BAKTO'S

TERRIFYING
CUISINE
Giuliano Roverato
4
BAKTO'S
TERRIFYING
CUISINE

5
Written by Giuliano Roverato.
Copyediting and proofreading by Jared Sinclair.
Graphic design by Micah Anderson.
Art by Silva João.
Published by Spear Witch.

Copyright 2023 Giuliano Roverato.

This product is an independent production of Spear

Witch. Redistribution without prior written consent
is prohibited. Permission is granted to photocopy and
otherwise reproduce for personal use. The author
retains the right to be identified as such. In all cases
this notice must remain intact.

First printing.

TVG0003

ISBN 979-8-218-36222-5

6
The entrance to the Kitchen Arena appears only to those
hungry or foolish enough to find it. Perhaps a dusty pantry
in a backwater restaurant, or a forgotten refrigerator in the
basement of a busy hotel. The door closes behind you—it
never opens again. At the bottom of a long set of pristine
stairs, Bakto awaits.

7
BAKTO IS A
Attribute

DEMON
WHO IS
ALLERGIC
TO , Allergy

AND IS
HUNGRY
FOR A
AND
Flavor 1

DISH.
Flavor 2

8
Attribute
1. Pouty
2. Spaced-Out
3. Hard-of-Hearing
4. Hyped-Up
5. Passive-Aggressive
6. Life Coach
7. Golfer
8. Failed Poet
9. Streamer
10. Catboy
11. Youth Pastor
12. Funky

Allergy
1. Stand-Up Comedy
2. Learning
3. Backwards Spelling
4. Breaking The Fourth Wall
5. Musical Theatre
6. Relationships
7. Advertising
8. Public Displays of Affection
9. Catchphrases
10. Robots
11. Paradoxes
12. Communism

9
Flavor 1
1. Traumatizing
2. Sacrilegious
3. Polarizing
4. Idyllic
5. Erotic
6. Dramatic
7. Sneaky
8. Memetic
9. Occult
10. Pyrrhic
11. Artificial
12. Melodramatic

Flavor 2
1. Distant
2. Nostalgic
3. Belgian
4. Passionate
5. Good Fucking Food
6. À La Toscana
7. Pickled
8. Entropic
9. Nuclear
10. Anxious
11. Indebted
12. Loud

10
Bakto
The Demonic Chef, master of the Kitchen Arena,
Conqueror of the Qu, and the hungriest being alive.
Bakto has no stats. He has never been, and could
never be, bested in a physical confrontation. No
matter how zany Bakto may appear, he is impossibly
strong, and fighting him is useless—only his allergy can
kill him. Beyond his chef’s garments, Bakto carries a
full set of rubedite dishware (39), which he is very
happy to brag about to anyone who will listen.

11
Running the Adventure
Once the challengers reach Kitchen Arena, Bakto
introduces himself, his two preferred flavors, and the
conditions of his culinary challenge.
Challengers have 20 turns to gather ingredients
from around the dungeon and return to Kitchen
Arena. It takes one Turn to move from one point to
another, or to fully interact with a room. Put 1d20 in
the middle of the table, and set it to 20. Each Turn,
reduce the number by one. Anyone who is not in
Kitchen Arena at the end of the twentieth Turn
becomes an appetizer for Bakto.
Bakto watches over the dungeon at all times,
announcing the number of Turns left and commenting
on challengers’ actions (especially their mistakes). He
can always see what challengers are doing.
At the end of 20 Turns, judging begins. Players have
20 real-time minutes to invent a unique dish to
appease Bakto’s peculiar tastes—if they do not,
Bakto eats them instead. He waits up to five extra
minutes if the infighting and finger-pointing are
especially entertaining.
Bakto expects the challengers to extravagantly
explain the nature of their dish before he eats it, judges
it, and scores it. He awards the dish from one to three
points in each of the following categories:
• Creativity
• Presentation
• Compliance with his Demonic Preferences
A total score of six or more satisfies Bakto. Nine
makes him shed a single tear. Less than six means
death. Bakto presents surviving challengers with one
immortal hen (34) as a prize.

12
The Dungeon
Walls of glistening marble in red and white, like a
choice cut of meat, and salty to the taste. The hallways
are silent and dark. The air is thick, almost edible. A
low, throbbing sound comes from deep within the
walls. Unless otherwise stated, every room is fully lit by
floating pseudo-suns.
Massive double doors in black stone connect the
halls to the rooms. They are all unlocked, but
extremely heavy—they open very slowly and loudly.
The stone is cold, covered in a thin veneer of moisture,
and completely soundproof.

13
 15

4 3

6
7

14
 14 13 12

1 11

ENTRANCE

9 10

1 TURN

15
Random Encounters
1-in-6 chance of an encounter every Turn in the hallways.
1. A battle rages between a unit of four Carrot Knights
and eight Porcini Goblins carrying a squirming
worm sausage (36).
2. A Butter Golem stumbles around with a butter sword (38)
sticking out of its back. He seems okay.

