or not admission is charged. The stage per-
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BY
STAGE PARTNERS
IAN MCWETHY P.O. Box 7874, New York, NY 10116
AND www.yourstagepartners.com
[email protected]
JASON PIZZARELLO
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REQUIRED CREDIT: Anyone receiving permission to produce this Play is required to give credit Cast of Characters
to the Author(s) as sole and exclusive Author(s) of the Play on the title page of all programs dis-
tributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Hosts:
Play appears, including printed or digital materials for advertising, publicizing or otherwise ex- MEGAN TINDY
ploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. The name of the Author must appear on a separate ABEL MATTERS
line, in which no other name appears, immediately beneath the title and of a font size at least
50% as large as the largest letter used in the title of the Play. No person, firm, or entity may re- Additional Characters:
ceive credit larger or more prominent than that accorded the Author. The name of the Author
may not be abbreviated or otherwise altered from the form in which it appears in the Play. The
bio(s) for the Author(s) shall be included in any program that contains cast and/or creative team
Scene 1
bios. Author bios can be found on Stage Partners’ website at www.yourstagepartners.com. Cred- ANNOUNCER (voice)
it shall be given to any other parties, such as producer credits and commission credits, in the
form and manner specified in the Script. Scene 2
Stage Partners Attribution. Licensee shall include the following notice in all programs, adver- GUY (could be split to Guy 1, Guy 2, Guy 3)
tisements, and other printed material distributed or published in connection with the production GIRL (could be split to Girl 1, Girl 2, Girl 3)
of the Play: FINN
All the Ways the World Will End, But Not You CALEB
is produced by special arrangement with Stage Partners.
MILLIE
(www.yourstagepartners.com)
GLERB-GLERB (a puppet)
RECORDING/REPRODUCTION. Recording: Rights to perform this play does not grant the right
to make, use and/or distribute a mechanical recording (rehearsal, performance or otherwise) of Scene 3 Scene 6
the Play or any portion of it by any means whatsoever, including, but not limited to, audiocas- JULIA DR. LOWERY
sette, videotape, film, CD, DVD and other digital sequencing. Broadcast: Except for the usual CALVIN CHIP
right to advertise and publicize the Play by means of print, radio and television (in which no ra- PEEWEEGAN DR. HERMIE
dio or television commercial shall contain excerpts of more than 30 seconds), the right to per-
SURVIVALISTS DR. ALICE COOPER
form the play does not allow you to broadcast, televise, and/or electronically post on the Inter-
net any part of the Play, either audio or visual or both, including, without limitation, musical se- DR. KARYN ANDERSON
lections. Scene 4
Program note: You must include the following warning in your program: “The videotaping or SARAH Scene 7
other video or audio recording of this production is strictly prohibited.” KARL MS. ELLE
JOE
SONGS AND RECORDINGS: For performances of copyrighted songs, arrangements or recordings Scene 5 MEEMO
mentioned in these Plays, the permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obtained. Other songs, LAURIE
arrangements or recordings may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of CHRISTY Scene 8
such songs, arrangements or recordings is obtained; or songs, arrangements or recordings in the
public domain may be substituted. For further information on the need to obtain permissions, and
STEVE AUDREY
on procedures for obtaining such permissions, visit the websites of ASCAP (www.ascap.com), BMI LUKE ADAM
(www.bmi.com), and NMPA (www.nmpa.org). TANYA ANNIE
……………………………………………………………………………………………………… JACKSON
QUESTIONS? CONTACT US AT [email protected]

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Author Notes ALL THE WAYS THE WORLD WILL END,

Hello! And thank you for reading (and maybe performing) our play All The Ways BUT NOT YOU
the World Will End, But Not You. We hope you laugh and that the world hasn’t al- BY IAN MCWETHY AND JASON PIZZARELLO
ready been destroyed by the time you’re reading this. If it has, and you’ve stumbled
across this script in some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland, well…good luck to
you. You’re probably not going to make it.
A couple of notes. Scene 1: Ted Talk
You should also feel free change a character’s gender if you need to, along with ANNOUNCER: (Off stage:) Please welcome to the TED TALKS stage, Megan Tindy
any pronouns, to make it work. The character of “HARRIET” could easily be and Abel Matters.
“HARRY,” and so on. (MEGAN TINDY and ABEL MATTERS walk onstage, wearing appropriate Ted
If you have a large cast and would like to double cast any roles, that also is okay Talk attire.)
with us. Just go ahead and double cast as you see fit. MEGAN TINDY: Hello. I’m Megan Tindy.
Final note: perhaps in deciding to do this play, you and your cast feel inspired to ABEL MATTERS: And I’m Abel Matters.
make the piece more reflective of your personal feelings about the end of the MEGAN TINDY: Two years ago, we quit our high paying jobs as analytic experts at
world. Maybe you want to change “Cat” in a scene to “Dog,” or another animal Google because, after a decade of studying weather patterns and technology
you like. Well don’t. It only works with cats. (Just kidding. Change it to dogs. We and socio-political trends for the largest search engine in the world, we came
won’t mind…much.) across a profound and life changing discovery:
Please let us know how your show goes! We’d love to see photos if you can take ABEL MATTERS: That we are all going to die. And not in a “one-day-when-we’re-
them. You can reach us through [email protected]. old, -and-that’s-part-of-life” kind of way. We mean in a “the-world-as-we-
Thanks and have fun! know-it-is-going-to-end-in-a-fiery-blaze-and-almost-all-of-us-are-going-to-be-
wiped-out-in-the process” kind of way. Which is why we created—
~Jason and Ian ABEL AND MEGAN: SAVE US ALL INCORPORATED.
ABEL MATTERS: A company that helps you get to tomorrow, when tomorrow is no
longer so certain.
MEGAN TINDY: Our goal is to teach as many people as possible how to survive
the apocalypse, because quite frankly we don’t have a lot of time!
ABEL MATTERS: It’s true! According to my calculations we only have…3 years…2
days…17 hours…and 33 minutes left until the world goes kablooey.
MEGAN TINDY: So there’s no time to waste! Today, we are going show a variety
of scenarios that you may encounter as the apocalypse descends upon us.
Through these demonstrations, we hope to improve your chance of surviving
them. So that if a series of fire-tornadoes strikes your house…

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ABEL MATTERS: Or if a robot uprising comes to your neighborhood… MEGAN TINDY: The only reason I wouldn’t ever NOT check your calculations is
MEGAN TINDY: Or if cats everywhere begin to lose their minds and go after your when you’re being all weird and not sharing your data!
throats— ABEL MATTERS: Well sometimes the data isn’t ready to be checked!
(A nudge/look from ABEL.) MEGAN TINDY: We’ll talk about this later! The point is, according to OUR calcu-
MEGAN TINDY: —which is a real thing! I’ve done the research and it’s possible! lations, the thing that is most likely to kill us all is…an alien invasion.

