In this week’s story, a woman hosts a dinner party with some single dads while her husband travels for work: 38, married, New York.
DAY ONE
7:04 a.m. A warm little body curls up next to me — my 4-year-old son. He likes to crawl into bed with me when his dad is away for work. I don’t know how my son knows I need a little extra comfort on these days, but kids just know. My husband had an affair six months ago, and it’s been a rocky road back to stability for us. It doesn’t help that he’s a consultant and is always traveling for work. This week he’s in Austin, and I’m home in Tribeca with our son.
8:30 a.m. I’ve dropped my son at pre-K. I don’t work; I gave up my job as a special education teacher when my son was born. The plan was to have a few more kids and be a stay-at-home mom. Since the affair, however, all plans are off, because I don’t know if I’ll stay married. And I don’t know where that leaves me financially. I’m really just confused and uncentered right now.
11 a.m. I take a Pilates class. It’s a bit triggering, since the woman my husband slept with (only once, he swears) was another local mom who used to work out here too. When I caught them (via texts on his phone, idiot that he is), my first reaction was, Tell her to stay the hell away from my gym. I know that sounds shallow, but I couldn’t lose my Pilates classes on top of everything else I lost in that moment — trust, stability, the hope of happily ever after, etc. …
2 p.m. I clean up the house, make the beds, do some laundry. While I’m doing this, my husband checks in from Austin. He checks in all the time now. He has a lot of guilt. He swears it was a “one and done thing.” It started when he and the other mom were texting about playdates with our sons, and she got a little flirtatious, and they ended up having sex one night when I was visiting my sisters in Boston. In our bed. I know all of this because he’s shown me all their texts. The other mom was aggressive and instigated everything — which doesn’t make my husband a hero, but his story does add up. Anyway, I’m in my healing-and-moving-on era. Miraculously, I haven’t seen her since I busted them. It’s always her nannies — yes, she has more than one — at pickup and even at birthday parties.
4 p.m. I go get my son from school and decide that we’ll eat dinner out. That way, I can get a cocktail. I am afraid to start making drinks at home.
5 p.m. We go to an “elevated” pizza restaurant. We eat pizza and I have two negronis. They make me feel great, not gonna lie.
7 p.m. Bath and bedtime. The drinks have worn off, so now I’m just tired.
9 p.m. Fall asleep watching the news and see that I’ve missed a bunch of FaceTimes from my husband. It’s like, too little, too late, babe.
DAY TWO
7 a.m. Same wonderful wake-up cuddles from my son.
9:30 a.m. After drop-off today, I go to meet with a career counselor. She’s a friend, but her actual job is to help people figure out their professional lives. We have coffee, which I treat us to, since she’s helping me for free. She knows about the affair and that my life is up in the air. I tell her that I don’t know if I should leave my husband or not. One affair, after being together for ten years … is that grounds to leave? I really do love him. I rely on him. He’s sexy. He makes me laugh. He’s an excellent provider. Anyway, she thinks I should start looking for a job in the school system and thinks it will be good for me.
1 p.m. Tidy the house, order some groceries. I used to be a great cook, so while ordering groceries, I decide to throw a last-minute dinner party on Friday. I text a few friends, including two single dads I know, and invite them over. My husband won’t be home until Saturday, and he can enjoy the leftovers.
4 p.m. Almost everyone I invited can come. This gives me something to look forward to.
9 p.m. Tonight in bed, I think about recipes and dessert and let myself feel excited for Friday. This makes me horny. I take out my vibrator and try to imagine fucking one of the single dads who’s coming over. His name is Joe. He’s cute, but a little too damaged from his divorce, I think. I think about him having a nice, strong cock. And I get off imagining myself riding it. The orgasm puts me to sleep in a really nice way.
DAY THREE
7 a.m. Usual wake-up routine. Then we FaceTime with my husband, who hates being away from my son, that much is true. It melts my heart watching my son take my phone and have my husband in the room with him as he gets himself dressed (underwear backward) and eats his bowl of cereal. My husband asks to talk to me, and I tell him I’m having a dinner party on Friday. He looks a bit hurt that I’m doing this while he’s still traveling, and my reaction to him is, “Sorry. I don’t really care.” I’m cold to him in that way now. Will I ever defrost? I don’t know.
10 a.m. I have all my cookbooks out, with Post-its all over the recipes I want to make. It’s going to be eight adults. I ask my brother-in-law if my son can sleep over there on Friday. The cousins love doing sleepovers and I’ve hosted the last few, so he eagerly says, “Sure!”
1 p.m. Pilates. It feels so good to stretch and breathe.
3 p.m. My friend from yesterday texts about a job opening that would be perfect for me. It’s at a private school in Brooklyn Heights. I tell her it’s too soon. My husband does well, but if I went back to work, we’d need to pay for child care or a nanny, and that’s not a decision I can make without him. Also, emotionally, I’m not ready for a huge change like that.
5 p.m. I take my son to a restaurant again so I can drink. I hope this isn’t becoming a problem, but I also feel entitled to extra alcohol right now.
6 p.m. Joe texts to ask what he can bring on Friday. I insist he brings nothing. He writes, “I can’t wait to hang out with you as people, not parents, finally!” Okay, he wants to fuck me. Would I do it? I don’t think so. I am very much against infidelity, even though the foundation of my marriage is already so cracked. But because I’m two drinks in, I heart his text.
9 p.m. Once again, I fall asleep on the couch, ignoring FaceTimes from my husband.
