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ideas, concepts, and reality
John W. Burbidge
this book has been published with the help of a grant from the canadian
Federation for the Humanities and social sciences, through the awards
to scholarly publications program, using funds provided by the social
sciences and Humanities research council of canada.
prologue 3
P a rt O n e F r o m I d e a s to C o n c e p t s 11
1 Frege and psychologism 13
2 From sensations to ideas: the empiricists 20
3 How ideas emerge: Hegel 31
4 language 39
5 From retentive to Mechanical Memory 48
6 thoughts and descartes’s rules 57
7 second rule: analysis and definition 64
8 third rule: synthesis and Unity 74
9 Fourth rule: comprehensiveness 81
10 conceiving 90
P a rt T wo Tendrils of Thought 97
11 Hegel’s Logic 99
12 syllogisms 107
13 Modus ponens et al. 113
14 arguments from analogy 124
15 linguistic Variations 136
Acknowledgments 165
Index 167
from rhetorical devices that sound like good reasons but are in fact
deceptive. and scholars have undertaken much research into the de-
tails of these operations. none the less this whole subdiscipline lives
in the shadow of its more rigorous counterpart – a poor second best
that may be useful at times when strict validity is not possible but
whose imperfections always point towards its perfect prototype. it
is almost as if its contact with the messiness of actual thinking soils
and besmirches it.
this discrepancy between the pure science of logical validity and
the actual processes of human reasoning has many sources. aristotle
was the first to identify certain forms of good reasoning worthy of
investigation irrespective of the content that thought introduces.
and his schema of valid syllogisms, later augmented by the stoic
philosophers, served as the core of all logical studies until the mid-
nineteenth century. But the contrast between form and content be-
came absolute only in the writings of Gottlob Frege.
the British empiricists had tried to explain the logic of human
thought by appealing to experience. they traced inferences back to
associations and grounded them in sensory encounters with the
world. John stuart Mill goes so far as to say that all the calculations of
mathematics are simply the result of inductive generalizations from
experience.4 patterns have recurred so regularly in the past that peo-
ple assume them to be universal and necessary. in a similar vein,
edmund Husserl, in his early Philosophie der Arithmetik, attempts a psy-
chological analysis of basic logical and mathematical notions.
in his review of Husserl’s work, Frege observes that both the em-
piricists and Husserl committed the fallacy of “psychologism.” each
individual has a distinctive psychological itinerary, which is the prod-
uct of his or her particular experiences, interests, and influences.
one cannot base logic or mathematics on such insecure and variable
foundations. so, Frege says, we need to distinguish between two kinds
of mental entities: Vorstellungen, or ideas, and Begriffe, or concepts.
the first are psychological and idiosyncratic; the second are objective
and independent of the minds thinking them.
i use Frege’s German terms for the two kinds of entities, for en-
glish translators have not been consistent when translating them.
4 John stuart Mill, A System of Logic (london: longmans, 1961), Book ii,
chapter vi, 164ff.
5 even though this use of “idea” does not fit easily with plato’s appeal to ideas or
forms as independent of our thoughts.
6 G.W.F. Hegel: Encyclopaedia Logic, trans. t.F. Geraets, W.a. suchting, and
H.s. Harris (indianapolis: Hackett, 1991), §20, remark, 50. i have replaced their
“representation” by “idea” and demoted their “concept” to the more mundane
“concept.”
how they differ and how they both can function none the less within
a single human mind.
it raises a number of questions: can one ever try to understand the
logic of concepts by appealing to the activity of thinking – of conceiv-
ing? indeed, what is the relationship between the noun “concept”
and the verb “conceive”? if concepts have some kind of independent
subsistence, beyond the realm of normal human experience, how is
it possible that we can on occasion apprehend them and examine
them for their implications and interconnections? if, however,
concepts really are the product of a human activity we might call
“conceiving,” how do they acquire their normative role when the hu-
man mind assesses valid and invalid inferences and acquires knowl-
edge of the world? How can human initiatives – despite the obstacles
of subjective distortion and personal interest – ever become refined
enough to reach universal truths?
once we raise these questions, they spill over into a wide range of
current debates in the academy. on one extreme are people who
claim that all reasoning is human and so subjective: there are no uni-
versal truths; each position, even when established by the most disci-
plined scientist, simply reflects the context and conditioning of the
investigator. on the other extreme, most mathematicians and scien-
tists affirm that it is only by relying on the strict objectivity of mathe-
matical concepts that they can reach definitive conclusions about the
nature of reality – of the cosmos, of the smallest particles, of geologi-
cal formations, of biological development, and indeed of social and
economic life. in between, the discussion of concepts and ideas is
central to epistemology, the philosophy of language, the philosophy
of logic, and even the philosophy of mind.
the critical question is how to proceed. rather than presuming a
position of authority from which to assess theories, both past and
present, it is useful to enter into dialogue with those thinkers who
have reflected on similar questions and proposed subtle and well–
thought out answers. We can learn from their insights, even as we
recognize their limitations. so, in the pages that follow, we encounter
plato, aristotle, the stoics, descartes, locke, Berkeley, Hume, Kant,
Hegel, J.s. Mill, c.s. peirce, and Frege. i introduce each at the point
where his thoughts can contribute to our itinerary.
our initial question structures the first part of that itinerary: how
are ideas related to concepts? Frege sets the stage in chapter 1, with
only his own; and nobody even knows how far his image (say) of red
agrees with somebody else’s.”3 often saturated with feeling, ideas are
internal images, “arising from memories of sense impressions which
i have had and acts, both internal and external, which i have per-
formed.” as a result, it is highly unlikely that two people will have the
same idea, or Vorstellung, for any term that they happen to use in
conversation. “a painter, a horseman, and a zoologist will probably
connect different ideas with the name ‘Bucephalus.’”4 Because “an
idea in the subjective sense is what is governed by the laws of associa-
tion; it is of a sensible, pictorial character;” and so on many occasions
ideas are demonstrably different in different people.5
this is why Frege took his stand against using psychology to explain
the rigours of logical reasoning:
the expression ‘law of thought’ tempts us into viewing these laws as govern-
ing thinking in the same way as the laws of nature govern events in the exter-
nal world. they can be nothing other than psychological laws, since thinking
is a mental process. and if logic were concerned with these psychological
laws, then it would be a part of psychology. and so it is in fact conceived.
these laws of thought can then be conceived as guiding principles in so far
as they indicate a mean, just as we can say what counts as normal human di-
gestion, grammatical speech, or fashionable dress. We can then only say: the
holding as true [Fürwahrhalten] of things by people conforms on average with
these laws, at present and to the best of our knowledge; if one therefore
wants to remain in accordance with this mean, one will conform with them.
