Conflict and

Couples

JEAN MILLER
Depressing Statistics
 Therapy helps prevent breakdown in less than one half of all
couples

 A survey of 2000 people for Relate found that:

38% terminated counselling after the initial assessment
interview

 A further 33% ended sessions before the therapist thought

they should do so.

 As a general rule, the longer the distress has lasted or the

greater the level of distress, the harder it is to resolve.

(from Figes, 2010:86)

Conflict Presentations
Indirect – ‘We just need help with sex’ ‘We’re not happy’

Direct –
1. Please help us to communicate more effectively as
our poor communication is leading to discord
2. Help us to stop having terrible rows
3. We seem to upset each other all the time so there
is quiet, frequent distress but we don’t argue.
4. We can’t get over a thing/s that happened in the
past/recently happened.
5. We need to resolve a particular practical issue.
What is needed?
Some people need us to focus on:
1. teaching them how to communicate assertively and caringly,
e.g. how to make requests, how to listen actively, how to say
no. OR
2. basic mediation conflict resolution OR
3. how to deal with anger and rage OR
4. careful, longer work to try to get beneath the surface and find
out what is triggered between them emotionally and perhaps,
where that comes from.
5. It can also be a venture to work out what their fundamental
needs are individually and in connectedness.
 Kate Figes, Depression
Couples the
truth:87) “Studies indicate that only a
minority of couples with a
depressed partner recover their
relationship with marital
therapy, for depression can be
far more destructive to
relationships than the events
which triggered the depression
in the first place.”
Relationshi There are various studies in
p recent years from the Tavistock,
Difficulties Relate et al. to indicate that
and Mental there is a high prevalence of
Health anxiety, depression and even
personality disorders in couples
who seek help for their
relationship difficulties.
Conversely, amongst people
suffering from mental health
problems, relationship
difficulties are often cited as
particularly problematic.
 The Therapist with a Couple 1
“Counsellors need to adjust to working with a
more dynamic situation where different kinds
of intervention are needed to prevent
domination by one partner, to deal with
interruptions, and generally to ensure ‘fair
play.’”

Psychodynamic approaches to sexual problems by Brian Daines and

Angelina Perrett, Open University Press, 2000:127
The Therapist with a Couple 2
The therapist attempts to present a balanced view by:
highlighting aspects of the situation which resonate for both partners and
helping them to recognise shared areas of difficulty
This ‘couple perspective’ aims to enhance understanding and tolerance of each other,
pointing to their relationship as a possible focus, rather than one individual’s difficulties
alone.
(cf:Psychodynamic approaches to sexual problems by Brian Daines and Angelina Perrett, Open University Press, 2000 p127)

(cf:Psychodynamic approaches to sexual problems by Brian Daines and Angelina Perrett, Open
University Press, 2000 p127)
 Gentleness and Firmness

It is about being gentle and firm with others in the same

way that we are gentle and firm with ourselves. So the
foundation is in gentleness: patiently listening to the
other person; desiring to help rather than hurt them;
recognising how hard it is when we feel desperate and
under threat……

There is also the firmness whereby we expect to be

treated in the same ways ourselves and that we won’t
expect unfair criticisms, take all the responsibility for a
conflict, or remain in a situation where we are regularly
hurt.
(from Rewriting the Rules, Meg Barker: 125, 2013)
Anger or Rage?

Domestic violence (handout)

Abuse

Anger management (handout)

 How to Communicate more
effectively 1
1. Speak for yourself. Don’t speak for your partner
2. Don’t talk over your partner. Trust/ensure you will
have your turn to speak.
3. Begin with ‘I’ or ‘When xxxx happened’ Avoid
beginning sentences with ‘you…’
4. Be clear and concise. Avoid ambiguity.
5. Be specific rather than vague.
How to Communicate more effectively 2

6. Speak with gentleness and avoid judgement

7. Avoid insults and swearing
8. Try to be honest
9. Avoid mind-reading and expecting our partners to mind-
read.
10. Avoid extremes: saying “always” or “never”
11. Do not attempt to control or intimidate
From EFT (Emotionally Focussed
Couples Therapy Dr Sue Johnson ‘Hold me
Tight’)

Encourage A.R.E. conversations that create a secure bond

between partners:

