Multi-Messenger Astrology

Gwen Walker,1, 2 Nick Ekanger,1, 3 R. Andrew Gustafson,1, 4 and Sean Heston1, 5

1
Department of Physics, Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, Virginia 24061, USA
2
Scorpio
3
Taurus
4
Pisces
5
Libra
It has long been accepted that the cosmos determine our personalities, relationships, and even
our fate. Unlike our condensed matter colleagues - who regularly use quantum mechanics to
determine the healing properties of crystals - astrology techniques have been unchanged since the
19th century. In this paper, we discuss how astrophysical messengers beyond starlight can be used
arXiv:2403.19749v1 [astro-ph.HE] 28 Mar 2024

to predict the future and excuse an O(1) fraction of our negative personality traits.

I. INTRODUCTION apartments.

Since the dawn of time1 , man has looked to the stars.

After a brief period of pure admiration, he started to II. MULTI-MESSENGER SIGNALS
use these mythical light sources to answer life’s most im-
portant questions. Astronomers stick to relatively bor- In this section, we cover the effects of different messen-
ing questions: “Where did we come from?”, “What are gers on one’s personality. We go over the known messen-
we made of ?”, “Where are we going?”. Meanwhile, as- gers that we have observed in the past either as persistent
trologers such as ourselves focus on using the cosmos for sources or transients.
more important questions: “How can we impress people
at the bar?”, and “How can I make the breakup not my
fault?”. A. Gamma-rays
However, our nerdy astronomy peers have recently
made some worthwhile progress.2 They have begun
High exposure to gamma-rays (Ãæm.Ä- ôeız) is well ac-
looking into the sky not just for visible wavelengths of
cepted to cause anger management issues (see, e.g., The
light, but for other particles as well. These searches
Hulk). Therefore, if there are strong persistent gamma-
have been named “multi-messenger astronomy”, a rather
ray sources, like the excess gamma-rays from the center
ironic name considering how rarely astronomers get mes-
of the Milky Way, existing within your constellation, you
sages. Still, this shows a gap in our understanding as
are more prone to lash out in anger. There are other
astrologers. For years we have been studying the motion
special circumstances for people born at a time when
of the planets through the visible constellations, speaking
high energy photons from gamma-ray bursts (GRBs) ar-
of Mercury in Gatorade, but we never considered Mer-
rive at Earth. However, how strong of an influence these
cury in gamma-ray Gatorade (henceforth referred to as
gamma-rays from GRBs can have on your personality is
Gammarade).
highly dependent upon the flux, and therefore the dis-
In this paper, we seek to explain how these invisi-
tance, to the source. This should therefore be treated on
ble yet powerful astrophysical sources influence our des-
a case-by-case basis. Luckily, the GCN circulars page ex-
tiny, personalities, and ultimately fruitless love-lives. We
ists (https://gcn.nasa.gov/circulars), and one can
start with astronomers’ understanding of these messen-
easily search for gamma-ray events filtered by date if
gers, and provide the definitive astrological determina-
one’s day of birth is after 1997. For those older than
tions for each.3 However, we must be realistic, as this
this, there is no well-known record of gamma-ray events,
paper needs to go out on April 1st, and it’s mid-March
so you are on your own to find out if your personality has
now, so we offer two important caveats. First, we do not
been affected by excess gamma-ray exposure.
offer a comprehensive guide on how each sign changes un-
der the multi-messenger frame work, and leave it as an
exercise to the reader to use the available data and avoid
personal responsibility. Second, we make no mention of B. Cosmic Rays
astrological “houses”, as we are poor and can only afford
Cosmic rays are charged particles which have been ac-
celerated to high energies. To help quantify these en-
ergies, we introduce a new unit called a Baseball Speed
1 c. 1981 (BS), which is the average energy of a thrown baseball
2 Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. (about 50 J). Despite having the name “speed” in the
3 Subject to change if it helps us talk up the barista. name, a BS is a unit of energy. We apologize for any
FIG. 1. Comparison of the sky through a multi-messenger lens for starlight [1] (upper left), gamma-rays [2] (upper right),
neutrinos [3] (lower left), and gravitational waves [4] (lower right). The cosmic ray constellation map will not be included
because it is outside the scope of this paper (i.e. it is too much work and I don’t want to). Although the starlight map clearly
creates signs that control our personalities and is well understood, more data is needed (c’mon, just a little more) in all other
messengers to determine (i) if there are Zodiac signs in gamma-ray, neutrino, gravitational wave, and cosmic ray sky (which
there must be to explain our sometimes erratic behavior) but also (ii) if they correlate with the traditional Zodiac signs.

confusion that this causes, especially because astronomy

is known for its clear and intuitive units of measurement.
The majority of the cosmic-ray flux has energies in the
fBS-pBS range.

Cosmic rays are the only messenger with electric

charge, and they therefore dictate your “electronic per-
sonality”: the personality you project through text, so-
cial media, and email for those older than z = 3 × 10−9 .
This electronic personality does not necessarily match
the personality dictated by other messengers. For exam-
ple, when the authors of this paper meet online friends
in person, these friends are often upset that we are not
“fun to be around” or “six-foot-two” like our profiles pro-
claim. Although this was previously attributed to lying
and insecurity, we can now see that it stems from a differ-
ence in our cosmic ray astrological signs and our visible
astrological signs.