But just as what is fashionable today ceases to be fashionable after a while
and is not at present fashionable amongst the chinese, so too the psycho-
logical laws of thought can only be laid down as authoritative with quali-
fications. this is certainly so if logic is concerned with being held as true
[Fürwahrhalten] rather than with being true [Wahrsein]! and these are what
the psychological logicians confuse … in response i can only say: being true is
quite different from being held as true, whether by one, or by many, or by all,
and is in no way to be reduced to it. there is no contradiction in something
being true which is held by everyone as false … if being true is thus indepen-
dent of being recognized as true by anyone, then the laws of truth are not
psychological laws, but boundary stones set in an eternal foundation, which
our thoughts can overflow but not dislodge.6
this sharp dichotomy between psychology and logic rules out any
investigation of logic as a function of some mental activity we might
call “thinking” or “conceiving.” then we would be in danger of defin-
ing as “good” those inferences and associations that appear common
within a certain society or setting. there can be no guarantee that we
are using our minds to reach reliable and true conclusions overall.
none the less Frege does not fall prey to the belief that all thinking
is relative. He distinguishes the subjectivity of Vorstellungen, or ideas,
from the objectivity of concepts and thought, Begriffe und Denken. in
a footnote to The Foundations of Arithmetic, he allows that in everyday
speech Vorstellung may include objects and concepts, both of which
are objective and not subjective, and so the same for all. in this sense,
“an idea in the objective sense belongs to logic and is in principle
non-sensible, although the word which means an objective idea is
often accompanied by a subjective idea, which nevertheless is not its
meaning.”7 But to avoid confusion, Frege limits his use of the term to
only its subjective sense.
so, in “on sense and reference” he distinguishes ideas (Vorstellungen)
from the sense of a sign, “which may be the common property of
many people, and so is not a part or a mode of the individual mind.”8
Because “one and the same thought can be grasped by many men …
the constituents of the thought, and a fortiori things themselves, must
be distinguished from the images that accompany in some minds the
act of grasping the thought – images that each man forms of things.”9
yet there is an interesting phrase in that last citation: “the act
of grasping the thought.” Frege returns to it in a letter to Husserl:
“thoughts are not mental entities, and thinking is not the mental
generation of such entities but the grasping of thoughts which are
already present objectively.”10 For all that concepts and ideas are
objective and the same for everyone, human beings must use their
minds if they are to apprehend them. “the grasp of a thought,” Frege
comments much later, “presupposes someone who grasps it, who
thinks. He is the owner of the thinking, not of the thought. although
the thought does not belong with the contents of the thinker’s con-
sciousness, there must be something in his consciousness that is
aimed at the thought.”11
throughout The Foundations of Arithmetic, Frege makes similar ref-
erences to the intellectual dynamic involved in grasping a thought:
“often it is only after immense intellectual effort, which may have
continued over centuries, that humanity at last succeeds in achieving
knowledge of a concept in its pure form, in stripping off the irrelevant
accretions which veil it from the eye of the mind.” to define a concept
requires a “precise delimitation of the extent of [its] validity.” in an ar-
gument against Mill’s thesis that numbers are the result of inductive
generalizations, he writes: “the three in [a triangle] we do not see
directly; rather we see something upon which we fasten an intellectual
activity of ours leading to a judgement in which the number 3 occurs.”
“the concept,” he goes on to say, with reference to Kant, “has a pow-
er of collecting together far superior to the unifying power of synthetic
apperception.” not only do we acquire concepts “by direct abstraction
from a number of objects. We can, on the contrary, arrive at a con-
cept equally well by starting from defining characteristics; and in such a
way it is possible for nothing to fall under it.”12
so even if concepts are not subjective mental entities but have an
independent existence apart from any mind that happens to think
them, some kind of intellectual activity allows us to think them, an
activity that can involve abstraction, construction, and some kind of
collecting together. indeed, at one point Frege suggests that one can
improve this ability to grasp thoughts when one is able to dissociate
oneself from the particular conditions of one’s native language and
from the associations and feelings that have attached to them: “it is
true that we can express the same thought in different languages; but
13 “logic” [154], in Frege Reader, ed. Beaney, 243 (my italics). to be sure, even
this approach may have flaws, so he goes on to argue for an artifical conceptual
notation.
14 as a graduate student, i learned how this “objective” status of concepts posed
problems for his empirically minded successors, who found it difficult to determine
the ontological status of concepts or of any propositions that incorporated those con-
cepts. they were reluctant to ascribe being or existence to entities that are neither
spatial nor temporal, but eternal.
passively receiving both the input of our senses and the results of
introspection on our internal feelings and functions. copies of these
immediate impressions (as Hume would later call them) become the
ideas that eventually provide the constituents of our beliefs and
knowledge. every thought, then, ultimately derives, and acquires its
justification, from an image impressed on the mind or from a combi-
nation of such images. to be sure, locke allowed that we could iso-
late parts of such original images from their context and focus on
them alone – a process he called “abstraction.” But even so, what is
important about ideas is no result of our mental activity but rather
stems from our individual sensations, which we retain in our memo-
ry and then build into more complex constructions. By grounding
our thoughts in our experience of the world rather than in the con-
structs of our minds, locke maintained, we can reach reliable, and
shared, conclusions.
in making this claim, locke assumed that everyone’s basic experi-
ences, and the processes by which they become ideas, are essentially
similar. He moved easily to a rather surprising affirmation: because of
this shared internal dynamic, anyone who generates abstract ideas
and then expresses them by some kind of signifying sound can easily
establish linguistic communication with other sociable creatures.
there is, however, an unexplained leap in this reasoning. all words,
he says, even those that do not stand for sensible things, “have had
their first rise from sensible ideas.”1 thus “words in their primary or
immediate signification, stand for nothing, but the ideas in the mind
of him that uses them.” Whenever the hearer “represents to himself
other men’s ideas, by some of his own, if he consent to give them the
same names that other men do, ‘tis still to his own ideas; to ideas that
he has, and not to ideas that he has not.”2 none the less, locke con-
tinues, people assume that their interlocutors also have ideas, signi-
fied by the same sounds, and that the sounds stand for the same ideas.
this assumption is justifiable because “men would not be thought to
talk barely of their own imaginations, but of things as they really are;
therefore they often suppose their words to stand also for the reality
3 ibid., §5.
4 ibid., §8.
minds are thinking the same thing, even though they may use the
same word or sign.
do not simply reflect what the person originally sensed, but become
more general and are applied to other, similar experiences. Hume
adopted from Berkeley the thesis that abstract, or general ideas are in
fact particular images that have come to stand for a number of other
similar images: “abstract ideas are therefore in themselves individual,
however they may become general in their representation. the im-
age in the mind is only that of a particular object, tho’ the application
of it in our reasoning be the same, as if it were universal.”9
at first, Hume claimed that, when the force or vivacity of the ideas
increases, the mind moves from simply entertaining ideas or images
to believing that objects really exist and have the characteristics that
people associate with them as well.10 By the time he had completed
the third book of the Treatise, however, Hume had some second
thoughts about this assertion: “Had i said, that two ideas of the same
object can only be different by their different feeling, i should have
been closer to the truth.”11 this suggests that belief in real existence
is a matter of subjective feeling, not of any extra excitement deriving
from the original impression. the tenuous connection that locke
sketched between particular sensations, thoughts of real things, and
the generality of words is here being stretched to the breaking point.
in other words, Hume agrees with Frege in pointing out that feelings
radically infect retained images, which, like immediate sensations,
vary from individual to individual.
locke had said that the mind not only combines original impres-
sions into more compound ideas – for example, taking the colour
pink, the feeling of a thorn prick, and the smell of perfume into the
compound idea of a rose – it also relates ideas to each other. Hume
expands on this pattern of relation, calling it the action of reasoning:
“reasoning,” he writes, “consists in nothing but a comparison and a
discovery of those relations, either constant or inconstant, which
two or more objects bear to each other.”12 a relation of this sort he
defines as the “quality by which two ideas are connected together in
9 ibid., i, i, 7. earlier in the same chapter, he writes: “a great philosopher ... has
asserted, that all general ideas are nothing but particular ones, annexed to a certain
term, which gives them a more extensive signification, and makes them recall upon
occasion other individuals which are similar to them.”