A – Accessible

R – Responsive

E - Engaged
Stress Styles
Placating

Blaming

Computer/Super-Reasonable

Distracting
from the work of Virginia Satir
(adapted from Building Intimate Relationships:98)
Focus of Conflict Work
Make the distinction in assessment between
content and process.
Consider both.
Content may seem trivial but might be
indicative of deeper underlying issues such
as power struggles or cultural differences.
example: division of household chores
Resolving Practical Issues (mediation)
E.g. Holidays; housework; finances; space
and parenting issues

1. Initial Proposals (polarised positions)

2. Concerns and motivation (understanding)

3. Seeing the joint problem

3. New Solutions that meet the concerns on both sides

4. Summarise and check both sides agree. (Really agree!)

From Conflict to Resolution:Heitler:30

Time ManagementT to Honour Time Together and
i
Time Apart m
Example: Pie Chart of An
e Evening at Home

t
o
g
e
t Time
h together
e e.g.
r supper
e
.
g Time apart e.g. on
. pc or on phone
c
o
f
f
e
 Differentiation

Emotional
Individuality
Connection

Differentiation
by David Schnarch (2009:57)
Conflict Journal 1
Keep a private journal and when you have had an argument or feel as
though you could have done, note the following:
How did it begin?
What was happening beforehand?
How were each of you beforehand in terms of mood and well-being?
Conflict Journal 2
Describe the incident as though you were scripting a film – who said
what and how did the other respond? What tone of voice did each of
you have? What was the body language?
How did it escalate?
What was it about?
How did you feel at each stage – before, as it began, as it continued, at
the end, afterwards, now?
Conflict Journal 3
How did it end?
Was it resolved?
How did you feel at each stage – before, as it began, as it continued, at
the end, afterwards, now?
What was it really about?
Did you notice any common themes or patterns?
Do you think either of you experienced familiar ‘trigger points’?
Summary of considerations when
tracking an argument
1. What was it about/ really about?
2. What happened? (Police report)
3. How did you feel at different points?
4. How could it have gone differently? What could
each of you have said or done that would have
led to a better outcome at each point?
(options)
 Working With Resentment (EFT):
Forgiving injuries: 6 steps to Forgiveness
adapted from Sue Johnson pp179-186

1. Hurt partner speaks their pain.

2. Injuring partner stays emotionally present and
acknowledges their part in it.
3. Partners start revising their “Never again” dictum.
4. Injuring partner takes ownership of (exactly) how they
inflicted this injury and expresses regret and remorse.
5. A “Hold me Tight” conversation.
6. The couple now create a new story.
The Gottman Institute
“How we used the aftermath of a fight to repair a
relationship” Kyle Benson, 9.1.19
www.gottman.com/blog
JBM: Points to consider from the above blog:
“It’s not what you fight about that matters, but how you repair when
your inevitable differences in personality, perspective, and needs
collide.”
“…Many have fired rounds at each other, and there’s been damage
done. Often these wounds are left open. They’re so painful that we
tell ourselves ‘never again will I let my partner see that vulnerable side
of me.”
“As humans, we struggle to let go of a memory until we’ve emotionally
digested it…Our brains remain hypervigilant to the things we deem
unsafe….With significant unresolved problems, it becomes nearly
impossible to make the safe emotional connection necessary for a
secure relationship.”
The Gottman Institute
“How we used the aftermath of a fight to repair a
relationship” Kyle Benson, 9.1.19
www.gottman.com/blog 2
JBM: Points to consider from the above blog:
Am I ready to process the incident?
Am I calm?
Am I willing to seek to understand my partner’s experience?
Am I willing to speak from my experience without trying to
persuade my partner?
Am I willing to ATTUNE to my partner’s feelings and what the
event meant to them?
Are we in a distraction free space where we can be fully present
with each other?
The Gottman Institute
“How we used the aftermath of a fight to repair a
relationship” Kyle Benson, 9.1.19
www.gottman.com/blog 3
Step 1.Express how you felt during this event
Step 2. Share your realities and validate each other.
Step3. Disclose your triggers.
Step 4. Take ownership for your role.
Step 5. Preventative planning
Using Communication Models
Models in handbook such as :
Couples Dialogue
PAIRS dialogue wheel

These help to identify issues and

Improve communication by teaching how to
speak responsibly and respond with empathy.
 They react: which is a trigger
Anger for me