16
3. A scantily clad chef mumbles to himself along the
corridor. He is jittery, afraid of bright lights, and
unpredictable. He gives incomprehensible hints as
to the location of various special ingredients.
4. The Potato Knight is maliciously frying a group of
four Porcini Goblins.
5. Four Red Cinnamon Skeletons play dead along the path.
6. A Blue Coral Crab scuttles along the ceiling, looking
for treasure.
7. An Ice Cream Demon stalks the party, its sloshy feet
moving only when they do. If noticed, it charges
right into its prey, gurgling out its incoherent
battle cry.
8. Chocolicia, a Swiss Roll Warmaster (Level 2
Fighter), lays unconscious in the middle of the
hallway. She mumbles “sugar sugar sugar,” ad
nauseam. She will die in 2 Turns without sugar.
Extremely loyal to whoever saves her.
9. This hallways is completely flooded with wine! The
wine does not drain, even when the hallway doors
are opened.
10. Bruno, a protein artist, runs an impromptu hot pot
station. Two Porcini Goblins and two beet-folk
begrudgingly follow Bruno’s instructions, both
groups too hungry to complain. Those who add
something to the pot before partaking of its stewy
goodness heal 1 Flesh.
11. A steaming hot, giant omelet completely blocks the
passage. A lone Porcini Goblin dutifully “excavates”
it, his belly nearly full to bursting.
12. A big, red, chunky Sandwich Dragon licks the gooey
cheese that oozes from the walls here. It sniffs out
and attempts to eat any ingredients the challengers
are carrying, like a slobbering dog trying to steal a
cookie from a toddler.

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1. Kitchen Arena
In the center of this decommissioned arena, a platform
rises through clouds of smoke. Spotlights show the
name BAKTO emblazoned upon the platform in shining
gold. An invisible crowd screams in ecstasy at Bakto’s
every word, and boos the challengers’ every move.
Kitchenware of every imaginable kind hangs in
four color-coded zones here. The rubedite pots and
pans (39) appear to have been roughly cut from the
same giant piece of coal-like stone, and inlaid with red
demonic runes. Each zone also contains a set of color-
coordinated aprons and chef’s hats.

2. Wine Cellar
This cellar contains 55 casks of fine wine covered in
cobwebs and mold. Seven Red Cinnamon Skeletons
patrol the various rows of kegs, their golden jewelry
tinkling against their bones like a xylophone.
The skeletons ignore trespassers as long as they
don’t get in their way or touch any of the wine casks.
They will never do anything that could potentially
harm a cask of wine.
One cask stands out due to its playful label,
featuring two smiling men and title, “Les Hommes au
Vin” (34). Another of the casks contains the Cat God
of Wines (4-in-6 chance each time one is opened). He
wears a fancy jacket and acts like a very hungry cat.
Accustomed to being
worshipped, he speaks only in
meows, but is completely
omniscient and omnipotent in
matters of wine.

18
3. The Great Fridge
A cloud of ever-falling snow obscures the ceiling. Nine
giant cuts of jabberwock meat (34) hang from meat
hooks. Most of the walls are covered with shelves
containing 100 bricks of unicorn butter (36).
In one corner, an infernal ice cream machine
sounds a mechanical roar, rattling violently and
waiting for prey. It serves a single Ice Cream Infernal at
anyone who approaches it. If exorcised, the machine
turns anything put inside of it into sentient ice cream.
When picked up or inspected, each brick of butter
has a 3-in-6 chance to be a Butter Golem.

19
4. Candy Bar
A shining metal automaton named Totally Human
Giorno runs this tiny (but cozy) bar, complete with
seedy lighting and smooth jazz. The scant light
bounces across the extensive collection
of alcohol behind the
bartender, an amber
corona enveloping them.

20
 Giorno doesn’t know they’re an automaton, they
only know that nothing makes them happier than
people tasting their drinks. They offer all manner of
alcohol for free, but they insist on mixing them into
strange, disgusting cocktails.
In the corner, a tiny candy machine holds an
assortment of swirly, spherical sweets. They fall from
the mouth of a carved demon’s face when any coin is
spun into the contraption.
1. Jawbreaker. Literally breaks the jaw of anyone who
bites into it.
2. Lisergia. Hallucinogenic. Makes you move in
slow motion.
3. Licorice Snake Egg. Cracks open to reveal a licorice
snake (harmless but loyal).
4. Mimic Stick. Grants the ability to copy the form of
any object you can see for one day.
5. Parasite. A random limb becomes a sentient,
transparent tentacle.
6. Blackberry. Eyes become fully black, and see only in
black and white.