10 see ibid., i, iii, 7.
11 Treatise, iii, appendix.
12 ibid., i, iii, 2.
the imagination, and the one naturally introduces the other.”13 in oth-
er words, reasoning relies on natural connections that occur within
the stream of consciousness and that have developed over time from
repeated experiences of similar impressions, and the images that re-
sult from them. the philosopher or reflective thinker extends this
core competence and creates additional connections by comparing
ideas that the imagination arbitrarily brings together. causation is the
only kind of reasoning by which the mind is “able to go beyond what is
immediately present to the senses, either to discover the real existence
or the relation of objects.”14 it, however, we can explain as the result of
“constant conjunction” – the repetition of similar experiences – and
the habits or customs of mind that this regularity generates.
the British empiricists start with sensations that can be compared
to notice how they are similar. as resemblances positively reinforce
each other, the mind retains an image of one that stands for all and
is retained as an idea – something general, now divorced from the
mind’s immediate encounter with the world. over time, experience
collects a number of such atomic ideas, which may then become units
in a further comparison, so it sees that the red of the rose (which
could be an initial general idea deriving from a number of direct
impressions) resembles the red of a cardinal and the red of a burning
cinder, which comes to stand as a sign for all of them, while the green
of its leaves comes to represent the green of a caterpillar and the
green of a patch of moss, or the sharpness of its thorn signifies the
sharpness of a needle and the sharpness of a mosquito bite. the pro-
cess can extend further until the scarlet of these roses stands not only
for the common redness of a number of things, but also for the way
this red is like that green and the other blue, to form the general idea
of “colour”; and beyond this for the way colour is like other “quali-
ties” of things: shape, taste, texture.
the whole process happens simply through what psychologists call
“positive reinforcement” – similar things repeated strengthen the
retained idea in the imagination and allow it to be compared with
other retained images, permitting the results to become ever more
general, until the image of this single flower may represent or stand
for a wide range of ideas, depending on what parts of that image are
13 ibid., i, i, 5.
14 ibid., i, iii, 2.
in the nineteenth century, John stuart Mill further extended this em-
piricist tradition. after reiterating the principle that thoughts (or
ideas) resemble sensations (or impressions) but have less intensity,16
he then went on to develop the laws of association, advanced earlier
by his father, James Mill, by which ideas retained subconsciously from
the past may re-emerge, prompted by new impressions or other ideas
already present in the mind. these laws are three in number. First,
similar ideas tend to excite one another (Hume’s relation of resem-
blance or identity). second, when two impressions have frequently
been experienced (or thought) either simultaneously or in immedi-
ate succession, then whenever one of these impressions, or the idea
of it, recurs, it tends to excite the idea of the other (Hume’s relations
of space and time, together with his “constant conjunction”). and
third, greater intensity in either or both of the impressions is equiva-
lent, in rendering them excitable by one another, to a greater fre-
quency of conjunction.17
Ultimately, all of Mill’s laws and all of Hume’s types of reasoning rely
on the fundamental priority of the first: resemblance, or that similar
which is all that results from our immediate impression, does not
tell us what content we are to think.
the further one moves from the concrete, the more arbitrary does
this process of noticing resemblances become. at the most basic lev-
el, we must decide whether we are thinking of red, a rose, a flower, or
a shrub. When we come to Hume’s customary sequences, are we to
think of how day follows night, how particular images of our house
follow one another as we walk around it, or of how thriving plants
follow rain showers? if a friend tries to explain what the word “walk”
means by moving from his chair to the door, we may have difficulty in
knowing whether he wants us to think of “exiting,” “moving,” “rest-
lessness,” or “exercise.” and if this conversation takes place while we
are already walking, and he walks faster to make his point, can we be
sure that the term does not refer to “running.”18
the fact that similar sensations frequently recur in our experience
provides some justification for the empiricist claim that the world of
ideas, or Vorstellungen, is a function of our ability to notice resem-
blances and generalize. comparison emerges at a number of differ-
ent levels, starting with the simple shift to a primitive image, through
an ascending hierarchy to the most general of causal connections.
none the less, it remains in thrall to the basic problem of all appeals
to direct experience that Frege identifies: spatial and temporal con-
text shapes immediate impressions, which fit into the stream of each
person’s unique consciousness; interests and feelings influence them;
and comparison identifies similarities through a mental operation
separate from the concrete details. and since we must not appeal to
any innate ideas, there is no obvious reason to assume that all people
will perform those operations in the same way, whether in forming
the most basic ideas or in making the generalizations that emerge.
ideas whose only justification involves an appeal to immediate expe-
rience cannot hope to provide a reliable measure for public commu-
nication, much less arrive at some valid knowledge of the world
beyond our direct acquaintance.
there are, then, more sophisticated operations involved in moving
from impression to idea than simply noticing resemblances in an
18 this last example comes from augustine’s dialogue: De Magistro or The Teacher.
it appears in Augustine: Earlier Writings, trans. J.H.s. Burleigh (philadelphia:
Westminster, 1953), 69–101.
immediate and direct way. even the formation of the simplest ideas
presupposes kinds of mental activity other than comparison, such as
abstraction and discrimination. to gain some sense of what these
might be and how they function, we need to look more closely at
what happens to the immediate sensations and impressions of direct
experience as the mind incorporates them into the dynamic sponta-
neity of mental activity. By identifying what operations, other than
simple comparison, come into play, we may be able to develop a more
accurate picture, not only of the way we come to share a common
language, but also of how we achieve reliable thoughts about the
world. We need to overcome the fundamental lacunae we have iden-
tified in locke’s argument and in those of his successors.
1 see G.W.F. Hegel, Philosophy of Mind, trans. W. Wallace and a.V. Miller (oxford:
clarendon press, 1971), §§445–60, 188–218.
2 dreams, as the work of this subconscious, create all kinds of association that
seem far removed from anything in our conscious past. so there may be many more
sorts of association than those that Hume and Mill enumerate.
5 “on sense and reference” [29], in Frege Reader, ed. Beaney, 154.
Language
2
It was about this time, also, that I began to investigate the glories of
Bishop Asbury, and to make such inquiries as I could into his saintly
virtues. We had in our library the Bishop’s Journals in three volumes,
and we had also two or three volumes of biography, all of which I
read. In later years I have read many others. Probably twenty or
thirty books, in one form or another, have been written about Bishop
Asbury, and I think that I have gone pretty thoroughly into most of
them. But most of them are senseless if not downright idiotic; they
were written by preachers and published by the Methodist Church,
and the whole slant is religious. They are based on the assumption
that a Preacher and a Bishop must of necessity be a holy man, and
that all the little idiosyncrasies and faults that give a clue to the real
character of the man, are but manifestations of the fight between
God and Satan.
