Why resisting pain turns it into suffering
Life is full of pain. But most of us are never taught how to acknowledge this, let alone to effectively face and experience it. Because of this, despite having the very best of intentions, we tend to respond to pain in ways that backfire and turn it into suffering.
A common response is to resist the pain. We pretend that everything is fine, even though we are despairing within. We suppress our emotions, deny our needs, or reject our authentic responses to events. We apply judgments to events, like “This should not be happening,” “This is bad,” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
Resisting makes the pain bigger, stronger, and more intractable. It adds a layer of suffering on top of the pain, keeping us stuck in narratives about ourselves and the world, and trapped in emotions like despair, anger, shame, and unhappiness.
There are many ways to resist reality.
We resist ourselves as we are by rejecting our authentic selves, comparing ourselves to others, and holding ourselves up to an impossible standard.
We resist our emotions, laboring under the belief that we are not supposed to feel pain, struggle, or experience the full range of human emotions. We use phrases like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I shouldn’t find this so challenging.”
We resist other people as they are, wanting them to be different, weaving tales about how if they would only just change, our lives would improve forever.
And we resist the world as it is. We want things to be different than they are. We want our loved one to not to be sick, we want a new job, we want a shorter commute, we want the past to be different than it was. All of these desires are completely normal and acceptable. But the resistance of what is does not change it. It only leads to suffering.
The antidote for resistance is acceptance. When we accept reality for what it is — especially when that reality is something that we desperately do not want to be true — we give ourselves the gift of peace and freedom. From this place of acceptance, we can also change what is within our control: learning how to live with it, healing from it, making it better, and using its lessons to help us help others.
This approach was outlined in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a highly effective therapeutic approach designed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. Outside of therapy, research into acceptance demonstrates its power. Studies have found that the more accepting of ourselves, the likelier we are to be happy. If you accept your painful emotions without judging them, you’re less likely to be psychologically stressed, and experience fewer mood disorder symptoms.
To accept something does not mean that you approve of it. It means that you are committed to no longer spending your energy fighting its existence. In making this decision, we allow the pain to run its course. We free ourselves up to see a bigger picture beyond the immediate challenge. And we can move past the experience, learning from it and letting it go, in order to find peace and freedom.
To move from resistance to acceptance, try taking these steps:
Acknowledge what you are resisting
What element of reality are you fighting right now: yourself, your emotions, another person, an event or experience? Write it down and acknowledge it, and bring your attention to how this resistance is creating more pain and suffering for you.
Give yourself space to feel your emotions
If you have been resisting, you have likely been suppressing or denying your emotions. Try journaling, talking to a friend, or working with a therapist. In allowing yourself to bring these to the surface and feel them, you create the possibility for peace. It’s like a thunderstorm: the lightning, thunder, and rain have to happen, to wash away the chaos and welcome in the sense of renewal.
Act as if
Acceptance is such a radical departure from resistance that we often do not know how to behave. Imagine a version of yourself who has completely accepted reality for what it is. What would this self do in this moment? Keep that avatar close, checking in to help you to steadily choose responses in line with your commitment to acceptance.
Recognize that pain is part of life
As Dr. Linehan says, “Life can be worth living even with painful events in it.” In accepting this deep truth, we can welcome in a greater sense of peace and self-acceptance. There is nothing wrong with us. We are simply doing our very best.