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Will Young
TO B E A G AY M A N
CONTENTS
Introduction
Chapter One: Bobby Not Pam
Chapter Two: Gay in the Eighties
Chapter Three: An Education
Chapter Four: Finding A Community
Chapter Five: Tea With the Queen
Chapter Six: Ancient and Modern Stereotypes and Homophobia
Chapter Seven: Breaking the Patterns of Addiction
Chapter Eight: Facing Our Shit
Epilogue
Appendix 1: CBT Techniques
Appendix 2: Help and Support
Further Reading
Acknowledgements
Index
About the Author
Will Young is a pop star and actor who shot to fame in 2002 after
winning the first series of Pop Idol. He has released seven albums,
four of which hit Number One in the UK charts, and he has 10
million record sales and two Brit Awards to his name. Will co-
founded the podcast ‘Homo Sapiens’ and is a leading voice in mental
health awareness, particuarly within the LGBTQ+ community. He
lives in London with his two dogs, border terrier Esme and
dachsund, Nelly.
To all the people who have pushed forward the
LGBT rights agenda, I bow down to you and we
all, as an LGBT community, stand on the
shoulders of greatness.
Introduction
It’s 7am on a crisp, autumnal morning. The sun is beginning to
warm the honeysuckle, snaking around my window and filtering
gently through my bedroom blinds, causing me to stir. There’s the
gentle hum of an electric milk float doing its rounds, purring away
down the street. All is well in leafy south London, until …
‘NELLY, PLEASE DON’T HUMP MY FACE!’
My two-year-old dachshund wakes me up every morning by
placing her long sausage-like body across my face. Essentially, she
attempts to suffocate me on a daily basis. This morning, such was
her excitement, that her intentions became more amorous.
‘OK, you got me; food time!’
That’s it! She’s off scampering down the stairs towards the
kitchen. Esme, the Border terrier, follows in hot pursuit – carrying
one of my slippers with her, I notice. This is my daily routine each
morning.
Once recovered from potential ‘death by sausage dog’, I sit down,
coffee in hand, to peruse the emails that have come in to ‘Homo
Sapiens’, a podcast that I did with my best friend, Chris Sweeney.
Scrolling down, I alight upon one from a 22-year-old in Finland who
discusses his gay shame. It’s a common occurrence, and seems to
come up almost every episode. In fact, I’d just got back from
America where we interviewed pop star, Sam Smith, who spoke of
their own gay shame.
‘That’s it!’ I proclaim to the dogs. ‘I’m going to Google gay-shame
therapy groups. There must be some in the world.’
The dogs don’t care, FYI. But I do. Gay shame was a part of my
life from the age of six. It has clung on to me like oil to a dying
cormorant. It has literally stopped me truly flying in life. Years of
hearing that to be gay was wrong, whether it be at a Bible lesson, in
the playground, on TV or heard amongst adults, has wounded my
very soul. The very essence of who I am has been defined as evil,
disgusting and wrong. Growing up within a heteronormative society
has crushed my being. My gay shame, foisted onto me by others,
has internalised and created its own gloopy tar-like substance,
covering any light within. I have lived with a deeply repressed and
under-explored belief that, by simply living, I am wrong and
unlovable, purely by being alive. I’ve also realised I am not alone. So
here I go! Let’s see what can be done. Let’s see what is out there.
The answer is … nothing.
Well, that’s not strictly true. I come across an old workshop, held
in New York in 2016, which addressed gender norms, focusing on
what it was to be a gay man or woman. This was, however, two
years ago. My next discovery is far more interesting. ‘GAY SHAME!
HOW TO REDISCOVER YOUR TRUE SELF!’ This is more like it. I
enter the website and it’s all looking good.
‘Has your gay shame held you back in life?’
Yes.
‘Do you want to rid yourself of this yoke and come back to your
natural self?’
Another Yes.
‘Then this is the programme for you! Get rid of your homosexual
tendencies and learn to control your urges!’
HOLY SHIT! I realise I have unwittingly alighted upon a gay
conversion website. Based in, well, the southern United States, of
course. Now, such has been my own journey with gay shame that I
am not triggered by this, but instead rather fascinated and amused.
I decide to drop them an email.