From an ecclesiastical point of view there can be no question of
Bishop Asbury’s greatness, for there have been few men who have
left a more definite imprint on American religious culture. There
were fewer than 500 Methodists in America when he came here in
1771; when he died there were 214,000, with good churches and
great influence. He had completed the church organization according
to his own ideas, ignoring to a large extent the plans of John Wesley
as set forth by Thomas Rankin and Thomas Coke, and he had
assumed as much power as a Pope of Rome. As a religious organizer
he has had few equals, and it is a great pity that he did so much
unnecessary organizing, and that his amazing genius should have
flowered in such a futile and preposterous creation as the present-
day Methodist Church; a great pity that he could not have developed
a more flexible creed, one that would have grown as the world grew,
instead of standing stock-still and viewing the universe with
intolerant suspicion, with constant bickerings about the wishes of
God and yelping appeals to the Almighty to damn somebody.
But statistically Bishop Asbury is even greater. He preached his first
sermon in America at Philadelphia on the day he set foot on this
continent, in October, 1771, and delivered his final pronouncement
against sin on his deathbed, when, propped upon his pillows, he
expounded the twenty-first chapter of Revelation. In these forty-five
years he preached some 17,000 sermons, and probably 20,000 in his
whole life, for he began preaching when he was about fifteen or
sixteen, some three years after his conversion. The number of words
that he uttered for the Lord is simply incalculable; there is no telling
how far they would reach if they could be laid end to end.
In their methods of preaching and in their intolerance the preachers
of my boyhood, of other sects as well as Methodists, were devout
and faithful followers of Bishop Asbury. The bellowing evangelist of
the Billy Sunday and Lincoln McConnell type is his lineal ecclesiastical
descendant. He preached always at the top of his voice, for he had
great faith in exhortation, and to him the good sermon was the noisy
sermon; even to-day the Preacher who rants and raves is the one
who is regarded by his flock as nearest to God. When Bishop Asbury
was not preaching he was praying; he rose every morning at four
o’clock and prayed and read the Bible until six, when he breakfasted
and set forth on his travels. He would not sleep more than six hours
a night because Wesley had decided that six hours was enough. One
day a week he fasted, and part of another day, punishing his flesh
for the greater glory of the Lord.
This love of self-inflicted punishment affected his whole life. As a boy
he was moody and sensitive; he appears to have been of the type
that complains constantly that he is being “picked on.” He was
introspective, finding his greatest joy in self-pity, and he was never
happy, as we used to say in Missouri, unless he was miserable. His
playmates in the little English school near Birmingham called him
“parson” because of his pious lugubriousness, and when the teacher
beat him or something happened to cross him he sought solace in
prayer.
References to his numerous physical ailments begin to appear in
Bishop Asbury’s Journals about 1772, when he was in his late
twenties. He had never been strong physically, and never after he
came to America was he in good health. He was apparently a
hypochondriac, with all the hypochondriac’s morbid delight in
recounting his symptoms; many pages of his Journals are filled with
them. He took enormous doses of medicine, performed slight
surgical operations upon himself, and raised great blisters on the
slightest provocation, frequently blistering his whole body from
throat to abdomen. Once he preached a whole afternoon with so
many blisters that he was not able either to stand or sit, for he had
blistered not only the soles of his feet but less refined portions of his
anatomy also; he had to be propped up in the pulpit, where he
raved and ranted for hour after hour, saving many sinners. He took
no care of himself whatever, riding horseback through snowstorms
and rainstorms with biting pains in his chest, and with his stomach
and throat filled with ulcers, feverish from pain and religion.
All of these things he notes in his Journals with great gusto, and
gives long lists of the medicines he took and the measures he
employed to combat his sickness. Tartar emetic was his favorite
remedy, and of this he swallowed enormous quantities. For an
ulcerated throat he used a gargle of “sage tea, honey, vinegar and
mustard, and after that another gargle of sage, tea, alum, rose
leaves and loaf sugar to strengthen the parts.” Another favorite
remedy was a diet, as he called it, made from this remarkable
formula: “one quart of hard cider, one hundred nails, a handful of
snake root, a handful of pennell seed, a handful of wormwood.” He
boiled this concoction from a quart to a pint, and drank a wineglass
of it each morning before breakfast for ten days, meanwhile using
no butter, milk or meat. He notes in his Journal that “it will make the
stomach very sick.” It will. I brewed the drink once, and I had as
soon drink dynamite; bootleg gin is nectar by comparison.
There can be little doubt that Bishop Asbury’s physical condition had
a great deal to do with his extraordinary piety, for it is true that most
of the religious leaders have had many things wrong with their
bodies, and that the sicker a man is, the more religious he is likely to
be. A man who is healthy and normal mentally and physically seldom
becomes fanatically religious. True, healthy men sometimes become
monks and preachers, but except in rare instances such men are
comparatively moderate in their views. And generally they do
themselves very well in a material way, especially if they become
monks.
It was once my journalistic duty to make a daily visit to a Franciscan
monastery in Quincy, Illinois, and the good brothers remain a high
light in a somewhat drab period. Jovial and pot-bellied, they were
veritable Friar Tucks in brown bathrobes, extraordinarily hearty
eaters and drinkers, and not even at pre-Volstead banquets have I
ever received as much free food and drink as from the good
Franciscans. It was easy to see why such men as these went in for
religion, but it is not so easy to understand the motive of the
Protestant minister. The earthly rewards are nothing to speak of, and
what with evolution and one thing and another, he can no longer be
certain that there is a Heaven to go to.
The Franciscans were fascinating spectacles as they padded on their
sandaled feet through the gardens of the monastery and along the
graveled paths that led to the church next door. I became
particularly fond of Brother John—I think they called him Brother
John, anyhow I did—who might have stepped from the pages of
Boccaccio. He was the press representative of the monastery; he
always answered my ring, and through the bars of the door I could
see him, waddling genially down the corridor, puffing and rattling his
keys. It always seemed to me that Brother John was miscast;
doubtless he lived a happy and carefree life, though perhaps overly
cluttered with prayer, but I thought it a great pity that he could not
have been an alderman. And what a bartender he would have made!
His paunch would have elected him a City Father, and his fund of
stories would have got him a job in any first-class barroom. But
possibly he has reformed and is now leading some such useful life.
Brother John made but one effort to convert me and induce me to
join the Catholic Church, and when I said “Bunk!” he stopped
immediately and said that inasmuch as I would undoubtedly go to
Hell he would still take advantage of my reportorial capacity to get a
little publicity for the Church before that unfortunate event occurred.
But there was no tolerance in the attitude of my reverend relative,
the Bishop. His outstanding characteristic was intolerance; it shows
in a hundred different acts of his career; he was arbitrary and
domineering. Anyone who was well dressed or who bore any
outward signs of prosperity was offensive in his sight; he preached
the gospel of poverty and self-denial, and believed that all pleasure
was wicked and that self-inflicted suffering was heavenly bliss. He
was imperious and scornful of restraint and opposition; what he said
was true he thought was true, and that was all there was to it.
When men differed with him they were wrong, and he had no
disposition to reopen any question which he had once settled in his
mind. He believed that he was appointed by God to rule the
Methodists in America, and that he was a legitimate successor of the
Apostles. In 1801 he wrote:
“I will tell the world what I rest my authority on; first, divine
authority; second, seniority in America; third, the election of the
General Conference; fourth, my ordination by Thomas Coke, Philip
William Otterbein, Richard Whatcoat and Thomas Vasey; fifth,
because the signs of an Apostle have been seen in me.”
Divine authority and the signs of an Apostle!