Interpreted by them Interpreted by me

I react: which is a Anger

trigger for them

Escalation of Conflict
(from Rewriting the Rules by Meg Barker:120)
‘The Challenge of Intimacy, fear of the
other’

‘Although ‘ intimacy’ is a common word, true

intimacy is for many people unknown. What
they have experienced, and fear repeating,
are painful attempts to find intimacy, in
which they opened themselves to another
person, but were hurt.’
Naomi Stadlen from Existential Perspectives : 45
 Escalation of intimacy
Communicate
with:

and and
congruence and curiosity compassion
carefulness

© Jean Miller 2015

 They speak to me with
Trust CCCC

Interpreted by Interpreted by
them me

I speak to them Trust

with CCCC

Escalation of Intimacy with congruence, care, curiosity and compassion

© Jean Miller 2015

Using Therapeutic
Approaches
Person-Centred Approach
Transactional Analysis
Attachment Theory
Existential Therapy
Transactional Analysis
TA models:

• Drama Triangle
• Winners Triangle
• PAC Ego States

The models can be used with couples to help them see the
patterns they fall into which do not serve them well.

Teach the model to clients then help them to apply to

recent situations.
Attachment
Theory
From EFT: A Pursue/Withdraw Feedback Loop (ref Lorrie Brubacher)

Emotional
Response
The more pursuer senses
attachment panic, body
prepares to fight and Action
makes meaning of
unimportance and feels
Action: The more
fear of abandonment pursuer protests,
complains, demands,
criticises with anger
Action and despair
The more Emotional Response:
Withdrawer The more
placates , defends Withdrawer senses
and stonewalls. attachment panic,
body prepares for
fight/flight and makes
meanings of defeat
and disappointment
and feels fear of
rejection.
 OverarchingTreatment Principle
(adapted from Robert T. Muller ‘Trauma and the
Avoidant Client’)
Therapeutic change will follow from direct activation of the attachment system
and processing of the experience
Turn each client’s attention to attachment –related experiences
Challenge defences
“Corrective emotional experience”
Enactments
Ruptures/Conflicts and their resolution
Ambivalent Attachment style
“Alternatively clinging and angrily resistant, on
the one hand, or reduced to helpless passivity
on the other, the ambivalent infant was
extremely hard to soothe. Chronically anxious
about his mother’s whereabouts, he seemed
too overwhelmed to explore. …the infant’s
predictable response to a mother who was
unpredictably responsive.”
(Wallin p 91)
Paradoxical models of self and other
– Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment
Type

One model is consciously

embraced and involves a sense that
the self is good, strong and
complete,

while others are untrustworthy,

needy, and inadequate.
Paradoxical models of self and
other - Avoidant Attachment
Type (cont’d)

The second model, which is

unconscious and feared, entails a
disturbing sense that the self is
flawed, dependent, and helpless

, while others are likely in response

to be rejecting. Controlling and
punitive.
(Wallin pp 89-90)
An Existential Approach to Couples
Therapy
Couples therapy allows individuals to:

hear the experience of the other

understand the consequences of their actions

understand the effects of not making choices

explore other options for taking responsibility in the context of the

needs of others.

Martin Adams and Mark Jepson, from Existential Perspectives: 194

The process is one of comparing notes and learning to speak one’s
mind without fearing retaliation or loss of love.

The therapist offers that kind of safety: the safety of knowing that
each partner’s deepest beliefs, experiences and yearnings will be
equally valued and paid attention to, so that shared and not
shared values and meanings can be spoken about and taken
seriously.

This in turn leads to an exploration of how existing tensions and

differences can be discussed, accepted and worked with. Van Deurzen
and Iacovou p, 233
‘We have to face the contradictory images two or more
partners hold about themselves and about each other,

find the truth in each and come to a joint narrative, making

sense of the whole story,

in such a way that each has the freedom to be who they

chose to become

and to do so in a way that is caring of the self and loving of

the other.

If we succeed in this, even in a modest way, this is no mean

feat.’ Emmy Van Deurzen and Susan Iacovou:238
 When to Stop Therapy

‘It is only if individuals continuously obstruct

that process and persist with negativity or
unwillingness to consider their own attitude
that the therapeutic work may be judged to
be impossible.’

Emmy Van Deurzen and Susan

Iacovou:238