Heal Your Anxious Attachment-Jennifer Nurick - MA
Heal Your Anxious Attachment-Jennifer Nurick - MA
Heal Your Anxious Attachment-Jennifer Nurick - MA
“This book speaks to the heart of anyone who’s ever felt the pang of
relational anxiety and self-doubt. The author doesn’t just tell, she
empathetically walks alongside you through every step, leading with
her own vulnerability, wisdom, and therapeutic insight. This book
doesn’t merely explain theories; it resonates on a deeply emotional
level, providing holistic, trauma-informed strategies to guide you
toward healing and secure connection.”
—Matthias Barker, LMHC, cofounder and CEO of the Trauma
Institute “By skillfully guiding us through the emotionally
vulnerable terrain and helping us discover our attachment
style, this book encourages growth while the child within
feels lovingly held. It’s connected, and it’s a unique and
enriching read.”
“This book speaks to the heart of anyone who’s ever felt the pang of
relational anxiety and self-doubt. The author doesn’t just tell, she
empathetically walks alongside you through every step, leading with
her own vulnerability, wisdom, and therapeutic insight. This book
doesn’t merely explain theories; it resonates on a deeply emotional
level, providing holistic, trauma-informed strategies to guide you
toward healing and secure connection.”
—Matthias Barker, LMHC, cofounder and CEO of the Trauma
Institute
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject
matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering
psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is
needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
New Harbinger Publications is an employee-owned company.
Copyright © 2024 by Jennifer Nurick
Reveal Press
An imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5720 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
All Rights Reserved
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Georgia Kolias
Edited by Gretel Hakanson
Introduction
Chapter 1. Your Anxious Attachment Is an Adaptation
Chapter 2. Find a Safe Haven in Your Body
Chapter 3. Your Mind Can Script Your Future
Chapter 4. Heal Emotionally with a New Parenting Experience
Chapter 5. Spiritual Longing for Compassion and Connection with Ancestors
Chapter 6. How Co-Regulation Cultivates Secure Intimacy
Chapter 7. Reaching Out for Connection
Chapter 8. When Your Anxiety Is Triggered in Relationship
Chapter 9. Boundaries Aren’t Just for Other People
Chapter 10. Communicate Through Your Anxiety
Chapter 11. Meaningful Connections in the World Abound
Acknowledgments
References
INTRODUCTION
You are not broken, in need of fixing. You are deeply hurt,
in need of care.
—Arielle Schwartz, The Complex PTSD Workbook
You have been drawn to this book because you are ready to heal your
anxious attachment and the shame, confusion, disconnection, and pain
accompanying it. Anxious attachment pain may be triggered in a variety of
ways, but the experience is familiar. Let’s say your partner unexpectedly
receives a text from their ex. Your heart pounds, and your mind starts racing
at a hundred miles an hour: How long have they been talking? Has he been
cheating on me? Is he going to leave me? You are flooded with emotion.
When you ask about the message, you are already shouting because you
have assumed the worst. Your partner responds defensively and dismisses
(rather than reassures) you. You threaten to leave the relationship. This is
the last thing you want, but you seem to have no control over your behavior
and can’t calm down.
Afterward, you panic, terrified that your partner is going to break up
with you for your “crazy” behavior. You feel confused and ashamed about
how you reacted. I’m messed up; there’s something wrong with me. I’m
going to be alone forever. These thoughts are like a knife to your heart,
damaging your sense of self-worth and ability to trust yourself. You just
need to be reassured that your partner is faithful, that they love you, and
that you are safe in the relationship.
Sometimes you receive this reassurance. Sometimes you do not, which
leaves you in a repeating cycle of feeling out of control, even like you are
crazy. Know that you are not crazy, that you are not alone in this
experience, and that you are welcome here in this safe space with me. I
hope this book will help you understand and break these painful cycles. You
can create a strong sense of self-worth, self-trust, and self-confidence to
experience life and relationships from a place of calm and connectedness.
You are ready. You deserve this.
As we begin, know this: Your anxious attachment is a healthy
adaptation to a confusing situation. It results from your first experiences
with love and connectedness from your early childhood. This means you
make sense. To emphasize this, in this book, wherever possible, I have
changed the phrase “anxious attachment” to “anxious adaptation.” Doing
this emphasizes the root cause of this phenomenon as an adaptation, not a
diagnosis or disorder.
Imagine that as a child you were like a seed, landing on the forest
floor, full of potential. A seed will grow according to the light, moisture,
and nutrients it receives. It grows around the roots of the other trees and
finds pockets of nourishment. You were the same, quickly learning to adapt
your behavior to your surroundings to stay safe and survive. These
adaptations you made then will influence the rest of your life. They become
the lens through which you perceive and operate in the world.
Attachment adaptations are the result of experiencing different kinds
of trauma during your childhood. They include what some have called “big-
T trauma,” such as abuse, neglect, domestic violence, living in a war zone.
They also encompass “small-t trauma,” like ongoing bullying, feeling
unloved, repeatedly being told that you are stupid, or living with an adult
where there is little emotional connection. Don’t dismiss small-t trauma as
not being “real trauma,” small-t traumas build up, like a thousand tiny paper
cuts, and significantly impact your emotional development and the adult
you have become. Children “can be wounded in multiple ways: by bad
things happening, yes, but also by good things not happening” (Maté and
Maté 2022, 23). When you are in the moment, experiencing an anxious
attachment adaptation, and frustrated with yourself, it’s likely you are
unaware of the unresolved childhood trauma that sits behind it.
I know this pain well because I have lived it myself. I grew up in an
area peppered with alcoholics, drug users, and domestic violence, mixed in
with the friendly neighbors trying to do their best to live a good life. We all
knew the houses that were safe and the ones that weren’t. In my home, I
knew things weren’t right. But because it looked better than others and
because I was frequently told how lucky I was, I was convinced things were
okay. Still, a nagging feeling wouldn’t leave. There was something about it
that was not okay.
Only as an adult could I see that for most of my childhood, my dad
suffered with mental health issues. As a child, I was confused: Why didn’t
he love me? What was wrong with me? Why wouldn’t he speak to me for
days at a time? I learned to be vigilant around him, to watch for signs of
upsetting him, and to moderate my behavior. I learned that love was not
freely given, that love was conditional, and that something about me was
unlovable. My anxious adaptations around relationships grew out of this
fertile soil.
After I left home, as a young adult, I continued a pattern of landing in
relationships where I felt anxious. I fell deeply in love with a man from a
strict religious tradition. We wanted to get married, but both he and his
parents wanted me to convert. The subtext said: “We will try to break you
up unless you convert. If you do what we want, you will be accepted
(maybe).” It was a repeating cycle of unprocessed childhood pain.
On top of that, my partner was aloof and often felt distant, so I found
myself feeling anxious. Again, I was being presented with a situation where
something about me was unlovable. My mind would reason that it was
because I was not the right religion, but my body and heart couldn’t feel it.
As he mediated between his family and me, I felt alone and betrayed,
without anyone to support me. This is where I abandoned myself without
knowing it. I was so disconnected from my core self and afraid of being
rejected further that I struggled to set boundaries to protect myself.
This made me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ill. Through the
worst year, I cried almost daily, as I was increasingly in touch with feelings
that I thought I’d buried along with my childhood. I found it challenging to
regulate myself; I didn’t recognize myself and knew that I needed some
help.
This book distils many years of my personal and clinical work; it is a
roadmap to the work. As a psychotherapist and energetic healer, I have
walked with thousands of people on their journey of healing the anxious
attachment adaptation and finding their way to secure love of themselves
and others. While I primarily work with women in heterosexual
relationships, everything presented in this book applies equally to all sexual
orientations and gender identities.
Within this book, you will learn about the anxious adaptation, how it is
formed, and what it looks like in action as you embark on your healing
journey. You will learn holistic, trauma-informed, body-based methods,
mindfulness techniques, and “parts” work. The first half of the book takes
you on a journey of coming home to your self in body, mind, emotions, and
spirit so you can develop what I call an internal secure attachment. The
second half explores how you can learn to be in intimate relationships,
where we unpack co-regulation, triggers, boundaries, communication, and
other meaningful connections to help you build secure, flourishing
relationships.
This book is intended for you whether you have thought about therapy
but have not yet made the leap, or if you are currently engaged in
psychotherapy and plan to use the book as an adjunct. This book is not a
substitute for therapy. All attachment adaptations were forged in the fire of
early childhood relationships. They are interpersonal adaptations, so being
in the presence of an attuned, compassionate, and trauma-informed therapist
will expedite your healing process and allow for reparative experiences.
Moving into secure attachment is a journey. I like to think of this
healing journey as the quintessential hero’s journey, where the hero
embarks on an adventure, faces challenges, and returns as a changed person
(Campbell 1949). The healing journey is not for the fainthearted. It is for
those ready to look within who are prepared to observe and challenge the
old programming and gather the tools needed on the road back to self.
A cyclone may have hit your life and brought you to this book, as the
beginning of your quest. As with any hero’s journey, there will be moments
of fear and pain, out of which grow the gifts of your empowerment and
secure attachment. On this journey, bring the gifts of curiosity and kindness.
Curiosity, because it is an antidote to self-judgment. Kindness, because it
stops you from punishing yourself.
Know that you are not alone on this journey. An estimated 58 percent
of people have one of the three insecure attachment adaptations: anxious,
avoidant, and disorganized (Konrath et al. 2014). It is possible to move
toward secure attachment as an adult. I invite you to reflect on how far you
have already come and how resilient you are. Right now, as you read these
words, you have the power to choose how you move forward with this
precious life.
Gathering Your Resources for This Journey
When therapists talk about “resources,” they are referring to all the skills,
tools, abilities, and relationships available to you that help you regulate
your nervous system and bring you back to a place of calmness, and help
build resilience. I suggest you keep a journal as you work through this
book. There is no “right way” to do journaling. Use it in whatever way feels
supportive to you. Think of your journal as a private space to chat with your
best friend without judgment, a place to reflect and organize your thoughts
and feelings and help integrate the shifts you will experience. You may like
to use a journal with space for drawing because some of what you want to
record or explore may be more symbolic or come in images. There will also
be reflections and experiences from the writing prompts in this book.
A fantastic way to enjoy this journey is with a friend. You might know
someone who also struggles with anxious tendencies and choose to meet up
once a week to discuss a chapter and even lead each other through some of
the exercises.
The exercises in this book are structured to take your body, mind, and
spirit on a holistic journey, so you are encouraged to do them as you come
to them and not proceed in the book until you can do them, rather than
return to the exercises later. I have recorded many of the exercises as
downloadable audio files that you can access for free on my website
http://www.psychotherapycentral.health/anxious-attachment. Many people
find something comforting and supportive in hearing a caring voice guide
them, but everyone is different, and if this doesn’t work for you, you could
record the practices on your phone and then listen to your voice lovingly
guide yourself.