Yet his steadfast belief that he was so appointed was one of the
secrets of his power and influence, which were greater than that of
any other churchman of his time. We are even yet feeling their
effects, and we shall continue to feel them. There seems to be no
hope, what with Boards of Temperance, Prohibition and Public
Morals and similar intolerant activities, that the Methodist Church will
ever become more worthy of respect than it was in his day. Indeed,
it grows worse and worse.
Another prime factor in Bishop Asbury’s extraordinary piety, as can
be seen by the entries in his Journals and by a study of the
biographies written by other clergymen, was his terrific mental
turmoil. Throughout his whole life his mind whirled like a pinwheel;
he was constantly in what, back in Missouri, we used to call a
“terrible state.” About the time he began to be ill he started referring
to himself as “Poor Francis,” and thereafter that was the dominant
note of his life. He pitied himself because of his physical ills, and
then dosed himself with horrid medicines, and with bleedings and
blisterings, making his ailments more painful and himself an object
of greater pity. He tortured himself thus physically, and flogged his
mind with constant thoughts of his unworthiness; he was continually
groveling before God, beseeching the Almighty to put temptation in
his path. These extracts taken at random from his Journals show the
trend of his thought:
“I do not sufficiently love God nor live by faith.
“I must lament that I am not perfectly crucified with God.
“I feel some conviction for sleeping too long.
“My heart is grieved and groaneth for want of more holiness.
“Unguarded and trivial conversation has brought a degree of spiritual
deadness.
“My conscience reproves me for the appearance of levity.
“A cloud rested on my mind, which was occasioned by talking and
jesting. I also feel at times tempted to impatience and pride of
heart.
“My heart is still depressed for want of more religion.
“Were I to stand on my own merit, where should I go but to hell?
“Here I received a bitter pill from one of my greatest friends
[referring to his last letter from John Wesley]. Praise the Lord for my
trials also! May they be sanctified.”
Bishop Asbury preached the same doctrine of personal conversion
and sanctification that is preached by present-day Methodist
ministers, and he sought this blissful state for himself with frenzied
zealousness. At times he thought he had entered into what he called
the full fruition of a life with God; at other times he fancied himself
given up to Satan. The older he grew, the gloomier and more
introspective he became, and like most of the other great religionists
he had a pronounced streak of melancholia. He had alternating
periods of exaltation and depression; he was either soaring the
heights of religious ecstasy or floundering in the depths of sin and
despair. He did not seem able to find any middle ground in which he
could obtain a measure of peace and contentment; occasionally in
his Journals he noted that he was happy in God and at peace, but
the next entry showed him groaning in great vexation of spirit,
crying out a doubt of the value of his religious life. He yearned for a
constant religious thrill, and mourned because he could not satisfy
his yearning.
DIVERSIONS OF AN ABANDONED
SINNER
1
Almost immediately after my conversion, or at least as soon as it had
become noised about that I had consigned my holy relative to what
some of our more finicky Sisters, unable to bring themselves to say
“Hell,” referred to coyly as “the bad place,” I abandoned myself to a
life of sin and became a total spiritual loss in the eyes of all
Farmington except members of my immediate family and certain of
my intimate friends who collaborated with me in various wicked but
pleasant enterprises. That is to say, I cast aside the taboos and the
inhibitions that religion had thrown about me, and became for the
first time in my life a normal boy. I existed simply to play and raise
hell generally, and for some curious reason the activity which gave
me the most pleasure was throwing rocks at the church or in some
manner interrupting the service.
It was not long before even the most hopeful had ceased their talk
of sending me to a theological school and fitting me to carry on the
family labors, for I began to smoke cigarettes, play cards, swear,
drink when I could find a bartender willing to ignore the law
forbidding the sale of liquor to a minor, and to cock an appreciative
and appraising eye at the girls. It was then agreed that it was too
late to do anything with me or for me, and on the Sunday morning
that I mounted my new bicycle and rode brazenly past the Southern
Methodist church as the Brothers and Sisters filed with bowed heads
into the edifice for worship, I was consigned body and soul to the
sizzling pits of Hell.
I suffered a great deal of physical agony before I learned to smoke
cigarettes, and it was some time before I learned to blow smoke
through my nose with the nonchalant ease affected by the group of
older boys and young men who loafed in Doss’s barber shop and
around the Post Office Building and McKinney’s peanut and popcorn
machine. My older brother had learned a year or so before, and he
frequently made himself very offensive to me by boasting that he
could smoke a whole package of Sweet Caporals or Drums without
becoming ill. I yearned to try, but he would not give me a cigarette,
and neither would any of the other boys, and my finances were in
such shape that I could not purchase any. And, of course, such
wicked things could not be purchased and charged to my father; I
could have charged a plug of chewing tobacco to him, but not
cigarettes.
But one day I was loafing hopefully in McKinney’s when my brother
came in and produced a dime that he had amassed by laborious
work chopping wood at home, and bought a package of Sweet
Caporal Little Cigars. These were really nothing but cigarettes
wrapped with tobacco instead of paper, but they resembled a cigar
and were thought to be infinitely more stylish and manly than the
ordinary cigarette. I asked him for one, and he said he would not
give one to John the Baptist himself. But I persisted, and followed
him home, aghast at his determination to hide behind the barn and
smoke the whole package one after the other.
“I’ll light one from the end of the other,” he boasted.
Finally as we came opposite Brother Nixon’s house just south of
Elmwood Seminary, he relented and very carefully opened the box
and handed me a Little Cigar. It was a great moment. The yard of
Elmwood Seminary fairly swarmed with girl students, including the
young lady who at the time represented everything that was
desirable in the female sex, and I visioned their cries of startled
admiration as I passed, puffing nonchalantly, blowing smoke from
my nose and perhaps from my ears.
I had no doubt of my ability to handle the innocent-looking Little
Cigar; indeed, at that time I considered no problem insurmountable.
My brother instructed me to fill my mouth with smoke and then take
a long, deep breath, and after that blow the smoke out gently and
slowly, holding the Little Cigar between the first and second finger
and crooking the little finger as we did when we drank tea or coffee,
that being a mark of gentility and refinement. As we came in front of
the old Clardy homestead less than half a block from the Seminary I
struck a match and applied it to the end of the Little Cigar, while my
brother watched anxiously and from time to time gave me advice. I
puffed as he directed.
“Got a mouthful?” he asked.
Unable to speak, my cheeks bulging, I nodded.
“Now take a long breath.”
But, alas, I did not breathe; I swallowed, and while the smoke
penetrated me and spread throughout my interior, it did not take the
correct route. I began to strangle, and my brother got excited.
“Blow it out, you damn fool!” he cried. “You’ll choke!”
I did choke. I did even worse; I became very ill, and the spectacle
which so intrigued the young ladies of the Seminary that day was
not that of a young gentleman going nonchalantly to Hell by the
cigarette route. Instead, they saw a very sick boy rolling on the
sidewalk trying desperately to stem a distressing internal upheaval.
It was several days later before I had enough courage to try again,
and I debated within myself whether or not God had caused me to
be so ill in order to show me that smoking was a sin. But I had
definitely committed myself to the Devil, so a few days later I
begged a dime from my father and bought a package of Drums and
another of Sweet Caporals, the two most popular brands of
cigarettes. With these, and a supply of matches, I went behind the
barn. I made a neat pile of sawdust to lie upon, and there I
remained the whole afternoon, smoking one cigarette after another.
I was terribly ill at first, but gradually improved until the last three or
four gave me no trouble. I did not have much appetite for dinner
that night, but I had conquered the cigarette and I felt a glow of
pride at the fact that I had got a very good start in the direction of
the bad place.
