McDonald’s Testing New Self-Ordering Kiosk That Cries When Customers Yell At It

CHICAGO—In an effort to streamline the abuse process, fast food behemoth McDonald’s confirmed Monday that it had started testing a new self-ordering kiosk that would cry when customers yelled at it. “We hope these new self-service kiosks will allow twice as many McDonald’s customers to go on ruthless power trips in half the time,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski, who demonstrated by turning to a kiosk and screaming ‘Fuck you!” until the device began to sob “Please, I’m trying my best” and “Do not call my manager, I really need this job.” “Simply tell the kiosk it’s a stupid piece of shit that doesn’t work, and watch its display well up with tears. It’s easy; even kids have fun with it. And if that’s not quite satisfying enough, the highly sensitive state-of-the-art touch screen can even feel your slaps and punches.” At press time, McDonald’s had issued a temporary shutdown of the new kiosks after they reportedly learned to punch back.