Every exercise you do in this book is an experiment. Some of these
experiments will become resources, an additional skill or ability that aids
self-regulation and helps keep you in your social engagement system (aka
“ventral vagal,” which you’ll learn about in chapter 6). Other exercises may
not become resources for you, and that’s okay. I invite you to use what
works and leave what doesn’t suit you. Many instructions will ask you to
close your eyes; this allows most people to go into a deeper self-reflective
state because some outside stimulus is blocked. But closing your eyes may
be uncomfortable. If that is the case, I invite you to lower your gaze and
soften your focus for the exercises.
Working with my body, mind, emotions, and spirit has helped me
create a stronger sense of self, self-worth, and self-trust. I have much
clearer boundaries and can communicate them more skillfully than before. I
feel connected to my core needs and values and have learned how to
reference these needs before taking care of everyone else around me. Even
though I still get triggered occasionally, I can return to a felt sense of calm
faster and tend not to get stuck in anxious reactions for days at a time like I
used to. That’s why I proudly share this work with my clients, students, and
you, my reader.
Despite the early difficulties in my relationship, I married the man I
mentioned above, and we have two beautiful, empathic, and joy-filled
children. We have both grown and changed since our wedding; we have
held at the forefront of our hearts the desire to move into deeper intimacy
with one another, even when it is difficult. Through the vehicle of our
relationship, more of myself has been revealed to me, and we have
developed a secure relationship that we both value and, with it, more secure
individual tendencies.
An unexpected by-product of this healing work has been a deep sense
of inner peace and connectedness that extends to all living beings, which
has fueled a desire to serve others. We commonly do the healing work on
ourselves first and are drawn to help others as a result. Allow yourself the
time you need for your own healing.
It might be that your anxious adaptation is revealed to be one of your
biggest gifts, as it was for me; my greatest pain pulled me into a future I
could only have imagined. Know that I am with you every step of the way
on this journey, cheering you on. You can do this.
CHAPTER 1.
He walks in the room, and you know something is wrong. He’s angry. Have
you done something? Is he angry with you? What can you do to fix it? You
act casual, but you are watching him like a hawk in your peripheral vision.
He says he had a bad day at work and his boss is being an idiot. He doesn’t
look at you while he’s speaking. He’s making some tea. He feels distant.
You feel tense. You can’t relax until you feel closer to him. You don’t feel
safe. You try to talk to him about his day at work, but he says he doesn’t
want to talk about it and just wants to watch the news and zone out. You
follow him to the TV room. You watch TV, but you are waiting for a sign
that it is safe to get closer. You make some comments about the news to see
how he responds. He seems more relaxed. You reach over to squeeze his
hand. He squeezes your hand in return. You didn’t realize until that moment
just how stressed you had been. A wave of relief washes over you. The
relationship is safe, and so you are safe. Exhale.
When you have the anxious adaptation, scenes like this are typical.
You might have noticed in intimate relationships that you tend to be
hypervigilant about your partner’s mood and how close you feel to one
another. You are likely to be hyperaware of moments when your partner
seems to pull away and find that you have a strong reaction and struggle to
calm down until they feel close again. In those moments, you need
reassurance that the relationship is safe and that they love and care for you.
In the back of your mind, you are wondering if they will stay with you. You
feel that they are somehow better than you. It’s so difficult to believe that
they care for you. No matter how much they tell or show you, there’s
always a nagging doubt that they will find something unlovable in you and
leave. And that would be the most devastating thing. To be left. To have
your fears confirmed. You’ll do anything to prevent that. This is where you
betray yourself in big and small ways. It might be saying something is okay
when it is not or always putting their needs before yours. You might also
start to feel like you can’t survive without them, that they are the only good
thing in your life, becoming emotionally dependent.
Know that you are not alone in this experience. This is the impact of
your anxious attachment adaptation.
Attachment in Adulthood
Just as children have a survival instinct to stay connected to their caregiver,
research shows that this continues into adulthood with a drive to have an
intimate attachment figure (Hazan and Shaver 1987). A growing body of
research demonstrates the similarity of the child-caregiver relationship to
the adult-couple relationship (Zeifman and Hazan 2016). Researchers have
explored the patterns of infant-caregiver separation and found that intimate
partner relationships follow a similar pattern during periods of separation.
By the time we are fully grown adults, we already have an imprint of
how intimate relationships work based on our childhood experiences. These
form a template for our adult relationships, whereby we will tend to expect
what we received as a child and will have an automatic pull to respond in
the same way we did as a child.
Notice if you have a lot of 1, 2 or 3s. If you have a lot of 1s, you are
likely to be more on the avoidant end of the attachment spectrum. If
you have a lot of 2s, you are more secure in your attachment style. If
you have a lot of 3s, you are more anxious in your attachment style.
A secure relationship feels warm and safe, with room for exploration,
adventure, and joy. There is a general sense of both people caring about one
another and being available and supportive. Both people expect to be
valued and loved because this is what they are used to. Securely attached
people find it easy and desirable to be in a relationship and find a balance
between being independent and being connected—interdependent. They can
understand their partner’s experiences and listen to complaints without it
affecting their self-esteem, and they can be vulnerable and hold space for
their partner’s vulnerability.
Securely attached people can feel activated (experience strong
emotions and body sensations) and still identify what they need and reach
out for it in the relationship. When they receive what they have asked for,
they can accept what has been offered and feel calm again. They have
strong self-esteem and can self-regulate; this means when emotions come
up, they notice the feelings and have healthy ways to cope with them and
self-soothe.
Attachment Research
Research shows that secure attachment is associated with “almost every
positive index of mental health and general well-being outlined in the social
sciences” (Johnson 2019, 10; Mikulincer and Shaver 2016).
Insecurely attached infants are more likely to report illness thirty years
later than those who were securely attached, and insecure attachment is
linked to higher rates of obesity in US preschool-aged children (Anderson
and Whitaker 2011). In the words of Kelly McDaniel (2021, 63), counselor
and author, “hunger and bonding are inextricably biologically linked.”
When we are not receiving the bonding and love that we require, it is
natural that we try to fill this void in another way; food is one of the ways.
Higher attachment security is linked with more success in intimate
relationships, including friendships, less depression, and better memory and
attention (Hudson, Chopik, and Briley 2020).
The good news is that research shows that your attachment style can
change over time (Hudson, Chopik, and Briley 2020). It is possible for you
to create new templates of how you see yourself and others and to develop
new patterns of connection (Egeland, Jacobvitz, and Sroufe 1988). Creating
secure attachment is a journey—perhaps the most challenging and exciting
journey you will ever go on. It is a journey of deep healing and of coming
home to your core self. It is a journey of love, of falling in love with
yourself first and with your partner next. You begin this process of falling in
love with yourself by first paying attention to yourself in a new way, by
becoming more present and grounded.
Present
Look up from the book for a moment and let your eyes wander around
the space you are sitting in.
See. What can you see? You might notice large objects and
more minor details as you look around the room, and you
might notice different colors. Just notice what you see without
judging or starting an inner dialogue about anything.
Hear. What can you hear? Listening to the different layers of
sound around you, notice their subtle differences.
Smell. What can you smell? Notice the distinct smells around
you. They might be faint, and you may have to pay close
attention to them.
Taste. What can you taste? Take a moment to notice what you
can taste. You might move your tongue gently to get a better
sense of what tastes are present.
Touch. Notice what you can feel on your skin. What do your
clothes feel like on your body? Can you sense a difference
between the different items of clothing in texture or tightness?
Grounded
Experiment 1. Points of connection. When you are ready,
take your attention to the points of connection between
yourself, the chair, and the floor. Allow yourself to feel the
support of the chair and the floor. Notice how some contact
points have more pressure resting on them than others.
Choose one point that has a strong pressure and rest your
focus there. You may find your mind start to drift. This is
natural. Gently bring it back to your point of focus, knowing
that you are increasing your capacity for awareness and
attention every time you do this.
Experiment 2. The tree. Sitting upright for this experiment,
imagine your torso is like a tree trunk. Exhale and imagine
sending big thick roots into the earth below. When you inhale,
bring the breath and earth energy up into your torso. Exhaling
again, send the breath down into the earth, imagining the
roots going deeper and becoming wider. As you inhale,
breathe the energy up, and exhale, taking it down further,
deeply connecting you into the earth. Inhale and with the next
exhale, thousands of tiny root networks shoot off your main
root, anchoring you into the earth and connecting you with the
root networks of other strong trees in the soil. You might
become aware of tree root networks throughout the soil and
become anchored in that network and strengthened by their
presence. Continue this practice for around three minutes.
Journaling
Take some time now to write down your experience of these
practices. Is your mind calmer or more distracted? Does your body feel
more or less grounded? How do you know? Which of the two grounding
experiments did you prefer? What was it about that practice that made
you feel more grounded?
Noticing
Noticing is the subtle art of reconnecting with your inner experience and
developing an important part of yourself that I call the “observer” self.
The benefit of cultivating this part of you is the ability to have some
distance and an attitude of compassion when you are experiencing
strong feelings and thoughts. Noticing is different than thinking in that
you are not judging or examining; instead, you are being the
nonjudgmental, compassionate observer of yourself. When I notice
myself get angry and feel a wave of heat moving through my torso,
there is a slight distance between “me” and the emotions and
sensations. I think, Wow, I’m feeling furious right now. I can feel this
intense wave of heat moving through my torso. I have a sense of being
in my body and feeling the sensations and being an internal observer of
my experience. This usually reduces the sense of being overwhelmed
by the experience.
The main aim of this practice is to begin the process of listening to
your body. You will start to notice your thoughts, feelings, and body
sensations at any given moment. This helps with one of the core
challenges of the anxious adaptation: differentiating those feelings and
sensations without becoming overwhelmed by them. Over time, this
practice builds your capacity to experience a range of emotions and
bodily sensations and increases your general resilience.
It is difficult to judge yourself when you are “noticing” with childlike
curiosity. If you cannot remember feeling that way, notice with a sense
of kindness toward yourself or think of your best friend and how you
would respond to them.
Here’s an example of what noticing might look like after reading
this chapter: Wow! After reading about the anxious attachment style, I
notice a sense of relief and hope. I feel a sense of excitement,
expansion, and warmth in my chest. (The identified feelings include
relief, hope, and excitement. The identified sensations are expansion
and warmth and a location: in the chest.)
And there is something else. Ummm. What is that?... Ah, I’m
noticing grief for the younger me. I feel it in my arms, like I want to
reach up for a supportive and loving mother. Yes, there is an intense
feeling in my arms, like heat, and kind of achy.
I make space for both the grief and the hope and excitement. I can
hold both in my body and my mind.
Bringing your curiosity and kindness to the forefront, take a
moment to practice noticing sensations in the body and naming
emotions and feelings as they arise. This practice is available to listen
to at http://www.psychotherapycentral.health/anxious-attachment.
When you feel ready, gently turn your awareness to your body.
Notice the sensation of your body touching the chair. Notice
where there seems to be more and less pressure. Notice,
without judgment, how your body is feeling right now. What
sensations are present after reading this chapter and thinking
about your anxious adaptation?
