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be a generous friend and a fair enemy

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Act as if
until you are.

10

Don't romanticize the martyr. Teach your daughters to throat-punch the asshole, and move on.

11

She just texted me and said, "I can still smell your colon on my pillow."

...and this is why spelling matters.

9

I had something good,
but looked for something better.
And found something worse

9

me: >> logs into bank app with password <<

them: "Would you like us to remember this device?"

me: >> checks box << "Yes, I would like you to. You won't. You never do. But I would *like* you to."

8

Oh how high the precipice of denial is!

If the truth doesn't kill you, the fall certainly will.

8

People always entrust
their happiness
to the future,
which slips away unnoticed.

~Leonardo da Vinci

7

Fear does not prevent death;

it prevents life.

8

Me: I'm 60, but I have the body of a 19yr old.

Her: Prove it!

Me: * Opens freezer *

Her: ...

8

HONK if you miss Pangaea

7

They laugh at me because I'm different
I laugh at them because they're all the same

•Kurt Kobain

7

Who put this jazz on?

7

You can be pleasant with people while not being a people pleaser.

7

The correct spelling is SCHOOL, not SCHOOL.

Some people put the second O before the first O which is very wrong!

6

our bodies are basically skeletons wrapped in zombies and possessed by ghosts

6

we dont realize how much of our bandwidth gets absorbed in survival mode until we emerge from it and see everything we havent been doing.

6

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