ABEL MATTERS: Right, well…some of us are more afraid of a cat uprising than oth- ABEL MATTERS: I know. Not what you thought.
ers, but the point is you’ll be ready. MEGAN TINDY: It’s true. There’s a 34.5% chance that 88% of us will meet our
MEGAN TINDY: You’ll know what to do. And you will survive. end in the next decade due to an alien encounter.

ABEL MATTERS: Well, I mean statistically you probably won’t, especially if it’s a ABEL MATTERS: That high likelihood is because there are so many ways that aliens
meteor. can get us. They may come from above…

MEGAN TINDY: Right. We have no advice there. If a meteor strikes, there is a (Spotlight on GUY and GIRL stage left. They look up at the sky.)
99.9999% likelihood that everything will die. People. Plants. Squirrels. Every- GUY: Wholly smokes. Look at that plane, it’s so still.
thing. So let’s focus on the end-of-the-world scenarios where you have at GIRL: That’s no plane, Charlie. I think it’s…a UFO.
least a chance of surviving.
(The spotlight gets brighter.)
ABEL MATTERS: We plan on surviving. And with our help, you will too.
GUY: Look! It’s trying to make contact.
MEGAN TINDY: Let’s begin. Scenario 1:
GIRL: Hello aliens! We offer peace!
(And then the spotlight turns red! Which horribly kills GUY and GIRL!)
Scene 2: Aliens
GUY AND GIRL: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
MEGAN TINDY: I know what you’re all wondering—
MEGAN TINDY: Or they may come from below!
ABEL MATTERS: How do I subscribe to their podcast?
(GUY and GIRL now looking down off stage onto a lake.)
MEGAN TINDY: But also you may be wondering…what world-ending catastrophe
should we prepare for the most? Is it earthquakes? Super-viruses? Super- GUY: Jenny! Do you see that light coming from the reservoir?
vaccines? GIRL: Sure do. It looks like a portal of some kind! From another dimension.
ABEL MATTERS: No. The answer, according to my calculations— GUY: And look! There’s something coming out of it! And it looks friendly! Hello
MEGAN TINDY: Our calculations. friend!

ABEL MATTERS: Right. But I’m the one who actually makes the calculations. (And then the lights turn red! And they die!)

MEGAN TINDY: And I’m the one who checks them. And double checks them. GUY AND GIRL: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

ABEL MATTERS: Sure. When you actually check them. And don’t just say “yeah, ABEL MATTERS: It may come from anywhere. Literally anywhere.
yeah, I’ll check your calculations tomorrow” and then never do! (Lights up on GUY and GIRL. Sitting in two chairs. They are watching the mu-
sical Cats on an implied stage. After a few beats of a song:)

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GUY: I love musicals. (FINN opens the box and out pops Glerb-Glerb, which could literally be any
GIRL: Is this really just cats singing? hand puppet you can find. If you have a “dog hand puppet” for example,
simply add the line “He looks like a dog!” Glerb-Glerb makes a bunch of cute
GUY: You don’t like it? (GIRL makes a grimace.) Snob. chirping noises.)
(They watch for a few beats more. THEN THE LIGHTS TURN RED! THEY GLERB-GLERB: Meep-meep! Meep-meep-meep!
DIE!)
MILLIE: Oh my gosh he’s so cute!
GUY and GIRL: AAHHHH!!!!!
FINN: Exactly! From the first moment I saw him I knew he could never hurt me be-
(Lights out on them.) cause he has such big cute eyes. And now that we’ve saved him from my
ABEL MATTERS: But the one alien you really need to look out for, the one that is step-dad’s mysterious and evil laboratory…I’m going to send him back home.
more likely to kill us than any other kind is…the cute aliens. MILLIE: Send him back home? How?
MEGAN TINDY: Now if you go by Hollywood, in movies like E.T. or Star Wars, al- (And just then a spotlight beams down on them. [This could be done theatri-
iens are friendly. And cute! And have big eyes and big hearts! And just want cally with some other kind of light, or a flashlight.])
to be your friend before being reunited to their home planet.
MILLIE: Oh. Nevermind.
ABEL MATTERS: But do not be fooled. The cuteness is just a diversion to rip your
spine out and eat your heart! The most dangerous space alien you’ll ever en- FINN: This is it, Glerb-Glerb. Your spaceship’s come to take you back home!
counter is the one that looks like a Porg. Observe! GLERB-GLERB: Meep-Meep-meep!
(Lights up stage left. Not just a spotlight. FINN, MILLIE, and CALEB, three out- FINN: I love you too, Glerb-Glerb!
cast teens, run onstage. FINN is holding a box.) (FINN raises Glerb-Glerb into the sky, hoping to send him home. Everyone
MILLIE: Finn! Can you tell us what the heck we’re even doing here?! waves, says goodbye to Glerb-Glerb.)
CALEB: Yeah Finn, we need answers. Look, we’re a group of misfit best friends, so FINN, MILLIE, CALEB: Good bye Glerb-Glerb!/We love you!/Visit us again!
when you asked us to help you break into your step-dad’s mysterious gov- (And then Glerb-Glerb speaks, in a low, dark, weird voice [mostly likely from
ernment laboratory which is conveniently located in our small suburban a pre-recording, or whoever has been doing its voice].)
town, we did it. Because that’s what misfit best friends do!
GLERB-GLERB: Brother Glerb-Glerbians of the MOK-MOK system. The time has
MILLIE: Then we helped you steal a box out of your step-dad’s mysterious govern- come. Kill them all.
ment laboratory even though we didn’t know why. And just when it looked
like we’d get caught, the box started glowing and we all flew over the barbed FINN: Uh…what?
wire fence and evaded capture from a bunch of generic guards! Because (And then a red spotlight hits them all. They all die.)
again, we’re best friends! FINN, MILLIE, CALEB: AAAHHHHH!!!!
CALEB: But enough is enough! We need answers! GLERB-GLERB: HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
MILLIE: Yeah, what’s in the box, Finn? (Lights out.)
FINN: Okay. I’ll tell you. Just…try not to freak out. This…is Glerb-Glerb. MEGAN TINDY: So please, if you find a cute alien. Kill it.