21
5. Dressing Room
Red, green, and blue chef’s coats hang beneath faded
paintings. The folk of the Garden Kingdom treat those
who wear these coats as living saints. A bounty of
dried and rotting vegetables lies beneath the racks, the
faint smell of myrrh still lingering in the air.
1-in-6 chance of catching a lonely potato-folk named
Spud in the middle of a prayer. Spud wishes that the
war between the garden people and the Porcini Goblins
would end, so they could visit their friend Garblag in
the Goblin Market. Garblag has been dead for weeks,
killed by raiding parties from the Garden Kingdom. The
buddies want to find a way out of Bakto's realm to live
happily somewhere—anywhere—else.

6. Goblin Market
Hundreds of Porcini Goblins live and barter amongst
themselves in an anthill of trash and laughter. Here
one can find most commonly available food items
(except vegetables) available for trade.
The goblins are currently at war with the Garden
Kingdom, and craving veggies. Fresh vegetables are
worth their weight in gold here—the goblins will trade
all sorts of items and favors for them.
The Obscenely Tender Porcini King (Level 1
Fighter) leads his people from atop the highest pile of
garbage, and wields a pair of lenguals (38). He cares
very little about the war (like most of the goblins), and
is more concerned with finding a suitable companion
for his son—he offers the Prince up to any vegetable-
bearing adventurer who will have him, with the
lenguals as a wedding gift. The Porcini Prince is an
angsty teen, currently involved in a secret love affair
with the Potato Princess. He begs the challengers to
escort him to the Garden Kingdom, believing their
love will end the war (it will not).

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Trade goods (random garbage):
1. A portable video game console, a Melon Quest
cartridge still in the slot. Batteries not included.
2. A laser pointer.
3. A defunct tabletop RPG (missing a lot of pages),
and and some non-Platonic dice.
4. A pair of flashy sports shoes (the wearer can double
jump and wall run).
5. A handful of paperclips.
6. A six-pack of expired soda, still mostly bubbly
(probably poisonous).
7. The SHINZO 3000, a viciously serrated knife
capable of cutting through anything exactly once
before losing its edge.
8. A chubby, orange cat.
9. A bottle of sugar pills, labeled “PAINKILLER X.”
10. A pack of sedative cigarettes, guaranteed to put
down a dragon.
11. A cool pair of sunglasses that provide convenient
protection from any form of blinding
(completely opaque lenses, can’t see while
wearing them).
12. A giant foam finger.

23
7. Tool Forge
A fork, a spoon, and a knife atop an anvil bicker
endlessly about which of them is the best chef. All
three claim to know Bakto’s allergy, but only the knife
tells the truth. The fork and spoon lie shamelessly.
The knife’s patience has worn away after eons of
bickering. It screams when talking, and simply has no
time for those who don’t follow its convoluted train
of thought.
The fork does not care about anything—it is just
here for the chaos. It tells the most outrageous lies, and
promises the impossible. If freed, it lies about the
allergy, and rats the challengers out to Bakto.
The spoon is jealous of the knife. It speaks calmly
and rationally to challengers, but plays dumb with
the knife to annoy it. If freed, it talks endlessly about
the good old days, and lies about Bakto’s allergy—but
it does offer excellent tips about any dish the
challengers intend to prepare.

8. Eldritch Oven
A humongous obsidian oven—sized for a giant—with
glowing red runes carved across its surface. Salt yams (35)
peek out of the ash dunes that lay knee-deep across the
entirety of the room, as more slowly extrude from the
oven’s gaping mouth.
The runes describe a ritual chant, identifiable by
those skilled in magic, which fuses any two things
inside the oven by cooking it for 2 Turns. The oven’s
door closes automatically when the chant starts. For
the duration of the ritual, 2d6 Ash Zombies rise up
every Turn.
If the runes are inscribed in red onto another
object, it acquires the same fusing properties as the
oven, and responds to the same ritual chant.

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9. Recipe Library
Crumbling papyrus scrolls line the walls and shelves
here. Ghost pepper (33) branches hang from the ceiling
like festival lanterns, their spectral glow casting a
pallid tint over the room. A lonely melon boy reads a
manga atop one of the shelves, his tiny legs swinging as
he whistles a jolly tune. He is a carefree and curious
child, and eager to make new, tall friends. He likes to
pick his nose and read manga—his favorite manga is
Fighting Comic, a long-running series about fighting
and metanarratives (he only cares about the fighting).
He is completely oblivious to the fact that he is made
of the most absurdly sweet melon in existence (35). He
introduces himself as Meronpa.
On the ground, 4d6+2 Slug Moths flail around,
drawn blindly to flame and blood.
A scroll of Flesh to Pie (38) lies hidden among the
library’s shelves (one Turn searching to find). A Turn
spent in research here allows players to
consult the internet for
five minutes of real time.

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10. Throne Room
A sea of perfectly preserved meat pies surrounds the
slumped figure of a Lich Chef, his crooked neck resting
unnaturally upon a sunbleached throne. He clutches a
half-eaten baked sun (32), locked inside a polyhedral
glass case.
Wading through the pies awakens the Lich Chef.
He keeps a rubedite key to the Chamber of Qu inside
his toque.