Just notice whatever felt sensations come up without having to
move away from them—you are simply noticing and naming.
You might not feel anything as you sense into your body. Be
patient. Notice if there is even a tiny feeling of heat, tension, or
nausea. No matter how small the felt sensation might be,
notice it. Welcome it and inwardly say hello to it.
Be curious about what emotions are present. Name them as
they come into your awareness and notice where each one
might be sitting in your body.
Do this for around three minutes; then become aware of your
whole body. Wiggle your fingers and toes. You might like to
tap your feet lightly on the floor as you gently open your eyes,
look over your shoulder, notice the space you are in, and then
look over the other shoulder as you fully arrive back.
You might like to take some time to journal your experience of this
exercise.
Have you ever felt like your body is an uncomfortable place to be? When
you’re in an argument with someone you love, suddenly you are flooded
with a wave of emotions. The thoughts and the sensations in your body are
totally disorienting and make it difficult to think straight, much less hear
what your partner is saying. The panic running through your body can feel
unbearable. At times like this, your body can feel like an unsafe place. If
this sounds familiar, you are not alone. With your anxious adaptation, this is
a common experience when the connection in your relationship is
threatened.
This happens because you didn’t experience enough co-regulation as a
child. When parents provide a calm approach to challenges or conflict, they
help their child navigate the moment with a relaxed nervous system. The
calm nervous system of the parent acts as an anchor to help the child’s
distressed system to return to a state of calm. When there is little co-
regulation available, it is difficult to stay in your body; to separate different
feelings, thoughts, and sensations; and to remain present in the
conversation. As children, when we are constantly anxious about our needs
being met or we are raised by someone who is overly anxious, we
internalize this state of anxiety. There is no safe place internally or
externally. We are unable to find a safe haven inside ourselves. This chapter
will give you the tools to start to shift this.
This exercise helps you learn how to listen to your body, to start to
identify different sensations. The body is always sending us signals,
many of which we miss because we are too busy or distracted. We
have forgotten how to listen. Learning to listen to the body and to be
with contradiction in the body, the openness and constriction, builds
resilience. With time, we become more attuned to the messages
coming from the body, so they are less overwhelming. You can do this
practice as often as you like, I recommend that you do it daily this week
to ground this new practice in your body. You will build on this practice
in the “Somatic Healing: The Six-Stage Focusing Practice” later in this
chapter.
Step 6. Receiving
Receive what came from the felt sense in a warm way. Send gratitude
to the felt sense and your whole body and reorient to your space. You
might like to slowly look to your left and right and gently notice a few
things in your room and the sensation of your feet on the floor as you
fully return.
This might sound like: Saying “thank you” to the felt sense for all it
has shared.
Take some time to journal your experience with this practice.
Focusing is the foundation for many popular and effective somatic
psychotherapy modalities today. It has stood the test of time, and I have
seen it effectively change people’s lives for the better in my practice and for
myself. Here are some of the skills Focusing can help you develop:
A Secure Foundation
In this chapter, you have explored the current connection to your body and
begun deepening that connection by exploring what is present, both
comfortable and uncomfortable. For the body to feel safe, you need to be in
contact with its edge to have a sense of where your boundary is; you
strengthened this in the “Finding Your Edge and Exploring Touch” exercise.
You have also learned a powerful six-step practice of listening to your body
to discover your conscious and unconscious needs and wants and to be with
and process what arises emotionally. Using the skills you learned in this
chapter, you have the foundation for your body being your safe haven,
bringing with it more self-trust and self-worth, which translates into greater
calm, clarity, and inner security.
From this foundation of increased connection and embodied safety
with your body, you will focus on the power of the mind and your ability to
re-script your future, create new neural pathways, and break repeating
cycles in your life.
CHAPTER 3.
Jasmin walked into my office looking frazzled. She said, “I’m going
completely crazy. I’ve just spent the hour bus ride here stalking Manjit’s ex-
girlfriend on the internet, looking at who she’s friends with, and where she’s
been on vacation. I couldn’t stop myself. Deep down, I know she’s better
than me, which is ridiculous because I’ve never met her, and Manjit
dumped her. This morning he mentioned that she had worked at the same
place as our friend, and they knew each other. That was all he said. But I
felt this alarm go off. I wondered if he had been thinking about or in contact
with her. Then I wondered if they were still friends on social media. Then I
had to know…I just couldn’t stop my mind; it was out of control with
anxiety and panic.”
This is a common scenario when you have an anxious adaptation and
your attachment system gets activated. You feel that the relationship is
somehow threatened, real, or imagined. Part of healing the anxious
adaptation is learning to work on the mind and change old scripts of fear
and self-judgment. A script is a deeply embedded series of beliefs and
expectations about yourself, others, and the world around you. The more
you are the master of your mind, the less anxious you feel and the more
stable you are for yourself as a safe haven.
Neuroplasticity
The brain is perhaps one of the body’s most explored yet least understood
organs. What we do now know about the brain is that it grows and changes
throughout your lifetime and rewires with every experience, meaning new
neural networks are created as you develop new skills or have new
experiences. When you do something repeatedly, you increase the myelin (a
fatty coating around the nerves) on those nerve pathways, allowing the
signals to move faster. This increases your tendency to do that thing
automatically. Just think about learning to drive. After a year or so of
regular driving, much of it is automatic because you have built new thickly
myelinated neural networks.
Unless you consciously create new networks, you will use the old
ones. You might have an old script that says, When I’m sad, buy something,
and I’ll feel better, and every time you do this, you strengthen that script,
making it more likely that the next time you feel sad, you will buy
something. You do this compulsively because that is how your brain is
wired until you try to create a new script. This is why breaking old habits
and creating new ones is difficult. You must go against your old
programming while building a new neural network to support the new
practice.
As part of a research study, a group of healthy individuals participated
in an eight-week mindfulness-based stress-reduction course where
participants learned various meditation techniques (Hölzel et al. 2010).
Participants’ rated their stress levels before and after the study and magnetic
resonance imaging (MRI) images were taken of their brains. Participants
reported significantly reduced stress, and researchers found a corresponding
reduction of gray matter in the basolateral amygdala, which is part of the
limbic system (emotional system) and important in stress responses,
showing that as our psychological state changes, so too does our brain.
The good news about neuroplasticity is that we can influence our brain
patterning. Neuroplastic change requires us to first “notice” our natural
response, something you practiced in the “Noticing” exercise in chapter 1.
This gives us a natural pause as we enter the observer state and delays our
automatic reaction. Then we can put our attention somewhere safer
consciously.
How Your Thoughts and Beliefs Influence
Your Lived Experience
Look at this picture of a cat and notice what you feel in your body and
your thoughts. What would you like to do if you were to interact with it?
Now, imagine that you had been bitten or scratched by a cat,
notice what you feel in your body, what thoughts you have, and if you
still want to interact with it.
This is how our thoughts and past experiences affect our felt
experiences and our behavior.
Your childhood:
Were your needs for love, acceptance, nourishment,
encouragement, and safety met?
If not, why not?
How were you disciplined?
How did your parents’ (or caregivers’) parenting style impact
you?
Were there any major disruptions, like the loss of a family
member, suicide, extended time away from your parents,
financial issues, affairs, or divorce?
What impact did these events have on you and your family?
Looking back, what strengths or skills do you feel you
developed because of your experiences?
What core beliefs might have emerged from these
experiences?
Your Negative Core Beliefs
What are your core beliefs about yourself? For example: I’m
flawed, difficult to love, and too reactive.
What are your beliefs about others? For example: Other
people are better than me, people leave me, and others can’t
be trusted.
What are your beliefs about the world? For example: The
world is unsafe, the world is unreliable, and I need to be in a
relationship to be safe.
Now that you have completed these exercises, you have a list of
conscious and unconscious beliefs to work with in the rest of this chapter.
I suggest you work with these scripts as you did in the exercise above.
For example, you might choose to work with When I reach out, others are
unavailable as your “unsupportive belief.” Perhaps, When I reach out,
people are available and able to assist is your “more supportive belief.”
Finding the Antidote Experiences and Memories
—Real or Imagined
When we have experienced a difficult childhood, there is a tendency to
focus the spotlight of the mind on the things that were harmful. A powerful
part of working with our mind is to practice having the spotlight of the
mind focused on positive experiences, what I like to call “antidote”
memories, to build new neural networks of positivity. For example, you
might have an expectation in your relationship that you will be cheated on
(part of an abandonment script). Maybe your father cheated on your mother
repeatedly, and every partner you have had has cheated on you, so you
expect your current partner will eventually cheat on you. Then you start to
challenge that script. Are there any times someone has been faithful to you?
Maybe you remember your best friend keeping a secret you told them. This
is a kind of faithfulness. You linger here. What does it feel like to know they
kept your secret? Then you think about past partners, and you remember
someone you dated for a few months in high school and that they were
faithful to you. You linger here, and you turn the spotlight on that memory.
What does it feel like to remember that they were trustworthy? In this way,
you start to harness the power of the mind, and rather than being a victim of
your unruly monkey mind, you become the master.
Many clients find it helpful to have a specific go-to memory to counter
a particular script. You might explore a few antidote memories and then use
the one with the most positive emotional charge. If you struggle to find
anything as an antidote to a specific script, imagine what it would feel like
to experience the remedy. For example, what would it feel like if you were
in a committed relationship with a trustworthy person? What would it feel
like to live with this person, to come home to them? How does your body
feel around them? What thoughts do you have about the person? How does
your posture change as you imagine this reality? If you have no lived
experience of faithfulness, you might find it helpful to find a healthy
template from a TV show or movie. Choose a character portrayed as
faithful to their partner, who is kind and supportive, and then imagine being
their partner. This is not to create a fantasy about a TV star but to fill in a
missing experience. If you have no experience of faithfulness in your life,
this can be considered a missing experience. With neuroplasticity, you can
start to fill in that gap.
Utilizing Your Antidote Experiences to
Change Your Mind
In this exercise, you will learn how to identify a target belief and
antidote experience to build a positive neural network.
Step 1. Identify a target belief. Choose one of your beliefs from the
“Discovering Your Negative Core Conscious Beliefs” exercise above to
work with. Let’s choose I’m difficult to love for a demonstration.
Step 2. Identify antidote memories. Challenge yourself to think of as
many instances as you can of when you felt loved, for example:
I felt loved by my grandfather. He was always happy to see
me and bought me gifts.
My dog, Oli, is always happy to see me. I feel love from her.
My high school friend Melissa cared for me. When our peers
pushed me around, she stuck up for me a few times.
Have you ever been in a situation where you are triggered and find yourself
behaving like a six-year-old? You know you are not being rational, but you
cannot stop yourself from reacting in the way you are. This is your inner
child taking over and dealing with the situation as a child would, from a
child’s perspective, with the tools and wisdom available to a child. The
inner child is part of you that remembers everything that happened in your
childhood and is still looking for the co-regulation that was inconsistent or
nonexistent from your caregivers. The good news is that as an adult, you
can now give this love, attunement, and care to your inner child and
effectively heal some aspects of the original attachment wound. In the
process, you will learn how to shift critical self-talk and amplify your
loving inner voice. This work is life-changing for your anxious adaptation
because you are forming a secure inner attachment between your wounded
child parts and your nurturing inner parent.