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ABEL MATTERS: No matter how adorable it is. No matter what special powers it JULIA: No! Calvin! No more groups. We’re fine on our own!
gives you. Kill it immediately. CALVIN: Julia! Come on! I’d really like to join a group again.
JULIA: Calvin, every time we join a survivalist group they seem great and safe but
Scene 3: Zombie Apocalypse then they’re always worse than the zombies!
ABEL MATTERS: Okay, so now that we covered the possibility of an alien invasion, CALVIN: You’re overreacting. They haven’t been that bad.
we’re going to move on to the next most-likely scenario of our global annihi- JULIA: What am I overreacting to exactly? The Farm that was full of inbreds? The
lation…zombies. Hospital that was run by psychopaths? The Prison, which seemed nice until
MEGAN TINDY: I know, I know. We’re all kind of sick of zombies since they elected a leader who wanted us to eat people!
like…Walking Dead Season 6. CALVIN: It wasn’t his fault. Peer pressure can easily lead to cannibalism.
ABEL MATTERS: I just feel like it’s gonna go on forever! Don’t you? And what was JULIA: Calvin!
with that weird trash heap group that could only speak in their own made-up
language? It’d only been a few years and now you forgot how to speak? CALVIN: Look, it’s just…I miss people. No offense, but I’m getting a little stir crazy.
C’mon! JULIA: If we’re going to try another group, we just have to make sure they’re totally
MEGAN TINDY: But we have to be prepared because there is 23.3% chance that a safe and sane and not in any way likely to kill us.
zombie infestation could wipe out 77.7% of the population in the next year (A MAN comes out from behind a tree. He has a nice smile, carries/swings a
alone! Whiffle ball bat.)
ABEL MATTERS: But the thing we really have to be careful of isn’t the zombies PEEWEEGAN: Not today you won’t.
themselves. Most zombies are slow, dumb, and pretty easy to kill. The thing (CALVIN and JULIA are startled. They huddle together.)
you have to be careful of is joining the wrong group of survivalists after the
zombie apocalypse. JULIA: Who are you?

MEGAN TINDY: Something about a zombie apocalypse just makes the remaining CALVIN: Yeah and what do you mean “not today we won’t?” Were you talking to
survivors… very very violent. So be careful! us?

(The woods. Eerily silent. A YOUNG COUPLE runs on stage and collapse, PEEWEEGAN: Yeah. I was. I don’t know why I said that, I guess I thought it sound-
center. Dirty clothing. They’ve been on the road a long time. They’re out of ed cool but…now that you said it back to me I realize it doesn’t make any
breath, scared for their lives. JULIA pulls herself up. Tries to help CALVIN.) sense. Anyway. I’m Peeweegan.

JULIA: C’MON CALVIN! CALVIN: Negan?

CALVIN: I…CAN’T. (Almost crying.) I can’t anymore. PEEWEEGAN: No, Peeweegan.

JULIA: Are you…bit? JULIA: Okkayy… What are you doing with that bat?

CALVIN: No. No it’s not that. PEEWEEGAN: Oh this? It’s a Wiffle ball bat. For Wiffle ball. We love Wiffle ball!
We were just gonna start a game. Would you like to join us?
JULIA: Then pull yourself together! They’re gaining on us. We’re lucky they’re the
bumbling zombies and not those fast, crazed zombies. CALVIN: You were? With who else?

CALVIN: Maybe if stay here a bit longer, another group of survivalists will find us. PEEWEEGAN: Why, the whole team.

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(A group of other SURVIVALISTS come out from behind trees [or from off JULIA: Yeah, I guess not. (To PEEWEEGAN:) Anything else?
stage]. JULIA and CALVIN huddle together and back up.) PEEWEEGAN: Just one more. Rule Number 5. We all worship the Sun God, Ra.
JULIA: What kind of sick game is this? Ra—Atum—Khepri. God of Milk and Grass and Wiffle ball.
PEEWEEGAN: It’s not sick. It’s Wiffle ball. Don’t you remember Wiffle ball? JULIA: Okay. And when you say worship….?
CALVIN: Of course. But…you’re playing out here? With the zombies? PEEWEEGAN: Nothing too crazy. All we ask is that you pray to our Sun God on
PEEWEEGAN: We’ve set plenty of traps for ‘em so they don’t get too close. Our set- Mondays. You drink milk from our blessed llamas on Wednesday. And if you
tlement is about half a click thatta way. It’s pretty nice. Actually, we were just your team loses Wiffle Ball on Saturday, a member of your lineup must be
about to head back for some soup and sammies. Care to join us? killed. As a sacrifice to Ra.

JULIA: Join you? You mean join your group? CALVIN: Ah, darn it. You were so close.

CALVIN: (Turning to JULIA:) They seem pretty nice… PEEWEEGAN: That’s a deal breaker, huh?