26
11. Temple of Water
Six moaning Moon Frogs fight among themselves for
their share of the moon water (35) dripping from the
single eyehole of a mummified giant. Giant iron stakes
pierce the giant's red chef's garments, pinning its body
to the cracked wall behind.
Moon Frogs don’t take well to visitors, but are also
completely blind. They track down the nearest
source of moisture to sate their everlasting thirst,
using their ghostliness to pass through solid matter
in their pursuit.
The source of the moon water can be traced down
into the guts of the giant, to a violet lung-looking
organ (36) that pulsates rhythmically.

12. Aquarium
A Blue Coral Crab is the possessive owner of this hoard.
It is a staunch believer in meritocracy, and hates
thieves more than anything. There is a 3-in-6 chance
it’s sleeping soundly atop its hoard; otherwise, it’s out
in the dungeon hunting for more treasure.
If its hoard is stolen, the crab relentlessly pursues
challengers through the dungeon. He bursts into the
next room the challengers interact with at the worst
moment imaginable.

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13. The Big Coop
An uneven minefield of gigantic, sharp eggshells and
moldy feathers, all under the shadow of a sleeping
chicken the size of a castle. A mere cluck from such a
powerful bird leaves a mortal's ears ringing for days—
no eardrum could survive its scream intact. Otherwise,
it’s just an old chicken. Its feathers are guaranteed to
make anyone with nostrils sneeze.
Seven deafened Porcini Goblins hang from the
chicken, grooming and caring for the bird. If asked, the
goblins reveal that the cosmic egg (32) under the
chicken’s bulk will birth a new dimension when it
hatches, and that anyone prepared to sieze the
moment could force their will upon it. The goblins just
want to make a huge omelet for the Obscenely Tender
Porcini King, but the chicken screams when anyone
touches the egg. So they’re just hanging out.
The chicken dies from old age before the
challengers come to this room a second time—the egg
is now free for the taking. The goblins mourn the
chicken. None have the courage to carve it up or steal
its egg now.

28
14. The Garden Kingdom
A pseudo-romantic feudal realm filled with tiny,
living, and extremely xenophobic vegetables. They’re
all about chivalry and riding rabbits. Tiny converted
mole-hill houses dot the fields of pristine plastic grass,
and a crayon mural of a blue sky covers the ceiling. 33
carrot-folk, 33 potato-folk, 33 broccoli-folk and 33
beet-folk live in peace and harmony here.
At the center of the kingdom, the Holy Jambu (34)
floats and glows like a setting sun. 2d6 Carrot Knights
protect it at all times. The garden people, led by The
Potato Knight, intend to exterminate all Porcini Goblins
to protect their Holy Jambu. Common belief around
here is that gardenfolk who forsake the Holy Jambu
and the Great Creator turn into porcini goblins as
punishment for their apostasy. This is all a lie created
by Bakto.
The gardenfolk treat anyone in a chef’s coat as
living saints.
The Potato Princess is the royal leader of all
gardenfolk. She sits upon her throne atop a mole
hill decorated with rose petals, where a loyal beet
servant cares for her. It’s plain to see: she was
born without sentience, and is just a potato with a
face hastily drawn on it, but none of the
gardenfolk are willing to acknowledge that.
Her beet servant moves her body and does
her voice like a puppet whenever she
needs to address the populace.

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15. Chamber of Qu
The door to this room is locked—it requires the key
from the Throne Room.
As the door opens, reality fades, and colors reverse like
a photo negative. Space loses all meaning inside an
endless, black void. At its center, beneath veiled clouds
of impossible colors, lies the Half-Eaten God, pierced
by a massive rubedite fork (39). Ganglionic mushrooms
(33) sprout from His festering wounds, filling the air
with a smell like white noise. The rubedite fork is held
in the Half-Eaten God’s flesh by paradox forces—one
must push it deeper, not pull, to remove it. Anyone
who eats the flesh of this God collapses into
themselves, and disappears completely: from reality,
from history, and from all memory.
The Half-Eaten God sleeps unceasingly. The
mixture of his blood and his twisted dreams has
opened a portal above him to a new dimension inside
the clouds: Gurgula. Anyone thinking of going to this
other dimension has an unshakeable, sinking feeling
that it is a terrible idea. Gurgula is a washed-out,
infinite plane of decay. The place where time itself goes
to die. Everything there appears as if viewed in a faded
photograph, physical reality itself rendered in low
resolution, slowly fading from comprehension,
polygonal and finite.
Anyone entering Gurgula has only a 1-in-100 chance
ever to return. If they do make it back, they have aged
severely, and have become paranoid after spending
centuries in dire survival in the other dimension—a
period that lasts mere minutes in this dimension. They
cannot talk about what they saw there.