Journal Prompts
In your journal, write about this experience in as much detail as you
can. Consider the following questions:
How old was your inner child?
How did they respond to you?
What did they want to share with you?
What did they most like to hear from you?
How often would your child like to connect with you moving
forward, and did they have a preference for a time of day?
Integration
When doing the above meditation for the first time, you might have a baby
or teenager come forward to represent your inner child. I invite you to trust
what comes. If your child appears as a baby, care for the baby as you would
a real baby, talking with a soothing voice, holding them in your arms,
rocking them, and maybe singing or humming to them. If your child
appears as a teenager, treat them as you would a teenager you love and
respect. I find that talking to them in the language you spoke at their age is
also beneficial. When you listen to the meditation audio, translate it for your
inner child if necessary.
When doing this meditation, you may find it is difficult to stay
separate from your inner child and become merged. If this happens, return
to the meditation and keep separating from your inner child so you can
attend to them as your nurturing parent. Be patient with your process and
keep placing the inner child outside you and growing the nurturing parent
part of you that is caring for your child. With repetition, this becomes easier
over time.
Your inner child may be hesitant to interact at first. You might stay at a
comfortable distance to your child and let them know you are not going
anywhere and that you will be there when they are ready to make more
contact without pressure. By staying in contact with them and being
reliable, unconditionally loving, and nonjudgmental, your inner child will
learn to trust you.
Most people’s inner children have been holding a vast amount of
unexpressed grief, so it is common to feel a lot of sadness when you first
meet your inner child. This can be confusing if you think nothing terrible
happened in your childhood. You might be grieving the lack of care,
attunement, and felt love from your parents, not only major traumas. Or
your child might be expressing their sadness at being alone for so long. Let
the grief flow through and be expressed while you hold your inner child.
During this meditation, you may have had the feeling that you are
unable to care for your child in the way they need. As the nurturing parent,
your promise to your inner child is that you will try your best and get the
support you need to be the best possible parent. As a parent, you are not
perfect, and you won’t always have all the answers for your inner child. You
can promise that you will always tell them the truth and do your best to take
care of them.
Helping Your Inner Child Label Emotions
A ground-breaking study using functional magnetic resonance imaging data
to look at the brain activity of participants confirmed that “putting feelings
into words” had a direct effect on brain activity (Lieberman et al. 2007,
421). I can’t count the times I have sat in a session with a client and waited
with curiosity as they described an event and then tried to name the
emotion. It often sounds like, “I was so angry! Um…actually, it was a bit
different to angry.” As they pause and check in with the feeling, I can
almost hear them touching it and trying to find the most resonant word; then
they come back up for breath with the hidden treasure. “I was incensed!
That’s it, incensed.” With that, there is often a deep breath in, an exhale, and
a palpable shift in the room once the feeling has been identified and given a
name.
Learning to name emotions is part of our emotional development, and
doing it with our inner child is part of the reparenting process. It is in
slowing down, attending to the inner child, and listening with curiosity that
helps them to explore and name their emotions.
When you do the inner child meditation, you may find them in an
emotional state—perhaps confused, acting out, or expressing emotion
through gritted teeth or tears. You can support them by asking them to put
words to their feelings. Then talk to them about why they are feeling this
way and offer them support and validation. Their clarity can become your
clarity—which can lead to profound healing experiences.
I love you very, very much. You are completely lovable just as you
are.
I love you for who you are, not what you do.
I love you if you are the best in the class and if you are the worst.
It’s okay to feel feelings. All feelings are welcome here.
I forgive you for all the mistakes you have ever made. You were a
child, not an adult.
It is not your job to take care of the adults around you.
I will take care of adult situations, like relationships and work. Your
job is to have fun and play.
Because I am over eighteen, I will be your mom and dad now. I’m
going to take care of you.
I’m going to keep you safe.
I’m so sorry you weren’t shown the love you deserved when you
were a child. I want to help you feel loved by me now.
I love spending time with you. What would you like to do with me
this weekend?
Step 2. Negotiate. Your role here is to help your inner child identify
realistic and healthy needs. Sometimes the inner child will ask for a need to
be met by someone else. You can’t control this, so keep asking the child to
identify a need that you can meet as the nurturing parent. The inner child
might also ask for something that is not good for them, for example, a bottle
of wine or a whole tub of ice cream. When this happens, negotiate with the
child, just as you would with a real-life child. This is part of healthy
parenting. It is providing the child with guidance and healthy boundaries
and explaining what is good for them in a way they can understand.
Step 3. Offer. As best you can, in a selfless way, offer your inner child what
they have asked for.
Here are a couple of example dialogues to get you started. Hopefully
they will help you find your nurturing inner parenting voice.
Step 1. Validate.
Nurturing parent: Yes, of course you need attention. That is so
natural; you are a child and deserve attention and
adoration. I wonder what I could do to help you feel you are
getting the attention you deserve?
Inner child: I need Tom to be giving me more attention than he is.
I’m not sure if he loves me.
Nurturing parent: Yes, I feel that too.
Step 2. Negotiate.
Nurturing parent: I can’t control what Tom does or how he’s feeling
but know that I am right here for you and that I love you
very much. I wonder what I could do to help you feel you
are getting the attention you deserve?
Inner child: First, I would like a hug, and then I would like you to
tell me that everything is going to be okay. I feel scared.
Step 3. Offer.
Nurturing parent: I understand why you feel scared. That makes sense;
falling in love is vulnerable and scary. Know that I’m here with
you through this and that I am never going anywhere.
You give your inner child the hug they asked for, lingering in this hug. You
make sure they know you can stay here for as long as they need. They have
your full attention.
Everything is going to be okay because I am never going to leave you. I
don’t know what will happen with Tom, but know I will be here
to keep you safe and deal with Tom because I am the parent.
Your job is to play and have fun; I’ll take care of the
relationship with Tom.
When your inner child hears this, they often release a natural deep sigh,
feeling reassured and calm.
Step 2. Negotiate.
Nurturing parent: Eating the whole tub of ice cream is not going to
make those feelings go away, and remember how last time
we did that, we ended up in a pit of shame? I am here for
you. What else might you need at this moment, here with
me?
Inner child: I feel scared. I just need you to be here with me and to
know you won’t leave me.
Nurturing parent: I am right here with you. I am not going
anywhere, and I am going to keep you safe. Let’s sit
together for as long as you like.
Nurturing parent: Is there anything else you need right now?
Inner child: I feel exhausted. Can we go to bed and read for a while
with a cup of mint tea?
Step 3. Offer.
Nurturing parent: Yes, I would love that. I love hanging out with you.
Journaling. You might like to start an inner child journal. This could be a
journal for your inner child to draw and write in. Choose something without
lines so you have the freedom to be creative and childlike in it.
Your sense of the “spiritual self,” the part of you that exists beyond the
physical body, can bring feelings of interconnectedness with everyone and
everything. You might call this spiritual self your “soul,” “Higher Self,” or
“universal consciousness.” This part of you might feel elusive, difficult to
get a sense of, and connect with. Or you may have cultivated a strong sense
of it. You can think of this part as all-loving, all-knowing, and wise. This
chapter offers quite a few exercises because we can’t “think” our way into
spiritual connection. Spiritual connection happens through the heart. It is a
function of love.
With your anxious attachment adaptation, there is often a deep sense of
unworthiness, a feeling that your partner is okay, but that you are somehow
not okay, that there is something wrong with you. This belief is often rooted
in various experiences from your childhood that had nothing to do with who
you were, but had more to do with your carer’s capacity at the time. As a
result, when you connect to aspects of your spiritual self, you are likely to
feel you have found part of what has been missing for you: a deeper
connection to your essence, something unconditionally loving, being part of
something greater, and a place to fall back on when the going gets tough.
Over time, connection with this spiritual self will increase your sense of
self-worth and inherent value.
There is a growing body of research to back this up, showing a
significant connection between spirituality and mental and physical well-
being. Increasingly, spirituality and religion are being recognized as
contributors to help people successfully “cope with psychological disorders,
prevent unhealthy behaviors, and promote resilience” (Elkonin, Brown, and
Naicker 2014, 119; Sodhi 2014). An important step toward this is the
cultivation of self-compassion.
Loving-Kindness Meditation
I recommend that you make this a daily practice. An audio recording of
this practice is available online at http://www.psychotherapycentral
.health/anxious-attachment. With time, you won’t need to listen to the
audio; you’ll remember it.
Sit gently upright and rest your hands on your lap.
Notice anything that has been troubling you, relationships or
situations, and imagine that you can gently and respectfully
place them about ten feet away while you do this practice,
clearing a space internally for this meditation.
Become aware of the breath, focusing on the nostrils where
the air moves in and out. Bring all your focus to that point.
Notice any thoughts, letting them drift over the screen of your
mind like a cloud and gently returning to your point of focus.
Do this for a minute so you can have time to relax and allow
everything to start to slow down. Every time you are
distracted, gently return your attention to the breath moving in
and out.
When you are ready, follow the breath into the center of your
chest, where it naturally meets with the heart space.
Begin with loving-kindness directed toward yourself. Send
these blessings to you:
May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I be at
peace. Repeat three times.
Recall now someone who has cared for you and repeat the
same words to them, sending loving-kindness to them: May
you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you
be at peace. Repeat three times.
Now bring to mind someone with whom you have a neutral
relationship and send the same loving-kindness to them: May
you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you
be at peace. Repeat three times.
Now recall a difficult person and send them loving-kindness:
May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May
you be at peace. Repeat three times.
Expand your awareness now to all sentient beings (all beings
that feel).
May all beings everywhere be happy and free. Repeat three
times.
Notice any warm sensations in the body that might have
arisen from this practice. Notice any feelings that have
emerged and internally welcome them, knowing this is all part
of the process of the heart softening.
May all beings everywhere be happy and free.
When you are ready, gently move your body and open your
eyes to gaze at the floor before coming fully back.
Remember that you are a sentient being and absolutely deserve love,
health, safety, happiness, and peace. No matter what messages you were
given as a child, please know that you are worthy of these things. Through
the fact of your existence, you deserve love.
When you have a stable core of self-compassion individually, this
energy flows out as love and compassion for others, prosocial behavior,
charity, generosity, and care for the world we live in, creating
compassionate communities (Grof 2003; Leiberg, Klimecki, and Singer
2011). Your spiritual self is another part of you that loves you
unconditionally, speaks gently, and is supportive and loving. Your inner
child parts love to be cared for by this part of you. You can never be
abandoned by your spiritual self, so in times of stress, this part of you can
be an invaluable support. This is why cultivating connection with the
spiritual self is so beneficial for the anxious adaptation. Spiritual connection
can ignite a strong sense of secure attachment and belonging that spreads to
all relationships in your life.