JULIA: Do they? You don’t think the Wiffle ball bat is creepy? JULIA: I’m afraid so. Sorry, Peeweegan. And Calvin really loves Wiffle ball but…
I’m afraid you do in fact sound like crazy murderers. See ya.
CALVIN: This could be our chance. A new life. No more running. Friends.
(JULIA and CALVIN walk off stage.)
JULIA: Mr. Peeweegan. Is there anything we should know about you guys? Any-
thing creepy or…murder-y about your group? PEEWEEGAN: Well that stinks. Come on, folks. Let’s play some Wiffle ball. I sure
hope for your sake you don’t lose!
PEEWEEGAN: (After a moment of thinking:) No. Nothing dangerous and sinister
about us I don’t think. We do have a few ground rules though. Nothing crazy. (He leaves, swinging his bat and whistling. The other SURVIALISTS nervously
follow.)
JULIA: Okay. Ground rules like what?
PEEWEEGAN: 1. We don’t go out a night. It’s not safe.
Scene 4: Proposal
CALVIN: Seems smart.
MEGAN TINDY: So the point is, zombies are dangerous, but people in a zombie-
PEEWEEGAN: 2. No eating berry bushes. Some of them are poisonous. infested world are more dangerous. Got it? Great. Now for a scene about
JULIA: Good rule. what to do in the case of a Typhoid outbreak…
PEEWEEGAN: 3. No pets. Too many mouths to feed as is. (SARAH and KARL walk on stage, having come from a fancy dinner [so their
CALVIN: Understandable. clothes should be nice-ish].)

PEEWEEGAN: 4. Everyone must participate in the nightly reenactments. In which KARL: Nice night, tonight.
we reenact our favorite episodes of the 1982 series Knight Rider staring David SARAH: Beautiful night. It couldn’t be more perfect.
Hasselhoff. KARL: I suppose not. Well…maybe it could.
JULIA: Why would you reenact that show? (KARL gets down on one knee. He pulls out a ring.)
PEEWEEGAN: Because everyone loves that show. And we want to relive it for eter- SARAH: OMG! Karl!
nity. It’s the best show ever.
CALVIN: Okay… (Aside to JULIA:) That’s weird but it’s not dangerous.

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KARL: Sarah. I love you more than you can possibly know. You’re my best friend ABEL MATTERS: But cannibalism is much more dangerous than Ramen! 75% more
and I’ve known from the moment I met you that I never wanted to be with dangerous! So no matter how acceptable and cool it may seem, we urge you
anyone else. So the question I have is… to not eat your fellow human beings, no matter how socially ostracized it
(AND THEN TWO CATS ARE FLUNG ON STAGE! They attack and kill SA- might make you feel!
RAH and KARL who wrestle them [fruitlessly] to the ground. But the CATS (LAURIE and CHRISTY walk on stage, mid-conversation.)
WIN. The cats always win.) LAURIE: It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with people, it’s just that I legitimately
MEGAN TINDY: Gotchya! Typhoid has been curable for years! It’s cats we need to have a lot of homework to do.
worry about. They could strike at any minute so don’t let your guard down for CHRISTY: Yeah. So do I. But it’s Friday, Laurie. It’s not going to kill you to go to a
a second! party for an hour then do your homework.
ABEL MATTERS: Right. I mean by my calculations there’s only a .00023% chance LAURIE: It might! You don’t know how awkward I am in social situations. My
of a cat-killing spree but— awkwardness may be so bad that I could have a heart attack and drop dead!
MEGAN TINDY: That’s still more more than Typhoid! CHRISTY: That’s why we’re meeting up with Steve and Luke and Tanya. So that we
ABEL MATTERS: Sure. Let’s just move on. can go to Hannah’s as a group and not feel like such lonely freaks.
(Just then LUKE, STEVE, and TANYA come on stage.)
Scene 5: Cannibal Trend LUKE: Christy! You made it!
MEGAN TINDY: So now we want to talk to you about a way the world could end CHRISTY: Oh course! Wouldn’t miss a party at Hannah’s. You remember my friend
that you maybe haven’t considered. Through peer pressure. And cannibalism. Laurie.
ABEL MATTERS: Allow me to explain. We predict that in the next 7 years cannibal- STEVE: Whoa! Straight A Laurie. What brought you out of study hall?
ism will rise from an estimated .007% of the population to 25%. That’s right, CHRISTY: Hey, guys. Don’t be mean. It took a lot to get her to come to this tonight
there’s a 66% chance that 25% of the population will be cannibals! Oh wait. so just be cool.
No, it’s 27% of the population.
TANYA: Well we’re glad you’re coming. Seriously, we are going to have so much
MEGAN TINDY: Well which is it? 25% or 27%? Because that’s a difference of like fun. It’s gonna be a crazy night.
150 million people.
LAURIE: Crazy? What do you mean? I thought you said we were just going to hang
ABEL MATTERS: It’s 27%! Okay. And I wouldn’t be second guessing myself if out? You guys know that I don’t drink or smoke or—
you’d just respond to my text messages about checking my work.
LUKE: Whoa, whoa, whoa…who said anything about that. We’re just gonna hang
MEGAN TINDY: I did respond! And you responded with an emoji of a devil face! out, maybe play a game or two and…devour some human flesh.
ABEL MATTERS: That’s my way of telling you the data wasn’t ready! EVERYONE: Yeah that’s all!/Come on/No one said anything about drinking…
MEGAN TINDY: Oh my God! We’ll talk about this later. The point is, in 7 years LAURIE: Christy can I talk to you. Alone.
people are going to start eating people. It’s gonna be a huge trend. Like Ra-
men. Or fidget spinners. At first it will seem weird and annoying. But the (CHRISTY, embarrassed/annoyed, excuses herself with LAURIE.)
more people that do it, the more it will become normalized. CHRISTY: Sorry guys we’ll just be a second. (To LAURIE:) Laurie you’re embarrass-
ing me!