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31
Ingredients
Baked Sun | The fluffiest bread known to exist. It
glows white-hot like a small sun, floating six inches
above whatever surface it sits upon. Breaking the bread
makes it safe for consumption, but cutting it with a
blade has a 1-in-6 chance of causing a tiny atomic
explosion that fully destroys everything nearby. It pairs
perfectly with butter. The bread has a sweet aftertaste,
and fills you with the warmth of a meal cooked by a
loved one. Its aroma is that of a busy bakery just
moments before the first loaf of bread comes out of
the oven.
Cosmic Egg | A perfectly shaped egg the size and
weight of a full-grown cow. Its shell swirls in a moving,
pearlescent pattern—hypnotizing, and positively
unbreakable. Legend says an unborn dimension
gestates inside it. To crack the egg, a person must first
force their will upon it—imagine a new dimension, or
reach deep into their dreams for a novel seed. The egg
rejects boring ideas, and those that already exist. Once
it cracks, a portal to the new dimension opens for five
seconds before collapsing, leaving behind only its
highly nutritious contents. Those who consume the egg
are reborn as a messiah into the new dimension after
they pass away, destined to bring about the end of that
reality. The taste and smell of the egg are determined
by the dimension it brought into existence. The egg’s
shell is frictionless and immune to magic.

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Ganglionic Mushroom | Normal-looking mushrooms,
but born of the flesh of a dying god—decomposed
reality and coherence. Do not, under any
circumstances, eat the ganglionic mushroom. Biting
into one is like biting into your own brain,
compressing reality with every bite. Once it reaches
your stomach, it changes your senses around: sight
becomes hearing, hearing becomes taste, and so on (4-
in-6 chance to die from sensory overload). Survivors
gain a new sense, as teratomas form in their brain.
They are now able to feel the minds of others, but
must permanently sacrifice another sense: there can
only be five. The mushroom tastes like a broken nose,
and smells like white noise.
Ghost Peppers | Thick, translucent peppers on a hearty
vine, swaying to even the slightest breeze. Black dots
like poppy seeds float suspended inside the ethereal
pepper, swirling in the undulating shape of an
eternally tormented face. Anyone who touches one is
overcome with a feeling of deep sorrow. The peppers
are unspeakably spicy, and contain the dying memories
of long-dead souls. These memories are all bittersweet,
birthed out of the person’s last living moments—when
you eat a ghost pepper, you cry from grief as well as
spice. The ghost pepper tastes like an open wound
rubbed thoroughly with sand, and smells strongly of
natural gas. On the palate, it feels for a moment like
extremely soggy paper, but the flesh melts away almost
too fast for the mind to comprehend. Unbearable spice
radiates outward through the mouth and nose, then
across the entire body, then is gone.

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Holy Jambu | A prickly, numbing flower. It glows with
a faint golden hue. The Holy Jambu is the most prized
possession of the Garden Kingdom—should it ever be
destroyed, the people of the Kingdom perish with it.
Eating just one bite anesthetizes the tongue, leaving
behind a gentle vibrating feeling and stimulating the
appetite. Eating the whole fruit, however, numbs the
soul, permanently destroying a person's ability to feel
emotions. The fruit tastes like cress, but more intense.
It smells, like the hopes and dreams of the Garden
Kingdom, earthy and wistful.
Immortal Hen | A truly immortal, but sickly looking
chicken. It always regenerates, no matter how little of
it is left. Were it eaten whole, it would simply reform
nearby in less than a minute.
Jabberwock Meat | Dry-aged sirloin wrapped in spider
silk. It hisses when touched.The meat is highly
flammable, and must be eaten raw, or cooked lightly
over an extremely low fire. Otherwise, the resulting
fireball could engulf an entire kitchen. Those who eat
jabberwock meat permanently lose the ability to speak
any intelligible language. It tastes like chortled nuts
with a hint of rosewater, and smells like cat piss and
rust. Those inhaling deeply sneeze thirteen times over
the next day, always at the most inopportune moment.
Les Hommes au Vin | A thick dusty keg of wine,
covered in thick cobwebs and black mold. The label
depicts a pair of poorly-drawn men dancing morosely
with glasses of wine in their hands, each shedding a
single tear. The barrel does not actually contain wine,
but a slurry of rare vermillion bacteria (when
consumed, Save or become a puddle of wine, otherwise
have bloodshot eyes permanently). Tastes sour like
vinegar, with a faint flavor of onions. The mouthfeel is
strange and slimy, with an aftertaste like tears.

