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Copyright
Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the
value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers
and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
Seal Press
Hachette Book Group
1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10104
sealpress.com
@sealpress
E3-20190805-JV-NF-ORI
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
INTRODUCTION
How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love the Bride
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
DISCOVER MORE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dedicated to Octavian Orion
Explore book giveaways, sneak peeks, deals, and more.
WHEN I SAT DOWN TO WRITE OFFBEAT BRIDE IN 2005, IT WAS A DIFFERENT era.
It was the time of Friendster and Myspace. A time when having a
website for your wedding was still a new and nerdy idea—I mean,
you had to hand-code it! It was a time when marriage equality still
felt like a distant, rainbow-striped dream in the hearts of progressive
Americans. A time before most of us knew the word “cisgender.” It
was a time when many of you reading this may have been
teenagers!
Needless to say, a LOT has changed since Offbeat Bride’s first
edition. For me, the little website I launched to promote my book
tour ended up becoming a global wedding planning resource that’s
been used by 50 million people over the past twelve years.
Offbeatbride.com went on to spawn several other web publications,
and in my attempt to sell a few copies of a book, I accidentally
founded a media company that’s kept me busy for almost fifteen
years. Oops?
Technology has advanced in ways that, even as a nerd back in
the mid-2000s, I never could have imagined. Back then, you felt
high tech if your wedding favors were a CD-ROM of wedding songs
that you’d downloaded from a questionable online source. (Aww,
cute!) Now, we all deal with ubiquitous smartphone use, wedding
hashtags, app push notification overwhelm, and navigating social
media etiquette faux pas. (And here I thought I was fancy for asking
my wedding guests to upload their wedding photos to Flickr…)
More joyfully, marriage equality is now legal across the United
States—and in Canada, Australia, and the UK, too! Offbeat Brides of
all orientations and identities can now marry their beloveds all over
the world.… Yes, we still have a ways to go, but the political and
legal progress of marriage equality in the past decade has been
monumental.
One remarkable wedding industry shift is that, well, we kinda
won the war against wedding homogeneity. Now it’s not only
accepted that your wedding will reflect your personality, it’s almost
assumed that of course you’re going to have some references to
your favorite bits of pop culture, or the place where you had your
first date, or that song your dad used to sing to you.
For the most part, these days people understand that having an
offbeat and authentic wedding is an option—even the more
conservative folks who think Offbeat Bride is tasteless and “tacky.”
Alternative weddings have permeated American culture so deeply
that even the most mainstream wedding media covers nontraditional
wedding trends and nonwhite wedding dresses barely raise your
mom’s eyebrow.
So, does that mean Offbeat Bride’s work is done? Is that it? Time
to just fold it all up, and call it quits? Mission completed, see y’all
later?
That’s cute, but there is still so much to be done.… Stuff like
helping wedding vendors understand that gender essentialism isn’t
effective marketing. Stuff like ensuring that couples who feel
underrepresented in wedding media can still feel supported in their
planning process—this means representing couples with disabilities,
couples who aren’t slender or young or white. Hell, this means
representing folks who are more than a couple—Offbeat Bride has a
long history of celebrating polyamorous commitment ceremonies,
too.
I love that in the time that Offbeat Bride has been around,
marriage equality has become accepted to the degree that
sometimes people are like, “Pshaw: What’s offbeat about this lesbian
wedding?!” Although I’m personally giddy that lesbian weddings can
now be considered “boring” (equality means we all get to be as
boring as we want!), I’m still wondering when gender-neutral
contracts will become the standard for wedding vendors. I’m still
grumpy about the sign-up pages on mainstream wedding websites
having fields for [Bride’s Name] and [Groom’s Name], instead of just
having [My Name] and [Partner’s Name].
But there’s no denying that, at least when it comes to aesthetics,
being an Offbeat Bride may not be as much of a battle as it used to
be. I wrote this book with a sense of reactionary urgency and
rebelliousness—I wasn’t just being myself, I was also pushing hard
against mainstream weddings, trying to carve out something
different! I was defying the expectations! I was standing up for my
own vision!
Truth be told, I definitely used my uniqueness as a defense
mechanism, coupled with a healthy dose of “offbeater-than-thou”
posturing. I mean, when this book was first released, I made
promotional shirts that said, “Offbeat Bride: Fuck Taffeta.” I quickly
learned that some offbeat people love taffeta… and that’s awesome!
I am sorry for my old taffeta-shaming ways.
In updating this book for its third edition, taffeta-shaming and
dismissiveness toward more traditional-looking weddings wasn’t the
only old stuff that had to change. Back in the mid-2000s, most of us
didn’t have the language to talk about gender and identity in the
same way we do now. Back then, I made jokes that make me cringe
now. (You want some humble pie? Spend some time with your work
from fourteen years ago. Ouch. What an education.)
Back in the mid-2000s, I interviewed fifty-plus “lab rats” to
include their stories in the book, and, for this edition, I added the
thoughts of dozens more Offbeat Bride readers. I wanted to share
more perspectives on things like planning a wedding while working
with disabilities, nonbinary identities, and the challenges of modern
technology. You’ll see these Offbeat readers quoted and referenced
throughout the book—I’m choosing to identify readers only by their
first names. I’ve learned better than to identify anyone by their full
name when talking about the challenges of wedding planning. I’ve
seen enough blog comments from angry family members who
stumbled across something written about them on offbeatbride.com.
Now I know better than to go offending family members.
These days, Offbeat Bride doesn’t have to try so hard to offend
anyone or be off-anything—it’s about being inclusive, a place where
“bride” is a state of mind, not a set of genitals (… because you
better believe there are masculine-identified brides!).
Offbeat Bride is here to welcome you to the world of wedding
planning and speak to you with respect for whatever your visions
are. This book is about throwing the doors open, moving past
reactionary rebelliousness, and helping you celebrate finding your
way to a wedding that feels like you—whoever you are.
Offbeat Bride isn’t about having the weirdest wedding, or being
the first person to ever do that thing at the reception, or wanting
guests to tell you “that was the best wedding ever!”
Offbeat Bride is about authenticity, whether that means your
visions are super elaborate and wild or incredibly streamlined.
Offbeat Bride is here to cheerlead you in your wedding planning,
support you through your challenges, provide inspiration and advice,
and cultivate a sense of inclusivity.
Offbeat Bride is just about celebrating the ways each of us is
offbeat and awesome—not about drawing lines around who’s
“offbeat enough.”
Offbeat Bride is about not taking ourselves too seriously, and
about respecting and celebrating folks who do things differently than
we do.
Offbeat Bride is about inspiring you to do things in a way that
feels right, regardless of whether that’s over-the-top weird or quietly
minimal. I understand now that offbeat isn’t just a spectrum—it’s a
prism. I love all y’all’s love, no matter what it looks like.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that Offbeat Bride is still here for
you, all these years later, because although a lot has changed… a lot
of the realities of wedding planning remain the same. The challenges
of dealing with the dynamics of your family of origin and your
families of choice, the complex project management of wedding
details, trying to reconcile your identity in the face of intense
community and cultural expectations? These are ubiquitous rocky
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