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LAURIE: You said that these guys were cool and wouldn’t peer pressure me! CHRISTY: That’s not true. What about my step-brother Charlie?
CHRISTY: Yeah but…come on, it’s just cannibalism! LAURIE: Charlie was eaten by a bear! That’s totally different!
LAURIE: It’s not just cannibalism! Sure, it starts out innocent enough: a dead guy’s CHRISTY: Look, if you want don’t want to eat people you don’t have to. I just
toe here or a vagrant’s eyeball there. But then before you know it, all I’ll want know how long you’ve had a crush on Derek so…it’s up to you.
to eat is human flesh and then that’s all anybody wants to eat and then there (LAURIE thinks, dramatically.)
are no more people left because we ate all the people!
LAURIE: Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry I just…I have a lot of anxiety but, you’re
CHRISTY: Oh my gawd, you sound like my mom! right. Let’s do it. Let’s eat some people!
LAURIE: Well sometimes parents are right! Because I really, really don’t believe in CHRISTY: Yes! You will not regret it, I promise!
eating people.
(CHRISTY leads LAURIE over to the group.)
CHRISTY: Look, if you don’t want to eat anyone, you don’t have to. But don’t
judge the people who do because…it’s really not as bad as you think. It’s just CHRISTY: Okay guys! We’re in!
fun and it doesn’t hurt anybody. (The GROUP cheers/ad libs approval.)
LAURIE: Except for the person you’re eating! LUKE: You won’t regret it! Eating people is like so much better than eating other
CHRISTY: Yes! Okay! “Except the person I’m eating.” Fine. Look, if you don’t want things.
to eat a person, don’t eat a person. You can just come and sit in a corner like STEVE: Eating people 2018!!!! [or whatever year it is] WOOO!!!!!
you always do. And then, if you don’t get to talk to Derek…so be it. (They all woo!! And saunter off stage to eat a person and party.)
LAURIE: Wait…you didn’t tell me that Derek would be there. (Lights out on that scene. Back to ABEL and MEGAN.)
CHRISTY: Yeah. He is. And he said he was really looking forward to seeing you at ABEL MATTERS: So remember: anyone who pressures you into eating a fellow hu-
the party while also eating another human being, because Derek is SO into man isn’t really your friend. More than likely they just want to eat you.
cannibalism these days, but I guess…he’ll just have to eat a person with
somebody else. (Beat. They let the moment sink in.)

LAURIE: Derek said that. MEGAN TINDY: Okay! What’s next?!

CHRISTY: Yeah. To Jenny in 3rd period and he like…really really thinks you’re
cute and he also really loves eating humans. Especially their calf muscles. Scene 6: Lonely Planet
(LAURIE walks away, takes a moment to herself. But so CHRISTY can still ABEL MATTERS: So the next way to survive the apocalypse is: don’t lie on your re-
hear her.) sume. Okay? Don’t do it, it could be really really bad. Next—
LAURIE: It’s not that I’m against cannibalism all the time. I think in extreme cir- MEGAN TINDY: —Actually I think we need to better explain that one.
cumstances where there’s absolutely no way you’d survive and the person ABEL MATTERS: Yeah, everyone looks pretty confused. You want to take the lead?
has already died…cannibalism is acceptable. It’s just… I have a family history
of cannibalism. My grandfather was a cannibal and he ate three of my cous- MEGAN TINDY: Sure. So as you’re starting to realize, the planet isn’t gonna last
ins, one of whom I was really close to so…it’s not as easy for me as it is for much longer. I mean between the climate going bonkers, and inevitable alien
you. You’ve never had a family member eaten alive. invasion, and cannibalism, there is a 99.3% chance that we’re going to have
to leave this planet and start somewhere else

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 All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello

ABEL MATTERS: Don’t you mean 99.2% chance. No wait. You’re right. 99.3%. DR. HERMIE: Hello. I’m honored to be here. I’m Dr. Stan Hermie. I’ve been an as-
Wait are you… No you’re right. It’s 99.3 (Realizing MEGAN is glaring at tronaut for thirteen years and I’m the flight surgeon.
him:) What? (The introductions go around the circle.)
MEGAN TINDY: Nothing. The point is…pretty soon we’re gonna have to get out of DR. ALICE COOPER: Hi. Dr. Alice Cooper. “Coop” as most call me. I’m the sys-
here and repopulate our species on…Mars! Sure it’s not ideal, it’s way too tems navigator and a terraforming chemist.
cold and the scenery is basically the worst parts of Arizona, but…what choice
do we have. If we want to survive, we’re gonna have to adapt. DR. KARYN ANDERSON: Hello everyone. Karyn. With a ‘Y’. Anderson. PHD. MD.
ESQ. I’m a thermonuclear physicist and aspiring cosmologist.
ABEL MATTERS: And if we hope to colonize and repopulate a new planet, we’re
gonna have to bring our A-game. That means recruiting the most brilliant sci- CHIP: Hello. I’m Chip. With a ‘Ch’. Doctor Chip Mentor. I’m a scientist. Which is
entists, botanists, and engineers to send to Mars. Only the best of the best will why I’m here. Like all of you I get everything about science in a very tech-
do! nical way. I have degrees in…scienc…ing and I am also a doctor. Primary
Care, mostly. Specializing in…Urgent Care. Yes.
MEGAN TINDY: Which is why it’s so important that if we send a crew to Mars in
the hopes of saving our species that you never, ever, EVER lie on your re- (DR. LOWERY is flipping through her binder.)
sume. DR. LOWERY: Very humble, Dr. Mentor. I believe you’re also a gifted systems en-
(A habitat on a distant planet. A small GROUP OF SCIENTISTS gather in the gineer and a geneticist.
center of a command control room. This is their first time in the room, and CHIP: Yep. Forgot about those. I love systems so much. And genetics is like…
they are looking around etc. One of the SCIENTISTS steps forward, DR. “Wow!” Ya know. It’s great.
MINDY LOWERY, the commander.) DR. LOWERY: Well we’re lucky to have you. All of you. You were all chosen for
DR. LOWERY: Everyone, if I could please have your attention. this mission because you each possess a specific set of skills required to make
(They turn, and gather around.) this planet habitable. Without you, any of you, we will fail. The fate of hu-
manity is in our hands. So let’s get to work!
DR. LOWERY: Thank you. My name is Doctor Mindy Lowery and welcome to the
Mars station Exxon-12. As your mission commander of Team Blue Water, it (They all turn to their stations and busying themselves with their work. CHIP
will be my responsibility to make sure our crew works as a cohesive whole. sits at a computer. Not sure what to do.)
As you know, our mission is to establish this command center and stabilize DR. LOWERY: No time to waste, Dr. Mentor. Those system matrixes aren’t going to
the crystalline formation in the Cydonia region, which is necessary for future analyze themselves.
human colonization. CHIP: No. No of course not…
CHIP: Yes! (CHIP starts fiddling with a computer.)
(They all turn to him.) CHIP: I’ll just sit in this chair…at this computer system…and…start my analyzing.
CHIP: Sorry that sounds great. (He starts typing at his keyboard. An ALARM goes off.)
DR. LOWERY: No apologies necessary. We’re going to need all the enthusiasm we (EVERYONE stops what they’re doing and turn to CHIP. DR. COOPER runs
can muster. …Now, you’ve each been carefully chosen based on your skill over and furiously types some commands on Chip’s computer. The alarm
set, education, and life experience to be part of this team. So why don’t we go stops.)
around the room and each person introduce yourself to the group.