34
Moon Water | Looks like mercury, and is always
flowing, even when contained in a bottle or bowl.
Droplets occasionally float away from its main body.
With some patience, one can hold and shape a stream
of moon water with their bare hands. Anything bathed
in this water floats as if it were on the moon. Drinking
it causes a never-ending thirst—the tongue shrivels
and dries. The only known way to quench this thirst is
to consume ever more moon water. It tastes like
electricity and orange zest, and smells like mint.
The Most Absurdly Sweet Melon in Existence | Perfect in
every regard—always perfectly ripe, its glistening and
succulent flesh the color of a setting sun. It is thought
to be extinct across all possible existences. Eating the
melon cures any disease, and brings the dead back to
life. It restores the joy of living, if only for a brief
moment, by conjuring happy memories. If a person has
no happy memories, it causes extreme paranoia and
teeth grinding, instead. It tastes like the most absurdly
sweet melon in existence, and smells like the most
absurdly sweet melon in existence.
Red Cinnamon Bone | A human bone with the texture
of cinnamon, and pockmarked with red mold. Sounds
like a xylophone when struck. The bone is commonly
ground up and snorted for its palate-enhancing
qualities, making all senses more vivid and clear—the
process feels like someone ripping your nose from your
face (it also causes temporary blindness and is mildly
hallucinogenic). It tastes like extra-smoky cinnamon,
and smells like wet firewood.
Salt Yam | A deformed, heart-shaped root, dusty and
ashen. Translucent fur pulses over its uneven surface,
reaching out for the breath of the living. Anything
cooked with it turns into a salty mess. Incidentally, it
can also serve as a replacement heart, and can make
dead tissue come back to life. It tastes like dirt and
hair, soaked in seawater. Smells like wet dog.

35
Squirming Worm Sausage | Blotchy, chunky, and
uneven. The sausage writhes uncontrollably, and
slithers out of hands and bags if not properly
restrained. It never stops moving, even after it’s
cooked. When it comes into contact with gastric juices
(or any sufficiently similar digestive system), a giant,
translucent, flesh-eating Squirming Worm bursts out
(this kills anyone who isn’t Bakto, who just gets mild
indigestion instead). The sausage tastes like dirt, and
smells like clay and gasoline. It actively crawls into
your mouth, sticking to your tongue like a snail.
Unicorn Butter | A perfectly cut brick of butter, about
the size of an infant. Its smooth surface has a rainbow
sheen, like oil on water. Anything cooked in unicorn
butter has its flavor profile inverted: bland becomes
salty, sweet becomes sour, and so forth. It also makes
things sparkle in the light. Consuming large quantities
makes your blood glow in the dark, visible even
through skin. It tastes like soggy cotton candy, left out
in the sun for an afternoon. The sensation it leaves on
your tongue is transparent and cold, then it melts in
your mouth like sparkling water. Its aroma lingers
faintly, like the perfume of a long-lost lover.
Violet Lung-Looking Organ | Known as “Kuva” among
the giants, this is perhaps the choicest cut of meat
available, cultivated inside the body of a tormented
giant for at least two centuries. Once it reaches
maturity, this still-living tissue secretes excess moon
water (35). Eaten raw, this delicacy increases one's
longevity and overall size. Organs grow, skin stretches,
and bones grow taller—a painful and almost
immediate process beloved by bold gourmands and
weightlifters the world over. The organ tastes like ice-
cold beets. Eating it is like trying to bite into a soggy,
cold, deflated balloon. It smells like licorice.

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37
Magic Items
Butter Sword | The mere touch of this blade turns any
matter into butter (Save to negate). It cuts through
organic substances like a hot knife, severing limbs and
appendages as if they were—well, butter.
Flesh to Pie | This spell turns a fleshy humanoid into a
perfectly preserved meat pie with a satisfying “pop”
(Save to negate). The pie is always warm, and the meat
is always pork. Its taste is familiar and homely, and
cannot be altered by mortal hands.
Secretly, the spell sends the target to Literal Hell
and replaces them with a Hell Pie. Made from the flesh
of a hell-forged swine, this tasty treat is a favorite
among all demonkind. There is no way to transform
someone back from the pie, since they weren't
technically transformed into the pie in the first place.
Leaf Sword | A harmless-looking leaf, dagger-sized for a
human. It releases a deadly neurotoxin when it comes
in contact with bare skin (Save vs poison or die), but it
cannot harm plants or their protectors.
Lenguals | A pair of tongue-textured gloves that allow
the wearer to taste and identify the composition of
anything they touch. They are slimy and make an awful
slobbering sound—don't expect to be able to hold on to
much of anything while wearing these.

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Red Soapstone Plate | Anything put on this plate can
have its temperature adjusted, from freezing cold all the
way to piping hot, as desired. The plate glows in the
dark, and explodes if broken. Shards of these plates are
commonly used as chalk to write poorly thought-out
sentences across dungeon walls.
Rubedite Dishware | Forged by the Qu from the blood
of demons, rubedite can pierce and hold any form of
matter and antimatter. Dishware made from rubedite
allows the Qu to consume stars, gods, and even entropy
itself at one point. Effortlessly controlled by one's
mind—as long as they remain conscious. The perfect
kitchen aids.

