I am not generally a fan of sports movies, unless you count A League of Their Own, Bend It Like Beckham, Stick It, Blue Crush, or any other rom-com featuring young women athletes with a strong yet unspoken gay vibe. That said, I was excited to revisit Jerry Maguire, the 1996 Cameron Crowe film starring Tom Cruise as a sports agent, because I didn’t actually remember sports being that prominent in the plot. (On the other hand, maybe they were, and I’d just tuned out everything that wasn’t related to Cruise and Renée Zellweger’s romantic arc?) Here were all the thoughts I had while watching:
- I just want to state for the record that I still and will always hate Tom Cruise.
- That said, I kind of love this opening monologue about talented high school athletes.
- The nicest thing I can say about Tom Cruise in this movie is that his suit and slicked-back hair make him look vaguely like a hot lesbian.
- Okay, so Tom is a sports agent at the very fakely named "Sports Management International."
- Did Aaron Sorkin have anything to do with this movie?
- Okay, I googled it: no. Still, the rapid pitter-patter of Tom’s speech would indicate otherwise.
- How did ’90s movies always find the most freckled child actors in existence to spotlight?
- An injured player’s son rightfully questions why he’s still playing after four concussions, but Tom gives him a pump-up speech about how, actually, it’s good and powerful to rack up concussions.
- The son says “Fuck you,” which...yes.
- This extended sequence of Cruise writing a long and “touchy-feely” memo about the dishonesty of the sports business is extremely funny to me, because he has to go to a copy place in the middle of the night to get it printed. The ’90s were such a humbling time.
- Hey, it’s Renée! She’s on the same flight as Tom (who’s chatting up a red dress-clad hottie), and she turns out to work in accounts at Tom’s agency. She’s also the mom of a very cute, sad-eyed blond kid, who is the child actor from Stuart Little.
- Ugh, I miss Renée Zellweger’s ’90s face.
- Tom gets fired from the agency because of his memo, and there are some very dramatic close-up shots of him yelling at everyone.
- Why is the hair of every man at the sports agency...like that?
- The “Show me the money!” scene is actually still funny after almost 30 years, which is kind of impressive.
- Tom’s client Rod, a.k.a. Cuba Gooding Jr., is sticking with him, and Renée is making the somewhat risky-seeming decision to go with him, too.
- Tom scoops a fish out of the sports agency aquarium on his way out, which is certainly one way to go.
- Wait, Tom’s engaged? Did I never clock this? Anyway, his fiancée breaks off the engagement, which I would too, if I were about to marry a compulsively angry, sports-obsessed fish thief.
- I will admit that Tom Cruise looks very good in a fitted white T-shirt.
- Oh yeah, it was from this movie that I learned that the human head weighs eight pounds. What a weird and specific piece of knowledge I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
- Tom is schmoozing Hank “Cush” Cushman, another major client, and Rod is pissed because he doesn’t have as many endorsements.
- Why were people in pre-aughts movies always urging each other to “let people in”?
- Tom and Renée hook up, which is always a great boss-employee dynamic, especially when you’re someone’s only employee.
- So much yelling in this movie!
- Tom screaming “Fine!” is also lodged in my brain.
- Oh, you really see Cuba’s whole ass, huh?
- Aw, Renee looks so pretty with her hair up in one of those extremely 1996 prom-ready twists.
- Regina King really deserves more credit for how good she is in this admittedly limited role as a pissed-off, pregnant athlete’s wife trying to get him a fair deal.
- Tom proposes to Renée to stop her from moving to San Diego, which definitely seems like it’s going to work out great, as panic-induced proposals usually do.
- The elapsed time between Tom and Renée’s wedding and them beginning to have problems is, like...four minutes?
- Rod calling his wife “my Pisces queen” is soooooo queer-coded.
- We love an athlete who loves astrology!
- There’s some sports drama going on that I don’t understand and refuse to try to puzzle out. Sorry.
- Oh no, Rod is injured!
- Making a solemn vow that my theoretical future children will never play contact sports. I don’t care how much their theoretical future friends make fun of them!
- Tom flies back to give an emotional speech to Renée about how he still loves her, and it seems to work.
- “You had me at hello!” Everybody drink!
- Aw, Rod is okay and got a huge contract with the Cardinals! Go, sports!
- Wow, the blond kid likes sports! Maybe someday he can grow up and get four concussions in a row, too.