You might not know much about your more distant family, but I
invite you to imagine what life might have been like for them. In my
experience, meaningful insights can emerge from this process.
Journal prompts:
What did the land of your ancestors look and feel like?
What sense did you get of your ancestors?
What do you remember about your meeting with the elder?
What was the quality that you were gifted from your
ancestors?
How did it feel in your body as it was received?
How might this quality be useful moving forward?
Integration
It is common to feel a lot of power coming from your ancestors, which can
be quite a surprise if you have imagined your ancestors to be weak. For
most of humanity, surviving has been difficult. Our ancestors have had to
survive illness, childbirth, invasion, famine, poverty, and war. Our ancestors
were often resilient, resourceful, and in different ways, powerful. Now that
you have connected with your ancestors, they are a resource for you. Feel
free to revisit them with this meditation as often as you feel is helpful. It
can be especially supportive when your anxious tendencies are triggered in
relationship. Feeling the support and love of your ancestors will often
counter feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and unworthiness.
Journal prompts:
What was it like to see your mother so well supported as a
baby, toddler, teenager, and young adult?
How did it feel in your body to be attuned to and deeply loved
by your mother?
What thoughts went through your mind as you experienced
being cared for in this way?
What emotions did you feel as you felt your mother’s love and
support all around you?
Adoption Experience
I was adopted and have never met my birth mother, but I had a
powerful, very emotional experience with her during this exercise.
She seemed young and like she wanted to keep me. Imagining her
with everything she needed meant she was able to keep me. In that
moment, I felt a strong desire to stay with her and found myself in
floods of tears—tears of joy that we could stay together and that I
was wanted. I had always imagined that my birth mother didn’t
want me. It was such a surprise. My whole body relaxed into hers,
and I felt safe and wanted for the first time in my life. This was so
powerful for me.
This is the perfect example of a transformative healing moment, where the
energy of being wanted has been blocked, probably since the time of
separation from the birth mother. This practice allowed something more
life-affirming to emerge. It started to shift this person’s model of self, as an
unwanted person into a wanted person. If this is true for you too, spend
more time with this powerful imagining with your birth mother, exploring
more deeply what it feels like in your body to be wanted by her, how she
might care for you, what thoughts you have when being cared for like this,
and exactly what feelings you experience. This will enrich the experience,
embed it in your consciousness, and help rewire the plastic brain toward an
innate sense of being wanted and worthy.
Journal prompts:
What was it like to see your father so well supported as a
baby, toddler, teenager, and young adult?
How did it feel in your body to be attuned to and deeply loved
by your father?
What thoughts went through your mind as you experienced
being cared for in this way?
What emotions did you feel as you felt your father’s love and
support all around you?
Resourcing Yourself
Now it’s your turn. Just as your parents may not have had what they
needed when they were growing up, neither did you. I have found that
when clients see themselves as more resourced, their sense of self
starts to change. They feel more capable of handling life, resilient, and
more able to have the secure relationships they yearn for.
For many people with the anxious adaptation, the experience of
consistency is a missing experience. For this reason, as you work on
resourcing yourself, focus on the consistency of presence and
attunement of your caregivers.
If this exercise brings up a lot of emotion, you might like to pause
and take a moment to connect with and care for your inner child as in
chapter 4 and return to it another day. An audio recording of this
practice is available online at http://www.psychotherapycentral.health
/anxious-attachment.
When you are ready, close your eyes or gently lower them.
Take a deep breath and start to turn your attention toward your
breath.
Imagine yourself as a baby, in a scene where you are totally
wanted, loved, and adored by all your caregivers, whether this
was your experience or not. Notice the way you are looked at
by these loving and tender carers. Notice how they speak to
you, how they want to hold you, how they seem to transmit a
feeling of their delight in you. Notice what it feels like to be in
their presence, to be loved for your presence in their lives.
Notice what you feel in your body while you are being tended
to by these loving carers, knowing that they will always be
there for you and that nothing you need is too much trouble.
Notice what it feels like to feel safe, to be protected, and to
belong.
Imagine yourself now as a toddler, growing up with these
caring and supportive people, teaching you how to play and
interact with infinite patience. What does it feel like to learn so
much, knowing that they are right next to you every step of the
way? What does it feel like in your body to know that you can
go off and explore and they will be close at hand in case you
need them?
Imagine yourself as a teenager at school with their support.
Notice how these parents are always in the background
cheering you on. See yourself as a young adult, exploring your
identity, enjoying life, and being supported by your
environment and the people around you.
Spend as long as you like exploring these new scenes.
When you feel ready, you might start to reconnect with your
body by sensing your feet on the floor and your body in the
chair. Slowly open your eyes and take in the space around
you.
Journal prompts:
What was it like to feel so well supported and loved as a baby,
toddler, teenager, and young adult?
How did it feel in your body to be attuned to and deeply loved?
What thoughts went through your mind as you experienced
being cared for in this way?
What emotions did you feel as you felt your carers’ love and
support all around you?
Integration
In this spiritual healing practice, anything can happen. You might find
yourself having a missing experience, for example, the experience of being
loved, when you never felt loved, or of having parents who were financially
stable, when you grew up with a lot of financial insecurity. Notice how
having these missing experiences impacts your body and thoughts about
yourself.
You might find in this practice that the parents caring for you were not
your real parents, but totally different people. It might feel strange but
surprisingly good to feel truly wanted and cared for by these new parents.
This is not about rejecting your real parents but allowing yourself to
experience something different. Trust that the process is moving you in a
life forward direction.
If you had some parts that were resistant to this process and have
waited patiently for your return, bring them back from where they have
been waiting. Show all parts of you what happened through this process and
thank them for standing to the side and letting you do this powerful work.
Sacred Healing
This chapter has been an exploration of your spiritual self. You have built
on the self-compassion skills that you have been developing through the
work you have been doing with the felt sense and the inner child. You have
met your ancestors and engaged in the powerful work of resourcing your
caregivers, allowing for stuck energy to be organically shifted through your
body and your family system. It is possible to stand in the present, bring in
missing elements from the past, and change the future.
In the next chapter, you will learn about your nervous system,
polyvagal theory, co-regulation, and self-regulation. You will learn how to
heal your nervous system by taking manageable steps and allowing your
nervous system to have new experiences.
This is powerful healing work. Know that you are doing amazingly
well and that I see your bravery in getting this far. Take heart in knowing
that there are many others doing this with you at this very moment. Maybe
take a moment and feel them. Allow yourself to be supported by them and
by me. Know that I see your determination and your heart. Take a moment
and breathe in my love and support for you on your journey. I’m so glad
you are here doing this work with me.
CHAPTER 6.
Neuroception
of Safety and
Function Experience
Evolutionary
Circuit
Co-Regulation
Humans are wired for connection. Modern neuroscience confirms that the
human brain is wired to calm us down by moving closer to people we feel
safe with (Coan 2008).
When you have received erratic caregiving, perhaps from a caregiver
whose nervous system is stuck in sympathetic activation, it is difficult for
your nervous system to know what it feels like to be safe and calm. There is
no anchor in another person to help lead you into that nervous system state.
For this reason, you have likely grown up with little felt sense of feeling
safe in your body. You could think of this as a missing experience,
something that can be experienced now to create more capacity and
flexibility of responses in your nervous system.
Learning co-regulation with another person if you didn’t learn it as a
child teaches your nervous system what it feels like to be soothed and
calmed. You are then able to soothe yourself when you most need it—this is
self-regulation. When you can self-regulate effectively, you can calm
yourself down faster when distressed and you tend to become less activated.
Remember that co-regulating will not leave you dependent on another
person; it is filling in the missing experience of co-regulation from your
childhood, and with time, this turns into effective self-regulation.
To practice co-regulation, you need to find a trusted other to do it with
who spends more time than you in a ventral vagal state (social
engagement). Examples might be a therapist you are working with, a good
friend, or your partner. Some tips for effective co-regulation include:
The relationship feels warm and supportive, and you have a sense that
the person is there for you and has your back.
When distressed, the other person moves toward you rather than
away, giving empathy and support, providing you are not being
aggressive toward them.
When feeling strong emotions, they may gently remind you of your
resources and coping strategies.
They may help in solving problems and planning for events that are
causing stress.
To allow someone else to help calm your nervous system, explore
what the other person does and says that feels calming to you, and let
them know so it can become a resource for the future.
When two people are in a close relationship, they can help regulate
each other’s emotional and physical well-being. Practice the following
exercises with a loving partner. You might modify these exercises to do
with close friends. Try them when you are both feeling calm, so you can
explore which ones could be useful when one of you is feeling distressed.
As you experiment with these exercises, you might find them a little
uncomfortable. To reshape your nervous system, you need to take
manageable steps that stretch you beyond your comfort zone, but don’t
cause too much stress. This will allow you to have new experiences that
imprint new relational safety. I recommend that you experiment with the
ones that stand out to you and make the ones that work best for you part of
your day-to-day life.
Have you ever reached out for connection with your special person and felt
desperate? It might feel like panic in your belly or chest and terror that you
will be left hanging, alone. You might worry that they will push you away
with their body, with a look, or with their words. You want to stay close to
them and be seen, loved, and met, but you feel like you are too much or
needy and that they want more space than you in the relationship. And it
hurts like crazy.
You might be wondering why you seem to end up with people on the
avoidant end of the attachment spectrum again and again, getting hurt and
having another failed relationship to add to the list. Because the anxious-
avoidant dynamic between people is so common and causes so much pain,
we are going to spend some time on this topic.
As we move into the relational section of this book, it is important to
note that if you are in an abusive relationship (a relationship where there is
sexual, emotional, physical, or financial abuse, or controlling behavior,
where your partner puts you down or threatens you), it is essential you
reach out for support by calling a domestic violence helpline. The exercises
offered in this book are for couples who have a foundation of safety and
mutual respect in their relationship.
Avoidant Attachment
To fully understand the anxious-avoidant dynamic, it is useful to understand
the avoidant attachment adaptation you are attracted to. The avoidant
pattern largely comes from “consistent and repetitive rejection of the child’s
attachment behaviors” (Brown and Elliott 2016, 107). Imagine a child
reaching up for their parent, desperate to be seen and held, and the parent,
feeling resentful, numb, depressed, or tired, turning away. These parents
don’t tend to enjoy physical contact and will avoid it. The child’s efforts to
connect are met with emptiness, disdain, neglect, or punishment.
In response, the child makes fewer efforts to connect. They become
more self-reliant and suppress their relational needs because they learn that
those needs are unimportant or result in punishment and rejection. They
develop a false sense of independence at the expense of connection. They
learn that connection is not a warm and nurturing place but a cold and
rejecting experience they would rather avoid. Avoidantly attached adults:
you won’t be enough for your partner and will be rejected and
abandoned
you’re flawed and will be too much for your partner
when you need your partner, they won’t be there, and you’ll be alone
you’ll end up being controlled by your partner.
It is useful to keep these lists close by as you delve into the emotions
and attachment needs that are the fuel for many of your painful interactions.