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Alternate
Modes of Play
Secret Ingredient
Challenge
In addition to the normal challenge Bakto issues, he
might reveal (and provide) a secret ingredient. The
ingredient must be the centerpiece of the final dish.
Roll an ingredient on the table below, and go
around the table asking each player to define one of its
qualities: look, taste, mouthfeel, smell, and effect.
If you’re feeling creative, you can write these
ingredients down, replace some of the adventure’s old
ingredients with your new creations, and alter the
rooms to reflect these new ingredients. There, you now
have a brand new adventure!
1. Dragon Tuna Steak
2. Undead Cheese
3. Tin of Pork Snuff
4. Steamed Nightmare Bun
5. Minotaur Ribs
6. Dust Apple
7. Slime Honey
8. Sentient Burger
9. Pickled Hot Dog
10. Thousand-Needle Sea Urchin
11. Dried Faeries
12. One Really Long Black Vermin
13. Blood Butter
14. Dragon Tongue
15. Angel Milk
16. Black Tomato

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17. Steamed Hams
18. Dice Candy
19. Moonlight Bread
20. Spinal Fluid Whiskey
21. Thousand-Year-Old Tofu
22. Eel Wax
23. Hellforged Swine
24. Salt Rice
25. Instant Ghost Noodles
26. Blue Moon Coffee
27. Rafflesia Tea
28. Bloodfly Wine
29. Canned Imp
30. Silver Truffle Coins
31. Black Mold Vanilla
32. Freshly Mined Chocolate
33. Volcanic Salt
34. Calcified Shallot
35. Green Devil Absinthe
36. Emerald Salt
37. Powder Keg Sausage
38. Sun Root
39. Pink Coral Meat
40. Phosphorescent Beetles
41. Seven-Valved Demonic Heart
42. Giant's Toejam
43. Low-Poly Bone
44. Invisible Cabbage
45. Undyne's Tears
46. Vermicelli Snakes
47. Pus-Filled Maggots
48. Crystalline Mantis
49. Violent Palm Heart
50. Deeproot Onion
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Rubedite Chef Challenge
Bakto summons a rival adventuring party composed of
former victors—his very own cadre of Rubedite Chefs.
They venture into the dungeon at the same time as
the challengers to search for ingredients, while also
trying to hinder the challengers. No matter the theme,
the Rubedite Chefs do a superb job, and Bakto is
severely biased towards their dish. They play dirty and
they ruthlessly cheat—just like the players.
Unless seriously hindered, the Rubedite Chefs
always score an 8 during the judging phase (-1 point
for each major hindrance the challengers inflicted
on them).
Neither side is allowed to murder the other. Doing
so prompts Bakto to destroy both parties—the
solemnity of culinary competition must be respected.
Beyond that, anything goes.
You can use the rival party below, or use player
characters who have previously triumphed over
Kitchen Arena.

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The Rubedite Chefs
Stroganoff
Goblin cleric. Magic-User 2, AC 1.
A purple little fella, the party’s leader. His skin is
blotchy and chunky, just like a plate of beef stroganoff.
Possessed by an adventurous demon, red lighting
crackles through his body. In tense situations, the
lightning grows more intense, and his kind demeanor
changes to violence.
Belongings:
• Frying Pan. As shield, grants immunity to fire.
• Chef’s Machete. As small sword.
• Holy Laser Pointer. Very distracting.
Strategy:
• As a devotee of a demonic patron, Stroganoff can
call red lightning down upon his enemies. Red
lightning does not hurt. Instead, it causes people to
turn violent. Useful for sowing conflict and taking
advantage of the ensuing chaos to act.
• Can pray to summon red phantom copies of his
opponents (2-in-6 chance of working).
• Otherwise, he just stands in the back issuing orders.
Phrases:
• “Greetings! I’m Stroganoff, The Goblin Cleric!”
• “FEAR ME FOR I AM THE BRINGER OF
DEATH THE SWORD OF THE VERY SUN
THAT HUNGERS FOR THE DESTRUCTION
OF THIS FEEBLE MORTAL PLANE.”
• “WHY. WON’T. YOU. DIE!!!!”
• “Oof. Oh hey, hello there! I'm Stroganoff, the
Goblin cleric!”

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The Golden One
Pseudo-humanoid parasite. Fighter 2, AC 4.
Covered neck-to-toe in solid gold, and with his head
wrapped in a length of itchy gold fabric, he is probably
human. The textile wrap elongates his head into an
unusual shape. He never speaks, but likes to pose
dramatically to express himself.
Belongings:
• Parasitic Golden Cloth. This living, sentient cloth
is the actual chef—the human body is merely its
host. The cloth can reform itself into rope or extra
limbs, and can control any humanoid it successfully
attaches itself to.
• Giant Golden Fork. As spear.
• Two Buckets of Gold Paint.
• One Bar of Solid Gold. A beloved memento.
Strategy:
• Tries to unsettle his opponents with his weird
poses and demeanor.
• Throws gold paint to confuse enemies, and to ruin
dishes and gear.
• When in mortal danger, attempts to possess one of
the challengers.
Phrases:
• T-poses to assert dominance.
• Does a cartwheel when happy.
• Makes an “X” with his host body when unhappy.