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 All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello

DR. ALICE COOPER: Chip! What in Mars’s name are you doing?! now. But we have to move fast or the entire sub-fielding lab could implode.
CHIP: Nothing! I was just trying to send an email before we got started and I Everyone know what to do?
guess…I set off an alarm? EVERYONE: (Overlapping:) I’ll reroute the neural lapses/reprogram the data
DR. HERMIE: An email? Through a C++ portal meant only for the reconfiguration spheres to beta?/Maximize our power supply but only in the C units.
of life support systems in Delta 5…that’s where you were trying to send an CHIP: Yeah. I think so. I’ll just write a few commands using my genetics experi-
email?! ence.
CHIP: Yes. Sorry. Is that…no good? (CHIP is about to type something but everyone stops him!)
DR. LOWERY: (Putting her hand gently on his shoulder:) There’s no time for games EVERYONE: NO!
here, Chip! I need you to reconfigure the oxygen filtration mechanisms and I DR. LOWERY: No, Chip. You’ve done enough. Why don’t you just…make us some
need you to do it now! lunch in the break room.
CHIP: Yeah. Okay. I thought maybe I could send an email first, but…I’ll do the ox- CHIP: Oh. Okay. I can do that. Sure you don’t want me to—
ygen thing instead. You got it.
EVERYONE: No!
(CHIP gives a thumbs-up. Everyone goes back to work.)
(CHIP leaves.)
CHIP: (To himself:) No mistakes in space. No mistakes in space. No mistakes in
space. DR. HERMIE: Dr. Lowery. What’s with him?

(CHIP is very cautious this time. He extends his finger. Tries to pick the right DR. LOWERY: He had really good references!
button. Then finally he presses ENTER. And an alarm goes off.) DR. HERMIE: Yeah but did you actually call his references?
CHIP: Ahh!! DR. LOWERY: Oh, who actually calls a person’s references these days!
(Everyone turns to CHIP.) (Then CHIP walks back on. Holding a container of yogurt.)
CHIP: I only pressed one button this time! I swear! CHIP: Hey does anybody mind if I steal a yogurt? My digestive track’s been all
DR. LOWERY: Dammit Chip! What button. weird ever since I got here, so…

CHIP: Enter! I just pressed enter! DR. LOWERY: That’s…not a yogurt, Chip.

DR. LOWERY: You pressed enter?! On a co-balanced PHP systems in the middle of (They sound of an alarm goes off. This time it’s louder.)
a celestial winter without any regard for the safety overrides…you pressed En- CHIP: But…can I still have it?
ter! (Lights out! RED LIGHTS!)
CHIP: Yeah. Why? Also no good? ABEL MATTERS: See?! See what happens when you lie on your resume?! We all get
(DR. ANDERSON runs over and types a bunch of important commands into killed. So don’t…do it!
Chip’s computer. The alarm stops. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)
DR. ANDERSON: I’ve put a patch on in the hyperbolic quantum frequencies which
should give us time to recalculate the pressure in the quadrant sectors…for

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 All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello

Scene 7: Sesame Street MEGAN TINDY: That’s right! Robots. And the thing you have to know if you want
MEGAN TINDY: And now we’d like you to consider the possibility if the Earth gets to survive a robot invasion, is how to spot them. Because they aren’t going to
thrown into a permanent winter and gets covered in 100 feet of snow. It look like C-3P0 or BB-8, all metal and wires and machine looking.
could come at anytime, anywhere. Even…during a children’s television show. ABEL MATTERS: According to our calculations, if robots take over the world, there
(We are basically on Sesame Street right now. MS. ELLE is a friendly neighbor- is a 89.4% probability that they will look just like us. So you have to look for
hood adult talking to JOE, a boy. the subtle signs that they aren’t human.

JOE: But the thing is Ms. Elle…I don’t like doing my chores. (AUDREY, ADAM, and ANNIE walk onstage. ADAM is on his phone.)

MS. ELLE: Well I understand that. Chores aren’t much fun. But you know who else AUDREY: So what are we doing later? Tanya wants to go to that show at the Penny
doesn’t like chores? Arcade, but I think we should just hang out at Tilly’s.

JOE: Who? ANNIE: Oooh, if Tilly’s still has those chili fries, let’s do that!

MS. ELLE: Meemo. Shall we go ask him about why he does his chores? AUDREY: Great. Adam, that cool with you? Who are you texting?

JOE: Sure! I love Meemo! ADAM: Just our group. Keeping them in the loop, they’re all down to go to Tilly’s.
It’ll be us three and…Jackson.
(They walk over to a box.)
(ANNIE and AUDREY stop in their tracks.)
MS. ELLE: Oh Meemo?! You home?
ANNIE: Jackson?!
(A puppet pops out!)
AUDREY: What are you crazy?! Don’t invite Jackson.
MEEMO: Yeah! Meemo home! And Meemo loves you!
ADAM: Why? Jackson’s great. He’s funny. He’s strong. And he always texts me
JOE: Oh Meemo! You sure are funny! back right away which is more than I can say for you two.
MEEMO: Would you like to hear a song Meemo wrote just for you! ANNIE: Adam. Seriously… How can you not see it?
JOE: (Looking to MS. ELLE for approval:) Yeah, sure, I’d love— ADAM: See what? What are you talking about?
(And THEN THREE CATS ARE THROWN ON STAGE AND KILL THEM ALL!) AUDREY: Adam. Jackson is…so clearly a robot.
MEGAN TINDY: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CATS! They are vicious and will ADAM: What? What are you talking about?
attack at a moment’s notice and don’t care if you’re a human or a puppet! Be
on the lookout for cats! Always! ANNIE: Didn’t you see that movie in health class? In a robot uprising, the number
one way a robot will penetrate our society and destroy us is by pretending to
ABEL MATTERS: Okay Megan I think they get it. be a human and attacking us from the inside.
MEGAN TINDY: DO THEY?! AUDREY: And normally robots are scary good at impersonating humans. But in
Jackson’s case…he’s terrible at it. Really terrible.
Scene 8: Robots! ADAM: Well look, I already invited him over. If he seems to be a robot we can
ABEL MATTERS: Just…take a breather with the cats, okay. So now we want to pre- bludgeon him into a heap of metal but I really think you guys are over-
pare you for the possibility of a…robot invasion. reacting.