FIG. 2. An accelerator of (technically) astrophysical origin,

While steady sources of cosmic rays determine our capable of accelerating objects up to 1 BS [5].
average electronic personality, short-lived high energy
bursts of cosmic rays can cause unusual online behav-
ior. Last Tuesday, high-energy cosmic rays on the order
of µBS-mBS are responsible for us buying a four-wheeler
online and texting our exes (we don’t have a source for
this, but it’s the only thing that makes sense).

2
 C. Neutrinos III. EXAMPLE MULTI-MESSENGER
ASTROLOGICAL READING
Neutrinos are often referred to as ghost particles since,
like ghosts, they rarely interact and are produced in nu- Take, for example, an Aries. In Figure 1, a trained
clear reactors. The weak interactions mean that neu- multi-messenger astrologer can see that this sign also
trinos carry pointing information that would be lost lies within the gamma-ray signal, a persistent neutrino
by gamma-ray/cosmic-ray scattering. In an astrological source, and a potential gravitational wave void. The
sense, this ghostly nature means that those born under common perception of an Aries is that they are natural
neutrinos have a higher sense of spirituality and, more go-getters that are fair and patient in relationships [6].
importantly, are more likely to ghost4 others. Although they may be strong leaders, a more nuanced
A major source of neutrinos is the Sun with a myr- reading reveals their relationships may be more shaky as
iad of fusion processes which power the core. For an their position in the sky is coincident with ire-inducing
example of this effect, look no further than the authors gamma-rays and relationship-rocking neutrinos. The role
of this paper. When the Sun rises, the influx of neutri- of gravitational waves on personalities is still being quan-
nos cause us to ghost our dates from the previous night. tified, but given that they are in a void, they probably
This explanation is favored over the previous hypothesis won’t marry their cousins.
of “commitment issues” by 2.7σ.
Another astrological source of neutrinos are core-
IV. FUTURE POSSIBLE SEARCHES
collapse supernovae. The last such supernova close
enough to produce observable neutrinos was in 1987, with
an enormous flux at Earth. This affected many people at A. Dark Matter
the time, although the effects may lie dormant for years.
This is seen in the case our fathers, who took until the Dark matter is a currently undiscovered type of ex-
early 2000s to ghost their respective families. otic matter, proposed to explain galaxy rotation curves,
In recent years, IceCube (the experiment, not the rap- source micro-lensing events, fix marriages, and what-
per) has identified point-sources for high energy neutri- ever else the phenomenologists want to solve that week.
nos. This work is still recent, but in time it will allow Therefore, it is difficult to extract how dark matter de-
astrologers to match up which signs have the most neu- tection could affect one’s personality. One trait for in-
trinos and are most likely to ghost (but let’s be real, we dividuals with directional dark matter detected within
know it’s going to be Virgo). their sign is that they should only rarely interact with
others.

D. Gravitational Waves B. ALPs

Einstein’s theory of General Relativity predicts waves Axion-like particles (ALPs), are proposed pseudoscalar
of contracting and expanding spacetime propagating at bosons, popularized by the 1980’s TV sitcom of the same
the speed of light. Einstein also married two of his name. Although this particle was originally theorized to
cousins, so he was clearly focused on the wrong type of solve the Strong CP problem and get into wacky weekly
attraction and relativity. hijinks, it has been shown that if they exist, then they
Gravitational waves are the youngest of the astrolog- must be produced in different astrophysical scenarios.
ical messengers, but that does not make them any less Many of the astrological properties of an ALP flux are
loved by astronomers. They are less loved by astrologers, model dependent, and beyond the scope of this paper.
though, because the primary observatory is based out of However, all models include the pseudoscalar nature of
Louisiana, and humidity is murder on our hair. Gravity these lovable-goofball particles, so from this we have de-
is a force which is always attractive, and gravitational termined that being born under a flux of ALPs will make
waves are formed when two objects merge. Therefore, a person more susceptible to pseudoscience. Thankfully,
in an astrological framework, gravitational waves dictate none of the authors of this paper have such a problem.
your attractiveness and your attraction to others. We
think that’s obvious; it’s honestly a little embarassing
that you needed us to explain it to you. V. SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION

While this paper is not intended to describe the as-

trological properties of messengers in an exhaustive way,
4 “Ghosting” is a colloquial term for not responding to messages. it has left us exhausted, so we leave further analyses to
It’s often seen as incredibly rude, but ultimately fine when I do smarter, harder-working individuals. In the meantime,
it because others are harshing my mellow. the larger astrological society should be cognizant of the

3
 fact that destiny and personality is determined by more
than just visual photons. Even with our limited, un-
funded5 work, we have been able to better explain away
many of our personal “flaws” in this new framework. We
highly encourage our colleagues to do the same.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

We would like to thank all of our coworkers who told

us this was a bad idea, and the readers of this paper for
having a sense of humor. We especially thank our future
FIG. 3. Image of a theoretical ALP from 3 years after the employers for not holding this against us.
Dawn of Time [7].

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrological_sign) Publication-O1StochDir/index.php.

(). [5] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pitcher.
[2] https://svs.gsfc.nasa.gov/11342. [6] https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2022/10/19/
[3] https://icecube.wisc.edu/news/research/2019/10/ aries-zodiac-sign-key-personality-traits-dates/
new-all-sky-search-reveals-potential-neutrino-sources/. 8188554001/.
[4] https://www.ligo.org/science/ [7] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ALF_(character) ().

5 Can you believe that everyone rejected our proposal?