Cycle Sustaining
Jan: This always happens: You try to hide from me and the kids by
working. You’re never here, even when we’re on a vacation. I
feel so angry.
Here, Jan is sharing her “expressed emotion.” She is using “always”
and “never” generalizing language that has the effect of putting the other
person on the defensive. She is not in touch with her core emotion or
attachment need.
Cycle Breaking
Jan: I know work is really demanding and hard to let go of and that you
are working to support us all, but I really wanted you to have a
break from it this weekend. I feel lonely with just the kids all the
time. I really want to spend some time with just the two of us. I
need to feel that I’m important to you.
In the second version, Jan is in touch with and has expressed her core
emotion and attachment needs and has given Ben a clear request to help
them move forward. Because Jan is more vulnerable and less threatening, it
is easier for him to respond to her in a different way. In this way, the cycle
is changed.
Cycle Breaking Version 2: Withdrawer Changes
the Way They Respond
Compare the following scenarios:
Cycle Sustaining
Jan: This always happens: You try to hide from me and the kids by
working. You’re never here, even when we’re on vacation. I feel
so angry.
Here, Jan is attacking and critical, using “always and never” language.
Ben: I knew you were going to be angry, that’s why I hid up here. I’ve
been with you and the kids all day; this is just a few hours; you
are totally overreacting.
Ben is defensive, logical, and minimizing. Because Jan’s attachment
needs are not met, she is likely to escalate.
Cycle Breaking
Ben hears Jan’s anger as an attachment protest, a cry for connection.
Ben resists his impulse to be defensive and respond to the expressed
emotion of anger. Rather, he imagines what the deeper core emotion and
attachment need might be: “I’m guessing that me being here is making you
feel lonely?” He stands up and moves toward Jan to give her a hug. “I’m
sorry. You are so important to me. I guess I started to feel anxious about
work again and that took over, I’m sorry.” Jan is likely to feel seen and
cared about from this interaction, even though her approach was attacking.
Her attachment need is being met, and she is likely to soften. The cycle has
been diffused.
Harsh startup. “You are always home late. I think you do it on purpose to
avoid having to bathe the kids. You leave it all to me.” (Note the expression
of anger, blame, criticism, and judgment.)
Soft startup. “I feel sad and lonely when you come home late. I would love
for us to eat and then bathe the kids together. Do you think you would be
able to do that one day this week?” (Notice the use of “I” statements and the
connection to the core emotions of sadness and loneliness. There is no
judgment, and a need is clearly expressed.)
Harsh startup. “You never stand up to your parents. You let them push us
around, and I’m fed up with it.”
Soft startup. “I feel abandoned and sad when we have these issues with
your parents. I imagine that you are trying to keep the peace and it’s
difficult for you. I wonder if we could talk about it and come together on
this issue?”
Rose knew that she had an anxious adaptation and that her partner, Maggie,
had a more avoidant attachment style. Rose noticed Maggie would pull
away when she reached out for connection by holding hands in public. Rose
found it hurtful, especially when they were out with friends when she
needed a bit of reassurance, a little gesture that says, “You are safe, I’m
your person, and we are together.” Rose had mentioned that she liked to
hold hands in public, but Maggie had said she didn’t like any public
displays of affection.
On Saturday night, Rose was feeling a little insecure because one of
Maggie’s exes was present. Rose had reached out for reassurance a few
times, trying to make eye contact and making a few jokes. When she got no
response, she put her arm around Maggie. When she did, she felt Maggie’s
body tense. Rose thought, I might as well not be here, and left the party
without saying good-bye. Part of Rose was hoping that Maggie would
follow, but she didn’t. Then she started to send Maggie a flurry of angry
texts about what a cold person she was. When she didn’t get a quick
response, she suggested they should break up, the opposite of what she
wanted.
In this example, Rose had reached out for connection and felt rejected.
She needed reassurance about the relationship and didn’t receive it. This
triggered Rose’s anxious patterns, and she became reactive and moved into
protest behaviors—angry texts and threatening to leave—which only left
her feeling panicky and unable to calm down. You likely recognize
scenarios like this one. There is a saying, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”
This means the trigger is likely to have its origin in the past.
What Are Your Relationship Triggers?
A trigger is when something happens and we have an emotional reaction
that seems stronger than the situation calls for. It might be when your
husband refuses to put your son to bed and you feel let down, alone with the
task of parenting and overwhelmed. It might be a feeling of your partner
prioritizing their family over you, which leaves you feeling second best and
wondering if you are enough.
Triggers are caused by implicit memory (nonverbal and unconscious,
for example images, emotions, beliefs, and patterns related to events we
don’t remember) or explicit memory (remembering what happened in what
order). What has happened to us in past relationships influences future
relationships and how we expect the world to be. We only remember these
experiences through current relationships when we respond to people with
anger or neediness and have no idea why.
I invite you to think of your triggers as treasures because they are a
powerful way of getting to know yourself. Something has happened that has
caused your internal alarm system to go off. This is a moment to be curious
and kind toward yourself.
Healing Triggers
Triggers can be a doorway to deep healing, if you are conscious of their
presence and choose to address them. The exercise below is the foundation
of a powerful healing practice that can be repeated again and again. In this
process, you are guided into the past to heal the source of the trigger, often a
childhood wound. There is also a powerful opportunity to connect with your
younger parts and build a more secure internal attachment.
Trigger Healing
In your journal, think of a recent trigger you would like to understand
more deeply.
4. What was the core emotion? The one that lives under the one
that is expressed and is often more vulnerable.
This is how I felt when I was seven years old and sent away to
boarding school. I see myself clinging to my mother as she left me
on the first day. I feel teary as I remember it.
When I think about him not calling, I want to talk to him about it,
but I don’t feel nearly as distressed as I did before. The sensations in
the stomach and chest have gone.
8. What is your attachment need that you could share with your
partner?
I’d love you to call when you are going to be late. This would
help me to feel loved and important to you.
Future Triggers
I often hear clients talking about things in the future they are dreading. They
already know what is going to happen and how they are going to respond.
When this is the case, planning ahead can make all the difference. It is a
powerful form of self-care for you and your relationship.
a. I could let him know that I’m feeling anxious and that being
alone is a trigger for me from my childhood. I could ask him if he
would be willing to send me a few texts while he’s there, so I know
he is thinking about me.
b. I could arrange to spend the night with my friend, so I’m
distracted and in connection with someone who cares about me.
c. I could spend the evening meditating and doing yoga and then
watching a peaceful movie.
a. If I let him know what I need, he might do it, and that would feel
softer in my heart area and reassuring mentally and emotionally.
b. Staying with a friend would be distracting. When I think about
that, I feel light in my upper chest and more grounded. I feel happy,
and my mind is clearer.
c. I feel grounded and peaceful when I imagine staying home and
doing meditation and yoga. Although thoughts of him pop up, my
mind generally feels calm, and I’m more able not to be overwhelmed
by negative thoughts.
5. Which option feels like the best one for this specific trigger?
When in conflict, it is common that your nervous system has left social
engagement and entered sympathetic activation (fight-or-flight) or dorsal
vagal (immobilization). To bring yourself back into regulation, you first
need to know that you have left social engagement and then give yourself
some time and resources to return.
Rupture and repair can be powerful catalysts for growth in your
relationship. Reminding yourself that conflict is part of relationships and
that the magic is in the repair can be helpful. When a conflict is repaired, it
doesn’t mean that the issue being discussed has necessarily been resolved. It
means the emotional connection has been reestablished or never lost during
the disagreement. When you can safely disagree with one another and stay
connected, you build more trust and intimacy.
Step 6. Reconnect
Every relationship has subtle ways of reconnecting after a
disagreement. Here are some common ones. In your journal, write down
which ones you would like to use and others that work in your relationship.
I was angry when we were having that conversation. I’m sorry if that
pushed you away.
“I’m feeling disconnected right now and scared. Could I have a hug?”
“I don’t think we resolved anything there. Let’s discuss it again in a
different way tomorrow.”
“That was quite an intense discussion for me. Let’s sit together and
have some tea.”
“You feel distant after that conversation. Is there anything you need?”
Laugh about something unrelated.
Talk about something neutral for you both, like gardening or a movie
you watched.
Agree on when and where is best for the conversation to take place.
Be curious about how you might stay connected to one another while
discussing this issue.
Practice empathic listening by allowing yourself a moment to stand in
their shoes. Listen to understand rather than answer back. Remember
that when we listen, we give the other the gift of being understood. It
doesn’t mean we agree with them.
Remember they are not the enemy.
If you are in a relationship with a lot of conflict, where there have been
betrayals, such as an affair, active addiction, or mental health issues in the
relationship, I highly recommend seeking support from a couples’ therapist.
Sarah was the oldest of five children. Her father was an alcoholic and
sometimes violent. Her mother was completely overwhelmed, so Sarah
tried desperately to be a “good girl,” to be quiet, and to stay close to her
mother. Sarah found it difficult to have boundaries with her mother, who
overshared, and found that they would experience similar emotions, finding
it difficult to know whose emotions were whose. Sarah grew up with a
compulsion to keep the peace and had an anxious attachment adaptation.
Sarah had tried to establish boundaries with her mother many times as
an adult but found she would become paralyzed thinking about what her
mother would think and feel if she did. The thought of the distance that
would be created if she tried to set a boundary made Sarah feel dizzy and
panicky in her chest. The idea of appearing mean and being disliked by her
mother was intolerable.
Sarah started therapy when she had been dating Edward for about three
years. For the entire relationship, Sarah had worried that Edward would
leave her. This made it difficult for Sarah to set boundaries with Edward.
Things got worse a few months after they moved in together. She found
that, although they both worked full time, she would do most of the
housework and cooking. She was starting to feel resentful, unappreciated,
and burnt-out. Still, she found it almost impossible to say no to Edward and
to put any boundaries in place. She would imagine the conversation with
Edward ending with him walking out on her, her worst fear.
Having the anxious adaptation, you are likely to have firsthand
experience of just how difficult it can be to say no and put a boundary in
place in a calm way in your relationship. It might be that anxiety stops you
from putting boundaries in place altogether, and you end up feeling burnt-
out or resentful or staying in unhealthy relationships for too long. Or you
wait too long to put the boundary in place, so when you do, you are so
upset, angry, and hurt that it comes out too forcefully and ends up pushing
your partner away. This distance is so uncomfortable that you might
immediately withdraw the boundary altogether, hoping to move closer
again. You might watch yourself do this dance, feel disappointed, and
conclude that you are no good at relationships.
Know that you are not alone in this dance and that boundaries can be
practiced and embodied. Ultimately, the discomfort of setting boundaries
will always be worth the long-term gifts of self-trust, confidence, and
healthy relationships.
Flexible boundaries
A flexible boundary is like a cell wall that lets some things through but
not things that are dangerous or unhealthy for the cell. It is a filtering
system that, when functioning well, keeps you safe and energized.