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 All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello

(And then JACKSON walks on stage, and he could not be acting more like a (ANNIE, AUDREY, and ADAM walk a few feet away from JACKSON.)
robot if he tried. He walks in a stilted, robot way. He talks like a 1950’s I-AM- ADAM: See. Jackson’s a cool guy.
A-ROBOT cadence. He even has a metal claw for a hand!)
ANNIE: A cool guy? Have you lost your mind?
ADAM: Jackson! What up buddy.
ADAM: What?
JACKSON: HELLO ADAM CARMICHAEL WHO RESIDES AT 223 WINDSOR
PLACE. THANK YOU FOR THE INVITATION TO CONSUME FRIES. AND AUDREY: Adam! He’s clearly a robot.
CHILI. ADAM: C’mon, this robot thing again. Will you guys get over it.
ADAM: And thank you for responding to my text right away. You’re much better AUDREY: You really don’t think he’s a robot?
than these two selfish jerks. It always takes them like a day to get back to me. ADAM: No way! He’s just a cool, unique dude.
JACKSON: IT IS EASY FOR ME TO RESPOND IN A TIMELY MATTER, FOR A TEXT ANNIE: Adam.
MESSAGING SERVICE AND WIFI IS BUILT INTO MY MAINFRAME.
ADAM: Okay, name one thing Jackson’s done that makes you think he’s a robot.
AUDREY: What do you mean it’s built until your mainframe?
ANNIE: He said his brain was a hard drive.
JACKSON: RRRR—ERROR. I MEANT—IT IS IN MY BRAIN. MY HUMAN BRAIN.
AUDREY: Every time he says our name he gives says our address like he’s done a
ANNIE: It’s in your brain? Text messaging? Google search of us.
JACKSON: ERRR. ERROR. I MEAN—CASUAL PHRASE DEFLECTING GUILT OR ANNIE: His arm is a robot claw that he said he uses to kill humans.
SUSPICION.
AUDREY: He speaks like a stereotypical robot.
ADAM: Casual phrase deflecting guilt of suspicion! Jackson you’re hilarious.
ANNIE: And he’s clearly malfunctioning. He keeps saying “error” all the time.
ANNIE: And what happened to your arm? Why does it have a robot claw on it?
(ADAM nods. Listens.)
ADAM: Hey, come on! Annie that’s rude.
ADAM: I don’t know. I just don’t see it.
JACKSON: NO. I FIND NO OFFENSE AT ANNIE, AGE 16 WHO LIVES AT 455
RIDGEMONT ROAD. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: I FIND HAVING A (ANNIE and AUDREY throw up their hands.)
CLAW MAKES A MORE EFFECTIVE TOOL IN CRUSHING THE SKULL OR ANNIE: Fine. You hang out with Jackson if you like. But I’m not risking it.
SEVERING THE SPINE OF A HUMAN I WISH TO TERMINATE. AUDREY: Robots are trying to kill us all and clearly that’s what Jackson wants! So if
AUDREY: What?! you want to hang out with him, count us out!
JACKSON: RRR—ERROR. I MEAN—CASUAL PHRASE DEFLECTING GUILT OR (ANNIE and AUDREY walk off stage. ADAM walks back to JACKSON.)
SUSPICION. ADAM: Sorry man. My friends are just really really close-minded so, it looks like
ADAM: Ha ha! Callback! Remember when he said that earlier? it’s just you and me.
AUDREY: Uh…okay. Adam, can we talk to you over here for a sec. JACKSON: NO PROBLEM. LESS PEOPLE MEANS LESS RESISTANCE.
ADAM: Uh, sure. We’ll be right back. (JACKSON takes his claw arm and puts it around ADAM’s neck.)
JACKSON: IT IS NO PROBLEM. MY BATTERY CYCLE IS FIVE TIMES THAT OF
YOURS. I CAN WAIT.

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ADAM: Ha ha! Oh man you are so weird. Anyway, I don’t know what you want to MEGAN TINDY: (In his face:) Then when is the time or place?! Is it when your be-
do tonight but I have a few ideas…um…hey your claw’s getting a little tight loved childhood pet cat Smoo takes a bite out of your cheek? Or is it some-
around my neck, bud. time before that?!
JACKSON: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. ABEL MATTERS: Let’s just…refocus, okay? Because we still have so many more
ADAM: Wait a minute! I get what’s going on here! disasters to get through! We didn’t even get to weather disasters like bliz-
zards, tornados, floods, and wet leaves.
(ADAM rips off Jackson’s claw hand and threatens to use it as a weapon
against JACKSON). MEGAN TINDY: Wet leaves?

JACKSON: WAIT! YOU MISUNDERSTOOD! I WAS JUST GIVING YOU A FRIEND ABEL MATTERS: Wet leaves kill. Slippery road conditions. By my calculations
NECK SQUEEZE! there’s a .08% chance that wet leaves could cause a world-wide car crash
that could kill us all.
ADAM: Yeah right! A friend neck squeeze isn’t a thing Jackson! You’re a robot!
Darn it! MEGAN TINDY: Well if it’s only a .08% chance, I think we can just skip it.

