When was the last time you were asked out in real life? If you can’t remember, you're far from the only one. Let’s face it: Getting asked out IRL is basically unheard of these days because dating apps and DM slides have put singles in the driver’s seat over the past few years... without forcing them to *actually* put themselves out there.
But while the apps used to be an effective way to meet people, they’re struggling to maintain engagement right now, says Rachel Vanderbilt, PhD, a relationship scientist based in Tampa. And between run clubs and singles’ parties skyrocketing in popularity on social media over the past several months, one thing is evident: People want to meet potential significant others in real life.
Sure, it takes a bit more effort (and courage) to ask someone out face-to-face, but it’s worth it. For starters, it’s much easier to read someone’s energy and see if you two have a good banter through an in-person conversation, says Lauren Consul, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who sees clients in California, Florida, and Vermont. Plus, online dating and DM-sliding can start to feel impersonal—like you're playing a game or scrolling on Instagram instead of actually connecting with someone. Asking someone out in real life can put the "humanity back into dating," says Vanderbilt.
That said, apps do provide “a level of digital comfort” where it’s easier to face the fear of vulnerability and potential rejection, says Marie Thouin, PhD, a mindful dating and relationship coach based in California. Asking someone out in person can be scary—you can’t edit your words the way you would a text and it’s nearly impossible to leave the conversation casually if you’re turned down—but the payoff is so worth it. Curious but still a bit terrified about asking someone out? (Same.) Ahead, learn why you should make the first move—and exactly how to do it.
There are plenty of benefits to asking someone out.
First off, a case for asking someone out, period. Experts believe that heterosexual men especially are less likely to approach strangers these days. “They're afraid to come across as creepy,” says Thouin.
So, if you want to be asked out right, do it yourself—or whatever Napoleon Bonaparte said. While it may feel scary, there are lots of benefits to making the first move. For one thing, it’s empowering to put the control in your own hands, says Thouin. It can give you confidence that “makes it easier to go ask for a job or for a raise or ask for everything else that you want in life,” she says.
Doing this in person can especially help build this confidence, since you’re not hiding behind a screen and you typically won’t know someone’s sexual orientation or relationship status, says Thouin. So, you have to be okay with being turned down—which can help you develop stronger confidence, she says.
Making the first move can also create the foundation you’d want in a future relationship, Consul says. By being direct and asking someone else out first, you will likely find someone who matches your freak and prioritizes upfront communication. Consul says this can be a sign of initial compatibility (although you won’t want to rest solely on that). Basically, there’s “no reason why you shouldn't shoot your shot,” Vanderbilt says.
There are some guidelines to follow when asking someone out.
There will naturally be some differences between asking someone out that you already know versus a complete stranger—which I’ll get to later. But there are some constants to keep in mind, regardless of who you’re asking out:
Keep an eye on their body language.
First, consider if it’s a good time to approach someone. Do they look really busy or even upset? Are they in the middle of a set of chest presses at the gym? It might not be a good time to approach them in that case, Vanderbilt says. But if they’re laughing and seemingly in a good mood, consider that your permission to approach.
Then, when you’re talking to them, “keep a pulse on how that other person is responding to you throughout the interaction,” Vanderbilt says. Pay attention to whether they’re smiling and nodding their head as you’re talking to them, and replying to you in full, detailed sentences—that usually signifies that they’re interested, Vanderbilt says. But if their arms are crossed, they’re turned away from you, and/or they’re giving you short replies, they might not be interested, she says.
Be warm and authentic.
Even if you’re nervous, approach them with kindness and warmth—that way, they’ll be more comfortable during the conversation. It also signifies that even if they say no, “they will be met with graciousness,” Thouin says. Try to be authentic during the conversation, too. Even if you’re feeling shy or awkward, naming those feelings “can be endearing and can even help that moment feel more normal and more human-to-human,” she says. After asking them out, you can even mention that there’s no pressure to say yes.
Lastly, keep in mind that they may say no—and be prepared to accept that as their answer ahead of time.
Asking Out A Stranger
Okay, so you’re out in public at a coffee shop or singles’ event and see a hottie. When you approach them, introduce yourself and make casual conversation with them by finding a personal connection or complimenting them on something that they control, Consul says.
Instead of saying something about their physical attractiveness—it’s already pretty obvious you think that, since you’re approaching them—comment on their cool outfit or the book they’re reading, and then that starts a conversation about things they’re interested in. “Use the atmosphere,” Consul says. This can help you get to know them beyond their physical attributes and “lay that foundation for a more deep or genuine connection,” she adds.
A few prompts:
- I love your Beatles shirt, where did you get it?
- I’ve heard great things about that book—what are your thoughts on it so far?
- This bar is my favorite spot—have you been here before?
- I love working in this coffee shop—what do you do for work?
- This spot is so much fun—what else do you do in your free time?
- What’s your coffee order? Do you have any recommendations for drinks?
If the conversation is going well, you can ask follow-up questions, like if they’re in this area a lot or what their favorite pizza joint in the neighborhood is.
As you’re chatting, gauge whether this is someone you want to spend more time with. Ask yourself: Are they interesting? Are they warm? Can they carry a conversation? Do they seem comfortable with me?
A caveat: If you’re at a singles’ event, you can be a bit more forward. Just being there “removes a big question about whether someone is open to dating,” Vanderbilt says, as opposed to a stranger in a coffee shop, who may be in a relationship or feel closed off to dating for another reason. At these events, you can even try to use a cheesy pickup line to break the ice because it’s appropriate in that setting, she adds.