People with flexible boundaries tend to:
value their own opinions
be able to live a life aligned with their values
share personal information appropriately
be able to say no when they need to and feel okay when others say no
to them
have a strong sense of identity and their personal needs.
Porous Boundaries
A porous boundary is like the wall of a cell that has too many holes in
it. Because it is too porous, things can get through that might not be healthy.
As the filtering system is not working properly, it leaves you feeling unsafe
and depleted.
People with porous boundaries tend to:
Embodied Boundaries
When you have embodied boundaries, you can say no from a place of
certainty and inner knowing that the boundary is right for you. You can feel
it in your body, and not keeping the boundary would be a form of self-
betrayal. You can explain (not overexplain) why you are saying no and hold
the boundary, even in the face of pushback. Pushback might be ignoring
what you have said, sulking, or being passive aggressive. The other person
might try to rationalize their behavior as okay or minimize what is
happening and imply that you are overreacting. Pushback aims to test the
boundary, which is when you are likely to experience the most discomfort.
This discomfort might be:
Is there anything you would like to add or remove from this list?
As you think about this list, do you have some inner boundaries you
want to establish? Start with small promises, so you set yourself up to win.
For example, if you are checking your email until 9:00 p.m., stop at 8:30
p.m. Maybe turn off the internet after 8:30 p.m. so you can’t look.
When you have done that for seven days, celebrate. So often, nobody
knows about your small wins. If you are like me, you might tend to
minimize your successes with something like, Well, I’m only not reading
work email after 8:30 p.m. Most people already do that, so it is not a big
deal. In this one thought, I am invalidating what I have achieved.
This is the moment to step into my nurturing inner parent and say, Well
done, Jen! I’m so proud that you have managed not to check email after
8:30 pm for seven days! I know you were tempted a few times, and it is
difficult with everything going on at work. To celebrate, we will take a long
bath and listen to your favorite music.
If you struggle to keep the inner boundary you have set, becoming
self-critical will likely lead to feelings of shame. It is much healthier and
kinder to meet your struggle with your nurturing parent voice. This might
sound like, Ah, Jen. I noticed you checked your email just before bed at
10:00 p.m. I get why you did that. You were worried that your boss had sent
an email, and you are keen to look good at work. (Note the validation and
self-compassion.) But then it was difficult to switch off, and you laid awake
for an hour thinking about work. That’s not what we want. I want you to
have a full night’s sleep. Shall we try again tomorrow, and when the impulse
comes to check email, we will do some deep breathing, read our book, or
listen to a meditation?
Take a moment to journal some small inner boundaries you would like
to implement.
Interpersonal Boundaries
Healthy boundaries provide a framework for relationships that are mutually
loving and respectful. They are essential guidelines for yourself and others
about how you like to be treated.
If you often find yourself annoyed by how your partner or a family
member treats you, there is likely a boundary issue. Weak boundaries allow:
people to walk all over you
people to speak in inappropriate ways in front of you
people to touch you in ways you are not comfortable with
people to take advantage of your generosity
people to expect too much of you physically or emotionally
people to use guilt to manipulate you.
Notice that all the points above start with “people.” When you have
weak boundaries, there is often a feeling of these people doing horrible
things to you. While you stay in this position, you remain in a situation
where life happens to you and you have little agency.
As you realize you deserve to have boundaries, your self-esteem
strengthens, and slowly, you start to set boundaries and take the risk of
disappointing others. People will likely get upset as you shift your
boundaries and get clear on what you will and won’t accept in relationships.
It is part of the process. Expect it.
What. “I would like you to cook three days a week and to take ownership of
keeping the bathroom clean.” It is good to be specific with the “what,” not
just “I want you to help out more.” Be specific and flexible. Edward might
be a terrible cook, so Edward might negotiate to take care of all the cleaning
if Sarah takes care of all of the cooking.
When you have successfully identified the boundary you need and
why, when you think about it being adhered to, there will usually be a felt
sense of relief.
Take some time to reflect on a current relationship and list what
boundaries you need and why you need them. Create a what and why for
each boundary.
Gently open your eyes and reorient yourself to the space you are
in, and when you are ready, write in your journal what you experienced
and what your felt sense had to share. You may like to repeat this
exercise a few times to allow different parts to speak that may be
holding fear and uncertainty when setting boundaries.
Because boundaries were so daunting for Sarah, she did the practices
in this chapter for a few weeks before communicating her new boundaries
to Edward. When she talked to Edward about the split of housework, she
was shocked to feel somehow sure about her request. She was still aware of
a slight panic in her chest about how he might respond, but it did not
overtake the conversation as it had done in the past. She felt grounded and
embodied and could deal with his response. It was a completely new feeling
for Sarah. When Edward responded to the request for more help, he agreed
that Sarah had been doing most of the work and that he’d been feeling tired
and appreciated it, but that it was time for him to contribute more. To her
amazement, he agreed with all of her requests. Sarah realized that before
she learned about boundaries, she had been passively hinting to Edward in
the hope of him knowing what was wrong. Being direct, having a clear
what and why, and being embodied changed everything.
You have probably had the experience of knowing you need to say
something, but feeling anxious about how it will be received, like Sarah
from the prior chapter. The thought of the other person’s reaction fills you
with panic and dread. You might find that your mind goes completely blank
in the moment, preventing you from speaking at all, or that lots of words
and emotions come flooding out that are confusing or frightening for your
partner. You would rather continue as you are, drop hints, and hope the
other person changes their behavior, which often leads to resentment and
anger when they don’t hear your hints or take your requests seriously. The
resentment builds until you explode, with all the energy directed at the other
person and little awareness of your responsibility for allowing the situation
to continue. By the time your need is shared, the pain is so great and the
need to be connected so strong that a deep cry comes straight from the
attachment wound that asks, “Where is my person? Am I safe?”
The other form of communication you may have used is passive
aggressive. This is when you are angry about something, but don’t share it
with your partner directly. Instead, you share the anger indirectly by
sulking, giving them the silent treatment, using sarcasm, and denying your
true feelings, like saying you are fine when you are not. When you have met
your needs using one of these styles, you have likely been left feeling that
you have somehow let yourself down.
When you have the anxious adaptation, you have often experienced
inconsistency and not much exposure to the modeling of clear, assertive
communication. Communication is critical in cultivating secure
relationships. Communication is the manifestation of the flow of energy
between you as a couple. You might find that you become triggered and
loud in arguments, but your intention is not to hurt your partner. Rather you
are feeling unheard, unappreciated, and fearful. The good news is that you
can work toward clearer, more authentic, assertive communication that is
also more vulnerable and brings greater confidence, self-trust, and intimacy.
Empathic Listening
Think of communication as a dance in the space between you and your
partner. When you communicate, you are doing it with your tone of voice,
posture, eye contact, and spoken words. When we think about
communication, we usually think about the message we want to convey to
the other person. This is the first mistake. The first step toward successful
communication is empathic listening.
In the empathic listening space, you are connected to your heart and
safely anchored in social engagement. You are genuinely curious about the
other person’s experience as a fellow human being you care for. Empathic
listening says, “I am here for you.” It is the practice of bringing your whole
presence into the moment to fully listen with love (Nhat Hahn 2013).
Empathic listening doesn’t sound very exciting, but it is one of the most
potent ways to build strong relationships and secure attachment when done
with your whole heart.
Listening empathically involves:
Validation
The second magic ingredient for effective, heart-centered
communication is validation. Validation is simply agreeing that a feeling
exists. Because you have experienced invalidation as a child, receiving
validation as an anxiously attached person is profoundly healing. As a child,
you were likely told you were overreacting, there was nothing to be upset
about, you were causing a scene, or your sibling didn’t behave like that, so
why did you? The implication was that there was something inherently
wrong with you and nothing wrong with the situation you found yourself in
or the behavior of the people around you. As a child, you assumed they
were correct, that you were flawed, and that your emotions were too much
and somehow wrong. Having your feelings validated and understood as an
adult is a corrective experience; this is why validation is so powerful for
you—both self-validation and validation from others.
SELF-VALIDATION
Self-validation comes when you understand your current emotional
reaction in the context of your history and accept it as valid. It is essentially
permitting yourself to experience a feeling. When you remember that
feelings are messengers, this is easier.
Here is what invalidation sounds like: “I don’t understand why I feel
so devastated that he canceled our date on Sunday. Most people don’t react
this way. There’s something wrong with me.”
Here’s what self-validation sounds like: “It makes sense that I’m sad
and disappointed that he canceled our date. The pain reminds me of all the
times dad was supposed to have me for the day and just didn’t show up. I
remember how let down I used to feel. Nothing is wrong with me. My
feelings make sense given my childhood experiences.”
This is an example of being triggered. Unprocessed pain from the past
is felt in a present-day situation. Validating your emotional experience and
turning toward yourself rather than becoming critical is vital here. This
would be the perfect cue to take some time to talk to your inner child, as
you learned in chapter 4.
VALIDATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
When validating your partner, it is important to remember that you do
not have to agree with how the feeling came about. Simply to give them
permission to have the feeling. Validation is more powerful when we can
take a moment to imagine what their experience might be like and to have
empathy. When you genuinely empathize with your partner, they will feel it.
Invalidation is when you ignore, minimize, or judge someone else’s
emotional experience. Invalidation sounds like: “You shouldn’t be so upset.
I can’t control who texts me and at what time. You’re being unreasonable.”
“I don’t know why we are still discussing this. It happened six months ago.
Surely you should be over it by now?”
Validation sounds like: “I know what it’s like to feel second best, it’s
terrible, and it wasn’t my intention for you to feel that way. I can hear how
upset you still are about what happened. I get it. It must be really hard.”
Here is an example of how to validate your partner when you disagree
with them.
Invalidation sounds like: Ignore what she said. It’s not a big deal. I don’t
know why you are so upset about this.
Validation sounds like: I can see this is a big deal to you. I imagine it hurts
to feel that you are not enough somehow. Like you are being criticized. I’m
guessing you were hoping to be close to my mother, and this feels like a
block to that dream. Am I right?
Having the capacity to hear and validate each other’s emotional
experience is a powerful tool in any relationship. For someone with the
anxious adaptation, it has the power to aid in the healing of the original
attachment wound. Deep intimacy, safety, and connectedness are the result
when you are permitted to take up space and your partner doesn’t retreat
from your emotions. Instead, you are deeply heard and held. It is one of the
most potent aphrodisiacs I know.
Invalidation sounds like: You knew I was going out for Pete’s birthday and
that I’d be home late. I don’t know why you are so upset.
Self-validation sounds like: It makes sense I’m feeling panicky because Pete
is a wild card, and I don’t trust them when they are together. I needed him to
be home earlier and to send me a few texts through the night to feel safe.
Communicating with your partner: “I can sense you being defensive
right now, and that makes sense because you feel attacked. Is that right?
What I’m really trying to say is that I feel scared when you go out with Pete
because he’s a wild card. I would feel safer if you could keep in touch with
me by sending me a few texts through the night, and maybe we could agree
on an appropriate time boundary, say 1:00 a.m?”