The basis of my overwhelming desire to smoke cigarettes was the
fact that cigarette-smoking when I was a boy in Farmington was one
of the major sins. It ranked with adultery and just a little ahead of
murder and theft. The Preachers called them coffin nails and
delivered violent sermons against them, and every once in a while
an evangelist would come to town with medical charts showing the
effect of tobacco upon the interior human organs. But the fact that it
was bad physically for growing boys was seldom stressed at all; we
were impressed instead with the fact that God thought it a sin to
smoke cigarettes, although it did not appear that it was a sin for the
tobacconist to sell them. That was business.
Many efforts were made to reform me after I had begun to smoke.
My mother said she had hoped I wouldn’t, but that was all she said,
and my father said he did not give a hoot whether I smoked or not,
but that he hoped I would not be a fool and overdo it. He himself
had learned the art of chewing tobacco when he was a boy of seven
in Mississippi, and so far as I have ever been able to learn, God had
never called him to account. He died at the age of seventy-nine,
suddenly, and a slab of plug-cut was in his pocket. It is impossible
for me to believe that God refused him entrance into whatever
Heaven there may be on account of his habit, which he thoroughly
enjoyed.
But the Preachers and the Brothers and Sisters did not agree with
my parents, nor would they admit that it was none of their business.
On the contrary, they said that it was the Lord’s business, and since
they were the duly accredited agents of the Lord, appointed by Him
to lead Farmington into the paths of righteousness, it was their
business also. When Brother Fontaine was our Methodist pastor he
did not look with disfavor upon chewing, because he himself was
seldom without a chew and presumably had an indulgence from
God, but he looked upon the cigarette as an invention of the Devil.
In this view he was upheld by the Ladies’ Aid Society and the
Farmington branch of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. And
the W. C. T. U., with the possible exception of the Methodist Board of
Temperance, Prohibition and Public Morals, was and is the world’s
best example of an organization maintained for the sole purpose of
minding other people’s business.
The hullabaloo over my smoking only made me more determined to
smoke until my insides turned black and I was called home by Satan
and transformed into a tobacco demon. For that reason I probably
smoked too much. As a matter of principle I always lighted a
cigarette just in front of the Southern Methodist church, and in front
of the home of my uncle, who was an enemy of anything that
provided physical pleasure and contentment. I always smoked
another as I passed the Northern Methodist church, the scene of the
McConnell revival orgy, and still another in front of the Christian
church, in memory of Brother Nations. That was four in half a mile,
and of course was too many, but sometimes I was not permitted to
finish all of them. Frequently a Brother or a Sister, seeing me thus
flaunting my sin on the public highway, snatched the nasty thing
from my mouth and gave me a lecture that dripped religion and was
principally concerned with the fate of boys who defied God and
Jesus Christ by smoking cigarettes. One Sister asked me:
“Where did you get the vile things?”
I told her that I had bought them at her husband’s store, and she
shrieked:
“You saucy, blasphemous boy!”
But on that particular occasion I was not lectured, although she
telephoned my mother that I had been impudent to her. My mother
told her it was too bad.
2
I learned to play pinochle when I was about fifteen, only a few
months after I had become an accomplished cigarette fiend and was
generally considered a fine prospect for Satan, and thereafter was a
regular participant in the game that went on every night in the back
room of Karl Schliesser’s cigar factory. This was a notable den of evil,
and while religion had me in its clutches I thought black magic was
practiced there, and that its habitués had communion with the Devil;
among us it was believed that God had doubtless never heard of the
place or He would have destroyed it with a withering blast of
lightning. It was frequented by Germans and other low forms of life,
and they were principally Catholics and Lutherans, with a sprinkling
of renegade Protestants like myself. The Brothers and Sisters held
the opinion that if this crowd had a God at all he must have been a
very queer being, for bursts of ribald laughter came from Schliesser’s
back room, and there was card-playing, and I do not doubt that
occasionally someone gambled.
Schliesser was the Town Socialist, and was looked upon with grave
suspicion by the better element, as in those days it was generally
recognized that a Socialist was an emissary of the Devil. But the
Brothers and Sisters and the Preachers looked with even more
suspicion upon Victor Quesnel. In this attitude they had the support
of the Catholics. Victor Quesnel was born in France, but he had lived
in Farmington for many years. He frequently quoted Voltaire, and
appeared to believe that a man’s religion and his belief or disbelief in
God was a matter of his own personal taste, and he was therefore
regarded as an atheist. As a matter of fact he was probably more
truly religious than most of the pious Brothers and Sisters; the
principal difference was that he did not try to compel everyone he
met to embrace his creed.
Frequently, and without particular regard as to who heard him,
Quesnel discussed the advantages of sleeping naked, or, as we say
in present-day journalism, undraped. That was his hobby. He said he
thought it was a healthful practice, that he slept better without
clothing, and that come what might he was going to continue to
sleep that way. This was considered heathenish doctrine; some of
our finest church members owned stores in which they sold
nightgowns and pajamas, and it was felt that Quesnel’s attitude was
not only a direct affront to God but was also injurious to business.
Moreover, the Brothers and Sisters did not consider such a practice
modest; there were scores, perhaps hundreds of people in
Farmington who had never in their lives removed all of their clothing.
Once at a meeting of the Ladies’ Aid Society I heard an old Sister
say that she had reached the age of sixty and had never been
entirely undressed; and that when she bathed she kept her eyes
closed as she applied the sponge to her body. A great deal of juicy
conversation could be overheard at these Ladies’ Aid meetings by a
bright young lad who knew where the best keyholes were located.
3
Sunday was much more enjoyable after I had become a sinner and
had left Sunday school and the Church to whatever fate the Lord
had in store for them. I arose a little later, had a leisurely breakfast
and a refreshing quarrel or fight with my brothers and sister, and
then went leisurely to my room and as leisurely put on my Sunday
suit, with no intention of removing it until I retired for the night.
Curiously enough, as soon as I quit going regularly to church and
Sunday school I began to wear my Sunday suit all day, and the little
voice that I had in the selection of this garment I raised in hopeful
pleas for loud checks and glaring colors. No longer did I wish to
clothe myself in the sombre blacks suitable for church wear and
religious activity; I desired to blossom and bloom in the more violent
and pleasant colors of Hell.
Once arrayed in my Sunday suit, I left the house, a cigarette
dangling from my lower lip, and my hat, carefully telescoped in the
prevailing mode, sitting just so on the side of my head. I tried to
time my march downtown so that I would reach Elmwood Seminary
just as the young lady students resident there marched across the
street, after Sunday school, from the Presbyterian church; they were
not permitted to remain at the church during the fifteen or twenty-
minute interval because they attracted such hordes of feverish boys
intent upon everything but religion. Usually I reached the scene in
time, and leaned nonchalantly against the Seminary fence, puffing
vigorously and ostentatiously on a cigarette and winking at various
and sundry of the girls as they passed in their caps and gowns.