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Fireball
Hairless feline. Magic-User 1, AC 0.
A perpetually flaming sphinx cat, decked out in
(fireproof) chef’s clothing. Jittery, speaks in a screechy
and shaky voice. Fireball is a gentle soul, but too afraid
of their companions' reactions to make friends. Always
floating just above the ground.
Belongings:
• Lunchbox Full of Anime Meat. Perfectly roasted,
falls off the bone.
• A Recent Issue of Modern Pyromancer Magazine.
• Ball of Red Yarn. When stretched between two
hooks, this yarn is like a laser beam—very painful.
Strategy:
• Sets up traps to stall competitors’ movement.
• Lights things on fire by touching them.
• Casts Fireball when scared (easily scared by loud
noises, sudden movement, and strangers).
Phrases:
• “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…”
• “Guys, can we leave? I hate dark places.”
• “Eeek! Sorry about that! I didn’t mean to burn you!”

45
Yara
Ghost. Fighter 1. AC 0.
A literal ghost, ethereal and always sad. She is the
party’s scout: incapable of dying, able to phase through
walls and generally able to do ghost stuff. Often bored,
she loves to tease and mock challengers for fun. She
wishes she could find a ghost girlfriend.
Belongings:
• Allium Bident.
• Ghost Dog Companion.
• White Blanket. Covers her whole ghostly body.
Strategy:
• Hides out of sight whenever possible, gathering
tactical information.
• Uses her ghostly attributes to spook the challengers.
• Steals stuff when folks are distracted.
Phrases:
• “Nuffin’ to see here guv’!”
• “Boo?”
• “Life’s shite innit?”
• “Oi, I ain’t got all day…”

46
Running the Rubedite
Chefs
The Rubedite Chefs always go first. They enter the
dungeon and quickly disappear. They have access to
secret passages throughout the dungeon, allowing them
to seemingly be anywhere at any time.
You can track their position on the map, making
note of what they do each Turn, laying ambushes,
and all that. Alternatively, you can use the
following method.
Every time challengers enter a room beyond the
first, roll or pick from this list to see what the
Rubedite Chefs are doing or have done:
1. They are stalking
the party from
behind.
2. They have laid a
trap in this room.
3. They are
currently
interacting with
the room.
4. The party has
caught them
unawares.
5. They are running
away, deeper into
the dungeon.
6. They are acquiring a special ingredient here.
7. They are attempting to steal a special ingredient (or
a valuable piece of equipment) from the party.
8. They are opening a secret door (leads to a random
unexplored room).
9. They have booby-trapped an ingredient.
10. They are hiding in the room, staging an ambush.

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Tournament Mode
This mode is especially good for running in a
convention setting, with multiple tables, each with
their own GM. Each table plays the dungeon
individually, all with the same Bakto. Everyone has
three hours to complete the adventure before all
groups move to the judging phase.
During judging, the GMs sit together on one side
of a table (preferably a long, garishly decorated one).
Each group, one at a time, presents their dish, and the
GMs score each of the dishes according to the standard
rules (12).
The team with the highest combined score wins!
Make sure to give the winners an incredibly cheap
trophy or something.

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Enemies
Name HD AC Special
Obsidian shard dagger. Dies
instantly if its salt yam heart is
Ash Zombie 1 0 destroyed. On death, bursts into
a cloud of ash (all nearby Save
or suffocate).
Claw. On hit, maximum damage
Blue Coral Crab 4 6 cuts off a random limb instead.
Immune to non-magical
Butter Golem 3 3 weapons, weak to heat. Leaves a
slippery trail.
Jousting spear. Rides a tawny
Carrot Knight 2 4 rabbit mount.
Fists. Touch freezes one random
Ice Cream Infernal 2 1 body part for 1d6 rounds.
Lich Chef 3 2 Can cast Flesh to Pie at will.
Ghostly tongue, -1 enemy AC.
Moon Frogs 2 1 Blind and floating, ethereal. Feast
on the blood of the dead.
Porcini Goblin 1 2 Toothpick dagger.
3rd-level Fighter. Wields the Leaf
The Potato Knight 3 6 Sword (38).
Scythe. Made of Red Cinnamon
Red Cinnamon 2 2 Bone (35). Wears golden jewelry
Skeleton worth 150 gp.
Slobbering bite. Slobber is acidic,
and corrodes metal equipment unless
Sandwich Lizard 6 8 washed off immediately. Becomes
docile in the presence of a sandwich.
On hit, eat one random item
Slug Moth 1 0 from their target’s inventory, once
per Round. Flies, but poorly.
Multi-layered death mouth,
Squirming Worm 20 12 2d6 damage.

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Bakto’s Terrifying Cuisine is the world’s premier culinary
adventure, perfect for a single session of play with
starving-level adventurers. Challengers scour the
immortal demon’s dungeon in search of ingredients to
create a truly unique dish—all in hopes of appeasing
Bakto's peculiar tastes, and under the pressure of a
ticking clock.
Written for The Vanilla Game, Bakto's Terrifying Cuisine
is the second book in the Spear Witch Adventure
Writers’ Series.