5 Signs You’ve Outgrown a Friendship, According to Therapists

Your relationship has probably changed over the years, but has it truly run its course?

January 21, 2025

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As kids, lots of us hold onto the hope that our friendships will last forever. You probably know by now that not all of them do. Sometimes, it’s an irreparable fight that pushes you apart. But more often, it’s simply an undramatic, slow drift: People change. So do their priorities. Before you know it, there’s a weird, quiet distance between you that kind of just…happened.

No doubt, it sucks when a person you shared so many memories with fades into another name from your past. As heartbreaking as it can be, though, outgrowing old pals isn’t necessarily a negative thing. Actually, it’s a pretty common and natural part of growing up. “Humans have only so much social capacity to commit to friendships,” Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LPC, Dekalb, Illinois-based author of Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them, tells SELF. “So, it makes sense for the less close, less rewarding, or more labor-intensive ones to fade over time.” Not to mention, some relationships inevitably fall to the wayside when they’re no longer convenient—like after you move to a new neighborhood, say or switch jobs.

The real challenge, though, is figuring out whether your dynamic is simply evolving from what it once was (because, hey, life happens), or if it’s reached its expiration date. Wondering which category your once-close bond is falling into? Here are a few signs that you’ve outgrown your friendship.

1. Your conversations feel forced or surface-level now.

Healthy friendships thrive on meaningful conversations—and plenty of silly ones, too! But when you’ve outgrown a connection, chats that once flowed effortlessly can start to feel awkward and unnatural, Sarah Epstein, LMFT, a Dallas-based couples therapist, tells SELF.

Maybe you used to share absolutely everything, from dating horror stories to your biggest career goals. Now? After covering the basic small talk (weather, work updates, and weekend plans), you’re both sitting there in awkward silence, trying to figure out how to fill the void. Or when you do open up, their response seems half-hearted (“Oh, cool”)—clearly, they’re not actively engaging with your life anymore. Consider the flip side, too: Are you pumped to listen, or has your mind started to wander?

According to Epstein, if every meet-up feels like you’re desperately scraping for things to say, it might be time to face the fact that your bond is now more forced than it is familiar.

2. Your lifestyles don’t align like they used to—and you’re not particularly motivated to adapt.

Simply being in different stages of life is one of the most bittersweet—yet common—reasons we. might outgrow a friendship, both experts say. Right now, you may be all about quiet weekends at home; meanwhile your college bestie prefers partying till dawn like you used to back at school. Your current priority is starting a family, and theirs is traveling the world.

“While all of us will stay the same at heart, our interests, beliefs, and values shift as we mature,” Dr. Degges-White says—and any connections built on one of these factors may not survive those changes. “For instance, becoming a parent might naturally draw someone more towards fellow mothers and fathers,” she explains. “You may have also bonded with someone you saw at your gym every morning, but once you switch your workout schedule, that relationship may no longer be a priority to maintain.”

None of that means that one life path is “better” than the other—you’re both just going in different directions, and sometimes, certain people don’t make the journey with you.

3. The relationship feels increasingly one-sided.

Friendships are a two-way street, meaning if one person stops putting in effort, it’s near impossible for the connection to stay alive. “Maybe you believe your pal isn’t invested or available enough, so you decide to prioritize other relationships,” Epstein says. “Or you’re the one who’s backing away despite their repeated efforts.”

To figure out if you’re in a one-sided friendship, take a moment to reflect on your overall dynamic. As you scroll through your texts, for instance, is only one of you initiating the conversation each time—or is there a fair back-and-forth? Is one person doing all the venting, while the other listens with little support in return? Either way, Epstein says a major imbalance in effort is a pretty clear indicator that your dynamic may not be as mutual as it once was (or should be).

4. You’re no longer willing to talk through any issues.

Even the strongest friendships hit rough patches, and getting past them is hard work. It takes mutual effort, time, and emotional investment—all things you may gladly put in for the loved ones you want in your life, but probably not for someone you’re subconsciously ready to let go of.

“When friends talk through these obstacles, it shows they’re still invested and willing to see their way to the other side,” Epstein explains. That’s why it’s a red flag if either (or both) decide a tough—but much-needed—conversation is no longer worth it. For example, maybe your BFF won’t give you an answer about why they’re ghosting you, no matter how much you beg and plead for a heart-to-heart. Or instead of addressing how their constant digs get under your skin, you’d rather pull back. “If two friends can no longer talk through it, or have lost the desire to, that’s when the relationship may be ending,” Epstein says.

5. You don’t really miss them or feel motivated to reach out.

Sure, there will be moments when talking to even your favorite people is too much to bear—whether you’re in a bad mood, overwhelmed with work, or just socially drained. For the most part, though, reaching out to your close buddies should feel effortless. Naturally, you want to check in about how their holiday break was, say, or make plans to hang IRL because you enjoy their company.

When a friendship has run its course, however, “you’ll feel resigned rather than excited,” Epstein says. Instead of eagerly calling them back, for instance—or at least looking forward to when you can—you might add it to the growing list of obligations you’ll begrudgingly “get to later.” Or maybe something big happens in your life (a promotion at work, a new whirlwind relationship perhaps) and it doesn’t even cross your mind to share the good news with them.

So, what if you did outgrow a friendship?

It’s understandable if you relate to this growing ambivalence. But if your old pal seemingly isn’t on the same page, it might be time to figure out how to handle things gracefully. “If it’s not a close dynamic, slow-ghosting may be the way to go. Eventually, they’ll get the message that the friendship isn’t what they thought it was,” Dr. Degges-White says.

For formerly tight bonds, though, “it can be worth trying to talk about where you are in life, maybe by scheduling one last get-together and sharing the changes you’ve experienced.” It might be a tough convo to have, but Dr. Degges-White recommends spelling it out: “While you value their friendship, life has just taken a different turn and you’re not as available as you had been.”

And if the disinterest feels mutual? That, Dr. Degges-White says, could be your cue to let things naturally fade. (At least for now. Who knows—life has a funny way of bringing people back together down the line.) Simply put, some friendships aren’t meant to last, in which case, she says it's perfectly okay to let go when it no longer feels right.