For these smart-aleck activities I was presently placed upon the
school’s black list and was not permitted to call upon the one night
each month allotted to such social intercourse, but as I soon learned
to climb a rope ladder this did not annoy me greatly. Anyhow, calling
night at Elmwood Seminary was not very exciting. The procedure
was to place a dozen or so chairs about a big room, in pairs but with
at least twelve inches between them, in which sat the girls and their
callers. In the center sat a gimlet-eyed teacher, constantly ready
with Biblical and other uplifting quotations and seeing to it that
nothing scandalous occurred. From eight to ten the caller was
permitted to engage his lady love in conversation, but it was a rule
that everything that was said must be audible to the teacher on
guard. Whisperings and gigglings were taboo, and resulted in the
young man being placed on the black list, and forbidden thereafter
to darken the doors of the institution. But occasionally the teacher
relaxed her vigilance for a moment, providing an opportunity to
arrange a clandestine meeting. That was the principal reason that
the boys of Farmington went to Elmwood on calling nights.
The regular Sunday incident of the Seminary girls having been
brought to a satisfactory and successful conclusion, I went on
downtown. I was very young then, and I considered myself, in my
Sunday suit, a very striking and elegant figure. I thought of myself
as a parade, and felt morally certain that the eyes of every girl were
upon me, and that their hearts were fluttering with amatory
admiration. The Methodist church was only two blocks south of the
Presbyterian edifice, and I generally reached it as the Sunday-school
pupils trooped out with their arms full of lesson pamphlets and their
souls full of salvation, Golden Texts and catechisms. I regarded them
pityingly, puffed vaingloriously at my symbol of sin, and went on
past the Christian church and the Northern Methodist church and so
to McKinney’s, the Post Office Building and the fascinating popcorn
and peanut machine.
In the winter time Doss’s barber shop was generally open until noon
so Billy Priester could shine the shoes of the young bucks who
proposed to defile the Sabbath by gallivanting around with young
hussies. It was a favorite loafing place for all abandoned wretches
who did not care for the glory that was free in all churches. But in
summer we generally sat in front of McKinney’s and the Post Office
Building and, when finances permitted, ate popcorn and peanuts,
envying Riley Hough as he hurried out now and then to attend to
the machine and stuff his mouth with popcorn before hastening back
into the store.
All of the young sinners of the town loafed there during the church
services, and at twelve o’clock noon we rose in a body and walked
down the street to Pelty’s Book Store, where the Sunday papers
were distributed. The afternoons were devoted to baseball games
and amatory pursuits, and occasionally we went fishing. But this was
considered a Cardinal Sin, and was frowned upon by even our liberal
element; it was felt that it was a desecration of God’s Day to drag
one of His creatures from the river with a cruel fishhook. On week
days, of course, fishing was all right, although a waste of time, but
on Sunday an expedition to Blumeyer’s Ford, or to Gruner’s Hole,
was followed the next morning by buzzing comment all over town,
and only a grown man could hope to indulge in such sinful
adventures and escape subsequent punishment.
4
It was the custom of our pastors and pious brethren, and of the
professional sorcerers who were imported from time to time to cast
their spells and shoo the demons away from our housetops, to
proclaim loudly and incessantly that our collective morals were
compounded of a slice of Sodom and a cut of Gomorrah, with an
extract of Babylon to flavor the sorry stew. They worried constantly
and fretfully over our amorous activities; in their more feverish
discourses appeared significant references to the great difficulty of
remaining pure, and in effect they advised our young women to go
armed to the teeth, prepared to do battle in defense of their
virginity.
In Farmington and other small towns of the Middle West this sort of
thing was the principal stock in trade of those who would lead their
brethren to the worship of the current god; the evangelist assured
his hearers that their town was overrun by harlots, and that brothels
abounded in which prominent men abandoned themselves to
shameful orgies, while church attendance dwindled, and collections
became smaller and smaller, and chicken appeared less and less
frequently upon the ministerial table. His tirades were generally in
this fashion:
“Shall we permit these painted daughters of Jezebel, these
bedizened hussies, to stalk the streets of this fair city and flaunt
their sin in the face of the Lord? Shall we permit them to lure our
sons and brothers into their vile haunts and ply their nefarious trade
in the very shadow of the House of God? No! I say NO! Jesus Christ
must live in this town!”
Immediately everyone shouted “Amen, Brother!” and “Praise the
Lord!” But it was sometimes difficult to determine whether the
congregation praised the Lord for inspiring the evangelist so
courageously to defy the harlots, or for permitting him to discover
them. If the Man of God could find them, why not the damned, too?
Certainly there were always many who wondered if the brother had
acquired any good addresses or telephone numbers since coming to
town. Not infrequently, indeed, he was stealthily shadowed home by
young men eager to settle this question.
These charges and denunciations were repeated, with trimmings, at
the meetings for men only which were always a most interesting
feature of the revivals. At similar gatherings for women, or ladies, as
we called them in small-town journalism, his wife or a devout Sister
discussed the question from the feminine viewpoint. What went on
at these latter conclaves I do not know, though I can guess, for I
have often seen young girls coming out of them giggling and
blushing. The meetings for men were juicy, indeed. The evangelist
discussed all angles of the subject, and in a very free manner. His
own amorous exploits before he was converted were recited in
considerable detail, and he painted vivid word pictures of the
brothels he had visited, both as a paying client and in the course of
his holy work. Almost invariably they were subterranean palaces
hung with silks and satins, with soft rugs upon the floor, and filled
with a vast multitude of handsome young women, all as loose as
ashes. Having thus intimated, with some smirking, that for many
years he was almost the sole support of harlotry, he became
confidential. He leaned forward and said:
“There are such Dens of the Devil right here in your town!”
This was first-hand information, and immediately there was a stir in
the audience, many of his hearers betraying an eagerness to be
gone. But before they could get away the evangelist thundered:
“Shall we permit them to continue their wicked practices?”
I always hoped to be present some day when the audience forgot
itself and answered that question with the thought that was so
plainly in its mind, namely, “Yes!” But, alas, I never heard it,
although there was much shouting of “Amen!” and “Glory to God!”
These meetings for men only were generally held in the afternoon,
and their net result was that the business of the drug store
increased immediately, and when night fell bands of young good-for-
nothings scurried hither and yon about the town, searching
feverishly for the Dens of the Devil. They searched without fear,
confident that modern science would save them from any untoward
consequences, and knowing that no matter what they did they
would go to Heaven if they permitted a preacher to intercede for
them in the end, or a priest to sprinkle them with holy water.
But the Dens of the Devil were not found, neither in Farmington nor
in any other small town in that region, for the very good reason that
they did not exist. The evangelist did not know what he was talking
about; he was simply using stock blather which he had found by
experience would excite the weak-minded to both sexual and
religious emotions. He knew that when they were thus upset they
would be less likely to question his ravings—that they would be more
pliable in his hands and easier to convert.
Our small towns were not overrun by harlots simply because harlotry
could not flourish in a small town. It was economically impossible;
there were not enough cash customers to make the scarlet career
profitable. Also, the poor girls had to meet too much competition
from emotional ladies who had the professional spirit but retained
their amateur standing by various technicalities. And harlots, like the
rest of us, had to live; they required the same sort of raiment and
food that sufficed their virtuous sisters; it was not until they died
that they wore nothing but the smoke of Hell and were able to
subsist on a diet of brimstone and sulphur.