“I need to feel like we are a team, that I’m important to you and can
rely on you.”
Then, write out the script for communicating the needs and
boundaries you identified above. For example, “I have realized that I
find it difficult to know how you are feeling sometimes. When I snapped
at you the other day, I thought you were angry or uninterested because
you didn’t talk about it with me. I imagine I was pretty scary when I
snapped, and you just wanted to get away or maybe didn’t know how to
respond in the moment, so you withdraw. I felt sad and angry that we
couldn’t communicate better. It was a surprise to hear that you were
feeling off-kilter all day. I know it might be difficult, but I think it would
make me feel closer to you and safer if you could have told me how
that conversation was impacting you. Something like, ‘Hey Rach, I just
want to let you know that I’m feeling a bit unresolved and unsure about
what happened this morning. I’m hoping we can talk about it more later
today’ would be enough.”
Your turn. Think of a time when you felt triggered or upset recently
and work through the five steps.
2 Empathy I imagine …
Being Assertive
Assertiveness is when we have strong self-esteem and maintain healthy
boundaries. Assertive communication is direct and clear and makes space
for the other person. When we are assertive, we tend to experience less
anxiety and depression because we can stand in our truth while attempting
to understand how the other person feels about what is being discussed.
Assertiveness brings with it a greater sense of agency.
The first step in being assertive is to know your needs. If you are
uncertain about your needs, then it makes sense that those around you will
also be uncertain about what you need. You will find it difficult to
communicate your needs, and you will not be taken seriously when you do.
For example, your sister wants you to lend her money. You say no but
worry when she becomes more withdrawn than usual. Without a
conversation, you change your mind and lend her the money. A few weeks
later, she has still not repaid you, and asks to borrow more. You find
yourself feeling taken advantage of and start to feel angry.
Being assertive in this relationship might sound like, “We agreed that
you would repay the amount you borrowed last time, but you haven’t repaid
me yet. I imagine you are struggling with your work situation, and I feel for
you. I feel sad about this, but I have to be honest, I’m uncomfortable
lending you more money without first being repaid. I value our relationship,
and I don’t want money to come between us.”
When you are assertive, you don’t play games. Below are some
situations, old communication styles of game playing, and ways to
communicate clearly and assertively to help get your needs met.
Situation: You talk to your partner; they’re not really listening. You
feel disrespected and unimportant.
Game playing: You stop midsentence and storm off, expecting them
to come after you and apologize.
Clear communication: You share that you value their input in your
life, “Would you be willing to put your phone down for five minutes
and hear me?”
Situation: You find out through social media that your partner was
out without you on Saturday night and feel hurt and rejected.
Game playing: You post pictures of yourself with your ex on social
media and don’t answer his calls.
Clear communication: “When you don’t let me know what you are
doing on the weekend, I feel disappointed and agitated because I need
a sense of safety in our relationship. I’m wondering if, in the future,
you could let me know what you are up to on the weekend, even if
they are last-minute plans?”
The next time your partner goes out on the weekend, they may not let
you know. Clear communication doesn’t mean that suddenly all of your
requests will be met, but it does mean that you are clear about your needs
and have spoken your truth. If your partner doesn’t do what you have
clearly asked for, you can get curious about that together to explore what
happened for your partner and for you. You can go back to chapter 7 and
review “Tracking a Negative Cycle.”
Learning to communicate clearly and break the habit of game playing
allows us to be clear with our needs and will quickly let us know if we are
in the right relationship or not.
Here are some things that block assertive communication:
There are many reasons people avoid being assertive. I find the two
biggest reasons are they fear the other person’s response (conflict
avoidance) and they don’t know how to be assertive. When they don’t know
how, it is often because they have not had it modeled to them. This is where
the exercises in this chapter will help.
Embodied Communication
I had very little assertive communication modeled to me growing up. Most
of the communication was done in a passive-aggressive manner, and when
the person holding in all the anger couldn’t do it anymore, there were
explosions. As an adult, I tried being passive aggressive in one of my
relationships, but the other person didn’t respond. I then figured out that I
was hoping he would guess what was wrong with me and do what I wanted
him to do. I was expecting him to mind read. When I realized this
expectation was a bit silly, I reverted to assertive communication, and low
and behold, I started to get my needs met.
The most significant step in my leap from sulky and passive aggressive
to assertive communication came from my time alone practicing. I would
journal my needs and boundaries and write a script to get all the elements
clear, as in the “Practicing the Five Steps of Clear Communication”
exercise in this chapter. I would then imagine the person in front of me and
start to read the script aloud.
The first time I did this, I remember stumbling over words, having to
repeat myself, and stopping to cough multiple times. My body was totally
uncomfortable with this new style of communication. Before this
experience, I had thought of myself as quite confident and a fairly good
communicator. This made me aware of just how difficult it was for me to
have highly charged, intimate, and vulnerable conversations. I sucked!
When you are not used to assertive communication, you need to
practice. There is no way around this. It is vital that you read the script
aloud. Practicing will allow your body to align with the words you want to
say and for you to communicate with the energy you intend.
Embodied Communication
Here is a seven-step process for embodied communication that draws
on all the skills you have learned so far in this book. Remember it will
probably be awkward at first, but once you become more familiar with
this style of communication, it will become much easier.
Step 1. Journal. Journal your needs and boundaries,
ensuring what you are requesting honors the other person too.
Step 2. Write a script. Write a script of how you would like to
communicate it using the five steps. See the “Practicing the
Five Steps of Clear Communication” exercise above.
Step 3. Find out what your inner child needs. Check in with
your inner child, as you learned in chapter 4. Ask them how
they feel about the conversation and what they might need as
you have it. For example, my child likes to hide inside my
heart while I have difficult conversations.
Step 4. Pay attention to the sensations in your body. In a
quiet place, take the time to read the script aloud. As you are
reading, notice what is going on in your body. If intense
sensations arise, take a moment to be with them in a felt
sense way, as in chapter 2, “Somatic Healing: The Six-Stage
Focusing Practice.” When you do this, you are using current
situations as an avenue for healing.
Step 5. Embody your script. Read and reread your script
until there is flow in the words and your body feels more
aligned with what you are saying. It might take a few sessions
for this feeling to come, and that’s fine. The aim is not to
memorize the words but to imbibe the felt experience of
aligning with them. Once you have aligned with the energy of
what you want to say, the words come more easily.
Step 6. Have the conversation. At an appropriate time,
preferably in a relaxed environment, have the conversation. If
there is resistance, try to empathize with it and understand it
rather than become defensive. Be open to the possibility of an
outcome that suits you both that you have not yet considered.
Step 7. Congratulate yourself. No matter the outcome,
congratulate yourself for practicing. The more you practice, the
easier it will be. You will find the words more effortless, and
stay calmer for longer. Be gentle with yourself in the process.
This is a big part of your healing and empowerment journey.
Anything that is genuine and helps your partner feel seen, heard,
understood, and loved
Empathic listening
Validation
Noticing what’s working, for example, “I felt so loved when you…”
If you have the anxious adaptation, the following are fertilizer for you:
Resisting the urge to pull away when your partner expresses anger
Understanding that protest behaviors from your anxious partner are a
call for connection
Learning to identify and communicate your feelings, although it often
feels overwhelming and scary
Trying your best to connect emotionally through empathic listening
rather than getting logical and problem-solving
Avoiding dismissing or minimizing things that are important to your
partner, even if you don’t understand or agree
If you feel yourself shutting down, not feeling anything, or
withdrawing, letting your partner know that you are shutting down
and struggling to stay connected
When you feel discomfort, trying to stay in touch with the sensations
and feelings in your body
During conflict, allowing yourself the space to process what is
happening and taking a break if you need one and then going back to
your partner and finish the discussion to prevent avoidance.
Let’s pause momentarily and acknowledge how far you have come while
journeying through this book. There has already been a substantial amount
of discovery, healing, and growth. In chapters 1 through 5, you anchored
your connection to self. In chapters 6 through 10, you explored securely
attaching to others, and in this chapter, you will do the vital work of
reconnecting to nature, spirit, and meaning.
In our relatively recent human history, as hunter-gatherers, our survival
depended on being connected with other humans and nature. Hunter-
gatherer groups that still exist today prioritize sharing, reciprocity, and
connection (Narvaez 2019). Connection is valued and vital to survival.
Although we seem more connected than ever before, many people are
experiencing unprecedented levels of loneliness and disconnection (Jeste,
Lee, and Cacioppo 2020). Disconnection is at the core of the anxious
adaptation. This is why the healing process is one of reconnection.
Connecting to Nature
The following exercise needs to be done in nature. You could find a
quiet place in your local park or, better yet, go to a forest. A forest is
best because the air is full of phytoncides, wood essential oils, which
are chemicals that improve human immune function (Li 2010). This
exercise aims to explore your relationship with nature, where nature is
your partner, and has its foundation in both Forest Bathing and
Focusing (Clifford 2021; Gendlin 1964). In this practice, you explore
“what it means to be part of the web of relatedness connecting all living
beings” (Clifford 2021, 42).
1.
physically attractive to others
2.
have expensive things
3.
are well-known
4.
earn a lot of money
5.
have status
6.
have the ideal body?
1.
healthy
2.
do meaningful work
3.
contribute to your community
4.
have deep friendships
5.
have life energy
6.
help others?
I’d like to thank my ancestors for all they have passed on to me, the
struggles and the resources and for surviving the hardships they faced to
ensure I am here. Deep gratitude to my mother and father, Janet and Stan,
and my grandparents, Joyce and Ernest, for raising me and connecting me
intimately with nature.
To all the great teachers and therapists who have taught me directly or
indirectly and touched my heart and soul. Some of your light shines through
this book.
I’d like to thank the team at New Harbinger Publication for their belief
in and support of this project and to Lance, Sheila, Irina, Laura, Jane, and
Merle for reviewing elements of the final manuscript and their valuable
input. A big thank you to the Psychotherapy Central community, who
repeatedly asked for a book on healing anxious attachment. This book exists
because of you.
To my children, Isaac and Ariel. Thank you for trusting me with
raising and loving you, the most important project of my life. You teach me
about attunement, unconditional love, and laughter every day.
Special gratitude to my husband, Lance, for being willing to go deep,
for having the love, compassion, and humility to come on this journey of
healing and reconnection with me, and for being a loving and attuned
secure home base for our children and me. You light up our world.
To all my clients—you give me the opportunity to sit in a field of
compassion, kindness, and love and to experience deep healing. In that
field, the healing is always for all of us: you, me, our ancestors, and our
descendants. We enter into a sacred space in the fullest meaning of the word
“sacred,” where the heart is touched and moved, where awe lives. Thank
you for walking with me. I am eternally grateful.
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Jennifer Nurick, MA, is a licensed clinical psychotherapist, energetic healer,
author, teacher, and founder of Psychotherapy Central. She specializes in
treating people who experience repeating relational issues, as well as those
with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), using traditional
psychotherapy approaches and newer body-centered and integrative healing
methods Learn more at www.psychotherapycentral .health.
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