If you’re nervous during this convo, you might feel like you have to come up with lots of conversation topics and end up word-vomiting. The key here is to “focus on also letting the other person speak” and see how you two vibe together, Thouin says. It’s okay if you end up talking about something more generic, like the weather—it’s less about the content of the convo and more about how well you two can banter back and forth.
If you’re hitting it off, transition into asking for their phone number. You can say something like: I know we just met, but I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. It seems like we have a lot in common and I’d love to get to know you better. No pressure, but would you be open to giving me your phone number? You can also offer to give them your phone number, so you put the ball in their court, Vanderbilt says. Or, at this point, you can also full-send and ask them on the date right then and there if you want, adds Thouin.
After the interaction, text them. If you’re interested in this person, there’s no need to play games. “You don't have to wait a certain amount of time or days” to reach out or ask them out, Consul says. Just exchange a few messages so you can continue feeling out their vibe “before taking that next step,” Vanderbilt says.
Later, if you’re happy with how things are going, ask to get coffee or drinks instead of something like dinner (which is a bit more formal for a first date with a stranger), she says. Be very specific—you can ask something like: Are you around at all next week to grab coffee or a drink?
Asking Out Someone You Already Know
Maybe you want to ask out an acquaintance, or you’re interested in someone you keep seeing at mutual friends’ parties. Maybe, you have a friend who you want to become something more. In all situations, the key to asking out someone you already know is to A) acknowledge your current relationship, B) identify what you have in common, C) ask them out, and D) wait for their response. (But more on that later!)
An Acquaintance
So, you want to ask out a cutie from the gym you’ve worked out with a few times. With acquaintances, start by addressing what you like about them, Vanderbilt says. You can say something like: Hey, I've really enjoyed working out with you. I’ve realized we have a lot in common and I’d love to get to know you better. Are you free for coffee or a drink at all next week? It’s totally okay if you say no—nothing will change between us. If they’re down with it, establish a day and time with them.
Someone You Share A Mutual Friend With
If you have a mutual friend, use that connection to start more conversations, Consul says: Maybe your shared connection has a cute dog, so you ask if they’ve ever met them. Or, if your mutual has a cool rooftop, ask them if they’ve ever visited it. It’s all about “finding ways to connect” in search of common ground, she adds. Then, segue into saying you’d love to continue talking and ask if they’d like to get coffee or drinks.
A Friend
If you’ve developed feelings for a friend, acknowledge the relationship by saying: I value you so much as a friend and I don't want to lose our friendship, but I’ve developed feelings for you and I’d love to explore them. Would you be interested in going on a date? There’s no pressure. If you're not interested, nothing has to change between us. This response is all about “giving them autonomy [and] trying to put the ball in their court a little bit,” says Vanderbilt.
Turned Down? Do This: As hard as rejection can be, try to be gracious and emphasize that there are no hard feelings. And JSYK, there's no need to act embarrassed, because you didn’t do anything wrong, Thouin says.
• Don't sweat it: Unless this is a friend you want to turn into a lover, this person doesn’t know you, and you don’t know what’s happening in their lives. Almost all the time, a romantic rejection in this context is really not personal, Consul says.
• Remember the golden rule: If this is someone you’ll see around again, the next time(s) you see them, “treat them like the friend or acquaintance that they are,” Thouin says. If they start acting weird, give them a bit more space to show you that you’re respecting their boundary, she says. Basically, treat them how you would want to be treated if the situation were reversed!
• Base your response on theirs: If they say something like, I am really busy and I'm not looking for anything serious right now, or they said yes at first, but then get cold feet and back out, it’s totally okay to leave the door open, Vanderbilt says. You can respond with: Well, if you ever change your mind or get to the point where you are looking for something serious, feel free to let me know, but no worries. If they say they’re in a relationship, though, don’t leave that door open, Vanderbilt says. Be respectful, and say: Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know—best of luck to you. Stay casual, breezy, and cool, she adds.
If they say yes, make a plan and keep your vibe casual.
First things first: Settle on a specific date and time. “To make a really good impression, remove too much choice from the situation,” and suggest a specific coffee shop or cocktail bar you want to take them to, Vanderbilt says. That way, your date won’t feel like they have to suggest where to go or come up with their own plan.
After you solidify the date, time, and location, keep an open line of communication—but don’t feel the need to talk to them every day. Naturally, “there [are] going to be some breaks in conversation,” Vanderbilt says. If you made a date for a week from now, follow up once the day after you set the date, sending a message along the lines of: Hey, I'm so excited for our date. Then the day before the date, you can text: Hi, just confirming that you're still available for our date tomorrow? Simple and straightforward works well here, says Vanderbilt.
Keep it cool and casual, then get excited for the fun part. I’ll leave you with one last piece of advice for the date: “Go out with the intention of having fun,” Thouin says. Asking people out is all about bringing playfulness into dating, so remember not to take yourself too seriously, Vanderbilt adds. You got this!
Meet the Experts: Rachel Vanderbilt, PhD, is a relationship scientist based in Tampa. Lauren Consul, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist who sees clients in California, Florida, and Vermont. Marie Thouin, PhD, a mindful dating and relationship coach based in California.
Addison Aloian is the associate health & fitness editor at Women’s Health, where she writes and edits across the health, weight loss, and fitness verticals. She’s also a certified personal trainer through the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM). In her free time, you can find her lifting weights at the gym, running on the West Side Highway in New York City—she recently completed her first half-marathon—and watching (and critiquing!) the latest movies that have garnered Oscars buzz. In addition to Women's Health, her work has also appeared in Allure, StyleCaster, L'Officiel USA, V Magazine, VMAN, and more.