JACKSON: OKAY ADAM. THAT’S ENOUGH. GIVE ME MY ARM BACK SO THAT ABEL MATTERS: .08 is still higher than the .00023% chance “we all die by cats”—
I MAY END YOU. MEGAN TINDY: You tell that to Smoo! Cause Smoo didn’t care about the statistics!
ADAM: No I’m not gonna do that! You know why?! Cause the human race is worth ABEL MATTERS: (Flips through some notes:) Megan enough! We don’t have time
fighting for! Even for humans like me! Sure I’m gullible and easily manipulat- for this! We only have (looking over his notes:) um…huh, that’s interesting -
ed! But so is humanity! And even though we’re flawed that doesn’t mean we MEGAN TINDY: What’s interesting?
won’t go down without a fight! Because that’s what we do! We—
ABEL MATTERS: (Crunching some numbers:) Well according to my calculations
(And then two cats are thrown on stage and kill them both. Yes, even JACK- we may have less time than I initially thought… (Looking over his data. Doing
SON the robot is no match for a cat!) furious math.)
(Lights out on their scene.) MEGAN TINDY: Less time?! How is that possible?
MEGAN TINDY: You see! You get it now?! Even a robot isn’t any match for a cat! ABEL MATTERS: It’s just. Well. I may have made an error.
You have to, HAVE TO always be on the lookout for the vicious creatures!
MEGAN TINDY: Error! What do you mean error? I thought you didn’t make errors!
ABEL MATTERS: Okay, can we just cool it with the cats. You think cats are going to
kill everyone. The audience gets it. ABEL MATTERS: Not when you double check my work!
MEGAN TINDY: Do they!? ’Cause that guy’s looking at me like I’m crazy! But I MEGAN TINDY: You never! Ever let me double check your work!
won’t be crazy when a cat goes for your throat! ABEL MATTERS: I do! But not! When the data! Isn’t ready!
MEGAN TINDY: Oh you are impossible! Forget it, how much time do we have
Scene 9: End of the End then? Two Years? A year?

ABEL MATTERS: Megan! Seriously. There’s some kind of deep psychological hang- ABEL MATTERS: Less.
up you have with killer cats, probably something from your childhood, but MEGAN TINDY: How much less?
this is really not the time or place to work through that. ABEL MATTERS: Significantly less.

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MEGAN TINDY: Abel! In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet
ABEL MATTERS: I just want to say what an honor it’s been working with you. And And the wind begins to moan
even though we sometimes fight about cats or my calculations, you’re the
love of my— Memory, All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old da—
MEGAN TINDY: (Grabbing him by the collar:) HOW MUCH LESS TIME DO WE
HAVE LEFT, YOU FOOL?! (And then a cat is thrown on stage and kills GRIZABELLA! BECAUSE THE
CATS WILL KILL EVERYONE! Even cats from the musical Cats).
(Beat.)
ABEL MATTERS: It seems like I was off by three years…two days…and seventeen
hours which…is not great.
(A moment for this to sink in. She looks out to the audience. She looks back Okay, now it’s really the end.
at ABEL.)
MEGAN TINDY: (Way too calmly:) So we have…what…33 minutes until the
world ends?
ABEL MATTERS: Well, we DID have 33 minutes at the beginning of the Ted Talk.
But now it’s more like—
(THE WORLD ENDS. THE LIGHTS GO OUT! SOUNDS OF EXPLOSIONS,
STORMS, ROBOTS, SCREAMS, TERROR, AND CATS. OH SO MANY CATS.)

End of Play.

(Curtain call. The CAST bows, etc. in whatever way you want to do it.
Then…a spotlight appears on…)

Stinger
(GRIZABELLA, from the musical “Cats” appears on stage. She is singing the
song “Memory.” It’s beautiful.)
GRIZABELLA:
Midnight, not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone

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 All the Ways the World Will End… by Ian McWethy and Jason Pizzarello

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

IAN MCWETHY’S (The Day the Internet Died, Every U.S. Election Ever, Last Day of School,
15 Minutes of YouTube Fame, Every Novel You Read in High School (in 25 Minutes or
Less), When Bad Things Happen to Good Actors) other plays include Moral Values…,
Actors are Stupid, Bad Auditions by Bad Actors, and 12 Incompetent Jurors!, Twenty one
of his one-act plays have been published by Playscripts, Inc. and have been performed in
all fifty states as well as Canada, Australia, the United Arab Emirates, England, Cambodia,
Philippines, Azerbaijan, South Korea, Pakistan, the Marshall Islands, Qatar, Portugal,
Brazil, Italy and Saudia Arabia. He’s also written several screenplays, sitcom pilots, short
films, and a webseries. He’s happily married to Carrie McCrossen and splits his time be-
tween California and New York. Mr. McWethy is represented by Cartel Management.

JASON PIZZARELLO’S (The 24 Days Before Christmas, The Day the Internet Died, My First
Lockdown, Spoon River, When Bad Things Happen to Good Actors, Places in Five, 12
Angry Villains, The Graduation Project, 101 Breakups, Alice in Wonderland) plays have
been produced in all 50 states and in Australia, Austria, Brazil, Canada, China, Egypt,
Germany, India, Ireland, Japan, Kenya, Norway (translation), Pakistan, Portugal, Roma-
nia, Syria, Thailand, the UK, and United Arab Emirates. Maybe one day he’ll get to visit
one of these countries. When he’s not writing, he proudly serves as a logistics officer with
the New York Army National Guard and recently returned from a deployment in Afghan-
istan. He lives in Connecticut with his wife and two daughters. For more info visit
www.jasonpizzarello.com

ABOUT STAGE PARTNERS

Stage Partners was founded in 2015 by two internationally-produced playwrights who
wanted to serve young artists and audiences around the globe.

The two playwrights, Jason Pizzarello and Morgan Gould, felt that finding high quality
material for school, community theater or performance groups shouldn’t have to be so
complicated. Why should it be so difficult to search, select, and order plays to perform?
And why should teachers, artistic directors, and group leaders spend time and money or-
dering and reading plays that they ultimately don’t choose to produce? How can one de-
cide to produce a play he or she hasn’t read? How can anyone be sure that the play fits
his or her community guidelines, artistic standards, and producing capabilities? Stage
Partners removes that guesswork.
READ THE COMPLETE TEXT OF EVERY PLAY FOR FREE at
www.yourstagepartners.com

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