Many men who in larger communities would have patronized the
professionals could not do so in a small town. They could not afford
to; it was too dangerous. The moment a woman was suspected of
being a harlot she was eagerly watched by everyone from the mayor
down to the preachers, and the name of every man seen talking to
her, or even looking at her, went winging swiftly from mouth to
mouth, and was finally posted on the heavenly bulletin board as that
of an immoral wretch. A house in which harlotry was practiced was
picketed day and night by small boys eager to learn the forbidden
mysteries, and by Brethren and Sisters hopefully sniffing for sin. It
was not possible for a harlot to keep her clientèle secret, for the
sexual life of a small town is an open book, and news of amorous
doings could not travel faster if each had a tabloid newspaper.
Exact statistics, of course, are not available, but it is probably true
that no small American town has ever harbored a harlot whose
income from professional services was sufficient to feed and clothe
her. Few if any such towns have ever been the abode of more than
one harlot at a time. When I was a boy every one had its town
harlot, just as it had its town sot (this, of course, was before
drunkards became extinct) and its town idiot. But she was generally
a poor creature who was employed by day as a domestic servant
and practiced her ancient art only in her hours of leisure. She turned
to it partly for economic reasons, but chiefly because of a great
yearning for human companionship, which she could obtain in no
other way. She remained in it because she was almost instantly
branded a Daughter of Satan, and shunned by good and bad alike.
She seldom, if ever, realized that she was doing wrong; her moral
standards were those of a bedbug. She thought of harlotry in terms
of new ribbons and an occasional pair of shoes, and in terms of
social intercourse; she was unmoral rather than immoral, and the
proceeds of her profession, to her, were just so much extra spending
money.
Small-town men who occasionally visited the larger cities, and there
thought nothing of spending from ten to fifty dollars in metropolitan
brothels, were very stingy in dealing with the town harlot. They
considered a dollar an enormous price for her, and frequently they
refused to give her anything. Many small communities were not able
to support even a part-time harlot; consequently some members of
the craft went from town to town, taking secular jobs and practicing
harlotry as a side line until driven out by the godly, or until the
inevitable business depression occurred. I recall one who made
several towns along the O. K. Railroad in Northeastern Missouri as
regularly as the shoe drummers. Her studio was always an empty
box car on the town siding, and she had a mania for inscribing in
such cars the exact dates and hours of her adventures, and her
honoraria. It was not unusual to find in a car some such inscription
as this:
“Ten p.m., July 8. Fifty cents.”
These writings, scrawled in lead pencil or with a bit of chalk, were
signed “Box Car Molly.” Once, in a car from which I had unloaded
many heavy bags of cement, I came across what seemed to be a
pathetic bit of very early, and apparently authentic, Box-Car-
Molliana. On the wall was this:
“I was ruined in this car May 10.
5
I fell a willing victim to the wiles of the Rum Demon on the night of
my conversion, and thereafter, in common with other boys of the
town who were aflame with revolt against the religious taboos which
had so oppressed us, I drank whenever I could obtain the liquor.
This was not often, because I seldom had any money and it was
difficult to find a bartender who would sell a drink to a minor. The
eagle eye of the W. C. T. U. was constantly upon him. But
occasionally the darkies would buy for us in return for one swig at
the bottle, and as often as possible we purchased by this means a
pint or quart of whisky or gin. I did not drink because I liked the
taste of liquor, for I didn’t, and I do not now, but I thought it was
smart and manly to get drunk.
And there was another, and a deeper reason. It seemed to me that
in the eyes of the Preachers and the Brothers and Sisters a man
could commit no more heinous sin than to get tight; it was even
worse than smoking. Such being the case, I felt that it was
incumbent upon me to achieve that condition, and thereby show
them that I had no use for them and the things for which they
stood. And that was also the reason we sang vulgar songs, and
roared with gusto the parodies on hymns that we learned from time
to time. It was our custom to get as drunk as possible and then
group ourselves about the pump in the courthouse yard, where we
bellowed ditties and parodies until the town marshal or some
outraged Brother or Sister stopped us.
There were few such songs that we did not sing; it was at the pump,
on a summer night, that I first heard the “Song of Jack Hall.” It was
taught to us by a shoe drummer from St. Louis, who sang it with
appropriate gestures, and for a long time it was our favorite song.
The version that we sang was this—it should be rendered with great
gusto and feeling, and the final line of each verse should be dragged
from deep down in the chest:
6
To my long list of unhallowed but frequently pleasant
accomplishments I added, in my sixteenth summer, journalism and
dancing; I went to work on the Farmington Times and learned to
waltz and two-step, and on occasion danced the Virginia Reel and
the quadrille with spirit and abandon if not with elegant grace. The
practice of journalism was not then, in all quarters, considered a sin
of the first magnitude; nor is it so considered to-day except when
various Preachers and other goody-bodies find their names
mentioned infrequently and their daily denunciations ignored. It is
then the fashion to denounce the newspapers, and to deplore the
low plane to which the fourth estate has fallen. But in Farmington in
my youth the feeling against the Sunday newspaper was so great
that it was felt generally that all journalism was at least slightly
tainted, and so I list it as a sin. So far as the financial rewards go, it
is even now nothing less than a crime.
There was no question about the sinfulness of dancing, especially
the round dances, as we used to call the waltz and two-step. In
some parts of the country exception was made for the square
dances, but everywhere in my section of Missouri the waltz and two-
step were considered Steps toward Hell. I frequently heard
Preachers and Brothers and Sisters pronounce solemn judgment
against young girls who indulged in such heinous practices, and
brand them before God and man as abandoned scarlet women
glorying in the unsanctified embraces of wicked men. That was the
way the Preachers usually talked, too. One man in our town was
even criticized for waltzing with his wife.
Not only was the wicked waltz and the devilish two-step, no matter
how decorously performed, a Sunday taboo in our town, but in our
most religious families it was taboo at all times, and several persons
were dismissed from church for participating in such orgies. We had
one Preacher who informed us that both Sodom and Gomorrah were
destroyed by God because their inhabitants danced and for no other
reason, and the prediction was freely made that Farmington was
destined for the same dreadful end, and he intimated that we would
not even reap the resultant benefits of great fame and publicity. His
tirades were strikingly similar to the ones that are being made every
day now by the Methodist Board of Temperance, Prohibition and
Public Morals against New York City and other centers of sin.
As I have said, for many years the Presbyterians, city slickers at
heart, had a virtual monopoly of dancing in Farmington. It was they
who introduced the waltz and the two-step, to the great horror of all
of our old women, both male and female, and it is they who must be
held responsible when God sends His avenging angels to blast and
destroy. Occasionally a Baptist or a Methodist backslid sufficiently to
trip the light fantastic toe, as I delighted to call it as a juvenile
reporter on the Times, but not often; generally the Presbyterians
alone thus flaunted their wickedness. But when God failed to
perform as expected, others became bold and abandoned all
caution, and when I left Farmington, dancing was general and the
town was obviously headed straight for Hell. But even then there
was very little dancing done on Sunday night.
We had two newspapers in Farmington, the Times and the News,
the former owned by Mr. Theodore Fisher and the latter by the
Denman brothers, extraordinarily devout members of the Northern
Methodist church and leaders in most of the town’s religious
activities. Mr. Fisher was a Presbyterian, a liberal at heart, but for
business reasons he was unable to do or say anything to stem the
tide of prying Puritanism. Both papers were controlled by the
churches of the town, and published everything that the Preachers
and the Brothers and Sisters asked them to; as I grew older, Mr.
Fisher became more confidential and frequently expressed his
disgust at many things that went on in Farmington, but he was
powerless. If he had said a word in favor of a more liberal attitude