All flowery writing and Googling aside, this morning is the morning
when I decide to write a book on gay shame. As I’ve said, gay
shame is something that I have lived through with every cell and
fibre in my body. Even as I think on how I might approach this topic,
ALL THESE STORIES start flooding back to me. ALL THESE
MOMENTS of prejudice I experienced, and ALL THESE MOMENTS
where other people’s thoughts and feelings on what it was to be gay,
and the shame that that’s brought up in THEM, was dumped onto
ME.
There were times, dear friends, when it almost destroyed me, but
ultimately it did not, because I faced it and took it on. Through
many years of facing my gay shame, I found strength. I reached out
to others and expressed to friends and even strangers how I felt.
Talking about my addictions, from porn to shopping, from failed
relationships to always feeling less-than. I was spurred on by others’
bravery in sharing their deep shame of themselves, and realised that
I felt the same. Instead of feeling alone, I actually began to feel
empowered. I cried a lot. I felt sick and ashamed a lot. And I heard
a lot of other gay people’s stories that helped me out of the
darkness. But even through all of that, I was often the only gay
person in a therapy group or indeed a treatment centre. It took time
for me to find my own kind, where I could work through this specific
issue of gay shame, and my development in abolishing gay shame
was often sporadic and disjointed. Still, I got there in the end, and
I’m here now to tell the story of just how I got there. I have no
pretensions, but I come with authenticity, ownership, and a huge
amount of hope and love.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not so brazen or arrogant as to think
that I know the right way to be gay; how could I? Everyone is
different. What I want to do here is to track my life; to time-travel
back to various times where knowing I was gay, or being gay, was
difficult, painful, fun, terrifying, etc.
For me to be a gay man has been a constant journey from the age
of four. It has involved so many layers of questions and internal
wranglings, layers of shame that have turned into self-hate and
loathing. To be a gay man has been a constant disappointment and
occasion after occasion of embarrassment and hiding. In writing this
book and using my life as a sort of blueprint, I hope that others
might find moments of connection and resonance and perhaps glean
some understanding and empathy for their own road through life. I
know I have – it has led me to a newfound respect and admiration
for myself and my sexuality.
Things that I’d completely forgotten about will, no doubt, surface,
or perhaps things that have been triggering, but I’m looking forward
to analysing and documenting how I survived them; how I got
through school, and university, being at home, or even just hanging
with friends. It’s sure to be a weird process, but an incredible
journey.
A journey that I’m inviting you to join me on … and Esme and
Nelly …
… but to be honest they don’t give a shit.
CHAPTER ONE
Language: Finnish
Kirj.
Salomo Pulkkinen
Alkusana.
Maisemia.
Lappalaiset.
Vainon ajoilta.
Salaperäistä.
Engelsmanni kesä.
Kun kirkkoa ruvettiin rakentamaan.
Kirkko ja seurakunta.
Virkamiehet.
Rovasti F.F. Lönnrot.
Pieniä juttuja rovasti Lönnrotin ajoilta.
Herännäisyyttä.
Jätkäin koulu.
Kunnanmiehiä.
Kylänvanhimmat.
Kauppamiehet.
Sotaopissa.
Mestareita.
Hautahamarit.
Maahenkisiä miehiä.
Perttulin kirkolle.
Entiset elintavat.
Naimisiin meno.
Vanhan virsikirjan käyttämistä.
Ilmojen ennustaja.
Taikuutta.
Kivilintan heittäjät.
Heikki Norppanen.
Rikollisuutta.
Köyhäin hoito.
Nälkävuodet.
Kansakoulu.
Yritteliäisyyttä.
Yhteistä parasta.
Hukkuneita.
Yhtä ja toista pientä.
ALKUSANA.
Tekijä.
MAISEMIA.
*****
*****
*****
Hiisijärven Lohiniemi ja Louhenkosken mylly oli ennen olleet
peikkojen pesäpaikkoja. Useimmiten vaan kuulunut, ei näkynyt tai
tuntunut. Miten lienee. Pitkä matka Hiisijärveltä kuuluu olevan
Hiidenhaudalle. Ja niin syrjäisessä paikassa, että hyvin harvat kylän
asukkaista ovat sitä edes nähneetkään. Siitä haudasta kai Hiisijärven
nimi johtunee ja nimestä päättäen siellä pitäisi kaikkea häjyyttä olla
seiväsmäärällä mitaten.
*****