DAY FOUR
10 a.m. I have therapy today. This is a new thing for me. My husband is also newly in therapy, although his is on Zoom with someone in Los Angeles, because he’s never actually in New York, so it doesn’t matter. My therapist is an older, wise Jewish woman, who I really like as a person, but sometimes I feel like she’s steering me in a direction I don’t want to go. It’s like she’s building up my confidence enough so I can walk away from my husband and restart my life, but I’m not even sure that’s what I want! She thinks I’m weak, but really I’m just confused. I need clarity more than anything. I tell her that and she says yes, she knows.
1 p.m. Before I start to cook, I pour myself a glass of wine. This feels acceptable. Cooking while sipping a nice white wine is a great joy for me and many others.
3 p.m. The other single dad coming tomorrow, Ryan, texts to see if he can bring a friend. It’s a third single dad. I’m like, “Yes, please!” Before my husband had an affair, I had no idea how many couples around us were separating, struggling, or newly divorced. They’re coming out of the woodwork now.
6 p.m. Eating homemade pizza with my son while talking about his day at school. He’s so precious. I can’t get enough of him.
9 p.m. I watch TV while Googling the third single dad. He looks super hot, and he’s a surgeon who looks like a movie star. Damn. I’m feeling horny so I masturbate on the couch.
10 p.m. Eventually I get into bed and sleep really well.
DAY FIVE
8 a.m. My husband and son FaceTime for about an hour! It’s time to take him to school, so I grab the phone. My husband is like, “Let me see your beautiful face.” It makes me feel affection for him, but I quickly put those feelings away.
10 a.m. Today I’m cooking. I’m making a lamb ragout to serve with pasta, a vegetarian casserole, and a big hearty salad.
3 p.m. It’s time to get my son from school, and I quickly pack him an overnight bag so I can drop him directly at my brother-in-law’s. They know about the shit between my husband and me, so they’re also on their best behavior around me and trying to keep the peace. Not that they did anything wrong.
5 p.m. The food is in good shape, so I quickly clean my apartment and the bathrooms. I do the best I can do! Then I take a shower and blow-dry my hair and put on a long, bohemian dress. I wish I got a pedicure, but oh well.
7 p.m. Everyone shows up around now with wine and flowers and desserts. Such nice house gifts, such nice guests. All the single dads look great. They seem a little desperate to me, though, as if they’re here because they know my husband and I are in trouble. I’m not saying they’re all, like, in love with me … but I can tell they’re excited, and that makes me feel somewhat bad for them. The other guests are my two best mom friends and their husbands, who are all great people and very special to me.
9 p.m. Dinner was delicious, and now we’re moving on to dessert. We’re all drinking copious amounts of wine and everyone is sharing TMI. All the single dads hate their exes with a passion. Every story is different, but they unanimously have “crazy ex-wife” stories. I can’t help but laugh. It’s not as misogynistic as it sounds. Their exes are pretty bad, even in my estimation! The surgeon has a big ego and talks too much, so I’m not interested. Joe is hot to me. I’d fuck him — just not until my marriage situation is resolved.
11 p.m. Joe is the last to leave. Shocker. I’m starting to feel awkward. Should I let myself kiss him? He wants it. He’s doing dishes next to me and we are physically very close. I cut the awkwardness by saying, “Listen. My marriage isn’t over just yet. I’m not available. I hope you don’t take that the wrong way.” He is super-cool and very sweet about all of it. That makes me like him more.
12 a.m. Everyone is gone and I feel tipsy, happy, and tired.
DAY SIX
9 a.m. Yes, I slept this late!
1 p.m. My husband should be getting in from the airport in an hour or so, and I ask him to pick up our son from his brother’s apartment on the way home. My son will love that so much, and it buys me a little time to freshen up and clean the apartment.
3 p.m. The boys come in, gleefully. My husband is so happy to be home and to be with him. He gives me a big hug and holds me tight, even when I try to wiggle away. He’s like, “Please, please, please just let me love you?” I surrender to the hug, but it’s not quite genuine.
6 p.m. We heat up the food from last night and have a nice dinner. We drink some wine, even though I’m hung-over.
8 p.m. I let my husband do all the nighttime stuff with my son tonight: the bath, the books. I am in bed watching TV on my computer and totally zoning out. It’s a nice break.
9 p.m. My husband comes in. He wants sex. I should mention that I stopped fucking him after the affair. We’ve had sex maybe five times in the last six months, and it was only because I was horny, not because he was. Tonight, I’m not interested, and I let him know that.
10 p.m. I try to fall asleep, but my heart is racing. He’s watching basketball in the living room, and I don’t know if I should go talk to him, cuddle with him, slap him … I am back to being lost and confused. I take a sleeping pill and fall asleep.
DAY SEVEN
8 a.m. We are playing with our son over coffee. I want to have a nice family day. I don’t want to be so tense. I tell my husband, “Let’s do something special.” This makes him feel tremendously happy.
9 a.m. We look online to see if there’s a show, or a sports game, or something cool to do together. We land on a climbing gym for my son, but it’s for adults too. We’ll all do some climbing. It sounds kind of fun, and it’s the best we can come up with.
12 p.m. This place is actually really cool. It’s in Williamsburg, and we rarely come to Brooklyn, so we’ll make a day out of it.
3 p.m. We’ve all had enough climbing. We’re starving.
4 p.m. We go to a trendy Williamsburg brunch spot, even though it’s late for brunch. My husband and I get a bottle of wine and my son gets buckets of French fries and chicken nuggets. We have a really great time. I’m relaxed and things feel “normal,” and we don’t talk about anything stressful.
7 p.m. Again, my husband does all the nighttime stuff with my son. I take a bath and hide in the bedroom, just chilling out.
9 p.m. Tonight, when my husband comes in, I initiate sex. We fuck really hard and really well. It’s been a long time since I fucked my husband like this. I’m not sure what it means, but it could mean we’re going to be okay. I tell him this when we’re holding each other after. I feel him take a big sigh of relief.
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